2. My boy’s love of stuffies.

3. Watching my youngest baby’s love of babies.

4. Little sports-fans.

5. Pacey Witter’s locker sticker. I’ve been on a bit of a Dawson’s Creek kick lately and I just can’t stop myself.

Schmutzie created Grace in Small Things to wage a battle against embitterment.

If you’d like the short version, simply scroll to the end.

Eleven are left. Who will be sent home tonight?

Soules and his girls are heading to Santa Fe, the location I can not hear without bursting into a Rent song:

Let’s open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Oh, sunny Santa Fe would be nice
We’ll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
And leave this to the roaches and mice

Onward. Harrison drops in on the girls to inform them of the Santa Fe trip, and of the two one-on-one dates and one group date. Megan is stoked. And a little confused. “I’ve never been to Santa Fe. I’ve never been to New Mexico. But I hear it’s beautiful, like a beach resort. I think New Mexico’s definitely going to be a culture shock from what I’m used to. You know, the hat sombreros that everyone wears in Mexico. I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. … I’m so excited, I’ve never been out of the country.” Oh, Megan. Were you not paying attention in geography class? You really should have been paying attention.

Soules says his expectations for this week are high, and that he has a lot of touch decisions to make. He mentions the “next level”. GIVE ME A CHART OF THESE LEVELS.

Date card! Ashley I thinks she deserves the date card more than anyone else. Because of course she does. I wonder how Soules feels watching this, seeing the other side of all the girls. It’s got to be awkward and eye-opening. “Carly, let’s come together. Chris.” She is obviously stoked. She pulls up to a southwestern-style house and Soules leads her through it and out the back door where a woman is meditating. Carly: “I don’t know who she is, but she is very calm.” She’s apparently a love and relationship counsellor. Soules says that if he and Carly don’t have intimacy, their relationship won’t work.

The two of them get dressed up in comfy tunics and do some weird chanty groany things. It’s awkward. Carly is asked to blindfold and then to use her breath and touch to make her way his whole body. She’s terrified. And thinks it’s insanely awkward. Oh my word. I can barely watch. Next up carly goes in the downward dog position and Soules is told to come up behind her and put his hands through her thighs. Soules: “She’s not a love guru. She’s a sex guru.” He basically imitates sex with her, doggy-style. Oh, sheesh.

Next up they’re asked to un-mask each other. Clothing is the mask. So … um … more awkward. Sex guru: “The more transparent we can be with our partner, the deeper we can go.” Well, yes, the clothes do have to come off to go deeper. I … goodness. If Carly’s not chosen at the end, the one who’s chosen is going to have a hard time watching this awkward weirdness. Carly: “I don’t really take my clothes off for anyone, much less on the first date. This is a first date.” She pulls his shirt off. He unbuttons her shirt and takes it off. Soules: “I was hoping this would bring us to the next level of our relationship, but it was really awkward, and very weird.” She undoes his pants and pulls them down a bit before saying that she’s really uncomfortable.

So the sex guru says to keep the pants on and just speak. She says, though, that one more mask has to come off. Speak about the one thing that they’re willing to let go of, the one piece that hasn’t served a relationship in the past. Soules says he wants to commit to someone for the rest of his life; Carly says she wants to feel worthy of love. (Oh, Carly, I so get you.) He tells her she is worthy. Next up, Carly is asked to sit on Soules’ lap. FOR SERIOUS HERE. The only rule is no kissing. Oh my. This. Um. I cannot even. She wraps her legs around him and they caress and “breathe each other in” and Soules is going to have to take a minute before standing back up. Sex guru: “Just look at each other for a moment and then thanking each other in any way you feel called.” They kiss, obviously, and holy freaking crap. I just … oy.

Back at the house Kelsey is talking about her late husband, about how they connected and could give everything to each other. She’s been a widow for a year and a half but she was once someone’s important person. He was walking to work one day and his heart stopped. Ashley I is all, why is she being so nonchalant about this? You’ve obviously never grieved, Ashley I.

Date card! “Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mckenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley I, and Kelsey, I am rapidly falling in love. Chris.” Britt is OVER THE MOON because this means she gets the other one-on-one date. Kelsey is disappointed. She says it is unacceptable.

Soules and Carly toast to their awkward date. She says she hasn’t been intimate with someone in a year and a half. Her last boyfriend didn’t want to be physical with her. He never touched her. And you went out with him for TWO YEARS, Carly? This date is just shocking me all over the place. It made her feel undesirable and has lowered her confidence. She’s scared that if she’s intimate with someone, it’s going to be taken away in an instant. That fear? Carly, it’s like we’re twins. Intimate vulnerability is basically the worst thing ever. It’s terrifying. She says that Soules made her feel very comfortable. Soules follows this by telling her the positive things about herself. He tells her that he feels that where he lives, what he does for work, it’s just not good enough. Carly says that when one finds that person one is in love with, all the other things don’t matter. She tells him he doesn’t have to fear that he’s not good enough. They are freaking adorable. Carly: “I feel like it’s a reciprocated relationship. I have not had a reciprocated relationship in a long time.” Soules offers Carly the rose and she accepts.

Group date! They head to the Rio Grande river to go rafting. Kelsey is still bitter. Megan is excited. I would have liked to see her moment of realization when they landed in New Mexico, rather then Mexico. She’s scared that the river is full of alligators and dead bodies. You’re pretty special, Megan. The instructor guy scares the sh*t out of the girls and then is all, have fun!

They take off, falling down the rapids, having loads of fun, when all of a sudden Jade falls into the water. Um, !!!!! An oar is extended to her and she quickly grabs it and hops back in. Phew! Apparently Jade has a condition where her body can go into hypothermia quickly. Soules helps her as much as he can. Mackenzie is all bitter and whiny. Kelsey is also whiny. Both ladies wish they’d fallen in the water. LISTEN. I’m pretty sure Jade wishes she didn’t fall in the water, you @$$es. I’m betting Jade gets the group date rose. Kelsey: “I’m not going to get any attention because I’m fine.” Oh shut up, Kelsey.

They head to have some drinks and Whitney is panicking about her lack of one-on-one time with him. Soules is on his way to meet with the girls when Jordan (the drunk upside down twerky one eliminated in week two) greets him. He’s just a wee bit surprised. She wants time for him to get to know her. Soules says he let her go because it seemed that she wasn’t taking the whole thing seriously. The other girls are concerned as to where Soules is. Soules said he let her go because she was over-drinking and wasn’t being serious about thing at all. After they chat a bit, Soules brings Jordan in to hang out with the group date girls. They’re totally stoked to see her. Except not at all.

Ashley I tells Soules that she doesn’t think Jordan is wife material. Jordan tries to defend herself. I’d be willing to bet a bazillion dollars that she doesn’t get the rose. The girls kindly jump on her. Soules is frustrated that the girls are talking more about Jordan than what they have with Soules. Kaitlyn says she didn’t want to talk about Jordan, which is quite rad. The girls debate back and forth about welcoming or not welcoming Jordan, or if she is even wife material. Jade gets her time with Soules and brings up Jordan. To be fair to the girls, he did ask for their opinion. That is why they keep talking about her.

Back at the house Carly and Britt bond over their one-on-one dates. Apparently Britt has not showered in weeks. For real, Britt? Date card! “Britt, the sky’s the limit! Chris.” Britt: “Nooooooo!!!” She breaks down and says she’s TERRIFIED of heights. “I just … I can’t do it.”

Things are tense at the group date cocktail party. Soules takes Jordan aside and tells her that he just can’t do this to the other ladies. “I just can’t, you know?” Whitney tries to defend Jordan when she walks back in with Soules. The girls say goodbye to Jordan. She is understandably upset, but listen, lady. This has been tried before on multiple occasions and it has never worked out. Soules apologizes to the girls about the whole Jordan thing. He picks up the rose and offers it to … Whitney. (I was wrong!) She obviously accepts it. Soules: “You could cut the tension with a knife when I gave that rose to Whitney. The girls are having a tough time.” The girls are obviously upset, and Kaitlyn asks around, “Who’s pissed? Who’s pissed?”

