The Hong Kong “kink scene”

I have to begin with a bit of context. Hong Kong’s scene is tiny. Tiny. I was actually a little surprised that there was actually one at all. We’re not as sexually conservative as some other East Asian countries, but we’re still fairly sexually conservative in general: no same-sex marriage; a trans woman might be able to get her gender changed on her Hong Kong ID card, but she still can be prevented from marrying her cis boyfriend; if an adult male has anal sex with a person who is under the age of 21, both participants face a life sentence if caught; LGBT material has been subjected to censorship in the media or other public events/forums.

Regarding BDSM, I think most of the time local people just stay in the closet about it. Events-wise, there are only a couple of munches organized by HKBDSMEvents (which I am semi-involved with) and another group; and private parties held at one of the HKBDSMEvents people’s homes once every couple of months or so. There’s also a fairly big pro-domme scene, so I hear, but I haven’t had much contact with that. And there have been a couple fetish-themed parties in clubs around town, but with the theme as merely a gimmick. I didn’t go myself, but I heard from a couple acquaintances that they were just like any other old club party, except with a spanking bench or something, which people kept taking photos in front of and not actually using.

A while back, another of the HKBDSMEvents folk owned a fetish store with an upper floor that was also often used a party venue – they ended up shutting down after they were busted by the police for “running a disorderly house.” The owner ended up winning the case (uh, since she wasn’t doing anything wrong) but lost a lot of money regardless.

So I’d just like you to imagine for a minute how fucking annoying and difficult it is trying to kick up some sort of BDSM community in a climate like this in the first place.

I haven’t actually been to a munch in months. Partially because the kinky areas of my brain have been shut off for a while – most probably because of the same reasons why I haven’t been as active on this blog – but also partially because I’m not sure if the BDSM community here is something I even want to be actively involved with in the first place. Which brings me to…

A little troubleshooting

Right now, the munches are at a pretty stable point. They happen every month and people come and hang out and nothing has gotten fucked up. I’d also like to add that it’s a nice group of people, and I’ve made several friends through it. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t problems. I think that some of these problems are actually common to kink scenes everywhere, since I definitely remember reading posts in many other blogs addressing the same things.

Anyway, here they are:

1. The community is a fairly homogenous one

Specifically – mostly older, white, heterosexual expats. We have a few local and a few non-white people who come to events, but there aren’t many of them. On a certain level, this is to be expected because it’s easier to be open about sexual topics in western cultures than it is in Asian cultures. I’m sure that there are some people who thought about coming and then decided not to because of shyness or because they’re in the closet and were worried about running into someone they knew en route to the event, or something. But I do think that we aren’t doing enough to reach out or make our events into events that non-western people would be comfortable coming to. I haven’t the first clue about how to do that, though. I’ve thought of translating our site into Chinese, but I can’t really think of anything else.

Besides that, we also have a dearth of younger people (i.e. under 30), queer people, and single women. I remember a couple of women who came to events without a partner, once or twice, but most of the women who come already have a partner, and come with that partner (all hetero couples, too, naturally). Actually, the last munch one of my friends called me and asked me to come because the event that evening was full of dudes with no women. Not exactly encouraging…

All of this can’t be a coincidence.

2. The community is more oriented towards more “traditional” ways of doing kink, which I don’t necessarily like

I use the word “traditional” because I don’t know how else to describe it. I’d like to find a better word, but I suppose this will do for now.

By “traditional kink” I mean:

• expecting everyone to have clear-cut roles (dom, sub, etc)

Personally, I don’t think I have a set role. I tend to claim the label “versatile” or “fluid”, if any at all.¹ It’s not like I have a problem with roles in general, but I do have a problem when it’s basically presented as a requirement. People who are new to kink might not know what they identify as yet; others might be into kink but not have a role at all; and others, like me, might have multiple roles depending on the situation. Most of the people I became friends with through the munches are actually quite hard to pin down when it comes to roles. They’re either straight-up switches, or they mostly top but like bottoming once in a while, or they’re dominants but are also experience junkies who like pierce play or being suspended by flesh hooks or whatever.

