We've been hearing from readers lately that ghosting is at an all-time high. We believe that most often the ghoster is going to disappear into thin air no matter what you do (commitment phobia alert!).

That said, when Bustle reached out asking about unknowingly creepy behaviors that sabotage new relationships, this got us thinking, and tawking. Check the list, are you exhibiting any of these 16 creepy no-nos? If so, we have the goods to help put an end to Twilight Zone dating behavior.

Alyssa Bunn, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

1. You reject yourself. 

The “I’m too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too whatever” is an awful mind trap that leaves you feeling empty, angry, and alone. It’s one of the worst habits we have in our culture, a powerful degradation of yourself in front of your partner, and a sure-fire way to creep your partner out. After all, do the things you reject even matter, and if they do, why would your partner be with you anyway? Who doesn't want to love someone that already loves themselves?

"Healthy partners do not want to invest time being your life coach, therapist, or parent." 
 

2. They are your God.

Your partner is always who you turn to with strife. They are your 'cure-all' to make things better again. You count on them to 'fix' what you just can't seem to fix for yourself. When you treat your partner like a higher power, they feel it; and it makes them feel nervous (for good reason).

"Designating a mere mortal as your source of existence puts relationships on foundations of sand." 
 

It also signals that you'll treat your partner like a saint, i.e. coming to them for absolutely everything. Your partner doesn't want that job. It's a tall order, plus it's a tough job to be good at.

3. You're lying. 

Lying is most often motivated by one thing: getting what you want. Our minds do not like uncertainty, so we falsely approve of partners we otherwise wouldn't (the inappropriate, unavailable, or it's just not happening type) because we're eager to rid the 'what if' anxiety and move on to being together forever.

"A partner desires to commit with someone that challenges them to evolve into their highest potential. If you rationalize, deny, and approve of their less-than-ideal behavior, you seem downright desperate."

Rémy Boyd, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, gives us the creepy shortlist:

4. Organizing their stuff.

5. Going through their stuff.

6. Setting up cameras in the apartment (if you live together).

7. Listening to phone calls.

8. Stalking what they watch by checking their streaming services.

9. Stalking social media accounts or online professional and/or dating profiles (more on this in behavior #16).

10. Checking browser search history.

11. Showing up unannounced at work or when out with friends (for no apparent reason).

12. Introducing themselves to friends, families and colleagues (who may or may not know they exist).
 

Why people act creepy in a relationship: Creepy behavior (examples detailed in list above) may be an attempt to speed up the relationship process and create a sense of importance in a partner's life.

"Snoopers, organizers and people who pop-up unexpectedly to family and friend events behave this way to 'get closer' on a mental and emotional level. It is also a form of control over the relationship."
 

Knowing it's weird doesn't make a difference because the feeling of being in-control is stronger than acknowledging how the other partner feels or perceives the behavior.

Best ways to fix it: If you notice a partner acting this way, talk to them about it! Be compassionate, loving and as understanding as possible when you discuss the issue. Try to find out what they think they'll get out of the behavior. Let them know it makes you feel uncomfortable. Assure them there is nothing to fear, i.e. loss of communication, trust or intimacy, if they are open, honest and stop being creepy. 

If you are being creepy: part of you knows it's weird! Stop it! It's self sabotage. It may seem scary to simply trust your partner, but it's better then creeping them out, or eventually driving them away. Which will happen if you continue these behaviors. If you're not able to cease the creep on your own, that's OK. Off to individual therapy you go!

Dorothy Stover, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

13. The importance of blinking.

I went on a date with a man who took me to a movie and stared at me the entire time. I could feel his eyes on me and out of the corner of my eye, there was his face not looking at the screen, but me.

This creeped me out and made me uneasy. I got up in the middle of the movie to use the restroom. When I was in the hallway making my way to the bathroom, he texted me saying he thought I was beautiful.

While I did appreciate the compliment, this creeped me out even more. I'm sure there is some lady in the world right now that is eating this sort of attention up, but for most it's too much, too soon. Obsessive behaviors like this are simply creepy, and should be avoided. 

That said, it's important to acknowledge when sweet really is sweet:

Another man I dated surprised me at work with a dessert I really wanted to try (and had mentioned on our first date). I could have been creeped out by him showing up unannounced, but I was swept off my feet by the thought and attention he displayed. 

The point? When you're newly dating someone, creepy is a factor if you're not quite feeling as much of a connection. If you are equally interested, romantic gestures can support those courtship-lovey-dovey feelings.

"Beware of making grand gestures until you know both parties are feeling-the-love."
 

So how do you fix creepy behavior?: My opinion, keep doing what you're doing. Be you! Someone, someday is going to appreciate your gestures. 

The one caveat is: if you feel it's too much for the other person, have a conversation and don't forget to check-in with yourself. Ask yourself why you are doing what you're doing. If you're coming from a good healthy space, you likely aren't being creepy. On the flip-side, if you're coming from a desperate place (i.e. trying to create premature closeness or buy someone's affections), your gestures will not be well received. 

My take: Courtship is slightly missing from our world at the moment. Men and women shouldn't shy away from courting one another. I recommend checking obsessive behaviors (most definitely), but not at the risk of shelving well-intentioned romantic gestures, or expressing how you feel in creative, loving ways. For the right person, your gestures will not only be well-received, but reciprocated. 

Ngoc Tran, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

14. Second date over-sharing does not make for caring.

Tragic failed romance stories, divorce battle anecdotes, sexual misadventures, etc. are all topics of a deeply personal level that should only be shared at a much later time, further along in a relationship — when those types of tales can be perceived with more context and understanding. Early on, most people look for flaws and red flags.

"Oversharing grants your new flame carte blanche to rule you out."
 

Why do people do this?: Because they're excited to finally connect with someone on a deeper level. They are anxious to accelerate intimacy and reveal their true selves and establish trust.

"Sadly, this is to their detriment, when at this point, they should be carefully evaluating emotional, relationship compatibility." 
 

Both men and women enjoy a bit of mystique. You know, the gradual reveal! This process builds a relationship.

"There are no short cuts to forming a solid relationship."

Kate O'Connor, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

15. Social Solecism.

Research is for research-papers, not relationships. Facebook/Instagram stalking every ex girlfriend/boyfriend your new flame has ever had (so you can compare yourself to them) is super creepy. I'm guilty of this and I am pretty sure I am not alone. I like to size up the past 'competition' and see what my new fling may have gone for physically in the past. But, don't do it. If you're caught, say 'bye bye bye' to your new relationship. 

Inayah Vanessa, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, agrees that social savvy is pressing:

16. Too much of a good thing.

Avoid 'liking' everything the person you are dating posts. It's nice to be affirmed early in a relationship, but it can quickly become suffocating. Creep alert! 

Take in A Picnic

The weather Is fine, singletons! Get outdoors and do something unexpected. Grab a friend (or love interest), pack some cold bubbly, fresh strawberries, charcuterie, a blanket—and you're set. Hit your favorite park in the city, or a more low-key rural panoramic view. Don't forget the portable tunes (and sunscreen).

You may be wondering: how will going to a public park with my buddy help me out in the dating game? Well…you'll be out, looking fabulous in a wide-brimmed hat (that goes for you too guys!), laughing in the sunshine and taking in the summer air. You're fearless and fun—you eat outdoors on a whim, just because.

Who wouldn't want to ask you out?

And you can certainly do the asking as well. These type of outings create ample opportunity for doing just that. Bring along some kind of activity, or game (frisbees count!), and ask that interesting group of eligibles nearby if they’d like to join the fun. This is a simple, non-creepy way to meet new people, strike-up conversation, and possibly assess chemistry.

And even if you don’t meet your next boo thing, you just had a fabulous day anyway.

Don’t Hide Behind Shades

It's hot and bright out there, we get it! But don't forget that eye contact is essential in dating stratagem. Move to an area with a little shade and let those beautiful blues out.

Related, summer style can so easily be fresh, easy and polished.

Take those few extra moments to make small upgrades to your wardrobe in anticipation for the season. Guys, ditch the cheap flip-flops from the Bronze Age, and opt for an effortless leather summer loafer. Ladies, same goes: grab some new light pieces and products tailored for the season.

How About An Ice Coffee?

Been wondering how to take the next step with a love interest? Use the sweltering heat to your advantage. Instead of discussing how unbelievably hot and horrible it is, offer up a delicious cold brew.

"Yes, this heat is crazy! Let's stop by that coffee shop on the corner. Ice coffee on me?"

Bump Up The Freshness

Summer is the season of pool parties, happy hours and general sunny fun, but it's also the season of sweat. Opt for cool showers between work and evening events. Freshen up more often, don't skip the deodorant and don’t over-perfume or over-cologne in lieu of a quick shower.

Make New Plans

When planning your summer weekends, don't overlook the beach you've been wanting to check out an hour or two outside of the city. That summer festival you missed last year? GO. The adult sports league you never signed up for? JOIN. Make plans, get outside of your comfort zone and mingle.

Welcome to this special hybrid edition of Single Spotlight and Male Mind! Single Spotlight features select members of the Tawkify community who volunteer to share their stories in the search for love. Male Mind is an interview series to gather a different man's take on love-life topics. Today, meet (and crush!) on Matt Maxey, Founder of Deafinitely Dope, through his conversation with our Evyenia Trembois.

Please note that while this column unmasks one eligible community member 1-2 times a year, the Tawkify network remains completely confidential. If you would like to be considered for our next Single Spotlight, join the waiting list.

E: You’re single. Are you looking for anything right now?

M: I’m always looking for someone I can vibe with. Someone I can be myself with, while doing what I have to do in my life.

E: I can appreciate that. Do you want something that leads to a serious relationship? Do you see yourself getting married eventually?

M: I actually don’t know because I’m not trying to force it. I’ve met a lot of dope and unique women. To me, the idea of settling down before I also meet what the world has to offer is kind of mind boggling. I want to date more, so I’m always kind of stuck in-between the two.

E: You went on tour with Chance the Rapper, as his official deaf interpreter — what else does Deafinitely Dope do? 

M: We offer workshops, we teach, we do motivational speaking and public awareness. We go where we feel like we can make an impact. If we go to a high school, we speak to all the ASL students. If we go to a college, we do the same thing. We speak to the sign language classes, or we speak to the interpreters on how they can help with the deaf community. So it’s just different ways of spreading awareness, along with whatever other offers we get to interpret — one-on-one, shows, music videos. Half the songs I sign [on instagram] are paid advertisements, so I just go ahead and sign for them. So much has been happening, it’s hard to get everything on a straight and narrow path.

E: Home-base for you right now is Houston, but from what I know of you, you’re always traveling! What has you traveling so often?

M: Most of the time I travel for work. I also like to go home to Atlanta to see family. With all of the traveling and being away from family, it’s good to go back to the basics, go back to where I come from. If I’m in Houston, I’m working to be back on the road again. I’m never really in Houston to stay. The reason I came here originally was because of an opportunity to go to school on scholarship. But with working so much, I haven’t even had the chance to leave yet, so [I’m just going] where life takes me, for now. When I settle down more, I’ll take it from there.

E: That’s a good thing, right?

M: Yeah, it’s fun, it’s life, I can’t complain! But at this rate, I can't imagine a woman that would be okay with the pace, is kind of hard to believe anyone would be. What if I meet you one week, and then the next week I’m gone because I have to work?

E: Do you find that because you’re traveling so much, it affects your dating life?

M: Yes. There’s no consistency. There’s no steadiness. There’s no standard. I’m a comet in the sky. I just pop up, we have a great time, and then I’m out. (laughs) That’s the price I have to pay. I want more, but at the same time, I’m realistic. I’m not settled down enough to even think seriously about marriage.

E: Do you feel like part of the equation is finding a woman who can handle your busy schedule, or are you just not ready?

M: I think it's more about finding a woman who is doing her own thing too, right? Who wants to be at home chillin’ while I’m on the road? We all need to have our own goals, our own thing. If we can both work towards those goals, or even if we can both work on my business together, then OK! That's perfect! Because that means you understand, we can be a team, and you’re on board with it. Why would I push that away? If we have good vibes, then of course, I want you around. But, that’s harder than I thought to find.

E: What attracts you to someone?

M: Common sense. (laughs) A good sense of humor. Good vibes. Laid back, easy going. If you're an intense woman, I can respect it. But if you’re mad at everything, I’m not interested. Intelligence is always attractive.

"If you can talk about anything and everything, and I always feel like I’m learning, that keeps me interested."
 

If you have a good sense of humor, that’s just more icing on the cake. And if you can cook too, I just might pop the question and propose!

E: How do you tend to meet women?

M: I’ve used Tinder. I’ve used Bumble. Most of the time, it’s actually just going out. I'm often out at bars, just meeting people at the places I go — chance interactions, on the fly.

"I lost interest with app dating because there’s so much preparation, sending messages. I’m not trying to waste time just texting." 
 

If you want to meet up, let's meet up! But texting back and forth... too many people have gotten comfortable with doing that, and it seems like they don’t want to actually meet. I’d rather meet someone in their natural environment. You’re out and about — this is you, naturally. That draws me in more than a Tinder profile ever could.

E: Do you ever approach women you find interesting IRL, or do introductions need to happen more organically for you?

M: It depends. Most of the time, it’s just something as simple as holding a door open and then striking up a conversation. And I might say, 'Hey you know what, this is cool, may I have your phone number?' And just go from there. It really varies. It can be at a restaurant, at a bar, at a sporting event. Sometimes, it’s a fan. I have a deaf basketball team and there will be people that come (interpreting majors, ASL teachers, sign language teachers, etc), they work in the field so there’s already a connection because we can talk, and do sign language together. That’s how it tends to go. It’s never really planned or scheduled. It’s a vibe.

E: Tell me how being deaf affects your dating life. Is it different when you meet on an app versus in real life? Did you tell women you were deaf ahead of time, when you met on Tinder?

M: I go back and forth.

"I used to say, 'Hey I’m deaf,' but I found saying that turned people off." 
 

They’d be like 'Uhh….how do I talk to you?' And I’m like, 'How do you think you’ll talk to me?' I'd often get back, "We can type back and forth." They're already going in the right direction with that, thinking of ways to communicate. But, if it’s a dating website, it stops some interactions when people know I’m deaf. But if they saw me in-person, and could see how I sign, and that I talk as well, they tend to be more open, and more welcoming to 'Oh ok. Well, I’ve always been curious about this or that, with the deaf community.'

E: Do you feel like it’s easier to date someone who’s deaf, or who already speaks sign, or does it even matter to you?

M: I’ve actually dated more hearing girls, than deaf girls. With the deaf females, they're kind of like 'no thank you,’ because the deaf community is really small and everybody knows everybody. They know I’m not worth it. (laughs) But, with hearing females that know sign language — they’re interpreters, or they took it in college, or they have a deaf family member, they’ve been exposed to it in some way — those tend to be the ones I hit it off with most.

E: Do you have any tips for women? What's the best way to drop cues of interest?

M: Number one, I would say, cues don’t work. Men...we’re kind of slow. So, I would say, clear communication is key. We appreciate it. Say what’s honestly on your mind, and what you feel. If somebody can’t handle that, maybe that’s not the man for you. I appreciate a woman who can be straight up. Something like: 'I like you, I don’t care if you don’t like me in return.' That makes me go 'woah, okay…alright then!' It draws me in more, because you’re willing to say what’s on your mind, and that’s what I like! I like an open line of communication.

Then again, every dude is different. But if you’re really trying to let them know you’re interested, be straight up. I know what the standard is — we have to ask the woman out on the date, but you can throw out options too... 'Hey, I heard about this restaurant. Ever thought about checking it out?' Most of the time, if we like you too, we’ll say, 'let’s go!'

"And there you go — you got a date!"

Keep up with Matt and stay informed on the deaf community by following @deafinitelydope on Instagram.

Apply as a candidate for Matt and other crushable Tawkify clients by creating a profile and activating as a free Matchable Member.

You may be contacted by a matchmaker as a match candidate for a particular client, or not. Clients are matched with candidates like you, other clients and anyone else we’ve invited into the network.

Single in La La Land? You’re not the only one. Of the 51 largest U.S. metros, Los Angeles has the fourth highest percentage of singles (that is, 55.8%!). You might think ‘finding forever’ is more likely with so many eligible singles running about, but you’d be mistaken. Los Angeles is infamous amongst daters as a difficult city to find lasting love connection.

A matchable member in Los Angeles wrote-in and asked: “Is there some kind of secret LA dating language no one teaches outsiders? I’m newish to Los Angeles, and strangely, I’m not dating with the frequency (or quality) that I was in Chicago. I’d be most interested to hear back from local LA matchmakers.”

Your wish is our command, Allie! We’ve teamed up with Hey Saturday (the first and coolest dating photography agency) for a special Los Angeles dating article, featuring our local La La Land matchmakers.

We’ve collected the best advice for all big city singles to benefit from.

A big thank you to Tawkify member, Allie, for inspiring the topic, and also to the masterful photographers of Hey Saturday, who captured the spirit of our lovely LA matchmakers.

If you’d like a professional photographer to take your dating profile pictures, you’re in luck. Hey Saturday will be doing a complimentary photoshoot for one lucky Heartalytics reader in either NYC or Los Angeles! Enter to win, here. (Update: competition closed, a winner has been selected!)

Read more about this special photoshoot giveaway at the end of the article.

1. I would argue that dating in LA is similar to dating in other major cities, like NYC. This rule applies everywhere: Don't assume it's exclusive until you've had that conversation (and until ya do, keep on dating!). You'll be much less anxious about hearing from "the one," if there are indeed, a few!
   

2. Try and go on as many dates as you can (I aimed for 3/week when single in LA), it's a number’s game.
   

3. Don't be so quick to write someone off. I have a lot of friends and clients tell me — if the guy doesn't say something clever on a dating app (if he just says "hello" for example) they won't even respond. That's ridiculous! He doesn't know you, he's saying hello! Say hello back.
   

4. Make sure to ask questions, it's not all about you. But also remember to share, even if the other person isn't asking you questions.
   

5. Be on time. Nobody likes waiting around for their date, especially in a city where most people are working hard and free time is a luxury!

Moni Oyedepo: “First dates are like a cocktail.”

While we all want to enjoy it and feel good by the end, there are sometimes key ingredients missing that result in dates falling short.

So, I recommend (especially in a city like LA) to go two parts RELAXED. First dates are exhilarating and stressful! While it's OK to approach a first date with hope in "this could be the one," a better perspective would be: "this could be a new best friend..." Yes. Babies and marriage and a lifelong travel buddy are all very nice, but at the end of the day, life partners become the ultimate best friend.

Ask yourself: would I even choose this person as a friend? Get that basic question answered before thinking of wedding veils on the Uber ride home.

One part OPEN-MINDEDNESS. First impressions are usually the worst, the most magnified, and not always accurate. That's why I always encourage second dates.

In some cases, the first encounter was so terrible you'd be grateful to never share the same city block with that person ever again. But other times, perhaps you were both a bit nervous and maybe he/she didn't handle that feeling as well as you did. If the thought of seeing him/her again doesn't make you gag, and you realize that the minor irritants that previously clouded you from getting to know a great person weren't that important — try again! You'll be surprised by how things can improve once first date nerves are out of the way.

A hint of FLIRTY. I'm always amazed when people are gregarious with me on the phone, but then have stage fright on the actual date. Keep it sexy, people! I encourage my clients to do one flirty thing (if they're feeling it!). Whether it’s a hearty laugh in response to a good joke, a light touch on the arm, or a sincere compliment is given, do what makes you feel most comfortable, interested and engaged.

“Free the flirt and get out of your own head!”

Just the tiniest dash of INTERVIEW. Yes, the whole point of dating is getting to know someone (and you should get a good sense of the person), but if you go into it with a list of questions and expectations, you're going to walk away with answers, not a connection. You didn't interview your best friend when you first met — this is no different! Vibes must be established before the checklist is pulled out. You're looking for a long term Netflix buddy, not a new accountant. Keep this in mind.

A garnish of SELF AWARENESS. At the end of the day, dating is more about you than you might think. What am I talking about? While you're assessing if the other person is a great fit, you also need to learn about the different ways you present yourself and if you're always bringing your "A Game."

Maybe…

• Don't tell that traumatic story about your family over appetizers anymore.

• Or…skip the gym if you can't guarantee time for a shower, smelling good is more important!

• Stop looking at your phone during dates.

• Work on that bad habit of fidgeting or biting your nails.

• Get real, maybe it’s time to stop drinking twice as much as your date!
  

“So often, we nitpick the other person, but aren't also being mindful of the things we do well (and not so well) on dates.”

Truly take stock of your behavior. What works and what doesn't work for you? You'll be surprised on how many notes you'll walk away with on how much you've grown as a person and potential match after going through this process!

Gaby Aratow: “If you want a relationship, find solutions over excuses.”

A relationship is like a soup you cook together. Instead of looking for someone who brings the exact same ingredients, pick someone who brings ingredients that are also needed, but different — and then add the stuff you like on top! He/she doesn’t have to be a fine art enthusiast just as you are, to be a fabulous match! This universally applies.

In cities like LA, with SO many options, I think it’s important to study your own dating patterns. For example, if you have a history of chasing people who are hard-to-get, or emotionally unavailable, that likely means you need to conquer your own fears of intimacy. No one who is truly emotionally available can tolerate someone who isn’t for very long.

“This is a no-win game many singles play in big cities, so why play it?”

Sherrie Adams: “No matter the city, but especially in LA — abandon all expectations.”

If you let go of all preconceived notions and anticipated results, you accomplish two essential elements of dating success:

1. You’ve taken the pressure off of yourself to perform.

2. You’ve taken the pressure off of your date to perform.

When the pressure is off both people on the date, they can be their best and most natural selves! Both parties feel comfortable, unrehearsed, vulnerable, adventurous, open and fun.

I agree with Moni, you don't need to have a checklist of questions and answers prepared. It’s better if you don't! Throw all of that baggage away and instead focus on knowing your audience and having fun. Become an expert at tuning into the person you're sitting across from.

Go with the flow. Your questions and conversations should be based on the person you're with, not on a rigid list. Be present and listen to your date. Read between the lines, pick up on body language, be engaged. Every person you go out with is different and brings out a different side of you, but only if you’re open to it.

This is why dating is fun and revealing! If it's a blind date or an online date, think of it as a going out with a friend you haven't yet met. The less rehearsed you are and the more natural you are, the more attractive you'll be — your energy will radiate over to your date and create a sense of ease. Dating is a dance, feel the beat and get into the groove.

competition officially closed.

WIN A DATING PHOTOSHOOT WITH HEY SATURDAY

Win a Big Adventure photo shoot with award-winning Hey Saturday, the UK and US’s premier dating profile photo specialists.  

Please note: Photoshoot will take place in either LA or NYC. Those who apply must live-in (and/or be willing to travel to) one of these locations to be considered.

Every week, we receive dozens of questions from readers. Over time, we started noticing trends - similar questions bubbled up from the larger group. It was clear that some of these concerns were shared, connecting readers without them even being aware. To remind us that it’s a small world after all - every quarter, we will be sharing the 3 most commonly asked questions from readers, accompanied by our editor’s responses.

1. Dawn, 47, NJ: “When is a good time to have the, are we exclusive talk?”

Similarly, Barb from Kansas City, asked: “How long should you date someone before it becomes a committed relationship.” This list goes on. Our editor’s take:

When is a good time to have the are we exclusive talk? I wish I could provide a formula, but there’s no prescribed timeline. It depends on the relationship, and each party's situation and unique set of needs/wants. 

That said, the best time to have the talk is when you feel the moment is right and you're 100% sure you want that too - and not because 'that's what people do,' but because you really want to be in a monogamous relationship with that one person. I recommend it being in a comfortable spot, in a great outfit, enjoying a tasty beverage. Alternatively, broach the subject while on a hike, or city-stroll together. Movement facilitates conversation, and helps manage nerves.

Before wading in, be clear on what you want. But drop all expectations - your partner may feel differently. These kind of talks break people up when either party isn’t receptive - but more importantly, respectful concerning their partner’s own priorities, thoughts and feelings . Sometimes these talks go our way, and sometimes they don't. The important thing to remember: all relationships are different.

Be prepared either way, and know, without any doubt, that what you want is valid and attainable - even if it's not with the person you're seeing right now. 

2. Pam, 61, MO: “I pretty much work all the time, and I'm not interested in the clubs; so how do I meet men?”

Our editor thinks this is the most commonly asked question from both men and women ever, since the blog’s creation circa 2015. it’s ironic that so many people are asking this same question - if we’re all looking, why aren’t we finding each other? Our editor likes to talk about “offline” dating when readers ask this question. She says:

I advise my friends to date "offline." Join a sports club, or a culture club, go to local events - food tasting, wine tastings, galas, charity benefits, even parades. Spend your weekends at free festivals organized around your area - vintage festivals, craft festivals, car shows, art shows. I popped into a vintage festival in Houston last year, and was blown away by all the attractive, interesting people I met there - across many age groups. The best part about this:

The potential of meeting someone isn’t even the biggest draw to attending events like this. No, this is about you. Do something for yourself, learn something, treat yourself to a special day, a special gift, a moment you can’t prescribe.

That’s what life is really about. it’s in those moments, in that mindset, that love lives and grows.

Aside from that, dating success sometimes takes a bit of creativity — and of course, courage. But, I believe that by talking to people you're interested in "offline," and creating a dynamic social/cultural life for yourself (alongside the pursuit of a partner), creates a much happier 'you.'

We are naturally drawn to people who are happy and feeling their best. It’s powerful. Choose the things that make you feel that way, your most powerful, your most content. Be curious, engage! The more you do this, the better you will become at it. I really like Matchmaker Alyssa Bunn's, perspective on this, she says:

"When you put yourself out there, especially spontaneously, you get uncomfortable. And when you're uncomfortable, you grow — and with that growth comes confidence... and when you're confident, people pick up on that. People want to be around people that are confident, and sure and certain."

"It's not always pretty. it's not always exciting. It's not always flawless (it's actually never flawless), but we learn. We learn to really appreciate people that are unlike us... we realize "the list" isn't all that important after we put ourselves out there and gain a little perspective."

If getting started feels a little too daunting and you don’t know where to begin, try Meetup. It's free, and it’s designed to connect groups of people based on hobbies and interests. It's a community-building too (not a dating site). Who knows who you'll meet, or what friendships you'll form that will lead to other connections. Another good resource with specfic suggestions, check out: 6 Unexpected Place To Meet Offline.

I’ll end with a fun fact - Alyssa, the matchmaker quoted above, met her partner after (literally) holding the door open for him.

3. Eric, 37, PA: “Met a woman and it’s been pretty ideal. We took it slow at first, things heated up, we’ve shared a lot in terms of time and I know also, enjoyment being together. it’s been about 5 months. Lately, communication is becoming more infrequent, I sense an ending, but there’s been no conversation about it. I wonder if I did something wrong and why she’s not being clear.”

What did I do wrong, it’s over and I don’t know why, I’ve given so much and it’s not being reciprocated… these are all comments we receive on a regular basis. How refreshing would it be if everyone clearly communicated instead of retreating? That said, sometimes we don’t know exactly how we feel, do we? Or even why we feel that way. Our editor’s thoughts on how to deal:

This is a situation many of us can relate to - things starting out well, affection, camaraderie all there, and then at some point relations fizzle, no red flag, no warning. One of our VPs (she's also a certified matchmaker) once told me that all relationships have a natural lifecycle. She went on to say that even though it's difficult to let something go (especially when it's been so good), that's often the healthiest choice. 

But why does it happen? I’ll state the obvious, it's possible this person has some kind of aversion to lasting commitment - after all, that kind of thing isn’t for everyone, all the time.

It sounds like the relationship was connective and real, so it's also possible she wants to take a step back before diving in deeper (in order to really make a conscious choice). Either way, I believe your best move is to follow her lead - be prepared to let it go and then see what comes back to you — or what doesn't.

When we cling, we often end up breaking things.

Time is the great equalizer. From what I can gather, you might find your way back to each other. Even if you don’t, you had a really nice time getting to know her and I imagine you learned some valuable things along the way that can aid other, future relationships. 

Unless you ask directly, there's no way to know what inspired this new distance. So why not ask? If you sense it’s a good time, and can deliver it a good way, start a conversation to gather her point of view. I think we’re often too reserved when we can so easily ask a direct question that will help everyone move forward, or even find closure.  

If you don't feel comfortable doing this, remember that we should all really being holding out for our “yes!” person anyway. Not a 'maybe' person, who is on-and-off — but someone who chooses you every day, no matter how crazy life gets. Being single, having opportunities to meet new people and take care of oneself is much more fun than being strung along by 'maybe.’.

Tune in next quarter for more FAQs! Ask your own question, here. With weekly submissions at an all time high, responses from our editor are typically sent between 7-10 business days.

As a matchmaker, I often listen to my clients talk about “chemistry.” The term pops up commonly after first dates, when describing their matches, and when it does it’s always a discussion of whether (or not) chemistry magically graced the date.

My clients seem to find a greater confidence, even experience a sense of relief after we’ve had this chemistry talk, specifically after they’ve laid out all the reasoning to decide if there should be a 2nd date—the grand conclusion is typically based on the basic idea of either: “I felt chemistry!” or ”there was just no chemistry.”

The word, chemistry, is used to describe an elusive energy felt or not felt when meeting a person and it’s frequently used to justify important dating decisions. In this article, I present the varying meanings of chemistry that can help (and I hope challenge) your dating process, as well as aid in navigating the slippery slope that is chemistry.

1. Chemistry as Familiarity

Some of us use the word “chemistry” to describe how we notice something familiar in our date, from our own lives, from our past. Your match may look like your uncle who dearly love, or your ex with whom you had a wild love affair.

In general, chemistry used in this way bridges past experience with the present. If you listen to your gut (only) and pursue this sense of familiarity, it can help maintain emotional safety, yes, but it can also limit you from expanding into new possibilities—(i.e. you end up dating the same types of people, over and over).

In other words, familiarity mistaken with chemistry can keep you in unsuccessful, looped dating patterns.

But it’s not all bad. How can familiarity as chemistry be helpful? An example, if your childhood experience was loving and nurturing, you likely value and seek-out those traits in partners, continuing to nurture your present relationship experiences in those same, familiar, loving ways.

However, if past experiences in attachment were abusive and/or disruptive, you may seek-out partners who perpetuate those familiar feelings, even when harmful. If this hits home, do not be discouraged, you are not alone! Often, these cycles operate subconsciously, but you have control.

I urge my clients to directly identify where the familiarity is coming from.

Any sources that are not in your long-term best interest should be closely examined and disbanded (which is not an overnight process, but it starts by calling it out now!). In this, you are on a path to form different and healthier relationships.

2. Chemistry as Socially-Imposed Attractiveness

Most of us grew up being constantly exposed to various examples of “attractive people” in the media, and continue to experience them every day of our adult lives as well. While these images are socially constructed, they impact our love lives in powerful ways.

But make no mistake, the media is not a reliable source to inform your most fundamental and personal feelings.

Without being explicitly told, we learn how certain characteristics of a person are more attractive (socially) than others, and those messages are reinforced by watching others’ interactions. For example, we may see an actress with a slender figure, lighter-colored skin, and long straight hair being treated as favorable in TV shows, and we will come to subconsciously consider these attributes as desirable.

And when we notice the same attributes in our dates, we may notice that attraction as ”chemistry.” This is dangerous. This type of “attraction” has very little to do with any form of authentic connection. Likely, it is paper thin and will fade as quickly as it struck. People change in appearance over time.

Relationships based solely on socially-imposed, visually-constructed standards of attractiveness are not long for this world.

We all have a tendency of being drawn to “attractive people,” but it’s imperative to observe and consider more lasting characteristics. We’ve all heard decades-long married people describe their spouses as ”just as beautiful, (or handsome)” after all these years. An authentic soul-to-soul connection is made in these cases, and even when appearance changes, chemistry remains intact. This is the kind of chemistry discussed next

3. Chemistry as Deep Soul-to-Soul Connection

Every once in a while, we meet someone and feel immediately drawn to them without knowing why. This may happen outside of the dating setting, in our everyday lives (for example at a coffeeshop or a bookstore), and this type of magic moment is not limited to certain age groups or gender.

For example, you may help an older woman with a box of oatmeal from a high shelf at a supermarket, and as she thanks you with a genuine smile and shares how you remind her of her late husband, you notice how the smile warms your heart and you cannot help but smile back. Later on, you realize you keep thinking about the woman, hoping she is having a good day.

When you feel this kind of connection on a date, you are in for a treat!

Sometimes, people describe the feeling as ”we just met, but it feels like we’ve known each other for a very long time.” Take care! This soul-to-soul connection is rare, and should be cherished and nurtured carefully.

Chemistry as familiarity, chemistry as socially-imposed attractiveness, and chemistry as soul connection may seem distinct from one another…

But it’s important to recognize they could all be in-play simultaneously. We are complex beings! As a matchmaker, it’s my job to help clients navigate the perplexing nuances of chemistry. I do this by helping clients understand where “the noticing” is coming from.

An example: You’re very attracted to your date. Upon reflection, you notice they resemble the elementary school teacher you had a little crush on. It’s important to recognize this fact as a genuine contributor to your feelings, and now you’ve also identified the kind of chemistry you’re feeling in this case, i.e. chemistry as familiarity.

It’s just as important to identify what you’re not feeling and why that could be so. For example, when a match meets all the priorities you’ve identified with your matchmaker, but you just don’t feel that instant connection, it could simply mean he/she doesn’t look like anyone you’ve known or been interested-in before.

True connection is developed over time. Don’t give up too quickly when you don’t feel the immediate click, and trust your matchmaker when he/she shares that this match indeed comes with all the parameters you’ve discussed.

Your match may come in an unknown package, but isn’t that what finding a partner is all about? Love is an exploration. I encourage my clients to embrace that. Why? Because as all experts in the dating industry can attest: Instant chemistry is likely just that—instant and then instantly over.

Thank you, lovelies!

Aki Murata

With the current pandemic, most of us are finding ourselves adjusting to lifestyle changes and new daily routines. Naturally, this affects our mental and physical well-being. Raise your hand if you can relate:

I’m running out of shows to watch on Netflix.

My wine collection has experienced heavy losses.

I’ve been mostly eating tater tots and turkey sandwiches.

I simply feel anxious and it’s difficult to relax.

Since we’re all at home anyway, we thought: How could we advise our community to use this time wisely?

To build confidence, promote happiness and improve dating prospects from home.

We’ve said it once and we’ll say it again: the search for love starts with you. Cultivate love in and for yourself first. Then, when a well suited romantic prospect comes along you’ll recognize it, welcome it and have the tools to build a healthy relationship. Because good love doesn’t complete you.

When you feel complete, you’re empowered to find good love for yourself.

These are difficult times. And just like life before COVID there are productive, vibrant days, and then there are tater tot days. To weather the storm, we’re challenging ourselves and our readers to recognize the powerful connection between self-care and confidence.

From the foods you eat to the ways you treat your body, how you choose to take care of yourself directly impacts emotional and mental stability, physical health and dating success. And with the extra time to burn, and months of tater tot days behind you, perhaps you actually have time make some changes.

So when this is all over, you’ll be refreshed, confident and fully prepared to get back out there.

By taking a few minutes or even a few hours out of your day to concentrate on your personal well-being, you’ll not only look your best, but feel your best too. Follow this self-care guide to break free from any destructive patterns you may be experiencing and enjoy more confidence in your day-to-day life. 

Get Enough Sleep

If you are struggling right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure you are getting a sufficient amount of quality sleep. If you don’t have any energy, there is no way you will be able to handle what the day throws at you. When your day consists of working while simultaneously managing your children and maintaining your home, you’ll want to make sure you are running on a good night’s rest. You can achieve this by winding down with a cup of soothing chamomile tea, powering off all of your electronics and work materials for the evening, and making sure your bedroom is an entirely calm and quiet place for you to rest.

Eat Healthy Foods

Along with getting enough rest, you should also make sure that you are eating a healthy and balanced diet. Whether you’re so busy you forget to eat during the day, or you are simply bored in isolation and are constantly snacking to fill the void, it can be easy to let your good eating habits fall to the wayside. After all, it feels like we are all in survival mode at this point, doing anything we can to just stay afloat, but we can’t forget the importance of keeping up good habits. Healthy eating can serve to improve your energy and allow you to concentrate better throughout the day, leaving your productivity levels high and anxiety low. Thus, supporting your personal development and self-confidence. 

Take Care of Yourself

Whether you are overrun with work and parenting at the moment or are keeping the couch warm on a daily basis, your self-care and hygiene may start to take a back seat. If you don’t have to see anyone all day, you may not see the point in putting in effort when it comes to your appearance or feel the need to pamper yourself. While you don’t have to dress to the nines or do a full hair and makeup look every day, keeping up with small things like caring for your complexion with effective skincare products or putting on “real” clothes each day can help you feel a sense of normalcy, therefore making you feel less out of place and stressed. 

Make Time for Mindfulness

At the end of each day, set aside time, whether it’s a quick 15 minutes or a full hour, to really engage with your body in some way. For many, yoga is an incredibly soothing and healthy physical activity that is known to help reduce stress and improve circulation. Maybe you choose to take this time to meditate or engage in some other mindful activity that you can do entirely for yourself. Whatever you choose, be sure to prioritize this time to yourself to help restore your peace at the end of a stressful or uncomfortable day. Doing so will give you something to look forward to once you are done with work and responsibilities for the day, as well as help you wind down for a great night’s rest, which will set you up for success the following day. 

A reader asked: Can interfaith relationships really work out? The short answer: yes, but…!

The greatest challenge? Finding agreement in disagreement; being comfortable with your partner’s individual religious beliefs and activities.

Sounds simple enough, though when you consider that one’s faith affects a whole range of cultural, ethnic, and social practices, the discussion becomes more complicated. As you can imagine, major theological disagreements can lead to some pretty tense holiday dinners.

But since it’s unreasonable (and dare I say, unethical?) to ask your partner to abandon their personal history and identity, I recommend a more judicious approach.

That judicious approach begins with an open mind. At Tawkify, we believe open mindedness is a powerful conduit for love. Because while everyone is entitled to their own preferences, we’ve found that laundry lists of requirements tend to stand in the way of true connection rather than catalyzing it.

Yes, it’s important to be realistic about what kind of match you’ll likely be compatible with, but love is not a concrete science. You can plan for your ideal match as much as you want, but at the end of the day there’s no controlling who you’ll end up falling for.

Would religious differences compel you to walk away from a great love?

I believe that love can conquer even the most tremendous conflicts, so before you close the door on a special someone or narrow your search to a single faith, consider the following 8 tenets:

1. SET BOUNDARIES

Let’s be honest, one of the biggest hurdles in interfaith love is family disapproval. But your mother and Aunt Sue aren’t going to be waking up next to your partner every morning or caring for them when they’re sick. You will be. So how fair is it for them to dictate who you should spend your life with?

If you have an Aunt Sue and you’re ready to commit to an interfaith relationship, setting boundaries with your family is key. Let them know in no uncertain terms that they cannot control your love life. Complaints, sabotage, and passive aggression will be wasted energy on their end. Exhibiting a little backbone upfront will save you time and stress, and, frankly, probably earn you some respect.

2. ALLOW TIME TO MOURN

Related to Tenet #1: Upsetting your family might be unavoidable, but doing so should be tempered with compassion. They might need real time and space to mourn before they come around.

I say ‘mourn’ because they may literally be mourning. They are mourning the idea of the life they thought you would have, as well as the role they imagined in the lives of their grandchildren. And with some religious cultures facing high rates of intermarriage and low birth rates, parents may literally be pinning the survival of their culture on your marriage. That is A LOT of pressure.

3. BE UPFRONT ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS

When you first start dating someone, it can be tempting to ignore potential issues in the relationship. We often hide parts of ourselves hoping that once the object of our affection ‘falls in love’ with us too, we’ll feel safe enough to bare-all. But when family, religion, culture, ethnicity and/or citizenship are involved, pretending to be someone you aren’t is a dangerous risk to take.

As Dr. Yudit Greenberg, who literally wrote the book on love and religion, explains:

“In the first rush of love that can accompany dating, religious considerations are often brushed aside or ignored, and assumed to be dealt with later. Whether it’s meeting the parents, or deciding on marriage or children and how to raise them, what comes later can be even more challenging than the initial period of interfaith dating.”

Imagine investing years into a relationship to eventually realize your partner will be unable to accept your own religious beliefs? Plus, compromise will be so much more difficult if one partner feels as though they were misled. A relationship built on the shadows of half truths and lies of omission will possibly never be able to thrive.

4. CLARIFY EXPECTATIONS

Are you OK with your partner maintaining their religion as long as the kids are baptized in your church? Do you expect them to join you at synagogue weekly, or only when Bubbie is in town? Is conversion the only option?

It might not be very sexy to begin a relationship at the negotiating table, but it will definitely save you time and fights later down the line.

5. DUBIOUS? CONSIDER CULTURE

Let’s say you’re not particularly religious. Perhaps you find it difficult to accept your partner’s beliefs and practices. I suggest taking a step back to consider that religion is intertwined tightly with culture. You may find the superstitions of a Catholic Latina to be strange or illogical, but when you recognize that those beliefs are part of the wider cultural heritage, they can be easier to accept, and even fun to explore!

Religion lives on a spectrum. There’s cafeteria Catholicism and bagel-and-lox Judaism on one end, and evangelists and Orthodoxy on the other.

Understanding where your mate falls on that spectrum will help you better identify and manage potential roadblocks, as well as realistically assess your probability of success as an interfaith couple.

6. FIND A WAY TO RELATE

One of the most powerful facets of religion is tradition. Often, it is tradition that families are most concerned with preserving.

Exploring these traditions opens the door to one of the most beautiful byproducts of interfaith dating: learning, (and even growing), from your partner’s traditions. Yes, there is a seriously positive side to interfaith relationships!

Whether you’re laughing over stories from your days in parochial school or enriching each other’s spiritual lives through thoughtful theological debate, don’t forget to celebrate the benefits of your non-traditional union. 

One of the best ways to do this is to find a way to relate to your partner’s religious traditions. Consider learning how to make your loved one’s favorite family recipes! Perhaps you’re not fasting on Yom Kippur, but you can spend time contemplating atonement. You don’t need to practice tithing to make giving back to the community a priority.

However you relate to your partner’s tradition doesn’t have to be perfect or exactly theologically correct for your efforts to show a true willingness to participate-in and explore the beauty inherent within their religious experience.

And to be clear, your loved one should be reciprocating that same level of interest-in and respect-for your traditions as well.

7. LAUGH…A LOT.

There is no perfect recipe to make an interfaith relationship work. It’s going to require adjustment, compromise, and sometimes a thick skin. But if you and your partner can find the humor in every embarrassing faux pas and mispronunciation, you probably have what it takes to come out the other end a stronger couple and more culturally aware.

As Dr. Greenberg points out, “Interfaith dating offers great opportunities for cross-cultural learning, not to mention humor – it’s no wonder that there are so many RomComs about cross-cultural relationships.” Check out The Big Sick, Keeping The Faith or Jewtopia for a little inspiration.

8. THINK IT THROUGH

You have options. Fighting through the disagreements, walking away, and even the C word: conversion. Consider them all, because the rest of your life is indeed an important topic of deliberation. Which leads us to:

Should You Convert?

Obviously, conversion is an option that may ameliorate many interfaith woes. Not everyone is going to be willing to go through the sometimes tenuous process of conversion, but it is something to consider if you are planning a family.

Why? The nuances of theology are tough for even adults to grapple with, so you can imagine how certain discussions might be confusing for young children. Further, children raised in two different faiths might feel pressured to pinpoint where they stand between both faith’s teachings, even with no direct pressure from either parent in the most healthful and communicative families. This is especially difficult if the two faiths are at extreme odds.

If You Are The Conversion Point.

Have you asked your partner to convert? Even if you are not in a serious relationship right now, do you already know you would make that request in an interfaith dating relationship? If so, truly consider the real implications of this ask.

Along with the coursework that’s likely required, you could also be asking your loved one to forgo their own cultural heritage, traditions…(and plot in the family cemetery).

If you are not willing to put that same amount of effort and sacrifice into the relationship then it isn’t fair to make such a request of your partner. Are you that committed? Don’t ask until you’re sure.

It’s also essential to keep in mind laws of the religion and of the land. In Israel, for example, there is no concept of secular marriage. To marry in the Holy Land, both partners must be of the same faith. In the Islamic faith, it is permissible for a man to marry a Christian or Jewish woman, but a Muslim woman must marry a Muslim man.

This isn’t the case across the board. Taboos surrounding interfaith marriage in the Catholic Church have dissipated to some extent in recent years. Interfaith couples can now be married in the Church through special dispensation from their diocese. Jesus was Jewish after all!

When Will Interfaith Dating Not Work?

Well…if your partner’s religion demonizes you. If they want you to convert, but you are unwilling. If you both want to raise your children in your own faith, and will not budge on the topic. Basically, when ethics and expectations are misaligned.

Love unites us,
Isabella Beham

Learn more about Professional Matchmaker, Isabella Beham, here.

We’d love to hear from readers on this topic. Are you in an interfaith relationship, or have experience dating someone of a different religion? What strategies to find ‘middle ground’ have you employed?

From pick-up lines to mainstream media sexualizing the word ‘seduction’ over the years, most genuine men and women are sick and tired of having their energy misinterpreted.

The history of seduction is more about leading someone, meeting their needs, and creating a fantasy. It’s about pleasure, not manipulation. However, most people are conditioned to believe that seduction is a line to be used or a technique to adopt. We have let society perverse its meaning to become synonymous with ill intention or sleaziness.

In light of that, I’ve found it helpful to coach clients on the true definition of seduction, so that they can reclaim it in their business and personal lives. With just a few minor adjustments, you can also use seduction as a powerful tool to develop more fulfilling relationships.

“Seduction requires confidence, self-control, and a desire to learn about people. It’s a tool to navigate and build rapport in modern relationships, not one meant to hurt others.”

We are often so focused on ourselves that we cannot even begin to think about a strategy that would seduce someone into a relationship of any kind, let alone one that is fulfilling long-term. It’s unfortunate to witness so many men and women guilty of destroying the very thing that they desire. We all want to be seduced, but rarely have awareness around these five common missteps that quash seduction: 

1. No plan, Stan.
   
   Masterly seducers always plan. They are thoughtful about the chosen environment and take great care toward getting to know someone just well enough to pinpoint a suitable environment accordingly. It does not need to be an expensive venue, but it should be conducive for the purpose of the meeting, and whom you’re meeting with.
   
   

2. Getting right down to business.
   
   Asking about work before asking how someone is doing is a seduction non-starter. It serves no one to treat conversations as a checklist agenda. Always begin with a personal question. A sincere ‘How are you?’ is enough. Building personal rapport leads to ample opportunity for more data collection later. Both are required to form long term relationships.
   
   

3. Quality time overload.
   
   Genuine connections are nurtured slowly and thoughtfully over time - not in a tidal wave over a single weekend in which you pour every detail of your life, and reveal all your bodily secrets to a relative stranger in 72 hours. In short, spending too much time with a person whom you’ve just met is not seduction savvy.
   
   Related, do not spend 30 minutes with someone at a networking event if you would be better served meeting many people. Similarly, do not sacrifice your life for a date you are not sure is going anywhere. When you spend too much time with someone, chemistry often dies before it’s really had a chance to even begin. Why not leave some things to the imagination? It is, in many ways, in our imagination that the first feelings of love spark. Set boundaries. You should be qualifying people into your network, rather than chasing them to be in yours.
   
   “The only way seduction renders itself successful long-term is when it is employed with authenticity and good intention. Someone who truly embodies what it means to be seductive in this way can say and do almost anything, and still charm the socks off who they are with.”
   
   

4. Fantasizing the spark.
   
   A spark is just a spark. In contrary to Hollywood’s portrayal of romance, sparks do not qualify someone as being ‘right’ for you. If you skip past the seductive process, you will qualify someone into your life who is not supposed to be there. 
   
   

5. You are my life!
   
   Quite a few professional matchmakers don’t start introducing clients to matches until they’ve first worked with the client to develop a fulfilling life for themselves, completely external to the dating process. Why? Relationships require space as well as closeness - especially in the long term. Having your own personal hobbies, interests, and passions makes you not only much more desirable, but also, a healthier, happier partner for your loved one (and yourself!). It’s these very things that make you who you are - do not neglect them!
   

What does seduction mean to you?

Considering its depth, I would not recommend asking this question on a first date. That said, asking: ‘what does seduction mean to you?’ has a place in budding relationships, most appropriate from the 3rd date forward. And upon asking, listen. Their response will tell you a lot about how they view connection and sensuality, as well as give you a glance into their value system. And of course, as with any question you ask, you’d better be prepared to have an answer for it yourself!

Alyssa Bunn
Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and Founder of Love & Co

In healthful partnerships, a balance is struck between familiarity and newness.  Some fear that partners who are “just like them” may result in love-lost, reduced sexual desire, general boredom…and it’s true, we do all want our partners to bring new ideas, experiences, and excitement into our lives, right?

At the same time, we also seek comfort, friendship, safety. So the question remains…what aspects should we have in common, and just how much should we differ? Here, Professional Matchmaker Aki Murata shares her expert model of relationship compatibility explained through a discussion of core values, interests, and habits.

Because no matter what, the best relationships thrive on opportunities to learn new things and grow together, which requires both a bond of familiarity and the desire to seek newness.

Core Values are:

• Essential to our lives.

• They express how we view and understand live’s events.

• They are not easily changed. 

Anything less is not a core value. How does this affect your love life? Simply, core values are what we most need to share with romantic partners. You may have learned already that when core values are misaligned, the relationship doesn’t quite seem to work, or “fit.” Some examples may relate to education, money spending habits, our political views. It could be how religion is practiced, how we feel about different ethnicities and races, how we feel about having close friends of opposite genders. If any such topics form core values for you, a romantic partner in opposition to your feelings on the matter forebodes trouble.

Note that most of these are about how we value or how we feel about certain things. This requires deep reflection beyond examining surface behaviors. As an example, consider that most people would say education is important if asked, but how and how much they value education is a different question altogether.  Do you value education, above say…financial security? Would you understand putting financial success on hold to pursue a graduate degree? We, of course, value education, but do you also feel it’s important for children to complete their household chores before homework?

These critical differences have true impact on decision making and compatibility.

Another pertinent example: Is it business-as-usual to go out with a close friend of your suitor’s gender while in a relationship? Is it OK to carry out on long text chats with them as well? These differences, if ignored, can create significant challenges later on. So if you’re considering forever, also consider identifying and dealing with core values now.

Core Interests & Habits

There are indeed essential interests and habits that are crucial to share with our partners. This doesn’t have to be something sporty and exotic, like wind surfing. It could be something more poignant to the day-to-day, like a preference for eating out vs. cooking, the frequency of how we like to engage in physical activities, and/or how readily we’ll spring for international travel and long vacations. 

Not coincidentally at all, these interests and habits often develop to form core values.

While it’s not necessary that all of these interests and habits are shared, it is important that when they’re in-conflict, that we realistically examine the resulting challenges. As an example, a preference to eat out versus cook at home may be closely related to core financial habits and values. Some may feel eating out is wasteful, while the other prefers the sensibility of grabbing something on-the-go. It goes on from there…these preferences express how we believe good meals should be enjoyed, such as, at a nice restaurant, or at home with the family.

If we miss where the preference is coming from, we may also mis-understand what is truly valued.

This, often (and unintentionally) creates unpleasant exchanges. 

So, It’s not just about “food,” (and I guarantee those who associate food with expressions of love would whole-heartedly agree!), it’s about the value system that roots our lives, our choices, and I believe, our happiness. A discovery into why we value certain activities should be helpful to understand who we are as individuals and how that affects the couple.

Also know that interests and habits may develop over time, later-on in life, and that’s OK. It’s unfair to think or request that someone not change, that they not be captured by new and unexpected things. Should you be the one captured, gently introduce this new hobby to your partner with a positive experience. Then, you may both embrace the new activity.  

Talk it over, learn from each other, empathize what and how values are represented in these habits, and try new ways together.

This is a space where I recommend non-judgment and openness. When you discover core interests and habits that differ from yours, like invite-only Star Trek viewings in costume, try not to laugh (or express horror) right away, as they are coming from an entirely different set of life experiences than you. And who knows, you might enjoy it too.

Peripheral Interests and Habits

Despite what is generally believed, it's best to have differing interests and habits in our relationships, and we will (and do) call on them—whether that be to share them with our partners, or as a opportunity for solitary time. Regarding the former, trying new things as a couple creates a sense of wonder, meaningful challenges, and a common space to grow together. And the latter, it’s also important to maintain those habits and interests externally from your relationship.

When we make more space for ourselves, there is naturally more space created for others.

Examples of peripheral interests and habits could be certain sports activities (hiking, dancing, rock climbing, etc.), eating (or cooking) certain ethnic cuisines, listening to specific genres of music, and going to cultural events. If we readily enjoy these activities together, that’s great, but if not, consider them as good opportunities to learn about each other and grow together while trying it out. 

For example, your new match likes ballroom dancing. You’ve never considered yourself a dancer, but they’re excited to show you what they know. Since you’re drawn to them and drawn to their world, you go, (and hopefully) you enjoy being a part of your partner’s happiness.

This doesn’t mean you must go to every dancing event and spend all weekend watching national ballroom competition re-runs, but there is indeed a level of involvement and investigation that can be enjoyable for all.

Also consider…If you happen to know something that your partner does not, you would likely appreciate the opportunity to share that expertise and knowledge, to take initiatives to help them learn too. Learning naturally creates a space of vulnerability as we experience new things, and that’s a wonderful way to share your authentic selves and grow together. Try it!

Finding and Creating Relationship Compatibility

Identify and mix the three dimensions above to create a matrix that’s right for you and your relationships. As long as core values are shared (and if not shared, then fully understood and respected), then the relationship has solid ground. Add to that a collection of shared core (and peripheral) interests, and a nice balance of solo ones as well, and you’ll find harmony.

If you’re single and looking, try not to get stuck on finding someone who likes everything you like–wouldn’t that be truly boring (!!!). Instead, listen to their stories, try to understand how they see their world, and make sure there is enough peripheral differences for room to grow. 

Have fun with this!

Aki Murata

It’s feeling like engagement season at Tawkify! There’s been an uptick this Fall in clients asking the big question, making October the ideal Heartalytics issue to discuss the topic for any readers requiring engagement support. Here, Heather Vaughn, Founder and Owner of The Yes Girls, provides a comprehensive guide exclusively for Heartalytics. Anyone considering I do, tune in!

The Do’s

Do Make It Personal: Consider 3 things that your significant other loves and incorporate those elements into the proposal. For example, her favorite flower, a meaningful location for him, an inside joke shared between the two of you displayed creatively…these details beautifies the space while making it about the two of you. When you’re intentional with the proposal details it speaks volumes. It affirms that you know him/her better than anyone.

Expert tip: We have found fiancés absolutely love tangible items they can save as a keepsake from the proposal.

Do Get Photos: This may seem a given these days but even if he/she is an introvert or you don’t know if they would care to have the photos, it’s better that the option is there. Simply because, you can’t redo it! The photographer (and videographer if you can swing it in your budget) can remain hidden so there is no added pressure while capturing the proposal moment. Your future fiancée will appreciate having the photos and/or video as a reminder of your special day for years to come.

Do Allot For Buffer Time: We recommend having 30 minutes of buffer time before the proposal just in case your significant other is running late, parking becomes an issue, or if a vendor needs a little extra time for setting up. It’s much easy to kill time than it is to make up time. Timing is a big indicator something is up because s/he starts to notice you’re acting off or stressing over it which can ruin the surprise.

The Don’ts

Don’t Ruin The Surprise With A Bulky Ring Box: Your jeweler’s ring box is great for safe keeping but if it sticks out when inside your pant or jacket pocket it’s a dead giveaway. Our favorite way to hide the ring on the proposal day is Box Sock—it’s a pocket sock that hides the ring box. The thin ring box is discreet and hides perfectly inside the sock’s pocket so your significant other won’t notice a thing.

Don’t Make It Memorable For Instagram: Make it memorable for your person. While we love our social media tools, when the focus is on what will look awesome for an Instagram photo versus the setting he/she would appreciate, it takes away from the genuine moment. For a more raw and emotional reaction, create a setting the speaks to him/her, not something you’ve seen dozens of times on Instagram and Pinterest. An instagram proposal 10,000 others have copied and re-grammed is a hard don’t.

