I don't want this world to see me,Cuz i dont think they'd understand

New Space

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 16:05:05 GMT

hey ppl

kisscowgal.spaces.live.com my new space

I don't use this one anymore.

Get in touch

Hilary V. Wolf

Can't Tell Me Nothin'

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 01:20:31 GMT

I've discovered that Beijing is full of hypocrites and liars. Everyone is trying to be better than everyone financially and spiritually. Everyone portrays these perfect lives but behind closed doors they struggle. I know so many people who act like angels in the day and get crazy and party and act promsicuously at night. Well I guess it's not just a Beijing thing...it's a China thing. Everyone here has been taught you live your life this certain way and anything that isn't OUR way is the wrong way. Which I'm slowly starting to discover is not the case. I sincerely believe life is meant to be lived. Life is not meant to be spent cautiously never straying from side walks. Life is meant for big falls and high hopes. Learning everything we can about the world and the people in it. How do you find your true self if you never seek it and simply do what your told? I for one am not the type of girl who can live her life vicariously through someone else and learn life lessons. Everyday more and more I realize that life is not black and white...LIFE IS GRAY. I'm not suggesting for everyone to go do drugs, drink themselves in to oblivion or whore themselves out by any means. I'm a firm believer in moderation. Fun definately has it's limitations. I just want people to go explore life! Don't take your first offer! See what's out there. There is life beyond chapel walls and enrichment activities...and it's not terrible or evil. My only recommendation...only venture out as far as you can run back. Not everything is sweet and easy like what we've known our whole lives. Moderation is key. Do me a favor and ponder this lovely song by Tim Mcgraw....

1986 Harley
Blowing smoke and sucking oil
My daddy said, 'Buy it and you're crazy boy'
You can't tell me nothin'

It took two months to fix it up
And one day to lay her down
I got a little hitch in my get-along now
You can't tell me nothin'

Talk is cheap and free advice
Is worth the price you pay
I had to find out for myself the hard way
You can't tell me nothin'

Hometown homecoming sweetheart
Nobody thought I had a prayer
Her mama said, 'Boy, don't you come around here'
You can't tell me nothin'

They say be careful what you wish for
I want to be her man
Two babies and a trailer later here I am
You can't tell me nothin'

Talk is cheap and free advice
Is worth the price you pay
I had to find out for myself the hard way
You can't tell me nothin'

They say drinking will kill you
The same thing for rolling smokes
But that's two of the three things that I like most
You can't tell me nothin'

I know what the good book preaches
But I know how I am
I just hope somebody up there understands
You can't tell me nothin'

---Tim Mcgraw, "Can't tell me nothin"

What Hurts The Most

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:24:11 GMT

I Fell in Love So Fast, Wit Rob. He Was Everything to Me. And I Was Never Happier, i Finally was Happy In Life, I Had Someone Who Loved Me. Things Quicky Changed After That..He Deside He Wanted to Go Back with his family. And i Turned Into Just a Girl He Wasnt Supposed to Fall in Love with. I Went Thu Marjor Emotional Weeks Begging Him to Stay. About a Week Later He Left, I Found Out Y- I Was So Emotional- I was Pregant. After He Found Out. He Said He Wasnt Comming Back. And Wit Me Having No Place to Live and No Money and 18 Years old, Alone. I Couldnt Keep It. :( It Was Not an Easy thing 4 Me

Such A Mushy Story,I Wanna Call Jesus..

Once Upon A Time,A Man Asked A Girl "What Do You See In The Future"

I Saw You..Yes,I Saw You..

"Who are you to judge the life i live? I know im not perfect. And i dont live to be But before you start pointing fingers. Make sure your hands are clean." -Bob Marley-

On my way..

