Hobo Mama

Decluttering when poor & the fear of minimalism

2016-04-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried to pare down your belongings when you have no money?

It takes a steady hand and a brave heart, that's for sure.

I came across Marie Kondo's book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, a little over a year ago, when Karsten was still quite small. I started implementing some of the techniques — picking up objects and determining whether they sparked joy, and even folding my socks the KonMari way — and immediately enjoyed the increased serenity that came with less clutter, less crowding, less need to organize and cram and put away. I am a declutter-o-phile and reforming packrat, and the KonMari options clicked with me.

Some examples:

How I redid the kids' drawers. I love how visible everything is.

My mismatched socks before. I'm NOT KIDDING. These are all SINGLE SOCKS with no mate.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? These all went bye-bye.

My sweet little socks and undies afterward, with socks organized and separated by color family.

But … it was around this same time that we realized how little money we had coming in. Sam and I work for ourselves, which means our "paychecks" are unpredictable, so things can sometimes coast for a bit before we realize there's been an income swing. We've always had a dip like this when we've had a new baby, but this one was perhaps deeper because the pregnancy itself was hard as well and we have — count 'em — three children now to care for and homeschool. I don't worry about telling you this, because I trust I've been honest that being self-employed is only for those who can handle some degree of risk, and we are such people. Our income has always been cyclical, so we tightened our belts while we devoted what energy we could to earning more money, and we have pared way, way, way down on spending.

And this is where the KonMari giddiness took a nosedive.

I suddenly no longer felt confident about giving up items, even if their joy-sparking potential was limited. For instance, I had gathered bags full of lesser-desired hair items: styling products, accessories, curlers, chemical processes. Unlike usual, I actually got around to listing the haul on Freecycle, and someone bit right away. The only thing she didn't want was the half-bottle of spray gel, because she didn't use spray gel, so I removed it, intending to include it with a future Freecyle offer. Not long after, my preferred, somewhat pricey brand of haircare product ran out. I couldn't justify reordering. I wasn't even sure if I could justify buying new gel at the grocery store or if I should just use whatever Sam was using. I dug through my Freecycle remnants and found that half-used bottle of spray gel, and darn it if I wasn't relieved that I hadn't given it away after all. I used it gratefully.

Lately, my remaining underpants have gotten ratty. Yes, I know, underpants! This should not be a big deal. Marie Kondo would have me tossing those puppies out in a heartbeat. But I've really come to love a certain brand of undies (cotton ones from Victoria's Secret — don't judge!), and I can't justify buying them and have had bad experiences with the sizing on box-store brands. Undies aren't the sort of thing I really want to acquire used. So I'm wearing my holey underpants and making do. They still cover my butt. Good enough.

It's made me ponder, from my still admittedly privileged middle-class position, how hard it is to live as a minimalist if you know you can't replace anything you give up and then miss. The KonMari Method suggests that you'll be happier to get something new and better as a substitute — but for many, such a fortunate outcome is not an option. I have to make do with our disgustingly dirty couch (no, seriously, it's gross, but it's a comfortable sofabed that doubles as our "guest room"), because new furniture is not in the cards. I have to live with having one pair of jeans that fit well, because I'd rather spend our clothing budget on my fast-growing boys (and then at the thrift shop or with hand-me-downs when possible).

On the one hand, I personally really love the lightness and clarity that getting rid of excess grants me. I don't even mind being in frugality mode. But I can't deny the fear that comes along with getting rid of perfectly usable items when I know I won't be replacing them. This calculus might change a bit if I were selling the items, of course, but even then, you don't usually make money on used goods, and selling takes an energy that could be spent better elsewhere. In almost all instances, it's cheaper and more efficient to keep something and live with it than get a new item. Something might not be ideal, but it's often a heck of a lot better than nothing.

I expect our income situation to level up soon enough, so I'm not particularly concerned for us and not asking you to be. We walked into our own situation with open eyes. And I'm not speaking for any or all low-income families. I know several such who do embrace minimalism and declutter frequently, and I hope maybe I'll be able to write a follow-up post about how I conquered this fear of losing stuff myself.

But I resolve to remember in the future that decluttering and minimalism, while perfectly admirable for those who like that sort of thing, are not for everyone. This is a no-duh message but needs to be spoken amidst all the gleeful Pinterest pins and blogposts about getting rid of anything that's not perfect (my own included). Some people, whether due to current or past or fear-of-future economic downturns, will feel more comfortable holding fast to the stuff they have so they don't have to worry about doing without.

Helping organize those clothes

The Sorting Cat

Have you decluttered during disparate periods of family income? How did it feel for you?

The legal complexities of giving kids independence

2015-04-20T05:00:00.003-07:00

The other day, Sam, Alrik, and I wanted to head out to the playground — and Mikko didn't. Now, the playground is literally a block from our home. Mikko is 7 years old, nearly 8, and perfectly capable of amusing himself and retrieving drinks or snacks as needed in a short absence of parental supervision.

But we knew we couldn't leave him home alone, and told him as much. "But whhhyyyy?" he asked. Indeed, kiddo, why?

Because the neighbors might call the cops on us, that's why.

Instead, we had to cajole and bribe him into accompanying us. In fact, Alrik, Karsten, and I left first, and Sam followed a good forty minutes later, with new plans and relevant toys to meet up at the beach for a digging party, the activity Mikko finally agreed to.

Let me tell you a bit about my childhood in less (?) enlightened times. I walked to and from kindergarten in Alaska. My mom used to say she'd watch through the window until we disappeared into the fog. When I was 6 and living in Colorado, my mother went back to work, leaving me in my 10-year-old brother's care throughout the summer break. By the time I was 7 or 8, my best friend and I, and her brother and mine, would frequently walk as a group alone to the swimming pool. I remember wearing our towels in elaborate concoctions on our heads and pushing our bare toes into the hot, melting tar stripes on the pavement. When we got there, we swam without adults besides whatever teen lifeguards were on duty. By the time I was 8 or 9, my friend and I were going on walking or bike-riding jaunts by ourselves, visiting my dad at his office or the hospital (he was a social worker in the Army) or running errands for our moms, like picking up stamps or the newspaper. I began babysitting my little brother soon after he was born when I was 9. I had a chart to track my $1-per-hour payments. (I was surprised when I began babysitting for other families at age 11 or so and figured out they would pay me more than that.)

When I was 10, I moved to Berlin, and at 14 to upstate New York. I remember in both locations, both urban and rural, having a huge amount of freedom. In Berlin, my friends and I rode along the bike paths (they have awesome bike paths) pretty much everywhere by ourselves. We walked miles through tree-lined trails and took shortcuts without fear. My best friend and I went by ourselves to the P.X. to spend our babysitting money on ill-advised cheap cosmetics and hot-pink dangle earrings that my mother didn't want me to wear. We spent hours at the pond between our houses, building a fort within a weeping willow tree and heading home only at dusk. Through junior high, I took city buses by myself and frequently walked the nearly 2 miles home from school. When I moved to New York state, I routinely rode my bike for an hour and a half each day in a big loop through the dilapidated "old post." My mother was working then, too, so I was one of those dreaded latchkey kids — only, I didn't dread it. I appreciated the quiet of the house when I'd come home from school and have an hour or two all to myself to do something of high value, like watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and eat cookies.