Don’t Schedule Dinner Before The Proposal: You can use “dinner” or a “double date with friends” as an excuse to get him/her to the proposal location but make sure to propose before dinner versus after dinner. Why? You’re likely going to be a nervous wreck when dinner runs over and the proposal champagne is no longer chilled! The point? It’s hard to gauge how long dinner will be (if you order dessert, for example, or the food takes longer to bring out, etc) and then it can throw off your timeline for the proposal; especially if you have a photographer waiting, or any family and friends involved. Instead, pretend dinner reservations are running late, propose and then enjoy a celebratory dinner after he/she says “yes!”

The Tips

For travel lovers: Incorporating rose petals is a common ask for those popping the question. Instead of the classic red rose petals in the shape of a heart, create something custom. For example, our florist created a large world map entirely out of pink and red rose petals. The couple loved to travel so we had map markers indicating significant memories around the rose petal globe. The final map marker was placed in Dallas, the city he was proposing!

For game lovers: The Yes Girls created a custom life-size crossword puzzle which was a stunning backdrop for the New York proposal. The couple played the crossword game which gave clues/memories from their relationship. The last clue hinted at a very special question, which I’m sure you can guess! View more photos and their proposal story here.

Photo: Sincerely Emelia Photo

For the fairytale, Disney lovers: One of the most dreamy proposal settings was when we brought the romantic floating lanterns scene from Disney’s Tangled to life. The thousands of “floating” lanterns was an installation of hanging lit lanterns. The movie is an animated scene so we pulled from various elements that the couple loved such as the song, the flower selection, and the princess’ sun emblem hand crafted onto a blanket.

This may not be your specific style, but the tip here is to embrace your romantic side. If you don’t have any immediate ideas, ask loved ones, do some research and think hard on what would make your loved one feel most special.

About The Yes Girls: The Yes Girls are the World's Original Marriage Proposal Planners. The expert team thoughtfully helps you create your dream proposal, all the way up to the moment she says “YES!”

Established in 2008, The Yes Girls have created over 3000 one-of-a-kind experiences from marriage proposals and anniversaries to re-proposals and date nights for their glowing clients! TYG couples love stories have been featured on the Today Show, GQ, ABC News, NY Times, and more.

Heather Vaughn, The Yes Girls

Whether you’ve been single for a year or a collection of days, dating again after a major breakup carries a unique set of challenges. Grief, loneliness, wounded confidence, anxiety, even fear…these feelings affect those who covet their lost love, but also those who don’t—because the loss of significant relationships in our lives is traumatizing, no matter what.

You need support and you need a plan.

Because frantically downloading an app to arrange a bunch of stranger dates isn’t a good plan.

Healthful dating post breakup requires courage, self-reflection and hard work; it’s achieved in all kinds of different ways—per each individual set of relationship/breakup circumstances. These tips are merely a suggestion; we hope you’ll carry forward only those best suited for you.

1. Ship-out and Shape-up!

Breakups provide the perfect opportunity to reconnect with oneself. Take a few days off, plan a road-trip, jet away for a quick trip somewhere special.

Visit that friend you haven't seen in years. Go somewhere you’ve never been before, but always hoped you would. That spa weekend is a phone call away…

Traveling solo provides the perfect environment to recapture feelings of confidence and excitement.

How so? Distance from routine creates space—the space you desperately need to forgive your ex, forgive yourself and evolve rather than regress. Sometimes we can’t get enough air to accomplish this at home, in the same spaces occupied by a past relationship. Give yourself the gift of a break.

2. Moving-On Sale: Objects hold memories

He loved that arm chair.
That was her favorite pillow.
I wonder if he’ll miss being here.
I loved how silly he looked in that apron.

You’re back from the solo trip…you look around and realize your ex is everywhere. You’ve had this dining room table for as long as you’ve been together. That rug was a purchase made together on a weekend trip antiquing. The whole place is overrun!

However inconvenient, objects remind us of people, memories and feelings.

Furniture, clothing, other household items, gifts…whatever items don’t support a healthful future, should become a part of your past.

And what better way than to sell it all and start fresh? Utilize your smart phone’s stellar camera to take nice photos of the exodus items. Organize the sale in an open, large room you can easily monitor and host a group within (like your living room). Label bigger items with prices; you can negotiate on the rest. Invite neighbors and friends, post the sale on apps like OfferUp and on sites like Craigslist. Title It: Moving-On Sale, It All Must Go!

Simple, fun, and the best part? You’ll have a handful of cash to redecorate with. For a nice touch, and because no one can deny the power of hospitality, advertise something a little extra, like rosé for shoppers. Donate whatever remains.

3. Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day

No matter where you are in the process of moving-on, pushing yourself too far in an effort to feel better is not a sage solution. Think through why you’re feeling the way you feel, instead of hiding from pain points.

There’s no fast-track to ‘being ready’ for love-after-love. You likely need time to process, to grieve…or maybe you feel great most days, but could be kinder to yourself on bad days.

Doing small things like starting a dating profile, or low-key flirting with someone you find attractive are little ways to slowly dip your feet back into the dating pool. If someone asks you out on a date and you don’t feel fully ready, politely decline.

Conversely, if you do feel ready, schedule the date a few days in-advance, giving yourself enough time and space to prepare, reflect and work through first date jitters.

Because no matter what, going at your own pace is the only right way to proceed.

4. Makeover, anyone?

However cliché, I think we can all agree a little sprucing does wonders for mojo. A little self-care never hurt anyone, quite the opposite really.

Invest in a few outfits that fit well. Why not stop-in at a nail salon (guys, pedicures are hawt!). Go for that cut you’ve been wanting to try. Custom hair color systems like this are another fun way to switch up your look. Skin care is basic self-care! Consider a new skin-care or morning routine that improves overall quality of life.

Also, consider the fact that you have more free time now…that’s more time to invest in yourself. Why not make a few more visits to the local gym, hiking trail, or to whatever sports club or venue best promotes self-care for you? Which leads us to…

5. Sign me up! 

Break-ups are almost always awful, but they also provide opportunity. Now is the perfect time to expand your social circle and try new avenues of life. Sign up for that class you thought you never had time for. Go to happy hour with colleagues for once, start volunteering for a cause that moves you.

Bring more in.

Because dating success begins with confidence, and confidence is built by socialization, a healthy body and mind, and often, community. Staying within the exact same social sphere and doing the exact same activities you shared with an ex, without making any changes, makes zero sense. Jumpstart healing by bringing new people and activities into your daily life. After all, there’s no telling where they could lead you next.

6. Keep on the Sunny Side (and when you can’t, don’t panic)

OK, you’ve been dating again.

You’ve found that some dates go really well and others not so well, that’s okay. Dating is a process, you are on a journey that you can’t entirely control, not even close—because sometimes the dating journey leads to great happiness and excitement, and other times it leads to feelings of hurt and frustration.

When you’re experiencing the latter, get to a safe, comfortable place and grant yourself the gift of a little TLC. Turn on your favorite movie, album or podcast. Play your favorite game, read a good book, take a bubble bath. For some, positive mantras help…In short, don’t make any hard or fast decisions.

Wait-it-out when you feel like freaking out.

This breakup hurt. You could be reeling, but it’s not impossible to reel-it-in. Start with #1,

Valerie Ackler, Heartalytics Editor

Single Spotlight is a Heartalytics interview series in which our editor interviews and features different singles from the Tawkify network. Please note that while this column unmasks one eligible community member 1-2 times a year, the Tawkify network remains completely confidential. If you would like to be considered for our next Single Spotlight, join the waiting list. Get ready to meet Matchable Member, the lovely and enigmatic, Jessie!

V: Let's start from the beginning. Jessie, where are you from?

J: I was born in Northern California, Palo Alto actually at Stanford Hospital at Stanford University. My dad was doing his residency there at that time. He went to medical school at Stanford as well.

V: Our CEO, Kenneth, went to Stanford…

J: Yes, I remember reading about that! Stanford holds a very special place in my heart. But when I was 2, we moved to Tampa. I did study the summer before my senior year of high school at Stanford though. It was a great experience…I had the opportunity to enroll in subjects not accessible otherwise, and made friends with students from different countries—who are still my friends today! For college, I went out to USC, University of Southern California, studied there for 2 years and then went abroad to Paris, living there at 19 as a sophomore. 

V: What an adventure! Typically, undergraduate students don't travel abroad until their junior year, yes?

J: That's right! My grades were good, I wanted to go, so the university said, OK! And coincidentally, leaving at that time might have been a blessing in disguise because that's the year the Rodney King riots happened in LA. My brother was out there, watching everything unfold from the rooftops, and such. He seemed thankful I wasn't there. And I remember telling him, Oh I love Paris I don't want to go back to LA! I want a European city where I don't need a car. (I didn't have a car anyway!).

V: The Parisian lifestyle certainly seems to have its charms, especially for a pretty 19 year old collegiate!  

J: Yes, I was charmed! But after that year abroad, I transferred to Boston University and finished my studies there. To this day, I absolutely love Boston.  

V: What happened next?

J: Well, at 23 I moved to Argentina for just over a year. That was a really fun city to live in. Especially the Embassy parties. After that, I returned to Tampa and furthered my career in Corporate Training, including travel throughout Latin America. I did not live abroad again until my early 30’s when I lived in Switzerland, which is where I got my MBA—from Ecole Hôtelière de Lausanne. I spent some of that time living in Zurich as well. Then I worked for an international contract manufacturing company managing builds..that was 2006...I must have been 34 to 35 when I moved to Mexico to do a training for them. And then I went to Costa Rica when I was 40. What I miss about living in Costa Rica was waking up and seeing the monkeys on the roofs playing and the cute sloth that lived in the tree just above where I lived.

V: Jessie! You've been all over the place! (I bet that sloth misses you too!).

(laughs)

J: Well, it wasn't every single year that I was living abroad. There have been some gaps (which is nice too!), but yes, I've moved around quite a bit.

ARE YOU A POSSIBLE MATCH FOR JESSIE? EMAIL VALERIE ACKLER AT EDITOR@TAWKIFY.COM. CONTACT INFORMATION WILL ONLY BE SHARED IF OUR TEAM AGREES WITH THE MATCH. ONLY THOSE APPROVED WILL RECEIVE A RESPONSE FROM OUR EDITOR. YOU MUST HAVE A COMPLETED TAWKIFY PROFILE TO BE CONSIDERED. DON’T HAVE ONE YET? CREATE A FREE PROFILE, HERE.

V: You are a true international woman. Do you think being so well traveled has offered you a different perspective on life, on romance even?

J: Well...yes. My parents frequently brought my brother and me along with them on vacations. We got to see other parts of the world early on. It does grant a different perspective...and I definitely caught that wanderlust from my dad. I'm a lot like him.

“Maybe that wanderlust has bled over into my love life too.”

V: How so?

J: I wanted to see the world, focus on my career. You know, do what I wanted to do! I don't think I was mature enough yet...

V: But, that's not unusual! If you were a man, we might not be talking about this at all. A career focused single man, that's business as usual. It should be business as usual for you too.

J: True!

V: I'm curious, what's the dating scene like in Tampa?

J: Well, it's hard...you have a lot of singles and a lot of young people too because we have some great universities here, like the University of South Florida and the University of Tampa. Both, very good universities. We also have excellent medical facilities here, so you have a lot of doctors...also a lot of lawyers. Tampa is an excellent market for business, so there are a lot of entrepreneurs here as well...and excellent sport teams...but we also have A LOT of strip joints.

V: I wasn't aware of that…interesting...

J: Yes, because I personally think it changes the culture of a city, especially when you have as many as we do.

V: Would I be correct to assume it's not super helpful?

J: You would. I've tried the online dating thing here, I didn't swipe right very often. Look, I have friends who've met online in Tampa and gotten married. I have other friends who have never met anyone online here that they dated seriously. For me, the whole online thing...

”I've just found that the men I've met online weren't that serious.”

V: Singles in other cities will likely sympathize with you there. It all comes down to the Paradox of Choice.

J: Exactly, too many options! My dad has always said he thinks all men are players until they fall in love.

(laughs)

J: You know, until they meet 'the one' that they want to be with. Now, I wouldn't say all men all players...but in this dating climate, with seemingly unlimited alternatives...you could say that it's easy to "play" around.

V: Too much of a good thing, maybe?

J: Maybe...

V: To cut through the clutter, we ask our clients to identify their top 3 match priorities. What are yours?

J: Well...for me, trust is very big. Also, I connect best with men that are fun-loving. Teasing in a fun way, shared humor, that's very important. I love to laugh! And also…I really like an affectionate man.

V: I wonder if physical touch is your love language?

J: Yes, I read that book, and I think that's true. I also think gift giving is another big one for me. A gift can express how you feel about someone. Not just the gift itself, but how it's given. It can be a real act of love and understanding. Do they wrap it up, or just plop it down? I had a boyfriend who would do the latter, I mean really?!

(laughs)

V: Men should know how to gift wrap too, or at least get it wrapped at the shop!  A well-selected and presented gift absolutely makes me feel loved, like someone truly knows and sees me.

J: Yes and when I buy a gift for someone I care about...I like to buy them something that they feel is special and can tell I took the time to buy it and (of course) wrap it, even with just a simple gift bag. When they open it with a big smile….this is what puts a smile on my face and a tingle in my heart.

V: Absolutely, giving is the best part!

J: Yes…and physical touch is also big because it expresses a desire to be close to one another.

“When I love someone, I want to express that love with affection, and in return, know my partner feels the same by their affection.”

V: So you need a man with those love languages too! I wonder, do you have a physical type?

J: You know it's funny, I have dated men from all over! I guess if I had to say...I prefer tall. It doesn't matter to me one bit if they have dark or light hair. I'm attracted to both. Nothing too specific, but I absolutely do need to feel physically attracted. My mom thinks that is ‘superficial,’ but there has to be some spark in the beginning! Recently I have been watching Asian television shows on Netflix and have found the Asian men in the leading roles to be quite handsome. So stylish, with impeccable manners and know-how to express their affection towards the women they love once they discover their feelings for them. I know it is television but it is also an expression of their culture. Maybe I am a romantic at heart...

V: We need more romantics. Tell me about your parents. I've gathered they are still married, yes?

J: Yes! It's been more than 50 years, we celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary last year.  

V: Wow! What's their secret, do you think?

J: Communication. Communication. Communication.

V: Tell me more!

(laughs)

J: They would tell you the same. Also...close friends of mine who have been married forever told me that there comes a time in every relationship where you're faced with: either we're going to make it or we're not. If you make the decision together to stick it out, that's when you know that you'll make it, no matter what. Really, it's a mindset—through thick and thin, we will work it out.

V: That's what I think most of us want. To feel that way about someone. Even when it's falling apart, you still want to be together.

J: Yes, then there's the mindset of: Well, if I don't like it, I'll just get divorced. That doesn't work. Of course there are going to be difficult times.

V: That's maybe the one thing you can count on! So it's a mindset, a commitment despite, that keeps people together...

J: It seems that way to me.

“Also, my grandmother once told me that there should always be a kitchen big enough to dance in.”

V: Great point, Jessie's grandmother! You've been on several Tawkify dates...I'd like to hear about your favorite so far.

J: Probably...the first one! It was quite interesting, and so was he. Something unexpected happened.

V: Tell me!

J: Well, we were having a good time when another party was seated at the table beside us. All the sudden, my date goes, "Oh my god." By complete chance, a woman he recently dated was seated with her friends right next to us. He was immediately honest about what was going on, I said it was no big deal, and best to carry on.

V: I just went and looked up the date feedback while you were talking about this. He said you handled the situation with total grace...

J: Thank you, yes, he was a funny guy, we had fun together, I think. When we left, he wasn't certain whether or not to acknowledge their party on the way out. I said that we should, we did, and it was totally A-OK.

V: I would feel more comfortable running into any sticky situation with you by my side too! And I can see that all of your Tawkify matches have remarked on your social graces (and beauty!) and they all also marked 'yes' to seeing you again. That's one heck of a date feedback record.

(laughs)

J: Thank you!

V: So, we've established that you're well traveled, that you've dated across the globe. You've held some interesting positions and acquired a great education. With all of that in mind, what advice do you have for other single women?

J: For the ladies, be yourselves! Sometimes, we like someone so much that we aren't being genuine, and worse, we then overlook the red flags right in front of us.

“We could all change that, choose better for ourselves, and not waste our time in relationships that aren't working.”

J: Personally, I've stayed in a relationship way too long. My friends warned me, but I stuck it out, and of course they were right. If the relationship isn't going where you need it to go, get out! We know what we want, and like we've already covered, there are plenty of eligible men out there. Pick up the lessons from that past relationship and move on.

V: And don't repeat the same mistakes and date that same guy all over again.

J: Exactly.

V: What advice do you have for single men?

J: For the men out there...you know, we really like to be treated like ladies. At least I do.

V: Me too!

J: When a man takes me out and plans for the evening, it makes me feel special, and valued.

V: Some people feel like romance is dead. What do you think?

J: I think romance isn't dead if we keep it alive. A man with manners...I'll be frank…

“Manners are the sexiest thing on a man, more than looks.”

J: I always judge a date based on how I feel afterwards and how their manners were. I'll be honest with you, I did almost get married at one point, we were very close to that...but he didn't value that, at all really. This is an example of not minding the red flags!

V: Absolutely, core values really do have to be aligned for things to endure. You are...sophisticated. You need a sophisticated man, I think.

J: Thank you! Aside from that, I also think it's really nice when the man takes the lead and has a plan. My mom says: in every relationship there's a chief and there's an indian. If you knew my parents you might think she's the chief, she's more outgoing, while my dad is quite soft-spoken. But, I would actually say he is the chief.

V: But your mom is a powerful woman in her own right, yes?

J: Oh yes, she is. On business matters, she is absolutely the chief. I guess we should edit the chief and indian concept...because in every relationship each party is good at different things, and has to share leadership, for sure. But in general I think people assume, after meeting me, that I want to be the chief. But that's not actually the case. Now, I'm not saying I want to be barefoot and pregnant and not ever work (I couldn't do that!).

“But it would absolutely be nice to feel like I was in a relationship with someone who could take the lead.”

J: I'm pretty flexible, and easy-going, it's nice when a man has a plan and can lead us.

V: That would be nice...I don't know if you feel this way, but I feel like I'm always making the plans. In everything in life, I’m in the power seat. In romance, it would be nice to take that hat off and enjoy someone else taking care of me for once.

J: Yes, and to be able to trust in that, trust that your partner 'has something' and you can let go of some control...

V: You know, there was a study that tried to identify the sexiest thing a man could ever say. You know what came out on top, by far?

J: Tell me

V: "I've got this"

(laughs)

J: Point made. Also guys, women like to be surprised! At least I do. I mean, who doesn't love happy surprises? That to me really shows something. It's like...a magic thing on earth.

V: Absolutely agree!

J: I have a good friend in Ecuador and she has the sweetest boyfriend. He'll just show up at her work every once in a while with food she likes, or just to say he was missing her and wanted to come say hello. Little surprises are nice too.

V: Did you hear that guys? Jessie likes surprises!

(laughs)

J: And for both men and women, I have a rule:

“If I want to be friends with a man I just met, I will give it 3 dates to see if anything grows romantically.”

J: Sometimes you really can’t tell from a first meeting.

V: That’s wise, Jessie, many of our matchmakers have expressed very similar advice in other articles….so we recently published an article about men approaching women. This can be a difficult balance to strike for men in the current dating climate. How do you like to be approached?

J: Be straight up! I like direct and polite, something like: I think you're charming and I'd like to get to know you. I don’t like when a man steps around it instead of being clear.

“Why not just say: you're really cute, I would love to take you out to dinner.”

V: That's what a chief would do…

J: It is, isn't it?

V: OK, this might be our most important question...and I know you love movies so we'll go in that direction: you're stuck on an island for eternity, what man do you bring (alive or dead, real or fictional), and what film do you bring?

J: Honestly...someone like James Bond. I would bring James Bond.

V: Excellent choice! He would be handy for survival as well!

J: Yes, but you'd need to keep things light. An island for eternity...that could be tough, so why not bring along...a romantic comedy? What about My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

(laughs)

V: You are full of surprises, I did not see that one coming!

ARE YOU A POSSIBLE MATCH FOR JESSIE? EMAIL VALERIE ACKLER AT EDITOR@TAWKIFY.COM.

CONTACT INFORMATION WILL ONLY BE SHARED IF OUR TEAM AGREES WITH THE MATCH. ONLY THOSE APPROVED WILL RECEIVE A RESPONSE FROM OUR EDITOR. YOU MUST HAVE A COMPLETED TAWKIFY PROFILE TO BE CONSIDERED. DON’T HAVE ONE YET? CREATE A FREE PROFILE, HERE.

Whether you’ve heard them, employed them, or fell victim to them — at one time or another we’ve all been subjected to stereotypes surrounding sex.

Common cliches present men as dominant, adventurous, and emotionally unattached, and women as compliant, sexually modest, and emotionally sensitive…

And these stereotypes impact all of us, male and female - within heterosexual relationships and same-sex relationships. Misconceptions about sexual expression affect relationships by alluding to false sexual compatibility, or simply put, by creating misperceptions about shared beliefs and preferences regarding sex. Perhaps your partner does not feel comfortable expressing their true nature, compelled to conform by a lifetime of cultural pressures and decades of societal messaging on gender roles.

“Perceiving sexual compatibility with a partner has been shown to be related to sexual satisfaction, such that the more sexually compatible you are, the more sexually satisfied you are,” according to Kristen Mark, Ph.D., Director of the Sexual Health Promotion Lab at the University of Kentucky. “Researchers have consistently found that sexual satisfaction is also significantly positively related to relationship satisfaction; when one increases (or decreases), the other tends to follow.”

To help readers find their perfect match in the pursuit of love and intimacy, we’ve provided clarity on common sexuality myths. Even if these myths do not directly apply to your experiences, this forum is intended to create a dialogue. A dialogue to help us all form better relationships - in which both partners feel empowered to express their true needs and desires.

Myth: Men are more promiscuous than women

Men tend to report a higher number of sexual partners than women do, although the average number reported by both is relatively the same. Where does this misconception stem from? As it turns out, men are more likely than women to estimate rather than count their lifetime partners. Not to mention, women are generally more conservative in their sexual sharing than men, perhaps causing them to undersell their number of sexual partners.

The underlying culprit of this falsehood is a double standard — a code of morals applied in different ways to different people. Ergo, a woman who engages in consensual sex with multiple partners is labeled with a host of abusive names, whereas that exact behavior is often celebrated in men as an indication of masculinity. In reality, “most women would like to be as sexually open as men are, but the social script won’t allow it.”

Myth: Men want sex more than women do

There is a long-standing assumption that men desire sex more than women do. The notion that men pounce at the first opportunity for sex while women make frequent claims of “not being in the mood” created the narrative that sex is a higher priority for men.

However, women like sex just as much as men, if not more in some cases! Also, be aware that some women face conditions like hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) that cause sexual dysfunction. It’s crucial to understand that biological factors influence our libidos and to be aware of what treatments are available, such as Addyi, the first FDA-approved drug to help women treat low libido — the leading symptom of HSSD.

Important to note, libido affecting conditions are not restricted to women - men are affected by a host of medical and psychological obstacles as well. Should you be concerned, there are abundant resources available, in the form of medication (pharmaceutical and natural remedies), as well as through psychological care, i.e. sex therapy.

Myth: Birth control is the woman’s responsibility

As a cultural standard, women shoulder most of the responsibility to prevent pregnancy. Why is that? Maybe it’s because when we hear the term “birth control” our thoughts steer immediately to the pill.

But contraception extends beyond birth control pills, which means the responsibility is shared.

While there are promising advancements in the development of male birth control methods, the only current non-permanent solution is condoms. Nevertheless, neither the birth control pill or condoms need to be a gender-specific responsibility. Heterosexual men - you too can be included in the birth control process - perhaps by helping your partner stick to a pill schedule, or by attending appointments about birth control options and/or medical check-ups.

Truly, both partners should be involved, and that goes both ways. Ladies, what about acquiring condoms as well? Here are some organizations that distribute condoms for free.

Myth: Women easily orgasm through penetration

We did some digging, asking a sub-group of 100 male community members about this topic. Nearly 35% marked ‘true’ to this sex myth. It’s never fun to be the bearer of bad news, but studies say that around 80% of women admit to faking an orgasm during intercourse.

A study by the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that only 18% of women studied said that penetration alone was enough to reach orgasm. The rest reported a need for clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm during sex.

The point: A loving partner seeks out ways to fulfill their loved one’s needs.

Consider this a push to have a conversation - try asking: I’d like to make this about you today, what can I do for you? This prompt may just improve not only your partner’s satisfaction, but yours as well.

Myth: Men are more sexually adventurous

Society’s standards set the tone that women are inherently emotional beings, and men, physical. There’s a cultural undertone that men desire sexual experimentation to a much higher degree, while a woman’s sexuality exists to please others or for reproductive purposes.

You may not believe this, but the fact remains - our society perpetuates untrue and unhealthy stereotypes surrounding sex and gender.

However, not only is it important for women to explore their sexuality, but many actually do. In fact, one-third of women watch porn on a weekly basis and 92% of women ages 18-22 masturbate regularly. Exploring one’s sexuality is important to gain insight and communicate personal likes and dislikes with a partner, in addition to becoming comfortable with our bodies.

The capacity to form romantic relationships comprises views on intimacy, which, if misinformed, can lead to unrealistic expectations and sexual dissatisfaction. Mitigating myths about sexual attitudes will allow for a stronger connection between partners both physically and emotionally. Even partners with different sexual preferences can still be compatible, so long as they recognize each other’s differing desires and work to fulfill them.

With love, Your Heartalytics Team

There’s no question - we’re navigating uncharted lands when it comes to creating and fostering romantic connections in 2021. Singles are breaking trail to unprecedented lands, where conventions have given way to new norms and expectations - and it’s yanked many free of their comfort zones, we’re also being presented with rare and refreshing opportunities to take charge of the dating experience in new, creative and thoughtful ways. 

Enter stage left: What in the heck is a virtual date and how do I dress for one?!

We find it reassuring that amid all the foreignness, at least one traditional consideration has withstood the assertions of this new era: The importance of presenting oneself well for a first date.

As you begin to put yourself out there, reference this simple guide - We hope it both sets you apart and helps you dress with confidence and authenticity.

Guys,

Go for it! When preparing to interact with someone new, it doesn’t hurt to go all in - whether your style is clean-cut or more about casual comfort (lounge-wear truly is the best), be intentional about the pieces you choose.

Your date notices the subtle details. 

Don’t be afraid to make an impression with a little bling. Watches, yes, and other types of pieces as well. We recommend browsing for jewelry designers and artisans in your city to support local-makers. Other ideas, belt guys rejoice in cool companies like Obscure and Watson & Wolfe making belts now. Be you of course.

Simple, minimalist flare can be both a comfort zone and signature style.

Whatever feels right to you, is right - as long as you’re being intentional.

Gals,

Don’t overthink it, keep it simple. 

“How many times have you had an outfit in mind, but you tried on 7 other combinations first and wasted 1.5 hours?”

Too many times! If there are a few pieces you love, cut to the chase and wear them. The best part about a first date is - this person has never seen you in your favorite outfit. Use that to your advantage and reallocate that time for something more worth your time… (like a bubble bath, a living room yoga session or taking on a new project).

In other words, when working through all of the pieces and parts, go for pieces you know work - like that perfectly fitting black top and your favorite pair of earrings.

You’ll thank yourself later. Sure, the urge to run out and buy a new dress or off-the-shoulder sweater is compelling, but dating is a mine field of uncertainty already - feeling great in your outfit is something you can control with seldom to no drama.

The more “knowns” are in the mix, the more opportunities to stay grounded in that (highly sought), very delectable state of confidence - all the while braving a new and emotionally charged situation.

Also, sexy is always in! Humankind - we call for taking more pride in your undergarments!

Virtual date or no, eventually you’ll be naked-ish with another human being again… someday. How do you want to show up in that moment?

Go for sexy, go for sweet, go for comfort in your undergarments - however you go - make it you and make it without holes and/or comics from 1988 (unless that’s your thing, totally go for it!).

Something else to think about…

A video date puts you and and your date onto a digital canvas - and like all the best paintings, it’s not just what’s in the forefront that tells a story. The space around (and behind you) is going to tell a tale just as much as your appearance, disposition, tone and body language.

Look around to inspect what’s in the frame… you’ll be wishing you’d taken the time when you spot a pile of crumpled up laundry in the far right corner 15 minutes into your date.

(It happens!). In short, setting up a thoughtful space is totally in-bounds and adds subtle hints about your personality and lifestyle. If you have a great living room and/or art on display that you love, set up with that space as your background. Have a beverage ready, maybe even a snack - something casual and easy to eat such as a flatbread, a cheese plate (grapes are easy and effortlessly sexy), anything in the tapas category.

Have items on-hand (literally) to spark conversation.

No need to overdo it. Generally speaking, a glass of wine, something to snack on and good lighting is all it takes.

This we know: confidence speaks IRL and on-screen. Since you know you best, tap into what you’re needing to feel your best - centered and open. Having trouble tapping into that? Consider leaning into self-care by creating a ritual for your pre-date process.

Taking care of oneself is felt by others - who can sense your ease and contentment. This type of energy helps spark and foster new connections. You can tap into it by checking-in with yourself.

Whatever you’re wearing on your next virtual date, we hope you feel grounded, confident, sexy - whatever it is you want to feel - and that starts and ends with taking care of yourself and your space.

What we like about virtual dating most…

Many of the typically uncontrollable components of the dating scenario are made controllable. You’re at home, safely. You don’t have to catch a cab or walk 8 blocks in the dark. You can cozy up on the couch right after work in your favorite slippers.

Boiled down, the video date format provides a new venue to meet more people in less time, safely. But no matter where you land, virtual dating doesn’t have to be forever for you. Some of our clients, such as those who travel frequently or like the additional privacy, have developed a preference for meeting matches virtually due to the convenience and reduced pressure, while others can’t wait to get back to happy hour evenings and farmer’s market dates.

Our take: That a mix will likely be a good strategy as more venues begin to open and the vaccine becomes more widely distributed - and we’ll be here along the way with tips and tricks. If you missed The 4 Tenets of Pandemic Dating, that’s a good place to go from here.

XOXO, Your Editor & The Heartalytics Team

Commentary on contemporary dating and personal anecdotes from member of the Tawkify community, Orkut Buyukkokten, creator of social networks Club Nexus, Orkut and Hello. Orkut has devoted his life to creating tech that not only initiates connections, but is meant to take them offline. A true reflection of our own modus operandi at Tawkify. 

“We live in an era where most of the tried and true ways to meet people in the real world have been replaced by looks-driven dating apps.” 

I miss how we used to date. When I was growing up in Germany, people would meet other people through friends or at a bar or even just passing by on the street; eyes would lock, or one person would flash a smile; you would start a conversation and then maybe you would make plans to go out: a drink, something to eat, maybe a dance. If you enjoyed each other's company, you would consider the date a success. You might even end the night with a kiss, a sign that you were both interested in each other, and that you wanted to see each other again. You would date one person at a time, seeing each relationship to completion. You would keep hanging out until you decided that you wanted to become friends or never see each other again or become something more. It wasn’t uncommon to meet people who would want to wait until marriage before they had sex for the first time. There was a time when that wasn’t such a crazy idea!

Technology has allowed us to bypass many of these courtship rituals. Dating apps match us with people in geographic proximity and allow us to blankly look at photos and swipe left or right unthinkingly. In my opinion, apps like Tinder are the worst thing that have happened to romance.

“They essentially render our relationships disposable.”

On these apps, you are not a person; you are a picture. The experience of using dating apps can desensitize us and dumb us down; it can reduce us to our bodies, and the negative impact of the mutual objectification we experience on dating apps filters into the analog world.

Dating apps today give us too much power and control; they allow for too much premeditation and planning for something that cannot be predetermined. The surfeit of choice on dating apps also created several negative consequences. For one, it primes within us an almost animalistic instinct to select a potential match based on superficial attraction rather than thoughtful engagement. It also allows us to maintain the illusion that there is always someone better out there just around the corner. I know people who schedule multiple dates on the same day so they can be more efficient with their lives. 

“Performance-oriented dating has become an actual practice.”

God forbid, we spend too much time with someone who is not a good match. It must be some externality of the freedom-prison of individualism western society has created: only here, in a society that has afforded us an extraordinary degree of freedom - a freedom to do with our lives as we please to which we can attribute many virtues and for which we have much to recommend…

only here that it is even possible that we could sustain the devastating contradiction of being alone in a world of hyper-connection.”

It’s never been easier for us to connect with other people, we’ve never had more choices of people to love, and perhaps it’s that very possibility and choice that makes our feelings of loneliness more acute, more present and real.

In her strange and cool little novel, The Answers, Catherine Lacey offers a dystopian vision of love in the 21st century. Mary, an in-debt and ill thirty-year-old woman living in New York, takes a new job as a participant in a pseudoscientific experiment about love in order to pay for her treatments. In the experiment, Mary plays the Emotional Girlfriend for a big-time Hollywood actor; other women play the Intellectual Girlfriend, Angry Girlfriend and Maternal Girlfriend and enter in and out of the scenes at different points in time. All of the participants in the study are hooked up with sensors so that they can return real-time feedback about their emotions; the research group behind the study, in turn, has the ability to manipulate chemicals in their brains to produce certain emotional responses.

All this in service of a research study meant to understand whether it is possible to achieve a prolonged state of limerence—the physiological and psychological state of a body as it falls in love. It might not come as a surprise that the study is doomed; the novel ultimately doesn’t offer any answers but rather reveals, as the story unfolds, all of the ways in which we project desire onto others, how we act out certain roles of the people who we think will be desirable to other people, how we have sloughed off our emotional lives for our material and technological ones—and the physical and psychological costs of doing so. What we’re left with, and it’s not exactly uplifting, is a disturbing picture of our modern isolation and a more precise understanding of how technology, rather than bringing us closer together, instead reveals the vast distances between us. 

It is an unsettling book but it also served as a sort of tonic to my current frustration with dating apps. It made me wonder if there might be another way forward, if there might be another way of seeing the question.

A few weeks ago, I went out to a bar with friends. It was a gay bar in the Castro; rainbow-flags and posters of intimidating shirtless sweaty men plastered all over the walls. Maybe it’s just my imagination but,

at night, gay bars always seem to me to take on a reddish hue, like light filtered through rust or blood. Even when you enter from the street, it feels like you are entering into a secret club, or into a stranger’s dark fantasy.

It was into this underground-but-not-underground bar that I, weary and eager at the same time, threw myself. Another night floating on someone else’s dream, another journey propelled forward on the hope of love and buoyed by the optimism that if I made it through safely, this time, I might never have to come here again.

That may sound cynical but I don’t mean it that way. Gay bars serve a fundamental purpose as spaces for us to gather and form community but, simply put, that night, I wasn’t looking for a sense of community with my peer group—I have gay friends, after all; I was looking for love; I wanted the thing that would lift the loneliness from the depths of me.

Love, that lighthouse that would lead me back home through the storm.

And then I saw him. Well, at first just his eyes. My eyes locked with his in a moment of world-shattering, time-stopping intensity, like I had just been confronted with a lost film, condensed to a few strips of all of my childhood memories, now forgotten, in overwhelming color, rushing past my pupils. It was a gaze with a force to set fire to granite. It was so knowing, the gaze, at once mysterious and hypnotic and familiar all the same, with a flicker of danger. I had to meet him. But I didn’t dare aver my eyes, let alone move toward him; I was frozen in the frame of attraction.

The 19th century German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote about love as a touching of souls (an idea later immortalized by Joni Mitchell), and in that moment, unmediated by a screen, expecting nothing and everything, present to my desires and aware for the first time (or at least for the first time in a long time) that there could only possibly be one container for it, one object of it, that person standing seven feet from me, cradling a gin and tonic in a dingy bar on Market Street, that I thought if love is touching souls then desire is seeing them for the first time.

A face can tell you more about a person than anything that person will say to you about their past or future. You can see in a face a biography of loneliness, a geography of longing. To really look at someone, to really see someone, you have to be willing yourself to be seen, not as the person who you want the world to see but the person inside, the you that is unplanned, unpolished, the you that is laid bare. It’s why that moment in the bar has stayed with me so clearly after all these months. 

I didn’t end up with him; I still don’t have the answers, but that night invigorated me. To see someone else’s soul exposed like that, even if for just a fleeting moment,

you realize that love is not a matter of probability; it’s not a problem to be engineered or solved, but a willingness in the face of someone else to be changed, a submission to the sculptor’s hands.

If you’re single and ready to mingle or are finally getting serious with your quarantine boo but aren’t sure how to keep the magic alive, don’t fret! Here we present our 4 basic pandemic dating tenets to keep dating fresh, fun and healthful during this unprecedented time. 

1. Set Boundaries

If you're nervous about how to approach your first IRL date interaction during the pandemic, consider this: There’s no time limit. Our editor recommends:

Take a deep breath and know that there are no rules/expectations/hard lines for you to meet other than the ones you've personally thought through and established…

"Setting boundaries (with others and yourself) is essential."

If you aren’t comfortable with having a date over, then be real with yourself about those concerns. Write out a pro/con list, consider your feelings AND THE FACTS, to decide (by and for yourself) how you truly desire to take next steps.

If those next steps are still virtual, A-OK, as we’ve discussed, our team has found virtual dating to be a viable option. Once you’re clear on what you want, have an open discussion about it, because:

Transparency in times of crisis brings people together—even when you don’t agree. Coming to an understanding about diverging views builds bonds. Ambiguity breaks bonds.

If you’re concerned, speak up! Recommend that you and your partner get tested before any type of reunion/IRL dating scenario. And remember: Every person has the freedom to feel however they feel about this situation, and it’s very likely those feelings will differ somewhat from yours. Be respectful of other people’s views. We can feel differently and still manage to respect each person’s unique set of boundaries.

“Anyone who is unable to do the above, is not someone you should be dating. Take that to the bank.”  

2. Plan Ahead

There are a multitude of ways to plan a fun date night if you’re itching to spice things up from home. Order ahead from a favorite restaurant, or a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. New food experiences outside of a restaurant setting are fun and more intimate! Especially if you ritualize it with candles, and details - such as setting the table. Have fun with this! Get fresh flowers for the table, whip out those serving platters, opt for exotic cuisines.

Picnics are a great alternative if you want to avoid crowds, but also step out of the house. If a good picnic park isn’t nearby, or you’re looking to craft a more private experience: Drive out to a beautiful spot and create your own drive-in movie theater in the car by grabbing a laptop, fun snacks, blankets etc.

If you and your date are spending physical time apart due to health concerns, digital dates can be equally fun and help develop/support your bond. Here are some of the reasons we think it’s a worthwhile IRL date alternative. Most importantly:

Don’t let distance stop you from planning special moments together.

Suggest a coordinated at-home wine tasting kit to liven things up and try something new. More great ideas for digital dates here by Maude.

3. Turn UP The Heat

With everyday life becoming more and more hectic, intimacy can be the last thing on your mind, however, in order to have a healthy and blossoming relationship, we need intimacy. Intimacy helps bring you and your partner closer, whether it’s through emotional or sexual connections. If you’re in a new relationship make sure you take safety precautions before engaging in any sexual activity. We recommend new partners getting tested for COVID-19 to ensure neither partner is putting the other in harm’s way.

Although it might feel overwhelming, life will not always involve a screen, so:

Prepare yourself for when you and your date/partner are ready to connect/reconnect IRL.

If you’re feeling anxious because you haven’t had sex since before quarantine, know that’s more common than not! We recommend taking it slow. Just because you had a sexual relationship pre-quarantine doesn’t mean you’ll be ready to dive right back in 4 months later! Be patient and kind to yourself, and to your partner. Get to know one another again in the physical sense without added pressure.

If you’re highly concerned, companies like Hims specialize in medications and therapies that can help ease sex-related nerves for men, as well as support groups, mental health resources and specialized therapy for All. No matter what: Sex and conversations around sex should be open and honest. How do you really feel? What do you really want?

Do not fear a discussion that prioritizes your pleasure and enforces boundaries. This is what great sex is made of.

Get creative, talk about and try new things/products that have piqued your interest (for example, this article is all about great personal lubricants). And in the meantime, utilize technology (if you feel comfortable) to stay connected.

4. Turn DOWN The Pressure

Life is challenging right now, so if dating seems harder than usual don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have it all figured out. If the uncertainty of this time is causing you stress: Take active steps today to prioritize and improve your mental and physical health.

Consider meditation, online therapy, virtual sound baths (our editor recommends MNDFL), the list goes on. Try new things, find what works for you and slate for a regular, scheduled frequency. As we all know, dating is fun, but it’s also hard work that affects our confidence and sense of wellbeing. If you are struggling/lonely/feeling lost, know this: Healing comes from within:

“Dig deep to uproot and heal from negative self talk. It’s your mind. It’s your body. Take care.”

In closing, if you’re holed up with someone and spending too much time on that person’s agenda/life: Take a time-out to do some of your favorite things, or just to relax! Prioritizing your happiness and development helps you to reinvigorate, recharge and refocus. 

For those ready to date IRL, our very own fashion maven Evyenia is here for outfit inspiration! Her top advice: "Confidence is always the sexiest thing you can wear. Wear what makes YOU comfortable."

The old adage of: 'Don't look like you're trying too hard' is not only dated, but often more work.

Evyenia says: "It's perfectly awesome to wear that new dress or get dolled up in something that makes you excited to wear. Be yourself, wear that piece you’ve been wanting to, and take no prisoners!”

First dates are exciting, but they’re also incredibly nerve wracking, especially with COVID-19 as a possible date-crasher. Many singles, Tawkify clients included, are turning to virtual dating methods, which we think have merit. That said, there’s such a thing as being too comfortable and some may find it tempting to take alternative dating formats less seriously than a typical IRL introduction.

We can see why - it’s 2021… loungewear is the new office-wear and pajamas are close behind.

We’re here to remind you that COVID dating is about good communication, pre-planning and a little creativity. No matter how you’re dating right now, every first date is an opportunity to make a great first impression and make a new connection - romantic or not.

And if it’s the latter, and you’re on a video date, you can politely excuse yourself with minimal awkwardness. Silver linings!

While the dating ‘rules of play’ are evolving before our eyes, some things remain steady - such as the importance of planning and first impressions. A great date in 2021 requires them both, just as great dates last year, and the year before did. It starts with…

#1: Making a plan for your video or socially distanced date as you would any date - but with a little extra. In 2019, you could meet in a park and walk over to your favorite bar for a cocktail if things were going well. Today, that bar may well be closed and not safe to occupy.

The obvious answer: bring the bar with you!

In other words, have beverages and/or activities on-hand should you and your date like to extend the experience. Think back to the days of yesteryear… you’d get dinner, see a movie, go for a walk, and things got quickly awkward if there wasn’t an activity to flow to next.

• For coffee lovers: plan a virtual coffee date where you both brew or pick-up a cup of your favorite variety to sip while chatting.

• Foodies: Cook and eat dinner together, or order from the same restaurant and talk about the fare.

• Feeling brave?  Opt for a video dinner date game, such as by turning your date into an episode of Test Kitchen - throwing together dishes from scratch while taste-testing new wines. 

• Traditionalists: Keep it simple with a viewing party to watch a movie or tv show. Netflix, Hulu and Disney Plus are all doing watch parties and browser extensions like this one can also be leveraged to watch movies and shows simultaneously.

• Mixologists: If spirits are a mutual interest, choose a cocktail to stir up together by ordering drink ingredients online. 

Whichever experience you choose to curate - plan ahead, order and/or prepare food, ingredients, wine, and spirits to arrive as close to the beginning of your date as possible so the transition to talking is smooth and the activity helps foster that ‘we’re in it together’ feeling. Equally essential, agree on the time you plan to spend - we recommend 45 minutes to 1 hour for a video date.

#2: Light & Time of Day

You’d be surprised how many people don’t think about when the sun goes down in their area from season-to-season - so if you’re planning to meet outdoors, just a little reminder to think about those little things like light and temperature. Perhaps you meet in the park at dusk…before you know it, your fingers are ice cold and you’re desperate for a blanket. We’ve been there and want to save you the chill!

If dating from home, good lighting is without question your very best friend.

Make sure light sources are in front of you or slightly off to the side. Check your angles before the date. Do you like your laptop lifted on a stack of books or level on the table? While natural light from a nearby window is best, you can also move lamps around so they’re just right. There are products such as the trending ring light that has many new fans. Whatever you do, position your lighting with care and do a quick trial run pre-date.

#3: It’s All In the Details: Hype music, check. Ring a good friend for a pump-up chat, check. Whatever you like to do before a date, still do it!

The method and manner of dating may be in-flux right now, but your rituals don’t have to be.

Ladies, (and gents who are inclined), your beauty and self-care routines should all be intact - we argue even expanded. There has never been a better time to take more time for you. It could be jogging, meditation, hair and face masks, makeup.

Someone, somewhere has everyone believing getting glam isn’t for 2021 - what’s that about? Go for a soft glam glow or a bold red lip. Youtube artists like Najla and Eman create step-by-step applications for those wanting to try new looks.

#4: Saying Goodbye: So, you planned meticulously, showed up to shine, and it all came through beautifully in the execution (we hope!). Now, the last little part remains - ending the date with as little awkwardness as possible. 

Transitions can be an uncomfortable pressure point for many people, and wrapping up a first date is no exception.

Hopefully, you and your date followed our advice in the planning stage to set a time expectation. If so, you’re sitting pretty, and can easily say something like: Time has flown, this has been fun, thanks so much for your time! Why 45 minutes to a hour? An hour won’t feel too long if your date isn’t a love match, but also gives you enough time to get to know each other and exhibit respect and kindness for your date.

There’s a balance to strike here - as protecting your emotional energy is so important, especially right now. We never recommend staying on a date that’s draining you. You can set boundaries while also being compassionate and clear. And if it goes well, you can always extend or schedule a 2nd date! 

Without the legacy of convention to guide us, it may feel lonely or chaotic. We get that and have felt both.

From here, we hope to remind our readers that the tools they need are already in abundance: knowing and taking care of oneself + having the right attitude, discipline, and foresight to foster better quality dating experiences despite the challenges we’ve been facing. You can do it! Your Heartalytics team will be here to help - stay tuned for a follow-up article in March from our matchmaking team.

Hi singletons! Welcome to our Valentine’s Day Community forum - where we’re talking about what we’re up to tonight and sharing thoughts/feelings/insights on love and dating in 2021. Comment to start a topic, reply on topics already started or simply share how you are celebrating Valentine’s Day to join the conversation.

Comments are monitored - only kind comments are welcomed here on Heartalytics !

As matchmakers, we set up dates weeks in advance after much searching and screening. Significant consideration and orchestration is required to do the job right. We control the match, the day and time, and the venue. What we cannot control, however, (aside from whether chemistry occurs between two strangers), is the weather.

Torrential rain, ferocious winds, mountains of snow, thick fog that curtails driving speed to 2 miles per hour, and sweltering summer temperatures (that test our trusted deodorant), are the sort of elements we have ZERO control over.

Knowing this, I’m prepared when a client frantically calls pre-date panicking over uncooperative frizzy hair or lamenting over the new suede boots they suddenly cannot wear on a rainy night.

“Because while I can’t control the weather, I must certainly can help my clients weather the weather.”

So when a storm strikes, I share this story…

Dear Client:

Don’t fret over the rain/snow/fog/earthquake/tsunami, ok?

I’d like to share a true story. A year and a half ago I went on a date with a man who asked me to meet him uptown. I live in downtown Manhattan so it was a little bit of a chore, but he was cute and he chose a nice restaurant so I made the trip.

En route, I got off at the wrong subway stop, then preceded to get lost. Out of the blue, the skies darkened and it began to rain - hard. It was that kind of unpredicted hideous sideways downpour that falls so heavily the drops hurt on contact. You would think as an experienced Matchmaker, I would have every pre-first date potential catastrophe covered but, no…

I had no umbrella and was completely ill-prepared right down to my open-toe sling back heels. I was so unacceptably drenched near arrival that I had no choice but to run into a store and buy a new dress with only minutes to spare, unceremoniously abandoning the well-considered outfit I had carefully planned.

The new dress did not fit well. I’m short (5’0’’) so it really should have been hemmed half a foot! Regardless, to this day, my (now) boyfriend still talks about the beautiful dress I wore on that very rainy night. And when we wake up to grey skies and heavy rain, we both know we are going to have another especially great day together.

And now, when I have multiple clients going out on an evening plagued by inclement weather, I think to myself, someone is going to have a lucky night.

“The point is, rain does not a great date break.”

If the elements are fair for mutual attraction to strike, a bit of rain will not prevent it. Also consider that while it might feel safer (to our egos) to believe that wet hair is why there wasn’t a second date, instead consider that it simply wasn’t a match.

That is, without a doubt, a more summery (and pragmatic) view.

Eat Date Love, 

Brigitte Weil, Tawkify Matchmaker, Chef + Founder, I Hate Celery Sticks
For more information on Brigitte, click here. 

“Sexual assault is one of the most traumatic experiences anyone can go through,” might just be the understatement of 2018. Let’s look at the facts: 1 in 5 women and 1 in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college. Rape is the most under-reported crime, and 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police (National Sexual Violence Resource Center).

If you are a survivor of sexual assault, you might think the trauma is long behind you. The scary truth is there’s no expiration date on trauma — you may find a sexually abusive experience from 15 years ago is still haunting you; and for many survivors, the power and prevalence of movements like #MeToo can bubble up significant sexual traumas not yet acknowledged.

Recovering from sexual abuse is difficult, especially if you don’t have access to professional guidance along the journey to healing.

One of the most commonly shared experiences for those recovering from sexual trauma is the tension between a fear of intimacy and a deep longing to feel fully embraced in an intimate partnership.

Whatever stage in the process, trauma need not keep you permanently single! This guide is designed to help survivors of sexual assault make constructive steps to dating healthfully. Please note these steps may not be in chronological order. Execute whatever steps are most helpful within the context of your trauma.

1. Heal First, Date Later

Your trauma is not your fault, no matter what the voices in your head might tell you.

That said, even though you aren’t responsible for what happened to you, you are responsible for your healing.

After sexual assault, many, if not most people, respond by suppressing their feelings, never getting help, and avoiding the pain. Avoidance is only a temporary coping mechanism, not a long-term strategy. The more you avoid the pain, the worse it’s going to feel when your psyche or body eventually forces you to confront it.

Survivors of sexual assault often find themselves single for years with a long history of ‘almost relationships’ without really understanding why. When it comes to our love lives, fear and pain must be addressed. Otherwise, trauma will eventually sabotage every romantic relationship that comes along.

In other cases, survivors jump from relationship to relationship hoping that finding “the one” will finally put them at ease. But the truth is, we can’t establish lasting love (or true intimacy) until we are at peace enough with past trauma that the swings of strong emotion and commitment can be weathered healthfully. Until then, relationships are at best superficial, and at worst emotionally disastrous.

Healing is going to be different for everyone. Some people thrive in talk-therapy, others prefer more alternative therapies like hypnosis, reiki, or acupuncture. Whatever route you choose, the most important thing is that you are committing to your wellness, not just searching for a relationship to ‘fix’ it.

2. Get a Massage

This might sound a bit weird, but after sexual assault, many shut down in response to any kind of intimate touch. Fear of intimacy is often one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome. But physical intimacy is a hugely important part of any relationship, so before you start dating again, you’ll want to re-familiarize yourself with physical contact.

Getting a massage provides a safe and relaxing way to familiarize yourself with intimate touch (and nudity) again.

If you’re more of a crunchy/granola type, getting a massage can have an added benefit. In Eastern medicine, it’s believed that trauma is stored within your body. One of the best ways to release stagnant emotions locked in your muscles is through massage!

3. Prioritize Safety

After trauma, the creation and enforcement of boundaries is paramount. Survivors pushed too far from their comfort zone while dating experience panic attacks, regressed healing, and/or heightened depression and anxiety. In other words, relapse.

To avoid this, safety should be the main priority for every single date.

That means choosing public, well-lit locations, sharing your location with a friend, and taking your sweet time before becoming sexually intimate with a love interest.

I also recommend a very thoughtful approach to consuming substances, and would argue refraining from using substances altogether is the safer choice. After sexual assault, feeling in-control with a clear mind is a major cornerstone of healthy healing. It might seem like 1-2 drinks would calm anxiety, but alcohol also has the potential to make you feel disoriented and panicky.

4. Have an Anxiety Toolkit

For many, anxiety is an unavoidable bi-product of dating, at least at first. I’ve known people who have given up dating altogether because the anxiety was simply too much to bear.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself: “Is my anxiety a form of self-sabotage because I’m still afraid of intimacy?” If the answer is yes, continue with healing work (see point #1).

Dating anxiety can be caused by sexual assault, or other traumas (such as heart-break, rejection, divorce, etc…). No matter what, those who experience this type of anxiety need a pre-date toolkit prepared to head-off any potential issues.

This might mean going to a yoga class to center yourself before a date, texting your friend during, or writing yourself a letter explaining why you deserve love and intimacy. Another suggestion, try meditation! There are excellent guided meditations online designed specifically for pre-date jitters.

Basically, pinpoint 2-3 activities or behaviors that help you feel powerful and stable and religiously perform those activities in preparation for your date. This is really about personal care, which doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Cultivate the relationship with yourself that you hope to develop with another person. This is your anxiety toolkit.

5. Move Slowly

When you finally find someone you feel comfortable around, you might be tempted to jump in with both feet first, arms high in the air! But, wait… there is room for healthy hesitation here. Just because you feel great one day, doesn’t mean you are able to see the full emotional picture; you might still have a lot of healing to do before you can enter fully into a sexual and emotional partnership.

You also don’t want to ruin a good thing by jumping into a sexually intimate relationship, only to end up getting triggered and re-traumatizing yourself. Before you make any decisions, keep in mind that you are still in a healing, vulnerable place and should move forward accordingly. It might even be a good idea to consult with a therapist before becoming sexually intimate.

6. Delete the Dating Apps

Dating apps are typically not your friend when re-entering the dating world after sexual assault. It can feel overwhelming and even trigger trauma when you’re suddenly bombarded by likes and messages from potential romantic interests. You have no control over what messages will be sent to you, some of which will likely be aggressive and sexual in nature.

Plus, there isn’t a great deal of vetting you can do before meeting someone, which could end up triggering your anxiety, or worse putting you in an unsafe situation. Keep in mind, dating apps have no barrier for entry; literally anyone can join and they don’t necessarily have to provide real information.

When you start dating again, dip your toe back in the water with more traditional ways of meeting people. Ask your friends to set you up, work with a matchmaker, or reach out to that old friend you were always secretly interested in.

7. Practice Zero Tolerance for Red Flags

“That seems fishy, but maybe I’m just being paranoid. I should be open-minded and less judgmental.”

You aren’t being paranoid or judgmental, you are being a mature adult who prioritizes their own safety over being liked.

If something seems off, it probably is. And at this point, it’s better to close the door on someone nice than to end up accidentally dating someone abusive and blaming yourself later for not seeing the red flags.

When Should You Talk to Your Partner about Sexual Assault?

This is kind of a tricky question to answer. It really depends on how comfortable you feel and how emotionally intimate you are with your partner. Sharing your sexual assault story too soon could end up being too intense for your partner, especially if they are dealing with their own trauma.

That being said, it may be something important to share if you want to have a truly intimate emotional partnership. Timing is key, don’t rush it. Share when you sense it’s the right and natural point in the relationship to have that conversation.

When to share also depends on where you are in the healing journey. If you’re still in a raw and vulnerable state, sharing this information with a new partner could be overwhelming for you personally, which does not aid your healing.

Alternatively, if you are in an advanced place with your healing, letting your partner know about an experiences that has shaped you and what you are working on personally, can be liberating. Please note that however and whenever you share, it’s important that your partner is not made to feel responsible for your emotional healing. It’s great to feel supported by your partner, but everyone’s healing is ultimately their own responsibility and it’s never fair to put that pressure on another person.

Learn more about Professional Matchmaker, Isabella Beham, here.

Letter from the Editor: As many of you are experiencing first-hand, the Coronavirus is impacting all of our lives in significant ways. It seems as though a sense of unease has spread across the country with COVID-19, infecting us all with a general feeling of uncertainty. The virus, in this way, has a fool-proof contagion rate. And whether you’re single, dating, married, casual, still figuring it out, (whatever!), you feel it.

