Never Look Back

Men Have Rules Too

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Mon, 20 May 2013 16:41:00 +0000

I have had broken relationships. I have had painful experiences and even today the memories of those are still a tad horrific to live through. But as I say often my pain is your deliverance and from those negative experiences I am able to write and talk about relationships.

One of the things I have learned about life, is that the unwritten rules are sometimes more important than the written ones. It's those that are stated that you can live with but the ones that are not written, that you are supposed to know, but if no one tells you how would you know, that are the most important ones and those determine your survivability in a relationship.

In this regard, let's talk about Man Rules. Time and time again men have said what they believe and sometimes they don't say what they want from a relationship. When a woman is trying to figure out who he is and where he stands, becomes an issue as they are both learning about each other.

I have decided to tell you of some of the unwritten rules. These are the ones that make life livable and will make your man celebrate the day he met you!

Man Rules # 1: The toilet stays up. Simple isn't it. If you can think about it logically it would suggest why it makes sense for a man to leave the seat up as he stands to do his business at the toilet. Conversely speaking, we do the opposite, so why should we make this a contentious issue in the relationship when this is something we can clearly agree and compromise on.

If you walk in and see the seat up close it, don't make a case out of it. Just do it. It will help in the long run to minimize friction and areas of discord within the relationship as the more issues arise, the greater the tension . It's time for us to reduce tension by focusing on the issues that matter. As my grandmother would say, pick your battles!

Man Rules #2: Don't interrupt him during a game! Wow! I have experienced this as I fought to get his attention during a game. It doesn't matter whether it's football, basketball, golf or any game with a ball, don't attempt to gain his attention. For men in our modern world, they no longer go into the wilds to hunt and roam free on the prairies. Watching a game is a basic way of bringing him close to what he is wired to be; just a dude out there on fields, it brings out the stuff that you like about him, what makes him male, that anatomical difference we enjoy.

So times have changed, men no longer hunt in the wilds, but they can bring out their inner roar, by watching a game, surrounded by beer, and chips and all the forbidden foods we don't want them to eat. Trying to gain his attention not only annoys him, but tells him you don't care about his happiness, that you are inserting yourself so much into his life, he doesn't see himself as a separate person.

It looks needy and clingy. And men do not like needy clingy women! Look at it this way, ladies, if he can't enjoy the game at home, eventually he will choose to spend it away from you with friends. Before you know it, Ashley and Emma begin to join their game events and little do you know it, Ashley has become your replacement. Boom! This should make you run to to the store and stock up on all his favorite game day foods and give him the man cave he's always wanted.

Some men like to enjoy the game with you. I have sat through many basketball games, bored to tears but I knew that if I didn't watch it with him, someone else would. So I did what I just told you, I prepared his favorite game day foods, prepped the man cave, back then we called it the 'den' and made sure all was quiet on the home front as he prepared to watch his game. I guess I am telling you that at the end of the night is your reward as you become his game when the show is over. Boom!

Man Rules # 3: Never, ever ask him if you're fat or does this dress make me look fat? Whew! I can't begin to tell you the expression on his face when you ask him about that. It's like why me? Ladies when we do this we are placing doubt in his mind about the perception he has about your body. You have to project to him that your body is his playground, and you are hotter than any video vixen gyrating to the beat of P.Diddy or whomever! You are his video vixen, no one should take that place, so don't destroy that image for him. Fix it up, exercise, tone, eat right, dress it up, moisturize it, but make sure your body is viewed as the best for him at all times..

Man Rules #4: Please don't ever ask him if he likes this color? It's like what? My Mom once told me, men only know two colors, black and white, everything else is a shade in between. So many of us are guilty of dragging him along on shopping expeditions, antiquing, shopping for paint for living room walls? He wouldn't know what peach and fuchsia is. Point is leave him out of that, grab a girlfriend and take her along for the ride. She's best at filling you in on what shade of aqua is best for that room wall, lol!

Man Rules #5: Do I look fine wearing this? How many of us are guilty of asking this? The poor guy is sighing and checking his watch as he knows this game will never end. He watched as Dad went through this with Mom and now it's his turn and he's like oh no. Ladies, I know it's important for us to look our best at all times, but we dress to impress other women. Men really just want to know that you look great in whatever you wear. It's us who are worried about the perceptions of of our female friends and who give our man a hard time as we try to figure out how to look gorgeous every time. I can hear the sighs of grateful men as they read this and I can hear you too, saying, Harriet I could kill you... But I am doing this for you to save you and your relationship from heading down the road to nowhere.

Man Rules #6: What are you thinking about? You know that moment when he's quiet and we want to believe that we occupy his every thought? Yeah, don't ask what he's thinking, You might be surprised that as wonderful as you are he just might be thinking about sports, work, how to make more money, etc.

If you don't really want to know, don't ask as you might be disappointed to find that it was not about you, then you accuse him of not caring or thinking about you, which places him on the defensive, then he thinks you're nagging and we women hate that word or to be accused of it and before you know it, whoa! A full blown argument has just eschewed!

Sounds familiar? That's because it is. Way too many relationships become damaged over a mundane question such as this. Sometimes quiet time is just what it is. Quiet. Don't accuse him of looking at or thinking about Ashley or Emma. He's just being, quiet. Seriously, ladies, we have to get it together. It took me years to learn these and I'm helping you. It doesn't seem so now but it will, just don't come after me, okay, lol.

Man Rules #7: This one is a biggie. You know that thing we do when he asks us what's wrong? Our default answer is 'nothing' and he walks away. Well, I learned the reason he walked away is not because he doesn't care but it's because of my answer, I told him nothing was wrong when he asked. So he took it to mean nothing.Whoa! I can hear you all the way from here yelling that you don't understand.
But we have to see it from his perspective. If there's nothing wrong why would you cry? It's hard for a man to relate to that as emotions are things he feels but have been socialized to ignore. How can he respond any other way. Oftentimes, he doesn't know what to say and I, like you want a little sympathy, but he's just not going to do that unless you tell him what it is.

So tell him.. I'm crying because my period is here and I feel miserable, or I'm crying because the dog jumped into the pool, or Sammy left this lunch and I had to drive after the school bus in my pj's and rollers and Sheryl saw me and laughed at me.

See what I mean, just say it, ladies. The lesson here is talk. Be open, talk about what it is. Let him hear and he will determine how he responds. He might not say anything about it now but later or a few days from now he answers you by making a suggestion or fixes something.

Sometimes the greatest joys come from amazing surprises when we open up ourselves and reveal our vulnerabilities to the men we love. You never know how he might be thinking about something. You just never know.

Well, I think I have committed enough female angst for one blog. Maybe my readers will think I have lost my woman card so I should quit while I'm ahead, lol. But I will say that it seems to me the more we take time to listen to one another is the more effective we are at communicating. If we can talk it out, we can make it.

Let's go, people, let's talk.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire an dis the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org and follow her daily posts on Twitter and Facebook.

Her Body, Her Dress Size

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Fri, 17 May 2013 00:30:00 +0000

Retailer Abercrombie & Fitch are known for selling clothes to women who fit nothing more than a size ten (10). The average American woman wears a size fourteen (14)... And the CEO claims he makes clothes for 'cool' people and only attractive people are allowed in their stores? Really?

I wondered about this as he himself appears to be lacking in the area of attractiveness, so why has he become the authority on female attractiveness? I admit I find this disturbing on many levels as I fail to see what my dress size has to do with my attractiveness. Looking at pictures of extremely thin models and actresses I doubt that they are attractive as their bones are protruding through their skin and they need a lot of help from the camera to look normal and not as some emaciated half-starved victims of hunger strikes.

This debate is no laughing matter as many young girls in America have experienced body image issues. Many of them are shoppers of Abercrombie & Fitch and other retailers who are discriminatory about the sizes they make available to women and girls.

Personally, I have never liked their clothes as I had seen no difference between A&F, or a Ralph Lauren or any other garment for that matter. I have told my children that they will not wear a t-shirt or a pair of jeans from these retailers that can be obtained for far less somewhere else.

In understanding the fashion industry, many designers manufacture their clothes in the same factories in Bangladesh, and other countries. Therefore the clothes do not cost them much to make. They make more than a thousand per cent profit on a t-shirt made in Bangladesh that might have cost them 80 cents to make, but is sold for fifty eight dollars in America. I will never buy a t-shirt for that kind of money, and you shouldn't either.

We have to start putting our money where our mouths are. That is, by using our power as consumers to tell retailers, fashion designers and corporations, that we are not going to support their business unless they promote positive messages.

I can't see myself walking into a store where I am told that this store exists only for attractive people and persons who wear more than a size 10 are not allowed. I won't be supporting that! Not today nor any day when so many young women encounter health issues in their quest to attain the 'perfect' body weight. That perception of weight is developed and created by men who cannot understand that a woman's body is influenced by fluctuating hormones and is anatomically different from men as we are the carriers of the human race. Yes women bear, nurse and carry babies hence the reasons we are shaped anatomically different than men.

Unless there is a move to reduce the human race, women will always be necessary to nurture and continue procreating. I might be mistaken but this sounds much like misogyny, which is the hatred of women. All this objectification and pontification of our dress sizes suggest that a hidden agenda is afoot; that is a hatred of the female form.

Before you judge a woman based on her dress size, try putting your foot in her shoes and walk around in it. Do you think you could put up with nine months of discomfort, nausea, vomiting, and extreme unbearable pain so strong it separates bones?

Try having a period with excruciating cramps and watch as your skin swells and magically recede at the end of the cycle. I don't know what planet you dropped on earth from, but someone had to carry you in her womb, feed you, change you teach you how to eat, dress yourself and maybe you didn't get enough love, so now you hate women who remind you of the one whom you desired but could not have.

Don't get me wrong. I know all the reasons we should stay healthy. I myself maintain a healthy body weight in keeping with my health goals. But my dress size has nothing to do with my weight but everything to do with my body image and this is why it's wrong when retailers make clothing which minimizes a woman and emphasizing her clothing size.

For me and many mothers, such retailers won't see my face nor my money. No, not one dollar. My daughters' body images are way too important for you to criticize and sexualize to reap profits so you can sit in the south of France sipping margaritas and mimosas while my daughter has a fit because she can't find a pair of jeans in her size in your store.

Your store would be empty if you were to wait on my daughters' dollar. Their body images are way more important than anything you could do while watching your company's profits float into the sea of women's ire while you sip on the bitterness of lost profits.

Be careful what you do with women and our body images. I have found that Karma is a she and her name is bi--- when she comes back around.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. You can find more about Harriet by visiting her web site at www.harrietcammock.org and by her updates on Twitter and Facebook.

Dating A Sugar Daddy As A Career Choice

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Sun, 05 May 2013 23:38:00 +0000

I was minding my own business, scrolling through my Twitter feed when a headline jumped out at me. I had just written on the influence sex tapes have had on the life of a specific young woman who was featured as a teen Mom and who is now a proud card carrying member of 'The Sex Tape As A Career Choice Club'

Mmmm. There are so many ways in which I could go to town on this particular issue but as if it weren't enough to watch this unfold on my internet viewing sites I should have been prepared for this: Dating A Sugar Daddy for the Summer as an alternative career choice.

Wow! That should look good on a resume I thought, sarcastically and disparagingly as I am the mother of a twenty year old college sophomore who will be a junior in the Fall and who has been raised on the grain of 'hard work yields character'. Might I add here that my twenty year old daughter is beautiful and could choose to do whatever she wanted but she chose to do the right thing by electing to work for a living.

I am saying that because a billboard was placed strategically near a college campus in Illinois to attract young women and it had very colorful language. The original billboard read: 'Because the best job is a b---job, featuring the face of a former Charlie Sheen jump-off.

Should I be offended, heck yeah. And so should all the thousands of young women who are leaving college and heading out to work and not by using their mouths on the sex organs of aging men who have complexes about their sexuality.

I guess my blog will be shut down as I don't support the pornographic industry in its continued exploitation of children. They can't successfully make the argument that they are targeting adults as college-aged children are legally of age but they are destroying the perception that sex is associated with a positive body image and sex should not be used as a means of trade and not a career choice for college individuals.

Seriously, people, what the heck?

We can do better can't we? We should do better. We should stand up and insist that our children should not be exposed to this, even in this economy that has become a major headache for so many families. We ought to insist that they stand to gain from meaningful employment.

After all a b----job is just giving young girls a mouth full of b-----s---- that will not last a lifetime. They might get diseases that might be uncomfortable to explain to their future spouses. Imagine this - hey in my college junior year I took a job as sex ----- and that's how I ended up with mouth cancer--.

I can see that conversation happening. Try explaining that to a prospective employer when a picture makes it's way around the internet showing someone in a compromising position who later chooses to be an attorney general or some such position.

We should teach our children the dangers of making such choices. In today's reality, digitally captured images last a lifetime and one minute of bad thinking has a lifetime of negative repercussions.

Take heed young ladies and keep your mouths zipped and your legs shut. If no one else tells you take it from this mother that I would never want to see you nor my daughter caught up in a sensational drama twenty years from now as you make your way in the world. Slide this into the best advice you ever got column.

I mean where did this sick idea emerge. I am not naive neither am I a prude. I'm a member of a society who views sex as a trade and I'm aware that the sex industry generates huge commerce and is perhaps the owner of most media sites.

But I prefer to know that my college-aged nieces and daughter were not subject to seeing a billboard prominently displayed near a college campus advertising that the best job is a b---job.That is just some argument some j--- came up with in an effort to continue to exploit more young people.

You and I should start talking to our children about their body image, their self portrait and initiate the talk about sex. In depth. Don't skim over it, don't hide away from it. Talk about it.

I am of the belief that karma exists. Wouldn't it be something if the creators and operators of this program were to discover that it was their chidlren who participated?

Be careful of Karma, we found out it''s a b---h when it comes around.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet, visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org and follow her on Twitter and Facebook for her daily updates.

Sex Tapes And Influence

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Sat, 04 May 2013 16:37:00 +0000

I must confess that I, am just like you. It means you influence me as much as I influence you. Politicians, marketers and journalists refer to it as the court of public opinion but the truth is they are talking about the ways in which they get their message to us and the ways in which we respond, actuates the measure of their influence.

