Well, I’m not persuaded it’s as simple as that.  In one of the consulting engagements I’m doing right now, this theme rings loud and clear in two ways. 

First, I often find myself thinking that some of the advice I’m going to give my client is obvious to them, and therefore not necessarily that valuable.  But I give the advice anyway, because I’d rather they hear an idea from me that they’ve already thought of than miss an idea altogether because I assumed they already knew.

Time and again, I am surprised to discover that they had not thought of it.  It was obvious to me, but not to them.  And then I remember: oh yeah, I’ve got more than 13 years’ experience in this field full-time, and I’ve been using these concepts in my work and my life for over 17 years.  Ideas, habits, and practices that have become second nature to me are unlikely to be second nature to them.  

The second way this theme shows up is within the client team I’m advising.  They will regularly not bother saying something to someone or asking someone about something, because they assume it’s obvious.  They don't want to waste time, embarrass themselves, or embarrass the other person, so they say nothing.  What happens?  More bumps along the way, or more unhappy surprises.  

The common denominator in both these situations is ASSUMPTIONS.  

Yes - that old troublemaker - assumptions.

Making assumptions isn’t necessarily a problem in itself.  In fact, we need to make assumptions about all kinds of things to be able to operate in a normal and healthy way in society.  I assume that when I turn the key in my door, it will lock and unlock.  I assume that if I set my alarm clock it will go off at the designated time, I assume that my staff will be working on business days unless I’m told otherwise, I assume that the subway trains are running unless I hear otherwise, I assume my car will start when I turn the key.  I assume the grocery store will have food on the shelves.  These sound ridiculous, but they are in fact assumptions.  Imagine if you had to check each one of those assumptions each day before taking action based on that assumption?  You’d barely get through a day.  You’d have no time to accomplish anything material.   Take it another step: I assume I can trust my wife, my family, my close friends, my team, my close colleagues.  Imagine how disabling it would be to always be second guessing this? 

Lots of assumptions are normal, healthy, and in fact helpful. 

But when it comes to dealing with other people in situations that are changing all the time, it’s a different story – especially when we don’t know the people well.  Here, not testing your assumptions typically spells trouble:

• How can I be so confident that I know what another person really wants or thinks?
• Why is it a good idea to conclude that they’ll see it the way I see it? 
• How can I be so sure that what is obvious to me is also obvious to them?
• Worse, why would I be so arrogant as to assume that if they don’t see something my way, or is something isn’t obvious to them that is obvious to me, they are just plain stupid or misguided?  Maybe they see a different picture.  Maybe they value different things.  Maybe…the list is endless. 

Maybe a better way to think is this:

It’s obvious that what’s obvious to me isn’t necessarily obvious to you.

As I sit here reflecting on things in the wee hours of the night, the phrase "The Road Less Traveled" came to mind.  I remembered a wonderful poem by Robert Frost about this concept.  It is in fact called "The Road Not Taken" while "The Road Less Traveled" is the title of a bestseller written by M. Scott Peck (and American Psychiatrist) in 1978, but these facts are neither here nor there.  

The point is, I feel like this is what I should be doing: taking the road less traveled. 

What does that mean?

• It means making the choice that isn't the easiest one, but the better one. 
• It means having the courage to be bold. 
• It means not selling out on my dreams. 
• It means following my inner wisdom, and pursuing the path that gives me the most joy.  

All of this is easier said than done.  But, I owe it to myself and all those around me to do it.  I serve no one by taking the safe route.  

I will end this posting with Robert Frost's beautiful poem.  May it inspire you. 

It has been fascinating to read their experiences.

One theme that became eminently clear once again is the importance of the context within which the negotiation takes place, and as part of that, the timing.  Another very important thing is how the negotiation is begun.  What is the opening line?  What is the frame on the negotiation, and how (if at all) is that frame being modified based on how you begin?

For example, are both parties actually in a mental and emotional state where they are open to a conversation about something important?  Is the physical setting conducive to it?  Are there any time pressures or other pressures on either party at the moment that might get in the way?  