You wonder what’s coming next.

In speaking with a colleague today, we realized suddenly that there will likely be a fair amount of breakups as the situation develops. There’s nothing quite like forcing two people into a confined space with no escape to test commitment and compatibility for weeks on weeks, is there not?

It’s true, no matter what your relationship status may be, this is uncharted territory. The proof is in the petri dish—we’ve seen virtual dating go from trend to king-of-the-mountain right before our very eyes. It’s enough to give you whiplash! But don't fret, we're here to help. Which is something I feel we're uniquely positioned to do, aided by our long collective experience in utilizing digital tools and concepting to construct what we know today as modern matchmaking. It started here, so yes, it’s been a truly fascinating week! Not only at Tawkify, but in the entire dating space.

We want to tawk about that.

We'll start by interviewing our very own king-of-the-mountain, Kenneth Shaw, Tawkify’s Co-founder and CEO. Here, we talk about what’s going on right now, what we’re doing in response, and a series of other tantalizing revelations you must read on to discover.

Take care, Valerie Presley, Editor of Heartalytics

VP: Kenneth, what a week it’s been! I know you’ve had an interesting vantage point, so I want to start BIG…in the midst of social distancing, what’s the impact on dating climate?

KS: That is BIG, Val!…I would say that it’s raising peoples’ awareness. COVID-19 is bringing up core questions in our society around the value of connection. We’re seeing virtual connecting trending because it’s an essential commodity, now more than ever.

VP: True…I’m curious, how do you think we’re adapting? I mean, these are big waves.

KS: They are….But while social distancing is indeed new in this sense and in these circumstances, it’s not such an unprecedented moment for us...it’s not unfamiliar.

“We’ve been concerned about social distancing for years, long before COVID-19 hit. It’s been front of mind, it’s exactly the kind of problem we work to mitigate.”

Also, we started as a service where people connected on dates over the telephone.

VP: This is the ah-hah moment in which everyone realizes where the name Tawkify comes from.

(laughs)

KS: That’s right, it was a play on talk! We ended up curating real world date experiences because so many of our clients liked each other enough on the telephone to meet in real-life. When I look back, I see that our product pivoted largely as a result of intrigue created over a virtual connection.  

So our experience in the “digital” connection world is long-standing. Not only regarding telephone dates, (which like video, creates a separation between two people in the introductory phase), but also in that literally we’ve been setting up clients on video dates for years, as well as using Zoom in our business to connect with one another. As you’ve seen, it’s a powerful tool.

VP: True.

KS: Right, so we like this type of connecting. Specifically concerning dating though, we’ve found that the video platform provides a lot of immediate benefits.

VP: I’m writing an article about that, Kenneth!

KS: OK, so you already know some of what I’m going to say?

VP: Probably, yes.

(laughs)

KS: Basically, we’ve found video dating to be a fun and effective option for first dates, or, introductions as we call them. There’s less pressure and a better sense of control. We’re all super busy—even in quarantine. With a video date, you spend as much or as little time as you want, and everyone is comfortable enough in their own space to relax and really see if there’s a connection to be made. It’s amazing how well it can go; we had one that lasted for over 6 hours last week! They walked their computers doing full house tours, talked each other’s heads off, cooked together...that would have never happened on a traditional first date.

And of course, there’s the intrigue and suspense…the unique quality of connecting in a non-traditional way.

VP: How’s it been going though? I mean, we never set up THIS many virtual dates before. How is everyone responding to this?

KS: I’m inspired by what’s been going on. Some clients are happy about no travel commutes, the ease of meeting up, the sense of security in their own homes.

We had one client who was reluctant at first, but their virtual date lasted 3 hours. They’re going to keep “video dating“ until they can get together IRL. Others have drawn comparisons to the popular Netflix series “Love Is Blind”... I can’t help but imagine all the virtual dating love stories about to unfold, Val!

Basically, I’m encouraged by the response so far…we’re going to keep learning and making this a fun and worthwhile time to date, quarantine or no. Even when we can resume primarily in-person introductions, I think some daters will want this as part of the mix.

VP: I do wonder though…what about those who are skeptical about dating virtually right now. What say you to those clients?

(laughs)

KS: I say to them…no problem, we get it! Some daters won’t be into it, and that’s OK. There’s so much change happening, it’s a normal response to change, to feel resistant, or even to just go on lockdown in times of uncertainty. This is not an easy time for anyone.

We just hope that clients who start to feel isolated and start needing more connection, will keep us posted and be willing to give this a try. Based on early feedback, I think they’ll be pleasantly surprised. It’s something you can lean into gradually, there’s no rush.

VP: Love that. Power to the dater!

(laughs)

VP: Where else do you see virtual connecting popping up right now?

KS: Everywhere people are wanting to connect! I’m keeping up with the viral video content daily. From Italians singing sonnets out of their balconies to TikTok videos of kids homeschooling. It’s been super inspiring to witness people’s creativity. One of our matchmakers Lori Cashman Irwin made this heartwarming “Love Can’t Be Quarantined” video, and people literally cried when they saw it.

“Matchmaker Sherrie Adams, created the ”Quarantini” video date concept, everyone was charmed and we’re all waiting on the recipe.”

VP: Let’s all get together and do a virtual toast with a group Quarantini!

KS: Oh, definitely!

(laughs)

VP: In all seriousness, (not that I wasn’t completely serious about the Quarantini), what is the big goal here for Tawkify? Is it virtual date by virtual date, or is something more global going on here? What are you thinking about, right now, that matters most to you?

KS: That’s tough…I’m thinking about a lot of things right now. But really…I want us to bring some levity to this whole thing because it would be easy not to.

I want us to be able to make someone’s quarantine experience a little bit better by “sending them” somewhere else, with someone else, for however long they choose to be sent.

And if they make a human connection, maybe even a potential romantic connection, I say, job well done.

VP: You’re a ray of sunshine, Kenneth Shaw, you know that?

KS: I’ve been told.

(blushes, laughs)

VP: This isn’t our last conversation about this, so let’s wrap this one up with something people can use…how can people set themselves up for a good virtual date?

KS: Hmm…good one.

Think about how you can enhance the moment. Focus on how you’ll show up to the other person. Is there a pile of laundry behind you? Clean it up or move to another spot! Pick a nice corner that’s comfortable. Put a smile on your face, look into the camera to make “eye contact.”

(Try not to look at yourself the whole time, weird.)

Choose clothes that offer enough contrast on screen to frame you well.

VP: Great tip, that one. And LIGHTING.

KS: Yes, lighting. Lighting plays a big part. If you’re using Zoom, be sure to check your settings and click on the enhancement option. You want to think about lighting in the room, be sure it’s in front of you and not behind you keeping you literally in the dark.

The lighting in the room, the framing of your screen, the serenity of your home—all of this adds up to the image you’re projecting. You want to create a situation that promotes a natural flow of conversation, which is certainly more likely when you’re physically relaxed and present. A Quarantini or a nice cup of tea doesn’t hurt.

Also, consider ideas to keep the conversation going. We recommend coordinating wine or meal deliveries to partake of the same experience at once, and discuss. Perhaps pick a trivia category, or conversation-starter card deck, there are so many cool ones out there! We love planning games and activities for clients on these dates that gives them a place to start.

VP: It’s a whole new kind of date concept for us to iterate on!

KS: Yep! There are fun, good connections to be made during this weird weird time. We’re here to support, inspire, and help connect you with some kindred spirits along the way.

VP: Kenneth, this has been great, I’d like to talk to you more about this in the weeks ahead. I feel like it will still be relevant, OK?

KS: I’ll be here.

(smiles, goodbyes)

VP: Stay tuned for expanded articles, expert tips, and successful virtual dating stories to guide and inspire you through the coming weeks. You can't leave home, but we're not going anywhere.

For years and years, it was just you. Yes, there were boyfriends, girlfriends, not-quite-sure friends…but now, there’s an “us.” Prepare for change, because change is coming. New article series, Marry This, is about the serious relationships in our lives and how to be the best "you" in them.

Everyone is invited to Marry This. If you’re not an “us” yet, our Editor is here to prepare you. If you’ve been married for 30 years, she’s here to spice things up!

First article in the column, From Me to Us: Coupling In Quarantine, is focused on supporting our coupled readers through the COVID-19 crisis.

How does confinement change relationship dynamics? What’s the best mindset to adopt in present circumstances? And in what ways can our partnerships strengthen—even under pressure?

Love is a fairy tale, right?

A special bond in which you disclose your deepest, darkest secrets. A private space, a closed room, a place to lose yourself in the arms of someone else. Maybe, but not quite...because forever requires significant and ongoing personal work, and just as much TLC.

Especially during a viral pandemic.

And while we absolutely want supportive, empathetic partners, it’s important to remember that our partners are not our priests, not our therapists, and certainly not our parents. These are uncertain times, emotional times, scary times, but just like your sanity, your relationship is to be guarded like the precious gift that it is.

Right now, many of us are experiencing emotional swings as we process the ever-evolving symptoms of social distancing—the new norm that is quarantine. I’ve received reports from readers describing periods of hyper-productivity followed by periods of hyper-lull. Perhaps you’re struggling to find balance in this new set of circumstances. That’s more than OK, you’re most certainly not alone.

What’s not OK: Offloading all of that uncertainty, internal strife and stress on your partner. When you’re feeling overwhelmed: Draw a nice bath, pick up a book, tackle a project, or simply lie down and try to think through it before involving your loved one. Now, more than ever, self-reflection and the ability to self-soothe are imperative to maintain peace in our close relationships.

Because there is no escape.

At least, no escape in the physical sense. This notion may feel dark at first look, but there are many opportunities to consider…such as: for the first time, in a long time, you have practically no external obligations or distractions. There is time to explore and fortify your bond.

What can you learn from (and about) your partner while in quarantine?

What stories can you tell each other? What games can you play? Perhaps it’s been a while since you checked-in on their inner-workings, desires, hopes and dreams.

A somewhat basic, but critically acclaimed place to start digging-in: The concept of “love languages.” Every matchmaker I’ve talked to about this concurs, there is indeed substance to the love language model. Start by thinking about and discussing what those dynamics are within your relationship. Are you craving more quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and/or gift-giving?

But one love language is universal: we feel loved when we feel understood.

This is what lends power to the love languages model. Start by discovering what makes your partner tick—observe, experiment, have fun in the exploration. Novelty in our relationships (especially regarding long-term partnerships) is a beautiful rarity. What mysteries does your partner have for you?

“Marriage” can begin to feel like a book you’ve already read. You may think you have all the answers, but wouldn’t it be much more fun to be wrong about that? Who knows what you’ll find, or just how special your loved one will feel to be the object of your inquiry.

Your curiosity is a gift. Give it to the people you love.

COVID-19 has taught us one thing for certain: we’re not always in total control. Apply this learning to your relationship. In what ways can you let go of the reigns? Defer to asking more questions, making space for change, and for your partner to feel unbound despite the isolation. I strongly believe that we miss out on unexpected satisfaction when we’re always in-control. If you’re typically in the driver’s seat, let your partner take the lead and vice versa.

The healthiest relationships in my life, and of those I’ve observed through my work, are grounded in empowerment. It’s a balance of giving love in the way your partner prefers, while receiving and accepting it in your desired form. To break down these barriers, spend time analyzing and finding compatibilities. And never lose sight of:

You are strong as an individual within your partnership.

A strong relationship takes two strong people. And while unquestionably being in love brings countless blessings, there is also something poignant and essential about knowing (and celebrating) your worth outside of the relationship.

Strength within coupling means you’re capable without them, but better with them.

The ability to be your own unique person with your own equally unique passions, struggles, and characteristics illustrates that you are self-motivated, that your relationship complements and enhances who you are—not defines who you are. Next and more relevant than ever:

Take the ‘good’ with the ‘bad’

You can’t have good days without knowing what the bad ones feel like. It would be unrealistic to think that every moment of your relationship is (and will be) sunshine and rainbows. How do you get past the rainy quarantine days? Simple answer: you just do. In other words, don’t give up when the going gets tough.

And know, without any doubt, that no matter who you’re with, it will get tough.

As long as respect, love and trust is still there, it’s worth fighting for. There are times in most relationships where giving up can seem like the better option. But ironically, one of the best ways to rebuild is to bite the bullet and talk through that big scary argument or rough patch anyway. Try it. While constant arguments certainly aren’t recommended, occasional fighting can actually aid your relationship. 

There are no winners or losers.

In times of trouble, embrace the above concept like it’s water on a hot dry day. Using constructive criticism and adopting the mindset of: It’s you two against the problem as opposed to you vs. your partner will drastically improve how you tackle conflict as a couple. This also requires a willingness to want to improve. Every relationship on the planet, that’s lasted more than 48 hours, has endured conflict. Both partners’ desire to connect, despite hard times and despite uncertainty, is what keeps people together. And when there is uncertainty:

Work together to plan ahead.

When it’s time to make big, difficult decisions, come together to discuss the circumstances—like finances, children, illness, a global pandemic, you name it. You’ve likely heard that money issues are among the biggest causers of divorce (and it’s true). People who consider their partners financially irresponsible are 10x more likely to break up.

This feels more pertinent than ever, as the rhythms of life and economy verge off-track.

Opening up to discuss the bigger picture, such as financial goals as a couple, and/or how you’ll work together to get through current difficulties, will only strengthen your bond, and better prepare you for whatever comes next. Have you drafted a 2-week plan, 1-month plan, 2-month plan?

Have you considered job alternatives, relocation, life insurance policies, etc…what about the details of the latter? Through a spot of research I discovered that individual policies can be more cost-effective. As long as you name each other as the primary beneficiary, the death benefit funds associated with separate coverage acts as a safety net for your spouse. Dig in together and talk through how you two would like to handle it.

Having these more serious conversations, (in addition to the fun ones!) won’t take away from your individual goals, but instead, demonstrates your ability to work together while navigating uncomfortable topics and fears. In such uncertain times, where anxiety is high, it also provides peace of mind to have a clear plan of action. Most importantly, this builds a partnership that values self-sufficiency.

Love is an action as much as it’s a feeling. Show it, chase after it, find new ways to express it. Uncover places where it’s been hiding.

Because it will hide. And when it does, while your first response may be to withdraw or rage, think of what you can do to remind your partner, and yourself, of the powerful feelings truly holding you together.

Often, it takes just a kind word, a hearty laugh, a good kiss…

And kiss like you mean it.

I advise our couples to regard their partners from a mindset of exploration. Truly, there is such excitement, joy and pleasure to seek out. When you first started dating, you felt that. You felt it all the time, in every small smile, in every untold story. It’s all still there. And there’s much more to uncover. Here are some fun ideas (all quarantine savvy) to get you started:

• Draw a bath for your partner just because

• Play a 2-person game (Amazon to the rescue!)

• Brew tea or hot chocolate, choose a record to play while you sip

Bring out family/couple photo albums to leaf through if the mood is right.

• Cook a nice dinner and surprise your partner with a beautiful setting

• Sketch your partner while lounging and then show it to them with a big smile:

This isn’t about being a fine artist, it’s about expressing to your partner that you’re thinking of them, that you think they’re special.

• After a long work-from-home day, have cocktails and hors d'oeuvres ready, with a mini menu of movies queued-up for your partner to choose from.

• Work out: Yoga classes on YouTube are free and fantastic for stress release and bonding.

• Or simply ask them, What would you like to do tonight?

This question, asked with genuine excitement, is oh so sweet!

Whatever you do, do it with love,

Valerie Presley Editor, Heartalytics

One of my favorite things that the fast moving world of tech has produced is video chat. Now is the time to grab onto it like it’s…hand sanitizer during a quarantine! Use it to connect with your loved ones, use it to connect with people you never talk to anymore. Use it to connect with people you haven’t met yet. Use it to date!

Matchmaker Sarah Isely

You might think a viral pandemic would really get a matchmaker down.

And for a moment, I was concerned. Let’s face it, nothing spells trouble in the romance business like a contagious virus! But it didn’t take long for me to consider potential silver linings…savings for my clients in terms of time, expense and stress chief among them.

That said, after personally planning, executing and collecting feedback from many virtual dates, I see that while those are the most obvious perks, they are neither the only nor the most beneficial reasons to take your next date virtual. In short, the results have been…intriguing, leading me to identify a unique set of advantages the video date format presents. Starting with:

1. It's good for you.

The most high trafficked hashtag right now is #socialdistancing. By the hour, we're receiving reports that all the places we normally socialize are closing their doors, to stay inside, to keep 6 feet away from anyone and everyone. These are all sage pieces of advice during a pandemic, certainly, but consider this a public service announcement that total social distancing has ill effects on your health.

This landmark study, and research by author and sociologist Eric Klinenberg, teach that a lack of social connection is of greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure. The former concluded that strong social connections lead to a 50% increased chance of longevity, and a strengthening of the immune system. Research by Steve Cole, a genomic researcher at UCLA, shows that genes impacted by loneliness also code for immune function and inflammation, faster recovery from disease, injury, and may even lengthen your life. The point?

Now more than ever, human-to-human connection matters and social distancing doesn't have to mean social isolation.

2. Lower stakes, No shortage of potential.

Getting dressed up to meet a date is thrilling, but it can foster a fair amount of anxiety coupled with the risk of disappointment. Not to mention, some of us (many of our matchmaking clients, for example) don't have the extra time to primp in-between deadlines and meetings, while juggling personal obligations.

I’ve found that many of my clients are embracing a lower commitment initial video meetup to assess chemistry before committing to a first date. It's a more gentle way to dip your toe in before jumping in all the way. When there's a chemistry mis-fire on a video chat, you can just wish the person well and push a button to log-off rather than paying for an Uber back home, or footing the bill for a dinner you wish hadn't happened.

We won't be sheltering-in-place forever, but for right now, in these unique set of circumstances, it can save you time and stress, not to mention costly date and transportation expenses. And who knows, you just might like it!

3. It's not screen deep.

I’ve been hearing this a lot: Will I truly be able to make a real connection through my computer screen? I understand, this is new territory for everyone, even those of us working in the relationship space.

Picture this: you're set up in your favorite lounge chair, glass of port in hand, house slippers on deck, dog within reach. You're wearing your favorite things (PJs from waist down, anyone?), surrounded by the comfort of your home, and about to share that same experience with someone else.

With my clients, and across the board, we’re hearing that people feel more themselves without the distraction of noisy restaurants or bars; they’re connecting in surprisingly authentic ways and feeling more present than they typically do on first dates. And for online daters who do meet-up IRL based on a 20 year photo, or photos of a different person entirely, video dating seems to be the cure. Why some daters think it's better:

Insight into someone else, who they truly are, what they're really about, often comes when you see them in their home. When you engage with their personal space, and they do the same in yours.

Not to mention the sense of ease and control you both have over the situation. There is no concern over the seating, ambience, even the lighting! Everything is under your control, including how much you share. Maybe the art on your wall becomes a topic or you get to see a glimpse of their decorating style, pets, or family photos—you both consciously and unconsciously get to see each other more.

Virtual dates can last anywhere from 15 minutes for a basic chemistry check to a longer dive into one another's likes, dislikes, histories, even game-playing, house tours, truly learning about one another. Tawkify’s virtual daters have reported first dates lasting 2 hours, 3 hours, one over 6 (which rarely happens on typical first dates!).

Editor Side Story: We had a client who showed up make-up free for a first date, for the first time ever! She shared later: “There I was, in my home, just me, and I felt more relaxed and myself on a first date than ever before.”

(They clicked, it was a yes-yes match!)

This is what dating is right now.

We’re living in a time with more people wanting to connect without compromising their standards or safety. Virtual dating provides that, especially now within the context of COVID-19.

4. It's a more reliable chemistry test.

One of the most elusive qualities my clients desire in a first date is chemistry. In my view, that “magical feeling” we all seek is very fickle. It can show up at any time and disappear just as suddenly when you know too much.

In a video chat, you don’t have the same level of access to make the quick physical judgments that you do from an online dating photo or from meeting IRL.

Simply put, people aren’t always at their best on a first date. Video meetups lower the stress threshold. People can relax and lean into getting to know one another without feeling pressure either physically, or to provide their contact info, or to bypass all the end-of-date 'what should we do now' anxiety.

You can just chat, connect and worry about possible chemistry later, when it does or does not stir...and it might be even more likely to show its elusive face once you’ve had some good conversation and a chance to see a more relaxed, authentic side of each other first. When we can all leave home again, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th dates can be in-person, completely bypassing first date jitters altogether.

(#5 from the Editor)

5. You can be more creative...even a little silly.

Conversation across the table from a stranger is very rarely a totally smooth sail. We’re experimenting with date themes, games and activities on virtual dates. Our matchmakers have coordinated meal delivery of the same recipe for daters to cook "together," helping each other sort through instructions (while checking out each other's skills in the kitchen). 

We've ordered the same bottle of wine to both parties so they can open it together, discuss taste and "share" the experience. We've planned dates around game playing, such as custom trivia prompts and interactive card games that would be impossibly awkward to do on a first date, in a public place, but so much fun from home! You’re cooped up, but there’s no quarantine on having a good time. 

Welcome to A Single Serving Podcast: this is where we change the discussion around being single into one that doesn’t suck.

Sophy Singer is a matchmaker—a real one. She's a natural connector of human beings who has spent years bringing people together, and this week she's sharing her perspective and insights as a matchmaker with the single community.

— Shani Silver, A Single Serving

We love how this podcast opens, and we love even more that Brooklyn based writer and freelancer, Shani Silver, chats with our very own Sophy Singer in recent episode: Full Yenta Mode.

Insider tips: The interview officially begins at minute 3:48. Readers who’re crunched for time and already familiar with the matchmaking process, may like to jump to 41:50 for dating life topics unrelated to the former like: dating intentions, conversation topics, Tracy McMillan, sex, alcohol, rock n’roll (not literally on the last but you get the picture), and more!

In Shani’s words, Sophy is a dating “shock absorber,” and this particular episode is: A great listen for anyone looking to develop a positive and practical headspace around dating and single-hood.

Listen to A Single Serving Podcast on iTunes, and visit Shani on her website.

More on Sophy…

Sophy’s been there. Following the end of an engagement, Sophy went on countless dates, receiving mentoring and therapy while she was in the trenches of it. Over time, she noticed she was good at dating, and enjoyed the process—so much so that she developed a reputation as the person to come to for dating advice. She’s been working in the dating space ever since. Ten years later, Sophy is married with six-year-old twins. She’s been a dating coach for over ten years, as well as a professional matchmaker with Tawkify, going on 4 years now. Sophy has curated over 600 dates, serviced over 200 clients, and recruited countless singles into the Tawkify "Romance Rolodex." Over the past three years, she has been rated five out of five stars in 63 unique customer satisfaction surveys at Tawkify.

In other words, she’s a rock star!

When people ask Sophy: Why do I need a matchmaker? What's wrong with me?  Her response is always: Nothing is wrong with you! You can afford me. Other Sophy tips and tricks we love: "Let go of the outcome," and, "I love making connections between human beings that can help them in life. Whatever those may be."

I recently got out of a long relationship and have just started dating and having sex with other women again. What do I have to do to make sure I’m being safe? – Brett

Hey Brett,

Getting back out there after a long relationship can be a daunting task, but there are definitely ways to ensure you’re doing it safely. Your sexual health is an essential aspect of your overall health and wellbeing—both mentally and physically, so it’s great that you’re looking to approach it correctly.

And, with September being World Sexual Health Month, it’s great timing to remind ourselves of the importance of sexual health and how to improve our own. 

A healthy intimate life can not only lower your risk of contracting certain diseases and boost your pleasure, but it can also help decrease stress levels and improve mood. In other words, it’s crucial to know how to stay sexually healthy in order to live a long and fulfilling life.

In honor of the month, here are four tips on how to take better care of your sexual health through simple lifestyle changes. Adopt some or adapt them to your own situation in order to go into your next date safely, and with confidence

1. Get educated

The most important thing you can do for your sexual health is to understand what it means in your life and to stay up-to-date. Make sure you’re informed about basic sexual health news: the World Health Organization and CDC offer informative articles that detail fundamentals every sexually-active person should know. Consider reading up so you can make more informed decisions in the dating world.

Then ask yourself: what are the things that I need to look out for specifically, and what are ways that my approach to sex can be improved? Are there certain ways I put myself at risk when it comes to sex? It’s important that you view your sexual health with a personal perspective so you can adapt the approach to suit your lifestyle, gender, sexual orientation, and needs.

2. Always stay protected

Whether it’s birth control pills, a female condom, or the classic latex condom, it’s important that you always use protection when having sex with a new partner–for your safety and for theirs. All three provisions will help avoid unwanted pregnancy, which is an important aspect of sexual health. It’s important to remember, however, that only condoms will protect you from STDs and STIs, so you should still use them with new partners, even if birth control medication is being used.

3. Listen to your body and get tested

Sexual health is also partly based on your awareness about how your body works during intimacy. It’s important to know the distinction between sexual dysfunction and STDs, and the different ways they can present in your body so you can enjoy more pleasure from sex and stay safe. 

A sexual dysfunction is a physical or mental issue that prevents you from having, or fully enjoying, sex. They’re actually much more common than most people think and are often identified through noticeable patterns when it comes to sex. Premature ejaculation, for example, is a dysfunction that’s evidenced in the regular inability to control orgasm and a climax that’s than desired. It’s up to you to listen to your body in order to get treated and enjoy a healthy sex life: if you notice ejaculation issues, for instance, (or any issues!) in the majority of your sexual encounters, then you may have a dysfunction and should consult a doctor. 

STDs, on the other hand, are diseases themselves that are transmitted through sexual intercourse. They are often discovered through their symptoms and should always be addressed as soon as possible. While common diseases like gonorrhea have distinct signs, including burning while urinating and strange discharge, not all have symptoms, and even those that commonly present with symptoms don’t always have them. Some STDs can cause serious long-term health effects or be spread to your partner, so it’s important to get regularly checked if you’re having sex with multiple partners. 

4. Seek treatment

If you’ve noticed certain issues beginning to interrupt your sex life, it’s time to ask for help. Luckily, most issues are easily-treated after you get diagnosed by a doctor and work with them to find the appropriate treatment.

For a sexual dysfunction, your doctor will likely need to ask you a few questions to understand your diagnosis. If you’re diagnosed with a dysfunction like PEJ, your doctor will likely prescribe an oral treatment, like sertraline, that increases the time and effort required to reach orgasm so you can get back in the game. They also might recommend therapy to deal with any performance-related anxieties. For an STD, however, your doctor will need to test you, either through a blood, urine, saliva, or swab test. If your results show a disease like gonorrhea, they will be able to prescribe an antibiotic like ceftriaxone to kill the disease-causing bacteria and clear your symptoms so you can return to a healthy sex life. 

Parting thoughts…perhaps the most important thing to remember is that your approach to sexual health should be based on your individual situation. Be sure that you’re listening to your body, and utilizing these tips, in order to move forward with a secured sense of wellbeing, and get back out there with confidence!

You've got this, 

Jack

Welcome to Ask Jack! An advice column where our male friends and colleagues tackle selected reader questions submitted via the ask page. Not every 'Jack' will do it in the same way — so don't miss a single episode!

Today's 'Jack' is an industry leader who owns his own well-known men's product company. He's been helping men feel and look confident for decades. Thanks for answering Brett’s question, Jack!

Single Spotlight is a Heartalytics interview series in which our editor interviews and features different singles from the Tawkify network. Please note that while this column unmasks one eligible community member 1-2 times a year, the Tawkify network remains completely confidential. If you would like to be considered for our next Single Spotlight, join the waiting list. Get ready to meet former client, handsome DC bachelor, Matthew McCombs!

V: Let's start with the easy stuff. Who are you Matthew?

M: All right! My name Matthew McCombs. I'm forty nine, just turned forty nine on July 30th, and I live in Washington D.C.

V: (That means he's a Leo ladies!) How long have you lived in DC?

M: I've been in and out of D.C. all of my life.

V: OK, so you’re a true DC local. And you’re raising your children there as well?

M: Yes, two girls.

V: Right, and I understand you have custody of your daughters. Tell us about being a dad. What's it like raising two little women?

M: It’s great! I think I always knew I would have daughters. They are 9 and 13. My girls are a blast. Right now, it’s all K-Pop and punch-buggy-no-punch-backs. My eldest says “Dad, you are totally cringy, bro.” So, they have jokes for days.

ARE YOU A POSSIBLE MATCH FOR MATTHEW? EMAIL VALERIE ACKLER AT EDITOR@TAWKIFY.COM. CONTACT INFORMATION WILL ONLY BE SHARED IF OUR TEAM AGREES WITH THE MATCH. ONLY THOSE APPROVED WILL RECEIVE A RESPONSE FROM OUR EDITOR. YOU MUST HAVE A COMPLETED TAWKIFY PROFILE TO BE CONSIDERED. DON’T HAVE ONE YET? CREATE A FREE PROFILE, HERE.

M: And, I don’t want to skip over the first part here. I have 50/50 custody. One week on, one off. My situation is uncommon, lucky. My ex and I put the girls first. In any divorce, undue hardship or harm to either parent always hurts the child. Our romantic relationship is in the past. Now, it’s about being there for the kids. Custody allows you to be present and being present is foundational…

“Without going too deep, I will say that custody is sacred.”

M: More women understand this. There isn’t any presence without custody, it’s the basis for parenting, motherhood, fatherhood. I feel that way about the custody of my girls.

V: I can feel the love from here, you are clearly a devoted parent! What kinds of things do you do to be present in their lives?

M: Well, I try to be active in all aspects of parenting. I cook, read to them, when they were babies I sang lullabies, and did diapers (of course!), I do hair. Currently making multiple menstrual kits for my eldest.

V: That’s completely amazing, Matthew.

M: Thank you! Grooming is another deep connection, just like nurturing and listening, validating emotion. I try not miss any of that. We joke a lot. I love the back and forth. On the role-modeling side, I’m not perfect. I try to be transparent and honest with them about my own strengths and limitations.

M: I want them to see me fall down seven times and get up eight….my parenting style has a parallel to the Wonderwoman story.

V: Oh really, do tell…

M: Have you seen the movie? Do you know the story?

V: Yes and somewhat.

M: OK, so you know Gal Gadot plays Diana aka Wonderwoman. Connie Nelsen and Robin Wright play, Hippolyta and Antiope, Diana’s mother and the great warrioress, respectively. Diana’s destiny is to confront Aries, the god of war. Diana desperately wants to be a warrior, but Hippolyta forbids it. Antiope secretly trains Diana. When Hippolyta finds out she accuses Antiope of betrayal, but Antiope tells Hippolyta she has betrayed Diana by not preparing her for Aries. I identify with Antiope. It’s my job as a parent to prepare my girls for the eventual flight from the nest.

V: How do you do that?

M: Well, there is book learning, traditional education, life skills, positive psychology, swimming, Mandarin, Krav Maga, critical thinking, etc. Most importantly, I want them to think for themselves and not let others do that for them. Basically, we have no princesses in the house just astronauts and accomplished women models, like Mae Jemison, Ruth Ginsburg, Korra the Avatar and Sailor Moon. So, it’s hard, rewarding work. It’s aspirational because there is no guarantee of outcome.

“Now, having said all that, since I’m off every other week and I have a travel bug, papa just maybe calling in on his week off from Santorini!”

V: You most certainly do have the travel bug! Weren’t you just in Bogota?

M: Yes! Mongolia and then Bogota. I've traveled to over 35 countries…

V: Wow!

M: Yeah, I like to travel solo…I've done the Serengeti, the safari, I've done Salto Angel which is the tallest waterfall in the world and in the Venezuelan Amazon. I like those types of destinations. I swam in the Amazon where the two rivers come together. I still have places to go though! I need to get to Egypt, Greece…you know, but I've been to a lot of magical places, Bali, Rio.

V: You have the wanderlust!

(Matthew starts speaking in Spanish)

V: Oh my! Are you fluent in Spanish?

M: Yes! I lived in Spain, in Barcelona, in 1996. I had a flat right on La Rambla Santa Monica.

V: There’s a lot to unravel here. We need to get back to the basics though! How would you describe yourself in your own words?

M: I think there's some objective ways to describe my personality and then I can just also give you a little bit of my own story…so that will be more subjective.

V: Shoot!

M: OK, I’m an ENTJ.

The ENTJ personality type is nicknamed the "Chief" and belongs to the NT Intellectual temperament. ENTJs are natural and decisive leaders. They are analytical, efficient and hardworking. They live in the world of ideas and have a great ability to debate.

V: Is that the Myers Briggs?

M: Yep, so ENTJ is extrovert intuitive thinker judge. There’s another one called DiSC, on that one I’m a Di.

V: OK, what does that mean?

M: It means that I have a very upfront style of communicating. Some people are more reserved. I'm very much a leaning forward kind of guy.

V: We did an interview this summer with another member, Jessie Older, for the last Single Spotlight. She would say that you’re a “chief.”

“Yeah I’m like the chief’s chief!”

(laughs)

M: And then there’s Gallop. My top two traits there are command and activator.

M: Those are objective ways to describe me. And they’re not wrong, but if I were to describe myself…I’m also introspective. I’m precise, I’m very consistent, creative, very energetic. I can be intense.

V: Intense how?

M: Well…I’m a good listener, but I tend to want to hear all the information and then evaluate.

V: Do you try to acquire all the info on first dates?

M: No! On first dates, I’m just trying to have fun.

V: I want to talk more about that. How do you approach dating?

M: My love languages are acts of service…you know…what can I do for you baby? You want that done soon?

“If I hear you say, I need this, I’m running, I’m already doing it.”

V: The 3 sexiest words any man can say, this was polled, were: I got this.

M: I generally got it! Also, physical touch. That said, I can speak the other love languages. I like buying gifts for the woman in my life. I understand words of affirmation. I understand quality time. But I’m probably not a good match for someone who speaks only in gift giving.

V: What makes you feel loved?

M: Definitely the love languages I speak, it’s sexy to me when my lady has “got it” too. You know, that’s beautiful, I don’t have to worry about that, she’s got it. Also, physical touch. Put it on me! The hugs and kisses and all that.

“I think what makes people happy is to be seen and understood.”

V: That’s hard!

M: Yes, it’s a difficult task, it’s not easy. And it sometimes requires vulnerability. If you understand someone, whether you agree with them or not, you can respond in a way that’s comprehensive and has a lot of sincerity and kindness. That’s important in a relationship. Also, laughter and levity, being able to be free around someone, unfiltered.

V: Yes, absolutely. Do you have a type?

M: You know…I think it’s more about what I’m looking for. I’m looking for someone with shared values, aspirations and lifestyle, complimentary personality, similar interests.

V: What’s your heritage?

M: My mother is Afro-american. My father is white, Scotch-Irish.

V: I saw photos of your parents on your Instagram. They are very good looking individuals.

M: Thank you!

V: I can see where you got it!

(laughs)

V: Describe your perfect weekend.

M: Depends on who I’m with! My ideal solo travel weekend would involve mountain hiking, river swimming and laying about…powder white sands, calm waves lapping my feet, reading a good book.

“The perfect dad weekend would be a hike with my girls.”

M: Before or after that turn on jazz, bossa nova or some medley, make us a big brunch—eggs, grits w/shrimp, pancakes, bacon, sausage, maybe ribeye, toast and jam, green fruit smoothie, garnished with applies, strawberries, blueberries and some OJ.

V: Oh my, you also cook.

M: Yes! Then play…go to batting cages, arboretum, museums, etc. and doing that again on Sunday. The perfect weekend solo at home involves a creative effort, like creative writing or making furniture or some design, getting some gym time, making some savory meals while listening to some good music, catching a concert, show or series I like and visiting with good friends.

V: I could see a lucky lady fitting well into these weekends of yours! What was the last thing you did that really scared you but you did it anyway?

M: General contracting the full gut rehab of my house. I don't know if I was scared, but I can say that it has been daunting and a test of patience and perseverance. That in addition to a full time job has been challenging.

V: What do you do, Matthew?

M: I work for a bank, on the portfolio management risk side. For example, I was just in Mongolia visiting one of my projects, which is a large mine. You know, I travel to check-in on all kinds of projects…I'll be at an aluminum manufacturing facility or I'll be at a semiconductor manufacturing plant or a satellite, a gas fired electric power plant or an ethanol manufacturing facility…

V: You must have learned so much about the science behind these types of facilities!

M: Yes, but I’m the business lead.

V: You’re the business rolling into town!

V: How does a woman fit into your life?

M: I love women, but I’m a very monogamous dude. I’m a dad with two daughters.

“I can’t play around. I need a good woman. What can I say?”

V: Good women, are you reading this?

V: OK, you're stranded on a desert island. Who and what do you bring along?

M: Not sure if this is a fun or serious question…I'm bringing the right survival gear, right? I'll need a make fire, shovel, knife, seeds, etc? I"ll need partner...maybe she is a marine. That would be handy. If I can have anything, I'm gonna need some way to play Pandora.

V: For your bossa nova!

M: Right!

V: Share something that most people don't know about you.

M: That’s a hard one! I guess I'm so transparent that most people know everything…but, people don't know that I'm nerd in for history, ancient history and philosophy and psychology and that I spend a lot of time reading esoteric tomes and will sit and read some of the classics like Upanishads…

V: And he’s also an intellectual!

(laughs)

M: Right now, I know that I need to read up on Nietzsche and Goethe, and I actually read comics too, fiction, I think it is just simple curiosity that drives that passion.

“Also, people don’t know my history working in Latin America for afroamerican civil rights and economic development.”

M: Other things, I'm a triplet, my fascination with myth and philology, ethnomusicology, that I'm mixed....this was a hard question!

V: You answered it beautifully though! OK, I’m appealing to your romantic side to wrap things up. If you could take a date anywhere in the world for the next 24 hours, where'd you go and what would you do?

M: I would like dinner on the Nile river a little before dusk, I'm hoping there salubrious breeze are some breathtaking views and so much to talk about.

V: Take me! Take me!

Are you a possible match for Matthew? Email Valerie Ackler at editor@tawkify.com. Contact information will only be shared if our team agrees with the match.

Only those approved will receive a response from our Editor. You must have a completed Tawkify profile to be considered. Don’t have one yet? Create a free profile, here.

While reading In My Own Way: Backward…

I felt a kismet connection! It was as if you were psychically reading my last 15 years! Yes that’s how long it’s been since I dated. At first it was the fear of being hurt which turned into work and friends. That was enough for me. Now I feel stuck. I forgot how to flirt, talk up men. I know my weaknesses, but how do I overcome them? Are there classes to get your groove back?

Elena, Tawkify Client, San Francisco

“The groove is so mysterious. We're born with it and we lose it and the world seems to split apart before our eyes. When we get it back, the world unifies around us.”

Groove is that intangible thing…a quality we all want, sometimes possess, and without realizing it, can let slip away. Elena, we don’t offer a class, but we do have Matchmaker Alyssa Bunn, our go-to groove girl and author of the Ask Aly Heartalytics column. Alyssa says getting one’s groove back starts with…

GET GOING: Experience is more important than being told, so get going!

Flirting is about playing with possibility, not going in for the kill. Reconnect with playfulness. Smile, offer a genuine compliment, practice making others feel like the person you'd want to meet. Aim for most to like you, few to dislike you, and none to be disinterested. It starts with that first hi.

CONFIDENCE: Confidence is groove.

The single greatest asset you have when it comes to dating is confidence. Without it, you will accept unacceptable behavior, waste time in dead-end relationships, and feel pessimistic about your odds at finding and keeping lasting love. As single people across the world know, most of the variables in love are completely out of your control, but confidence isn't one of those things. You absolutely, without question, have the ability to build and exhibit genuine confidence.

“Confidence is a mindset, make it work in your favor.”

Editor’s Note: Does confidence require perfection? Heck no! Alyssa says:

Perfect is subjective. It's not in your control, because it doesn't exist—so ditch it. With a world full of edits, plastic, and materialism, authenticity and asymmetry are seen as the new nose job.

FIND YOUR PURPOSE: No one else can find it for you.

When you're more certain about who you are and what you're interested in, it leaves little room for doubt. Believing in your value breeds confidence, and confidence is undoubtedly the key to success in dating. So find what you're silently drawn to. What brings you joy? Go do that. Soon enough, someone will come along and stick.

FOCUS ON YOU FIRST: How do you feel, what do you want?

The central question of romance is not "Does this person like me?" but "Do I like this person?" It's so rare to have a true connection with someone who likes you, who you like back. If it's always THEM THEM THEM, do you have any idea how you are showing up, if you are showing up? Fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of not being liked, these are all major saboteurs of connection. Know that by being anything less than secure with who you are and what you want, you are putting yourself at a serious disadvantage.

“Work on it.”

The thing about relationships is that finding one is totally out of our control. It happens when it happens—a strange confluence of luck, experience, and timing mixed with an open heart, open mind, and a wee bit of magic. The time we spend yearning for that perfect person is time better spent expanding our own spirits.

BE REALISTIC: The whole ride won't be a fairy tale.

Expectations are everything, so set them accordingly. Think realistically. Realistically, you will meet people who are odd, selfish, and emotionally unavailable. Realistically, you may have to go out with more people than you think before you find one you'd like to keep around. If this is all predictable, it shouldn’t take a personal toll.

BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR THOUGHTS…

What we think, we become. Our thoughts are fuel. They travel to the heart, they become our character, they guide our responses, they dictate the direction of our lives. Heavy, but true. Mind your mind. Mind the messages you send yourself. A challenging, but completely doable task: and here are some tools from my colleague Marisha Dixon to help.

Editor’s Note: In that same vein, Matchmaker Jennifer Magana reminds us that:

Fear is a choice. Confidence is a choice. Words spoken have and hold power. Own your power with Power Words. Jot down positive words about yourself in a favorite journal. These are words that inspire, empower and move you. Now, say out loud, your name and then say “I am” before each word. For example, I would say, "Jennifer Magana, I AM AMAZING!" The Power of I AM positive mantras help empower confidence in yourself.

We can be our biggest critics, even our worst enemies. At times, the focus may lean toward everything being wrong versus what is right. Fear and worry go hand in hand. At this point, self-sabotage kicks in and that beautiful inner pilot light gets smaller and smaller. Take control! The divinity of owning your power and owning your beauty has arrived. Just as Sheryl Sandberg said, Lean In and Sit at the Table; it’s time to have that cocktail meet-up and cup-of-joe!

Reclaim that groove, Elena!

Alyssa Bunn
Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and Founder of Love & Co.

We all know that dating can be treacherous ground - full of landmines, rejection and unexpected highs and lows - so naturally all daters carry around a toolbox. Instead of a hammer and screwdriver, this toolbox carries go-to coping, healing and dealing mechanisms you’ve developed to handle emotional situations.

From personal experience and through years of professional matchmaking, I know that often these toolboxes hold items that don’t serve you (i.e. defense or numbing strategies, limiting belief systems, etc.).

Here’s the good news: I’ve compiled a short and sweet list of the three items you must have in your dating toolbox, and they’re pretty easy to get your hands on (you likely already have them, but perhaps don't utilize them effectively). Aside from these 3 tools, I've created a freebie to help you dive deeper into this topic: Download the PDF Dating Toolbox Checklist here.

Back to the basics - these are the three tools every dater in the world today needs:

 
1. Assemble A Tribe
 

It’s easy to go to 'just any friend' with your dating woes… after all, we all have disaster date stories to share and funny first-date moments to vent about. But when you’re out there, dating, trying to find someone who makes you feel possible, you are putting your heart in a vulnerable place. 
 

Those moments deserve great care.
 

When I say you need a tribe, I’m not talking about “friends." I’m talking about the people in your life that researcher Brené Brown calls “move the body” friends. People who “show up and wade through the deep with you. Your “move the body” friends are the ones who take great care of your heart and your story.

Think about your community of friends. Who really shows up for you by holding space, empathizing and giving you their undivided attention? Dating is tough enough, so you need people trustworthy with your emotional well-being.

That person, or those people, are your tribe. And when you’re dating, there is nothing as important as having a strong tribe to lean on.

To be clear, "move the body" friends support your personal and professional growth, relish in your successes and encourage positive change in your life. Any detractors who don't meet these standards should be promptly kicked out of the dating toolbox.   

 
2. Your Bat Signal
 

Like I mentioned before, dating can be treacherous ground. There will be moments where you need to vent, cry, laugh, scream, etc. Too often, I see that we discount those moments as overreactions. We downplay our need for support because asking for support and not getting it sucks.

That’s why you need a Bat Signal in your Toolbox. 

When in an emotional dating pickle, you’re going to send this Bat Signal to one or a couple members of your tribe, asking for specific support. Using a Bat Signal takes some prep, so let your tribe know you’re creating this signal and how you would like them to respond.

Learning to communicate about your needs with friends in this manner is great practice for developing healthy and open communication with a future partner. 

 
3. Develop A Search Strategy
 

This one might be the simplest sounding, but it’s the most difficult. Your dating strategy is the go-to guide for how you plan to put yourself out there and how to protect your heart along the way. This strategy is not one-size-fits-all, and it takes trial and error to discover what’s best for you.

Over and over again, I see clients pushing themselves to make love happen. I hear, “It’s a numbers game, I just need to meet more of the right people.” Pushing yourself to meet more people, even if you’re exhausted and burnt out takes a huge toll on your heart.

It’s like continuing to run on a sprained ankle... you'll probably end up more injured than when you began.
 

The science of cognitive overload (more on that here) suggests that “dating as a numbers game” will result in burnout and a miserable dating experience along the way. Your Search Strategy is not complete until you are able to recognize and listen to your own boundaries - put the app down and stop going out because you've hit that limit.

Pinpoint your search strategy boundaries in three steps:

1. Make a short list of the ways you're putting yourself out there to date (online and in-person).
   

2. Take note of when you start to feel icky throughout the process, honor that and take a break.
   

3. Once you've practiced the above and feel confident with how you're putting yourself out there and when you're going to rest, you have your search strategy!

The clients of mine who have taken the time to cultivate these tools see massive results in their dating lives; meaning more great dates, less burnout and more joy along the way.  Give it a try.

I wish you all less stress and more success! 

Lily Womble has been a top three matchmaker at Tawkify for two years, and in that time, she has worked with over 100 clients across the country. Through this experience, she's developed Brazen, a methodology and course that helps people create a dating experience that leaves them feeling energized and confident, possible and powerful.

Editors note: Welcome to the KonMari mini-series on Heartalytics! For new readers, don’t miss: KonMari Your Love-Life: Module I, published last month.

For those unfamiliar: Marie Kondo, otherwise known as Konmari, is a Japanese organizing consultant and author. She has written 4 books, which have collectively sold millions of copies.

When Huffpost asked us to weigh-in on their article, This Is How To Tidy Up Your Dating Life, Marie Kondo Style, we started tawking. Truly, there are countless ways to apply organizing principles to our love-lives!

But just as one-size-fits-all fits no one, organizing strategies cannot be universally applied. Cover both modules to peruse insights from a collection of talented matchmakers, choosing the ones that spark the most joy!

Gaby Aratow, Professional Matchmaker, Writer and Public Speaker, encourages singles to:

Delete the Duds

Too many singles stay connected to all the people they've ever met on dating apps, even when those past communications simply clutter-up phone storage and focus. Go through all past connections, one-by-one, through dating apps and phone contacts. Briefly review every thread and ask yourself, "Does this person spark joy for me?" 

If you feel frustration, disappointment, or just plain inertia, say "thank you" to the universe for the exchanges you had in that moment and DELETE. Why expose yourself to any amount of stalemate dialogue?

Similarly, take all the pictures of loves lost and dating encounters from yesteryear and make a file, titled, "Dating Memories," or something of the like. Slide the photos from your camera roll into that single folder. This is a place to honor the possibilities along the journey that isn’t forefront in daily, present, life. For less nostalgic types, feel free to delete altogether.

Once you’ve tidied up your apps and camera roll, you can start to apply the same "spark joy" philosophy to a new, unburdened chapter of the dating experience. People who disappear and return, or exhibit self-centered behavior—such as saying they’ll call and then not—have no room in your lighter, more efficient dating practice.

“Dating baggage no longer resides in your phone, nor in your current mind. Now, there is room for more people, different people—and only people who make you feel good.”    

Contact Gaby to speak about dating and love at gaby@tawkify.com.

Justina Victoria, Men's Sex Coach, Founder of The Sexual Mastery Center NYC and Matchmaker at Tawkify:

Search out the special

Often, we get hung up on the traits our date doesn't have, the boxes they don’t check. When is beauty ever found with this mindset? Connection arises from observing the magic in every person you get to spend time with. When we focus on what they’re doing right, what is uniquely beautiful about them—the essence of the person and what they offer from their heart—the dating experience is transformed from lack-luster to an experience of abundance and wonder.

Show up as your best self on a date and cultivate a mindset of seeking and supporting the same in others. It’s a gift to be exposed to someone else's light, whether they are your happily ever after or not. 

Risa Cohen, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

The deliberate action of letting-go, forces us to face the question of, what’s really important? Dating health is a function of general lifestyle health, such as satisfaction with living and work. If you’re experiencing dissatisfaction in your living space, it can be difficult to be fully present in the dating space. Dating success is most readily achieved when joy is sparked across the board. Start there.

“Start working on the places where you feel jaded, bored and/or uninspired.”

Work on those places, examine what’s truly important and build those things up. Get yourself un-stuck!

Choose places rather than people:

Where would you love to visit? Search meet-ups, activities or ask your Tawkify matchmaker to look for matches in that place. Maybe its time for some fresh air in a new space.

Jackie Legzdins, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, reminds us that while it feels incredible to clean-up,

Don’t Dump Your Mess!

Oversharing is always a NO/NO. You’ve done the organizing work, you’ve cleared out your phone and your space, and while it’s a good thing to be honest and authentic, that entire journey need not be shared on the next date.

“You’ve done the work. Now, be in the moment!”

New relationships are at their best when they feel fun and positive, so keep your pesky ex's, work issues and family drama in the rubbish—where you just threw them all out because you’re a KonMari expert now!

Robyn Koenig, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Certified Professional Dating Coach, CPC, and Founder of Rare Find:

MAP IT, MOLD IT

Create space to be alone and lay it all out. With either post-it notes or by mental map, face every relationship in your life with full awareness. Ask yourself: Is this relationship serving us (sparking joy), or is it holding us back (creating clutter). 

It’s human nature to maintain connections with one another, though we often hang-on far too long. Why? We cling from fear: I must hold on, ‘what if’ this is as good as it will get?! Above all, decisions born from fear should be closely scruitinzed.

“Like clutter in your heart, old feelings of anxiety, frustration and bitterness cloud our judgment. They are junk in a drawer of worthless things.”

It’s spring cleaning time, and this doesn’t strictly apply to car ports and wardrobes. For singles, getting organized in the context of dating is an essential strategy for continued success, no matter what dating methods are in-use.

So when Huffpost asked us how to KonMari one’s dating life, we started tawking. This Is How To Tidy Up Your Dating Life, Marie Kondo Style was published shortly thereafter, with Matchmakers Emily Polak and Justina Victoria featured, but we have more to say on the subject!

For those unfamiliar: Marie Kondo, otherwise known as Konmari, is a Japanese organizing consultant and author. She has written 4 books, which have collectively sold millions of copies.

To kick-off the courting clear-out, Matchmaker Majet Reyes, outlines 10 sequenced action items:

1. Write (at minimum) 10 qualities of your ideal mate: i.e. race, age, status, educational background, finances, height, weight, etc.

2. Narrow that list down to 3 qualities. Those 3 qualities are your top 3 priorities. You will date someone who has them; you will not date someone who doesn’t. Stick to that simple scheme.

3. Now, write down your deal breakers (I recommend 3, no more than 5!). 

4. Set up dates with people who possess your top 3 priorities, but none of the deal breakers.

5. Show up to those dates.

6. On the date, speak your truth: if you are seeking a long-term partnership, indicate that. Doing this effectively does the “keep” or “toss” sorting for you. Those with similar values stick around, while those without go right into the goodwill box.

7. Then, return the favor. If you share and your date does not clarify their intentions as well, kindly (and with a little humor if you can manage it), ask why they are dating.

8. Let it go: don't attach yourself to any particular outcome. 

9. Be brave: If there is chemistry and you feel like kissing or touching, go for it.

10. When it comes to sex, ask yourself": Is this someone I can have a relationship with? If no, then that’s also a no on sex. If yes, I still recommend waiting for the 2nd, or even a future date. My colleague, Alyssa Bunn, agrees in point #8 of her first date manual.

Emily Polak, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify & Clinical Psychologist, says getting organized begins from within: 

Pay attention to your body's signals. When on a date, tune into your body and pay attention to how you feel. Meanwhile, tune out all the reasons your brain is listing why this person isn't right for you.

Spending time face to face with a potential partner is the dating equivalent of holding a garment in your hands..

You can't make a good decision about how something makes you feel if it's not right there with you. Check-in to see if you feel a spark of joy, or something similar, like ease or lightness. If there is a spark that feels good and nourishing, continue spending time with the person. 

Alyssa Bunn, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and Founder of Love & Co, says getting organized in our love lives starts with cultivating novelty:

1. Date Night: Novelty Sparks Joy. 
   
   There are plenty of date nights that are surprisingly sexier than those you'll experience with a heavy price tag. Focus on creating fun, one-of-a-kind events, as novelty sparks joy. Instead of dinner and drinks, treat your date to a bonfire, sunset swim, or scenic drive. Put a playlist together and practice yoga or an impromptu dance party. If it's your first date, bring one thing that brings you joy to share and learn more about each other. Props take the pressure off. 
   
   

2. Make Amends With Your Past: Tidy Up Your Thoughts. 
   
   If Marie's KonMari method focuses on tidying up your things, love requires you to tidy up your thoughts. Let go of the negative feelings, memories, and mementos you harbor against yourself and others. Letting go of hurt, pain, and any gifts that no longer serve you will allow more space in your heart. Hit the personal 'restart' button, so you can leave the past in the past. There is nothing more joyful than a tidy heart, one that is present, positive, and open to receive. 
   
   

3. Ditch the Apps: Smiles are Free. 
   
   Apps can suck your time, bank account, and ultimately, your joy as well. This Spring, elect to 'go app-less' and meet people in real life. Say 'Hello!' to a stranger, hold the door open for someone, and remember to make eye contact and smile, even on the busiest of days. You never know where these chance encounters will lead. 

Like the KonMari method, success lies in many small steps. Great love is tackled in small actions: a call to say 'I'm thinking about you' or pausing your favorite show to hear about your partner's day. 

Nneya Richards, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, journalist and blogger at 'N A Perfect World, suggests ‘piling your people’: 

When I was in my mid 20s one of my best friends had a note in her phone’s notes app called “People.” On the people list, she kept track of who she was dating or entertaining at the time. We used to tease her mercilessly for it - considering it a smaller and less risqué version of “little black book!”

A lot of clients come to us burnt out from dating, whether it’s apps, introductions, meeting friends at bars; it’s time consuming keeping up conversations with so many people. My friend was ahead of her time and really was operating on step one of Marie Kondo’s method, which is:

Put everything you own in a pile.

Use that people list as your pile. Access to your full dating roster, laid out from close connections to that person you only hear from when there’s a lull in their dating life, helps you de-clutter your head and heart space (and eject the right people from your list!).

Matchmaker at Tawkify, Life Coach and Founder of Subtle Honey (Services for Healing), Maia Nikitovich MSW, echoes Bunn’s ‘heart cleaning’ tip:

A heart cluttered by disappointments and fear, perhaps heavy with longing over a lost love, can prevent you from seeing the potential of new romantic prospects. Like a closet filled to the brim, unexamined feelings or beliefs can keep you from finding the relationship you truly want and deserve. Give yourself some breathing room!

Let go, one by one: thoughts, feelings, or beliefs that are no longer a good fit. Be kind to yourself, leaving the hardest attachments for last. When you are ready to tackle them, you will be confident enough to search deep into your heart, honor the joy they once gave you and then gently say "thank you, and goodbye. I am ready for something new."

Christine Todd, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, suggests a specific strategy for how to accomplish Maia’s recommendation:

How do you do that? Just as when tidying up personal space, be sure to take a step back and take inventory of personal relationships (past and present, romantic and otherwise).

I say ‘otherwise’ because unhealthy friendships and work connections can just as profoundly affect our dating space as the dating space itself.

