Lock up your daughters.

Your tips are as appreciated as the fact that my #54 jersey won’t get devalued more than it already has.

• The Cubs are…not who you thought they were? (HT: Pre)
• Who says chivalry is dead?
• DAAAAAWWWWW. But I seriously don’t understand why a family would want to share a private moment like this with the 4,000 people at a Rays game. (HT: level5)
• Come for the Jay Leno. Stay for the Pete Rose.
• The Xbox One is a thing that will happen, and this seems about right.
• This explanation of why toothpaste makes orange juice taste bad is great.
  
• TWEET OF THE WEEK: Jim Essian + Jose Canseco = Mind Blown (HT: Jason)
• YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: In honor of its return, here are some of Arrested Development‘s best recurring gags.
  

I bet he’ll be at Hangover 3 on opening night, too.

Buck, in full “Fuck you, Joe Buck” fashion tweeted simply “Yep. Anchorman 2 comin soon”. He’s a broadcaster, not a journalist. “Yep. Just hanging out with my good buddy Paul Rudd. NBD. Doesn’t really look like either of us wants to be here, because maybe we DON’T. We’re two cool dudes who might hit the town in a little bit for some cocktails and some puss-AAAAAY. Thinking about maybe just jamming out in my basement later tonight. I write, Paul’s the face. It’s mostly about my mysterious dark side. Working on a little jam called ‘Gun Funnel’. Want to hear some of it?”

Nevertheless, the picture with Rudd is amazing. As you can see, Buck is wearing either hipster glasses or glasses he looted off his father’s corpse, a v-neck, half-tucked t-shirt, some sort of man-bracelet, a wide belt, and a smug fucking expression. And I swear to god, his forehead is getting bigger. But you’re in this for the memes, right? So, without further ado: HIPSTER JOE BUCK.

Please, please, please add yours to the comments below. Hipster Joe Buck can be found here.

We also frolicked.

Your tips are as appreciated as the warm caress of sunshine.

• Big Z is nearly back.
• Child prodigy. (HT: EnricoPallazzo)
• An interactive map of your Chi-caaa-go accent, among others.
• Jurassic Park sucks, apparently.
  
• Ground control to Chris Hadfield. (HT: Smooth Jimmy Apollo)
  
• Get your ass to Mars. (HT: EnricoPallazzo)
• YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: The Brothers Rapture is a dumb name, but a great short film.
  

Did you ever notice that guy’s face looks EXACTLY like a camera?

CARRIE: As we celebrate the anniversary of the last cycle by a Cubs batter (Mark Grace, May 9, 1993, vs. the Padres), it’s time for a Cubs Inbox.

DID YOU GUYS REMEMBER TO BRING SODA, STREAMERS, AND FAT CHICKS???

CARRIE: Have a question? Send it to: CubsInbox@gmail.com. Here goes.

How she still doesn’t have an official email address for this blows my mind.

Q: Who leads Major League Baseball in blown saves since 2008 — individual and by team — and where do the Cubs and Carlos Marmol rank? I know it’s not a friendly stat but I am curious. — Steve T., Phoenix, AZ

“Dear EdHartigStatLuvr69@gmail.com…”

A: Here you go:

Most blown saves: 2008-13

1. Heath Bell, Jonathan Broxton, Chad Qualls, 30 each
4. Kevin Gregg, 29
5. J.J. Putz, 27
6. Carlos Marmol, 26
7. Juan Carlos Oviedo, 24
8. Rafael Betancourt, Tyler Clippard and Jonathan Papelbon, 23 each
12. Jon Rauch and Fernando Rodney, 22 each

Most blown saves, teams 2008-2013
1. Brewers, 123 blown saves
2. Nationals, 121
3. Orioles, 119
4. Marlins, 117
5. Rockies and Mets, 113
7. Mariners, 112
8. Angels, 111
9. Cubs and Cardinals, 110

When I used to teach high school, I would assign the occasional paper. Some of my students figured out that if they threw a bunch of data at me and put it in a column, it took up a lot of space and would make a short paper seem significantly longer. I’m just throwing that anecdote out there. Anyhow, 123 blown saves in 5+ years seems like a shitload of blown saves. Ha ha ha, Brewers.