Failing to consider these factors can be disastrous to the likely result. 

Specifically, one thing to watch out for is whether or not the other party feels that the context has been manipulated in such a way as to “set them up” and somehow stack the situation in your favour and against theirs.  In a few of the situations my students described in their journals, parties chose to do something really nice for their counterpart, using that as a way to “soften them up” for the negotiation.  This often backfired, since the counterpart saw through the strategy and was therefore more opposed to whatever idea was being put forward.  Furthermore, the relationship was also damaged, which - aside from being unpleasant in its own right - has negative impacts on future negotiation results.

This does not mean that it’s not a good idea to invest in your relationships.  To the contrary.  We all know that strong relationships are critical enablers to successful negotiations.  I am also not saying that it’s not a good idea to be purposeful about the context you negotiate in and the groundwork you lay for the negotiations.  I am saying, however, that you should think hard about (a) whether your investment in the relationship has a hidden agenda designed to manipulate the outcome, and (b) how your “moves” to set the context and environment for the negotiation might be perceived by the other party.  Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. 

Remember, the means has a huge impact on the end.  If the setting is wrong and the timing is bad, a perfectly feasible negotiation can be completely derailed.  

I am spending 2 months here while teaching at a University near Paris (a great place to be as spring approaches), and I came across a very interesting book that my wife picked up.  It is called "French Women Don't Get Fat", by Mireille Giuliano (a French national married to an American).  It's stated purpose and focus is on helping women find a healthy, sustainable way to enjoy food while eating well and honouring their bodies. 

I have enjoyed reading it so far, in part for its useful advice on wellness and eating healthily, but even moreso for its wise words about life in general.  I want to share some of that wisdom with you here.

Probably my favourite statement in the book so far came on page 41.  It is, I think, a very useful insight into life:

"We are fragile beings in a world full of temptations"

This comment is made in the context of an insight the author's former doctor had about people.  It was an insight he applied to his work with the author in helping her return to a balanced weight and a sustainable way of eating and enjoying life.

When I read that phrase, it landed so solidly I had to put the book down for a while.  My mind raced with images of so many times when that statement held true for me.  I became inspired and had a flurry of ideas.  I found myself reflecting on many situations I've wrestled with as I tried to stay on course for a goal I was pursuing, only to beat myself up because I had strayed from the target due to some other interruption or priority.  It also really resonated in the sense that I am interested in many things, and sometimes find it difficult to stay focused on a few key priorities when so many fascinating and wonderful new opportunities come to my attention all the time.  Fortunately, these are generally "good" temptations.  Stil, they can create a lot of consternation inside of me. 

I also appreciated the quote because of the compassion I saw in it.  I am sometimes ruthless with myself when it comes to falling behind on a goal or making a mistake with something or someone where I feel I "should have known better".  For me, the "fragile beings" part of the quote really speaks to the nature of being human, and it seems to call out for self-compassion.  I think we can all use more of this. 

Here are two other thoughts I appreciated:

"Deprivation is the mother of failure"

and

"Any program that your mind interprets as punishment
is one that it is bound to rebel against"

So true!  Think of how many changes you've tried to make in your life that either felt like punishment or involved a lot of deprivation.  Did they last?  I bet not.

This is not to say there isn't a role in life for occasional deprivation.  There are many cultural and religious traditions around the globe that involve periodic or ritualistic deprivation of one sort or another.  However, in many cases these are short term undertakings, and I see them as ways of teaching us (or reminding us) to appreciate life as we have it.  In situations where the deprivation or punishment is designed to be part of everyday life, I see high costs and unclear benefits. 