This is a key factor in cinching the electability of a candidate and in assessing how successful a marketing campaign will be. For instance, high end luxury retailers will place their products on certain celebrities knowing their legions of fans will rush to their online stores or brick and mortar establishments in order to achieve the look of that celebrity.

In an effort to emulate their favorite idol people will go bankrupt buying goods they don't need nor can afford just to feel like the image that celebrity projects. It's why people color and style their hair so they can look like whom they admire.

Nowadays it's taken a turn for the bizarre as you can walk into your favorite plastic surgeon and alter your physical features to look like someone you admire. How grotesque is that. Downright creepy is what I say. I prefer to keep my God-given looks any day of the week over trying to look like some one else. There is power in being unique. We don't invest enough of ourselves in ourselves as we seek to simulate whatever significance we perceive others may have by attempting to emulate them.

Which brings me to this; With all the celebrated status that comes with your high profile existence, what does your influence mean? If you are not impacting people positively and make no mistake that positivity is measured not by how many people rush to by a purse you were seen carrying but by the direct impact that your story has on their lives.

That's what should count for influence. We all know the story of one famous young lady who became the star of Youtube by producing a sex tape. This launched her media career and she became famous, for well nothing as people became curious about what she looks like with her clothes on as our first introduction to her was without her clothes.

It has become a media circus as her empire was created and sharkish lawyers and agents descended on her like vultures, advising her to keep pushing the limits of society's tolerance by doing anything over the top, under the top with anybody anywhere at the same time or all the time. Smh.

It became a family business. Media images were flashed everywhere. Reality TV was created and Twitter became fodder for her meaningless empire to continue it's message of nothingness. Yes believe it or not, it's all nothing because at the end of the day what did she do with her influence?

I was shocked late last night as I logged onto the internet and saw a trending story of a young teen mother whose life issues had been the basis of a reality TV show and in the constant reckless nature of depravity that our society has sunk to, in exhibiting no signs of moral decency creating abandon in the minds of impressionable young people who perhaps need guidance but instead are shoved images of decadence that is passed around as a meaningful life.

This young lady in an effort to get her career off the ground has sold her 'sex tape' for $1.5 million dollars. I couldn't believe it. Another impresionable young woman is saying if she did it so can I. I will do a sex tape that will make me a media star.

As I sat there and watched her face. I see desperation and a craving for significance that I've seen in the face of her more famous counterpart and I wondered to myself is this the new normal?

Are we now telling our children that anything goes. Seriously, anything? I have no issues with people viewing themselves as marketable but there is a distinction between uncovering one's own purpose and a desperation for media attention and money.

They did say money is the root of all evil. But what I have found is that money is not the problem, it's the desire to have money by any means necessary which becomes the problem. The desire for it creates desperation and desperation feeds egos which in turn leads to jealousy and jealousy leads to greed and greed becomes murder as people murder themselves emotionally and spiritually in order to achieve that almighty never ending dollar sign, in the belief that more money means an absence of pain emotionally and spiritually.

So they keep going to the man with a knife and tell him slice me here and cut me there make me so brand new that I look younger and don't even look like myself in an effort to make more and more money. The public tunes in by living vicariously through their own perceptions of what is good and bad and choose to lay down their morals on a bed in front of cameras and declare I'm making a sex tape. I'm going to get tested for HIV so I can display what should be privately viewed between her and the man she chooses instead is splayed and splashed across the pages of the internet.

Maybe she is dreaming about her power to acquire major brands who will think she has influence and pay her to sport their goods. While in her hearts of hearts, there is such sadness because she knows deep down something about this feels wrong and I'm not happy as I thought I would be but I'm doing it anyhow.

Now for the media queen, I wonder if as she views these pictures she asks herself what have I done with the influence I have been given. I had a chance to do something meaningful and worthwhile, but I have chosen to do it this way. It's my turn to ask you what are you going to do. Are you going to continue or are you going to say that's the only way to make a living or launch a career?

This is personal for me as I am the mother of a twenty year old daughter who is about to become a junior in college. She is endowed with the same physical beauty. But I told her when she was little that as beautiful as she is, her best beauty is the one not seen. I told her develop the talent of using her brains and you will never have to take your clothes off to make living. I have a second daughter who is on the honor roll in the fifth grade. She too is a budding beauty. I have taken the time to explain to both my girls the difference in using your influence for good as opposed to using it using it for bad.

It's about time someone tells our children that message. Help them to counter the images that they associate with success. Teach them the right things, show them how you made it. Explain that money is good to have, but the mean to acquiring it determines your outcome. Teach them how to feel good about what they do to make money and how to use the power of their influence.

I myself am not yet rich, but I can tell you this, I do feel good about what I do as I never have to worry about leading anyone's daughter or son down the garden path. And you know where that ends. In the pit of self destruction .

Be careful about the climb up the ladder. My grandmother used to say be careful about how you climb the ladder, because the the people you meet and how you treat them on the way up are the same people you will meet on your slide down.

I hope you can live with yourself as you watch this twenty one year old walk in your shoes on her way to what she might believe is superstardom. I hope for her sake, she doesn't have a seventy two day marriage and doesn't have to nip and tuck and slice away until there's nothing real about what's left.

See, you have to be careful about all that slicing. Each time you slice you take away a bit of yourself. It takes away from you, the part of you who on some days will say, maybe I shouldn't have done that that way. But heck, who cares, I have a world of adoring fans waiting on my every move and every look. If I can keep acting this way, they will be duped into thinking I am happy, let them believe because on some days I believe it too.

Influence? I have tons of it, it's my prerogative that as long as I'm making money that's all I need. Who cares about later. I will worry about that when the time comes and I really have to look myself in the mirror. Then I will think about it.

By then I won't even know myself. I woud have changed everything about me, so I won't recognize myself. Maybe that's why it's easy to do what I did as I have to look in the mirror and see the depravity and loneliness and pain that I know is there.

I wish you would change. Use your influence for good. Use it well.

Remember To: Never Look back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org and follow her on Twitter and Facebook to receiver her daily updates

Are you The Key Man?- The Underbelly of Big Business

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Wed, 01 May 2013 18:11:00 +0000

I was watching a Michael Moore film on Current TV on the weekend in which he talked about the love of capitalism. He highlighted something I thought I knew but found out how little I really know about the way insurance in the workplace is handled.

I suspect after reading this, many of you will share that viewpoint. The film covered a wide range of issues, but the one that grabbed my attention was an expose on corporations insuring their employees and the company being paid in the event of the employee's death.

Sounds familiar, as many of us at hire and on contract renewals often sign a ton of forms distributed by Human Resources that assure us we are covered and our families will benefit if we are injured on the job, injured on our way to work, etc. No harm done, right?

But what intrigued me was those companies who acquired insurance that was for profit to the company. That means they insured their employees so that the company stood to gain from the proceeds of insurance policies in the event the employee dies. Sounds harmless enough, except the employee nor his family members knew of the existence of this policy.

This raises a whole spectre of moral issues as one begins to question how do people die and what is the likelihood that they really died under the circumstances their death certificates say they did. Is it that companies who nowadays have so much more involvement in our lives that they can access our health insurance data and target those people whom are least likely to die? Or who based on certain illnesses have a greater exposure so the company may profit from their untimely demise by way of insurance proceeds paid directly to them.

This is a deep dark secret and it suggests companies are perhaps using employee deaths to boost income on balance sheets. This is too much to contemplate or believe. But the film did expose this fact and that is why I began to look around to see if there were other entities using the same methodology to protect themselves from losses sustained when someone leaves a compay through death or any other means.

This led me to discovering something happening within worship houses. I immediately thought this would have been the least likely place to find this but I discovered that why wouldn't they?

Most churches today are operated on a business model which means the church believes in order to stay effective it has to compete with entertainment offered in the mainstream. Which raises the question, what would the church do when most of its tithing population decease or move away or experience job losses.

Like in everything else they would obtain loss of income insurance. Except in this case they are insuring my grandma who is retired and and a regular financial contributor to the church's coffers. On her death, the church submits a claim for loss of income or whatever terminology they use to excuse their immoral and reprehensible act.

Should this be happening, you should be outraged. Here's the thing, if the church is doing the same thing as corporations do, then where's the hope for humanity. The church should be the bastion of all good things, dispensing hope and charity, and should refrain from any similarities associated with negativity and bad business practices.

Pity on those congregations where their pastors have insured their lives and they don't know that when they die, the church is benefitting from a loss of income achieved by your years of tithing and giving.

Some churches I have been told have had benevolent pastors who have shared the proceeds with the family. Good for him or her. But a vast majority of people don't know and if in fact you are reading this, it might be the first you are learning about it.

Now we know why preachers fight to keep members, it's all about the Benjamins (the US One Hundred Dollar Bill $100.00) after all. So next time you see your grandmother or aunt or parents writing a check to their church, make sure you keep a note of it. In the event of their death ask the church for some of the insurance money they collected from their death.

Believe me, I was stunned when I learned of the practice.

In companies where the insurance exists, insurance analysts and actuaries who conducted studies on the mortality rates in companies and used this data to inform CEO's that their mortality rates were too low and as result were not making money from their investment. That investment is your life that the company is carrying an insurance on, for which they are handsomely paid on your death.

By now you are suitably shocked and horrified. Perhaps developing a little intel on the company we work with and by sweet talking Amanda from HR is not a bad idea right about now. Lesson learned is to pay attention to the forms you are signing. If it begins to look as if people in your department are dying or five persons have died in the last five years, you might want to take a closer look at insurance policies aimed at benefitting the company in the event of your death. Boom!

This is not the same as key man insurance where the key players in an entity are insured because should they die it would pose a risk to the companies financial future.

This is why I say evaluate who you are . Make sure your capital is invested in you, your money, your stock market portfolio, your busineess. if you are going to be key man for anyone it should be for you not any one else. If you work for a corporation and you are the key man, well, you are being well paid for that. You are, I am sure seeing to it that you are adequately compensated.

You are also making sure you study insurance policies, and read the fine print. While you are signing insurance forms, tell them you have no problem with them insuring you, but just ensure a check is written to your family as well. After all, we all love capitalism, so spread the wealth around. Let 's all enjoy it.

Are you the key man? Shhh.... (the guy in the suit has the key).

Remember To: Never Look Back

Know When To Quit

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:04:00 +0000

Conventional wisdom indicates that a player of any game should know when the tide has turned against them. It makes me think of a baseball player or football, or a basketball player standing on a field or court and watching as the ball is headed towards them for what seems like the umpteenth time.

Somehow, as time goes by their reflexes weaken, peripheral vision dims and they are not making the plays they used to play and are being advised, that maybe it's time to leave the game. But how do you know when it's time to quit? What measures are in place to guarantee that quitting now will be good for your future as well as the game.

The prevailing wisdom is that if you quit while still ahead you stand to gain more in endorsements and if you leave while you are at the top of the field history will not list you among the has-beens or to follow a more popular program "Where Are they now"?

I choose to think that the game is not about quitting. It's about living. Whether I choose to stay in the game or quit while I can still command huge endorsements is not the issue. The thing is my perception of my contributions, abilities and the stacks of awards on my wall, are what I base my affirmation on, not what the public says about me.

Anyone who has lived in the public's eye know that the same crowd who says Hosanna, blessed is he who cometh in the name of the king of the game, the champion, the greatest who ever played the game; will shout, "Down with him", or "out with him", in a matter of days.

This is why quitting is your choice to make. It's not the brand you represent or the 'suits' who claim to have your best interest at heart. You have to determine what your limits and boundaries are. When you can no longer fit into the prescribed program and ideals you set for yourself, then you know it's time to go. The lesson here is never let the roar of the crowd influence you. Those folks cheering in the stands will be the ones tweeting and Face booking about your missed shots in less time than it takes for you to say whoa!

Your perception of your abilities to execute and finish the task at hand and the way you see yourself is what should drive the decision to quit. In other words, measure your effectiveness by how able you are to carry out the task and the spirit with which you do so, should be the primary factors to consider. More importantly it's about the way you see yourself, so when the glory of the game is over, and no one calls to ask your opinion on anything, you don't sit and wallow in self despair and choose to blow your brains out. Or visit the nearest mall with a rifle in your hands intent on making the people who are just like you with similar concerns, pay for your despair.

My friends, life is for the living and the game is not about the next match or series of plays but its about winning on and off the court or on and off the field, but winning is about the one most important thing; Life.

You have got to know, that the relationships we form with the people in our homes defines not just our character but our quality of life. Makes no sense to me that we live in multi-storied twenty thousand square feet homes where we communicate with each other by texts or through the staff. That's not winning.

Winning is being able to talk to your children and by listening, affirm them and let them know they are loved. Winning is having peace of mind despite the balance in the bank. Don't get me wrong. I'm an advocate for wealth and great wealth as I believe the episodes of widespread family violence we are seeing in our society today is due to financial worries. If we are able to make money and feel some measure of financial security, we won't kill each other as much as we have been doing. Tensions arise when bills remain unpaid, debt collectors are calling and income is at a deficit in comparison to outflows.

These are the issues of life today.

If we can re-define what it means to quit , we can have a new formula for life. What I am observing taking place in our country right now is that we need new strategies to fix our problems. The old solutions no longer work, we need new ideas and new ways of thinking.

This gives life to my argument that winning is what life is about. After all who remembers the name of the second place winner. But before you quit consider the reasons you are. It shouldn't be due to someone writing you off as being irrelevant or having forgotten how important your contribution was to a way of life or the the game.

You quit, when you believe you have accomplished your goals. Quitting is not the same as leaving. You never quit or give up just because things are not working the way you thought they would. Sometimes a new way of looking at things is what we need.

The problems we encounter today, require novel ways to fix them, politicians are not going to do it, and they and the wealthy don't care. It's going to take someone brave enough to say, I believe we can. Not some fancy guy who is charismatic and sweeps us along, and nothing changes, but someone brave enough to see through the mirage created by people who are unwilling to help those in need, who stands for what he believes is right and do right for the people who don't have the access or the power to change things.

I myself do not believe in quitting. I prefer to leave the game so I can rethink what my options are. I will walk away so I can develop a new perspective. But quitting? No way. That would be too easy. Way too easy. Am I saying quitters are cowards? Well if that's what you conclude then that's your perception. But what I am saying is that it's time to think anew.

This episode in history reminds me that there is nothing new under the sun. There was a time in human history when the gap between the rich and the poor was so wide there seemed to be no hope that people would ever get out of poverty. It seems to me that we are facing this very same issue again. History does have a way of repeating itself.