Mon, 28 May 2007 10:50:56 GMT

i am just a girl on a mission

i know that i'm not any better than you. (i don't think i'm anything special) i try to live life abundantly and not take any moment for granted all i want to do is love people (not just the romantic kind) i want to show this hurting world that there is Hope.

i want to be apart of something that is bigger than myself. I have a good guy I also miss a few people,Andy etc When i close my eyes,I see him On my way now, Super chick will come soon business chick is cool life is good I just wanna love people hmmmmm peace Hil <3

P.S my teacher's teacher is Rama-Dr. Frederick Lenz .He is amazing..he is dead but still amazing.He loves everyone : )thats what I am trying to do. http://www.ramatribute.com/

Bitter sweet,naked guys and a little thing called hypocrisy

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 05:59:06 GMT

Maybe Three weeks ago.I went to the bar for the first time. It was a lot of fun! I went with Francis and I met Jill there.I did drink a lot and I did cry a lot,I knew the reason,he knew the reason but only me cried.so"ITS THE TIME TO STOP"maybe two weeks ago I met Gail and we went to "Kai"A friend of a friend was performing,It proved to be an interesting night. I didnt talk much tho.when a Korean gave me his business card I knew i could ignore it or its not for me at all,but I did contact him later,he is a truly nice guy,a one girl man,i like him a lot.and just like most korean he is friendly and cute ^^ etc etc all this kind of things.When i left that party i went to someone's home,i did think he's differnt,he was different tho!but all he wanted was sex,he totally let me down,he's still a great guy just cant stay friends or not possible to be close friends,cuz all he wants from me is just sex,im not one of those dumb slut,so i dont play his games.feeling like i see many naked guys...well too many in beijing.but I am happy i have my girls now,gail jill hil !LOL

Locke is cute!I like him the way he is.he found a corner and gave me a hug.and he is a mature caring person,not sure if he had that time to listen to me whine but last sat he was there for me when nobody was...Its nice someone just hold me,I think of him...I miss Andy a lot,and I always think of him.I feel so peaceful now and everything he told me be4 is so true..I hope I can be a person just like him,I miss him a lot and there is nothing I can do,I still feel stupid i was so childish and selfish be4,and ...I lied.anyway I am not going to lie to anyone about anything anymore.Its just stupid.Maybe I'd never see him again,but I can feel him and he is not that far away..I know that.He kinda like a superman.

Ah, the last part of my blog title�?�I've been itching to write about this but now that I'm here, I don't feel like writing. Mostly because I know it will boil my blood. Oh what the hell. Truth of the matter is, we're all hypocrites. I don't know one person who hasn't been one at one time or another. Even the nicest people, the best people can be hypocrites. We can't seem to help it; it's part of human nature I suppose. But it really makes me angry when people continue to do the same things over and over again. One of the biggest problems I see is religion. Just because you go to church doesn't make you a good person. Just because you sit in a building reciting prayers doesn't mean that God is going to turn a blind eye to the things you do after you leave. For instance, you can't be a "good Mormon" for awhile, then go out drinking and sexing it up and then go back again. Back and forth, back and forth. It doesn't work that way. If you so wholeheartedly believe in God and his judgments, then what makes you think that he's going to "love" you when you take month long breaks from following the "rules?" I have no problem with being Mormon or being non-Mormon. or people in beijing who go to church.Just choose one and stick with it, okay? Grr�?�

Ruben is busy coming to china.gosh Fuck me!I feel so messy,I met others,they were amazing,and i was shocked.Ruben,he is so full of shit but a nice guy,but it seems he is not the one in my heart now,well he got a piece of my heart and I did fight for him two years ago,i did enough..If i will die tomorrow ,maybe the only thing make me feel greatful is he loves me that much.I feel so touch that I mean THAT MUCH to him.others...they dont.I have a big heart,I like more than one person,but I try to control myself,I know that if I come to them,they wont say no,but I know the end result is I will hurt many people,including myself,especially myself..I know two they are better than Ruben,but they cant or dont wanna be with me,or they dont wanna JUST be with me.so I dont .

Last week I was with Simon,he's german so I kinda felt he was my bro.We talked for a long time and I was amazed,well he is only 22,but he is not a normal person,cuz once i meet a soso guy,he will follow me and i control him,but Simon,he makes me feel kinda scared,He is mature and he is smarter than his age,me..only a little girl who needs to grow up

I used his bank card to get money,I knew what he felt,but he didnt judge.I dig it!But part of me felt bad,cuz I didnt wanna let him down,I was not a bitch,I was too emotional couldnt act like that,my heart couldnt allow me to be bad,and if i was a sugargirl,well thats not my price to pay,thats not...I dont wanna lose him,he is a great person,but he's kinda far away from me now,I know that,I can feel it..and I really hate it!

