helliferocious :: quarter-life crisis extraordinaire

ready to go home now...

2008-10-08T11:15:00.002-05:00

I was just in the bathroom at work and realized I hadn't put any makeup on this morning.

I also had to get back in the shower this morning - after toweling off - because I realized I hadn't rinsed out my conditioner.

And? Apparently managed to hurt my right ankle running yesterday - wtf? So now i'm hobbling.

Finally, I had an IUD put in yesterday (sorry, TMI?) and now I think I have a fever.

So yeah, I'm ready to go back to bed now......

why hello, blog!

2008-10-07T10:08:00.008-05:00

Goals. This has been a month (or two) of setting and achieving goals.

I got a new job. Old news - I know - but a goal I had been after for almost 2 long years. I love my new job, it is everything I ever dreamed it could be during those months when I couldn't imagine getting up for work another day. When the thought of making more copies, running more errands, or hearing my boss scream at me one more time seemed like too much. But I'm out! Goal achieved. And damn that feels great.

This week I started running. I've always envied runners - they're always the coolest people in the gym, right? Running along, oblivious to all of us walking, or stair-stepping or whathaveyou. I was always jealous. Not to mention those OUTSIDE RUNNERS. How much confidence do you have to have to run outside? In front of other people? Yikes.

So running was always out for me - mainly because I'm historically about the most out of shape person I know. Even at my skinniest, I was the textbook definition of 'skinny-fat'. I could hardly make it up a flight of stairs (probably still can't.)

Sometime last year I started working out. it's been off and on, but I gradually have worked myself up to the point where 30 minutes of straight cardio on the elliptical or ergonomiter or whatever is ~~doable~~ survivable for me. Which is great! So now I'm doing couch to 5k (C25K).

The program can be found at Cool Running - basically it's a 9 week program that gradually gets you from a walking pace to running 5k (that's around 3 miles) straight - without overdoing it and getting discouraged. This was key for me - because I always overdo it on the first day, get injured, and then stop. Hopefully this will help.

So far I've run 2 days, Sunday and this morning. Sunday my total distance was 1.6 miles, and today it was 2 miles. Those miles are a combo of running and walking, mostly walking at this point since I'm in my first week.

And what do I have to say about the running? OUCH. My legs are killing me. Getting up to pee seems much worse than just holding it. The idea that I'm going to get up and have to run again one more day this week is awful. Aargh. However, I've made it through two of them, so hopefully I'll keep going.

I also saw the scale dip under 150 today for the first time in many moons. That made me happy. I'd really like to get under 130 someday, but under 150 is pretty good for now.

In other news (and other goals), I finally completed my Eat Street font project - you can find it here. My internship has a few more weeks to go, and overall I'd say it was pretty successful.

Went to the Ani concert on Friday. It was awesome (as usual). My sister and I went last year, and then went again this year. We had dinner at Solera - which was amazing! 8 little dishes of fabulous gourmet food....to die for. The concert was rockin', and it was cool to hang with the little sis.

Bean got another lion cut. (I told him if he wouldn't let me brush him he would get one) Not really a goal, but gives me a chuckle every day. He looks so tiny!

I've started trying to clean a little bit every day - which has greatly helped my weekend workload. I'm trying to keep one day (Saturday) for resting and relaxing, but usually I spend that day cleaning. Now I vacuum pretty much every day (thank you roomba!), clean the kitchen one day, bathroom one day, etc. So all I have to do on the weekends is garbage and laundry. It's amazing.

Wow. Boring post, huh? Another goal on my list is to blog 3x per week. If I can run 3x a week, then by-God I should be able to blog, right? I just need to do it! So here I go.

once a week blogger...

2008-09-23T20:56:00.009-05:00

apparently i can only post once a week. oh well.

new bean pictures for you!
...................

do you see the cuteness?

either love-y or plotting....

love is.....a sink and a nap

"why'd you wake me up?"

................................

the job is still going well. so far no one seems to be disappointed in what i'm doing - and i've gotten compliments on some of my poster designs, so that's good! i've also acquired 4 free boxes of cereal in 7 work days. if this keeps up i may never eat anything else again!

I dress like this now: pretty fancy, eh?

............................................

i feel like i'm in a whirlwind lately. i'm truly happy about my new job and everything else that's been happening - but every so often i get flashes of intense sadness. it's almost like homesickness, but i have no idea what i'm homesick for. i think it's just the uneasiness of everything changing all at once, and having nothing to grab onto. no safety blanket.

i need to go work out. but i always feel like sleep is more important....

i think i'm working too much - i work until 4:30 every day, and then come home and work on freelance work until i go to sleep. i haven't been seeing friends (except the boy), and i think it's wearing on me. i've found that no matter how many happy things are happening to you - they don't seem as happy when you have no one to celebrate them with. you know?

.........................

ok, time to pack for the gym and try to get some sleep.

labor day weekend/updates

2008-09-17T19:02:00.005-05:00

update:

i started my new job on monday, and so far i'm loving it. the people i work with are great, i get to design! things! all! day!, and my workplace is amazing. there's a caribou coffee, a d'amico and sons, a free fitness center, a huge cafeteria (with an amazing salad bar), a doctor/dentist on site...i could go on forever. it's a far cry from an office of 5, let me tell ya.

i'm still in the honeymoon phase, i know, and i know that i will be challenged with the work. it's mostly designing powerpoint presentations on demand, in front of people - so i've been trying to brush up on my powerpoint skills as fast as possible. the guys i work with have been great so far though. i also get a sweet 30" monitor, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff that i haven't even really delved into yet, like subscriptions to photo and animation sites, a dvd library of images and video, etc. etc.