Megan, Ashley I, Mackenzie, and Megan take off. Whitney regales the evening to Britt and Carly. Whitney: “Ashley was very upset, and it was hurtful. It was hurtful.”

Obnoxious music plays while Soules walks down the hotel hall. He sets off to wake her up and scare the hell out of her. He sneaks into their room at 4:32am. She’s a little shocked. I think she sleeps with makeup on. Carly isn’t impressed. Especially when she hears them kiss. “That’s not a cool way to wake up.” Carly confirms that Britt puts makeup on before going to bed. Britt is so relieved when she sees a hot air balloon. I don’t know that there is any way you could get me into a hot air balloon. No.

They hop into the basket thinger and hold each other while they glide along. They check out the wildlife below and watch the rising sun. Soules says he felt something for Britt right away when they first met, which is why he gave her the first-impression rose. I dunno, though. I don’t see them together, and I’m growing less and less fond of her.

(Ok, the following two paragraphs happen intertwined in each other, back and forth between the girls and Britt & Soules, but I’m just going to put the separate scenes together to make it less confusing.)

Back at the house the girls guess that the date is a hot air balloon sunrise thing and are kind of just generally annoyed with Britt. Carly says she told Britt to shower, shave her legs, and wash her hair. Ashley I says something like, remember the other day when we were talking about how much we just wanted to get married and have kids, and Britt is all, I don’t understand that, that’s not me, I love being single. She’s not ready to get married or have kids. Carly: “On a scale of one to manipulative, Britt is … what’s higher than manipulative?” Carly is hurt that Soules shushed her that morning so he could wake Britt, followed by him kissing Britt. Ok, dude, that was just mean and cruel. They talk about how Soules & Britt’s connection is more sexual than deep.

Soules and Britt pull up to a casino and he leads her into a hotel room. “I can’t believe how clean it is!” I’m confused as to why she’d need a hotel room … Britt asks Soules how many kids he’d like to have, and he says as many as possible. (Aww!) She says she wants, like, a hundred. Soules offers Britt the rose and then tells her that the date is not over. Aaaaaand they’re in bed together. Um, FOR REAL?! Like, REALLY????? Cut to Soules shutting the doors of the bedroom. Oh my word, dude, you are such a … bad person.

Aaaand scene(s).

Oh, wait. At the beginning they talked about a pregnancy scare. Is this it? Is this from where that commenced? I just … UGH.

Britt comes back to the house holding the rose. She tells the other girls about her and Soules’ date. She’s got an obnoxious smile on her face. She says that they went back to his room (Ooohhh, now the “it’s so clean!” makes sense) and “had coffee” and then took a “nap”! YOU TOLD THEM! YOU TOLD THEM THAT, BRITT?! You ho-bag douche-canoe. The other girls are SHOCKED. “Yea, we were just in his room for like two hours.”

Kelsey gets all worked up and takes off to Soules’ room. He answers the door and invites her in. “The other girls don’t know that I’m here.” “Well done.” She tells him about her late husband, about their life together, and about his death. She gets a bit emotional, but she’s ok by the time she’s done telling him stuff. She then kisses him.

AND THEN in her on-camera interview thing she says, “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic. But it’s amazing.” Um, WHAT?! So you’re using it to manipulate him, yes? This isn’t ok. I mean, it SUCKS that your husband died, Kelsey, but using him to manipulate another guy to marry you? No. “I love my story.” She says the kiss had been building and now it finally happened. “This is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the story unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and another relationship. And I’m so glad that the first kiss is something that can be written in the storybooks.” I cannot even. “Hell yes I’m getting a rose tonight! Tune in, Mondays at 8:00 the love story unveiled.” I just … I have no more words about that.

Cocktail party! Ashley I says this has been the most emotional week yet. She says it’s not fair that Britt got private time with him. Mackenzie feels like Soules has forgotten about her. Ashley I says that Sam, Becca, and Mackenzie can relate to her because none of the four of them has had a one-on-one date. Sometimes I forget that Sam and Becca are there. They seems like fillers. Kelsey says that she’s being very comfortable. Whitney: “Even the people with roses feel uncomfortable. But not Kelsey. She seems very calm and confident coming into the rose ceremony. It’s very interesting. Like, I can’t pinpoint it, but something’s just not adding up.”

Soules arrives! He says the week has been tough and emotional, and he apologizes for the whole Jordan thing. He also says that this day is tough. That Kelsey and he had an emotional conversation that kinda hit home for this whole process. He thought about some things today that … he seems to be trying to hold back emotions or something. “I’m gonna take a second.” He walks out quite emotional. Harrison catches up with Soules and says that he’s had a tough week and it’s been harder on him than he thought it would be.

Whitney is annoyed at Kelsey for trying to manipulate Soules and that she wasn’t going to tell them till the cocktail party. Lady, you wouldn’t have brought it up at all if Soules didn’t. “I didn’t want you to be jealous of the time.” Whitney: “She’s just … not always nice.” Kelsey talks like she knows all, and then goes into a whole “time is precious” think that just seems SO FAKE. Lady, it is so not ok that you are using your husband’s death as a manipulation tool. Not cool. “And it means I have to say goodbye to one of you, to people. I’m not going, I mean, I don’t know if I’m going, but saying goodbye is hard.” Megan [paraphrased]: “WTF?!”

The girls are wondering what is up with Soules. Kelsey has a smile plastered on her face. Harrison comes in and says that Soules is a bit emotional, but that he knows what he’s going to do here tonight. He doesn’t want to delay the inevitable. There will not be a cocktail party. He tells the girls to get ready for the rose ceremony. Ashley I is a wreck. “My story is nothing compared to hers.” Look, everyone has a story. Everyone. Kelsey is a mess and does not want to go to the cocktail party. She takes off and the next thing you know she’s on the floor with a paramedic. “You might need to call 9-1-1.” What?!

TO BE CONTINUED. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME BACHELOR EPISODES DO NOT HAVE TBCs. You know, I am usually completely disinterested in spoilers, but this has got me wanting to go find some because if Britt wins I am going to be UP. SET. I don’t even know what to think after this episode.

*******************************
Short version:

Chris tells the girls they’re heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Megan is stoked because she’s never been to Mexico and can’t wait to see the sombreros and beaches. She’s dead serious.

Date card! Ashley I says she deserves the date card more than anyone else, but it goes to Carly. She and Soules have basically the most awkward meeting with a relationship counsellor (read: sex counsellor) who makes them do all sorts of “bonding” activities that are seriously weird, including telling them to undress each other, which Carly puts a stop to. They do end up bonding, though, and have an emotional interaction at dinner, getting into deep conversations about relationships and insecurities and fears. He offers the rose and she accepts.

Date card! Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mckenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley I, and Kelsey go on a river-rafting adventure following a you-might-die talk from the rafting instructor. Oh, and after Megan fears that there might be alligators and dead people in the water. Seriously, this girl. They go down the river fine and all until Jade falls overboard. Soules catches her right away with his paddle, but she’s hypersensitive to hypothermia so they get her warm ASAP. Jade and Ashley I wish they’d been the ones to fall into the water so they could have attention. FOR REALS?! At the group date cocktail party, Jordan comes by and begs Soules for another chance. He lets her come into the cocktail party for a bit but ends up sending her home. Lady, the whole “I’m back!” thing never works. Ever. So stop trying. A the end of the cocktail party, Whitney gets a rose.

Date card! The second one-on-one date card goes to Britt. She apparently hasn’t showered in weeks. Carly tells her to shower, shave her legs, and wash her hair. Britt then apparently puts on makeup before going to bed. As we all do. At 4:30am Soules comes in to wake her up, shushing all the girls, including Carly. Jerkface. He even kisses Britt in front of the other girls. He takes Britt on a hot air balloon ride as the sun rises. Next they head to his hotel room (!!!) where they talk about kids and such. Back at the house the girls learn that while the rest of them just want to get married and have kids, Britt says she doesn’t want that kind of stuff for a while and that she loves being single. Um. Next. NEXT they have a nap. A “NAP”. Sure you were just sleeping. Sure you were. Britt returns to the house and brags about their date and their “nap”. The previews at the beginning of the season show a “pregnancy test” so maybe this is where that is from? Who the heck knows.

