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Review: Outlaw

Epiphora — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 01:53:55 +0000

The Vixen Creations Outlaw is a beast. I think we can all agree on that. Towering at a freakish 8 1/2″ tall, with a girth of 2″ and an insanely detailed shaft, there is no denying the Outlaw’s presence. Mine is in the delicious chocolate color, which is deep and rich — probably my favorite of the three available skin tones.

I’ve had bigger with Vixen’s Randy (2 3/16″), but Outlaw has that combination of length and girth that can make a sex toy truly daunting. It actually obstructs the porn on my monitor when I set it out on my desk.

Made of the amazing 100% silicone VixSkin material, Outlaw is realistic to the max. It is extremely squishy, with a firm inner core that allows it to stand upright, straight and proud. The shaft is decorated with a plethora of veins and skin lines, and a cluster of wrinkles under the head where the foreskin is pulled back.

Even for me, the Outlaw can feel like a stretch. But it’s a really good stretch from a cock that seems right out of a gross erotica story: thick, veiny, throbbing — okay, not throbbing, but you know what I mean. It feels like an awesome, hefty penis, opening me up and whispering take it.

Outlaw’s 8 1/2″ length is intense, too, and that measurement is what made me hesitate to request it. And sure, as I suspected, I can only insert about seven of those inches before I bump into my cervix, but it is far from bothersome. Without the dildo’s base right against my vulva, I can access my clit more easily anyway.

I don’t ever feel Outlaw’s balls against my skin, but they are a helpful reminder of the dildo’s angle. I never have tilting or slipping issues.

Due to the cervix-poking, Outlaw is not a dildo I thrust a ton. I simply enjoy its girth, sometimes nudging it a little deeper to see how much length I can take. When I near orgasm, I wiggle Outlaw back and forth, enjoying the G-spot stimulation, then slide it out and, most likely, gush on myself.

Of course, I am a G-spot fiend. And while I do squirt with Outlaw, the G-spot stimulation is not immense. I do believe that this is the Outlaw’s only “flaw” — it is not curved, not in the least. Because the material is soft, Outlaw’s shaft actually droops downward about an inch when I use/hold it. And Outlaw’s head doesn’t provide a great deal of G-spot stimulation. This dildo is more just a girthy monster, not a G-spot god like, say, Maverick.

But that’s really okay with me. The awesome length and girth, coupled with enough G-spot stimulation to make me squirt, are more than enough. It certainly helps that VixSkin is a fucking amazing material, and may quite possibly be my favorite material for internal stimulation. The skin just feels — for lack of a better word — real.

And so it is — I have conquered yet another huge dildo, and I’ve fallen in love with yet another Vixen cock. Things are getting dire over here. I am a VixSkinoholic. I need therapy… in the form of more dildos.

Really though. Outlaw is a rad dildo. Enormous and floppy, but stiff on the inside, Outlaw satisfies my thirst for girth, curiosity for length, and lust for VixSkin. Outlaw may be a beast, but it is a glorious, glorious beast.

Buy the Outlaw here! Thanks so much, Vixen Creations!

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Purpleheart vs. Cocobolo

Epiphora — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 20:46:18 +0000

These kinds of emails are the best to receive:

It’s time for another round of awkward question of the day: Would you be able to take a picture of your Seduction and Intrigue? I really want both of those, but I’m having a hard time discerning between the colors of the wood from your blog picture.

Why yes, of course! But I must throw Romp in there for good measure:

Seduction (Purpleheart), Romp (Cocobolo), and Intrigue (Cocobolo).

Hello, wood. You are looking quite beautiful today!

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We came, we Tickled.

Epiphora — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 05:48:52 +0000

Hoorah! My Tickle gift card giveaway went swimmingly. The Twitter parties were great — we discussed many awesome things, like how sex toys are different from humans (sex toys can’t knock you up) and what toys would be most useful in the event of a zombie apocalypse (many people mentioned lighting phthalate-laden dongs on fire). I was seriously laughing.

