Hey Epiphora

Jack’s Blowjob Lessons: the scam and the take-down

Epiphora — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:50:05 +0000

A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook. We found his promo website, and there were fits of laughter and despair all over Twitter, because, well, look:

The whole site is a condescending, badly-written plea to “girls.” According to all-knowing Jack, our men will leave us solely on the basis of a bad blowjob. That is why we must fork over $47 for his mind-blowing ebook. It is, after all, the only book you need to read this year.

At one point, Jack discovered me and solicited me for a review. I told him he was a douche instead.

Then he started making the rounds again, emailing my friends the same yawn-inducing proposition. Someone got the idea in their head that they were actually going to say yes to him, review the book, and call it out on all its bullshit. Somehow, three more bloggers jumped on board. Then it turned into a fuckin’ game plan in which a new review would be published each day for four straight days, creating a snowball effect of up-yours reviews of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

Sugarcunt, Scarlett Seraph, The Bedroom Blogger and Insane Hussein are the bloggers who reviewed Jack’s Blowjob Lessons. These people are my heroes, and they deserve our gratitude. They are brave, honorable souls who sacrificed their sanity so that others would, hopefully, find out the truth when Googling Jack’s abomination. Which is that never, in any universe, should you buy — or agree to review — Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

Considering the length of this “book” and the amount of jackassery inside it, each blogger’s review highlights certain points that others do not. Taken together, the reviews represent an epic mockery of every facet of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

The first review published was Insane Hussein’s.

I thought, for sure, there would be something that would show this is just a tasteless joke. But NO! It’s for serious. This dude is straight up, jack-assed serious about his “advice” to “girls”.

. . . the part that really got me was the Public Toilet part. It’s so.. so…. BAD! Public restrooms are disgusting already, so there is no need for me to go give a blowjob in one. I’m not a republican congressman, thank you very much.

Next was The Bedroom Blogger’s review, which includes an Inception-inspired meme and a whole bunch of lovely quotes from the book on topics such as ice cream, feminism, how being a jerk will get you blowjobs, “natural” male dominance, and so much more.

Secondly, Jack is an awful writer. Like…truly horrific. There are a lot of errors in this book. Also, something that annoys the fuck out of me…there are several instances of him saying “I probably should have mentioned this before…” or something along those lines. Dude…you wrote a book. You can edit that shit before you publish it. If you “probably should have mentioned this before”, go back and fucking mention it. You have that power.

. . . But even worse, no matter what question is asked, it’s pretty much the exact same chunk of awful regurgitated over and over again. Oh, and you should do anal.

. . . if you want to give a better blow job, don’t buy this fucking book. Seriously. I’ll fucking stab you.

Then it was Sugarcunt’s turn.

We, two 20somethings having relations with cisgender males, wondered, “Are we supposed to take blowjob advice from a poorly-vectored man with a mullet?” The answer is the same that it would be if you replaced “blowjob advice” with “candy”: No.

. . . Jack admits that he’s homophobic, sexist, and generally an asshole. (I haven’t even scratched the surface in that list. He’s a bigot in all ways, and this book is one entire cissexist tirade of crap.) He’s actually kind of proud of it. That just makes you want to punch him more.

Sugarcunt’s review also includes a choice quote about “music made by black folks” that must be read to be believed. Do not miss the Jack Hutson Drinking Game she invented, either, and check out the tags at the bottom of the post. They’re incredible.

The final nail in the coffin was Scarlett Seraph’s review, which includes personal info about her male submissive and her former days as a porn star — alongside hardcore debunking of Jack’s “statistics” and “techniques.”

Jack can truly teach you everything you need to know, forget what you learned in school and replace it with this:

Math: “slutty plus happy equals — SUPER ORGASM”

Phys Ed: “So you’ve got some extra junk in your trunk — go to the gym”

Foreign Language: (about the penis) “The shaft is also called “the stick” or fallus in Latin” (Uh, no… no it doesn’t mean that)

Statistics: “There are 10 times as many hot girls than great guys”

Health: “swallowing (semen) — reduces the chances of getting STD’s (yes, he used the apostrophe) when giving head”

. . . A few more random points, just because

You should never tease your man, ever. This is said right at the end of the chapter on how to tease properly.

I love that. I love all these quotes. All of these reviews. Hopefully this will teach Jack to stop indiscriminately emailing bloggers — especially ones that openly state they are feminists.

