Sharon Brani's Blog

Knowing Your Child

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 11:49:58 -0400

It can not be said enough. Knowing adopted your child, knowing their heart, must come before focusing on their behavior. It is all too easy to allow the behavior to hook us into actions, consequences, etc. By doing that we might easily miss the heart of our child and forfeit another opportunity to build a stronger relationship.

Knowing the heart of your child must be done intentionally and consistently. It takes time. Build frequent one on one times with your child. Sometimes just a trip in the car to do an errand can be transformed into a special bonding time. Meal times also can be used to promote discussions revealing the heart of your child. Playing together gives your child an opportunity in a playful context to relate with their parents/

For me, knowing my child (children) takes studying him/her diligently. Children are all different. They have their own unique personality. The wonder grows as we spend time to grow deeper into know them, appreciating their developmental stage and also the context of that child within the whole family system.

Spend time intentionally focusing on knowing your adopted child. It will make all the difference in your parenting.

Vacations, Airplanes and Adoption

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 20:47:16 -0400

Just a few hours ago I arrived home from a vacation in Maine. Each year I take my two daughters to York Beach Maine where we enjoy the simple life for a week. Simple. Not rugged. We stay in a lovely room right on the beach. All through the night we can hear the ocean rolling in and out. We walk everywhere as we have no car. So no matter what the weather we walk. My two daughters love it and so do I. It�s a time of renewal and refreshment.

Coming home this time on the plane was a couple with a little daughter who looked to be about seven months old. She cried and cried. It brought back memories of my flights home after adopting my daughters from Russia. One was about seven months old when I brought her home. Thankfully she took the flight extremely well sleeping most of the way and when awake just made eyes at the men. My other daughter was two at the time of her trip home. She too flew beautifully being curious about everything. No tears. No upsets.

But not all adopted children handle transitions and change well. Parents who adopt learn to know their child and to prepare for the unexpected. That continues throughout the parenting journey, doesn�t it? Life happens and when it does we must focus on what we know and parent with confidence. How do we get that confidence? There are many ways some of which are consulting with professional resources such as physicians, counselors, coaches, support groups, spiritual resources, books, research, etc.

Hold onto the truth that you will be given all you need to parent your child. I do believe that. If you want to speak with a coach who has had personal experience in working with adopted children call me at 540-825-1134. Working together will make a difference.

Where Is Your Confidence?

Sun, 31 May 2009 19:50:37 -0400

Parenting your adopted child is like nothing else. There are many rewards and countless precious moments. But there are also challenges to be faced and questions which beg for answers. Where do you turn when you don�t know what to do?

Our world emphasizes brains, money and beauty. Society esteems independence and success. So what do you do as a parent when you don�t have the answers and you don�t know what to do?

The only place to turn is to the Lord. He will give wisdom to those who seek Him. He will lead the way for those who choose to follow Him. He still heals and gives hope to the hopeless. Yes, God is faithful.

So if you are having one of those days where you just don�t know what to do, take some time to be still and look to Him. Get help from those who are familiar with adoption issues. Seek guidance from experienced counselor, coaches and professionals. And most of all, seek Him. He will never fail you.

If you are facing parenting challenges as you raise your adopted child, give me a call at 540-825-1134. Together we will find solutions. You were not meant to struggle alone.

The Burden Bearer

Sun, 17 May 2009 20:06:30 -0400

Do you ever feel inadequate in your ability to parent your adopted child? Have you ever fallen to your knees in absolute surrender pleading for God to give you what you need? Are your struggles and questions ever so intense that sometimes you feel your situation is impossible?

Every parent faces times of doubt and struggle. And some children are more challenging to raise then others. So what do you do when you feel caught between a rock and a hard place? You give it all to the Burden Bearer.

I�ll never forget that trip home from Russia in December 1993. The plane was unexpectedly delayed in Frankfurt overnight. There I was alone with my seven month old newly adopted baby girl. Frantically I counted the bottles of formula and diapers worrying that I wouldn�t have enough to get us home.

And that wasn�t my biggest fear.

My body was exhausted from the long adoption process. Walking down the long corridors in the busy airport my legs began to tremble and trickles of sweat ran down my weary face. I didn�t know how I would make it to the terminal while carrying all my luggage.

I sensed within the strange thought to ask someone for help.

So looking around I did ask almost pleading for help. But people continued to pass me on the right and left intent on getting where they needed to go.

Then I saw him.

A small built man carrying only a brief case.

�Do you need help?� he asked coming up to my side.

