// heather lorraine //

CRYSTAL + BRENT

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Sat, 27 Jul 2013 00:39:00 +0000

in 2013

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 03:20:00 +0000

it would be nice to..

// WANDER //

"the journey is my home" - muriel rukeyser

"what you seek is seeking you" - RUMI

// CREATE //

posters * portraits * space

// PHOTOGRAPH //

dancers * bands * places

// WRITE //

my memoir

// MOVE //

forward

christmas // utah family photographer

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 23:43:00 +0000

moving again // texas

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 20:51:00 +0000

well, i moved again. i'm in katy, tx. give me a shout if you're interested in a photo shoot - you know you need a new family picture for christmas cards, or senior portraits.
on to new adventures.

being heard // assets and liabilities

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 18:25:00 +0000

confession, the number 1 fear that rules my life is any variation of this: being unheard (misunderstood, invalidated, ignored, rejected, etc.. ISSUES, am i right?).

i am a sensitive soul, prone to bruising, ripping, bleeding. that's why i grovel and become a pathetic mess when i am afraid that what i'm afraid of is HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. that angst is also why i have the gift of creating beauty and art.

so, we have a list of liabilities and assets, which frequently are different sides of the same coin, if you will. my assets include sensitivity, compassion, intelligence, artistic expression, and discernment. on this side of the list, i see that i have a lot going for me- i attract people, i'm loved, i know how to be a friend, i'm sincere, i create beauty, i am able to creatively navigate life, and my gut lets me know who to let in and when.

on the flip side, my sensitivity and compassion are a breeding ground for codependency which breeds unhealthy relationships, and can become cesspools of resentment and self-victimization in my heart. intelligence gets in the way of letting go and letting god (as they say), and sometimes i falsely believe whatever my head tells me, blinding me to reality or truth. my discernment makes my conscience really loud, and regret is more biting when i ignore my gut.

so what do i do, knowing these things about myself? i have people i'm accountable to, friends who refuse to co-sign my bull and call me out on it, i journal and meditate, and i attempt to make myself at home in the present moment. when i have goals, i can see more clearly where i might get in the way of myself, and also how i can achieve what i'm aiming for; machine gun.

being brave enough to accept my light and face my darkness gives me the power to direct my life. listen, we all have characteristics that get us through and also trip us up, it's called being human. the hard part is deciding to accept it, learn about ourselves, and then do something about it. in this way, we become the ocean, rather than the driftwood.

what are your assets and liabilities? they can be equally difficult to discover, admit, and acknowledge, AND, it's what helps us own our humanity while forgiving and loving ourselves in the process.

becoming // it's personal

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 03:39:00 +0000

a while ago i shared about shaving my head and have since shared a bit more about what it meant to me. it's time for an update, people.

obviously my hair is not long. however, after being nearly-bald the two inches i've grown now make me feel like rapunzel up there. i've had to increase my shampoo rations from dime to nickel-sized blobs- girl grows up.

i went through this period between cutting my hair super-short and eventually buzzing it off where every 2 weeks i would start attacking my hair. the 2 week interval wasn't planned, it was just around that point where i would get really anxious and act out with scissors. i probably should have been heavily medicated (what did they do with britney when she went ~~psychotic~~ bald?) but what the hell, i was finding myself. there is so much energy in our hair, and as i cut it off the first time i felt like chains were literally falling off my body and i was maybe going to float away. after i shaved it i finally realized that's why i'd kept attacking it- i hadn't really done the deal. since then i've only slightly trimmed it but for the most part i've left it alone.

i feel like i'm growing with my hair. this week the faux hawk came down, and i may or may not have had moist eyes ("moist"- ew/cringe) - see, ever since i cut it off, my hair hasn't been about what i look like. it's been about defense. it's been about vulnerability. it's been about discovery.

anyway, i've pretty consistently had a bit of a spike (minus the bald period), this is what it's been about: "KEEP AWAY! just give me a REASON and i will grind your pathetic face in gravel and then KILL you (accompanied by jerky hand gestures to emphasize the significant words like "gravel" and "kill" and show you how tough i am ~~not~~)."

that makes me sound mean. in a way, i've been a bit bristly (although in comparison to the meek and mousy version of myself while i was a raging codependent, i'm gonna seem that way regardless). i guess you can kind of compare it to an injured bunny that morphed into a rabid pitbull someone just stabbed.

you get the picture:

me before = bunny
me during intense trauma therapy = rabid animal
me finally coming into myself = hungry bear awakening from hibernation?

