In my little heart I have a soft spot for Noir Victorian lace, booties, oxfords, etc., and maybe you can tell a little from some of my current shoe lusts but… NUDE and COGNAC colors are definitely infiltrating my dreams. I noticed a lot of my wardrobe consists of jewel tone colors and I associate that with a child’s wardrobe. NUDE, WHITE, HEATHER GREY, BLUSH PINK – these are all colors I associate with chic women. And so the goal now is to slowly donate, or otherwise gift a lot of the clothes I currently own to make room for a new kind of wardrobe.

If I had all the money in the world I’d get myself some o’ these:

Jeffrey Campbell Charli Platform Clog

Sam Edelman Zoe Wedge Bootie

Aldo Nold Wedge bootie

Aldo Mignogna Wedge Heel

Aldo Narain Oxford High Heel Bootie

Aldo Destime Platform Heel

Miu Miu White Round-Toe Lattice Pumps

Topshop “Super High Platform” shoe circa 2007 I’d die to get a hold of these!

Finsk Suede Wedge

Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t mention my beautiful white Michael Kors watch. And that makes me feel like my purchase is completely warranted and a total staple item in my wardrobe. I mean, it’s been converted into my everyday watch, that’s for sure. At some point, I’ll need to switch it up though so that this watch doesn’t ever get “old” in my or anyone else’s eyes.

Resolution: Visit Brian in Kyoto, Japan next year.  Definitely, this will require a biiig savings… but I can do it! If I resolve to go sometime in early 2011, I think it’s definitely manageable, just before I start looking for jobs and after I graduate. Graduation: December. So this is a realistic goal, I think.

I definitely have another essay to write tonight, this one a 6-pager. The prompt is up to me, which is not the best thing to be honest. I rather have a predetermined question that I can just answer straightaway. Good thing this isn’t due until midnight. I can do it, I just rather get it done sooner than later. And yet, that is why I am here procrastinating… hm.

Whoops… forgot to publish this at 12:30am this morning so now… 11 hours later, it’s published! (:

At this point I’m even debating whether I really need two minors to graduate. I sort of just want to graduate already. I’m so so soooo sick of school. It’s the furthest thing from my mind most days. I mean, all my assignments get done but this quarter – if I didn’t need to attend a class, I didn’t. Which is really bad of course. I think I’m only REALLY lucky that most of the assignments for my courses were essays. And *everyone* knows that is my strong point. Though that’s hardly indicative given my poor writing style on my blog. Gotta be casual somewhere, right!? Anyway, yeah lots of As and Bs on my assignments this quarter. Nothing below, not to my knowledge. So that’s good stuff. Hurrah. A few essays stand in my way of finishing this forsaken quarter.

The tough part is that I get a week off and then summer school. BLAH. All for the sake of graduating early, I need to remember that.

There is still the question as to what I am going to do after I graduate. My mother has already expressed the uselessness of my degree, yet claims people are always hiring. Oh how conflicted I am. I know the road to great things lies in graduate school. But how I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to go. Somewhere along the way, I realized school is just one really long stepping stone. And I’m not very patient. And I always need to experience new things, get out of my comfort zone. For so long, school has been that “comfort zone” where we (students) don’t have to face real life yet. I’m BEYOND scared of meeting REAL LIFE where the competition is TOUGH… but I am also just so ready to get there already (remember: very little patience).

Why is it so much faster to crank out 500 words or personal blabber as opposed to an essay?! I mean, if I had written one of my essays this fast, that would have been HEAVEN (two of them have to be 900 words each). All these restrictions cramp my style. I mean, the essay is going to be longer than 900 words, but still…

I’ve got some serious issues underway. BPD, possibly. It’s my new disorder of choice. And some form of compulsion. I need to get my life back together. Without the assistance of a professional.

What occurred to me at dinner last night was that I keep hanging out with really cool people, but that I have very little in common with. I don’t know if that means that I am not cool myself or what, but ugh. I ran into a friend that I hadn’t seen in MONTHS because … I don’t know… but we just started chatting and I felt suddenly SOCIAL and ALIVE again. Those are things I have not felt for months. Having similar interests really is important. That’s sad, to be perfectly honest. But also I’m sick of the drama, the tension, the constant NEGATIVE ENERGY. I know it’s because the current people in my life and I have little to nothing in common anymore. It’s no one’s fault, it just happens that way.