This was, let it be emphasized, before the dawn of cellphones and easy access. My mom knew generally where I was and when I'd be returning but not exactly. In a pinch, I'd hopefully be able to call someone, somewhere, with our home phone or a pay phone, but this was not guaranteed, and mostly my friends and I just acknowledged we needed to fend for ourselves when we were out of adult supervision — and, so, we did.

Today I looked up when children are allowed, legally, to stay home alone in the U.S. There is a great variation by state, with most states not having a definitive law. Exceptions include some states on the low end, such as Maryland and North Carolina, which say 8, and a notable one on the high end, Illinois, that says 14. FOURTEEN. 14!!!!!!! Sorry, I just wanted to let that soak in a bit there. FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. In HIGH SCHOOL.

Ok, when I look at the actual statute, it's much more vague: "Those who are neglected include: […] any minor under the age of 14 years whose parent or other person responsible for the minor's welfare leaves the minor without supervision for an unreasonable period of time without regard for the mental or physical health, safety, or welfare of that minor" (Illinois Compiled Statutes: Neglected or abused minor). That says "unreasonable period of time" and "without regard," so there's quite a bit of wiggle room there.

Though, as I'd like to point out, that wiggle room concerns me. So much of these choices are open to interpretation. As long as we stay on the good side of the authorities, such interpretation is in the hands of the parents or guardians. In other words, assuming there's no interference, it's up to me to decide whether Mikko, at his current age or any age in the future, is safe to stay home while we go to the park for an hour.

However, if we run afoul of the authorities, then it's up to them to decide whether we were being unreasonable. If a concerned neighbor or stranger calls the police or CPS because my child was walking to the playground alone, then it's no longer up to me to decide whether I was right to let him.

Just ask Danielle and Sasha Meitiv, who were found responsible for child neglect after letting their children, 10 and 6, walk home from the park. They're in the aforementioned Maryland, where kids can stay home by themselves as young as 8, but apparently walking a mile is too dangerous, and kids have to be 13 before they can babysit.

Ask Debra Harrell, a mother who let her 9-year-old play at a playground near the McDonald's where she worked. She'd previously had her daughter stay at the McDonald's, playing on a laptop, but when the laptop was stolen, she agreed to let her daughter go to a popular, busy playground instead. This a playground was a six-minute walk from her home, with free supervised breakfasts and lunches. Seriously, what kid wouldn't want that choice rather than to sit in a greasy-smelling booth all day? Her mother's reward for making a conscious parenting decision was 17 days in jail, temporary loss of custody, and fear of losing her job or going to prison. (It's worth noting that the Meitivs, who were not arrested and never lost custody of their children, appear to be white, and Debra Harrell is black and a single mother. Hm.)

So: In Washington state, where I live, the guidelines from the Department of Social and Health Services suggest that "children under the age of 10 should not be left on their own and babies and younger children should not be left alone even for a few minutes" and that "[m]ost authorities agree that leaving a 12-year-old alone at home for an hour or two is acceptable, but someone this age should not be responsible for other children." Meaning … I could disagree and make other choices, but, even though it says the "decision to leave a child home alone is a very personal decision that needs to be made based on parents’ feelings and experience with their own child," those choices could be severely challenged and even penalized if someone from DSHS finds out and comes to a different conclusion.

(Granted, I have the privilege that comes from being white, married, hetero, cis, middle class, etc., which privilege I do not take lightly, and which status with DSHS I wish all parents could possess. Plus, I know my rights for if someone from CPS comes a-knockin': To wit, do not let anyone in. Request, politely but firmly, that, unless they have a warrant requiring immediate entry, they call you to make an appointment. Do not let them talk to your children. Do not say much to them at all beyond taking note of what accusations or evidence they have against you. Then call a lawyer, pronto. And, not to bring further paranoia to the conversation, but since knowledge is power, you can demand that children be given into temporary care of an appropriate relative or friend rather than into the emergency foster care system.)

Can we circle back to "babies and younger children should not be left alone even for a few minutes"? Really? A few minutes? I assume this means at home alone, but … man, that sounds extreme. Do we really have to be within eyesight of our children at every minute of the day? What about at night? Should we stay up and creepily watch them sleep? Name me a parent who hasn't left a baby or young child alone for a few minutes. It's becoming ludicrous to me that there's this expectation that mothers (it's always mothers) will have their eyes on their children, even multiple children, 24/7. It's not possible, and the expectation itself is harmful for the burden it places on mothers.

In Washington state, you're also not legally allowed to leave a child under 16 (!) alone in a running parked car, but there's no particular statute about an idle one. Safe to say, even then it's strongly discouraged. I find it rather ludicrous that a 15-year-old couldn't safely sit in a locked car with the engine running, say on a wintry day as a parent runs into a drugstore or drops a sibling off at school, but ok.

Whenever I read a news story about a parent being prosecuted for leaving a child in a temperate car for a short period, I read comments from people who say they would never leave a kid in a car for any period of time for any reason. And I think, well, one or more things are going on here: Perhaps this person is not a parent, or not a parent of more than one small child, or has a garage or household help. The latter could certainly be true of many lawmakers, yes? Because where I live, and with the number of small kids I have, it's gonna happen. It just is. Here's a scenario, for instance: You come home from the grocery store. One or two of your three kids have fallen asleep in the back, and you also have three loads of groceries to bring upstairs to your apartment. You park in your parking lot and consider. Do you carry the kids up first, leaving them alone in the apartment as you go back for the groceries? Or do you bring up the groceries first, leaving the kids in the car? And if you bring the kids up first, then one or more will be screaming for you disconsolately while you go back to get the groceries, whereas if you bring the groceries up first, maybe they'll sleep through the whole thing and you can transfer them peacefully (you dreamer, you!) directly into bed. At any rate, they'll be left alone somewhere. And, yes, it would be nice if that never had to happen, but, dude, this is real life. And I'd really, really hate if a neighbor called the cops on me because I didn't have enough arms to carry all the groceries and all the babies in one trip.

I purposely avoid being the one to return the books to the library if I have the kids, because our branch doesn't have a drop-off chute that's on the side of the building near the parking, and I'm sure as heck not going to unbuckle three kids just so I can walk around a building with an armload of books and a baby, dump the books (not the baby!) into a chute, walk back around the building, and then buckle three kids back into the car. (What I wouldn't give for a drive-up chute!) But if I dare to leave the kids be while I run the books around the side for a whole heaping minute, who knows who might witness it and decide to pass judgment?

In short, it's bizarre and frustrating to me that as parents we now make decisions for our kids based not on what is safe and appropriate but on what strangers and bystanders will think is acceptable. The risk to my children sitting for several minutes in a locked car on a mild day is, statistically speaking, nil. The greater risk is my having driven them to the library or grocery store in the first place. But if, heaven forbid, we were in a car accident, no one would chide me, "You shouldn't have been driving them in the first place! Don't you know how dangerous moving vehicles are?!" No one calls CPS on parents daring to drive children around, despite the fact that car accidents are one of the leading causes of death for young people. But park the car for a second and, hoo boy, suddenly the car's a danger zone! To put this in perspective, lifetime odds of a (not necessarily fatal) motor vehicle accident are 1 in 100, but there's a 1 in 1.5 million chance a child will be abducted by a stranger.

So we won't be leaving Mikko home alone anytime soon, and he won't be babysitting at nearly as young an age as I started. In fact, I read the recommendations for when to consider leaving a child alone and actually do agree he's not ready. For instance, I'd love it if we had a phone at home he could use to call for help (that's a technical issue we have to sort out, not something he has to handle), and I want to be confident he knows our address and phone number as well as 911 (until recently, he kept saying 991). When he can read better, we could write emergency information down for him, but we're not there yet, either. For now, we're practicing our address and phone number regularly, and he knows his parents' full names. He also knows what keys to use on our doors and which of our neighbors are a good resource to run to for help.

