If you don't understand the Roundup title, this is you.

Your tips are as appreciated as twenty strikeouts in a game.

• Who ever said that umps are narcissistic assholes obsessed with making themselves part of the game?
• Of course I hate him. But, yeah, Albert Pujols really is awesome.
• Who said it? Jose Canseco or…Gertrude Stein?
• Sometimes hecklers are awesome. (HT: Timothy)
• Not as awesome? Mark DeRosa…HUGE PUSSY. (HT: betterorworse)
• If you find yourself in this article about gambling, it may be time to get help.
• Moon is quite terrific, and it’s free to watch right now on YouTube.
• It’s probably a terrible idea to tell you this, but you can now send people poop through the internet. (via Reddit)
• If you like your vaginas blood-red, you may not be alone.
• Speaking of vaginas, CAVE PORN! (SFW)
• These moonshiner shoes are brilliantly clever.
• TWEET OF THE WEEK: Ozzie can’t possibly be done tweeting, can he? Where are we going to go for wisdom like we found in his penultimate tweet, “nice roimd of golf whit the boys still bad but y have fun miss. thinking my hick”
• YOUR AWESOME OLD MOVIE NEWS OF THE WEEK: What are you asking about, butthead?

I want to be remembered as not remembering this movie.

The end.

No, I guess I’ll give you a full review. But first, I’ll leave it to Netflix to summarize the plot. Because summarizing plots seems like a total waste of time. Take it away, Netflix!

The tiny town of Norway, Iowa, loves baseball — particularly the games played by the local high school team, the Tigers. So when authorities decide the town is too small for its own school, the residents are devastated. Sean Astin stars as the rookie coach who must lead the Tigers to victory for one last season in this touching drama based on a true story. Powers Boothe, Rachael Leigh Cook, Michael Angarano, Larry Miller and Tom Arnold co-star.

Now, there are a lot of buzzwords in that summary which really should have tipped me off to the fact that this movie would be a cliche-filled pile of crap. Here are those buzzwords:

1. “tiny town”
2. “local high school team”
3. “too small for its own school”
4. “Sean Astin”
5. “rookie coach”
6. “touching drama”
7. “based on a true story”
8. “Tom Arnold co-star”

Shame on me, I guess. But shame on THEM for not mentioning that James Gammon (a/k/a Lou Brown from Major League) was also in this baseball movie. And shame on James Gammon (R.I.P.) for being in such a terrible baseball movie. And shame on everyone who has ever gone to IMDB for rating Major League only a 6.9 while the tedious (there, I said it) Field of Dreams is a 7.6.

But I digress. Anyhow, I thought Sean Astin was a teacher at first, but then later in the movie he’s in some sort of government building. So, I think he plays a fat superhero who fights crime by passing legislation. He also coaches volleyball. And eats a lot.

Anyhow, Astin really wants to be the assistant coach to legendary hatchet-faced coach Powers Boothe. Powers Boothe is good for one thing and one thing only. Playing ruthless villains in the Old West. He is not good at playing a baseball coach. He takes the “I’m so grizzled, and I love this town and these boys and the game of baseball and now I’m going to crouch down and pick up this particular blade of grass and look at it contemplatively” cliche to another level. But he takes Sean Astin under his wing for half a season and, apparently, teaches him everything he needs to know about the game of baseball in SMALL TOWN, USA.

But, OH NO! The Man decides that the school where the Tigers play isn’t worth keeping open when there’s a perfectly good school right around the corner. Rachael Leigh Cook works for The Man, and she sympathizes with the town at some absolutely hilarious town hall meetings in which Powers Boothe grumbles things at The Man like, “You don’t understand baseball and America and how to satisfy my frigid wife!”

The town signs a petition to keep the schools separate, but The Man points out that they failed to actually follow any sort of procedure for submitting the completed petition, because they’re stupid hicks. Powers Boothe grumbles more about the trickery of The Man, even though it should be pretty clear to anyone with half a brain that simply waving around a piece of paper at a town hall meeting really doesn’t do shit. It reminded me of the scene from The Office when Michael Scott stood up and shouted, “I declare…BANKRUPTCY!”