And throughout all the fun, I was able to give away some gift card cash to the awesome sex shop, Tickle. The winners of the 10- and 15- dollar cards were Elodie, siniful, cand86, sexysweetieshan, A_K_A_2010, Saraid, Luscious Lily, and PollyVincere.

And the winner of the $50 gift card is… Ash! Who will most likely be getting a Share XL, Pure Wand, and/or Devine Toys toybox. Decisions, decisions!

Thanks to everyone who participated for making this an amazing — and hilarious — giveaway.

A big thanks to Tickle for sponsoring!

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Pleasurists #92

Epiphora — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 03:48:56 +0000

Abandoned Nude 4 by tiago13pereira

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

(...)
Read the rest of Pleasurists #92 (686 words)

Review: Eleven

Epiphora — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 22:03:38 +0000

I don’t normally have sexual dreams, but I’ve had dreams about the Njoy Eleven. They were always incredible jack-off sessions consisting of intense G-spot stimulation and unspeakable pleasure. At nearly $300 on most sites, the solid stainless steel Eleven is one of the most expensive sex toys ever made, and therefore should be the stuff of fantasies.

In my dreams, though, the Eleven didn’t weigh anything — and I sure as hell wasn’t wielding it myself. No, in my dreams it suspended itself for my pleasure, and all I had to do was grind down on it. I would wake up yearning intensely for the toy. I was certain I would love it. I mean love it. I’ve become a size queen lately, and the Eleven is practically made for people like me.

I was fully expecting to have to urge all of you to go spend $300 right about now. So I guess it’s sort-of a relief that I don’t have to do that, because the Eleven is a fine toy — but worth $300? No. It’s not.

Named for its 11 inches of stainless steel glory, the Eleven is also 2.75 pounds and girthy as hell. The smaller end is 1.75″ in diameter; the “holy fuck” end is 2″ in diameter. Um, yeah. No matter how big you think the Eleven is — it’s way bigger. I’d seen the Eleven in sex shops before I received my own, and I was still struck dumb by the enormity of this toy.

Well, at first anyway. The creepiest thing is that now it doesn’t even look that big to me. I mean, I was able to use both ends of the Eleven the first time I played with it, so I’m clearly a mutant.

The sensation of the Eleven in use is surprisingly, and disappointingly, mundane. The toy just feels very heavy — not really like a specific shape, which is problematic for experiencing G-spot awesomeness. And, to my great dismay, clenching around either end does not produce ripples of G-spot pleasure. The G-spot stimulation is just… okay. Plus, I can barely feel those ridges that felt so amazing in my dreams.

Then there’s the thrusting issue. I can’t thrust the small end a ton because I have to hold onto the (VERY HEAVY) massive end. And when I insert the huge end, I can only thrust it back and forth about one inch, because it gets stuck in the small area past the pubic bone. If I were to squirt with this toy (which I haven’t been able to do), I wouldn’t be able to quickly push/pull it out like I can with softer/smaller toys, which could be dissatisfying.

After my first solo experience with the Eleven, I started to feel kind-of depressed. Using it did not result in an explosion of pleasure like I’d anticipated. I didn’t yearn to use it during my masturbation sessions. And meanwhile, my friend (who swears by the Eleven) kept prodding me to use the dildo with my boyfriend. But I was in a slump, so I dragged my feet for a while.

When I did try the Eleven with my boyfriend wielding it, I was faced with a familiar feeling: disappointment. While my hands were happy to be free from heavy stainless steel, my pussy was not responding any differently. Even with fast thrusting at just the right angle (which, holy fuck, took way too much time to find), I was perpetually stuck in a sort-of G-spot purgatory: definitely feeling the G-spot stimulation, but unable to squirt from it. Far more frustrated than pleased.

I realized that the Eleven was not going to be the stuff of dreams for me. I didn’t want to believe it, but it was true.