Consider which relationships energize you (i.e. "spark joy") and which drain your energy. Those that drain, must go down the drain. It's OK to recognize that a relationship that once meant a great deal to you is now waning. And while we should express gratitude for the meaningful times of the past, we should also choose to move forward. A relationship that no longer serves you, is holding you back.

On the next issue…

Matchmakers Gaby Aratow, Justina Victoria (also featured in Huffpost’s Konmari article), Risa Cohen, Jackie Legzdins and Robyn Koenig outline their dating declutter dos. Stay tuned!

It’s not sunshine and exchanging sweet cards to everyone in class anymore. You’re an adult, and it’s Valentine’s Day.

If you’re single, you may be feeling distressed. Lucky for you, we have a Valentine’s Day Survival Guide from Matchmaker Lily Womble to reduce your stress and increase the joy in your love (and regular) life.

Because let’s be real, in February, we need all the help we can get!

To survive (and thrive) this Valentine’s Day, here’s what you need to do:

1. Invest in self-care and celebration.

Self-care? (cue eye roll)

I know, no one will shut up about “self-care.” It’s like, we get it already! Massages are good!

But what I’m talking about is deeper than a facial. I mean investing your time and heart in celebrating yourself. In letting yourself rest. This is the first step to surviving one of the most stressful holidays of all time.

I’ve seen how an active approach to self-care and self-celebration can shift relationship to self, and consequently, to Valentine’s Day as well.

“Because wouldn’t the love you’ve fostered within your self, and for yourself, be something worth celebrating on this symbolic day?”

Science backs this up.

Self-care has the potential to “reduce stress and anxiety, enhance the immune system, boost energy levels, and improve overall well-being.”

Start today with these 5 concrete self-care action steps:

1. Get cozier with the Danish art of Hygge.

2. Text 3 important people in your life and make concrete plan to do something fun in the near future (concrete enough to notate on your physical or digital calendar).

3. Alternatively, be prepared to lay low. Isn’t is stressful when you need to cancel yet another coffee date because of an unforeseen deadline or complication? Remove that stress in advance by planning a few texts to send when you need to cancel last minute. Might seem a little kooky… but for those with insane schedules (like most of my matchmaking clients), this is a prudent move to dial down unnecessary stress.

4. Make a list of the experiences that have brought you the greatest joy in the past year or two, and schedule at least one of those things to carry forward into this year.

5. Give & Get: Text a close friend with a note about why you love and appreciate them, and ask them to reciprocate.

“Saying you ‘do self-care’ is great… but it’s not real unless you actually do it and it proves to bring about positive change in your life.”

2. Unload comparison stress.

Today especially, throw a stick and chances are good it’ll land on a mushy, in-love couple. Because when you’re craving a genuine connection for yourself, it can be pretty unpleasant drowning in stranger PDA. Seeing your desires realized for everyone else naturally breeds comparison stress.

“Comparison stress is a joy thief!”

Most of my clients respond to this stress by overloading themselves with dating to-dos, endless swiping and mean self-talk. This only makes the problem worse.

How does one protect themselves from the comparison trap?

1. Know that without meaning to, without thinking about it, comparisons will naturally form in your brain. It’s going to happen. It’s normal. But it doesn’t have to be where you mainly reside in your mind. And it most certainly doesn’t have to be the food you feed your brain and your heart.

2. Surround yourself with people who fill your life with joy, love and support.

3. Talk to your friends/family about taking a “negative talk” vacay. The stress cycle is only made worse by constant negative talk about dating, men or women. Try to step outside of your normal conversation.

   “Changing the dating narrative will reduce stress, increase feelings of hope and transition mindset to control: you are in the driver’s seat of your love life, not the victim of it.”

Know that what is meant for you will not pass you by. Have you been stressing about the what if’s instead of really living? Take active steps to progress while also taking care of your heart, body and mind. Master that… and you may even come to gladly await this oft-dreaded holiday.

3. Reflect on the past to prepare for your awesome future.

So many of my clients ‘dress rehearse tragedy’ in their romantic lives - especially in the early stages of dating (what if he’s not as he seems… what if she isn’t ready for a relationship). In Dr. Brené Brown’s words: “When we're overwhelmed by love, we feel vulnerable - so we dress-rehearse tragedy.” 

Do something truly radical to beat this mindset down: practice believing in the deep love you desire.

We dress rehearse tragedy when we’re afraid. In romance, fear is often a product of past relationships, and/or childhood trauma. Dr. Brown believes that ‘catastrophizing’ squanders the one thing we all want more of in life. We simply cannot know joy without embracing vulnerability—and the way to do that is to focus on gratitude, not fear.” 

Preparing for and believing in the relationship you want means processing past experiences. What is revealed and/or learned from that processing then needs to be put into action going forward.

For aid in the processing step, I’ve created the Brazen Relationship Reflection Guide (download here). It’s designed to lead you through an analysis of past relationships like you never have before. The goal: to come out the other end not only set on what you want, but also believing it is possible.

“Because first dates aren’t the place to re-hash the pain. Do the work for yourself, for own health and sanity - so you can truly learn, grow and move on.”

How on earth does one accomplish this?!

1. Get in a comfy spot, play your favorite variety of background music, and start the reflection process - whether that be by journaling, via some other creative process, or utilize the Brazen Reflection Guide.

2. Afterward, keep your answers close. What did you learn? What can you use to continue learning about your relationship needs, challenges and strengths? (It can be helpful to process through step 2 with a close friend.)

There you have it. Three big steps you can take to have an amazing, love-filled Valentine’s Day. You’re a gorgeous, sparkly human. And I believe that the love you want is possible.

If you want more support to bring control, fulfillment and joy to your love life, check out Lily’s Date Brazen website for more actionable content.

Lily is a top matchmaker at Tawkify. After matching hundreds, she realized that with date coaching, women could harness her matchmaker tools to make their dating lives successful and joyful.

As the founder of Date Brazen, she is harnessing her passion to help women build purposeful, fulfilling dating lives with her customizable date coaching framework.

In her spare time, she can be found dreaming up a new Gilmore Girls revival, eating waffles with her boyfriend and singing three part harmony with anyone who can carry a tune.

Read more from Lily on Heartalytics, here.

Breakup Bootcamp, the perfect place to go when ex-flame blues flare up! A set of articles ready-at-command to contructively shift the oft delicate post-breakup heart and mind. Articles marked by our editor with the Breakup Bootcamp tag have been hand-picked to help in whatever stage of uncoupling you may be in.

Valentine’s Day is a scary beast for many singles. It’s a reminder of what could be missing, of the relationship you desire but do not possess, and sometimes it conjures memories of love lost. When the latter is beating down your Valentine’s Day enjoyment (and trust us, there are ways to enjoy Valentine’s Day solo), Matchmakers Mansoor, Morgenstern and Koenig have you covered:

Kimia Mansoor, Matchmaking Consultant at Tawkify

Hatch a plan!

Recently single and dreading this upcoming Valentines Day? Don't fret. Luckily, this year the 14th falls on a Thursday. It won't be difficult to make it through the evening, especially if you plan ahead:

1. Consider organizing a work happy hour with unattached colleagues (and/or friends).

2. Book that workout class you’ve been meaning to try. Pass the time by boosting endorphins. On a day you might be tempted to be destructive, actively choose to so something good for yourself instead.

3. Feeling cozy? Set up a relaxing movie night at home. Watch that cheesy rom com in your best lounge wear and enjoy! You can feel the post-breakup feels, while also doing something fun that helps you unwind.

But Valentine’s Day doesn’t end Thursday…

Through the weekend, it may seem like every restaurant, movie theater, and Uber Pool is filled with cozied up couples. My recommendation: spend a day at the most casual place you can think of. Think, public parks! Basically, try to avoid any venues that require reservations, tickets, pre-planning and hubbub. Those kind of places are sure to be full of valentines in all their ooey-gooey glory. Doesn't a day of sunshine and rosé at the park with friends sound nice? Make it happen!

Anna Morgenstern, Dating Coach and Matchmaker at Tawkify

Talk to strangers

Valentine's Day can feel especially lonely for someone who is newly single but it's actually a great day to go out with friends and meet someone new! Go to a fun bar and make a point to talk to a few attractive strangers. Surround yourself with friends who are also single and have a positive view on dating. Why on earth would you stay at home licking your wounds when there's other eligible singles out on the town? Turn Valentine's Day into an opportunity to play with your inner circle, and practice your pick-up prowess. 

Robyn Koenig, Certified Professional Dating Coach and Matchmaker at Tawkify

V-Day? No, celebrate G-Day!

“Valentine's Day, no way! It's Galentine's Day on February 13th!”

Yep, Galentine's Day with a “G”, an unofficial holiday celebrating our girls and the friendships we have with each other.  (Thank you, Amy Poehler for bringing this day to life for us!) Tap into the power of your fierce female relationships.

Gents, Guyentine’s Day is also a thing!

Whether it's an ear to listen, a fresh cup of coffee to kick start your day or always having the one seasoning you forgot to buy at the store for your new dinner recipe… your friends have your back. Plan a G-Day celebration either with an impromptu cappachino date, wine tasting or even a virtual cocktail party online! Show them some love and appreciation for how much they love you and all of your crazy. Raise a glass (coffee, wine, your kiddo’s sippy cup) and say THANK YOU to all of your best friends.

Need more? Don’t miss this year’s Valentine’s Survival Guide.

Welcome to Male Mind — The interview series featuring a different man's take on love-life topics every month. From dropping the right cues to making the first move, Evyenia Trembois gets the inside story straight from the source.

E: Will you tell me about your marriage?

C: Of course that would most definitely come up! I’m an old fashioned boy. I was that guy who was the straight arrow in college, and I waited for ‘the one’. I was really, really serious about dating, and I got engaged to my best friend, the person I trusted. We got together young, we were 19. We met in class and became best friends, transferred schools together. We were together 9 years. 7 of those years we were married. I had just turned 22 [when I got married]. I was almost done with my bachelors at the time, but hadn’t gone off to do my masters yet. I was very comfortable in the relationship. I very much trusted what we had because I’m very honest, and my policy is always absolute honesty.

“I really didn’t see it coming [the divorce] and my family didn’t either, but on our 7 year anniversary, she told me she had been cheating on me.”

C: It was completely out of nowhere. It was shocking. I tried to give her some space. I didn’t want things to end; I wanted to work through it. So I said, “Okay, we should go to counseling. We should work through this. You’re my best friend.” But the cheating continued. I knew she had, boom, just ‘unloved’ me. She was a different person. It was over.

E: How long has it been that you’ve officially ended things?

C: It’s been a little over a year. 

E: So how are you feeling now? Where are you at in your romantic life?

C: I mean, it’s incredibly difficult, because that was my experience. I waited for the one. It’s hard for me to imagine how dating is going to be because I’m admittedly ignorant. I’ve had a small pool of experience. I’ve been doing a lot more for myself, finally! Doing the things I really should have been doing for myself all along, and that’s boosted my confidence a lot. It’s helped me to see ways in which I wasn’t doing enough for me.” 

E: Do you think that affected your previous relationship at all? That fact that you were ignoring your own needs? 

C: I think it did.

“It’s interesting, you can actually give somebody everything they ask for, and it not really be what they need, or what they want. You can do too much.”

C: I needed to invest more in myself, but I was working really hard to keep the relationship together. I did the best that I could. I was honest, and loving, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I learned some lessons. It would be really interesting for me to meet some new people and develop relationships. I’ve only been in Los Angeles for about as long as I’ve been divorced. I was living abroad before that. So it’s new and exciting.

E: Would you want to get married again? 

C: No, I wouldn’t.

“That isn’t to say that I’m not dead serious about having a committed relationship again, but I was forced to do all of the legal work for a divorce I didn’t want.”

C: I had to adopt all of our pets. Here I was having uprooted myself [for her], and then had to do all this paperwork that I didn’t want to do. Now, I see that it was for the best, but it was difficult. So I don’t really believe in legal marriage anymore. But I want a long-term partnership.

E: Do you want kids?

C: I’m not a kids kinda guy. If they’re furry, yeah! I love fur babies. I’m good with kids, but in an academic sort of way. I have a very Mr. Roger’s personality. But I think at home, I’m too much the brooding artist. I don’t feel confident about my ability with kids.

E: What would you do if you met someone who wanted kids? Are you open to having that conversation, or is it an instant deal breaker?

C: I just don’t think that would be a good fit. And of course people change. I could meet someone, and they could later decide it’s something they want. That’s always a bridge that you cross. But being completely upfront about where I’m at [with that], if someone knows they want kids, they should find someone else who’d be comfortable if that happened.

E: So with your ex, were you both on the same page with kids?

C: Yea, we both didn’t want kids. But you know what, part of something that I saw…my ex-wife’s sister got pregnant, and it suddenly hit [my ex] very hard. I think that played a role in everything that happened, because she wouldn’t have an honest conversation with me about it. I think she was lying to herself about what she wanted.

E: It makes sense that she could change her mind, you two got married so young. 

C: Exactly. People will change as they get older. We think that people stop changing- they don’t. People change all the time.

“It’s like, someone you thought you knew, and you wake up in the bed next to them and you think, “oh my gosh, we’re both completely different people.” 

E: Do you feel like you’re a different person now then when you met your ex wife?

C: Um...yes, and no. I’m pretty stable. So I really have always stood very firm on my principles. But, of course I’ve changed.

“I like me better. I have a lot of experience (not dating experiences, but relationship experience!). I dated someone for 9 years. I know what it is to really have a committed relationship. I learned so much about how to communicate.”

C: I helped mend a lot of our fights. My ex had been very abused by her parents, so I learned how to make her feel heard and validated. Even if I was the one coming to her with a problem, I learned how to put that down, deal with her and how she’s feeling, so that she would be able to come back and see, “Oh, I hurt your feelings.” So I’ve picked up a lot of skills. I like the guy I see in the mirror. And I’ve always been honest and true to myself. I never see that changing.

E: Do you happen to you know your personality type on Meyers Briggs? Just curious…

C: Yeah. I’m an INTJ through and through. Of course, these things can be [silly], but no..if you read the INTJ, that’s me.

Tawkify side-note: INTJ stands for Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judging. INTJ’s primary mode of living is focused internally, while their secondary mode is external, where things are dealt with rationally and logically. NTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. 

E: What do you think about dating amongst introverts and extroverts? Who does best together?

C: I don’t think it matters as long as you respect each other and you have a degree of empathy and understanding. You can click in so many ways when it comes to chemistry...extroverts are great to get you outside.

“Sometimes I’m a mope. It’s great to have someone who has the energy and social prowess that I never had.”

C: I’m very relaxed and comfortable. I’m not going to induce cringes. But, I don’t know what to do in a crowd. I’d rather just sit there with a book. I’m clueless.

E: You know what I find interesting — you’re classified as a thinker (someone who leads more with logic), yet, you seem to be very impacted by emotions and feelings from what happened in your relationship...

C: In life, I am very logical. I’m very much about thinking. This was the one place I was vulnerable. I prioritized this relationship well above everything — even my own career.

“This was the [one] place where I felt. She was the one person I could open up to and be more silly with...I was so unguarded.”

E: Do you feel like you’re ready to date?

C: Sure. It’s not like people bite. If things aren’t clicking, you respectfully move on. Treat people with kindness and decency. You don’t fool around.

“I don’t like wasting people’s time. I wouldn’t want them to spare my feelings and waste my time either.”

E: At this point, what are you looking for?

C: Honesty! I’m an artistic person, but I don’t care if the other person is or not. But I would need to be with someone who understood what it’s like to be in a [fickle] profession like that. It’s very difficult. Ups and downs. You always struggle with money. Then, boom, you [land something big]. It’s not the most stable.

“I’m a very reliable, dependable guy, but my work is not.”

C: I’m very open minded. I like different types of people. I like people who have strong ideas about things. I’m perfectly fine with that, as long as you’re willing to stand by them. I like confident, intelligent women. Fitness has become important to me lately, so that’s something we could do together.

E: Is it important for you to share similar hobbies and interests with a partner?

C: Somewhat. I think it’s great to share interests and hobbies because those are things that can keep you together, knowing there’s things you can do together. But at the same time, when you share too many likes and interests, you tend to be sort of the same person and that’s not always the best.

“It’s interesting to have someone who is different from you and can challenge you and make you stretch. That can help you discover things that you wouldn’t normally do.”

E: What is your ideal first date?

C: Gosh, considering my limited experience, I think the smartest thing to do is something very relaxed. No big commitments, so no one feels trapped.

“Just do something that’s fun and easy.”

E: Have you had experience with app dating yet?

C: You know, I shamefully have to admit that I absolutely tried it. I know so many of us do.

“It’s pretty awful. I tried building a profile. Tinder. Coffee meets bagel.”

C: I like the idea of an app where women have more power and agency. I don’t know, maybe I’m too old fashioned. I don’t think I’m savvy enough with the texting. I never went on any dates. I don’t think people were swiping on my profile. The casual dating didn’t really seem to click. I guess it’s not in my personality.

E: Do you ever see someone out IRL that you’d be interested in approaching?

C: Yea, I do all the time. I mean, I’m a man. We’re all big dumb animals. That’s what men are. We’re really, really dumb. All of my friends are pretty much women, because, ah! — they are so much more mature usually, and I can have conversations with them. Of course I see attractive women; I live in Los Angeles, and I’m an actor so I work with very attractive women all the time. And I’d like to approach them; I just don’t. I’m super shy outside the context of performing [on stage].

“And I just think about how men are gross, and how men approach women, and the cringey things they do, and I never want to be that guy.”

C: If I’m going to get in a relationship with somebody, it will probably start as a friendship. I really don’t want to bother somebody, and put them on the spot.

E: How would you feel about a girl approaching you?

C: I’d love that. LOVE that. That’s great. Women should have more power and agency.

“And I hope I give off the vibe that I am safe to approach. Masculinity is very toxic, especially in America. We’re really struggling with that. I don’t want to be that [aggressive] person, but I don’t want to come off uninterested either. It’s a fine line. I’m working that out, now.”

E: Do you hit up the bar scene?

C: I go to bars. I see people. But, I’ll admit. I’m usually in the corner by the fireplace, [and I keep to myself].

E: So, to all the single women out there — explain the secret of men to us. Are they just these simple beings, with really easy to read black and white signals?

C: No, men are incredibly complex.

“It’s easy to say we are big, dumb animals because we are. But the thing is, I can say that because I’m a man. I’m comfortable reducing us, because I know that men are incredibly complex.”

C: Gender is performative. There are many different cultures around the world where men behave very differently, and in a less toxic way when they are not completely oppressed by the toxic definitions of masculinity. I’ve been a big, loud feminist my whole life for a reason. I grew up being bullied. There’s all these things that people say men are supposed to be like. I didn’t really fit those things. But I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me.

“I thought there was something wrong with everyone thinking I had to be a certain way. Men face the same struggles as women. It’s different, but men face the same pigeonholing into gender roles.”

C: They're taught that the only acceptable emotion is anger. They’re reared to be aggressive, and rewarded for that. Take what you want. Be the fastest. Be the strongest. It really gets inside of you. And the media, it tells you how to get girls, what you’re supposed to do, that your value is attached to your economic standing. Those things get deep. So men are very sensitive.

“We are born the same, and in the womb we change. I think that’s beautiful and important to remember. We’re people. We have the same brains. Yes, our biology is a little bit different.”

But beyond that, it’s social conditioning. Men, we are victims of ourselves. Women are victims of men.

With increased awareness around the ubiquity of sexual harassment, the male population is rightfully feeling more circumspect about treating women in a way that makes them feel safe and respected. Over the past couple of years, I’ve received the following question from male clients and friends with greater frequency:

Is it possible to approach women you don’t know in public without being creepy or crossing a line?

My answer to this question is a resounding yes!  

Being open to the possibility of meeting someone out in the real world, not just online or at a function where it’s socially sanctioned to start conversations with people you don’t know (like a conference or a party), is a great way to claim some agency in your love life.

When it comes to meeting romantic prospects, we can either hand our agency away to circumstance and wait around for someone to knock on our door asking if we want to go to Burger King, or consciously create opportunities for connection every day.  We cross paths with interesting people everywhere, and it is absolutely possible to meet someone in any context, whether it be the grocery store, the dentist’s office, or the dog park.

That being said, no stranger owes you a conversation.

Said stranger could be in a relationship, not interested, or simply not in the mood to engage. It is paramount to respect this and know when to walk away.  When putting out feelers for connection, some fish will bite and some won’t. But you’re not going to meet anyone new if you never cast the line.

Here are best practices for how to respectfully approach not only women, but any person-of-romantic-interest out in the wild:

1. Drop your expectations and be friendly.

The best way to get comfortable talking to strangers is to flex your friendly muscle and get in the habit of chatting with all kinds of people in your day-to-day life, regardless of whether or not you are attracted to them.  Our expectation for results is the only reason that making a croissant joke to the cutie next to you in the Starbucks line is more intimidating than telling an old lady at the bus stop that you like her loafers. So when making said croissant joke to said Starbucks cutie, aim for nothing beyond a pleasant interaction with another human, and let yourself be pleasantly surprised if it seems like she wants to keep talking.  

2. Be mindful of the circumstances.

If you’re going to test the waters with an attractive stranger, take note of your location, the circumstances, and what they’re doing.  From a hetero-persepctive, put yourself in her shoes for a moment and consider whether engagement from a man she doesn’t know would feel safe or welcome. The most important thing is that she feels she has a choice if she wants to talk to you or not.  

If she’s alone at night, or if you’re in an enclosed space with no escape route, like an elevator, leave her alone.

And if she has headphones in, is reading, or appears to be focused on what she’s doing, let the woman be.  She’s probably building her empire and doesn’t want an interruption.

3. Say something open ended and let her respond.  

When it comes to what to say, steer clear of making comments about her body or her looks. This can feel objectifying and threatening. Beyond that, what you actually say isn’t crucial:

• Tell her her her purse is great.

• Ask her how she’s doing.

• Ask her for directions.  

• Ask her where the best breweries are in the neighborhood.

• Ask her for her opinion on something.  

If she’s not interested in talking, she’ll respond curtly and you’ll both move on. Remember: it is absolutely her prerogative to not want to talk to you, or anyone at all. If, however, she is interested, you’ve created an opportunity for her to reciprocate and let a conversation unfold.

4. Give her your number instead of asking for hers.

In the event that she does want to talk and you two hit it off, keep the conversation to a few minutes and then offer her your number instead of asking for hers. This way the ball is in her court, and if she reaches out to you, it will be her choice.

So go out into the world and meet some people.  Put your feelers out and see who responds.

Remember that you never know what is going on in someone else’s life, so do your best not to take it personally if someone doesn’t want to talk to you.  

The only risk in being friendly is that you get shut down and feel a little foolish for a total of five minutes. But the reward, if you’re respectful, warm, and ensure that she always has the choice to walk away or disengage, is that you could make her day, remind her of the good in this world, or even meet the love of your life.    

In addition to matchmaking, Cora offers one-on-one date coaching for men! Learn more about her work, here.

Dating would be so much easier if everyone was more open and honest with their feelings from the very beginning. Realistically, that never really happens. Unless you're super intuitive or just have special mind reading abilities, how to know if someone likes you and sees a potential future with you is no easy task.

It most certainly is not, so Bustle reached out to the Tawkify team for help. They wanted to know: How do you truly know when someone likes you? In truth, there are many signs. Read the ‘9 signs’ Bustle covered and catch the full list here on Heartalytics.

1. Total Recall
   
   Matchmaker Coree Schmitz says your date’s recall of the details and stories you’ve shared is an early-indicator of interest. Especially if…
   

   “The person remembers things you have said early in the date and is able to reference them as the conversation progresses. This indicates interest and attention captivation. In today's society where being present in a conversation is one of the hardest things to do, even with those we love, giving a new person full attention during a date is one of the highest compliments. To me that says, of all the 1000 things I could be thinking about right now, I prefer to genuinely hear and think about what you have to say.” 
   
   

2. Hot Diggity Damn
   

   Matchmaker Rémy Boyd: “Upon meeting you, he or she takes a step back to admire the view. Sometimes they'll give you a look like, damn! You can be assured at this point that they are interested.”

3. Question Master
   

   Boyd also shares: “Your date in inquisitive and asks a lot of questions. This means they want to learn more about you and assess how they might fit into your life. Questions are always a good sign.”
   
   Matchmaker Kimia Mansoor, echoes Boyd: “An interested date shows curiosity - think wide eyes, bright smiles. They examine you like a sought-after specimen, observing you carefully to try to learn as much as possible. They want to know more about you, but might be too nervous to ask just yet. They might seem quiet, shy, or reserved, but they are listening and paying attention to all the little details! Sometimes these curious creatures can be easy to miss, as they might not be the first to compliment you or ask you for a second date. You may have to show interest first, opening the door for the second date, because the curious ones may be waiting for you to take the lead. They are delighted just by observing how things unfold!” 

4. Body language
   

   Matchmaker Rémy speaks to the power of body language: “This includes direct eye contact, smiling and facing you squarely during conversation. These indicators are clear signs your date is engaged and interested. Even a slight (respectful) touch on the arm is a sign they like what they see and hear.”
   
   Matchmaker Marina Brenner agrees: “Yes, you can tell by a person's body language, but particularly you can tell by their eyes. If their eyes are ‘smiling’ and radiating sparkles when they talk to you. Also, if someone leans in and subtly enters your physical space with a gentle touch.”
   
   

5. Mirror Images
   

   Matchmaker Alyssa Bunn, author of Ask Aly, reminds us that imitation is indeed the most sincere form of flattery. She says:

   “You may notice your date 'mirroring' or subconsciously copying your body language, gestures, speech patterns, or attitude. In other words, an interested date will reflect the energy you are expressing. Knowing this, it's important to keep your verbal and nonverbal body language in check. If you're closed, negative, or not fully present, you may squash the romantic spark before it even has a chance to emerge.” 
   
   Ask Aly side-note: We live in a society that rewards mystery and drama, but if your date is interested, confident, and honest, they will tell you (at some reasonable point in the dating process) that they are interested. If they don't tell you, they're either not interested, lack confidence, or are dishonest. Any combination of the aforementioned isn't a great recipe for romance, anyway. 
   
   My advice? Wait for someone to not only tell you that you're special, but show you. In turn, you'll most likely find yourself doing the same for them. And voila! Like that, we've got ourselves a pure, modern romance! 
   
   

6. They waste no time
   

   Matchmaker Sophy Singer tells us: “When someone thinks you're special, they strike while the iron is hot. Before the date (or random social encounter) is over, they're already testing the waters by making future plans. They may not ask you right then and there, but there will be a mention of something fun that you two might enjoy together in the future. 
   
   

7. They give their time
   

   Matchmaker Brigitte Weil says the biggest sign someone sees you as special is measured in time, i.e. “when you expect to meet for a quickie drink in that 5pm sliver of time after work and before you both have dinner engagements to attend: one drink turns into two, and you forget to look at your watch, forget to order food and you don't notice the hunger pangs, and both of your cellphones are discreetly silenced despite all the flashing and notifications, and suddenly the chairs are going up around you and someone is mopping under your feet!” 
   
   

8. They make connections
   

   Matchmaker Samantha Campbell says it’s all about the connections being made through conversation: “We all want to feel understood, especially in romantic partnerships. If someone thinks you're special, they'll want to showcase how they are similar to you or how they can empathize with you. Maybe you're sharing a story about a cousin who is about to have a baby, and next your date shares they just went to their first ever baby shower. Perhaps you're lamenting about how your favorite Trader Joe's treat is no longer produced, and they joke they're still grieving over the closing of their favorite restaurant. Whether it's conscious or not, they're trying to say, ‘hey, I get you.’ Your date is hoping that you feel that same connection too.”
   
   Matchmaker Holly McCusker outlines her top indicators in points 9-13:
   
   

9. He/she talks about future endeavors and wanting to share them with you.
   
   

10. He/she points out your unique qualities and says “I have never met anyone quite like you!”
    
    

11. He/she says “I haven’t felt like this since…”
    
    

12. He/she stares a little too long.
    
    

13. He/she appreciates you on a deeper level than the superficial by complimenting your observations, communication-style, intelligence, etc.
    
    

14. Genuine surprise
    

    Matchmaker Rachel Toh makes an interesting point for our final sign: “Let’s face it, we are all looking for that person who gives us butterflies and makes us want to be the very best version of ourselves. But it’s rare to meet someone you feel is really special and could potentially be your match.”

    “When we do have encounters with individuals that make us weak-in-the-knees we’re not usually expecting it, even if we planned the date and drove to the restaurant! The feeling of being positively surprised can be expressed in many different ways, but the most common is through excitement and intrigue.” 

    “If your date is maintaining eye contact, asking you meaningful questions and listening attentively all while somehow appearing to have just learned some amazing secret that no one else knows… you are definitely on the right track.” 

We’d like to hear from our readers and daters! What signs have clued you into a date’s interest (or disinterest)?

In the age of Digital Nomads and Social Entrepreneurs, there is a new priority for job seekers: a meaningful vocation that has an underlying purpose in the ever-so connected world.
 

"Matchmaking is one avenue for social contribution, and Tawkify’s applicants are overflowing with desire for more impact." 

As the Director of Operations & Community Development at Tawkify, I am in ongoing pursuit of people who possess purpose as their primary motive. Our matchmaker job listing tells the truth: purpose-driven is of paramount priority. 

For half a decade at Tawkify, I’ve been a student devoted to understanding the true intention of job seekers. It has required years of research, much trial and error, and finally a realization that energy is a very real variable in the equation. 

So how does Tawkify target a type of energy when sourcing applicants? It starts through diversifying our hiring ads across online forums and funneling candidates through a 4-step hiring process, ascertaining those with the hearts (and souls) to do social good. 

Gatekeeping is on a global scale. Our gatekeeping for matchmakers mirrors the type of selection process we put our matches through: it’s competitive. We extend contracts on a rolling basis. We value referrals from our existing matchmaking team, with about half of our new matchmakers having some pre-existing connection to our community. 

High-potential candidates often exhibit specific language choices, tone of voice, and attitudinal markers. Video technology is one of the most powerful tools in transmitting energy over time and space. The one-way video submission has been a game-changer in allowing us to get “an energy read” prior to inviting a candidate to interview. It creates a consistency, where each applicant has an opportunity to show up, share their story, and give us a read on energy level.  
 

"Since most of our matchmakers rely entirely on video technology for their client relations, a candidate’s comfort level in front of the camera and their communication efficacy in connecting with our hiring team become primary determinants if we are to even reach out to schedule a time to speak individually." 

The best candidates transcend conventional barriers of connection to shine one’s mission bright. These candidates embrace the video conference platform for self-expression and are authentic in their disclosure. They exhibit strong interpersonal skills, an undeniable resonance, and a level of consciousness toward the social cause. 

One candidate, a 29 year old artist in NYC, explains how matchmaking will fit in with her other commitments: “flexibility and personal fulfillment are big for me right now as my acting career grows... I  want to know I’ve made a difference in people's lives. The world needs more love right now.”

Another candidate, a Management Consultant from Canada currently traveling on Remote Year, describes how matchmaking will enhance her world: “It’s been rewarding helping organizations deal with strategic challenges... Now on Remote Year, I’ve come to understand that I want to do something closer to coaching. It will let me provide more impact on an individual level. It will give me a chance to help other people and feel that my work has a true meaning.”

Another candidate, a life coach in Portland, describes how matchmaking will serve a purpose in her career trajectory:
 

“I’m looking to grow my skills in the arena of coaching. I’m looking for something I can grow into that gives me impact.”
 

The line of questioning within our video interviews have been crafted to get in touch with people’s fundamental drivers. Let’s take this idea of "what drives your work?" This question stems from a TedTalk that I once heard Tony Robbins do on the 6 human emotional needs. He explains how each person has a unique hierarchy of the 6: certainty, uncertainty, significance, love/connection, growth, contribution. I use this theory to analyze each candidate, and I'm always in awe of how clear someone's top two drivers seem to be through 5 minutes of video footage. 
 

"With hundreds of matchmakers working independently around the globe on a highly community-centric platform, we depend on one another’s consistent commitment to the cause.... and the backend operations." 
 

Accountability to peer-to-peer collaboration within workflows breeds sustainable harmony in our virtually-interconnected community. 

Having spent hours in the trenches daily with our matchmaking team, I’ve learned mission-driven matchmaking is a fine balance between client-facing and task-oriented work. The daily work requires a person who can be both a master producer and love-worker. 

To capture this balance in candidates, the qualities that we look for include:

• Professionalism. You hold yourself to a higher standard. You are accountable, attentive, collaborative, and virtually presentable. 
   
• Purpose-Driven. You drive your business forward, meeting consistent goals and milestones, while simultaneously honoring your soul’s mission to make a difference in the world. 
   
• Empathy. You are a great listener. You have no trouble connecting with people. You build trust and rapport instantly, with an intuitive sense for how to relate and react to intimate subject matter. 
   
• Passion. Our matchmakers are invested in solving problems and can pull from their deep motivations of contribution, growth, and connection to accelerate progress in their clients’ dating journeys. 
   
• Network. You have the knack for social media / networking and the resourcefulness to build online to offline relationships. You are excited to share the opportunity with people who will benefit from quality dates that are more accessible. 

These top qualities have evolved over the years.
 

"The constant iteration on our hiring process has come through watching some matchmakers implode and others persevere when thrown into the playing field of an emotionally turbulent dating arena."
 

Purposefully, a series we launched in 2018 to capture the diversity, inclusivity, and interconnectedness of our matchmakers, tells the stories of some of our long-standing matchmakers. They discuss how they use this work as a manifestation of their passions, which include directing, storytelling, nutrition counseling, casting, mothering, teaching, acting, and many more. 

This series is a testament to the shared mindset of our community: as different as every matchmaker is in their personal trajectory, they connect at a point of spiritual consciousness where purpose is a cornerstone of their daily activity. We are fostering a community of like-minded people motivated by social impact, to make a difference in the world.
 

"My hope is that in making matchmaking accessible to more people in more places with more gifts to share with our community, we will simultaneously be reaching more markets."
 

It’s the connection between each matchmaker and client that sets the tone for the experience that unfolds. We want true connection, which is measured through the authentic bonds and reviews that clients leave their matchmakers on a weekly basis.

And the beauty is the return on one’s investment: all the time and energy devoted to guiding people to date better, spreads just as much love in the process as the love stories themselves. 
 

If making love accessible happens through the relationships between matchmakers and clients, then my work drives our mission too. And to that, I affirm before I go to bed each night, “mission accomplished.”

Learn more about Julia, here. 

We were recently asked by a male reader: what are the terms of engagement dating in a post #MeToo era? First, I think we can all agree that 'post' might not be the right term.

#MeToo is still going strong, and hopefully will for many years. If you're a little late to the party, that's OK! #MeToo is a movement to support survivors and end sexual violence. 

#MeToo is about giving people a voice. The movement wants to a see a cultural transformation by “encouraging millions to speak out about sexual violence and harassment,” according to the movement’s website. The site describes one of #MeToo’s mottos as “empowerment through empathy,” because the founders believe it is crucial for survivors of sexual abuse to understand that they are not alone.

Tawkify Matchmaker, Natalie Murtaugh, reminds us: "My matchmaking colleagues and I are on the front lines — hearing first hand from singles how social change affects their dating lives."

Director of Operations at Tawkify, Julia Armet, continues the discussion: 

"We are at a pivotal point in our country's cultural discourse, where everyday in the press we see stories of female protagonists voicing their past experiences to seize ownership of their future experiences."
 

In opening a discourse on topics such as consent and pleasure, we are harnessing a collective voice — embodying power, resilience, and ownership of our bodies.

Interestingly, online dating platforms are the frontline for "body politics" so-to-speak. From each person's presentation of self on their profile extending through conversational interactions with potential matches, women and men of all gender and sexual orientations are hyperaware of their agency to accept or to decline advances.

With these platforms allowing for such a high volume of exchanges on a daily basis, it is essentially an open playing field for body politics: where we have opportunities to protect who we are, what we stand for, and what we deserve.

The online discourse is an extension of the #MeToo #TimesUp media discourse, in calling out perceived violations or unwarranted advances. When someone else is not respecting our rights, our needs, and our desires, online sites and applications have the "REPORT" button.

"Through flagging such behavior, we can enforce these movements from the bottom up and normalize the expectations for appropriate sexual conduct."

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Natalia Murtaugh, expands on her analysis of the movement: 

Online dating as a courtship tool allows us to see the direct impact of the #MeToo movement on social change. Sharing your political standings have become normative on dating profiles, it's no longer ill-mannered to do so. In fact, it's highly sought out in assessing partner compatibility.

Data generated from dating apps (e.g., OKC, Bumble), are using the political climate and campaigns like #MeToo #TimesUp to guide their algorithms for recommending matches. Further, singles are prioritizing a potential romantic partner's viewpoints as an active match preference, especially if the relational goal is long-term mating. 

Consider this: Singles are consciously increasing their match criteria (as a result of online dating). One effect of this is that singles are either ingratiated within the in-group majority (thanks to the power of these movements) or risk becoming undateable as our culture (humanity, really) progresses.

"The less tolerance we have for sexual assault and harassment in our culture, the more we advance. This starts with addressing injustices first. Those who are 'tired of hearing about it' might get left behind."

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Rémy Boyd, speaks directly to the concerns of male daters: 

In the past four months I've noticed a surge in discomfort from male clients on how to greet, communicate and follow-up with female dates. Specifically, how to convey interest — both verbally and via body language.

"Body language, vocal tone and inflection are under scrutiny. Many male clients ask what to say during conversation and how to respond to personal questions on a date." 
 

These areas can potentially be a minefield, making men feel that they have few options on how to show interest or get to date #2. Overall, I've heard support and positive ideas on how to move forward with both parties feeling comfortable dating on and offline, but the fear is there and very real!

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Antonia Greco, says it's all about awareness: 

The main thing #MeToo has changed about dating culture is awareness. Men are more cautious about the nature of their messages, being careful not to leave a perverse “paper trail” in their interactions online — aka “death by screenshot.”

Women may attempt to screen more carefully in their messaging, taking note of behavior that seems too forward or of ill-intent. However, online persona and offline persona can differ drastically.

"Just look at how wide the gap is between social media and reality — online dating follows a similar course."
 

The reality is, it’s hard to truly know how someone will act until you are actually with them. We are creatures of curiosity. People don’t do what they think they should do, they do what they want to do. And while both genders may be exercising more caution dating in light of this powerful movement, I believe we are still far from seeing real change in a man’s offline behavior.

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Samantha Campbell, provides a lens to the mindset of a survivor:

"I'm a survivor of sexual assault."
 

When dating, I'm on the look-out for people who not only respect personal safety, but prioritize it. I'm blown away by the amount of folks (predominantly men) who are willing to invite a complete stranger over to their home for a first date. With movements like #MeToo and #TimesUp, it's impossible to avoid the shift in culture — no one can get away with brushing these issues under the rug anymore.

"If you are not conscious of the role you play in making those you date feel safe, it's time to reexamine."

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Tania Abramova, talks about next steps:

These movements are making people more aware of how important communication is in relationships (from the first message, to the first date, to the first intimate experience).

The primary dating frustration I hear from clients is that people are not clear about their intentions. This results in mismatched expectation-setting and ultimately feelings of disrespect experienced by one or both parties.

"While the #MeToo movement is largely focused within the workplace where sexual interest is used to exercise power over someone, it opens up a general dialogue about sex and intimacy."
 

I think all genders are starting to be more direct about their intentions (i.e., looking for a long-term relationship vs. a hook-up). I am absolutely seeing a trend of men exercising higher caution when approaching women — whether in-real-life or online (via verbal and non-verbal language).

Welcome to Male Mind — The interview series featuring a different man's take on love-life topics every month. From dropping the right cues to making the first move, Evyenia Trembois gets the inside story straight from the source.

J: My fiance and I met through a matchmaking service, did you know that?

E: I did not! Tell me about it!

J: Well, my wife of 26 years, Ria, passed. So after she was deceased for a while… the reality of living alone set in. You get kind of lonely. But at the same time, you sort of enjoy your freedom too. It’s a mixed, interesting phenomenon that you go through.

E: What did freedom mean to you as a single man?

J: Well... you get up when you want to get up. You do whatever you want around the house, and you come and go as you please. You want to eat a greasy cheeseburger? You do that. That said, I’m much more health conscious now. My current fiancé has gotten me into hiking. I’m in much better shape. I always went to the gym but I've grown to be more serious about it. But the freedom... it’s just not having any responsibility to another person. It’s kind of nice once-in-a-while when one of us has to take a business trip, we get a little time to do our own thing and that’s healthy!

"I have a lot of single friends who have trouble staying at home and being by themselves." 
 

J: I never had that problem. You have to be comfortable with yourself. Balance is important.

E: Ok, back to the story of how you met your current fiancé!

J: Right! My VP of sales's wife was working for a matchmaking service at the time, and he suggested I call her up and see what she had to say. I ended up getting introduced to Kim. She was my first and only introduction. We hit it off! We live together now and are engaged!

E: Wow! That’s crazy that she was your first match! What do you think it was that made it an instant connection?

J: We have a lot of similar values. Family is very important to both of us. I don’t have any kids, but I’ve always valued the importance of family. Family and friends are very important in my life. I was married to Ria for 26 years, and she was one of 10 siblings so I was exposed to a big family there. And I still have terrific relationships with all of her brothers and sisters. They’ve been very supportive with my moving forward. So these are important parts of my life, and I know it’s very important in Kim’s life. It’s all worked out rather nicely.

E: Were there any challenges with Kim having kids? I know they are adults, but…

J: No, not really. Her son lives with us, and he’s been terrific to have around. He helps out around the house and comes and goes as he pleases. He’s an adult. And Kendall (her daughter) is an absolute joy to have around. I’ve been very fortunate to develop my own relationships with both of them. There’s a lot of friendship and love there.

E: As a business owner, how have you balanced your professional and personal life?

J: There’s always a challenge with that. I’m kind of weird; I get up 3:30 in the morning because there is so much of the world that’s on the East Coast, and I have to work on both timezones. That doesn’t mean I get out at 2 in afternoon. Not when you own a business! There’s always work to be done. And of course, I go to the gym. I work hard to stay in shape. Those are the kinds of things that cut into personal time.

Also, Kim and I both have a lot of friends so we're constantly going and going and doing things, and having people over. So the challenge is carving out enough time for us. But, it’s not bad. Neither one of us feels neglected. We’re two separate people. We both bring experiences from our past lives into the life we’re building together. Two people who are adults and have their own thoughts and feelings.

"I think the most important thing to do in a relationship is shut up and listen."
 

E: What advice would you give to single people who are having a difficult time making room to prioritize a romantic relationship?

J: Well, we have a date night every Friday night. So we try not to do anything on Friday nights that involve anyone or anything but us. And if something major comes up, we make sure to reschedule; we’re really good about that. Just going to a nice restaurant, having a leisurely meal, catching up, maybe make plans for a vacation. It’s really nice.

E: So just carving out some time every week dedicated solely to the personal or romantic aspect of your life, and sticking with it.

J: Yes.

E: How long did you two date before you got engaged?

J: About a year and half. She moved in a year after we met. We don’t have a wedding date set yet; we’re taking our time. We’re committed to each other, and I am very much in love with her.

E: Are there any tell-tale signs for making those steps like moving-in or getting engaged?

J: No, you’re either feeling it or your not. You can’t put these things on a schedule. You can put a date night on a schedule, but not the bigger things. Half the battle is finding someone that you click with... being aware of the possibilities that 'could-be' with a partner.

With a dating service, you have to say 'stop' so you can actually digest and consider. Otherwise, they send you more profiles for the next weekend! After Kim and I had two dates, we agreed: 'dating profiles on hold.'  

"I think if you find someone that you like, you have to create space to see if it can develop."
 

E: I see what you mean. I think the fact that we are constantly being bombarded with options on apps makes it really difficult for people to settle down and pick one person to be with. There’s that ‘next best thing’ mentality.

J: Yeah. And if we had dated and ended up not clicking, then we would have moved on, no harm no foul. But we both felt something, so we were smart, we stopped, and look what it has become! There’s no 'one-way' to do anything, though. When you lose a spouse, there’s no one way to grieve, to mourn that person. I went to a grief counselor for a little while. That really helped me through it, and I have terrific support from Ria’s family. And that got me through it; it got me on my feet, and I realize that she would want me to move forward in life, and that’s something that I’ve done.

E: Do you have any advice for mature, single women out on the dating scene?

J: Go into it with your eyes open. Go into it continuing to embrace your own values. Don’t settle. You’re not going to have everything with anybody, but you can nail the important stuff. Look for someone that is a quality person, someone sincere, caring... and don’t play Mom to your new boyfriend.

There’s an actual psychological term called loco perantis, and that is when the spouse tries to become the other person’s mommy or daddy. Obviously, that’s bad. You must let people be themselves. Criticism can be an important thing in relationships, as long as it’s constructive.

I think you have to accept people as they are. Some women have a tendency to want to re-make the guy. Don't get me wrong, we can definitely use some polishing! But not constantly, and as a function of complete control. 

Meet Kimmy Foskett and Liza Renzulli, the women behind popular dating podcast, 51 First Dates. Our Editor, Valerie Ackler, digs into the podcast — the best and worst dates so far, behind-the-scenes intel and other essential dating topics. 

V: I'd like to catch our readers up on what you're doing with 51 First Dates because many of them may not have encountered it. Give us a summary of the concept. 

K: Of course! I guess I'll start as, 'the dater.' 51 First Dates is a podcast that Liza and I started. We've been business partners and friends for... eight years now? I always mess this part up... 

L: A long time! 

K: Yeah. A long time. Basically, it was a kind of a two-fold idea. My therapist recommended I go on a hundred dates to break the bad habits I've formed while dating. Meanwhile, Liza is in a very healthy relationship and she's a person I've called on as a sounding board many times. We had this idea to make a little podcast project out of it, where I go on 51 dates and we discuss them. Also, we're talking about dating in general, relationships, love.

"Because... yes, people are dating all over the place, but it seems like people aren't always dating in a super digestible or honest way." 
 

L: Right, and this isn't about finding Kimmy a man. It's about examining how she was dating, the habits she was getting into and the habits that everyone gets into when they're dating. As New York millennial ladies in their 20s, we've seen a lot of people assume bad habits from the culture we live in. You know, trying to be the 'cool girl,' or not communicating openly. And also, dating forever has been... not that feminist. The power has not been in collective female hands historically and that's really shifting. We want to talk about that because our dating experience can be all up to us, as women, if we own it. 

V: Couldn't agree more! So, Liza you're happily coupled. Tell us where you fit into the process. 

L: I'm like the Andy Richter, or... who is Howard Stern's little buddy? I'm basically the support system for Kimmy... and a drunk feminist. 

(Laughs from Kimmy). 

L: I had a long period of being single, of having a couple different relationships in New York, of dating in New York — although not nearly as much as Kimmy because she's a dating champion now (she's been on 32 dates just for this podcast!) Anyway, I've had some bad experiences, some great experiences, some neutral ones. 

"I want to be a voice for people in all different stages of their dating process." 
 

Especially in regards to communication. I have discovered through my current relationship that I should just ask for what I want, and talk about how I'm feeling. That happened because I went to therapy and because I met someone who was better at it than me. He taught me that I could say how I feel, and that nothing bad was going to happen. I want to help others accomplish this in their relationships. I'm also here to push Kimmy and help her process these 32 humans she's met. 

K: Yes, and Liza has helped me break out of my comfort zone. In the beginning, she was actually picking the dates, some of which I wouldn't have chosen for myself. This didn't always feel super ethical, so we've veered away from her always choosing. But it's been essential to have her. The mentality has been, 'hey, we can do this together!' She's my champion! 

V: OK, so she's the best friend, the date coach, and in the beginning, also the matchmaker. That's a super important role! You ladies have generated some buzz. I believe there was a Timeout article, also some exciting guests. Tell us about that! 

K: Yes, even more so than the press mentions the most exciting part for me has been some of the guests we've been able to have on the podcast. We had Emily Morse from the podcast Sex with Emily, Katie Sturino who founded Megababe... you know, a lot of really interesting women who have different takes on topics like sex, dating and body confidence.

L: That's right, and we've have also gotten to work with Lionsgate to talk about the most recent Tyler Perry movie. We interviewed one of their actors. The movie is about when dating goes wrong, so that was fun! We've been fortunate to have a lot of interesting conversations about dating through the lens of different people, and the work they do. We're also starting to work with some cool sponsors that we're really excited about. 

V: Congratulations! I'm curious Liza, what date were you most excited about for Kimmy? 

L: What a great question! A couple of the set-ups have been the ones I've been most excited about because I've known both people... so that's exciting when you're like, oh I want this to work because I am invested in both of these people's stories. They haven't fully panned out that way (haha), but they were good dates. Kimmy went on a date fairly early-on with a mutual friend. I was really excited for that one because I love when friendships turn into romantic relationships. It's interesting when you've seen someone in one life for a while, and then you start to see them in a new way. 

V: Very true. Kimmy, what was your most surprising date experience? 

K: Liza surprised me by sending me out with someone who was 24 (I'm 29!). I didn't know his age before the date. It ended up being a great date. Another surprising one (also a Liza set-up), was with a divorced man who had a child. I think I had some preconceived notions, so I was reluctant to go on that particar date — also, I was definitely feeling a lot of dating fatigue at that point. It was surpring because we ended up having such an amazing time together. He's a huge fan of the podcast now too, which is so great! 

V: What's going on with you two now? 

K: I'm moving to Los Angeles, which he knows. We call the really good dates, 'gems' and he was such a gem. He's the kind of person I would be proud to set-up with a friend.

"I think it's important to be clear that every time I had a preconceived notion, I was proven wrong." 
 

These were both great dates, and both were Liza's — so good job, Liza! 

L: I'm obsessed with setting people up now. I'd never really done it before, but my mom does it all the time and it drove me crazy. I was like, 'Mom, get out of people's business!' I'm officialy doing that thing where we become our mothers. I want to set everyone up! 

V: You get it from your Mama! (Laughs) Have there been any disaster dates? 

K: Truly only one! It was not that bad, but he had his work phone and his regular phone out. It was a total miss in terms of chemistry. I will give Liza credit because I remember picking this one out...  

"It was right around that time Liza suggested: no more business school guys."
 

And of course, he was another business school guy (no offense to them, I'm going to business school!), but it felt like either he really didn't want to be there (even though he had organized it), or maybe he was feeling in a bad mood... I mean, he had two phones out the whole night! 

V: Phones away! That's a big dating no-no. We actually covered a study on this, and cell phone use was the top dating pet-peeve for men and women. 

K: Totally. Another one, there was a guy who was talking about how his teeth hurt the whole time. 

(Laughs from all)

K: Yeah, that one was a little bit more amusing. It wasn't a bad date, and I don't want to shame him for it. But, he just couldn't stop talking about it. I learned a lot about his teeth. 

V: He must have been nervous, that's bizarre! So we've heard that one of the goals of the podcast was to break some bad habits. What habits have you broken, Kimmy? 

K: I'm a pretty confident woman in all other aspects of life, but in dating, I used to take any form of rejection personally. Say I didn't hear back after a first date, for example, I would take that as a reflection of me. That dynamic has entirely changed. Now, I go into dates like they're just dates! I don't go into them with expectations, and I don't take them as a reflection of myself. 

Tawkify Timeout: “Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.” ― Isaac Asimov
 

V: That's amazing, Kimmy! Because they are just dates! This reminds me of our Matchmaker, Cora Boyd's, view on first dates. You must feel liberated. 

K: Yes! It feels like some kind of magical bean I didn't know about! I just wasn't able to get to this point until I had gone on a bunch of dates. 

V: Liza, what habits do you think Kimmy has broken? 

L: I would have said a very similar thing. I've seen a big shift in Kimmy actually being able to see what she brings to the table... and when it doesn't work out, it's just a matter of two people not connecting.

"Think of dating like going to a friend's random birthday party." 
 

You don't know anyone and you have to endure a bunch of conversations with strangers... some of those strangers you're going to have a great time talking to, and others... you'll have to make a break for the bathroom to end the conversation (haha!). That's dating. Kimmy has been able to bring her great self-confidence to the dating realm through this experience, and we hope others will be able to do that as well. 

V: Absolutely. It's difficult to not internalize the dating process, but it's oh, so helpful when you're able to separate yourself from every perceived, 'failure' or 'miss.' This isn't a sport, you're not trying to 'win' every single person you meet. You're trying to find just one healthy and productive partnership. I'm curious, do the men you date know about the podcast beforehand, Kimmy? 

K: Good question. We only talk about first dates on the podcast, but some of my introductions have led to more dates with the same person. I was about to go on a third date with one partiuclar man at Il Mulino, a nice dinner in New York. I was actually really into this guy. He texted me before the date to let me know he had found the podcast. He said it was really good, and enjoyed it, but that he didn't feel comfortable continuing to date someone that was publically talking about a bunch of dates with other men. I thought that was totally fair. Which brings me to a point that my local bartender made (haha, I just realized that sounds bad that I have a local bartender).

"Anyway, he's a friend and he asked me: 'Isn't this just another way to distance yourself from a relationship actually working out?" 
 

Won't this podcast get in the way? I don't think it is, but we obviously have to consider what happens if a serious connection truly does form within the podcast. Back to the third date situation, after that I felt like I had done something wrong, or icky, so we started going about it in a different way... 

L: Right. On set-ups, we say: This is from a podcast, it's a genuine date, we'll pay for it on the business. The date will be talked about, everything's anonymous, everything's kind. Here's a link to the podcast. We're really open with the people we set Kimmy up with. On dates from the apps, it's a bit different. She's goes on the first date, and if there's any kind of connection, she tells them quickly afterwards. 

K: One of my dates from the very beginning actually recommend we don't tell people. He felt that if the dates knew, it would become a whole different thing. You know, it wouldn't be as authentic. We originally branded 51 First Dates as an experiment, so balancing that is difficult. 

V: I can see that... I wouldn't tell the men unless it turns into something more serious. It's anonymous, so what's the harm? Liza observed in an early episode that your dating pattern was often to let the man chase you, and then it became, and I quote, 'all about the patriarchy.' And that led to one of my favorite moments from the show where Liza describes an informal lecture she gave to a group of her younger cousins about 'the patriarchy.' 

L: I'm always the crazy person talking about the patriarchy. 

V: (Laughs) I'd love to hear how you think the patriarchy influences the dating process and dating culture. 

L: I touched on this earlier, but I think dating (for such a long time), has been primarily in the hands of men. This is a very cis gender way of talking about it, but I'm talking about historically from cave man time until I don't know, like 1965. Men have been 'at the wheel,' and women who take more initiative are often viewed as bad or 'slutty.' I talk about this a lot in the podcast, but...

"We're lucky to live now, in a time where we have so much more autonomy in our own lives than even our grandmothers and mothers had." 
 

I feel it's our responsibility to use that autonomy because they couldn't. And one of my favorite things about doing this podcast, is that we have a lot of younger listeners (late teens, very early 20s) who are just getting out into the world and starting to date. I didn't feel a lot of power or freedom when I was that age, I had low self-esteem and also just assumed that I shouldn't take control of my dating life... I think this is (in part) due to the way things are portrayed 'in the media,' I know that's a stereotype, but it's valid! So, one of the biggest goals for this podcast, outside of the experiment, was to help women listening feel empowered to ask for what they want, be open about their feelings and desires, and heck — ask people out themselves, as well as feel comfortable having a talk to speed things up, or slow things down — all of it.
 

V: Absolutely. I think a lot of women (maybe especially young women) have a mindset of: Does he like me? When the question really should be: Do I like him? It's nice to hear that you have some young women listening... maybe you can help girls realize this sooner. 

K: Yes absolutely. We hope so. Our listeners are my favorite part of this whole experience. I never want it to end because of the community it has built! It's mostly women, younger 20's, but it absolutely ranges by gender and age. I love when a post will pop-up in our secret Facebook group from a man! All of the men that listen are fantastic — they have to be if they're listening and not getting all bristled by what we're saying. 

V: Seems like there's a lot of potential to expand podcast topics. Maybe even by having an episode that explores dating for 40s, 50s, 60s aged people. 

K: That's a great idea. Someone else mentioned that briefly and I'm glad you mentioned it as well because I feel it's an unfair space that hasn't been covered. If I'm single in my 40s and 50s, I want to hear about dating from other people in their 40s and 50s too!

V: Absolutely! Switching gears here, are there any topics you think should be avoided on a first date? 

