That Geovany Soto has really slimmed down.

How is Geo Soto doing? Is he maintaining his slimmer physique? What’s the story on the backup catcher?
– Jim S., Ottumwa, Iowa

Can we take all the useless flab that Soto has lost and make a backup catcher? Like Koyie Hill?

CARRIE: At the Cubs Convention last month, Soto looked trim and fit (he was seen lifting his shirt to show off his abs to fans).

That’s…actually pretty creepy.

CARRIE: The tough part for Soto is staying in shape all season.

Such delicious sunflower seeds!

CARRIE: As for the backup spot, that will be something to watch this spring. The candidates include Welington Castillo, Steve Clevenger and non-roster invitees Jason Jaramillo, Blake Lalli and Michael Brenly.

The only reason to have hope that Michael Brenly makes the team is so we don’t have to hear constant Michael Brenly minor-league updates from Len and Bob.

CARRIE: Jaramillo is the only one with extended Major League experience (119 games over three seasons with the Pirates). Clevenger, a converted shortstop, and Brenly, son of Cubs TV broadcaster Bob Brenly, both need to play every day, so they will likely be in the Minor Leagues this season. Castillo has been slowed by injuries, but he has shown he can hit, batting .286 in 61 games last season at Triple-A Iowa with 15 homers. What he needs to develop is a good relationship with the pitchers.

He should take them out for dinner wherever Soto eats. Meaning EVERYWHERE.

CARRIE: As much as fans didn’t like Koyie Hill’s offense, or lack of, what was key was that the pitchers trusted him. Since 2007, the Cubs were 106-88 in games he started.

Which is a perfect stat, since the only variable on an MLB roster is who happens to be catching that day.

How strong do you think the Cubs’ pitching will be in 2012?

Can they lift up this breadbox, for example?

What will the rotation look like from one through five?
– James K., Bettendorf, Iowa

In uniform. Except for night games, I guess. Why that specific time?

CARRIE: I can’t give you the final five…

/plays “All Along the Watchtower”

CARRIE: …that’s what Spring Training is for — and you probably know that Matt Garza, Ryan Dempster, Travis Wood, Paul Maholm, Chris Volstad and Randy Wells are in the mix. What’s encouraging about that group is that Garza, Dempster, Maholm and Volstad made at least 25 starts last season. Wells made 23, and Wood had 18 in his second big league season.

THE CHICAGO CUBS 2012 ROTATION: WE SHOW UP.

CARRIE: Jeff Samardzija and Andy Sonnanstine both will be stretched out in Cactus League games, too. They’ll also look at Casey Coleman, Trey McNutt and Jay Jackson.

THE CHICAGO CUBS 2012 ROTATION: WE’VE GOT OPTIONS.

CARRIE: As for how strong, let’s just say they’re not the Phillies.

THE CHICAGO CUBS 2012 ROTATION: WE’RE NOT OTHER TEAMS.

CARRIE: Pitchers and catchers report Feb. 18, and that’s when the fun begins.

Thank God.

I’ve heard rumors the Cubs will have to send Brett Jackson to the Red Sox in return for Theo Epstein. I really don’t like this idea. Is there any chance of this actually happening?
– Alex G., Newburgh, Ind.

That would be significantly more than what the Cubs gave up for Andy MacPhail. However, Theo Epstein is significantly better than Any MacPhail.

CARRIE: There has been speculation that the Cubs will have to give up a “significant” player, and Jackson would definitely qualify. However, there’s no update.

The Cubs feel the precedent was set when they sent a Class A pitcher to the Twins as compensation for Andy MacPhail in 1994. It’s up to MLB Commissioner Bud Selig to resolve.

“Compensation talks have ended in a tie.”
-Bud Selig

CARRIE: Last week at a fundraiser in Boston, Epstein said he felt the matter would be settled soon.

And what exactly was he doing at a fundraiser in Boston? With LIPSTICK on his collar, no less???

I see the Cubs signed Adrian Cardenas off waivers. What are the chances we see him making the team at any point this year? I realize his defense isn’t the best, but…

“…neither is his offense! Win-win!”

…he does have a .304 batting average in six Minor League seasons.
– Kyle W., Thorp, Wis.

He’s no Blake DeWitt!

CARRIE: The Cubs are trying to find the right pieces for the bench, so Cardenas may have a chance there.

As opposed to, say, taking over the starting shortstop position.

CARRIE: He is primarily a second baseman but also has played third, shortstop and left field. Cardenas, 24, is a good contact hitter, and batted .314 last season at Triple-A Sacramento, with a .374 on-base percentage. He also hit .344 against lefties, and .323 with runners on, all good numbers.

And all explained to Carrie ad nauseum just moments ago by Ed Hartig.

CARRIE: The Cubs currently have Jeff Baker as the backup infielder. Blake DeWitt was designated for assignment to make room for Cardenas on the 40-man roster, but if DeWitt is not claimed by another team, he could be back in the Cubs’ camp this spring as a non-roster invitee.

In other words, we’ll see you in the spring, Blake!

Michael Barrett lives the American dream.

Anthony John Pierzynski grew up in Orlando and played high school baseball on a presumably-loaded team that included Johnny Damon. We had a pretty decent team when I played high school baseball, and it was still a huge deal when college scouts showed up at games. It was an even bigger deal if our guys went on to play at big schools. It was a massive deal if they got scouted by pros. And people went absolutely catatonic if those guys got signed to pro contracts. So I’m always amazed when two eventual Major League players play on the same high school team. I suspect Pierzynski was as insufferable as a 17-year-old as he is in life, but that’s beside the point.

After Pierzynski graduated high school, he had the option to play baseball at the University of Tennessee, where his mullet would not only be accepted, but openly celebrated. There would be parades of Mustangs as far as the eye can see, a terrible Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band, and a commissioned van mural in his mullet’s honor. Sadly for both the Cubs and for mullet junkies everywhere, Pierzynski chose instead to sign with the Minnesota Twins on June 9, 1994.