Finally, another piece of wisdom I very much appreciated was the notion of the power of "slight recalibration".  That is, the power of small changes.  As the author put it,

"Little changes
can make a big difference
in the long run"

Absolutely.  If we want to make a big change that wil become a part of who we are, one of the most sustainable ways to do it is to make small adjustments in that direction, like a ship adjusting course on the ocean.  In time, those adjustments add up to something big.  Perhaps most importantly, because they were made in small steps along the way, they have become engrained in your way of doing things; even in your way of being.  That, my friends, is a recipe for success.  Sure, sometimes quick, bold, dramatic shifts are called for, but many things in life need time to incubate and nurture themselves.  The incremental approach described by the author definitely creates that space. 

Let's all be thankful for the gems of wisdom we come across in our lives.

I’m on a flight heading back from a fantastic workshop in Atlanta today with other entrepreneurs in.  Again, I am reminded that Perspective wins the day. 

Sound familiar?  Check out our homepage.  Just because that’s our motto, it doesn’t mean we always remember to live it.  I certainly forget sometimes.  Specifically, the part I forget is to be purposeful - on a very regular basis - about MANAGING MY PERSPECTIVE.  

One way to do that is to manage your exposure to mass media.  In a recent blog entry I talked about the distinction between being INFORMED versus INUNDATED.  I think the media companies are happy for you to be inundated – as long as you are inundated with THEIR product.  Sadly, their content is predominately NEGATIVE. 

And unfortunately, bad news sells more - and faster - than good news.  A statistic I heard today was that BAD NEWS SELLS THREE TIMES FASTER than good news.  I don’t know if the statistic is precisely accurate, but it certainly resonates with my own experience and observations.  The reason behind it is an entirely other subject, but suffice it to say, it is generally in the media’s interest to give us more bad news than good.   

I was recently thrown off the rails into fear and worry related to this whole economic silliness we see around us and the hysteria the media is making of it.  Even while managing my media exposure, I got sucked in – in part because I got caught up in some of the decisions our clients have been making, and how that’s affected us.  I’ve been working my way back to centre, and today’s workshop brought me the rest of the way back.  Thank goodness for that.  

After all, as the group leader wrote on a flip chart today:

WORRY IS A POOR USE OF IMAGINATION.

What a terrific piece of wisdom!

Keep in mind that we generally fulfill our own prophesies.  Like I said in my last blog entry, ECONOMIC CYCLES ARE MOSTLY DETERMINED BY GROUP PSYCHOLOGY.  Since our feelings are governed by our thoughts, it’s important to manage our thoughts.  Otherwise, we will simply be buffeted around like dead leaves on a windy day.  

As I've said before, I believe that every problem is also an opportunity.  A crisis is a BIG problem, so, a crisis is a BIG opportunity.  

We can let the current crisis be a disaster for us, or we can turn it into something great.  It’s up to us – each and every ONE of us.

As I've heard from several wise people lately:

NEVER LET A GOOD CRISIS GO TO WASTE.

I remember sitting through sleep-inducing "Economics 101" lectures back in the first year of my undergraduate degree, listening to the professor describing consumers as "rational actors" and thinking, "yeah, right!" 

One of the foundational premises of economics is the notion that we as individuals make rational choices about various possible ways of allocating our limited resources among alternative uses.  At the time I think I took it on faith given the intellectual authority of the esteemed professor with his credibility-enhancing British accent, or was too busy sleeping to argue, or both.  I remember wondering about this notion, thinking it was too neat and tidy, but, I left it at that. 

Since then, my 25 years of life experience and 20 years of work experience, traveling through over 60 countries on every continent except Antarctica, living in 5 of them on 3 continents, and working in this field that studies human behaviour, I have come to regard many of the actions we humans take as being anything BUT rational.   

All you have to do to is look at how you (and your fellow "competitors") behave during a sale of a hot item to analyze that scenario.  Consider the actions of multiple bidders on a real estate property in a hot market.  If you've been one of them, can you really say all of your actions were rationally driven?  Really?  I've been one of those crazed people, and trust me, I was NOT being a "rational actor".  My emotions got hooked into the equation - even my identity in some way, I would say - and that drove some of my key decisions.  