• enjoying BDSM = dressing in fetishwear

Same as above – I don’t have a problem with fetishwear itself, but I have a problem with it being almost like a requirement. I do enjoy wearing corsets and leather and crazy spiked heels sometimes – I kind of love all of those things, in fact – but I don’t want to wear them every time I play. Like I’ve mentioned before, I actually feel most comfortable domming in jeans and a tank top, and I’m somewhat annoyed by the popular perception of a domme as this ice queen in a corset and thong and 6″ heels. Again, it’s not the image itself that annoys me, but the perception that all dominant women must dress that way, and if you don’t – well, then you must not be a real domme! (Which is, of course, complete bullshit.)

And, of course, most people come to play parties in fetishwear. Which is fine, in itself, but the play party dresscode was recently changed to “fetishwear or all black”, and I heard through the grapevine that the organizer had changed it because some of the guests had been complaining about being watched while playing by people dressed in regular street clothes, which made them suspicious of the watchers’ intents (i.e. maybe they’re fake kinksters and are just here to get dirt on people!) or made them feel like animals in a zoo or something. Why not just dedicate a couple rooms in the venue to people who prefer playing privately, then? (Although, if you prefer playing privately you can just do it at home instead…) I didn’t hear this from the organizer directly, though, so this might not be the case, but if it is the case then it’s kind of silly.

3. Women are always the ones on display, regardless of their “role”

This is also connected to the popular assumption of woman = submissive, man = dominant; and to the invisibility or perceived undesirability of the male submissive. (Source 1; source 2) I have to point out that I don’t mind women’s bodies being on display… but I want to see more men on display and playing the coy, attracting role, as well…

Some examples:

• I know of a number of male subs who go to munches, but only two female dommes. I only know one female-domme-male-sub couple. I’ve seen male-dom-female-sub scenes at play parties countless times, but I’ve only ever actually witnessed a woman topping once – and she was topping another woman. I’ve never seen a man bottom at any of these parties… although I have frequently seen the aforementioned male sub do tasks for his mistress, like fetching her drinks and other errands. At one point I started looking for male sub acquaintances I could top at one of the parties (this was before my boyfriend L was here), just so that there would be such a scene happening, for once.
• At the parties, I frequently saw naked, scantily clad, or otherwise seductively-dressed women; women dressed in such a way that would make them the “attractors”. I never saw any of the men dressed up in a “sexy” manner that showed off their bodies… unless they were cross-dressing.
• At one party, I pulled a Maymay and tried to count all the paintings and sculptures in the venue that depicted naked women. I think I got up to 11 or so? Definitely not a hard number – I wasn’t really keeping a tally and I was having conversations and doing other things at the same time. But I’m pretty confident about the number. There were no similar images of men. Since the party was taking place in the home of a male-dom-female-sub couple, though, I can hardly fault them for putting up art that they like. It’s their home after all.
• Overheard remarks, mostly from straight male doms, like “everything’s better if a naked girl is involved!”, when two topless girls were brought into an introductory workshop/demo type thing at one of the parties; and a discussion about a potential pony play session on a nearby beach where it was automatically assumed that all the pony girls would be women. What about some cute pony boys, I thought…

These are the big three. There are a few more changes that I’d like to see, but those are more just personal preferences of mine, not changes that should happen because the existing model is problematic.

But creating an inclusive, inviting space takes time, energy and effort

The trouble with problematic communities is that they perpetuate themselves. E.g. a certain type of person is more likely to come to a space if there are already people like them there; they are less likely to want to come if people like them are not there, or not made welcome there.

This quote – actually about including PoCs in fat acceptance activism – sums it up well:

Creating a project or atmosphere of any kind that is welcoming to people of color involves more than an invitation to participate. That’s the tiniest step you can take in getting people of color involved. What you actually have to do – and if you don’t know how, that’s again why google is so very useful – is make your project or atmosphere actually welcoming. You have to create a space that invites diverse people to participate without fear of ridicule or hatred.