"The Way I Live",well I am far close to strong and independent.Im 18 and gotta study,china is a wrong place to work just like my girls in Utah,I can get some small jobs but school is so damn far away from downtown,anyway its almost not possible to be independent.I wanna do something sure I will,but I need to setoff,I need to prepare,and I cant get everything myself,i need ppl ,I need those things!I am working on a laptop now and I think I will get one,its helpful,and I will or me and Jill will meet Gao Qiao this weekend,he's a make up artist and photographer.I need pics and gotta send it to Brian.Next month I will meet my friend Brian Durham ,a director,I will do some translate and acting!I am not about to be famous etc I am just happy that I can do acting in China.then In April I also will teach my students from Australia embassy.I hope Ruben will get that job and come to china,but I dont think I do need him now.Jason and Martin,one is in somewhere in Korea,another is back home I guess cuz his mobile doesnt work now.Two of my men I kinda worry about them but also hope the best of them,and for sure they will find a woman buy a house etc etc..

I am sick of it,I tried to change others,help people,Cupid,he is gonna be back now,he is so gay!thats all.and he told me he wanted to go to America,HOLY SHIT!no matter where he goes,he is still miserable and still a fucking loser!cuz I know that,he doesnt act manly and just know his princess-- A girl who doesnt wanna love him back at all. he asked me what to do,I told him Everything but he did shit on me.in the end he just doesnt want to listen. Just like Andy said"If people are fucked up, it`s because they choose to be. This world can`t be saved."So fuck him!Fuck it!I am so sick of it and sick of that gay man!

Andy and Francis..in a way they are the same,they are two men who can make me fall for them,and they are my idol I think,"Whatever you think,you will be""You become what you focus on. "They talk about the same thing,I am not sure if Andy is talking about "law of attraction"too,cuz i dont talk to him now,but they are so alike!people dont know that they are SUPER...GOD IS ALIVE,MAGIC IS AFOOT!

Its your life,your ride,your decide what gets written on it,no one else and don't blame anyone.

Everything that's happemed to you,you attract it all to yourself.Only you can change all that,yuo have your power of GOD.

IT changed my mind about lots of things...Thank you Andy,Thank you Francis man.this song FIX YOU make me think of lee..he told me i would fix you,then he destoryed me...well I love this song and it doesnt hurt that much now,and I will fix myself .I will and I can.

Now,I realize..Ruben,Andy,Aimme,Francis maybe Jason,Martin even Lee...they are just a step for me to grow.I dont need anyone,and I am still alone,But I am not lonely,cuz no matter where I go,part of them will forever go with me

I am a girl a mission..Still on my way..Im 18 now,gonna do something...

P.S my crap Love is fleeting,laughter dies

Heartes are broken,dreams are lies

Raindrops falling into tiny streams

that lead to nowhere

Rivers change their courses

But in time your heart will mend

P.P.S

You know

life is good,busy but good!

that's all.

hey guys i know lots of ppl will read it,cuz there is a small counter in my blog,leave me a comment tell me what you think okay?would like to know that and I hope it can make some difference,I want you guys to think,think about my words or your life,and all i want is make others feel something,thats it!k I am off..everyone have a good day!

Come In With The Rain...

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:25:48 GMT

I've been in such a weird state of mind lately. I'm not even sure how to describe it. I guess its like i'm living a half life. I see the world and everything that goes on in it but I don't feel like i'm a part of it at all. I'm on auto pilot just doing life rather than actually living it.

I've been so lonely lately. I'm constantly doing something or going out somewhere just so I won't have to be alone. Even sometimes when i'm with people i feel alone. The night is the worst when it's time to sleep I wish i lived in a big city that never sleeps like vegas or something. Just so that I don't feel like i'm the only one awake in my whole town.

I keep thinking of certain things in my life that are going on right now and things that I want to be doing in the near future and they don't add up. I can think of one particular something coming up in 7 months that i'm absolutely dreading. I remember when i used to couldn't wait for that day. Now i just keep trying to run away from it. Thats the crappy thing about time though no matter how hard you try to run away. It never stops and it ALWAYS catches up with you.

I would just like to also say that the Taking Back Sunday cd Where You Want To Be (the one right before there latest cd) is amazing. so i listen to it all the time and if you haven't heard it............you should. i've had it for like 3 years and i'm still not sick of it.