K: Politics pop into mind! But I'm kind of becoming less and less about 'rules' for dating. Do you have any ideas Liza? 

L: If you approach any topic with openness and genuine curiosity in your date's thoughts, it's a good thing. I also haven't been on a first date in like five years... 

V: You have a good point regardless! One Of our matchmakers thinks no topic should be banned totally, but many others feel differently. 

L: Yes... and this might be a silly way to answer, but...

"I think the only topic to entirely avoid would be only talking about oneself."
 

I've been on dates with people who don't seem to want to know anything about what I think, about anything! It's important to ask your date questions. I just watched the Parks and Recreation episode about going on a first date. Leslie Knope is on a mock date with a friend, and she's freaking out. She starts talking about whales and a teeter totter... it's a mess. Her friend tells her, just ask me a question!

"I like to think of dating as a sort of quest to be curious about other people."
 

V: I love that! I think we all know that second dates are sometimes an engima. Has anyone ever told either you, straight up, that there wouldn't be a second date? 

K: Early on, something else weird was happening (it's related)... the guy would text me right after the first date ('I had such a great time with you tonight, etc'), and then total crickets. I was trying to push the buttons for the podcast and go on second dates unless the first was atrocious, so I would press a bit. Most would eventually say they were busy with work, or had a problem with the podcast. 

L: There was that one guy, maybe the 5th or 6th match... you two had a really good first date. Afterwards, he was texty, texty, texty... saying he couldn't wait to get together again. You texted him later in the week to make plans and he responded with: listen you're great, but... 

K: Yes! I remember this. He was upfront about it. And I thought that was fine. It hurt my ego back then, but it would never hurt my ego now. We all have to be the rejector at some point! 

V: True! Kimmy, I heard in an early episode that you often felt nervous before a first date, which many singles can relate to. You probably feel less nervous now after all this experience, but what advice do you have for people who feel this way? 

K: A really good question. I am way less nervous, but still get the jitters right when I walk up to a date. I recommend going a little bit early to settle-in before the other person arrives.

"I choose my seat. The date has to find me. I sometimes even order a drink. It makes me feel like a powerful lady." 
 

And our most recent guest here, who is on board with this, said she does this all the time. She even breaks out a book if she'd like, which I thought was really cool and badass. Yes so, arriving early helps me mentally prepare. You also have to realize that the other person is likely nervous too. 

V: That's right! I want to talk about 'type.' I know that this is a topic you wanted to scratch-at through the podcast, by setting Kimmy up with men that are not necessarily her type. Why do you think that's important? 

L: Some people are deeply self-aware and connect with who they connect with, and blah blah. That's great. But most people I know aren't like that, including myself. For me, many of the people I've dated (or had insanely huge crushes on) have been stubborn Capricorns, with a sharp edged, slight jerky sense of humor. I kept falling for the same kind of person and I think Kimmy had a similar experience too, where she was finding herself continuously drawn to the same type of person who then wasn't giving her what she needed, or really lighting her up. I've seen this happen over-and-over to almost every single woman and man I'm close to. So, it was important to encourage Kimmy to step outside of the box. 

V: We wish we could throw out 'type' at Tawkify, so with you there! Kimmy, has this experience changed your match priorities? 

K: Yes. I used to be attracted most to men who were unavailable. It ended up making me very vulnerable, but I kept falling for people who I knew it wouldn't work out with. My physical type has absolutely been challenged as well.

"I've just been going on dates, not being as picky, and finding amazing connections and conversations."
 

I would have been against going out with the divorced man we talked about earlier, but I'm so glad I went on that date! 

L: We just had an awesome interview with Katie Sturino. We talked with her a lot about the things that make you 'nope' people. When you see something on-paper, and immediately swipe left. We all agreed that it's important to be careful about that, and not discredit someone so casually. 

V: Totally, we just published an article about swiping with intention and how that can radically change your dating experience. Separately from that... I found Kimmy's Reel online. 

K: Oh god. 

V: It's a total crack-up! There is a scene where Kimmy is on a date and the man recommends a self-help book to her. Who wrote that scene and was it inspired by a real dating experience? 

K: Yes. (Laughs) It was inspired by someone I was 'hooking up' with slash had been friends with prior from acting class. I guess actors like to give each other self-help books, it's a thing. But yes, it was totally inspired by an incident where he offered me a self-help book. 

Valerie: Hilarious! 

L: Also, to give credit - Kimmy wrote that scene. 

V: It was so great! Changing gears again, there's been a couple names bouncing around on what to call your listeners. Pretty babies was in the mix... And French fries, right? Has anything stuck? 

K: Nothing has, and that's probably our fault because that's important for the podcast! Nothing has stuck. I sound depressed about it, because I am. 

L: I'm still rooting for french fries. It makes no sense, but I think it's great. 

V: It will fall into place! I also like french fries. I want to talk about a particular date with someone from your past, Kimmy... a former camp counselor, was it? 

K: Yes, that's true. 

V: Let's quickly talk about how funny that is, and also what was the age difference? 

K: (Laughs) Only a couple years! Maybe 3 or 4. It's a big age difference when in middle school versus high school, but no big deal now. We went to an artsy camp, I had a crush on him and his friend (another counselor). He was (and is) a cool, artistic, cute, open-minded guy... 

V: I have a question for Liza, which week's date would you want to go out with? 

L: Oh man. I mean... I would love to go on a date with a childhood crush. I get a crush and foster it for years. I think it's more about what they did on the date too; for example, an activity-type date would be great. Kimmy has also dated people who are older than her. I've never experienced that and I would like to. 

V: That's a good way to feel forever young! I'm curious, Kimmy, what forms of dating or dating sources that you experienced through the podcast would want to continue doing outside of 51 First Dates? 

K: If you can get past how exhausting it is, I would still do the apps. Also, the set-ups were great; I'm pro set-up.

"We did Tawkify for one of the dates, and that was the only matchmaking service I've worked with."
 

It shook things up! It felt different and I really liked the lack of awkwardness in the end stages of it, because you had a matchmaker to discuss post-date and handle next steps, or not. I'm not just saying this because I'm talking to you. I encouraged our listeners to look into matchmaking because of that experience. 

V: That's great to hear! You mentioned in an episode that you like Tawkify's date feedback process, which relates to another episode where you discuss saying 'no' to dates (which is really difficult for some people). There's a point made in the podcast about sticking around so as not to offend your date, but how you can then end up offending yourself by sticking around. How do you strike that balance? 

K: You know, this is still hard for me. I do feel there's something small that makes me feel like I owe men happiness. And maybe it's the podcast, maybe it's something within me, maybe it's the patriarchy. You know what, it is the patriarchy! (Laughs) I don't know why, but it's hard for me to do. I wish I could just say: 'no thank you, not interested' more often. There is a weird pressure in certain situations. Let's say a man takes you out for a nice dinner and would like to have another drink afterwards, but you're tired.

"Having the confidence to decline, owning your power, and honoring your needs is everything." 
 

V: Couldn't agree more with that last part! I want to talk about the first kiss. I know you discuss this topic on the podcast, but for our readers: should a first kiss always happen on a first date? And what about from the male perspective as well. 

L: No. 

K: Don't do it unless there's a crazy connection. We've even had male guests on the podcast who say they feel pressure to do the first kiss. There should be no pressure. Also, it's strange when a man says he's not interested after a first date where a kiss happens, because it's like: why did you put your mouth on mine?! This is saliva we're talking about. 

V: That would make for a great scene in your reel, Kimmy! Any closing thoughts for all of our brave daters in the Heartalytics community? 

L: Go on as many dates as you possibly can. Have fun. Enjoy the process of meeting people. 

K: Don't get down on yourself if it doesn't work out. It's just a date! 

L: Go on second dates often too. 

K: Yeah, go on second dates! That's true and hugely important.

"Some of the best people I've met and biggest crushes I've formed have resulted from second and third dates."
 

V: Great advice. This is actually something our matchmaker, Candice Cain, talks about in Guy Tawk. Had a great time chatting gals! You two have been incredible, the project is super inspiring. I'm excited for Kimmy's next date!

Catch Liza and Kimmy on 51 First Dates podcast.

Dating can feel challenging in any city. That said, Seattle seems to hold a special place on the hard-knock-life dating list. Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Danielle Koval, sits down with the hosts of Design Goggles, Rachel Scott and Charles Fadem, to discuss The Emerald City's unique dating climate. 

Seasonal affective disorder ring any bells? Dating talk begins at Minute 12:00.

For those in need of a quick read, here's a short-list of our Editor's favorite Danielle moments:
 

"As somebody who works in dating, cloudy weather causes date quality rankings to go down."

"2/3 of my clients are outsiders." Danielle shares that most of her clients are new to Seattle. 

"The dating market in today's world is really challenging because you have too many options." 

"If you're a girl who likes video games and technology, you're all set." Danielle discusses how most of the men in Seattle are in the tech industry, and seem to appreciate women with similar interests. 

"We're becoming much pickier, much more selective."

"Unicorn chasing can be very challenging... but at Tawkify my matchmaking style is: If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."
 

"I never was going to date someone who had children. I was not going to be a step-mom! I did something I would normally not do, and I met this amazing person that gives me butterflies every time he's on the way home.

I think it's possible for people to do that if you break out of your dating patterns. Having a matchmaker or a third-party come in, being able to maybe help you decide what's really important, and what's not so important, opens up a new opportunity." 

"Your first date is just dipping your toes in the water." 

"You go in saying, is there enough here that makes me want to learn more?"
 

The 2nd date, however, is like reuniting with someone."

Danielle Koval pictured at the Design Goggles recording studio.

Welcome to Male Mind — The interview series featuring a different man's take on love-life topics every month. From dropping the right cues to making the first move, Evyenia Trembois gets the inside story straight from the source.

E: How old is your girlfriend?

A: She is 29

E: Do you feel like being close in age has positively (or negatively) affected your relationship, if at all?

A: If anything, I would say it has a positive impact because we’re at the same phase in our lives.     

 E: How did you meet?

A: We met through mutual friends. We both went to UCI, and met at one of our mutual friend’s birthday parties.

E. Prior to meeting her, where do you feel you found the most success in dating?

A: We actually just started dating right after Tinder came out so I didn’t have that much experience with Tinder or with any of the online dating apps at the time. I had used Tinder for about a month, and went on a few dates, but not with anyone I would consider a serious relationship with.

E: And before that, where were you meeting people?

A: Really, it was mainly through school, mutual friends, and at bars.

E: Where would you say most of your peers and close friends are at, in terms of their own relationship status?

A: I would say it’s split up into two groups. You have people that have been in relationships that are on the verge of getting married, and then you have others that are just dating around, using dating apps.

"I feel like that group is constantly looking for that 'right' person, and the more dating apps they sign up for, the more complicated it gets."
 

So there’s one group of serial daters, and another group of people who are in serious relationships and/or married.

E: Do you feel like the people around you in the same age bracket, are in a place where they are ready to settle down in the next few years?

A: This past year, most people who were in serious relationships have been making that step. Had we had this interview last year, I probably wouldn’t have said that, but now a lot of my close friends have proposed and are getting married.

E: I find that in big cities like LA, NY, SF, more and more people tend to put off serious relationships and marriage for later.

...do you feel like because you live in Orange County it’s a little different, or do you feel like the single half of your friends are in that same boat?

A: I definitely see that a few of my friends could fall into that 'big city mentality' category, granted it's likely not as high as in the bigger cities.

E: The reason I hear most often is that they are chasing their careers, and just don’t know how to balance both relationship and career aspirations, but I see you [in a serious relationship] and I know that you are ambitious and driven…

A: Yeah, and that’s something that was holding me back. It’s really tough to describe but it’s something that held me back...basically [needing to] realize that your relationship, and your career, are two independent things. They’re not tied together. So regardless of whether your married, or dating...you can still strive to achieve whatever you want in your career.

"You don’t need to be single, just to be successful. Granted, you do need to balance your time better, but it’s doable."

E: That’s so refreshing to hear. It’s just a mature and evolved way of thinking. What do you think helped you gain that perspective?

A: It all depends on who you’re with — if you have a shared desire to balance everything out. Part of it is simply communicating with the person you’re with, and letting them know that they are a top priority, but so is chasing your individual goals, career and achieving a secure future.

E: Tell me a little bit about what attracted you to your girlfriend, and made you want to pursue a relationship with her.

A: This is going to sound cliche, but Bri is a genuinely amazing person. I think what drew me in is just how much she cares about me, my family, and all different aspects of my life. Any time my nieces or nephews have sporting events, she insists on going with me, regardless of [whether or not it’s convenient for her]. She came with me to Bakersfield to watch my nephew play, and we had to wake up at 5am. She’s committed to our relationship. She’s a very loving person that prioritizes others. She’s not selfish.

E: Do you feel like you give back in the same way, or do you feel that the key to your relationship is having a significant other who can prioritize the relationship where you cannot?

A: It’s a mutual love and appreciation of one another, and we’re both unselfish people. We look out for each other and put the other person first. 

E: What would you say to single women out there dating, looking for a partner?
 

"Communication is key, and going into it, both parties should have a general understanding of where they’re trying to go."

E: Any tips for women wanting to successfully communicate with a male partner?

A: Ask the right questions. Maybe avoid being [overly] direct with those questions [especially if you've just began dating], but asking them in a way that helps you gauge where the guy is at, and what his intentions are. 

E: Sounds like we need to be a bit gentle in the way that we approach things with a guy.

A: Yeah. That’s a good way of putting it.

E: Men are fragile!

A: I wouldn’t go that far, but... (Laughs).

For help asking leading questions on a date, don't miss: Matchmaker Says: Let's Give Em' Something to Talk About.

Single Spotlight is a Heartalytics interview series in which our editor interviews and features different singles from the Tawkify network. Please note that while this column unmasks one eligible community member 1-2 times a year, the Tawkify network remains completely confidential. If you would like to be considered for our next Single Spotlight, join the waiting list. Get ready to meet Matchable Member, Sam Hai!

V: Where are you from, Sam?

S: I'm actually not from this country originally. I was born in China and English is not my first language. I learned to speak English when I was six, living in Canada. We moved to the United States when I was eight.

V: You sound like a native English speaker! Where all have you lived?

S: Thanks! By age 10 I'd already lived in about 20 different cities around the world. We were always moving around in China, Canada and the US, mostly in the Boston area. I attended college in both Cleveland and in Austin and have been in Austin ever since. This is the longest I've been in any one place.

V: Does Austin feel like home to you?

S: A lot more than most of the other places! So... yeah, Austin is a place where I can be me. I can unapologetically be myself here, in many aspects.

V: I get that. Austin is an amazing city. Does it feel international to you?

S: Well, Austin is a very transient city. There's a lot of people coming in and out, from college students to young professionals. Austin is a great place to be young.

"The double edged sword is that Austin feels like America's Neverland."

S: There's no pressure to grow-up here! For the perfectionists (like me, when I first moved here), that was amazing! You know, I didn't have to conform to anyone else's expectations. But as you get older and start to actually want to be an adult, it's a bit disorienting. It's like...whoa, I went from swinging on the monkey bars to being the teacher at recess in no time. A weird identity crisis can go along with that.

V: Totally, I think that's something most millennials can empathize with. What did you study in college? 

S: You know that chart that shows what success ideally looks like (a straight shot) versus diverging highs and lows? I'm definitely closer to the latter. First, I was going to be a doctor. About halfway through freshman year, I realized that wasn't for me and declared my major in economics to build a career as a consultant or financial analyst. I did end up graduating with an economics degree doing what I thought was a financial internship, which actually turned out to be an insurance sales job.

V: Whoops!

S: Yeah, in the long-run I didn't actually feel deceived. I'm close friends with the people I worked with there to this day. Our office was only 15 people, so it was a tight knit group. I learned all sorts of life lessons there and the networking through that opportunity led to my current career as a sales engineer.

V: What's that all about?

S: I do a combination of software and hardware. It's a bit tough to explain because most people hear my title and think I'm a programmer... or they look at a guy like me and also immediately think, he's a programmer! (haha). Long story short, I help fill the gap between software and hardware. It's my job to find new ways to make people's jobs more efficient by introducing new products and solving problems. I guess you could say I'm a glorified IT consultant!

V: So you did end up as a consultant! There's something I want to pick at a bit more... did you feel pressured by your family career-wise?

S: Ohhh yeah!

"Whatever stereotype you have in your head is probably true."
 

Seriously, I was 'allowed' to be either a doctor or a lawyer. That was it. It wasn't until the iPhone came out that my parents changed their tune to include computer engineering, but in their words, "be careful, there's no job security in that! You will get laid off at 40!" Most recently, investment banker came into the approved list. So economics made mild sense to them. But, it also made them a little bit nervous because they couldn't help me in any field aside from medical. Honestly, we had a lot of fights.

"There were moments I debated extracting myself from the family because I didn't want to deal with that pressure anymore... Their version of 'help' felt like jail to me."
 

At the time, I was going through a rebellious phase. I wasn't able to hear their perspective fully and went against everything they were suggesting, even if it was sound advice. At the time, I thought they were just trying to control my life.

V: Now that you're older, do you see it differently?

S: Oh yeah! I mean... I'll put it this way, if I had been a little bit more mature at the time and they'd put a lot less pressure on me to go into medicine, I would have gone into medicine! I actually love the study of anatomy. With some of the extreme sports that I do, my eyes have been opened to the great fulfillment a career in the field of sports medicine could have provided. Obviously, I don't want to start my career over though. It would take at least another six years before I could do anything in medicine. So I study anatomy and physiology for myself, but there's no way I'd go through the board certification process at this point. Too much of a pain the a**!

V: Hear that! Do you consider the study of anatomy to be a hobby?

S: More than just a hobby. It's definitely a passion for me.

"Whenever I have the chance to meet someone in-real-life to geek out about medicine and anatomy, I take it!" 
 

V: Alright then, anatomy and medicine is a good date conversation topic for you — did you get that ladies (laughter)?!

S: Yeah, I will happily spend hours upon hours talking about it, tossing around body jargon! I think it can actually get me into trouble because I can start to lose people. But I suppose that can also turn into something good... hey, I understand human anatomy, wink wink, nudge nudge!

"Of course, you have to be careful not to end up on the Tinder wall-of-shame, i.e. keep the conversation tasteful!"
 

V: That's right! No one wants to end up there. Switching gears with a very serious question — are you a cat or dog person?

S: Important question... I'm more of a dog person. That said, I love animals and would be happy to have two of each! After my first big breakup, I obviously experienced sadness in losing her, but as time passed I began to miss the dog we had together a whole lot more.

V: (Laughter)! Did you arrange joint-custody?

S: Unfortunately not. While I provided the financial support and exercise component of the dog's care, she provided most of the emotional care. At the end of the day, I'd rather our dog get fat (and be happy with her), than be super fit, but cuddle-deprived with me.

V: I see... you put the dog's needs (and your ex-girlfriend's needs) ahead of your own interests. That's a great sign for long term relationship success! 

S: Thanks! Yeah, I knew that I didn't have the time to take care of the dog as well as she could. I'm rarely home and always on-the-go. Ultimately, she was the better nurturer. I really miss that dog though! Maybe I can foster or volunteer to be a dog walker.

V: Excellent idea with your busy lifestyle! I'd actually like to learn more about your secret hobbies. What keeps you so busy? 

"If I lived in California, this likely wouldn't surprise anyone. But I live in Texas, so one of my main 'secret' hobbies is rare."
 

V: I must know!

S: Breakdancing! Yeah, I do break dancing. People see my size (I'm 6'4" and 200 pounds), so I don't have the typical height or weight for breakdancing. Simply, I'm too big! But I enjoy proving the naysayers wrong. Most expert dancers do not expect a guy like me to move as fast as I do.

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We just had to see Sam getting down, so we asked him to send over these photos!

V: Do you do any crazy tricks?

S: I like my joints too much to do anything crazy dangerous. No matter how strong my muscles get, my joints are going to be the same. Physics is physics. I can't use biology to get around physics, so there's always going to be a limit to what I can do... but I definitely approach that limit.

V: Any other things we should know about? Are you a secret chef?

S: I also do Latin dancing. I am licensed skydiver. If I could afford the lifestyle, I would leave it all behind and go into extreme sports. High adrenaline lifestyle! If I had known about this option as a kid, it would have been my childhood dream.

"It's a retro-active childhood dream!"
 

I would have loved to be on the Red Bull Air Force, for example. Basically, these guys are sponsored by Red Bull to travel the world and shoot videos of themselves skydiving next to airplanes, jumping off cliffs, a little bit of running from the cops... you know, base jumping is not exactly 100% legal!

V: You're a Rebel! Have you realized that? You went your own way with your career, you've built your own life, you live in Austin which is kind of a rebel city! This is all making sense now!

S: Haha! Yes, I guess so... and Texas is a rebel state. 

V: True! So... what attracts you most?

S: Generally, I'm not attracted to the typical 'Austin girl.' I'm attracted to uniqueness, obvious uniqueness, and sometimes that's not about 'your look,' so to speak. For example, one of the women that had the greatest impact on me recently, approached me first. I was drawn to her because of that, not because of her outfit (she was wearing yoga pants, of course!). Typically, hyper-attractive women don't approach me first — they're used to the chase (and quite frankly, so am I). Hopefully apps like Bumble and, of course, feminism, are changing that (fingers crossed!)... Anyway, I liked her approach. She came right up to me and said, I think you're cute and we should talk some more.

"She knew how to take control of the situation and it was very attractive." 
 

I've had women come up and approach me before, but typically they just say, 'hi,' awkwardly and wait for me to fill-in the silence. When that happens, there's a lot of pressure because I have less than a second to take the reins and be charming or it gets awkward, fast.

"This woman was confident and communicated well. What also drew me to her was her authenticity. I could tell she was nervous but she muscled right through it."
 

That's a trait she had that I don't have as much as! I mean, Give me a physical activity that's life endangering and I'll take the leap no problem; but, walking up to a beautiful woman to strike up a conversation is more of a challenge.

V: What are the most important things to you in a relationship?

S: I want someone I can have fun with!

"This whole Netflix-and-chill thing isn't for me. Both the literal meaning and the modern meaning."
 

I see a lot of couples get into the rhythm of ordering take-out and staying home way too often. I don't really watch TV. I already spend 8-10 hours a day staring at a screen, I don't want to go home and stare at another one! I prefer the anti-couch-potato lifestyle and I'd really like to share that with a partner. Obviously, I need balance, we all need balance! If I'm anxious after a stressful day, relaxing is great. I'd love to have a partnership where we can both study on the couch in silence. That's so nice!

"Other important things... my love language is physical touch."
 

Affection is my primary love language. Verbal reassurance is a close second. If we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks, the nicest thing to hear is, I missed you.

"I would love to be vulnerable with a woman about my insecurities."
 

Take, for example... I have a history of social anxiety because of how much I moved around; it was tough making friends! Austin has a bit of a 'small town' mentality. Many people here have close friendships that go way back to toddler times, but I don't have any friends like that due to the nature of my childhood.

V: Who doesn't love a man who can be vulnerable? That shows great strength. Anything else you'd like to mention?

S: Yes, I'm all about working hard, but it's important to me that my partner takes time for personal relationships too. I realize work-life balance is hard to strike... I dated a woman who went deep into her work. For long periods of time, she would be completely emotionally unavailable. Without getting too into the details, our sex life was totally compromised.

V: And since physical touch is your primary love language, what must have been especially tough. 

S: It was. I also think this hits home with me because I had two parents who were fiery ambitious.

"In traditional Asian culture, the way you provide for your kid is to spend as much money on him/her as possible. My parents basically worked all of the time, even though they had by most standards, more than enough to live comfortably." 
 

They were never there! This is also why I didn't want to become a doctor in the first place; I worried I wouldn't actually be there for the people in my life. Most kids come home after school and their parents are there, or at least a baby sitter is there. I came home from school and was completely on my own. So I understood that cultivating work-life balance was important to me at a pretty young age.

V: It's incredible that you understood this about yourself and built a career to meet that standard! What are your top three match priorities in a nutshell? 

"Emotional intelligence. Not just an intuitive understanding of things, but also the ability to articulate."
 

S: Next, sense of fun! Last, enough of an initial (and enduring) mutual physical attraction to maintain a healthy sex life.

V: Good ones! Next question — fewer Americans are getting married than ever before. Do you think that marriage is still relevant?

S: I love being single — I'm adept at being in a good single-flow-state. I go to work, go to the gym, practice my hobbies (like break-dancing), volunteer, and at the end of the day, I feel great. But there's a whole side of myself I haven't really discovered yet. Yes, I've been in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, but that's more like a best friend type-relationship. Marriage is a whole different level. I'd love to develop more as a person with another person, through marriage.

"So marriage is insanely relevant!" 
 

V: What an unexpected perspective, love that! What do you think is the ideal way to get to know someone?

S: Tough... but I'm going to lean more toward the experiential side of things. Ideally, it would be great to be put into a novel situation of some kind and see how it goes. Also, there are some essential questions I think should be covered for compatibility... What's your fighting style? What are you sexual preferences? What do you value?

V:  Right on! Healthy conflict resolution is essential. What's your fighting style?

S: Well, I tend to have intense feelings and then immediately second guess them. Developing a more balanced fighting style is something I'm working on with my therapist. I think this might be a consequence of being a loner as a kid. How that has manifested into adulthood is interesting... when solid plans get canceled, that tends to make me feel really angry. So I'm working on finding a balance between that, but also expressing that I value when my time is respected.

V: You are refreshingly self-aware! There aren't many men who are in therapy and also open about it. It's attractive when we take care of ourselves — body and mind.  I think all people could benefit from therapy!

S: Oh, big time! Big time!

V: Do politics come into play in your dating life?

S: A little bit.

"If I were to pick one issue that could be a sticking point, it would be views on immigration. Obviously, that hits extremely close to home for me."  
 

Also, I tend to have a tougher time dating social conservatives.

V: How did you hear about Tawkify and why did you decide to become a Matchable Member?

S: I like to check-out new approaches to dating. I consider myself to be an informal student of relationships. I lived with someone for almost two years who was getting her PHD in adult romantic relationships. Off topic, but the one book she (and I) would recommend everyone read is: The Handbook Of Relationship Initiation. It provides a scientific perspective on adult romantic relationships. Dating articles and advice columns are a dime a dozen and the ones I've read are from a female standpoint (often a jilted female standpoint), so I found this book to be refreshing. Anyway, Tawkify interested me because you guys are doing things differently.

V: Ohh, I'm intrigued! Bring your scholarly learnings to mind because I want to know what advice you have for single women and men!

"Diversify! Let me explain... people tend to stick to the same 'types.' It takes deliberate effort on one's part to change those patterns, but it's very beneficial to do so."
 

We're somewhat controlled by the messages we received in our formative years. I suggest challenging those messages instead of being drawn into the same rooms with the same people over-and-over.

V: Amazing advice. We actually have a good article on radically challenging standards. I need more from you, that was great advice!

S: Thanks! OK, next I'd say to trust science. Work on yourself! Therapy is a great option. If not therapy, then carefully select some self-help books. There are some great ones! What I'm trying to get at here is... before blaming others, look at yourself. Always reflect.

"Always look at yourself before deciding it's everyone else's fault. I realize this is in opposition to the radical self acceptance trend, but too bad! I don't buy that."
 

Better yourself! It's easy to chase hedonistic highs, but there are other types of highs you can chase that are constructive and sustainable (you know, things that don't destroy your brain, body and liver!).

V: Yes, yes, yes! That applies to everyone. Great tips, Sam! I'm curious, do you have messages specifically for other single men?

S: Umm... don't be a d***, (laughter)!

I say that jokingly, but there's a lot of truth to it too. There's definitely kind of a chicken and egg effect on who made who behave badly...

"...but as men, we can absolutely do our part to stop perpetuating abusive behaviors." 
 

That's first and foremost. I do have kind of a controversial thing to express aside from that...

V: OK, fire away!

S: The #metoo movement is great, but I do think there's an element of sexual shaming going on as a side-effect — which effects both sexes in different ways. From a male perspective, the manifestation is that some men are afraid to embrace their own sexuality. The key is to find a healthy way to explore your sexuality, own it and then express it in a way that's connective and empowering for both parties. I realize this sounds hippy-ish, but it's possible and important.

V: That's valid, Sam! Thanks for sharing that. This has been so much fun. You have some surprising and interesting insights to share. I've enjoyed hearing about your life. What a fantastic person to kick off Single Spotlight with, thank you, how lucky am I!? Any parting thoughts for your fellow readers?

S: You're welcome and thank you! For anyone still 'looking,' I'd say... good luck and have fun! Longer version... glhfddka: Good luck, have fun, don't die, kick ass!

V: Thanks Sam!

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Seems appropriate to close with these awesome picks of Sam skidiving!

Austin Texas ladies — if you think you could be a match for Sam, feel free to reach out to me at editor@tawkify.com.

I will only pass on contact information to Sam if our matchmaking team agrees with the match. Please note, you must have a completed Tawkify profile for us to evaluate.
 

Valerie Presley Ackler
Heartalytics Editor

Connect with the single community and share your story on Single Spotlight! You could be be featured next! Submit your information to be considered. 

In 2016, we chatted with Director of Operations, Julia Armet, about her role at Tawkify. She gave us the inside scoop on her background, her day-to-day at Tawkify and on the characteristics she looks for when hiring new matchmakers.

It’s been two years since we spoke directly with Julia on Heartalytics, and it’s time to pick our main matchmaking Queen B’s brain again!

V: Julia, has your role changed since we last talked?

J: We’ve expanded a lot since our last conversation. With our frontline team of matchmakers having tripled in size, I have adjusted my leadership style to impact at scale. My focus is on empowering our matchmakers as entrepreneurs who can have great purpose in their contribution. I spend my energies educating on personal and professional development — while also shaping the frontline culture. I am committed to the community, the cause, and the expansion. I see my role as an opportunity to impact exponentially on a national level as we diversify our service providers and dating pool.

V: Have you learned anything new that surprised you since we last talked?

J: Wow! I learn something new everyday that surprises me. Growth happens to be one of my strongest needs. I’ve always had deep curiosity about the human condition, so I study a lot of psychology, sociology, social politics, energy leadership, to name a few disciplines.

"Even 5 years in, I am still just as challenged by human behavior on both sides of the marketplace: the matchmakers and the participants." 
 

There’s a lot of problem-solving from my vantage point.

V: It’s no mystery that dating today is tough. We enjoyed your comments in the recent Bustle article about how to stay positive when dating has you down. Specifically you said, “The pressures of dating stem from the need to uphold a dating mask. We all fall into the game of dress-up, with social masks being one of the greatest blocks to establishing true intimacy.” Do you have any specific suggestions to help daters who struggle with this?

J: This is such an existential question, so you know I’m going to get real in my answer. I think the challenge is showing up authentically. Whether in dating or even in long-term relationships, authenticity can be a gateway to building intimacy. For me, I focus on transforming self-consciousness to self-awareness: What am I feeling right now? Am I honoring my truth right now? Am I being myself? When I’m not entirely, I notice without judgment and try to be a little more authentic in that moment. Authenticity is unique to each person, so start with exploring when, where, and how you are most YOU. We are works in progress. I definitely can relate!

V: I can as well! Since we last connected, you were also featured in an article about pick-up lines. We’re wondering, do you have any other juicy pick-up lines for us to try on handsome strangers?

J: Handsome strangers! You are funny, Valerie. Can we reframe this question? In the spirit of showing up authentically, let’s call them “show-up” lines. What do you want to lead with that feels true to you?

"I say 'Hi' or 'Nice to see you!' realizing that it can go a long way. It’s refreshing when you lead from a natural place versus relying on scripted lines."
 

V: Good point! We’ve been talking to a lot to single men on the Male Mind column about how they approach women. We’d like to hear from you on that. What types of ‘pick-ups’ (male to female) do you appreciate most?

J: You know...  my sentiments hold true for any gender or sexual identity. I’m all about showing up authentically. What I’m going to say is general advice. I want all audiences particularly those who don’t conform to hegemonic norms to receive it too. The best “show-up” line is one that you’d say to your best friend when you see them after a long absence. After all, we are potentially walking up to a significant other.

V: You know a lot about the dating industry. What separates Tawkify from 'the pack' most in your opinion?

J: Tawkify differentiates itself with our modernity, our diversity, our scope, and our collaborative aptitude. Given we are have over 150 matchmakers active on our team — and over 300 people who can say at one point in time they contributed to the growth of the Tawkify community, we’ve created an encompassing marketplace of service providers and daters. I’ve heard it’s the largest in the country, but you’ll have to fact check that.

Editor's note: She's right! 

One of my more abstract goals for being at Tawkify, and being a thought leader in general, is transcendence.

"I hope other matchmaking service providers are thinking outside-the-box in the same way, as ultimately we’re all in this together to break dating barriers and spread love."
 

V: That's a nice way to look at it, Jules! If you could remind the matchmaking team all at once, of one thing, what would it be?

Since our matchmakers are virtual contractors, the greatest accomplishment and perhaps largest source of motivation is Tawkify’s strong sense of matchmaker community. I would remind the matchmaker team that we’re all in this together. I host one-on-one individual strategy sessions called “Collective Wisdom” that I then share with the entire team recognizing that one person’s work can inspire many more.

V: In that same vein, if you could remind our clients of one thing, all at once, what would it be?

J: Hi daters! Despite every city having nuances to dating culture, our process remains true.

"I’d remind them that this is more of a rollercoaster than a merry-go-round. Embrace the highs and lows; the greater the risk, the greater the reward." 
 

V: You’ve said before that matchmaking is different from online dating because “it’s exciting, but also serious.” I was hoping you would elaborate, maybe tell us why you think that…

J: Happy to elaborate. I’d say there is uncertainty in dating on all platforms.

"But around every corner there are opportunities as well." 
 

In having matchmakers as the gatekeepers — doing the screenings and assessments — we strive to identify more commitment than you may be able to suss our on your own. Does that capture it?

V: Yes, thank you. One of the most common questions we receive via the ask page is how and where to meet people in-real-life. Do you have any IRL dating tips for our readers?

J: Meeting, better yet, connecting with people IRL can happen if you are consciously being present. When you are at work, on the town, at the airport, the possibilities to connect are endless when you are showing up authentically (and paying attention!).

Editor's note: This reminds me of the first Meet Cute article, where we were reminded to be more present and aware of our surroundings when hoping to meet IRL, i.e. take your headphones out!

Know what you want, what energy you are presenting, and what you are giving to the world. From there, people will automatically be receiving you... so that’s already winning! Then when you allow for energy exchanges grounded in your values — kindness, intellect, integrity, whatever they may be — you’ll find positive reception. Hopefully that leads to reciprocation, but you never know. All you can do is show up! 

V: I’d like to ask something personal to close, if that’s OK… Has working for a dating service affected your personal life? If so, how?

J: Thank you for asking, Valerie. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Putting dating aside, I came to this arena because personal development, growth, connection, and contribution have always been priorities. People who meet me, who really see me, validate that passion and value far outside this industry.

Regarding my own love life, I’m like anyone else looking for more love. Finance people are in finance because they are looking for more wealth. Fashion professionals are in fashion because they are looking for more style.

"My currency is love, and that guides me in shaping a life of impact and contribution."

Read Julia's first Heartalytics interview: The Art & Science of Love Delivery, a Q&A and score more dating tips from our matchmaking maven, here. 

Welcome to Meet Cute, where Professional Match Recruiter, Freyja, catalogs her personal, live from the trenches dating adventures (and misadventures) with the express purpose of improving your IRL dating game. 

This month, IRL, my goal was to slowly push outside of my comfort zone — do things that are beyond the scope of my normal patterns.

After all, if we’re being honest, getting stuck in the mundane, and the usual patterns of day-to-day life is probably one of the biggest factors inhibiting us from meeting people out in the real world.
 

That, and just, being completely oblivious to the people around us — you know, when we're distracted by technology, enveloped in our our thoughts (and stressors), that we don't even notice the attractive passing strangers around us. 

Verve Coffee
Los Angeles, CA
Thursday at 2:00 pm

The vibe in here was refreshingly different than Madison and Park from last month. There was a mix of people on their laptops working and pairs of friends catching up over coffee, making the overall energy feel noticeably more social, and inviting.

It may have had something to do with the loud(ish) pop music playing, the beautiful 75 degree weather outside that day, or the open, airy layout of the place, but I felt like it would be relatively easy to go up to someone and strike a conversation.

And so, for the sake of experimentation, I decided to take the plunge and try it.

It’s pretty easy for me to approach someone at a bar or party, when I have a wing-woman nearby, or when people have adult beverages in their hands, but I have less experience in approaching people in places like coffee shops. I was sitting inside, co-working with a friend, when I decided to scope for someone who looked normal, relatively attractive, and approachable. I spotted a guy sitting outside by himself on his laptop, and so, I decided it was the perfect time to take a little work break.

I brought my coffee, but ditched the laptop, and plopped down right next to him, sipping my cappuccino and enjoying the sunshine. He kept glancing over at me, probably wondering if I had a question, and I found myself suddenly nervous! Would he say something? Would I have to? It was such a low pressure situation, and he seemed like a perfectly nice, normal guy, but for some reason, I really felt myself clamming up.

I finally decided to ask,  “Do you get wifi out here?” It turned out to be a good ice breaker, because he was able to very smoothly lead that into a friendly conversation. We mostly chatted about what we do, and what we were working on that day.

Work conversation is really easy for people to fall into, but I generally like to avoid it initially.

Given the nature of what I do (working with a matchmaking company), people are often unsure of what my goal might be — ie, am I trying to pitch to them? Am I being friendly? Am I interested in them? — and I definitely felt things shift a bit as I spoke about my job. Even if you don’t work for a matchmaking company, I recommend trying to keep the focus away from work when meeting someone new, or while on a first date.
 

If only because it tends to be a crutch for many of us, and can hinder the ability for a romantic spark to form, or for someone to be able to get to know the kind of person you are outside of the office.

VERDICT: If you see someone interesting at a coffee shop, just say hi! It’s not a big deal, as I discovered this week. An innocuous question asked in a casual way to break the ice allows for the person to turn back to their computer if they don’t want to chat, or continue the conversation if they do. It’s certainly something I’d like to start getting in the habit of doing more often. I’ll continue to report back!

No Vacancy
N Hudson Ave, Los Angeles, CA
Thursday 11pm

I’ve been to this bar a few times, and it tends to have a pretty good assortment of people. I’ve only been on weekends, so I wanted to see what the vibe was like on a weeknight. I enlisted a friend to go out with me as my wing-woman to scope out the scene.

We had fun — talked to several different groups of people and had some good laughs — but neither of us had any luck finding a mutual spark. Though I’d be open to checking out a different week night at No Vacancy, I’d say weekends are preferred.
 

Thursdays, commonly known as 'college night,' often brings out a younger crowd at bars.

Even so, I felt open, social, and positive, so it was disappointing to walk away feeling like it was difficult to find a connection. I found myself having to go on the offence, striking up conversations, while my friend and I were only approached once. It was interestingly up to us to break the ice and introduce ourselves. I had chemistry with one guy I spoke with, but he was much younger, and I don’t think either of us were comfortable with it. Another guy I found attractive and tried to speak to just seemed incredibly closed off, like he didn’t want to be there at all.

VERDICT: Thursday nights at a bar may not be the best place to meet other single adults. Try weekends, or other week nights.

Surly Goat
Santa Monica Blvd, West Hollywood
Friday at 11pm

This one was another experiment for me. I decided to hit up a casual, fun dive bar solo to see if it would lead me on any fun adventures. The first thing I noticed upon entry was that the bar seemed relatively quiet for a Friday night. I thought I had arrived late enough in the evening for some fun and craziness to have started, but the environment didn’t feel as social as I needed it to be for the purposes of my experiment.

There were several groups of friends catching up, or playing games, but as I walked around, I felt mostly invisible. I found myself wondering if the experiment would have gone differently if it had been, say 1 am, with everyone loosened up, or if I, myself, had had a couple more drinks in me. But as it were, it was an unsatisfying experience.

VERDICT: While I can be charismatic and confident, I’m a relatively shy introvert. Someone super outgoing, extroverted and social, may have had a completely different experience. For those who are more on my speed of things, I recommend trying this experiment in a different way.
 

Next time you’re meeting friends after work for happy hour (or drinks on a Saturday night), show up to the location 30 minutes early — grab a refreshment, and be open to whatever may come your way before your crew arrives!

24 hour fitness
Mountain View
Tuesday 4pm

From time to time, I will be sourcing IRL stories from Meet Cute guests. I asked my sister, C, if she had any interesting IRL situations occur recently, and she shared this story with me:

I had just finished at the gym, got into my car, started the engine, and started backing out of my space, when a man starts running after me. I wasn’t sure if I should pay him any mind, but I started to worry that maybe something had happened. Had he hit my car, or was something shifty going on with my car?

He signaled for me to roll down my window, which I did, and he said “I saw you leaving the gym and thought you were most beautiful girl!” I thanked him, and told I was just leaving. Regardless, he tried to have a full on conversation with me — asking me where I live, when I go to the gym, if I wanted to work out with him.

I was giving one word responses, my car was still running, and eventually I continued to slowly back out of my parking spot, but he just wouldn’t take the hint. When he asked for my number after all of that, I gave it to him. He proceeded to call me right away, Face-timed me, texted me. I texted him back once, and then ignored him.

Freyja: Did you find him attractive at all?

C: No, I was not at all attracted.

Freyja: Then why did you give him your phone number?

C: I recently made a new rule. Typically, whenever I'm approached, even if it's by a guy I find somewhat attractive, I always say I have a boyfriend, even though I don't. I don’t know why I tend to do that. It’s a bad habit — so I’ve made it a point to not do it anymore.

Freyja: I appreciate that rule, but what’s the point if you have zero interest?

C: It was more to get in the habit of doing it. This was a practice run.

E: I see. Then why not text him back that you weren’t interested?

C: I knew I would probably see him at the gym, and I just wanted to avoid a future awkward situation.

E: Would you have appreciated his approach if you had found him attractive?

C: Oh, yea, definitely. I think it’s great for a guy to come up to me, because not many people do.

"I’ve never had a guy physically chase me down. I mean, every girl wants the guy to chase them, but...I didn’t mean LITERALLY!"

See you on the next Meet Cute!

You may remember us introducing Amy Silverman, Founder of The Connection Movement and Connection Camp, in interviews last year and the year before. We love what Amy is doing, and the community she has built, so naturally we 'connected' again to explore new topics as well as get the scoop on plans for this year's camp coming up in Sussex, NJ, June 14-17th.

It might appear that community is a fading phenomenon. Statistics show a steady decline in church and other organized religion attendance as well as decreasing participation in service clubs such as Rotary and Kiwanis. Yet the human need to belong is as strong as ever.

Amy tells us that over one million people attended Adult Sleepaway Camps last year alone. These camps are intended to create deep and meaningful relationships, connect with nature, experience play, and practice self-expression and creativity in fun-filled multi-day retreats.

To catch new readers up, Connection Camp is set at a kids’ summer sleepaway campground, providing the space and an itinerary of workshops and activities (from guided meditations to wine tastings to dance parties!). Campers spend 4 days and 3 nights interacting in different contexts — through play, conversation, and creative expression. This combination allows for uniquely rich relationships to form.

In past articles, Heartalytics has solely interviewed Amy. We're shaking things up this year by talking directly to campers as well. Laetitia, a first-time camper last year reflected on the overall mindset of those who attend, “Everyone’s intention is to communicate clearly, to understand others and be understood.”

Come alone, leave connected to community

After chatting with Laetitia, we gathered that even first-timers who don’t know a soul leave with renewed sense of community.

Laetitia didn’t know anyone when she went to camp last year. Having never attended a sleepaway camp as a kid, she was keen to experience one as an adult.

She shared, “I consider myself to be really shy. I knew at Connection Camp they were going to provide us with ways to learn how to have authentic meaningful connection with people. I was really excited about that.”
 

“Then, I ended up spending all year bumping into people from camp — at least once a month. We met there and it rippled through the year.”

Another camper we talked to, Jennifer, expressed similar sentiments. She told us, “I came to Connection Camp 2016 knowing no one and left with friendships that have lasted until today. I then attended Connection Camp 2017 and my circle of friends grew even bigger. The humans who come together for these few days are the most loving I have ever known. So you may arrive alone but you leave with a tribe.”
 

Maybe even meet someone special

Relevant to Tawkify community members — if you’re single, camp has possibilities for romance! Lila, met someone special at camp in 2015 and returned with him in 2016. She shared: “It’s a great environment to meet someone because you get to see deeper into them than you would in ordinary circumstances.”

Andy and Heather (pictured above) met at camp last year. Although they didn't go looking for love necessarily, both felt their hearts open and walls crumble at camp. Over the course of the retreat, Andy says, “It felt like we did in three days what for most relationships happens in three months, in terms of the level of intimacy.” Their time at camp “laid a deep foundation” that enabled them to ride through the rougher times. They're still going strong a year later!
 

Develop new friendships

Anyone who went to camp as a kid knows that camp friends are friends for life. It’s no different as adults. The opportunity to play, co-habitate, eat together, brush teeth together — creates bonds that cocktails in a city lounge likely doesn't.

Amy and Jason met through the first Connection Camp three years ago, and even though they live in different cities, they see each other a few times a year. They easily pick up where they left off. Amy says they continue to use the communication and relating tools from workshops presented at camp.

“I never would have met Jason if it hadn’t been for Connection Camp. Because of the experiences at camp, we share a meaningful history together that is so easy to build on.”
 

Experience someone you love in a new way
 

Olivia came to connection camp two years ago solo, and set her mind to return the following year in a relationship. So in 2017, she brought her boyfriend, Jonathan, to camp. 

Jonathan remembered how fun it was to be there together. “It was a space to connect around play. I got to see sides of Olivia that aren’t always active.”
 

Tawkify goes to Connection Camp!
 

If you want to check out Connection Camp, use the code Tawkify to save $40 on your registration. And tell us all about your experience afterwards. Connection Camp will be assigning 'secret sweeties' (everyone is matched secretly to someone who they will do nice things for over the course of the weekend), group activities, and 40+ offerings from teachers and healers (think yoga by the lake, zouk dancing, authentic conversations, and a DJ’ed pool party).
 

Here’s to s’mores, new friends, and even some new romances blooming this summer!

Jace asks: "I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this. All of my friends are married. It's definitely 'time,' (I'm 35), but my dating efforts don't lead to anything serious. Is there something wrong with me?"

We all have a tendency to believe things that aren’t entirely true, and a defeatist attitude may be a primary reason you have not yet found your person.

“Why can’t I meet someone?" 

"There must be something wrong with me!”

These are the most common sentiments I hear from clients and friends when things go wrong in love. It’s time to burst that bubble forever!
 

I know this is easier said than done, especially when it feels like dating is predictably unpredictable.

But, it’s not a matter of if bad things will happen, it’s a matter of when. If staying motivated in the quest for love is a struggle, consider applying one (or all) of these tips to start dating with joy and optimism:

1. Build a Positivity Circuit.
   
   Spend one minute identifying 3 - 5 positive things a day. Use an online program like iCloud or Evernote, or opt for a physical notebook to document your progress.
   
   Gratitude not only helps us feel more confident, but it's scientifically-proven to help us win new relationships. Try it!
   

2. Create your 'Why'.
   
   Make a list of what you do and don't want in a relationship. This helps you prepare questions and focus your interactions. Use these questions as a litmus test while courting, and seek only those who satisfy your 'why'.
   
   For more on 'defining your dating cause,' check out Revitalize Your Desire to Date In 3 Steps.
   

3. Read the Law of Attraction.
   
   It's a life-transforming philosophy that explains why and how we get what we put-out in this world.
   

4. Explore new introductions.
   
   That professional group you've been avoiding like the plague is a self-organized 'home' waiting for you. Here, you can practice your hot new relational skills and meet like-minds. It's not always who is there, but who those people know.
   
   If you're looking for more IRL dating locale inspiration, don't miss 6 Unexpected Places to Meet People Offline and Meet Cute.
   

5. Chart a path to forgiveness.
   
   Think about what has hurt your heart in the past and be intentional about forgiveness — one person; one day at a time.
   
   Forgiveness creates hope that the past could be different.
   
   Until you fully heal, your past dating wounds will fester, clouding your judgment and obstructing your growth.
   

6. Take a self-care day.
   
   Take a guilt-free day off to take care of number 1: you. Eat a healthy breakfast, get your endorphins flowing, and do what you heart calls to — a bath, a new hobby, or just some good old silence. Cap it off with a good night's rest and you've got yourself a Kindness Kocktail!
   

7. Simply refuse to give up.
   
   Understand that dating isn't about striving for perfection.
   
   It's about showing up and giving it your all. When you bring that effort to every date, true love has the space to fall into place.
   

8. Smile. It's magic.

Don't give up, Jace! 

Alyssa Bunn
Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and Founder of Love & Co.

Looking for more matchmaker motivation? Hear from other experts on this topic: Matchmaker Says: From Cower To Power.

In two years of matchmaking experience, one client in particular stands out as having changed my life. 

Jane was in her early 30s in NYC. She had the same background as most Tawkify clients — she was successful, confident, well-traveled, kind and attractive. Just one problem...
 

She couldn’t find a quality date to save her life.

In just a few months of using dating apps, she had already been repeatedly stood up, ghosted, and rattled by a slew of weird and creepy messages.

Obviously, this is not what anyone hopes for when putting themselves out there to date. But as you all know, it’s what many experience when dating on their own. And it sucks!

For singles of all demographics (and especially for millennial women, I would argue) dating on apps is typically a routine process. You download the apps available and swipe for hours with minimal success. The average user logs in 11 times a day, and spends an average 8 minutes on the app each session. That’s 90 minutes a day!

Eventually, the process wears you down for one reason or another — whether it be lackluster dates, being ghosted, gross messages, or a combination of all three — and you delete them all! The cycle continues like this for most of my clients, and it was the same for Jane.
 

The beginning of the matchmaking experience with Jane was not at all flawless.

I found men who fit her preferences and priorities exactly as she had described them, but something wasn’t adding up.

Two dates into her package, we were both frustrated. For some reason, our approach was not yielding the type of person with whom she clicked - even though the candidates aligned perfectly on-paper.

It's my job to ease the dating pain, so I decided to try something different. On our check-in and feedback calls, we intentionally examined each of her preferences:
 

Treating the process with more heart and fewer checkboxes.

We dove deep into her feelings and anxieties before, during and after each date. This renewed approach gave her clarity, confidence and a new sense of authority over her awesome dating self.

Editor side note: "A great Matchmaker is persistent, accountable, communicative, compassionate, nurturing, creative, and thrives under pressure." Julia Armet, Tawkify Director of Operations

In our last few months working together, some dates were good, some just so-so. But with our intentional check-ins, each date became purposeful, moving towards something greater.

At the beginning of all this, Jane shared that she wanted to try full service matchmaking to find quality dates — and naturally, to also meet a long term partner. And while every client has their own unique relationship goals, what Julie ended up getting at the end of her experience was total dating transformation — and a framework to move forward with more confidence and success, without me to guide her.

Editor side note: This reminded us of another highlight from our interview with Director of Operations, Julia Armet — "Working with Tawkify isn’t outcome oriented, but more process oriented. The emphasis on the here-and-now vs. the outcome makes us into an experience where people gain the essential tools to implement into their own dating lives so they eventually don’t need us. We are here to give them introductions to people they may have not met otherwise but more importantly, we are here to empower them."

In our last phone call, Jane said, “You know, Lily, I haven’t met my soulmate in these past three months, but I have learned to trust my gut on dates for the first time in my life. I know how to trust what I want and how to get it. And that has changed the quality of dates I’ve found online and in-person outside of this experience. I feel like my dating life is exploding with great things now!”

I was overwhelmed. And I felt incredibly fortunate to have been a part of Jane’s journey. Most of all, I saw potential to share this experience and knowledge with more who could majorly benefit — which brought about the birth of Brazen, a company focused on empowering women to create dating experiences that leave them feeling energized, confident, possible and powerful.

In the past five years, the landscape of online dating has completely changed. There is more access and opportunity than ever to meet someone outside of your social circle. With that unlimited access to everyone (and everyone’s cousin), also brings unlimited headaches, hence the download, delete, download, delete phenomenon.
 

What I’ve found in my qualitative research over the years, is that when we treat swiping similar to the matchmaking process — with heart, intention, care and clarity — it completely changes the quality of dates that people experience.

I have seen how investing the time to investigate, verbalize and strategize around your swiping patterns, personality and preferences leads to more quality dates and ultimate success. Because when you swipe with intention, dates aren’t just random highs and lows. They are your constellation! In other words, they are your guide to make every date worth your time. 

If you are interested in learning more about Lily's Swipe with Intention course or the Brazen community, please visit her website at DateBrazen.com.

Lily Womble has been a top three matchmaker at Tawkify for two years, and in that time, she has worked with over 100 clients across the country. Through this experience, she's developed a methodology and course that helps women create a dating experience that leaves them feeling energized and confident, possible and powerful. And spoiler, it’s not because she's found them a “soulmate.”

Lily has made fighting for the interests of others her life's mission. Prior to matchmaking, her career as a professional advocate for women and girls took her from Alabama to Turkey to Malaysia and back. As the Founder of Brazen, she is harnessing that passion to build powerful tools, courses and community to empower women to achieve confident and successful dating lives.

"The pressures of dating stem from the need to uphold a dating mask," Julia Armet, Director of Operations at matchmaking service, Tawkify, tells Bustle. "We all fall into the game of dress-up, with social masks being one of the greatest blocks to establishing true intimacy."

Bustle was on the prowl for ways to stay empowered when dating has you down. They reached out directly and How To Stay Positive While Dating, According To Matchmakers hit the press!

That collaboration is most certainly worth a read, but the unpublished (full inside scoop) from the Tawkify team can only be found here on Heartalytics. 

Professional Match Recruiter at Tawkify, Evyenia Trembois:

Dating can be a total drag. It can start to feel like a complete waste of time, the same conversations over and over, and you, sitting there across the table from a relative stranger, wishing you were at home streaming Netflix. But, you keep putting yourself out there, if only because you're hoping that one of these days, you'll meet someone who will make the #firstdatestruggles all worth it.

"There are ways to keep dating fun, magical, exciting, and yes — even empowering." 
 

Dress like you mean it — I find the act of getting ready for a date to be one of the most enjoyable parts. Set aside some time to put on the 90's jams, have a glass of wine, perfect your cat eye, and put on that dress, or top that's been hanging in your closet for a month.

Editor side note: Guys — here are some pre-date preparation tips from Ask Jack to help you feel your best too!

I think too many of us spend too much time trying hard to look like we 'didn't try at all.' I say screw that! Go with the look you want to rock that day, instead of relying on the one that says 'I don't care, I'm super nonchalant about this whole thing.' This goes for men and women of all orientations!

Say it like it is, girl — This one is for the ladies, but if our most recent Male Mind interview rings true, men will appreciate this tip being employed. And honestly, all daters, of all orientations, should be encouraged to ditch the norms and weigh-in throughout the dating process.

So... If you really want to be empowered, speak up! This comes in the form of choosing the date location yourself, picking out a place you've been curious to try, or ending the date early after coming to the conclusion that it's not a match. You don't ever have to stay in a situation that isn't serving you. Women are conditioned to be "polite" in dating situations, even at the cost of our own fun, enjoyment and time. The bottom line is: you really don't owe anyone, anything.

"Have your own back, and do what feels right for you." 

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Melissa Roy:

You've got the power — You don't need to be empowered, you already have the power! Don't fall into the trap of thinking that other people have the upper hand over your self worth. You get to choose who you spend time with and who you want to be intimate with. That's what dating is all about!

You're already whole — You are not 'half' of a person looking for someone to complete you, you're looking for someone to complement the amazing person you already are.

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Kimia Mansoor:

Flip the Script — Is dating dragging you down or are you dragging dating down?

Turn inward and reconnect with yourself. Whether that be by getting outdoors, finding ways to reconnect with your faith or spirituality, or even going to therapy — it is important to examine where the loss of motivation is coming from. If you’re losing interest in dating and it's hard to drag yourself out of the house for a date, maybe your body is signaling for more TLC.

"When we care for ourselves, it shows in the form of invigorated confidence."
 

Reclaim your dating life! Self-care is the name of the game. Make sure you’re taking ample time for body, mind and spirit. Now you're ready to take on the challenges of dating in the modern world!