I repeat, DO NOT buy this ridiculous piece of shit ebook. If you’re looking for guidance on how to give a blowjob, I suggest trusting someone with an actual face (and who isn’t a misogynist). For example, Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex: Fellatio DVD provides both tips and on-screen demonstration, and Violet Blue’s book, The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, is $17. WHAT A STEAL!

Or, for $0, you could just ask your partner what they like.

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Shiny twisty swanky glass dildo winner

Epiphora — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 01:05:39 +0000

The shiny twisty swanky glass dildo giveaway has concluded, and I must say, it was a roaring success! Not only did I receive a ton of entries, but I didn’t have to tally them up in a spreadsheet because Rafflecopter did all the work for me. FIST PUMP.

And the lucky winner is… Victoria, who chose a Swarovski crystal color of jet black! Excellent choice, my friend! I’m excited for you to experience the Crystal Twist, because I freaking love mine.

Huge, huge, huge thank you to Crystal Delights for allowing me to give away their beautiful piece. And as always, thank you to everyone who entered! I appreciate all the love and tweets.

And don’t worry. Now that running a giveaway is a thousand times easier, I’m already dreaming up the next one…

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Review: Spider

Epiphora — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 21:57:00 +0000

It’s been a long-ass time since my boyfriend was interested in a new toy for himself. But when he saw the Spider, he was giddy. This thing really is interesting: a masturbation sleeve with a suction cup that can be adjusted to any angle. I was intrigued, too, because the Spider serves a similar function as the Liberator mounts, but without being a huge-ass chunk of foam that takes up space in the closet. Plus, the sleeve can be removed and replaced with a Fleshlight sleeve. Can you say “deciding factor”?

Made by a Korean company called Morriskim, the Spider (not the most sensual or appealing name, but it does describe the product, I guess) comes in a huge, white cardboard tube. The hulking toy, which looks like a strange barbell, has one cap on each end. Remove one cap to reveal the transparent, heavy-duty suction cup; remove the other to find the sleeve, which comes sealed in plastic and powdered with something that reeks of fake strawberries.

The sleeve is made of a “real feel” material, much like Fleshlights, and features a vulva that looks disturbingly akin to the Fleshlight “Lady” entrance. The big plastic container resembles the Fleshlight, too, making me wonder if this product’s life could be cut short by a lawsuit. Just sayin’… Fleshlight has been really intense about this in the past.

The Spider pivots 120 degrees and has a couple adjustment points, so many, many angles are possible, and it will suction to most smooth surfaces, such as desks and shower walls. However, any bit of texture will stop it, so our lightly-textured walls were a no-go.

There are three issues with the Spider: suction, suction, and semen. Suction problem #1: there is no air-release cap on this toy, so it’s basically a suction vacuum. The boyfriend reported that the insert felt too tight and that it was difficult to thrust into, even with a bunch of lube. If you’ve used a Fleshlight before, he said the sensation is similar to the leaving the Fleshlight’s end cap fully screwed on.

Suction problem #2 happens when you get too vigorous: the suction cup slides a bit. It’s still secure, but it shifts. Now, I had my boyfriend demonstrate how fast he thrusts into this thing (hilarious, by the way), and it was not very fast. So if you are one who humps things into oblivion — sorry, man, I don’t think the Spider is for you.

Then there’s the lack of a semen reservoir. The Spider has to be washed out (water only, I assume) in its massive entirety. When you’re used to the Fleshlight’s end cap, which can easily be unscrewed to clean the cum out, the Spider doesn’t seem very handy.

Fleshlight sleeves, yes, fit into the Spider after some shoving, but the suction-tunnel-of-death persists.

And sure, the Spider’s sleeve can be used outside of its case. The inner texture is pleasant, the boyfriend says, but it’s still too tight. It feels like the sleeve is trying to push him out.

So neither component of the Spider works very well separately, and together they’re worse. It’s a real shame. We thought about jerry-rigging it by drilling a hole somewhere to let air out, but we don’t own a drill and I’m not about to ask my dad to borrow his. And anyway, sex toys should not require power tool customization to perform well.

Overall, my boyfriend says the Spider is “okay,” but I think he’s being generous. Yes, it’s hands-free (I think that’s the main thing wooing him) and the suction cup is not a huge failure. Yes, you can put Fleshlight sleeves in it. But with its steep price of $140 (£90), I would not recommend the Spider unless you love intense suction and yet your thrusting style could be described as “leisurely.” Does such a person even exist?

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A milestone. A huge one.