Since I'm a big believer, though, in free-range parenting and letting my children develop their independence, I've come up with some safe, legally acceptable (I hope! I think!) ways for kids to test their wings:

I let the kids walk far ahead of me when we go out together if we're on a safe stretch of sidewalk. Alrik knows to stop before a street crossing if no one's with him. Mikko knows how to look for cars and cross safely. I keep them within shouting distance in case they're going the wrong way.
If I need to run a quick errand but don't want to get all the kids out of the car, I can sometimes compromise by getting just the oldest kid out of the car and letting him run the errand. There's a small drugstore where I can park right in front of the big glass windows and sliding doors (the only ones into or out of the store), and Mikko loves having the responsibility of taking a few dollars and running in to buy a drink or snack or bandages or whatever it is we need. He doesn't mind talking with salespeople for help, either, so I consider this all a great life-skills lesson. If I'm needed or someone inside wants reassurance he's not abandoned, he can point me out to the salespeople from the store. I'll also have him go up to, for instance, mall food-court counters by himself to order, staying nearby but at a discreet distance so the cashier won't default to interacting with me instead.
If a tween wants babysitting experience but can't or shouldn't be left alone, the tween's parent could babysit alongside. A friend of mine did this with her daughter. Her daughter was technically in charge of the babysittee and received the money for her work, but her mother was present in the house as a supervisor as needed. I'd love that for my kids, actually — they'd enjoy the energy levels of a 12-year-old, and I wouldn't have to worry that handling my hooligans would be too much for said 12-year-old. We already experience something like this when we visit my niece, because she routinely takes the boys away with her to play for hours but is still within earshot in case an adult is needed.
We let Mikko take one set of keys to let himself into the apartment if we're slow in emptying the car and getting upstairs (and we always are). This isn't a big thing, but it obviously means something to him. We also let him take the keys and go downstairs to get the mail on his own, and both boys like to meet package deliverers at the outer door.
Since Mikko was young, we've encouraged him to source and make his own snacks. (We haven't been as diligent about this with Alrik, hmmm — will have to work on that, though I think part of it is personality.) Mikko can easily feed and entertain himself for quite some time if needed, such as when we're getting his little brothers to sleep.
We give both kids jobs and responsibilities that suit their maturity levels. They help me put away clothes, scoop the litter boxes, clean the windows, etc., and not a day goes by nowadays where I'm not asking one or the other to "please make faces at your baby brother" while I go pee or get a glass of water or whatever I need to do sans bébé. They both feel a sense of duty and protectiveness toward their brother because they know they're needed by him and by their parents.
Mikko can go into his own public restrooms or wait outside the one I go into with the younger kids.
When we're out in public at a store or restaurant, we'll let the kids interface with the staff for us to ask where to find something or to get a refill or doggy bag or whatever. It gives them practice, saves us social awkwardness (Sam and I are incredibly awkward; it's an endearing fault…), and gets the job done. Mikko especially loves to chat it up with strangers.
Alrik and I were walking at the top of a hill the other day, and he wanted to run down it. So he did, and then back up again, and then back down. Meanwhile, I kept walking along the sidewalk at the top, able to yell down to him to keep me in sight as we walked in parallel toward our destination. I was able to keep an eye on him down below as he scrambled over every bench he came across. A couple older ladies were standing nearby, watching him, and commented on what a fine adventure he was having. Absolutely!
Even as babies and toddlers, we babyproof within reason, then give our kids safe(ish) spaces of our home to explore, within eyesight but with limited helicoptering.
Rather than declare dangerous things off limits, we teach our children how to handle sharp knives, fire, stoves, and other risks responsibly.
Alrik climbs, flips, and jumps. Everything. Today he was leap-somersaulting off a stool onto the bed. We've enrolled him in gymnastics before, and I plan to do it again.
I decline hovering at playgrounds. I just do. I mean, I'll play if I'm in the mood, but if not … it's a playground, kids. Play. I'll be over here with my phone and the baby. Smooch!

Some of those sound incredibly tame and some might be beyond your kids right now, but everything should be age appropriate and based on the individual child's readiness. I believe in being safe — but within reason. For instance, we do drive in a car even though motor vehicles are dangerous, but we use car seats that fit our children's ages and bodies. In the same way, we can take precautions that protect our children's vulnerabilities while still allowing them to build their own competence and self-reliance. I hope I can find other ways as we go along of acknowledging the more restrictive guidelines of today's fear culture but still letting our kids have a taste of the freedom I did when I was young.

What are your thoughts on free-range kids vs. the nanny culture?

Make your own soothing postpartum pads

2015-02-10T03:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the February 2015 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Do It Yourself

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants are teaching us how to make something useful or try something new.

After you've given birth vaginally, things can be rather … tender … down there. Possibilities include swelling, tears, stitches, hemorrhoids, and other fun things. What I wanted most after my births was (a) not to look and (b) to make the area feel better.

Enter frozen postpartum pads!

Also known adorably as padsicles and peri-pops (because they soothe your sore perineum), they're easy to make and can be prepared ahead of time by you or by a birth attendant if you've put it off till the last minute. They take just a few ingredients and whatever pads you can source.

I'll also give you a few other ideas for natural pain relief at the end.

Supplies:

Witch hazel (preferably alcohol-free)
Aloe vera gel
Lavender essential oil (optional)
Small bottle or bowl for mixing
Pads

Notes on the ingredients:
Obviously, skip anything you're sensitive to. Some people are sensitive to lavender oil or witch hazel, for instance, so test a bit beforehand, and discontinue use if anything feels irritating.

Ideally, the witch hazel should be alcohol-free to avoid any stinging. The kind I have (Safeway brand, because I'm super swanky like that) is 86% witch hazel and 14% alcohol, and it was fine for me, but I don't want anyone to make the owies any worse.

The aloe vera should be 100% pure gel and not a liquid extract. The kind I use is somewhat liquid-y, though, which was actually great to make mixing and spreading easier.

The pads can be almost anything you've got handy. Ideas: Cloth or disposable menstrual pads, postpartum pads, or panty liners; cloth diaper doublers and liners; cloth or disposable newborn diapers, such as preemie prefolds; washcloths folded in thirds.

Frozen pad ideas, both cloth & disposable

You might find you want a broad length and width to cover more area, or you might prefer a more targeted approach. You probably want to err on the larger side if freezing in advance, or make an assortment.

I appreciated the extra absorbency the frozen pads gave me postpartum, but keep in mind that these padsicles, pre-saturated as they are, are for pain relief, not absorbing all the lochia on their own. Place them inside whatever postpartum pad you're using for mess containment (of both the lochia and any drips from melting).

My stash of postpartum pads & panties

Some people eschew using disposable products for postpartum healing, particularly name-brand and/or chemical-laden pads. I made the switch to reusable menstrual products several years ago and had some leftover disposables to use up, so I did freeze quite a few disposables for after Alrik's birth and had no problems myself. But there are anecdotes of disposables being more prone to stick to stitches (ouch) and delay healing, so if you have a choice, I'd recommend soft cloth pads of one sort or another instead. Generic washcloths, for instance, are nice and cheap and can be bought in packs of 12 or 24 and used for other purposes after such as heat therapy (see below). After Karsten's birth three months ago, I had several more disposables to use (most from my birth kit), but when I switched to cloth again, it was so much more comfortable and not a bother for me to wash — I just spritzed them with Bac-Out and tossed them in with our regular laundry, washed in cold, and they came out clean. That said, if what you have on hand is disposable pads, I'm not going to discourage you from giving them a go, since they didn't impede healing for me. Plus, depending on your laundry situation (what facilities and assistance you have available to you), having disposables might be some people's best option.