Anyhow, the Tigers are left with one FINAL SEASON (wink, wink) before their school merges with another school. The school board somehow forces Powers Boothe out of the position. Or he retires, or something. It doesn’t matter. And they give the job to Sean Astin, because they’re SETTING HIM UP FOR FAILURE, SEE?

But, oh, no, Sean Astin isn’t having any of that. Even though he loses a bunch of his “good” players (though you wouldn’t know, because they don’t bother developing any of the players’ characters, and they all basically look the same), and even though they don’t really respect him because he was a volleyball coach, and even though he’s not a very good coach, he leads them to their 20th state championship!

Oh, shit. SPOILERS!

Oh, and by the way, Lou Brown factors into this movie by being the grandfather of some stoner kid from Chicago who catches and apparently used to be able to hit. Might as well call him Geovany Soto. The kid is Tom Arnold’s kid, which would drive ANYONE to get high. Sean Astin doesn’t really do anything to straighten the kid out. Come to think of it, neither does Lou Brown. He just makes him work on the farm, or something, and then the kid decides to fly right. Shit, at least piss on his report card or SOMETHING, Lou.

Oh, and Rachael Leigh Cook bangs Sean Astin. Yep, this…

Call me.

One does not simply part Rachael Leigh Cook's meat curtains.

So, aside from the acting, the writing, the directing, and the editing, my biggest problem with this entire movie was this. The Tigers were the goddamn Yankees of Iowa baseball. They’d won NINETEEN of the past twenty-four state championships, or some ridiculous number like that. I’m supposed to give a shit that these kids win their twentieth? Great baseball movies need an underdog.

Observe:

• In Major League, an evil owner intentionally assembles a terrible Indians team to force them to relocate, but they come together and win despite her. Hell, they don’t even really win “the big one.”
• In The Natural and The Rookie, 100-year-old men finally find their way to baseball glory.
• In Field of Dreams, ZOMBIES RISE FROM THEIR GRAVES to play baseball in Kevin Costner’s back yard.

Underdog stories. Learn about them, director of The Final Season.

2 baseballs out of 5 baseballs

I'm also not lazy, Bob.

Hell, I might even try to get tickets and go to the game afterward, if anyone is interested.

If you’re not following us Twidiots, see below:

@hirejimessian
@pwsullivan
@brucemiles2112

Also, follow #AntiSocialMediaNight for the play-by-play.

Please tell me that's your LEFT hand.

With Ian Stewart off to a bad start…

In LIFE. I want to like you, Ian Stewart. I really, really do.

…could Rizzo be called up to play third base? They could leave Bryan LaHair at first against lefties and use Jeff Baker at third.
– Stanley B., Gulf Breeze, Fla.

Maybe this idea isn’t as stupid as I first assumed. Sure, Anthony Rizzo wears his glove on the wrong hand for third base, which might be a liability. But “they” could significantly lessen that liability by playing Jeff Baker there at the same time!

CARRIE: I wouldn’t bump Stewart now.

Please. You’d bump Stewart whenever he wanted to.

CARRIE: He’s 8-for-28 in his last nine games. Rizzo joked that he would catch or even pitch just to get to the big leagues, but his best, and only, position is first base. One reason he won’t be moved to third is that he throws left-handed.

The other reason is- Wait, that’s all of the reasons.

CARRIE: If anyone moves, it would be LaHair to one of the outfield corners.

Or to the Indians.

It was nice to see LaHair and Stewart go back to back with home runs on Monday. I feel it’s been a while since the Cubs had two power-hitting lefties. When was the last time two Cubs left-handed hitters went back to back?
– Henry F., Urbana, Ill.

SOMEONE UNLOCK HARTIG’S CAGE!

CARRIE: I don’t know if you’d call Mike Fontenot a power-hitting lefty…

Don’t you? Don’t you, REALLY?

CARRIE: …but the last time the Cubs had two left-handed hitters belt back-to-back homers was April 30, 2009, when Milton Bradley led off the fifth inning against the Marlins with a blast and Fontenot followed with a home run on the next pitch.

Two of my favorite Cubs ever!

On Monday against the Braves, the Cubs almost hit three consecutive home runs in a game. When is the last time they actually did hit back-to-back-to-back homers?
– Nick E., Champaign, Ill.

