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Images from le Fashion.

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Alexander Wang Alla Leopard Wedges (or)

Alexander Wang Alla Wedge

Acne Hybridia Suede Wedge

Lonely Hearts Cut Out Bra and Brief Set

T by Alexander Wang Ponte Criss Cross Bra

T by Alexander Wang V-Cut Bra

From Jak & Jil Blog.

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Circa Survive concert Nov. 6th with Giselle.
New York December 16-22 with Raquel.
Plans to visit Brian in Japan (not so likely, given $)
Plans to visit Jesse in Germany/or travel to Eur somewhere… Here’s to hoping. I have until August of next year to figure out if I can save enough money.

Graduation is approaching in December. And then it’s time to start my life. I have no clue what I’m doing, where I’m going, what I want to do. Today I had an appointment with Career Services and Chris helped me out a little. There’s an assessment test I need to take on the Career Services website … unfortunately I didn’t get an access code to logon – so I’ll have to go BACK tomorrow to get that. Options.

When it comes down to it, I can make a good impression, sell my skillsets; I’m not worried about finding something I’m good at or passionate about because I can be passionate about anything and excel. I just need someone to narrow it down for me because I’m completely open to new ideas and trying out career paths I never knew existed. But what are those available paths?? That’s *my* question. And I need HELP. Time is going by so quickly.

MONEY. I feel so poor right now. It’s like… what can I sell status! Haha.

Jesse and I want to learn French, and write letters to one another. Talk about tough. Uh, I don’t even know how to pronounce most French words – Spanish, German, Japanese – no problem. French requires some kind of oral finesse that I’m not so sure I possess.

One of my life goals is to be well-traveled and speak a few different languages. Travel the world. Make friends all over the world, fly in planes to visit them, speak in their native tongues. A chic lifestyle. Making plans makes me happy. I love having things to look forward to; if I can’t look forward to something I feel restless, like I’m not moving fast enough.

• Bikram Yoga twice a week. Mondays 7am – get my dayweek going! And one other time during the week with Kae.
• Farmer’s market fresh fruit and vegetables.
• I need to start cooking again. It brought me great joy, way to save money, and get healthy again.

There comes a moment when you realize you’ve lost focus and have to start taking care of yourself again.

If I could live a life without needing sleep… I would be the most efficient me. I function, get ideas, feel alive, feel productive at night. That’s when my brain is working its magic. But there is something so very special to me about the creativity of dreams that draws me back to sleep. And sleep comes so easy. I really need to read Beggars in Spain.

Today I went to Borders and Home Depot with Jesse. At Borders we both purchased Let the Right One In. I’m excited to read that… the movie was brilliant and I can only imagine that the novel will be equally impressive. Gore be damned, I’m going to read this. And then Jesse gave me her copy of Boneshaker! I don’t typically read too much Science Fiction but after our class it’s pretty legit stuff. It touches on things I discuss in my Philosophy classes but on a very literary imaginary world sort of level. And I kept meaning to buy plants for my house! But it just never happened. And then today Jesse helped me out by picking some plants for me and I got them. Let’s get a little life and fresh air in this place.

I am in a different place right now, than I used to be. Wine and late night talks. Drives up the mountain to see some late night stars. This independence puts me in the right state of mind. I love feeling like I have changed, matured. The best part is that I can sense the change. A to B. Distance. Time. Mental maturity.

Just driving to the post office to mail a care package for my uncle makes me feel… different. That I’m living on my own, can get into my car, and gift something to someone gives me this feeling. I can’t quite label it. Locking the door every morning, unlocking my car, getting into it, and going somewhere, and then doing it again the next day in different clothing – also gives me that feeling. I am doing things… things associated with… Change, Independence. I don’t know how to explain that feeling. If I were to capture in a video every morning when I walk out and lock the front door in a new outfit everyday, it’s like… a life is being lived. There’s something stable but yet NEW about every day… and I don’t know how to explain it.

My goal is to become an early morning kind of person. I want to have enough time in the morning to take a leisurely shower, make some coffee or tea, read a little, eat breakfast, and then head on out. As it is I’m lucky if I have enough time to grab a slice of bread and take it on the go. Sleep here becomes a barrier for me. I can stay awake doing stuff at night, no problem. But I can also pass out immediately. It’s a gift I’ve been given. The problem that lies herein comes from rising out of my deep and precious sleep. The sheets are so comforting, the warmth so reassuring, the dreams so ethereal. It’s like living two lives. The dream world and the real world. I want to stay as long as possible in either world, but the transition from one to the next is so very difficult for me.

For the longest time I have not had my red Moleskine. I do not know how I lost it, but since then I haven’t had something to carry around with me to take notes. I need something to write things those fleeting thoughts down. My mind is a confection of little thoughts that need to come together as one. There’s so much to think about these days. I need to write more and more frequently.

Goodnight!