Directions:

Mix in small bottle or bowl:
1. Half witch hazel
2. Half aloe vera gel
3. 4-5 drops lavender essential oil
Spray or spread onto the pad.

Layer the pads with aluminum foil to keep them from sticking to each other.

Freeze.

My midwife had the genius idea of freezing them in a shallow bowl to achieve a womanly curve that doesn't have to be cracked into place. Since our freezer space is at a premium, I used a small bowl to help me shape the pads, and then froze them on their side, still curved.

Use a bowl to help curve them gently. (Note: A bigger bowl would give a better curve; I stretched mine back out a bit after since my big bowls were in use!)

Then spoon them together, foil in between, to freeze.

If you're freezing disposable pads with their own adhesive liners, you can stack similarly sized pads on top of each other and put aluminum foil only on the top. Wings can be folded back in.

Disposable pads can be kept on their disposable liners, with any wings folded back over for freezing.

The liners will offer protection between pads. Only a small sheet of foil need be placed on the very top in that case.

When frozen, pop the padsicles into a freezer baggie to keep them clean, and remove one at a time for use.

To avoid any adherence to your stitches or tender bits, let the pad thaw a few minutes, or work it between your hands a bit before placing inside your undies.

I like replacing them often the first few days — I'll ask Sam to grab me another the next time I'm using the restroom. (I am not afraid to ask for help! For the first several days, I go back and forth from bed to bathroom, and that's it.)

I froze about 24 padsicles, and that was more than enough. After the first few days, I was preferring heat on the area (see below), though I did use up all the padsicles I made! I'd make at least 12 so you can have four a day for the first three days, or six a day for the first two. More would be a bonus! If you have a helper or are able to move around on your own and you need a replenishment, you can always get some more freezing before you run out — I left my supplies gathered together in a handy spot (witch hazel, lavender oil, extra pads, small mixing bottle, with the aloe vera in the fridge) in case I needed Sam to whip me up a few more in a pinch.

Bonus icy soothers:

If you want something to tuck in a little more intimately — note I do not mean inside your vagina (keep everything out while you're healing!) but tucked further up into your vulva folds — you can use the same formula to freeze a tampon. I emphasize again, this is to be used horizontally, not vertically, but it can be a more direct application of the cold to the sorest spots.

Spooning the gel mixture into a tampon before Alrik's birth.

Another ice pack option that's comfortable enough to sit on is a frozen condom. Hear me out! You're going to use a couple condoms to make a condom slushy. Fill a clean (do I have to say this?) condom with about an inch of rubbing alcohol (or, really, any kind of alcohol) and then to the top with water. Don't overfill; you won't want it full to bursting. Tie it off like a balloon. Tuck it inside another clean condom. (Easier said than done, I realize, but do your best.) Tie that one off as well. Tuck your condomsicle inside a cardboard toilet paper tube and freeze. The alcohol will keep it slushy rather than a hard tube of ice. Again, this is to be used externally only.

It ain't pretty, but it works! Tiny bit of alcohol, fill with water and double bag, then freeze in a tube.

Warmth for healing:

After the first couple days, and sometimes sooner, you might find you prefer warmth to cold or want to switch back and forth between the two. Heat can bring blood flow to the area and promote healing, besides feeling very soothing in itself.

My favorite is a warm bath, and a bonus is including sitz herbs in with you. You can purchase herbal preparations or make your own. Your baby can join you in the bath if the water is equally soothing to your little one. (My boys loved floating and kicking while held in my arms; I think it reminded them of the womb!)

To make the herbs more potent, use an actual sitz bath or large bowl, or fill the tub only enough to slosh up to your privates and then add the herbs. You could do this before or after a regular bath as you wish.

You can purchase postpartum herb pads, such as these from Earth Mama Angel Baby, steep them, and then let them cool until they're a safe temperature to place against your skin.

Earth Mama Angel Baby Postpartum Herb Pads — can be frozen, left warm, or used in a bath

You can wet pads (see above for pad suggestions) with warm water individually, or keep a crockpot on low with up to a dozen or so steeping at once. (Washcloths and small cloth diaper inserts work especially well for this.) If they're hot to the touch, let a pad cool to a comfortable temperature before placing against you.

You can wrap small gel heat packs or microwaveable rice packs in cloth (such as a washcloth) and tuck them between your pad and you. If the heat is too intense, you can add layers of cloth as needed.

An easy external way to add heat is to sit on a soft electric heating pad on low, with it tucked between your legs, over your clothes. I found that one of the most convenient and adjustable options after Karsten's birth.

Keep that area hydrated:

One thing that helped me immensely, both physically and psychologically, was to spray my skin with water every time I peed, while and after I peed. That way, there was no urine sting on the tears since it was so diluted. I'm not even sure if urine would have stung, I sprayed so religiously. You can use a bidet (like my beloved seat attachment — I highly recommend it, for all sorts of reasons), a portable bidet, or a peri bottle, a squeezy bottle with a squirt cap. (One might have come with your birth kit if you had a homebirth, or been sent home with you from the hospital or birth center. If not, they're easy to come by at drugstores.) You can fill it with plain water (very warm water is lovely; I liked mine nearly hot) or with a soothing remedy, such as steeped postpartum herbs or witch hazel with a few drops of lavender essential oil. I like spraying with water liberally, wiping gingerly (might I recommend family cloth for ultimate comfort?), then following up with a smaller squirt of an herbal remedy.

There are prepared sprays available for purchase, such as Earth Mama Angel Baby's Bottom Spray. You can spritz it directly onto your parts, or onto a pad as well, particularly if you didn't manage to freeze any in advance.

After I made an EMAB Postpartum Pad to freeze (which I then subsequently used in a bath — oh, thrift!), I used the steeping water to pour into an extra peri bottle. I squirted this postpartum herbal tea after wiping for an added boost of healing to the area.

Above all, follow my previous midwife's sound advice: Take it easy, and keep your legs together. All this freezing and retrieving and steeping? Have someone else help you out if at all possible. ("Farm boy, fetch me my padsicle!") Things down below will knit together and feel better, so enjoy that sweet newborn and let these ideas give your bits some healing love.

What did you appreciate most for postpartum healing?

Hobo Mama, despite her impressive-sounding name, is not a doctor or midwife or much of a professional anything. Because everyone has different birth experiences and recovery needs, you should check with your healthcare provider when determining your postpartum care.

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by afternoon February 10 with all the carnival links.)