Where are the people that make me feel ALIVE? I need a new group of friends. Somewhere in between 12th grade and the moment at which I find myself now, I lost the ability to make new friends. Most, if not all of the friends I have now, I have met through someone I already knew.

My cousin (who of course I already knew prior to 12th grade) introduced me to most of the people I know today.
Nefertiti, who I knew in middle school, introduced me to Rona.

And so on.

Life is giving me a headache. So I run away to really distant places to be alone, with bustling cars, bright lights, and friendly strangers. Or to barren mountains and sparkling stars with the city lights burning down below. Anything to get me away from the things I can no longer relate with. So no, don’t call me apathetic about your issues. They’re just not my issues with which to deal or fight for. And I’m sorry for that.

WOW, wtf! This started out as a “congrats 4 years to my lil’ blog” and turned into an honest yet emotionally neutral explanation on where I am right now.

Don’t take offense if you’re included in this. I’m being completely HONEST and my tone is neither negative or positive. Just real.

♥♥

(877 words, incredible)

It’s Spring/Summer sale season! Oh Miu Miu.

Roberto Cavalli Eva Snake Coil Watch, $798
I wouldn’t even dream of buying this because it’s so expensive. Very beautiful design though!

* * *

I’m really tired of not caring, and I’m also really tired of caring – at the same fucking time.

Maybe I’m doing all this stupid shit because I want someone else to do the caring. But if people found out they’d be pissed, “you know better”, “why are you causing problems?”, etc. I don’t want attention, no, just… CARE.

Everyone else is always up to something. Good or bad. I’m up to nothing. I have no successes, nothing to talk about, no excitement. So I need to start living for something to do… I can’t stand life as it is now. Whatever favors I can do for others, I’ll try because it gives me something to do. So much for altruism. But the fact is, that despite being self-motivated, doing favors for others brings me no increased joy, no increased fulfillment of any sort. And so why perform these actions? The actions are for the greater utility, with my time, someone else’s happiness, etc.

It is absolutely getting harder to fake emotions. I have very little emotion to show. I’m still empathetic, but me showing emotion requires too much energy and strength. I mean “yay glad you were able to do such and such” and “hope you’re successful at x and y” but must I really say it? Must I really listen?

I want to do things, not sit idly and listen or whatever. I want to have my own stories, but feel no need to share them anyway. I just want my own story, have something to do. *sigh*

But since there is little for me to do anyway, I am making rounds, listening to people, sitting with them while everyone goes on and on and on and on about all the things happening to them. Me, silent. Or I feel like sitting in silence. I feel, don’t doubt that, but there just is no desire to show just how much I feel. Whatever emotion I show plays little part in the unveiling of any events in anyone’s life.

I want to stay in bed all day and sleep. My non-existence would not make a difference in anyone’s life. Ugh. Not a suicidal gesture, just absolutely feeling worthless in this world. I make no difference in it and don’t really care to either. My problem is APATHY, and aha don’t even care to fix it. What a fucking conundrum.

MAC; already purchased, heard this sold out in 2-3 hours everywhere.

Nordies. I need LACE in my life.

Topshop; these are sold out EVERYWHERE and is no longer within my ability to own… for which I am very very very sad.

Aldo; so pretty… except I already know that all Aldo shoes are extremely uncomfortable… the two pairs of Aldo shoes I have hurt and I love/hate them. Sigh.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Bob: What do you do?
Charlotte: I’m not sure yet, actually. I just graduated last spring.
Bob: What did you study?
Charlotte: Philosophy.
Bob: Yeah, there’s a good buck in that racket.
Charlotte: Well, so far it’s pro bono.

Oh you know, I’m graduating with a philosophy degree end of this calendar year and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Leave it to a great movie to express my fears with such simplicity. Law school, I’m looking at you. Totally never in my plan, not even a passion of mine… it’s what most Philosophy majors do and hence seems the LOGICAL thing to do… harharhar. Yeah, logic. That’s philosophy alright.

Can someone give me a hobby? I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t figure out what to do with my life, with myself, with anything. It’s 10pm, and I watched a movie today, ate one meal, went to both my classes, cleaned my room, ran some errands so that I could organize my room, and slept. Maybe that’s a well-rounded day for some people but I’m bored to tears.