So, we're talking forever
and you almost feel better
but, betters no excuse for tonight
you see, it's never bad enough
just to leave or you give up
but, its never good enough to feel right

Now I'm lying on the table
with everything you said
it will all catch up eventually
well, it caught up and honestly
the weight of my decisions
were impossible to hold

but they were never yours

--Taking Back Sunday

This song named Come In With The Rain,its my song...

My friend Taylor Swift is the singer

Talk to the wind,

Talk to the sky,

Talk to the man with the reasons why...

This song is for someone in my heart

For ever

oh happy day!

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 03:20:40 GMT

I told him a story about a "sad girl"and what he doesnt know is..that sad girl is me.I truly find a way now."Things become thoughts""Whatever you think,You Will Be"and you attract things you want!thats rule...I learnt a lot,I experienced a lot ,but to TRUST or not trust,thats my question...

Its ironic and terribly shitty to trust someone with your whole heart. to fall in love and give someone everything you have to give. Its hard to ignore something "easy"and you do part time jobs yourself and feel stressed pay everything yourself,change your life style..i guess its just a risk you take. Someone once told me "risk everything or gain nothing" so i decided to try it. despite everything...i perservered through it all. i've gained so much. i've learned so much. i've loved so much and been loved so much.i've worked so much and gosh its exhausted .I wanna go for the rich and nice ppl who like me and care for me,I wanna get money from others every month and buy whatever I want.but they are short of amazing and I wanna be independed.I know who I want,I know what I want,Its like in that Fray song that says"sometimes the hardest thing and the right one are the same" Yet I almost feel alone in everything. Like i'm fighting so hard for something...for someone... who doesn't think i'm worth the fight.

in my mere 18 years i've learned there are somethings in life you just have to do. You just get feelings like if i don't atleast try this right now i may regret it for the rest of my life. Thats how i feel about a lot of things right now. i just need some evidence...some small shred that i'm not the only one pulling for this.

i feel blamed for things not entirely my fault. there have been decisions made that have had no regard for me. i just wish the same respect. is it so wrong?

i love love. i hate love. love is beautiful. love is twisted. oh to hell with it. lets just drink the poison down and stab ourselves. it seemed to work for romeo and juliet.ha You attract things you want,I wont fight or push anymore but I gotta be the best girl I can be and I have a long way to go.

My dear friend Leslie changed my mind about something..she is the best!we walk down the same way together tho one is in Beijing,another one is in Utah.

"my dear hilary,
i just wanted to say thank you for the advice. i really needed to hear that. "

Its time to end something,its time to start again!Thx ele Im smiling...You are with me..

someone made it for me from my heart

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 02:33:51 GMT

Reciprocation

You one told me that you loved me
Then you walked away
I cried and searched for you
While my thoughts would run astray

Then you show up at my door
Two years to that night we had spoken
After years of endless suffering
I am truly broken

So yes I will tell you that I love you
While I look into your eyes
To subdue my rage and seething hate
I have made you this pretty guise

Now I am going to win your love
I will light your flame anew
And when I earn your love and trust
I swear I�??ll break the very core of you

Ruben made it for me and i dont think i can or i want to break the very core of you...i fought so hard...

WARN --------

NO COMMENTS WANTED,NO COMMENTS REQUIRED.

Im smiling

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 14:49:14 GMT

Ruben finally contact me and wants my number,he wanna call me and he will not in china tho.he has a gf but i am happy cuz he talks to me ,and i know him...I went through this time in my life where i was convinced that i could never love anyone ever again. That i was incapable from getting my heart broken. Until he came along...i don't even know how i let myself get this far. "you are stronger than you think"someone taught me that.

i don't think i can do this.

sometimes i miss ppl.i really do

I did learn a lot last year,a lot about people,life and myself..

I just realize i dont need a bf and i dont need to date someone to love him,i just push or bug..but now,i dont...and i dont wanna depend on anyone anymore,i feelt bad i be with ppl cuz i am desperate and it just hurt me more.i love make mistakes and learn from them,im not perfect and i dont want to!well,but i made TONS of mistakes..i miss people and they might forever left me.

I lost grandpa,i lost virginity,i lost my faith about something,i lost friends,i lost a nice friend named andy,i lost nice people cuz i had sex with them,and i just cant stay friends with them,it hurts...and i dont want sex,i feel nothing about sex,and it just hurt me cuz i know they will be with othres oneday or nobody loves me as a gf.