Man, they REALLY love back-to-back homers down in Champaign-Urbana. Also, agricultural engineering.

CARRIE: Derrek Lee, Sammy Sosa and Michael Barrett did so Sept. 15, 2004, against the Pirates.

FUN FACT: Those were the last three home runs the Cubs hit during the 2004 season. MOTHER FUCKERS.

Since the Cubs traded Marlon Byrd, it has opened a spot in the outfield.

I was wondering why all those routine base hits to center field were rolling all the way to the ivy.

Is it possible that David DeJesus could play center?

IS HE LEFT-HANDED?

This would allow LaHair to play right field and Rizzo could be called up to play first. Is this possible to get Rizzo in the lineup?
– Cole V., Long Island, N.Y.

Season SAVED!

CARRIE: DeJesus has played more games in center than anywhere else in his career, so, yes, he could move over.

And, as to the second part of your question…

CARRIE: …

Carrie?

CARRIE: …

Carrie???

I saw Jamie Moyer pitch in Wrigley Field in 1986, his rookie season.

I saw Mark Prior pitch in Wrigley Field in 2002, his rookie season. So, we’re both retarded.

I wondered if that could have been his debut, but then read somewhere that Steve Carlton was the opposing pitcher when Moyer debuted.

“Then, I forgot about the existence of baseball-reference.com, mlb.com, espn.com, si.com, fangraphs.com, foxsports.com, cbssports.com, sports.yahoo.com, and pretty much every sports website in existence which would have allowed me to easily determine the date and opponent of Jamie Moyer’s Major League debut.”

I’m certain Carlton did not oppose Moyer in the game I witnessed. Do you know if Moyer’s maiden game was on the road in Philadelphia?
– Joseph H., Lake Ariel, Pa.

It was so long ago, HOW COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY KNOW???

CARRIE: Moyer made his Major League debut on June 6, 1986…

…at the age of 38…

CARRIE: …at Wrigley Field against the Phillies and Carlton. Moyer gave up five runs (four earned) on eight hits and three walks over 6 1/3 innings, striking out two. I don’t have data on the speed of his pitches then. Carlton took the loss, giving up four runs on six hits over 3 2/3 innings. The Cubs won, 7-5, and Moyer got his first “W.”

It’s neat that Jamie Moyer is old, I guess, but am I alone in not giving a flying fuck about anything relating to Jamie Moyer?

Do we know who will be giving the Hall of Fame induction speech for Ron Santo?
– Bob B., Frankfort, Ill.

/sets DVR

CARRIE: Santo’s wife, Vicki, will do the honors on July 22 in Cooperstown, N.Y.

/cancels scheduled recording

Everyone is wondering when Rizzo and Jackson will get called up to the big leagues.

I’m actually too busy wondering when Tony Campana is going to get called down to Iowa.

One guy I’m excited about but haven’t heard much about is Trey McNutt. Any word on how close he is to getting the call?
– Devin P., Zion, Ill.

You might say waiting for Trey McNutt is driving him…CRAZY!

CARRIE: McNutt has been bothered by blisters and just came off the disabled list. Injuries set him back last season as well. This year, in six starts with Double-A Tennessee, he’s 0-3 with a 2.66 ERA, giving up six earned runs on 16 hits and 10 walks over 20 1/3 innings.

What this franchise wants–nay, NEEDS–are more injury-prone pitchers.

Where is Junior Lake?

It’s just off 41 in Wisconsin between Lake Winnebago and Rush Lake.

I couldn’t find him on any of the Minor League rosters.
– Steve S., Florissant, Mo.

Oh.

CARRIE: Lake is now with Tennessee. The infielder had some back problems, and didn’t open the season with the Smokies, but spent time in the Cubs’ extended spring camp in Mesa, Ariz. Through Wednesday, he was 3-for-12 in three games.

I’ve seen enough. GET HIM UP HERE.

How many bunts have been attempted this season by the 2012 Cubs Spring Training bunt tournament champion, DeJesus? I don’t think it’s been that many. Why hasn’t he laid down more?
– Mike C., Peoria, Ill.

The Muskbox wants DeJesus to move to center field and bunt more. Then why do they have Tony Campana? No, seriously, WHY DO THEY HAVE TONY CAMPANA?