I continued to test the Eleven by myself, trying to pinpoint what wasn’t right. Here is what I realized: the Eleven’s angles are a problem. A big problem. Because of its semi-S-shape, achieving the most G-spot stimulation would require me to push downward on non-inserted part of the toy. I can’t hold a toy down like that. I can’t thrust and push it down at the same time. Hell, I can barely thrust in the first place.

I was able to achieve great G-spot stimulation once. My ass was propped up on my Liberator Wedge, and my back was against my bedrest pillow. Using the big end of the Eleven, I lapsed into the same blissful G-spot pleasure that the Pure Wand consistently provides. But it didn’t last, because thrusting with the Eleven made my hand hurt. Quickly.

If all I wanted was to be filled up, perhaps I’d be dying of joy over the Eleven. But I require G-spot stimulation. A lot of it. I expected it from the Eleven, and it failed me almost every time. At its very best, the Eleven is just a larger version of the Pure Wand. At its worst (which, unfortuantely, is often), it is a piece of stainless steel that feels nothing more than heavy.

$300 should buy me the kind of sensation that people wait all their lives for. It doesn’t do that. It may be shiny and big and heavy and come with a black leather purse with a freakin’ handle on it that I can tote around like a complete badass… but it does not feel like $300.

The Eleven is not easy to use, and it doesn’t usually hit my G-spot — two things that the <$100 Pure Wand does. For amazing, intense, jaw-dropping G-spot stimulation that doesn’t break your hand off, the Pure Wand really cannot be beat. The Eleven is more for filling up, with a side of G-spot stimulation. And if I want both thickness and G-spot stimulation, I’ll be reaching for Randy.

So what is the Eleven for? I suppose to say you’ve conquered it. It’s not every day I get the chance to insert 2″ of stainless steel into my vagina. I’m glad to own the Eleven, but it’s a frustrating toy that looks far more amazing than it actually feels.

If you decide the Eleven is right for you, Pleasure Galaxie is a great place
to get it, since it’s about $60 less than at most other stores!

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Friends I’ve made along the way

Epiphora — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 22:21:44 +0000

You know, I didn’t expect to make friends doing this. When I started this blog in fall of 2007, I was a bit lost and alone. I knew nothing about other bloggers, and I more or less assumed that I wouldn’t fit into the sex blogging community. I didn’t have much to contribute back then — all I knew how to write was sex toy reviews — so I didn’t think I’d stand out to anyone.

But I joined Twitter, kept writing, and eventually, awesome shit started happening. I started meeting people. Chatting with people. Befriending people. Sharing stories, inside jokes, and laughter. And now, I can’t imagine life without this network of amazing humans. I sound like a sap, but I don’t care.

So, if I haven’t yet made it clear how much I love y’all, I’m making it clear now. Here are some awesome people I’ve met online who make my blogging existence totally worthwhile.

Sundae — Hilarious, awesome, ingenious chick. We have bonded over Kid Nation, and I even lost my web-camming virginity to her. Sundae lives in Australia, which means two awesome things: one, she has a HOT accent, and two, she is awake and chatty when it’s 5 a.m. where I am. In our chats, we often use tildes and Xs to make words sound xxCOOLERxx or more ~important~. From her, I have learned many things about Australia, like that they call McDonald’s “macca’s,” they don’t like peanut butter on/in sweet things, their douchebags are called “bogans,” and they do not have Pop Tarts. This led to me sending her s’mores Pop Tarts and a butt plug. So we are now butt-bonded.

That Toy Chick — Total sweetheart, inventor of the almighty ChillDil, writer of awesome posts, TTC is a gem in this here blogging universe. Her video of the Alien Love Doll will change your life.

Elodie – Elodie is an EdenFantasys refugee who sent me a really sweet email when all the shit was going down. We’ve been chatting ever since, and she started up a blog called Love, Sex, Feminism and Cats; clearly she reads my freaking mind. Perpetually smiling cats are prominent figures in her reviews — sometimes they even write them. She is always willing to engage in mockery of bad sex toy reviews with me, so I am very happy to share the letter E with her.