Pierzynski was that rare combination of catcher, lefty hitter, and unapologetic asshole that the Twins needed. Pierzynski hit enough for a catcher, and, early in his career, he wasn’t so awful at throwing out baserunners. So, the Twins made him a September call-up at the age of 22, and he made his MLB debut on September 9, 1998. Pierzynski replaced Twins starter Terry Steinbach behind the plate in the bottom of the 5th inning. Pierzynski grounded out in his first MLB at-bat in the 6th, but in the top of the 8th, Angels reliever Trevor Wilson began what SHOULD have been a popular trend, drilling Pierzynski with his second pitch.

Pierzynski had brief call-ups in 1999 and 2000 before finally lasting a full season on the Twins’ roster in 2001. On June 17 of that year, the first-place Twins came to Wrigley Field to take on Kerry Wood and the first-place Cubs. Pierzynski started at catcher and hit 7th in a lineup that included eventual Cubs Jacque Jones and Matt Lawton (and Corey Koskie, to an extent). Pierzynski was delightfully awful, popping out to shortstop and later getting drilled by Kerry Wood before being retired in his last two at-bats on strikeouts by Courtney Duncan and Kyle Farnsworth. The Cubs won 5-4, and it is my sincere hope that Kerry Wood was brought back this year solely to drill A.J. Pierzynski one final time.

In 2002, Pierzynski compiled a .300/.334/.439 line for the Twins and was named to the All-Star Team. He had an even better year in 2003, but he was still A.J. Pierzynski. Rather than soiling Golden Boy Joe Mauer by having him learn under Pierzynski, the Twins sent Pierzynski to the San Francisco Giants in an astonishingly lopsided trade. The Twins got back Boof Bonser, Francisco Liriano, and Joe Nathan. The best part of the deal for the Giants was that Pierzynski was only around for a year before they released him. He certainly made his impression felt during that time, particularly if you were the testicles of Giants’ trainer Stan Conte. Pierzynski denies the incident ever happened, but the Giants gave up an awful lot of talent for a guy they only kept around for a year, only to release him for nothing.

Since Ozzie Guillen had already castrated the training staff of the Chicago White Sox, they signed Pierzynski prior to the start of the 2005 season. That’s where Pierzynski has done most of his Cub-killing in the course of his 14-season career. In 181 plate appearances against the Cubs, the normally light-hitting catcher has compiled a .304/.376/.447 line with six home runs and 30 RBIs. During the forgettable 2006 season, Pierzynski went 9-19 against the Cubs with two homers, five RBIs, and an absurd .474./.565/.789 line.

The most notable moment of Pierzynski’s career for a Cubs fan is, of course, the events of May 20, 2006. In a moment that would epitomize the meatball nature of the Crosstown Series for years, Cubs catcher Michael Barrett punched A.J. Pierzynski in his stupid face. Barrett took offense to the way Pierzynski plowed him over and then slapped his hand onto home plate, which sent the poorly-washed crowd at U.S. Cellular Field into a frenzy. Pierzynski didn’t really deserve to be punched in the face, as it was a clean play. However, Pierzynski deserved to be punched in the face. Period. I could never muster up the ire for Michael Barrett that many Cubs fans had toward him after his altercation with Carlos Zambrano in 2007. That’s because Barrett lived out all of our fantasies by planting a clenched fist on A.J. Pierzynski’s asshole jaw.

Why You Should Hate Him: I don’t feel like this really needs an explanation, but it’s very clearly July 1, 2006. The Cubs had followed an agonizing ending to the 2004 season with an unwatchable 2005 season. They started the 2006 season right where they left off, only this time with Juan Pierre! If you were still watching by July 1, you might remember this infuriating little game. Greg Maddux started for the Cubs at Wrigley Field and pitched well enough, giving up four earned runs in six innings. He left a 5-4 Cubs lead to the bullpen. A bullpen that included the likes of Scott Eyre and Ryan Dempster. Pierzynski was already 2-3 off Maddux with a pair of singles, but things would get worse. Well, better for him. Worse for humanity. In the top of the 7th, Dusty Baker inexplicably failed to leave Maddux in the game to face Paul Konerko, opting instead to go to Scott Eyre. Eyre worked a full count to Konerko before giving up a game-tying solo home run. The Cubs got the lead back on a Jacque Jones solo shot in the bottom of the 7th, and they led 6-5 into the top of the 9th. Dempster came on to close out the game and got two quick outs. Then, Dempster gave up a slow grounder to Ross Gload for a base hit. Then, Dempster walked Jermaine Dye. Then, Dempster served up a three-run homer to A.J. Pierzynski. How any Cubs fan can ever enjoy watching Ryan Dempster pitch is absolutely beyond me. The Cubs went down meekly in the 9th inning against the human tarp that was Bobby Jenks, and the Sox won 8-6.

Did You Know? If Bob Barker needed money this badly, I would have loaned him some.

Also, the ONE TIME A.J.’s mullet would have fit in perfectly, and he didn’t wear it? Lame.

Image via Reddit.

But I care most about your tips, without which the Roundup would be as incomplete as a Muskbox without a parenthetical interruptor.

• I never thought it was true until now. No Cubs are allowed to have World Series rings.
• Gerardo Concepcion has an awesome name.
• The 12 worst stadium seats in sports history. (HT: Santo10) I once went to a game in Milwaukee, and I was seated next to a guy who was literally straddling the left-field foul pole. He was wearing jean shorts, if that’s relevant.
• Your 2011 list of must-read sci-fi.
• Block to the Future. (via TheDailyWhat)
• Other than it being The Beatles, I can’t think of a specific reason I find this so awesome. (HT: Smooth Jimmy Apollo)
  
• Douglas Adams will always be my favorite writer/comedian of modern time (holla, Mark Twain), and not just for Hitchhiker’s.
• Yes, even you dwellers of the darkest corners of the internet have rights.
  