Epiphora — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:04:42 +0000

I started this blog 3 years ago with no aspirations. No goals. Not knowing what to tweet about¹. Not knowing what to write about. Thinking I wouldn’t have any readers if I wrote solely about sex toys rather than recounting ~erotic~ stories from my sex life. At best, I’d get free sex toys and stretch my writing muscles, and at worst, I’d be rejected from all the review programs and give up on blogging.

But people started commenting and following me on Twitter. I made friends, wrote reviews, and over time, started to make a few bucks with the affiliate programs. I ran some successful giveaways, each time gaining more readers. And at one point I began accepting paid advertising, despite initial reservations that it would clutter up my sidebar.

Slowly, things shifted. I began making a bit more money, and so I started taking this blog more seriously as a sort-of “job.” Now, when companies ask me for a link exchange, I reply with my text link rates. When obscure sex shops offer me toys for review, I usually decline. I negotiate with people about advertising rates and send a boatload of ad renewal emails. And, most importantly, I keep reviewing — and sticking to my writing style.

I knew this blog was doing well. Still, I didn’t realize how far I’d truly come until the other night, when I crunched the numbers. I added up all the commissions (money I get when you buy things using my affiliate links) and paid advertising money I made last year. Then I divided it by 12… and stared in astonishment.

I’m making enough money to live on.

I’m frugal, for sure. I don’t spend money on much beyond rent and food. And this blog is not my only source of income. Still, I could pay for rent, food, and a new book or two each month, solely with the money I make from this humble ol’ blog. That was never a goal of mine, because I never thought it was attainable. Apparently it is.

Holy fuck, you guys.

I’m so freaking surprised. And proud. And thankful. Seriously, I would not be writing this if it wasn’t for all of you. Yeah, I do the grunt work behind the scenes, but you are the ones that have made my blog popular. I have made some amazing friends doing this, and I treasure every single person who takes the time to read what I have to say.

Thank you for commenting on my posts.
Thank you for reading, even if you never comment.
Thank you for buying things from my affiliate links.
Thank you for buying ad space and text links.
Thank you for trusting my opinion on sex toys.
Thank you for asking for advice.
Thank you for recommending me when people ask about sex toys on Metafilter and Reddit.
Thank you for chatting with me all day on Twitter.
Thank you for entering my giveaways.
Thank you for reading my drafts.
Thank you for laughing at my jokes.
Thank you for swaddling me when I’m distressed.
Thank you for emailing me sweet fan letters that remind me why I do this.

Above all, thank you for caring about what I have to say. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I’m going to bask in this for a while. Because this is huge.

Seriously, I remember feeling lost… I felt like I was intruding on people and didn’t interact much at first.

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Pleasurists #165

Epiphora — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:06:25 +0000

Courtesy of the bedroom blogger
Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed andTwitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 164? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 166? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday January 29th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

*Pleasurists just started accepting photo submissions for the art at the top of editions! For more information click here.

(...)
Read the rest of Pleasurists #165 (322 words)

Review: Severin

Epiphora — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:44:03 +0000

I don’t know how to say this in a way that is pleasant, but that’s okay — I’ve never really been the queen of class.

It feels like I’m pooping.

Because the Tantus Severin’s final bulge rests right inside my ass, it feels like I’m on the verge of a poop. Constantly. Especially if I walk around. It feels awkward, like it wants out.

I’ve tried to push the plug in further, but it always ends up resting right at that spot, with the neck hanging out and the base poking into my ass cheeks. The base isn’t super uncomfortable, but it’s definitely… obvious. And distracting. And I don’t know why it has to be so big. And it blocks my vag.

But mostly, this butt plug just feels odd. I was hoping the bulges would feel nice, but instead that last bulge just feels like a persistent reminder that the thing in my butt doesn’t want to be there. I like butt plugs that slide into place and stay put, not ones that are planning their escape. Even if that escape never actually happens, the sensation is not fun.

My Severin is the small version (4″ long, 1.5″ wide); there’s a medium version (2″ wide), and a large version (2.35″) that make me scream in terror. Yeah, I’m sticking with my Ryder.

Thanks, Good Vibes!

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Jollies resurfaces… on Etsy

Epiphora — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:36:25 +0000

I mourned the death of sex toy company Jollies half a year ago, but it looks like we all might have one final chance to get some of their toys. A couple days ago, a friend messaged me with a link and wrote, “Since when is Jollies stuff sold in an Etsy shop with pot leaf ash trays?”

