I still can’t get used to the term “bunny hug”.

click here if you cannot see the video

A couple days ago, Liliana said to me: “Mama, can you go to my school and ask my teachers to take off the January month and put up the February month?” She is not a fan of January, but for very different reasons than me. She wants it to be April because she doesn’t want to be four anymore, she wants to be five. And she wants it to be February because Valentine’s Day is in February and she has been counting down the sleeps until February, thinking that the whole month is a giant Valentine’s Day Festival.

I am looking forward to January being over for different reasons. For some reason, I don’t know why, January is the month of The Sad. Most friends of mine who suffer from depression (and some who don’t) agree that January is the hardest month to get through. It gets dark early, it gets light late, it’s usually overcast and cold, and it’s the month after all the jolliness of Christmas. Here in Saskatchewan, we have had the most beautiful January. It’s been sunny and warm (negative single digits and a day of +9C. PLUS NINE! IN JANUARY!) and we only had one week where the temperatures dipped below -30C. But still. This month has sucked.

Depression is like quick sand. The more you fight it, the deeper you sink. At least that’s how it is for me. It’s easier to get through the bad depressive times if I just let myself go through them. If I try and distract myself, go out, socialize, try not to be such a hermit, I come home completely exhausted from all the putting on a happy face and I’m a complete bear for my family. It’s not fair to them. It’s not their fault that I’m losing my mind.

I’m pretty sure this is Noah’s least favorite month, too, because he’s the one who gets the brunt of it. He’s the one who has to scrape me off the floor, tell me that I’m not a complete failure, and deal with my ice-cold demeanor. He always has to ask if he’s done something wrong or if I’m just having a down day. (Nine times out of ten, it’s the latter.)

I am sick of spending the whole day vibrating with anxiety. Because I have to abstain from nursing Preston for six hours after I take my anti-anxiety med — which is really annoying since I really hate pumping milk — I do my best to hold off. I go into a Netflix-coma during nap time to distract myself. (I’ve been on a safe-for-nursing anti-depressant for a couple months now, which has helped a lot, but it’s not a cure-all.)

I feel bad that I’m not the only one that this affects. It affects the four other people who live with me, too. When I’m having a particularly bad day, Noah’s good at sending me for quiet time when he gets off work, which is quite wonderful. It’s a lot easier to cope now that he understands depression more — that it’s an illness, not just a bad mood I can snap out of (although I really wish that’s all it was).

(Side note: The doctor I was seeing for a while in Regina told me that the best way to get over my depression was to think about women who are worse off than I am — in abusive situations and such. She obviously knows nothing about depression because I’m not depressed about/because of my life circumstances. My husband doesn’t make me depressed, my kids don’t make me depressed, my lack of something-or-other does not make me depressed. Some circumstances make the depression worse, yes, but I think that doctor seriously needs to go to a mental health seminar or five.)

I hate feeling like a failure. I hate all the self-loathing. I hate not being able to look in the mirror. I hate feeling apathetic. I hate avoiding being in public. I hate nightmares. I hate the dread I feel when I get out of bed in the morning.

There’s hope, though. My meds are working. January is (almost) over. Spring is coming, and after that, summer. I don’t have to leave my babies to go back to work. The kids have a week off coming up. I’m making plans for the year ahead (running a 10k with Kami in May! seeing my whole family in Summerland in August!).

The (proverbial) sun will come out, tomorrow.

Thanks for all the book recommendations the other day. My book list is growing and I’m looking forward to getting to all the ones you suggested. We went to the library yesterday and I paid my $36 in fines. Yes, you read that right, because one of my kids decided to lose a book and do you know what happens when you lose a book? You have to pay double the retail price. Or that’s what I’m thinking anyway, because how can a kid’s book cost $36?!

***

I think I briefly mentioned something about having two babies starting in March (oh, here it is). I had to do something sucky a couple weeks ago. I quit my job. And then I quit another one. And another one. And another one. (That was FOUR, if you lost count.) I didn’t do it because I didn’t like my job(s). I really enjoyed all of them.

I shook the entire day that I distributed resignation letters. I felt like I was letting people down. When I left for my mat leave, I told everyone that my plan was to return, but I didn’t give any absolutes. Secretly I hoped that I wouldn’t be returning, because I really, really wanted to be able to stay home with my yet-to-be-born baby and his sisters. The girls were so excited when I was done work and I was so excited to pick Liliana up from daycare on the last day. Her daycare was less than stellar and I hated dropping her off.

