I talked about our experiences with potential birthmothers - some I would not classify as scams but just considering an adoption plan; some were only looking for money; and at least one that I might consider an emotional scam. But the majority of the birthmothers we came in contact with seemed honest but scared, and just trying to find a way out of their situation. Ultimately, none of them worked out for us (well, except for the one that did), but I would definitely not consider them “scams” but rather think of them as not being the right fit.

Sometimes this hesitation came from the birthmothers, sometimes from us. Going back to what I said earlier about not being desperate - how it really helped us tremendously in keeping a clear head about all this. But the other thing to keep true to is your conviction about what you can and cannot handle. When you’re beginning your adoption journey, most likely one of the first exercises you’ll do is to think about what kind of child you’d prefer (boy, girl, trans-racial, infant, etc.) and what level of birthparent relationship you’d be comfortable with (open, no contact, etc.). In addition, there are medical conditions that may present themselves that will have an effect on your family and your relationship with this child for the rest of your lives. And there may be legal conditions that may make the adoption go smoothly or have the potential to go horribly wrong - from the red-tape of the individual states’ laws (not so bad) to a situation where there may be feuding birthfathers (pretty bad). So these decisions should not be made lightly, nor should you abondon them when a situation arises that goes against those convictions. Believe me, it’s so tempting and easy to do that when you haven’t had contact from a potential birthmother in a while - and downright impossible when you’re holding what could be your child in your arms. We were tempted many times to compromise our decisions, but ultimately we didn’t - and making the decision to not become desperate definitely helped when were presented with these situations.

By these decisions I mean this: We knew that there were certain medical conditions that we, as a couple, were not equipped to effectively handle. We didn’t have any illusions (or desire, to be honest) that we would be presented with a perfect baby. From our research into crack addition, fetal alchohol syndrome and the like, and knowing ourselves - our strengths and weaknesses - there were only a few conditions that would give us pause and carefully consider if the adoption plan presented to us was the right match. Some of these centered around medical conditions (really only one - exposure to alcohol), legal (the likelihood of getting TPRs, Native American, some states laws) but mostly we were concerned with the level of interaction between the birthmother/parents (and in some cases, the birthgrandparents) and us. We most definitely wanted to get to know the birthmother and have her get to know us in order to determine if we’re all a proper match, but we were not comfortable with the birthmother playing a large role in our child’s upbringing. Yes, there are studies and stories that say it is not confusing to the child, and we absolutely recognize the virtues of a completely open relationship if it is in the best interest of the child. But it was not right for us - ideally, we wanted to find a birthmother who wanted to know us, wanted periodic contact every year or so, but did not want to be a part of this child’s life for life. That was our ideal situation - we were presented with many situations that went against these ideals (and we were willing to compromise on some of our minor decisions), but ultimately we stuck to our guns, the right match came along and it worked beautifully in the end.

It’s so easy as adoptive parents to fall into the mindset that we are the ones being looked at under the microscope - by the agency, by the government, by the potential birthmother… And that is true to a certain extent. But we were reminded by a few professionals that it goes the other way too. While a potential birthmother is trying to determine if you are the right match for her, you should be trying to determine if this adoption plan is right for you. Taking this a step further to the revocation period, it’s easy to feel incredibly vulnerable when you’re waiting for that 10 days (or whatever the law is in your state) to pass, hoping the birthmother doesn’t change her mind. But were to asked to look at from the standpoint that this revocation period is also our opportunity to change OUR minds, to determine if this is the right baby/situation for us. It’s incredibly hard to think of it this way - just when your hard-fought dreams may be coming true, why would we consider passing on them? But look at this way - what if your worst case scenario came true, that is, hypothetically, what if the five things you identified as conditions you could not handle in an adoption were all unexpectedly now presented to you? How would you deal with them the next day, the next year, 20 years from now? Again, it is so incredibly hard to think of these things when you’re holding a baby that might be yours in a few weeks, but remember this is a life-long commitment on all sides and it has be right. Talk about pressure! My point here is not to promote being a picky adoptive parent, but rather to carefully consider this potential scenario when you’re first meeting a potential birthmother - this may help avoid heartbreak on both sides later.

So what were some these situations we were presented with that gave us pause? I will state up front: we sympathized with each and every birthmother who contacted us and we always tried to help. We never simply turned any birthmother away who was not the right match for us, but rather we would give her our agency counselor’s contact information then alerted our counselor in case the birthmother called. We felt a duty to offer some assistance even if it was clear we were not right for her.

The easy ones for us were those who asked for money right up front. Sometimes they were potential scams (see previous post) but we felt the majority were honestly without means and needed financial help, sometimes substantial help. Even if we wanted to help, we were not in a financial position to do this - plain and simple.