A: This season, the Diamondbacks have two pitchers who lead MLB in blown saves: J.J. Putz (4) and David Hernandez (3). The Cubs’ Shawn Camp and Carlos Marmol both have two blown saves. Here are the individual leaders since ’08:

2012: John Axford, Brewers, 9 blown saves (Marmol 3)
2011: Marmol, 10 (tied with Angels’ Jordan Walden, 10)
2010: Tyler Clippard, Nationals, 10 (Marmol 5)
2009: Brad Lidge, Phillies, 11 (Marmol 4)
2008: Manuel Corpas, Rockies, and Kevin Gregg, Marlins, 9 each (Marmol 2)

Good thing we have Marmol AND Gregg now!

A:
2012: Brewers, 29 blown saves (Cubs 21 blown saves)
2011: Nationals, 27 blown saves (Cubs 24)
2010: Orioles, 27 blown saves (Cubs 14)
2009: Mariners, 28 blown saves (Cubs 18)
2008: Mariners, 31 blown saves (Cubs 24)

D- Honestly, Carrie, did you think I wouldn’t notice that 3 of your 5 pages were just stats?

Q: Carlos Marmol had all spring to get it together. I say, release him, and bring up Chris Rusin. What say you? — Louis M., San Marcos, CA

I say you are a goddamn idiot. Release him? Honestly? Even if Marmol absolutely tanks, you can still probably get a bucket of balls and some salary relief if you trade him. Shit, even sending him down is a less-stupid option than releasing him. It’s not like Marmol should be punished. It’s not like he’s trying to pitch like ass this year. Cubs fans are vindictive idiots.

A: Marmol went through the same rough start last year. The difference this season is that Dale Sveum acted sooner. Since the May 4 game against the Reds, Marmol has made two appearances, given up two hits and walked one over 2 1/3 innings, and has not allowed a run. It seems he needs to hit rock bottom. Last season, Marmol was able to get back on track after the All-Star break, posting a 1.52 ERA in 30 games, and going 12-for-13 in save situations. Marmol has to realize he’s not unhittable.

Maybe if every single hitter in the league reminds him, he’ll figure it out.

A: “He thinks that guys are going to swing at every pitch out of his hand, and he tries to make every pitch a two-strike pitch and that’s part of the problem,” pitching coach Chris Bosio said of the right-hander. “He tries to bury the pitch and overthrow the pitch. He needs to back off. A lot of times, doing too much can be a deterrent. You’re not relaxed, you’re not getting the spin on the ball, you’re not working over the top of the ball, you’re working under the ball. Get him to relax and get him to where he was the second half of last year. That’s where we all want him to be and that’s where he wants to be.”

“That way, we can trade him and then he’s the Cardinals’ problem,” Bosio sneered, twisting Carlos Villanueva’s mustache with glee.

A: This is the last year of Marmol’s three-year contract, and he is being paid $9.8 million. It’s too early in the year to just dump him.

Carrie’s no heartbreaker!!!

A: He’s one of the seven pitchers in the Cubs’ bullpen, and Bosio and Sveum have to figure out a way for him to contribute.

“Carlos, can you please let Russell know we want him to start warming up?”

A: As for Rusin, I’d keep him at Triple-A Iowa and let him develop as a starter. He has a bright future.

I’d let him play with us in Triple-A Iowa…FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.

Q: I’m wondering why Scott Hairston is not being considered an every day outfielder after hitting 20 home runs last year? How many at-bats is he projected to get this year? — Anthon S., Seattle

Seriously? Because he’s Scott Hairston. He has a career 99 OPS+. It’s only 45 this year. He’s not good.