  
• Tell him you slept with his wife! (HT: EnricoPallazzo) I seriously hate those pointless “How do you feel?” questions. “How do you feel after winning the Super Bowl?” “Shitty, of course!” Do a better job, reporters.
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: I sure hope you guys like insects! (HT: EnricoPallazzo)
• YOUR AWESOME OLD MOVIE CLIP OF THE WEEK: How can anyone honestly argue that George Lucas isn’t an absolute monster?
  

Hey, it's Carlos Lee's penis! (AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

One of the simplest ways to hit one’s way to Cub Killer status is to play well for a team that Cubs fans hate. Like the Astros. Or the Brewers. Or the White Sox. And play for exactly those teams, Carlos Lee did. El Burro, as my sources have confirmed he is sometimes called, was drafted out of his home country of Panama on February 8, 1994. At the time, Lee was “18″ “years” “old” with a wife, a mortgage, and three kids.

Lee didn’t take long to start hitting like a mule. By the time he was “21″ at high-A ball, he posted a .317/.357/.516 line with 17 home runs and 82 RBIs in 139 games. When he posted an .834 OPS the next season and then started off 1999 with a .928 OPS, four homers, and 20 RBIs in only 25 games, the Sox had seen enough.

So they traded him for Carl Everett.

No, wait. They called him up. Because Jeff Abbott was terrible. Lee made his MLB debut on May 7, 1999, when the Oakland Athletics came to town to take on pacifist Jerry Manuel’s Sox. Lee started in left field and, in his very first MLB at-bat against A’s starter Tom Candiotti, launched a solo home run. The Cubs immediately signed Tom Candiotti. The rest of Lee’s day was slightly less productive. He finished 1-4 with two GIDPs and an error, to boot. But, unfortunately for the Cubs, he had made The Show for good.

Lee’s debut against the Cubs came in interleague play that season. On June 11, 1999, the Sox rode ‘dat Red Line over by ‘dare from da Sout Side to da Nort Side to play da Cubbies at Wrigley Park in dat Windy City showdown. Lee started in left, which was as hilarious as watching Alfonso Soriano play left. Cubs starter Jon Lieber combined with Scott Sanders to hold Lee hitless in three at-bats, yet Lee still managed to collect his first RBI against the Cubs on a run-scoring groundout in the top of the third. The Sox won 5-3, because everything you remember about the 1999 season is JUST EXACTLY as terrible as you recall.

Lee’s defense aside, the guy could hit. He spent six seasons in Chicago and compiled a .288/.340/.488 line with 152 round-trippers and 552 RBIs. After the 2004 season, Lee was sent to the Milwaukee Brewers for Luis Vizcaino and alleged-World-Series-hero-in-the-World-Series-that-never-happened, Scott Podsednik. By the way, remember toward the end of the 2007 season when the Cubs claimed Podsednik? Holy shit, Jim Hendry. Holy shit. Because Kenny Williams has more luck than brains, Lee’s offensive line dipped during the 2005 season, and the White Sox cheated their way all the way through the goddamn World Series.

Just a quick reminder follows:

YOU’RE A CUBS FAN! HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

Lee rebounded in 2006 enough for the Brewers to make a trade deadline deal with the Texas Rangers. The Brewers sent Lee and Nelson Cruz south, and they got back Julian Cordero, Francisco Cordero, Kevin Mench’s elephant skull, and Laynce Nix. Holy shit, the Brewers suck at trades. Lee was great for his half year in Texas, but no one gives a shit, because it’s BASEBALL in TEXAS.

Speaking of which, the Rangers didn’t re-sign the portly slugger after they finished a distant third in the AL West. So the Astros swooped in and signed Lee to an absurd 6-year, $100M deal. “Absurd how?” you say? In the past two years, Lee has posted OPSes of .708 and .788, respectively. He has cashed $19M worth of paychecks both years. AND YOU WENT TO COLLEGE, IDIOT.

In the course of his 13-season career, Lee has compiled some good numbers. Some might say his numbers are better than Andre Dawson’s. And to those people, I say, “Die.” And I will not be addressing any of your arguments, because you are already dead to me. Andre Dawson is awesome, and Carlos Lee is filled with butter. Nevertheless, Lee currently stands at .286/.339/.491 in his career with 349 home runs and 1,286 RBIs.

This is the part where I tell you about his numbers against the Cubs. Do shots…NOW.

Lee has faced the Cubs in 139 games, more than against any other team in the league. And he’s made the most of it. He has compiled a .294/.349/.558 against the Northsiders in 598 plate appearances. Those numbers don’t look too far off his career line until you consider his numbers against the rest of the league.

Lee has hit 38 home runs against the Cubs alone. That’s more than he’s hit in the 216 interleague games he’s played. That’s literally double the number that he’s hit against any other team (the Indians and Royals are tied at 19). He has driven in 104 RBIs against the Cubs. That is 26 more than he’s collected against the second-place team (the Pirates). He’s drawn 47 walks, nearly 10 more than his 38 against the Cardinals. His .558 slugging percentage is behind only his .570 against the Giants and .561 against the Phillies. He has over ONE HUNDRED more total bases against the Cubs than he does against any other team in baseball. More obnoxiously, Lee loves doing his damage at Wrigley Field, where he has a career .299/.345/.592 line with 23 homers and 57 RBIs in only 73 games.

If I wasn’t so sure he’d shatter into a million pieces the second he pulled on a Cubs uniform, I’d almost think they should have tried to trade for him at some point.

Why You Should Hate Him: June 16, 2002. Don Baylor sent Kerry Wood to the mound to try to sweep away the White Sox in a three-game set at Wrigley Field. Wood was bad. Like, really bad. He lasted only four innings, giving up eight runs on…TWO HITS? Oh, I see. He walked six guys. Wood struck out Lee in the first, but then walked three straight to start the third with the Cubs up 4-2. A paragon of patience, Lee swung at the first pitch he saw. And hit it. Far. For a grand slam and a 6-4 Sox lead. Shockingly, Wood left the game in a 6-6 tie after walking the first two batters he saw in the fifth inning. Don Baylor went to Carlos Zambrano in the bullpen, and guess who came up again? Lee worked a full count off Zambrano before drilling his second home run of the game into the bleachers to give the Sox a 9-6 lead. Lee finished the day 3-4 with a walk and seven RBIs as the Cubs lost 10-7.