It’s not even about being alone anymore. No one shares similar interests with me and that’s fine – it doesn’t matter anymore. I just wish I had more interests, period. Maybe then I’d be able to occupy my time with something more meaningful.

I did the Lemon Detox for five days and then went home on Saturday to celebrate Mother’s Day with the family and so I ate. If I hadn’t eaten it would have set a bad example for my brother… anyway, the detox went well. I’m down to do it again. I feel better. It gave me something to do.

Oh  yes, my hair is now a new color. It’s this caramel-y color. It took a second to get used to. It’s easier to look glowy and sunkissed with this hair. Perfect for summer. I need to think up more errands so I can fill my time with something, anything.

Worse than feeling lonely is feeling lonely and knowing no one that feels the same.

I don’t want to commit to a strict length of time for this detox, but I’m thinking somewhere between 5 and 7 days. I don’t think 10 days ventures into healthy territory for me. I’m only 21… don’t think I need that much of a cleanse… (:

Day 1 (Monday) – Really hard. I was craving everything under the sun. Healthy Breakfast + 4 cups.

Day 2 – Still pretty hard. No longer craving as many things, but some mild stomach discomfort set in. 8 cups.

Day 3 – Woke up with a lot of energy and earlier than usual. One of the reasons for getting on this detox is because I was still feeling tired after sleeping 10 hours, and just sluggish all day. The day went pretty well. Accompanied friends to go get pho (…! and I resisted), though there was some mild boredom and it felt easier to just go out and eat. Late at night I was starting to feel hunger pangs so I drank a few more sips of lemonade and went to bed at around midnight. 6 cups.

Day 4 – Woke up reluctantly to write an essay, but again full of energy. Not so many cravings anymore but any food seems sufficient to fulfill the hunger void. Though I shouldn’t be hungry… I should keep making more lemonade, but I have only a short break between classes today so it has to wait.

Feel free to stop reading here.

It’s come to my attention that DP doesn’t approve of my … I mean what should I call it? Habit? New habit. No, ugh that just sounds bad. My new extracurricular activity? Lol… wtf. Anyway, the disapproval is getting to me. I’ve been ignoring that what I’m doing is wrong, and goes completely against who I am. Yet here I am, partaking in this activity several times a day or daily somewhat. I mean, it’s NOT daily but it seems that way. I did stop completely for a bit over three months, but then when I start again it’s … pretty consistently happening. Though I don’t think it’s been interfering with anything I do, it’s still wrong. I shouldn’t try in any way to justify it.

My freshman self would never have thought that I’d be partaking in something like this. It’s just not who I am. I mean, or is it?

The question is whether I’m ready to accept this as part of my identity or throw it out. I wish I could say that I want to stop, that I’m ready to move on yadda yadda. The real deal is that I’m only getting started and I want to find out what more there is to this new part of my identity.

Real talk. It helps pass the time. At some point, I get very tired of consciously feeling the time trickling slowly while I waste away doing absolutely nothing. So enter this activity that helps me NOT notice the time. Geezus, if anyone is reading this I wonder what you think it is. Lmao. Yeah, it’s an escapist sort of thing to do. For a really long time, I haven’t been able to face anything… I think I’m acting how MOST people act, though. MOST people don’t dwell on “emo” shit and ponder why they feel such and such. I’ve hit that stage in my life where I just dgaf. Yet I know that my addictive personality is going to lead me astray with this shit. I’m trying to think about THIS now, while I still can.

It’s really hard to talk to anyone about this. Most people don’t think anything OF IT when they do this. It’s just a thing to do. But I’m starting to worry that I’m falling victim to boredom. There is no excuse. But, that’s just assuming that what I’m doing is inexcusable. Is that really the case? How is it any different from something else most of America partakes in? AHHHHH I am so confused.

CONFESS.