I'm beautifully broken and I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

I dont wanna go for anyone but the best!i mean it,i dont wanna date anyone now,i met two guys and i was shocked,ruben has a gf and i know he still love me but i wanna stay friends with him,i love him and i dont wanna lose him,no need to live with him and honestly i dont wanna be with him in a gf way.i am happy we talk again,i hope he can be a lifelong friend.i lost a nice friend andy,i am truly sad and i miss him lots and lots.if he loves me as a friend,he will not far away from me,i try to comfort myself,he is a great man,and he teaches me a lot.Jason,Martin...i just dont know how to face it,i have to let them go...cuz they need another woman to be with them.thats life.and i was silly..i love my family,tho sometimes they hurt me badly...but without my family ,i am nothing and nobody.

another thing i learnt is don't be fake .. don't be unreasonable with your goals. stay alive .. don't set yourselft up for failure.. and don't, never ever ever ever ever ever ever , never ever, never never ever never GIVE UP what you want MOST for what you want RIGHT NOW.did you die? or loose ability to speak? or accidently become invisible? or get kidnapped? abducted by aliens? sold on ebay? i give up.

i have a future to plan,and i really wanna be a better girl,i wanna be the best girl i can be!and i might do acting in china..im happy but its just a part time stuff or just for fun.i might go to USA two years later but i am not sure if i really want to.

My greatest ambition in life is to be a well balanced person who can make a positive contribution to all those around me. I am dedicated to live my life by high standards. I AM THE ORIGINAL GANGSTER.and i wanna do something for others,not just ppl aroud me,i want others to feel something...and i love watching ppl smiling,i feel happy and peaceful...thats what i really want.

I know new ppl,i love Jerry,he is my true friend and best friend.i just know him and he will always be there for me tho he is in America now..i love Chad,he does stick to his promise,he was there for me and he will always be there for me.I love Joe,Bill,Francis...they are just nice people,and we should start to hang out when i be back...and i will start to make money when i be back,i wanna get 5000RMB per month since i just have weekend plus a few hours ..but hey i think i can make it.ruben is back and im happy .

I wanna make a wish...i hope that andy and amiee will be back,well if they dont,i want the best for them,if they are happier cuz i wont bother them anymore,i will leave them alone tho,but i miss them...

Jason might come to china and he wanna date me,"if you dont date me i just will kick your ass"im happy but i dont wanna date,or i dont wanna go for anyone short of amazing.

I hope martin will ...just be fine.i love you martin but i dont know how to handle it,part of me hate you.i stay away from you,if we dont talk ,just remember i love you and i will still love you...thanks for everything and you let me know what hurt the most.

gonna be 18.i hate saying goodbye to 17 but i have to.

peace...

I am smiling ...

Well F^ck you too!

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 07:46:04 GMT

I'm angry today. I've had some things on my mind for awhile but I was doing a good job keeping them in check. I wasn't letting them get to me as much as they would have in the past. But it's a fuck you day. So here are a few people/things I'd like to say "fuck you" to. Not all of them are on myspace or read my blogs but it'll clear my head. Here's to everyone who thinks they've got me pegged.
1,Fuck you for still only calling me after 1:00 AM. It's not going to happen.Keep telling me you miss me so much and you dont know why and ask me STUPID questions...i hate stupid people,i hate hate hate hate hate hate and fuck you for you send SMS to my DADDY'S CELL!your stupid!

2,Fuck you Lee,You have a way of coming easily to me,And when you take ,You take the very best of me.So I start a fight cause I need to feel something,and you do what you want Cause I'm not what you wanted..

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing, honey
But I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died,DIED FOR YOU!

if you come around saying sorry to me,My daddy's going to show you how sorry you'll be

And if you're missing me,You better keep it to yourself.Cause coming back around here Would be bad for your health!!!!