Did You Know? Carlos has a brother named Carlos, a daughter named Karla, a son named Karlos, and the dumbest family since George Foreman was allowed to breed.

I know who Dan Vogelbach is...

Where will Starlin Castro hit in the order? In the last Inbox, you suggested Castro hit third even though his best production has come from the No. 2 hole.

If I ever open a gay bar, I’m going to call it the Two Hole, and I’m going to have a big banner above the sign that says, “Come in!”

Last year, his production dropped off significantly when he was removed from the No. 1 or 2 spots. Please tell me I’m not the only one seeing this.
– Pete H., Gibson City, Ill.

Also, our dentists are putting RADIOS in our TEETH so the government can record our thoughts! How am I the only one seeing this?

Carrie: No, you’re not alone.

Insanity: validated.

Carrie: Usually, a team’s best hitter is third in the order, which is why I inserted Castro there. You’re right about a dropoff in the three-hole. Castro hit .327 (102-for-312) as the leadoff man, .335 (59-for-176) batting second, and .225 (40-for-178) in the No. 3 spot. Let’s see what manager Dale Sveum comes up with lineup-wise this spring.

Castro
Castro
Byrd
Castro
Castro
Castro
Castro
Castro
Garza

Who do you think will pitch on Opening Day?
– Aldo P., Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic

Probably John Lannan.

Carrie: It will likely come down to Ryan Dempster, who started the season opener last year, or Matt Garza.

One good thing is that if it’s Dempster, the Opening Day celebration will last about five hours!

Does Theo Epstein see Ian Stewart as the third baseman of the future?

Probably not, but Jed Hoyer thinks that- Ha ha ha! No.

I’ve been excited about Josh Vitters since we drafted him third overall in 2007 and would really like to see him as our everyday third baseman.
– Brian J., Chicago

I can’t wait to see him wearing the uniform that we all wear, too. It’s going to be a blast hanging out with him in the clubhouse, playing pranks on Sveum with him, and maybe even rooming together until he finds a place in our town.

Carrie: Vitters, who is coming off his best season in the Minors, will get a good look this spring, but heading into camp, Stewart is projected as the Cubs’ third baseman for 2012. That’s as far into the future as I can predict.

WHO WINS THE SUPER BOWL???

I saw that Dan Vogelbach moved into the top 10 among first-base prospects in baseball.

And to make room for him, the top 10 list is now a top 6 list.

Who is he?
– Adam C., Aurora, Ill.

He’s like if Chris Farley were really good at baseball. And alive.

Carrie: Vogelbach was selected by the Cubs in the second round (68th overall) in last June’s First-Year Player Draft out of Bishop Verot (Fla.) High School, and got a brief taste of pro ball when he played last summer in the Rookie League (7-for-24 in six games). A left-handed hitter, one scouting report called him “the most feared high-school hitter in the country. He hits balls hard as a matter of routine.”

Feared by cheeseburgers, am I right???

Carrie: If you do a Google search…

“…you’ll have no reason to ever read the Muskbox again.”

Carrie: …you find video of him slugging home runs.

/googles “fat guy hitting balls”
//laughs for hours

Carrie: He is quick, despite his large physique (think Prince Fielder). He’s got power, hitting a 500-foot homer during a home run derby in 2010.

When they say a first baseman is cat-like, they generally don’t say it because he weighs as much as a lion.

Does the team expect any changes to the Wrigley Field rules regarding field of play or home run calls as it relates to the renovations with the right-field bleachers?

“Any home runs to right count as outs.”
-Lefty-hating home run derby jerks from my childhood

For example, a fly ball bounces off the electronic scoreboard and onto the field, is the ball in play? Based on the image, it seems the basket would mark that boundary. What’s the official word?
– Dave H., Chicago

It’s not going to be a problem this year. They’ve been lying to us about Bryan LaHair for years.

Carrie: Cubs officials say the yellow line that rims the top of the outfield wall will not be changed in right field with the new configuration.

Good thing they’re in charge of the rules of Major League Baseball.

Carrie: That would mean that as long as a ball is hit over the yellow line, it’s a home run. If it bounces off the scoreboard and back onto the field, it’s not in play.

But please don’t let that stop the lunatics in the right field bleachers from interfering with balls hit their way!

Sometimes you impress me, Cubs fans.

• The Onion is so perfect sometimes.
• I never knew I had so much in common with Terrell Suggs. (HT: Pre)
• I thought the Cubs were done embarrassing themselves.
• The U.S. obviously has shit-tons of problems, but the next time you threaten to move somewhere better, check out the official website of North Korea. (HT: Michael) Their shop is run through CafePress, and everything in it is labeled “propaganda.” Can this site be real?
• A bird singing bluegrass? Now I’ve seen most things!
  
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: Bats!
• YOUR AWESOME OLD MOVIE CLIP OF THE WEEK: Star Wars Uncut is completed and actually pretty cool.

My time on this planet is near its end.

There is always a tiny italicized blurb at the beginning of the Muskbox which attempts to give you a good grasp of how awful the following words are going to be. I don’t normally fisk it, because a summary of stupidity doesn’t necessarily have to be stupid in and of itself, does it? READ ON.

BLURBBOX: The lineup, rotation, Matt Garza…

The lineup, which 20% of the time includes Matt Garza, the rotation, which includes Matt Garza, and Matt Garza will all be discussed. Also, my recipe for MATT GARZBONZOBEANS SOUP!

BLURBOX: …and backup catcher are among the topics in this week’s Cubs Inbox.

Not even Theo Epstein can curb Cub Fan Nation’s insatiable late-January desire for information regarding the backup catcher, the 25th man on the roster.

BLURBOX: Send your questions to CubsInbox@gmail.com, and please include your name and hometown.

Please register CubsInbox@cubs.com before I do, for fuck’s sake.

Who is the projected fourth batter in the lineup for 2012? I don’t see a clear cleanup-style hitter on the roster now.
– Don Y., Oklahoma City, Okla.