i like the comparison of me to a bear. those beasts are cra and by cra i mean amazing. they're known for being deadly protective of the babies, but they don't go around raging at the world all the time to prove they're capable of ripping out a trachea or popping a couple of lungs after opening some wretch's chest. they know they can take care of themselves if need be, so for the most part they just ramble around enjoying grass and berries or whatever, playing in rivers, being awesome. plus, nobody messes with a bear. not even lions. well maybe lions, if they lived on the same terrain (but i make up they could hold their own in that hypothetical situation).

so if you've caught the drift of my metaphor, this is the part where i say goodbye to my spiky hair and hello to whatever it grows into next- like me. goodbye old heart-hurts, hello possibility. i can be a ranting raging foam-spitting lunatic if i need to be, but no sense in acting like a wounded animal when all really is well, 'cause i'm not anymore.

magazine inspiration

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 18:49:00 +0000

usually i turn to the www for inspiration, pinterest for collecting it, and blogger for sharing. occasionally i need to hold art in my hands and visually devour the tangible work. enter magazines. i'm not really a fan of fashion magazines, they are self esteem demolishers, like wrecking balls on a house on fire. it's sad, really, what with all the glorified ~~12 year old boys~~ models wearing $400 jeans and $700 bikinis (what the ****? seriously? there are starving people in 3rd world countries being ravaged by war and you're spending $700 on designer triangles that tie around your privates?? i mean, come on).
anyway, aside from not being a fan of the content, there is a lot of amazing photography and inspiration in the pages, you just have to look really hard. sometimes i need a magazine to flip through because where there is inspiration, it's so much better than a digital image.
nowadays people want fast, digital, and the freedom to print crap quality pictures from walmart (this destroys the artistic intention by the way- you get what you pay for). i've tried multiple times to sell my images in print, but it hasn't worked out- i've submitted to convenience, but eventually i want to go back to the feel of a real photographs and insist on prints that are true to my art.
off the soapbox and back to inspiration, this morning i enjoyed my coffee while flipping through a magazine to pull images to collage with. i have collages all over my walls, the inspiration surrounds me and compels me to create and be true to my passions.

instagram!

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 18:52:00 +0000

here's sharing inspiration in the form of notable instagram feeds:

1. @jonathanr
2. @buyitinpacks
3. @stanflan
4. @ammatias
5. @braillegold
6. @andrewedwards_
7. @gotthatswing
8. @cubbygraham
9. @benjhaisch

and if you want to be a pal, follow ME here.

in transit

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 23:08:00 +0000

moved to prescott valley last weekend. we still don't have internet so my posting has been limited. quick update, i'm working and it's going pretty well considering. my schedule is fantastic, i have a consistent 3 day weekend- and by that i mean there are still 3 days i can work on my photography and blog.. when i have internet. :)

coming soon: shannon part 2, how to get inspired when feeling sucked into the black vortex of a blank mind, and a cheery share about the state of flow and how to find yours.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

shannon // prescott, arizona portrait photographer

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 23:42:00 +0000

just a preview of a spontaneous shoot last night with my dear, beautiful friend. more to come, photoshop is bugging out on me at the moment.

jonathan rosser // brilliant

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 04:11:00 +0000

occasionally i come across an image that literally (Literally) takes my breath away. tonight, the image that did this was one taken by jonathan rosser:

by the way, it's an iphone photo. did that information make your jaw drop just a little bit more? it was one of the weekly selects from the vsco blog.

my blog roll is saturated with brilliant wedding photographers and honestly i've gotten weary of wedding images. tonight i was about to turn in when i happened to see this image. it's the kind of thing that makes my heart beat wildly and make my head spin with the overwhelming creative and beautiful X factor that jumpstarts my own passion and creativity.

i wasn't planning on blogging tonight and then i couldn't help myself. i am on fire with the consuming obsession to pull out my camera. my creative life has been starving recently, there's been a lack of inspiration therefore motivation. i may run out tomorrow after work and shoot the whole town.

i'm baaack // words about dependency

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 07:16:00 +0000

you may be asking what happened to my creative momentum on this site the past week. um:

- got new job
- training for said job
- figuring out living arrangement
- sniveling about ~~hobo/homeless~~ bohemian gypsy lifestyle to anyone with an ear and 5 hours of pity
- relapse in my raging addiction to desperate housewives (i'm on season 7, dude)
- thrift store binges

most of my adult life i have complained about dependency. it infuriates me to no end to be dependent on anyone for anything- having to admit that i have needs and admitting that i can't be 100% independent of the human race. i have an enormously obscene and fragile ego which needs constant affirmation, and when i alone am insufficient in providing for myself in any way (emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, socially), the ugly Ego nashes it's teeth and desires to destroy expensive things.