That is hard damned work. And I don’t think anyone is perfect at it.

- The Rotund

To get more young people, more queer people, more non-white people, more women and more non-traditional folk – and many more, besides – we will have to actively cultivate a space that is comfortable and welcoming to these people. And that takes dedication. And I can’t be the only one trying to do it, because if it’s just me it’ll be useless, not to mention exhausting. And, to be honest, I really don’t know if I have enough time and energy for something like this, especially when I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t be sure of a positive outcome. It might just end up being an abortive attempt to bring more people like me to the local BDSM community – maybe it would be easier for me to just find a different community altogether.

I think it’s important for Hong Kong to have some sort of BDSM community, since there’s so little in the way of alternative sexualities here – but a kink community that conforms to the same problematic systems as many others around the globe, or something that’s entirely new and different?

1. I dislike the label “switch” – more on that later.

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• Eiffel-towering a guy with another guy. Specifically: me and L co-topping another guy. Most likely I’d be pegging him while he’d be blowing L.
• Being fucked by somebody else while on the phone with L, describing what’s going on & letting him listen in. This is all thanks to a Watchmen fanfic I read where Dan fucks Laurie while she’s on the phone with Rorschach.
• Fisting someone. Thanks to the Watchmen kinkmeme, yet again.
• Footfucking someone. After a conversation with M where I was talking about how much I wanted to feel what it is like to penetrate someone with a penis. I posited that maybe footfucking would be the closest I could get since I have very sensitive feet. Probably not true, but the idea continues to pique my interest.
• Shoe/boot worship. C’mon, we all know I already have an excessive love of shoes as it is.
• Bathing & dressing someone else. 
• Helping a guy cross-dress, e.g. putting makeup on him or brushing/combing his hair.
• Wearing a spandex head-mask while masturbating. Possibly pushing it up above my nose, and then taking it off altogether towards the end. I can’t really picture myself doing this with another person, both because I’d be too self-conscious, and because another person’s involvement isn’t really necessary. I think this idea sprang into my head due to my recent obsession with Deadpool, but I remember wearing a face-mask once and feeling oddly safe and comforted by having a large part of my face covered. And there’s this piquant sense of mystery about someone engaging in a sexual act while having a part of their face covered, or having their face covered, period.
• Getting fucked while dressed up in full dandy guydrag. For quite a while, I’ve been wanting to fuck with my gender presentation a little bit and purchase a tomboy/masculine wardrobe to go alongside my feminine one. Apparently I tend towards dressy masculine clothing just like I tend towards dressy feminine clothing, because I find myself wanting to dress in suits and ties and waistcoasts and pointy-toed loafers. Obviously, soon afterwards I began wondering about what it would be like to get fucked while dressed like this.¹
• Doing vanilla things while I’m tied up. Specifically while in a chest harness, with my arms tied behind my back. I generally like having my upper body tied more than my lower body, probably because I can do more with my hands than with my legs, or because I value being able to manipulate things with my hands more than I value being able to move around from place to place with my legs. I had a little adventure with this at the last play party I went to, where M did some suspension work with me, then left me in the chest harness  for a bit. I managed to turn on one of the bathroom taps and take a drink of water; pick up my wine cup, which was on the floor; scale a set of stairs to the upper floor² where everyone else was socializing; and find someone to help me pour some wine into my cup and put the cup to my lips so I could have a drink. I like being able to see how much I can do on my own without the use of my hands, but I also really like being helped by others. Which brings me to…
• Someone messily feeding me or giving me a drink while I’m tied up. I have this very specific scenario of me in the chest harness, at a play party, and L feeding me a spoonful of a creamy-textured dessert, or giving me a drink of wine/champagne, and “accidentally” smearing some on my cheek or spilling some down my chin. I really dislike messy eating, and I frequently wipe my mouth and hands with my napkin when I eat. But with my hands tied, I’d obviously have to ask L to wipe my face for me. Meanwhile, I would be a little embarrassed at appearing “messy” in front of other people. And then I picture L picking up a napkin, smirking, and then setting the napkin on the table so that I’d have to walk over and awkwardly rub my face against it in order to get clean again.
• Getting fucked/fondled while asleep or getting fucked/fondled awake.