DIY: Homeschooling — Have you considered homeschooling but aren't sure how you could make it work? Kerry of City Kids Homeschooling offers some do-it-yourself encouragement in a guest post at Natural Parents Network.
Super Easy Berry Freezie — Tracy at Raised Good shows how to make healthy, delicious, dairy-free ice-cream for toddlers and their families in under 10 minutes.
How to Get Kids to Behave in Church — Becca at The Earthling's Handbook explains how she's been able to participate in religious activities that mean a lot to her, without being separated from her kids.
Valentine's Slippers — A sneak peek at Life Breath Present's crochet process with some slippers for Hun for Valentine's Day this year!
DIY Nursing Bra Conversion — Holly at Leaves of Lavender provides a quick tutorial for how to convert your favorite regular bra to a nursing bra.
Make your own soothing postpartum pads — Lauren at Hobo Mama shows you how to freeze padsicles for perineal comfort after birth, plus bonus healing options.
Beginning Knitting Project for Kids: Knit a Pikachu — What do you do with all of those practice squares you knit when you are a beginner? Turn them into Pokemon! Kieran, 7-year-old son of Dionna at Code Name: Mama, brings us a video tutorial for this awesome knitting project for kids and adults.
Name Creations: An Inspiring Project that Builds Self-Esteem — Children love their names. Learn easy instructions for children, tweens and teens to put a dramatic name on their door or room wall from Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., at Parental Intelligence.
Water-Bead Sensory Bottles for Babies, Toddlers, and Preschoolers — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares a tutorial for making a rainbow of water-bead sensory bottles along with ideas for using them with babies, toddlers, and preschoolers.

A place for everything and everything in its place

2015-01-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the January 2015 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Household Chores

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories, tips, and tricks on tackling household chores. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to tidy up easily, because everything had a dedicated place to stow neatly away?

This is the dream we have for our small space, and it's one we're slowly (slooowly) achieving. As a consequence, this post is still somewhat in the "do as I say, not as I do" category, so fair warning. But we're getting there!

If you don't have a lot of space (like us), or if you have a lot of stuff (like we have had), or if you just plain have more stuff than room for it (like many) — and assuming acquiring substantially more space isn't a viable option at the moment — you'll breathe more easily if you reconfigure your stuff to fit your space.

Save your energy

Having a place for everything means — hard truth here — having less stuff than absolutely fits. In other words, don't cram your space; get rid of things instead.

Back when feng shui was "in," I read a bit about it. I know, I know — ancient Chinese wisdom as a fad! My heartfelt apologies to anyone who's an expert and a believer. But it was quite popular a few years back in Western home decorating, so I was curious what feng shui was all about. I didn't embrace the concept of energy as a mystic force, but I did take away a huge lesson in psychology. To wit: Clutter steals energy.

Think about this. If you have a huge stash of junk somewhere — even if it's hidden away — you waste emotional and mental energy on it and, from time to time, physical. For instance, let's say you have a box of old magazines in a closet that you're keeping because [insert vague reason here] and you really need to sort through them sometime and decide what to get rid of. Every time you see that box, you have to open it and remember what's in it and go, "Oh, yeah, those magazines," and experience a little sinking feeling that you have this uninspiring work to do at some point. When you need to move something else into the closet, that box is in your way. When you need to move to a new home, you have to haul it with you and find a new space for it there. Even when you're not actively thinking about it, you kind of are. You're always aware that you have loose ends untied, tasks hanging over your head. Clutter saps you like that.

So, first step: Do yourself a favor, and be willing to let the bad energy go, leaving room for the good energy to flow in. That good energy (remember here, I'm not a feng shui person; I'm just speaking metaphorically and from my own perspective) can be the feeling you have seeing a clean, tidy living space, the satisfaction of knowing you can accomplish that feeling daily, and the relief that you have no chores lurking in your closets.

Get more space

Oh, I'm cheating already! This obviously might not be an option for everyone. But I don't think it's failing if you admit that you have an overflow and designate a certain space to contain it. We live in a small condo with minimal closet space, so we've rented a small storage unit offsite to function as our garage/attic/basement. Perhaps you have an actual garage/attic/basement, which is handy. Maybe you have a relative (dear old Mom or Dad) who has same and is storing some of your overflow for free. If not, you'll need to get clever with what closets and storage furniture you do have.

This seems kind of contradictory, to say on the one hand, "Get rid of your excess," and then immediately follow up with, "Or just put it somewhere else," but I'm ok with the philosophy, and here's why. You want your living space to be livable. What your storage space should be is usable. It shouldn't be so full and awkwardly packed that you can't find anything or get it out when you need it. So the clutter rules apply there just the same. Barring that, however, it doesn't need to be pretty — just functional. The items that stay in your living space are the items you need often. The items that go to storage are those you need only rarely. This is a primo way of freeing up space in the areas you use the most and keeping those areas attractive.

The storage space also functions as a midway step for clutter sorting. If you're finding it too difficult to part with certain things, try storing them for a bit. If you need them, you can get them back out. If, instead, you come across that box a year from now and find you haven't touched it, that gives you an idea how nonessential those items really are for you, and you'll have more peace about letting them go. It helps to label boxes with a date — either the date you store them or an expiration date to alert you to do something with it then. And, yes, that something could be not to even open it at all but just bring it to Goodwill and have done with it.

Prioritize everything

In every space, decide what you really use and what can go, and be ruthlessly honest with yourself. In the kitchen, consider what appliances and tools get scant play. Do you need a sandwich maker, or can you just use a pan like the hoi polloi? Do you really need that fifth whisk, or can you, I don't know, wash one of the other four if it comes down to that? Can you make do with not ALL THE SPICES but choose the ones you actually like the taste of?

In the living room, attack your media — we live in 2015 (I think? That's the year now, right?); the virtual world is our oyster. Rent movies from the library or stream them online; borrow magazines or just read online articles and blogs (huzzah!); check out books and ebooks, and let the physical copies go. (Yes, honest, you can love books and not own many. We're not in the eighteenth century where you have to prove your wealth by your impressive home library.)

In your personal areas, chuck toiletries you tried and didn't like that much but are keeping around (for why?), medicines that have expired, and anything you know you'll never use. (WHY do I still have any headbands? I don't wear headbands. They make my head ache.) Scour your closet for the clothes you like, for the ones that make you happy. Who needs the rest? Not you! But someone else might, so pass them along and do both of you a favor.

Once you decide what you're keeping, you have to prioritize where it goes. Is this something you access frequently, or is it something you want to keep but need occasionally or rarely? Frequent items remain in the home and close at hand — out in the open or in convenient drawers and shelves. Occasional items might be stashed farther back but still be accessible within a few minutes. This category might include birthday wrapping paper or guest linens. Items you need rarely, such as annual holiday decorations or camping supplies, can go in that storage space that's a little trickier to get to. Even there, prioritize the less urgent stuff toward the back (for instance, mementos that you want to keep but don't need to keep an eye on).

Sort the kids

How do you handle the kids' stuff? This can get tricky. Every time I read an article that swears that sorting kids' stuff is easy-peasy, I quickly suss out that the author's kid in question is under the age of two, i.e., not old enough yet to object. With our particular chaos-happy seven-year-old, we've found it quite challenging to involve him in sorting and decluttering, because he wants to keep everything. Every. Thing.

While I'd love to use every decluttering session as a training opportunity to convince my younglings of the sanctity of minimalism and the lovingkindness of passing along our excess to others who might need it, sometimes you just want to move along instead of arguing with a gleefully hoard-a-riffic kidlet. So…I propose the stash-and-rotate method as a compromise. It works well with several ages of kids, from babies up through elementary school. (I suspect we'll need a new method with the tween and teen years, so anyone in that bracket can chime in.) Include your kids as much as their ages and emotions allow.

Decide how much fits in your kids' space: toys, books, and miscellaneous nonsense. Choose their current favorite items of those categories to put away in the storage that's available. Don't pack it — leave room for gifts and other acquisitions to fill in the gaps.