Now, use this lens to look at a number of economic situations of days gone by, such as:

• The "dot com" bubble and burst of the year 2000(?)
• The real estate bubble of the early 2000's and subsequent burst in 2008
• The stock market bubble and burst of the same period
• The oil price spike and plummet of 2008
• The dramatic drop in worldwide commodity prices in 2008

Yes, there were "fundamentals" underlying all of these events.  Said differently, there were things that had gone past their sustainable levels.  AND, now they are way below their sustainable levels.  

Why?  Because of group psychology, I believe. 

If we look at only the last economic cycle, we could clearly see that "the fundamentals" were out of whack for quite a while.  Housing affordability was at record lows yet kept making new record lows, prices in the stock market seemed to far outstrip the sustainable earning power of the underlying companies, etc.  

So why did things keep going up? 

Because enough people believed they would keep going up, so enough people kept buying, proving the others (and themselves) right.

This all continued until we reached an arbitrary point at which enough people started to say, "this is too far.  We can't keep doing this, and started to sell."  

And now, we're in a period where so many of us are scared, we've sold too much.  Things are too low now.  We're below what "the fundamentals" would say we "should" be doing as "rational actors".

Why?  Group Psychology.

Too many of us are scared, and too few are ready (yet) to make the first bold moves. 

When will it stop?  When will it start to turn around?  When enough of us - at some arbitrary point - say, "OK, things are bad enough now, and they've been bad enough for long enough.  I guess it's safe to buy now because there are good deals out there." In fact, the turnaround may have already begun, but we just aren't hearing about it. 

Again, group psychology.

Now if you call that "rational actors" making choices to allocate their limited resources among alternative uses, I'd love to talk to you about how and/or why, because I must be missing something massive.  

To the circus we call "life".  

Then I realized: I’m not “thinking” about this.  I’m just “having thoughts”.  

Too often we mistake one for the other.

The act of thinking is a purposeful thing.  It involves direction and implies having an explicit intention and focus.  You can direct your thinking, guide it, refine it.  

In contrast, “having thoughts” is simply the act of noticing thoughts running through your brain.  It is completely different than thinking.  It's like your brain on auto pilot without a destination, or on loud speaker without a defined subject.  It's not a bad thing - I just think it's important to distinguish between the two, because they are very different. 

I think confusing them even has the potential of being dangerous:  

Consider a situation where you have a negative opinion of someone.  You think they're out to make you look bad.  By default, your unconscious mind wants to find evidence to support your belief.  So, if you see the person do something that seems suspect, your most likely automatic conclusion is that this action is just one more piece of evidence confirming your view.  That is more like "having thoughts" about the situation.  If you were to purposefully THINK about it, you could catch yourself making the same old worst-case assumption and then say to yourself, "OK, she didn't necessarily intend to have that impact.  I'm just making up the same old bad story again.  Why else might she have done that?  Maybe, in fact, she was actually trying to be nice and extend an olive branch." 

The example above is really mild, but consider stereotypes, racism, and other forms of discrimination, fear, or hate.  Often these problems are fuelled by the absence of REAL THINKING; by our unwillingness to challenge our own ideas - to ask ourselves why we believe what we believe about a certain person, group, or subject. 

So, the next time someone asks you to “think about it”, check in with yourself to see whether you're really thinking about it or you're just "having thoughts" about it.

Ok, that's not strictly accurate.  It doesn't feel so much like tooting my horn as it feels like acknowledging some substantial progress I have made in my work and my life.  And, I'm of course writing this to invite you to do the same for yourself.  

I am currently out of town for about a week, working on a project with several colleagues.  The project has been an "in-your-face" reminder of how far I have come in several areas. 

Specifically:

• Setting limits and boundaries.
• Making purposeful choices about where I put my time, energy, and money.
• Thinking strategically.
• Thinking longer term.
• Allowing time/space to enjoy the journey - especially when I'm busy.
• Hitting the "pause" button to step back, look at the big picture, and focus on the right priorities.