_____________________________________________

labor day weekend pics:

the boy and i went up to the north shore way back at the beginning of september, just a few miles south of grand marais. we got a cute little room, with a private deck overlooking the lake, and spent our time hiking, kayaking, eating, and smiling. so fun!
me, playing in a river near a waterfall

us, on a hike

us, with our coffee cups, on our private deck

____________________________________

in other news:

bean is very happy these days. the boy and i gave him a bath the other day b/c he was getting a little stinky, and since then he's been all soft and shiny and happy. still bitey though. i keep threatening him with this:

hee hee!

now with more cleaning power!

2008-08-25T20:56:00.008-05:00

i'm back!

i've decided not to be sorry about not posting for....well, about a month. this is my blog, dangit, and hardly anyone reads it anyway - but I spend so much time hemming and hawing over what to write, and if what i write will come back to bit me in the ~~ass~~ butt later in life, and if what i'm writing is funny or witty - it really ruins the whole point! i started this blog to get my thoughts and feelings down and out (down onto something and out of me, that is), and i need to start doing just that.

so if you are annoyed that i never post - tough. and if you're someone later in life that's trying to dig up some dirt on me so you can not hire me/fire me/ laugh at me - suck it.

onward and upward!

good news:

i got a new job (it's awesome), a new haircut (pretty cute), i'm no longer pregnant (good? i guess?), and i have some new things in my life that are making me happy.

1. a roomba! i love this little guy. he runs all around my house, making noise and bumping into things, but when he's done it's clean! Also, Bean follows him around like a best friend. not only does he clean - he plays with the cat! seriously folks, i love this thing. I've also noticed Mr. Roomba encourages me to be more productive. He's like "Hey you, i'm running around this place cleaning up your $h!# right now - why don't you get off your ~~fat ass~~ lazy bum and put away the laundry/do the dishes/write a blog post? you know, since i'm cleaning anyway." it's brilliant - I feel like i'm multitasking.

2. a nintendo DS. I have a cooking game, zelda, a mystery game, a medical game - everything i could ever want! I don't have nearly enough time to play this thing, but it was the best b-day present ever (from the boy). good for relaxing (or as close as I ever come to relaxing).

3. a flatiron. who knew that these things could make my hair cute? i certainly didn't. i'm in love.

4. various household organizers. i started this "organizing my life" process about a week ago, and got something to organize my makeup/jewelry/endless bobby pins, and a bunch of other stuff. next - shoes! I'm thinking something like this, but cheaper. ideas?

in other news:

i've gained about 10 pounds, but i'm giving myself a break. my clothes still fit, and as soon as I have more time i will start working out again. also, i think i'm dropping out of school. it's too much work right now with the new job and some other freelance work I'm doing, and the teachers this semester kinda suck. maybe i'll go back next year? but hey! more time to take a yoga class (or a pole-dancing one).

on the emotional front:

i'm still pretty shaken up about this whole past month. a lot of changes are taking place, and i'm having to make a lot of grown up decisions, which is always scary.

i just recently realized that my whole life i've been convinced that being happy will bring about disaster. like, if i just relax and breathe and believe/feel/know that everything is ok - someone will die, or my apartment will burn down, or something. going through life always expecting the worst isn't really all that fun (i'm realizing). it's also going to be a hard mental block/emotion/belief to overcome - because risking feeling 'safe' means that i'm tempting fate, and the entire belief structure that i've known for 24 years. anyway, it's hard to explain, but i'm working through it which i think is good...

ok, Mr. Roomba and me I are tired. time for some sleep...

gratuitous (old) picture of Bean. i keep it on my desk and smile every time i see it.

c'mon karma, didn't you know I was kidding?

2008-07-31T16:30:00.006-05:00

yesterday I told karma to suck it. probably a bad idea.

today i kind of want to rub karma with sandpaper and then dunk it in salt-water. the stingy kind. i want to make karma pay.

last night i had a miscarriage. the reason my brain has been dead the past couple weeks? i was pregnant. only 3 weeks along, and still totally freaked out/not sure what i was going to do/feeling like crap pregnant, but still. karma didn't have to come and take my baby away. it could have let me decide for myself what i wanted, couldn't it?

backstory: three weeks ago i took Plan B. two days ago (monday) I went in to get an IUD inserted, and they told me I was pregnant. Shock and crying and excitement and every other freaking emotion followed. last night, after a lovely dinner of spaghetti carbonara and roma tomato/basil/mozzarella salad, i started bleeding. lots and lots of heavy bleeding for a couple of hours. lots and lots of heavy crying as well. went in to the doctor today - and i'm not pregnant anymore.

my doctor told me that Plan B works by keeping you from ovulating, and it does this by giving you a million times the hormones you usually have. It says that it doesn't harm the embryo/fetus/whatever if ovulation does occur - and many women go on to have perfectly normal pregnancies.

however, my doctor said that what it does do is make it very, very hard for the embryo to implant. sometimes you still get a positive pregnancy test, if the embryo implants partway, or just hangs out really close to your uterine wall. then you still produce the HGC pregnancy hormone and your test is positive. she believes that was the case with me.

it was a relief to hear that she didn't think it had anything to do with my fertility, or anything that I had done 'wrong', and i feel better today than I did last night. i think i'm in the numb stage of grief? denial? i'm definitely not angry, just kind of floaty, and sad, and wondering why the hell so many crazy things have been happening lately.

i also don't really know who to tell, or what to tell them. i feel like 3 weeks pregnant shouldn't be that big of a deal, and I didn't even know if i wanted it anyway. but to have it taken away is just kind of....hard. and i don't know how well i can really function at work, and at school, and at my other side job, and my internship right now. it's all a little bit much to handle.

guess you shouldn't fuck with karma.

my brain is dead.

2008-07-29T15:09:00.005-05:00

not sure what killed it. or maybe i'm not telling. at any rate, all of my attempts to be productive at work today have been thwarted by my stupid, tired brain, and multiple distractions.

