HijiNKS ENSUE - A Geek Comic

Black Magic Woman

Joel — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:55:00 +0000

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New Readers

Wizard Pride T-Shirts at Sharksplode!

My friend Dave saw The Woman In Black and experienced a “muggle heckler” as pictured above. Some people are just so clever, they have to share it with a room full of strangers who’ve paid money to concentrate on something else.

I am never going to be able to look at Daniel Radcliffe and NOT see Harry Potter, but I don’t think that means I won’t be able to take him seriously in other roles. I will just have a harder time concentrating on whatever it is he is doing on screen that does not involve horcruxes, hippogriffs and Hagrids. Emma Watson, on the otherhand… well she has that new short haircut… and the soft skin… soooo sooooft… sooooo skinnnnnnn… [eh hem] Yeah, I think her career will be just fine. Then there’s Rupert Grint. Look, Rupe, I know a lot of guys at comic conventions all over the country and I’m sure I can get you brought in as a guest to a few of them. Have your mom call my people.

Oh, and I did something very bad on my Tumblr.

COMMENTERS: Do you think the Harry Potter kids will be taken seriously as actors beyond their magical personas, or will they get shuffled off into convention circuit oblivion? Who do you think is the best example of a child star overcoming their “big” role? Which actors were you never able to see as anything but the role that made them famous?

You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

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A Lament For Language

Joel — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 20:45:21 +0000

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NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

I’m not saying the Internet is making us more stupid. On the contrary. It’s just making us SOUND more stupid. Now if you will pardon me, I have to go update my Frangbo.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever found yourself uttering an Internet-born word or phrase with complete sincerity only to realize later how incredibly dumb it sounded? I still don’t like to say “he Tweeted me” or “they @’d me” in real conversation. I will usually take the long way around to “_____ said this on Twitter.” Alternately, please make up some more fake-but-totally-plausible-sounding social media services.

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We Are The 5%

Joel — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:09:30 +0000

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NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

Josh IRL actually got a stern warning from AT&T that his “unlimited” data usage was approaching it’s lim… utmost boundary. I find this kind of shit infuriating. The trend among data service providers (cell, internet, tv, etc) is to give the customer a reasonable deal in exchange for a reasonable level of service UNTIL the service is widely adopted, at which point they reduce features and raise fees. I’m in a situation where I can NEVER alter my AT&T plan up or down in any direction because I am also grandfathered into unlimited data and a calling plan that was phased out years ago, and which has no comparable equivalent in terms of features/price. I guess It’s good to know that the grandfathered “unlimited” data plan I’ve been clinging onto so tenaciously is really only a “5GB or we get cranky” plan. That said, their current 5GB plan costs nearly twice what my “unlimited” plan does.

Still, I have no idea how Josh uses nearly 4GB of cell data a month. I use my phone almost constantly and I have never even reached 500mb in a month. I suspect there are secret gay data shenanigans afoot to which I am not privy.

UPDATE: Looks like Josh is not alone.

COMMENTERS: Once I needed a screencap of Superman II for photo reference on a comic that I couldn’t find online. The only person I knew with the movie was Josh, so I had him video chat with me while pointing his laptop at his TV as I took screenshots. Keep in mind this was 2007 or 2008, before we were all connected to the MotherGrid and had instant access to all information instantaneously. Have you ever constructed such a Rube Goldberg machine in a time of need?

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The Welcome Wagon

Joel — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:08:33 +0000

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NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

There’s got to be more to it than warp drive, right? What about Mr. Clean Magic Easers? How could you consider a species for eventual admission into the United Federation of Planets if they can’t even get tough, baked on spaghetti stains off their glass top ranges? I say it breaks down like this: You want to roll with the galactic big boys? You need ten things. 1) Warp drive 2) Equality 3) Mostly functional government with short campaign periods, minimal television coverage, and strict caps on campaign donations to minimize big business influence 4) Press’N Seal Wrap 5) Magic Erasers 6) Dyson vacuums 7) Segways (Not that anyone actually uses them. We just need to see that you CAN make them.) Multiroom DVR or GTFO 9) Peanut butter and jelly in the SAME jar (Same as with the Segway or a nuclear bomb. Just a proof of concept.) 10) … I don’t know. World peace or something.