Now sort what's remaining. Some of it you'll earmark immediately to toss into a give-away pile, because it's outgrown or trash or unloved or whatever. But if you and your kid are on the fence, box up the remnants and pop them into storage. Be sure to label and date the box. After a few months, get out a stored box, and substitute it for some of the toys that were out but aren't as currently favored. (Always keep out anything that's absolutely adored.) As you're unpacking the stored box, with or without your kid, keep an eye out for anything that is now obviously ready to find a home elsewhere. Otherwise, just observe over the next couple weeks how much your kid attaches to anything that was in the box. If there's no interest in something, slip it into the give-away pile. (There might be initial excitement about "Yea! Toys I haven't seen for awhile!" but look for lasting enthusiasm.) If your child asks for an item that's in storage, that's a sign that it should stay in the rotation for longer. Having storage takes the anxiety level down a notch for everyone, because it lets both you and your kids trial living without certain things for a time.

Rinse, repeat, until the toys and books and such are down to what fits comfortably on the shelves and in a reasonable amount of storage space. What's reasonable for you depends on how much space you have to commit to that. Keeping the amount of toys available small and having a rotational system can make kids play more deeply with the toys they have around, so it's worth trying even if you have a very small storage area.

Contain wisely

Don't assume the problem with your space is not having enough storage bins. The problem is, almost always, having too much stuff. Clear up the stuff, and then you'll be able to see honestly what you need to contain what's left. If it's more containers than fits nicely in a given space, once again: You have too much stuff.

What we've forced ourselves to do is flip the process. We first pick the containers (and I mean this word very broadly to encompass any sort of containing furniture or smaller bin, so bookshelf, media center, cabinet, basket, decorative box, trunk, hat box, spice rack, you name it) that fit nicely into the space. Then we fit our stuff nicely into the containers. Doing it this direction instead of the other way around means we don't keep stuff "just because." If it doesn't fit in our designated calm and peaceful space, it must mean we need to pare down some more. And, in this scenario, "fit" does not mean "it fits if you cram half of it in sideways across the top and throw a blanket over it." It means, ideally, that it doesn't even fill the space, because then there's room to breathe.

For instance, say you get your pantry down to the food items you actually like and use on a regular basis, or so you think. Only, everything just fits. What do you do, then, when there's a good sale on one of those items and you buy three big jars? Pare down even further (it's possible with practice), and those extra jars will fit while you use up something else. (This is also, by the by, a good lesson in not stocking up just for the heck of it. We've begun to recognize the wisdom in having on hand only what we need.)

A very practical note on storage boxes: For your hide-away storing, I recommend using mostly the same size and shape box. We have a mix of Office Depot file storage boxes (the white cardboard type with removable lids, like these) and Home Depot (we like depots?) moving boxes in size small (like these). Both are inexpensive, and both are a consistent and reasonable size and shape. Most things fit in them but then aren't too heavy to lug, they're simple to paw through, you can label them on any and all sides, and they stack like a dream.

And another little cheat? Acknowledge that you're never going to have everything perfectly perfect. You'll always have a junk drawer or a collection of odds and ends you don't know what to do with. So do plan your space with a little wiggle room for detritus, and a covered place to tuck it away inside. Just make sure to go through that junk drawer if it's getting hard to close — you'll probably toss about 80% before starting the collection all over!

Choose your places

Where you put your stuff is personal, and you don't have to keep it in the standard spots. It goes where it makes sense to you.

For instance, we keep a lot of our kids' toys in our living room because they prefer to play near us. We pack it away in a toy chest so it's easy to clear the area for company. Library books and DVDs, too, have a home in our living room, so we can see what needs to be read and returned. Speaking of returns, we hang a bag inside on our doorknob and pop in anything that needs to go out the next time we make a trip to the car.

The baby's clothes are in my room, because that's where he sleeps. The big boys' clothes are in their room for the same reason. The art supplies are near the dining table, because that's where art projects happen.

Give thought to the functionality of your space. If you find it hard to put certain items away, consider if it's because they should be put away right where they end up, rather than somewhere more distant and inconvenient. Then seek a place for them in the right spot.

Get seasonal

One important way we've managed our meager coat and clothes closets is to apply the principles of rotation to them, too. If you live in a seasonal climate, you also have the benefit of storing away the items you're not currently using, freeing up space for the ones you are to fit nicely.

As the weather gets warm, I pack away winter coats, boots, and accessories. I box up clothes I know I won't be wearing for several months. I sort through the kids' clothes even more thoughtfully. I consider what size each child will likely be when this box is pulled from storage. Will any of my three boys be the size of this article of clothing I'm considering? If not, it goes into another pile. That could be a give-away pile if there's no one waiting in line to use it in the future (as with two-month-old Karsten's newborn clothes already — sob!), or it could be a separate box. Anything that's likely to be needed again at a specific time, I label with the season and year to pull it back out (e.g., "Fall 2015 Kid Clothes"), or if it's undetermined when it will be needed, I label it by size(s) contained therein (e.g., "2T and 3T Clothes"). Either label alerts me to get the box back out of storage at the appropriate time. (And by "me," I mean Sam, because he totally handles the storage unit.)

Clothes for the new season are then unboxed and put away. As this happens, anything that's out of place gets swept up. If it turns out a kid grew three feet since the last boxing (it seems like it these days!), a too-small size can be returned to a box or passed along appropriately. If there are larger sizes than needed, they also can be repacked for the next seasonal opportunity. If you come across clothing or accessories that are looking sad or that you or your kids just don't like, you can winnow these as you go. As your kids wear their clothes, keep an eye out for too-short sleeves and hems and cull those from the clean-laundry pile to put aside for the next boxing-up.

Tips for kids' clothes also apply to kids' gear. If you have baby gear, for instance, that you're not currently using, either store it for the next little one to come, loan it out for awhile, or pass it along for good if you're not going to use it.

I also recommend using storage space for life seasons. What I mean by that is storing anything that's not currently on your plate but that you'd like to get back to at some point. For instance, let's say you sew, but right now you're concentrating more on knitting. If you have a weensy crafting space, pack away your sewing supplies to leave room for your yarn and needles. Next time you want to sew, just pop over to storage and pull those boxes back out. The same is possible with any hobby, but also for decorations, clothing, and other supplies you'd like to rotate out. As I mentioned before, it can be a good testing ground for living without the items in question. If you don't miss them at all — sayonara. If, on the other hand, you need them again soon, they're still available, so it's a low-cost commitment to put them farther away from you for awhile as you decide.

Keep it up

Now that you have everything sorted and stashed, you need to maintain your beautifully tidy home. First step: Say no to more stuff. Everything you let into your life, you know now you have to do something with. Yuck. Why give yourself more work? Prioritize (there's that word again) your peace of mind over having a new thing. If you really, really need or want it, at least you'll have done the calculus of what this new possession will cost you in terms of space and time.

Second step: As things inevitably come in (it happens), keep things going out. Continually look with a critical eye on what remains. As you let things go, you'll feel more peace about letting other things find a new home, even items you once treasured. You'll realize you value the harmony more than the objects.