IM is one, twitter another, and google reader? let's not even talk about it. so what's a girl to do? my solution is to use the old 'looking busy' trick. make sure to have an excel spreadsheet or two up, and every time my boss walks by I put on my best stressed out face. I doubt it's working, but oh well. I can't be awesome every day.

also, i would KILL for a diet coke right now. or a cup of coffee. or six. i'm just saying, i'm a little bit ~~crazy~~ tired.

on a lighter note, in a few hours (when they set me free of this place) I get to go to a twins game! I don't even know who they're playing, because I'm lame like that, but it will be fun. I love baseball games. actually, I love most live sporting events. the crowds, the food, the action - it's all good. except football, that's just dumb.

let's talk about karma, shall we?

today I have gotten not one, not two, but six calls from people that want to interview me. this comes after spending months and months ~~and months~~ sending out resumes and never really hearing back - but today they all call. it's crazy!

i'm hoping that this is good karma, but when you think about it - karma chooses the day my brain dies to have everyone call me? so as I stutter along and try to remember my own name i really start to wonder if karma is less like my best friend, and more like that girl in high school that smiled and nodded as she texted all her friends about how stupid you are. i'm just saying.

ok, my boss just totally caught me blogging. it's official - karma hates me.

suck it, karma.

my once a year update.

2008-07-26T09:17:00.002-05:00

Would you believe that every single day I begin a new post on here? And every single day it gets put off, just like emailing everyone back, exercising, cleaning my floors, brushing the cat, and plucking my eyebrows. Push, push, push - down the list - until the weekend when I have enough time to breathe and start to actually sort through that damn list.

So this morning I woke up at 7:30 am (on a Saturday!) and have been cleaning, doing laundry, brushing the damn cat (got out all the mats though!), and soon I will pluck my eyebrows...

This week has been filled with whole-body exhaustion. I'm not sure if it's emotional, and my overwhelmed feelings are creating the same sensation in my body, or if I'm coming down with something for reals, and my body is screaming for me to "lay the fuck down, already!". In any case, I took on an 8-hour shift today at my new side job, so the laying/listening to my body will have to wait until tomorrow. Go me!

This is what I have on my plate right now:
- Full time job
- Part time school
- Internship, one day a week, with added homework
- Side job (waitressing for a caterer) - varies

I think that's it. Doesn't leave much room for sleeping, cleaning, or doing any of the things that I enjoy doing, like cooking, playing with bean, and going out with friends. But hey, there's always time for that stuff, right? (sigh)

I almost quit my job this week. My boss pushed me to the edge of what I can actually take from another human being (I had to leave for almost an hour to collect myself), and I was all determined to get the fuck out. But then I got scared, because let's face it - the economy sucks, and who knows how long it would be before I could find another job? So I guess I'm stuck there for now...However, my new plan is to document each and every instance that I find unacceptable (swearing, in-my-face yelling, sexual comments, etc) - and copy the 'manager' in the office. That way, if I do find myself needing to quit - maybe I can make a case for unemployment? Who knows.

Saw the X-files movie last night! I don't know if I've posted this before, but I own every season of the x-files, and my senior year college roomie and I watched every episode, in order, in about 6 months. Even though the reviews weren't great - I liked it! I think I'd like anything x-files related, but it was so fun to see some new stuff, and it was a crazy/gross story, so that was fun. Later, the boy went and saw Dark Knight with some friends, I really wanted to go, but the exhaustion got the better of me and I came home and went to bed. Lame-o, I know.

Ok, that's all I've got. I'm tired, kids - but rallying. This Saturday morning promises to help me get back on track!

the weekend.

2008-07-21T10:06:00.009-05:00

Friday:

Worked all day, then headed out to here:

for dinner. Heard good things about it, and had even tried some takeout at my internship, but I was excited to see the place in person. The food was good good good - we ordered barbecued beef, corn muffins, yucca (sp?) fries, red beans and yellow rice, creamed spinach, and sweet tea. Yummy!

This guy brought me there:

He was a bit happier when the camera wasn't on him.

Saturday:

Got up, tagged along to a haircut with the boy, stopping to shop at my favorite store. After that, went to Ikea and got this stuff:

(don't mind the mess, I'm just keeping it real)

Then to the MOA to get this stuff:

I needed the running shoes because my toes kept going numb in the one's that I have, and it was buy one get one free! Who can resist a cute pair of black heels? I am wearing them today, and so far, very comfortable! Which is always good, but not a dealbreaker, considering the many, many scars I have on my feet from all of my not-so-comfortable shoes.

Saturday night:

Got home and put all of the new Ikea bedding on my bed:

which was very comfy. (I got new sheets, two new pillows, a new comforter, and a new mattress pad)

Played with Bean:

(That bunny slipper is one of a pair that was given to me for Easter. He chewed the first one to bits the first night - but still likes to attack the remaining one)

Sunday morning:

Bean approves the new bedding:

Spent most of Sunday running errands (cleaning, groceries, drugstore). Then headed up to my grandparent's place, where they cooked steaks, potatoes, and we had fruit salad. My grandpa is so cute, because his entire life my grandma cooked everything for him, but now that he has to cook he is so proud of himself! He did a good job too.

Today:

Had a slim fast for b-fast, and having a huge salad with leftover steak on it for lunch. Work is so empty with everyone gone/leaving, but there's plenty to do. I also bought some new plants for my desk at Ikea, but I didn't have a picture. They are cute and small.

So that was my weekend - how was yours?

2008-07-17T11:08:00.009-05:00

Wow, 5 days since my last post. Sorry kids, life's been way too busy.

Started a 'fast' yesterday. I put it in quotes because it's not a true fast - I'm still eating, just very restricted. Can of Progresso light soup for lunch and dinner, fresh veggies and fruits, and tea, diet soda, water, coffee. Oh, and sugar-free jello and popsicles. I didn't do so great yesterday - had some hummus and a tiny meal of real food for dinner instead of soup - but today I've only had carrots and jello. I'm really looking forward to some soup!