Kelsey sneaks off to Soules’ room and tells him about her marriage and her husband’s death. It’s an emotional scene, but then when it’s over she tells the camera in a braggy-type voice, “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s amazing.” Ok. Something is up here.

Cocktail party! The girls are all nervous. Soules comes in and says that it’s been an emotional and tough week, especially after his talk with Kelsey, and then he cannot talk any more. He looks like he’s getting a bit worked up. He leaves, and Harrison finds him and asks what’s up. Soules says it’s been a hard week and he just needs a moment. He’s gone for a while and the girls wonder what’s up. Kelsey tells them about her talk with Soules and she seems quite confident that she’s getting a rose. The girls are quite annoyed that Kelsey is using her husband’s death to manipulate Soules into keeping her around. Moments later she takes off and is found in the hallway with an on-site paramedic. She’s sobbing and having trouble breathing and the paramedic says to call 9-1-1.

TO BE CONTINUED. I mean, FOR REAL.

If you’d like the short version, scroll to the end.

Fifteen (or five-teen, if you ask my son) are left. Who will be voted out sent home tonight?

Harrison comes in to talk to the ladies. “Chris is sincere and serious about this, as always.” There will be three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one date, the latter of which Soules’ three sisters will decide who goes on it.

Date card! “Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey: Let’s do what seems natural … Chris.” Soules says he has a fun adventure planned. One of the girls is a hardcore wheel-biter. They pull up to a lake. In their bikinis, of course. Because it’s not a bachelor date without bikinis.

The girls strip down and run into the lake. Ok, now I’m jealous. They get to play with those paddle board things. And then one of the girls takes her top off. And one takes her bottoms off. “This is a date made for bimbos!”

Back at the house, the other girls are getting ready for their visit from The Soules Sisters (see what I did there?). Jillian is snoring by the pool with her butt blacked out. She’s wearing bikini bottoms, but apparently they’re not staying in place? Carly greets Soules’ sisters in her bubbly fashion. (I like Carly.) One of his sisters lives in Ireland. (Jealous!) Jillian is woken up and can’t find a towel.

Jackie, Laurie, Lisa. Jillian is embarrassed. The sisters pick one girl at a time to interview, and the lucky winner will get to go on the one-on-one date. Fertility Nurse goes first. Britt goes next. “I feel super confident that I’m the one Chris wants.” One by one they’re ushered in … “Although I live in the city, I feel like a small-town girl.” “I hope they think I’m taking myself seriously.”

Back on the date. The girls play Red Rover. In bikinis. That’s not going to end well. Kelsey is being a poor sport. “If you want to visit a lake, you go to Michigan. You don’t go to this mud pit.”

Apparently Soules is taking the girls camping. Kelsey: “As if this couldn’t get any worse!”

The girl set up their tents with great delight. Ashley I: “I’m a camping virgin. And a virgin camping!”

Back at the house, it’s Carly’s turn. She tears up a little when asked if she’s ever been in a long-term relationship. She says she has, but guys have not been very kind. Her grandpa was so kind and gentle and loving toward her grandma, and she wants that kind of love.

The sisters and the girls say their goodbyes, and every girl says how well their interviews went. After the sisters leave, the girls cook up some artichokes and Jade is lamenting about how she feels as though she’s been overlooked.

Date card! Britt: “It is uncomfortable to name myself as the front-runner because it seems like bragging, but I feel confident that I’ll get it.” Date card says, “Jade, your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening from 8pm till the last stroke of midnight. It’s a secret; the prince doesn’t know yet that you are coming. Sincerely, Lisa, Laurie, and Jackie.” Jade is obviously stoked. Britt is obviously jealous. Jade: “It just feels nice to be recognized.” She seems like a sweet, kind girl.

Soules and the girls are barbequing. Soules loves camping and is looking forward to seeing how the girls handle it. Ashley I: “The rose is very ominous.” She feels that she wants it the most. Really, Ashley I? Really? Kaitlyn: “Obviously being here, camping, in my element, I would love to get the rose tonight.” You go, Canada. She asks Soules what he wants from a life partner. He says he’s a touchy-feely guy. This should be interesting.

The other girls talk about being lucky for the opportunity to vie for Soules’ heart, but Kelsey is pissing on their parade. She’s pouty pouterson. She fake-laughs and is generally obnoxious. The rest of the girls toast with tequila: “To s’mores, and sharing the same man.” In comes Ashley S. We haven’t seen any crazy for a while. She makes her own “music”. Mackenzie talks about aliens. Kaitlyn, who I’m finding to be the most grounded gal, thinks all this craziness is hilarious.

The girls tell ghost stories. Kaitlyn’s is about Ashley S, who is sweet and completely nutso. She kisses him, which catches him completely off guard. Ashley S tries to talk to Soules, but I think she belongs in a mental ward. Seriously. I’m not even kidding. Kaitlyn: “I don’t think Ashley S is here for the right reasons because I don’t think she even knows where ‘here’ is.” Ashley I takes Soules aside and tells him that she doesn’t like guys but that she has a huge crush on him. They kiss for a while.

Date rose! The date rose goes to Kaitlyn. I totally called that one. It was either her or Ashley S, the latter just to mess with the girls’ heads. Ashley I: “Are you KIDDING? I was so confident with him! … I don’t think that Chris would guess that I’m a virgin, or that I’ve never had a boyfriend.” She crawls into Soules’ tent and tells him as much. She also tells him that she’s a nerd and very inexperienced. “Do you get that vibe?” I hope this girl stays around, because she’s a little cloudy in the head.

The girls are back at the house and hear about the visit with the sisters, and that the sisters chose Jade. Ashley I is pissed, because she deserves it and would want it more than Jade does. Seriously, girl. You have a superiority complex.

One-on-one date! Two weirdos come into the house calling, “Jade? Jade?!” They grab Jade and take her off to a “transformation room”. Ashley I: “I don’t even think they get that nobody would appreciate it like I would.” She can’t get it into her mind that she’s not the Chosen One. The fairy godmother tells Jade that she gets to keep the Neil Lane diamond earrings and the shoes, and then is shown some images from the new Cinderella movie. Jade comes out of the transformation room looking A-MAY-ZING. The girls’ jaws drop. Jade walks down a red carpet and gets into a vintage white car. She seems sweet and humble and the polar opposite of Ashley I.

The car pulls up to a large, lovely building. Soules stands at the bottom of a long staircase, and his eyes completely light up when he sees Jade. They sit at dinner and get to know each other. She has been engaged before, and he has as well. Soules cheers to his sisters making a wise choice.

Back at the house Ashley I holds her own ball and puts on her “princess dress”. The other girls are like, ??? Someone says, “You wanna know what’s sad? That you don’t even have a prince.” Ok, that was a low blow, but hey, they’re a little wasted. But still. Oh, lady. The girls totally light into her. She sits by herself eating corn on the cob and drinking by herself.

Jade and Soules are all lovey. Soules offers the rose and Jade accepts. They then walk into a hall where an orchestra is playing. The dance on a platform with the new Cinderella movie on in the background, which, I didn’t even know it existed but now want to see it. Soules and Jade are quite adorable together. But the clock strikes midnight and Jade has to take off. Soules: “I may have overlooked Jade till now, but I’m not going to overlook her anymore. Hopefully our fairy tale becomes reality.”

Date card! Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca. Let’s … get … dirty. Chris.” There are boxes outside with wedding dresses in them. They hop into a limo and drink white wine because drinking red wine would probably be a HORRIBLE idea in white dresses, right? Those producers thought this through. Jillian isn’t so stoked. The limo pulls up to a private runway and flies them … somewhere. They deplane, run to Soules, and ride in a limo to … a mud pit. See, Kelsey? This is what a REAL mud pit looks like, you whiner.