The thing is, though, like I said, I really liked my jobs. I enjoyed working. I had four great bosses, awesome colleagues, and great hours. My job situation(s) could not have been better. But, I started stressing about daycare the moment I started my mat leave. I looked around, I called about 20 daycare centres, I looked on kijiji, I looked in the paper, I asked friends, I asked on Facebook. Nothing. Either the place sounded sketchy or they were full with a long waiting list. I asked about rates, and after doing the math — paying for two kids in full-time care and one kid in after-school care — I realized we’d just be breaking even. It wasn’t worth it financially for me to go back. The tiny bit that I would bring home after paying for daycare was not worth the stress/anxiety of having to be away from Preston and Liliana. (Kaylie loves school and loved her school’s after-school program, so I didn’t worry about her.)

So, I get to stay home. Between freelance writing and looking after a friend’s baby (20 days older than Preston)(they are hilarious together, those two), I’ll make as much as I do right now from maternity benefits, so financially it will be fine. It was such a huge load off my shoulders when this decision was made and I am looking forward to this year so much more now.

***

Russ has shown this music video in church a couple times, and again this past Sunday. I love it. It challenges me and makes me think about what more I could be doing for those less fortunate.

click here if you cannot see the video

***

Kaylie didn’t want to go to school this morning. I made her go anyway. Is that mean? I’m hoping they talk about the gun incident last Thursday, and the importance of NOT bringing guns to school. You’d think it was a given, right? Apparently they’ve been having lockdown drills, but when an actual gun went off they … did nothing. Am I wrong to be angry about this? Maybe I’m just overprotective? Expecting too much? I’m forcing myself not to think about it today.

***

There is an intersection near our house that changed a couple months ago. Whereas the stop signs used to be facing north/south, they now face east/west and for some reason, even though I drive through this intersection every day, I usually still stop where there used to be a stop sign and I feel very uneasy if I go right through the intersection without stopping. Is this weird? Is this stupid? Did I even have to write this? Am I boring you to death with the mundane? I should just go back to my book and stop bothering you?

Anyway, yesterday was one of the worse days, and then I got a phone call from Kaylie that went something like this:

“Mama, someone brought a real gun to school and it exploded and I’m scared. Can you come get me?”

“WHAT? A GUN?”

“Yea, I want to come home.”

“I’m coming to get you right now.”

“Okay … um … I just have to make sure it’s okay with my teacher that I go home.”

“No, you tell your teacher you’re leaving because I’m your mom and I’m the boss of you and you are coming home.”

“Okay.”

Um, yea, so that was fun. Apparently an 11-year-old Grade 5 boy (THE SAME GRADE AS KAYLIE)(just a different class) brought a gun to school and it went off in his backpack in his locker cubby hook thing. (How is that even possible? Is that just the story they’re going with? That it “went off”?) Apparently he didn’t know that it was loaded. The front page of this morning’s paper had a quote from a police officer which said, “Initially our officers thought he may have taken it as something to show friends.” So that means that he didn’t just take it to show his friends, so WHY did he bring it to school? Nobody was hurt and school went on, although kids were given the option of going home if they wanted to. When I got there, there were cops and a news station outside.

I’m glad she has no school tomorrow (previously scheduled day off) because I’m pretty sure I’d keep her home anyway. I’m not letting myself go into the what-ifs of a kid BRINGING A LOADED GUN TO SCHOOL because they are just horrible, like what if he brought it to the playground and pretended to shoot one of his friends in a “game” and actually shot him or her? What if the gun didn’t hit a metal water bottle in the kid’s backpack, but was aimed out at the kids? WHAT IF? I just can’t think about it. Homeschooling starts on Monday. (I’m kidding.)(Kind of.)

Anyway, on to things that don’t involve guns in my kid’s school.

At Canadian Family: 3 Great Baby Gates for Little Ones on the Move

Daily Flickr Photos:
(click for description)

On Instagram:
(click for description)

***

There was the most incredible sunrise this morning. I will never, ever tire of Saskatchewan sunrises. This morning it looked like the sky was on fire — pink fire. At one point on my morning commute, the tallest city buildings were framed perfectly in the middle of the brightest part of the sunrise, as we viewed it from across a large field. I could sit there all morning and watch, although I’d be freezing cold and I’d probably get some weird looks as I sit there in my lawn chair in the middle of winter.

***

Noah had a super-awesome day yesterday for three very important (to him)(and therefore to the rest of us) reasons: (1) he’s part of fantasy hockey league (that he runs) and he is winning this week by quite a bit, (2) his Penguins won, and (3) his Patriots won and are on their way to the Super Bowl. He didn’t think that all three things could happen in one awesome day, but they did.