Don't ask me why I'm doing this fast. I'm just fed up with not losing (and in fact gaining) weight. I've been trying to stay under 1500 calories a day for months now, and working out 3+ times a week, and have seen little to no results. So I'm trying this to see if I can get a 'jump start', and if not I'm going to go to the doctor to get a couple things checked out. So there you go.

Not eating does make me a little bit crabby, however, and makes it hard to concentrate. I also got less than 6 hours of sleep last night - so pray for those around me. ;)

In other news: I started my 3-month internship with the font designer, Chank Diesel. We're working on a free font called Eat Street right now, and after that is done I get to concept and design my own font! This whole thing is really exciting for me, it's a whole new area of design that I never really thought about, and while it's not really lucrative (since most fonts are free or pirated nowadays), it does get me thinking, and inspires me in other areas of design - design should be fun! It's nice to be reminded of that.

Let's see, what else? I went on a date last night, with a guy we'll nickname 'the vegan'. Because he's (surprise!) vegan. He also rides a bike everywhere. Which is really intimidating to me, the girl who eats like crap and drives everywhere in her crappy beat-up corsica...but it was a nice date nonetheless. He was cute, fun, polite, smart - really meets all my prereqs as far as first dates go. Biggest drawback? He's married - and in an open relationship. Which isn't a big deal to me at this point (I'm down with the polyamory thing, and always have been), but it's hard when it's someone that I could potentially really like - to know that it's never going to really go anywhere. So then I wonder, what's the point? But I"m keeping it light and fun for now - just seeing where it's going.

(I totally have this t-shirt)

Also, I'm tempted to post a ~~cuter~~ semi-decent picture of me after that monstrosity below, so here you go:

That's me having a little too much fun at my friend's bachelorette party this weekend. There was pole ~~dancing~~ flailing, club-hopping, and much drinking.

That's it! Hopefully more posts coming up this week.

in a rut.

2008-07-12T09:38:00.005-05:00

Sorry for the lack of blog posts. it's because I currently look like this:

i promise that as soon as I can get my head to stop swirling (and get that freaking scary ~~double~~ triple chin to go away) I will be posting more.

To give you an idea of what my brain is like lately: I woke up at 4:30 this morning, and in order to go back to sleep I made a list over 30 items long of everything that I was worrying about. Go me. Things on that list include:

Work harder at work to prove to my boss that I'm a good employee so that I don't lose my job.
Figure out what is giving me constant daily migraines.
Work out more.
Eat less.
Clean my house/buy groceries/clean the catbox/brush my cat/etc. and so on.
Figure out how to cram two interships into my already busy schedule.
But my friend a shower present/attend said shower without embarrassing her or myself (she's very religious - ack!)
A bunch of emails that I've been meaning to send but never have time.
Get my computer fixed so that the delete key works all the time instead of some of the time.

Ok, blogging was also on that list - but I guess this counts as a post. One thing to cross off!

'what's up with that?' Wednesdays.

2008-07-09T21:15:00.001-05:00

People that drive through a 4-way stop without waiting their turn - what's up with that? They can't wait the 6 seconds it would take for the next two cars to go? They think they're much more important than me, patiently waiting my turn? People like that just like to feel important, and do it by taking turns that aren't theirs (this includes you - people who run red lights). Don't get me wrong, I'll speed up for a yellow light - but I do not blatantly take things that are not mine - not even turns.

The dead-animal smell in my work parking garage. It comes around every summer (3 so far), and seriously smells rotten - I know you know what smell I'm talking about. Now, if it was just a rat or something, that thing would have been a skeleton years ago. So it's either lots and lots and lots of dead rats - or there's a Minneapolis serial killer hiding dead bodies in my parking garage. Or one large dead elephant.

The fact that I only get checked out by anyone when I'm impaired in some way (drunk, even sick). What am I doing in my normal state that I'm not doing in a loopy state, or vice versa? I must look really angry most of the time or something. Or guys like girls with vacant stares that stumble. That must be it.

Ok, that's all I have for this inaugural 'what's up with that?' Wednesday. Goodnight all.

receptionist woes.

2008-07-08T22:38:00.005-05:00

Today my boss asks me for directions. Ok -- Google Maps baby, I'm on it. 5 seconds later, he's standing in front of my desk - 'Where are those directions?'.

Umm..I haven't really even opened the browser yet...

Needless to say, I brought them up, rattled off the directions at top speed, and he was out the door.

I call after - 'Wait, can I print them out for you??'

His reply: 'No, I've got it'

................

Cut to 30 minutes later - my phone rings.

He starts screaming roads at me. How far is this place from 14? How long should I be on road X? Am I East or West of X? Why don't you know these things?!?! Rapid fire directions that mean nothing to me, as I frantically pull out the paper I printed up and bring up Google Maps again.

'Oh, you took a wrong turn at X, you've gone too far' - I say.

'Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck fuck - you suck at life' - paraphrase of what he said.

..........

These are the days I hate my job. I try and try to be good at this job, I really do. But I am not a human map. I am not a human calculator. I am not the human equivalent of the internet in a perfect world - with all of the information that you need less than .5 seconds away if you just yell. loud. enough. I'm sorry, I'm not.

I wish I had a thicker skin - so this stuff would just bounce off. But it's almost 11:00 and I'm still thinking about it. Oh well.

Another Bean picture will cheer me up!

Goodnight!

lakes, animals, and parents - oh my!

2008-07-07T16:19:00.012-05:00

Whew! Crazy three-day weekend folks - here's the update:

I drove up 4 hours north to visit my parents on Friday - stopping to visit the grandparents on the way. The drive was pretty uneventful, except for Bean frantically meowing most of the way, and jumping around the car. (I try to keep him in his carrier, but ~~i'm weak~~ he gets upset)

The fourth was filled with fireworks, flowers and lakes:

(the fireworks in our driveway - impressive!)