Yeah, unlike last year, when it was also abundantly clear that they didn’t have a clear cleanup-style hitter.

Carrie: Bryan LaHair could be that guy.

For the longest time, I thought optimistic comments like this were just written by the media because the Cubs were owned by a large portion of the Chicago media. After the Tribune sold the Cubs, I thought comments like this were written because Jim Hendry was passing along his own bad talent assessment opinions to the media as fact. Now, I just think everyone is retarded.

Carrie: He batted .342 with runners on base at Triple-A Iowa, hit .340 with runners on and two outs, and .351 with runners in scoring position.

Ronny Cedeno’s PCL numbers in 75 games in 2007:
.359 BA
.422 OBP
.537 SLG
10 HR
37 RBIs

Something strange is afoot in the PCL.

Carrie: Alfonso Soriano was asked at the Cubs Convention about possibly batting fourth.

He responded, “Oh, Christ, not THIS again.”

Carrie: “The most important thing for me is to win, stay healthy,” Soriano said. “Batting three, four, five, six, seven, it doesn’t matter with me, because you saw last year, I batted sixth, seventh and never complained –

That’s true. He never ONCE complained, and I thank him for it. He’s getting paid an awful lot of money to underproduce, and he probably shouldn’t complain, even if he gets benched. Good item.

Carrie: “[I was] not happy, but I never complained.”

“I never complained, until THIS EXACT MOMENT IN TIME when I just complained about it. You’re not going to print this, are you? Because it makes me sound pretty stupid and totally devoid of any sense of AMAZING irony I’m spitting at you RIGHT NOW.”

Carrie: “So, the most important thing for me is to be happy and try to win and try to help the team win.”

“In that order, because I’ve always been a team player. Why are you guys rolling your eyes?”

Carrie: Did Soriano plan on telling manager Dale Sveum where he wanted to hit?

“I want to joke with him [about it],” Soriano said. “We have all of Spring Training and six months to talk to him.”

I know Epstein is changing a lot of the culture, but you’re still going to want to have a lineup on Opening Day, right?

Carrie: In 2011, Soriano hit .238 with runners on, .285 with RISP, and .279 with RISP with two outs.

Man, he was pretty great those seven times last season when the Cubs had runners in scoring position!

Carrie: Ian Stewart does not have enough of a sample size (he totaled 122 at-bats with the Rockies in 2011, 54 with runners on). Last year, Geovany Soto’s numbers also were weak (.194 with runners on).

Since small sample size has never stopped Carrie in the past, I wanted to look to see just how bad Stewart’s numbers were to cause her not to post them. He hit .185 with men on, .100 with RISP, and .143 with 2 outs, RISP. We have a new Muskboxoza Line!

Carrie: At the convention, Sveum said he had some ideas about the lineup but wanted to see players first in Spring Training before revealing his order.

Translation: Sveum asked Epstein how many of these bums are still going to be around next month.

Carrie: Sveum did say David DeJesus will likely lead off, and they may look at Tony Campana in certain matchups.

Like if they’re playing against cancer.

Carrie: Here’s one lineup guess: DeJesus, Darwin Barney, Starlin Castro, LaHair, Marlon Byrd, Soriano, Soto and Stewart.

Here’s another unsolicited lineup guess not from their manager that I just- Wait a second.

/scrolls up for thirty seconds

Holy shit, the original question was, “Who is the projected fourth batter in the lineup for 2012?” and I’ve been typing for forty-five minutes. Dale Sveum will take less time figuring out the lineup than the Muskbox has.

What is the starting rotation for the Cubs in 2012?
– Jack K., Joliet, Ill.

Oh, Christ.
/puts on coffee

Carrie: That’s to be determined this spring, too. The candidates include Matt Garza, Ryan Dempster, Paul Maholm, Chris Volstad, Travis Wood, Randy Wells, Casey Coleman, Rodrigo Lopez, Andy Sonnanstine and maybe Trey McNutt.

All of them were touched at some meaningful point in their lives by Jacob Fox.

Carrie: Jeff Samardzija also will be stretched out this spring.

Him too.

I’m confused on what [Cubs president of baseball operations] Theo Epstein says and what actions he takes.

Finally! I’ve been waiting for the first stupid, anti-Theo, contrarian asshole to show up in the Muskbox. Welcome, asshole!

First, he says Garza is the type of player you want to build the pitching staff around but then you hear he is shopping Garza.

“First, he builds up the trade value of his most valuable trade piece, and then he attempts to trade him.”

Second, he says Kerry Wood is a great guy to have on the pitching staff with his commitment to the city and the team and then hesitates to re-sign him.

“Second, he says Kerry Wood is a great guy to have on the pitching staff, and then he adds him to the pitching staff.”

What do we believe and what is just lip service to the fans?
– Josh F., Groton, Mass.

Oh, fuck you, you bitter fucking Masshole.

Carrie: The rumors you’ve heard about Garza being traded are media driven.

Unless, of course, you read the Muskbox exclusively, which solely drives busloads of unanswered questions off the Cliff of Stupidity, perched five thousand feet above the Valley of Useless Information.

Carrie: My contacts with the Tigers say…

“I’m sorry, but I donated to my local library last year.”

Carrie: …their interest in the right-hander has been overblown.

So, they LIKE him, but they don’t LIKE him, like him. Who gives a shit? They’re interested. They’re discussing a trade. The media didn’t overblow anything.

Carrie: The Cubs aren’t “shopping” Garza, but they are listening to interested teams.

That’s a stupid, semantic difference.

Carrie: There’s a difference, even if just semantics.

Oh, Christ.
/cancels Thursday afternoon appointment

Carrie: Epstein’s plan for the Cubs is to take advantage of what assets they have (ex. Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner) to acquire prospects and improve the depth in the Minor League system. Epstein did say Garza is the type of pitcher to build around, which is why the Cubs won’t deal the right-hander for a low Class A infielder. The Cubs would only part with Garza if they are able to acquire a significant package of players (such as the Padres did for Mat Latos). The fact that Garza, who is eligible for arbitration, submitted a salary figure of $12.5 million (and will likely settle for $10 million) will probably make him less attractive to teams.