COMMENTERS: What are the other necessities for initiating first contact with a new species? Should they have created, abandoned, re-created and re-abandon 3D movies? What are the hallmarks of true readiness to join the galactic society? Should they have developed a method for merging a Pizza Hut AND a Taco Bell?

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#truemetalfacts

Joel — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 23:54:59 +0000

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“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

I am sort of obsessed with the VH1 Classic show Metal Evolution. It chronicles the origins of metal from the earliest Celto-Scandinavian troll worshiping proto-Druids to today’s loud and angry angry-loud dudes, and ties it all together with lineage charts, moon phases, farmer’s almanacs, bundles of sage and armor piercing cod-pieces. As Eli says above, it IS a rich and storied history.

Last week’s episode regarding the proliferation of European “Power Metal” was particularly fascinating. Power Metal is a sub-genre that involves fast soloing with classical influences, powerful high vocals, and lyrical content about dragons, destiny, glory, battle, brothers and sisters rising, challenges, more destiny, a boat, more dragons, a bigger boat, ice, THE MOUNTAIN, overcoming, an enchanted lute, a regular lyre, a sorceress’s betrayal, the last unicorn, a dwarf, crystals, and valor. Another thing worth mentioning about Power Metal is nearly all of the songs sound like they COULD be glorifying white supremacy. They aren’t. But they sound like they COULD be. I strongly recommend Metal Evolution for all fans of music and the endless permutations of musical genres.

COMMENTERS: Please create more #truemetalfacts. If you post them on Twitter, use the hash tag.

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Fully Functional

Joel — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:29:31 +0000

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You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown

I’m not saying I fucked your washing machine. I’m just implying that in about 9 months there might be a litter of baby appliances running around your kitchen that look a lot like a cross between me and your Kenmore Elite Front Load.

I have been known to covet a gadget or two in my day. I’ve even continued those covetous feelings AFTER already owning a gadget. The experience could be described as “gadget lust,” but I have never considered actually having intercourse with my iPad. Ok, I have never actually taken practical steps toward fucking my iPad. I guess there’s a distinction that needs to be made between figuring out the mechanics of an act in your head and actually going to Home Depot to purchase materials.

Confirmed: Fleshlight Developing an iPad Case You Can Have Sex With

As panel 1 above suggests, I really think the fuckable iPad marks a significant moment in human history. We’ll likely start measuring recorded history in B.C., A.D. and A.F.i. (After Fuckable iPad). The only question is whether we will say “I can’t imagine how terrible life must have been pre-A.F.i.” or “Remember pre-A.F.i. when roving gangs of cyber-wolves didn’t patrol the streets of the burned cities in their decapitanks? Remember clean water? Remember the sun? Remember OH SHIT LOOK OUT IT’S CHIEF CYBER-WOLF, VICEROY STEELPAW!”

Maybe it won’t be all that severe. Maybe fuckable iPads will just be the next “checking email while jogging” or “texting while driving” or “breaking while entering.” Regardless, I am going to start investing in companies that sell close up videos of the tops of peoples’ heads bobbing up and down. Mark my word. It’s going to be the next Hula Hoop. You know? For kids.

COMMENTERS: Fuckable iPads: What a person does in their own home without harming or victimizing anyone else is their own business, or ruination of the species? Is it harmless fun or a slippery slope to shoving laptops up our asses? That slope would have to be PRETTY slippery.

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The Fringe Candidates

Joel — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:30:39 +0000

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You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown

Your foreign policy record is questionable at best, and you have yet to form a coherent theory as to where Nina Sharp’s true allegiance lies. What makes you think you can lead this country?

Sorry, non-Fringe fans. Not because you don’t get this comic, but because you aren’t enjoying the best show on TV. This will likely be Fringe’s final season (a year sooner than J.J. Abrams would like), due to it being too fantastic to be profitable. This seems to be the fate of all original, thought-provoking, well acted (extremely well acted in the case of John “Please let me curl up in your grandpa cheeks” Noble), well produced sci-fi on television. Any show that refuses to dumb down it’s intensely complicated, yet expertly executed premise in order to reach a wider audience just isn’t commercially viable on TV.