There is a worldwide epidemic of poverty that has now reached the shores of America. This is in fact why people are driving themselves crazy. Because now more than ever they have come face to face with the reality that for some, they will never be rich and in fact they have lost whatever they had gained and the rich continue to be rich and the poor are becoming poorer and poorer.

While the guys in suits continue to exact more hardships on the people. The 'suit' could be a lawyer, a banker, a hedge fund manager, preacher, or insurance executive, the end result is the same; the rich are richer and the poor become desperate.

I say to you be encouraged; Just as this phase of history was eventually removed so will this. Someone will come along who will be brave enough to face down the bad guys who are disguised as wolves in sheep's clothing, wearing suits, playing golf, making deals on golf courses and in country clubs and the back rooms of corridors of power.

For these guys quitting is not an option, if they do not quit at the game of taking your money in the way only rapacious capitalists do, why should you? If everyone who plans to kill himself or plans to give up thought about this; that by quitting you are making a way for these suits to win, I believe there will be no more quitters.

Each time that you think of quitting, you make them a winner. Sober up, chin up, square your shoulders and set you face like flint towards the finish line. That's what they do in the boardrooms of power, they think only of winning. If that's their focus, so should yours be.

This is not the time to quit. This is the time to push against everything that has come against you. PUSH until something good happens. Walk, talk, run argue, debate, advocate, tweet, Facebook do whatever you have to until the wheels turn in your favor.

Never give up, and never, ever quit. Your time is now. Get up and get moving on your dream. If I did it as a divorced, black, immigrant mother with nothing in my hands, so can you. Get moving on your dream and never ever use the Q- word again. Quitting is for cowards and at this game of life, you my friend is a winner.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Who Defines Your Self Portrait

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 01:53:00 +0000

I was at a gathering today and I must admit it was the best hour of my week's mornings so far. At the end of it, I told the organizers that I was glad to have been there and truly felt inspired. The gathering I am talking about was a seminar highlighting the contribution of an agency specializing in the treatment of mental health.

Nowadays we are becoming more and more aware of mental health issues and are now ready to admit, that there is a greater need for mental health professionals, as well as more access to care for families caught in the sway, of watching their loved ones ripped apart by emotions that go untreated.

For too long, we have allowed the stigma of mental health to sweep under the carpet the needs of our children and family members due to the negativity associated with impaired mental healing. As a result we are now seeing in our society the after effects of a lack of treatment in the identifying of complex mental issues. The impact of these is felt largely by the family and nowadays the wider community is experiencing the full blow of what can happen when someone remains unidentified and untreated.

This made me pleased to see how this agency was using tools and providing resources to the community at large. I commend them in their efforts. It would be good to find one in your area, and you like many others can volunteer or simply drop off a donation. You would be amazed at the work they do and the level of satisfaction you will achieve from knowing how your donations have directly impacted some one's life for the better.

Part of the treatment plan used by the agency is art. It seems that using techniques found in art classrooms such as forms, shapes and images are valuable in communicating how a person feels in the midst of a crisis.

All of us remember in kindergarten, when we were told to draw what goes on at home. Pictures were used to communicate ideas, shapes and forms to express the ways in which we communicate in our homes. These images are indelibly imprinted in our minds and form the basis of much of what we believe to be memory. Who would have thought of art as therapy?

I was moved to tears by the presentation. But what moved me the most was the idea of how we see ourselves. I have often talked on this subject through my radio show about the ways in which we perceive ourselves that becomes the language we communicate to others. Our attitudes, and perceptions are based on our experiences and are influenced by what our early caregivers might have told us about ourselves. This is why I say to my radio audience, get to know yourself.

Knowing and understanding who you are is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself. When you understand yourself and can adequately paint a self portrait in keeping with the truth about you and your own perceptions about your abilities, desires and goals, you have achieved self realization.

Never let your self portrait be defined by any one's thinking or ideas about you.

Do yourself a favor and complete a self examination exercise as soon as you have read this. Make sure all the elements in your self portrait are what you want to be there. It's okay to acknowledge that we have messed up. As for me I am a poster of what mess-ups can do to your message. In fact, had it not been for my mess-ups, I would not be who I am today. I use these well and include them in my portrait not as examples of what bad things are, but of what good can come from those areas in our lives that we may have missed the mark.

When you get to this point in your life where you can look around and write the best seller about your own life, telling your own story in a way that features the best of you, then you know you have the right self image. I can't claim to have done it all and seen it all and know it all. But this one thing I know, everything that has happened to you was for a reason,and a season and served a purpose.

The wisdom is to be able to distinguish between these and allow yourself room to breathe. Let the mishaps and mess-ups go. They were necessary to make you more adaptable and malleable to life's many seasons. They taught you valuable lessons about you and others around you. Stop throwing a pity party about the what-ifs and what should have been and could have been. Leave those in the category of missed-its.

Look instead at what you have done well. Admire it and appreciate the courage it took to get it done. Look within yourself. Whatever you don't like about you put it down to areas needing improvement and tell yourself I'm a work in progress but I am pressing on.

It means that you will make it, maybe not today but sometime soon, you will make it. And this is where most of us loose sight of what's important. We forget to remind ourselves that all of life is one long lesson in living well. We can't claim to have known it all until it's over. Then and only then can we say well, it's been the ride of my lifetime.

The road of life is long. We don't know how long we will be here, but what we can do is make the best of each moment, knowing that the choices we made in our twenties will not be the choices we make in our thirties,forties nor our fifties.

With each new decade comes a new understanding of ourselves. This is why you shouldn't attend the hating party of people who would rather point fingers but who cannot walk a mile in your shoes. Think about it, if they were to experience the things you have had to live with and survive, they would have lost their minds. Look at them and smile with confidence knowing that you have lived your life and survived some of the darkest moments anyone could experience. Don't accept that invitation, instead accept the one to leave the past in the past and sail on into the future.

Your past should always be in your rear view mirror as you drive into the future.

After all, life is just for the living. Keep on painting. Your portrait is not complete until you breathe your last breath. That's what you say to the naysayers who harp on your mishaps and missed-steps and the could haves and should haves of life.

I know this, your portrait isn't done, you are a work in progress. The Painter still has the brush sweeping over the canvas of your life, I see Him painting brush strokes erasing the tears and missed steps that became the miss-takes of your past but painting bright sunshine in your tomorrows.

He has the last say about your portrait, you are the canvas. Let Him do the painting and you live, laugh and love!

Remember To: Never Look Back

Know The Pharisees In Your Life

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:55:00 +0000

I am imagining the expression on your face as you read the next few paragraphs. For many of you the term Pharisees connotes a religious sect you may have read of in The Holy Scriptures during the time of the Mosaic Law.

This religious group became ever more notorious as they accused Jesus of claims He had made to being the 'Son Of God' and His divinity. Jesus famously called them out when he pointed out that the woman they were accusing of being a sinner, if they should find themselves free of sin, then sure, by all means stone her. At that statement, every Pharisee walked away, shamed into admission of their own human nature.
Many scholars believe this is what set in place Jesus' own death and crucifixion as He stood up to religious domination and bullying tactics of the day and time He lived in, and turned the tables on them by showing how hypocritical they were.

Today Pharisees still exist. They are sometimes appointed by Pharaoh (See Blog; Know The Pharaohs In Your Life) as the executers or foot soldiers of the organization. When Pharaoh desires public opinion to view him as the good guy, he sends a pharisee. If objections are raised by the people, Pharaoh can deny any wrong doing or make amends by stating a correction. In the end Pharaoh looks like a caring leader who is interested in the good of the people.

I have met pharisees in work environments, religious settings,and in social and family groups. They have a carefully orchestrated plan of action designed and proven to be effective in intimidation, and undermining individuals in order to execute their agenda.

The Pharisee mindset is geared towards making the Pharaohs of the world appear to be good at leading. Pharisees take pleasure in their role and often perceive themselves as Pharaoh's right hand man. They are the mouth piece of Pharaoh's organization and form the informal chain of command. Sometimes to get through to Pharaoh, it's quicker to go through the Pharisees than the organized system of authority.

Here are some signs of pharisees:

On arriving at the organization they look you up and down to determine if
a) you are appropriately dressed
b) if you look like you will be a problem for them to deal with
Their goal is to quickly identify those who are of independent mindsets and isolate them from the herd so as not to affect and infuse the herd with independent systems of thought.

Pharisees communicate the prevailing ideology of the group. For instance, you move into a close knit community. The welcome committee is made up of at least one pharisee who will appraise you of acceptable behaviors,modes of dress, preferred shopping patterns, appropriate schools and social activities of the group, making it clear that these are the acceptable traits of the group and compliance is mandatory to stay within the group.

Many of us cannot believe this but it happens. I have seen it unfold many times and on the last occasion this happened to me I almost slammed the door in their faces, but I had to stop myself from laughing.

In religious settings, pharisees take pleasure in extolling the virtues of the organization, personalizing it with many references to pharaoh, making pharaoh sound like a saint. Sometimes Pharaoh doesn't know he's being talked about but his name and title are used to intimidate followers into obeying the commands of the pharisee who has appointed himself or herself to ensure ' standards are being met'.

You have been given permission to laugh out loud. Unbelievable, but this is true. Very true.

Pharisees often gloat about their position in the organization. They see themselves as being more important than they really are. And what they fail to see is that Pharaoh uses them to achieve his own desires. But they obtain a level of satisfaction at seeing themselves as being powerful and having access to Pharaoh.

You have to be careful when dealing with a pharisee. They are good at misrepresenting the facts and will tell Pharaoh things you did not say by using their immediate access to him, you don't get a chance to tell your side of the story. By then you have already been painted red.

Get to know pharisees and identify them quickly. Knowing them will prove to be one of the best experiences in your dealings with people. In every organization there is one. Sometimes they are quickly identified based on their title and position. Sometimes they are not. You have to figure out who is in charge as the pharisees seems to have more power and access to pharaoh than the people in the formal organization structure.

Pharisees are hypocritical and critical. Their bane of existence is to criticize and show you how much of a good company man they can be, compared to you. Never invite them into your personal circle. Do not share your stories nor family issues and secrets. You may think you are confiding, but before long, your intimate personal details are all over the company or organization or country club.

For years, I used to think Pharisees had a perfect life. I mean they never seemed to have any issues. But I later found out that they were so busy watching everyone else and they omitted to tell their story that was filled with issues, and lies and untruths.

I am shaking my head at the various representations of Pharisees I have witnessed in my life. I am remembering people who if they only knew how much they were being manipulated as part of Pharaoh's machinery, they would stop and live a little for themselves.

And that is the point of this story,isn't it time for you to live a little? Stop being a pharisee. Live and let live as my grandmother would say.

Stop being judgemental while you are pontificating and posturing on behalf of someone who really does not care about your well being. Who appointed you judge? As my daughter would say, get a life yourself. Go live a little. Get out from under the mindset of negativity that permeates your existence. Look in your own backyard. The lawn needs some fertilizing and trimming. Clean up your life before you pass judgement on others.

As Jesus did to the Pharisees in the Bible, examine yourself. The lesson learned, is before you judge someone else, make sure your own back yard is clean.

You never know when the tables will turn. The person you ignore and insult today, may be the person you need tomorrow. Do good to someone today and good will come back to you.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Love Does Not Hurt

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 17:08:00 +0000

I decided to write about this as I find that many are curious about what a woman goes through when she is being abused. When I was writing my book Through The Fire, my publisher asked me to detail what it felt like so I could paint a picture for the reader of the emotions I experienced when I was going through it. It was almost as if I was watching myself walk through a series of scenes in my own life and I watched as I experienced each of them.

In order to do that I had to resurrect feelings I had long buried and confronted on my worst days. The human mind has the capacity to erase and subdue memories and feelings it deems unhealthy to your emotional survival. This was my experience. I found my mind had deliberately chosen to forget those feelings so that I could continue living a normal life.

For years I dealt with symptoms similar to Post -Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as I would react to loud noises or if someone came up on me from behind or I would flinch if I saw a tall dark man walking towards me.

Somewhere in the middle of this you might be asking what happened to your emotional and sexual feelings. Good question. For some time I never addressed them publicly as I had not confronted them privately.

My feelings became my own prison as I had to deal with and lay to rest the negative emotions associated with the physical and emotional abuse I had been in.

I married someone whom I was attracted to physically and emotionally. He felt safe as I had lacked a father figure growing up and had been sexually abused as a child. I had been searching for a secure feeling so I wouldn't feel powerless and helpless as I had been when I was six years old. I had never disclosed this to the man I married as I had not dealt with the emotions coming from it.

It was a classic case of looking for love in the wrong place. I was drawn towards this man based on the dysfunction in my upbringing. Whenever I mentioned the abuse in the marriage, I was reassured by others that these incidents take place in marriages. One woman shared her own intimate stories of how she had lived with abuse for years by telling me it was ' no big deal'. I was still trying to figure out my feelings as I couldn't imagine if someone loves you, why would they want to hurt you.

It's difficult to express to someone who has not been abused what it feels like. I can tell you this, that I wish it never happens to your nor anyone you know. The feeling of betrayal and hurt is incomparable to anything you can imagine. To know that someone you loved and trusted violates you is unbearable.

This is similar to what children who have been sexually abused by a family member or someone who was a trusted family friend, feel. As an adult the feeling is the same. It's a violation of the trust you had extended in sharing your intimacy with someone who in turn abused you. It's like feeling like a helpless six year old all over again, except now you are an adult who is asked to make dinner after an abusive episode.

Confusion appears when you you hear the words I am sorry. I used to sit in numbness and watch as he would place an ice pack on my face that was swollen from the place where his fist had just been. I couldn't respond to a hug as I was wincing from the the bruises on my arms and torso. I didn't want to be kissed by the same lips that had just shouted and called me names. And sometimes when he raised his arms, I would place my hands over my head as if I was defending myself from him.

At times like these, it feels like your whole world has stopped spinning. The feeling of being treated like a child, but you are a grown woman running from a husband who is beating you, is something no woman should ever experience. I used to run and hide in my closet or in my daughter's room as he would block all exits so I couldn't run outside for help. Sometimes he would turn up the volume on the radio, so no one could hear my cries for help. Sometimes, I would stop crying. And just sit still.

