Her Story Lives

This drives me crazy

2008-07-21T09:34:00.003-04:00

I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen.

I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return. I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen.

I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return.

In the last 3-6 months I have been closer emotionally and intimately with him. Things have changed a little for the better in some areas. I know pornography is an intimacy issue for them. My husband was horribly abused as a child and forced to do awful things. I am a Christian woman so I decided to turn it over to God. In some of our intimate talks he has stated he did not know "why" he does it. He did do some counseling (about 6 sessions). They informed him of how devastating this is to your wife and family. I have seen him be in his own world - like he is not present in the moment and can also be very grumpy.

He has changed a lot but after two years and broken promises he has not "CHOSEN" to deal with this problem and when the stresses of life become to difficult that is where he goes - to fantasy. Recently I gave him an ultimatum. It was me or "IT". He moved out.

I cried for three days. My clergy said not to give up hope - as he had come in to discuss the problem with him. He told me he said he knew he needed to deal with the problem. That was about a week ago. He came back just a few days later needing sex and stayed.

I feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do. Today I told him this was not what I signed up for. He spent the day with himself (which is how they cope with the shame and the guilt) and said he felt obligated to come home and spend some time with me.

Last evening he told me "he was messed up" and wanted to talk to me but when he came home there was no talking. He looked exhausted and just went to sleep. It is hell for them too if they have a conscious. I told him I deserved better and not to do me any favors. He should want to be with me no matter what. I told him my life was a living hell with him. I don't sleep. This drives me crazy. I appreciate someone else's story as I know what they have gone through and their is hope in the future for me and my life.

Leaving the past in the past? I don't know that I can.

2008-07-09T08:56:00.004-04:00

My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.

My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.

After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.

He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.

It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".

I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon?

He was my light and then...

2008-07-07T14:30:00.005-04:00

I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him.

For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty.

I was wrong. (read the entire entry... click here)I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him.

For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty.

After innocently looking through our storage building, I found loads of pornography with titles like "tasty little teens". I was devastated and then it all made sense to me how I was subjected to the accusations he was making. It was because of HIS own dirty mind that he could come up with these horrible things I was doing.

I didn't know what to do at first and I didn't confront him. I just watched his behavior and found him spending countless hours in the tool shed and last minute"I don't feel like going" to my daughters school functions. He would make big plans with us and then back out at the very last minute to stay home.

Finally, I lost it and confronted him. Of course, he promised to quit and threw it all away. I've caught him accidentally a hundred times since then and now he gets angry and says hes a grown man he should be able to look. I don't stop him but he still hides it and lies.

The thing is he's changed the way I see him. I used to think he was my light and the most wonderful man even though he accused me a lot. I thought that was just low self worth. I wish I could see him the way I used to but I cant and that's the real shame. Now I think 'dirty old man" or pervert.

I cant make love to him without thinking about my disgust for him. It is almost like rape because I don't want him to touch me and now I find myself longing for another man. This is what he has done. I hope other men read this and heed their wives warning the first time. Its too late for us. Just keep in mind she can love you for pure quality and you can ruin that and there is no getting back innocence you thought you shared.

I want my life back

2008-06-25T13:10:00.005-04:00

I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen.

Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.

He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!! (click here to read the entire story) I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen.

Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.

He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!!

Promises promises broken broken weeks to months to years of false promises lies, betrayal. He was addicted to all kinds of pornography like hentai, japanese anime cartoons having sex (I never even knew that existed!!). Not long after I confronted him. Then the abuse started.

I was eight months pregnant with our daughter when I told him I wanted the pornography out of our house! He grew furious and drug me across the floor with a trash bag in my hand and forced me to throw them away as he said he wasn't going to do it himself. I got slapped, pushed, shook.

I was so scared for my child I just knew I was going to miscarry. This abuse continued off and on for over a year or two. Even after my daughter was born. I remember he'd chase after us once and I locked her and myself up in our bedroom as he punched the door open like freaking Jack Nicholson with his axe in the Shining.

It was then that I realized my husband had a real problem pornography that was making him violent, angry, and controlling. I thought, this was not the man I married... but he was, I just never knew it.

We had agreed before we married that there would be no pornography in our marriage and no abuse as I told him I'd never marry a man whom treated a woman with such disrespect. I was wrong. So wrong, so dumb. I felt like a dog, a loser. The man that had sworn to protect me to honor me and love me was abusing me.

Then he would tell me that I wanted TOO MUCH SEX!! What? A husband complaining that his wife wanted to much sex? Months would go by when I realized it was he that wanted too much sex. But just not with me. There was even an incident where I was with my two year old daughter and caught him in the parking lot masturbating.

The last incident I came home after buying his birthday gift. He had got around the parent control system I'd set up and watched videos of lesbians while my two year old was up and HOME WITH HIM. She was taking a bath while he was doing this!

I was so angry. Worse, I found out that he'd been doing this for two weeks maybe more with me sitting right next to him or while I was working out in the very same room. Only two feet away from me and he was looking at this. I want to leave but then don't it's so hard we have two little girls.

He has not abused me in 4 years, but the porn continues. I'm falling apart. Feel so alone. So ugly I find myself making myself sick from working out so hard now and not eating. I never thought I was fat or ugly until the porn images in my head. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself and to know it isn't my fault. But I can't help it. He does this knowing I'll leave him for it.

He's made blood oaths. He's got down on his hands and knees and begs me to stay. Though he always goes back to pornography, promise after promise. I feel mocked as he does this when I told him how it makes me feel less of a woman. I feel cheated on every time.

I want my life back to be myself again to be happy and prideful of my husband but how can I be if I can't trust a word that comes from his mouth. The irony is I asked him how he would feel if I was like these girls that put themselves on the internet. He said he'd leave me if I ever did that. What is the difference? Why is it OK for other women but not his own wife? Why is it hot and sexy for them but I dare not go out even in a gown on my front porch without seemingly being a slut though secretly he is attracted to these kind of women.