The next easy ones for us were those who wanted a great deal of contact after the adoption - like attending all birthday parties, holidays, weekly (and sometimes daily) contact. In at least one situation, the birthgrandparents wanted to be a big part of the child’s life - to the point of insisting we use the birthmother’s childhood cradle and other baby items. This was the extreme case, but we felt like they were looking for babysitters and not adoptive parents. Still, we had a level of contact that we were comfortable with and we stuck to that conviction. Sure, we could’ve said anything to the birthmother, agreed to any level of contact, then not follow through after the adoption was finalized, but that would have been just plain wrong. We’ll go through a lot to start a family, but we won’t do ANYTHING, if you understand. Now, I believe some states are moving towards considering pre-adoptive agreements more like contracts that are actionable if one party decided to ignore them. But check with your attorney and your own conscience before considering that route.

The not-so-easy ones revolved around legal issues. Some birthmothers did not know who the birthfather was (legally, there are ways to deal with this, though this also presented some health/history questions); some knew but didn’t want to involve the birthfather (bad, because no matter what, he has rights too). Some were from states whose laws are not exactly adoption-friendly and would have presented additional financial and logistical challenges if we were out of state. Some had Native American blood, and to the extent that the possibilty existed that the tribe could claim the baby (check with your attorney about this one - it’s complicated).

But easily the most difficult is that situation in which it seems like a good personality fit between you and the birthmother/parents and all the legal issues are not, well, issues, but there is still a great unknown about medical or ethnicity questions. Parenthood in general (we’ve found) is a great compromise - and adoption is certainly a lesson in compromise to the extreme. But even if you are absolutely convinced that you will not compromise on the most important issues to you (and I’m saying you shouldn’t, to keep what is in the best interest of the child in the long haul), you never know if those convictions will be challenged until the birth - or maybe not even then, but later. Do you invest time, effort and finances into this situation or do you wait for a more (seemingly) compatible plan? We are of the very strong conviction that you owe it the birthmother to be honest about your intentions - do not lead a birthmother on if you have doubts and are waiting for a better match. Trust goes both ways - not only is that bad karma, it’s just not humane.

The lesson we learned? There are no easy ways through adoption. Yes, it is incredibly rewarding and looking back, we are grateful we took this path - it has opened up our horizons farther than we could have imagined. While it was the hardest thing we’d ever done in our lives, it gave us strength to deal with almost anything thrown at us in life. “Hell, if we can go through adoption, we can handle a company layoff!” No comparison. We looked at adoption as a leap of faith for all involved. We took a leap of faith that our daughter’s birthmother would be honest with us and follow through on her promise to relinquish her baby to us. She took a leap of faith that we were not stringing her along, that we would also follow through on our promise to accept our child. Adoption is a beautiful experience - it’s business transaction - it’s the most wonderful journey and the most difficult at the same time. But at the end of the day, we can reflect on our adoption experience and know that there was a person out there who thought so much of us that she wanted to give us the greatest gift we could ever receive. And that feels kinda good.

There was a period of time for us when it seemed we were getting contacts from two or three birthmothers per month. An embarrassment of riches and dare I say it almost got to be routine as most of them were not good matches for us - we became pretty adept at “qualifying” the contacts quickly. It was during this time that we received contact from a birthmother that seemed to be right - conversation was easy, she asked all the right questions of us and answered all our hard questions with (seemingly) honesty. I seem to remember that initially she even told us she was talking with another couple at the same time, but only to narrow her decision down to the “right” couple for her. And that was OK with us - a match has be right for everyone so careful comparison is expected. At some point, she decided on us and then contact was only with us. Whether there really was another couple or not, we don’t know. In any case, it felt right so we proceeded.

At first, it was surprisingly easy to talk with her. It was an equal mix of emails and phone conversations (she lived several states away from us). She was very open about her situation; she owned her own home (though barely able to keep it); she was in her ’30s and already had a school-aged son. Our beliefs in the world at large (religion, kids, balance) seemed to match perfectly. She wasn’t too sweet or too cold - but just like someone who was in a bad situation and was logically and methodically trying to move through it. She even sent us pictures of her and her son. She told us that she just could not afford to keep this baby and that the circumstances under which she became pregnant meant that she didn’t really want to keep it anyway (you can imagine what that might mean). Bascially, this seemed like the adoptive parents’ wish come true - a seemingly low-risk birthmother with a plan and determination - and she had “chosen” us.

Probably the only red flag was her hesitation to contact our agency (remember that qualifier?). She said she would, but she wanted to get to know us a little more first. Like I said, communication was easy - we got know each other and just had small talk between us for a time. Eventually though, we began to have doubts - only because the conversations never seemed to move beyond that small talk stage and into the real meat of planning for this adoption. She never asked for money or support (at least not outright) nor did she ever hold this baby over our heads or dangle it like a carrot in front of us - or at least we never felt that way. But talks just seemed to have stalled. We told her that in order to move forward with the process, we would like her to contact our agency counselor for an official intake call. (With our agency, it was not a requirement for the birthmother to work with them for counseling, etc., though there were certainly benefits for all involved if they DID work with them, but we also had a contractual obligation with our agency that once we established contact with a birthmother, the agency would be notified. And in this case, they were aware of the situation and were waiting for her call.) Eventually, she did call the agency. There were some slight discrepancies in the story she told our counselor and the story she told us, but that’s not uncommon so there was no need for major concern. Our counselor agreed with us that while this seemed honest and legit, there was just something a little odd about it that you couldn’t put your finger on. She told us to be on our guard. Which we were anyway.