This was emotionally damaging and I knew it. I told myself that I would need years of therapy to be able to communicate with men in the future. I would look myself in the mirror and reassure me that I was still beautiful and loved and one day, my prince would show up and tell me he loves me. Thats when I knew that love does not hurt.

Love healed me. Perfect Love healed the broken places in my sexuality. I had to force myself to interact with males to prove that all men don't hurt. I told myself over and over that what had happened was a bad thing, but most men do not hurt the women they love. I learned to disassociate the negative experiences and place them in the past. That's where they belong, in my past.

In my healing I have shed many tears, they let me know I am human and subject to the failings of the human condition. I don't dwell on the past but face the future with the deep assurance that I will never, never feel unsafe again.

I know he's out there. The one for me. He knows who he is. As he reads this he sees himself clearly in my story that he's the one who will recover and reclaim all. I am still feminine and beautiful on the inside and out, I am soft and pretty and love life. When you see me on Facebook and Twitter posting about abuse, it's because I know what it's like for women to feel deeply hurt and betrayed by the men they have loved who hurt them in the name of love.

In every story there's always a winner. Someone who overcame the odds. I am not sure I am nominating myself for this, but if you are reading this and you recognize yourself, then you are my winner and my heroe.

This is for all the women and girls who have survived physical, emotional and sexual violence. No one knows the pain and shame you have been carrying. I share your sorrow, but I also share your triumph. You are not alone, we are all in this together.

Wounded warriors become wounded healers.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet, visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org and follow her daily posts on Facebook and Twitter.

What Are You Willing To Give Up To Feel Safe

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 17:02:00 +0000

I have been writing on dating violence and signs of abuse for sometime now and I have come to the realization that in order for us to feel 'safe', we have to be willing to give up something. What that something is, will be a matter for us to judge and identify.

So many of us have been programmed to believe that there is a man who will come riding into our lives on a white horse to our emotional rescue. This prince will be everything we have dreamed of. He will be smart, handsome, rich and p-e-r-f-e-c-t.

That's the one quality that sums up everything about him. It takes life and it's many experiences for us to realize that perfection is non existent in human beings and that the very thing you thought you loved has proven to be bad for you.

Due to this emotional conditioning, we are programmed to look at every man through idealistic lenses. It's what my grandmother would refer to as rose colored glasses. We fill our minds with images of romanticism and forget the real world scenarios that exist in our lives.

It's this romanticism that makes us ignore the warning signs of abuse, because we want to believe that the man who has swept us off our feet is perfect, we refuse to to address the silent signals his words and actions are telling us about who he is and what's to come.

If we were to address these signals and warning signs, we would loose our romanticism. We would have to give up our cinderella story and cease to believe that our man is a prince. Would life be better? I don't know. The real question is do we really need to have the romance in order to choose a partner.

My question to you today is what are you willing to give up to feel safe. If your desire is to be involved in a relationship that promotes mutual respect, admiration, love and appreciation, that can be achieved without romanticism and expectations.

There are good men out there. Many of them are hidden and are buried beneath layers of self consciousness, shyness, communication skills and a lack of recognition. They don't win awards and are reluctant themselves to seek the limelight. They prefer to do what they do, silently but protect the ones whom they love fiercely. They just don't use a lot of words to do it.

They stand on the side lines and watch as we are lead off by their flashier cousins who have the gift of gab to out-talk and compel us by their forceful personality to believe every word they say. These good men often appear to be shy, they are quiet, it doesn't mean they are not achievers, they just don't make a lot of noise as they go about life.They save their noise for what matters; making you happy and giving you a fulfilled life.

These are the real men. They know what it takes to make us happy and are willing to give up a part of themselves (except, sports, the remote, and more sports) lol, to see the light in our eyes as we laugh at their corny jokes.

I appreciate them. They rarely make waves and stand on platforms, but for all their quietness they make sound systems with the many ways in which they make you smile.

On the other hand, is the guy who is handsome,confident, charming but who is also controlling, demanding, and insists that you life will be happier if you just do as he says. He never makes you feel safe as you walk on eggshells through your life trying to avoid the scenarios that make him unhappy to avoid violence in your home. Would you be willing to give this up to feel safe?

By now you are saying yes I would. If I had to re-my live my life over again, I would say yes to the quiet, nice guy who didn't make waves, wasn't charismatic but who never made me feel unsafe. I felt loved and assured and perhaps what scared me was the sense of sameness that my life would be. Maybe that's what it was.

I tend to think I had been conditioned to believe that if my prince were not charming, he wouldn't be a prince. Heck, I found charm had a price. It was steep. It almost cost me my life to get out of it.

To this day, I still pause to think despite, whatever current obstacle I face, that I'm grateful to be alive. I celebrate life every day and remind myself how precious life is. I think this accounts for my obsession with effective time management. I don't like wasting time and I keep busy trying to utilize the many hours in the day. Some days there are not enough of them.

What am I willing to give up to feel safe? Everything. Nothing counts like peace of mind. Believe me, nothing is quite like the peace I live with every day, knowing I will never, never be afraid of any man I love. My personal safety is my peace of mind. This is something I wish every woman would feel about the man she is with. Safe. As for me, well, my story is unfolding.

You just got an inside look at why I'm single, it's about me feeling safe, and until I can absolutely feel safe, I won't be entangled with love.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet, visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org and follow her daily posts on Twitter and Facebook.

The Unity Of Hate

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 22:24:00 +0000

In Memory of Boston Marathon 2013

About a year or two ago, a young man who was a Facebook friend had posted on his timeline the acronym for HATERS. At that time I found it hilarious as I was experiencing some serious reaction as I progressed to my life's goals.

But as I examined his theory further, it became clear to me that he was onto something. If there is one thing I have found that unites people who dislike you, is the common feeling of resentment they have at any progress you make.

I have seen this evidenced in my own life, too many times to tell. But the hatred I'm writing about today is the national one that affects all of us, such as what happened at the Boston Marathon on Monday April 15, 2013.

It seems we have become a nation that is in the throes of it's second awakening. Having made it out of two world wars, and various regional wars in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq,and Afghanistan, and the cultural revolution of the 1960's, we seem to have turned the light of introspection onto ourselves and are now hating the things that we used to love about us and our nation.

Though I wasn't born here, I have often been an admirer of the American spirit as epitomized in the freedom to be yourself, to celebrate life, to appreciate the gift of liberty and freedom.

Where did all that go.

Yesterday in Boston reminded me of September 11, 2001 all over again. I sat and watched as the land I have come to love experience the hate inflicted upon it by persons within or without, who may not share the same perspectives of individual freedom and liberties.

Before you go off on hating me for expressing my opinion, let me clarify what I'm talking about. Hate refers to those who dislike the freedoms America stands for. It doesn't matter if the acts in Boston were perpetrated by outsiders or insiders, the fact is it was an act of hate. Note well, we are not identifying any group or individuals, we are simply talking about hate.

It was typified by those who hate freedom, the freedom to gather and celebrate life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Here in America, we work hard and we play hard. When we work, we do so excessively, long hours and long commutes. Americans are exhausted people driving on the roads, falling asleep behind the wheel, falling asleep at work, creating illnesses and diseases as a result of hard work, stress and lack of rest.

This is why when we pause to celebrate life, it's such a beautiful thing. Americans cherish their freedom. They like their individual liberties and like to gather to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

That's what happened to me watching the events unfold on Monday. I was saddened by the destruction of the freedom we all cherish to gather to simply celebrate life; whether we go to the mall, free from the fear of seeing men with guns, walking around, as if we are in a war zone, we like to feel free to go see a movie after a hard week's work, we like to gather to run a marathon, watch a parade, and watch us making ourselves look silly. This is the quality and fabric of our lives.

It has always been the task of freedom writers to bring freedom to individuals wherever they might be. The idea of the American way of life might seem a little too much, but think of it this way; the reward we get for hard work is the freedom to gather wherever we choose to be.

On Monday, April 15, 2013, people gathered to watch others compete in a friendly marathon. No one could have guessed that destroying the atmosphere of camaraderie and good will was on anyone's agenda. But hate showed up and demonstrated how quickly things can be destroyed.

Hate is powerful. Be careful of it. People who hate gravitate to one another. They share a common ideology of getting back at someone or destroying someone's way of life, because they don't like to see you happy. Haters unite all the time, every time. History is replete with stories of haters becoming friends and creating enemies of people who were friends.

Hate is poisonous. It gets into your mind, your will and your emotions. If you sit and listen to someone who spews hate at others, eventually you become just like them ; filled with hate for people who have never hurt you and now you find yourself joining with people whom you never would have joined with, but are now united, with the common goal of destroying someone you both hate.

This is what I refer to as the unity of hate. United in destruction, this is what we are facing individually and nationally. It's represented in individual lives. You and I at the micro level see it play it out in our friendships, our professional relationships and in social gatherings. Hate destroys friendships as people gather in your name in your absence and plot your destruction.

Now hate has taken on a bigger picture. We are seeing haters united across this nation intent on destroying a way of life, pulling us into it's grip of fear, leaving us to grapple with questions on how do we handle public events. What will we do about Memorial Day and 4th of July celebrations? What will we do at basketball, football and other sporting events. We gather in these places celebrating the joys of acheivement and friendship, now we gather in fear that those who hate us are stronger than those who love us.

Unity by hate must go. This was the same kind of hate that sent six million people to gas ovens and left a dark mark on humanity for all time. One man began a movement of hate directed at one group of people and energized an entire continent to unite by hate to eradicate an entire way of life for some.

Hate is a powerful emotion. Hate is destructive. Unity by hate is even more so. Let us work together to erase hate. We are one nation, out of many, we are one. Let us forget the hate.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show and is the author of Through The Fire. For more information on Harriet, vist her web site at www.harrietcammock.org and follow her daily posts on Twitter and Facebook.

Know The Pharoahs In Your Life

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 15:21:00 +0000

In ancient Egyptian culture, the rulers of that land were named Pharaoh. He represented a god like system of government where absolute power ruled absolutely. There was no dissent as his word was law.

This was evidenced by the fact that in ancient times lands were conqured and people subjected to the rule of law of a foreign king who lived hundreds and even thousands of miles away, but who ruled with such fear and domination that NO One dared to resist his orders. Lack of capitulation to the demands of the king was punishable by immediate death.

In our modern world today, abosulte rule has been replaced by democracy and the rule of law is maintained by policing which protects the citizenry from anarchy. Dissent is tolerated and viewed as part of the political discourse and especially here in America, there is no fear of reprisal when one disagrees with a politican or any poltiical view. God bless America. I cannot speak for the rest of the world, but I can say I appreciate the democratic system of government in this country.

Cheers to the democratic process.

Politics aside, I want to address the pharaohs who occupy and rule from places of power in our lives. They are either self appointed or we put them there, in the often mistaken belief that they, and how they feel about us is important to our emotional and spiritual well being.

These are the modern Pharaohs.

Just as the pharaohs of old ruled by fear and intimidation, today's modern rulers use fear as a tool to maintain compliance to their requirements. They dominate and rule their homes, places of work, places of worship as if it were a medieval feudal empire in which citizens have no say in the state of affairs as it affects their lives.

Such rulers are seen and feared on sight. Many of you reading this have experienced what I am writing about and are perhaps nodding your head in recognition of the system that has held you hostage.

In my story I had married a pharaoh. The sound of the garage door opening was like the sound a gong makes as it resonated to the deepest fears I had of not surviving the evening's massacre on my emotional and physical self.

Later I exchanged a pharaoh of a husband to a pharaoh of a boss and then found myself in a battle for religious freedom for women as the saga of identifying pharaohs continued.

Pharaohs require absolute obedience. Words like, respect me when I get home or when I enter the building are indicative of the mindset of complete and utter domination intended by an individual who desires to be viewed as a person of importance. Their image is placed on paintings, and pictures often dominate the entrances of their homes and places where they rule.

It's a part of the system of intimidation to let you know who is in charge and to remind you of your role in the system. They often tell you by their words, actions and body language what they think of you and the role you play.

The reasons Pharaohs are effective at getting us to drink their kool-aid is not their personal charm or charisma. It's because we choose to believe that someone who looks like us, sounds like us would not hurt us. We choose then, to believe what we want as the evidence points to this fact; who has the power in the relationship.

My father once told me that who has or controls the money in a relationship is the person with the power. Wise words.

I should add that I have found my father's words to be true. I lived it and experienced it.

To my surprise, pharaohs are threatened by your individualized thinking. In fact, under their system of rule, there is no requirement for you to think, they expect only blind obedience to their will. There is no democracy present as they become the theocracy and the rule of law in that establishment.

These are the people who make you feel that your talents and gifts are only to be used by the corporation or entity and the reason you have those gifts, are to lay them at pharaoh's feet and placed on the altar as your contribution to the empire.

In our modern world there have been many instances of pharaoh ciphoning ideas, and intellectual property. They are adept at making you feel that you are incapable of using your gift and it is best used by someone who can distribute it. Note well, somehow you never enjoy the benefits of your gifts. But pharaoh will make you feel good about giving away the best of you and they walk away leaving you in the dust.

Know your pharaoh.

They use a variety of tools to gain your contrition and compliance. These individuals are often charming at the onset and are incredibly charismatic; they can make you do what they want you to do and make you feel that your money, or your gift is a donation to the enterprise. But here's the catch; you never profit from the sale or rewards the creation or distribution of your talent brings. This is only for Pharaoh's use.

Pharaohs are skilled at the art of manipulation. That is a study by itself. The questions I have asked myself over the years is how did you allow a man who thought he was god-like, who believed that he had been given the right to rule me. I'm still shaking my head at the very thought of believing that somehow he could rob me of their personal freedom, forever. Unbelievable.

I have found that Pharaoh is a mindset of beliefs requiring you to contribute to the lifestyle they enjoy. They want you to give as much as possible and the more you give, the less you have, but Pharaoh has to continue living his lifestyle even in the midst of a bad economy.

Pharaoh asks you to make cutbacks to support the survival of the company, but the only sacrifices he seems to make is-- nothing. Yet his family or her family continue to live in luxury while you are giving from the little you have left.

And you give, and you give and you give. Pharoah, collects and collects and collects. The more you give is the greater the hardship on you, but Pharoah is insistent on you giving, just like the Pharaoh of ancient Egypt who made the children of Israel slaves, gave them hard work, but was insistent on collecting his taxes from the enslavement of the people.