That last item is good news and bad news. It’s good news because the Patriots are in the Super Bowl, but it’s bad news because it’s a repeat of the 2008 Super Bowl in which the Patriots played the Giants and lost. And Noah had to watch them lose in front of a dozen of his man friends. He didn’t cry. On the outside. He’s going to his parents’ place to watch the Big Game, and I’m glad that he’ll have his mom around to celebrate with or to console him. (I’m not known for my sports sympathy.)(Although I will be watching the game.)(With ladies and babies.)

Also, I got some footage of Noah watching yesterday’s game and it is comedy GOLD. (Yes, Eric, I am sending it to you.)

***

I read this post from Ali this morning and I laughed out loud. She wrote about being a blogger with non-blogger friends and it is rad.

***

Miss Liliana has a really hard life. I was talking to my mom the other day and asked Liliana if she’d like to talk to Grannie. “Yea, then I can tell her about my bad life.” Bad things always happen to Liliana, like that time that Kaylie had Silly Putty (Silly Pudding, according to Liliana) and Liliana didn’t, or that time when she had to get dressed AND have breakfast and that was just too many things to do, or that time that Kaylie had the Lego ladder first and that JUST WASN’T FAIR, or when her beautiful artwork has to be removed from her wall, or when Kaylie asked for a foot-long Subway sandwich and Liliana flipped out because she didn’t want a foot sandwich, she wanted a peanut butter sandwich.

And sometimes she just likes to double-check things. “No one ever takes my brains away, right Mama?”

***

I added a 2012 Book List page up top there because one of my 2012 resolutions is to read 52 books, one for each week of the year. At this moment, I’m on Book Four and it’s the fourth week of January, so that’s good, right? I’d love some recommendations, though. I don’t think I read a single book last year and that is just not right. I’m reading the Harry Potter series right now, but what should I read next? What is your favorite book? What book do you think is a must-read?

Now I just need to pay off my library fines and I’m good to go.

Daddy’s teams are playing today.

It’s currently 2-2 in the second period of the Penguins/Capitals game, and the Patriots playoff do-or-die game starts in just under an hour.

Daddy’s a little nervous, but maybe his Little Patriot can help calm his nerves.

(If calming his nerves is even possible.)

Me: “Well that’s too bad. Where is she moving?”

Liliana: “I don’t know. Somewhere. Maybe China.”

Me: “Oh really?”

Liliana: “Do we live in Canada?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kaylie: “Canada is the second-biggest country in the world. Russia is the biggest. And the smallest is … Haiti? Philippines? Hawaii?”

Me: “Hawaii is not a country.”

My kids need some geography lessons. Anyway, here’s what else went on this week:

At Canadian Family: A Smart Solution for Little Teethers: The Teethifier

Daily Photos:
(click for description)

On Instagram:
(click for description)

(There are actually nine people there, but five of them were drawn with a very light-colored marker. You can see them if you tilt your screen.)

“Who drew on the wall, Liliana?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you draw on the wall?”

“Because I wanted to be creative! I wanted to make you guys happy!”

Oh, goodness. There were lots of words said. We encouraged her, told her that we loved her artwork, but also told her that drawing on the walls was inappropriate and that her drawing would have to be removed. She was UP. SET. “BUT I WANT MY ROOM TO BE CREATIVE!!!”

Liliana had just brought home some artwork from school, so we got some sticky tack and put that up on her wall, and Noah told her that he was going to bring home a roll of paper from work and that she could color it and we could put it up on her wall. I know that she knows that drawing on the walls is wrong, but I also know that she loves art and crafts and her walls are very empty.

This is one of those rare circumstances where we didn’t dish out a consequence, besides removing the markers from her room and removing her picture from the wall. Thankfully, she drew the picture with washable markers. I’d been letting her color during her afternoon quiet time, as she’d been showing she could handle it — keeping the makers on the paper only — but we’ll keep the markers at the table from now on.

How cool would it be, though, to have walls that she could color on? I may have to look into that.

“Poison.”

“You thought that up pretty quick.”

“I saw it on Bones.”

“Would it be quick or slow?”

“Probably slow. Or maybe quick. I have to think about this.”

“You kind of scare me, you know?”

“It would be an untraceable poison.”

“And what if you didn’t use poison?”

“I’d off you and then just get rid of the body. No body, no murder.”

“But you can’t lift me. I’m too heavy.”

“I’d cut you into pieces.”

*shakes head*

Blog posts can’t be used as evidence, right?

2. a fresh snowfall

3. a newly-discovered recipe

4. clean laundry

5. freshly-brushed teeth

Grace in Small Things is a social network that Schmutzie created to wage a battle against embitterment.