1. Coupled with the mask thing above, I’m a hop, skip and a jump away from wanting to get fucked while dressed like Rorschach. And I… don’t really want to mentally go there right now, because… what the fuck, self.
2. This was a terrible idea, and I advise against doing this. I could have seriously hurt myself if I had fallen over.

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The Tease doesn’t have any of the amenities of high-end vibes: no locking device, not rechargeable, only one setting/speed. This toy is practically rustic. And yet it knocks my other pin-point vibrators, like the Lelo Mia and the bswish bcurious, out of the water, easily. I think this has something to do with how the tip of the toy isn’t a solid point; it’s more like a miniature feeler. And because the tip is so light, it doesn’t just vibrate – it shivers back and forth very quickly; a sensation I’m finding that I like quite a bit better than straight-up vibrations. This shape works wonderfully well for me, as well: my clit is very sensitive, and there is one tiny spot that’s even more sensitive than the rest of it, so I can set the feeler against that spot and orgasm in, like, ten seconds.

The Tease is also as cute as hell. I mean, it’s lime green, for heaven’s sake. This color was one of Tantus’ original neon offerings, which they brought back as a promo, stating that if sales went well, they would start offering those colors again. I suppose the lime green must have been popular. Its shape makes it look like a little alien thingy, and makes for easy grip due to the dip around the middle.

Cute and powerful as it may be, however, it is still a bullet vibe in a silicone sleeve, and comes with all the usual caveats of bullet vibes: a low, yet clearly discernible buzzing noise, high-intensity¹, difficult-to-find N-batteries. Although this bullet is (supposedly) longer lasting than regular bullets, you’ll still have to deal with changing the batteries or the bullet itself eventually. The toy came with the bullet already inserted into the sleeve. It must be a pretty long bullet, since the entire toy is stiff and immovable except for the tip. I tried pulling the bullet out, but try as I might, it stayed put. And I didn’t want to get violent with the thing for fear of wrecking my new beloved.

Size comparison. From left: Fun Factory Gigolo, Tantus Tease, and Lelo Mia.

The Tease is part of Tantus’ new-ish Little Secrets line (perhaps the company’s answer to Toyfriends?), which includes four other equally adorable and colorful silicone sleeves + bullet vibes. What I’d really like is the option to purchase the Little Secrets as sleeves alone. I’m very curious as to how the Tease would work in conjunction with my new Lelo Mia 2.0. IMHO, Tantus’ thing is definitely producing well-made, pretty, silicone toys, so maybe making sleeves for bullet-styled toys would make sense? Like how Vixen makes attachments for the Hitachi? I guess the problem with that idea would be that the Tease is quite a bit longer than a regular bullet, there is no “go-to”, well done bullet that I know of, and bullet toys are available in subtly different shapes², so a one-size-fits-all deal would probably be out of the question. …But I still want to try pairing the Tease with the Mia, dammit!

On top of all this? All the Little Secrets only cost ~$30. So if you can’t afford to splurge on a luxury vibe that may cost $50+, purchase a Little Secret and get a good bang for your buck.

To sterilize the Tease, you can wipe it with 10% bleach solution. If you put it in the top shelf of the dishwasher with no soap, or boil it for 5 minutes, you’ll have to take the bullet out, so I don’t recommend these modes of cleaning. Silicone toys are not compatible with silicone lubes.

Edited 12/7/11: Corrected after a representative at Tantus confirmed to me that Tantus does not make any electronic components, including bullets, but sources them from elsewhere.

Thanks, Tantus!

1. Well, for me, anyway; but then I’m the vibrations-wimp who uses Lelo toys on only the third or forth intensity level.
2. Compare the Lelo Mia with the Ohmibod with the X-treme Pack G-spot Bullet, for instance.