And that, Masshole, is how “trades” work.

Carrie: As for Wood’s deal, what you call “hesitation” was actually negotiations between Wood’s agents and the Cubs’ front office. Epstein did want Wood back, as he said, but both sides were trying to get the best deal.

And that, Masshole, is how “negotiations” work. Also, you’re significantly dumber than most Cubs fans for living right in the state with the other long-suffering team and missing out on celebrating TWO championships in the past decade. God, I hate Boston.

Who is the backup catcher? If productive, can he unseat Soto?
– Jason M., Sherwood, Ohio

Have you seen Soto? It’s going to take more than some weak-ass backup catcher to move him.

Carrie: Naming a backup is another item on Sveum’s long to-do list this spring.

Along with returning my texts, amiright, Carrie???

Carrie: Welington Castillo may be the leading candidate but the Cubs did sign Jason Jaramillo to a Minor League contract and Steve Clevenger will get a look. I don’t see any of them unseating Soto.

Of all of our bad catchers, Soto is the least-baddest.

Carrie: Jaramillo, who is no relation to Cubs hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo, has played in 119 Major League games over three seasons with the Pirates.

This sentence structure, which can be jam-packed with a lot of needless information right in the middle of it, is my favorite.

Carrie: The question regarding Castillo and Clevenger will be whether they and the team are better served with them getting at-bats in the Minor Leagues rather than starting once a week with the big league club. Castillo was slowed by injuries last year, and batted .286 in 61 games with Iowa. Clevenger, a converted infielder, batted .295 in 95 games at Double-A Tennessee and .407 in 25 games over two stints at Iowa. Clevenger has moved up quickly — keep an eye on him.

Oh, I WILL.

Where does Brett Jackson fit in 2012? With the “youth” movement in place, Byrd probably is on the way out. Jackson seems to be the heir apparent.
– Michael V., Princeton, Ill.

The smartest man who has ever written into the Muskbox is so named solely because he lives in Princeton, Illinois.

Carrie: Jackson is projected as the Cubs’ center fielder of the future, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him with the big league team this year, but not on Opening Day. Jackson, who hit .297 in 48 games at Iowa, most likely will open the year in the Minor Leagues. This is the last year of Byrd’s contract with the Cubs, and he’s motivated.

“Please trade me to a contender before August.”
-Marlon Byrd

Carrie: The Cubs have extra outfielders in Campana, Reed Johnson and Dave Sappelt, who can handle part-time duties. Jackson needs to play every day.

Stay here. He’s the other guy they got from the Reds in the Travis Wood deal. You’re going to want to be around for the most amazing question ever posed to the Muskbox.

Ready?

ARE YOU SURE?

Okay, then.

Are Epstein and [general manager] Jed Hoyer thinking about maybe moving Anthony Rizzo or LaHair to third base?
– Robert B., Wilmette, Ill.

And there it is. It’s perfect in every way. There’s a totally hilarious and insulting bracketed explanation for those people who care so little about Jed Hoyer that they have to be reminded that he’s the actual general manager. There’s the fact that a Cubs fan wants to move likely the Cubs’ number one prospect from his current position, which he plays very well, to a totally different position. Oh, and then there’s this (HT: Dolan):

He's a witch! Burn him!

Carrie: No, and they also are not considering moving Soriano to first, which has been suggested by some fans.

She spent 1,000 words explaining a lineup that Sveum basically says is totally up in the air, but can’t be bothered to point out how aggressively stupid this suggestion is. This question is so stupid, it has to read Wiki recaps of Jersey Shore. This question is so stupid, it complains about snow in Chicago in January. This question is so stupid, it already tried to cast its ballot for Newt Gingrich.

Thanks to this question, from this point forward, the Muskbox can be nothing but a hollow shell of itself. A ghost of the past glory that led up to this one question. A bittersweet remembrance of the time Robert B. from Wilmette, Illinois suggested that the Cubs play a left-handed third baseman. The autumn of my Muskbox years has begun. If I’m to enjoy it, I must look back with fondness, but not with longing, on this one, perfect moment.

I’ll give you a moment.

Who are the Cubs planning on giving up in compensation to the Red Sox for acquiring Theo? I keep hearing Cubs fans worry about Castro, McNutt or Jackson as possible candidates. I say no way, and think more along the lines of Josh Vitters, Jay Jackson or Chris Carpenter.
– Kevin B., Urbana, Ill.

If there’s a way for Bud Selig to absolutely shaft the Cubs on this one, I’m sure he’ll take it. But I doubt he’ll be able to. Honestly, even if he does, the whole point of bringing on Epstein was to make our one Brett Jackson into an unstoppable army of Brett Jacksons.

Carrie: The problem, most likely, is that the Red Sox want someone like Brett Jackson but the Cubs are looking at picking a player from the Class A ranks. The precedent was set in 1994 when the Cubs hired Andy MacPhail from the Twins and sent Class A pitcher Hector Trinidad to Minnesota as compensation. The decision is up to MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.

The Cubs paid way too much.

Will the renovation in right field at Wrigley Field create an obstructed view?

I hope so. For the freeloading, ripoff rooftop owners. That would bring joy to my bitter heart.

If they elevate that section of right field, won’t the individuals sitting in the right-center-field bleachers have an obstructed view of the well, as the stands will be raised 75 feet to accommodate the new scoreboard?
– Ross S., Des Moines, Iowa

I could see this being an issue if, say, KIM DeJesus were playing right.

Click to enlarge.

Carrie: Cubs officials say the center-field sight lines won’t be affected.

Assuming you’re looking at the girls and not the field.

Carrie: What will happen is the people in the right-field corner should have a better view of the center fielder, who was blocked at times because of the well and configuration of seats.

“How am I supposed to let Marlon Byrd know if he should move in or go back???”
-No One

Carrie: I’m still trying to get an answer about what will happen with the wheelchair seating, which was in right field and which Denise Z., of Chicago, asked about.