Jillian says she’s in it to win it. The mud thing is to raise funds for M.S. My aunt has M.S., so I especially like this. They’re off! Into the muck! Jillian kicked butt. Not surprising for the athletic athlete she is. The other girls are obviously disappointed.

Soules and Jillian are on a gorgeous roof with an amazing view. She kind of weirds me out, but Soules says he’s insanely attracted to her. She talks A LOT. And fast. Soules doesn’t really understand what she’s talking about but just hears “fairies and unicorns”. I think that’s a good thing? At any rate, he’s apparently quite liking that the pressure isn’t on him for once, and she’s dominating the conversation.

Back at the house the group date girls are regaling their race results to the remaining ladies. Carly is kind of bitter that she didn’t win, but then, she did win the last race (apparently she’s always on race dates?), so I guess it was someone else’s turn or something.

Jillian is still talking, and Soules says that they’re in the most romantic setting imaginable, but that he and Jillian don’t seem to connect on a romantic level. I don’t think you’re staying, my dear Jillian. Ok, now she’s asking him if he’d rather sleep with a dirty homeless person or abstain from sex for five years. Um. Really? This is what you do on a “romantic” date? She thinks it’s going well so far. She’s very confident. I’m not holding out hope, my dear Jillian. Soules builds her up, telling her her good qualities, but I’m hearing a “but” coming soon …. and there it is … “but I’m looking for a wife and unfortunately I feel like we don’t have that chemistry right now. I feel like our goals aren’t quite aligned with each other.” She kind of falls apart and says she made herself vulnerable and it was really hard for her. She’s hopeful to find love again. That’s got to be an awkward walk back to the limo.

Soules says that he’s 33 and he’s single and if this whole thing doesn’t work, he’s not quite sure what he’ll do with himself. I really do hope that this works out for him.

Cocktail party! The women primp themselves all up and feel the tension of the night. They toast to the night. Megan blindfolds Soules and tells him that he’s only allowed to use three of his five senses. Taste, smell, “and I don’t know what the other one is.” She dips a strawberry in chocolate and (PASS ONE THIS WAY PLEASE) feeds it to him. Nevermind, it was a raspberry. Even better.

Ashley I is back at it again. When they were camping she vaguely told Soules that she’s a virgin, but said things like “innocent” and “inexperienced” and just assumed that it meant that he understood that she’s a virgin. Listen, lady. Sometimes people are dense. You have to just come out and SAY it. My first boyfriend broke up with me “vaguely” (over the phone), and yea, I was 14, but still, I had no idea what the hell he was trying to say, and he was all, “Do you get what I’m saying?” and I was like no, FREAKING SPELL IT OUT FOR ME. JUST BE BLUNT AND GET IT OVER WITH AND GET TO THE FREAKING POINT ALREADY. Vagueness might just hit a nerve with me, OKAY?!

Apparently tonight she is going to tell him straight up. She asks him what he got out of their tent conversation the other night. He says it was intriguing, and she comes across as conservative … “Well, the thing is, I actually alluded to the fact that I’m a virgin.” I’m not exactly seeing why she’s making a big deal out of this. Listen, Ashley I, that’s nice and all, but it doesn’t mean that your worth is greater than that of the other girls, OKAY?! Soules did not see it coming. At all. Yea, see, I didn’t see that breakup coming because what else is a guy going to do after he tells you that he loves you and he wants to marry you and that he could die happy … yea. I’M NOT BITTER. (Ok, he was only 15, BUT WHATEVER.)

Anyway. Soules is insanely uncomfortable.

Complete squirrel moment here, whenever I use a word like that, “insanely”, “very”, “quite”, I’m always taken back to Dead Poet Society when Robin Williams says,

“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys – to woo women – and, in that endeavour, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays.”

Yea, that. Except I’m not the Captain. So I’m going to use “very” till I have a better vocabulary.

OK THEN. Moving on here.

Soules says he respects Ashley I for her whole virginity thing. She goes and tells the girls that she finally told him. GOOD FOR YOU, WOMAN. (I mean that sarcastically.)(And not, at the same time. I mean, it’s great and all, but for goodness sake, it’s not that big of a thing to tell him. Maybe tell him before the fantasy suites, if you get that far.) Ok, I’ll stop being an ass now. After their talk, Soules doesn’t kiss her, which, you know, whatever, he’s probably still just kind of shocked. But Ashley I goes away crying, thinking she’s now “too innocent” for him. She cries on Mackenzie’s shoulder. Mac says that she kind of blows things way out of proportion. THANK YOU.

Ashley I tells the rest of the girls her good news and they’re flabbergasted. Carly: “I actually did not know that Ashley was a virgin, which shocked me, because I’ve seen her making out with Chris, like 13,000 times. And her mouth is not a virgin.” The girls discuss it a bit before it comes out that Becca is a virgin as well. Huh. She says it’s a decision she made, and yea. She hasn’t told Chris yet because it just hasn’t come up. SEE?! Kaitlyn: “We’ve got two virgins – TWO virgins in the Bachelor Mansion. Two virgins, one Chris. I can’t make this up.”

Britt is quite annoyed that she hasn’t spoken to Soules in a week. “It’s been all Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn.” Well, DUH. Because Canadians are awesome. Britt finally talks to Soules. But she doesn’t talk about them, she whines about the other women and who got more time and why are other girls getting roses and I’m not??? Soules is annoyed that Britt is taking all her time with him to talk about the other girls rather than about the two of them. Soules tries to explain some things, and he says he’s putting his heart and soul into this. Ok, LOOK, woman. You signed up to date a guy with TWENTY-NINE OTHER GIRLFRIENDS. Ok, that’s five more than she signed up for BUT WHATEVER. Soules just up and leaves. He’s frustrated. Harrison calls the girls together and Soules gets up to speak. He says that he’s here to find a wife and if anyone questions that, she can just go home. Well said, dude. The rest of the women have no idea what is going on while Britt looks down all pouty.

Rose ceremony!
Ok, so, Kaitlyn and Jade have roses. Thirteen women remain rose-less. Britt is worried. I’m guessing she’s either going to be called last or she’s going home. I’m betting that Ashley I gets a rose, and that Kelsey does not. Alrightythen! First rose! Whitney. Carly. Megan. (Ashley I is freaking.) Samantha. Mackenzie. Kelsey. (Really?!) Becca. Ashley I. Harrison announces the final rose. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Britt. (CALLED IT!)

Ashley S leaves with no drama at all. The girls have a hard time saying goodbye to Juelia. Soules hugs her but then asks her if they can talk outside. I’m guessing this is one of those things where he really likes her and would like to keep her around but he doesn’t see a future with her and wants to let her get back to her daughter. Which is exactly what he says to her. He tells her what a solid human being she is, and that some guy is going to be so, so lucky to have her. Goodness, this lady has been through a lot.

Inside the girls are crying, and Soules walks in somber. This isn’t a THREE CHEERS FOR US! kind of moment.

Ok, the end credits after the last commercials are always funny, bloopers and such, but this time it’s Ashley S’s departure. I knew there had to be something. “I feel … nothing. I’m actually not upset at all. Like, honestly, I am who I am. I’m not worried about me. I’m not worried about me at all! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!” She’s walking out of the Bachelor Mansion with a giant smile on her face. “Chris, all I have to say to you, is nothing.” I … seriously … I am worried about her. Does she live on her own? I’m not even being mean here! Legitimately, I’m wondering if she lives on her own. I’m going back to the entrances to see what she does and what happened with that … ok, so she’s a hair stylist from Brooklyn, New York. Huh. She’s the one who wanted to put the lucky penny in his shoe.

Ok, let’s talk happy endings. Britt, Jillian, Amanda, Whitney, Mackenzie, and Kelsey were highlighted at the beginning of the first episode. Amanda and Jillian are gone, and the previews to next week’s episodes don’t look too good for Kelsey (looks like she’s taken away in an ambulance). Britt is a whiny git, and I don’t see Soules and Mackenzie ending up together. Whitney is a sweetie, so maybe she’s one of the final ones? But I like Kaitlyn and Jade the best. And Carly.