A: I can’t give you a number for how many at-bats Hairston will get this year…

Shocking.

A: …but do know he hasn’t done enough to warrant every day status. Hairston batted .172 (10-for-58) this spring, and he’s batting .132 (5-for-38) so far. Plus, he’s been used in a platoon against left-handed pitchers, and is 3-for-30 and all three hits have been home runs.

“He’s 3 for 30.”
“That’s bad.”
“But all three hits have been home runs.”
“That’s good!”
“But he’s Scott Hairston.”
“That’s bad.”

Q: After this year, what will happen to Fitch Park and HoHoKam Stadium in Mesa? Do the Cubs own either facility? Would any other Major League team be interested in coming in and rehabbing the facilities? — Don W., Simpsonville, SC

I didn’t even mean to learn anything about HoHoKam when I was in Mesa, yet it was totally unavoidable. I’m actually jealous that Don managed to avoid all of that.

A: The Athletics will be moving into HoHoKam and Fitch after signing a 20-year lease with the city.

That’s hilarious, because HoHoKam is amazingly shitty.

A: However, there won’t be spring games scheduled there for 2014. The A’s have plans to do some remodeling at HoHoKam, including widening the seats, installing a video scoreboard and updating the clubhouse.

So, basically burning the thing to the ground and starting all over again. Gotcha. Also, widening the seats? Are A’s fans even fatter than Cubs fans, or are there just that many fewer of them?

A: The Cubs have to remove all of their stuff from the two facilities at the end of this year.

This means when the A’s were negotiating their contract, they wrote in there that the Cubs had to box up their shit and get it out. Probably so they wouldn’t keep hanging around the park asking the A’s if they miss them.

Q: I just wanted to say, three years ago, I got a 4×4 Cubs alternate jersey logo tattooed over my heart.

Here are some things wrong with this:

1. He got a Cubs tattoo.
2. He got a Cubs tattoo over his heart.
3. His Cubs tattoo is of an entire jersey instead of just a logo.
4. The jersey is the alternate, terrible jersey.
5. He got the tattoo in 2010, when the Cubs were clearly directionless and terrible.

Aren’t tattoo artists not allowed to tattoo super-drunk people?

Q: I cannot wait to put “World Champions” over it when we win it all. — Chuck L., Janesville, WI

“We”? WHAT POSITION DO YOU PLAY???

A: I’m sure the Cubs appreciate the support…

The creepy, awkward, misguided support.

A: …but I think I would’ve gone with “Mom” instead.

Or just get a “Muskbox” tattoo on the inside of your lower lip, like I did. WE CAN BE TATTOO BUDDIES!!!

Yo mamma so into clotheslines… Am I doing it right?

Your tips are as appreciated as anti-cancer pills that give you a boner.

• With unemployment percentages still too high, Angel Hernandez remains indefensibly, inexcusably awful at his job. (HT: Pre) The good news is that he’s umping tonight’s Cubs game!
• Speaking of awful, send your thoughts and prayers to the family of this poor girl. That’s nearly too horrific to believe.
• You missed your chance to clone Jeff Samardzija. Though after tonight, WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO???
• Does it make me a huge nerd if I’ve heard of most of these “groundbreaking games you’ve probably never heard of“?
• If you’re naturally hot all the time, here’s why.
• There’s always money in the banana stand.
• The voice acting is horrible, but here’s a nice tribute to the recently-departed LucasArts.
  
• When Spock takes on Spock, we all win. Seriously, great commercial, Audi. (HT: Smooth Jimmy Apollo)
  
• May the Shamwow be with you.
  
• Bad Lip Reading wrote better dialogue for The Walking Dead than any of their writers did.
  
• YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: Riker is not good at sitting. (HT: Smooth Jimmy Apollo)
  

It’s as if millions of pairs of panties suddenly cried out in terror…

As for the Rogers Centre, here’s what I liked about it:

• The approach to the park is cool. It’s built right into the city, like some othre ballparks you might know. It’s right next door to the Sky Needle, which was my favorite needle so far that I’ve been in. Before you ask, I’ve been in one. Heights aren’t my thing. In fact, I balked at least three times in trying to lift my foot to take a step forward onto this stupid glass floor.
• The numbre of hotel rooms in centre field isn’t as large as it seems on TV. I always pictured the park as having this imposing centre field wall, but it felt more cozy than it looks on TV.
• Women of Toronto, well done.
• We sat in the lowre deck down the right field line (Sec. 113), though we probably should have saved our money, as we wandered around the park much of the time.
• In this week of Cardinal-Cub baseball, it’s important to remembre our past. And it’s precious to know that it’s still really fucking fun to root against Colby Rasmus.
• Baseball really is a great sport. I honestly didn’t expect to see the numbre of jerseys and dedicated fans that I did in Toronto, especially with the Maple Leafs playing that night. Good on ya, eh, Canada?
• It’s sort of reassuring that the Blue Jays are worse than the Cubs. The only guy on the rostre hitting anywhere near .300 is Jose Reyes, and I think the Jays had him declared legally dead.
• I had a great conversation with a hardcore Jays fan seated behind me. He was knowledgeable, passionate, and sounded just like a Cubs fan about his team’s shitty performance thus far.
• Oliver Perez is still around?
• The stats on the centre field wall. How do they get there, Canada? We couldn’t figure it out. I don’t think they’re video boards. But if they’re not, that’s one hell of a projector, and I want to play BioShock Infinite on it.
• The fans love them some Brett Lawrie, which is hilarious since he isn’t particularly good at baseball. Good to know “scrappy, terrible white guy” is as appreciated north of the bordre as south.
• You can get poutine.

Things I didn’t particularly like:

• You can get poutine. Much like the overrated garlic fries at AT&T Park, I just don’t get it. I’m sure poutine is delicious elsewhere, but it was just more ballpark food.
• R.A. Dickey had a bit of an off day. He threw 100 pitches, only 56 for strikes. To the point where the fans were very sarcastically cheering each strike he threw.
• Here’s a silly stereotype, but I expected Canadians to be more friendly. Our hotel concierge was a fucking dick. And some tall drink of watre young ushre gave us shit in the seventh inning about moving a section ovre to sit in the shade. He relented, because the seats were WORSE than our seats, but calm the fuck down, junior. It’s 8-0.
• What in hellfire is this that they were singing during the 7th inning stretch?
  
  That is legitimately the worst sports team song I’ve evre heard. Slightly worse than “Meet the Mets”, because the lyrics have to have been written by a 9-year-old. And for perspective I find “Here Come the Hawks” supre-fucking annoying, too.
• When the roof is open (as it was), the park is exactly as sun-drenched as it looks on TV. If you evre go there, bring sunglasses.

All in all, and despite an 8-1 Jays loss, I had a terrific time north of the bordre. Thanks, Canada. Now go play hockey.

And fuck Ryan Dempster.

Your tips are as appreciated as international roaming charges.

• I could watch this over and over and over again.
• Sweet catch, bro.
• What a desperate ploy to get people to go watch a bad baseball team. I’m positive it will work.
• This is an honest, not-meant-to-be-insulting-if-you-know-her question. Is the blond seriously a woman? Post-op tranny? (via BigLeagueStew) Also, I cannot stand Joe Mantegna, and this show must have been the worst goddamn thing ever.
  
• Letting Cubs fans share their stories online is an amazing idea. Get on it, guys.
• My Neifiball team is awful.
• Thank goodness this didn’t happen in Iowa. Idiots would be bleating for his return.
• This baseball GIF is cool mostly because Pujols is striking out.
• A Six Flags Ghostbusters video gamey ride was canceled. And yet some of you continue to believe in god. (HT: 1989cubs)
• Florida is an idiot state filled with idiots.
• It’s almost sweaty beer can season, which is a good bad thing?
• Street Fanner.
  
• FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Design Jargon Bullshit demonstrates how a website can add emotion to function, design to technology, and inspiration to performance.
• YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: Why is this not real? (WARNING: old Breaking Bad spoilers)
  

To a Cubs fan, this looks oddly familiar.

But has anyone actually been to the Rogers Centre? Any words of advice? Things to do before or after the game around the park? Things to do during the game other than have sex in centre field (NSFW)?

After Saturday, my stadium list will look like this:

Angel Stadium
AT&T Park
Busch Stadium (I know, I know)
Chase Field
Citi Field
Citizens Bank Park
Comerica Park
Coors Field
Dodger Stadium
Fenway Park
Great American Ball Park
Kauffman Stadium
Marlins Park
Miller Park
Minute Maid Park
Nationals Park
Oakland Coliseum
Oriole Park
PETCO Park*
PNC Park
Progressive Field
Rangers Ballpark in Arlington
Rogers Centre
Safeco Field
Target Field*
Tropicana Field
Turner Field
U.S. Cellular Field
Wrigley Field
Yankee Stadium*

*Whatever. I saw the old one.

This guy absolutely rules.

Your tips are as appreciated as some spring weather, damnit.

• Even Alfonso Soriano is bored with the 2013 Cubs.
• This is a Wrigley Field renovation I can get behind.
• It’s not as good as the Jose Canseco AMA, but some Q&A with Kyle Farnsworth will have to do.
• Vin Scully is a treasure.
• The Sandlot turned 20 years old this year, and it has secrets. (HT: Ned Ryerson)
• Dusty Baker still sucks. (HT: Jim)
• Yu Darvish is a wizard! (HT: level5)
• 8-bit GIFs of iconic movies are great if your computer isn’t acting like a little bitch this morning, damnit.
• Troll Mars rover is amazing. (HT: EnricoPallazzo)
• Man goes in boat. Boat goes in bottle. Shark’s in the bottle. Our shark.
• Brain like beer!
• The comeback of Futurama wasn’t as good as the old episodes, but it was still pretty great, and I’m sad to see it go (maybe).
• Um, no one really knows.
• Video game sprites over real backgrounds.
• You rock, New Zealand.
  
• I agree, science. Let those babies free!
• Here’s how to take a sad song and make it SO MUCH SADDER.
  
• The mantis shrimp is amazing. (HT: TEC)
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: Sun death! (HT: level5)
• FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Twitter in comic form.
• YOUR AWESOME CLIP OF THE WEEK: Some great sci-fi you can watch on your lunch break. Or, if that’s not your bag, how about a supercut of back-to-the-camera shots?
  

Expect you to actually answer any good questions? Fuck me, indeed.

It’s wonderful. As a Jose Canseco hater who considers himself a somewhat rational man, it made me inexplicably and uncontrollably angry. Why? Why do I care that Jose is a delusional asshole? He’ll likely be knifed to death in a bar fight within the next ten years and no one will mourn him, so what do I care?

Is it because I love the game of baseball that it tweaked me that he introduced the AMA with, “I am Jose Canseco, famed steroid user…”? Is it because my brain hasn’t earned me a thousandth of the cash that Canseco has earned that I’m annoyed that his podcast is named, “Canseco Knows Best”? Why should I give a shit? I shouldn’t. I KNOW I shouldn’t.

But, goddamn it. I spent all of my time in the AMA looking for stories about what an asshole Canseco was. I really wanted to revel in everyone else hating the fucking mongoloid as much as I do. Why? Who cares? It was fun. Here are my favorite highlights from the thread.

WHY AM AN ANGRY THAT HE DOESN’T HOLD HIMSELF ACCOUNTABLE AND DEFEND HIMSELF FROM ALL OF THESE STORIES THAT EXPOSE HIM FOR THE AWFUL HUMAN BEING HE IS???