With this fan base, I’m shocked the whole park isn’t required to have wheelchair seating.

Valverde exhibiting the poise and quiet dignity of an MLB player.

Jose Valverde’s professional baseball career began when the Arizona Diamondbacks signed him on February 6, 1997 out of the Dominican Republic. Unlike a lot of young pitchers, Valverde wasn’t a failed starter converted to the bullpen. He was always ticketed for late-inning relief. Also, for acting like each of his strikeouts give blowjobs that cure cancer. Valverde was no great shakes in the minors, as he couldn’t consistently keep the bases empty.

Valverde did, however, keep a lot of those runners from scoring, so the Diamondbacks called him up in 2003, and he made his Major League debut on June 1. Cranky Cub broadcaster Bob Brenly brought his Diamondbacks into San Diego to take on the Padres. In the bottom of the 9th, the Diamondbacks had a 10-3 lead, so Brenly went to the 25-year-old Valverde. In a performance typical of his minor-league numbers, Valverde struck out three Padres, but also gave up two walks, a base hit, and a solo home run. But, hey, at least he got to dance like a complete asshole three times!

Valverde’s debut against the Cubs came later that season. On August 1, 2003, the Diamondbacks and Cubs matched each other blow-for-blow, each tallying a run in the 6th inning and two in the 11th before the Cubs finally broke through for a walkoff base hit from the newly-acquired Aramis Ramirez in the bottom of the 14th. Valverde did his job, though. He pitched a perfect bottom of the 8th, striking out Mark Grudzielanek and Sammy Sosa before getting Moises Alou to fly out weakly to short. DANCE, YOU FAT BASTARD.

Valverde pitched for five seasons with Arizona, compiling a 3.29 ERA and striking out 331 hitters. During the Diamondbacks’ 2007 NLCS run, Valverde saved 47 games, made the All-Star game, and somehow even showed up on NL Cy Young and MVP voting lists. Mostly because voters are idiots.

The Diamondbacks attempted to cash in on the fiery reliever’s success, trading him after the 2007 season to the Houston Astros in exchange for Chris Burke, Juan Gutierrez, and Chad Qualls. Valverde spent two years in Houston, saving 69 games and striking out 139 hitters against only 44 walks. He had a 2.93 ERA in Houston, and even managed a 10-5 record. He also set a record for the most elaborate, embarrassing celebration of saving a game for a fifth-place team. Because Jose Valverde is a total asshole on the mound, you see, and I really wish he had more than two Major League at-bats.

Since the Astros are the Astros, they didn’t re-sign Valverde after the 2009 season, so the Detroit Tigers swooped in an signed the bespectacled sideshow. Valverde has been even better in Detroit, saving 75 games and making two All-Star Games in the past two years and compiling a 2.59 ERA. If you’re into schadenfreude, you will at least be happy to know that Valverde has been terrible in has last three postseason appearances. Against the Colorado Rockies in 2007, and the New York Yankees and Texas Rangers in 2011, Valverde posted ERAs of 5.40, 6.00, and 8.31, respectively. Wait, that shouldn’t make you feel good at all. That means the only team against whom Valverde pitched well in the postseason was your Chicago Cubs.

LOUD, PROTRACTED SIGH.

Unlike some members of the T79, Valverde is undoubtedly a good player against the league. He has an impressive career 3.02 ERA and 1.170 WHIP to go along with 242 saves and 602 strikeouts against only 221 walks. However, Valverde’s numbers against the Cubs are embarrassing. Suppose, for example, you were a Cub who got a base hit off Valverde. That would put you in elite company. Valverde has allowed only SEVEN hits to the Cubs in 77 at-bats. That calculates out to a relatively unimpressive .091 batting average against. The Cubs haven’t fared much better without swinging the bats. They’ve drawn only ten walks in 88 plate appearances, for a .205 on-base percentage. That’s not quite as embarrassing as their slugging percentage off Valverde, though. That stands at .169. Of those seven base hits, only two of them were extra-bases (both solo home runs).

Impressed/depressed yet? No? Okay, I’ll continue. Valverde currently sports a microscopic 0.74 ERA and 0.699 WHIP versus the Cubs. In fact, in Valverde’s 24 1/3 innings of work against the Cubs, he has allowed only two runs on those solo home runs he surrendered. He’s even better (and almost impossibly more obnoxious) at Wrigley Field, where he has a 0.63 ERA, 0.698 WHIP, and twenty strikeouts in only 14 1/3 innings.

What I’m saying is that you might want to go ahead and avoid Wrigley Field during the Tigers’ mid-June trip this summer.

Why You Should Hate Him: OH HAI 2007 NLDS!

To be fair, I don’t know if that clip should make you hate Valverde or Diamondbacks “fans.” “Beat da Cubs” is the dumbest chant I’ve heard since I was in that cult.

Did You Know? I’m not just calling Valverde out for his mound antics. He’s legitimately an arrogant, immature asshole as evidenced by his childish comments after former batterymate Miguel Montero called into question his professionalism. Note that after Montero accepted Valverde’s invitation to confront him, Valverde didn’t even have the balls to challenge him. Seriously, fuck Jose Valverde.

No. No, there isn't.

If you’d like to leave a Roundup tip, or you’d like to sign up for my coming newsletter, click here! Incidentally, I do find it somewhat hilarious that my parents’ generation used activism to stand bravely against things like unjust war, while my generation uses it to protect my right to make Hitler penis jokes on the internet.