He's also admitted that if I looked at other naked guys he'd feel the same why as me? REALLY? Then why keep doing me this way why risk losing everything you have for minutes of pleasure compared to a lifetime of joy of knowing you have a wife and kids that love you more than anything in this world.

I've always been able to pick myself up from this to believe I don't deserve this that I am better than this and etc etc. But now? After 6 years of lies, betrayal so many bad memories erasing the good? I know men and some women that don't consider pornography wrong or cheating. But I ask how is it not? Your imagining sex with someone other than your spouse. At times you choose it over your spouse. It causes self esteems to be crushed, broken families, depression. Not to mention it makes the most sincere, sweetest men into total pigs, violent, controlling.

This was really hard to write and I'm at a loss. I know I'm not the only woman out there suffering day by day but at times it feels like it. Any woman going through this knows entirely what I mean... My heart and prayers for you all as I live this every day.

The most I fear for is my children through this all. What is it showing them? And if I leave I'm breaking my family apart taking them away from their daddy. But if I stay will he ever ever do as he says? Or will I stay only to realize I'm just making things worse by staying for myself and my kids and even for him? I'm I sitting myself up again to get hurt by the man I've known nearly half my life as my best friend, lover and now husband and father of my beautiful girls. This is what goes through my mind constantly every day.

Supposedly, he went two years with no porn at all!. Just 2 weeks ago was the incident with him on the computer and my daughter in the bathtub! I've got to put my kids first and him last... And that is my choice it is how it should be. As he is not my responsibility but they are and they are my world.

Determined not to succumb

2008-06-23T11:12:00.004-04:00

My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.

By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.

By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.

After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.

How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".

He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.

Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.

A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago!

A Double Life

2008-06-19T08:19:00.003-04:00

I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family... Click here to read the entire story...I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family.

My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.

But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.

After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!

I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.

After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.

Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.

On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.

How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?

I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)

I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.

Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.

I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.

The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.

With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.

I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)

So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.

So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)

I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.

Trying to get rid of the bad stuff

2008-06-16T09:17:00.006-04:00

It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.

I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage. Click here to read the rest of the story... It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.

I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage.

I worked full time during the day, my husband worked nights. I remember coming home and finding my slip or silky nighties out on the bed. When I asked why, he would just say that he missed me. We HAD to have sex at LEAST once a day, even if I had my period or was sick or exhausted. I was innocent and believed him when he told me this was normal.

I really didn't understand about the masturbating and pornography until right after my daughter was born. Even then he played it off as nothing. It was just because I was so pregnant. It was a lie. I have spent twenty years trying to believe him when he tells me he loves me.

Last fall we had to get a new computer because ours was so over-run with porn. It got so that it popped up all the time. He swore that it was just a virus and he had nothing to do with it. He was always on the computer because he was trying to get RID of the bad stuff. He really believes that it is okay to lie to me. He tells himself he is protecting me. We have four daughters and a son. I have spent my whole life helping protect my husband's lies so they don't know what their father really is.

Whenever I ask how he is doing he lies. If I ask anything in depth he gets angry and distances himself from me emotionally. That's how he punishes me. He has lied to multiple church leaders too. I don't really feel like I can get help anywhere. He denies anything is happening until I catch him in the act.

I'm embarrassed by how pathetic I sound. I am smart, competent and educated. Divorce has just never been an option. I want my kids to have two parents. He is generally a fairly good dad. Also, I know the other man inside of him and he is so tender. He has such profound spiritual thoughts sometimes. He rubs my sore neck everyday. He feels bad when he hurts me.

What do I do? Let's just say that I barely scratched the surface of our story. I feel like I just have to share my life with the filth. I know living with ths has damaged me. I just pray for strength and keep plugging along.

Two’s company, three’s a crowd

2008-05-23T07:08:00.004-04:00

[editor's note: this entry is sometimes explicit and may not be comfortable for some people. But the story is powerful and she needs your support]

Two’s company, three’s a crowd:- My husband, me and pornography.

I first got married when I was very young and pregnant. Sadly the marriage was a mistake and as the years passed we found we had no love for each other. When our son was just 12 and our daughter was only a toddler of 2, we separated.

The divorce was nasty and traumatic and during the separation period I had a major nervous breakdown- even attempting suicide. Our children were both very badly affected by the whole situation. We agreed that the boy should stay with his father and the girl should stay with me. That was a big mistake as even to this day I struggle to have a normal relationship with my own son, and our daughter won’t speak to her father.

My ex- poisoned my son’s mind with so many untrue stories about me that he has even attacked me and my home in order to vent his fury. The whole experience was nasty and my ex - even became violent towards me as well.

I brought the little girl up and did an awful job. Depressed people become very introvert and full of self pity as that is part of the disease. I regret to say that I paid my daughter very little attention during the formative years when she needed a mothers love. In later years she stopped going to school, stopped eating, started taking drugs and self harming. Eventually she ran away from home at just 13 and only came back a year later because she had become so ill.

I have tried to help her and she has improved, but she has never been happy. She is now 20 and unemployed with bleak prospects. I feel that both my ex- and I have been irresponsible, selfish and are completely to blame for what our children suffered. If I could turn back the hands of time I would have stayed in my loveless first marriage until at least our children were old enough to find their own ways in the world. I am full of sorrow and regret but it is all too late.

So now, if ever I hear of a marriage breaking up or a relationship in trouble, if children are involved I would always encourage the couple to try and work it out. I really wish I had tried harder.

Anyway the years passed by and eventually I recovered my sanity and met husband number 2. He knew about my past and was kind and understanding. However I should have seen the warning lights when on our wedding night he refused to make love to me. This was 12 years ago and out of interest I would like to describe what I looked like 12 years ago.