• I miss Paris. I didn’t really like Rome quite as much, though their food is beyond amazing.
• I tried frog legs and escargot in Paris and loooved them both. (: It’s just harder to find a good restaurant.
• Got really fucking drunk for the first time in my life two weekends ago. Was super beyond hungover at work the next day, threw up, pretended it was a stomach flu and went home. Then slept for 14 hours. Then went home for Easter.
• My weekends are getting a little ridiculous. (LOVELOVELOVE IT)
• Celebrated Edgar’s 21st birthday on Saturday in LA at a Mexican restaurant called El Cholo.
• On the way there, got into a car accident. There was stop and go traffic on the freeway and at this point I was completely stopped for a few seconds. Next thing you know, dumb bitch on the phone hits the back of my car (while she’s going mid-70s mph), in which I hit the car in front of me and they hit the car in front of them. It was a hot fucking mess, and I’m really more irritated by it than anything. I’ll be carless as they fix it but naturally I’ll still have to go to WORK. UGH!
• Got back home Sunday at 5am after a fucking random ass trippy hang with Piale and David in Downey. Then yannoe, woke up after a few hours and went to work. Lmao.
• I’ve resolved to volunteer this quarter and hopefully on into summer and onwardssss.
• My work hours are getting in the way of volunteering opportunities or attending graduate school workshops.
• I’m so torn between prioritizing. What comes first? School or work? I mean, I need to work to pay off school but I can’t even completely focus on school because of work. I don’t know what to do sometimes.
• While I do stress over financial things… paying the bills, rent (esp. since I’m living in a house next year, had to do a deposit, etc.), I do take enjoyment out of figuring out numbers.

How I hate being what I consider a “jack of all trades.” I’m above average at a great many things, but not exceptional at any one thing. My family sat around the jacuzzi and we discussed starting from me down to all the children what they envisioned our future careers to be, and as I was first – I was there and listened. The ideas ranged from writer to medical field to technological expertise to who knows what. Those are all so wildly different. I’m graduating at the end of this calendar year. There are only a few months to go before my safety net (school) is gone. I don’t have to decide anything while I’m here in school because most of my waking hours aren’t spent working a job. But then you know, I’ll have all this time… PANIC.

It’s hard enough as it is to find a job given the economic climate, but … I have another much more pressing issue… I don’t even know what jobs to apply for because I don’t know what I want to do at all. Yeah I’m still young and if I don’t like a certain job I can move on yeahyeah but I don’t want to just apply ANYWHERE. And what if no one wants to hire me? I mean, it’s one thing to apply at part-time jobs (where too many people hired me and I had to say no) from a full-time real job. Fuck, I’m really scared. I WISH I at least knew what sorts of jobs to be on the lookout for and that would make a world of difference.

David keeps telling me to apply to grad school – but I just don’t know what my passions are, what I’d apply for because that means knowing what I want to specialize in afterward in a career. I STILL DO NOT KNOW. Definitely in this day and age I feel grad school is a necessity. College just doesn’t seem to count for much anymore, at least not to me. I mean, I know in terms of accessibility to those that it is less accessible it’s still a gigantic feat to accomplish, but that’s not the sense in which I mean it. I suppose, as soon as I have “accomplished” something, I feel like… it’s not worth anything at all… which might just betray that I don’t think very highly of myself. No matter what I do, it’s never anything to be proud of, nothing worth talking about. “Accomplishments are transient” as they say, and there’s always moremoremore that needs to be done. I just don’t think that I’ll ever feel anything I do is enough.

I mean, nah I’m not mopey… just really… panicked. Time speeds on by and not enough ever gets done.

Btw, Blue Sky Noise… is the shiiiiiit. (:

• Dance Gavin Dance
• Harvard
• Animal Collective
• Portugal. The Man
• Lovedrug
• As Tall As Lions

It’s been a great dayyyy for music. Too bad I lost my iPod in Las Vegas this weekend. It’s fine, whatever… all my music is on my computer. But I’ll need to get a new one soon. I’ll only last so long without my iPod, especially since I got a car for my birthday. Brand new beautiful car. (: K, that is all for today.

I can’t get started from the part where I left off yesterday
Should have spent my time a little wiser
I sat alone
Guilty as sin
Waiting for words to come
From out of my head
Still making sense to anyone

I can’t wait to understand the reason
I’ve yet to translate any meaning
Besides, it’s not worth it to try

Yesterday was a sloppy mess. I shouldn’t be this affected. My act needs to come back together. The past does not matter (though it has completely fucked me over in the present). I have to try to remember that. The future will come and it will bring about change, it has to… or life is meaningless.

My favorite band is releasing their third album on 4/20. This is just one of the songs on there. It’s addicting, and so absolutely brilliant.