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Melissa Rogers:

Go on a hiatus — Put your dating apps on a time-out. That's right, forbid yourself from swiping! You might find that the monotony of doing the same thing day-after-day is what's dragging you down. Mix it up and get real. After several days of ditching the screen, you'll feel lighter, brighter and more connected to the here-and-now.

"By day three, you might even discover boosted confidence and more fruitful in-real-life interactions." 
 

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Rémy Boyd:

Channel Queen B — Listen to Beyonce's 'I'm Feelin' Myself,' it's the ultimate "I'm all that" anthem and will shift your mindset to, 'I'm in the driver's seat.' If Queen B isn't your jam, opt for your personal go-to mantra song instead. With this revitalized confidence, take some new pics, redo your dating profiles and start fresh. Be the person you'd want to date and you'll start catching the best fish in the sea. This is the one aspect of dating you can control, so own it!

Slow down — Dating should be light and fun. Relationships are tough!

"You have the rest of your life to get serious." 
 

Exploring options means just that — exploration! Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people as often as possible and create meaningful friendships. The best relationships begin with a solid foundation of friendship. Why? Because there's no pressure in the beginning! Slow down and let love come to you.

Be Bold — If you're interested in someone, ask them out! Let nothing and no one get in your way. Unless they are married (obviously), or in a committed relationship (be sure to ask!), but if they're single — go for it. If you land a date and it goes well, ask for date #2 on the spot. The only thing you get out of not making moves when inspired, is a lost opportunity. The equation is simple — Be bold, ask for what you want = get what you want.

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Marpessa Sanchez-Dominique:

Date Yourself — If and when the dating scene is dragging you down, take time out to 'date' yourself.

"This is the time to reflect, refocus, and revamp!"
 

Engage in hobbies that you enjoy. Pick up new hobbies like yoga with goats (yes that's a real thing). Hang out with friends and have fun again. (But do not have a bashing fest, boo!).

Strengthen Your Sense of Self Worth — Remember to always stay true to yourself and understand that by dating, you are looking for a potential partner that will be a happy and healthy addition to your life. Reminder: true happiness starts from within.

Anything worth having likely didn't come easy — Be patient. Don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't pan out. That may just be a blessing in disguise. Instead, stay positive and open-minded as much as possible for the next chance.

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Dorothy Stover:

Turn it up — Music feeds the soul. Always have a solid pump-you-up dance mix at the ready.

Dress it up — I agree with Evyenia on this point. Looking your best can turn anything around! Dress for yourself.

"Dress in clothes that are tailor-made for you, literally."
 

Consider a custom suit and/or bring your favorite pieces to the local seamstress for little nips and tucks that make all the difference. Give yourself that awesome gift and watch the blues melt away.

Flirt it up — Make eye contact and smile at people on the street, coffeeshops and anywhere you go. You'll see the energy around you change for the better. Eye contact and a genuine smile doesn't only make you feel good, it also makes you more approachable. You never know whose eye you might catch! I've suggested this to many clients and friends — I often hear back that it led to unexpected (but pleasing) introductions.

You'll stand out in the crowd with this approach, especially in a big city where people don't typically make eye-contact with their neighbors (much less that random coffeeshop cutie, wink wink!).

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Linda Curtin:

Get real — Two words to end dating dreariness: openness and realism. There are countless ways to learn, grow and move toward the type of relationship you seek. You can't control the outcomes and perceptions of every new person you meet. You only have control over how (and if) you portray your genuine self. "Rejection is protection!" You don't need a dozen partners, you only need one! Stay positive, learn, persevere and embrace the dating experience.

"Your dating journey is as unique as you are, so set some goals, define a few boundaries, and then accept where those take you."
 

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Sophy Singer:

Stop the clock — Take control of your time. Shut down the endless texting sagas that lead nowhere. Create rules and stick to them. Shut down app conversations by saying: "Hey, I'm really busy during the day at work and unable to text. Also, I prefer to connect over the phone or in-person with someone new. Here's my number if you'd like to connect." After that, go old school. The ball is in his/her court. By doing this you set a great precedent — you're not looking for a texting pen pal, but for real-life connections.

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Melody Kiersz:

Dating is a numbers game — just because you haven't met someone yet or things didn't work out, it doesn't mean that's not right around the corner. Another useful reminder: if someone didn't work out, it's not because you weren't good enough or pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough. It just wasn't the right person for you, and it doesn't make you any less worthy of love.

Life is calling — Cultivating a life outside of dating is essential. Obviously dating should be a priority for people who want a relationship, but it shouldn't take over our whole lives! Is every conversation you have with friends about men or women? Do you think about 'forever after' more than you think about your career, your goals, your family? If you've answered yes to these questions, of course you're drained!

"Not only do you want to be a well-rounded human being and have a full life, but organizing your entire life around the securement of a relationship prevents you from realizing that life is wonderful!"
 

Go out with friends, have some fun, recharge and be ready for more dating when you've completed a full dating detox.

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Caitlin D'Aprano, agrees with Melody:

Do things that make you feel happy. Create goals you want to work towards — self-esteem is built by the things we achieve not the number of boyfriends we've secured! Focus on the positive things that you can bring to a relationship and the positives of being single. Make an effort to meet one new person a week, a friend, a flame, an anybody!

"Don't be attached to a specific outcome, be in-the-moment with people you meet — you will attract quality people who are naturally drawn to you."
 

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Kate O'Connor:

I went on a horrible date recently that turned my world upside down. He was wrong on every level possible and I didn't understand how I missed the mark so badly. I questioned myself for the first time in a long time... what am I doing? I was upset that I had spent so much time and energy on someone who was so off. Since I'm a matchmaker, this is naturally something I give myself an ever harder time on.

The best thing I did after that date was give myself a week to recover, which reinforces both Sophy's and Melissa's tips. I didn't use online dating apps for one week and it saved me. I reflected on what I wanted to learn about a person before meeting them for the first date. I set "comfort expectations" with myself so I don't need to worry about missing the marks in major ways again — I think this speaks to my colleague Lily's new article about Swiping With Intention.

I also treated myself for a day — I agree that self-care truly is the name of the game, Kimia! Lastly, I talked to my girlfriends about my dating life and asked them for advice.

"Talking about what you want out-loud is refreshing, but it also holds you accountable for future potential dates."

Looking for more ways to beat the dating blues? On the next issue of Heartalytics, Alyssa Bunn, Matchmaker and author of column Ask Aly outlines her 10 steps to stomp out dating doubt for good. 

Okay, so it's been a while since my last article. I apologize for that, and I will certainly try to write more regularly. I appreciate all of the fabulous comments that you, my dear readers, have been leaving for me. It makes a gal feel good!

Your consistent feedback has signaled to me that you want more Guy Tawk…see what I did there? I read your signals, and responded. Granted, you may have had to hit me over the head with it, but I got the message!

One of the major issues I have noticed through work with clients centers around reading signals. Whether male or female, some folks don’t know what steps they are supposed to take before, during and after a first date. Today, I'll be breaking it down for you, guys. Let’s clear the airway, get your signals across crystal clear, and help riddle out what your date is trying to tell you.

BEFORE THE DATE

Signal 1: If you are a Tawkify client you likely know that before a Tawkify date you have no pre-interaction with your match. You don’t know what they look like outside of the 'picture' your matchmaker may have painted for you. This approach clears the clutter and frees you up to focus on YOU (and that's when the magic happens!). 

You get to just show up and have fun. So dress to impress, guys. Ditch the ripped jeans, faded Ts and baseball caps. The way you dress communicates how you feel about yourself. So when you dress well, you've sent a positive signal about your self-care and care for others. 

What signal is sent if you show up in that faded T, though? Well, if you show up looking like a slob, your date will receive the message that you weren’t excited to meet. Who wants to spend forever (or even the night) with someone like that?
 

If you want to make an even bigger impression and send a positive signal to your date, bring a small token.

Pre-date tip: One of my former gentlemen clients showed up to his dates with a small box of chocolates or a single white rose. Nine times out of ten, he got a second date. Bringing a small token shows that you are excited about meeting and hoping for something real to materialize from the date.

Even if during the date you find that you aren’t compatible, at least you are making a good impression by sending out the signal from the beginning that you are going into the date with high hopes and an open mind.
 

DURING THE DATE

Signal 2: I mean this in the nicest way possible, but stop checking out other people while you’re on a date. Your date should feel like they are the only person in the room. When your attention goes elsewhere — even to the television at the bar with the 'big game' on it, your date gets the signal (loud and clear) that you are not interested (or worst case, that you are rude). If you are interested in your date, give them your attention.
 

If your date has a wandering eye, chances are they are just not that into you.

Signal 3: If your date touches you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to go home and jump in the sack. I have been married for 13 years, and I touch people that I’m talking to all the time — men and women. As you may or may not know, I work as a director and I have a lot of actors on set with me. When I talk to them, I usually put my hands on their shoulders if they are in front of me or my arm around them if they are next to me. It’s the way that I am. (I’m Italian—what can I say?) If a date touches your hand or your arm, it’s not necessarily an invitation.
 

It is, however, a signal that your date is starting to feel comfortable with you. That’s a good thing.

During date tip: Guys — when ordering a drink, let your date order first. If your date orders something non-alcoholic, ask if it's alright for you to order something alcoholic (if that’s what you want). When your date orders something non-alcoholic, it might signal they don’t feel comfortable enough to drink.
 

When you ask about whether or not they are OK with you going in a different direction, it signals thoughtfulness of others, respect for what they want, and makes a very good first impression.

And, hey, if your date doesn’t want to drink and minds that you do, it’s probably a good indicator that you aren’t a match.

Signal 4: Often times, people are uncomfortable eating in front of someone they don’t know. It’s the strangest thing! If your date asks if you would like to share an appetizer, or even just asks about food, it means that they are hungry. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize this, but if you turn down sharing an appetizer or not ordering food, they probably won’t order anything either and end up being hungry.
 

Hungry can quickly turn into hangry. Share the app. Don’t give your date a reason to complain or be uncomfortable!

Signal 5: When the bill comes to the table, the server most likely will put it in front of the man if it is a man-woman date, or in the middle of the table if it is a same-sex date.

If you go to grab the bill, it signals that you are going to pay. If your date goes for their wallet, they are most likely going to offer you money to pay for the check.

This is in BOLD because it is important: Just because your date offers to split the bill doesn't mean they want to.

Often times, this is a courtesy and perhaps a bit of a test to see if you want to foot the bill. How you handle this situation can send many different signals. If you're planning on seeing them again, decline the split offer and say something cute like, “You can get it next time.”

If you aren’t planning on a second date, go ahead and accept their offer. Some men like to pay the full bill even if they aren’t looking for a second date, and that is really sweet. Guaranteed your date will mention that when talking about your date and/or giving feedback to their matchmaker!
 

AFTER THE DATE

Signal 6: If your date lingers by the table after you pay, it means that they would like you to walk them to the train station, their car, home, whatever. They don’t necessarily want the night to end.
 

A handshake signals, “Thank you, I had a nice time. You’re in the friend zone, but I’ll see you again. Maybe.”

A hug signals that they liked you a little more than that. And a kiss… Well… that’s a whole different article that I need to write.

Seriously, though, if you had a nice time with your date, give an old-fashioned kiss on the cheek. Some people think that a full-on kiss is pushing it for the first date, and they might be right. Different people have different signals for that. You can be bold and say something to the effect of, “I’d really like to kiss you goodnight,” and see what the reaction is.
 

There is always the danger of going too far and ruining the night.

Signal 7: If you want to see your date again, ask for their number or flat out say that you want to see them again. They will let you know if they want to see you again or not. If you do happen to get their number, text them an hour later saying, “Hey! Just wanted to make sure you got home okay.” Again, this is something that signals that you are interested in them. If they text you back immediately, the interest is probably there, too.

Candice Cain
Writer + Director + Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Learn more about Candice, here.

Welcome to Male Mind — The interview series featuring a different man's take on love-life topics every month. From dropping the right cues to making the first move, Evyenia Trembois gets the inside story straight from the source.

E: What are you using right now to meet women?

J: I’m on The League and I’m on Tinder.

E: Tell me about your last online date.

J: I met this woman from The League. She was very nice, we had a nice time. I realized she was using pictures from five or six years prior. I felt like that was a little bit disrespectful when I got home, and I didn’t want to go out with her again. We didn’t have a deep connection, I wasn't feeling it. 

E: Why did you feel disrespected?

J: Because I’m busy. And it’s dating. There’s someone for everybody, you just need to be honest about what you look like. All of my pictures are within the last 12 months because every two to three years, how you look changes a little bit.

"I think it’s important to be honest about what you look like for the purposes of dating."

E: Do you often find, with online dates, that people don’t look as you expect them to?

J: I don’t often find that because I like to think that I am pretty attuned to the different tricks people use to manipulate their looks for photos. Being a production professional, I kind of know a little bit of the different tactics that are out there. So I generally find that people look like their pictures, but I’m very selective about who I’ll go out with because I can tell when someone’s being a little bit smooth with their photos.

E: What’s your go-to for an online date?

J: Drinks. Just drinks, yeah, because you don’t know anything about the person, generally speaking. There was a time in online dating where people used to exchange emails and build up a little bit of romance before they met, and you would even maybe try to do something fun for a first date, but I think... 

"In today’s dating culture, the stakes are just too high and the time too limited, especially for someone like myself who’s just super, super busy."
 

So I want to get out, see what the person is like in-person, see if they can hold a good conversation, learn more about them and what they’re like. I like to think I’m a good conversationalist, so drinks are a good way to do that.

E: How do you feel about footing the bill on a first date?
 

"I always pay 100% of the time."

E: Do you ever feel frustrated about that? Do you ever not want to pay for the date when you’re not interested?

J: Nope, I always pay. I’m never interested, but I always pay. (laughs)

E: Do you meet women in-person?

J: I have. I do. Yes.

E: Tell me about the last time you met someone in real life.

J: Last night. That's very rare though because there seems to be bad vibes in the air right now about being forward romantically, so I'm reluctant. Also, I meet women through work, (not that they work for me or with me), but that we’re all in the same industry, so I’m hesitant. I think it's best to wait until the woman drops a cue, otherwise you create tension (which, for me, could leak into professional life).

E: So, if you, for example, saw a girl that you found attractive in a coffee shop, would you approach her?

J: No, never. I think it’s disrespectful in a certain way because I can imagine what it must be like...men are the traditional pursuers in dating, and some are too aggressive. The women I'm typically attracted to likely already have enough unwanted attention to deal with. So I feel it’s disrespectful. 

"Just because I like the way someone looks, doesn't mean I should invade their space and force them to deal with me." 
 

You know nothing about that person...it’s just not something I’ve ever liked to do. If I start talking to someone organically, and it somehow evolves into a long conversation, and I feel like they’re enjoying themselves, then I might ask if they want to get a coffee or have a drink. Or, I might see someone and compliment them on their jacket (or something they’re wearing), and see if they either say thank you and move on, or if they take that and try to keep the conversation going.

"But I never just walk up to a woman on the street and say Hey, I think you’re gorgeous, would you like to get a drink with me sometime? I know men who do that, and there’s nothing wrong with it, I just don’t feel comfortable putting that on someone."

E: Are there any cues a woman could drop that indicate she wants you to approach? And would you feel comfortable with a woman approaching you?

J: The 'on the street' pick-up is hard. But, I’m totally open to it. Sometimes women start talking to me on the street...the other day I was at a coffee shop and this woman started talking to me about my dog. We kept talking, and I was wondering, does this woman want me to ask her out? She was very cute, I thought she was attractive, but I didn’t know!

She was about five or six years younger than me, if not more. I thought, maybe she’s just being nice...I think she’s attractive, but who knows what she thinks of me. Maybe she’s just having a chat.’ So I didn’t ask her out.

"I want to be able to have a nice chat with someone who happens to be good looking without trying to get them to go out with me." 
 

It ruins the serendipity of life if with every interaction you’re wondering if someone’s trying to date you. So usually I’ll wait for a woman to ask me something...there are certain things a woman can drop into a conversation that lets you know they are interested in going out with you. Questions like, do you live in the neighborhood? Or, do you come here a lot? Whatever... 

"Any personal inquiry about your daily routine is a cue." 
 

Also, personal questions like where you live. These type of questions hint that they want to get to know you better, versus just a random chat on the street.

Evyenia insight: As a single, relatively ‘conventionally attractive’ woman, I found all of this refreshing, and frustrating at once. Any time a man approaches me, I tend to think they’re hitting on me (but it’s never the ones I’d like to approach that do), so it’s nice to think that there are guys like John out there. That said, it’s interesting to hear that there are little tricks we can pick up on, or plug into conversation to show interest.
 

E: You mentioned age earlier. You’re 38, never been married. No kids. How does that play into dating for you? And what are you looking for right now?

J: I want to find something serious, you know. I want to have a shared household with somebody that is going to be a long-term, marriage oriented relationship. That’s what I want, that’s my goal.  

"Dating is no fun in Los Angeles, that’s for sure. And the older you get, the less options there are." 
 

The older people get, the more likely they are to be married, so the pool is smaller.  And then, you know, most people don’t get more attractive after their late thirties. So between all those things, I feel a little bit of time pressure. 

E: Leave me with a funny date story!

J: I went on this date with this woman from the internet a couple of months ago, and she showed up to the date super nervous. Regardless, we tried to have a conversation that was super stilted and awkward, and then after fifteen minutes — like we hadn’t even finished a drink — she got up and was like 'I just met someone last week who I’m really into so, I gotta go!' And she just walked out. I was like...great!

This interview was edited to omit certain questions on 5/8/18 as requested by the interviewee. While it's very important to us to be honest and unfiltered with our content, it's equally important to respect the privacy and wishes of those we speak to. Thank you John for talking to us, we appreciate you! 

After three failed long-term relationships and my marriage recently ending in divorce, it's clear I am a part of the problem. I'm fortunate to have a great career and full social life, but I keep hearing the same bad marriage advice from the same people.

Unfortunately, I think following some of that advice has (in part) led me down this road. I'm doing 'my part' and going to therapy (better late than never at 46!)...but I'd like to hear from an expert on what common relationship saboteurs I should avoid bringing into my next relationship. — Jace

Hi Jace,

Wouldn't it be nice if the only advice doled out was actually helpful? There is no doubt that relationships are messy and that marriage is no a walk in the park. It doesn't matter what your relationship status is, whether you are dating, engaged or married, every relationship has its own set of demands.

That is to say that every relationship is different, so sometimes the tried-and-true, time-honored advice doesn't really apply — as you're figuring out, Jace! To be clear, there are no right or wrong set of rules that apply to every relationship. What works well for one couple might not work for another at all. 

Before digging in, I think it's important to note that when 'setting rules' like this, only two things really matter — that the rules are crafted specifically for whatever relationship you're in presently (not based on past ones) and that you must remain flexible, always ready to adapt if/when things change.
 

That said, there are definitely some common 'marital saboteurs,' (packaged as good advice), that I wish people would stop handing out! Like...
 

1. Always ‘agree’ to keep the peace.

How often have you been told to 'keep the peace.' No matter what the issue is, don't 'stir the pot' within your marriage. I challenge this adage because I don't believe it applies to this century's marriages, and I also don't believe it actually leads to success.

Obviously, there are some things that you shouldn’t waste your time arguing about. That said, if you keep the peace always, shaking your head in agreement even when you seriously don't agree, you are creating an unsustainable dynamic. Eventually, this philosophy leads down the road of resentment — the partner that 'keeps the peace' will feel powerless until they implode. 
 

"All healthy relationships experience conflict."

Don't shy away from conflict when it's in the best interest of the relationship to speak up. Finding a healthy balance to navigate your way through difficult conversations is essential to relationship longevity — and resolving disagreements in this way brings you closer together. 

2. Secrets have no friends.

Let’s be real, there are some secrets better told to your best friend (or therapist, Jace!) rather than to your partner. We all have secret inner thoughts and things we're working on, there's no need to disclose everything to your partner, that's not reasonable or healthy.

It's absolutely OK to keep things to yourself — about your past, about your fears etc. Obviously, the breakdown of trust is profoundly damaging in marriage/relationships, so if you are hiding something major that your partner has the right to know, this does not apply.

Successful couples recognize the importance of ‘me and us’ time.
 

"Both partners should be supportive of each other’s separateness — that's what makes the relationship interesting and dynamic."
 

3. Gender roles rule.

Enforcing pre-defined marital roles for yourself and/or your partner is a big no-no. No marriage fits into a one-size-fits-all box, so why would anyone assume their partner does either?
 

Make your own rules and respect your partner's right to individuality.

We're discovering more and more that 'gender,' and more specifically masculine vs. feminine qualities are socially constructed concepts. As long as both you and your partner are happy with the dynamic, break the norms and switch-it-up! 
 

4. I-spy with my little eye...
 

'If you want to know if he/she was really working late, do a little digging.''

This is a slippery slope. Don't play adult i-spy, it's toxic! Is it possible your suspicion is born from personal insecurities? Look inward first, always. If you really feel uncomfortable, however, and your partner's behavior could be putting themselves, or you, in danger (such as a gambling problem or addiction), they make an app for that! 
 

5. Get help when the problems start.

Don't we all need a little help? Of course you should have some kind of relationship counselor — especially if you're repeatedly experiencing the same fallout issues in multiple relationships.

The most important part of this — do it early! Do it when things are still good — before you can't stand to be in the same room, before you start looking for a way out.
 

"Do not let fixable problems fly-by."

For some, seeing a counselor sounds like a super scary concept — 'oh no, I don't think we're there yet!' I argue that this is an unproductive taboo. Among the many benefits, a great thing about counseling is that it teaches you how to have stellar communication — how to actively listen to one another without talking over each other. These sound like simple concepts, but it's actually pretty tough to accomplish, especially over time with the same person. 
 

"Relationship counseling isn't your last hope."

"It's the thing that prevents you from needing a last hope." 

Remember, relationship advice is by no means universal. Even these rules are subject to change depending on the relationship and the two unique people within it.

In that vein, challenge everything Jace! Whatever advice you are getting, think on it hard before actually applying it. 

You've got this, 

Jack

Welcome to Ask Jack! An advice column where our male friends and colleagues tackle selected reader questions submitted via the ask page. Not every 'Jack' will do it in the same way — so don't miss a single episode!

Today's 'Jack' is a self-taught blogger from L.A. He started writing at a young age and now has his own digital content training company. He shares his knowledge on men's issues across the web.

Welcome to Meet Cute, where Professional Match Recruiter, Freyja, catalogs her personal, live from the trenches dating adventures (and misadventures) with the express purpose of improving your IRL dating game. 

Coffee shop? Cocktail lounge? Home Improvement store? You name it, she'll go there and report back with the verdict. 

The last time I met someone that I was interested in organically was 3 years ago, at a friends birthday party. A year before that I had met someone while working. He was a customer at a shop I worked at, and kept coming in every couple of weeks until phone numbers were eventually exchanged, and we went on a first date. And before that, I was meeting guys out in bars on random weekends out with my friends. In the last three years, however, with the surge in popularity and normalcy of using dating apps, meeting people in real life has gotten a lot more difficult.
 

I’m not alone in feeling this way, so I decided to go on a quest to figure out just how easy (or difficult) it is to meet people in-real-life.

I’m someone who generally prefers to meet romantic interests out in the 'real world' because I am ultimately a chemistry-based person, who is sad to say that I also tend to have a rather specific physical type. And I only get pickier when I’m swiping through online profiles (which often feel one-dimensional and contrived).

Unfortunately, we live in a world where technology has all but taken over, and walking around with your head buried in your phone is the norm, making meeting people out in-real-life more elusive than ever. This fact was illustrated clearly for me a couple of years ago, when I met someone on-set for an acting project. He hardly acknowledge my existence. Six months later, we matched on a dating app, went out on a date, and his level of interest skyrocketed.
 

It’s like he didn’t see me as a date-able human woman, until we matched on an app.

I asked a group of my peers about the last time they met someone organically. One woman I asked (who works in finance), has never used an app. She’s in an open relationship with her boyfriend who lives abroad (she met him on a bus in Spain — he simply saw her, walked up to her, asked for her phone number, and the rest...well, that’s still being written).

Now, anytime she meets someone new, it tends to be out-and-about, often through mutual friends of her co-workers. In her work, she tends to be surrounded by men, so it’s relatively easy for her to meet single ones. I work remotely, so that’s just not an option for me.

Another friend (who’s currently in grad school), said it's been over a year since she met someone IRL, though she didn't initiate it. He boldly asked for her number while she was waiting for a Lyft after a night out — this straightforward IRL tactic is what I like to call, the 'cold approach.' 

The number of men who employ the ‘cold approach’ seem to be dwindling, which led me to the next step in this experiment: learning more about the male perspective.
 

Here’s what happened this month on Meet Cute...

V Wine Room
Wine Bar, West Hollywood, Los Angeles
7:30 PM on a Wednesday

It was pretty dead. There was a large group of seniors who were taking some sort of wine class, and a few businessmen in their 40’s who seemed to be regulars, grabbing after-work drinks. They seemed to be friendly and having a good time, but I didn’t get close enough to check for wedding rings or strike up a conversation. The sommelier was cute, outgoing, and age-appropriate, but alas, he was taken. He did give me some great tips for how to approach people in the service industry, however! He mentioned that if you try asking someone out at the end of their shift, they might flat out reject you out of sheer exhaustion.
 

Picking up on their vibe, and the kind of day they’re having is key. Aside from that, he recommends being as straightforward and genuine as possible.

Bonus points if you make it clear that however they respond won’t affect your continuing patronage of the business.

VERDICT: While I wouldn’t go there to meet men, I would go back for the conversation, and sommelier insights! I’ve been to this wine bar twice, and both times (each with two different sommeliers), they were really open to discussing their perspectives on men and dating, and giving advice when needed. Wine and girl/boy talk — that's a win-win if you ask me!

Trader Joes
Fairfax District, Los Angeles
9:30 AM, Monday

I was going to meet a friend for coffee, and then post-up with my computer to work, so I thought I’d grab a to-go lunch from Trader Joes. Honestly, meeting someone was the last thing on my mind, but I was in a cute dress and 'feeling myself.' I stopped outside of the store after purchasing my items to organize my backpack, and an Australian man who was quite a bit older than I typically go for, approached me. He went with a very straight-forward approach. “You’re very beautiful. You caught my eye in the store. I’d like to give you my card, maybe we can get drinks or dinner.”
 

It was a nice compliment, and I respected that he was to-the-point, while not being overbearing (i.e. he gave me his card, instead of asking for my number — take note gents!).

That said, he was still 20 years older than me, and I didn’t enjoy being hit-on by someone who could have been my father. I declined his offer, and handed back the card. He seemed pretty shocked by that, but it felt good to be clear and honest (I recommend it ladies). Also, why would you want to waste anyone's time?

Ralphs
Culver City, CA
4:00pm, Saturday

I had been out all day and was making a quick grocery run before heading home. I walked past this guy, and I noticed him because he almost could have been my type, but had this weird mustache that threw me off. He ended up behind me in line, whether on purpose or by accident, I’ll never know, but he asked me about the walking boots I was wearing, and if I liked the brand. Based on my Man Crush Monday interview with John (hitting Heartalytics on the next issue), it’s likely that this guy was open to feeling out a potential connection, and I could have given a cue of mutual interest by asking a question back.

Instead, I politely answered his question, and then turned away. This was not out of outright disinterest towards this man (although the mustache really wasn’t helping his case). It had more to do with the fact that I suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious. I had been running around in the rain all day, and just didn’t feel my most confident. So this points to something I need to work on, which is to be more open and receptive, especially IRL situations.
 

Knowing how to drop cues of interest is just as important, if not more important, than being able to pick up on them.

VERDICT: These were unusual experiments because I don't typically get hit-on at grocery stores. That said, it seems like a solid IRL option as it happened twice in such a short period of time. I would say, give it a go! If you are open to meeting someone in this capacity, and you've planned ahead and aren't in a stained T-shirt, your chances are solid!
 

Meet Cute Tip — wearing an article of clothing that could be a conversation starter is a useful tool (whether it's a favorite band T, or a bold jacket). It allows for people to open the door to a conversation in a way that doesn’t feel overly aggressive or too smooth (just right!).

Madison & Park Coffee
West Hollywood, Los Angeles
Tuesday, 12:00PM

Trying to figure out how and where it’s possible to meet someone in-real-life has forced me to be a more present and aware of my surroundings.

Which brings me to another Meet Cute Tip: Take your headphones out while strolling, while shopping, all the time really (if you're hoping for an IRL interaction).  

As I look around this coffee shop on a weekday, there are a lot of people on their computers. As can be expected — most, if not all, are probably here to work. But I also notice that every single man in here has earphones in, which can only really be interpreted as 'don’t talk to me.' If I had seen someone interesting in here, I’m not sure it would have been an environment that would be conducive to starting a conversation.

VERDICT: Maybe not the best place on a weekday when everyone has their head down to work. I’d be open to checking out another coffee shop to see if the vibe is different, or trying on off-hours to see if people seem more social.

Perhaps on the next Meet Cute!

Olivia Balsinger... Professional Matchmaker, Travel Guru and now — writer for Paste magazine, how fab! 

Dating sucks. That’s a fact. But moreover, it can be monotonous: How often does it seem like we are going through the motions with some stranger that we—without more than three seconds of thought—decided to swipe right for?

First dates, specifically, can often feel rehearsed, with each party on the opposite sides of the table seemingly going through a checklist of questions in order to get to know the other person, or in the very least ease the tension wrought by the pervading awkwardness that comes with the vulnerability of “putting yourself out there” (What do you do? Any siblings? Do you, erm, like…music?). But what if there were some simple tricks that would not only ease the stress that comes with the dating territory, but also establish more meaningful experiences with the person lucky enough to score a date with you?

In our series “Heart Beats,” romance guru Olivia Balsinger fishes for answers for the Paste gang—in this article, we’ve assembled five love experts—professional matchmakers from the nationally acclaimed matchmaking service, Tawkify—and asked them give their best pieces of advice so we can open the doors to a new dating life.

1. Let Go of Your Dating Past
 

Remy Boyd is a Tawkify matchmaker who has noticed one pattern time and time again: Those who have trouble finding love in the present have trouble letting go of their dating pasts. “We’re all the sum total of our experiences and our dating lives leave lasting impressions,” explains Boyd.

“When you’ve made the decision to jump back in the dating pool, keep your past experiences in the past. While baggage is inevitable—and while you learned lessons and have horror stories to share, but they are not predictors of what possibilities await you in the future.”

So how does Boyd suggest putting energy into the present and away from past memories and experiences?  “Focus on today and what will make you happy and let the past go.”

2. Do NOT Ignore Red Flags
 

Those clichéd red flags that we are always told to avoid? Sophy Singer, Tawkify matchmaker, strongly advises you do not ignore them. But when do they first surface, how can you identify them?
 

“Red flags are usually glaring in your face within one to two months of meeting someone new,” explains Singer. “Don’t ignore them. Be aware. Decide if these red flags are things you can live with forever, or not.”

Generally speaking, people do not change and these red flags will not disappear, she continues.  “If you are alright with the red flags, keep at it with an open mind and an open heart. If not, then no matter how hot/sexy/fun/brilliant/amazing-in-bed/rich this person is, the red flags will never go away, so it’s probably a good idea to walk away. It’s not easy, but here’s what it boils down to: Most relationships (3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years) end for reasons that were there and apparent within one to two months of dating.” The earlier you can identify these red flags, the easier it will be in the long run, when emotions can (and most likely will) progress.

3. Get Comfortable with Uncomfortable Silences
 

While being comfortable with the uncomfortable sounds like a contradiction, Tawkify matchmaker Constance Karcher believes that overcoming those inevitable awkward moments during a first date is the key to dating success.

“There is always a dynamic on a date and most of us are not conscious of it because we don’t take control of our thoughts,” explains Karcher.

“We let them run in whatever direction they happen to go…which is typically what this person is thinking of us or, at the other extreme, picking them apart.

Learn to really be in the moment and if a silence does show its ugly face… well…. sip your drink, make deliberate eye contact and smile.  Silence doesn’t have to be awkward and, honestly, why is it? Sometimes a pause can be a good time to take it all in and process, even if just for a brief moment.”

Karcher also believes that the energy we bring to the situation has a large effect on how the date will transpire.  “And I’ve learned that the less uncomfortable one party is the less uncomfortable the situation is,” she continues. “In some cases that move can secure you a second date out of sheer intrigue or worst case scenario, you have a MUCH better time because you’re not sweating bullets.”

4. Do Not Assume Exclusivity
 

Matchmaker Amy De Souza shares a tip that has given her great success in her own personal dating life: “Don’t assume it’s exclusive until you’ve had that conversation. And, until you do, keep on dating. You’ll be much less focused on hearing from ‘the one’ if there are a few.”

De Souza didn’t put all her eggs in one metaphorical basket when she first met her current fiancé -she was seeing other people and continued meeting potential matches until they discussed going exclusive. “I was so much more relaxed about the whole situation, unlike in the past where I was waiting for that one guy to call or text.”

Amy believed that her relaxed attitude made her more attractive to him.

“When less focus was put on every solitary thought, I’m certain my relaxed attitude made me more attractive to him. I wasn’t as focused on him. I was going about my life and he gradually and naturally became a part of it, rather than shifting all of my focus onto him.”

“In fact,” muses De Souza, “Try and go on as many dates as you can. I aimed for three a week!”

5. There’s Plenty of Fish in the Sea—Go Fish
 

Cora Boyd, Tawkify matchmaker and love coach, also emphasizes that dating is a numbers game. “Yes we all know that one wallflower who met the love of her life the first day of college when he sat next to her in Psych 101 and they happened to have the same backpack and Green Day ringtone…”

But Boyd attributes that to luck.  And, as Denzel Washington said, “Luck is when an opportunity comes along and you’re prepared for it.”

“To put the odds in your favor and have agency in your dating lives, you must not only be open to possibilities, but also put must put yourself in the way of opportunity, and actively create it.  This means being open to meeting people,” explains Boyd. “This means remembering that, more often than not, dating is a numbers game.”

When it comes to our personal relationships, of course we want quality over quantity.  “We find quality by filtering quantity.  And in order to do that, we need options to filter through.

So stay open, meet lots of people in various capacities (not just romantic!), and narrow down from there,” said Boyd.
 

“It starts with opportunity, filters down to the opportunities that are right for us, and crystallizes in the opportunities that are both right for us and we are prepared to meet.”

The platitude is true: we miss 100% of the shots we do not take.  “This is not about lowering our standards. This is about keeping a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity. There have never been this many people on the planet in the history of the world. There have never been this many fish in the sea.” Now, go fish!

Read this article on Paste here.

I'm typically a confident guy, but every once in a while I experience first date anxiety. Any constructive tips to help deal? — Alex

Hey Alex!

First dates are nerve-wracking, but being visibly nervous can make it more difficult to make a connection. Once your date senses your nerves, she (or he) will likely also have trouble feeling comfortable. Of course, it’s understandable to be somewhat timid on a first date, but you’ll have an easier time getting to know your date if you both put nerves aside.

Finding the confidence to open-up in this way may be tricky, but with just a few easy steps, you’ll be on your way to feeling self-assured. Here are some tips to keep in mind  before heading out for your next first date.

1. Check-out the place ahead of time
   
   Nervousness is the natural byproduct of not feeling in-control. But that's OK! Why? Because preparation is the one element of the dating process you can control. 
   
   Before arriving for your date, get more familiar with the venue. Visit their website and social media to feel out the vibe of the place ahead of time. Once you know the atmosphere of the location, you’ll be better equipped (not just logistically but also mentally). You'll know how to get there, whether to dress casually or formally, and you'll have more knowledge about the menu, seating, etc.
   
   Side-note on dress-code: If you’re unsure, go overdressed rather than underdressed. Showing up to a date in basketball shorts and an old college T-shirt is uncouth, man! 
    
2. Upgrade your self-care
   
   If you’re used to simply brushing your teeth, throwing on some jeans, and splashing water on your face every morning, this is for you.
   
   Men need self-care too! There’s nothing wrong with a quick routine when getting ready for a normal work day, but if you want to leave an impression, incorporate some simple extra steps to look (and feel) your best.
   
   I recommend a fresh shave, exfoliating, moisturizing and whitening your teeth. If you’re planning on dating more in the months to come, consider finally tackling longer-term cosmetic needs, like acne treatments or hair loss products. Invest that extra time in yourself and you will feel more confident on your next date.
    
3. Have conversation topics ready
   
   Preparation, guys! If you've found that you are actually more nervous about the social aspect of the date, prepare yourself ahead of time.
   
   Consider what you know about your date and think of topics the two of you can chat about. Many of us dread those unfortunate awkward silences, so if you already have ideas for subjects to talk about, you’ll be able to smoothly transition from one conversation to another.
   
   Heartalytics notation: For more help on this, don't miss:
   
   Matchmaker Says: Let's Give Em' Something to Talk About
   Matchmaker Says: Just Don't Ask
   Crash Course On Crush Talk
    
4. Check-in with your date that morning
   
   Being stood-up is a confidence-crusher; so, this small step is an important one to take. Checking-in with your date the morning-of smooths nerves and reduces the risk of first date flakes. Text your date in the AM to confirm the day and time still work. This way, if they forgot, you’ll remind them and if they need to reschedule, you’ll be able to take care of it right away.
    
5. Brainy body language 
   
   Believe it or not, nonverbal cues say more about us than our words. This includes the tone of your voice, facial expressions, posture, and much more. In order to feel confident it’s not only necessary to say the right things, you should physically appear and sound confident as well.
   
   Before and during your date, pay attention to the cues you give off. Are you slouching or avoiding eye contact? These are two obvious body language cues of insecurity. Work towards using a more positive, confident body language to show your date you are happy and excited to be there.

Implement these five strategies and see how you feel, Alex!

Parting thoughts — perhaps the most important thing to remember on a date is to be yourself. Although you’re likely to feel those nerves heading into a date, remind yourself that if it doesn’t go smoothly, it’s just not meant to be.

We put so much pressure on ourselves that we don't enjoy the journey. That's a mistake. 
 

Finding your confidence while dating might be difficult to get the hang of, but after a while, these tips will help you find the confidence that was always there. 

You've got this, 

Jack

Welcome to Ask Jack! An advice column where our male friends and colleagues tackle selected reader questions submitted via the ask page. Not every 'Jack' will do it in the same way — so don't miss a single episode!

Today's 'Jack' is an industry leader who owns his own well-known men's product company. He's been helping men feel and look confident for decades. Thanks for answering Alex's question, Jack!

Whether you’ve been single a week or ten years, the desire to date varies. Just the thought of jumping back into the dating world can feel scary, especially if a past relationship ended in distress.

If your lady cheated on you with her 'work husband,' trust may be a tall order. If your man ghosted you, being haunted by the ghost-of-boyfriend-past can be crippling for months. Unless we are betrothed at birth, most of us have to be inspired (and find a way to stay inspired), to continually date.

Through my work as a matchmaker, I’ve learned that dating serves many purposes.

Dating connects people — it helps us learn what is or is not right for our lives and how to navigate the unpredictable waters of romantic relationships. Inspiration to date plays a major role in how we navigate those waters. 

‘In spirit,’ inspiration means that something is moving you to take action. Inspiration is what makes you want to take that risk, to put in the time, to deal with disappointment, and to stay present even in the face of rejection. When you're inspired to date, the exhilaration of connecting makes it all worth it — filling your cup and fueling success for future interactions. 

‘Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.’

So... What inspires you to act for love?

Many spiritual and religious beliefs center on inspiration — what vision, thought or feeling guides our actions and ultimately, the end result. For example, Buddhism teaches that nothing happens by chance. There is meaning behind every outcome and that meaning is rooted in inspiration — what moves you to make the choice, in this case, to actively search for love?

If you’re not sure how to answer this question, that's OK! I'm here to walk you through it. Let's revitalize your desire to date in 3 simple steps!

1. Define Your Cause
   
   What benefits will a successful dating life offer your life? I'm not talking about the obvious reasons to date... like combating loneliness, the need for companionship or emotional support. Instead, I'm talking about benefits that hold greater influence on your life and purpose — i.e. new friends, personal or professional connections, resources, perspectives, etc.
   
   Your cause might be the big things like marriage, family and building a legacy (these are the big ticket items), but also worth considering are the finer things... like watching the sunrise or having someone to cuddle as you fall asleep at night. While seemingly 'small,' these types of causes help us remain in-the-moment throughout the dating process. Journey before destination!
   

2. Consider Your Examples
   
   Did your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles have solid relationships or marriages when you were growing up? Who in your life now is a good example of the type of relationship you desire?
   
   If you can think of examples, I recommending talking to those people directly about their relationships. Find out what inspired them. Understand what makes their relationships work in order to gain perspective for your own journey.
   

3. Clue Your Date In
   
   If you have a budding or active dating life, get into the habit of cluing your date in on what inspires you romantically and why. Share examples of relationships that inspire you. Discuss your cause (from step #1) and open the discussion enough to discover theirs.
   
   You might find that your date's 'cause' is similar to yours. You could also find they are different, which is valuable to you as well — hearing another person's 'cause' helps revitalize/pinpoint your own! This is a purpose driven conversation that creates real connections — and if the circumstances are right this connection may form the foundation of a strong bond down the road.

(In) The Spirit of Love,

Rémy Boyd

If you're looking for long-term relationship success, finding someone you're compatible with is key. Although not entirely impossible, being in a relationship with someone who's completely different from you in every way can make things a little more challenging. According to matchmakers, there are certain sets of incompatible qualities between partners that are much more likely to lead to relationship failure than success.

"There are some obvious ones, like not wanting the same things in life, lifestyle choices in terms of travel or location, and relationship style (i.e. monogamous versus polyamorous)," Melody Kiersz, Professional Matchmaker at digital matchmaking service, Tawkify, tells Bustle...

Bustle reached out to pick our brains on the most perilous romance deal-breakers — you know, those insurmountable relationship road blockers that leave a trail of broken hearts in their wake! From misaligned life goals to spiritual leaning, our matchmakers spilled.

Don't miss Bustle's The 15 Incompatible Qualities That End Relationships, According To Matchmakers. Want more? Dive deeper with the Heartalytics version (expanded matchmaker responses found here). Date on!
 

Matchmaker and Heartalytics columnist, Rémy Boyd:
 

Emotive vs. Apathetic — The chance of a relationship enduring between an emotive person and an apathetic person is not impossible, but slim. The emotively inclined person will eventually feel uncared for and the apathetically inclined partner will feel burdened. Sooner or later resentment will creep in from both sides and cause a breakup.

Clinger vs. Loner — ‘Clinging vines’ get a bad rap! Companionship is obviously a big part of relationships, but everyone falls somewhere within the range of the clinger/loner scale.

Partnerships between people on either end of the range are doomed!
 

Loners need 'me time,' it's essential. Loners also want to miss their partners, which makes time together more meaningful. Whereas, clingers are energized by 'us time,' and do not feel connected without lots of it. If boundaries are not established early in the relationship, there is little chance for success.

Matchmaker & Relationship Writer, Cora Boyd, says it's all about:
 

Level of self-actualization

We all want to improve ourselves, to be better this year than we were in the last. Self-actualization, a psychological term used to refer to fulfilling one's full potential, exists on a spectrum.

The uber-driven-let-me-try-all-the-new-self-development-techniques Tim Ferrises of the world are on one end, and the I'm-pretty-content-with-where-I-am-let-me-kick-back-and-eat-some-honey Winnie the Poohs are on the other.
 

One approach to life is not inherently better than the other, but through my work as a matchmaker I have found that aligning the degree to which two people want to self-improve optimizes the potential for longterm compatibility.

Every person falls on a different place within the spectrum of self-actualization, and personal development is just that — a personal journey. But if two people are too incongruous in terms of their their desire to self improve, the future of the relationship is tenuous.

They could have the most incendiary chemistry on the block, but if one person is waking up at five every morning to train for a marathon and the other is content to stay in their comfortable job in their pleasant town for the rest of their lives, it's unlikely that the relationship will last without some sort of resentment breeding.   

Matchmaker Sophy Singer:
 

Through work with many different clients (all with varying sets of match preferences), I have picked up on certain indicators a relationship will not make it for the long-haul. 

The Church/Temple/Mosque/Synagogue Regular vs. The Hardcore Atheist.

It's nearly impossible to 'agree to disagree' on fundamental belief systems. It's even harder to achieve if kiddos are part of the plan. In that vein...
 

A two-seater convertible vs. the minivan

One person wants a family and loves kids, while the other says, "Not for me."  If you have a deep, ingrained desire to have a family of your own, it's a mistake to think that desire will go away in your mind or heart. Do not assume you can change your partner's mind over time — especially if he/she has clearly stated children are a no-go.

Social butterfly vs. Stay-at-home Sally

I agree with Rémy on this point. There's a rom-com about this topic called I Love You, Man.  At first it may not seem like a major issue, but over time, the disparity between two people's ability and desire to have close relationships with others, does take its toll. It can create a lot of pressure on one person to provide the other person's "everything" socially. This scenario easily breeds codependence and resentment.

Matchmaker Kimia Mansoor:
 

Too many compatible qualities!

Having everything in common is too much of a good thing.
 

Many people think that having shared interests means you've found your soulmate. Some dating apps even use mutually liked pages as a way of connecting people. When you have everything in common with your partner, you’ll find yourself without any time apart and without anything to contribute to one another's lives. A balance of common and separate interests is ideal, as having some separateness from your partner is essential to building a long-lasting bond. 

Tasmanian Devil vs. Eeyore

Have you ever examined your fighting patterns with your partner? Are you always left feeling the same way? When one partner copes with relationship stress by becoming outwardly angry or aggressive and the other partner copes by turning inward and feeling deeply saddened, it’s time to seek professional help or break-up. Sometimes relationships don’t start like this, but tension grows as issues get pushed under the rug. Situations like this can drain all of your energy and also have the potential to turn abusive.

Matchmaker Inayah Vanessa agrees with Kimia:
 

Fight vs. Flight

Humans have a profound ability to make anything work if it's important enough to them, but I think that communication style, particularly when it comes to fighting is important to consider. No one wants to think about it while they're in the throes of pure new love bliss, but how a person handles conflict and more importantly if it jibes with your own, can make or break a relationship.

Some people tend to explode, yelling, screaming, throwing things, etc. when they're upset. Others tend to stay in control of their emotions and prefer to rationally discuss a problem.

A wildly passionate person may see a reserved person as cold, while a calm person may see an emotionally excitable one as reckless.
 

Extreme differences make it difficult to get to the core of the conflict and resolve the argument without incurring a lot of strain and collateral emotional damage in the process. 

Lindsay Tucker, Relationship Writer and Personal Dating Concierge:
 

Sexuality is a big deal in romantic relationships.
 

If your sexual appetites don't match up, eventually the relationship will suffer. You'll be dealing with resentment on both sides, and there's a chance one or both partners may seek sex outside of the relationship.

What the Trump?!
 

In today's political climate, people on opposite sides of the political spectrum don't stand much of a chance. Many of my clients tell me right away they won't even consider dating a Trump supporter. The current administration is so polarizing that relationship therapists are overwhelmed by the amount of Trump-related therapy sessions they're privy to. Values are too important for most people to compromise. 

Melody Kiersz, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:
 

There are some obvious ones, like not wanting the same things in life — i.e. if one person wants kids and the other doesn't and both are absolutely sure that won't change, success is highly unlikely because one would have to be forced to be someone they aren't.

Same with lifestyle choices in terms of travel or location or relationship-style (monogamous vs polyamorous, for example). Other incompatibilities are in terms of values — someone who prizes honesty is unlikely to be happy with someone who is always lying, for example.

Another example of a value misalignment — someone who is committed to 'doing good,' with a social justice mindset will probably not be happy long term with someone who is hyper-materialistic (unless they also have an altruistic side as well).

In my view, the most important things for longer-term success are:

• The level of commitment to the relationship is equal. 
• Both partners want similar things in life and share top values.
• Mutual attraction and curiosity about the other on which to build.
• Both partners are willing to learn the communication skills required to ensure healthy conflict resolution. 

Caitlin D'Aprano, Matchmaker + CEO & Founder of Willpowered Woman (for the promotion and growth of healthy dating relationships):
 

These are compatibility questions I believe every person should consider when dating someone new.

1. Do they have similar life goals?
   This points to the question of whether you will work to build a life together.
    
2. Are the every day things that are important to you, important to them?
   For example employment, financial stability, kindness etc.
    
3. Are they reliable, does what they say match what they do?
   Actions always speak louder than words.
    
4. Are they able to set boundaries and are they able to respect yours?
   This points to the fundamental workings of a successful relationship. 
    
5. Can they take feedback and apologize when they make a mistake?
   This points to the way disagreements will be solved in the future — all relationships have conflict, it's how you deal with them that matters. I could go on, but I will stop there!

Meg McCabe, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and founder of Baby Got Back:
 

I agree with Sophy and Melody — different long-term goals create trouble in relationships sooner or later. If you’re seeking a relationship to eventually get married and have a family, it is in your best interest to make this clear from the start.

If your partner does not have the same goals, or is even on the fence about it, your options are to:

1. Readjust your goals, or...
2. Start dating again to find a partner whose goals align with yours.

Some individuals hope their partner will change their mind one day, but there's no guarantee. Pressuring your partner to change their personal long term goals leads to frustration, stress and resentment (plus it's not fair or realistic). Don't do it!

Level of emotional availability

It doesn’t matter how much you and your partner click on a physical, emotional, spiritual or intellectual level.

Heck, it doesn’t even matter if the two of you are in love!
 

If your partner is not emotionally available, the partnership is doomed. When a person is emotionally unavailable, they're less reliable, less committed and difficult to read. When someone shows signs of emotional unavailability, proceed with caution — you are at risk of being strung along.

Money Matters

Financial mismatch is not so much about income disparity, as it is about each partner's beliefs and habits with money.
 

Having varied financial standards is OK, but conflict does arise when these differences are extreme. For instance, if one partner enjoys spending money on luxurious vacations and material goods and the other is savings-oriented, or even stingy, expect trouble.

Relationships that turn into a constant “dollar for dollar” or IOU game tend to draw a pretty strong line in the sand when it comes to trust and generosity.

I encourage couples to be open about their financial situations from the start, and be aware of their own personal comfort zones (and boundaries).

Money issues (whether consciously or unconsciously) are connected to our most basic fears related to survival, security and control — which naturally have the power to severely impact the well-being of our relationships.

Date planning shouldn't fit into a dreary box! There are limitless options from museum outings, to music festivals to spa days. That said, the good ole' dinner date is likely here to stay... and while meal-after-meal can begin to feel monotonous, a carefully selected venue makes all the difference. We asked the experts — what are the secrets of the most romantic restaurants? 

Gaby Aratow, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify: 

• Good lighting 
• Charming decor

Not too quiet but no blaring music, which kills the mood faster than you can shout, "What did you just say?!"

Candice Cain, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, agrees that lighting is essential:

Lighting absolutely sets the mood for a romantic date. I browse photos of the restaurant — if it looks either too bright or too dark, it’s a no-go. Restaurants with some sort of light source on the table, such as a candle or a tiny lamp are best.

Marina Brenner, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

Romantic restaurants possess the right mix of energy, general ambience and good lighting! I seek out places for my clients where reviewers report popularity, but also that the restaurant is quiet enough to carry-on an intimate conversation.

In terms of ambience, I love wine bars and cocktail lounges for their relaxed vibe, the ability to easily share dishes and small plates — olives, cheese platters etc., and kick back in comfy chairs or couches. And, of course, the right lighting (as my colleagues have also reported) — I adore places with dim lighting, or better yet, candlelight — for that dreamy and ethereal quality.

Kimia Mansoor, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify: 

My secret? Side by side seating!
 

Sitting next to your date allows for those sultry side smiles and possibly even a little physical touch (if the mood is right), perfect for firing sparks!

Joanna Mandell, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, says it's all about cozy and cocktail:

My romantic restaurant equation:

Cozy (with a fire) + dim lighting + not too noisy + couches = the most romantic.

If no fireplace, a set of corner seats at a well equipped bar served by a great bartender will absolutely do the trick. If you run out of things to say, the bartender can fill-in the silence. I also prefer less food on the first date (small plates are best). Best to avoid toothpicks and food-in-the-teeth, both of which are not romance friendly. 

Remy Boyd, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

Establishing an intellectual and emotional connection through conversation is the objective of most first dates. Naturally, the restaurant has the power to make or break the achievement of that goal. Restaurant choice might be as important as the match itself! Besides a variety of cuisine (that both parties will enjoy), key factors that I consider are ambiance, service and whether those factors impede or facilitate connection. 

Ambiance includes everything from restaurant layout to lighting, table size(s) and settings, music (genre and volume), decor and location. These are the elements that set the tone for the date. They should support the service and kindle the connection daters hope to make.

Good service adds to the romantic vibe exponentially! Timely wait staff trained with an intimate knowledge of the menu, in addition to making a couple feel cared for, boost the memorability factor! If the food and drinks are pleasing to the senses, it's like icing on the cake.

Ngoc Tran, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

Going against the grain here, but I don't typically choose restaurants for first dates unless the client insists.
 

I've noticed a segregation by age group — clients 45+ tend to prefer dinners, as they are able to smooth over initial awkward small talk, while younger clients abhor the thought of being "stuck" for hours over dinner with a possible bad date (hehe)!

I believe the best first dates are planned to distract and educate — less sitting across the table from each other, forced into small talk, and more gradual interaction.
 

My favorite date spots are tastings — think: winery, brewery, cidery, distillery, chocolates, bakeries, you name it! These active venues give daters the opportunity to learn something new and set a basis of conversation.

If they can connect positively on a new, common topic, this greases the wheel for further, deeper and more personal information sharing and conversation. The amount of alcohol served is not enough to impair anyone which is a plus and who doesn't appreciate a little of bit alcohol to dampen first date jitters, anyway!?

Melody Kiersz, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

What's romantic for one person might differ entirely from what's romantic for another — so my client's personality is the top deciding factor when choosing date venues.
 

Some clients like something more upscale while others prefer a more laid-back option. Regardless, there are a few components that apply no matter what. Such as, the decor and ambiance — dimmer lighting, sensual and elegant colors and textures, and background music that sets the stage. Also critical, the place must be quiet enough so two people can connect in conversation. Unobtrusive service that makes them feel taken care of and relaxed is also essential. 

Kate O'Connor, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

As some of my colleagues have also expressed, romance is different for everyone. Some people feel uncomfortable dressing-up for dates while others insist upon it.

Personality rules the venue decision-making process.
 

For laid back daters, opt for a less flashy venue — something like drinks at a local brewery or vineyard. You don't have to get too dressy and no one is in a hurry. It's the perfect relaxing, low pressure environment.

If you are full of pizazz and flash, opt for a sexy place! I'm talking dimmed lights, good music, sexy drinks, and pretty presentation. I love sending my clients to rooftop bars overlooking the city or to off-the-beaten track speakeasies. 

Kathleen Dolan, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, reminds us that logistics matter...
 

When prospecting potential locations, I ask myself a series of questions:

Will both parties be comfortable here? For example, is it a long drive? Is there convenient parking? is it in a "safe" area? There's nothing worse than arriving tired from a long ride, frustrated from challenging or expensive parking or from having to grab a can of mace to kill the romance.

What do others think? I read the reviews and focus on the quality of service. Constant interruption by under-achieving or over-eager service staff can ruin the romantic vibes. 

What does it look like inside? Outdoor views are fantastic for romance. Waterside or mountain-view settings provide fuel for the flames! Also, cleverly designed floor plans that enable clients to escape to a private setting are ideal. The privacy permits a little more "closeness" to connect.

Brigitte Weil, Matchmaker at Tawkify and author of Heartalytics column Eat Date Love:

The key? I only send clients to venues that I would also arrange a date for myself. My go-to favorites focus on sound level, physical space, and lighting. The noise level needs to be reasonable. There is nothing worse than not hearing what your date is saying — especially on a first date when both parties need to listen carefully to establish connection. 

My clients are concentrated in NYC (as am I), so I typically choose a venue from my go-to bar/restaurant list where I also know the table numbers and can request my favorites.

A 'good table' is vital.
 

The best tables are always in the corner, where two people can be in close proximity to lean-in and express interest. This creates a sense of warmth, comfort, and feels less like of a business meeting. Subtle, soft lighting is also preferred and most kind. There's nothing worse than vivid attention called to the lettuce leaf stuck in your front teeth!

