Healthy Boundaries

Relationship Boundaries: How to Bring Your Best Self Home (Read Time: 4 min.)

2012-10-06T17:57:00.001-07:00

I once had a friend say to me, "I give my family the best... and everyone else the rest." It made me pause because I really had to consider whether that was something I TRULY did. Did I give my best level of patience, compassion, interest, presence, love, energy, and enthusiasm to my family? And the answer was sad but true: No...

So I wonder... How many of us put on our game face for work, give our all to clients, go out of our way for perfect strangers but barely lift an emotional muscle at home? How many of us are the same in front of the camera that we are behind closed doors? How often do we neglect, delay, or deny the ones who love us most out of a false sense of security that they will stick with us no matter what?

The truth is the truth... whether we like it or not and one of the ways to healthy boundaries at home comes in having healthy boundaries in your family relationships.

At home, you aren't expected to be "on" but you're also not expected to be "off." There's a delicate balance between letting your guard down and being emotionally unavailable. At some point, if you want a family filled with joy, you've got to show up and do the work CONSISTENTLY (i.e. DAILY)... and that's no tall order when you might be faking it in other parts of your life and just want to get home and let it all out.

We need to bring our best selves home.

But how do we do that when we're tired,

worried, unhappy or stressed?

You do that by creating and keeping

healthy relationship boundaries.

Here are 3 healthy relationship boundaries you need to set up in order to be ON at home:

Relationship Boundary #1: I don't poop where I live. In other words, I don't treat the people in my home as if they were emotional garbage cans where I can unload my crap. If I'm upset, I find some productive way to get the stress out but I do not crap on the people I claim to love.

Relationship Boundary #2: I treat each of my family members like million dollar clients... whether they deserve it or not. Yes, it's a hard one. You might have that ungrateful, bratty sixteen year old or that self-absorbed borderline narcissistic spouse but you did agree to the relationship so let's stay on the positive side of the spectrum by agreeing that while you cannot control how the other person shows up, you are ALWAYS responsible for how you come to the table.

3) I let insignificant stuff go five seconds before a complaint comes out of my mouth. Yes, he might not have washed the clothes last night. Yes, she might not have gotten the right takeout for dinner. But, at the end of the day, is a five cent irritation worth a thousand dollar headache... and months of resentment? I think not. So think before you speak and if it's insignificant, LET IT GO...

At the end of the day, your family's experience of you will be molded by how you choose to show up. Use relationship boundaries to create the kind of family that your children (even as adults) will long to come back to.

What's Your 'Say No' Style? (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-08-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

When it's time to say 'No', everybody has a style. It's usually the approach we've used the most, the response we feel most comfortable saying (even if we don't feel most confident saying it) and it represents a gaping hole in creating and keeping healthy boundaries.

How you say 'No' will determine the way in which the person hearing the 'No' responds to you.

If you've ever wondered why your friend is able to say 'No' and gets no backtalk or slack after it but whenever you say 'No', there's a discussion, a debate, and an argument for hours afterwards, keep reading...

Below are 4 unhealthy 'Say No' styles that I find people using ALOT:

1. Straight Shooters: These folks love to say things like "I give it to them straight" or "I call a spade or a spade" or "I tell it like it is" when what they're really doing is using brutal honesty to deliver a point that could've been better made with clear, concise compassionate communication.

2. Bushwackers: These are the people who beat around the bush and give responses like "We'll see", "Maybe", "Let me think about it" or "Can I get back to you on that?" When they give these responses, they give no deadline to their follow up or follow through nor do they tell you what they're considering. Their goal is simple: escape FAST and find a way to say 'No' behind the scenes or say 'Yes' at the last minute out of guilt. Either way, bushwackers avoid the obvious by delaying the truth.

3. Headhunters for Yes: These are the people who know how to say 'No' but don't want to say it unless they're armed with at least ten other ways you can get to your yes... without their involvement. They postpone the conversation until they've done enough research, come up with enough alternatives, or have gotten enough volunteers to meet your needs. It gets them off the hook without anybody feeling rejected.

4. Technological Backtrackers: These are the folks who don't have the guts to tell you 'No' to your face but will text it, fax it, email it or Twitter/Facebook it without even a second thought. They cop out on delivery and expect compliance. It's a lame way to say no and an even more horrific way to end relationships... and Techology Backtrackers do both.

Can you relate to any of the above-mentioned 'Say No' styles? I definitely can...

When it comes to saying 'No' appropriately, here are some ground rules to consider:

1) Know what you're saying 'No' to, why're you're saying 'No' and how you plan to say 'No'
2) Keep the conversation concise but compassionate.
3) Speak to the person ABOUT the issue; do not make the issue about the person.
4) Say what you have to say and end the conversation. When your 'No' is a 'No', it does not require feedback. It simply needs to be said and understood.
5) If you want your 'No' honored, be sure that you equally honor other people's 'No.'

How to Let Go of What You Can't Control (Read Time: 5 min.)

2012-08-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

Part of knowing how to create AND keep healthy boundaries comes in knowing the difference between your circle of control and your circle of influence. I was sitting in a marriage and therapy class one Saturday and my professor pulled out a sharpie and drew two circles on the board. She explained this critical distinction and it changed my life... and my understanding of how to set boundaries.

Far too often we believe we have far more control over OTHER people than we actually have. We think that if we say the right thing, make the right choices, or demand in a harsh, clear way that people will fulfill our needs by doing what we ask... only to realize that people simply don't work that way. While we do control ALL of our reactions to the circumstances of our lives, rarely is there a season of life where we control ALL of the circumstances. For the Type A, overachieving, planners of the world, this is a hard truth to accept but a necessary one if you're going to learn how to create AND keep healthy boundaries.

Your boundaries will be built or broken by your ability to distinguish between situations you can control (i.e. those things in your circle of control) and situations you can influence (i.e. those things in your circle of influence). Truth be told, there's very little in life that's in your complete circle of control. That's why, in the diagram, the circle of control is the smaller, inner circle. It's small in diameter because outside of deciding when you brush your teeth, what you eat for breakfast, and the route you take to work, not much is 100% in your control (and even your route to work could change depending on traffic).

More than likely, most of the life experiences you have will be held in your circle of influence. That's why it's the bigger circle... and the more powerful from which to operate in. Influence is more powerful than control because influence leads to impact. When you influence a situation, you give it the room to flow as you assist the orchestration of that flow. You aren't worried about outcomes going a certain way because you influence knowing that you have the capacity to handle whatever comes. Influence is about serving as a thinking partner to the situation, the person, and the circumstances. You are not there to dictate but you are there to discuss and deliberate. From influence comes most of the world's greatest decisions.

But influence requires solid boundaries. Most people assume control has clear lines. You know what you can do and you know what you can't do. For most people, influence exists in the gray area and people don't know what to do with it. When you have good boundaries, you don't worry about where your influence begins and ends. Why? Because you know where you start and the other person ends. You know what your role is and you let others be responsible for theirs. Healthy boundaries are required if you're going to stay in your circle of influence.

And here's the important part: Attempting to act in situations that are in your circle of influence with the rules of your circle of control is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because it'll lead to disappointment, frustration, and anger. Anytime you're feeling frustrated in a situation, you're probably acting from your circle of control while being in a circle of influence situation.

And here's how you let the need for control go:

1) Recognize control for the illusion it is. Planning's nice. Being the driver of your life is key but, at the end of the day, anything could come along and totally change the game. Be strong enough to steer the course and flexible enough to veer the wheel when life takes a turn.

2) Focus on developing influence, not on maintaining control. The more you grip control, the more of it you lose. Focus on building meaning, significance and care into how you handle ALL parts of your life and your level of influence will grow.

3) Change your approach to handling unexpected circumstances. Instead of viewing them as problems, look for possibilities. You'll have to be deliberate about this because, in the moment, you won't feel like there are possibilities. You'll feel like complaining about the problems. Be conscious about which one you're choosing. What you send out will come back to you.

4) Create boundaries that honor influence and disown control. At the end of the day, healthy boundaries are not about exerting control over other people. They're about giving space and life to what you need at the same time that you honor the same in others. Boundaries are not fortresses. They're permeable parameters that honor you AND the other person.

Financial Boundaries & The Power of Pleasure: How to Have Both (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-07-30T09:52:00.001-07:00

Latte... or no latte? That is the question.

I remember watching a guest on Oprah speak at length about the "latte factor" and, at the time, it made a lot of sense. If you spend $5.00 a day at Starbucks, you spend $35.00 a week and $140.00 a month and over $1,400.00 a year. And that's money you could save... I get it. Yup, that's money you could save.

What this guest didn't say was this: For some people, that latte is more than a latte. It's a gift, a treasure, a moment of pleasure, a half an hour ritual that inspires creativity, ushers in business, and transforms the day. For that person, a latte isn't just a latte: it's a necessity.

So how do you have both (the savings and the latte)?

Believe you can...

What is your financial dream?

If you could change one thing about your finances,

what would you change?

Oftentimes, people get so focused on their debt (how much they have, how long it'll take to pay it off) that they lose sight of what they're actually doing: creating MORE debt.

Remember:

What you focus on grows.

Once you know your debt number (i.e. you know your total amount of debt and you have a spreadsheet or some app that keeps track of who you owe and the arrangements you'll make or have made), then your focus needs to be totally and completely upon building the level of income that is required to create your financial dream.