During my former 5 years of depression I had used exercise as a way of coping with my pain. I would run away all my tears and anger and would go the gym to meet people. 5 years of doing this and my body was slim, toned and amazing. I will probably sound vain when I say this, but I am tired of reading that only men married to ugly women use pornography because that is simply not true. I have always been blessed with good looks and never had a problem attracting a man. As a bride to be I had made more effort than ever to ensure my skin and hair looked great for my weeding. Yet here I was in the sexiest of underwear with my tones shapely body and my new husband didn’t want to know. I had to plead with him to make love to me. That is how the start of our married life continued.

He would have to masturbate just to get an erection and even then was unable to have an orgasm. Can you believe that he used to fake it? I began to realise that begging for intimacy and having your partner fake it was undignified and unbecoming….so I simply gave up. I hoped that taking the pressure away from him would ease the situation. We both desperately wanted a child, but without lovemaking this clearly wasn’t going to happen.

At this time I had no idea what my husband’s problem was and thought it was just something physical or psychological. He told me he was under stress from work. Anyway- we had to resort to IVF to conceive our daughter since we could not conceive her in the normal way. Our daughter changed our lives and we both love and adore her so much, but whilst just 14 weeks pregnant with her I finally discovered my husbands problem was.

I was in the attic over our garage searching for something when I came across a large bag I had not seen before. As I opened it I was confronted with hundreds or pornographic video tapes. I am not just talking a few tapes here- but something like 300 tapes. I had been feeling sorry for my husband thinking that due to stress at work he had lost his sex drive. However now I knew the truth and his sex drive was alive and kicking. He loved sex- just not with me.

I brought the tapes indoors, destroyed them all, packed my bags and left. I was heartbroken and felt such a fool. He was devastated when he came home and found his pregnant wife had left him. He begged me to return and promised that he would never ever look at pornography ever again. He swore on his life that he would give it up for ever.

Our daughter is now 8 years old, and I can tell you that his promises were just words and nothing more than that. He has broken that promise a million times since and I would never believe any man who ever said they would never look at porn ever again. The years have passed and although I have put on about a stone in weight and am pushing 50, I am still an attractive woman with a good body that I have always looked after.

Men still chase me- but not my husband. My marriage is sexless and my husband finds ever more inventive ways to access porn.

I blocked off the bad TV channels, so he got a computer.
I put porn blocks on his computer, but he could still down load “You Tube” videos as the software doesn’t block them.
I had spyware (Webwatcher) installed so I could see what he was doing and found he was accessing adult contact sites.
My little daughter would be playing games on the Disney sites when a popup of a naked lady would appear on screen.

The family PC was badly contaminated by all the dodgy sites he had been on, so I just removed the PC. Of course that didn’t stop him and men get very inventive when they hide porn.

Cars are a good place to search. I have found many a magazine under the spare wheel. He gets DVD’s now and they are so much smaller and easier to conceal that the old chunky video tapes from a few years back. I had to face it – my 2nd husband was addicted to porn and did not want to make love to me because he preferred the fantasy and the young nubile bodies presented to him in this glossy unreal world of titillation.

I now have my own confession to make. Many years back I was so distressed by his behavior towards me, I decided to seek revenge. My reasoning was that if he could have his own secret little sexual world- then so could I. So I started to have one night stands.

Some were guys from adult contact sites, some were guys from work, some were guys I just met whilst out shopping in the supermarket. As I mentioned before, attracting men was never a problem for me once I put up the “available” sign. I didn’t want to have an affair as believe it or not, I was madly in love with my husband.

I didn’t want a relationship with another man. Yet I have to admit now- these one night stands were seedy and I hated every moment. You may laugh (or cry) when I tell you this, but I had to close my eyes and pretend the stranger having sex with me was my husband, to even become aroused. Isn’t that normally a reversal of the standard rule?

I think my husband suspected I was up to something, but to be honest I don’t think he cared enough to pay that much attention or to have me followed. After a year or so I gave up this behavior of my own accord because I realized it wasn’t really revenge at all. How can a secret be revenge? I was only hurting and insulting myself.

I have been a “wife in a porn affected marriage” for 12 years now and I am not sure what to advise woman on this site. Despite his weakness and addiction I still love my husband and my little daughter is a happy well adjusted child who is growing up in what she believes to be a happy family unit. After the way I hurt my eldest 2 children through divorcing husband number 1, there is no way on Gods earth I am going to destroy the innocent childhood of my child by husband number 2.

So you can probably guess that I have elected to stay inside my loveless marriage for the sake of my little girl. She is more important to me than my lack of a loving sex life. Also the grass is now always greener on the other side. I left a husband who was physically and mentally abusive towards me and replaced him with a man addicted to porn who never touches me – no kisses, no cuddles and certainly no sex.

Lots and lots on men use porn these days as it is all over the place, as are lap dancing bars and escort services. I could swap husband number one with husband number 3 and find out he uses prostitutes. Men are so weak and there are no guarantees that the replacement partner won’t have the same or even worse vices. I have also stopped all the obsessive searching for his porn as it become too time consuming and makes one a bit paranoid.

I used to always look at my husband black underwear for white stains as that was a tell tale sign that he had been masturbating. However now I close my eyes and throw them in the washing machine quickly. I could always tell when the DVD unit in the bedroom had been turned on, when I had switched it off just before I went to work. It is easy to spot when my husbands been up to his usual thing, but I try not to see the signs. Instead I have tried to find a happy life of my own.

I have my hobbies, lots of friends and as always my gym and my running. I also try to be the loving mother to my daughter that I should have been to my 1st daughter. She is my top priority in life. I can’t ever say that my porn addicted husband and I will stay together forever. I can’t ever say I will ever really trust him, and maybe the next step will be that he moves onto the next level and makes sexual contact with a real person. However I can’t say I really care anymore. It’s much easier not to care as you will never cure these guys I do try to make it difficult for him to access porn (as in getting rid of his PC and the DVD), but I know I can never totally prevent it.