Let’s do this.
Final four: Kaitlyn, Jade, Carly, Whitney
Final three: Kaitlyn, Jade, Carly
Final two: Kaitlyn, Jade
Mrs Soules-to-be: Kaitlyn

Your guesses?

***********************
The short version:
Harrison announces that Soules’ three sisters are coming to choose one lucky lady for a one-on-one date. Scary!

Date card! “Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey: Let’s do what seems natural … Chris.” The nine of them traipse off to a lake in the wilderness. Kelsey is all pouty. Soules and the women run into the lake. Ashley I and Kaitlyn take their top and bottoms, respectively, off and jump off the dock. Kelsey is all pouty. Soules announces that he and the girls are going to camp. Kelsey is pouty. Ashley I declares that she’s a camping virgin. And a virgin camping! Kaitlyn is stoked about the camping because hello, Canadian! Ashley I goes into Soules’ tent and alludes to being a virgin. Very vaguely. Kelsey is pouty.

Date card! The Soules sisters interview the girls. Most of them go well. Britt declares, “It is uncomfortable to name myself as the front-runner because it seems like bragging, but I feel confident that I’ll get it.” Okee dokee, Britt. Superiority complex much? Date card says: “Jade, your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening from 8pm till the last stroke of midnight. It’s a secret; the prince doesn’t know yet that you are coming. Sincerely, Lisa, Laurie, and Jackie.” Jade is excited because she feels that she’s been overlooked (not in an I’m-so-important way). Her fairy godmother takes her away and prepares Jade for the ball. The girls watch jealously as Jade is shown dresses and shoes and diamonds. Especially Ashley I, because she’s entitled to princess dates. Jade comes out of the dressing room looking AMAZING. She also gets to keep her shoes and her Neil Lane diamond earrings.

Jade is taken to a “ball” where she walks down the stairs as Soules looks longingly with a giant smile on his face. They have dinner, where they bond over broken engagements. After Jade accepts Soules’ offer of the rose, they walk into a ballroom where a symphony plays for them as they dance on a platform. It’s really all quite adorable. I like Jade a lot.

OH! But while this is going on, Ashley I declares that she should have gotten this date because she is all about being a princess. She gets into her princess dress and says she’s going to have a ball of her own. Because she should have gotten this date because she’s all about this kind of stuff! It’s … awkward.

Date card! “Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca. Let’s … get … dirty. Chris.” Soules and the women head off to a muddy obstacle course. Carly is ready. to. go. I like her. She won the last obstacle course and is all in. But, Jillian the Athletic Athlete breaks away while everyone else is miles behind. For her winningness, she is rewarded with a one-on-one dinner date with Soules on a balcony looking over the city, a gorgeous view. And then she talks. A LOT. Soules can’t get a word in edgewise, and quickly falls behind on what she’s even talking about, but it’s all about fitness and some other things I don’t remember because she talks too fast. Soules ends up telling her that she’s nice and all, but he doesn’t feel a connection between them. “But I was all vulnerable with you!” She is not too impressed.

Cocktail party! Ashley I is panicking because she doesn’t think that Soules got the hint that she’s a virgin, so she takes him aside and fills him in. He didn’t see it coming. He says he respects her for it. Ashley I comes out to the rest of the girls that she’s a virgin. She has been making a HUGE BIG LARGE DEAL about this whole being-a-virgin deal. So when the girls are sitting around listening to her, it comes out that Becca is a virgin as well, but hasn’t talked about it because why would she? It’s not that big of a deal, ASHLEY I. Your worth is not greater than that of the other girls. IT IS NOT SO GET OVER YOURSELF. Britt makes a big deal about who and why Soules is giving roses to and complaining and being overall obnoxious. Soules is frustrated with her and takes off.

Rose ceremony! Kaitlyn and Jade have roses. Next roses go to: Whitney. Carly. Megan. Samantha. Mackenzie. Kelsey. Becca. Ashley I. Harrison announces the final rose. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Britt.

Juelia, the one who has a child and whose husband killed himself, is not chosen. The girls have a rough time saying goodbye to her, and Soules takes her aside. He tells her how wonderful she is, but says that he doesn’t feel a connection between the two of them and doesn’t want to keep her away from her daughter if there’s no hope. She is crying and he is crying and as he goes back into the house, all the girls in there are crying. There’s no WOO HOO! moment.

When Ashley S leaves, however, “I feel … nothing. I’m actually not upset at all. Like, honestly, I am who I am. I’m not worried about me. I’m not worried about me at all! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Chris, all I have to say to you, is nothing.” I can’t even.

Next week! Let’s go!

If you want the short version, scroll to the end.

Eighteen are left. Who will be voted out sent home tonight?

Preview! Jimmy Kimmel and Soules are showering together. That’s about it.

So, let’s do this. Cue limo. Cue some dude walking out of the limo. Cue Jimmy Kimmel walking into Soules’ room, looking him right in the face, and telling him to wake up. Soules comes to and is a wee bit surprised to see Kimmel. Kimmel hands Soules a coffee and exits.

Harrison greets the girls at the house and tells them that they will be joined by another man. They think it’s an animal, but Kimmel walks in and they all scream. “As you know, Chris is a very busy guy. He’s got cows to milk and hogs to slop and whatnot. He is a farmer, so I’m going to help him make his decision by making love to each one of you. Then I will report back, so I want everyone to give 110%” I’m sure your wife is stoked about this, Kimmel.

Jimmy brings out a jar and says that every time someone says “amazing”, they need to put a dollar in the jar. Because that word is overused and now there’s going to be consequences.

Kimmel hands the girls a date card, and he and Harrison exit.

Date card! “Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await.” Kaitlyn is stoked, obviously. In the limo, she and Soules try to figure out where their date is going to be. And they pull up to … Costco! “Welcome to the most romantic spot imaginable.” Jimmy then gives them a list of items to buy. They fill a couple carts and Soules says how Kaitlyn is being such a great sport. Soules pushes Kaitlyn around in a giant ball, which he then joins her in while three kids push them. They load it into the limo and head back to the mansion. With 300 bottles of ketchup.

They then cook up a couple of steaks and drink bourbon and Kaitlyn says, “This almost seems real.” Listen, lady. It’s all real. You just made real steaks and you’re drinking real bourbon and that guy over there is corporeal. And you’re a weird kisser.

Kimmel walks in with a box and comments on Soules’ lipstick. Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’s ever dated a farmer. She says yes, but they were “legit farmers”. Strike one. She specifies that they had all animals, rather than crops. Soules says he’s never dated a Canadian before. You’re missing out, dude! Jimmy: “I specialize in making people feel uncomfortable.” Jimmy sits between Kaitlyn and Soules at dinner because that’s not awkward at all. Kimmel then asks about the fantasy suites, and if Soules will sleep with all three women in the fantasy suites. He then asks Kaitlyn if she’d be mad that he’d slept with the other two women as well as her. She says she wouldn’t, because it’s part of the process.
Kaitlyn: “You can’t buy a car without test-driving it.”
Kimmel: “Canadians. They’re the best.”
Soules: “I’m starting to be a believer.”
Kimmel: “Try have sex with everyone.”
Kaitlyn: “I can hear you!”
Then add a whole lot of sex talk ending with Kimmel offering to have a threesome with them. Um …

Date card! “Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly. Are you ready to meet some “real” party animals? Best regards, Jimmy.”

Jimmy picks up the date rose and hands it to Soules. Soules says nice things about Kaitlyn and tells Kimmel he’s an @$$ and says “amazing” twice. He offers Kaitlyn the rose and she accepts and they hug over Jimmy. Kimmel finally leaves the two of them alone. Again with the awkward kissing. I can’t even watch. Cue the hot tub scene. Where Jimmy again joins them.

Back at the house Jillian is working out. Kelsey: “She works out all day.”