I love the truth of what Dave Ramsey says to so many of his radio show listeners:

"You don't have a debt problem.

You have an income problem."

Would you like to have both the latte and the savings?

Work on increasing your income.

And here's where boundaries come in. In order to increase your income, you have to create boundaries around your time, energy and talents so you have enough of each to work your full time day job and create multiple streams of income. It's not going to happen consistently without solid boundaries in place.

Here are 4 healthy boundaries you MUST put in place if an increase income is what you want:

1) Decide the most value-added tasks to increase your income and do them FIRST in your day. In other words, outside of your day job, when it's time to sit down and work on creating more.
income, do not do the "easy" things first. Tackle the large, value-added, tasks that ONLY you can do.
2) Delegate household chores to other people. That means cooking, cleaning, lawn care, and any other $5.00/hour task that will not make you $200.00/hour.

3) Get adequate sleep. There are so many people who argue for burning the midnight oil and doing whatever it takes. Whatever it takes leads to exhaustion, overwhelm, and getting a cold or flu that then puts you out of commission for 2 weeks (and doesn't make you any additional money). Know your sleep limits and make sure (for the most part) you get the right amounts.

4) Clear the space you work in and make it money friendly. This is the #1 thing. If your office space or whatever space you create that additional income in is cluttered, dirty, or set up in a way that doesn't feel abundant, money will be hard to come by. Even if it takes you a weekend to clear space, sage, and do some feng shui, DO IT! Major corporations bring in feng shui experts to set up their space. If they do it and spend lots of money doing so, understand the reasoning: clear, open, free space filled with positive energy ushers in abundance... period.

Debt is not the issue. Lattes are not the problem. If the financial reality you have is not the one you want, it's time to get more resourceful with both your talents and your boundaries. Begin today!

Debt, Boundaries & The Desire for Freedom (Read Time: 4 min.)

2012-07-23T10:00:00.004-07:00

How much debt do you have?

Do you know the exact total?

Do you know what your debt consists of?

Debt is bondage and bondage keeps us from creating healthy boundaries. When you feel like an indentured servant to past due bills, the constraint of that energy seeps into everything you think about doing. All of a sudden, you find yourself wanting to say no to working an extra ten hours a week at work but having to say yes because you "need" the money. You find yourself living with people you don't even want to socialize with because you need a rent free roof over your head and they were the only ones who said yes. You find yourself not going anywhere for vacation and having to tell your kids for the thousandth time that you can't afford to get them piano lessons or toys or send them to summer camp. You find yourself compromising your integrity, giving up your freedom to choose, and silencing your power to say "no" because you are now at the beck and call of people who are giving you "free" help that's not really free because there are strings attached.

It isn't a pretty picture, is it?

Your debt is real and it may feel real but your sense that you no longer have the right to create and keep healthy boundaries because you're in debt IS NOT real. In fact, the only way to get out of debt is to get very good at learning what to say yes to and what to say no to. Without the ability to create powerfully healthy boundaries, you will lack the resolve necessary to get out of debt.

When you crave the freedom that comes with owing no man anything but you're in the kind of debt that will take you at least the next two or more years to repay, how do you set healthy boundaries... AND keep them?

Here's how:

1) Speak truthfully, concisely and clearly to bill collectors one good time and provide a follow-up date and time when you will call them back. There's a breed of bill collector who believes that calling you constantly and harassing you with threats is the way to make you shake money from a tree. Not only is it rude and invasive but it's a humiliating experience to have when at work or at home with the family. Nip it in the bud by answering your phone ONE GOOD TIME and explaining to this person the following: 1) Your current financial situation, 2) Your intention to pay, 3) The date you will call them back to revisit the issue and create payment plans, and 4) The latest date by which you will start making payments. If that's not good enough for that collector, then hang up the phone and find out who you can report their harassment to. Bottom line: Do not worry about what comes next. If you don't have the money to pay, you're worrying about it will not make the money appear any faster. In fact, it will block money's flow to you.

2) Don't get into more debt. When you're drowning, don't ask to have more water put on you. If you can barely pay your bills now, make sure you have a reliable vehicle, a decent roof over your head, the utilities paid, a cell phone that gets good reception, and food to eat. Anything beyond that is a luxury when money's tight. In other words, once you have the basics, don't fall into the trap of buying luxuries that you mentally justify as necessities or that you purchase as a way to soothe your feeling of bondage. If it doesn't feed you, clothe you, or house you (or provide the means by which you do those three), it's not a necessity.

3) Decide the month and year you plan to be debt free and remind yourself of that date EVERY SINGLE DAY until it happens. Far too often, we create goals and then toss them to the side. If you want to fulfill a goal, you have to focus on it. Write down your debt free goal and ask yourself (every day): How can I make this happen?

4) Make ALL decisions from the place of one who has UNLIMITED resources and can operate from his/her highest level of integrity. You don't have to wait for the money to be in the bank to say "No" to things that would compromise your integrity. Behave as you would in a debt free space. You need the self-discipline training NOW so you don't compromise your integrity later. You also need to be able to teach people how to treat you, no matter what your financial situation or status is. You will be used in life to the extent that you display feelings of unworthiness. If you think you have to beg or work to death to have what you want, you will continue on that journey when money is flowing and debt is gone. Stop the bad habits now.

All in all, here's the deal:

You teach people how to treat you.

Money (or lack of money) doesn't make you more or less worthy than anyone else. Once you get that, you can move away from feeling guilt, blame or shame for your current financial situation and onto the business of making the solid financial decisions and creating the firm, healthy financial boundaries that will reshape your entire life. It begins and ends with you. Choose wisely...

Where is Your Money Going? The Boundary of Financial Design (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-07-22T20:53:00.002-07:00

Where is your money going?

Not generally (like most people refer to) but SPECIFICALLY. Where did your last $50.00 bucks go? Mine went to KMart (light bulbs, deoderant, chapstick), Pretzyl Time (a pretzyl for my 15 year old and a small lemonade as we had mother/son time) and Chevron gas station ($25.00 in the gas tank plus a car wash).

Can you be that specific about where your money is going?

Most people spend their lives throwing money at things that lack vision, purpose, or destiny. They buy out of a need to feel secure and they purchase things from which they can never get true security.

Does that sound like you?

Isn't it time you decided that your destiny and your financial decisions go hand in hand?
Isn't it time you put paper to pencil and got VERY serious about where you spend your cash?
Isn't it time you put your money where your mouth is and made financial decisions based on destiny and not desire?

And here's where the boundary conversation comes in:

What financial boundaries are you willing to create

so you can have the life you say you want?

AND

How long are you willing to hold to those boundaries?

I decided last week that I would only go to Wal-Mart once every 3 weeks. You see, WalMart is a weakness for me (and most of America). You go to WalMart for toothpaste and you come out spending $200.00. Now, that's making Sam Walton's heirs rich but it's not doing much for my destiny. So I've decided that Sam Walton only sees my money once every three weeks.

What if I need chicken breast?

I've created the boundary that I don't go to WalMart which means

I now go to a grocery store that only sells groceries.

What if it's more expensive than WalMart?

Well, I save money on things I would've bought at WalMart because

those things aren't sold for cheap at the grocery store.

What if there's something I need to buy at WalMart that I can only get at WalMart?

If there's something that I need to buy that I can't purchase at a grocery store, pharmacy,

gas station, or other retailer, then I did something wrong in my once every three weeks

grocery list and, at the end of the day, it CAN WAIT.

Here's the bottom line:

Your financial decisions are designing your life.

Be sure that where you spend your money

is where you really want to spend your life.

There's a deep correlation between the two.

Financial Insecurity & Relationship Boundaries: The Connection (Read Time: 4 min.)

2012-07-06T10:39:00.002-07:00

Do you feel insecure about money (making it, saving it, keeping it)?

Where, in your life, do you feel that resources are scarce?

What do you attribute to your lack of financial stability?

Whenever financial insecurity is a recurring theme in your life, there tends to be a few things at the heart of it:
1) You don't trust that you'll be able to handle whatever comes.
2) You fear that life will not provide the opportunities and resources necessary for your survival (let alone your thriving).
3) You secretly blame others for your lack of financial security and you feel justified in expecting them to step up to the plate so you can have what you need.

Now... how does that relate to healthy boundaries?

Here's the issue: If what you identify as the source of your well-being (the cause of your financial security or insecurity) is any living person outside of yourself, you are putting all of your safety, security, and peace in the hands of someone who is bound to fail you.

Why are they bound to fail?

Because the only Source you have is God and anyone else you give that responsibility to lacks the capacity to fill the role. What winds up happening, then, is that you have all of these expectations for a person who was never built to fill them. What ends up happening from there looks like something out of a soap opera script. You demand more. You expect more. You argue over unfulfilled obligations and all because you created relationship boundaries that hinged upon demands and expectations the other person was never designed to fulfill. Before you know it, disappointment leads to anger, frustration, guilt, and resentment... and then you wonder why your relationship is on the rocks.

You've set the wrong relationship boundaries

out of a fear of financial instability.