I see so many people around me running on a treadmill, rarely stopping to ask themselves where they're headed, or why they're running in the first place!  As I see the team around me spinning around in a flurry of activity, I could see that same pattern happening. 

So, I did my thing (which I only have become better at in recent years).  I hit the pause button, asked where things stood, what our key priorities were, and then set about putting the structure in place that we needed.  The result was a much more orderly operation, more coordinated teamwork, a better and more efficient result, and way more fun.  How great is that?  

My invitation to you is for you to look at your life and find places where you could maybe do this for yourself.  In my experience, it's well worth the effort.  

I am here with my wife, visiting relatives and enjoying New York at this time of year.  We went to Times Square last night but were too late to get closer than two blocks from the square itself, so we went to a nearby venue and rung in the New Year, and then returned to Times Square after midnight when it was opening up again and in cleanup mode.  It was great fun.  The action and energy of walking around the surrounding blocks with the many thousands of others, talking to fellow revelers, talking to police, celebrating and wishing each other a Happy New Year was just terrific.  One could feel the electricity in the air.  Given all the gloom and doom that has surrounded this financial and cultural capital in recent months, it was nice to feel this positive, happy energy instead.     

I always enjoy New Year's Eve because it's another opportunity to reflect on the past and consider the future (that is, for those of us who celebrate the New Year at this time of year based on this calendar).  While it's easy to take a cynical view and just write off the whole thing as one big superficial "forced" party, I prefer to take the view that looks for the opportunity and the upside in the event.  Specifically, I like the notion of pausing to take stock and look forward.  It is so easy to just "exist", and move through life from one event to the next, never really pausing to take in the experience. 

I invite you to create some time to do this for yourself in the next week, before you get caught up in the whirlwind of day-to-day life again.  It doesn't have to take much time.  Give thanks for your joys and accomplishments, acknowledge or mourn your sorrows and failures, and then create some goals for the coming year.  If you are the kind of person who creates occasions for this regularly anyway, great!  You can still use this occasion as a way to "check in" with yourself and see how you're doing.  I know it sounds odd, but really, how often do we consciously and intentionally do this?  I actually see it as a way to honour myself and honour what's important to me.  It's a very positive experience, and it is a critical piece of actually crafting the kind of future I want to have. 

I would like to share with you some questions my coach encourages me to consider for these purposes.  I'm passing her wisdom onto you in the hope that it will be useful to you as well. The process is called "Completing" the past year, and "Creating" the next one.  Completion is distinct from finishing or ending in the sense that completing allows you to clear the decks, learn necessary lessons, and reflect in a way that leaves you in a great place to really create or design the kind of year you want to have, without carrying baggage with you from the year behind you.  That does not mean you forget the past year.  It means you take your lessons and memories with you - from your good and your bad experiences - and use those lessons in an empowering way going forward.

The completion questions are as follows:

• What are the highlights of the past year?
• What lessons did you learn?
• What do you need to say to be "complete" with this year?
• Who do you need to make amends with or thank?
• What is there to say about your money, investments, and debts?
• What disappointments, distractions, desires and dreams from this past year require attention or acknowledgment?

You can say you have reached completion with the year when you have nothing more to say about the person or subject in question.  This exercise can be done in dialogue, in a journal, or just in quiet reflection.  As noted earlier, this lets you clear the decks and in some ways start with a clean slate as you "create" the kind of year you'd like to have going forward.

To "create" or design your ideal year, consider one or more of the following items:

• Summarize your goals and dreams for the coming year. 
• Write out your specific intentions for the year.
• Imagine yourself at December 31st, 2009, and write - in the past tense - your goals and accomplishments for 2009.  Although it may seem odd, this specific method of "goal setting" is quite enjoyable, and I find it increases my sense of belief in whether or not I can actually make it happen.