Actually just created a Reddit account just to post in this. Been reading forever, never felt a need to post until now.
When i was 12 years old I live in San Ramon Ca in the house directly above your condo (Canyon Lakes Country Club). I lived with my Dad and we saw you on a regular basis. You regularly came home, probably drunk, at 1am in the morning honking your horn and revving your engine to let the entire neighborhood know that your self entitled pompous ass was home. I was out walking my dog one day and it barked at you (probably because she knew you were human scum) and you threatened to shoot ‘that godamn dog if it doesn’t shut up’. You said that to a 12 year old.
Suffice to say, your complaints were heard by someone and the police came and threatened to take the dog from me, a 12 year old boy whose parents had just gone through a terrible divorce and whose dog was literally his only friend in the world. My Dad had no choice but to find a new home for my best friend and gave her away to a good family without even warning me (he knew I would freak out, and did). I never saw her again. I still to this day have never forgiven my father for doing that, or you for causing it.
I only hope the one day you realize what a horrible human being you have been and how poorly you have treated those around you and live with that guilt until you die lonely and miserable.
Seriously.

Hi Jose, I met you briefly at the LARP Awards. I asked you to sign my sword. You said, “Fuck off, nerd.”
Uhh I guess I need a question. What was it like presenting an award at an event where you obviously hated everybody?

Jose Canseco AMA stats:
(as of 3:36pm EST)
49 answers given
2316 characters (including spaces)
9 commas used
11 periods used
0 letters capitalized
0 fucks given.

I was at an Angel’s vs. Athletic’s game in Anaheim, CA when I was 10 years old and during practice before the game I asked you to autograph a baseball. You then asked me, a 10 year old child, to pay you $20 for the autograph. Were you always this much of an asshole towards children and baseball fans?

Haha, dude. Back in ’93 I went to see him play in Arlington. He told me, “Fuck off, kid. Can’t you see I’m working out.”

As a lifelong fan of baseball, I can tell you that any question posed to Jose Canseco that starts with “Did you know” will be answered in the negative. He’s one of the dumbest players of all time, and there’s no shortage of competition.

When asked if girls laugh at his shriveled testicles, Jose replies, “yes but they make my 9 inch cock look like 12 inches,opticle illusion” If he wasn’t such a dumb fuck, “opticle” could have made for a pretty funny joke. But he’s SUCH a dumb fuck.

The absolute most amazing comment of the thread is as follows. Canseco, in reference to Jim Carrey, said, “hes a big fan of mine plus we had a threesome together” My favorite Redditor in the world (somehow appropriately named CuntfuckerMcGee replied simply with, “Who was the other guy?” That’s how you win the internet, everyone.

Canseco at times tries to show a little bit of the ole Canseco humor. When someone asks him how long a lifetime ban lasts, he replies, “well if your a fly one day.lol” RIMSHOT.

And then he gets even MORE hilarious with general CANSECO SILLINESS! “i like dog throw up very nutritiuos” Also, if you want to see if the rumors about steroids and testicles are true, you might want to save your money for one of Canseco’s upcoming paintings. “yes they r for sale i will be doing one of me naked soon”

In case you were wondering what it must have been like to work with Canseco during his guest spot on The Simpsons, it was clearly awful:

From the episode’s Wikipedia page: “All of the players were cooperative except for José Canseco, who was intimidating. He disliked his original part and insisted it be rewritten, and the writers grudgingly made him as heroic as possible. He was originally slated to wake up in bed with Edna Krabappel and miss the game, but Canseco’s then-wife, Esther Haddad, objected. He disliked his caricature, stating that “the animation looked nothing like [him],” but that he found the acting was very easy. When asked in 2007 about his part by the San Jose Mercury News, he responded, “that was 100 years ago,” hung up the phone and did not answer any of the paper’s subsequent calls for an interview about his guest spot”

And just when I thought I couldn’t hate Jose Canseco any more, he goes and says something like this.

And I hate him just that much more.