Let's get very clear on this:

1) No one HAS to financially provide for you but you. The sooner you get on board with this, the more powerfully you will design your financial life using healthy boundaries.
2) No one CAN financially provide for you in a way you aren't ready and willing to receive. Reciprocity is as important to financial security as making an investment is to receiving a return. In life, people don't get what they want; they get what they believe they deserve.
3) Money flows to the people who don't make money their god. When money rules your life and it's the only thing you think about or worry about, it becomes the thing you worship. Worshiping something that has no value is a waste of energy and time. Put money in its rightful place: it is a means to an end. When you can see money as one energetic vehicle through which you travel in life, you will also understand that making it and keeping it aren't about what other people will and won't do for you. It's about what you will and won't do for yourself.
4) Making financial prosperity a condition of love turns a relationship into a transaction. If what you wanted was a business deal, there was no need to get married. Simply get a contract, a business partner, and a good lawyer and you can hammer out the details later. Romantic partnership is not about tit-for-tat financial contribution. The vows say "for richer, for poorer" but most people would rather it be "For richer and for richer." Love doesn't work that way when it's real.
5) There's a difference between fiscal responsibility and financial scapegoating. You want a relationship where there's equitable financial responsibility, not one where people are blaming each other for what money can't buy, they can't earn, or for the things they find themselves having to live without.

So these points are all pretty clear... and you've heard them before.

What's the bottom line?

The bottom line is this:

It's not enough to hear it or read it.

You need to start living it.

Stop expecting that it is your spouse's job to provide for your every financial need.
Stop acting like your parents (by giving birth to you) owe you every extra penny they have... and you're 27, 37, or 47 years old.
Stop blaming the economy for your financial woes. Own your role in racking up debt, making foolish purchases, and not investing or saving wisely.
Stop looking for an easy way out. Money may be about flow but wealth isn't built in a day. You want it? Develop a specific numbers goal and then be prepared to work at it for YEARS...

And, of all the things I can say that will help you manage both your financials and the boundaries of your relationships, it's this:

Stop thinking the Source of your provision is anyone other than God.
You are creating a faith block and a life hold when you deny God's role in giving you EVERYTHING you have.

Make no mistake:

Your employer did not pay your mortgage last month. God did...

Why Money Fears Cause Bendable Boundaries (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-07-03T09:31:00.001-07:00

How is your relationship to money?

Do you love cash or do you wish you lived in a world where money didn't matter?

How easily do you believe money comes to you?

Is money the thing that you hate to need or is it a means by which you enjoy your life?

Your answers to those questions will say a lot about the boundaries you've created around your finances. When money (having it, not having it, making it, or spending it) is a constant source of worry and fear, you'll find that your overwhelming approach to financial management will be creating emotional walls around money issues.

Instead of creating a budget, you'll refuse to open up bills until payday, pay what you can and continue not opening up letters that come in the mail. Instead of having an honest financial conversation with your spouse, you'll secretly overspend or subtly micromanage household spending. Instead of going to your boss and asking for a promotion or a raise, you'll grumble and gripe about how you're so undervalued at work.

Do you see how fearing money can

cause you to create unhealthy boundaries?

The good thing about knowing what is comes in understanding that awareness precedes action. Once you get that you have money fears that are running your boundaries, there are a number of steps you can take to recreate healthy money boundaries:

1) Choose to see money as a means to an end and not an end in and of itself. Whenever you find yourself with less money than you'd like, ask yourself "Who am I choosing to be today? How would I act today if I had millions of dollars in the bank?" Learning how to consistently be who you are (no matter what the circumstance) is key to having peace and happiness in your life. Your joy is not based on your bank statement; it's based on how you choose to show up in your life.

2) Track your spending for a month so you know where your money is going. After the month is over, see where you've been investing your funds. Ask yourself, "Is this where I want to invest my money?" Be intentional about where you are choosing to invest your money from this moment on and create boundaries that honor those choices. Even if you don't make more money, you'll start to feel more powerful when it comes to the money you do have... and that sense of power will lead you to means and methods of earning more money.

3) Set a one year money goal and do AT LEAST one thing every day towards its achievement. People say "I want more money" ALL the time. But how much money is that? More money could be a penny extra. Is that enough for you? Creating and keeping healthy boundaries requires that you know where to draw the line. It also requires that the line is so clearly drawn that other people know where it is too. In terms of money, it's time you decided how much would be enough for you. Back that up with at least one daily action and measure your results in 3, 6, 9 and 12 month increments. And here's the thing: once you set the goal, DO NOT GIVE UP until you reach it. It doesn't matter if it takes you longer than the 12 months. Where focus goes, energy flows. Identify your money goal, focus on it by taking daily action, measure your results and decide in advance that you will be there until...

Budgeting and Boundaries: Can You Draw a Line in the Sand? (Read Time 3 min.)

2012-06-27T17:50:00.001-07:00

How do you feel about budgeting?

If you're talking to a banker or an accountant, you'll probably get a thumbs up. If you're talking to someone who's afraid of money, doesn't know how to manage money, or seems to always be without money, you'll probably get a wince, a head down or a deer-in-headlights stare. The reality is this:

Either you are managing your money

or your money is managing you.

So we have to talk about budgeting and financial boundaries because the two are intricately connected.

A budget is a way of using financial boundaries to design your sense of security, safety, and wealth throughout life. It's the vehicle through which you decide how comfortable you live, what you buy, where you shop, and to what extent you feel provided for. The best part of a budget is the fact that you get to create it.

What keeps most people from using budgets is the fear that comes with facing the current, present moment reality of your financial life today. It's one thing to know that you don't make enough money. It's quite another to see just how much less you make than what you need in dollars and cents. People fear knowing the truth because they get caught up in the temporary circumstance of their financial situation. Remember: Like Facebook, your financial status is going to change but you have to be the one to change it. There is no Instafinance app in your life that's going to upgrade your salary or benefits or wealth level on its own. You've got to do that.

So how do you do it?

Use financial boundaries to help you re-frame how you see budgeting so you actually budget AND stick to it.

I'm not going to use this space to tell you how to budget. I'll leave all the forms and the instructions to the pros like Dave Ramsey. What I do want to give you is a series of steps you can use to deprogram that negative, icky feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes every time you even think about getting real with your finances.

Okay... so here are three financial boundaries you can set that will help you discipline yourself to budget:

1) At all times, I know my numbers. At all times, decide that you know what's in the bank, what's in your gross paycheck, how it's being spent, and how you'll spend it. Say to yourself: I have to know what's missing so I can create ways to meet that need. See a budget as a way of getting to the bottom of what you have, what you need, and how you can meet those needs in the next 6-12 months. Look at your budget like it's a piece to the puzzle of your financial goals. You need that piece to finish that puzzle. When you start to see a budget as an ally (rather than enemy), you make peace and get on the same page with it.
2) Pleasure is a part of EVERY budget. This is a well kept secret to budgeting that lots of people don't talk about. One of the reasons people hate budgeting is because it offers no immediate incentive. When you're making less than you owe, you tend to go into a feast or famine frame of mind: either you starve your life in your budget to pay bills or you spend overboard to compensate for all the previous budgets where you starved yourself of any sort of life enjoyment or satisfaction. I love Dave Ramsey but I'm not down with totally living on beans and rice for 3 or more years. At the end of the day, you have to find ways to enjoy your life NOW. When you include a SMALL portion of your budget and label it as "Pleasure", you wind up feeling abundant, cared for and you're better able to deal with the tightness and allocation of the rest of it. Bottom line: You have to enjoy each pay check at least a little bit.

3) I keep my big 3 financial goals in front of me at every single budgeting session and brainstorm ways to get to those goals faster through each individual budget. It's said that people perish for a lack of vision. It's not enough to pay the bills this month. There's nothing about "just getting by" that's going to keep you motivated to continue budgeting for the long haul. I get that people say it's powerful to know where your money is going and telling your money what to do through a budget but you know what? Having to send your money to bills ALL THE TIME sucks and there's nothing powerful in that. Instead of looking at your budget as a way to pay bills and live broke, write out your 3 big financial goals/dreams on a sheet of paper before you begin the budgeting process. As you decide what each line item's going to be, ask yourself: "How can I use this to get to one of these financial goals faster?" It's about getting to the WHY of budgeting rather than staying stuck in the what. You attach a WHY to living on beans and rice and you'll get into it, stay consistent with it and get through it much faster.

What's my point in all of this?

Use financial boundaries as a way to help you develop the self-discipline to start budgeting and stay budgeting. Speaking of which, tonight's a budgeting night for me and I'm going to use all three tips to get my financial party started:)

How Do Your Financial Goals Affect Your Financial Boundaries? (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-06-22T22:59:00.004-07:00

When it comes to your finances, what are your goals?

What would you like to see happen in 1, 2, 3, and 5 years with your money?

Lots of people read those two questions and stop right there... At this point, things are so tough financially that they can barely imagine what it's going to look like in a year let alone five (and many of them don't really want to know). Right there, this kind of doom-and-gloom, "I make just enough to get by" mentality is setting up unhealthy financial boundaries like:

I never have enough money so why budget? (unhealthy boundary: not budgeting)
I'm so in the hole, I'll never get ahead so I stay in debt because that's the only way I can cope with my life (unhealthy boundary: overspending on things that don't really matter)
This is the best I can do so I might as well stay in this job and keep making this level of money (unhealthy boundary: accepting pay as unchanging & taking no action to progress financially)

I could go on and on but you get my drift. Without a vision, people perish. In the same way, without a financial vision, without telling your money what to do (as Dave Ramsey puts it), you're under the control of finances and not IN control of them.