I have lots of close male friends at work, who whilst not addicted and remaining as loving husbands to their wives, still confess to occasionally stopping at a service station with a porn magazine which they dispose of straight afterwards.

You can’t imprison your partner or put them on a leash. There will always be porn opportunities for men who want it. So it’s a no win situation for people like me. Oh and before anyone accuses me of being a frigid prude, can I assure anyone reading this that this is anything but the truth. I do not disapprove of pornography at all and have before now have found it quite arousing and erotic. What I do not approve of is its misuse to the degree that a man prefers the use of porn to making love to his wife.

Lovemaking gives a relationship warmth and intimacy and without it the partnership can lose its sparkle. My husband is virtually little more than a friend and a distance has come between us. I think having a flutter on a horse can be fun, but I believe that gambling on a regular basis can be financially devastating. I think a glass of wine with a meal s fantastic, but I believe becoming an alcoholic is life threatening and destructive. I think that using erotic images as part of a loving sexual relationship is healthy, but I believe replacing the sexual relationship with porn is selfish, irresponsible and quite frankly sad.

The Absolute Hardest Thing

2008-05-21T10:07:00.003-04:00

Reading these stories is comforting knowing that I am not alone. We feel so alone don't we?

I have been married for 12 years with 4 children. I suspected pornography use from very early on when my husband insisted sleeping on the couch late at night. I remember him acting very angry at me at times and not really understanding why. He claimed to have issues with the fact that I had a teenage lover at the age of 16 and had come back to our church after looking for repentance and forgiveness.

After 2 children I was lying in bed one night and a voice said in my head,"Go look in his bag." Being completely asleep, I hobbled over to find well worn magazines of porn in his bag. That night he finally opened up to me about his addiction to porn and of course the masturbating that goes along with this.

Well time went on and I would occasionally sweetly ask him,"How are you doing with pornography?" He would always reply,"Good." I remember seeing darkness in his face at times and wondering. I would always think that I was being paranoid and judgmental. Wasn't I asking him if he was okay. I even would consciously make sure that I was always initiating in our private life so he would know that this was a place that he could get more love, more attention, more gratification.

Life went on like this for years. Knowing but not understanding what to do about the problem. I had two other children and during the pregnancy of the last,found out the truth about what was really going on. Since, I have learned much about this type of addiction. It can be subtle at times and "hard core" at times. It seems to rotate in cycles. Like circles, round and round it goes. I don't think that he has ever come to me to talk about it.

He has become so desperate to keep the truth that it has grown into this incredible monster that has affected every aspect of our lives. Work, money problems, behavior including depression, never feeling like things are good enough. We have sought out counsel from leaders of our church, even participated in a program to help addicts of sexual addiction. Still he is being "caught."

Funny, just like another post said. I don't even have to try. If enough times passes, I will find him....sneeking. It is more than that. I have young children. They are always doing reports on the internet. A place where he has harbored much of his addiction.

I sit next to them, even with filters and special programs and me right next to them, I am panicking because I am so afraid that they will be exposed. I have been doing this for a solid 8 years now. Just this morning, I found myself for the first time in our marriage, telling him that I couldn't be intimate with him. It honestly made me sick to my stomach. I love so many things about this man but this addiction has made him someone I don't even know anymore.

This is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever been through and am feeling so incredibly alone and scared. I know there are so many out there that are in my same situation. How do I take these beautiful children away from their father? He has expressed anger at me for not wanting to help him through this. He claims that he has tools to deal with this that he learned from these meetings yet it is still going on? Do I hack things out for 3-6 more months? When children are involved it becomes incredibly complicated. HELP-suggestions?

The Porn Bug

2008-05-07T19:24:00.002-04:00

I think that your web site is amazing!

I was in a porn-addicted marriage for 9 years. I commend you for your fight against pornography. I swore to myself while I was getting tested for STD's, (after finding out that my husband had been cheating on me for several years), that I would do anything to bring down the PORN industry!! How humiliating that was for me, a faithful wife and member of my church!!

I dove into a lot of information regarding pornography after I learned of his addiction and unfaithfulness. I found him wrapped so tight with this animalistic addiction, that he had nearly drown by then - and I suffered from physical demise related to his cheating.

After coming up with courage to stand up and let out the, "secret," of what was really going on - so many women came to me with a similar problem. I was astounded at the number of women who worked next to me, and went to church every Sunday, who was struggling with addicted men!!

I was more startled that nearly every story gave the same text-book description of the addict's actions, temperament, lying, cheating, money problems, family problems, etc. (Your web site supports this.)

Coming from the medical profession, I could see that this porn bug had an incubation period where it would lie dormant for a while, then exacerbate. The addict's actions would exacerbate during the active state of the porn bug's flare-up.

If you read into the psychology of addiction in general, you can see the porn addict also. Porn is a TRUE mental, physical, and chemical ADDICTION INFECTION. It bites people before they are addicted.

If we can immunize against the porn bug's effect (by having a resistance already built up in our minds and bodies) we will decrease the likeliness of active infection. I believe that the immunization is EDUCATION. Like many other diseases, it is better to seek out the immunization early, than try to fix the disease after it has taken its silent toll (as the addict will remain maimed from past damage).

As secrecy breeds this bug, we need to shout louder than the corners of our homes, to educate of the filthiness and horror of pornography use. This is where I believe we need to start in fighting the porn industry.

One story among THOUSANDS

2008-05-05T12:17:00.003-04:00

I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY?

I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her.

My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction.

I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done).

So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking.

After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them?

Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning.

It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid."

Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff.

Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be.

I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces.

This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet.

Consequences

2008-03-27T15:32:00.001-04:00

My story begins 4 1/2 years ago when I met my current boyfriend. He was 37 at the time, and married, and I was only 19. For whatever reason, being young and naive, I agreed to having an affair with him.