Alyssa Bunn, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

True romance is felt through all five senses. When selecting a venue, I often pick a location based on the following qualities.

Sight — A venue should complement the personality traits of both people meeting. I select venues based on common interests, style, and ambiance. Universally, venues should be naturally lit for daytime, and soft and warmly lit for evening. Open and airy spots work best, and be sure to check out the seating arrangement if you choose the restaurant. Communal and bar seating is popular in trendy restaurants, but private tables with space lend way to a more comfortable setting to get to know one another.

Touch and Feel — Venues should feel native to both you and your date. Whether it's nearby their home or work, convenient for the both of you, or just a place your date already enjoys or would like to try. Enjoying the space you are in and feeling comfortable in it will make both of you feel relaxed and more apt to be yourselves. Even more so, check the venue's reviews, especially if you are going to a service-oriented place, like a restaurant or museum. The quality of the hospitality can impact the overall impressions made of each other.

Be sure you confirm your date's dietary restrictions before the date.
 

Taste — Are they vegan, celiac, or a non-drinker? Having an understanding of your date's diet will make them feel heard and respected, plus you'll prove how thoughtful you are before the date even begins!

Sound — If the date is inside, I chose an atmosphere with melodic tunes. Music impacts our emotions, which in turn impacts mood. If the date is outside, I chose an area where nature can be heard, which allows people to connect with greater ease. 

Smell — Smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, so select accordingly (this includes what you've sprayed on yourself!). Personally, I do not recommend heavy perfume or cologne. Make sure to check for fresh breath as well!

Research indicates we have 60-seconds to make a first impression, but recent studies show we may have even less time than that! Control the senses, and set your odds for success!

Tania Abramova, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

When selecting a restaurant, I consider three things — type of food, ambiance, and popularity. While it's difficult to account for people's varying culinary tastes, I've found that a restaurant with many options, including a wide selection of appetizers or small plates, is ideal.

Committing to a full meal can make the meeting feel too formal or set financial expectations that some are uncomfortable with for a first date.
 

Sharing an appetizer or tapas is intimate, easier on the wallet, and a fun collaborative activity. Another reminder for big city dwellers —  most popular/well-rated restaurants are often super busy. Being in a space that's crowded and loud makes it difficult to connect with someone you've never met before. I opt for more low-key options that give daters a chance to have a real conversation without yelling over other patrons (or the music). 

Jennifer Magana, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify:

When I am curating a first-date, I am very intentional. It's my job to create a unique experience. People remember how you made them feel... and we all know that they way to a person's heart is through their belly! So what venues make the cut? My romantic restaurant checklist:

• Unique
• Hidden gem
• Owner has a great story
• Location has top-tier ambiance
• Food crafted from the heart
• Establishment takes pride and care in customer's needs/experience

I run through that list and if a place checks all my boxes, it's a hit! I research unique restaurants with amazing food, delectable treats and drinks. The best spots I've found have been compiled into a go-to list.

Some of the matchmakers you've heard from here were also interviewed by NCR Corporation on this topic! Read more here. 

If you're a little late to the party and aren't familiar with the year-end Heartalytics survey, here's the scoop...

Our Editor put together a survey the first week of the New Year to check-in with the Heartalytics readership. We specifically wanted to know what type of content you'd like to hear of and how often you'd like to receive new Heartalytics articles (every week, twice a month, or once a month). 

We also used this survey to gauge interest in a newly pitched Heartalytics column entitled, Single Spotlight. In this column our Editor will interview and feature a different eligible single every month about their lives and thoughts on dating. It is our hope these features will help our readership connect with each other, the greater single community, and also highlight each interviewees alluring qualities!

We are happy to report the response to this initiative was overwhelming! We received over 200 'yes, I'd like to learn more about that' responses to the new column.

This is our official announcement that the first Single Spotlight will hit Heartalytics at the end of March!
 

If you've already submitted your information to be considered, thank you! Our editor will use a random contest winner picker tool to select each month's lucky single. If you are selected, you will be directly contacted. 

If you'd like to throw your name into the mix, submit your information, here. 

OK, on to other business!

How often would you like to receive Heartalytics?
 

This was the opening question to the year-end survey, and the results were too close to call. We are giving our readers another chance to speak-up and break the tie in a quick 1-question survey. Whose side are you on?

Last order of business — we'd like to share what desired topics reigned supreme from the year-end survey.  

We're thrilled to learn you enjoy 'dating tips in general' as that's our bread and butter! Second most selected topic, 'from the male perspective' is noted, along with 'about matchmaking from behind the scenes.'

What are we doing about it?

New column, Guy Tawk, launched in January (yay!), We aim to have more content directly from male experts and readers in 2018 (including via Single Spotlight). This preference was originally voiced from a specific male reader last Spring and it's clear the survey results reinforce that feedback.

Since hearing from that reader, we've only published articles on Heartalytics that have been written to speak to all — men and women. When article topics are more female-leaning (i.e. Meet Your Match: The Ideal Date Look), the article presents supplemental male viewpoint as well. 

A new column about the ins-and-outs of matchmaking is also on the horizon — keep your eyes peeled for that. We are excited to share more about the matchmaking process with all of you!

We also have more on the horizon for our LGTBQ readers — don't miss the launch of the new queer dating column, written by Cosmo Christensen!

Submit any questions and/or comments via the ask page to weigh-on on these results.

Don't forget to cast your vote on how often you'd like to receive new Heartalytics articles — we will only be running the tie-breaker for two weeks. 

Date on!

Your Heartalytics Team

Katie K. asked: "I'm a single mom of three young children. Dating is obviously challenging, but feels even more so as a parent. Any tips?"

Rest Your Weary Heart, Katie: If there's one thing single parents don't have enough of, it's time.

Because time on a date is time spent away from your three precious children, countless emails, the 'I'm just going for milk' trip(s) to Target, and let's get real — your bed.

I get it, you're so tired that you don't know if you want love or a solid REM cycle, but the good news is — time is the great equalizer. We all have 24 hours.

For you, my dear, successful dating comes down to creating efficiencies.

Since you're clearly a fan of threes, let's keep the advice as simple as that:

1. Plan ahead.
   
   Make sure you have a dependable babysitter on hand — one that won't flake and doesn't mind staying late if the date goes well (kudos for actual babysitting; not just turning on the tube).
   
   Research shows that novelty releases our 'feel good' chemicals and even helps improve our memory. Treat yourself to an evening meeting someone new, somewhere new in order to reap the benefits and put time back on your clock. Hiring a sitter that you trust keeps your mind off of what's going on at home, and in-the-moment (or in your date's dreamy baby blues).
   
   Maternal Instincts offers a variety of services from night nannies to family support; coincidentally they're running a 'win a date night on us' promotion, which is darling! I've also heard great things about the caregiving team from Care.com.
   

2. Play the right role.
   
   You're a mother at home, but a maiden on a date. Wear an outfit that makes you feel like Beyoncé (or whatever exemplar inspires you), be present and positive (i.e. the lost art of being human), and as a rule of thumb — no talking about the past (that includes anything about divorce, custody, or your ex).
   

3. Gridlock guilt.
   
   You already know that being a single parent isn’t for the faint of heart, but you’re doing it anyway. So, whether you're feeling guilty about being away from your children or bringing someone new into your children's lives, understand that you deserve love and — perhaps most important — you will love again. Men dig women with purpose (that goes both ways), and mothers (and fathers) serve the most important purpose in the world.

And then, of course, you can always hire help! Look into using your own personal matchmaker. At Tawkify, many clients come to us with these same challenges. A matchmaker saves you time, lets you focus on your children, your career, and helps restore magic in dating — without all the chaos.

If our particular approach isn't what you're looking for, there are likely plenty of dating agencies in your city to select from. 

Date on!

Alyssa Bunn
Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify and Founder of Love & Co

I'd love to hear from other single parents.

What are your secrets to dating success? How do you create balance while juggling family, work, and the pursuit of romance? Join the conversation below.

Ask Aly, advice column by Professional Matchmaker Alyssa Bunn, tackles your vexing love-life questions.  

Alyssa marries research alongside cultural commentary to deliver insights that are compassionate, irreverent, and perhaps best of all: real. Buckle up and get ready to meet your new wing-woman.

Among many great things, including my birthday, February is the month of romance! Although it started as a less-than-romantic ritual in the Catholic branch of Christianity — fertility rites, wine filled soirees and hook-ups aside — the romanticism of the day is based more in literary history than in facts.

Nonetheless, Saint Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love that essentially encompasses many of the same activities. But for many, the lack of companionship, makes it a tough day to get through. Love, the most powerful of emotions, should be celebrated every day. However, Valentine’s Day puts extra pressure on even the most demonstrative romantic partners.  

I know many of you don’t even want to think about Valentine’s Day, but in lieu of avoiding it, I suggest embracing it — because the truth is, you have yourself and that's pretty great! Give the best of yourself to others (what a gift that is!). Whether you’re in a committed relationship, dating or single, each year...

...Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show how inspired you are by love.

Allow the intent of the day to move you to be the Valentine you always wanted. So, how do you feel (and share) the love without thinking about the ‘lack’ in your life? Consider the following:

Be a secret admirer

There is no better feeling than to make someone smile and feel special. I’m sure at least once in your life you’ve received a small gift, a sweet note or kind gesture from an office pal or friend. Try gifting small tokens of appreciation to your staff, colleagues or members of your favorite organizations. It’s as easy as buying a bag of candy and leaving a few on someone’s desk or at a neighbor’s door. It’s especially fun if they don’t know it’s from you. A little love goes a long way!

Give love to those who love you

Parents, siblings, best friends, or people who generally show support when you need it most, need love too. Surprise them with something special, like flowers for Mom, family dinner, tickets to the movies or a new sweater for their pet! Volunteer to be a loved one’s Valentine. Seeing their reaction will be worth the effort and make you forget about any Valentine's blues.

Go on that date!

Do you avoid scheduling dates on Valentine’s Day? Is it because you’d be meeting the person for the first or second time and you don’t want to send the wrong message? There is no hard rule for navigating this. Why not consider going on the date? It doesn’t have to be dinner. It can be drinks, coffee and dessert or even a group date where you both bring along a single friend. If the stigma of being alone really irks you, try something new and see what happens!

Show your good side

All couples have ups and downs. Sometimes holidays, especially Valentine’s Day, layers added pressure on a difficult situation. Let this be an opportunity to show how much you love them. If you’re going through a tough time, it may feel forced, but if you consider all the positive reasons why you love them and choose to be in a relationship, it's a win-win! If necessary, schedule time for dinner, play a fun and sexy game or simply have a heart-to-heart conversation. No matter the status of your relationship, there is no better day to reconnect and strengthen the bond you share.

Love yourself

Of course, this is something you should do every day of your life. But if you’re single on Valentine’s Day, give yourself a little extra something! Book a massage, order takeout, or indulge in a dessert that you really enjoy. Naturally, this holiday is a good time for reflection — count your blessings and practice gratitude. If you didn’t get one started for the New Year, buy a journal and declare that this time next year you will be in a loving and supportive relationship. Think love towards yourself and watch it manifest throughout the year. This Valentine’s Day is best day to start!

(In) The Spirit of Love,

Rémy Boyd

Dating is no walk in the park! What do you wear? What shade of lipstick reads classy and what says sassy? To cut through the confusion just in time for Valentine's Day, ABLE Cosmetics sat down with Professional makeup artist and Matchmaker at Tawkify, Lauren Urasek — who is naturally every girl's best friend. 

Gents! Before you check-out... we want to hear from you!

Scroll down to hear what other men have to say and weigh-in via the comments section to share your favorite first date looks (for the ladies & yourselves)!
 

Q: These days, the dating game has completely changed. First impressions aren’t always made in person. You may come across your Prince or Princess Charming while swiping left and right. With that being said – how do you take a great profile picture? What are some good makeup techniques and looks to aim for while striking a pose?

A: Lighting is everything. Natural light is easiest and usually looks the best! Whenever you’re taking a picture, the light should be IN FRONT of you. Not behind you or coming from above – any other direction besides in front of you will cast unflattering shadows. As far as makeup, I encourage everyone to be themselves. Whether natural makeup is your thing or you regularly wear thick black eyeliner and a red lip, you should stick to how you feel comfortable. I love to play up my eyes and especially for photos, slick black liner with a slight wing really makes your eyes pop on camera! Whatever look you choose, make sure your complexion is evened out, you define your features, your lips are moisturized and brows are brushed!

Q: The time has come to meet IRL (in real life) and you have the perfect “I didn’t try” outfit picked out. What is the best makeup look for a first date?

A: I can’t pick just one look as the perfect first date look. However I think it is important to play up your favorite features. If you love your eyes – play up your eyes! If you love your lips – play up your lips! Confidence is key, especially on a first date. Personally, I like to keep things natural by using warm brown tones on my eyes, a thin cat eye, glowing skin and a nude lip!

Q: What is the biggest makeup DON’T for a date?

A: I would suggest not trying anything new on a first date. If you have a go-to look that screams you. Definitely stick with that! The last thing you want is to be uncomfortable or worried about what you look like. You want to be saying to yourself “I really like this person” and not “Is my mascara running down my face?”

Q: Coffee date, brunch date, movie date, concert date, dinner date or just drinks – the options are limitless! Can you recommend one beauty look that is a safe go-to universally for any date that may pop up?

A:  You can’t go wrong with beautiful skin (using a lighter foundation or tinted moisturizer), a bronzed or soft pink cheek, brushed brows, warm buffed out shadows and a super thin brown or black liner on your eyes, mascara, and a neutral lip color!
 

WHAT THE GUYS HAVE TO SAY
 

“I would rather see you, not your makeup. Keep it clean and classic”

– Garrett

“It’s nice when a girl does her makeup. Maybe a little cat eye or something minimal. It says that a girl cares about how she looks when coming to meet.”

– John

“Subtle makeup makes me focus on one of the best features of a woman, her eyes.”

– Steve

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Use special code TAWKIFYxABLE for 20% off any ABLE Cosmetics purchase. Happy Valentine's Day kittens! 

Exciting news, folks. The pioneers of dating lingo have decreed: not only can you be cheated on, you can also be micro cheated on. (Macro-cheating is expected to emerge next year, and it’s going to be YUGE).  

So what is micro-cheating, and why do we need a term to articulate it now, specifically?  

Similar to an “emotional affair,” micro-cheating is a nebulous purgatory that is difficult to delineate. Essentially, micro-cheating is when someone treads the line of what is permissible in their extra-relational conduct, but doesn’t quite cross it. Or, to quote Urban Dictionary, “when someone cheats on a partner, but just a little bit.” 

"Micro-cheating is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship,” clarifies Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling.

Examples of micro-cheating include regularly reaching out to an ex online, lying about or neglecting to mention your relationship status to a person of interest, posting heart emojis (or the formidable eggplant emoji) on this person’s photos, or not deleting, and still perusing, dating apps while you’re in a relationship.

Opinions on what qualifies of micro-cheating vary. Per a Thought Catalog piece on the topic, they range from the reasonable (when your boyfriend saves a girl’s contact under a different name “to avoid detection when she calls”), to the questionably controlling (when your boyfriend “goes out of his way to do something nice for someone who’s not his girlfriend, like hook her up with tickets to a concert”), to the I-could-write-a-thesis-about-why-this-is-so-messed-up (when your girlfriend dresses “super sexy on a totally random morning specifically because she feels like being elevator-eyed and/or catcalled"). 

At the core of micro-cheating is knowingly flirting in secrecy. And while many disagree on what counts as such, there is a general consensus around one thing: social media and other forms of technological communication facilitate the kind of secret flirting that has made the term “micro-cheating” something worth writing an article about (versus the kind of secret flirting many people in relationships have been doing since basically the beginning of time).

Which begs the question: is micro-cheating a uniquely millennial problem?
 

Is the heart eye emoji the gateway drug to cheating? The immediate accessibility of our full romantic roster—past, prospective and fantasy—certainly keeps other options on our radar and makes a kind of micro-stepping-out much easier than it would have been pre-social media, when a greater degree of intentionality was necessary. What’s a passive double tap as opposed to actively working up the nerve to hit on someone at Barnes & Noble (#rip)?  

The conundrum is that social media and digital communication etiquette is always evolving, and the script for how to interact online with attractive people outside of your relationship is not as clear as it is IRL. People cross lines online and offline, and it sucks. Secrecy is a relationship killer, and it is never cool to compromise trust in a relationship.

What's also not cool, though, is micro-managing your partner, taking issue with them having close friendships and emotional attachments outside of your relationship—policing how, when and for whom they dress, and vigilantly hounding for clues that your partner is “micro-cheating.”

All of which is to say, micromanaging is just as threatening to a relationship as micro-cheating.
 

The inconvenient truth is, you are not the only attractive person in this world. (But like, you’re still a total babe.) You are also not the only person with whom your partner could be or has been romantically compatible. What’s more, you are not the only person your partner shares emotional intimacy with, nor should you be.

Yes, there are a multitude of new options, and a Google search of Johnny Depp scowling in a desert is just a tap of your girlfriend’s finger away. The important thing is that your partner is choosing you, and continues to choose you, again and again. People who search for micro-hints of micro-cheating are liable to drive people away, and probably won’t handle the fluctuations of long term relationships well in the future.

Every healthy relationship has boundaries. The appropriate nature of extra-relational behavior will vary pair to pair, and is best established through honest communication. If you are offended that your girlfriend likes every picture on the Hot Dudes and Hummus Instagram account or that she checks in with her ex-boyfriend from time to time to see how his mom is doing, or that she cracks a phallic joke with the shawarma guy, talk to her about it.

There is no blanket concept of relationship morality beyond what you agree together.   
 

So, perhaps consider reserving the eggplant emoji for your main squeeze. Be upfront with attractive strangers about your relationship status. Be honest. Don’t cross lines you know aren’t cool to cross.  

But also, perhaps consider the option of getting over yourself. Consider accepting that your partner has a romantic history, that other people might find them attractive and vice versa, and that there are other people in their life with whom they are emotionally close. Consider that, somewhere in New Mexico, Johnny Depp is furrowing his brow as he fondles his collection of meaningful bracelets no doubt bestowed upon him by a Tibetan monk, and that, despite all this hotness, your partner is still choosing you.

Cora's gift for the written word has landed her a spot among the voices of Urban Daddy, where she has penned articles on cuffing season and on the controversial trend of dating resumés.

New Heartalytics column by Rémy Boyd, (In) The Spirit of Love, delves into the role spirituality and faith play in our quest to find, give and receive love. (In) The Spirit of Love is where mind, body, spirit and love intersect!

All right, I know, you’ve heard it before. People have told you in various ways and for various reasons to “just have faith.” Faith in yourself, faith in your goals… faith to live your dreams or find “the one.” Countless songs, books and movies are centered on the concept of faith.

Faith, by definition requires confidence and/or trust coupled with a belief that an outcome will occur in your favor. Believe it or not, faith pops up in most areas of daily life. There are some things we instinctually have faith in — like gravity! But when it comes to relationships, how is faith involved?

Of course, faith plays a large role in religious and spiritual beliefs, however this confidence or ‘knowing’ can stand on its own. You don’t have to believe in God or a higher power to have faith in your ability to find love and take the steps necessary to move closer to the partnership you want. In fact, faith can help move you towards accomplishing that goal faster. How?
 

1. FAITH FUELS INTENTION

At the beginning of every New Year we all talk about resolutions. Resolutions require setting goals, which hopefully, you stick to long enough to break a habit or make a lasting lifestyle change. To set an intention is different than setting a goal. Intention implies a deeper level of thought based on our inner most wants and desires.

Faith fuels the intention to set a goal and acts as the glue to connect your action to completing that goal.

If your goal is to establish a loving relationship, your intent involves what that relationship means to you and having faith in the effort solidifies the action to move forward.  
 

2. FAITH BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO YOURSELF

The first question singles are typically asked: What do you want? All the time I wonder, “how do you know what you really want, if you don’t know who you are?” So, the question becomes, who are you? Naturally, the answer to this question answers the first.

Faith in yourself is confidence.

Knowing what you need, what you want, who you are... these things frame the search — leading to love. Search out the answer to these questions, believe in what you find. From this perspective, intent and goals become clear. 
 

3. FAITH HELPS YOU GROW

Let’s face it, many of us carry issues from past relationships into current efforts to find love. Those "leftovers" get in the way! The constructive lessons learned from past relationships can be difficult to implement, especially when we cling to the destructive ones.

Faith helps pick-up the worthwhile lessons and move forward without fear or resentment from the past. There has to be room to let someone new into your life without anger, pain or projecting fears onto them. Every experience provides valuable tools to bring along on new journeys in love, use those and discard the rest. The best way to utilize faith is to trust the process and create a fresh space in your heart, that hasn't yet been occupied.
 

4. FAITH GIVES YOU COURAGE

How many times have you messaged someone on a dating app and received radio silence on the other end? How often do you have a great first date and a second doesn't transpire? Perhaps these types of bumps in the road lead to those icky, why do I even try, is there something wrong with me lamentations. Ask Polly has you covered — "There is nothing wrong with you outside of your fixation on what's wrong with you."

It takes time, opportunity and fortitude to date.

Dating is uncomfortable at times — especially when you're being sized-up, interrogated and/or rejected. Courage is required to meet new people, make a new friend, and to fall in love. Dating puts you in a vulnerable spot, but faith reminds us why we are making the effort in the first place. Faith says — this is tough, but I'm tougher.  
 

5. FAITH ALLOWS YOU TO APPRECIATE LOVE

When you have confidence in something, you don’t take it for granted. You enjoy unwavering trust, with ever-expanding appreciation. Whether you are on the sidelines contemplating ways to find love or ready to take the next step in a relationship, have faith that no matter the outcome, you will be triumphant. This mindset nurtures greater appreciation for the love you have, cherishing what has been brought into your life — for as long as it is there.

(In) The Spirit of Love,

Rémy Boyd

Breadcrumbing, ghosting, zombie-ing...what’s next, “vamping?” In modern dating, there are limitless ways to reject and be rejected, and no childhood fairy tale nor mythical creature is safe from losing its innocence.

Ghosting is when someone stops responding to you altogether without explanation; zombie-ing is when a ghost re-initiates contact, effectively rising from the dead. And breadcrumbing, á la Hansel and Gretel, is when someone has no intention of moving the relationship forward, but gives you just enough attention, via the occasional text or Instagram like, to keep you as an option for the occasional ego boost.

Of these passive forms of rejection, breadcrumbing is perhaps the most painful. Whereas when someone ghosts you, it’s fairly evident they're no longer into you, when someone breadcrumbs you, it can be confusing, frustrating, and a total time and energy suck.  

Breadcrumbing isn’t always intentionally cruel or even conscious.

If you’re in the trenches of modern dating, it’s likely you’ve been breadcrumbed, and it’s likely you have at least kind of breadcrumbed someone. Have you ever felt luke-warm on someone you’ve been on a few dates with and thrown him/her an occasional bone like meme or article, just to keep that door of opportunity slightly ajar? Yeah, me too. And have you ever been on the other side of this power dynamic? Yeah, it sucks.

Nothing’s fair in love and Tinder.

The thing is, it’s not always easy to tell if you’re being breadcrumbed. Maybe he really is busy. Maybe her dog really did just die. Maybe he really is kind of into you. Whatever the case, all roads lead to Rome: this person is not into you enough. Not being into you doesn’t make him/her a bad person. But it does make said person someone you don’t want to invest your energy and time in.  

It’s up to you to be discerning enough to protect your own time and dignity, and claim the whole damn loaf for yourself (asiago focaccia, please). Here’s what to do if you think you’re being breadcrumbed:

1. Suggest making concrete plans

If the breadcrumber hits you up out of the blue for a little flirt sesh, suggest making concrete plans to meet up. If he/she waffles (pun intended), makes an excuse, and doesn’t suggest an alternative plan, you are being breadcrumbed and it’s time for you to bid him/her a textual Bye.

2. Be real with yourself

It’s likely you know on some level you are being breadcrumbed and are just trying to convince yourself otherwise. Check yourself: are you making excuses for him/her? Have you created elaborate stories for yourself on why you haven’t seen this person in two months? The political climate! It’s Holiday Season! They are just so consumed developing that new app and it's definitely the next Postmates! Look inward, get real, and stop making excuses to protect your ego. You, my friend, are being breadcrumbed.  

3. Let go of the need for closure

The old lady in Titanic was probably foreshadowing breadcrumbing when she talked about waiting “for an absolution that would never come.” Sometimes we let breadcrumbers get away with making their proverbial mess for far longer than we should because we want answers. 

We want clarity, and we want a clean line rather than a muddied string of confusing and suggestive texts at three in the morning.

In order to walk away from the trail of crumbs, you have to accept the reality that you may never know exactly what is going through his/her mind. The bottom line is, if they wanted to see you, they would make it happen. And that’s all the closure you will need and get.

4. Be upfront 

If you think you’re being breadcrumbed, you could just ask straight up: do you see this going anywhere? He/she will either a) say yes and repent for his/her breadcrumbing ways, b) say no, or c) be so freaked out by the prospect of a relationship that you’ll never hear from them again. Either way, they’ll stop sowing their crumbs in your pasture. 

5. Just dip  

You may think that, because you’re not actually spending time with your breadcrumber, there’s no harm in keeping the flirtation going. But, as dating coach Matthew Hussey points out in reference to guys who put in “minimal possible investment,” you may not be spending time physically, but you are spending time mentally.

More likely than not, your breadcrumber is taking up space and attention, and holding you back from meeting prospects with more romantic potential for you.

Pull the plug!

On New Year, New Boo: Matchmaker Endorsed Resolutions, Marisha Dixon told us to...

Throw out the resolutions and try something new!

Focus on the feelings you'd like to experience in life versus listing out resolutions. 

For example, my four desired feelings this year are: clarity, fun, freedom and love. There are limitless ways to experience these feelings, but I can be more intentional about making sure they are incorporated into my life regularly. 

Shifting from resolutions to feelings in this manner have a number of benefits. Reflect on the energy experience simply by thinking of the word resolution...it creates tension and pressure — it develops a mindset that within you or your life there's a problem you must solve. I don't think that's a very uplifting perspective to live from. 

You transcend this by empowering yourself to choose feelings to nurture in your life. Then, the best part is actually participating in experiences and interacting with people who are aligned with those desired feelings. 

I believe this shift keeps life simple. It makes each day a pleasant surprise that you can enjoy instead of being wrapped up in the eventual achievement of a single resolution.

So, what are your feeling words to live by this 2018? I'd love to know.

We're halfway through the first month of the year and Marisha is back for more New Year inspiration — out with the old and in with the new, people!

Late Friday night, I took an unconventional approach to ringing in the New Year. I grabbed a few things to keep warm, snack-on and write with for a 48-hour silent meditation retreat in the desert. No access to any devices or WiFi. From dawn on Saturday, December 30th until New Year's morning, our little group of 20 sat, walked, ate and of course slept, in silence (except for those who snored). It was a one-of-a-kind experience! Here's what I discovered (and rediscovered)...

1. One size fits all is a senseless notion
   
   There's no point in aiming to live a life that reflects anyone else's standards but your own. Success (and happiness) look different from person to person.
   
   Deliberately choosing to spend time alone can be seen as a waste — too challenging or even undesirable. However, solitary time is key to achieve self-awareness and to determine who you are and also identify what values, interests and characteristics are a true reflection of your best life.
    
2. The good news about the bad news
   
   There is wisdom hiding within our mistakes! Almost every conflict one can face, has faced, and will face offer an opportunity to learn something new, to grow, and to be prepared for the next level of life. Mindfulness illuminates clues you'll need to keep going. Don't bemoan your mistakes, embrace them!
    
3. The answers are always within
   
   Mindfulness offers three man benefits: First, it calms us down and soothes anxiety. Second, mindfulness blocks out the distractions of our hyperconnected society.

Third, mindfulness sharpens both our creative and intuitive abilities. 

Everything that's meant for us is provided. However, it's difficult to be receptive when we're constantly tuned into external noise. Practice makes perfect in mindfulness just as in sports, studies, etc... Make this kind of thinking a habit and you will develop a life changing skill.

So many creative ideas were born while keeping mum out in the desert — stay tuned for more!

Marisha Dixon
Matchmaker + Executive Coach

Marisha is a Matchmaker and RelationSHIFT™ Coach on a mission to help you improve how you live, work, and love. If you're ready to rethink what's possible in love and life, sign up for her newsletter and tell a friend!

Sports have an interesting way of teaching us skills beyond the game. I've learned so many invaluable lessons during my time as an athlete. Many of which I've applied to my career, but many others I've realized lately (through meditation) that are invaluable to our romantic lives as well. In this video I share 5 ways basketball is a lot like dating and mating!

Here's the summary:

1. Find Your Rhythm (Practice)
2. Visualization
3. Learn From Your Losses
4. Build A Team
5. Have fun

Marisha is a Matchmaker and RelationSHIFT™ Coach on a mission to help you improve how you live, work, and love. If you're ready to rethink what's possible in love and life, sign up for her newsletter and tell a friend!

Subscribe to Marisha's channel where you can find more ways to improve the relationships that matter most to you! 
 

“There just wasn’t any chemistry.”

“I didn’t feel a spark.”

“No fireworks.”

When I started working as a matchmaker, I was sexist.

I assumed women were the ones to believe in love-at-first-sight. Shockingly, I have way more male clients who seem to fall for fate, expressing disinterest in second dates due to a lack of "chemistry." 

Come on, guys.

Let's think about first dates. You are meeting a stranger for the very first time, in a romantic setting. Pressure, much? You have to decide what to wear, how to style your hair and if you should wear cologne or not. Meanwhile, your date started getting ready at least 30 minutes before you did, and has to make a deluge of other decisions. Should she wear a skirt, pants or a dress? Heels or no? More makeup or less makeup? Hair-up or hair-down? She also has to outline her escape plan in case things get creepy (because, guys, we always have an exit route in mind on first dates, you never know!). To top it off, she’s probably wearing some sort of shaping underwear to exhibit the best possible figure, which also means she’s pretty uncomfortable.

Next, it’s time to get to the date. If you’re in a major city, you have to decide between taking a cab, the train or an Uber — all transportation methods in which punctuality depends on external factors. If you live in the suburbs or country, you have to worry about driving, traffic and parking. That’s a fresh batch of stress. Don’t even think about the added anxiety if something goes wrong along the way — causing you (or your date) to be late!

OK, you’ve finally made it to the date. With most matchmaking services, you don’t see a photo of (or speak to) your date before you get there. That in and of itself can cause the jitters! Next comes a flood of decisions-made and second-guessing: If I order the pork belly, will my date think I’m a pig? If I have another drink, will my date think I’m an alcoholic? Should I pick up the tab? There are so many choices to make, you can’t possibly focus on your date as a person. You likely aren’t even 100% yourself upon that first introduction.

It takes a while to warm up — if you warm up at all.

That’s my point, guys.

First dates are usually quite awkward. There is so much stress on both parties that true personality rarely shines through. Unless you have a knee-jerk “HELL NO” reaction to the person you just met, you should always give the second date a chance. To be clear — this isn’t about agreeing to a pity date, or anything to that effect. Second dates are an opportunity to actually see if there are indeed “fireworks” or “chemistry,” with less nervousness there to put out the sparks.  

Relevant here is the story of me and my husband, to whom I’ve been married for nearly thirteen years. We met on a dating website. I was five minutes late because I passed the turn to the restaurant — literally five minutes late. When I walked in, he wasn’t there. The hostess asked me if I was looking for someone, and I gave her the name for the reservation. I was horrified when she told me that he left. I turned to leave, and (luckily) he walked back in the door. I sheepishly followed him to our table, where he proceeded to interrogate me. (He’s a cop.) When we left the restaurant, I happened to have parked right next to him. He took a dozen roses out of his car, gruffly thrust them at me and thanked me for a nice evening. I felt NO chemistry — but I could see that he was genuinely a nice guy, so I went out with him a second time. Two children and nearly a decade and a half later, I’m glad I did.

You never know what introduction may lead to a relationship. If you’re matched up on a date by a matchmaker or a friend, there is a reason for it — they saw some sort of thread that would connect the two of you.

Going on a first date isn’t giving it a chance. Going on a second date is.

Candice Cain
Writer + Director + Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Learn more about Candice, here.

Professional Matchmaker, Candice Cain, thinks resources for men are often overlooked in the dating world. Through close work with male clients, Cain has crafted Guy Tawk — a column to provide single men with the coaching and advice they need and deserve. Welcome to Guy Tawk!

It's the final countdown to 2018...

Have you made any resolutions? Our Matchmakers have made a few, and some they've devised just for you! We asked our entire troop of couple-makers: What resolution(s) should singles consider for 2018?

Enjoy the winning resolutions — hand-picked for our clients, members and readers. Let us know which resolution speaks to you!
 

"Be actively aware of initial judgements."

After every date write down the very first thoughts you had about someone. Did those impressions change by the end of the date? Study the lens through which you see people and think about people. Are there any patterns? This is where the breakthrough for love happens.

Gaby Aratow, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

"Terminate all assumptions about what your date may be thinking or feeling."

Often our assumptions result directly from a past experience and not from the present moment. If you really want to know what someone is thinking or feeling, simply ask them — or enlist the help of a matchmaker to get to the bottom of it.

Holly McCusker, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Consider dating someone outside of your “norm.” Often times our dating patterns provide a roadmap to identify the changes we should make in the dating process. Those who are open to dating someone beyond a padlocked “type” or social expectation are more likely to find true connection.

Remy Boyd, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Many people fret over matters they cannot control, which clouds judgment and impedes capacity for trust and enjoyment. This year, I strive to reset and focus on what truly matters.

Happiness is a choice, I feel. The Serenity Prayer helps me choose happiness when events/people in life sadden, anger or frustrate me — especially when I cannot control or influence the situation.

The Serenity Prayer is the common name for a prayer written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971). The best-known form is:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

My version is:

I strive for serenity in my life, which comes from:
Acceptance of the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
Wisdom to know the difference.

Ngoc Tran, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

"Forget your story, write a new one."

We all have a story that we carry around with us. The story that tells us we need to feel or act a certain way because of things that happened to us, or tells us we aren’t good enough or aren’t love-able enough. We become tied to this story in ways that keep us from being open to change, open to love, or open in general. You are not your story. Moments in life come and go, they can shape us, but they don’t have to define us. 

Melissa Rogers, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

As opposed to "resolution, I prefer to promote the concept of intention. My intention for 2018 is to create such a level of energetic overflow that it reinforces and empowers those around me.

My wish for Tawkify clients in 2018:

"See each date as a mirror to learn about yourself. We all have blind-spots and patterns that we replicate in our interactions. Every date is an opportunity to explore tendencies." 

Julia Armet, Tawkify Director of Operations

Throw out the resolutions and try something new!

Focus on the feelings you'd like to experience in life versus listing out resolutions. 

For example, my four desired feelings this year are: clarity, fun, freedom and love. There are limitless ways to experience these feelings, but I can be more intentional about making sure they are incorporated into my life regularly. 

Shifting from resolutions to feelings in this manner have a number of benefits. Reflect on the energy experience simply by thinking of the word resolution...it creates tension and pressure — it develops a mindset that within you or your life there's a problem you must solve. I don't think that's a very uplifting perspective to live from. 

You transcend this by empowering yourself to choose feelings to nurture in your life. Then, the best part is actually participating in experiences and interacting with people who are aligned with those desired feelings. 

I believe this shift keeps life simple. It makes each day a pleasant surprise that you can enjoy instead of being wrapped up in the eventual achievement of a single resolution.

Marisha Dixon, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Choose one word for the year.

Whenever making a decision or assessing a situation, think to yourself: am I honoring said word?

For example, this past year, my word was "strong".  When I wondered whether I was making the right choice or in a healthy mindset, I would center myself and think, "Is this strong? Would this be strong? Am I being strong?" This way of thinking is fun and more open-ended, yet simultaneously focused. The word can take on varied meanings. Of course, I wasn't always able to honor that word, but instead of thinking I failed at fulfilling my resolution, I would be grateful for being mindful and then simply attempt to honor the word moving forward.

My word for 2018 is NEW.

Angie Lee, Director of Customer Success at Tawkify

Deliberately make space in your life for self-reflection and self-care. We get so involved in the journey/rat-race that "me" time often gets lost!

Nneya Richards, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Are you stuck in a routine? Same coffee from the same shop, same route to work, same conversations in the same attire. If so, make 2018 the Year of New!

Try a new way to work, choose a menu item you wouldn’t normally try or an outfit combo you haven’t worn before. By trying a new thing everyday (even if it seems small), we open ourselves up to new opportunities and experiences. This is the way to discovering more about oursevles and possibly someone special along the way! 

Dani Koval, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

In that same vein...

"Say yes!" 

When new experiences are offered to us, say yes! That is (of course) if it doesn't cause bodily harm. New experiences are how we expand and enrich our lives, and also learn the most about ourselves (even if we simply learn that we aren't particularly into something).

Singles should say "yes!" to matches outside of their traditional preferences/dating history more often. Chasing after the same type over-and-over likely hasn't worked. Be open to a matchmaker's suggestions. This is how we grow and learn while dating!

Brandon Schultz, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Slow down and take notice of the things missed by moving too fast, talking too much and posting too much. If we listen more, talk less, and spend more time disconnected from social media (especially when it replaces human contact), we may notice and act on things that can bring positive change to our lives.

Tawkify helps limit the time singles spend online searching for "the one" and free them up to focus on the real, physical world around them. This is a valuable benefit to our approach!

Tami Larson, Tawkify Member Services Expert

"Resolve to be confident, open minded and patient. The dating process is a journey of personal growth and insight, aided by meeting a variety of people."

Linda Curtin, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

"I've been single for the last 10 years, since the passing of my husband. A resolution I made for myself and would like to share with our readers is: Enjoy where you are until you get where you are going! This applies to many elements of life but can also be applied to the dating process. I think a lot of singles put too much focus on finding "the one" that they forget to enjoy the process/experiences until that happens. Life is short...so you may as well sit back and enjoy the ride until the destination is reached!"  

Christine White, Tawkify Member Services Expert

"Write in a journal every day. My best friend got me a book called "Instant Happy Journal," which encourages me to write a little something every day — and even gives me subject matter to write about. Writing helps put things in perspective. I believe the practice of keeping a daily journal is a terrific resolution for all. It's an especially effective tool for looking back to rediscover what you went through (and what you were feeling) throughout the year."

Candice Cain, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Related...

Start a "happy jar" this year with friends or family. Every day, anyone who is participating can jot down a quick thought to pop into the jar. Next New Year's Eve, you read them all together. For singles with children, this is a great way to include the whole family in a fun, uplifting resolution. 

Jocelyn Connolly, Tawkify Member Services Expert

Utilize the word "by" to reinforce your resolution(s)... i.e. I will lose weight by putting down the bagel, filling up on protein, fruits and vegetables and taking 10,000 steps a day. By is a call-to-action!

I recommend that Tawkify clients make dating a priority in 2018 by sticking to a more consistent schedule to help map and meet their goals. 

Maureen Getchell, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Streamline your life

My intention for 2018 is to make life easier. The goal is to streamline. It begins with the everyday and an analysis of how I spend my time. The question I ask: is this making my life easier? If not, I determine what changes can be made to create a routine and life that flows.

The intention I would like my clients to consider in 2018 would be to find love in everyone and everything. Love comes in many ways, not just romantic. I hope everyone has a great year ahead of them full of love, joy and peace!

Dorothy Stover, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Love every minute of your soul, and appreciate who is there to be on the journey with you. Share this beautiful human experience! Cheers to living authentically and feeling empowered for love and prepared for whatever life may throw your way. Wishing you all a healthy and bright year ahead! 

Natalia Murtaugh, Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify

Stop searching for "The One."

Drop whatever expectations you have for what "the one" is supposed to look like or be like. We tend to have a mental image of this perfect person in our heads, and that image guides the search. Shouldn't other more enduring factors guide the search? 

This applies to my fiancé and I. I'm so happy we got to know one another, built a friendship and took a chance. With open minds we were able to see how compatible we truly were. I'm forever grateful for that. So take a chance, you never know what will happen! 

Sevana Minassian, Tawkify Member Services Expert

I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I love the lights, the smell of cinnamon and pine, connecting with family and old friends, slowing down, taking well-deserved time away from the daily routine.

But...

I hate the explosion of holiday goodies that suddenly appear everywhere — the cookie platter at my hair salon, the chocolate towers at the front door, the eggnog that tastes too good, the parties with tiny innocent-looking but dangerous cocktail franks, the way too creamy artichoke dip, and of course, the same question I heard last year... 

“Why are you still single?”

I'm a food and dating coach, but I'm not immune to these same holiday struggles. Navigating the festivities while maintaining weight (and sanity) in the midst of well-meaning friends/relatives offering their prized relationship advice is not for the hot-tempered, or faint-hearted. 

Throughout the season of indulgence, these same well-meaning friends and family members may also encourage us to indulge — it's the holiday season, isn't it?! You can probably hear their pleas already:

“C’mon … just one bite won’t kill you!”

“But I made this especially for you!”

“You can lose weight (and look for a man/woman) after the holidays!”

Tough situations call for tough discipline, which is further challenged after a couple sips of eggnog. To guarantee we come through the season with peace, joy and ease, I came up with a strategy to quell even our most nudging loved-ones.

For the food pushers, use these three little words. They work like holiday magic!

“NO, THANK YOU.”

You might have murmured these three words in the past, but if you weren't convincing enough to stop that huge slice of pumpkin cheesecake from being shoved in your face, it's likely because you missed the most important element of effectiveness: your tone.

It's all in the delivery. These three words delivered firmly and decisively, will do the trick. The second key component is to add a big smile as you say, “No, thank you.”

Practice saying it again and again. You will get better at it, and don’t forget that smile.

Now, let's handle those relationship pushers.

Employ the same tone and smile in response to relationship pushers, and try saying: 

“I’m enjoying the holidays today and it’s so good to see you/I love your new haircut/did you catch that play on Broadway, etc..."

In short, re-route the pushers. 

Do not feel compelled to explain or justify your choices or current relationship status. Doing so removes boundaries, granting permission to the pushers to move-in, ask questions, and offer unsolicited advice.

As you perfect your new skills, you will become a master at gracefully refusing food and shifting relationship probing. You will walk away without guilt, regret, hard feelings, awkwardness, or discomfort. You'll get through the holidays with ease and confidence, so you can truly enjoy a wonderful, joyful, and peaceful season.

Eat Date Love, 

Brigitte Weil, Tawkify Matchmaker, Chef + Founder, I Hate Celery Sticks
For more information on Brigitte, click here. 

Are you a smooth talking turkey or a stiff-lipped Scrooge? Professional Matchmakers and dating experts weigh-in on how to charm even the most grumpy of Grinches!

Dating expert, Evyenia Trembois, speaks to this season's singles:

DO embrace the uniquely specific (okay, sometimes cheesy) events that come around during the holiday season. Did that new guy you're seeing invite you to his work Christmas party? Sure, it might feel a little early in the relationship to accompany him to a work event, but the holiday season has different rules. If you're enjoying getting to know the person, embrace the holiday festivities, drink the eggnog and have a good time! No need to over-think.

DON'T use the cold weather, and desire for a New Year's date as an excuse to lower your standards. It's better to go to that party alone — who know's, you might even meet someone there — than to bring along a lukewarm date just for the sake of having one. Dating around the holidays can feel intense enough as it is, so don't waste anyone's time.

DO continue going on first dates during the holiday season.
 

Once Thanksgiving rolls around, single people often put dating on the back burner until the New Year sets in. Don't let the holidays stop you from continuing to meet new people! If you look past the hectic travel days and scrambling for last minute gifts, December is a cozy, warm, and hopeful time of year — making it an ideal time to date. 

DON'T buy a Christmas gift for that girl you've only been on 2 dates with but really, really like. She didn't get you anything.

DO Take advantage of the holiday season by mixing it up with holiday date ideas! Check out the best places to see holiday light displays (most cities have neighborhoods that go all-out), carol singing, or any fun holiday-themed local activities.  

Professional Matchmaker & Dating Expert, Melissa Rogers, says: 

DON'T stress out about being "alone" during the holidays! If you're single, use it as a time to curl up with your favorite holiday flick and nurse a glass of hot cocoa (or wine). 

DON'T use the holidays as an excuse to eat your weight in sugar. A small piece of Aunt Meg's chocolate brownie bark isn't going to break the wellness bank, but one of everything on the dessert bar might. Yes, you'll feel heavy and bloated, but you're emotional state will also not thank you for the sugar-low after the rush.

Nurture confidence and self-love before, during and after the holidays!
 

DO invite a date to see a local holidazzle parade. It'll be a great time to get a little closer and test chemistry with some snowy snuggles. 

DO host a party with a theme! Ugly sweaters might be overdone, but how fun would it be to do a retro 50's style holiday party or a "Ghosts of Christmas Past" theme? Show off your hosting skills and maybe catch the eye of a lucky party goer. 

DO enjoy the holidays whether you're alone or attached. There is always something to be thankful for. 

Professional Matchmaker and Heartalytics writer, Cora Boyd, addresses those who are newly coupled:  

The holidays are a charged time for dating. What with the societal pressure to show you're boo'd up, the heightened desire for someone to snuggle while drinking hot chocolate, and the copious amounts of hot toddies available, it can be hard to keep a clear mind about your budding romance.

The pressure is on: will you invite each other to holiday parties? Will you meet each other's families? Will you kiss when the ball drops?
 

Although it might feel overwhelming to navigate how your new relationship will fare during the most intimate time of year, the holidays present a great opportunity to gage your own intentions, your partner's intentions, and potentially up-level your relationship.  

In order to not push your new relationship to the point of combustion, it is imperative that you meet your relationship where it's at currently, while being mindful of where you want it to go. If you've only been dating a month, it might be a little hasty to invite your boo thang to your uncle's eggnog extravaganza.

If, however, you're ready to take your relationship to the next level, tell Uncle Kenny to pour it up. Invitations during the holiday season are more symbolic of your intentions than any other time of year, so know that your decision to spend (or not spend) this highly coveted time with someone sends a message. (This is coming from a woman who once went on a second date on Valentine's Day. It was awkward). If you're unsure, test the waters by inviting your guy/gal to a friend's holiday party rather than a family one. And if you're sure, grande gesture away! You won't know unless you ask.

Professional Matchmaker Tania Abramova agrees that the holidays up-the-ante:

The holiday season is a festive time — from twinkling lights, to warm beverages, and countless celebrations. But for those of us in the dating world, this time of the year may increase the pressure on budding romances.

Family face-time can often lead to those dreaded relationship pusher questions (are you seeing anyone?). Naturally, we long to share this special time with a significant other. Holiday parties can also have us wondering how soon is too soon for your new romantic interest to become a plus-one.

I recommend slowing down and setting reasonable expectations for yourself and for your partner (if in a new relationship).

My go-to tips:

1. It's OK if communication falters
   The holidays are a busy time for everyone. Haven't heard from your new guy/gal in a couple of days? Don't panic. Before losing your gingerbread cookies, consider that they're simply wrapped-up (pun intended) in the chaos of the season. Give others space to focus on their friends and family.
    
2. Create holiday traditions together
   Instead of integrating your new partner too quickly into family and friend get-togethers, consider more low-key activities that focus on the two of you — trim the tree, make eggnog, or shop for ugly sweaters for your respective parties. Intimate celebrations can reduce the pressure while bringing you closer together. 
    
3. Presents or no presents
   While we all know the holidays aren't just about getting that sweater you saw at Bloomingdale's, gift-giving is a tradition that's sticking around. In new relationships, the question of whether or not to do a gift exchange is tricky. If you feel comfortable, I recommend surfacing the topic directly — would you like to swap gifts or keep it casual? Otherwise, go small. An ornament or homemade cookies can go a long way. The goal is to make your new flame feel appreciated, but not overwhelmed. 

Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach, Sophy Singer, agrees with the other experts:

If you just started dating someone (it's been less than 3-4 dates within a month), don't rush to invite him/her to holiday parties with close friends, family, and/or co-workers. Some people view meeting one another's friends and family as a sign of taking the relationship to the next level. This could potentially create stress or scare someone off, who's more of a "slow burn" in the first month of dating.  

Another gift warning (and idea)!

If you're in the early stages of dating (less than 2 months), don't spend your entire holiday bonus on a present for him/her. I agree with Tania that the best way to handle this is to discuss it directly. Though, I recommend making the conversation "merry!" Try introducing the idea of a fun, little gift exchange or game for your next date. 

Something like: "Let's see which one of us can find the most ridiculous gift for one another for under $20!" 

Professional Matchmaker & Dating Expert, Remy Boyd, provides several important reminders:

DON'T force your holiday traditions, festivities or expectations onto others. Everyone celebrates the holidays in their own special way!

DO keep the holiday attire to a classy minimum. Ugly sweaters and Santa hats are cute, but generally speaking they're not sexy. Keep your date attire warm, relaxed and on-trend with classic red sweaters for guys, and comfy accentuated dresses, skirts or slacks for the ladies. A festive scarf, broach or ear muffs show you're in the holiday spirit without looking like you escaped from the North Pole!

DO be grateful for the love you have during the holidays. If you're having a tough time with your partner, rather than call it quits (due to pressure or stress), focus on good will, togetherness and compassion — the major themes of the holiday season. Give that extra effort! Kiss under the mistletoe, enjoy eggnog and cookies in front of the fire place, cuddle on the couch and wish upon a star! 

DON'T feel like a loser if you're single. View the happy couples, love and family bonding you're seeing everywhere as inspiration. Allowing the holiday blues to creep-in is a non-starter. Volunteer in your local community, help a neighbor or call a friend you know you won't see during the season. Find something, anything, that brings you joy and be happy to have it in your life. 

You’ve been listening to Bitch Better Have My Money on repeat for the last twenty minutes, and your heart is beating as hard as it would if you didn’t have Rihanna’s money. You’ve carefully disheveled your hair and, on the chance that there’s a lull in the conversation, you’ve rehearsed a nonchalant recounting of this super funny and random thing that happened to you in line at Starbucks this morning.  

Guns blazing and expectations as high as your heels, you walk into the first date.  

Maybe he’s an absolute gent and spent his early twenties learning the Irish fiddle in County Clare. And maybe, if you met online, he looks exactly nothing like his pictures and makes a slurping sound as he chortles. When you carve out time to meet someone one-on-one, there’s an inherent awkwardness, and the dynamic can be a bit of a gamble. If you’ve reserved the entire evening, you might be in for a long haul.  

What would happen if you just stopped going on first dates? If you framed an initial meeting as more of a “meet up” and didn’t allot very much time for it? Would Bath & Body Works go out of business? (Let’s be real, who uses body mist on a second date?) Would chivalry rear his well-groomed head from the grave and die once again?

Research conducted by E. Jean Carroll, love guru of Elle magazine and cofounder of Tawkify, reveals that the two optimal times for first dates (that lead to second dates) are Tuesday evenings and Saturday afternoons.

There’s way less “date” pressure on a Tuesday than there is on a Friday, and way less rom-com-instilled expectation at a brewery at 2pm than there is at a jazz bar at 8pm.  

I’m all for gestures and romance and holding boomboxes over your head and not putting Baby in a corner and making out with Ryan Gosling in the rain. But in order for a gesture to feel romantic, it has to feel earned. It has to feel like a choice rather than a default. It has to feel proportionate to the level of intimacy you share. It’s one thing if your girlfriend of a year climbs through your window to surprise you with breakfast in the morning, it’s another thing if a girl you’ve gone out with twice does it.     

The idea of a first date is just to see if there’s enough intrigue to merit seeing each other again. That’s it. It doesn’t need to be highly curated, expensive, or ceremonious. You don’t need to exchange every detail of your life and background, and you don’t need to go horseback riding.

Those pairs who go on first dates on Friday or Saturday night, prime real estate for dating, might have just as much potential for chemistry as those ones that go out on random weeknights. But in the early stages of courtship, expectations have a habit of getting in our way.

When we expect profound connection and trust to be there instantly, we shortchange connection and trust from building. 

When we design a romantic oasis before those feelings have had a chance to develop, we draw attention to the absence of those feelings.  

I’m not suggesting that you only meet dates over PBRs on Tuesdays, or that you wait to be thoughtful and sweet until a specified number of dates have occurred, just that you take off the pressure from the “first date” and save the middle-school-style slow dancing to At Last for down the line.   

It seems counterintuitive, but some of the best matches I’ve made have resulted from casual last minute day dates, and some of the the most magical dates I’ve gone on myself have been second dates that followed first dates so low-key that they felt like an afterthought.

On a second date there’s more space for genuine gesture because you’ve both chosen to be there based on a grounded assessment of each other, rather than a preconceived abstraction of who the other person might be, or an Instagram perusal.

You heard it here first: second dates are the new first dates, and first dates are for middle schoolers and guys who still wear hair gel.

Cora Boyd

Cora's gift for the written word has landed her a spot among the voices of Urban Daddy, where she has penned articles on cuffing season and on the controversial trend of dating resumés.

It's been two whopping years since What To Tawk About was published, and in light of recent reader inquiry, we've decided to dust off our talking-point boots to help busy singles everywhere achieve convivial conversations. 

In short, good date conversation starters can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” but are open-ended, with the power to spark a conversation that might last for hours. 

To kick us off, here's the short list:

1. What was the last really great book you read?

2. What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

3. What is your favorite movie, or the best one you saw lately?

4. Tell me about your best friend(s), why are you two such good buddies?

5. Do you have pets? Tell me about them.

6. What’s the last thing you did that surprised you?

Interesting side-note — an OKCupid analysis from 2011 reports the three most common questions long-term couples ask (and agree on), during first dates are:

1. Wouldn’t it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?

2. Do you like horror movies?

3. Have you traveled around a foreign country alone?

Hmm... interesting. And if you need a refresher on what not to talk about, check out, Matchmaker Says: Just Don't Ask. 

Now to the good stuff. 

Matchmaker Dorothy Stover digs in:

How do you converse with your date without it feeling like an interview? This is a very common question I hear from clients and friends. My answer is always the same:

Be a present, active listener and the conversation will flow.
Answer questions by telling stories.
 

What does it mean to be present? Listen. Focus on your date — not on the food, or your server, or your phone. What is the person across from you actually saying? If you ask your date how their day has been and they respond with, a little rough because of public transportation delays — notice that. Most of us have been there. Agree and be interested.

Taking Interest in someone leads to interesting conversation, and ultimately greater connection.
 

Share a story of yours about public transit. Storytelling opens the doorway to finding common ground. Moreover, when you share a personal story it makes your date feel comfortable to share as well.

Also important, try to avoid replying to questions with one-two word answers. Elaborate! I'm not suggesting you ramble on unnecessarily in response to every prompt, but give a bit more than a solid yes or a no so you achieve reciprocal dialogue. 

So, what do you talk about?

I have found the topic of travel to be a universal connector. Even if your date has not traveled a great deal, they have likely dreamed about where they would go. Ask them where they have been, where they are going or where they've always dreamed of going. If you find you share the same dreams, let them know. 

The more you reveal to each other, the better. 

I like to ask: What is something no one really knows about you? 

This question is best asked when you're starting to feel that intangible (and magical) chemistry building.
 

If they seem nervous, offer to go first. Then share something not many people (if anyone) knows about you. Perhaps a fear, a habit, something you long for, a dream or a regret. Be vulnerable and honest.

As an example, I'll share something about myself that not many people know (but, will now!): 
I have a fear of the water, but love to swim! As a young child, I exclusively clung to a friend or family member's back when in the water. As an adult, I don't go in the water without company. This almost certainly has something to do with the movie Jaws! 

Matchmaker Remy Boyd continues:

First dates are awkward, whether you know the person or not. Finding the ideal ice breaker can be a challenge, but the goal remains — to get to know your date. For brave souls who want to delve deeper, here are my favorite questions to reveal your date's mindset (and maybe also long-term goals).

"Do you like to date?" 
I know, you've likely been advised not to talk about dating while on a date! And I agree with that, but this specific question when asked in a curious way can open a pandora's box of dialogue between you and your date. With this question you have the opportunity to learn about his or her dating history, preferences and relationships (generally speaking), without the unpleasantness that direct probing into these topics may yield. It is a brave question, but the reward can be great! 

"What couple do you admire and why?" 

The couples we admire say a lot about our own relationship goals.
 

If your date identifies his or her parents and/or grandparents as a source of admiration, that says a lot (i.e. they have real-world relationship applications to admire, boding well for their partnership sensibilities as well). If a celebrity couple is mentioned, this may indicate a level of fantasy around relationships that is unrealistic.