I distinctly remember the night it all fell apart. For about a week, there was this air about our conversations that things were turning serious but at the same time they just weren’t making sense. I don’t want to say to that we felt we were being “reeled in”, because we didn’t really allow ourselves to fall victim to that (again, goes back to our promise not to become desperate), but looking back on it, that’s probably what it was. I remember that our attitude (my wife and I, that is) was that we wanted to get on with it - either take this to the next level or diplomatically back away from this birthmother and move on. Perhaps she sensed that, because that’s when things really got weird. Perhaps she felt like she was going to lose us and she wanted the game to continue (it felt like a game by now). The exact instance I remember that I realized this was not legit - and it hit me that this was probably an emotional scam that we had heard was so rare - was when she asked us if we were willing to also adopt her school-aged son. Never in any of our conversations had she ever hinted of that scenario - and in fact it was always the opposite; that she was adopting her unborn baby so she could better provide for her son. It was so out of the blue, it really felt like one those As Seen on TV commercials (”but wait! there’s more!”) - that may sound odd, but you really had to be there, so to speak. I guess we didn’t fall for it, because of instead of jumping at the chance for a two-for-one, we said we would definitely consider it, but given the surprizing circumstances, it was really now time to formalize our plan. She said OK but we never heard from her again. We’re not even sure there was a baby or even a son.

I mentioned that we were getting contacts from several birthmothers during this time. That really helped, because we felt we had options - or at least that we were doing something right because we were getting contacts and we now felt confident that eventually the right one was going to find us. It helped in that we didn’t allow ourselves to get emotionally attached too much with a situation that had this odd air about it. I can’t say for sure what our emotional state would have been had we NOT had these other contacts. And we had recently come off a tantalizingly close successful adoption (more on that in another entry) which was very painful, so we were understandably approaching any adoption contact with a bit of healthy skepticism. It was also during this time that we received contact from the birthmother who would eventually follow through with her adoption plan with us (though we didn’t know it at the time) - so to say that helped is quite an understatement.

We didn’t feel crushed by this experience, because again it just felt a bit odd. It certainly felt honest enough to want to seriously explore her adoption plan, but it never moved on to that level. Perhaps she was genuinely a lonely sole who needed companionship - or she was a real emotional scammer who, once she realized she was not affecting us like she needed, moved on to another couple. We felt no animosity towards her because once we realized it was not meant to be, we had to move on to the next opportunity. I guess the lesson here is that there will always be a defining moment in the process - the analogy of “doing something” or get off the pot comes to mind! But if it never comes to that point, then perhaps it is time to move on.

Coupled with this notion of being conservative financially, we had an honest discussion with ourselves that we were not going be desperate about starting our family. On many levels, that attitude helped us - it was very difficult, no doubt about that. But it was necessary for us. Desperation clouds judgement and allows false hope to creep in when logic says there is no hope. That included whether to continue fertility treatments, to continue contact with a birthmother when red flags abounded or what to do when a low risk adoption presented itself, but with conditions that we decided we could not handle (like too much contact and openness; legal hurdles such as the Native American Act; or health issues that we were not able to handle). This emotional shield - or blinders as we sometimes referred to them - really helped in “pre-qualifying” birthmothers who called us. It took us a while, but we became adept at diplomatically asking the hard questions right out of the gate: is the birthfather involved; do you have medical care; what about drugs; etc. And the honest, legitimate birthmothers surprisingly had no problem with us asking them or answering them. Birthmothers who contacted us had already seen our web site, so there really wasn’t anything about us that we hadn’t already put out there. But the questions they did ask were telling - and eventually we were able to identify, pretty quickly, those who could be potential financial scams.

One of the things our agency told us that could be a red flag is the birthmother’s unwillingness to work with our agency (intake, counseling, etc.). The agency recognized that a lot of birthmothers have this notion that she has to give her baby to the agency, then the baby goes to us - they’d rather give the baby directly to the adoptive parents. So, they may be hesitant, but birthmothers with a real adoption plan will most likely at least talk to the agency. If they refuse right away, that might be a red flag as an indication that something is not honest or they’re hiding something. Our agency’s goal was not necessarily to control all aspects of our adoption process (we wouldn’t let that happen anyway), but rather to help us qualify the situation that presented itself.