Fuck you lee ,you sick case,i called you and you told me i could come and you wanted sex then bye...GO TO HELL ,I wanna beat your cold face and i've never been anywhere cold as you.but thanks you make me grow up a lot.damn you

3,Fuck you Martin,you told your bro i was only a friend,and you loved TING TING,fuck you!!!!that's what your looking for?you are a nice guy but you fucking hurt me!!you know i am not that kind of girl but you still be with me ,if you dont why should you,you said we had feelings but lol bullshit bullshit,i cared about you more and you just will hurt me hurt me,quit telling me babygirl,quit telling me you care for me and kiss you my dear,quit telling me im lovely or nice or pretty ,go to your mother,well go to your mother together with the fucking nice girl Ting Ting,i dont want that ANGEL to hurt me,fuck you all!i hate you i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate you guys!I fucking care for you and i have feelings for you i cry for you i miss you and you hurt me�?you dont want to tho

4,Jason...you take me to UCLA?well you still owe your school money,your smart and i am stupid,you are a friend but ...for what you did...FUCK YOU

5,Fuck the lies and bullshit. I'm tired of it all. I wish people could just be honest for once. Why is it so hard? If you don't want to tell me things on your own, fine. But if I ask you about something, don't look me in the eye and tell me a blatant lie. Do you think you'll hurt my feelings? Are you trying to protect yourself? Do what you will but the lies hurt the most.i lied to others too and i dont now

6,Fuck the chinese guy i met at longze,your such a stupid nerd,you made me feel like SHIT!

7,Fuck all the ppl who judge me,dont fucking judge me!!!!fuck it all,fuck the world,fuck everything you stand for...wow a song huh

8,Fuck all the men who wanna get into my pants,I dont wanna fuck you man,and fuck yourself if you do need sex.

9,Fucking fuck fuck fuck.

Cheerfully yours,
Hilary

Oh I do feel much better now.

P.S this song, "Better Together" by Jack Johnson, is one of my favorites... this is why- my friend leslie's sister's 2 year old nephew Kyle Allgood passed away Sept. 20 from kidney failure from what they think was the e coli from the spinach. you might have seen him on the news. well when she lived with her sister before she got married, kyle loved listening to jack especially this song, while dancing on her bed with one of her hats on, while eating whoppers. Love you Kyle, until we meet again... rest in heavenly peace... it will be "better when we're together" again.

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate...

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 22:36:31 GMT

I HATE PEOPLE.

YEP.

i HATE hate HATE hate HAAAAAAAATE PEOPLE SOMETIMES!especially stupid ppl who make me mad!

and right now is one of those times.

ICK. if only it'd go away

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 04:56:08 GMT

I can't find a way to let go,Even though you will be with others...

Sometimes I wake up crying at night,Sometimes I wake up in the morning I don't know why I feel empty...

This year has been weird. And here I am, coming up on 18...still young but I feel so old. Life is running at full speed and my brakes are wearing out. I'm trying to savor life and take it as it comes but it proves to be difficult when an entire year goes by before I can even blink.

I miss ppl,tho they wont miss me.maybe they do but not that much.

So if we don't talk or communicate just know that I love you and when you were a part of my lufe you were a blessing to me and still are...

P.S. I love the couple who danced to my song at their wedding.

As we grow up,

we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt.

Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

ramblings&rabbit hole

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 06:58:34 GMT

One of my favorite movies in the world is Little Black Book starring Brittany Murphy. It begins as a comedy but ends on a more serious moral of the story note. If any of you haven't seen it i recommend you go watch it. The movie makes a lot of valid points about love and life. My personal favorite quote of that movie is at the end which says:

"So how does a girl dive head first into a rabbit hole plummeting into chaos come out untouched? The answer is... She doesn't."

We all have our own rabbit holes. I've certainly had mine. I guess what i'm trying to say is every once in awhile we all fall head first plummeting into chaos. Sometimes its involuntary and other times it's our own actions that guide us there.

In the end it doesn't really matter if it was by choice or not. What really matters is that you actually LEARN from it. And hoping that you learn from it you take everything you can out of that experience to better not only you but better those around you.

I like to think i'm slowly coming out of my own rabbit hole. Well...atleast i've found which way was out. It's all a matter of getting out now.

Well I guess alot of people say i'm random. My mom calls it "free spirited."

Do you ever get that feeling that maybe you would/could change for somebody? Not because they'd want you to necessarily, but that you'd want to? You'd give up drinking, smoking, or saying, "Fuck this" and "Fuck that." Or maybe you'd start doing these things. Shit, I don't know. Maybe you'd become vegetarian, or join another cult (ahem religion), work more, work less or you'd start having sex. Do you ever feel like you'd want to compromise your beliefs or feelings because you want to be with a certain person or you want the other person to be happier?