(a pretty flower from my step-mother's garden)

(the lake - I was on a boat, it was fun)

Along with some pretty fun antics from the animals. My parents have a dog named Chester, and being a border collie - he is very, very....animated. (lots of energy) Anyway, he doesn't have much experience with cats, and let's just say he was pretty ~~obsessed~~ interested.

Bean doesn't have much experience with dogs either, except when he was
a tiny, baby kitten:

So it was fun to watch them interact.

Also, here are some gratuitous shots of Bean, hanging out (outside!) on his leash. He felt like king of the jungle. Even though deep down, he's really a city kitty. He was so happy to get back home to a.c. and cable, he could hardly contain himself. (his favorite show is Deadliest Catch, btw)

(here he is showing classic Bean attitude - with the tongue out "I am better than you" look)

(here he's just a "cool cat")

I got home and my stupid air conditioner was broken - so I'm currently staying at the boy's place while he's away. All week! I'm feeling pretty lonely, but hopefully softball tonight will cheer me up.

letters from my grandfather. part one.

2008-07-02T12:52:00.008-05:00

received July 2nd, 2008.

(text - in case you can't see the picture)

HOWARD F. JOHNSON
LT. (J.G.) US NAVY
WORLD WAR II
APRIL 30, 1921
______, _______

Sarah: This is the way my tombstone should read. I'm sending this to you because you'll probably be the one who will get it done. I don't plan to leave soon but who knows?

Love,
Grandpa.

This is one example of the letters that I get on a monthly basis from my grandfather. It's tough to deal with him sometimes. He's getting old (87 last month), and he's very negative most of the time. Our conversations revolve around his death, his childrens' death, what has gone wrong in (insert family member's name here)'s life, etc.

This letter struck me as funny on my first read, but I guess maybe it's a little depressing. It's just so strange for me to think about writing about death so matter-of-factly. Like, hey honey - here's my tombstone - thanks for taking care of it. As simple as picking up dinner from a drive-through.

I have a lot more of these letters, so maybe i'll make this a regular feature. and i'll file this away for 'someday'.

bitch-face.

2008-07-01T16:15:00.005-05:00

i'm trying something new. i don't know what to call it. something like 'bitch on wheels', 'girl with a devil-may-care attitude' - along those lines anyway.

i am sick and tired of caring so much about what other people think! i spend probably 95% of my life, my time, worrying about what my parents think, what my grandparents think, what my boss thinks, what my coworkers think, what my boyfriend thinks, what my friends think. and you know what? it's exhausting.

i figure that the amount of time that all of those people spend worrying about how i feel? i would guess less than 0.1%. not that any of them are bad people - they're really not - i just think that i spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about what other people want/need/feel - and i tend to attract people that like that in other people. (i think that makes sense)

i don't think that i've always been this way. i used to not care/think about other people much. i was a huge bitch in high school - in the sense that everyone knew my name and what i was about. but me? totally oblivious. i see people from high school all the time these days, and it's not like i just don't remember their names - i never knew them. that makes me feel bad. but not anymore!

so yeah, a new me? maybe. like i said, i'm just tired of being tired. tired of being sad and feeling lonely. so it seems i need to restructure my thinking. i'll keep you posted.

in other news: new header coming tonight! it fits the theme of telling a random fact about me. happy july 1st ~~everyone~~ you.

rawr. the new (fierce) me. well, that's actually an old picture - but you 'get the picture'.

alumni.

2008-06-30T16:21:00.000-05:00

i got my park scholar alumni catalog today. the park scholars are a group of scholarship recipients at ithaca college, where i got my undergrad degree. it's a sweet scholarship - totally full ride. they pay your tuition, a stipend for rent, food, books, and even pay for a computer your freshman year. it's truly amazing - and i'm still trying to figure out why i got it. going to an art high school helped, and being first in my class - but i always felt way out of my league with the people in that group.

which leads me to the alumni catalog. i dread it. i loathe it. every year i get one, and contemplate just throwing it away without opening it.

don't get me wrong - i didn't have any enemies there, and i am interested in what people are up to. here's my problem: it makes me feel like a complete and total loser. because the people from that group? they're out in the world, moving and shaking. one writes for a big name magazine, one is on the abc morning news in Syracuse. some of my friends from the group are writers, or getting a law degree, or in medical school, or producing films. big films.

seriously? you know my biggest accomplishment in the last year? hmmmm.......let's see. i got a cat. i paid off my credit card. i didn't kill my boss.

i'm a receptionist. i answer phones. i'm also borderline mentally ill, and have a hard time just getting through the day - much less changing the freaking world. what happened to me? what did those judges see in me - fresh out of high school - that made them think i belonged in a group of kids that deserved a free ride?

so, at this point, i still open the darn thing. i was a little bit happier this time, because the layout and typography sucked. ha! that's one thing i can do - i could layout that damn brochure better than whatever student they have doing it. go me!

but seriously - should i be upset about this? is it unrealistic to think that i should be changing the world right now? and if it is unrealistic - why are they? i feel like i missed that day in class - the day where they gave you the secrets to following your dreams without having a nervous breakdown.

eh, oh well. there's always next year.

cool customer.