Two months later, his wife found out and they subsequently got divorced. For 3 years, I didn't know he had a secret life. We had frequent arguments over anything and everything and I occasionally had thoughts of leaving him, but I always stayed.

It wasn't until just over a year ago that I realized that he was turning to pornography every time he felt "rejected" by me. Last March I confronted him after realizing he was sending money orders via internet to women who would perform in front of a webcam for him.

He denied everything and became upset that I would even think he would do such a thing. Two months later, I caught him again, doing the same thing, and he finally admitted to it. He said he had been "scared" before and was afraid I would leave if I knew that he had spent nearly $1,000 on these women.

I was devastated and tried to leave, but for whatever reason, I decided to stay. In September, I caught him having erotic chats online and I moved out for a couple days. But for whatever reason, I returned and our relationship went right back to the way it was.

He was convinced he had his addiction beat and he would do anything to keep me by his side. It only lasted a month...and I started realizing he was at it again--viewing porn and having erotic chats. I pretended I didn't know, pretended that I could ignore the problem...but 3 weeks ago I started packing my stuff. I couldn't take it anymore. He was viewing everything from bestiality, to incest, to pictures of young children in bathing suits.

He told me that everything I had saw was just out of curiosity...but I don't believe him. Yes, I'm still here, but we are not "together" right now. I am seeking counseling to help me with my self-esteem issues and give me the courage to move on.

I don't have that answer

2008-03-27T15:31:00.001-04:00

How do I begin? Many things have happened throughout our marriage. My husband have repeatedly tried to leave the marriage. The last time he tried, I accepted his decision. But then he decided to stay. Is it permanent? I don't have that answer.

I was told many times that I did not have the nice beautiful body that guys desire. Why didn't I leave him for making me feel ugly, for insulting me? The best answer that I can give right now is - after a while, I believe him.

One of our problems right now is his addiction to online pornography. He is no longer interested in having sex with me. Our sex life has always been an issue. I always felt inferior to the pictures in his magazines and other women that he knows. I want to get some professional help. But, it's hard to find good help in this matter where we live.

So, I decided to write here instead. It helps me to imagine that someone is listening to me. I desperately need to share the pain and sadness that I feel inside with somebody, anybody! I welcome any advise or comment. I hope to be able to write again soon.

Indescribable Pain

2008-03-08T09:21:00.000-05:00

My story is long and sad. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. He's an alcoholic and a sex addict. He quit drinking 10 years ago and we both thought our lives would change. Of course, with no alcohol, things are much better. With the sexual addiction though, something more insidious has ruined our marriage.

I used to "catch him" hiding porn, taping stuff off t.v., gaping at other women out in public. In fact, I used to try to catch him. I gave up on that several years ago as it became apparent I didn't have to try, that given enough time I would always accidentally catch him. After years of suffering,my womanhood destroyed, I began to realize he is very sick. So sick that I can't even imagine.

He has spells where he does well but I can always feel when he is slipping back in. He's in one of those dark times right now. The long term affects of this has been a destruction of our sweet love we once shared. I'm beginning to not care about him and I hate that. I'm beginning to not care what he does at all. There was a time when I thought we would give our lives for each other, but he had his own needs to look after, that were more important than our relationship.

For the first time in 20 years I find that I don't want him to touch me anymore. It feels dirty. I feel like I'm being used or he's having sex with me just to keep me around as I feel he prefers masturbation.

About two weeks ago I was thinking about joining a gym so I could swim. I told him that I wondered if I got a part-time job there, if I could get a membership free. I had been thinking of getting a part-time job anyway and that way I could get the gym with it. He thought that was hilarious. He laughed and laughed. When I asked him what was so funny, he said they only hire "fit" women in those places and if I applied there they would just laugh at me. For the first time

I realized he has compared me to his fantasy women and I indeed have come up short. He has rejected me but doesn't have the courage or manhood to tell me that he has chosen paper/ink and t.v. whores over the woman who gave her life for him.

The pain I feel is indescribable, as all the pain I've endured for the last 20 years has coalesced into a fine, piercing point & now I know I have lost the battle for the love of my life. My poor sick husband thinks he's better than me. He mind has become so twisted in his indulgences, that he no longer sees me as his beautiful, loving bride; but now I have become some gross laughing stock that can't even get a job as a janitor in a gym.

I wish I could say my love was strong enough, to go through another bout of suffering through his addictions, but I'm not. I'm done. I'm going to have to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.

Empty shell

2008-02-21T14:29:00.001-05:00

As a young child I suffered abuse by being exposed to pornography repeatedly by my step father. I feel robbed of healthy sexuality. I was taught by pornography that a woman’s value lies in her ability to sexually attract men. Pornography does not teach men and women that sex is about intimacy, connectedness, love or commitment. What pornography teaches is that women are objects of sexual pleasure for men and do not deserve respect or love.

As a grown married woman imagine my disbelief when I discovered my husband was (and still is) addicted to pornography. The pain is overwhelming when you begin to feel that you are not enough to keep your husbands attention. As your husbands eyes scan with lust over other women on the street, in restaurants and other public spaces your self-esteem retreats and you are left as an empty shell. You begin to retreat from your own life feeling defeated and in emotional pain.

I’ve lost my vigor for life, my faith in God and the dream that life held something special for me. All there is – constant worrying that yet again I will find my husband posting adds on dating sites, browsing the singles adds, spending hours of time looking for that ultimate sexual image and wasting his life in pursuit of false intimacy. So you see, those that claim, “Pornography is no big deal” have never walked a mile in my shoes. They have never had to instill value in themselves because an adult robbed them of true self-worth.

Every day another child is exposed to pornography and every day another child is taught that their value lies in external sexuality and lust. As they become adults with their own families, they will be left by themselves with a web of lies to untangle. Some, sadly, will repeat the patterns they learned and another generation will be robbed of wholeness.