Also, on the advice of our lawyer and common sense, we made the decision that if we were going to help a birthmother financially (and there were some instances where we did in our successful adoption - more on that later), we were going to go through proper channels - we would set up a fund with our lawyer and she would administer it at our direction. Not that that was a guarantee protecting us from being scammed, but it was a legitimate and traceable fund source that would most likely hold up in court if a reclaim occurred. So we actually first told several birthmothers that we were not in a position to help out financially (that weeded some out right away), but that there might be options.

So what were the red flags that we found?

First, like I just mentioned above, if they’re not willing to contact our agency (the agency is not legally allowed to contact any birthmother - the birthmother has to contact the agency - again, the “duress” issue), that should tell us something. They may be hesitant because they don’t want an intermediary when contacting us, and that’s OK - it doesn’t have to be that way. Contact is what you make it. But if they are unwilling to at least have an initial conversation with our agency counselor, then they may be hiding something. This actually happened to us on a few occassions - birthmother would call us, after a brief conversation when it seemed we all wanted to continue, we’d ask if she’d contact our agency to make this formal, and then nothing after that. In one instance, we were actually hung up on at that question. Wasn’t meant to be.

Second, if the topic of finances comes up early in the conversation, especially if they bring it up first. There were several times this happened to us. In a few instances, the birthmother would immediately start talking about her financial or living situation (calling from a payphone, about to be evicted, car just broke down and can’t get to work…) - all may well be legitimate and real concerns - but they really didn’t want to talk about the baby, how she became pregnant or her discuss her adoption plan. Again, the agency question really helped in qualifying these contacts - and we did not hear from most of them again after that first phone call.

One couple was so brazen - we had an instinctual feeling that they were exactly the kind of scammers you see on Dateline, etc. Turns out they were. The birthmother called late one night (our agency said that was another red flag - calling very late to catch us off-guard, but we didn’t keep track of times) and seemed honest and forward enough. She asked us about our marriage, our religious beliefs and stability. We even heard a baby crying in the background - the one she said they were going to relinquish to a family they’d be choosing. Then she asks if I would talk to her husband, the birthfather. He seemed OK, but within one minute he started talking finances - and even went so far as to say we were more appealing to them because he understood our state’s laws to be more leanient when it came to the amount of expenses allowed, including the birthfathers! We always took copious notes during calls, and I remember starting to write dollar signs in big bold strokes. When I informed him that was not the case, nor are we able to give money directly to birthparents, his mood changed dramatically in an instant. They also were not willing to talk to our agency at all.

Turns out, our gut feeling was correct. We were able to get their names and address and it turns out they were indeed “known” to our agency - they had tried to scam a few clients 9 months earlier. Also - and this talks to the benefit of being a part of a legit online adoptive parent community - we found out through one of our secure chat rooms that they were talking with an adoptive single mother at the same time in another city. She had actually asked the group if anyone had had contact with this couple, because she had given them money, met with them, etc. and started to feel like she was being taken. We wrote to her to describe our contact and she called us almost immediately - this couple was indeed scamming her at the exact same time they were trying to scam us. I’m not letting my emotions guide my descriptions here - this was a bona fide, verifiable scam. We felt so bad for the adoptive single mother, but our defense mechanisms allowed us to move on quickly. Not so the birthfather - he called back a few times to try to keep it going, but when he realized we weren’t interested (we diplomatically backed away, saying the situation was not right for us), he actually started down a path of extortion of sorts! This guy was not a rocket scientist. We were willing to let go of the situation and get it out of our minds, but we all were so incensed at their actions that we contacted the authorities but we never knew what happened, if anything.

That was the worst one, but again our resolve prevented us from being sucked in. It’s the less obvious ones that are hard. And if an adoptive family feels desperate to start their family, the reality is clouded even more. We feel so bad when we see desperate couples and individuals, because we feel there are rough times ahead of them. And we know that if you stay the course, don’t compromise yourself, don’t take your eye off the end goal and brush aside those times that challenge your resolve, it WILL happen - we’re proof. For us, the financial scammers were pretty easy to spot. It’s the “emotional scammer” that’s really difficult… more on that in the next entry.

Until about 6 months after we finally adopted our daughter about a year later. Out of the blue we get an email asking how we’re doing and if we ever found our baby. Turns out, she kept her baby, she married and had another and was very happy. She thanked us for listening to her and helping her through her ordeal. Everything she had told us during our contact was true - she even sent pictures. I have to say that that made us feel very, very good - that the right thing was done in the end. She helped us too - being our first contact, we learned how to talk to a birthmother, how to move through the process of contact and questions, and how to accept a lack of contact after so much contact. And that sometimes a genuine birthmother keeping her baby is the correct decision.

The point of this is that not all birthmothers will follow an adoption plan and that is OK - there are those who are scared, do not know what to do, are alone in their decision making and need someone to help them through the through process. We were able to do that for her. To say she was kicking tires is a snarky statement, but it’s true. Any life altering decision needs to be carefully considered, with research and hypotheticals and ponderings. Having known her didn’t bring us a baby, but it did bring us a sense of peace.