In a few words I explained my desperate situation. He quickly picked up my bags and we were suddenly racing together to get to the terminal on time. I was breathing heavily when we arrived at the gate.

When I turned to say thanks he was gone. Yes, as unexpectedly as he had come, he disappeared. My Burden Bearer had carried my luggage safely until I could manage it on my own.

Today, no matter what parenting challenge you are facing, give it to your Burden Bearer.

He is more than able to not only carry it but to also give you the resources you need to help you. He is always near just waiting for you to call.

More often than not speaking to a coach or counselor who is familiar with your parenting challenges does help to lighten the load. Call to day 540-825-1134. Remember, there is always hope.

Musings on Mother's Day

Wed, 13 May 2009 13:25:17 -0400

I will never forget that day in 1993 when I became Mom. I had waited and waited it seemed like for ages but when it finally came on December 24 I felt very small, inadequate and overwhelmingly grateful. As I looked at this little bundle of love with dancing brown eyes and olive skin I was captivated by her beauty. Hmm, I still am. Once more this Mother�s Day I gave thanks to the One Who planned it all from the beginning. I gave praise to the One Who continues to give me wisdom and guidance for each step, each stage of parenting.

This year our Mother�s Day was different. Nana is now in heaven and we miss her quiet presence and loving ways. The girls and I went to the cemetery, placed a lovely wreathe of blue, yellow and white flowers there and had a sweet time of remembering. Then we celebrated by eating cheeseburgers, fries and birthday cake. It was Papa�s birthday and we helped him celebrate his day.

Everyone has a birthday. A time when their life began on earth. Some families celebrate it by a big meal, lots of friends, etc. We usually begin the day with singing the birthday song over the phone so we called Papa can sang to him. Adoption softens the heart and my girls are both sensitive to loss. Their hearts go out to their Papa who is now facing life without his partner of 62 years. Their love and care are the healing balm that helps him face each day.

Always I whisper a quiet prayer for the women who gave birth to my two precious treasures. Both girls are thriving in every way. It is a joy to see and oftentimes I wish that I could communicate that to her heart. Loss opened up the way for adoption. Out of pain came beauty. Out of ashes came beauty and so much joy.

It is always so when we give it time and allow God to work. The pains of today only prepare our hearts to give even more to others. It seems to work that way.

So thank you mothers wherever you are for loving and caring for your precious adopted children. They are special gifts from the Fathers Hand. It may not be easy but it is good. And He will faithfully guide as all along the way.

Raising Confident Kids

Wed, 06 May 2009 14:55:51 -0400

The story is told of a wise man who trained horses by building relationships with them. Day after day the man spoke with the horses individually and developed a special closeness with each one. He not only stroked the horses gently but also stretched out on them allowing the horses to get very comfortable with him. Ah, it was beautiful to see how they grew to trust the beloved Master. Sometimes the wise trainer would even allow a distraction or loud sound to occur in order to teach the horses to be calm and focused on him no matter what.

As a parent it is very important to teach our children to grow confident and secure. Life challenges us on every front. Financial struggles, health difficulties, grief and loss, school challenges � all kinds of things are threatening today�s families. Like the wise Master who knew his horses, we must continue to build strong relationships with our children one day at a time. Time spent together, focused attention, listening to the hearts of our children, and building many memories create secure bonds of love which hold our children steady through all the ups and downs of life.

The horse liked to keep his eye on the Master. Our children learn to keep their eyes on the parent who has worked to build the loving relationship. Adopted children came to us as a result of a loss of some kind. It takes the wisdom of a �Master� parent to day by day build a trusting relationship which their child can depend on throughout their life. This is not always easy. It often takes alot of work.Many days might go by before you see even a glimmer of a bond growing but it is well worth the effort.

You might want to speak with a coach, someone who has worked with adopted children. If so, please give me a call at 540-825-1134.I would be glad to speak with you. May this week be an exciting week of relationship building for you and your family.

A Simple Word

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 12:22:52 -0400

Children are so important. It is just too easy to ignore their needs and push them aside.

And although some children are demanding and make sure that someone gives them attention, too many just want to please their parents and will go along for years not sharing their hearts.

My two children have recently experience the loss of their beloved grandmother. They ache when they smell lavender lotion which reminds them of Nana. They constantly talk about Fridays with Nana when we would all go out to lunch. Years ago she would walk briskly into the restaurant. Then she began to use her cane and for the past few years I pushed her in the wheelchair. But no matter how we had to change it, Friday was lunch with Nana.

Children like routine. They love consistency and knowing what to expect. So what did they opt for this past Friday? You are right. Lunch with Papa. With all the gusto that kids can muster they quickly made those Five Guy burgers and fries disappear. Laughter filled the room. Peace was on their faces.