Resisting Temptation

2008-02-21T14:27:00.000-05:00

I am dating someone who is fighting an addiction to pornography that developed during childhood. Luckily he has targeted it as a problem and realizes he needs to overcome it in order to view women respectfully and experience healthy love. In the meantime, we are being sure to live chastely so that the poison doesn't manifest itself in our relationship. He communicates honestly about it with me, and is slowly but surely becoming stronger in resisting the temptations. I have faith we will have a pornography-free relationship one day so that we can value each other for our true worth in marriage.

A little different.

2008-02-21T14:26:00.000-05:00

My story is a little different from those listed. As a young woman in my 20's, I was depressed and very confused. I posed for several pictures from different photographers over several years. It was a sad time, and I can honestly say looking back that every man and woman I came across in that business was an unhappy lost soul who masked what they were doing as being glamorous, creative, financially lucrative, or some other excuse. I have never been so low in my life. I am free of that now and have drastically changed my values and my life, but even though that was 20 years ago, I seem to still be searching for the pieces of my spirit that were so tragically torn away from me during those years. It hurts, but there is recovery.

Faith helps overcome the pain

2008-02-21T14:22:00.000-05:00

When I was 20 years old I married a young man who had a very serious addiction to pornography. Unfortunately pornography desensitizes a person and can lead him or her to inflict mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse upon others, all of which I endured from my husband.

His pornography problem continued to progress throughout our marriage as well did the abuse. After almost two years of being married, my self worth was incredibly low and I could not make myself leave my marriage for my own sake. Although I truly believed how worthless that my husband told me that I was, I knew that I could not have children with him and allow them to be hurt. So I filed for a divorce.

Though I did have to file a restraining order for a while, eventually I was able to remove him from my life altogether. Shortly thereafter, I was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 22. The people who know me now say that they would never have known that I had ever been a victim of the things that I have described to you.

As a result of my faith in the Lord, my family as well as my church family and friends, daily scripture study and prayers, LDS Counseling Services, following the counsel of my great church leaders, and attending the temple, and by believing that there is so much good in the world and by wanting to be a contributor of it, I have indeed become whole and happy again.

I am now about to graduate with a bachelor's degree in English and then I hope to go to law school so that I may practice family law and help fight pornography, abuse, and sex trafficking. In the book entitled Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, he states in Chapter six, on page 123: (Referring to Christ) He knows the private hell of the abused child or spouse. He knows all these things personally and intimately because he lived them in the Gethsemane experience." Matthew 11:28 states: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." The Savior truly loves us so much and I love him very much. Thankfully, every marriage does not have to end like mine. There is great hope in recovery for many individuals who struggle with pornography addiction. I believe that any victim of pornography - that includes the person addicted to pornography and loved ones affected by it - can become whole and happy again. May we all recognize the devastation that pornography is causing in so many lives, and the decency to the world that can be restored by taking a stand against pornography.

Taking Action!

2008-02-21T14:21:00.001-05:00

My husband and I were shopping at the Gateway Mall. We decided to go into Abercrombie and Fitch and see what it was all about, as we had heard about it from the teenagers in our area. We walked through the store and were shocked to see a pornographic catalog displayed throughout the boys jeans section.

I asked the manager how they could sell pornographic magazines in their store and he couldn't answer, but gave me a number to their corporate store. I called the number and asked them if they had a license to sell pornography. They responded that they did have a license and that they openly did sell pornography in their catalog. I then called everyone I could think of to help me fight this battle of selling these magazines in a store that was frequented by young adults. I called Paula, who was at the time the Porn Czar in Utah at the time. I called Rocky Anderson's office, I called the City Councilman, and then I called Channel 2, 4, and 5. The person that ended up helping me the most was Rod Decker.

He decided to do a story on this and he came to my house and interviewed me. He also tracked down the corporate offices also, trying to get a statement from Abercrombie as to how they were able to legally sell these magazines in these stores. I also called the police, who made the store pull the magazine and only sell if from behind the counter. Luckily, the heat from Rod Decker's story made the store decide to pull t he magazine from all of their stores in Utah. Unfortunately, the Gateway store, they said, was one of their highest producing stores. Thanks for all you are doing. We, as citizens, need to stand up for something when we see indecency all about us. You never know what a little effort can do.

Need Advice

2008-02-15T11:17:00.002-05:00

I've watched my cousins' family fall apart since I was 11. I am now 16, and at the time, their father was heavily involved with growing marijuana and had been caught several times. He also had been fired from many jobs and abused his wife toward the end of their divorce.

The daughter my aunt had given up when she was 16 had re-appeared, and my mother had found my aunt's old boyfriend, the girl's father. My cousins have been moved around a lot and their father lived in his own car for several months at one point. The boys lived in poverty for years and have just recently re-emerged into the lower-middle class. My youngest cousin, 15 now, has been involved with drugs and sex for years, while my other was more studious, but now smokes. I firmly believe that these are their methods of dealing with the changes in their lives.

Being computer-savy, I've always snuck around my parents' computers, hiding romance novels or trips to myspace, as many teenagers do. Before my father got his own computer, I'd recognized several porn sites in the history bar, and seen several "windows media player" icons on the desktop with simple titles, such as "01" or "03." I was only mildly surprised when I found two girls in a bathroom upon first click. I new what was going on from an earlier age, I must have been 14, but put it in the back of my mind.

When my father got his new computer, my old one, I would find similar files on his desktop. I believe he came very close to watching me discover this once, and when I would snoop around his computer later on, I hadn't found anything. I checked his privacy settings and found firefox set to erase all history and block cookies from everywhere, except for a few select porn sites. I still put it in the back of my mind, thinking, just maybe it was spyware he'd come across somehow. I'd heard stories of these things happening to other people.