My first thought was that some creeper was selling off their used Jollies toys on Etsy. But then I saw the name of the shop:

Chavez is the last name of the founder of Jollies, Luze. It was starting to seem legit. So I emailed them to find out. A guy named Ernie replied to me.

Yes, Luze is my mother and both me and my wife Shannon are selling most of THE Jollies Toys. We have back stock and hope to extend Jollies life.

And so it is. Chavez Dezignz sells ash trays, jewelry… and dildos. Their “Mature Adult Toys” section carries almost all the Jollies toys we know and love, such as the Jollet, Jollie, and Jack. There’s also the lump-o-silicone Rider, in case you want to clog your vagina, and the Luna butt plug, in case you want to clog your ass.

In all seriousness, though — this is pretty awesome. Some of the toys are even available in sparkle, gold, and polka dot!

Sadly, one particularly desirable toy, Mr. Man, is missing, and when asked about it, Ernie said there is no back stock of that one, but he would let me know if they decide to produce any toys. I’m sorry, everyone who always asks me about Mr. Man, but I tried!

~~This’ll very likely be everyone’s last chance to get anything from Jollies, so act fast.~~ UPDATE: Production will be happening! But not every toy will be produced. Ernie says,

I got the green light from my mom this morning to begin production on Jollies toys. So I need to get everything from her (masters, molds, etc.) Then I’ll get started. I knew you were going to ask about the Mr. Man and I hate to tell you that we are probably not going to get to do that one anymore….I know sad news =(.

So some Jollies will be sticking around, albeit in the small pond of Etsy. Still, don’t count on them being around indefinitely — if you’re interested in something, get it soon. My recommendations are the Jollet (a unique shape that stays put and presses on the G-spot) and Jack (a semi-realistic dildo with a slight lean and a textured head — I never reviewed it, but I adore it). Jack is the one with the blanked-out thumbnail. TOO OBSCENE FOR ETSY.

Jollies has a new Facebook page. Chavez Dezignz can be found on Twitter and Facebook.

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Shiny twisty swanky glass dildo giveaway!

Epiphora — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:09:23 +0000

You want this dildo. First, as you can see, it’s gorgeous. It’s glimmery. It’s iridescent. It has an effing Swarovski crystal in its base. But that’s not even the best part. The best part is that it feels amazing against the G-spot — I’ve never felt anything quite like it. You must experience the majesty that is the Crystal Twist, which is why I’m giving one away!

Awesomely, thanks to the generosity of Crystal Delights, this giveaway is open to THE ENTIRE WORLD! Yes, if you’re over 18 and you like crystals, you’re eligible! And if you win, you will be able to choose the color of your Swarovski crystal from the epic selection of colors seen below:

This giveaway will be run via Rafflecopter, which should hopefully make things easier for both me and you. Important! You need not enter with your real name, nor are you required to login via Facebook. Just click “use your name and email” to get started.

The first two entries (choose a crystal color and subscribe to my RSS feed) are mandatory, while the rest are optional. You can earn up to 10 entries. You can only tweet for an entry once, so come back and submit the entry later if you don’t want to tweet right now. And yes, if you win, I will give you an opportunity to change your mind on the crystal color… because there are so many!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Let me know if you encounter any problems with this form — otherwise, go nuts!

Giveaway ends on Saturday, February 4th at 11:59 p.m. EST.

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Review: Crystal Twist

Epiphora — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:34:18 +0000

Stay tuned today for a giveaway of this glorious dildo!

You may or may not be asking yourself, how can one go wrong with a sex toy shaped exactly like Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twists? The answer is: you can’t. Sure, you can’t eat this dildo, but it will provide an everlasting pleasure that deep-fried, cinnamon-sugar-dusted dough simply cannot.

I mean it. I don’t throw around the word “everlasting.”¹ The Crystal Twist is a dildo I will be keeping — and enjoying — forever. Because I have never felt anything like this, in all my years of sex toy fanaticism. That’s very rare.

It doesn’t hurt that the Crystal Twist is downright gorgeous. It has a Swarovski crystal embedded in its base; I chose the Aurora Borealis color, which is a mixture of blues, greens, and purples. I read somewhere that you can tell something is a genuine Swarovski crystal² if you can stare deeply into it. That’s definitely the case with this crystal: the sparkling goes on and on.

The Crystal Twist’s swirly shape means it’s not merely inserted; for optimum comfort, it should be screwed in. Here is where this dildo taught me something new about my genitals. No matter how I position it, there is only one way the Crystal Twist will screw into my vagina: counter-clockwise. Is my vagina secretly a computer terminal? I HOPE SO.