this Ego has incessantly played the "shoulds" over and over in my mind: i SHOULD be able to financially support myself 100%, i SHOULD be able to figure this out on my own, i SHOULD be trying harder, i SHOULDN'T have such a hard time being a sober woman, i SHOULDN'T need a second opinion on major decisions, and i SHOULD have my life pulled together with it's face clean and hair brushed in sunday best, a pressed white shirt waiting for a spaghetti dinner.

well guess what? i occasionally need a friend to cry with. sometimes i just can't make it on my own because i can't make enough money to take care of myself. every once in a while, staying sober is really difficult for me and i need support from other people who know what i'm dealing with and have been there. i need to have individual and community successes. sometimes i even NEED people to let go of me, and if fall on my face i will be stronger (and sport a lot more facial callouses- baby BABY).

the truth is, nobody "has it all together," we just expect the people we care about to have composed themselves by squashing out their particular brand of crazy dysfunction. the thought is: "i can solve your problems and whats-the-matter-with-you for not taking suggestion! by the way, don't try to give ME advice because i'm either going to shoot you down or ignore you completely."

all of this makes me separate. being determined to arrive at true independence isolates me emotionally. this thinking sets me apart from humanity under the false and somewhat subconscious pretense that i'm actually above you not in this with you.

the truth: i am not better and i am not worse than any other human being. you need me as much as i need you even though i occasionally resent you for it.

today i met the little kids with autism that i'm going to be working 1x1 with for my new job. i had an epiphany that shifted my attitude of separateness and pride.

see, we all have the same basic needs, the difference between higher and lower functioning individuals is that lower functioning people aren't able to communicate what those are and they need assistance a lot more profoundly. example, babies vs. teens. also, with the special kids that are non verbal or struggling to figure this world out, there's a lot of guessing, testing, prompting, and therapy to figure out what they need and help them learn how to communicate those needs more effectively.

by the way, people with autism prefer to stay in their own world. they like alone time, avoid interaction, and try to isolate as much as possible in one way or another. as therapists, our job is to help these kids integrate and learn how to do for themselves as much as they're capable of, and ask for help with the rest. they are pushed to join the social, physical, and emotional aspects of society, so they can be as typical as possible, and here i am resenting the fact that i already know how to do it and just don't want to because i'm "above" .. waah?

some of my needs are met through experience and retention when i've been taught how to do things for myself. the most critical is that of being able to ASK for help when i'm not enough on my own. i need other people and tonight i'm sincerely grateful that i am capable of asking for help when i am in need, and for reaching my own hand out to other beating hearts.

on an semi-related note, i realize i was going to post a journal prompt and i failed to do so this past week. here's a topic in case anyone wishes to join, or wants to follow my process. basically whatever stood out to you in this post, do a page about! here's mine:

52 in 365 / DIY art journal project / GETTING STARTED

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 07:39:00 +0000

hello readers! you may have noticed two new banners on the left hand side of my blog- these are links to a new community art project i'm starting, one is to the page with the info about what the heck this is, the other is a link to the flickr page (learn more and start your journey here!!).

so this is my first post, and yes it's technically thursday not wednesday, but the goal is to post on wednesday. i count this one as meeting the goal because i started it at 11:58pm on wednesday. moving on...

this week's prompt is:

GETTING STARTED

(or, Everything You Need to Know To Begin, leaving you no excuses to continue sitting in front of your personal computer).

1. obtain a hard cover book in which to do your project (i found mine at a goodwill store for $2.00. TWO! I KNOW, right? and it's perfect). other options: book store, garage sale, the stacks of unused books in dusty boxes in you garage, a friend, craigslist, amazon used books,

i didn't even look at the title before buying it, and then when i got home i saw "art/search & self-discovery" which is EXACTLY what this project is about!!!! what the..? somehow things just work out beautifully without intentionally controlling the outcome. this is the hardest part of art expression, but if you're controlling how it goes, you're left in a world of frustration and unmet expectations. if you let go and give yourself over to the project, all kinds of magic happens. your choice- rage or magic? just let go.

