Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl !!!” The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!”

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ……Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’s top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD..
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

Anyone is a programmer in today’s world. Whether you like it or not, knowingly or unknowingly, you’ve come across bits and pieces of programming. Even if you haven’t made your hands dirty with languages like C/Java or Perl, you must’ve done some Microsoft Excel (VBA) programming or writing Ms word macros. Whatever be the case and your programming experience, it always helps to have a place, a temple, where you get help from. While this exact place may vary among us, fixing one always comes in handy. Here I’m compiling a few such places, the ones I loved, which I’m sure you’d like it too for the programming languages that I’ve used.

For Qbasic, and this is the first programming language I learnt, the best place I’ve found is its in-built help. As a high school student and unaware of the power and limitations of programming languages, I used to read this a lot. The examples provided there will always guide a student.

Next is C-Unix/Linux. The in-built manual pages is a very handy reference. Though it serves just as a reference and not learning or exploring new functions, this is a time-saver as you won’t have to open the browser and visit the web for such a trivial thing as syntax. Manual pages (the man command) is very extensive too. From finding help for the system commands to the shell programming (bash/ksh/sh/csh) do the man and find it out.

Perl. Once you learn this language, you start knowing the limitations of C. C is fast, Perl is easy. The Perl’s help system, the way modules are installed (perl -MCPAN -eshell), all these are unique and make it all the more powerful. For standard Perl functions and the run-time options, for the special variables and regular expressions there’s perldoc. Then for new modules (which you’ll almost certainly require), we have CPAN (http://search.cpan.org). Mostly written by the module owners, the Perl’s contributors are many; yet I’ve found it to be largely exemplified and serving the purpose.

vim/gvim. The editor that is lightweight and yet supports every complex operation to do your job fast. When you learn this, you know its “optimized for speed” for the same things might require a long,long time in any other “flashy” editor available (except of course, emacs). The vim’s starting tutorial is very good for beginners. The in-built help is very extensive but I’ve found it unnecessary to dig-in unless you want to become an expert in vim customization. You can open files across ftp and make changes as if its local, you can check-in and check-out files, you can run cscope commands, you can even compile applications all with this lovely editor.

Microsoft technologies (C#, VB, VC++). I’ve done little work in this arena but digging into MSDN always helped me a lot. The examples provided and descriptions given have never disappointed me. IMO developers can work even without an internet connection and having the MSDN provided.

Google has spoiled developers. Yes, it has got answers to all questions but its always easy to directly hit the bird rather than proxying through google. And if you’ve the habit of finding help in a common place, you already know the interfaces and chances are likely that you’ll look into the right places and find the solution faster. But for troubleshooting and quick-fix solutions, nothing beats google.

Excellent poems by not so famous poets… Found on toilet doors and walls…

A budding poet trying his best… 
Here I lie in stinky vapour,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this…
Here I sit
Broken hearted.
Tried to shit
But, only farted.

Someone who had a different experience wrote:
You’re lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it’s true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose… 
Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But, I come
Here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls….

Toilet’s walls also double as job advertisement space… (written high upon the wall) 
If you can piss above this line,
The Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door: 
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson… Sign seen at a restaurant: 
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food…please aim properly. ]]> http://hem.com.np/2009/03/23/poems-found-in-toilets/feed/ http://hem.com.np/2009/03/23/poems-found-in-toilets/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/HemComNp/~3/32CGNspQB-w/ http://hem.com.np/2009/03/17/the-barber-haircut/#comments Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:03:13 +0000 hem http://hem.com.np/?p=958

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.”

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.”

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favour.

Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?”

Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, “Your house.”

“Well,” he said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same
size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they
grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They
believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.” My
friend was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their
bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where
they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief
that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before? So
make an attempt to grow further…. Why shouldn’t we try it again?

“YOUR ATTEMPT MAY FAIL, BUT NEVER FAIL TO MAKE AN ATTEMPT.”

O- Originally
B - Born in
A - Africa to
M - Manage
A - America

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..

- “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to
write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Ruling
Party XYZ Said..,

- “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to
do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.. ,

- “How are these people going to get paid?”

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..,

Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..,

- “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Thiruvananthapuram. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press   myself on you and hope you will take me nicely. I am a soiled son from inside Kerala. I am nice and big, six foot tall and  six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working  hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a  good  batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.                                                                       

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am a jolly  gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always  giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.   That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym..  I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants are always open for  you.                                                                       

I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.

What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why  I  am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my   things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I   will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb  belles in the gym. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you  and  press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation. 

Expecting soon,                                                            

Yours and only yours Kutty