2008-06-28T21:53:00.008-05:00

i got my air conditioner in today. which doesn't sound like it should be that hard, but i have a four-foot window to put it in. so first i had to measure said window, then head to home depot to buy some plexiglas, a 2x4, and some foil duct tape. the foil keeps the squirrels from chewing their way in (hopefully). so several hours later i have a cool apartment! bean is loving it.

it's pride this weekend in minneapolis. i didn't head over today, because of all the air-conditionering i had to do, but i probably will tomorrow. pride is always so fun! lots of happy people, sun, snacks, animals, etc. it's at least worth taking a walk over and checking out. i really want to bring bean on a leash, but i'm afraid of scary dogs freaking him out. we'll see.

i've been slacking horribly on my diet and on working out. i wouldn't be surprised if i've gained at least 2 pounds this past week. aargh. so i went to the grocery store tonight and bought lots of fruit, snackable veggies, light soup, etc. we'll see if i do any better this week. i'm definitely working out tomorrow!

wow, this is a really boring post. but at least its a post. i can't always be interesting. i didn't take my medicine for 3 days and crashed pretty bad earlier (causing the boy to yell at me because i was being impossible). it's always hard to hear that you're hard to take sometimes, but i guess it snapped me out of it. i'm feeling much better now.

goodnight imaginary readers - sleep tight. dream of exciting posts.

today in pictures.

2008-06-26T16:58:00.011-05:00

~~excuse~~ disclaimer: i cannot figure out how to format my pictures and text in a way that looks pretty. it's really bugging me, but damn it, i'm going to post anyway. so sorry for the un-cuteness that follows. (the layout, not the content!)

feeling like: this picture. apparently bean feels this way too. he's not enjoying the fact that it's over 90 degrees in my apartment. i'm trying to make him feel better by giving him ice to lick. i'm trying to make myself feel better by giving myself popsicles to lick.

working on: a letter for a font i'm making with Chank Diesel. it's call 'Eat Street'. fun! more about that very soon.

thinking about: why all the squirrels in my neighborhood are so unafraid of people. i literally had to spray one from 2 inches away with a spray bottle to get it off my windowsill. last month one ate it's way through my screen and ate all of the walnuts in the (sealed jar) on my counter. as cute as they can be - squirrels that are totally unafraid are scary!

last picture: bean looking totally handsome. he's really starting to grow up and become an adult cat, and it's just so cute. i know i'm a crazy cat lady and all - but i really love this guy. even though he scratched me three times this morning and now i look like i escaped over a barbed wire fence fleeing from the mental hospital.

this day started out really crappy (cramps, tired, scared about class/confrontation) to being pretty good (going home early, ordering pizza, getting some work done, watching scrubs, getting an internship offer). so happy thursday everybody!

weekend escapades.

2008-06-23T14:25:00.006-05:00

went to the twins game on saturday. we won - which is always fun! i had a delicious hot dog - with ketchup and relish. the boy had mustard and onions. (do our complete opposite hot dog choices mean we're incompatible?)

also had peanuts and crackerjacks. (and sang the song!) baseball game complete.

after the game, the boy and i headed to the strip club. this was only the second time i've ever been to a strip club, and both times were mostly the same experience. while i appreciate the fine looking ladies, (and even get a little turned on once and again), i have a hard time getting over the fact that a lot of them don't seem to be having much fun, and whenever i leave i always vow to never eat again. which inevitably fails and leaves me ~~eating an entire pint of chubby hubby~~ crabby. so i guess i'd rather leave strip club fantasies to the boy, and imagine myself as skinny and pretty as all of those ladies - that's my fantasy. we did buy each other a dance though, and i had way too many vodka ginger ales.

(as a side note, my mother's drink weakness was vodka 7-ups. she would always drink way too many. apparently that has carried on in me, but with a ginger-ale twist. yippee!)

i had a brief idea that i should start being a stripper. mostly because of this blog. i need some more cash, and it seems like something i could do. however, besides needing to lose somewhere around 20 pounds for that to happen, i don't know if i could really do it. in my head it seems like a ~~good~~ reasonable idea, but who knows if i could actually go through with it - or make any real money at it. well, that's another potential job to cross off the list.

here's my random weirdo story for the week: I was working out at the gym on Saturday morning, early, and was the only person there (which is usually the case on the weekends). right as i was finishing up my workout, a guy walks in. he's a pretty big guy, and doesn't smile. he starts (loudly) lifting weights. by loudly i mean the gross grunts and yells he lets out when doing said lifting. that's not the weird part though.

i go to take a shower, leaving my water bottle and headphones on the rack where all the shoes and bags are. i always do this - because who wants my germy water bottle and broken headphones covered in sweat? these headphones are not nice - not nice at all. the pads broke off long ago, they're the clunky, behind the head kind, and i only wear them because they get so sweaty when i work out that i'm afraid to use my ipod earbuds and ruin them. ok, enough description i guess - but they're gross!

so I come out of the shower, and notice...my headphones are gone. i look over at the treadmills, and that weird guy is wearing them! my headphones! that he saw me take off my sweaty head! seriously folks, gross. i was tempted to walk over and demand them back, but a. he's huge and mean looking, and b. what would i do with them, now that they have his ear sweat all over them? yeah, no thanks.

then on sunday - more craziness ensues. i wanted to get some work done on my computer, which i cannot do at my house because there is far too much TV. and food. and a bed. so i headed out to a coffee shop. after trying spyhouse and bad waitress, and finding them both full - i head over to a dunn bros by the boy's place - because there's usually tables. i was elated to find a big table, with a comfy chair, and settled in with my chai and a muffin.

then this weird feeling started to nag at me. the boy sitting next to me - do i know him? he looks familiar....but...do i really know him? so as i'm furiously glancing at him i notice he's doing the same. damn, i must know him.

then it hits me. this is the guy. the totally embarrassing guy who i have seen twice, and thinking about either time makes me cringe. the first time we met i was at ground zero with some friends. i drank way too much (yes, this is a pattern) and made out with this guy. found out his name is ~~name removed~~ steve. all i really remember is telling him that he looked like a guy from Dawson's Creek. Our makeout session ended with me getting thrown out of the bar. good times.

the next time i saw this guy was when i was checking into the psych ward. that's obviously a whole other post, but needless to say, seeing a guy that you've made out with while in the psych ward (which I didn't notice, but my friends kindly pointed out to me later) - is not so pleasant. note: he wasn't in with me, which would be less embarassing, he was a nurse.

why do I keep running into this guy? and what am I supposed to say? I ended up fleeing dunn bros in the end, and not getting any work done. what can i say? - i'm a coward.

so that was my weekend. a little bit crazy, a little bit fun, a little bit embarrassing. like most of my life, i guess.

angry.