Jimmy leads the group date to a farm obstacle course. There are many rounds to get through. Milking goats, cooking eggs, drinking goat milk, something about pigs. Aaaand go! Corn husking. Chris says he doesn’t care about drinking goats milk but his girl has to be able to shuck corn. Next, chicken coop, where they need to get an egg. Mackenzie accidentally breaks her yolk. A few girls make it to the goat milking. Jimmy: “This is kind of erotic.” Carly is the first done. Next up, shoveling manure into a wheelbarrow. Jillian’s butt has to be blacked out. Carly is again the first one done and she WINS! I’m so glad it wasn’t Jillian. To quote Joey Tribbiani, that chick is whack.

Soules and Carly put on outfits to duplicate the American Gothic photo. Soules is quite impressed with Carly.

The ladies have a few drinks with Soules before Carly pulls him away. “You are a man and I am a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage.” And she does. Cue Soules kissing girl after girl after girl. Mackenzie is frustrated that Soules is kissing so many women. Um, listen. Have you seen the show before? That’s how it goes. If you want a one-on-one relationship, The Bachelor is not for you. Mackenzie then goes to Soules and asks, “Ok, so you know how we kissed? Then why are you kissing everyone else, too?” Chris clears his throat a couple times before answering and saying that it’s part of getting to know someone. Mackenzie, “No, I was just curious.” She then goes back to the group and tells them what she and Soules talked about. Britt says that she’s also feeling hurt that he’s going around kissing everyone. One of the girls says “amazing”. They better have caught that. And then she says it again. And again. That’s three dollars, girl. And then she says she doesn’t want to rush into kissing him. So, this is awkward. You’re standing on a rooftop in a super romantic setting. Whatever.

Date card! “Dear Whitney, today is going to be fun. No whining!”

Soules joins the group date girls and picks up the rose. He says “amazing”. He offers it to Becca. Obviously the other girls aren’t stoked. Carly is kind of pissed.

Whitney and Soules climb into their limo and try to figure out where their date will be. They pull up to a ranch. She asks him what he’s looking for in a woman. He says all the cliche things, and then says that he wants someone he can laugh with, and someone who can see a complete stranger in a room and end up their best friend. She says that she meets people at airports and ends up being facebook friends with them.

They look down the hill and see a wedding going on.
Whitney: “Is it a wedding? Let’s go crash it. YOLO!”
Soules: “Let’s do it!”
Camera man: “Are you serious?”
Whitney & Soules: “Yes!”
This should be interesting.
Soules: “I think you’re the perfect wedding crasher partner a guy could ever ask for.”
Whitney: “Is this going to ruin the rest of our date?”
Soules: “Worst case scenario is we end up in jail.”

The two get all dressed up and buy a gift and head to the wedding reception. “We can’t crash a wedding with cameras following us, right?” They’re anticipating that someone is going to recognize them. Their story is that they’re engaged, they’re done shooting, and the people need to be really quiet about it. Whitney tells a whole back-up story about the bride (a make-up artist) doing a make-over on her. They end up on the dance floor with the bride and groom, Whitney goes into the group to get the bouquet, Soules goes for the garter. Soules is quite impressed with how Whitney has handled everything. Whitney says “amazing”. It doesn’t seem like anyone recognizing Soules, which is a good thing. Whitney again says “amazing”. Soules says “amazing”. Soules: “I can absolutely imagine Whitney being my wife.”

Soules goes to get the rose and offers it to Whitney. She, of course, accepts. He says things about how she made the date beautiful. Whitney: “Nick and Shannon need to come to our wedding.” Soules: “If we get married, this won’t be the last wedding Whitney and I crash.”

Cue Soules working out. And then Jimmy joining him in the shower. Soules: “I’m not just here to find my wife, I’m here to have a shower with Jimmy Kimmel.”

Kimmel joins the group of ladies. Camera zooms in on the Amazing Jar. It’s full. Jimmy says that there is not going to be a cocktail party tonight. Instead, there will be a pool party. Kimmel says he’s taking the Amazing Jar and using the money to get his back waxed. Ashley I: “I was looking forward to using my Kardashian look tonight, and now I have to go to a pool party.” SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP.

Pool party! There are many blacked-out bottoms. Juelia is concerned that she won’t be able to talk to Soules about “our feelings”. She tells him the story of her late husband’s mental illness, and how, when their daughter was 7 weeks old, he handed her a suicide note. He snapped and grabbed his gun. She took their baby and left because she was scared. They talked that night and he was apologetic. “I’ll get help tomorrow.” The next day he texted, “I’m sorry. I love you.” She was driving home and she just knew. She breaks down and Soules holds her. She apologizes for crying and they join the rest of the group.

Britt finally gets her time with him. They kiss a while. Jade goes to find him and asks for a tour of his place. “This is where I showered with Kimmel.” The girls mention that they haven’t seen Jillian for a while. She (and her blacked-out butt) head to Soules’ house to wait in his hot tub.

They test out the bed by doing a run jump onto it, followed by cuddling. Jillian is still in the hot tub. Jade and Soules exit his house and run into Jillian. Ashley I goes into “Chris-finding” mode, and she and some other girl crash his and Jillian’s hot tub time. Jillian somehow slips in that they should go and they do. Awkward! Ashley I, Megan, and Mackenzie plot how they’re going to re-crash the hot tub party. Mackenzie walks in when Soules and Jillian are kissing. The other two join as well. I don’t think Mackenzie is going to make it. Jillian again tries to kick the other girls out. They all end up arguing. Ashley I walks away crying. She then drops her glass, which is apparently glass, and it rolls down the driveway.

Mackenzie walks into the room and fills the other girls in on the happenings. Soules comes in and looks for Ashley I. She pulls him upstairs. “I hope I kiss him again because that will make me feel better.” She breaks down and cries about Jillian. He says he doesn’t quite know what to do in situations like that. She then kisses him and he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. He looks awkward, like, um, really? She pulls him over and I think he’s scared that he’s going to fall off the balcony. Oh my. Ashley, just stop, ok? Soules does the awkward laugh and escapes. Harrison comes in and announces the rose ceremony. He grabs Soules away, and I’m pretty sure he’s quite glad to get away.

Rose ceremony! Soules checks in with Kimmel and Harrison. Kimmel: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” Soules walks into the room with the women. I just realized we haven’t seen any Ashley S drama. Oh well. Who already has a rose? Kaitlyn and Whitney and Becca. Chris picks up the first rose. Ashley I: “I’m at like a 9 on the confidence scale.” Jade. Samantha. Juelia. Mackenzie. Kelsey. Britt. Megan. Carly. Ashley S. (Huh.) Nikki. Jillian. Kimmel comes in to announce the final rose. Ashley I.

The ones who got sent home say their goodbyes, and then, of course, previews to the next week with all the drama and the tears and the drama and the tears.

Can’t wait!

Short version:

Jimmy Kimmel wakes Soules up. Kimmel informs the girls that he’s going to host this episode, and that he’s going to sleep with all of them to help Soules decide who he’s going to end up with. He also delivers an Amazing Jar. Every time someone says “amazing”, they have to put a dollar in the jar.

Kaitlyn & Soules go on a date to … Costco. They load up on ketchup (and a few more things, but mostly ketchup) and have a romantic dinner with Jimmy between them. They talk about how many women Soules is going to sleep with in the fantasy suite and that’s sure awkward and can we talk about something else, please? Kimmel states that Canadians are pretty much the best ever and Soules offers the rose to Kaitlyn. They hug over Jimmy.

Group date! Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly head off to a farmer’s obstacle course where they husk corn, gather and crack eggs, milk goats, drink goat milk, shovel manure, and catch pigs. Girly girl Carly wins and surprises everyone with her awesomeness. The girls can’t remember what the previous hundred Bachelor seasons were about and cry over Soules kissing other women. Um, your boyfriend has SEVENTEEN OTHER GIRLFRIENDS, you silly sister-wife! Soules offers the rose to Becca and she accepts (which hurts Carly’s feelings)(and everyone else’s, of course).