Not even half an hour ago, I had walked downstairs, passing my father's office with his glass doors on the way. I noticed the reflection of his monitor on a photo he had hanging on the wall, and saw he was just opening up an Internet page. After getting a drink and walking back upstairs again, I stayed on the stairs and watched the reflection. He had a google page open and I watched for almost five minutes until he clicked it away and went back to a previous page. My mother was out of the house and he thought I'd made it all the way back to my room. A window popped up of a girl seemingly in her early 20's. He closed it and I saw a series of video clips lined out across a webpage. The images were blurred because I was further away, but I knew it was a porn site, and more pictures popped up.

I turned and went up to my room as quietly as possibly, unsure of what I should be feeling. I was already upset about some friends at school and didn't have anyone to talk to about them. I searched the Internet for advice of people who've caught their father looking at porn, and found several forums stating that "it wasn't their business" and that "your dad can look at whatever he wants." While these things may be true, it still hurts.

My parents haven't slept in the same room for over five years and my mother would threaten him with divorces on a daily bases a number of years ago. I had never thought I'd experience any problems with my family, but I was wrong. I feel scarred right now and I don't want to believe what I saw was real. My mother never allowed me much physical contact with my father since I was seven or eight, and I'm almost afraid to know her real reasons.

Although talking to someone is my biggest desire at the moment, I can't allow my friends or family to know, because I don't want their opinions of him to change--he's a very nice man, although seemingly largely absent-minded. At the moment, I can only live every day, one day at a time. I don't plan on mentioning it to him at all, and I know it's perfectly legal for him to look at such things, but I just don't believe I'll ever be able to see him as the same person. And if my father has been doing this for so long... what else don't I know about him, and others for that matter? My trust for the male gender has diminished greatly, because the strongest male figure in my life, has just broken my heart without even knowing it.

Hope On The Horizon

2008-01-25T11:00:00.001-05:00

After fourty-two years, five children and thirteen grandchildren, I found myself in a loveless marriage. I went to the Lord in earnest prayer. From there I was lead to the computer where I found pornography. My world as I had known it died. I experienced the same emotions that I had when my fourteen month old son was run over and killed in our driveway. Shock, fear, anger, blame, depression and hopelessness.

We separated and I thought my marriage had ended. My husband started counseling and invited me to come. I did go but the anger only got worse. I learn there that a person looses the ability to have natural feelings for another when suffering this addiction, and yes it is an addiction.

I wondered if I would support my husband if this was about drugs. About a two months later my husband introduce to the "12 Steps" program our church is holding. They recieved permission from AA to use their steps with some changes to include the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a meeting where I felt safe being able to relate my personal feelings without judgment.

Unlike the counseling it was free. Soon we became facilitators and now are helping others through our example of success. The past six months we have been speaking in church meetings, telling our story in hopes of reaching others. Our marriage is better than I ever thought it would be.

My love has grown as well as my trust. I have found there are two programs, an "I love you" program and "I trust you" program. The first is up to me but the second is up to him. Ponography is a disease and with the help of our Savior we do not need to travel this painful road alone.

Soon to be Ex. Porn to blame.

2008-01-24T10:42:00.000-05:00

When I met my spouse in 1985, I found quite a collection of disgusting, hard core porn in his home. I dismissed it as him being lonely as he had been divorced for about two years. He also had men calling him for sex. He told me his former girlfriend had placed his phone number in the peep booths at the local porn shop.

Being fairly naive, I bought the story. When we moved in together I never found any porn again outside of a random Playboy or Penthouse and really never thought about it after that. In 2003 I developed Herpes Simplex II. I asked him if he had been faithful and he said yes. Because a friend of mine who is a Physician's Assistant told me HSV can remain latent, I thought I had possibly developed it years ago and it suddenly appeared. DUH 21 years later. I have since been told by several physicians that this is basically impossible.

Last year, I found hundreds of porn pictures on his work computer. When I confronted him about the pictures, I was mainly concerned that he could easily be fired if someone was checking the servers as he works for a city government. As a HR professional, I had fired people for this exact reason. I then cleaned up his computer temp files and cookies as he didn't know how to do that. As time went on, I kept finding more porn and dating sites in his temp files and cookies. I discovered one link to an adult swingers site.

When I confronted him about a profile on the site I believed was his, he admitted to cheating on me one time with an acquaintance of mine. He was sure it was before I developed breast cancer in 2004. He did not want to discuss it any further.

Two days later I found an email he sent unsubscribing to a dating site. He denied knowing anything about the email even though it came from his password protected account. That night, he pushed me about 25 feet into my kitchen where I landed on the granite top of my kitchen island and two chairs. I broke my finger, he left and I went to a friend's house.

Long story short, I hired a forensic computer analyst to look at our home computer. He found an amazing amount of porn and dating site activity. I confronted my husband again on June 1 and he pushed me through the drywall and left the next day.

Our divorce is almost final, he had to admit that he had a STD in the interrogatories. However, he also gave a date for his "one time" cheating that was false as I had recorded his "one night stand" telling me the actual date they met after a bicycle race. It was more than three years earlier.

She has also insisted that she does not have Herpes. He had placed her phone numbers in his 1999 planner which was odd as we were never really friends and she live 500 miles from us.

I think porn has been a problem for my STBX since he was quite young as I was told by a friend of his that porn was made available to him and his brothers at a very early age. He is also an active alcoholic which I believe he has used to self medicate to ease the pain and shame of his addiction to porn and sex.

Internet porn opened up an entirely new opportunity for him to find anonymous sex partners and view sex on line. If anyone thinks that this is not a problem today, they are kidding themselves. If a person is already addicted to porn and masturbation, they now have the ability to watch live sex on-line, as well as find partners in their own zip codes with a quick search of numerous sex sites catering to addicts.

His addiction has left me financially strapped, 23 years of my life with him have essentially been wiped clean, and I am no longer a trusting person. If you think your spouse is addicted to porn, it is time to begin monitoring internet activity. And whatever you do, do not infect files by trying to figure things out on your own.

Find a person (usually at a university or law enforcement agency)that is trained in finding all the hidden activity. It helped me get an excellent financial settlement, something that is almost unheard of in the State of Michigan.