"What do you think is the best way to get to know someone?" 
This is a great question to see how adventurous, spontaneous or stuck in the mud your date is. The answers provided may turn you off, but that's OK. Wouldn't you rather know that your date's relationship-building leanings aren't for you before investing more time? 

Matchmaker Melissa Rogers weighs in:

I like to ask questions that allow my date to authentically share who they are. Asking about an occupation can only get you so far, right? 

There are two questions I ask clients upon our first meeting that always result in the most honest and interesting responses! In fact, when I ask these questions I typically "hear" a smile from on the other end of the phone.

First, I ask what type of genre they enjoy binge watching as a guilty pleasure. Sounds a little silly, but it gives me a peek into the mind of my client. Some love true crime documentaries, some could watch every episode of The Office 5 times over and never get sick of it. What I find is that you can get a sense of a person’s style of humor, their intellect, or even their overall attitude.

Someone who is drawn to murder mystery thrillers is very different from someone who wants to casually unwind with The Bachelor on in the background.
 

Of course, this question also lends a hand in discovering how people spend their free time. Perhaps you'll hear, “I don’t own a TV” or “I’d rather read a book.” It’s an open-ended question that may allow you to bond over shared interests, or provide a path to dig deeper.

I also ask: “If you were to die tomorrow, what would your final meal be?” It’s silly, it’s light-hearted, it makes people laugh. So what if it doesn’t reveal how many kids they want to have or if they invest in a Roth IRA? It allows you to stay in the moment, gives a hint at their favorite cuisines (for the second date, of course!), and disarms them in general. Plus, the answers are always fun!

Matchmaker Coree Schmitz concludes with a simple question to leave you thinking: 

Date conversation often centers around our careers. I am happy for those that love what they do, but many are not defined by what they do during the work day. So, I like to ask:

"What do you love?"
 

The choice of words alone catches people off-guard, which I believe helps elicit a more honest response.

Sharing what you love opens the door for commonalities, conversation, and compassion. I think it makes people feel more real and reminds all of us that we are more than a professional title.

Things that I personally love include époisses cheese, the rush I get when I buy a plane ticket, learning a new word in Spanish, and going to see anything live (music or theater). What do you love? 

Last month, we published Matchmaker Says: Just Don't Just Ask, a collection of first date questions professional matchmakers recommend not asking. And of course, there are certain topics it's best not to surface (credit scores, number of past sexual partners, dating history, etc.) but, are the "no-noes" always strictly black or white? 

Matchmaker Marisha Dixon wades into this grey area, providing strategies on how to approach difficult topics when it's in your best interest to dive deeper...

I don't believe that anything is totally "off limits." There is an art and science to conversation, and certain situations call for tactful investigation into sensitive subject matter.

Let's start with the "science." We're wired to connect with others and it's likely that both parties really want to know the same things about the other person. So, who is going to mention the supposed "forbidden" topic first, and how?

That's where the "art" comes in. Those with conversational prowess know how to inquire to get wanted information without being intrusive.

Sure, there are questions whose answers you don't really need to know on day one, but the "sooner the better" for some things — particularly if it has to do with assessing common values.

Matchmakers must ask questions that some may consider to be "off limits."
 

Why? Because personal conversations are required to thoroughly screen potential matches for our clients.

How? If you learn the art and science of communicating (by actively listening and inquiring from a place of compassion rather than judgement), you can steer the conversation to empower others to open-up.

Let's set the stage...

You have a "no sex on the first date" policy. Many presume that sex is one of those "off limits" first date subjects, but your date has alluded once or twice to the topic in subtle ways, and naturally you're not sure what to think or do.

You're not uncomfortable because you already know your stance, but it's possible your date is attempting to draw you out... would he/she be interested in taking things further tonight? I recommend cutting to the chase in situations like this. Here's how to effectively have this "off limits" conversation on a first date (if it's absolutely necessary).

Say something like:

"I read in USA Today College that 42% of university students have sex before the first date. What was your take on pre-date sex back in college?

You have done a few things with framing the question in this manner:

1. You've acknowledged the elephant in the room (remember your date mentioned the topic first — though, in a subtle way). You want to show that you're a good listener, right?
    
2. You supplemented your question with a statistic about a commonly known trend. This statistic may oppose or support your own stance, though in this case we know you are team #nosexonthefirstdate.
    
3. You directed the spotlight off of that person directly and redirected it to their younger selves. This makes a huge difference. It's way easier to talk about the silly mistakes or beliefs we had when we were younger than to be asked a personal question about the here-and-now. Asking in this way creates a safe place for sharing, and will likely develop a conversation in which you can extrapolate past (and current) feelings on the topic. 
    
4. You are actively listening, expressing encouraging body and verbal language... "That's interesting, please do tell me more," nods and inquisitive smiles — all in a nonjudgmental manner. People want to connect (the science), but you have to help them feel comfortable to get them to do so (the art).

Now that your date is sharing the details about this "off limits" first date topic from the perspective of their younger selves, you can listen for anything that gives you the impression that this is (or is not) a mentality that vibes with yours. 

Again, there may be certain topics that are NOT necessary for you to know right away because it's just a first date, but in some cases you can wade into "forbidden topics" without making either party feel uncomfortable, or violated.

For the Love of Love is the fruit of an abundant crop of singles who continually shoot themselves in the foot while navigating courtship in modern society. Melissa Rogers, dating expert and matchmaker with Tawkify, will leave no stone unturned to discover where the hell it all goes wrong.

From ignoring bright, flashing red flags to telling little white lies on dating profiles, there are some universal missteps that plague singles of all demographics.
 

Melissa will explore all of the ways singles tend to self-sabotage their potential at finding true, lasting love. The aim? To turn dating destruction into going steady on easy street.

Column 1 — For the Love of Love: You Don’t Love Hiking

It’s 10am MST, and I’ve picked up the phone for my fifth screening call of the day. I double-check my brows to be sure I’m ready for an HD FaceTime chat (because Apple’s iPhone cameras are getting a little too REAL, if you know what I mean). Then, I go over my preliminary notes one more time. Cue a sigh.

Another single who has proclaimed in the ‘Interests’ section that they, in fact, love hiking.

I make a quick note to probe on this one. A few minutes into the call, we discuss the claim.

Me: “What kind of things are you doing on the weekends when you’re not recharging? I see here it says you love hiking! Where do you hike and how often do you go?”

Single Person: “Oh. Um. Well, I really like walking. I haven’t actually done a lot of hiking, but I walk a lot.”

Me: “So, do you do the whole ‘pack a backpack and plan to scale the side of a small ridge’ thing?”

Single Person: “Nah. I definitely don’t do that. I did once when I went to California a few years ago…”

End Scene.

OK, don’t get it twisted — I think there are legitimately people who LOVE hiking out there. I wholeheartedly believe that there are real-life hiking enthusiasts who actually own Tevas and have the REI co-op membership — but, I don’t think they’re as plentiful as the “interests” section might lead one to believe.

And that’s OK. What’s the big deal, anyway? It's just a minor misclassification of a hobby, right?

Wrong. This minor misclassification is a major misrepresentation. You would be surprised by how often I unearth these kind of little white lies. And the person bearing false witness is almost always fantastic! So, the issue seems to be that all these fetching singles don't know how to portray themselves when writing dating profiles. 

In a dating climate that promotes swiping left on someone whose profile photo isn't thrilling enough, it’s hard to know how to stand out.

For the love of love, though, being straightforward from the start is the sage move. The best match for you is the match that actually matches with you. You know, the match that won’t care if you haven’t done yoga in 3 years or if you aren't a daily meditator. They’ll like you for who you are today. If the sparks fly due to a fib, then the relationship is over before it begins.

Playing pretend in a new relationship is a big job, so why not give yourself the freedom to be unapologetically you instead? Initial attraction might be skin deep, but lasting relationships most certainly are not.

Ditch the old dating buzzwords and get real.

If you’re a pop culture fiend who hates the outdoors, just own it — someone, somewhere thinks that's hot. Confidence and self-awareness will be your pocket ace in any dating situation. No one fell in love with someone just because they said they really, really, liked hiking anyway.

For the love of love, 

Melissa Rogers

As the temperatures drop and the days get shorter, the prospect of cuddling becomes more palatable to the Northern single, the players of summer shed their emotional unavailability like leaves and the hustle to couple up mounts from a low thrum to a shrieking cacophony.

The game of romantic musical chairs begins. Cuffing season is nigh.  

According to the omniscient Urban Dictionary, “cuffing season” is a behavioral trend in dating that occurs during the cold months, roughly from Halloween to Valentine’s Day, wherein “people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be ‘cuffed’ or tied down by a serious relationship” due to “cold weather and prolonged indoor activity [which causes] singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.”  

Data from the dating app Hinge indicates that men are 15% and women are 5% more likely to seek a committed relationship during winter than any other other season. Match.com also sees significant peaks in business during the holiday season. But our intensified desire to cuff up during the colder months isn’t a new or digitally driven trend.

Hormonally, the changes in light and temperature spike our melatonin, prompting our homebody alter ego to rear its snuggly head.

Psychologically, we’re more likely to find others attractive in the winter because, while the masses are sequestered in their houses instead of visibly running around outside, the supply of romantic options appears lower. Evolutionarily, partnering up optimizes our chances of survival during a season with less access to resources. Add social pressures to couple up to the mix, like New Year’s and Valentine’s Day, and the masses proffer their wrists, begging to be cuffed.

To navigate cuffing season gracefully, be honest about your intentions—with yourself and with your cuffee. Are you looking to extend a hookup to get you through the cold, or build a relationship that will outlast the nippy temperatures? How much of your desire to cuff is to meet physical needs, and how much is to meet an emotional desire to connect? How much of your interest in your cuffee is specific to that person, and how much is based on your general desire for sex and emotional validation? When the snow melts and you’ve read every Nancy Drew book in the house twice (2012 was a weird winter for me), will you still want to hang out with this person?

For those who don’t want to settle down romantically but also don’t want to be jerks, these are helpful questions to ask yourself any time of year. They become especially salient during cuffing season, because the drastic pull towards intimacy raises our awareness of how...

...external circumstances, like the weather, directly influence our internal life, like our dating goals.

But a lens is always present; the external always influences the internal, no matter the climate. Cuffing season merely magnifies the relationship between the two.  

So take this period of frosty introspection to heed this season-agnostic dating advice: communicate clearly, make sure self awareness gets a seat at the table, and don’t define the relationship before it has a chance to define itself. The connections we make during cuffing season may serve as a temporary snuggle buddies, or they may blossom into a Christmas miracle. Don’t do anything rash with your cuff keys until the eggnog buzz has worn off. Now, go forth, snowsuit up.  

Happy cuffing season to you and yours. 

Cora Boyd

Cora's gift for the written word has landed her a spot among the voices of Urban Daddy, where she has penned articles on cuffing season and on the controversial trend of dating resumés.

The holiday season is quickly approaching and it can be equally daunting for singles and those in relationships. Natasha McCrea, Founder of Love CEO Institute sits down with Tawkify Matchmaker, Marisha Dixon, to discuss how to redefine and hold fast to your relationship vision in quarter four. Natasha suggests 3 simple solutions to make it through the holiday season regardless of your relationship status.

Don't miss Natasha's Holiday savvy checklist below ☟

Natasha's Holiday Savvy Checklist

Before you go down the rabbit hole of holiday chaos I want you to set-up a few self-care precautions for yourself by implementing a bit of love and boundaries.

Limit your time with toxic people. If you don’t feel like you can skip the events that make you feel bad (which I would recommend), then have an arrival and departure time scheduled. Plan it in advance and don’t let anyone guilt you as you walk out the door. Do not over stay, I guarantee you will regret it.

Schedule self-care time. Literally put it on the calendar. Don’t wait until you’re totally depleted to schedule self-care time, because most of the time you might be so depleted you won’t even do it.

Be intentional with your self-care. If that means scheduling a spa day or a DIY spa day at home. Do it. If you don’t usually take baths. Schedule one in. Schedule a brunch with girlfriends or a trip to the beach or a botanical gardens. Nature has a way of replenishing most people.

Be okay with exactly where you are at this very moment. If your schedule is so full you can’t make a party or spend hours Christmas shopping, be okay with that and don’t stretch yourself thin to do it. If it’s not in your budget to buy everyone a gift. Be okay with getting them a card or a beautifully hand written note of appreciation. Unapologetically do you, and I’m not talking about the puffed up you. I mean the you of this very moment.

Redefine the Holidays for yourself. I learned this years ago in counseling and I carried it with me and I encourage my clients to do the same. If there is something in your life that doesn’t bring you joy because of your expectation of the experience, then redefine what that experience is supposed to be. For example Christmas morning may send you into a depression because its not sitting around a tree unwrapping gifts the way you think it should happen. Now is the time change how you believe Christmas morning should be. Make it happen in a new way.  Instead of opening and wrapping gifts maybe you can vision board and set your intentions for the new year. Redefine it for yourself.

There’s something that happens to me every time I’m in Paris.

Maybe it’s because I’m a veteran people watcher in a legendary people-watching-city. Maybe it’s because I’m a Matchmaker and I’m looking for love for all of you.

Maybe it’s because I’m fascinated by how men and women define beauty and attractiveness, which ultimately commands their preferences and desires. 

I grew up spending summers with my French grandmother in Paris. In my 30s and 40s, my treasured Parisian summers became shorter and shorter, due to the realities of work, marriage, motherhood, and other adult obligations. Post-divorce, that leisure time grew even more limited.

So, this past October I traveled to Paris with the express purpose of spending five solid days with my grandmother, who just turned 104.

From the time I was a small child, my summer mornings began by watching my grandmother prepare for the day, seated before her huge three-mirror vanity. Her morning routine was just so: Careful placement of eye liner, lipstick and assorted powders. Precise selection of jewelry. A practiced choosing of coordinated clothing – shoes always matching a color within her blouse and/or skirt.

This daily morning routine was a big process, one she performed with patience and pleasure, while I studied her from my small cushioned stool next to hers.

And there was always perfume.

And lastly, a scarf, tied differently each day.

Grandmother did this every day, whether we had elegant lunch reservations, a picnic at the park, or a day filled with mundane errands.

She followed her morning ritual as a young bride, a mother, a grandmother, and a great grandmother. It was never about pleasing anyone, other than herself.

Every time I visit Paris, I invariably fall into a mini-version of her routine. I take time to dress, look in the mirror, I pull out make up from the very bottom of my beauty bag. I make time for the ceremony.

It is an effort.

I do it because when I’m in Paris, and I look around, it seems like everyone else does it too, men and women alike.

They honor themselves because they know something that I seem to forget each time I leave Paris: taking this kind of care of ourselves makes us feel special, and beautiful. 

We are more attractive to others, when we feel attractive.

I spend hours coaching women and men through the dating process, so I’m keenly aware of the connection between dating and self-confidence.

My Parisian lifestyle is radically different than my NYC life, where I sometimes never make it out of my yoga pants until the evening or ever pull my hair into anything other than my messy bun.

Though, when in Paris, I give myself a special gift of time. And, every time I'm there, I feel beautiful.

Why not feel extra attractive? Why not assign time for primping before stepping out of our homes, whether it’s out for a date or a trip to the supermarket?

I’m confident that the design and execution of your own "personal ritual" will increase the likelihood of successful dates, attracting others to you, no matter the setting.

Would you like to join me in a little experiment?

I’ve vowed to continue my Parisian morning practice when I get back to NYC. Join me and let me know how it works out for you!

P.S. My Grandmother still performs her morning ritual daily. She’s lived to 104 and turns heads to this day…she’s got to be doing something right!

Eat Date Love, 

Brigitte Weil, Tawkify Matchmaker, Chef + Founder, I Hate Celery Sticks
For more information on Brigitte, click here. 

If you're single and trying to mingle you've likely endured your fair share of dates. Those dates come in all shapes and sizes. Though, as many singles experience, the vast majority fall into the sit across from a table and talk category.

Last week we presented activity-based dates as a solution to date dreariness. And while that's good advice in general, we have more specific ideas to rattle those go-to date routines! 

Bustle reached out to us on this exact topic for 9 Date Nights That Are Actually Surprisingly Sexy (catch an excerpt below):

Yoga sounds daunting to many people, but it can be a new way to connect and destress. "There is nothing sexier than seeing your potential lover or spouse stretching and sweating their anxieties away," Remy Boyd, professional matchmaker at Tawkify, says over email. "The two of you have the perfect opportunity to get close, touch, meditate, and loosen up to the point of arousal, which sets the stage for some additional steamy stress relief later."

"Transform your personal space into a sensual spa by lighting candles and incense, turning on some meditative tunes, and creating a palette of plush blankets and pillows," says Alyssa Bunn, professional matchmaker at Tawkify, over email. "Bring out the chocolates, massage oil, your favorite bottle of wine, and even some fresh flowers. Then, treat each other to relaxation and play with your desires."

While these suggestions from Boyd and Bunn are undeniably sexy, we cast our net further. What other steamy date ideas should be considered? And are any suitable for 1st, 2nd and/or 3rd dates?

Matchmaker Tania Abramova suggests:

Volunteer Together
Help out with an altruistic cause (that may be important to one or both of you)! Observing your significant other (or potential significant other) in all his/her selfless glory is SEXY…plus it's free and studies show that helping others boosts happiness.

Get Creative
For creative types, I recommend planning a date that suits your creative talents (a painting class, museums, cooking classes, etc.) Even if you're not a pro, it's fun to get involved with a creative project. For example, if you share an interest in photography, go on a photography tour of the city. Spend the day (or night) taking photos of your favorite places. Maybe even get some shots of each other... this is intimate and fun, while still being appropriate for new romances. 

Tap into your inner child
There's something special about feeling like a "kid again." I suggest going to an arcade, amusement park and/or zoo. These types of activities sprinkle a dose of lightness to a date, which can really get people to open up and be silly (plus you can kiss at the top of the Ferris wheel!). What's sexier than laughing together and reminiscing about the "good old days?"

Matchmaker Kimia Mansoor recommends: 

Go dancing at a trendy nightclub... 
just the two of you! While women usually reserve nights at the club for girls-night only, it can be the perfect setting for a steamy evening with a new flame. Put on your sexiest little black dress (or suave suit for the gents) and head to the swankiest nightclub in town!

Home is where the hot is
While nights spent at home typically involve sweatpants and Netflix on the couch, a planned date night at home can be surprisingly sexy! Turn your living room into a mini speakeasy with dim lighting — covering lampshades and/or lighting candles in select corners of the room. Pull out the nice cocktail glasses and create a small bar (craft cocktail time!). It can be as simple as bourbon, bitters, and a bucket of ice. Nibble on some dark chocolate while you bask in mouth-watering conversation, sip on your bourbon, and relax. 

Matchmaker Tess Richie shares an avant-garde date idea designed for a specific client:

One of my clients loves avant-garde art, so I sent her on a date to the NY Earth room, followed by cocktails at the Pegu Club. The date mission was: Arrive with an open mind to meet your date at the entrance of New York’s Earth Room at 141 Wooster Street. Buzz apartment 2B and ascend one flight of stairs to the installation. Inhale. Enjoy. Contemplate. Depart. Discuss your opinions of Walter De Maria’s masterpiece over a cocktail around the corner at the Pegu Club. Located on 77 West Houston Street, this dark speakeasy overlooking Houston has exotic and interesting cocktails to suit your adventurous spirits. 

Note: Matchmaker preferred, but not required! You can plan dates like this for yourself. Search your city (and the internet) for hidden gems that spike your interest!

In that same vein, Matchmaker Shayna McDonough, outlines another vanguard NYC date night: "Start at the Museum Of Sex, followed by dinner at the Pegu Club, then capping off the night at a Wasabassco couple-friendly burlesque show!"

Matchmaker Constance Karcher takes a celestial approach:

Go for a late night walk with the Sky Guide app
I've been on this date myself and suggested it to many clients. So many intimate moments to be had! I recommend a walk in a park or natural area with little to no light (sexy). If it's chilly you may need to snuggle-up to keep warm (intimate). The best part is that in order to see the same view as your date you must put your heads practically in the same spot (fireworks!). All of these little details provide the perfect opportunity to make some serious eye contact, learn something new together... and let's face it — what's more magical than the stars?

If you ask me, there really is no such thing as work-life balance. Hyper focusing on one area of life will lead to neglect in the other. Instead, I believe it's best to aim for work-life wellness, which is simply when one incorporates practices that lead to healthy, happy performance in each life domain.

On this episode of Tawk To Me, my guest is Alex Wehrley, a national TV host, best known for hosting the Miss USA telecast in 2015 and the founder of @Empowerista, a movement and community to empower women's confidence and careers! Alex shares her advice about how to live well so you can be your best in work, love and life. 

XOXO,

Marisha Dixon
Matchmaker + Executive Coach

I recently heard from readers Merz R. and Nicole M. about best strategies for securing that elusive second date. This got me thinking... perhaps Merz and Nicole aren't alone in this struggle. Have you recently been out on a fantastic first date and heard nothing but crickets afterwards?

To provide the best possible solutions for Merz and Nicole, I did quite a bit of research — Industry experts have a lot to say on this topic (side-note: check out Tawkify's study on the best day/time to date).

Though, amidst all of the advice on what to wear, what to say, what not to say — there were 3 main points that surfaced as the most essential. 

1. First Date = Activity-based

The most successful type of 1st and 2nd date (increasing the likelihood of future dates) is an activity-based date.

Anything that gets people on their feet, experiencing something out-of-the-ordinary is preferred. That is not to say dinner dates are not successful, but an activity-based date is better suited for the initial introduction. Whereas, dinner dates are better suited for 3rd dates and onwards. 

So, why are activity-based dates so effective? They...

• ...break people out of their comfort zones — forcing dialogue into more interesting places.
• ...allow for more movement. Thus, granting the opportunity to see how someone holds themselves and engages in social situations.
• ...are FUN. First and second dates should be light, casual and full of laughs.

Save the candle-lit dinner for 3+ dates in, when you actually know you like this rando. Your dinner will be much more meaningful, much more romantic (and much less awkward). 

Go to a museum, the botanical gardens, an outdoor jazz show...play a game of chess in the park (if you both like chess), hit up a food truck event, a wine tasting, etc. Here are some more fun ideas. 

In a nutshell —

If you're wanting to maximize your chances for a second date, do something original with your first date. 

If you're working with a dating service and would like to give this strategy a try — let your matchmaker know you'd like an activity planned on your next first date. 

2. Texting Trap, Beware! 

Avoid communication-in-limbo mode like the plague! 

You might have experienced this... two people are in communication for weeks, months, years (haha), but don't actually plan an in-person date. This is 100% an unfortunate bi-product of contemporary dating culture. There's always another attractive, funny, amazing single around the next swipe — boo!

This "trap" occurs in the stage between first and second date quite frequently. You have a great first date, you talk and text casually for a couple weeks... and no real plans ever transpire for that second date. 

My advice? Do not spend your time talking/texting until you've been on at least 3 dates. From dates 1-3, only use forms of communication to plan the next date and cover very preliminary topics — not in-depth personal conversations that are better had in-person. 

Make a plan, stick to the plan and don't waste your time on pre-date conversations. You're too busy for that! You have a life and talking to strangers on your free time is a time-suck.

The goal is to get to know someone IRL (in real life), so stick to that end-game and cut out the clutter in between. 
 

3. No sex. 

Almost every industry expert agrees on this point. Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Alyssa Bunn, gives her reasoning:

"She's hot. You're hot. Why not? Well, not so fast. Sex clouds your thinking. When you have sex with someone, the relationship shifts focus and becomes about doing it again — the sex, not the date. Any clarity about this person being a future partner goes out the window, in most cases. If the initial chemistry is that great, see if it's still there on a second or third date."

Have tips of your own to share? Comment below with any of your go-to strategies for securing that second date!

Love Wisely, 

Valerie Presley Ackler
Editor, Heartalytics

Two years ago we covered first date pet peeves — you know, those cringe-worthy behaviors we sometimes have to endure while sitting across from relative strangers. Since then, we have published first date guidebooks, talking-point lists, and even a first move tip-sheet.

Though, it wasn't until Best Life reached out with a new question that we realized we were missing a big piece of the first date puzzle — that is, what topics we advise first daters not to surface.

So, we asked our matchmakers... 

What questions should never be asked on a first date?
 

Matchmaker, Sophy Singer, kicks off the discussion:

"So, how do you like (insert name of dating app/dating site/dating service) so far?" 

Everyone tends to want to discuss dating on a first date. Perhaps this is a theme because we naturally try to find commonality in conversation. Too bad! As easy as it is to go there, don't do it!

This question launches the conversation into awkward places. Suddenly, one of you might start sounding like a crazy serial dater. On the other end of the spectrum, it may come out that this is your first date in ages. Either way, both parties start overthinking one another's answers, which leads to judgement, which leads to miscommunication, which leads to...

You get the point. Just don't go there!

Matchmaker, Remy Boyd, adds: 

"How many people have you had sex with?" 

Asking this question not only makes your date feel uncomfortable, it's just plain ineffective — you can't win no matter what the response. If someone is honest and discloses a low number, they might appear to be inexperienced. Whereas, a high number may express an inability to commit... or worse. The point is, no matter how you answer, it doesn't serve either party. Stick to light questions. Ask about travel, good food, books, music, shared interests, etc."

"How old are you?" 

I believe in the old adage, “age ain’t nothing but a number.” But, lots of people don’t! I recently had a client who rejected a date based solely on age, even though he checked all of the boxes on the rest of her list. To her, his age implied they were not at the same stage in life; i.e. he was immature and/or not ready for a long-term committed relationship.

Asking this question on the first date can lead to tense conversation where one or both parties feel like they must defend themselves due to age. Dates should be about having fun, not comparing driver’s licenses!

"What’s your credit score?"

This is a real no-no! If you ask your date his or her credit score, you are digging for information that is none of your business. There is a time and a place where finances should be discussed, but it is most certainly not on the first date. Ask this strange question and expect your date to flee!

Matchmaker, Dorothy Stover:

Past relationships.

No one enjoys premature probing into one's romantic past. Speaking poorly about one's ex, providing unnecessary details about past relationships (and breakups) is not advisable.

In fact, bringing up exes at all is not advisable.
 

I hear this complaint from clients often, and it is also often the reason said clients don't want to go on a second date with the ex-inquirer. This can all be avoided by not asking about about exes, at all. Be cautious not to ask questions that may lead to the ex files, i.e. how long have you been divorced? Or... why are you still single? (and why anyone would ask the latter blows my mind!).

Matchmaker, Melissa Rogers, agrees with Dorothy on the last point:

"Why are you still single?"

What a disastrous question. Is it rhetorical, is it not?

The asking party might actually mean it in a sweet "you're so great" kind of way, but the person answering has an incredibly awkward task ahead of them — trying to explain why they're still single, even with the great career, fabulous friends, etc... It's like trying to explain Stonehenge. No one gets it. The answer is most likely, "I have no idea why I'm single, because I want to be..?" And, where are you supposed to go from there?

Sophy Singer also echoes the importance of avoiding past relationships in date conversation:

"So, when was your last relationship?" 

What a super-meta/awkward question to ask on a date! Yes, we have all had past relationships. They are over now, which means that something went sour, right? Negative stuff. Sad feelings. Not my idea of keeping things fun and light! Laying out your (or your date's) past relationship baggage on a first date is a sure-fire way to put out the spark!

Dorothy Stover continues...

"Do you want to get married and have kids?"  

All too often we focus on the future at inappropriate times. Before you begin investigating whether or not you have the same life goals, figure out if you actually want a future with this person. Do you like them? Do you feel like yourself around them? Do you have the foundation of friendship that could even lead to a happy marriage?

You might be wondering, when is it OK to ask about the future? 

Only if the topic comes up naturally or after the "we're exclusive" conversation takes place. Don't put your eggs in one basket until them. Date and date and date some more. If you're dead-set on knowing the answer to these questions ahead of time, hire a matchmaker to ask the pre-screening questions for you.

But remember — wanting to get married and have kids in general doesn't necessarily mean they want to get married and have kids with you. Also, just because someone says they don't want to get married and have kids doesn't mean they won't someday (but, don't bank on that hopeful change of heart). 

Family inquiry or status of parents marriage.

You have no idea what the "are your parents still married" question will unearth — so I recommend that you don't ask it.
 

Yes, if things go well your family lives may well be intertwined. But the first date isn't the right setting to broach the subject, as this can be a complicated topic for many — divorce, fighting with a sibling, family far away and on and on.  

Of course, if your date asks about your family, you don't have to shy away if you'd like to share. Conversation often takes a life of its own and that's OK. Just keep in mind that the purpose of a first date is to figure out if you want a second one, not if you want to marry or be in a long-term relationship.

In that vein, Matchmaker Melissa Rogers, offers another off-limits question:

"Do you go on a lot of first dates?" 

To be honest, if you're just meeting someone, it's none of your business how many first dates they go on. Or second dates. Or third dates. Your business is your connection. Instead, ask questions about their interests and hobbies or even what they'd order for their final meal on earth. These are the questions that will help you decide if there is a mutual attraction, and maybe even a second date of your own! 

Matchmaker, Coree Schmitz, makes an interesting closing point:

For me, the questions you should never ask on a first date are ones you don't want the answers to right away anyway. Whether it be about family, politics, religion, marriage, kids, or something as benign as their favorite band - if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask it. You may not want to know the answer because of a personal bias, a previous relationship, or maybe because your ex plays in a popular band and you don't want to know your date is a big fan. Whatever!

I don't disregard that these topics will have to be covered eventually, but on the first date it's important to remember that you are dating a person, not an agenda. By giving someone the chance to be more than your toughest questions, you might find more compassion for yourself and your date.

So the first thing I want to do before continuing to explain what this title actually means is share that I was raised Baptist, and was very involved in my church — from serving as an Usher, to singing in the choir, going to Sunday school religiously (pun intended), but…

To be honest, I never felt strongly connected to the [practice] of religion. But there was no way I would have EVER been able voice my true concerns. Yes, there were times I went to church because I thought that was what I had to do. My spiritual truth likely lies somewhere in-between the lines. I have always been able to trust this intuitive feeling (God, The Source, The Universe) which led me to certain people and opportunities in life, and I have always valued the way others chose to live even if it isn’t a philosophy I personally subscribe to.

Moreover, I was never the Cinderella girl. I cannot recall ever being fascinated with the idea of wearing a big white dress, or having a fancy wedding — kids, maybe. But the idea of “marriage” never really mattered to me. That doesn't mean I don't want my own version of “happily ever after,” I'm just not sold on what exact shape that will take.  

I felt for a long time (especially as a young adult) that I should not voice this perspective. It wasn't really a "safe" opinion to have as everyone around me  —  mostly other women  —  seemed to have more traditional views on the subject.

Fast forward to now — in my role as a Matchmaker, I’ve encountered some very different belief-systems about relationships. Though one theme seems to be consistent...

We all have our own way to share and practice love.

Relationship beliefs are personal, varying and not always in line with society's prescribed method, or even in total agreement with our chosen partner's views!

These different belief systems can actually create connection. Difference isn't synonymous with distance. Even though we might naturally feel distant from people who don’t feel, look, or sound the way we're accustomed to, doesn't mean we can't find common ground. 

A "relationship" is defined as:

“The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected. Bond; alliance."

Through conversations with clients, their potential matches, colleagues, and even via checking in with my own “Internal GPS,” I began to realize that the idea of love and relationships has been reduced to exist only in the form of monogamy for the masses. As I began to have my own epiphanies and interest in learning about “what else was out there,” I found myself having more and more encounters with people who were engaged in or considering open relationships.

This was sincerely fascinating! Or should I say, this IS fascinating. Not because I myself have agreed to participate, but because I appreciate people who take the time (and have the courage) to go out and pursue what works for them — regardless of whether it's conventional or not.

My exploration into this topic (by working with and speaking to people pursuing and/or engaged in open relationships) has revealed a host of learnings, and I'm sharing the five main takeaways I've gleaned today:

1. There’s no one right way to be in a relationship. You can create your own agreements as a couple.
2. Sex is really not even all that it’s about, contrary to what many assume.
3. It’s not "infidelity" if both parties consent to the relationship style.
4. Jealously and other emotions aren’t excluded just because you’re in an open relationship.
5. The desire to have and raise a family doesn’t have to be abandoned because of this relationship style. Though, the couple would obviously need to do their fair share of research and planning to secure and nurture a healthy family dynamic.

It might seem strange for a “Matchmaker” to not be in total opposition of open relationships. But, it's not my job to be in judgment of anyone's relationship beliefs. It's my job to listen, learn, advise, and work toward happy endings.

Marisha Dixon
Matchmaker + Executive Coach

Cora Boyd has been providing both "haha" and "uh–huh" moments through her work for Heartalytics since last December. If you've missed some of the highlights check out At The Intersection of Dating & Relative Value and Myth Busters: Romantic History Edition.

Cora's gift for the written word has landed her a spot among the voices of Urban Daddy, where she has penned a new article on the controversial trend of dating resumés. Check it out below ☟

Posing for photos with Kermit the Frog in front of La Sagrada Familia. Ranting about seahorses. Equivocating on the futility of existence. In the virtual world of dating apps, where men outnumber women two-to-one, a guy’s gotta do something to stand out in a crowd of shirtless men taking mirror selfies.  But when the going gets tough and tech-savvy, the tough and tech-savvy, like Charlie Motew, get going.

To give himself that extra edge online, Charlie, a 25-year-old marketing director in Phoenix, created a “dating resumé” website showcasing his most dateable assets, which he has been sending to girls he matches with on apps.

“Charlie Motew,” the landing page reads, “An American Legend. Let’s go on a date. Get dinner.  Adventure. Make love. Spit off a bridge. You know. The fun stuff.”

The tone of the site is witty, sarcastic and consciously cocky in that polarizing way that rubs some the wrong way and rubs others the right way. “It acts as a filter for girls who will be compatible with my sense of humor,” Charlie says. “I’m not taking myself seriously at all here, and the girls who get that think it’s hilarious.  And I’ve set up some promising dates as a result.”  

Charlie isn’t the only guy touting a dating resumé. A handful of others have surfaced online, ranging in levels of self-awareness, sincerity and douchebaggery. Baby-faced Michigan State University student Joey Adams’s dating resumé went viral and delighted the masses. Colorado businessman Nathaniel Rifkin, who looks suspiciously like a cardboard replica of an aardvark, created a dating resumé that went viral and pissed off the masses.  And derpy-yet-sweet French-Canadian digital nomad and online business owner Maxime is just looking for his soulmate and travel partner—any takers?

The ubiquity of digital tools is steadily merging the personal and professional, the private and public, in all areas of our lives. Business can be conducted in pajamas cross-continentally from the La-Z-Boy. YouTube home videos skyrocketed Justin Bieber from an obscure Canadian runt to a level of stardom so towering it would drive anyone to publicly urinate in a mop bucket. “Social media influencer” is perceived as a valid job title on The Bachelor, a show that broadcasts the intimate, and turns a profit. (That “aspiring dolphin lover” is also perceived as a valid job title is neither here nor there.)

On apps, you are the product. And those who excel at selling and branding themselves get swipes and dates. The paradox of choice is realer than ever—you have limited opportunity to grab someone’s attention before they move on to seemingly greener pastures and higher-resolution selfies. The competition is hot, meticulously curated and potentially photoshopped. The “dating industry” is growing, with more and more dating coaches and matchmakers (like me) offering their professional services. Given the increasingly flirtatious relationship between work and play, it’s not hard to imagine “dating resumés”—as literal an amalgam of the professional and the personal as there could possibly be—becoming the inevitable next step in digital courtship. The question is: should you take that step yourself?

Apps like Tinder favor the bold. But there’s a fine line between bold and obnoxious, and dating resumés teeter dangerously on the edge.

In my professional opinion, successful dating is some mystifying combination of numbers game, social intelligence and luck. We can optimize and improve on these variables by consistently putting ourselves in the way of opportunity, and ruthlessly filtering out the noise. Online, there’s a lot of noise, and it’s an art to pull off the transition from the screen to viable face-to-face opportunities. For Charlie, the dating resumé has proven an effective way to grab attention and increase his odds by narrowing his pool to women who understand and appreciate his sense of humor.

If you’re interested in creating a dating resumé, act fast while it’s still original. And to fall on the bold side of the line rather than the obnoxious, here’s my advice: include enough humor and self-deprecation to make it clear you’re kind of joking. (Be kind of joking.)  Distribute your resumé organically only when relevant, rather than publicizing it on a mass scale in an open forum. Treat it as a tool to enhance and leverage what you’re already doing, not as a full-on replacement. Don’t include an application form or a laundry list of what you’re looking for—we’re here to judge you, not have you judge us. Make sure your resumé is polished and aesthetically-pleasing. And lastly, know your brand—that is, know thyself.

Some people will love it. Some people won’t. At worst, someone on the Internet might compare you to a cardboard aardvark. At best, someone might compare thee to a summer’s day.  And there’s always the possibility of finding love.

Cora Boyd

Q: “A man that I am extremely attracted to has been flirty, then distant, flirty than distant. I told him how much I would like to get to know him and he told me he will reach out when he's ready. I'm heart broken! Not sure if I should take that as good bye. So confused!” -- Dee T.

Love tug-of-war. It's no fun at all. 

And, apparently it's top of mind, because I have received 8 questions via the ask page similar to Dee's in the last month. This got me thinking...and reading. And the conclusion I came to?
 

Maybe hurts a heck of a lot more than no. 

Eve Blazo, head of the Emissary Team at Tawkify, suggested I check out Meriam Raouf's Thought Catalog article on the subject — and it turns out Raouf concurs. 

"In those years, the maybes of men grow more and more exhausting. Eventually you realize that you can just be alone. It gets less scary, but more importantly, the alternative, the maybes, suck. That their maybes are a lukewarm shower. You learn the pain of lukewarm. Of guys or girls that kind of want to see you but keep you on hold while they weigh their options. You learn that maybe hurts more than no."

To clarify, this applies to both men and women. Men say maybe. Women say maybe. We all say maybe. 

So, where do we go from here? Obviously, we can limit our use of maybe. We now know that it hurts people — so just be clear, why don't ya! Do you like lukewarm showers? 

However, not everyone you date will read this article. Maybe they don't know the damage of a maybe. In those cases, I make one argument.  

Nobody has time for that! 

The next time someone tells you maybe, consider it a no and move on. 

Don't you want to be someone's "yes!"?

I also heard from Jack via the ask page on this topic. He shared about an on-and-off romance with a childhood friend. Over the last 15 years, Jack's friend has initiated a relationship and then retreated abruptly after a certain intimacy was reached. Upon retreat, she always expressed a maybe for the future. Another reader, Elizabeth, submitted a shockingly similar tale as well. 

There are a host of reasons why someone might say maybe, instead of no. However, in these cases I believe the cause is truly insurmountable.

It's called Commitment Phobia.

There is nothing you can do to make a relationship work with someone who doesn't actually want a relationship (consciously or subconsciously). Retreating immediately after intimacy (sex and/or emotional closeness) is classic commitment-phobe behavior. If you are hearing "maybes" from someone who exhibits any of these indicators, run for the hills. 

Sidenote: This is not to say that everyone who says "maybe" to you is a commitment-phobe. It's also possible (of course) that they're dating multiple people and not feeling those monogamy sparks with you.

Either way, maybe maybe should be taken as a no. 

Choose to date people who are psychologically prepared to be a loving, consistent partner for you. You know that phrase love is pain. I don't think that's true. Love should be shared and enduring. You should feel like you can depend on those you love. 

And the one thing I know for certain – you can't depend on maybe. 

Love Wisely, 

Valerie Presley Ackler
Editor, Heartalytics

Dating is difficult and isolating — especially in the current climate of swiping apps and digital disconnect. But what about for singles with diabetes? What additional challenges do they face? 

Last week, The Diabetes Council reached out to Tawkify to start a conversation on this topic. With their help, we have put together a dating with diabetes guidebook. We have the stats, questions (and answers) to help ease the uncertainties diabetic singles face (as well as inform those without diabetes about the reality of the condition). 

Take it away, Diabetes Council!

Relationships are tough in this day and age. With approximately 60 percent of all marriages ending in divorce, does diabetes stack the deck against you in a committed, long-term relationship?

A question we get asked all the time: Should I date someone if I have diabetes? Or, Should I date someone who has diabetes?

To provide some context, please check out the stats ☟

Common problems and solutions in relationships with diabetes

Helicopter boyfriend or girlfriend

Much like the helicopter parent, a very common relationship problem is too much involvement with their beloved’s diabetes. At one end of the spectrum the helicopter boyfriend (or girlfriend) does just what a helicopter does. They hover.

“Have you checked your blood sugar this morning?” they ask, as you take your first bite of cereal.

“Yes, of course I did,” you reply. “I do every single morning when you ask me this exact same question,” you think sarcastically.

What might be a remedy for this particular situation? How about the following method of communication with one another:

“Yes, I checked my blood sugar. I do check my blood sugar every morning. I don’t really need a reminder for that, but I keep forgetting to rotate my injection sites. Can you remind me to do that?”

In this way, the person with diabetes lets their partner know what their exact needs are. There is no guessing.

The other person doesn’t feel like they are responsible for managing their loved one’s diabetes. The person with diabetes has already taken responsibility for their own self-management.

They have also let their partner know exactly what they need them to do in order to help them in managing their diabetes.

The partner feels that he or she is helping with their partner’s diabetes, but they do not feel an overwhelming need to take over the care of their loved one.

When a person with diabetes takes an active role in managing their diabetes, and are coping with their chronic condition, they make it easier to be cared for in a relationship. Primary care providers would serve a patient better by examining the dynamics of their relationships, and providing referrals and interventions that serve to nurture these relationships. The end result would be better self-management of diabetes where support is enhanced.

The Hands-off Harry or Hillary
 

At the polar opposite, is the Hands-off Harry or Hillary boyfriend or girlfriend. While the helicopter boyfriend or girlfriend hovers and becomes overbearing, the Hands-Off Harry or Hillary seems to be pretending that it’s business as usual.

This type of mate seems to be under the impression that their loved one doesn’t have diabetes. They may even be in denial. They may not understand the severe consequences that uncontrolled diabetes can have.

Whatever their reason for being completely hands off, these partners don’t offer much in the way of support. This is the spouse that brings home a pantry full of candy and treats, stocks the fridge with regular sodas, and doesn’t see any reason to attend diabetes education classes with their partner.

They may have the attitude that it’s your problem, and will not implicate themselves. They may even make you feel like a burden that they have to deal with. This is not helpful and is also hurtful to the person with diabetes that genuinely needs the care and support of their partner.

A solution to this is to let the person know of the level of involvement that you would like for them to have. As with many other situations in life, you cannot make the other person do what you want them to do. You can only ask, and hope that they will come around to supporting you.

If they still won’t support you in your efforts to live healthy with diabetes, then consider them just another life obstacle or barrier that you must figure out how to navigate around.

You can stock your own cabinet or pantry with snacks and foods that are more likely beneficial to you in managing your diabetes. Though it may be harder to avoid snacks that people who live right in the house with you bring in than it is to avoid that annoying co-worker that keeps putting a Krispy Kreme on your desk, it can still be done.

Sometimes family can be the worst, but take heart, you too can muster up the will power to let your husband or wife know that you don’t want that Little Debbie cake they keep shoving in your face.

Often, if you can get your significant other to come to a doctor’s appointment with you, then the primary care provider can explain various aspects of care for the person with diabetes to the partner.

The “I want to help, but she won’t let me” syndrome
 

You may have a significant other with either managed or unmanaged diabetes who just so happens to be an independent sort. This person doesn’t need your help. They just got a new pump, and they know how to use it. They are completely managing things on their own, or are they?

You, as their significant other, just don’t know. You have an uncertainty because you are not asked to be involved. They don’t tell you what their blood sugars are from day to day. They don’t ask for your help. They don’t even need you to go to the doctor with them. You don’t even know what their A1C has been lately.

Great that they are managing alone…or is it?
 

This happened recently to Isabel, who contacted The Diabetes Council. Her boyfriend, who used to need her help with managing his diabetes, had recently obtained a new pump. He was cell-phone savvy, and he had a new T-slim. He went to his Medical Nutrition Therapy (MNT) appointments by himself, even though Isabel offered to attend. He became extremely independent in the use of his pump. He rarely spoke to her of his diabetes anymore.

When she asked, Isabel was told everything was fine, and for her not to worry about his diabetes anymore. “I’ve got this,” her boyfriend would say. Unable to communicate about the status of her loved one’s diabetes, Isabel felt shut out.

She didn’t feel close to him anymore, even though she said that she felt better knowing he was now comfortable with his own care.

In this situation, open the lines of communication. Let your loved one know that you care about them, and it helps you to feel more connected to them when you know how they are doing with their diabetes. Tell them of your fears and worries, and ask them how you could be involved in their diabetes care. It may be something as simple as a reminder about an appointment, or to pack a healthy lunch for them to take to work.

Whatever the level of involvement that the person with diabetes chooses, their significant other should try to respect their wishes and offer assistance if needed. Otherwise, they should allow the person with diabetes to maintain whatever level of independence that they desire.

A happy medium
 

If you are fortunate, your spouse, friends and co-workers that surround you on a day-to-day basis are somewhere in the middle. A supportive friend or spouse will help you when you need it, and back off when you want to do things for yourself. They will support you by not offering you tempting foods, but also won’t become a “Di-a-boss” if you decide to have a dessert on your own occasionally.

Most people with diabetes express satisfaction with the level of involvement they receive from their significant other. In one focus group, a small percentage of people with diabetes reported an “increased emotional distance, sexual intimacy issues, and concerns about caring for young children in the face of the constant threat of low blood sugar, called hypoglycemia.”1

Issues with sexual intimacy
 

Both men and women with diabetes can have a decreased interest and responsiveness to sexual intimacy as a result of diabetes. Women tend to get vaginal dryness, and this makes for an uncomfortable sexual experience. Men tend to get erectile dysfunction.

The good news is that both problems are remedied best by self-managing diabetes and obtaining good control over it. There are also some good over-the-counter products for women with vaginal dryness, and some good medications on the market for erectile dysfunction.

Be sure to ask your doctor if you are experiencing these problems in your relationship.

Having a spouse or significant other who supports you in your diabetes serves to increase communication and intimacy, which can improve your sex life. For relationships, with diabetes or without, communication is the key. For more on communication in relationships, read our article: The Effects of Diabetes on Relationships.

Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – Did I yell at you when my blood sugar was low?
 

It’s no joke when your blood sugars go low and you get a short fuse. You may hurt the feelings of your significant other, even though you do not mean to.

Confusion from your low blood sugar makes you agitated, and you snap at your loved one more than you would like to admit. The best way to combat this is to avoid a low blood sugar.

Check your blood sugars if you feel the slightest bit “off.” Always keep your carbohydrates with you to correct a low. Make sure that your partner knows about what to do if you do get a low blood sugar, and communicate that you might not be yourself, and could say something that you don’t mean. Explain that this is due to a low blood sugar, and not anything they have done.

Boiling it down

If you really love someone, it is not a deciding factor as to whether or not they have diabetes or not. A little open communication about what to expect, how to deal with it, and what kinds of things you need help with, etc. can go a long way!

At any rate, if you are a positive person, you can make sunshine out of rain. Let’s look at some ways that are beneficial for dating someone with diabetes, as well as the downfalls.

We invite our readers to add their input related to their experience with diabetes in relationships. Feel free to make comments in the comments section below.

To read more, please visit The Diabetes Council, here. 

While every long distance relationship has its own set of unique circumstances, there are some rules all long distance paramours should apply. We've done the research, scoured the web, talked to experts, and have identified the primary indicators of success.

People in long distance relationships find success more often when...

1. They plan

Staying consistent (and having a plan) for phone calls, video calls, and "digital dates" is essential. If you're serious about it working, there has to be a plan of contact (including in-person visits) that both parties are clear on and stick to. Consistency is key. 

Digital dates can be fun and interactive, just like in-person dates. Try...

• Listening to a jazz album over a video date. Make the same craft cocktail and enjoy them together while talking.

• Calling each other in the AM to chat about your dreams from the night before.

• Doing a FaceTime call while sharing a sunset or star gazing session.

• Reading a book to each other.

2. They talk

Specifically, they talk about how they're feeling, not just about how work was that day. The distance is tough and you're feeling lonely -- express that. You're feeling insecure in the relationship because you haven't been talking regularly -- express that too. There is physical distance, but there doesn't need to be emotional distance too. 

3. There's an agreed end to the distance

Multiple sources have declared the most important element to success is having a clear plan for how and when the distance will end.

"Long-distance relationships were meant to be temporary," says author Kevin Darné. "The goal is to be with the person you love. Therefore, in order to maintain a long-distance relationship there has to be a 'light at the end of the tunnel.' In other words, there must be a date established for when someone will be relocating to have a shot at lasting together. Without a light at the end of the tunnel it's only natural for couples to drift apart. It's the counting down of the months, weeks and days until one is finally done with the inconvenience of being in a long-distance relationship that keeps it strong."

Love Wisely, 

Valerie Presley Ackler
Editor, Heartalytics

If you missed National Singles Week, don't panic! We have all the major takeaways and top-tips from the week summarized in a handy guide right here on Heartalytics. Date on!

Day 1: Relationships – The Struggle is Real, So Are the Blessings

Today is a new day. It is the beginning of a new commitment to find love right where you are – without judgment. Today is the day to acknowledge that life is happening for you, not against you. This is your opportunity to identify the contributions you have made to your life experience (good and bad); and again, without judgment. No shame, guilt, or blame. Let's really look at the lens through which we've drawn conclusions about love and relationships... does that lens serve our goals? Or is it a roadblock?

Today's lesson: a self-guided activity and affirmation. This is a simple solution to get "unstuck." Identify what your roadblocks are, and strategize to knock em' down! This is the first step to ensure you navigate to your new version of happily ever after. Here’s a snippet of Day 1's video lesson☟

Day 2: When The Vision Is Clear, All Decisions Become Easier

Describe the romance you want to experience. This is the beginning of putting to rest any old narratives you used to tell. Yesterday you swept away the paradigms that no longer serve you and the romance you’re seeking. And today you will prepare to live life with a love filled vision. My matchmaker colleague, Cora Boyd describes how to navigate this process beautifully:

"It’s important to be clear on what we want from our love lives, to have standards, and to hold ourselves (and our dates) to those standards. That being said, often life has other plans for us than we had for ourselves - and that’s what makes it magical." 

"Intentions and goals provide us with something to strive for, but in dating, it’s important that we don’t set goals so rigid that they hinder the unpredictable course of romance.” 

Here’s a snippet of Day 2's video lesson☟

Day 3: Love Is Like Manure

I know, I know! It's a weird title, but hear me out. Love is like manure because when you hoard it and it piles up in one place, it really is just this one stinky mess! But boy, oh boy when you spread it around, it grows and creates beautiful things – lasting memories and experiences that you can share with others.

So today, your challenge is simple. You are going to give up waiting for love to find you. Today you commit to giving it. Go out and share your love! Today's lesson and self-guided activity provides you with 10 ways in 10 minutes or less to begin showing yourself love and nurturing relationships with others. 

Day 4: Your Body Is Your Temple, Treat It Accordingly

We've all heard the expression, "your body is your temple." When you consider the traditional definition of a “temple,” its becomes clear why we should think of our bodies in the same way. A temple includes the following elements:

• It is a place dedicated to worship
• It includes a divine presence within it
• It is a place reserved for a highly valued function

Even if you're not a religious person, it is helpful to consider your body as an important edifice – it is indeed the foundation on which your good health and well-being is based. So, treat it accordingly! Here’s a snippet of Day 2's video lesson☟

Day 5:  Know Your Worth

Have you ever heard of the term Identity Capital? Your identity Capital are all of the assets you've acquired from various sources and life experiences – from your professional career, school, travel, volunteer work, etc. It's all of the ways in which you have knowingly or even unknowingly invested in yourself; the ways in which you are unique.

When you begin to see yourself as an invaluable asset to the world around you because of all that you've accomplished and overcome, you will begin to feel a sense of self-worth. You are obligated to protect your assets moving forward. Today's lesson will help you to recognize all of the amazing qualities that make you unique to the world (and to your future lover). If you don't recognize and celebrate your own assets, how can you expect someone else to?

Day 6: Models of Excellence Help Form Our Pillars of Purpose
 

"You can't be what you don't see."

...quote from Marie Wilson of the White House Project on women in the media. While she used this phrase to describe the invisibility of women in the media, the core of the message speaks loudly to what you will be exploring in today's lesson (for both men and women). While everyone isn't pioneer, that doesn't mean every individual doesn't have potential. Some folks simply need inspiration, leadership, paths to follow, and an example to help them believe that they can succeed.

There are models of excellence in your life who embody the characteristics of healthy, loving relationships that are grounded on a deep understanding of (and commitment to) their individual core values – or what I call Pillars of Purpose. Today's lesson will help you to recognize these characteristics in others, so you can choose romantic partners who posses the values you admire. 

Day 7: The Spark – 75 First Date Prompts For Better Decision Making

Now that you’ve prepared yourself for the romance you want, it's time to put all of these tools into practice in an actual date setting! Do you believe in chemistry and soul mates? Are you unsure of what to discuss on a first date? Have you walked away from a date unsure of where to go next? Day 7 has you covered.

Ditch the technical difficulties of dating and get clarity with 'The Spark: 75 First Date Prompts for Better Decision Making.'

Here you'll find more than 75 first date prompts, get the scoop on what a date really is, and uncover the truth about soul mates and chemistry, along with tips to make dating simple and fun.

Included with this guide is a 90min video with myself and three other professional relationship experts and matchmakers who will help you become a master dater!
 
Enjoy these two snippets from Day 7☟

I often feel saddened and baffled by the paranoia that's associated with being single. There are so many advantages to dating (or not), but often, we become attached to the idea of a relationship or marriage that we invalidate the value of single-hood.

Do you find yourself questioning your standards and priorities? Do you wonder if there are "any good fish left in the sea" or perseverate on the lack of quality dating prospects during friend-time? This type of self-doubt slowly chips away at happiness, and we neglect and ultimately abandon the many other qualities of single-life that should be appreciated. 

Life has a way of "working out" when we accept it on its own terms -- instead of forcing our own agendas. When we resist the natural order, we tend to create experiences and connect with people that are reflective of those very same attributes. In short, unhappy people tend to attract unhappy relationships (or no relationships at all!)."

Happy and successful people aren't just happy and successful because they never give up and have everything their way. They're happy and successful because they also know when to surrender -- they know when to quit and pivot in a new direction (in love and life).

So, how do you do that?

There are patterns we all display in each life domain. You might be wondering, what on earth does that mean? Well, the goal is to figure out what your trends are -- recognize the contributions you make that lead to your life experiences (good and bad). Let's talk specifically about the bad ones. Some mindsets and behaviors we adopt to protect ourselves may not be optimal. The key here is to give up on what's no longer serving you and replace those old habits with more effective/positive ones.

Are you looking for love?

You don't need to be engaged in a romantic relationship to find love. Consider cultivating love where you are right now -- strengthen existing friendships, family relationships, deepen the love you have for yourself. Give up the notion that you are looking for love and attempt to bring love with you - wherever you go.

If attracting love into your life is a challenge, that's OK. I suggest considering ways in which you can give it. If you focus on giving love, you will never be the road-block preventing love from coming in (i.e. visualize a door swinging in and out -- the entryway has no barriers). Are there any barriers blocking your entryway?  

Perhaps most essential, enjoy the journey! There's no possible way to reach a happy ending when you're traveling a miserable journey. 

So, practice with me!

Whether you're a beginner or pro-level meditation junkie, I've put together a "Let It Go" guided meditation for you to practice the calming effects of moving into a true state of surrender. The goal? To appreciate life as it is. Avoid being overly concerned. It's tough to fix and force things in any particular way, so stop trying. Instead, allow things to fall into place...when the time is right!

Click the button below to access my "Let It Go" guided meditation. Enjoy!

Best Life recently asked us for ghosting warning signs. We delivered, and you can see some of our tips on 20 Signs He’s Going to Ghost You -- but, we had more to say! Professional Matchmakers Melissa Rogers, Alyssa Bunn and Kimia Monsoor share their top ghosting warning signs.  

Professional Matchmaker at Tawkify, Melissa Rogers, says beware of the...