2008-06-19T11:47:00.008-05:00

i'm so angry today. all bottled up frustration and self hate and crabbiness. i want a new job, new friends, new clothes, new life. i need a change - a big one. not a new haircut, or new shoes, or a vacation. i need to turn this ship around and actually do something with my life.

taking that first step is the hardest though. when that change is so big, so scary, so unknown. it's hard to realize that you need to take it slow, one step at a time, one small change at a time that will gradually lead up to the larger change that you want.

my instinct is to quit my job, run for the hills, give away everything i own. spend all of my recently scrimped and saved money because fuck it, i don't have what i want and who says i ever will. besides, even when i save and save it all gets stolen - taken away in a minute - and who knows if it will be replaced.

i had a hard critique in class on tuesday. i don't know if it was really bad, or my brain just made it seem that way. i was really proud of my project, really excited about it - and compared to everyone else's it just seemed ordinary. after the critique i wanted to drop out completely. what's the point of this dream of becoming a graphic designer if i'm not any good? no one is raving over my designs, no one is clamoring to hire me, and i feel like a failure. i really don't want to go to class today.

speaking of failures, my diet is not going well. i start out in the morning well, with my weight control oatmeal and fresh blueberries. i drink diet soda all day, and coffee if i need a pick me up. but right around lunchtime i lose control and have a billion candy bars, or two lunches, etc. dinner is worse - i've been eating out most nights, chinese or vietnamese. food just makes me feel better - but then i go to the gym and step on the scale and ugh.

i just want to take control of my life. fix all these nagging things that are making my life just a little bit worse - and add up to make my life nothing like what i want. i want to be a freelance graphic designer, whose house is clean and cute and who dresses well and always looks nice and goes to the gym and weighs fifteen pounds less. who can wrangle her cat into not biting her and eats right and makes enough money to be safe and happy. who can go to work from home and meet clients for coffee and has the self confidence to put her life on track. or heck, just someone who gets out of bed in the morning and does something more than surf the web all day - that would be nice.

just a tuesday.

2008-06-17T15:32:00.013-05:00

well, it's tuesday. work has been - awkward today. some pretty shady stuff has been going on lately, and i'm having a really hard time aligning work me with real life me, but i guess that's all i can say about that. i'm working on a new idea for this blog - it has to do with a book i'm reading, and work stuff - but i want to get permission first. hopefully soon!

as promised - here are some of the spreads from my recently finished eggcup catalog. hopefully i'll have it all mocked up soon, so that i can take some decent portfolio pictures. anyway, here goes.

(sorry, took out the pictures b/c they were being annoying)

i know that the image quality is bad - you'll just have to wait until i get everything uploaded to my portfolio site, sorry! but all in all, i think it turned out really great - big thanks in part to the guy that helped with the illustrations. :) (i mean, i totally drew them - totally!)

in other news - my grandpa was on the news - kstp to be exact. you can view him here. he is just too cute not to watch, trust me on this one. i was so proud of myself today because i managed to get that video off the web and burn it to a dvd - which i'm sure is illegal, but seriously abc - i'm supposed to pay $45 for a minute long clip? no thanks. so now he can have a copy - because the ~~annoying~~ guy who made the piece just can't seem to understand that 87 year olds? don't. have. internet. really, they don't. no really, they don't! so i saved the day again - go me.

anyone interested in hearing about my love life? anyone? well, here's the vague rundown. i'm kind of seeing this guy who is kind of into me, but never ever wants to make a commitment it serious and will never, ever be in love with me. i've been kind of seeing this guy for about a year and a half.

what the f$*# is wrong with you? - you may be saying. well, i'm not sure. lots of things, probably - but the truth of the matter is that he's a really nice guy. we have lots of fun together, and we're very close.

so part of this kind of seeing each other deal is that we can see other people. and i've discovered that i'm the worst ~~girl~~ dater ever. is dater a word? you know what i mean. i use okcupid - and here is my pattern:

find a guy i think is cute.
woo him or message him.
when he writes back, write back at least once, maybe twice.
completely stop all contact (this has nothing to do with him of course, i just lose interest or get freaked out or something).
occasionally i will go on a date, then -
stop all contact.

i've done this at least 6 times in the past year. i'm always teasing thesinglesister that she gets way more dates than me - well it's no wonder, right? i think i just have a hard time with the online dating scene. it seems too forced - i want romance. i want to meet a guy in a dimly lit bar, drink vodka shots until i'm almost puking, and then have a drunken one night stand that turns into a four-year relationship. romance, people!

no, i'm kidding. i don't know what the deal is. my therapist would say that i'm with the current guy because he's safe - he'll never fall in love with me. which may be true. maybe i really, deep down, want to be single forever? who knows. i'm only 23.

ok, that's my day. eggcups, work and ramblings about love. i had a heath bar too - yum.

mini rants and mini loves.

2008-06-16T13:36:00.004-05:00

lets have a mini-story day!

rants:
my cell phone broke today. i have a motorola razor, and one of the screws holding on the top portion fell out a week ago. today, the lcd screen doesn't work. so i call up t-mobile, and they say it's 'physical damage' aka 'my fault'. screw them. so i ordered a $10 phone to replace it (i am so done with razors) and they charge me an $18 ~~'rape you'~~ 'upgrade fee'! seriously? i hate you t-mobile.