As more birthmothers and birthparents contacted us, we had to remind ourselves of this, because it became rarer and rarer that a truly sincere birthmother contacted us.

I think programs like this are detrimental in one respect because they toss out difficult subject matter - verbal hand-grenades as I like to call them - and don’t follow up with the overall facts and stats about the likelihood of this happening, how often it happens, or most important in my mind, how to avoid it happening to you. To the population who are not adoptive parents, it’s easy to become judgmental about the perceived desperation of adoptive parents and the process. But as I watched it as an adoptive parent, it reminded me of our own adoption journey and the many birthmothers and birthparents we met along the way - some scared, some good, some bad and some really bad.

Our adoption journey really began around 1999, just when the internet was emerging as a viable resource for parents and birthmothers - though some agencies were slow to catch on. We had signed up with a national agency who was comfortable doing things the way it had always been done but was getting into using the internet as a means for expanding the reach of our Dear Birthmother letters (which were web sites). Since that’s what we do for a living (visual design), we had our own ideas about what to say and how to design our own web site. We were met with some resistance from our agency (perhaps they wanted more control?), but we did it our way anyway. In the roughly 14 months our site was active, we had contact from about 20 different birthmothers from all walks of life, experience and motivations - an amount we were told by our agency was unheard of at a time when most of our peers were getting perhaps one or two contacts a year. (Guess we were doing something right!) So I’d consider us experienced when it comes to dealing with initial contact from birthmothers.

My only real complaint about the TV program was that they did not do an adequate job of presenting what adoptive parents should do or watch out for (red flags) beyond one single line of copy (”use an agency and an adoption lawyer”) right before the credits. This blog thread will attempt to do that by presenting our experiences - the good, the bad and the unfortunate (meaning “bad” but not malicious - sometimes things just don’t work out) - and what we did to deal with them, recognize them and avoid them. For the sake of clarity, I’ll categorize the type of contacts we had - the types of scammers, if you will, and even some that were definitely not scammers but who did not really have an adoption plan. I’ll reiterate that adoption DID work for us, and while it was a rocky road, it was rewarding far beyond what we had imagined.

More to come…

It’s All in Your Mind
Resign yourself to the fact that you’ll have to go through security and it may be a hassle. There’s nothing you can do about it so put away your impatience. I haven’t kept an official log of this, but it seems I get stopped less and pass more quickly if I appear tired or disinterested. Hmmm…

Print It
Easily the best thing the airlines have allowed you to do even before you leave the house is print your boarding pass at home. If you do nothing else, do this. Especially if you are not checking any baggage. It’s one huge thing off your mind and the only way to get the coveted A ticket on Southwest. If you have connecting flights, make sure you also get the next boarding pass. And most hotels will help you out with this too the day before you check out. I’ve even asked the customer service people at Disneyworld’s Magic Kingdom to print my boarding passes for my family during a recent trip. Never hurts to ask.

You Are What You Wear
Planning a smooth trip through security starts at home with the proper attire. You know that metal will set off the detectors. You know that you’ll have to take off your shoes. You know that you’ll have to remove your jacket. So plan ahead. I wear laceless shoes or sneakers that easily slip off and back on in seconds without untying and tying. I always, always wear socks (which also eliminates sandals) - you think I’m putting my bare feet on those airport floors? Think about it. I hardly wear any jewelry - only my wedding band and a leather belt with a small metal buckle. Neither have set off the detectors. The rare times when I’ve had to remove my belt, I’ve made sure my pants fit properly. You may not think about it, but how many America’s Funniest Home Videos have you seen where someone’s pants suddenly took a vacation south? It could happen.

The Baggage We Bring with Us
I have a videographer’s briefcase that’s essentially a top-loading bag - access is through the zippers at the top. One compartment is reserved for my laptop only - and my laptop is in another protective sleeve, which also zips across the top. I line up the zippers so that in about 3 seconds, I unzip the top of my briefcase, which reveals the zipper for the sleeve, and the laptop is out and in the bin. Same going back in - about 4 seconds is all I need to get it back in. You know that any liquids must now be in a clear plastic bag. You can use the ones they give you in line, but then you have fish around for all the stuff that has to go in it. I use my own Ziplocs and put everything questionable in there at home and I’ve never been stopped. This Ziploc goes into an outer pocket of my briefcase so I can easily pull it out and into a bin. And keep in mind that liquids need to be about 4 ounces or less - that’s not a lot, so I get travel sizes of any toiletries I’ll need - or buy them when I get there.

At the Airport
As soon as I arrive at the airport and check my bags or find my flight on the board, I put my watch, loose change and cell phone into an outer pocket of my briefcase or knapsack - long before I get in the security line. You’ll have to take them out anyway - might as well do it now before you get flustered at the metal table by the xray machine.

Keep your boarding pass in your pocket along with your driver’s license or picture ID. If your ID is in a holder, take it out now - you’ll have to later anyway. My wife and daughter use one of those boarding pass holders that hangs around your neck - but you still have to take that off and put it in a bin, so I don’t use them.