Pharoahs can be emotionally cruel. They ridicule you in front of your colleagues in meetings and make you feel bad about yourself. But the thing that hurts the most is watching them take from you to enrich themselves while you subsist in poverty and they continue to live excessively.

Pharaohs are obstructionists. Their role is to prevent you from learning new ways of doing things,
knowing the full potential of who you are and preventing you from pushing forward to achieve your goals. They prefer to keep you bound by their hidden agendas of containment, preventing you from moving forward. This is why I say know your Pharaoh.

They are often disguised as doing good and only care about you and your survival, appearing to give well meaning advice. But have you ever discovered that with all their good intentions towards you, they seem to be the only ones improved, always achieving more and obtaining more connections while you are still at the same level.

And where is that? You might ask, good question. Beneath them, where they want you to be serving them and being subservient but never empowered.

Self empowerment is not what Pharaoh wants to hear from you as it serves his agenda to destroy you ultimately. And many times we fail to recognize the pharaohs in our path as we want to believe that the people whom we choose to be with, want the very best for us.

It can be emotional and very stressful to sever ties from Pharoah. In fact it will be very difficult to do so. You know you are dealing with a pharoah when you hear words like; you will never make it without me, if you leave you can't comeback, I have done everything for you, and the classic; you are ungrateful.

And you are sitting saying to yourself , after all these years I have given my very best and watched as Pharaoh drives off in the best cars, live in the best houses, wears the best all the while you are counting pennies, trying to make a living.

Sounds cruel, but this is real. This is your wake up call to identify the pharoahs in your life so that you can know what to do.

Knowledge is power, use it to improve yourself. It's time to shake off the shackles of mental enslavement.

Know your pharaoh. Know when to leave.

Remember To: NeverLookBack

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet visit her web site at; www.harrietcammock.org and follow her daily posts on Twitter and Facebook.

Know When To Leave Him

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 22:11:00 +0000

In every relationship there comes a time when it's time to leave. Typically there are warning signs pointing to the end. We choose to ignore them to our detriment. I have heard people say I knew it when... I believe that when the first sign shows up,then it's time to leave.

Warning signs begin with a little feeling in the pit of your stomach. Say, you think your man is cheating, it might be a thought or a feeling you had when he called to say he would be working late or is hanging out with the guys, or lipstick on his shirt and suddenly you find your first notification that something is wrong.

The question is why do we choose to ignore it? Because we don't want to deal with the after effects of a bad break up,we don't want to loose our marriages and we tend to want to hold on to the hope that things will work out fine.

Truthfully, ignoring early indicators of an impending break up creates more problems later on in the relationship. Whatever you don't deal with festers; it doesn't go away and when it's time to deal with it the problem is bigger.

I have found that there are some early indicators of when something has gone wrong in relationships. Just like you, I tend to assess the damage proposed and look for options before confronting the issue. In life, the truth is whatever you don't confront has the power to affect you. Choosing to confront your issues makes you able to conquer them and conquering is empowering.

So, when should you leave him?

a)The relationship no longer works for you

b)Pursuing the relationship is no longer in keeping with your needs and desires

c) He becomes unresponsive to you,

d)At the first signs of control and abuse,

e)When his interests seem to be elsewhere.

In marriages, this might be a little more complicated. There are investments, child care responsibilities, mortgages, and other financial obligations to consider. The thing to assess is the potential damage any of these identified issues pose to the survivability of the marriage. Added to that are what are the goals of the marriage.

Choosing to stay or leave is a decision you will have to make. Delaying it means delaying the damage, delaying the pain, the anger and the humiliation and you are delaying your own recovery. When it's time to go, it's time to go. You can argue, beg plead and any number of denial tactics even refusing to believe that what you thought would have lasted is no longer good for you, but in the end it's to move on.

It's all right to realize that it's no longer good. You will find the world won't end, the Universe will not shut down, the sky won't fall and yes, the sky still be blue. You may have some adjustments to make, but eventually as unbelievable as it sounds, you will survive.

When the warning signs become evident it's time to begin thinking of exit strategies. The relationship is going down hill. You can wait for the day, when across the breakfast table, he asks for a divorce or you can start packing! Trust issues in a relationship manifest in many different ways. Control and abuse escalates to physical violence, but once trust is gone, so goes the love.

Financial issues is a whole different dynamic. If you have been together for any period of time and one of you looses their job, then that's not a time to leave. Stay in the relationship and work it out. Help and support with much understanding as the job market is a difficult place in today's reality.

In the meantime set some goals, make adjustments you can agree on to your lifestyle as you now have to live on one income. Cooperate and talk it out. Support the partner who is working not just by doing housekeeping, but in job searches, spending less, cutting corners and doing whatever needs to be done to demonstrate your intention of staying together. This too will pass.

Life comes with storms. The good thing about storms are the warning signs they issue. Watch the forecasts in your relationships to know what to do before the inevitable happens. Know the warning signs and take evasive action. If you feel you must protect what you have fight for it's right to stay alive, but respect you inner warning signs: If they say leave, then go in peace.

Know when to leave him and know when to love him. If you must stay, do so with knowing.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org.

No Judgements

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 06:29:00 +0000

President John F. Kennedy is quoted as saying life is unfair. I agree with him on this. I have found myself judged too many times in my life and there have been times when I have thought that life was very unfair.

Judgement is too often delivered by people who have a self righteous approach to life. Some are also arrogant and self assured that they will never find themselves in the predicament they're judging you about. A close examination of their story will reveal that there are many issues within their story that would be better served by them giving attention to their own lives.

I have often said how could you judge me unless you have walked a mile in my shoes. Judgements are not fair as they don't take into consideration the reasons for the choices you have made. If someone were to place themselves right smack in the middle of your life and be surrounded by the circumstances you face, I am sure they would make the same choices you have.

But doing away with judging is not easy to do. It seems to be part of the human condition.

From my experience, the people who seem to be quick to judge are those who are jealous, family, close friends and persons in your circle. Due to their proximity, they know more about you. However they choose to pass judgement even when the truth of the issue is before them. It is very easy to sit on the sidelines and call the difficult plays. Your perception of the game will be very different when you find yourself int eh midst of it.

In the case of celebrities, I find they are judged by the public but that is a double edged sword as they live their lives publicly. They seek media attention and so it comes with good or bad.

For most of us, the people who are closest to us are the ones who are intimately familiar with our story. They are the ones who are always ready to cast the first stone. Be careful of throwing stones at people who find themselves in need of our sympathy, empathy and help. It is better to reach down and pick them up while not asking for an explanation than it is to judge.

I have learned to be careful when judging others. I have found that the same judgement I pass on someone today, I might find myself in the same situation tomorrow. I think this is what keeps me humble. The fact that I am always in need of forgiveness and that I don't have all the answers.

Judging is easy to do, when you are not the one facing life's battles. I have learned to apply just a little empathy instead of judging. It might not solve the problem but it goes a long way in making the person feel better about the decisions they made.

When things are going well, we feel on top of the world. We look down on others and exclaim at their misfortune. We think that the reason they are where they are is due to a lack of informed decision making on their part.

And then misfortune visits us. Suddenly we know what it is like to have the shoe on the other foot. Now you know what it is like to be judged and talked about. Now you know how it feels.

Now that you know, you will take the time to learn about someone or better yet don't judge them. You can say I don't know their reasons but I wish them well.

I have walked through the fire. I learned some lessons along the way. It taught me to be accepting of others even if I don't agree with their decisions. I was humbled by the fire. I have scars, the wounds healed but the scars are my reminder not to judge.

No judgements. Live, Laugh and Love. Life is too short. Celebrate it.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on Harriet, visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org.

What Does My looks Have To Do With Me Getting a Job

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 00:10:00 +0000

I read a report in The Economist which stated that attractive women were denied careers due to their attractiveness. The report went on to detail the prospects of attractive men who apparently fared better than their less attractive counterparts.

The study sought to prove a scientific basis for its conclusions but could not find any. The data collected suggested something else, that human feelings were involved. Based on the fact that human resources departments are staffed by 93% of women, the study concluded that good old fashioned jealousy was the root cause.

Boom! Yes. Jealousy that green eyed monster is the reason pretty girls don't seem to get jobs. Attractive men, on the other hand don't seem to have a problem landing their dream jobs as the odds are in their favor.

I have written about the reason women hate each other and it bears repeating once again to address the issue of relations between women. I would like to see the day when women adopt the same camaraderie men have, of immediately bonding with one another. That is not to say that men don't envy each other. They do. But on the big issues they tend to do a better job of looking out for one another than women seem to do for each other.

In my own experience I have found this to be true. In fact, I have downplayed and dressed down to face job interviewers in the past as I knew that I would immediately be judged on my appearance rather than on the qualifications for the job.

It seems to me that companies need to do a better job of handing over controls of hiring to people who are less inclined to use their feelings when looking for prospective job seekers rather than determining that a woman's attractiveness is a reason for denying her opportunities. In one country in Europe, in an effort to address this anomaly, resumes are invited to be submitted without photographs and without names.

This places the focus on the qualifications for the job and nothing else. Here in the US, we are not required to submit photos with our resumes, but with the existence of Google Images, Facebook, and Linked In there's no need for photos.

If this is happening in companies, this then is discrimination. If I am denied opportunities for career placement because an HR specialist or manager deems me too attractive and fears her own displacement, I suggest this is discrimination.

In work environments the playing field should be leveled. There's enough discrimination already taking place. Games of one-upmanship, rivalries, and petty disputes reign supreme. It shouldn't be that people loose being placed in positions due to their attractiveness.

After all in today's world, if you are unhappy with your nose, your face and other parts of your anatomy, you can simply make an appointment with your plastic surgeon who will give you the face you feel you should have and the face you can pay for.

With this said, what are the fundamental reasons for this disparity in employment? We said before it's based on jealousy. Where does jealousy come from? Insecurity. You know those personal insecurities we have been carrying around from childhood? The ones that remind us of the limitations people impose on us due to circumstances or family ties, etc.

If we can find a way to overcome our personal insecurities we will be better able to view the world from a wholesome perspective. In other words, if we can rid ourselves of the broken record that is playing in our head, that record that comes to our own internal mail box that reminds us of something from the past that made us feel belittled, less than, or demeaned, we can have some progress to the future.

So many women allow themselves to be held hostage by their fears and insecurities masquerading as meanness when in fact they are afraid to take ownership of the reasons they continue to hurt and demean women who are more attractive than they are,

Sadly, I am not sure if this is going to end anytime soon. I wish for an end to all forms of discrimination. It's up to you what you want to do about it. The next time an attractive woman walks in to your establishment seeking a job, or needs a question answered what will you do? Will you spit fire, be mean and nasty to her or will you view her as just another person.

I have found that where jealousy exists deep seated insecurities are present. Addressing these is the first step in ridding yourself of negative emotions. It might be true that you rob me of an opportunity. But the truth is you are the loser. I will and always will be the product of who I believe I am.

Nothing from the past controls my way of thinking. Similarly, nothing from the past dictates how I should treat anyone and certainly nothing can impress me to discriminate against another woman based on her attractiveness.

I encourage women who continue to discriminate and fight against other women to look within.

That insecurity that is masking your decisions is a deep seated fear of failure. You failed to get over the fact that you fear what they told you sometime ago would prove to be true; that there's always someone better than you.

Free yourself from negative thoughts. Bob Marley said it best "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds".

We didn't endure the women's rights movement to come to this point where we are tearing down one another. We didn't stand and face down overbearing men to obtain the right to vote , the right to do with our bodies as we wish, the right to bear children when we want to, and the right to work and earn a living.

We didn't face these obstacles to now become victims of our insecurities as we fight against one another. Take a look at men, they stand together and defend their territory. We should do that. We should.

When next you see a pretty girl walk into your business, remember she's the reason you are there. You are the gatekeeper to ensure that only women enter therein. You are protecting the turf to see to it that women get a fair chance at the opportunities in the workplace, and other facilities.

Stand together, and stand strong. United we stand, divided we fall.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is an on air personality with Blog Talk radio and KEBN Radio. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook and visit her web site for more information at www.harrietcammock.org

Your Buying Power

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 18:41:00 +0000

If I were to ask how do you use your buying power, what would your response be? I like many of you are consumers and sometimes we become inured to the power we have in our hands; that is the ability to purchase and support a corporation or buinsees by buying their products.

Buying is investing and marketers and brand maniacs know and understand that concept. Hence the reason companies invest thousands of dollars to know and understand who you are and the ways in which you are being influenced so they can target your pocket or pocket book.

My argument for this stems from my observation that there are not many African-American models or models of color who model clothing from high end designers or any product for that matter. I have been talking about the power of the buying public and the negative portrayals of African-Americans in media on The Harriet Cammock Show.

I want to create awareness in your mind that you retain power over the existence of any brand. In today's world of social media instant updates, one negative tweet can become viral within a matter of seconds as people have now found new platforms to vent their angst with leading brands.

Due to this power I now ask you to question your buying power. If you find yourself caught up in buying name brands because it immediately identifies you as being rich or successful or projects an image of your status, then you are mis-using your own buying power. You can channel that power into supporting brands that feature ethnic models, or models representative of your community.

If the company whose products you are buying don't support projects in the communities in which you live or come from, and do not support starving children worldwide or do not encourage an end to child sex trafficking, perhaps that's not a brand you should invest in.

If you can answer the question that you buy red bottom shoes simply because you like them or because you saw your favorite celebrity wear it and you think that by wearing it you become like her, then you must know that you are fulfilling what marketers and brand advisors know.

In case you didn't know, celebrities are paid to wear products and often never purchase them, but are given them to wear knowing that their visibility of sporting a brand will incite their legions of fans to purchase that product. Talk about buying power.

You might be surprised to know that most high end brands don't feature diverse models and don't care about the plight of children and women in inner city America. Keep this in mind on your next shopping trip. Take time out to get to know what and whom you are putting your money into. After all you are literally wearing them on your hands, your feet and your body.

Use your buying power to invest in start up entrepreneurs around the country. So many companies and small businesses could do with the investment that is a high limit on your credit card. Use that balance to invest in something that will give a return on your dollar instead of something you wear on your feet and that becomes unfashionable in only a matter of weeks.