2. obtain supplies

i bought a plastic storage box to keep my supplies in so i know everything i need is in one place. list of suggested materials:

magazines (i obsessively collage) - libraries and thrift stores sell outdated magazines for $0.10-$0.50/each
glue sticks
mod podge (i obsessively collage) - libraries and thrift stores sell outdated magazines for $0.10-$0.50/each
scissors
gesso
pressed (wild) flowers
acrylic paints
newspaper
fine sharpie pens
bits of things, papers, napkins, images, fabrics (ikea, goodwill, fabric stores have great sales)
paint brushes (various sizes and types)
old cd cover inserts
art from thrift stores
pencils
ect..

3. clean the cover (if needed)

i'm obviously not educated on how to properly clean a book cover, but mr. clean did the job and i'm satisfied.

4. SHARE!
post pictures of the book you chose and any meaning it has to you (none is necessary though) on the flickr "52 in 365" group page!

alright, that concludes today's prompt, see you on the other side of next week.

for photographers / shooting 101 - checklist

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 07:54:00 +0000

there are 5 things i check on my camera before i begin every shoot:

1. ISO
make sure it's on a setting that works for the light situation you are in- sometimes i've done a shoot at night and have forgotten to change the setting from 1600 ISO to 200 ISO. this helps avoid the grain that comes with higher ISO. if you notice you're having to expose with shutter speed and aperture and the numbers seem weird, look at your iso. you've probably shot a whole shoot in daylight at 1600 and yes, it's happened to me :(

2. battery life
always check your battery juice, it's such a shame to have your battery keel over in the middle of a shoot. also, make sure you always have a backup just in case!

3. memory card
is there one IN my camera? i occasionally forget to replace them after downloading images to my computer. best to check before leaving for a shoot. also, i frequently format my memory card before a shoot.

4. exposure settings

this is especially important when i shoot kids, since it's best to have it all set before they run around- they don't particularly care if you're under or over exposing and pretty much don't don't wait for you. kids are simple and energetic folks and you have to prepare your camera for that.

5. focus
is your camera set to manual or automatic focus? i go back and forth depending on the type of shoot i'm conducting. it's important for me to check before the action starts happening.

* there are some other things i may look at such as white balance although i rarely use it, clean the lens if smudged or otherwise unpresentable, and make sure i have backups of things like memory cards, batteries, batteries for my external flash,

shyla / prescott, arizona pet photographer

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 22:47:00 +0000

ella / prescott, arizona child photographer

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 08:40:00 +0000

anias nin

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 19:15:00 +0000

as i was working on compiling my favorite quotes last night for a project i'm working on, i came across some brilliance from the acclaimed anias nin. apparently she was quite the popular author of erotic literature through the 1900's. brave woman, the culture wasn't always open to pioneering like that back then- it was quite risqué, especially being written by a woman. i haven't read her books (and don't plan to, haha) but i have become aware of some of the wisdom in her quotes and I'm inspired by the streak of independence. Also I admire women who don't let the opinions of others get in their way when it comes to being true to themselves.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

"A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked."

"The only abnormality is the incapacity to love."

"There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend reality by imagination, as I try to do I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself."

"Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live."

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

and finally:

"Good things happen to those who hustle."

you know it, baby.

I don't write erotica, but I've challenged society with a maybe a titch of defiance. See, shaving my head as a woman is unconventional. There is so much tied to hair: sexual intrigue, trend beauty, desirability to men, self esteem, approval, and distraction for yourself and others from you and how things really are going, to list a few examples. When I shaved my head I had nothing to hide behind which created a different type of vulnerability. There wasn't anything to hide my face, doll up, or base my self worth on. I absolutely feel more like myself with short hair, and I'm appreciating it as its growing in for what it is rather than giving it a kind of power that scares me now, honestly. Having hair made me feel like prey, not having hair made me feel naked in public and even alone. I had to really rely on my sense of inherent value to help me avoid feeling awkward and worthless. I have still been loved, I've still had attention, I've felt empowered rather than timid and scared all the time. Now this kind of drastic action (shaving my head nearly bald) isn't for everyone, but it's something that I personally needed to do for myself in my own journey of loving and empowering my Self.

where have you disregarded being politically correct or conforming to the norm in order to be true to your Self?

a word about clothing..