CARRIE: Good question.

Good answer. No, wait.

Seriously, though, use your brain.

Your tips are as appreciated as some COMMON FUCKING SENSE would be, if it existed.

• Mark Grace was my favorite Cub when I was growing up. While he’s no great shakes as a broadcaster, I still love him like a fat girl loves…him, I guess.
• FanGraphs verifies what you already know. Starlin Castro is awesome.
• Bryan LaHair’s insane start is plenty sustainable enough. Isn’t it neat that FanGraphs has things to write about TWO Cubs players in a week?
• As a southpaw, I’ve been living this horrible existence my entire life.
• Here’s why you don’t swell up and explode in the shower. BECAUSE YOU DON’T TAKE SHOWERS. (via io9)
• Rest in peace, MCA. You helped create a big part of the soundtrack of my white, middle-class, suburban youth. That wasn’t meant to be sarcastic, but it sure seems like it was.
  
• Speaking of MCA… You gotta fight! For your right! To Etttttttttsaaaaaaay!
• This ball of earth water looks tiny, but it’s actually huge. What an amazing teaser that is.
• This ancient crocodile, on the other hand, looks huge, and it actually is huge.
• You’re amazing, sea.
• TWEET OF THE WEEK: You’re an idiot, Brett Hayes.
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: Oh, good. Spiders hunt in packs now. (via Reddit)
  
• BONUS NIGHTMARE FUEL: Feeling sad for the grasshopper in the video above? No worries. These bees will DRINK AWAY YOUR TEARS.
• YOUR AWESOME OLD CLIP OF THE WEEK: How about a Perfect Strangers flash game? (via Wired)

That pose looks really familiar.

I know everyone is aware that Bryan LaHair has been the best hitter in the city since the start of the 2012 season, but, holy shit, has anyone really looked at his stats? If Matt Kemp weren’t so determined to prove that he was screwed out of the 2011 NL MVP by the bug-eyed, herpes-riddled weirdo from the North, Bryan LaHair would be the best hitter on the planet right now. He’s already less disappointing than Carlos Pena, and he’s helping me ignore the fact that Carlos Zambrano is good again.

Let’s all take a moment to appreciate one of the (only?) fun stories about the 2012 Cubs. LaHair’s numbers are below, with his MLB (not National League) rankings in parenthesis:

H: 31 (30)
2B: 9 (10)
HR: 8 (8)
RBI: 17 (36)
BB: 15 (22)
AVG: .388 (3)
OBP: .479 (3)
SLG: .800 (2)
OPS: 1.279 (2)

And, regarding those counting stats, LaHair is not only putting up these ridiculous numbers on the Cubs, but he’s also done it in about 20 fewer at-bats than a lot of the guys ahead of him. If you project LaHair’s at-bats out to a 600-AB season, he’s on pace to hit 60 home runs and drive in 128 runs.

He won’t. And you’re still pretty stupid if you bought a “LAHAIR” shirsey. But it was no secret that I was down on LaHair. I didn’t expect him to hit 8 home runs all SEASON. If you’re watching the Cubs as infrequently as I have been, they’re actually more fun to watch than their record would make them appear.

See? I’m not always bitter and negative.

That's not a fist pump.

Your tips are as appreciated as the closing tandem of Rafael Dolis and James Russell. Holy crap, this year just got even more unwatchable.

• Batting stances like this are just stupid. He could turn his back to the pitcher entirely, but as long as he gets into a hitting position before the pitch is delivered, it’s just trying to make yourself look stupid.
• Bob Brenly was actually a good hitter. Now, abut that broadcasting…
• “There is no greater tragedy than when a parent outlives a child.” -Senior Seau
• A Song of Checks and Balances. (HT: betterorworse)
• Dumbest man ever deservedly loses teeth. (HT: Brant)
• Mount Rushmore: AFTER HOURS.
• Every once in a while, I love a good lawyer throwdown.
• This camera would have been great for writing text adventures in the late ’80s and early ’90s.
• TWEET OF THE WEEK: I keep forgetting to post this, but you should probably be following @BestFansStLouis. (HT: St. Patrick) What a bunch of TRADERS!
• FEED READ OF THE WEEK: Hey, Girl, It’s Paul Ryan (HT: morpheus)

I long for the days when the Muskbox was timely.