Find start up entrepreneurs in your community or give your financial support to organizations who feed the homeless, take care of working mothers, provide social services to children and young adults.

Stop wearing brands as if they are a sign of accomplishment. You should know by now that your favorite designers live an exorbitant lifestyle. Every dollar you spend buying their products is an endorsement of what they believe and investment in their future.

What of the future of those around you? Too often we forget to invest in the communities from which we originate. We think that because we now live on the other side of the tracks our responsibility to those we left behind ceased. We have to remember that as long as people who look like us and sound like us still live in desperate economic conditions, that we haven't truly won .

Because I crossed over, I now need to make space for those left behind to piggy back on my success. It always takes a village not just to raise a child but to collectivley improve the lives of the people who sound like and look like where I am coming from.

It's time to start looking for projects needing investment across town and across the States in which we live. Start by taking that loan from your credit card ( that's what it is; a loan to buy a pair of shoes, are we serious about this? That you continue to pay for a pair of shoes for the the next twenty years?) and use that money to fund projects in your neighborhood, across town, or across the state or across the nation.

Next time you stroll pass a designer store, look at the face of the models. If they don't look like you, then you shouldn't be buying.

Use the power of your purchase for something that you can look forward to years from now. Take the money off your credit card and pay down on a house or if you want to be generous, go into a community and use that same money you would have used to buy a pair of red bottom shoes to pay someone's outstanding mortgage, buy someone groceries for a month, pay someone's car note, and send some child to school or pay someone's semester in college.

I don't know about you but you should cringe at the thought of spending $500 to $6,000 on a pair of shoes. That shows how much we truly understand about the very rich and what wealth means, but that's a story for another day.

In the meantime I'm going to remember what Anne Hathaway said at the Academy Awards for her role in the film Les Miserables. She said as long as there are women who live in conditions as the character she played, it is her hope that one day that misery and poverty will be erased.

Ahh, you say, so that's what this was all about and yes it is. Poverty breeds misery and misery brings frustration and frustration leads to violence.

Now you know. Use your buying power well.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire. In addition to writing and public speaking, Harriet hosts The Harriet Cammock Show on Blog Talk Radio and KEBN Radio. You can follow her daily updates on Twitter and Facebook. For more information on Harriet, visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org.

Why Are Pregnant Women Called Fat

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 18:34:00 +0000

It seems to me that in a number of magazine articles recently, a woman's weight gain is deified and discussed as the only issue about her life.

In recent times I have observed the attention given to Jessica Simpson's pregnancy weight gain and now to Kim Kardashian. Admittedly, Kim has spent a lot of her time gaining media attention, remember she is the woman who is famous for well, nothing in particular and launched a media career based on the submission of a sex tape. In her case it's kind of karma that the same media attention that she sought has come back to bite her.

However, I don't agree with the notion that she should be called fat while pregnant, and here's why. Pregnancy by itself is the process by which a human being enters the world. Whether you like Kim or not, no one should call her fat as there is a baby inside of her who has no chance to defend him or herself. It's mean-spirited as she has very little to do with what her body needs or desires.

In trying to be responsible, she will attempt to satisfy her cravings so as to ensure her unborn child receives the nutrients her body needs to support healthy baby growth. I daresay the people who have criticized her and Jessica Simpson and women like them, have never been pregnant.

If you don't believe me, try walking around with a seven pound human being in your stomach who is always hungry and who always wants something to nibble on. Feed on that for a minute and then get back to me on how it feels to be labeled as fat while pregnant.

We have sunk to alarming levels in the society when we disparage against women who are pregnant,expectant mothers, women carrying babies, women nursing babies and women with toddlers.

There is nothing civilized about calling any woman names. I don't always agree with Kim's choice of profession or her method of entry into the society, but I find it difficult to accept the critcisims and gender hatred directed at her pregnancy.

I was silent when Jessica Simpson was preganant. I will be silent no more. Too many women are despised, and ridiculed, and suffer at the hands of gender hatred, each and every day. Too many women are vilified by media hounds for being too fat, too skinny, emaciated, bloated, looks like a whale at the expense of someone making a fast career move.

Why are women seemingly the only gender picked on by a relentless crowd of men who are either politicians, or CEO's who discriminate and practice gender bias in their organizations and who seem to want to destroy the fabric of our society.

Women and children ensure the continuity of our species (human) and our civilization. If we are to cease being pregnant because we fear being categorized and criticized, who will give birth to human beings?

What if, when your mother was pregnant someone had called her fat? Do you believe you would have liked reading or hearing about it? I don't think so. I am sure you would not have liked any negative references surrounding your birth.

I am almost sure that the people standing in the stands yelling out her name and calling her fat are the same people who were called names when they were vulnerable at some time or other in their lives.

We all know that hurting people hurt people. I suggest you seek healing for your hurts, go to therapy or find some ways in which you can address the unresolved emotional issues of your lifetime. But I appeal to your better sense of judgement, that the next time you see a pregnant woman, please hesitate to call her names.

I have been pregnant. I have given birth to two healthy children one of whom weighed eight pounds and the other weighed 10 pounds. Loosing weight post pregnancy is not the issue here. My children one of whom is now grown and a sophomore in a notable college institution, would not have appreciated reading stories referencing my pregnancy labeling me as fat.

She would have taken issue with that and would be addressing the perpetrators of these stories. In other words you don't know whom Jessica and Kim's children will grow up to be just as the politicians who seek to address gender issues related to women's bodies have no idea the ramifications their discussions and decisions made today, will have on the next Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, Ben Carlson, Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, Anne Hathaway, or Steven Spielberg.

We need to be very careful of our actions and words as we head into the next millenium. The words we say today become tomorrow's history lesson. Take note people, be very clear on the decisions made today as it addresses women's health and other issues related to women.

I lost the weight gained in my pregnancies. My reasons could have been aesthetics, cosmetic or health. Whatever they were, they are mine. It's my body I can choose to do what I want with it.

It's Kim's body, Jessica's body and the countless women who become pregnant each and every year who choose to perpetuate their own family's heritage in the belief that we are continuing our civilization as we know it.

Let women be. This is just another indication of the gender bias towards women that has overtaken our society. It's not hard to imagine a future in which pregnant women will withdraw from public life in an effort not to be labeled negatively. Who are you despising? The woman or her unborn child.

One day that child will grow up. They will read stories of what you said about their Mom. Don't be surprised if they grow up to be a software developer or NASA scientist who finds a way to zap people who pick on unsuspecting women. Be very careful when handing out labels.

By now we know Karma is a she and her name is bi---h.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and Visions. For more information on Harriet follow her on Twitter and Facebook and visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org

Letting Go Of Comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 01:15:00 +0000

I have found myself from time to time wondering what would have happened had I been married to so and so. It was even more poignant when I was married to an abusive ex-husband who delighted in making sure I saw as many bad days as I could.

From time to time I would be driving down the street, wondering what my life would have been like had I chosen to marry Jim instead of Jack. I used to imagine life as if it were a fairy tale or it was enough sometimes to imagine a life filled with peace and in which I did not have to suffer the abuse I was going through.

I used to take it a step further and would see other women and compare myself to them. I would wonder what would they have done had they been given the same choices as I had. I used to wonder would they have they married Jack as I had.

Sometimes I would think in exchange for my life, I would like to have theirs as it seemed they were having it easy. They did not display any visible signs of abuse therefore I thought life was greener on their side of things.

It was sometime before I realized that they, in spite of appearances faced similar challenges, and that just like me they had learned to manage it.

I remembered something my grandmother taught me when I was growing up. Never compare yourself to others. She never fully explained why I shouldn't but as time passed I began to learn that lesson for myself.

Sage advice.

I had to find a way to apply that to the circumstances I found myself in. It seemed easy to do when things are going well but when you find that you are sitting at the mall and watching as other women walk by with their children, strolling as if all was right in their world, you begin to think that maybe just maybe, I would want to be them for just one minute.

I found out later that so many of us wear masks, under which we hide the sufferings we endure in life. This was revelatory for me as I was so steeped in my abuse that I thought I was the only person on the planet experiencing it. (Can you say Isolation)

I couldn't imagine that other women who looked like everything was all right, would be experiencing abuse like me. I had spent many days at shopping malls watching the world go by. I used to wish my life were different. I compared myself to others and told myself that nothing is wrong with being ordinary. Had I just stuck with being ordinary I would have been fine. I berated myself on trying to seek a better life.

For hours I would look at women who appeared to be in the same age group as I was and I would say to myself, look at her, she doesn't seem to have your problems, she seemed just fine living by herself or living the way she did. It was sometime before I realized I was engaging in self destructive behavior that overtime could ruin my self esteem and my perceptions of myself.

Luckily for me, I was built of stronger stuff. I had been built to last and I learned that the tools that came in my tool box, which was given to me at birth, contained coping and survival skills I didn't know I had until when I needed them. I was tearing down the best parts of me, the parts that I now use and that eventually helped me to overcome abuse.

I found that it was not fair to to compare myself to others. Each person's journey is different. We each have a destiny to fulfill. My destiny is not yours neither is yours mine. This is why comparison is not fair as each person has a different walk, and each path is different.

Engaging in comparison is self misleading as you really do not know what the other person is going through and the challenges they face. Some of us are good at making it seem as if everything is all right. We are able to deal with the stresses of life and have excellent coping skills that allow us to overcome life's many obstacles.

It was during that phase of self comparison I began to realize that what I was experiencing, might not be survivable for others. In fact given the choices and situations I encountered, it was possible they might require medication and extensive visits to psychiatrists to cope!

Too many times we compare ourselves to others and rob ourselves of the victory we have based on what we have overcome.

I say to you today, don't give up on yourself. Stay in your lane and use the tools in your toolbox to fight the battles you face. Believe it when I say there is power in your toolbox.

Power to overcome. Power to fight back. Power to face the dragons of life. Power to live. Power to believe. Power to sing. Power to shout.

Shout from the mountain tops. You are you. You are a unique creation. Born to live. Born to win and yes Born this way. Lady Gaga might have sung it in a song, but you knew it before she sung it. Let this truth be self evident that you were born to win.

Emancipate yourselves from comparisons and live your life out loud!

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is an on air personality on Blog Talk Radio and KEBN Radio. For more information on Harriet visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org.

Shame Is A Prison

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 18:47:00 +0000

No one ever thinks of shame as a prison.

Many of us carry scars, some physical, some non-physical. Beneath each and every one of those scars is shame. Remorse. Contempt. Humiliation. And when anyone tries to get us to open up about what caused that scar to be there in the first place, we hide behind excuses we create. Walls that we build up. Walls that cover up how we really feel.

Shame, shame, shame.

As a survivor of abuse, I know first hand that shame can sometimes feel like a second skin. You forget it's even there. When people saw my bruises (whenever they weren't covered up with makeup or long shirts), I came up with every excuse; I ran into the couch. I tripped. I burned myself. While I was silently denying the tyranny I was living under at home, my bruises were screaming from the roof tops.

Excuses turned into shame and shame became my prison. A whole new kind of lockdown. Not the physical one where there are cold metal bars, uniformed jump-suits, angry wardens. My shame was that my beautiful upper-middle class home in the foothills of suburbia was my cell, my bruises were my jump-suits, and that angry warden? My husband.

For many, many years, even after the abuse was over, I allowed the shame of it to prevent me from pursuing my calling. I wrote other books, but the one book about the story of abuse was the story I should have told from the get-go. And it was the story I would not talk about.

Shame imprisoned me from telling a story that has since freed other survivors. Even the act of thinking about telling my story to someone else made my stomach churn, my eyebrows furrow, and my hands twitch. I used to call it the shame badge; everyone could see it. And I felt that society would negatively judge me because of the abuse.

But I failed to see the victory that was on my side. The victory I have every single time I tell my story. The victory someone else has every time they hear my story and they hear how I survived, overcame, and conquered.

And because I survived, I'm free. Free from that prison. Free from that lockdown. Free from that uncertainty. Free from the humiliation. Free from the pain. Free from the strife. Free from the unknown. Free from the shame.

I'm thankful now that abuse has become a hot topic in society. I'm glad that I found the courage to open up and tell the story. I'm happy now as I feel the empowerment that my story has given me and has given countless other people too.

The same story that shames you is the same story that liberates you. Our blessings are almost always hidden in situations that look more like curses than blessings. We allow ourselves to be engulfed in the pain and sorrow that arises from those situations. And even when the situations are over and done, the affliction they leave behind has even more power over us than the actual situation.

I learned that there is no shame in my game. There's no room for it. I beat the odds. I survived. That alone is tantamount. If I did it, anyone else can too. And that means you.

My story may involve a consistent pattern of abuse, but it equally shows a consistent pattern of victory. I conquered that which was designed to conquer me. I've used it as a platform to launch a world-wide empowerment movement that helps countless others who've been subjected to abuse.

I viewed the world through broken eyes because of shame. I was robbed of the beauty of experiencing the joys of life because of shame. Is it any wonder that today, I tell everyone I meet to live your life to the fullest? That kind of advice can only come from someone who's been imprisoned by physical acts and by not-so-physical acts. Shame almost took away my natural talents of speaking, writing, and motivating.

Almost.

I've determined that nothing that happened to me will ever imprison my actions. Now I've done some things I'm not proud of. But by no means should I allow shame to fester from those things. And neither should you. Let go of that shame. Release it. I know I did.

I've watched as the person who thought they held to keys to my very next breath tumble to their knees without me even lifting a finger. So believe me when I tell you that everything that happened to you can (and will) be overcome.

We are only as free as we think we are.

The power to be free is in my mind. And your power to be free is in yours. If I allow myself to be held hostage because of what someone else thinks of me, then I've become a prisoner in my own mind. The product of my own shame.

To have this level of understanding is what it truly means to be free. To no longer be a prisoner of the past, present, or future. Shame, when packaged carefully, can be used as a vehicle of victory.

In my hands, it is victory. And it's a weapon against the forces of destruction. Let it be your weapon too.

Rememebr To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is an on air personality on Blog Talk Radio and KEBN Radio. To hear Harriet speak at your next event visit her web site www.harrietcammock.org.

Betrayed

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 20:13:00 +0000

The very word betrayed conjures up images of Julius Caesar being betrayed by Brutus, as one of the most famous instances of betrayal in history. Then there's the story of Jesus whose confidante, friend and follower betrayed him for thirty pieces of silver. Sad but true.