Having done this exercise, put your goals somewhere that is easy to refer to, and then review them on some kind of regular basis.  I recommend at least once per month, and more frequent than that is probably better. Whatever you do, though, set it up as something that is enjoyable.  If the notion (and process) of reviewing your goals and dreams is laborious and unpleasant for you, either don't do it, or find a way to do it that IS fun and empowering.  After all, life is short, and is meant to be enjoyed.

Now, after all my serious advice, let me finish once again by wishing you my very best for the coming year.  You have more influence over how it goes than you think.  We have limited influence over what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond to what happens.   So, instead of saying "have" a good year, let me end by saying "make it" a great year.   Enjoy!

I'm going to address a potentially sensitive topic today. 

Christmas is almost upon us, and based on this year's calendar, this evening represents the lighting of the 3rd Hanukkah Candle (if my information is accurate).  Aside from that, there is no other major religious observation occuring among the world's major religions.  In regard to Christmas specifically, beyond the religious significance for Christians, millions of people around the world celebrate Christmas in their own more "secular" way, which offers many good opportunities for family gatherings and good deeds. 

Yet, instead of saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" to those celebrating either tradition, we say "Happy Holidays".  I don't know about you, but I find this unfortunate.

Especially in more recent years, I have found the "genericization" of how we describe this time of year in this part of the world to be rather empty. 

I can only guess at why "Happy Holidays" became the predominant greeting in North America in particular.  I think it came from a good intention - the intention of being more inclusive of different faiths and traditions, and the intention of not offending anyone.  However - while the intention was good - I don't think the impact has necessarily been so good.  I feel we are now talking to nobody when we say "Happy Holidays".  It often feels like a safe yet somewhat meaningless greeting to me.

Surveying a few of the world's major religions in a little more detail, including Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism, from what I can determine, only Christianity and Judaism have any religious ritual that regularly occurs around Christmas time as measured by the Gregorian Calendar (which bases its measurements of years on the sun vs. the moon, used for the Buddhist, Muslim, and Jewish calendars, for example).  For Jews, Hanukkah (also spelled as Chanukah) tends to occur between late November and late December on the Gregorian calendar.  This is because, although the Hebrew calendar calculates its 12 months using the lunar cycle (which add up to about 11 days less than 12 "solar" months, it calculates years using the solar cycle, and keeps the two in check by adding an extra month every few years.  For Muslims, Ramadan appears to be the most important religious observation.  As noted earlier, Muslims also use the lunar calendar, but they use it to measure both their months and their year.  Thus, their year is about 11 days shorter than the solar year.  This means that the dates of Ramadan move forward about 11 days per year.  Therefore, it is only about once every 30 years that Ramdan occurs around late December for a few years (this year it was early Sept to Early Oct in the Gregorian Calendar) .  In the years when that happens, we can acknowledge the celebration of Ramadan to our Muslim friends and neighbours.   

What I tend to say to people is, "Are you celebrating Christmas or Hanukkah?".  If the answer is, "Yes, I'm celebrating Hanukkah", I wish them "Happy Hanukkah!"  If they say, "Yes, I'm celebrating Christmas", I say, "Merry Christmas!"  If they're not celebrating either one, I ask them if they're taking time off around now, or doing anything else unusual given how many people celebrate Christmas in particulr in this part of the world, I acknowledge that and wish them well with it, and then we part ways.  It seems to work very well. 

And, whenever I tell people that I prefer to be more specific in my well-wishes, I get a very positive response. 

If you live in a part of the world where many people celebrate Christmas, I invite you to consider this way of greeting people in your interactions with them. 

Try it out and see what impact it has.  We live in a beautiful world full of richness and diversity (just like nature).  Why not acknowledge and celebrate that richness, instead of trying to turn all of it into a nameless, faceless, undifferentiated blob.  As always, I'm interested in any comments you'd like to offer. 

So, Merry Christmas!  Happy Hanukkah!

And, if you're not celebrating either one but you live in a part of the world that does, I hope you find your own way to benefit from the change of pace and the special events.