Right now, it may seem impossible to set financial goals. Money might be tight. Your job might be tenuous. You may be unemployed. Your business might be brand new and you have no idea what to expect. No matter what the circumstance, NOW is the time to set financial goals for the next 12 months.

Why?

To get where you want to go, you have to know where it is you're going. Begin today.

Develop 3 financial goals for the next twelve months. Here are four coaching questions that will help you do that:

1) In the next twelve months, how much money would you like to have saved in the bank?

2) In the next twelve months, how much debt would you like to have paid off?

3) In the next twelve months, what major purchases would you like to make?

4) How much would you like to see your income increase by in the next twelve months?

Answer those questions and you've got a financial vision.

Goals = a tangible dream. Go after it!

What Do Your Financial Boundaries Look Like? (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-06-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

When it comes to money, how are your boundaries?
When people think of healthy boundaries, a lot of the boundaries they think about are emotional or physical in nature: relationships, privacy, physical space, job roles, family roles, and the list goes on. All of these have a very personal feel to them. But nothing is as personal and as touchy a subject to others as money.

So today we're going to do a little financial boundary inspection. Below I'm going to ask you 10 questions about your financial boundaries. In a notebook, jot your answers down and, one by one, I'll address the DOs and DONTs of each question in a daily post.

Here they are:

1) What are your financial goals? How specific are they?
2) What's your method for budgeting? How well is it working for your financial goals?
3) What scares you most about money?
4) Where do you feel financial insecurity and how are you handling it?
5) What is most of your money being spent on? Is it the thing that will get you where you want to be long term?
6) How much debt do you have? How does it make you feel?
7) If you could change one thing about your finances, what would you change?
8) If you are in a relationship, how often do you communicate about money? How productive are those conversations?
9) When you look at your financial reality today, where is this present bringing you five years from now? Is that where you want to be?
10) What financial boundaries do you need to set so that you arrive at a financially wealthier and healthier place in the next year?

Ask For What You Want (Read Time: 2 min.)

2012-06-20T21:18:00.003-07:00

I meet so many people who are afraid to ask for what they want (what they REALLY want). Whether it's fear of rejection or fear of disapproval, they allow some sort of fear to keep them from requesting what is their right to request.

When I coach, I hear clients subtly ask for permission to do a lot of things like:

get rest
take time off
own their feelings
speak their truth
live their lives
change jobs
admit they hate something someone else is doing

And the list goes on...

But here's the deal:

Not owning your power to choose

means you're giving that power away.

Any power you won't reveal, other people will have no problem trying to steal. When we don't use our power, we end up giving it away.

How have you given away your power to others?

Sometimes we give away power by not speaking up. At other times, we give away power by revealing too much. The key to speaking the truth and asking to have your needs met is one thing:

TRUST YOURSELF...

Your inner knowing is keenly aware of what boundary conversations you need to have and when, what truths you need to speak and why, what requests you need to make and how to meet those needs COMPLETELY. But if you don't trust that, you doubt it... and your doubt brings you to a place of fear.

Take a powerful step:

Start asking for what you want without fear of reprisal.

Start speaking your truth to others and stop worrying about whether they like it.

Begin to create a life where you speak what's real for you because that's the only way you know how to live.

Let go of the misconception that being "nice" is worth more than being real.

How many "nice" people do you remember?

At the end of the day, follow the words of Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements:

"Ask for what you want. Everyone has the right to tell you yes or no but you always have the right to ask."

Yes... you do.

Five Ways to Cure the Disease to Please (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-06-19T06:06:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I talked about why being a "good girl/good guy" is a bad thing. I gave you all the reasons why taking on that role does not serve you. In today's post, I want to give you 5 practical, strategic, all-up-to-you ways to cure the disease to please.

Here's the truth:

People-pleasing is a habit you can't afford to have

if your goal is to create a life you love to look at.

You simply don't have enough years in this lifetime to waste it people pleasing. When that truly resonates with you, something in you starts to say, "Ok, so what do I have to do to get over this people-pleasing thing?" I'm glad you asked...

In my people-pleasing days, I found myself doing a lot of things I really didn't want to do. I ate at restaurants because other people liked those restaurants. I did favors even when I didn't have the time to do it. I sacrificed my own needs so I could meet the needs of others.

I did lots of ridiculous, boundary bending things that,

at the end of the day, didn't make people like me more;

it gave them permission to respect me less.

When I finally woke up to the people-pleasing tendencies that I had, I made some clear, sudden shifts. Here are five that I found extremely helpful (Note: I did the whole emotional explosion thing and made ALOT of sudden changes so I won't put all of those here because, let's get down to it, a lot of the other ones (done in haste and anger) simply didn't work).

But here are five strategies that did:

1) Define your 3 life non-negotiables. What are the three things that need to happen in your life on a regular basis (daily/weekly/monthly) that put you at your best so you can fully give to others? What are those three things that NEED to happen regardless of what else does or doesn't get done? Write them down. Schedule them into your life. Make them NON-NEGOTIABLES, meaning if those don't get done, ain't nothin' else gettin' done. You feel me? NON-NEGOTIABLE...

2) Let go of ANY non-reciprocal or one-sided relationships. If someone only calls you when they need something, you don't have a relationship; you have a contract and guess what? You aren't getting paid for your work. If you have a relationship with ANYONE (that includes family) where you aren't being heard, seen, or treated with respect, why stay in it? Have ONE GOOD boundary conversation with the person in question and let them know how you feel about the current state of the relationship. See if there's room to shift things. However, if that person continues to show you who they are (and who that is represents USER), it's time to let that person go. Truth be told, that person was never really in the relationship anyway.

3) Find people who support your growth, who get your vision, and who know how to create and keep healthy boundaries and make those people your inner circle. Creating and keeping healthy boundaries requires support. You need healthy boundary mentors who've been where you've been and who have mastered the art of creating and keeping healthy boundaries. You also need people around you who really see you, who know what you're worth and who'll remind you, when you have a people-pleasing setback, to stop playing small in the world.

4) Say "No" to anything that doesn't feel right. This is a hard one. When you've people pleased for a long time, "Yes" becomes the automatic answer. When you start to rewire that mental programming, you actually have to stop answering requests for your time in the moment they come. Begin to respond to ANY request with things like "I need 24 hours to think about that. I'll let you know" or openly say "No, I'm scheduled to do something else at that time." Bottom line: pull back your "Yes" and say "No" more and with more certainty. Remember: HOW you say "No" is oftentimes more important than the fact that you did. If someone hears your "No" as a "Yes", you've lost the battle.

5) Before going in the people pleasing direction, ask yourself, "How relevant is this person's approval to my life five years from now and how much of my self esteem am I willing to give up to make this person like me?" Long question, yes but very effective. And here's why. When we people please, we tend to lie to ourselves about why we did. We tend to say things like "I just wanted to help" or "I know if I were in that situation, I'd want someone to help me." Cut to the chase with yourself and tell the truth. You people please because you want to be liked and you feel a need to be liked because you're afraid that people won't love you, need you or want to be around you if you didn't try so hard. When you ask the above question, you get down to the root of it: Will this person's approval matter to me in 5 years? Am I willing to pay the HIGH price of my self esteem in order to get their temporary approval (until they need the next thing from me)? Chances are, your answer will be HELL NO.

Bottom line of this post:

You can stop people-pleasing in ANY moment you choose.

Implement these five steps and let me know how it goes...

Why Playing the "Good Girl" is a Bad Thing (Read Time: 4 min.)

2012-06-18T17:01:00.006-07:00

How often have you found yourself playing the role of the "good girl/good guy"?

You know the one... The reliable, responsible, trusting, caring, nurturing, say "Yes" to everything person who's always there and ready to help...

Playing the role is a double-edged sword. There's a difference between giving because you choose to and saying "Yes" because you have to. The "good girl" persona is one that requires too much time, too much energy and results in very little value... for you and the other person.

Here are 5 reasons that playing the "good girl" is a bad thing:
1) Pretending to be someone you're not indicates insecurity... and emotional vampires can smell insecurity a million miles away. Why do you think people use "good girls" so much? Whenever you create a super-good persona, you implicate yourself in the belief that who you REALLY are simply isn't good enough... and crazymakers eat that kind of insecurity for breakfast.

2) "Good girls" really do finish last. When you play the "good" role, you can't put on the hat five hours out of the day. We teach people how to treat us so the more you play "good", the longer people expect you to play the role. Before you know it, you're in a marriage, raising a family, and working at a job where people demand all of your time without one concern about meeting any of your needs. It's a vicious cycle where you take on the role of serving and people stop seeing you as anything other than a servant. Don't do it!

3) Eventually, you will get tired of being someone you're not and then watch out! The volcano erupts, you have some explosive conversations, and now you've lost your cool, family and friends, and you're not quite sure who you are anymore. Whatever you suppress has to come out... AT SOME POINT. When you cover up who you really are, you set the stage for an eventual emotional showdown. First you have a showdown; then you meltdown... and then you have to do the work of picking up all the pieces. All in all, it's way too much work pretending to be someone that you're not only to explode into someone you never wanted to be only to come back to picking up the pieces of who you really were to begin with. The Incredible Hulk is overrated but when good girls go wild, that's exactly who comes out.