(work rant deleted to protect...myself - I really wanted to leave it in, but I just can't. sigh.)

i'm frustrated with myself, because I can't stick to my diet. i spent yesterday making a big salad to take to work for lunches all week, packed myself a healthy breakfast - the whole works. I did workout this morning, which is good, but then ate a plateful of pub mix - which is probably like a billion calories. plus, i'm doing homework at a coffee place tonight, which = calorie-laden caffeinated drinks and probably lots of food as well. aargh!

loves:
one of my favorite things is to see rain in the distance. what i mean is - it's not raining on you - but you can see the rain falling from the clouds. i had the opportunity to see that on the backdrop of a stunning bright-pink sunset last night on my way home from the grandparents - and it was delightful.

i'm really liking the way my eggcup catalog/homework is shaping up - i'll have to post a spread or two tonight when it's all! finished!

i never, ever get zits (and yes, you can hate me). however, when I do get one of those deep down zits that just won't pop - one of my guilty pleasures is to pop it with an exacto razor blade. totally gross, I know - but the satisfaction of making that tiny cut and have everything come out? oh my god - it's like porn for me. totally popped a 6-month old zit on my lip last night. awesome.

well, now that you've all run screaming - I think I'll sign off. hoping i can get through the next 3 hours without anything too scary happening - and then get my homework done quickly. keep your fingers crossed.

dad shmad.

2008-06-15T11:12:00.006-05:00

Happy Sunday! It's fathers day, which is always a hotly-debated topic in my family. You see - my father and I have a pretty good relationship. I wouldn't call it picture-perfect by any means, but we get along. I call him when I'm having a rough day, and he listens. He usually tells me it's my fault, but hey, he listens. We rarely fight, and he lets me live my life - more than most people can say I'm sure.

However, it's his father that's the problem. My grandpa. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death (you have to say that, right? It's bad karma not to) - but he has grated a few nerves in my immediate family for a long, long time. When I was a wee little kidlet, I remember my grandpa and my aunt talking to me and my sister about how fucked up our parents were. How they couldn't ever hold a real job, how they moved us way up north away from the 'family', and how they were ruining us. Way to cultivate a great relationship with the grandkids/nieces, eh? I always left those interactions so completely upset, devastated as only a child can be when they are told that their parents aren't perfect. I learned to keep my defenses up around my extended family - we were always on the outside because we were 'different'.

My grandparents are/were pretty rich, my grandpa was the county attorney in his smallish town most of his life. My dad is a musician and my mom was a seamstress/creative type - so not exactly moneybags. This created quite a rift in the family, which only got bigger when we moved out of the cities and 'up north' (four hours away) when I was ten years old. Also, my grandparents never cared much for my mother. Now that she's dead they say that they loved her, but I remember when she was alive - and they did not get along. I think it was a class thing - my dad's side of the family is the country club type - I never saw my grandmother without her hair done and lipstick on. My mom's side of the family loved sports, and my mom's mom is remembered best by her always present bloody marys and cigarettes.

To add insult to injury, my grandparent's two other children - my aunt and uncle, were very close with them. My aunt spent every weekend with them for her whole life (she never married or had children) and took all of her vacations with them. My uncle lived in Connecticut, (speaking of: why wasn't he ostracized for moving???) but him and my grandfather had the same political views, both had money, liked golf, etc. They talked all the time. Sadly - both my aunt and uncle died a couple of years ago. My uncle of colon cancer and my aunt of ovarian cancer. So the kid they are left with? The musician/hippy that they never got along with. And, of course, his two daughters.

So I had a long chat with my dad today about how guilty he feels that he doesn't get along with his dad - and how he can't even buy him a card, because all of those sappy sentiments? He doesn't feel them. My grandpa is 87 years old - he's lonely, caring for my grandma who has Alzheimer's, and is starting to get very confused. But my dad is still angry - angry for a childhood/adulthood where he felt that he didn't belong, for the years of disapproval and guilt - he's still understandably upset about it. It's hard to put all of that behind you just because you're the one left behind. I totally get it.

Tonight I'm going up to my grandparents to cook them dinner (spaghetti with chicken sausage), and give my grandfather his father's day card. I went for funny and cute - I think he'll like it. I enjoy going up there - I just hate the guilt trips. The talk about how I'm not there enough (because unlike my aunt, I'm far to busy to spend every weekend with them), and how my father still isn't living up to their expectations. Family stuff is hard, but what can you do? Just plow ahead, and hope that you don't spend the rest of your life regretting the way you treated the people you came from. Happy father's day.

wake up!

2008-06-12T14:41:00.005-05:00

c'mon brain, you can do it. just start small - maybe a color. pick one color that you really, really like. is that so much to ask? then maybe, just maybe - give me a hint on a font. Not even a specific font, let's just say serif or sans-serif, or script maybe? now we've got the ball rolling. how about some images? maybe a layout? is that too much to ask?

i've been asking my brain these questions for 2 weeks now - trying to get this catalog homework assignment done. i have the photographs, and i really like them - but that's it. i have NO IDEAS. none. zip. zilch. stick that in your design cliche and smoke it, asshat.

ok, that didn't make sense - but not much is the past few days. all i do at work is stare at my computer screen, and all i do at home is stare at my tv screen. screens are overtaking my life, and apparently my creativity. i'm not even all that interested in anything else. talking to friends? eh. going outside? no thanks. cooking? no way. drinking? well, always....

so yeah, not much to report. it's hard to be witty or interesting when all you do all day is look at what other witty, clever, and inspiring people are doing. i need some motivation, peeps! maybe i'll pick up and sail around the world, or get a new puppy, or run a marathon or get a freaking life. i'll keep you posted.

oh, also? it's 84 degrees in my office today. and my boss won't let us turn on the air. seriously? because dying of heatstroke is sure to make your workplace environment more productive.