Third step: Have a process for moving things out that is easy on you. Set up collection spots that are easy to get to. These could be bins, bags, or boxes that sit in a closet or other hidden but accessible place. Ideas for categories (depending on your druthers): thrift-shop donations, hand-me-downs for friends' or relatives' kids, Freecycle give-aways (toiletries, cleaning supplies, plants, other things that thrift shops wouldn't take), items of some value to sell on eBay or Craigslist or at a consignment store or yard sale, items to take to your storage location (so you have a place to put the outgrown kids' clothes we were discussing or that random Christmas ornament you just found). Of course, you already have a recycling bin and trash can, so use those appropriately, too! And remember to keep emptying these collections when they get full (or before that). My very organized sister-in-law actually has a standing pickup with a thrift store in her area. Every three months (no, wait — was it every month? She is super-duper organized), they send out their truck and include her house in their schedule, and she always has a box to hand over. Having a deadline and an expectation like that could work wonders in motivating you to keep cleaning things out!

Fourth step: Continue to clear out your storage. Commit to going through a box a month, or whatever regular schedule seems doable to you. Bring a box of old, unused stuff back to your home and sort through it, getting yourself into a mood to purge as much as possible to clear up blissful space. Use your collection bins to re-sort what's inside.

A work in progress

As I said at the beginning, we're still implementing all of these ideals ourselves. We're especially working on getting our stuff down below maximum capacity for the space, so that there's more wiggle room for new things to flow in and out. (This is a lesson that came home to roost at Christmas, with an influx of new items that had no home.)

Give yourself time and compassion as you sort through your own feelings about letting go of so much stuff. Deal with an area you can live with making spare, and move out from there. You'll find that the more you declutter, the more good energy you feel, and it's contagious. You'll start seeing every area of your home as an opportunity to feel better and look cleaner.

And, speaking of clean, it really will make it so much easier. You can put things away in a jiffy when you know exactly where they go and when there's adequate space to place them there. It will be easier for family members (even the reluctant ones) to help you in tidying when the task is so straightforward. Plus, less stuff means less to put away in the first place! That will leave you more time to enjoy and admire your cozy, well-organized living space.

Photo credit: Jenni Waterloo

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Seven Tips for Decluttering with Your Clutterbug — Do you have a child with hoarder tendencies? Help them declutter before the Legos and stuffed animals take over your home. Charlie of Three Blind Wives, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, offers some expert advice.
Chores, Chores, Chores — Life Breath Present talks about how her family divides chores, and how Baby Boy joins in to keep their home clean and running smoothly.
Of Toddlers & Housework — Holly at Leaves of Lavender talks about some of the ways she lets her not-quite-3-year-old son help out around the house.
Whistling While We Work: On Kids and Chores — Dionna at Code Name: Mama realized recently that she often feel resentful when she carries more than her share of the household load. And so several weeks ago, she brought a laundry basket upstairs and had the kids start folding. Thus began a regular series of household responsibilities for her kids.
The 4-Day Laundry Plan — Becca at The Earthling's Handbook line-dries all of her laundry, including cloth diapers, and stays sane while also working full-time outside the home. She's sharing her tips!
Chores Don't Have To Be Drudgery — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how she gets the whole family motivated in the daily care and maintenance of maintaining a home. After all, chores do not have to be drudgery.
Morning Chores and Weekly Chores — Kellie at Our Mindful Life can get anything done, so long as she gets her morning chores - and her weekly chores - done!
A place for everything and everything in its place — Make it easy to tidy up by having just enough stuff for the space you have. Lauren at Hobo Mama talks about this goal in her own home and gives tips on how to achieve it in yours.
Cleaning With Essential Oils — What essential oils could add a boost to your cleaning routine? That Mama Gretchen has a round up of what you might like to consider!
Montessori-Inspired Sweeping Activities — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells how her children helped keep their house clean and shares ideas for Montessori-inspired sweeping activities.
9 Natural Cleaning Recipes for New Mamas — Dionna of Code Name: Mama, guest posting at Mama & Baby Love, shares recipes for safer, natural homemade cleaners that parents can make with ingredients they trust. Leave a comment on the post for a chance to win a copy of Homemade Cleaners - a book packed with tons of natural cleaner recipes!

Oil cleansing method for acne-prone skin

2014-09-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of the oil cleansing method, where you wash your face with … yup … oil? If you have acne or oily skin, you've probably shied away, assuming that adding oil wouldn't help at best and, at worst, would make you erupt into Mount Pimple.

But I have persistent adult acne, and I've been using oil cleansing for my face successfully for the past two years at least. It's a great way to get a deep clean that's safe, gentle, and natural, and it won't irritate or inflame your sensitive skin into breaking out.

There are simply some guidelines for choosing the right kinds of oils and procedures that will help your acne-prone skin without hurting it.

How does oil cleansing work?

It seems counterintuitive — put oil on my skin to get the oil out? But that's exactly right! As you cleanse, the fresh oil enters your pores and mixes with and dissolves the oil that's already there. Then, when you rinse, nearly all the oil — the stuff you put in, and the stuff that was there to begin with (along with any dirt, leftover cosmetics, or other yuckies) — easily washes away. It leaves you with skin that retains its natural moisture but not any excess gunk.

Compare it with a soap or detergent cleanser. Those break down the oils, too, but they strip your skin, fooling your oil production center into thinking, "Oh, noes! There's no oil left! Ramp up production, pronto!" And so it's an endless, tedious cycle: Over-oily skin, strip to squeaky dryness, skin becomes even oilier, repeat.

What oils work best on acne-prone skin?

I read about the different oils that are recommended and chose two that sounded least comedogenic. Since they've worked well for me, I haven't deviated. In other words, other oils could work, but these definitely do:

Jojoba oil (organic)

Castor oil (cold-pressed, cold-processed)

(Links are to the actual two brands I use!)

Castor oil is great for really deep cleansing those pores, particularly if you're prone to blackheads or other blockages. However, it can be drying if your skin's sensitive, so I mix with jojoba as a carrier oil to cut the intensity. Jojoba oil is an almost exact match for your skin's natural sebum, so it's very gentle on skin and won't clog pores. You can also use jojoba oil for hair conditioning, body moisturizing, lip balm, makeup removal, shaving prep and aftercare, and massage oil, so having a bottle will come in handy.

A good ratio to begin with is 25% castor oil with 75% jojoba oil. You can gradually increase the castor oil up to 75% if your skin doesn't react negatively along the way.

Other oils you can investigate include avocado, olive, argan, apricot, grapeseed, sunflower seed, and almond. I've heard enough horror stories of coconut oil and acne to steer clear of putting it on my face — for every one person who swears by it, there are five who say coconut oil (in all its various forms) made them break out a zillion times worse. If you experiment with any of these other oils, including coconut, let me know how they work for you!

How do you perform the oil cleansing method?

I do my oil cleansing in the shower, where the steam helps open the pores and makes the oil cleanse more effective. You can also do it at the sink.

Wet your face with warm water.
Pour the preferred amounts of each oil into the palm of your hand. I use just enough to fit easily in my palm and then cover my face. (Oil spreads easily, so I'm not sure of an exact amount.) I keep my two bottles of oil in the shower caddy so they're always at hand. There are some warnings to store oils in a cool, dry place so they don't mold, so it might be better to pre-mix a smaller amount in a separate bottle, then refill as needed. I haven't had a problem with storing them in the shower so far myself.
Smooth the oil over your face. I avoid the eye area in case of sensitivity. You can also wash your neck and chest with the oil if you'd like.
Grab a clean washcloth, get it wet with warm water, and squeeze it out until it's warm and damp. Drape it over your face. Leave it there for several moments, until it feels like it's cooling.
Continue your shower or other ablutions. I like to let the oil sit on my face as long as possible, so I don't rinse till the end, giving it plenty of time to penetrate and dissolve whatever's in my pores.
Before rinsing, re-wet and squeeze out the washcloth, and drape it over your face again. Again, let it sit for several moments as it steams your pores close-up.
Now rinse with warm water. I like to use the washcloth to gently rub down my face, pulling off the excess oil. Don't scrub harshly — just gently swipe. It's all right if a fine layer of clean oil remains behind; it will keep you helpfully moisturized.