4) Perfect sucks. Here's the thing: nobody's perfect and striving for it is a total and complete waste of time. Some people spend their whole lives trying to live up to other people's fantasies about who they "should" be. It's called a fantasy for a reason. Don't get sucked into the trap of having to be MORE so other people will like you. Those who don't like or love you as you are never will like or love you as you will be. Once you get to their definition of perfect, they'll create a new one... and there you'll be, on the hamster wheel, trying to keep up. Remember: the only perfection is imperfection and we're perfectly capable of doing that by being ourselves.

5) When you shine a light on the "pretend" version of you, you dim the brilliance of who you really are. Nobody wants the fake version of a brilliant, real thing and, yet, somehow, we think that being NOT ourselves is exactly what people are looking for. If you're in a relationship with someone who can't handle how brave, brilliant, and daring you are, rethink the relationship, not YOU... The test of any boundary is not whether or not the other person will honor it but to what extent you will uphold it... Play the "good girl/good guy" won't get you more respect or love; it will get you more conditions upon which respect and love are divvied out. That's not the kind of relationship you want.

So how do get over the whole "good girl/good guy" syndrome?

Check out tomorrow's blog post where I talk about

Five Ways to Cure the Disease to Please!

I'll break it down then...

Have You Ever Set a Boundary and Changed Your Mind? (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-06-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the boundaries you set aren't the boundaries you need. It could easily be that you set a boundary in one place in your life or with a certain amount of information (maybe incorrect information) and you're now in a new place with new information. The bottom line is this: you have the right to change your mind and you have the right to change your boundaries.

Here's the key to changing boundaries: Change them infrequently enough to establish a firm stance on your core boundary values but change them completely enough so all involved understand that it's your right to have your needs met in the way that you choose. It's a fine line to walk but it can be done.

Before you change any boundary, ask yourself the following questions:

1) What's not working about the current boundary?

2) How will changing the boundary get my needs met?

3) What impact will changing the boundary have on others? How can I make it a positive impact?

4) How will I need to establish this new boundary (in terms of behavior, actions, thoughts, and boundary communication)?

5) How will I handle any resistance to this new boundary?

6) How long do I plan to keep this boundary in place? (HINT: If you feel like you might change your mind about the boundary in three months or less, there's no point in changing the boundary). Keep it the same and try to re-frame or rework the boundary.

Once you've answered those questions, it's time to get down to boundary conversation planning. You need to identify who you need to communicate the boundary to, when you'll have the conversation, and when the boundary will go into effect. Knowing this for yourself frees you up from the "deer-in-headlights" look you would've given the moment someone responds to your boundary with, "But why?" The issue isn't why; the issue is how. "Here's how my boundary's changing... Here's how I would like to be treated... Here's how we can make this work for both of us..." Don't get caught up in the blame/explain/complain game. Speak your truth, explain it compassionately and concisely and then move forward.

At the end of the day, remember that you do have the right to change your mind. You do have the right to change your boundaries. No one is the same in any given moment. Do not expect iron clad boundaries when life is not about being the same; it's about constantly evolving and being different. Give yourself the room to change your boundaries when life and experience calls for it, not in a whimsical, wiffle-waffle way but in a conscious, compassionate, love-yourself-truly kind of way.

Five Boundaries You Need to Stand Firm On (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-06-13T14:33:00.001-07:00

All boundaries are important but not every boundary is absolutely, positively vital to your well being and success in life.

When push comes to shove, what are the boundaries that you MUST have in place and keep in tact?

Here are 5 of the MUST-HAVE healthy boundaries:

1) Self-Care: By far the most important boundary you need is the boundary that establishes time for YOU: time to rejuvenate, relax, rest, receive, respond, time to make sure you're feeling whole, healthy and complete so you can give your best from your best. What self-care boundaries do you have in place?

2) Time: Your time is valuable, not just because you have a limited amount of it but because you have an unlimited array of things you can do with it. Knowing what times of day, what seasons of life, and what activities are off limits and when is an important, healthy boundary to have. For example, at what hour of day and night do you no longer answer your cell phone? What are the exceptions to that? Can people come over your house without prior notice? If not, how much notice do they have to give you? What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up? How many hours do you work each week? These are the kinds of questions that lead to the formation of healthy time boundaries.

3) Family boundaries: Every person in your family has a role. Clearly outlining everyone's role and having agreement about who does what when is key to having a family that's in harmony. Who's the finance person? Who's the disciplinarian? How is discipline done? Who does what chores when? When is family time each week? Does the family eat meals together? If so, how often? What kinds of decisions are made individually, as a couple, and by the entire family? What kind of family business is discussed with extended family? What kinds of business are not discussed with extended family? What role does extended family make in family decisions? Where do people live? How much do people work? Who takes care of the kids? How does everyone show and experience love in the household? These questions help guide the design of healthy family boundaries.

4) Intimacy: Intimacy boundaries set the tone for how close people can come to you (physically and emotionally). These boundaries identify what an appropriate relationship looks like and when certain types of behavior and communication are allowed/not allowed. When you set intimacy boundaries, you answer questions like: How close are people allowed to get to you? What's the physical and emotional distance allowed for a friend? Family member? Spouse? Co-worker? Boss? What kinds of questions can they ask and where is the line of inappropriate behavior drawn? How much PDA (Public Displays of Affection) are allowed and where are they allowed?

5) Work: Work boundaries establish your job roles, responsibilities, and the extent to which those roles and responsibilities overlap into your personal life. What do you do at work? What's your job and what's not your job? How many hours will you work each week? How much private information will you share with your boss and co-workers? How often will you take on "extra" projects or help others with their work responsibilities? What is too much work and how will you keep yourself from experiencing burnout? All of these questions help you clearly define your work boundaries.

When first learning how to create AND keep healthy boundaries, there's a temptation to try to create boundaries in ALL areas of life. That's a lot to take on if you've been people pleasing for years. Instead, do what works: begin in one or two areas of your life. Create and keep healthy boundaries in those areas and then expand your healthy boundaries as you get accustomed to the self discipline of communicating and keeping your boundaries in place.

Between Loving Yourself & Needing Other People: How to Say No (Read Time: 5 min.)

2012-06-10T20:45:00.003-07:00

No is a powerful word. It's a word that establishes a boundary. It creates a limit. It is a word that, when used consciously, has the ability to redraw the lines of one's very existence. However, "No" is also a word far too many people use against themselves.

"No, I am not worthy."

"No, I don't have the right to say how I feel."

"No, I won't speak the truth."

"No, I am going to be that person that people can depend on, even if it costs me my sanity."

"No, I have to say 'Yes.'"

How often have you said "No" to what you really want, really need and how you really feel...

only to discover that the silence of your "No" has left you without the power to TRULY say "Yes"?

It's amazing how much our society plays the tune of "Love requires sacrifice." You can't pick up a Cosmo magazine or turn on a radio station or watch a sappy chick flick without getting the message loud and clear:

Loving you requires that I sacrifice me.

In what love story does that ever really work out?

But here's the problem: We've been raised on fairy tales but were never told the grim, unfortunate endings of those stories. We've been longing for fairy tale princes and Cinderella carriages but we so conveniently forget that the prince was once a toad, the carriage became a pumpkin and Snow White spent a loooooooooooooooong time waiting for her true love's kiss. And the sick part of it is this: we apply this love-requires-sacrifice logic to our boundaries... and then wonder why we're miserable.

And let me spell out the truth:

Loving yourself doesn't have to cause anybody else pain.

Choosing yourself doesn't mean that you can't also choose others.

You are free to love yourself and, in fact, you NEED to love yourself enough to establish boundaries that honor you AND the other person. It is not your selfishness that keeps you stuck; it is your selflessness that keeps you a prisoner.

Where did we come up with the term 'selfless' any way?

It isn't even possible to be selfless so long as you have a SELF.

We need to make a boundary paradigm shift where we move from looking at creating and keeping healthy boundaries as some optional, selfish thing people do when they're sick and tired to being the natural, loving, conscious thing we do when we realize that the best care we can offer begins and ends at home.

You CAN love yourself and love other people. You CAN take care of yourself and take care of your kids too. You CAN fulfill your dreams and, in doing so, be part of the evolution of someone else's vision. You do not exist in exclusion to anyone else's survival.

We are all intricately connected and when we get that, one truth about our boundaries becomes VERY clear:

Saying "No" is the gift you give to others that gives them permission to say "Yes" to themselves.

This is not an either/or decision. It's an "I can have both" choice.

So how do you love yourself, honor yourself, and care for yourself when you know that your saying "Yes" to you will leave a lot of people feeling hurt, bitter, or angry about you saying "No" to them? I'm so glad you asked.

I've been metaphysical up until now so let's get down to the practical.