Get in Line
Realize that the line will immediately slow down as soon as you get in it - Murphy’s Law. Just accept it. As you get close to the first TSA checker, have your boarding pass and ID in hand. You won’t have to worry about those liquids because you would have put them in a Ziploc at home. Don’t make smart-ass comments to the TSA person - I’ve rarely run into one with a sense of humor. They’ll mark your boarding pass and tell you that you can put your ID away. I just put them both back into pocket - I’ve seen too many people put their ID, along with their boarding pass, back into their purse or briefcase. You’ll need your boarding pass again in a few steps for the TSA agent at the metal detector - but if it’s in your bag, and your bag is in the xray… Well, it’s like those VISA commercials when the world stops while some (fiscally responsible) sole uses cash instead of their debit card - the music stops, everyone’s eyes are on you and somewhere off in the distance a lonely dog barks. Keep ‘em in your pants, so to speak.

Once you’re past the first check point, pick any line. The shortest isn’t necessarily the fastest. I check out the people and what they’re carrying and how confused they look. High marks in those categories and I’m onto the next line. Look for people who know what they’re doing.

At the Metal Table
Here’s my routine: 1) immediately go to the stack of bins, grab a few and stake out my territory on the metal table; 2) I line up the first bin and in goes my coat and shoes; 2) out comes my laptop (I don’t close the zippers) and into a bin of its own, which is next in line; 3) if I have a video camera with me, that comes out and goes into a third bin by itself; 4) lastly goes my briefcase and camera case (if I have one). I shove my shoe bin onto the conveyer belt and into the machine. Next goes my laptop and camera and so on. Important point: I wait until my last bag is in the machine before moving up to the metal detector - even if the TSA agent asks me to step forward. Laptops are expensive things - even priceless depending on what you have on it - so I’m not trusting anyone to grab it and make a mad dash with it (unlikely) or corral it into their own bin (more likely).

At the Metal Archway
Pull out your boarding pass and keep an eye on your belongings. There have been a few times when I’ve been pulled aside for the extra search and I’ve politely asked if I can keep an eye on my belongings. Usually not a problem. But assuming I don’t get pulled aside, here’s where my bin order now comes in handy. First out are my shoes - 3 seconds and they’re back on. While I’m getting my coat, out comes my laptop with my briefcase right after it. A quick drop through the zippered top and it’s back in place in 4 seconds. Same routine if I have a camera. If I don’t, my knapsack is next and a quick grab over the shoulder and I’m outta there in 10 seconds.

At the gate I get my cell phone, watch and put my ID back into my wallet. Then stop by Aunt Annie’s Pretzels because I have so much time on my hands…

Bonus Tip
You know those luggage carts that are soooo useful but cost too much to go the short distance? When I’m dropped off at the airport, I use curbside check-in so it’s a non-issue. But when I drive myself, I don’t look for the parking spot closest to the entrance. I cruise around looking for a newly discarded luggage cart - no one returns them to the rack, they just leave them where they’ve parked. Nine times out of ten, I find a free cart. Bonus points if I can scarf a cart, throw it in my trunk AND find a spot next to the entrance. It’s going to be a good flight.

Fast forward to 2008… I was contacted by the AIAA (American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics) to help them tape interviews during their annual convention in Reno. Their program, “When Did You Know,” asked the question of rocket scientists, what was your lightbulb moment - when you knew you wanted to do this for a career? Over the course of two days, we shot 6 hours of interviews (over green screen), ranging from Undersecretaries of the Air Force, Shuttle technicians, grad students and old guard flight directors. I was in awe of these men and women - some of them were the behind-the-scenes “heroes” who got the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo flights off the ground. But as I sat there interviewing them, I realized that most everyone had that lightbulb moment sometime between the ages of 5 and 10. What was fascinating was that they all remembered in vivid detail where they were, who they were with and what they were doing - whether it was the launch of Sputnik, first taking the controls of a 2-seater plane, or a chance encounter with the sound of the afterburners of an experimental jet… And yes, even one high level engineer credited Tony Nelson (I Dream of Jeannie) with providing his inspiration! I have to say that some of my most interesting projects involve just sitting down and having a conversation - and I’m almost always surprised that the subjects (victims?) with my least expectations are usually the most compelling.

So it begs the question: What was my own lightbulb moment, getting into this profession? I could point to the day I got my first “rock” album (John Lennon’s Imagine), on 8-track, and wrote and directed an entire music video for the record in my head… or the day I walked into the Dean of Engineering’s office at Maryland, after having flunking advanced calculus for the third time, and changing my major to Radio, TV and Film (and getting straight A’s thereafter in my major classes) on the recommendation Bernie Gutwald, who supposedly went to jail shortly thereafter… or walking into a computer room at my first job and seeing a lonely, early computer graphics system sitting in the corner and thinking to myself, “I should learn how to use that” and proceeded to teach myself the inner workings of the DEC PDP-11. So perhaps it’s not just one moment, but a series of accidents that has pointed me in this direction.