Whitney and Soules go on a date to a ranch or something. They spot a wedding and decide to crash it. The camera man is all, whaaat?! They dress up, buy a gift, and go to the reception. Whitney creates a brilliant back story to convince even the bride’s mother and sisters, she and Soules dance, and nobody recognizes him or realizes they aren’t supposed to be there. Brilliant. Soules is quite impressed and offers the rose to Whitney, who, of course, accepts.

After he showers with Jimmy Kimmel, Soules has a pool party with the ladies, much to the chagrin of Ashley I, who had been looking forward to a cocktail party because she was going to get her Kardashian on. Juelia opens up to Soules about her late husband’s suicide, Jade gets a “tour” of Soules’ house (bed), Jillian kicks girls out of a hot tub she and Soules are sitting in, Mackenzie wants to know why Soules is kissing other girls (AGAIN, HE HAS SEVENTEEN OTHER GIRLFRIENDS), and Ashley I forces the most awkward kiss ever on Soules.

Rose ceremony! Kaitlyn and Whitney and Becca already have roses. Soules then chooses Jade. Samantha. Juelia. Mackenzie. Kelsey. Britt. Megan. Carly. Ashley S. Nikki. Jillian. Ashley I.

Can’t wait for next week’s drama!

If you want the super-short version, scroll to the end.

Twenty-one remain. Who will be voted off sent home tonight?

Or maybe twenty-two remain? Why is Kimberly going back into the mansion? She pulls Soules out and says that she didn’t get a chance to talk to him tonight and doesn’t deserve to go home. The women inside are all, hey, when you’re done, you’re done! Go home! Being sent home means that you go home.

Kimberly is still saying, I deserve to stay! I feel like I was supposed to stay! I deserve to stay! Listen, lady. This isn’t about you. “I don’t want to put him in a tough spot.” Really? REALLY? You’re a yoga instructor. Maybe calm down a little?

Soules seeks the wisdom of Harrison who tells him that there are no rules, that this is his life. If he wants her to stay, she stays. OH NO SOULES TAKES HER BACK. He explains to the ladies the he wants to give her that opportunity. Oh, wow, is she ever going to get it from the ladies tonight. They all cheer and go hug her though. What does this say for the future girls? If they get sent home, they get to convince him to not let them go? This should be interesting.

The next morning Harrison and Soules have a chat. Soules: “I don’t remember much from last night.” Harrison then goes in to talk to the girls and hands out the first date card. But before that, he tells the girls that Soules lives just down the driveway. Where there is an outdoor shower because he can’t afford an indoor shower? Nice hoodie, Soules. Is that a thing now? Wearing a hoodie half-way zipped down like a deep v-neck? You’re falling victim to the style of one of the producers, aren’t you? *cough*Elan Gale*cough*

Date card! “Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara. Show me your country. Chris.” Kimberly is stoked. The other girls are not. The six ladies walk into TenTen Wilshire, and they are excited. Oh, Tara. You are a unique one. Pool party! Chicken fight! Soules: “I’m taking things to the next level today.” I’d like these levels written down, Soules, because this is the first time of many that you are going to say this. Soules and Kimberly re-live the limo scene so they can start fresh. Ok then.

Two of the left-behind girls, Megan and Jillian (and Jillian’s butt which has to be blanked out), break into Soules’ house. They put on his motorbike helmet and ram their heads into his walls.

Back on the date, Soules and the girls are walking down the street in their bikinis. Yea, that’s a good idea. They walk up to a bunch of tractors. They are having a tractor race. Listen, if I were to have a tractor race, I’d be wanting to wear a little more than a bikini. But then, I also wouldn’t walk down a street in LA (or any other city) wearing a bikini.

Tractor race time! Soules: “I am the luckiest guy with two thumbs.” As the race starts, though, Soules says, “It’s kind of like watching old people go down the street with walkers.” Soules, I’d put the pedal to the metal. Not because I want to be a bachelorette but because I can’t stand driving slowly. Ashley I won the race and gets some one-on-one time.

Juelia has a daughter called Ireland? Rad name, lady. Ireland was the name we were to give Preston had he been a girl. Ireland Renae, after my sister because she’s the only one of my siblings not named after anyone. It’s really too bad we didn’t have boy/girl twins because I really love that name. Anyway, Juelia’s husband killed himself shortly after Ireland was born. She says she knew he was struggling but didn’t understand. That’s rough. I know that situation kind of intimately and ANYWAY LET’S MOVE ON. Juelia is the second widow this season.

Back to the date! Ashley I got the most time with Soules, which the other girls are obviously jealous of. They all sit together after Soules and Ashely I return, and Soules says that he’s finishing the date with just one girl, Mackenzie. I didn’t see him picking her, but I like her. Again the other girls aren’t stoked, but that’s just too bad. Kimberly gives a speech about how Soules is so understanding and sweet while the other girls glare at her like OF COURSE YOU THINK SO HE LET YOU BACK IN. Tara then gives an I-feel-sorry-for-myself speech.

Soules and Makenzie walk into the restaurant Escondite. He says what a great energy she has. Mackenzie comments on Soules’ no-longer-pierced ear, and then tells him the things she looks for in a guy’s appearance. 1. A prominent nose. (You have such a perfectly good nose!)(Soules: “I’ve never had that conversation on a first date. Not gonna lie. She’s tellin’ me she likes big noses. It’s just a little bit weird.”) 2. “Do you believe in aliens?” (Soules: “The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date is kind of a red flag for me.”) She tells him she hasn’t been on a date for a year. (I just don’t want him to think I’m a psychopath.) She then tells him about her son Kale and shows him Kale’s photo. Soules loves kids, and admires her for what she does. He picks up the rose and gives it to Mackenzie. Then they dance and make out.

Date card! “Megan, Love is a natural wonder. Chris.” Megan is unaware that this is a date card. Not a love note. Ok, have you seen this show before, Megan?

Mackenzie recounts her date with Soules, bragging about kissing him. The other girls are totally stoked about this, obviously.

Soules and Megan head off in a limo. They take off in a private jet to Las Vegas and then hop into a helicopter. Because a Bachelor date is not complete without a helicopter. They fly over the Hoover Dam and the desert and the Grand Canyon.

Megan tells the story of how she got to be one of the Bachelor contestants. It started with her boss telling her to apply, and then her dad died of a massive heart attack. Her mom, though, encouraged her to follow her heart. After talking for a while, Soules pulls out a rose and offers it to Megan. She accepts, of course. And then they kiss for a while. Megan is over the moon. And, it seems, so is Soules.

Date card! “Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, and and Britt. Till death do us part! Chris.” The girls are a wee bit confused, but head out on their 11-on-one date with Soules.

The limo pulls up to a pitch-black building and they’re completely terrified. A zombie suddenly pops into the window, then the whole car is surrounded by zombies. Soules comes to save the day. Soules leads them into an armory with what I’m guessing are paintball guns. Britt: “I’m amazing at paintball.” Soules: “Ashley couldn’t comprehend that we’re shooting zombies, not each other.” I’m wondering how much armour these “zombies” are wearing. Ashley S then walks into the middle of a crowd of zombies. Yea. Ok. This woman is kind of off her rocker. Jillian: “Ashley S is crazy. She’s clearly terrified because someone gave her a gun.” Ashley then goes and shoots aleady-dead zombies. Lady. These are people dressed as zombies. You’re inflicting them with more pain than needed, you crazy woman. Ashley is the one who was looking for coconut flowers last week, right? Soules: “I’m not sure what’s going on with Ashley. She’s in a different world, there’s no question.”

Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are wearing face-masks and twerking. Oh, no. No, no, no. And Jordan is drunk. For the fourth night in a row, apparently. She does a handstand against a wall and gets her twerk on.

Back at the date, one of the girls asks Ashley if she shot her in the ankle. Ashley: “I would never shoot a person.” Of course you wouldn’t. Juelia: “Ashley is in Ashleyland right now.” Amber: “Something’s not all there.” Kaitlyn: “I think Ashley S would eat the rose.”