Surprisingly, once inserted and left there, it mostly feels like nothing. It screws in all the way, reaching a moment where I can’t screw any further without it bouncing back. With a shaft length of a little less than 5 1/2 inches, it looks short at first, but it’s actually the perfect length. It does not annoy my cervix in the least, and it hits my G-spot creepily well.

Wat? G-spot? I know. It has no curve whatsoever, and no pronounced head. It is not named the G-Twist (oh yeah, that was already taken). And yet… this dildo offers one of the most unique G-spot sensations I’ve ever felt.

Here’s how it works. I grasp the crystal-adorned base and start doing this back-and-forth twisting motion; I twist a bit, then let it bounce back naturally. One of the ridges — it feels like the very last one on the tip, but I’m not sure — pushes against my G-spot in the most delicious way. Like, it feels like my insides are being manipulated ever so slightly. I know that sounds hardcore. Maybe it is. Maybe other people would feel this sensation and start squirming with discomfort. But I just want more and more twisting. I twist myself silly.

It’s addictive.

I can’t thrust. The shape just isn’t conducive to that kind of movement. But it doesn’t matter, because all I want to do is twist it against my G-spot all day and all night.

This toy would be a nightmare for partner use. Or, I suppose, it could be a lesson in communication — like those challenges on Tool Academy where you can only win if you talk to your girlfriend like she’s a human being. That simile didn’t work out as well as I’d hoped, but you know what I mean. You’d have to guide your partner every second, and you’d have to trust that they wouldn’t start twisting away joyfully without your consent. Taken too far, it can feel a little like you’re making scrambled eggs with your insides.

But in your own, all-knowing hand, the Crystal Twist is fucking majestic. Like a glorious bunch of fingers pressing upward in just the right spot. If you’re like me, you might find yourself thinking okay, just one more orgasm… I haven’t squirted with it yet, but I might be able to if I can twist fast enough (NEW GOAL!). I don’t need to squirt to enjoy the sensation, though. Not at all.

The Crystal Twist comes with a black bag that folds over on itself and can be tied closed with two ribbons. The amount of padding is just enough to protect the toy without the bag becoming too bulky. The toy does not come with any unnecessary packaging.

This is important to note because glass sex toys have become weird lately; the big companies discovered them and have started making cheap-o versions that are, for instance, painted with shit that flakes off. It’s more important than ever that we support small businesses producing handmade glass toys; the quality is truly unmatched. And Shellie, the founder of Crystal Delights, happens to be a total sweetheart.

But that does not affect my opinion of the Crystal Twist. If it felt like being fucked with an oversized screw, I’d tell you. It doesn’t. It feels like being fucked with a really well-designed glass dildo. A dildo unlike any other.

The Crystal Twist: the perfect gift for the person who has every~~thing~~ dildo. It’s sparkly, it’s glamorous, and it’s different. There is no other dildo like this one in the world, likely because nobody had the guts to make it. Crystal Delights did. I worship at their feet.

(If you like the twisty shape but would rather have something for your ass, check out the Crystal Twist Mini Plug.)

P.S. Crystal Delights is offering a 25% discount code to anyone who
sends in a picture of a destroyed jelly toy. I highly approve of this.

Like some do… cough — Jimmyjane whenever they talk about the Littla Chroma — cough.
I would rather not admit how many times I’ve googled “Swarovski” to check the spelling.

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Jack-off Journal #13

Epiphora — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 18:13:01 +0000

[Sorry this one has taken SO LONG. I want to recount only the
best masturbation stories... of the year, apparently.]

February 3rd, 2011

Tonight I found one of my favorite male pornstars, Danny Wylde, on cam. When he saw my name in the chatroom, he said, “holy shit, is this the Epiphora?” and I just about died. He said he was a fanboy of me (?!). Holy crap, camming is exhilarating and nerve-wracking. I felt like a paranoid mom, checking to make sure my webcam wasn’t automatically turning on. I want Danny to see me in my hottest form, not with disheveled hair and in my pajamas drinking a Rockstar. Shit.

When he left the session taunting us that he was going to go jack off in a corner, I knew what I had to do: I retrieved my Rough Sex DVD and went to town watching him and Sasha Grey. My weapons of choice: Bliss 8 and MiMi.

I spent the rest of the night watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, of course.