Andy — An awesome dude who always replies to my late night tweets that would normally result in crickets. He has also taken several photos modeled after my avatar, which are absolutely charming.

Saraid — Saraid has taken to sending me webcam photos of herself making crazy faces, sometimes with dildos in the picture, sometimes with packaging tape or bubblewrap. These emails are always accompanied with LOLspeak. Our IM conversations are riddled with it, as well. Saraid’s and my taste in porn — and love for porn — is eerily similar. For instance, we both want to kidnap James Deen and keep him for our own.

Ashley — I’m not sure how I came upon this chick, but she is the shit. Her and her partner run an amazing blog, Pussy Goes Grrr, that skillfully blends posts about sex toys with posts about Amanda Palmer, informercials, feminist issues, and movies. Love it.

Outspoken Clitic – A longtime online friend whom recently returned to the sex blogosphere (and is now pumping out awesome reviews). She is a huge, huge, huge sweetheart, and has been helping me immensely in my recent attempts to work out and sort-of eat better. Like me, she is also an Eroscillator fanatic and Project Runway fan.

Holly — We both greatly prefer working at night, and we like our burgers and sandwiches the same way. Oh, and she hated a taffy tickler atrocity just like I did. Twins? I think so.

Carnivalesq — I think it’s obvious by now, from the number of times Carnivalesq and I have masturbated together (via the internet), that we are amigas. But Carnivalesq is the shit because she always makes me laugh. We are both obsessed with serial killers, and we both adore porn (best combo ever, y/y?). We are on the lookout for degrading gay male porn. As she puts it, “I want a bunch of relatively average guys… just going fucking mental. Like, guys you might pass on the street. I want fantasy guys. Like, ‘Hey, I bet that professor is a freak.’ Not, ‘Hey, that freak is a freak.’ I know that. I want a mindfuck.”

Britni — I get the feeling I would have tons of laughs if I hung out with Britni. We are similarly cynical, and we’re also both feminazis! Britni writes all her posts in 15 minutes and makes me feel like the slowest writer on the face of the planet. She also has a cute voice and face.

Vincent — Vin is absolutely insane, but that is why I love him. How can I not love someone who calls me his “favorite vagina personage on the internets”? And tweets excitedly at me with constant e-hugs? I love sweet, uplifting, awesome people.

Emily — I call Emily my “attack dog” because I can send her in to combat any douche-y comment I get, and she does it beautifully. She is also working on a Master’s in porn (um, give me that life, plz), and documenting it at her blog, Textual Intercourse.

Hannah — I first knew Hannah as “that one chick on Twitter who is always funny, always entertaining, and slightly, deliciously cynical.” Then we started chatting, and she is just as awesome as she seems.

Jaye — Jaye is hilarious. If you don’t believe me, read his account of using the Tantus Alumina Motion. He is often making delicious-sounding alcoholic drinks that I wish I had the ingredients to re-create.

And so many others: Crista Anne, Wilhelmina Wang, Polly Vincere (who loves my Jack-off Journals to an unhealthy degree), Femenina Deliciosa, Juliettia, Adriana, aag, Nell Gwynne, jonsbabydoll, Tomboy Femme, Miss Addict, cand86, femmina, Beautiful Dreamer, lovesickrobot, Luscious Lily, LadyAstolat, Lord Ophidian, Ghouldilocks, LibrasArt, VioletScreaming, Garnet Joyce, LadyInToyland, Brandy_W… I’m sure I’ve forgotten many people, so feel free to flog me over it!

This goes for anyone who has taken the time to chat with me, console me, say anything nice to me: thank you all for being sweet, compassionate, entertaining people. Thank you for being there for me when I need to rant, rave, laugh, or cry. I can only hope to someday meet some of you in person and hug you for an uncomfortable length of time.

Also, I’m always on the lookout for new friends, so if you want to chat with me, let’s make it happen!