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Photo courtesy of A Bedroom Blog

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If this blog is “about” anything (besides sexuality, that is), it’s about my vulnerabilities. I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex.

• Because I was in love with the other person. – And I either thought sex would help make them fall in love with me (worst idea ever)¹, or that it would help forge a romantic relationship (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t) or because the other person didn’t love me back, but I wanted to get as close to them as possible. And if a close friendship + fuck buddies was “as close as I could get”, well…
• Because I wanted to become friends with someone, or because I thought they were interesting and I wanted to get to know them better. – This has actually worked a few times, I’m became friends with a handful of my friends after hooking up with them first. At one point, I was more confident with flirting and with my sexuality than I was with simply approaching someone and trying to strike up a conversation with them. Sex came to me more easily so I… used it as an “icebreaker”.² Not to say that I wasn’t attracted to those people – I was, in a way – but I probably would have preferred keeping things platonic. I don’t think my social skills have really improved all that much, but I am at least making a conscious effort to not shove things into a sexual context just because it’s the easiest thing to do.
• Because I liked that people knew me as “that freaky sexual guru who slept with everyone.” - This was only true at my fraternity. Until that point in my life I had only ever been known as “that creepy, awkward girl who doesn’t talk to anyone” or “that nerdy pushover who will help me with my homework if I annoy her enough.” Being known as “that promiscuous kinkster” was… a nice change of pace. Through osmosis, I sort of subconsciously believed that having a lot of sex is “cool” – at least cooler than being a big ol’ nerd – which I consciously think is just silly, because no type of sexual behavior makes you “better” or “cooler”, it’s simply a matter of preference. Eventually, being known for being promiscuous/sexual was just as irritating as being known for the other two things. All three of them are true – they are parts of who I am – but considered by themselves, they are all incredibly one-dimensional. It’s like people saw me as a parody or a caricature of myself.
• Because I missed one of my other lovers. - This happened a couple of times – the first time, I was fucking person X but thinking about person Y and missed them so much that I burst into tears, and then hurriedly left. Obviously, person X was very worried about me the next day. The second time, I was fucking person X but imagining person Y in their place and felt so guilty about it that I – that’s right – left. Do I even need to explain why this was terribly unfair to everyone involved?
• Because I was lonely. - I think everyone has done this at some point.
• Because I was horny and the other person was “just there.” - See above.
• Because I was attracted to person X, but person X would only have sex with me as a two-for-one deal with person Y. - This only happened to me once, with two guy friends who I was on a foreign trip with. I was horribly attracted to person X, but was not attracted to person Y, like… at all. But they only seemed interested in having sex with me if they could sandwich me. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t unpleasant per se, just… strange.
• Because I was feeling insecure and needed a self-esteem boost; I needed to feel “valuable.” - The control; knowing that someone’s attention is riveted on you at least for a few minutes… However, after it’s over I was more or less back to square one, and it didn’t solve the underlying problem that I, well, had low self-esteem. Seeking validation through sex… just… no.
• Because I couldn’t be bothered to say that I wasn’t really all that into it.
• Because I thought that once I started touching the other person’s genitals, I had entered into some sort of binding contract that meant I had to then have oral/penetrative sex with them. - I have no idea why I thought this for so long. I was never even coerced/persuaded by any of my partners, I just… believed it. It seems so ridiculous now. As to how/why I realized that it wasn’t true – I have no idea about that, either. It just hit me one day – while I was making out with someone and knowing that I didn’t want to do anything besides just make out – that wow, I don’t actually have to do anything that I don’t really feel like doing!

1. I say this because you can’t “make” anyone fall in love with you – either they will or they won’t. The most you can do is spend time with them and then let them know you’re interested. The focus isn’t on the sex itself, here, I think trying to make someone fall in love with you in any way is doomed to fail. It’s also kind of disrespectful, to say the least.
2. While typing this I’m aware of how messed up that sounds but… well, it’s the truth.

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