Or maybe just laziness.

While we like to hope there are quick fixes to everything, the benefits of relaxation techniques are best realized when they are made part of your daily routine. However, during the course of producing our DVDs, and some personal experience, I’ve learned some quick and easy exercises you can use to help cope with immediate stressors.

Do a “Mini” - Breathe Deep
Has nothing to do with those cute little cars made by Cooper, or a character in the Austin Powers movies… well, maybe it can, but more on that below. A Mini is a short deep breathing exercise that will yield immediate results - less anxiety, peaceful feelings, lower heartrate… You’ve heard people say “take a deep breath?” This is it - ten big in-breaths. Use it before an important meeting, speaking in public, in that traffic jam. (For an actual demonstration, see our Stress & Relaxation Explained DVD.)

Relax those Muscles
If no one is around to give you a quick neck rub, you can do progressive muscle relaxation on your own. Close your eyes and try to imagine your body - your head, neck, shoulders, arms, and on down. Imagine those muscles are tight and constricting. Starting at the top of your head, consciously relax each muscle as you move down your body - visualize the stress being released and washing out of your body. Tighten and release your muscles - roll your shoulders - stretch your arms and legs.

The Sweet Spot - Visualization
We may joke of “going to our good place,” but it works. Think of a relaxing time or place you’ve experienced - or want to experience. Think of the sounds, the smells and the feelings you may experience. Probably not best done in traffic! But you may find a quiet time at the office or home.

Laugh is the Best Medicine
Maybe here’s where Austin Powers comes in… Studies have shown there is a positive link between laughter and feeling better - or in our case, reducing stress. Instead of renting the dark drama, try something light. Although I don’t advocate spreading unsoliticed emails - you know, those jokes that have been forwarded a million times before someone thinks it’s perfect for you - there are some legitimate web sites and desk calendars that provide a joke-of-the-day that you can subscribe to that will give you laugh at the start of your day. I actually visit YouTube occasionally to find the complete and utter nonsensical video - I just don’t forward it to anybody!

Turn off the News
I kept an informal log of my emotions while watching the nightly news - and I realized I was pretty much depressed every night. Between conflicts around the world, the doomed economy, and the advertisements touting remedies for ailments I didn’t even know I had, it became too much. I also don’t read the World News section in the daily paper much anymore. Of course, I’m not advocating becoming a hermit - you need to stay in touch at least some times, and becoming totally disconnected from reality will bring with it more problems you’ll have to deal with. But I found that if I’m in a good mood - if I had a great day at work - nothing brings me down quicker than the nightly news. Now, I figure if something of major significance happens, I’ll hear about it one way or another anyway.

Indulge in your Hobby
Sounds simple, but I believe we all need some sort of diversion for our bodies and brains to recuperate. Reading, painting, photography, scrapbooking - anything you have a passion for can help recharge your batteries. And it doesn’t really have to be something quiet - my passion is hot rodding. Getting behind the wheel of our 1949 Chevy, with 355 horses roaring, the smell of the hot oil and grease… Ah, Xanadu. And here’s where I can shoehorn in the Mini Cooper reference - if that’s your passion…

Get Out and Do Something
We can probably say with almost 100% certainty that everytime we had a social obligation that we didn’t feel like attending (not because of the occassion, but because we felt drained or down), they ended up being the best times we had. We met new people, we tried new things, we got out of the house and our box. People used to “go for a drive” (well, I still do) - now we go for a walk, visit a local point of interest you’ve always wanted to see… Point being, turn off the stimulus, take the long way home, shift into a lower gear.

These may seem trivial, but you’d be surprized at the big payoffs.

I have a teaching background, having been a graduate assistant and later an adjunct professor at Syracuse University. Also, one of my hobbies is restoring and hot rodding old cars. So my mindset is this: In order to fix a problem, you must first recognize the symptoms of that problem, identify the causes of the problem, and have access to the tools that will help you fix (or respond to) that problem. If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day - but if you teach him to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. Simple…universal…and not altogether original. Same goes for stress reduction - in order for these relaxation tools to be more effective, you must understand where stress comes from, how it’s hardwired into our biology, what external forces makes us stressful, how it affects our health and what came we do about it. Only then do these relaxation programs become not an end-all, but another tool in our box of techniques to help us change our lives.

I actually began production on this title first while developing the initial site map that would become Infertility Explained. However, when Alice Domar came on board for IE, we determined that it would be the more marketable DVD and we wanted to take full advantage of Ali’s contacts and the doors she opened for this DVD. So S&RE was tabled until IE was finished. But I kept Ali in mind this title, since she is one of the foremost experts in mind/body medicine and relaxation after all!