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Review: Spring

Epiphora — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:15:39 +0000

The Fun Factory MiniVibe Spring is a little pipsqueak of a vibrator in the same family as Fun Factory’s Bubbles, Ocean, and Flash — all smallish, rechargeable, fully waterproof silicone vibrators that charge magnetically. Of those options, I chose the Spring because IT COMES IN GREEN. Yeah, I’m easily swayed. So what?

Not sure whether it wants to be a clit vibe or an insertable, the Spring is a confusing 3.25″ long and 1.25″ wide. Unlike some other silicone vibrators that are hard as rocks, the Spring definitely has some cushion to it — a layer of soft, matte silicone over the mechanical parts. If I squeeze the center of the vibe, it makes a slightly worrisome popping sound (which is more worrisome considering I enjoy squeezing it to produce that sound). But anyway…

One of the hallmarks of Fun Factory’s new toys is that they charge via a “Click ‘n’ Charge” system. The charging cord is a regular power cord with a quarter-sized disc on the end. It has two magnetic nubs that attach to the base of the toy. It’s a very compact system, and for a reviewer like me, that is definitely a plus. Charging docks are cute and all, but they take up space. The downside of this charging system is that there is nothing protecting the toy from attracting lint and other icky things, so I have to wash the toy before use.

As far as I can tell, the Spring holds a charge just fine — I charged mine once and have not needed to re-charge it since, and I’ve used it 4-5 times now.

The Spring has 7-8 levels of constant vibration (one of them is such a low rumble that it really doesn’t count) and a paltry one vibration pattern (pulsation, 3 speeds of it), all accessed via squishy plus and minus buttons near the base. If you’re looking for interesting vibration patterns, this vibe does not have them. It does, however, have a good amount of power. Definitely enough to get me off without wanting much more.

Why, then, can’t I seem to get into the Spring too terribly much?

Part of it is because the vibrations are… just vibrations. Nothing innovative, nothing special, and no fun patterns. I’m ashamed of it, but sometimes I have trouble getting excited about regular clitoral vibrators when my Eroscillator is sitting inches away. I can’t use the Spring without thinking of how much I prefer oscillations to vibrations.

But I think the size of the Spring is partly to blame, too. The Spring straddles the line between insertable and clit-only. Cool, sort-of, but then it’s too small for insertion and too big for clit stimulation. Of course, I like pinpoint clit stimulation, so the Spring was bound to feel a little bulky. Even more, though, it feels too cushy. When I use the Spring, I tend to re-adjust the vibe a lot, and end up expending too much energy pressing it down into my clit. I am a lazy masturbator, so this is not ideal.

Oh, and I can’t feel the flower relief. But the vibe can be rotated to use a smoother side instead. Both feel about the same to me — velvety and draggy, like Fun Factory silicone always is.

Internally, it’s just laughable. At least for me. My vagina is a cave.

The Spring is definitely fully waterproof, but this is a feature that I personally only take advantage of when washing the toy. Very, very rarely do I take toys into the bath or shower. Nonetheless, I enjoy this trend in newer toys and love the accompanying magnetic charging.

Upon closer comparison with other toys, the Spring is not exactly a powerhouse. While it’s stronger than most rechargeable clit toys I’ve tried (Bcurious, Cocomini, Mia), it is comparable only to the middle speed of the $11 Turbo Glider. And, tested against my newly-acquired Lelo Siri, the Siri is stronger — not by a ton, but by a noticeable amount.

The Spring is priced at $57 at SheVibe, but I’ve seen it around $60-75 most other places. For me, $60 is pushing it. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s a vibrator. I can get off with it. But I can get off with other, cheaper vibes too, so it’s a question of higher-end features, like rechargeability and waterproofness. I’m jaded, and I know that, so don’t let me stop you if this toy sounds fabulous. Just be aware you’re paying for technology, not sensation.

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Giveaway: It’s raining Tickle gift cards!

Epiphora — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 08:23:29 +0000

So, peeps, remember those Twitter parties I held a while back? They were awesome and really fun, so I decided to hold some more! This time, there will be no theme, only no-holds-barred chatter about sex toys and whatever else arises. And this time, prizes will be dispensed throughout the party, and the prizes are GIFT CARDS!