Why isn’t Bryan LaHair starting every day?

Because he basically…is? He’s started 75% of their games to this point.

He has a .300 average…

.381, but it’s pretty refreshing to see a Cubs fan UNDERvalue a player.

…he’s hitting home runs, and this is supposed to be his opportunity to show his abilities.

The True Value Cubs Caravan Circus Freak Show is finally in town!

It doesn’t make sense.
– Dean S., Goshen, Ind.

Agreed.

CARRIE: This spring, LaHair was 3-for-18 against left-handed pitchers, while hitting .349 against right-handers.

“He sucked against lefties.”
“That’s bad.”
“But that was in the spring, so the stats didn’t count.”
“That’s good!”
“But he only has one hit against lefties so far this year.”
“That’s bad.”
“But the hit was a home run.”
“That’s good!”
“The home run was cursed.”

CARRIE: If he’s not in the lineup, it’s because a lefty is starting and the Cubs want to get Jeff Baker in the mix.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? I mean, nothing against him personally, but Jeff Baker sucks and has absolutely no future with this team nor any trade value, no?

CARRIE: Baker has a career .309 average against left-handers, while LaHair is 1-for-7 this year, and 6-for-41 in his career against lefties. He’d like more chances against them.

He’ll show you lefties. He’ll show ALL of you lefties!

CARRIE: “I’m not afraid of left-handers,” LaHair said.

“Just spiders, dying alone, and Blake DeWitt.”

CARRIE: “I feel any time I come to the plate, I can do something, whether it’s a lefty or righty.

“I can either strike out or hit a home run, respectively!”

CARRIE: I’m on board [with sharing first], and I have a role, and I’ve accepted it.”

“I didn’t ask.”
-Dale Sveum

CARRIE: Cubs manager Dale Sveum isn’t using a strict platoon. Sveum did not lift LaHair for a pinch-hitter on Tuesday against Cardinals lefty Marc Rzepczynski…

That’s bad.

CARRIE: …and LaHair delivered a home run.

That’s good!

CARRIE: That was his first hit this season off a left-hander.

Can I go now?

“You do want to give him at-bats against lefties, you don’t want to straight platoon,” Sveum said of LaHair. “The bottom line is, Baker swings the heck out of the bat against left-handed pitching, and you have to give him at-bats, and sometimes without jeopardizing our defense in other areas, that’s the one spot Baker is going to play.”

Baker is .250/.364/.375 against lefties this year. Jeff Baker’s “swings the heck out of” is everyone else’s “tolerable.”

I was wondering if Bryan LaHair or Anthony Rizzo are serviceable at any position but first base. It seems to me that Rizzo is just wasting his time Triple-A Iowa and needs more big league at-bats. Any way to get both of them in the lineup?
– John B., Ketchikan, Alaska

Do you have any idea how many closer options you have for cheering on a baseball team than the Chicago Cubs? You are over 2,600 miles from Wrigley Field. You should just root for Russian bandy instead.

CARRIE: LaHair can play the outfield corners if necessary, but he did not play any outfield this spring.

No success against lefties, no outfield in the spring. What a sad turn of events for Bryan LaHair.

CARRIE: And to those who have suggested LaHair move to third base, that’s not going to happen.

Although there’s a way better chance of that move happening than putting Rizzo there, as previous Muskboxers suggested.

With all the talk about LaHair and Rizzo at first base, it got me thinking: How many first basemen have played for the Cubs since Mark Grace went to Arizona?
– Kevin M., Racine, Wis.

Oh, God. Oh, God, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THIS QUESTION???

CARRIE: Grace’s last season with the Cubs was in 2000. Since then, there have been 36 players who have taken a turn at first base. The list includes: Matt Stairs, Fred McGriff, Julio Zuleta, Ron Coomer, Delino DeShields, Michael Tucker, Mark Bellhorn, Hee-Seop Choi, Angel Echevarria, Robert Machado, Lenny Harris, Eric Karros, Ramon Martinez, Randall Simon, Jason Dubois, Todd Hollandsworth, Derrek Lee, Todd Walker, Scott McClain, Enrique Wilson, Henry Blanco, Jerry Hairston Jr., John Mabry, Scott Moore, Mark DeRosa, Jake Fox, Daryle Ward, Micah Hoffpauir, Baker, Xavier Nady, Tyler Colvin, LaHair, DJ LeMahieu, Carlos Pena, Steve Clevenger and Joe Mather.