Here are 4 ways to say "No" wholeheartedly and without regret:

Know what you're saying "No" to. What are you saying "No" to? Sometimes you're saying no to a request. At other times, you're saying "No" to a relationship. Be very clear (before you say no) what you're saying "No" to. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes your "No" is personal and it's important to know that in advance so when you say "No", you get very clear with the person about what exactly you are saying "No" to. Keep this in mind: if you're saying "No" to a relationship or to a personality, people's feelings WILL get hurt. It is what it is. You don't have to defend your right to say "No" but you do have to be up front about what you're saying "No" to so both parties are clear about what that "No" means.
Tell the person what you need, how you're meeting your own needs and why their support (i.e. they're graciously and completing accepting your "No") is so vital to your well-being. People like to feel important. They want to know that they made a difference in your life. When somebody graciously accepts a "No" and honors your boundary, they ARE making a difference and it's important to set up the gratitude for their assistance even BEFORE they give the assistance. It's a little nudge in the right boundary direction and only you can give it.
Say the "No" within 48 hours of knowing that it's the right answer. So many people prolong saying "No" until they talk themselves out of doing what's right in favor of doing what's easy. Here's the catch to that: avoidance seems easy when you do it but just wait long enough... The consequences for putting off today what you're bound to do at some point in the future is HUGE. When you've listened to your inner knowing and the "No" is clear, give yourself 48 hours to communicate it. Waiting beyond that is asking for trouble and the kind that starts with boundary bending and ends with people pleasing. Don't do it.
Say "No" like you mean it. Say "No" with conviction, not in hesitancy. How you say "No" is as important as what you say "No" to. If you come across wishy washy, people will hear a totally different response. Remember: you have taught people how to treat you and if this is a new "No", it needs to be given with that much more gravity. Be clear, be serious, and be steadfast with your "No." Make sure your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language back that up.

One final point:

You NEVER have to choose.

Wars start because people think they're on opposite sides of humanity when we are all one. You NEVER have to choose between loving yourself and caring for others. Both can co-exist. Accept that as a new core belief and setting boundaries will become that much easier.

How Can I Stop Feeling Selfish For Putting Myself First? (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-06-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

How often do you feel guilty about meeting some of your most basic needs (adequate sleep, rest, nutrition, exercise, relaxation, quiet time)?

When you decide to put yourself back on your own priority list, it's no simple task. Now that your self-care is taking center stage (and rightfully so), there are shifts that have to be made: people you'll have to say "No" to, activities you'll need to stop doing, clubs/committees/responsibilities you'll have to turn down, and more selective use of all of your time. All in all, there will be people who will be disappointed that you are no longer as available to say "Yes" as you used to be.

What do you do when the resistance and

the disappointment of others at your "No" to them

causes you to feel selfish about your "Yes" to you?

Here are three options:
Option #1: Decide that you deserve your own time. This is a conscious decision. You have two choices: 1) Not worthy or 2) Worthy.

If you're not worthy of self-care, then here's the truth you're choosing to live:

"I don't deserve adequate sleep, rest, quiet time, play time, the ability to do the things that fulfill my life, satisfy my spirit, and bring me to my highest level of health and energy. I don't deserve to have my needs met and everyone else has the right to use and abuse me because I don't have the right to be who I am and have that be good enough. I'm unworthy of good things and people have the right to treat me like their servant any time they want. I'm not good enough and I never will be so why bother? I'm choosing to not take care of myself which will cause me lots of short and long term problems that I deserve."

Are you willing to co-sign on that kind of life?

Every time you fail to make your self-care a priority, that's exactly what you do.

If you're worthy of self-care, here's the truth you're choosing to live:

"I deserve adequate sleep, rest, quiet time, play time, the ability to do the things that fulfill my life, satisfy my spirit, and bring me to my highest level of health and energy. I know that I deserve to have my needs met and that I'm capable of meeting my own needs. I understand that my life works best when I care for myself first. I know that the people who love me want me to care for myself and they respect my need and fulfillment of self-care. I also know that the people who disapprove of my self-care are people who might not be doing self-care themselves and surely don't know their own value and capabilities. No one requires my giving up my self-care to fulfill their needs. I trust that people (just like me) have it within themselves to meet their own needs so I meet my needs knowing that doing so puts me at my highest level of health, energy, vitality and productivity. From that place, I can give so much more for so much longer. The people I love deserve a happy, healthy, whole me and that's exactly who they get when I put my self-care first."

Isn't that how you want to live in the world?

Truth be told, it's the ONLY way to live and really be living.

Option #2: Do a Buddies-Who-Say-No-Check-in. Identify three people you know who have healthy boundaries. For each person, ask yourself the following questions:

1) How does this person take care of him/herself?

2) What kinds of things does this person do to make him/herself a priority when it comes to self-care?

3) How much does this person still manage to offer and share with others?

4) Do I consider that person selfish?

When you do the Buddies-Who-Say-No-Check-in, there are three things you figure out really fast:
1) These individuals are some of the most giving, loving, selfless people you'll ever meet.
2) These individuals take GOOD care of themselves which leads them to take GOOD care of others.
3) These people have an optimistic, grateful approach to life and complain less than other people do (esp. less than those who give and give and give but never make time for themselves).

Getting clear on how you feel about other people who make self-care a priority gives you the freedom to do the same. It becomes very clear that people who love themselves take care of themselves and there's no guilt in self-love OR self-care.

Option #3: Get comfortable with the fact that not everyone's going to like you... and that's okay.

This is a harder order to fill because we all crave approval. We seek approval. It's human to want the pat on the back, the "Job well done!" or the proud nod from your parents. We all want to hear the people we love and trust most say, "You did good!" But, sometimes, people use that need for approval as a bargaining chip in the game of life. Sometimes, people take your need for love and acceptance and use it as a way to control your life. Here's the sad part: Those people may get their needs met for a short time but it comes at a very high price: the loss of the relationship. Here's the joyful part: No one can control you unless you let them. It's up to you to decide that if a few people are mad because you decided to go get a massage rather than babysit their kids, it's OK. If somebody's upset because you turned down taking on an extra project for them so you could give 100% to your current project load, THEY'LL LIVE. If somebody's complaining because you're never available for their 3 am relationship drama phone calls because you need to get at least six hours of sleep, they'll find someone else to call (THEY ALWAYS DO).

Remember:

You are not the beginning or the end for ANYONE. Within each person is the ability to meet their own needs. It is up to you to meet yours and you have the power to do that and the responsibility to do it, whether or not people approve, like or assist you.

Read Between the Lines: Why You Allow Others to 'Depend' on You So Much (Read Time: 4 min.)

2012-06-05T22:19:00.005-07:00

This is not going to be a "hope floats" kind of blog post. In fact, today's post is a real, up-close-and-personal, let's talk about the elephant in the room, take accountability and love-your-mess kind of post. Why? Because people run from the truth. They refuse to tell each other the truth and if it's one thing I choose to do with this blog, it's this:

I'm going to give it to you straight.

Brutal honesty? No. Rigorous honesty? Yes.

So let's get down to business...

Once upon a time, I was one of those people who loved being "dependable" (i.e. being needed). I was raised the "responsible" one, the oldest child, the one expected to do all the right things in all the right moments.

Can you relate?

Well, the gift and curse of being "dependable" is this: when people see that you're exceptionally gifted at being where they want you to be when they want you to be there doing what they want you to do whenever they ask, they will ask AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. And because you find fulfillment in words like "I so appreciate you" or "You're the best" or "I couldn't have done it without you" or "You're a lifesaver", you continue doing the co-dependent thing because above all else, you NEED to be needed.

But here's the problem with that:

When you treat your life like it's one big transaction, you end up feeling used.

So it's time to read between the lines. The people using you won't ever tell you the truth because they enjoy (or don't even consciously realize that they enjoy) having someone to use. In a book called Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend indicate the following:

"Co-dependent, boundaryless people

"co-sign the note of life" for the irresponsible person."

How many people have you co-signed (or are you co-signing)

the note of life for and still they depend on you for more?

If your goal is to stop bending your boundaries to the whims and wishes of others, you have to get real with why you do it. People will depend on you to the extent and as much as you allow. So the question isn't "Why do they keep depending on me?" The real question is: Why do I keep allowing them to use me?

And here are some answers:

1) Your giving is motivated by guilt and not love. Your dependability is based on your sense that you aren't worthy of love if you're not giving, that you have to give in order to get (i.e. to get other people's time, love and affection). You bargain in your relationships because you aren't sure that people will stick around if you have no chips on the table. In this way, your internal expectations about love are based on contracts, not covenants.
2) You fear being left so you insist on being needed. If people need you, then there's a reason for them to stick around. You've forgotten that you are precious, gifted and never alone. You see the world as if it's a Murphy's law existence and you use your dependability to keep the other shoe from dropping.
3) You don't know your value apart from the worth other people give you. Other people's praise is fleeting but this is what you live on; it's what you hunger for. You crave approval in a way that turns your power over to the people whose approval you need and that keeps you being "dependable" so long as their "liking of you requires their using of you.
4) You'd rather blame other people for "making" you give rather than own the fact that you don't have the guts to not give. People fear their power to say "No" because they think that their "No" comes with repercussions. Little do they understand that every fake "Yes" has long-term negative consequences that you cannot hide, deny or avoid.

5) Pity parties are something you enjoy and when people overload you with their wants and needs, it gives you the perfect excuse to throw one.

6) You've accepted the role of martyr because it's the only one you know how to do really well.