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 06:08:00 +0000

dear internet,

i want to officially announce that my days in sweats are over- i've been defined by my "uniform" and i have finally shed it at the end of 5 long years. the past 3 weeks have been a storm of self discovery, new meds to tone down the psycho, several anonymous meetings (AA, for example. admitting this in the spirit of transparency..), and solidifying the life i want. i've been frantically searching for a job, working on a million projects for my biz which will be appearing on my blog over the next few weeks, and spending time with fantastic friends who support me in a special kind of way.

i was talking to one of these friends and had this realization: the way i dress has never been for me. i've worn sweats as a defense, they have kept me safe from men and from myself. the nice clothes i've bought have been to impress or seduce, and whenever i've been shopping and liked something, i have consistently thought "eh, this is nice but i can't afford this. what's the point in getting it when it won't get me anything or protect me from the world (aka the theme of my sweats days)? no, i definitely can't afford this." how sad is that?

anyway this friend pointed this out to me and for some reason it was a big A-HA moment and the next day i went to ross and bought 3 sundresses. i've wanted cute sundresses for a while but they always seemed like an unnecessary expense because i wanted them for ME. now i realize that i literally can't afford anything that ISN'T for me. it's not about money, it's about self love and validation. i've never been GOOD enough for something i liked to be worth the expense, yet what i was buying fed my unhealthy self image on two ends of the extreme spectrum.. amazing how crazy my mind can be in it's deception.

as of this week, i've worn a dress everyday, even when i've been sitting at home. it's okay to feel pretty, that doesn't make me VULNERABLE and/or SLUTTY (depending on how i'm dressing up or down). i have a friend who's going to photograph me in one of my dresses with my camera soon:) i'm excited to be on the other side of the camera for the exact reason i love photographing other people- to show them the beauty that is inherently theirs and to spark or solidify self-love. i'm a strong, capable, independent woman. i dress for myself now, it doesn't matter to me if others like what they see. the important thing is that I DO now, and that my friends, is priceless.

so now i want to ask YOU: what is it that you neglect when it comes to yourself? how have you perpetuated old ideas about the "~~truth~~" lies you've believed about yourself or your circumstances? what do you want to do to break the cycle, because believe me, whoever you are you are good enough and you deserve to be loved, by your Self. after all, our reality is just a compilation of the stories we make up based on our experiences, and the TRUTH is so much bigger than that.

love,
heather

DIY art

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 03:18:00 +0000

i've been doing a lot of crafting lately, hopefully i'll have a house soon that i can display this kind of stuff in. i'm currently sleeping on my friend's couch while searching for employment. my days are filled with job hunting, filling out applications, following up with hiring managers, and working on my new photography biz. if anyone knows of anyone in prescott, arizona that is hiring and needs a seriously great employee, let me know!! i may not look great on paper but you can't teach personality or learning ahead of the curve;)

being brave

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 21:24:00 +0000

DIY: photo coasters

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 15:13:00 +0000

UPDATE: so far, i've made 9..

photographed on iPhone 4, processed with VSCO cam

beach, black and white

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 20:01:00 +0000

a couple of images from a recent family reunion in california, on a day we went to the beach:

and this is one of people i don't know but decided to shoot, i call it "family on the beach" for hopefully obvious reasons:

one last shot, not on the beach- my cousin and his dad:

arizona

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 04:08:00 +0000

well i just made the move back to prescott, arizona! it's hard to put words to how amazing it feels to be back, today has just been wonderful. i was traveling for a month and now i'm home.. it's the first time i've felt like that for years. yesterday on my drive i spent a significant amount of time sorting through details for some of the new projects i'm developing as i shift the direction of my business. i am so excited and i can't wait to re-introduce myself to the world wide web!

all the way home it was rainy and grey, just how i like it. moody weather is so inspiring to me, i feel so creative and alive. i had to pull my car over a few times to do some impromptu photo shoots in the spirit of rebirth.

rain cleanses the earth, photography cleanses my soul.

look, my hair is growing back a titch! shaving my head was the beginning of my self-reinvention which is now translating to other areas of my life. i feel like a baby in so many ways, doors have opened that i didn't know existed and i'm ready to walk through them.

liz

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 07:59:00 +0000

one of my close friends, liz:) i had so much fun shooting her a couple of months ago. let me know what you think. she's gorgeous, eh??? :) more coming soon, possibly!

sneak peak

noreply@blogger.com (heather lorraine) — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 22:19:00 +0000

my immediate future has been in limbo far too long for comfort, however, during this interim i have been struck with several exciting ideas for where to take my business next. here is a tiny peak of my desk at work and the Notebook which my brain dumps in:
i can't say much about this right now but it is going to be awesome!!! watch the blog, tons of new things coming as soon as possible;) in fact, it's going to be a whole makeover.