I think Fringe is the type of show you have to already be a sci-fi fan to enjoy. It asks a lot of the audience, but the average sci-fi fan is already used to accepting things like alternate dimensions, shapeshifters, techno-organic hybrid beings, and Leonard Nimoy. Each of those is probably a stumbling block for the average Joe “Is Real Housewives new tonight?” Television Viewer. J.J. Abrams has said that this season’s finale can act as a series finale if the worst happens, but that certainly won’t be ideal for the fans or the creators. I want, just for once, to know what the actual planned ending of a high concept sci-fi show was supposed to be. LOST and BSG don’t count since not even the writers themselves knew how those shows were supposed to end.

I used to think the place for shows like Fringe, Firefly, Stargate SG:U, etc was on the Internet, free of the trappings of network expectations, ratings and advertising. I wanted them to be directly accessible to the people they were made for, instead of slotted between Kitchen Yelling and Crime Cops: Topeka on Friday night. But those kinds of shows require MILLIONS of dollars per episode to maintain their level of quality. And I don’t mean 1 or 2 million. It’s more like 6 to 10. These are absurd numbers and certainly not Internet-type numbers. The worst thing about trying to independently produce and distribute sci-fi is the “sci” part and the “fi” part. The medium REQUIRES that spaceships, robots, lizard people and all other manner of imaginary things that simply do not exist and cannot be filmed unless created out of foam latex, pixels and money. So how does the BBC do it? Is it because they are publicly funded? There’s no way Doctor Who costs as much as an episode of Fringe, but the quality is there. Is there a DiY work ethic to BBC shows that the US entertainment industry simply doesn’t abide? Or is there just a wider acceptance amont the average brit for science fiction, and thus sci-fi TV stands a greater chance of reaching a mass audience over there?

COMMENTERS: I’ve asked about 100 questions in the post above. Feel free to tackle any of them. Or just post more Fringe debate questions.

UPDATE 01/25/12: You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

CHICAGO and CALGARY Fancy Bastards: I am coming for you! I will be at C2E2 April 13-15 and Calgary Expo April 27-29 with Blind Ferret.

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A Good Day To Buy

Joel — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 20:23:03 +0000

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“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

Thanks to Lar, who inspired this comic via a twitter exchange a couple of weeks ago. Lar has some AMAZING prints for sale, including all 11 Doctors as totes adorbs bunnies.

There is a sort of reality distortion field for geeks that tends to envelop them and dampen their higher cognitive functions at events such as ren faires, comic-cons and… places where nerdy things are for sale. The example I always use is the one where you’re at a ren faire and you convince yourself that you REALLY NEEED an 11 foot tall driftwood wizard staff topped with a pewter dragon clutching a power crystal. I mean it’s only $200, and it’s basically one of a kind, and it would look SO BAD ASS propped up in the corner of your apartment between your alabaster Middle Earth chess set and your replica Xena shuriken/Gabrielle bowstaff. It seems like such a fantastic and fiscally responsible idea until you walk back to the parking lot and the reality distortion field fades.

I know some of you are able to get these items home and feel very good about your purchases, but for me they are just buyers remorse waiting to happen. I’ve never allowed myself to purchase something expensive that doesn’t actually do anything. I want to, believe me. I’ve just never had that kind of disposable income, or unclenched long enough to allow myself that kind of indulgence. I’ve had friends who own fantastic movie props, replica swords and lightsabers, hyper realistic costumes, etc but I’ve never been able to partake myself. I met a guy at Comicon San Diego last year that owns the largest private collection of BSG props (including most of the CIC) and I thought “GODS how awesome it must be to come home and be surrounded by that stuff… and FRAK ME that money could have payed so many bills!” I really think he’s the one that has the right idea. Him and the guy with the wizard staff and the lady with $3500 Serenity model with the blinking lights are the ones that know how to have fun.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever made such a purchase? Did you regret it or revel in it? What Bat’leth type item do you covet? I can’t go through those Harry Potter gift catalogs without having to convince myself that I don’t need Voldemort’s wand, a time turner and a golden snitch for my mantle.