And not a one of them could measure up to the cool confidence and slick fielding of Lenny Harris. Except the ACTUAL Lenny Harris, I suppose.

I saw in Parade magazine…

Though I appreciate a submitter providing more detail than, “I read somewhere,” this is probably the best example of when “I read somewhere,” would be the safest way to avoid getting your ass kicked.

…that Albert Pujols was listed as playing for the Peoria Chiefs. Is there another Peoria team not affiliated with the Cubs, or was he in the Cubs’ Minor League system? If so, how did he get there (it seems the Cubs would’ve drafted him) and why did he leave?
– John R., Pinckneyville, Ill.

So, so much is wrong here. I’ll start.

1. assumes that minor league teams never change affiliation with the Major League club
2. supposes if there were two minor league baseball teams in Peoria that they’d BOTH be named the Chiefs
3. ignores the fact that if Albert Pujols had ever been in the Cubs’ minor league system, Phil Rogers would be bitching about it EVERY SINGLE DAY
4. doesn’t understand the amateur draft
5. can’t fathom a minor league player having basically no control over his career path

Did I miss anything?

CARRIE: The Peoria Chiefs were a Cardinals Minor League team from 1996-2004, which is when Pujols played for them. The Chiefs were affiliated with the Cubs from 1985-95, and again from 2005 to the present.

I feel like this transfer is the result of Jim Hendry having no idea how a trade for Pujols would actually work.

With Kerry Wood going down on the disabled list again this year, I feel he may not be around in the Major Leagues much longer.

Impossible. His career path trends toward him pitching well into his 40s.

Can you see Kerry staying with the Cubs as a coach after his career? I would love to see him stay in Cubbie blue.
– Nick A., Valparaiso, Ind.

Then get Ryne Sandberg to manage, bring Greg Maddux and Rick Sutcliffe back as co-pitching coaches, bring Andre Dawson and Mark Grace back as co-hitting coaches, and bring Bob Brenly in as bench coach, just to shut him the fuck up about sunglasses!

CARRIE: Wood, 34, has three young children who may want him to be their coach once his playing days are over. Right now, the focus is on this season.

Is she suggesting that Theo Epstein draft Kerry Wood’s three young children? Because, if so, BRILLIANT.

I was watching one of the Cubs-Brewers games, and the announcers were talking about a Cardinals pitcher (I’m not sure when this happened)…

“Or, really, IF it happened. Or where I am. Or why we’re all here.”

…but he left the game at Wrigley, found a trench coat and they spotted him in his uniform across the street on a rooftop cheering with fans. Can you tell me who this was?
– Jeannine W., Ashland, Wis.

But if he was wearing a trench coat, HOW DID THEY SPOT THE UNIFORM? No, no. Nothing about this story adds up at all.

CARRIE: The only pitcher I know who did that was Tom Browning, who was with the Reds. In July 1993, he snuck out of Wrigley Field and was spotted on one of the rooftops on Sheffield Avenue in uniform. He was fined $500 by Cincinnati manager Davey Johnson for the prank.

Browning had access to one of the best seats in Wrigley Field, yet he chose to go sit 450 feet from home plate instead. Only a total idiot would ever choose to do that.

What’s become of Derrek Lee? Is he still a free agent and not signed?
– Dan M., Hillside, Ill.

He’ll never work in this town again!

CARRIE: He is still a free agent and not signed — that’s correct.

Also, “Yes.”

Do the Cubs have a good shortstop at Triple-A? They have to move Starlin Castro to center field. He is not a shortstop at all, and enough is enough with the errors.
– Rick V., Woodridge, Ill.

God dammit, you suck. There is absolutely no reason not to give Starlin plenty of time right now to prove whether or not he can handle shortstop at the Major League level. If he can, awesome. If he can’t, he’s almost certainly not going to end up in center field. Incidentally, Starlin Castro can RAKE. No, that’s not a typo. That is all.