In my little heart I have a soft spot for Noir Victorian lace, booties, oxfords, etc., and maybe you can tell a little from some of my current shoe lusts but… NUDE and COGNAC colors are definitely infiltrating my dreams. I noticed a lot of my wardrobe consists of jewel tone colors and I associate that with a child’s wardrobe. NUDE, WHITE, HEATHER GREY, BLUSH PINK – these are all colors I associate with chic women. And so the goal now is to slowly donate, or otherwise gift a lot of the clothes I currently own to make room for a new kind of wardrobe.

If I had all the money in the world I’d get myself some o’ these:

Jeffrey Campbell Charli Platform Clog

Sam Edelman Zoe Wedge Bootie

Aldo Nold Wedge bootie

Aldo Mignogna Wedge Heel

Aldo Narain Oxford High Heel Bootie

Aldo Destime Platform Heel

Miu Miu White Round-Toe Lattice Pumps

Topshop “Super High Platform” shoe circa 2007 I’d die to get a hold of these!

Finsk Suede Wedge

Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t mention my beautiful white Michael Kors watch. And that makes me feel like my purchase is completely warranted and a total staple item in my wardrobe. I mean, it’s been converted into my everyday watch, that’s for sure. At some point, I’ll need to switch it up though so that this watch doesn’t ever get “old” in my or anyone else’s eyes.

Resolution: Visit Brian in Kyoto, Japan next year.  Definitely, this will require a biiig savings… but I can do it! If I resolve to go sometime in early 2011, I think it’s definitely manageable, just before I start looking for jobs and after I graduate. Graduation: December. So this is a realistic goal, I think.

I definitely have another essay to write tonight, this one a 6-pager. The prompt is up to me, which is not the best thing to be honest. I rather have a predetermined question that I can just answer straightaway. Good thing this isn’t due until midnight. I can do it, I just rather get it done sooner than later. And yet, that is why I am here procrastinating… hm.

Whoops… forgot to publish this at 12:30am this morning so now… 11 hours later, it’s published! (:

At this point I’m even debating whether I really need two minors to graduate. I sort of just want to graduate already. I’m so so soooo sick of school. It’s the furthest thing from my mind most days. I mean, all my assignments get done but this quarter – if I didn’t need to attend a class, I didn’t. Which is really bad of course. I think I’m only REALLY lucky that most of the assignments for my courses were essays. And *everyone* knows that is my strong point. Though that’s hardly indicative given my poor writing style on my blog. Gotta be casual somewhere, right!? Anyway, yeah lots of As and Bs on my assignments this quarter. Nothing below, not to my knowledge. So that’s good stuff. Hurrah. A few essays stand in my way of finishing this forsaken quarter.

The tough part is that I get a week off and then summer school. BLAH. All for the sake of graduating early, I need to remember that.

There is still the question as to what I am going to do after I graduate. My mother has already expressed the uselessness of my degree, yet claims people are always hiring. Oh how conflicted I am. I know the road to great things lies in graduate school. But how I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to go. Somewhere along the way, I realized school is just one really long stepping stone. And I’m not very patient. And I always need to experience new things, get out of my comfort zone. For so long, school has been that “comfort zone” where we (students) don’t have to face real life yet. I’m BEYOND scared of meeting REAL LIFE where the competition is TOUGH… but I am also just so ready to get there already (remember: very little patience).

Why is it so much faster to crank out 500 words or personal blabber as opposed to an essay?! I mean, if I had written one of my essays this fast, that would have been HEAVEN (two of them have to be 900 words each). All these restrictions cramp my style. I mean, the essay is going to be longer than 900 words, but still…

I’ve got some serious issues underway. BPD, possibly. It’s my new disorder of choice. And some form of compulsion. I need to get my life back together. Without the assistance of a professional.

What occurred to me at dinner last night was that I keep hanging out with really cool people, but that I have very little in common with. I don’t know if that means that I am not cool myself or what, but ugh. I ran into a friend that I hadn’t seen in MONTHS because … I don’t know… but we just started chatting and I felt suddenly SOCIAL and ALIVE again. Those are things I have not felt for months. Having similar interests really is important. That’s sad, to be perfectly honest. But also I’m sick of the drama, the tension, the constant NEGATIVE ENERGY. I know it’s because the current people in my life and I have little to nothing in common anymore. It’s no one’s fault, it just happens that way.

Where are the people that make me feel ALIVE? I need a new group of friends. Somewhere in between 12th grade and the moment at which I find myself now, I lost the ability to make new friends. Most, if not all of the friends I have now, I have met through someone I already knew.

My cousin (who of course I already knew prior to 12th grade) introduced me to most of the people I know today.
Nefertiti, who I knew in middle school, introduced me to Rona.

And so on.

Life is giving me a headache. So I run away to really distant places to be alone, with bustling cars, bright lights, and friendly strangers. Or to barren mountains and sparkling stars with the city lights burning down below. Anything to get me away from the things I can no longer relate with. So no, don’t call me apathetic about your issues. They’re just not my issues with which to deal or fight for. And I’m sorry for that.

WOW, wtf! This started out as a “congrats 4 years to my lil’ blog” and turned into an honest yet emotionally neutral explanation on where I am right now.

Don’t take offense if you’re included in this. I’m being completely HONEST and my tone is neither negative or positive. Just real.