Thanks to the wonderful folks at Tickle, I have two $10 gift cards, six $15 gift cards, and one $50 gift card to give away! These gift cards are electronic, so winners can spend the money the moment they receive the card number from me. Come and get ‘em, amigos!

All you have to do is attend one or both of my upcoming Twitter parties. Simply participate in our discussion and you will be entered into the raffles for $10 and $15 cards, for a total of four winners per party.

Party #1: Saturday, August 21st, 3 p.m. — 4 p.m. PST. (what time for you?)
Party #2: Thursday, August 26th, 5 p.m. — 6 p.m. PST. (what time for you?)

We will use the hashtag #TickleCards. You must use this hashtag for your participation to count, so don’t forget! Also, be sure to follow me, @Epiphora, beforehand, or you won’t see my tweets.

The $50 gift card will be awarded via a random draw of all participants from both parties. You may earn extra entries into this particular drawing by doing any of the following and letting me know via the comments on this post:

Subscribe to my RSS feed or my email updates (3 extra entries)
Go to Tickle’s site and tell me what you’d buy if you won $50. (2 extra entries)
Follow Tickle on Twitter. (1 extra entry)
Comment with a party discussion suggestion! (1 extra entry per suggestion)

I hope to see you at the parties! I look forward to chatting it up!

Restrictions: One gift card per person. To win, you must be of legal age to buy sex toys. And… you must be awesome.

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Jack-off Journal #10

Epiphora — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 02:12:20 +0000

July 1st, 2010

I have learned a lesson about lube bottles. Before use, always cautiously test to make sure the nozzle is not plugged up. Today, attempting to lube up a toy, my lube split-streamed on me and sprayed itself on my shirt. Classy.

July 6th, 2010

Having watched a lot of porn in a wave of deleting, I decided to jack off to a scene from The Pinch featuring Evan Stone and Sunny Lane. It wasn’t as good as their scene in Pussy a Go Go, but there was THIS POSITION…

…which made me say, “creative porn performers FOR THE WIN.” Because seriously, the world would be a bleak place without performers (and directors) who actually try to make scenes interesting.

July 20th, 2010

While watching the beginning of Belladonna: Slut!, I couldn’t help but think of the obscenity case against John Stagliano recently. The first scene of Slut! began with slow-motion footage of water and soap suds cascading down Charley Chase’s ass and pubic hair. You can’t argue that this porno has no artistic value.

I think I have a thing for soap/water/oil in porn. Especially when a SPONGE is involved! Admittedly, though, I kept wondering whether the soap was real or not, and if it was, how on earth Charley seemed totally fine with consuming it.

I used the Fun Factory Spring on my clit, and the Vamp Talula was in my vag. I was a bit miffed by my inability to really grasp Talula’s awkward base, but nonetheless I came hard while jigging it in me.

Not ready to be done yet, I carefully lifted the Eleven out of its case and began watching the second scene, which began with Andy San Dimas lifting her leg up and pissing on a wall. This turned into one of the roughest scenes I’ve seen in a long time. Mr. Pete was relentless with shoving his cock down Andy’s throat. Normally I would not question consent in a Belladonna movie, but I really hope this was negotiated beforehand.

With the Eleven in my pussy and the Eroscillator on my clit, I had a good clitoral orgasm. Then I washed my toys and watched RuPaul’s Drag U.

July 25th, 2010

Forcing myself to dig into my “try again” drawer, I brought out the Alumina Revolve. I expected the ball end to hit my G-spot… but it didn’t. Fail.

My second dildo was the NobEssence Intrigue, which I recently acquired from a swap. The Romp-shaped end was glorious and G-spot heavenly, but the other end was too long and hurt my cervix. Ow.