CARRIE: The Cubs’ best shortstop prospect is Junior Lake, but I think you’re writing Castro off too soon. When he was called up in May 2010, he was 20 years old and had less than 1,000 at-bats in the Minor Leagues. He may be ready offensively, but he is still learning on defense. I’m not saying Castro is a Hall of Famer…

“…because I never say anything of substance or make any real predictions in this column.”

CARRIE: …but Robin Yount made 44 errors at shortstop in his second season in 1975, and 31 more in ’76. Sveum is working with him, but there will be growing pains.

“I’m not saying Starlin Castro is A Hall of Famer, I’m saying he’s THE Hall of Famer, Robin Yount!”

Picture HT: swaz46

Your tips are as appreciated as Bryan LaHair. WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND THAT.

• The 10 worst moments in baseball history surprisingly don’t include the Cubs in any way. (HT: level5) Unless you include Sammy Sosa. Also, holy shit, I had no idea that’s what happened to Christy Mathewson.
• Ryan Theriot’s “incredible baserunning ability” makes me wonder why the Cubs ever let him slip away. (HT: Jim)
• I hate everything about the Bleed Cubbie Blue, but I’m linking this just so everyone knows what a rabbit-eared dipshit Al Yellon is (skip right to the comments so you don’t go braindead from his “article” writing style). If you wonder why Dolan loathes him so much, it’s because he’s an arrogant, self-important, no-nothing know-it-all. Al is. Not Dolan. Usually.
• This guy wrote the Prankster’s Bible.
• Lincoln had the worst bodyguard since- Oh, I don’t know. Let’s just say Kevin Costner.
• Blondest non-blonde ever? (HT: swaz46)
  
• NIGHTMARE FUEL OF THE WEEK: Are vagina flowers NSFW? (HT: saztronic)
• YOUR AWESOME OLD MOVIE CLIP OF THE WEEK: It took someone on the internet this long to notice that Back to the Future has a pretty creepy plot? That’s the whole reason Disney passed on it. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Does this team even HAVE a "blow" switch?

Whenever there is some actual, bona fide talent waiting in the Minor Leagues, the argument against bringing them to the Major Leagues is that they can’t be rushed. I absolutely hate that argument, but for now I’ll concede the point that these fully-grown men who have been under a microscope since they were twelve years old are so fragile that they will wilt under the MLB media and forget everything they’ve ever learned about baseball if they get off to a start as bad as, oh, say, Marlon Byrd’s. But what if there’s absolutely no rush at the Major League level?

This 2012 Cubs team is bad. They have a legitimate chance to be one of the worst Cub teams in my lifetime. Less than a tenth of the way into the season, and this team is already making my 76-86 prediction look hilarious. They are already SEVEN games behind the NL-Central-leading Cardinals. If the Cubs don’t lose a game for the rest of April, and the Cardinals don’t win a game for the rest of April, the Cubs will only tie them for first place. The odds of that happening are slim, as the Cubs have to play the Cardinals and Phillies in those seven games. What I’m saying is that there is absolutely no one in the Cub organization who reasonably thinks this team can compete this year. Even Ronnie Woo-Woo is thinking about scalping some of his free tickets and, oh, say, getting a fucking job and contributing something to society like actual human beings do.

So, if the expectations are literally and honestly zero from everyone in the Cub organization. If Theo’s Think Tank^TM will be transparent with the fans and admit that, yes, this is a total rebuilding of the clusterfuck of an organization that Jim Hendry left behind. If the fans would be willing to watch a couple of sub-.400 winning percentage seasons. If Soriano really is toast, Geovany Soto is bad again, LaHair isn’t worse in left field than Soriano is, and DeJesus is as pointless as a Phil Rogers column. Why CAN’T Anthony Rizzo, Brett Jackson, Matt Szczur, and Welington Castillo play this year? No, not this year. I’m sure most of them will be playing this year. Like, right now.

We all know you’re committed to fixing this thing, Theo. Just admit that you’re committed to sucking until it’s fixed.

The 2012 Nut-Punch Ends in…FIVE MONTHS AND TEN DAYS? God dammit.