• I don’t care how much you wail about tradition. I kinda like the proposed right-field bleacher renovations. I didn’t sit there during a game, but I got to tour the Green Monster seats, and they were cool. Plus, the only good thing about U.S. Cellular is the Fan Deck. Plus, I think it’s hilarious when the freeloading rooftop owners get fucked over by the Cubs.
• MiLOLwaukee.
• Man, Kerry Wood really DOES hate the Sox. (HT: level5)
• How Steve Jobs was so adored and Bill Gates is so villainized is beyond me.
• Speaking of awesome people, Mel Brooks is one of those.
• And a letter from one of my favorite awesome people who used to be on this planet, Douglas Adams.
• You might want to steal a manchet out of the brewer’s basket before you read this list of Ben Franklin’s synonyms for drunk.
• I’ve always wondered when we stopped speaking with a “British accent.”
• Before you get your hopes up, they didn’t find a caveman riding a dinosaur.
• Why has there been so much Hallin’ Oates in the Roundup lately? Or why was there so LITTLE before???
• George Lucas is supposedly done ruining blockbuster movies. We’ll see how long his ego actually allows him to stay away.
• An elevator sim video game is just as exciting as you would expect it to be.

What the hell are you looking at?

Victor Diaz’s professional baseball career began when the Los Angeles Dodgers selected him in the 37th round of the 2000 amateur draft. Players selected that late in a draft don’t often make a big Major League impact, a fact to which the Cubs’ 37th-round selection, Donnie Bair, can attest. Of course, if fat, obnoxious, goombah idiot Tommy LaSorda were here, he would remind you that he BENT OVER BACKWARDS to make sure Mike Piazza, his godson’s kid, got drafted right after 1,389 other guys did, and HE was AWESOME.

Diaz was actually pretty successful in the minors, consistently posting OPSes north of .800 with good power. Because he was apparently known as “Baby Manny,” Diaz was the key player in a 2003 trade deadline deal that saw the Dodgers acquire Jeromy Burnitz.

Unfortunately for the 2004 Cubs, Diaz was a September callup the following season for his new team, making his MLB debut on September 11, 2004. For Cubs fans, it would be the worst tragedy to take place on September 11th since- Well, it SUCKED. Diaz started in right field for the Mets against Eric Milton and the Phillies. In his third big league at-bat, Diaz collected his first hit, a two-RBI double in the bottom of the 5th inning off Milton. Diaz finished the day 1-3 with a walk and a strikeout as the Phillies won a real pitchers’ duel, 11-9.

Diaz made his debut against the Cubs later that same month. If your heart is already hurting, it’s NOT indigestion. On September 24, 2004, the Cubs were in Shea Stadium riding a three-game winning streak and hoping to pound the 66-87 Mets. Diaz’s first at-bat against the Cubs resulted in a second-inning double off Cub starter Glendon Rusch. Diaz scored the only run the Mets would score that night when Jason Phillips subsequently doubled him home. Diaz struck out in his next three at-bats, and the Cubs tallied a tenth-inning run to give them a 2-1 win. With nine games left, a slight Wild Card lead, and 87 wins in the bank, a 90-plus win season and a postseason appearance was all but clinched! But I’ll get to that.

Diaz finished the 2004 season with a .294/.321/.529 line, and he was the Mets’ Opening Day right fielder in 2005. He appeared in 89 games for the 2005 Mets, hitting 12 home runs and driving in 38 RBIs. Unfortunately for Diaz, the Mets acquired fellow mispronounced T79er Xavier Nady after the 2005 season, so Diaz found himself back down in the minors.

After he saw action in only six games during the 2006 season, Diaz was traded to the Texas Rangers in exchange for Mike Nickeas. Diaz got only 108 plate appearances for the Rangers, but he still managed to hit nine home runs and drive in 25 RBIs. He finished the 2007 season with an impressive .538 slugging percentage, but he drew only one walk against 33 strikeouts. He hasn’t seen Major League action since. WHAT A SHAME.

Though Diaz’s career lasted less than a full season’s worth of games, the amount of emotional damage he caused Cubs fans is immeasurable. In 20 career at-bats against the Cubs, Diaz compiled a .400/.400/.800 slash line with two doubles, two home runs, and seven RBIs. He only started FIVE GAMES against the Cubs. I guess I can see why they called him Baby Manny.

I must be lucky. There was only one opportunity to see the legendary Cub Killer play at Wrigley Field, and I was there. On May 11, 2005, with the wounds of the 2004 season fresh in my memory, I mercilessly heckled Diaz from my seats down the right field line. It did nothing. Diaz went 2-4 with two RBIs and a double. I can assure you, however, that he heard an earful about his caught stealing and strikeout. And, hey, at least the Cubs still won, 4-3.

Why You Should Hate Him: Come on. September 25, 2004. In only his second career appearance against the Cubs, Diaz all but single-handedly ended their season. Mark Prior pitched brilliantly for the Cubs, giving up only four hits and not a single earned run in 7 2/3 innings. One of those four hits was a harmless 8th-inning single by defensive replacement Victor Diaz. FORESHADOWING. Though everyone blames LaTroy Hawkins for the events of that game, Ryan fucking Dempster was at least as culpable. After retiring Mike Piazza for the third out of the 8th inning, Dempster started the bottom of the 9th with a three-run lead. He struck out Todd Zeile, but then gave up back-to-back walks to Eric Valent and Jason Phillips. Somewhere, in front of a television, Lou Piniella screamed, “YOU’VE GOT A THREE-RUN LEAD! THROW FUCKING STRIKES!” Hawkins came on in relief. After retiring Jeff Keppinger for the second out, Hawkins served up a 2-2 cookie to Diaz. Diaz launched it into the stands to tie the game 3-3. To complete the asshole reliever trifecta, Kent Mercker took the mound in the bottom of the 11th. At least for a minute. Craig Brazell hit Mercker’s 1-2 pitch into the seats for a walkoff 4-3 win. The loss destroyed whatever fight the Cubs had left. The Cubs dropped another one-run game to the Mets the next day, during which Diaz and Brazell combined for four of the Mets’ eight hits. The Cubs went 2-5 down the stretch, and we all learned the true nature of hate.

Did You Know? Diaz went to Roberto Clemente High School right here in Chicago. According to Wikipedia, “Growing up, the Chicago Cubs were his favorite baseball team, and Sammy Sosa was his favorite player. It has been said that Dìaz always wanted to do everything in baseball the way Sosa would.” Like ruin the 2004 season? WISH: GRANTED.