Get out

Lock myself up in a room without a window
Just to see if it was any easier to breathe
I was wrong

Never underestimate the daylight
There it’s so much easier to breathe

If you allow something so unnecessary
get you down there’s no one else to blame

we need something stronger
something extra strength

In an attempt to 1. procrastinate and 2. clean up my computer, I decided to re-organize my files and delete irrelevant files. From Monday to today I’ve been in a pretty bad mood. Resigned to failure (as I mentioned in my previous entry), etc. But I found a file on my computer labeled, “turningpoint.html” and naturally, I was inclined to open it. 10/15/2004:

t ea r s of ei r: I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m not feeling happy now.
Tenor player: That’s too bad something the matter?
t ea r s of ei r: Yeah … somewhat.
Tenor player: That blows, you could always blow it off or just talk about it to whoever sometimes that helps
t ea r s of ei r: I could talk about it with you but not like you’d give a shit.
t ea r s of ei r: And I don’t blow things off.
Tenor player 973: K, well if you want to talk just go right ahead
t ea r s of ei r: And you’ll listen w/o insulting me?
Tenor player: If you wish, besides I think I won’t be insulting you as much from now on
t ea r s of ei r: Why would that be, hm?
Tenor player: A question of mine has been answered with such a little sliver of doubt that I don’t doubt the answer. Anyway continue with your troubles if you are so inclined

For the longest time my AIM saved conversations (as I am frightfully forgetful, and were there for reference). After re-reading the conversation I realized that very rarely was I able to ~talk~ about anything because everyone assumes I’m normal/happy/composed. As I’ve gotten older, that’s less true. People in the real world understand that real people have real problems, they’re just not blatantly out in the open. Or maybe people still think I’m the perfect picture of togetherness, who knows.

Anyway, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders now. I got a very uncomfortable feeling reading the conversation… for one, the problem that was bothering me then is now solved, sort of… after a gazillion years, but then there is this sad realization that from 2004 to 2010 I still can’t talk about my problems (oh I wonder why!). Yet, something about the conversation making me uncomfortable made me realize that I don’t need to share my feelings to feel better (because it makes me uncomfortable). So the solution to my current talk-phobia isn’t finding someone that cares, which is a relief, because that’s one tough to find solution. Hence, why I feel lighter, happier. Another solution must be out there.

Somehow, I doubt any of this makes sense. It almost seems counter-productive to regress into a shell. But I don’t think that’s what has happened here today.

Happiness is boring. Depression is catastrophic.

Last night I had champagne, red wine, vodka, tequila, and beer. Lmfao… so I wait 21 years to drink right…? And soon as I turn there’s like a fucking platter of all the alcoholic drinks I can have right in front of me and I dive in. Not gonna lie, I experienced drunk-ness for the first time, but I didn’t do anything I wouldn’t have done sober. I already dance like no tomorrow without alcohol. So whatever.

High points: Mom and Aunt surprising me and treating myself and friends to dinner at Ca Dario downtown; Getting some CRAZY ass lapdances from Moonie, Sebastian, and David; I do recall Seb asking me, “do you like it?” while running my arm down his body (I couldn’t stop laughing); my fave lapdance was Moonie’s… awkward!; having a real talk with Sandy and Rona (I guess difference is… I actually talk when I drink — woah woah).

Low points: Working for six hours on my birthday; Crashing my aunt’s Mercedes in a tiny street just before work (urghhhhh); almost crying at work because I fucked up; borrowing my Mom’s BMW (it’s awful to drive… yeah, it’s convertible, but the steering wheel is really heavy/stiff and hard to move, the brakes are too sensitive [I barely press down and the car is practically stopped already], and being UNABLE to see anything because of the design of the car). Not many people would whine and complain about a BMW, but uhm… it’s very frustrating as a driver to switch cars like that (though I did mess up big time), and really disliking the way the new car drives.

Vegas with family, family friends, and friends this upcoming weekend!!!!! (; WOOT WOOT WOOT. SOOOO EXCITING.

TODAY… 8-hour work day. I hadn’t eaten breakfast when I got to work but I was still suprisingly in a good mood. And I went above and beyond for clients today. It was just a good-mood work day. But soon as I had to drive back home, I got in a bad mood because driving the BMW really absofreakinglutely frustrates me. So now I’m just grumpy… D:

There is way too much going on these days. I feel tense, like I work tomorrow or something and don’t have enough time, but I don’t work any more days this week. Thank god, because hw-galore.

Re-reading my entry, I realize I’m sort of sad… despite the excitement. ): I feel very… resigned to failure or something. Yadda yadda.

Niiight.