February 21st, 2011

This happens a lot: I was testing the vibration strengths of Mia vs. Siri, and suddenly I needed to get off. I pushed my underwear to the side and that was that. So sleazy and yet so perfect. I finished right before the boyfriend walked in the door with wine for me. I’m a boss.

February — March, 2011

I suffered, OH HOW I SUFFERED, through the Split Dildo. I got lube all over my life. I watched the Twilight Zone porn parody. Mild discomfort became the norm. At some point, I got my period, which offered a reprieve from the Split Dildo as my cervix shuddered in terror and would not allow it.

March 13th, 2011

Back to the wretched Split Dildo, but this time with a condom on it. Less discomfort that way. I watched Beautiful Stranger, and after an orgasm, I tossed the Split Dildo in the trash (I wish) and rewarded myself with Randy. I wasn’t even thrusting Randy, but I gushed onto the floor nonetheless. This inspired me to create a macro:

It did not become an internet sensation, sadly.

May 25th, 2011

Two words: erotic hypnosis. Some guy emailed me an .mp3, which I listened to with eyes closed, lying on my bed, trying to ignore the cats walking over me. This mp3 consisted of a creepy male voice talking in the first person, taking breaths between words he should not have been taking breaths between, describing what he was doing to me — brushing me with his paintbrush (not a euphemism) and blowing his breath on me, because what woman doesn’t love that?

I did not become hypnotized, possibly because I was too busy feminazi-ing in my head over him calling my vulva “your sex” and his genitals “my cock,” then never going down on me or fingering me, yet having me stroke his stupid penis the moment it came out.

At the end he “filled” me with his “seed,” and I sent the guy a very non-descript email which basically said, “I don’t think it’s for me.” To put it mildly. That guy has no idea how much agony I have saved him by not reviewing his mp3.

May 7th, 2011

I have never seen a woman so utterly thrilled to be part of a threesome.

May 31st, 2011

After a long night of writing, I pushed aside my underwear and used the Form 4 while watching Boundaries 6. I had corn dogs in the oven, so I tried to see if I could orgasm at the exact moment the timer went off. I did. I am amazing. The end.

August 21st, 2011

Mid-day jack-off session. Watched Tori Black and Anthony Rosano in Big Wet Asses 16. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like wet things. Besides, Tori Black is a spitfire. And I quote: “stab me with that fuckin’ dick.”

October 3rd, 2011

You know a porno is going to be a doozy when it’s called Lesbian Hitchhiker. Sugarcunt and I suffered through this movie, which seemed to revolve around over-enthusiastic cougars with long fingernails creeping on idiotic blonde girls and magically transforming them into lesbians. This one cougar kept moaning, “oh, I can feel your teeth” while getting eaten out. It was terrifying.

And, because Melissa Monet was in the movie, I was prepared for her infamous face:

But even that is not as bad as this fact: there were FLIES in EVERY SCENE. Seriously. Every single scene, I saw flies buzzing around. Indoor and outdoor scenes. How does that happen?

October 6th, 2011

Congregated online with Sugarcunt and Scarlett Seraph to watch Saw: A XXX Parody. 99% of it was terrible. For example, Ron Jeremy existed. And there was this guy.

And there was the worst “song” I’ve ever heard, with the lyric “your mouth was made for loving me.” You know what? Fuck it, you need to hear this. Because it sounds like something some drunk college dudes recorded in a dorm room.

Yeah. So you can see how we were easily distracted by details…

Sugarcunt: LOOK AT THAT WALL THING WITH THE CANDLES
Sugarcunt: I ACTUALLY LIKE THAT SCONCE THING.
Epiphora: sconce. that’s one word you’ll never hear in porn
Sugarcunt: “I’m the decor repairman. Did someone need a sconce fixed?”
Scarlett: I want to make a porn just so I can put that in there
Sugarcunt: “I’m your (totally hetero) interior designer and I think this room needs sconces. Also my dick in your ass.”
Epiphora: i hope you don’t mind i’ve replaced the candles with butt plugs
Sugarcunt: And all the butt plugs with candles.

October 23rd, 2011

I had this grand idea that I was going to masturbate on the couch with the Throe under me. Only my headphone cord just barely reached across the living room, so I spent the entire time with my head tilted just so, ogling James Deen and Kylie Ireland on my computer, awkwardly adjusting the Pure Wand and Mystic Wand. My legs were sore from doing squats, so they were failing me. How many orgasms did I have? I have no idea. You know, a few.

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