♥♥

(877 words, incredible)

It’s Spring/Summer sale season! Oh Miu Miu.

Roberto Cavalli Eva Snake Coil Watch, $798
I wouldn’t even dream of buying this because it’s so expensive. Very beautiful design though!

* * *

I’m really tired of not caring, and I’m also really tired of caring – at the same fucking time.

Maybe I’m doing all this stupid shit because I want someone else to do the caring. But if people found out they’d be pissed, “you know better”, “why are you causing problems?”, etc. I don’t want attention, no, just… CARE.

Everyone else is always up to something. Good or bad. I’m up to nothing. I have no successes, nothing to talk about, no excitement. So I need to start living for something to do… I can’t stand life as it is now. Whatever favors I can do for others, I’ll try because it gives me something to do. So much for altruism. But the fact is, that despite being self-motivated, doing favors for others brings me no increased joy, no increased fulfillment of any sort. And so why perform these actions? The actions are for the greater utility, with my time, someone else’s happiness, etc.

It is absolutely getting harder to fake emotions. I have very little emotion to show. I’m still empathetic, but me showing emotion requires too much energy and strength. I mean “yay glad you were able to do such and such” and “hope you’re successful at x and y” but must I really say it? Must I really listen?

I want to do things, not sit idly and listen or whatever. I want to have my own stories, but feel no need to share them anyway. I just want my own story, have something to do. *sigh*

But since there is little for me to do anyway, I am making rounds, listening to people, sitting with them while everyone goes on and on and on and on about all the things happening to them. Me, silent. Or I feel like sitting in silence. I feel, don’t doubt that, but there just is no desire to show just how much I feel. Whatever emotion I show plays little part in the unveiling of any events in anyone’s life.

I want to stay in bed all day and sleep. My non-existence would not make a difference in anyone’s life. Ugh. Not a suicidal gesture, just absolutely feeling worthless in this world. I make no difference in it and don’t really care to either. My problem is APATHY, and aha don’t even care to fix it. What a fucking conundrum.

MAC; already purchased, heard this sold out in 2-3 hours everywhere.

Nordies. I need LACE in my life.

Topshop; these are sold out EVERYWHERE and is no longer within my ability to own… for which I am very very very sad.

Aldo; so pretty… except I already know that all Aldo shoes are extremely uncomfortable… the two pairs of Aldo shoes I have hurt and I love/hate them. Sigh.

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Bob: What do you do?
Charlotte: I’m not sure yet, actually. I just graduated last spring.
Bob: What did you study?
Charlotte: Philosophy.
Bob: Yeah, there’s a good buck in that racket.
Charlotte: Well, so far it’s pro bono.

Oh you know, I’m graduating with a philosophy degree end of this calendar year and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Leave it to a great movie to express my fears with such simplicity. Law school, I’m looking at you. Totally never in my plan, not even a passion of mine… it’s what most Philosophy majors do and hence seems the LOGICAL thing to do… harharhar. Yeah, logic. That’s philosophy alright.

Can someone give me a hobby? I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t figure out what to do with my life, with myself, with anything. It’s 10pm, and I watched a movie today, ate one meal, went to both my classes, cleaned my room, ran some errands so that I could organize my room, and slept. Maybe that’s a well-rounded day for some people but I’m bored to tears.

It’s not even about being alone anymore. No one shares similar interests with me and that’s fine – it doesn’t matter anymore. I just wish I had more interests, period. Maybe then I’d be able to occupy my time with something more meaningful.

I did the Lemon Detox for five days and then went home on Saturday to celebrate Mother’s Day with the family and so I ate. If I hadn’t eaten it would have set a bad example for my brother… anyway, the detox went well. I’m down to do it again. I feel better. It gave me something to do.

Oh  yes, my hair is now a new color. It’s this caramel-y color. It took a second to get used to. It’s easier to look glowy and sunkissed with this hair. Perfect for summer. I need to think up more errands so I can fill my time with something, anything.

Worse than feeling lonely is feeling lonely and knowing no one that feels the same.

I don’t want to commit to a strict length of time for this detox, but I’m thinking somewhere between 5 and 7 days. I don’t think 10 days ventures into healthy territory for me. I’m only 21… don’t think I need that much of a cleanse… (:

Day 1 (Monday) – Really hard. I was craving everything under the sun. Healthy Breakfast + 4 cups.

Day 2 – Still pretty hard. No longer craving as many things, but some mild stomach discomfort set in. 8 cups.

Day 3 – Woke up with a lot of energy and earlier than usual. One of the reasons for getting on this detox is because I was still feeling tired after sleeping 10 hours, and just sluggish all day. The day went pretty well. Accompanied friends to go get pho (…! and I resisted), though there was some mild boredom and it felt easier to just go out and eat. Late at night I was starting to feel hunger pangs so I drank a few more sips of lemonade and went to bed at around midnight. 6 cups.

Day 4 – Woke up reluctantly to write an essay, but again full of energy. Not so many cravings anymore but any food seems sufficient to fulfill the hunger void. Though I shouldn’t be hungry… I should keep making more lemonade, but I have only a short break between classes today so it has to wait.