Once IE was released and it was met with critical and commercial success, I approached Ali about helping me finish the stress DVD. While there are many relaxation CDs and DVDs on the market (including ours), there were only one or two programs that dealt with the underlying causes - and none that explored these topics to the extent I wanted to. She was interested, and seeing how IE was received by the participants and the public, she agreed to help develop the stress DVD - adding to the content I had mapped out.

I had always thought this DVD would be effective as a three-part program. Part 1 would explain how stress is evolved in our bodies (the fight-or-flight response); its physical, emotional and health effects; and an overview of the common techniques one can use to effectively respond to stress. I believe that an effective video program is one that provides a connection for the viewer - if the viewer can identify with the content, then the video is more effective in communicating its goal. This is true for all the programs I produce for my corporate, medical and broadcast clients under iMed Design - and this is especially true for this program.

So in Part 2, I wanted to show to viewer that these stressors are universal and that the average person is experiencing these on a daily basis, just like the viewer might be. We hired a “patient” to prove this point. We wanted a real person to go through real relaxation techniques, then tell us how they felt. Ideally, we wanted to find someone who had never used relaxation techniques before. We conducted interviews and found our perfect candidate in Julie. She is a single mother, owns her own business and has experienced all the normal problems with relationships, work, life, etc. that most of us experience. Most importantly, she was willing to be honest about them. The icing on the cake for us was that she had been experiencing stress and depression and had seen her physician about it. Her doctor wanted to prescribe medications, but Julie did not want to immediate resort to drugs to help her, but rather find altenative methods to deal with her reactions. She had never practiced relaxation techniques before, but knew she needed to be in a more peaceful state. In her words, she knew what she wanted but didn’t know how to get there. We conducted her two-camera shoot one evening (during a blizzard, I might add) to make sure what we did was real time, not edited. Nothing was rehearsed or scripted. We first interviewed her about her background, her childhood, her present situation, and explored what is was about her current life that makes her stressed out. Again, all universal stuff. Then we guided her through a relaxation experience to show her (and the viewer) how to use the relaxation tools we talk about in Part 1. Finally, we wanted to see her reaction - if she was truly in a relaxed state - and she was. This was the perfect illustration of helping the viewer identify with our content and showing the viewer that it works.

In Part 3, I wanted to give the viewer a sample relaxation experience that they could then do on their own, using the newfound tools and background information they learned in Parts 1 and 2 to help them help themselves. It also serves as a sample of what you can expect on our Guided Relaxation experiential DVDs.

Not only have we finally finished what was supposed to be our first title, but we’ve are very pleased to discover that our original idea was right on the money. Stress & Relaxation Explained was recognized this year with a national Telly Award for excellence in health and wellness programming. It has received a lot of press attention (with more to come). And we have been approached by and included in the catelogs of colleges, educational distributors in the US, Canad and Europe, and several on-line distribution companies. S&RE has been a rewarding experience for us on many levels and serves as a foundation for the rest of our Relaxation Series.

Alice Domar was instrumental in opening up doors to get nationally recognized experts to appear on Infertility Explained. We had a list of topics, she attached potential participants to those topics and made the initial contact. I took it from there. The name she thought of for this adoption aspect was Patricia Johnston, noted adoption author, publisher and multiple adoptive parent herself. She recognized the value of what we were doing, but also thought that a similar empowerment tool (the DVD) could be done for adoption. While trying to figure out the logistics of meeting her somewhere in the country for her interview, she suggested I attend the NACAC conference in Minneapolis where there might be opportunities to interview other adoption experts who were all assembled in one place.

I developed a list of topics that I would like to get in the can. These topics were based on what we, as adoptive parents ourselves, had experienced during our own journey - how to decide that adoption is right for you; how to decide which path to go; legal and contractual issues; special needs and medical issues; and others. The questions I developed led to more questions, and with her guidance and suggestions, I quickly had a lengthy “to-do” list. Pat was instrumental in contacting participants for this production and introduced me to many experts.

I rented a hotel suite and over an intensive 2-day period, I (along with Pat’s help) interviewed these participants, resulting in about 8 hours worth of raw footage. Initially, these interviews were supposed to be incorporated into Infertility Explained as an adoption topic, but I quickly realized that there was far too much compelling information to effectively edit down to sound bites. I decided that Adoption Explained would be Healthvues’ second title.

But it became clear that a single DVD would be limiting, so I made the decision to split the content into two DVDs: International and Domestic. Beyond the basic differences between the two bureaucratic processes, many of the topics that we have categorized into one type of adoption are actually very applicable to the other. For example, the role of the Medical Review (international), its indicators and results are also applicable to the photos and videos one might receive from a domestic agency. The issues that might affect a child in an orphanage in an Eastern Bloc country are the same issues that some neglected kids face here in the States. As more countries adopt levels of disclosure and openness in their foreign adoption processes, domestic open adoption issues become borderless. Legal contracts… transracial considerations… medical and cultural background differences… all are almost transposable to either type of adoption.

Currently, we offer the DVDs separately, but to those first considering adoption, they are both valuable.