A bunch of webcomic creators, including myself, donated items for the World Builders charity auction/lottery. They help families in 3rd world countries to be able to feed and clothe themselves through giving them goats, chickens, cows and such. Read more on Patrick Rothfus’s blog.

CHICAGO and CALGARY Fancy Bastards: I am coming for you! I will be at C2E2 April 13-15 and Calgary Expo April 27-29 with Blind Ferret.

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Occupy Cornfield

Joel — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:26:29 +0000

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Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt for you!

Alternate Titles (by me and Kris Wilson): “Remember Remember November December Cucumber,” “I Ain’t No 4CHANate Son,” “4CHAN Favors The Brave,” “MegaUpsplode,” “Remember Remember Dikembe Mutombo” and “Remember Remember Dismember Friendster.”

[Context for those who need it]

I, uhh… have nothing in particular to say about Anonymous attacking the Department Of Justice’s website in the wake of the MegaUpload shutdown. At least nothing that might rouse the ire of any group of frequently masked Internet vigilantes. Validating the fears of an already confused, defensive and trigger happy US Government was probably a good and reasonable idea as far as I can tell without committing to a strong opinion one way or another. I bet everything surrounding this situation is just going to get exponentially better forever (PLEASE DON’T WISH ME INTO THE CORNFIELD PLEASE DON’T WISH ME INTO THE CORNFIELD PLEASE DON’T WISH ME INTO THE CORNFIELD).

COMMENTERS: Hey, talk about what ever you like knowing that I neither endorse or refute any claims you may make, express or otherwise imply regarding the alleged actions of any online hacker organizations.

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Monkey Sea, Monkey Cruise

Joel — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:55:26 +0000

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The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this littler operation going.

The Jonathan Coulton Cruise, JoCo Cruise Crazy II, is only a month away! Do you see my pants? Do you see how excited they are! EXCITEDPANTS!

A few more things you should know about JoCo Cruise Crazy II:

The only form of currency accepted on the ship are “secrets whispered into a beard.”
If Paul F. Tompkins catches you without a mustache you must answer his riddle lest you be forced to wear the “Shame Fez” and fed to a shark.
All island dwelling children are to be treated as hostile and you should throw bits of glass and screws into their eyes before they can lunge for your pockets (which should be filled with a jellyfish just in case).
There is a 24 hour buffet so revoltingly opulent as to make Poseidon himself vomit with embarrassment.
Should you find yourself caressing an unwilling dolphin it is best to commit to the path you have chosen and power through.
And finally there’s a secret gaming room on board that can’t be found on any map. You can only enter if you have a real need of it, and it’s always equipped with the right dice for the seeker’s needs.

I’ve only been on 2 proper vacations in the last decade, and one of them was sort of terrible (thanks Mexico). Because of my poor vacation track record, I am particularly overwhelmed that not only am I getting to take my wife on a fabulously geeky cruise, but I am also going to be accompanied by a multitude of friends. From the world of Internet dick pictures, I will be joined by David “ShrimpPants” Willis and Rob “Internet Dick Pictures” ~~DikPicter~~ DenBleyker. From the adjacent world of geekery Internetted, w00tstocked, televised and otherwised, I will also be joined by my friends Paul, Storm, Stepto, The entire Wheaton Family, Dammit Liz, Marian, Atom & Kathleen, and quite literally a host of others. Plus John Hodgman will be there standing in judgement of us all, while John Flansburgh DJ’s the dancefloor and Paul F. Tompkins hosts karaoke! What was that thing I said about my pants? Oh yeah, excited.

I’m sure I will say this 1000 times between now and when I ask you do it again next year, but THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to all the Fancy Bastards that purchased prints to help me raise money for this trip. It most definitely would not have been possible if not for your unwavering support and intense generosity. I am going to swim with a fucking dolphin! Can you believe that shit?

COMMENTERS: Assuming you are aware of the cruise and who will be performing/ in attendance, please come up with the rest of the Secret JoCo Cruise Rules and Customs.

CONVENTION NEWS: I am working on finalizing my convention schedule for 2012 and there are 4-5 shows that are still up in the air as of today. Luckily I can announce that I will be making my first appearance at the Calgary Expo, April 26-29 with Blind Ferret.

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