Sufficiently warmed up, I dragged my boyfriend into the bedroom to try his hand at wielding the Eleven. After much thrusting, disappointment filled my soul. I couldn’t seem to orgasm no matter how fast he fucked me with that thing. So I scrambled for the Pure Wand, and proceeded to squirt four times while my boyfriend sat on the bed, watching me and petting the purring cat.

July 29th, 2010

Today I watched the rest of Belladonna: Slut! and decided that I was really sick of that same bleak brick room used for all the scenes, and that same sickly lighting. It was one of the first days of my period (which has somehow synced up with several of my internet friends’ periods… spooky), and this made for a lot of gooey blood on my dildo of choice. But whatevs — that is why I love non-porous toys.

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Review: Talula

Epiphora — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 07:31:46 +0000

I have never seen a sex toy angled like Vamp Talula. I mean, this thing is nuts. Just look at it. It juts out crazily. It falls over if I try to stand it up. And when I fuck myself with it, the bottom of the base faces the ceiling straight on.

My Talula is the large version (2″ wide, 7″ long), and is made of rigid 100% silicone — although there is also a softer version. I’m not too hot on the color I received¹, especially knowing that Vamp makes a swirly red version, but I’ll survive. Vamp still has some perfecting to do with their dildo-making technique; my Talula is peeling very slightly on one edge of the base, and there are a couple minuscule black marks on the toy.

In terms of design, Talula has no subtlety. This dildo is completely smooth. No veins, no wrinkles, no texture on the balls — nothing. All it has is a very pronounced head and a slight ridge that runs vertically down the underside of the shaft. Well, and it has that insane angle.

Talula’s lack of textural subtlety carries over into how it feels in use. All I can feel is the bulbous head hitting my G-spot. Since I love texture so much, I always say that if a dildo is smooth, it damn well better hit my G-spot. And Talula definitely does. Intensely. And hey, I won’t complain about that. It’s just not as interesting as, say, the Vixen Maverick, which has a unique texture and squishy feel.

Since Talula’s flat base faces the ceiling when I use it, grasping that base can be awkward. I’m used to bases that are circular and face away from me — this one is neither. It’s not terrible, but it takes some getting used to. Also, the base juts out a bit and can potentially get in the way of using another toy clitorally. If thrusted very quickly, it jabs my clit — though not uncomfortably.

So, used for masturbation, the Talula is a good G-spot dildo with a weird, semi-awkward base. But this unusual angle has a purpose, and a very laudable one at that: the Talula is meant to excel in a harness. And holy shit, excel it does.

I tested this myself using my Joque harness, and I was astounded. Unlike every other dildo I’ve ever put into a harness, the Talula did not flop. It did not droop. It stood, proud and erect, angled upward, and ready… for me to fuck the Tera Patrick Fleshlight with it. Although the Talula looked quite sickly after I dressed it in a yellow condom (where the hell did I even get colored condoms?), it was insanely easy to wield. The hard silicone, coupled with the angle of the dildo, is just absolutely amazing in a harness. For the first time, I feel like I own a dildo that I could fuck someone with, and have it not be a disaster.

Talula’s base/balls can be felt against my thighs when it’s in the harness, but it’s not a problem. Besides, the base keeps the toy sturdy. I also noticed that when I sat down with the harness on, the Talula stuck straight up. Thus, it would be perfect for a blowjob.

So, it turns out, the weird-ass angle of the Talula is both a blessing and a curse. Used solo, the base is awkward to hold and can get in the way. Used in a harness, the angle makes this toy the best strap-on dildo ever. Vamp has struck gold with this unorthodox design, it just doesn’t translate quite as well to non-strapping-on play. The simplicity of the Talula’s shape is a conundrum for me — its pronounced head is amazing on my G-spot, but I prefer more texture.

I see no real reason not to recommend the Talula, but I think only those wishing to use it as a strap-on would truly fall in love with it. And since it comes in multiple sizes, strappers-on can find the exact dimensions they desire. Just make sure the fuckee is ready for intense G-spot (or prostate!) stimulation, because that is the Talula’s specialty.

I edited the product photo to reflect the true color, which is a pretty light cream.

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