So what was the word? Maybe it was one or two well chosen words and times when I asked each one of them �How are you?� And I meant it. For that moment I put aside my own hurt and loss and attended to them. I listened as they shared their sadness. I cared.

How thankful I am to know the importance of tending the heart of a child. Just letting children know that you care makes all the difference in their life and growth.

So make sure that you not only hug your child today but also listen to their hearts. Point them to the One Who will always be there for them. Be the reassurance and peace they need. In so doing your own hurts will begin to heal too. Remember the power of a simple word.

Helping Adopted Children Grieve

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 11:35:39 -0400

Adopted children have already experienced loss in their lives. So when they encountered a new loss they need even more help to grieve and then move forward. There are things that parents can do to build a spirit of resilience in their children. It is important to talk with them about their grief and loss, help their children learn to cry and help them to find positive ways to express their feelings �physical activities, praying and crying.

Talking with our children about their past and their sense of loss is so important. Listening to them share their feelings. Being there for them and growing in our understanding of them encourage them to share even more.

Adopted children to not always know how to cry. My youngest is clearly asensitive girl. She did not know how to cry in the beginning. It took times ofshowing her my tears and talking about the importance of letting ourselves cryfor her to begin to let herself cry. Many times the environment where our children first lived not only did not encourage tears but also probably discouraged them.

It�s also important for children to learn ways to express their feelings. Physical activities provide a healthy outlet for our children to work out their feelings. Teaching them to pray and express their hearts to their Heavenly Father Who cares for them soothes their aching souls. Journaling and drawing their feelings also are helpful activities which give adopted children a way to work out their grief.

No two children are the same. Get to know your child and help them to work through their grief. Children are amazing. Listen to them and in the process you too will learn. I always do.

Parenting Through the Grief Process

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:41:07 -0400

Our beloved Nana died last Tuesday, April 7, 2009. She, who had been such an important part of our lives, will always be missed. Dealing with my own grief as well as the pain of my two daughters has been a daily process which will continue for some time. God is faithfully carrying us through and in the midst of the pain there are still glimpses of joy.

Grief is messy. It hits you when you least expect it. With that in mind I'm taking extra time to spend with my daughters. Together we talk and cry and remember. All too often parents get caught up in their own loss and they fail to see the needs of their children. My girls have needed long talks on Mommy�s bed, extra patience and a relaxed pace.

I not only give them permission to cry but I also allow myself to cry with them. Research shows that what is not grieved out will come out in our bodies other ways. We have continued to laugh and take long walks. We have allowed others to support us as well.

The glimmers of joy surprise us. Sometimes it�s a kind note or a neighbor bringing by an apple pie. Sometimes it�s a thoughtful message left on our phone. Sometimes it�s a big hug or someone just choosing to �be there�. The joy fills out moments like sunshine flooding a dark room.

We will continue to open our lives to receive the joy that is there. We will focus on all that was gift in Nana�s life. Through these days we will become stronger and even more prepared to comfort others.

Life is gift. May we all hold our precious children tenderly knowing they all belong to Him, the author of Life.

Spiritual care for Adopted Children

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 20:05:23 -0400

The past eight weeks have been a difficult but also meaningful part of my journey. My sweet mom, dear Nana, went from the hospital back to her beloved home. There she graced our lives from the hospital bed. My daughters and I spent lots of time with her. and now
even as I am writing this
her life is coming to an end.

I have been learning a lot lately not only about this stage of life but also ways to help children grieve. More than ever I realize the importance of spiritual care for our children.

We are all different. Children are different not only in size and personality but in oh so many ways. My oldest daughter whom I adopted from Russia at 6 months old has a bright, social personality. During these difficult days, weeks and months it has been very important for her to continue to be with people. Activities with friends have helped her to keep focused on life. Without that her heart would have been ripped in pieces.

My youngest daughter is more introspective. She thinks deeply, ponders, slowly and enjoys quiet moments of reflection. She has spent time with me often coloring another picture or talking about the hurt of losing Nana. From the time I brought her home at two almost three years old she spent a lot of time with her grandparents. They showered her with love and affection.

Nana,although limited physically, entered Jenny�s world of homeschooling. Together they enjoyed Bible class and Arithmetic.

Yes, we have cried together and laughed together. Life will never be the same for us here. But God will provide for our every need. I have no doubt about that.

Throughout life, no matter what you are facing, make sure to meet the spiritual needs of your children. I will share more about this in my next blog.