Yeah, me neither......

P.S. I don't know why am I so weird I feel nothing about sex,holy cow...no kidding...
P.P.S. Sex hurt feelings...and I am not about to be with anyone !there are tons of disgusting perverts out there and I am only looking for someone decent,so if you are looking for something more I can tell you right now NOT A CHANCE.sorry that i sound so mean I am not like that at all LOL

You took the one thing that meant the most to me and hurt what meant most to me...FOR LEE

just look for a man that writes you poems,never wants to leave your side...Ruben?but your left my side in a sense...

Chris is in - Interslice �??�?? 2007-1-8 3:33:
u must make a promise to me - if NO one else that you will get better and better from now - please Hilary - hugs - thinking of you

It was nice that someone cared about me...Thanks Chris...You'd never read it,But Thank You Chris,You are so sweet and I hope

THE GREATEST ADVICE

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself,your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock
is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can
be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous
liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life
that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is
your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E
because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others,
but how much we give of ourselves.

Read it,its good,cuz hilary said it was good!

Thinking about something...

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 05:48:44 GMT

I miss people...Hope you can keep laughing in utah...love ya Sammi!

I like simple people.and I try to keep things simple...

Taylor Swift rocks!a good friend also a good singer...I like her songs so much!miss ya girl...

Hope we can meet soon...

I kinda miss make up artist...lol

girls...last summer...lee...gone=bye=over=done=finish=I miss it

nice people make me smile...mei hui rocks!mei hui loves coffee and I love mei hui...

I have learned so much from my experiences with you. If I could punch someone in the face, it'd be you. You ruined something that was very important to me at one point in my life. I will never forgive you for what you did.but You meant a lot to me. You still do... I like Coldplay. I think that song is beautiful. It makes me cry sometimes. Should I have admitted that to everyone? Sure why not? I'm only human. Just don't forget that...It makes me think of you...when you think those songs,hope you think of me...

Ruben is amazing...oh fuck!so damn amazing!!!I love you for who you are!and I hope that we wont hurt each other if we wont end up with each other...I still don't think I will love you as a bf,I mean kiss you in a bf way but you are amazing and I love you more than others...there are guys around me,they are nice but just JUST SHORT OF AMAZING!thats why I am alone.well,another one is amazing too,but he wont stay away from his friends it hurts ...anyway I don't waste my time about it.

Dee's Mom and Dad 1954

Dee's Mom and Dad 2004

There is Hope

I can't save the word but i can try...but the one who can save you is YOURSELF!

Stop the bleeding...

Nobody said it was easy...

I am always here...

I know that all you want is love...

Music is my thing <3

Forever baby...I see the impossible.nothing will last forever but you are in my heart...

You rock my world man!

Yup!yep!

I often play hooky recently...

Is it possible?If you read it,good for you!

emo!emo!stop the bleeding,that is what I am trying to do...

It is for you babe!I heart space cowboy!

holding hands will fall...

Thats the rule. Iloveyouorgoodbye@yahoo.com

I kinda luv u...

Super chick hilary heart supeman and super DOG!Lol

GIRL LANGUAGE

WHEN i RUN AWAY FROM YOU - FOLLOW ME

WHEN i POUT MY LiPS - KiSS ME

WHEN i KiCK - HUG ME TiGHT

WHEN i CALL YOU CRAZY - iM CRAZY ABOUT YOU

WHEN i AM SiLENT - iM THiNKiNG OF HOW TO SAY i LOVE YOU

WHEN i iGNORE YOU - i WANT ALL YOUR ATTENTiON

WHEN i PULL AWAY - GRAB ME BY THE WAiST & TELL ME YOU`LL NEVER LET ME GO

WHEN YOU SEE ME AT MY WORST - TELL ME iM BEAUTiFUL

WHEN i SCREAM AT YOU - TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

WHEN YOU SEE ME WALKiNG - SNEAK UP BEHiND ME, AND KISS ME

iF i DON`T CALL YOU - iM WAiTiNG BY THE PHONE FOR YOUR CALL

WHEN iM SCARED - HOLD ME BY THE WAiST

WHEN i LOOK LiKE SOMETHiNG`S THE MATTER - KiSS ME & TELL ME EVERYTHiNG WiLL BE ALRiGHT

hey!utah guys,why we should run for president !