Harsh words, right? Sometimes the truth is exactly that way but you need to read the truth so you can accept the truth so you can now declare your own truth. You no longer have to be Mr. or Ms. "Dependable." You can now choose to be Mr. or Ms. Brave, Brilliant and Daring. Does that mean you say "No" to every request? Of course not. It simply means you no longer say "Yes" out of obligation, resentment or fear.

You say "Yes" as a move of power, as an expression of love and knowing full well that at any given moment, you also have the right to change your mind...

Need help getting there?

Order your copy of

The Healthy Boundaries Master Class today!

-->Click HERE for more Info<--

The 5 Reasons Why You are Not on Your Own Priority List... And What to Do About That (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-06-04T22:33:00.005-07:00

Ever look at your priority list and discover that you aren't on it?

Your needs, your goals, your dreams... they didn't make YOUR list.

Ever sit and think to yourself, "How is it that I'm putting everybody else on the list but me?"

Good... I'm glad you're at least asking the question.

Far too many people find themselves living lives they didn't choose. Is it because they're not capable of more? No. Is it because they lack the ability to fulfill their dreams? Of course not. People wind up living life on auto-pilot for many reasons but the one that seems to resonate with so many is this:

People who live life on other people's terms do so by failing to create AND keep healthy boundaries.

Think about it... If you lack the ability to say AND mean "No", then the only person you really have the ability to say "No" to is yourself. Continue that for five, ten, or fifteen years and not only do you have an uninspiring life but you become an overwhelmed, frustrated, resentful person who pastes a smile, says "Yes" incessantly and inwardly is screaming in rage that life is unfair, people are inconsiderate and needs aren't being met.

Don't be that person.

The first step in rediscovering your boundaries comes in uncovering why you've spent so long not being on your own priority list.

Here are 5 reasons why you are not on your own priority list:

1) You want other people's approval... even if it costs you your own. Approval is something everybody seeks but when you need it, you turn the reigns of your life over to the person whose approval you HAVE to have. Oftentimes, we bypass our own needs to meet the needs of those we want to "like" us. Remember one thing: people respect those who know how to say "Yes" and "No." No one will respect your boundaries or meet your needs until you do.
2) You feel obligated to serve the needs of others before your own. Here's the problem with obligation: service given by force is not service; it's indebtedness and there are few who want to receive help if it's tainted with resentment.
3) You're afraid to be empowered. Sometimes, we keep ourselves off our own priority lists because we know what being consistently on our own priority list would amount to: an empowered individual with high self esteem who knows what he/she wants and who's not afraid to ask for and receive it. Many people fear being that person and stepping into that power. Why? Because they aren't sure how the other people around them will react to a highly evolved, powerful them. The fear of losing love, connection, and relationship is enough to keep many people from putting and keeping themselves on their own priority lists.
4) You don't want to be labeled 'selfish.' There are many people who were either told or taught that to put themselves first equals being selfish. In their minds, being selfish is just as bad as being evil. Here's the problem with that: if you don't take care of you, how will you care for anyone else? Operating on little sleep, low energy, and without proper care is not a way you can operate for very long. Even when you do, rest assured that there are serious, long term consequences to taking your own life for granted. Change the paradigm of 'selfish' and replace it with the concept of self-care.
5) You believe meeting your needs will cost you more in the long run than it will cost you in the short run. Typically, people who buy into this myth are huge fans of Murphy's Law. They not only look for the other shoe to drop but they expect it to. If you're one of those people, keep this in mind: "The thing always happens that you really believe and the belief in a thing makes it happen." - Frank Lloyd Wright

Until you can accept that meeting your needs comes with no dire, negative life consequences, you will continue to put yourself on the back burner... and blame everybody else for it.

So what do you do if you find that one or more of the above reasons apply to you?

Change it...

How?

Here are three next steps to begin the process:

Step #1: Pull out a sheet of paper and write the top 3 needs that you have (that you aren't meeting) that you could meet on your own. Next to each need, write down why the need is important and what it will cost you 6 months, 1 year and 5 years down the road if you continue NOT meeting the need.

Step #2: Identify what items on your To-Do list you can now delegate to other people so you can create space to put yourself back on the priority list. Identify What you can delegate, Who you can delegate to, When you'll have the delegation conversation, and What date you plan to have the item fully delegated.

Step #3: Create a 'Me First' implementation strategy where you choose the date, the day, and the time you'll meet each of your three needs. If it's a habit you need to build into your life, write down what day you'll start building that happen and keep track of the building process for 21 days. If it's a special event you're going to attend, write down the critical dates you'll need to set the event up, pay for it, and attend. Find an accountability partner who will hold you accountable for following through.

At the end of the day, you are the master of your Priority List. If you aren't on that list, not only do you need to re-write the list, you need to redo your life. In order to give the most to others, you have to begin by giving the most for yourself. Start with these next three steps and give yourself 21 days to feel and see a difference. You can do it!

Need more strategies, techniques, and implementation plans for putting you back on your priority list? Order your copy of The Healthy Boundaries Master Class today! Visit the site at http://www.healthyboundariesnow.com.

5 Ways to Create Healthy Business Boundaries When the Kids are Home for the Summer (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-05-30T08:13:00.002-07:00

Have kids who need your attention?

Have a business that requires your time?

When the kids are home for the summer, it's a balancing act meeting the needs of both but here's where healthy business boundaries come in: you create your schedule and with that ability comes the power to make a living AND a life.

Here are 5 ways to adapt your small business productivity to a kids summer off schedule:

Create time chunks for business productivity and devote them to different categories of work. For example, you might allocate 20 minutes in the morning (before the kids get up) to social media, 30 minutes after the kids have lunch to email check-in and phone calls, and 2 hours at night (after the kids go to bed) to product development. Time chunking gives you the luxury of focused time AND time spent enjoying your children for the summer.
Change your business goal expectations for the summer. So many entrepreneurs forget this one simple truth: You're the boss applesauce! You get to call the shots. Don't be a slave driver to yourself. Your children only have 6-8 weeks of summer freedom, enjoyment and family time. Stop living as if every second missed in your business is a million dollars lost. Here's the truth: it's not. Your clients today will still be your clients on August 25th. Create summer goals and work hours that reflect your need to enjoy your children and then ramp up after Labor Day. You'll feel better about it and your kids will love the fact that mom or dad isn't stressed about "working" when they're "off."
Create three non-negotiable business tasks that can be performed three times a week and devote the necessary time to getting them done. What are the 3 major tasks of your business that NEED to be done in order for your business to continue to thrive? We all have To-Do lists a million miles long but when you're short on time, now's not the moment to create productivity schedules your time simply won't allow for. Whether it's blogging, writing, producing, filming, or networking with clients, decide what your top 3 are and commit to doing them 3 TIMES PER WEEK. You do not have to work on the business EVERY single day. Work smarter, not harder.
Involve your children in the JOY of your business. The other day, I hired my 15 year old as my social media assistant and since then, he's been logging in hours looking for articles on the web about creating healthy boundaries. In this way, he earns money (which he desperately wants so he can buy himself a car when he turns 16), gets to see what his mom does, and learns the value of a solid work ethic. It's a win-win. If you have younger kids, do a little presentation for them and answer the question that you're going to get asked A LOT at networking events, "What do you do?" Practice on the kids and if you get a 7 and 5 year old who clap and who "get" it, you'll certainly do well in a networking room full of hotshots.
Be okay with operating in slow motion. Here's the thing: hyper-drive is not a constant, 24/7 state. No one has a life who works their business 24/7. Talk to anyone who spends more time at work than they do at home (I'm talking 80/20) and you'll find a person who doesn't have much of a home life and who's relationships are on the brink of disaster. That, my friends, is a costly mistake lots of entrepreneurs make. There will never be a more solid investment of your time than in your family. Take your business slow and take your family time seriously. Nothing has to be decided today and whatever is for you will be for you after your kids' summer break ends.

Would you like more tips, techniques and strategies on how to create healthy business boundaries? Join my LinkedIn Group and learn more! ->Click HERE to Join<-

The 3 Hidden Dangers of Having Secret Boundaries (Read Time: 4 min.)

2012-05-25T21:20:00.001-07:00

Everybody has boundaries... but not everyone communicates those boundaries. In a book called "Boundaries", Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend indicate the following:

"An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them... If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation."

So... when you cover up your boundaries or pretend like someone bending your boundaries is okay, what are you really doing?

What are the hidden dangers of pretending

to not have the boundaries you really do have?

The reality is this: whenever you say "Yes" to something that you secretly want to say "No" to, you are delivering a fake yes with a strong negative undercurrent of a resentful "No." You may never say "No" directly and you may comply with the other person's needs but your obedience will be filled with resentment, anger, and frustration. You may not take any of that anger out on the person bending your boundary but you will find someone or something to project those feelings onto. At the end of the day, complying with a request that violates your boundaries costs you more than you realize and here are 3 hidden dangers of having secret boundaries (i.e. boundaries that you don't communicate but that get violated with your compliance to another person's request):

Hidden Danger #1: You lose respect for yourself. Any time you say "Yes" because you don't have the guts to say no, a piece of your self esteem and self respect get taken away. You criticize yourself more, judge yourself more and, before long, lose the ability to trust your inner knowing to guide future decisions.

Hidden Danger #2: You harbor a resentment that festers inside of you but never gets communicated to the person who needs to hear the truth. This resentment then lives inside of your body until it one day erupts in some form or another (forms that it can take include disease, stress, anxiety, rage, depression, etc.).