Comfort and solace

2008-01-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

I am glad to find this website and to know that there is help and hope for families struggling with this problem. My introduction to this disease really began when our church sponsored a workshop on pornography and my husband of 13 years encouraged me to go. I took the information home and discussed it with him.

The next day, following tips from the workshop, I performed a scan on our computer, not expecting anything but wanting to be sure, as we have an adolescent son. Of course, page after page of material turned up in the scan. I panicked at first, thinking of my son, but the times matched up to time my husband was alone in the house. I confronted my husband, and he confessed everything. He had been addicted to pornography for the past ten years. He was hoping I would catch him, because he was not strong enough to tell me himself.

He was willing to do whatever it took to leave the addiction behind. We received help and counseling from our clergy, and we went through a twelve-step program on our own using a manual. I made two decisions early on that, I think, greatly increased our chances for success.

First, I decided not to let my pride and hurt feelings get in the way of his recovery. It was not about me, and recognizing that made dealing with the whole thing easier. Second, I decided to be very confidential. Besides our clergy, I told only my father, who I turned to for advice and help throughout the ordeal. I did not tell my mother, my siblings, my neighbors, or my friends.

I got the support I needed, but I did not burden others with an offence they might not be prepared to forgive. I did not damage my husband's reputation in the eyes of those he cares about. I love my husband, and I am profoundly in love with him.

He has been restored, in my eyes, and I rarely think of the addiction that once horrified me. It has been three years today since I confronted him. The first year was very difficult, but also transformative. We weathered the storm together, and it has made us stronger. It has made me a better parent to my children, more compassionate and patient. It has opened my eyes to the danger can be in the lives of those we love, and to the mercy and power of God to heal us.

I hope, if you are reading this, you will find the comfort and solace you are looking for in your life. It is such a private problem. There are times I long to tell people what a growth experience this has been for me, how I have changed, how it has made me better. But my loyalty to my husband keeps me from reaching out. I am glad to do this anonymously. There are complete success stories, you just don't hear about them. God loves you and your loved one and you both can find healing and peace.

Pornography is bad... it's a fact

2008-01-18T08:50:00.000-05:00

My dad was a bright boy - the kind that struggles in school because they're not challenged. He eventually dropped out and entered the military. He was very proud of his military career, however, and worked very hard at it. A debilitating illness stole his eyesight at a young age, and he found himself unemployed and unemployable, and with a young family. He was devastated and fell into depression.

He had decided as a young man that there was no God, and that religion was only a crutch for the weak-minded. So when these life-changing events occurred, he literally had nothing to help him through it. He turned to the only thing that brought him comfort: his pornography.

About this time he started abusing and molesting my younger sister. I found out a couple of years later, but I was a teenager and didn't know what to do. I have since found out that since I wasn't the actual victim, there wasn't really anything I or anyone I told could do. The victims were questioned informally about it (possibly both my sisters were molested, I never was sure about the second one), and both denied it. So, in legal terms, "If there's no victim, then there's no crime." Except there was a crime.

Even though I was never molested, I feel like I've suffered. I had emotional turmoil for years (counseling helped - I highly recommend it), had a lot of anger, and issues with self-image. And I almost feel like I don't have the right to feel the pain, because I wasn't the victim.

It's been hard, having a story to tell, except that I don't have the right to tell it because it's not my story. I remember as a teen knowing that my mom probably didn't know, and not knowing how to tell her. I ended up just withdrawing and staying in my room all the time. One thing that helped me get through those very lonely years was God. It really helped when I'd pray, I could feel His love. That has helped me through my whole life. And our story is different from other stories I've read because there was no violence or threats.

My sister was seduced, and to this day is not only not angry with my dad (who has since died), but even feels that his excommunication from the church was somehow her fault. My father abused my sister for over 10 years, into her first marriage. She has seen her life destroyed. Her marriage broke up and she lost guardianship of her two children, who are now grown. She copes by being a very shallow person. She accepts people on the surface, makes excuses for everyone, and just deals with life one day at a time.

Pornography is not allowed in my home. And the hardest thing in the world has been to deal with my own teenage boys, who investigate the porn that is freely offered and easily available to today's youth, who have so much more time to spend looking for it than their caring parents have to protect them from it.

I haven't told my kids about my family. It's just too much ugliness, and we're all just trying to move on and leave it in the past. But I question my choice when I tell my teenage son pornography is bad, and he spits back at me, "That's your opinion." Oh no it's not. It's fact. And my whole family has the scars to prove it.

Get It Out in the Open

2008-01-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

Perhaps, although probably too late for me, this story will help others. My life involving pornography began in the mid 60's, when there was not much knowledge of the problem or hope for help. I married the man of my dreams and we had many positive aspects to our marriage. It was a sweet enough relationship to bring seven children into this world.

However, I, like others express in their stories, knew something was wrong, but it was 10 years into our marriage until I found out what it was. When discovered at age 12, he was told not to talk about it, yet talk was what we both needed.

I would have seen us through, but he decided I couldn't and after affairs finally left. I do not claim to have been a perfect wife, but I loved my husband with all my heart and still do. My life and the lives of my children have all been impacted by his addiction to pornography.

Yes, he tried to keep 'it' from us, but it is impossible to keep the effects on one's life, one's disposition, one's inner spirit, one's escape mechanisms from affecting those around us. Many of our children have struggled with their own addictions, but hopefully have overcome . . . I don't know, for they, too, have learned to not talk about their problems.

My heart aches, and I write only to encourage those involved to TALK (One counselor told me that 85% of those who communicated -- shared in overcoming the problem made it -- only 35% of those who did not talk made it)-- GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN -- GET HELP. DON'T EMBRACE THE LIE THAT THIS IS JUST THE WAY I AM. MINDS CAN BE CHANGED. LIVES CAN BE CLEANED. GOOD LUCK!!