But the betrayal I'm writing about is when you betray yourself. This happens when you give your power away and accept less than what you are due. "To thine own self be true, is a guiding principle of my life". I use this to remind myself that at the end of the day I have to be true to me and the decisions I have made about the circumstances around me.

What do you do when you know you have let yourself down? How do you reconcile your feelings of betrayal knowing to thine own self you were not true?

I like many people have faced these situations in life. I have accused myself of failing to deliver and feeling as if I betrayed me when I was forced to make life changing decisions.

It took many years for me to be able to stand my ground and recognize that the power within me was the force that would guide me to make decisions that impact my life. Too many years ago I betrayed myself by not living up to the standards I had set for me. I allowed people to determine my outcome because I had given up my power.

I had to come to that place where I said did "You betray You"? And I had to learn to forgive myself.

Years ago I had wanted a position badly. I had studied and prepared and felt that I was on the road to achieving my goal. Something came up. A group of people led by a cadre of men decided to confront me about my beliefs. To those reading this, let me remind you that it was Valentine's Day, 2007.

Prior to the meeting I was told, how different I was to the prevailing culture, how un-religious I was and how non-conformist my views were. I was notified to attend a meeting with the head honcho. For some reason I suspected that I was in for a fight, but I trusted that the head honcho would not allow me to be ripped across the carpet. Was in I for a treat. This was the one situation in which I betrayed myself.

To this day the memories of that day are fresh in my mind. That day almost destroyed my fundamental beliefs about faith, God and my Christian ideals about how people relate to God. I could not believe I had allowed myself to think that just because people say they are Godly does it mean they really know God.

I incorrectly assumed that I was going to be treated kindly due to the fact that I was in a house where people prayed to God, worshipped God and espoused beliefs in the kindness of humanity towards one another.

I was not prepared to be accused and denied based on some one else's say so. Have you ever been accused of something some one said about you? As I sat there I kept hoping this wicked charade would stop, but I had forgotten that whenever you are called into a meeting with people more powerful than you are, especially when you are the lone female called into a room filled with men consumed by their power, nothing good can happen to you.

Needless to say the meeting ended in shambles as I chose to walk out of it. But as controlling men know how to play power games, they will also present the options to you as if you are the one making the final choice. The choices presented always have compromise in mind. You would have to let go of yourself and what you believe is true in order to do what they think you should do.

They had already decided what choices I would make based on their ideas of power. They laid the cards at the table making sure I understood where the power was, who held it and who carried it out, essentially saying it was their way or the highway. Their assessment of me was that I was too 'sensitive' and that I wear my feelings on my sleeve. Nice words, wouldn't you say? This goes to show the extent to which women are ridiculed and demeaned wherever there is a prevailing culture of male dominance.

Looking back, as I walked out of that meeting with tears streaming down my face, I realized I had betrayed me. How could I have felt the need to place my future into the hands of a group of men who displayed all the corruption that power gives?

How could I? In retrospect, it wasn't the meeting that disappointed me. It was me and my expectation that fairness and goodwill would prevail in any altercation between myself and them. It took some time after that for me to see that everyone involved was playing a power trip. And that I had become an unwilling participant in their game of power.

Where are they now, well, that's an entirely different story. Because it doesn't matter what their outcome is, what matters is the sense of betrayal I felt and how I dealt with the conflicts that erupted in my faith.

I began to see the big picture, that it wasn't just me that this had happened to,but that other women had been treated in the same manner by that group of men intent on subjecting women to their undeniable culture of male domination under the guise of religion and faith.

I had to see clearly for myself that the belief system I had attached myself to did everything but display the love of Jesus to women. I walked away that day feeling a deep sense of betrayal that I had been let down. It was some time before I got over it.

Time, they say heals all wounds. That one was deep. There's nothing like betrayal in a religious setting. That's the one place where you let your guard down, where you feel a sense of assurance that people who look in your face and who smile with you, would be the same face that plots to kill, and steal your victory, your integrity and your belief.

Eventually I was healed, the scar diminished and faded. The wound was covered. But the memory never left. I have read the last page in the Book. I win. I know that now. My wounds are healed, judgement belongs to the One who gave life. He is also the Master of Time.

My friends, allow Time to take care of those who betrayed you. Time will tell.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is an on air personality on Blog Talk Radio and KEBN Radio. To have Harriet speak at your next event, visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org

Hurting People Hurt People

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Too many people walk around wounded and bruised as if we are in an episode of The Walking Dead. We all know that life has not always dealt a kind hand in the distribution of hurts that people encounter. For some, it's been a rough road to travel as there have been many hurts along the way.

I believe vengeance should be left to the Avenger. He can do more harm to someone by reaching them in a more meaningful way than I ever can. With this philosophy as my guiding system, I choose then to live my life filled with joy in anticipation of good things happening to me.

I view each day as a gift. A time to celebrate the good in me and those around me. As much as I have experienced, I want to give joy to others. I'm passionate about people living their lives filled with purpose as you fill the void of seeking revenge with purpose filled activities.

On the other hand, I have seen where hurting people hurt others. The reason people become sociopaths is because they had suffered extreme emotional disturbances in childhood and have developed a capacity to inflict hurt on others, while they themselves are not bothered by it.

These people are what I call numb. So many people are walking in numbness. They have allowed life and pain and hurt to numb them so as not experience any joy in living. They limit themselves only to those negative experiences and refuse to let the sun in. Is it any wonder they hurt those around them?

Hurting people do hurt people.

I am an observer of human nature. I find that as I meet people, I'm always looking for what makes them unique. If I encounter negativity or hostility from someone, I find myself looking for clues to the reasons for their behavior.

It could be I'm gathering data to write this blog, or I'm just curious as to what circumstances so impacted their life that has caused the light to be diffused in their eyes and have made them shells of human beings.

Hurting people are shells. Yes, they are. Inside their minds is a complex set of ideas that says everyone around them is going to hurt them, so they hurt first as a defense mechanism to prevent the feelings of helplessness that makes them vulnerable to memories of events that took place in the dark closets and hallways that defined the tragedies of their childhood.

Hurting people are very angry. In my story, it would have been understood had I become abusive to my children. I had been emotionally and physically abused and was left to support them and myself without any assistance, and it could have made me bitter.

But what I did was to determine that my life was greater than the sum total of those troubles and I sought to find a way to make lemonade from the bitter lemons I had been served. I decided I didn't want to become bitter because it would rob me of any appreciation for life and nothing I feared like a lonely life filled with a lack of purpose.

In other words I set out to do the very opposite of what my circumstances dictated; I became better not bitter, I became hopeful not hopeless, I became purpose driven not purposeless. I sought to live my life out loud in defiance of what someone had determined I would do, based on the effects of their cruel actions.

I became sympathetic to hurting people as I chose to see what motivates them and spurs their actions. I encouraged them to seek therapy as a way of remedying the after effects of whatever emotional trauma they had had to live through. In other words, just because they hurt you doesn't mean you should hurt others.

This doesn't mean that I excuse their behavior, especially when it becomes hazardous to someone else. I feel there is no excuse to hurt someone because you have been hurt. I think my experiences have made me sensitive to the feelings of others, so I became more compassionate and understanding.

I am especially vulnerable to hurting women and children. I don't enjoy seeing children being abused, and have been known to shed tears in public whenever I witness that.

People who are mean, and autocratic, and insensitive and women who are bitchy are often harboring and carrying hurts. These unresolved emotional issues become toxic overtime and can lead to long term emotional and physical issues.

Toxic emotions are deadly. They lead to marriage break ups, mass shootings, and people who show up at their former place of employment with a gun intent on wreaking havoc on those whom they perceived to have hurt them.

I'm not saying we should all roll over and play dead so others can walk over us, I'm saying if you have been hurt in your life's path don't take it out on others. Find a therapist or counselor who will sit down and listen to your issues and give you a tissue for that issue.

Cry it out. Rage to the wall and throw stuff into your pillow. Everyone heals and repairs differently. However, choose to do the right thing by going to seek professional help. It will prove to be one of the best decisions you have ever made.

The reason I can write this is because I have suffered at the hands of hurting people. My story is filled with persons who were once hurting and in turn hurt me. I discovered that the man who beat up had watched his own mother being beaten by a father whom he adored and stood by helplessly. Maybe it was the helplessness that triggered feelings of control and power in him.

You would think that having watched his mother being abused would soften his heart to women. Instead, it made him hurt the women whom he engaged in intimate relationships with. It became a pattern that I found out about too late. But I began to observe that there had to be a reason for the rage he felt against me. I saw where that rage in fact had nothing to do with me. He was raging with his inner demons, those unresolved emotional issues I told you about.

What that produced in him was a helplessness that he felt the need to protect so that he would never feel helpless.

This is something hurting people do not like. They do not appreciate life and it's many joys. In fact if you get away from them, long enough, they continue to find ways to perpetuate the hurt as the control mechanisms within them, acts like a wind up toy.

Find your own life's course and live it out. Go do you. Find what makes you happy and leave the hurts in the past. That's where they belong. Stop thinking about what Daddy did or didn't do, or what was missing or what they didn't do. Time out for that.

If you look within you, you find that there is a capacity for healing from emotional hurts. You have to be willing to accept it. You have to be willing to lay down the gauntlet and confront those issues within you that have been broken and need fixing. Facing the issues of the past gives you joy to live in the present.

Once you confront it, it no longer has the power to hurt you. Confront every unresolved emotional issue in your life. Expose it for what it is, shine the light of forgiveness and love and joy and peace on it. As time goes by, it's importance and power to hurt diminishes. Continue to let your light of joy shine.

Your emotions are like a well. When we are born it is full and as life goes by,we encounter difficult situations that require us to dip into our well to pull out what we need to survive. It's that feeling of 'I'm okay'.

As life continues to thrust it 's cannons against you, your journeys into your well spring of healthy emotions become more frequent. Your withdrawal increases and one day you find yourself standing in a mall with a gun in your hand and you realize that your well has run dry. So you point it at yourself because you think, this is what it was all about. My life has no value, and you watch as the scenes of your life flash before your eyes and you validate the negative words someone spoke over you by pulling the trigger in your ear.

Some will take pills, some will slit their wrists but most hurting people inflict their hurts onto others. In fact, the closer you are to them, the more they hurt you. It seems they can't help themselves but to hurt those whom they love the most. Their brokenness cannot identify nor separate the good from the bad. It's a fine line that was crossed a long time ago.

If you are hurting, there's help available. You can access those who are willing to stretch forth a hand and help you back to emotional wellness and wholeness. You don't have to hurt others. Sometimes the person you hurt the most is you.

I see the hurts in your face. I see it in your smiles. I see it in your actions, the way you treat me tells me you have encountered some issues. But look at me.

I used to hurt too. It was someone like you who taught me to know you. I can help. I want to help, just reach out and let me know.

No more hurts. That's it. Enough.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Harriet Cammock is the author of Through The Fire and is the host of The Harriet Cammock Show. For more information on how to have Harriet speak at your next event visit her web site at www.harrietcammock.org.

How To Avoid Miserable People

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 18:40:00 +0000

When I was growing up, my grandmother had a saying she would use to describe certain situations taking place around her. She would say 'Misery loves company. I would ask what does that mean and she explained that people who are miserable make others miserable.

Nowadays I find that saying rings true in almost every situation in life. I have often said surround yourself with people who celebrate you and not those who tolerate you and what I have found is the same can be said of misery.

If you choose to surround yourself with persons who are miserable, then eventually you will become like them. Misery is a state of mind. Misery requires energy to function and guess whose energy it uses; yours.

Miserable people are those who can never be satisfied, they are always quick to find fault, always looking at the negative side of things or only report on the bad things in news stories. They seek to gain your sympathy by citing situations in their lives that are similar to what you or someone you both know in common has dealt with, thereby creating a common 'bond'. They never see the glass half full, it's always half empty.

Miserable people are never statisfied. Even when all their needs are met and they are living in better financial circumstances, they will always look at the neighbor's fence and think wow, their grass is greener than mine. On examining their grass you find it's just as green as theirs, but they are so caught up in painting the direness of their situation, that they fail to see the good and the blessings in theirs.

These people are always calling to report on something bad. Be careful of them, because they become sociopathic in order to feed on you. These individuals quickly learn of your insecurities and become what you need and exploit them and have no capacity to feel bad about the effects their actions have on you. They know that you don't like misery and so they insinuate themselves into your positive energy, creating similar circumstances you might have in common with them.

You find that miserable people are exploitive, they take advantage of your good graces and use up all of your creative energy. When you leave their presence you feel emotionally drained and as the relationship escalates, the drained experience almost becomes physical.

They drain not just your emotional energy, but they drain your creativity as well. They are always in the midst of some drama, they seem to always be the instigator of some confrontation. They are very good at inciting disgareements between people and when the other parties become entangled in the dispute, watch out! The miserable person leaves.

They are always begging and needy. Always looking for sympathy and telling every one how sorry their lives are. They are extremely manipulative as they have learned how to massage your emotions so they can get what they want out of you.

When you meet people like these AVOID them. Delete them from your friendship circles, acquaintances, professional groups and social clubs. Ignore late night phone calls which carries emergencies they seem to generate at their whim and fancy, about some imminent disaster that is about to take place.

Knowing that they thrive on drama, you reduce the drama around you. Create such a positive energy force around you that they have no choice but to say I just can't get to you, you are always so positive.

Leave them alone. Most of the emergencies they tell you about never happen nor are they real emergencies. They are figments of their imagination which they designed to bring attention to themselves.

You perhaps, didn't realize that what they really wanted was attention. Yes, attention from you and everyone around you calling attention to them as many of them grew up feeling deprived of attention or maybe they got too much and now attention has become their drug of choice.

Attention for the miserable personality is a tool used to attract and manipulate others. Make sure when you are around them, you do not allow yourself to be dragged into their aura. They do have an aura.

Sometimes they project helplessness, or they are in damsel in distress mode, depending on the gender of whom they are dealing with, or they find similarities in life situations they have seen on TV or someone whom they admire and duplicate that situation in their own lives.

By now you are saying it takes incredible energy to think and act like this on a constant basis, and the answer is yes. This is why being a being around a miserable person drains you. They use your positive energy to feed theirs so they can continue to manipulate and extract what they need from you.