Hidden Danger #3: You use manipulation rather than boundary communication to adjust the boundary line. This tactic leaves you feeling like a coward. It becomes a way of life where you feel that in order to get your needs met, you have to trick people into meeting those needs. You begin to feel like a fraud and that leads you to feel unworthy of having any of your needs met. This is a slippery slope where you lose both your sense of integrity and your ability to ask for what you want.

At the end of the day, the cost of not openly communicating your boundaries is way higher than the temporary discomfort of having the truthful boundary conversation that needs to be had. No matter what your fears about expressing your needs, at some point, you have to decide whether you'll tell the truth or live a lie... and then you'll have to live with the consequences of that choice. Choose wisely...

What's the Price Tag on Your Self Respect? (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-05-13T16:22:00.002-07:00

How much are you willing to bend your boundaries to avoid conflict?

How often do you speak "Yes" only to swallow down regret, resentment, and anger?

What's the price tag on your self respect?

That's the issue of today's post:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T... namely, your own.

In life, no one's respect is more critical to your self esteem than yours is. Far too often, our choices rise and fall on the approval of other people. We think that love requires sacrifice and, yet, we act as if self-sacrifice is the condition upon which another person's love is based. If love comes at the high cost of your self-respect, then there are three things you need to be clear about when it comes to that love:

1) Any love you sacrifice self-respect for is CONDITIONAL. When the price of your self-respect is no longer adequate, that person will find something else in your soul to ransom.

2) Any person who cares more for their personal needs than your self-respect is a giver and not a taker. You are not in relationship with them. You are in servitude to them.

3) The kind of love you are bartering your self-respect for is a selfish kind of love and since love is not selfish, what you're sacrificing your self-respect for is not the love that you want or need. It's the love you're willing to settle for.

FINAL POINT: People who cut your self-respect by violating your boundaries will continue to do so until you teach them how to treat you in a healthy way. Words will not be enough. Consequences must follow a violation of your self-respect boundary. In life, you do not simply tell people your boundaries; you SHOW them...

How to Politely Say 'Back the Hell Off' with Boundaries (Read Time: 3 min.)

2012-05-12T07:40:00.001-07:00

Some people like to pick fights...

Others like to ALWAYS be right...

And some people (and, yes, I'm guilty of this) like to have the LAST word...

Whatever a person's boundary bending behavior, it's important to know that you can, in any conversation, at any point, call a time-out on communication that is no longer serving a purpose.

Here are a few signs that the conversation you're having with someone is probably wasting your time:

The conversation is moving away from open and leaning more towards defensive
The talk is one-sided with one person making all the demands and the other person fighting to get a word in
There's no reflective listening going on; no one's reflecting back what the other person is saying (i.e. trying to make sure that before he/she jumps to conclusions, he/she really understands what the other person is trying to say)
A patronizing or condescending tone of voice is being used (Look: we've all done this but the moment you start to hear "Yeah, right" or "Sure... uh huh..." or "Whatever", the conversation is going to hell in a hand basket)
The other person had a thesis or main point at the start of the conversation and, twenty minutes later, this person is still holding tightly to the "point", regardless of your input

When any of the above signs are in play in a communication, understand that your boundaries are on the way to (or are currently being) violated and you need to politely, clearly and completely communicate (through your boundaries): BACK THE HELL OFF...

Here's how you do that:

Call a literal time out: "We're going around in circles here. Why don't we take a 5 minute pause, get something to drink and then come back and try this again?"
If that doesn't work, call a physical time out: "What we're doing here is draining my energy. I really want to work through this with you and get to a place where I understand you more. In order to do that, I need to clear my head. I'm going to take a walk and I'll be back in twenty minutes. If you're ready to talk more then, let's go for it."
Call it what it is and stop the non-sense: "It seems as if all you care about is being right. Is that the point of this conversation?" Now, of course, the person will say "No, I don't always have to be right." Then you say: "Well what does a win look like for you in this conversation? What would you like to see happen here?" If the person is really about being "right", they won't have an answer for you. You'll see the 'deer in headlights' look and then they'll go right back into being right and you being wrong. At that point, you say, "Okay, so here's what we can do since we've talked about this issue over and over and nothing's changed. You can be right because you think you are and I'll be right because I think I am and we'll end this conversation and enjoy the rest of the day. How'd you like that?" Is that a sarcastic statement? Yes. But it's designed to get the person to see that 1) You are not backing down from your stance, 2) You could care less who's right and 3) If all they care about is being right, they can be right... ALONE.
Speak to the boundary violation and not the person. In other words, say to the person, "I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now. I feel like you're verbally attacking me and I know that's not what you want to do. But, for right now, I need this conversation to end until we both can come back to the table and feel safe and respected. When would you like to try this again?"
If all else fails, if the person insists on hammering out this conversation, get up, grab your stuff, look that person in the eye and say two things: "I've told you why this conversation is making me uncomfortable and you still aren't hearing it. Now I'm showing you. This conversation is over." And walk out... Done! It's called a boundary of distance. When boundary communication doesn't work, your last resort is always to use the boundary of distance. Notice that you don't run away. You don't escape away. You tell the person (in their face, eye-to-eye) what you are showing them and you then follow through with the consequence you said you would. This is the clearest way to teach someone else how to treat you. It's not enough to say what you will do; you actually have to do it.

4 Ways to Re-Establish Healthy Boundaries When You've Been Through Childhood Trauma (Read Time: 4 min.)

2012-05-07T12:42:00.001-07:00

Boundary development begins in infancy. Through attachment to parents, babies learn when and how to feel safe. They experience love, acceptance, and unconditional positive regard and this level of intimacy encourages them to develop healthy boundaries as adults.

But what happens when early childhood attachment isn't secure, when a child grows up with the uncertainty of divorce or the sudden grief that comes as a result of death of one or both parents or the constant danger of an abusive or drug addicted parent?

What happens to the child who was born feeling safe only to discover that the most intimate of spaces (i.e. mom and dad) is really the most dangerous of territories?

Earlyhood childhood trauma (loss, grief, abuse, neglect, or abandonment) all have serious repercussions on boundary development. Children go from needing love to needing acceptance so quickly that when parents are either not present (physically, emotionally or mentally) or are present but overbearing and/or abusive, children quickly replace boundaries with emotional walls. The innate sense of safety, in these situations, comes from the child doing whatever he or she has to do to protect him/herself.

Fast forward twenty years and you have an adult who doesn't trust his/her boundaries, doesn't trust the people he/she is supposed to trust most, and looks at the world through lonely eyes. Human begins need connection, relationship and a sense that they have someone to count on when the going gets tough. If your early years are spent protecting yourself from the people who are supposed to love you, your adult years are wasted pretending that you don't need the level of connection and attachment you failed to receive.

Here's the issue: early childhood trauma impairs boundary development but it doesn't have to end it. We continue to develop and refine our boundaries throughout our entire lives. Knowing where we are with our boundaries and how they got that way is a great place from which to redefine and recreate healthy boundaries.

If you've experienced boundary injuries early in childhood, here are 4 things you can do to re-establish healthy boundaries in any area of your life:

1) Pinpoint where in early childhood your boundary development was impaired. There is no better way to do this than to get the support and guidance of a licensed, mental health practitioner. A great therapist can go a long way in helping you uncover the key milestones in your childhood where you lost a sense of safety, felt an impaired sense of attachment and started putting up emotional walls. Can this be done on your own? Yes but it's better if you have the support and guidance of a therapist.

2) Give yourself permission to ask and answer. In order to create healthy boundaries, you have to be able to ask for what you want. More than that, you have to have the courage and the strength necessary to say 'No' to the things you don't want and 'Yes' to the things you do. You have to be able to ask for help and receive it, to speak your truth, regardless of who ends up feeling let down, set up, or disregarded. Remember: Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion but you don't have to make anyone else's opinion your fact. In The Healthy Boundaries Master Class, there are a series of audio lessons that teach you how to set limits with key people in your life.

3) Own the fact that you are now the adult who doesn't have to settle for the boundary injuries you took as a child. You are no longer at the mercy of a bigger, stronger adult. You are an adult. Even when dealing with parents, there's no amount of mistreatment that you have to accept. You are in a new realm and, in this realm, you get to call the shots. Own that.

4) Notice when you start to put up emotional walls and consciously and constructively bring then down by reminding yourself that all is well, you are safe, and you have the right to say yes or no as you please. Emotional walls are not boundaries. Boundaries breathe; they allow good things in and keep bad things out. Emotional walls block all things, keeping the bad out but also keeping the good from coming in. Emotional walls will never bring you love, connection or intimacy because they are erected on the understanding that to feel any of that would mean you would no longer be safe. A breach in your security is not a risk an emotional wall is willing to take. You don't want emotional walls to keep you from attaching to the people you really care for. When you know the difference between emotional walls and boundaries, you learn how to set your healthy boundaries firm without compromising the flexibility that comes in experiencing intimacy in relationship.

At the end of the day, childhood trauma has a major impact on boundary development but the impact doesn't have to permanent or lasting. You have the power to redefine and recreate healthy boundaries. It can occur if you take things step by step, recreating boundaries one day at a time, one step a a time, one relationship at a time. It can be done...