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 08:48:17 GMT

so i have this AMAZING idea and i think we should definately relay it to George W....

Since Sex is such an INCREDIBLE weapon....we should hire hookers and send them to iraq!

There might be a few ethical issues yea.. but isn't the war already A HUGE issue? Besides they're just going to die of aids anyway right?

Girly...

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 14:18:34 GMT

-------------""Girls--------------
-----------are like apples------
-------on trees. The best ones-----
-----are at the top of the tree.-----
---The boys dont want to reach---
--for the good ones because they--
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong w/ them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right boy to
---- come along, the one who's-
----------- brave enough to-----
---------------climb all---------
---------------the way--------
--------------to the top--------
-------------of the tree.---------

my thoughts on life

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 13:34:19 GMT

Growing up is weird. Love is weird. Life in general is just weird. What is growing up exactly? I mean do you ever REALLY grow up? When i picture myself grown up, i think of me the way i am, the way i act now, in an older less attractive version of my body. So in my opinion you don't grow up, or atleast i won't, i'll just grow old.

Another strange thing is love. It can be the best feeling in the world or leave you feeling empty and alone. It comes and goes at the most incovenient times. I think love does this on purpose, just to see how far we will go, to test our limits. Love will take you, lift you up and then let you fall, leaving you shattered on the ground left to put yourself back together. Sometimes it seems like there will never be a way to put all the pieces back together again, but i don't believe love will ever leave you that broken. Because in reality love never really leaves you, sometimes it's you that won't let love back in to your heart. Do you ever notice though, that whenever you put yourself back together the love is bigger, the love is better and more precious to you than ever before? Maybe love is like learning to ride a bike. It helps you get on and holds you up for the first little bit and then once you notice its you riding all by yourself and you get scared so you fall. You can choose to get back on the bike or not. And you can get on that bike and fall every time you realize no one is holding you up anymore, it's all you. Maybe love isn't about being held up at all, maybe its about holding yourself up. Because you can't truly ride a bike unless you realize there aren't always going to be training wheels, or someone with their hand on the seat keeping the bike steady. They've got to let go sometime. Maybe thats what love is like, it gets you up, holds you steady and lets you go so you can learn to love on your own.

Custom List: Custom List

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 05:49:18 GMT

<SCRIPT TYPE="text/javascript" SRC="http://www.brainyquote.com/link/quotebr.js"></SCRIPT>

Music List: xxMUSICxx

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 08:29:05 GMT

xxMUSICxx

Vanessa Carlton: A Thousand Miles
Kelly Clarkson: Because of you
The Verve: Bitter Sweet Symphony
Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californication
Evanescence: Call me when you are sober
Croove Coverage: Can't get over you
Taylor Swift: Come in with the rain
Simple Plan: Crazy
Faith Hill: Cry
Avril: Don't tell me
Avril: Fall to pieces
Fergie: Fergalicious
Coldplay: Fix you
Fergie: Glamorous
Natalie: Goin' Crazy
James Blurt: Goodbye my lover
Blue October: Hate me
Avril: How does it feel
The Fray: How To Save A Life
Michael Scofield: I am too sexy
Linkin Park: In the end
Faith Hill: It matters to me
Jimmy eat world: Kill
Avril: Kiss me
Avril: Knockin' on heaven's door
too many...: Last Christmas
Fergie: London Bridge
Nelly furtado: Maneater
Kelly Clarkson: Miss Independent
Black eyed peas: My hump
Linkin Park: Numb
Take that: Patience
Sum41: Pieces
Groove Coverage: Runaway
Avril: Slipped away
Snoop Dogg: Stuff
Lade&Bird: Suicide is painless
Slipknot: Surfacing
Taylor Swift: Teardrops on my guitar
Eric Clapton: Tears In heaven
Dido: Thank you
Panic!at the disco: The only difference
Coldplay: The scientist
Taylor Swift: Tim Mcgraw
Avril: Tomorrow
Red Hot Chili Peppers: Under the bridge
Green Day: Wake Me Up When September Ends
Simple Plan: Welcome to my life
Black eyed peas: Where is the love
Vanessa Carlton: White House
James Blurt: You are beautiful
Taylor Swift: You should've say no