The best way to deal with them is to avoid them. Ignore their phone calls, text messages, Facebook notifications, Twitter direct messages or whatever form of communication they employ in order to obtain your attention.

To be street wise, I would interject, get rid of them, quick, fast and in a hurry. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Life has enough toil and issues to battle on a daily basis, one really doesn't need any more negativity in their intimate circles.

It takes way too much energy and time and effort to devote to fighting these battles. People who are miserable always play the devil's advocate in discussions. They take the opposing side to you, so everything becomes a battle, even just choosing where to have dinner becomes a fight of wills. My will or theirs.

I say let thy will be done in this relationship. Avoid negative people with everything in you. Choosing to argue or refute anything they say is a loosing proposition. You will never win the argument. You might win a a battle or two but you will never win in a war with a miserable person.

Choose Life. Move on. Stop fighting with them and eliminate them. Learn to discern the miserable people around you. Examine people closely to discern motives. Once identified, move quickly, there's a battle on as the miserable person has already identified you. They are the most helpful persons who volunteer on everything and are always there when you need them, watch out! It's a set up. Get out of there.

Misery loves company, don't join them.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Take Your Power Back!

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 05:50:00 +0000

For most of my life, I considered myself an empowered person evidenced by going in the direction I thought I wanted to be. As I achieved new personal goals, I began to see that there were areas in my life needing improvement or let's say I could have done with a self-empowerment session.

In trying to understand why I had made some decisions I first had to learn to forgive myself as I had to live with the consequences of decisions I had made. I began to examine the reasons those decisions were made and the impulses that guided me to those eventual platforms.

One thing I have realized is that self hatred is self defeating and has no value. It does not improve nor does it make you any better so why engage in it. Too often we hold ourselves hostage to the consequences of decisions made long ago, even after the the effects of those decisions no longer matter, living in an emotional prison of our own making, leaving us battered and mangled, robbing us of the joy of living.

It was after this analysis that I determined I would no linger live my life in the rear view mirror. But that I would take my power back and move forward no matter what decisions I have to face. It seems to me that when faced with extreme difficulties, our choices are few, therefore it bears repeating that none of us should ever beat up on our selves for making decisions that given the limited choices we were faced with, the outcomes were not going be one of our own choosing.

When faced with these situations,the best thing to do is move on. Get over it and get on with it. I may not be happy about the situation, but I cannot hate myself. I have always been optimistic about my life's path and have endeavored to view life as a glass half full instead of half empty. You could say that this is a matter of perception, but that ability to perceive is how you win.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, has to come to a sense of self identity. For some it comes early and for others it's much later. Knowing one's self is the most important discovery you could ever make, because with knowing comes understanding, and with understanding comes acceptance, and acceptance brings self empowerment.

On the road to self discovery you will find that your confidence, comes from knowing who you are and what you are capable of doing. It's that inner sensing that is similar to a heat seeking device that guides you to making decisions. Your confidence can become so great, some people will view it as arrogance. In situations like these, you ignore the criticisms and keep on moving. The road to self understanding is a road less travelled and one in which we should all embark, but very few do.

Due to your assertiveness, you sometimes enter environments in which you face the choice to compromise or loose. You have to be willing to accept that compromise in this setting is a killer to your self empowerment. Compromise means I have given away my power. It means you are removing you from you and giving someone else the key to your happiness. It's like giving a stranger the key to the front door of your home. It's a choice you have to make, when dealing with this, accept the decisions you have made and move forward. Never beat up on yourself.

Too many times, we give too much of ourselves to people. We choose to do so under the guise of going along to get along. We do so to preserve toxic relationships in the belief, that if we give up something that is valuable to us, the person we have given it to will love us or stay with us.

Your sense of who you are is directly tied to your sense of value. When you give that up you are saying that, that part of me doesn't matter and you have allowed someone else power over you. The key here is knowing that who ever you submit to has your power.

I know this as I lived it. I have often been asked how did a strong person like you, allowed yourself to be beaten and abused? It took me a long time to admit to something my subconscious knew; That I had given my power to him as I felt it was the only sure way to have him in my life. He then took my submission or need for him and used it to destroy me emotionally and almost destroyed me physically.

Had I known then, what I know now ... The saying goes. But I'm glad that I came to my own sense of self awareness that I do not allow anyone to come into my intimate circle unless I allow them to. Key word here is, I allow.

I have found that that what you have allowed to happen to you is what you have given your power to. Many times it's not the relationship that is toxic, it is we ourselves who allow others to manipulate and control our need for them in our lives.

We have to develop and strengthen our inner selves to where our sense of power comes from doing what we know is fundamental to our lives, our values and our beliefs. That has to be where your power comes from. If you are willing to compromise because it would make someone happy, but you become unhappy in the process, you have lost, and have given your power to something or someone that will make you unhappy. Ignoring this leads to a build up of toxicity in the relationship until you have to get out of it.

I have heard so many stories of people who say I don't even know myself anymore or who make statements such as I have lost my direction or I have lost my sense of self.

That's the one thing you can never afford to loose; your sense of who you are, as this defines your values and your beliefs. This is the key to self fulfillment. Knowing that what you are willing to live with is paramount in understanding who you are, so you can negotiate in any relationship.

Define who you are based on two principles;
1: Your fundamentals (those you cannot live without
2: Your Variables; those you can live with or without

Once you know these two key principles, you are well on the road to self discovery. You are able to make decisions that best fit your needs and will find that you are happier and more fulfilled. Taking your power back doesn't mean you loose in any relationship.

In fact if you have to give away to gain in that relationship it means it's doomed to failure. You will not be happy as you find yourself giving in and compromising, and going along to get along.

Know your self. Know Your Power. It's Time To Take it back.

Your Power that is.

Remember To: Never Look Back

Interracial Love

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 19:01:00 +0000

Someone posted on my blog talk radio page ( The Harriet Cammock Show) a statement in which he declared he had discovered the supremacy of the black race when he found out his wife had had sex with a black man.

I didn't respond to the comment, as I wasn't sure whether he had been making a declaration or was he just expressing his dissatisfaction, but it spurred me to delve into the issue of interracial love.

What of it is my first reaction? People are people. It is insignificant what color their skin is in relation to how they feel about each other, but life is not that simple.

It's a rare thing to find love nowadays, but more and more you are finding people who are from different ethnic backgrounds, and of different races who are coming together in the name of love. For some,it lasts and for others it doesn't. The reasons vary why their union ends, however it demonstrates that people will like each other despite details such as race, ethnicity, and social statuses.

People get together for different reasons. Some include, rebellion, curiosity, fantasy and a desire to go into unchartered territory, religious and economic.

In cases where people come together because they ignited each other, I have found that love stands the test of time. I think those individuals are incredibly brave to have withstood the forces that were against their union and manage to stay together in spite of the obstacles they faced. That is one definition of true love.

There's nothing wrong with people getting together who are of diverse heritages and origins. I think that was a part of the grand design by the Creator of the universe. It show us show our differences can separate us but when we share our experiences, barriers can be broken down.

I'm all for love in whatever forms it takes. I am not sure that I should judge people who want to be together but who doesn't share a common heritage . By coming together, our mutual affections unites the human race and reduces our separateness. Love is a many splendored thing. It's capacity to survive and tolerate our human idiosyncracies is testament to its value.

The story of SCANDAL, ABC's drama series, surrounds a white president who has an affair with his black chief of staff, who then resigns and becomes a Washington power player. The story of their love explores commitment and family issues in addition to doing what's morally expedient for the greater good.

It however does place the question of interracial love front and center in prime time; right in the most powerful bedroom in the nation, The White House. Whether the show is made from any real life depictions of individuals past or present is immaterial. What is relevant are the issues surrounding interracial love; what will anyone say when they know we've been together.

Poets have waxed poetic about love for centuries. I must admit it can truly be an intense emotion. But before you get carried away by your feelings, make sure you understand, that marrying someone means marrying their family. You can't escape it, because at some point you will have to deal with the family. You can choose to minimize contact but look out, for there's always that pesky and interfering in-law who will never get over that fact that you didn't marry their choice for you.

I have nothing against interracial love. In fact I think it is quite sexy and where true love exists, people will stay together and be there for each other as long as they want to be. Why not show them some love? Instead of pointing out their differences as society will subject them to scrutiny, point out how brave they are in expressing their love and how much you support their actions.

In today's world, we see many examples of interracial love. It's not just happening in military families, but it's happening more and more as people travel and more people emigrate to the United States. Travel and social media are removing barriers that once prevented people from experiencing what being with someone who doesn't look like themselves feel like.

I myself have not taken that trip yet. But if I find that the man I love looks different from me, I will have no issues in being with him. I have always been an admirer of blue eyed men. I like the way their eyes look when they look at me. I am sometimes left wondering what does he look like when he's... yeah I'll stop right there.

By the same token, I see the curiosity and interest in their eyes, when they look at me. I believe anything could prevent us from getting together, but as far as I am concerned, there are no barriers to love.

Love is.... white, black, red, brown, yellow and green eyes, with a little bit of hazel,and eyes that crinkle at the corners, grey eyes that look stormy and black eyes that are oh so mysterious. And don't forget the brown eyed dude who looks like, well, I guess I have said enough.

I feel you should love whom you want when you wnat. You shouldn't have to be confined to loving someone just because that's what you were born to. Love doesn't know barriers. Love doesn't know time. Love doesn't know hate. Love doesn't know differences. Let love be.

All that love knows is love.

Remember To: Never Look Back

What Are We telling Our Children About Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Harriet Cammock) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 18:59:00 +0000

When I was growing up, my mother, like most parents trembled at the thought of discussing sex with me. At the time sex was not discussed at the dinner table and was a subject matter that was considered taboo.

It may sound like I'm describing the Dark Ages, but I'm in fact talking about growing up in the late 1970's. I was ten years old when I became aware that I was a sexual being and was curious about what the older girls in school were whispering about.

I knew that in my home the conversation was not open for discussion, as Mom probably feared any revelation on sex would lead to experimentation which would lead to teen age pregnancy. So sex was off the table and not open for discussion.

The subject had to be dealt with however as I began to have periods and somebody had to explain why I had entered this stage of life. Mom decided to take the road most travelled by parents at that time; the discussion of the birds and the bees. That discussion made no sense to me as I came away with more questions than answers.

Mom upped the ante and decided to introduce me to two books; are you ready for this? One of the books was titled 'On Becoming A Woman' my goodness, I cringe now at the thought of it, and the second was 'Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask'

Lord have mercy on my pre-teen psyche.

I didn't know what to do as neither of these approaches addressed my questions, finally Mom said "If you have sex, you will get pregnant and I will kill you". End of story. That got the job done as I was scared and remain scared until I graduated high school. To this day, the memory of Mom uttering those words bring fear to my heart. Her words remain famous to this day as I have echoed them myself in my discussions with my then teen-aged daughter. In my discussions with her I found myself repeating the words I was told "I brought you here and I can take you out'.

Famous words spoken by a mother intent on ensuring her teenaged daughter did not succummb to peer presusure and did not arrive home with a baby instead of a report card.

In today's world, most parents do not get the chance to teach their children about sex, as the society does it for us. Young children are way too sexualized in our society today. They suffer from too much exposure and too little parental oversight.

The way the system works today is,by the time they are five, they have an idea of what sexual interaction is, so while parents wait for an appropriate age to introduce their children to sexuality, the society has already done that job for them.

To keep your children from knowing about sex, (by then they already know), you would have to unsubscribe to TV networks, stop social media, have little or no internet access at all, no smart phones, better yet make that cell phones, withdraw them from school, or move to the outbacks or something like that. Literally, that is what it would take.

Our society is redolent with sexual images. They come at us from billboards, TV, ads running across the screen on social media platforms, news websites. Sometimes I wonder if there is any screeneing in determining the age appropriateness of these ads?

I would like to retain the right to introduce my children to sex at the age that is appropriate. I believe that conversation should begin sometime around 11 not at five, nor six years old,nor seven nor eight. Even in the most generic TV shows, there is some sort of kissing taking place. Have we gone too far? Have we pushed the limits of forbearance on our children's abilities to absorb sexual images and did we really believe that there would be no repercussions?

Why were we so naive to believe that children who are exposed to sex early will not experiment early. Boom! This means all of us (as we are all in this together) have to examine the programming content of what comes into our homes through our cable lines. (Radical!)

There is an age appropriate relationship with sex. Each household will have to determine what is appropriate to expose their children to. Parents will have to determine when should the conversation start, what will it include and explain society's expectations and tolerances.

It also means, you the parent should set the standard. It makes no sense to explain acceptable behaviors if we ourselves are not carrying them out. I have found children do live what they learn. Try to create an atmosphere in which your children feel comfortable in asking the questions they might be tempted to ask of their peers. Don't be confused as they are not asking for advice on how to navigate sexual relationships.

Use this opportunity to explain why is it important to feel they way you do about them not having or having sex, and make sure to include your own mishaps. When you tell your children why you feel they way you do, it helps them to accept your explanations. They will see your honesty and openness in admitting to your own faults and mistakes and will see your desire for them not to be repeated.

In this day of sexually transmitted diseases, it becomes necessary to initiate the conversation on sex among the teenaged and pre-teen population earlier than we would like to. We cannot sit back and believe that our children don't know about sex. If they have access to the web and social media, in addition to good old fashioned peer pressure, their attitudes and information are already being defined by forces outside of your control. It means we cannot afford to have a hands-off approach to sexual attitudes amongst young people.

We must tell them the good the bad and the ugly along with a good dose of common sense and parental objectivity on making informed choices. Personally, I think no one should have sex before they're eighteen as they need to achieve a level of emotional maturity to understand the ramifications of their choices. I dare say the determining point should be after graduating high school as, by that stage they have a better sense of self.

In some societies children begin having sex early, due to the culture of that society where girls have no choices over their bodies or are given into matrimony at early ages. This argument cannot be used to justify reprehensible acts of sexual violence against children.

Thankfully, this is not allowed to happen in our society, therefore as much as possible we should try to ensure that our children are informed with the right information that each parent in each household would want their children to have.

I have had this conversation with my girls. I had to in order to help them make wise choices. It was difficult and wasn't something I was looking forward to but just as I had to explain good touch and bad touch when they were little, I found that I had the strength to explain this stage of their development.

Tak about a necessary evil, this talk was it.

Remember To: Never Look Back