Kaitlyn & Soules get some time to talk. Be cool, Canadian girl. She then makes fun of her Canadian-ness. And then she gets a kiss. Yay, Canada!

Ashley comes back to the rest of the girls and they ask her where she’s been. She responds: “I heard the truth. That’s all. I mean, that’s how I feel. That’s how I feel, it’s like … BOOM.” Uh, what? “Boom. Like the truth. Boom. Go, like, go.” GO WHERE? “Go find your own way to the truth.” WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! The other girls wonder if they should talk to Soules about her. Ashley walks off in a cloud of butterflies and runs into Soules.

Ashley: “Don’t worry.”
Soules: “Don’t worry. I’m not worried. Do you wanna walk?”
Ashley: “I want you to hide.”
Soules: “Hide?”
Ashley: “Yea, let’s play hide and seek.”

And then the cloud of butterflies return and the two of them go for a walk. Oh my word. Soules: “I have never met anyone like Ashley in my entire life.”

Kaitlyn: “I am more scared of her than any zombie that could have ever attacked the limo.”

So, is she for real? Or is she playing it up with an expert poker-face? Or is she just a woman who is a fan-freaking-tastic actor? I can’t tell. She talks kind of like Luna Lovegood, except Luna is sane x1000 compared to Ashley.

Soules: “How you doin? Are you holding up ok?”
Ashley: “No. I don’t even know what you’re asking me.”
Soules: “Well, let’s go back, and maybe get some one-on-one time tomorrow.”
Ashley: “You don’t want to lose the whole world. Right? But actually, you don’t want to gain the world. You don’t want to lose your sole mate.”

Kaitlyn: “People watch the show and they see crazy people here, and think, is that staged? Is she an actress? What’s going on? Is she really that crazy? And I’m here to tell everyone that Ashley is full-blown … a crazy girl on The Bachelor.” Well, that answers my questions.

Ashley is now crawling around on the driveway (?) and Soules says that something has obviously gotten to her head. Uh, yea, that’s an understatement.

Britt pulls Soules aside. She says nice things, he says nice things. He got her a gift. A note that says, “Free kiss, from Chris.” At this point, it seems like she’ll be in the running for a while, if not the last one standing. I don’t know, to quote Harrison, “I think there’s some chemistry there.”

Chris goes back to the rest of the group. He picks up the group date rose and offers it to Kaitlyn. Yay, Canada! Britt is disappointed

Cocktail party! So far, Mackenzie, Megan, and Kaitlyn have roses. Whitney drags Soules off to some one-on-one time and gives Soules a bottle of wine he mentioned is his favourite. Soules seems to be pretty happy about it. Soules comes back to the girls and drags one of them off. At this point Ashley I tells Mackenzie and Megan that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend before. Um, and you came on The Bachelor to do this?! Oy. The two other girls are jealous. Mackenzie: “Well, I have a kid, so that’s kind of a give-away.”

Soules takes Ashley I away. She shows Soules her belly button ring and says he has three wishes. Soules says that he wanted to kiss her earlier at the tractor pull, so he’ll use his first wish to kiss her. She tells him that he has to rub the bellybutton ring first. Really? I’m not believing your story here, lady. So, he rubs the belly button ring and then they make out in front of everyone. A bit more hardcore than one would imagine one would do in front of one’s 21 other girlfriends. Britt is hurt. Which is understandable. I mean, yea, this whole process is a little … polygamous … but maybe “one-on-one” time should be a little more … inconspicuous?

Amber then takes Soules aside and they kiss as well. She tells Jordan, and Jordan freaks out a bit (in an excited, can’t believe it kind of way) and then tries to make out with the camera. Um. Jordan “goes in for the kill”. She goes and awkwardly breaks up a conversation. She asks him if he likes lipstick/herlipstick, and he asks her if she sees lipstick on him, and she asks him why he would have lipstick on him. His laugh makes me laugh. It’s pretty rad. He’s trying not to laugh at her drunken state. She then tells him that she wants to kiss him, that she just has to “go in for the kill!” And this is awkward. She tries to kiss him and he stands up and turns away a bit. “I should have kissed him.” Yea, because he wanted you so bad.

Rose Ceremony! Harrison comes in to get Soules.

Ok, guesses. Mackenzie, Megan, and Kaitlyn already have roses. Tara & Jordan have kind of been drunk the whole time. Ashley S is insane. Ashley I had a good make-out sesh with him. Soules obviously likes Britt. I bet she gets first rose. Soules tells Harrison that he’s got difficult decisions to make. But here goes!

Soules thanks the girls for being there, and that there will be ups and downs, but it’s worth it to find his wife. He picks up the first rose. Britt. (I was right!) Ashley I. (Tara is freaking out.) Trina. Kelsey. (Tara is freaking out.) Samantha. (Tara is shaking her head.) Juelia. Jillian steps forward, Soules specifies Juelia, and Jillian slips on the rug and hardcore bails. She then steps back and can’t stop laughing. Ashley I puts her arm around Jillian to keep her up. That’s got to be awkward. Amber. Tracy. Jillian. (Lots of laughs.) Jade. (Jordan wonders if Soules will keep Ashley S around.) Nikki. (Ashley S: “I think that I’m Chris’s type, but I’m not really like all the other girls her, so.”) Becca. (Kimberly is freaking out.) Carly. Whitney. (Jordan’s hair is a complete mess.) Harrison announces the final rose. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Ashley S. (OH MAH WORD.) Actually, maybe I’d have kept her around as well, just to see WHAT THE HECK she is all about.

Four girls going home: some girl whose name I can’t remember, Jordan, Kimberly, Tara. (I thought we had a connection. I thought I was his number one. But I’ve never been anyone’s number one. I’ll get used to rejection one day.)

Coming up! Next week on The Bachelor! Well, this should be fun. Someone walks into Soules’ room, bends down, and looks him straight in the face. “Chris. Chris, wake up. My name is Jimmy Kimmel.” Chris looks up, points in an I-know-who-you-are-holy-crap kind of way, and says, “What the -bleep_?!” I’m already excited!

Ok, so, three women overlap between Soules’ People article and the six who were highlighted at the beginning of last week’s episode: Britt, Whitney, and Kelsey. I know on Sean’s season Catherine was one of the highlighted ones, so let’s see if that rings true in Soules’ season as well. According to People and Soules’ interview with Kimmel last week, Ashley S is craaaazy, but then, we already knew that. Who do I think will be the last one standing? I honestly don’t know. When I searched for Soules’ Kimmel interview on YouTube, a video from Reality Steve (aka Mr. Spoilers) came up showing the one who went away from the final rose crying. So I know who one of the final two are, which frustrates me, but oh well. I still don’t know who wins overall, but maybe Britt? She’s an early front-runner. Or maybe Kaitlyn the Canadian? We shall see!

Short version:
Kimberly gets to return. (Whut?!) There are two group dates and a one-on-one date. Mackenzie has some one-on-one time at the end of the first group date, which goes both well and awkward. She tells Soules about her kid, which goes well, but she asks some awkward questions which are awkward. She gets a rose. Megan goes on the one-on-one date, there is a helicopter ride through the grand canyon, she tells Soules that her dad died a few months back, just after she was told to go to LA for the Bachelor. She gets a rose.

Jordan gets drunk at the house and goes on an upside-down twerkathon. The second group date shoots zombies with paintball guns. Ashley S doesn’t understand that they are shooting real people dressed as zombies. Kaitlyn the Canadian: “People watch the show and they see crazy people here, and think, is that staged? Is she an actress? What’s going on? Is she really that crazy? And I’m here to tell everyone that Ashley is full-blown … a crazy girl on The Bachelor.” Kaitlyn gets the rose on that group date.

At the cocktail party, Ashley I makes some crazy moves, Soules kisses a bunch of girls, and hilarity and drama ensue. Britt, Ashley I, Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and Ashley S (???) are chosen to stay. Eighteen remain. Is it next week yet?