This is the easiest, least time-consuming way I've found to oil cleanse. Yes, you do have to stand and breathe with a warm washcloth over your face for a little bit, but we can all use a washcloth-over-the-face break now and then, right? It doesn't take much more time than a conventional cleansing, and it feels so spa-like.

How often do you need an oil cleanse?

I use the oil cleansing method every time I shower, which is to say about twice a week. When I was first experimenting with the OCM, I tried it out twice a day, morning and night, the same way I used to wash my face with conventional cleanser. However, I find that washing my face with water only, or not washing it at all on the off days, works just as well as my previous methods of twice-daily cleansing! So I don't wash my face at all except in my showers, when I oil cleanse. Your mileage may vary, but you'd be surprised how little actual cleansing can be necessary to stay clean and keep your skin happy!

Note that there might be a transition period where your skin is oilier as your skin adapts from being daily stripped of oils to keeping the natural sebum intact. Give it at least a couple weeks for the oil production to regulate.

Will oil cleansing cure my acne?

It didn't for mine, but you can give it a try! I found my acne no worse with oil cleansing, so I'm happy enough with that. I'd been hoping it was a magic cure, but my acne's more powerful than that. If you have mild acne, or acne that's been specifically brought on by over-washing and using irritating chemicals, certainly using a gentler cleaning method like oil cleansing might help.

Personally, as I continue to refine my diet and keep my skincare as natural as possible, I still find I need some form of twice-daily acne treatment: either 2.5% benzoyl peroxide (see my post about this easy and inexpensive regimen) or a high-quality 5% salicylic acid (no relation to this company — I just like this product a lot). That said, I'm very satisfied with oil cleansing and love the smooth, clean feel of my skin after each cleanse!

Do you oil cleanse? What oils and methods do you prefer?

Hobo Mama, despite the professional-sounding name, is not a doctor of any kind. If you have concerns or questions about your skin health, please consult a medical professional of the non-hobo variety. If you want to double check with a dermatologist about anything in this article, please do!

Weaning during pregnancy

2014-05-09T12:09:00.002-07:00

Breastfeeding in very early pregnancy
during the photo shoot for my babywearing book

Since I was public about my decision to let my first child nurse through my pregnancy and tandem nurse, I want to be public about my decision this time around: I'm in the second trimester right now, and my nearly three-year-old second child has mostly weaned, with my guidance.

I chose to breastfeed Mikko through Alrik's pregnancy because, ahead of time, I saw no good reason to quit, and plenty of good ones to continue. Mikko, then three, was showing no signs of wanting to stop, and so many of his nutritional and emotional needs were being met through nursing. Plus, I knew tandem breastfeeding would help smooth his transition from an only child to a big brother of a much-younger sibling, and I'd always hoped for child-led weaning.

But then I actually did it. For plenty of those who try, the experience is bearable and even enjoyable. For me, and for many others, nursing during pregnancy and the resulting breast tenderness was very painful – very. My milk dried up by the end of the first trimester, taking away that benefit for Mikko (and leading to some very sad nights for both of us). And as much as I enjoyed the extra snuggliness and sharing of tandem nursing, I was wholly unprepared for an unwelcome side effect: nursing aversion, and how. I couldn't stand nursing Mikko for a long time, and put up with it long enough to move through it and out the other side to a gentle, mama-directed weaning just after he turned five. (Yep, even then, Mikko wasn't ready, but I was at that point.)

So why make a totally opposite decision with Alrik and this pregnancy? For one thing, I can. It was always my choice to continue nursing Mikko (not coercion on his part, too much guilt on mine, or external pressure from the dear fellow hippies I consort with — they were sympathetic and supportive in whatever choice I made). One reason we waited two and a half years to get pregnant with our third, even though I ain't getting any younger, was to give Alrik his chance to continue nursing.

For another, Alrik is a totally different child. Each one is, right? Unlike Mikko, Alrik eats a much more varied and extensive diet. I was less concerned about lack of breast milk stunting him nutritionally (not that I have a choice one way or the other — once again, my milk was gone by about 10 weeks). Though Alrik has loved nummies wholeheartedly, it's not quite the same all-consuming passion Mikko had. He's more easily distracted, which has meant he's been less likely to want to nurse in public, when things around him are more interesting. It's especially come in handy at night. Sam took the initiative early in Alrik's toddlerhood to figure out how to get him to bed without nursing to sleep, which meant less of a transition for all of us. It might also help that Alrik is slightly younger than Mikko was — only by about six months, but the bulk of his weaning happened during an agreeable two-year-old phase. Mikko was also a much less predictable sleeper, whereas Alrik at a younger age started going to sleep pretty easily and staying asleep till morning.

And probably the most obvious reason I chose differently this time is I know now what to expect, and I know it pretty much sucks for me to nurse through pregnancy and tandem nurse. People suggested it might be different this time, so I gave it a shot — but it wasn't, at least so far. I'm even willing to try tandem nursing again if Alrik's interested at that point, but I doubt I'd stick with it long if the nursing aversion strikes again.

So here's where we are now, and how we got here. Alrik still asks occasionally, every few days or so, for nummies, usually in the morning as he wakes up. He'll have a seconds-long session at one side or the other, rarely at both, and then be done. He doesn't seem upset that nursing is no longer in his daily life and is pretty chill about the whole thing. I have noticed he's sucking on his fingers a lot more, a trait I noticed in Mikko during his slow-down and weaning as well. This could be just a developmental phase, but I wonder if it's a comfort substitute.

Speaking of comfort, Alrik is super snuggly and loves to sit on laps, get hugs and kisses, and be attached to Sam and me throughout the day. (I'm trying to write this post with him on my lap….) It's in a very sweet and welcome way for all of us, so it's clear he's getting his emotional needs met still.

Since I knew my milk was likely to dry up during pregnancy, but I didn't know exactly when I'd get pregnant (or if I'd miscarry again), I didn't want to wean prematurely but did want to do what I could to prepare Alrik for the change. I hated the thought of him going super-strong and then having to stop cold turkey, abruptly, but I also didn't see a big advantage to making him slow down and stop months before it was relevant.

It turned out to happen pretty organically that I was getting a little tired of nursing him after he turned two, so I was using techniques of distraction and limiting in any case. Is it bad to admit I was getting tired of nursing a toddler? Well, it's the truth. I knew what was in store for us, and I think it was a way of emotionally preparing myself for the weaning to come. I was still sad to think of stopping nursing him, but I knew we could both be ultimately comfortable with the new situation.

In the end, I didn't do as much pre-pregnancy weaning preparation as I'd intended — I didn't talk much about the idea of weaning with Alrik, sort of putting it off. As we tried to get pregnant, I in fact let him nurse more, since I knew it would be ending soon. I tried to drink in those last weeks of closeness.

When I did become pregnant, I had a strong suspicion before I even tested due to the pain on nursing, that all-familiar pain. I kept up nursing at wake-up, during the day a few times, and at bedtime for a few weeks, but I started suggesting alternatives more and more often, as well as cutting the duration shorter — first with the day sessions, and then, with Sam's help, with the bedtime nursing. The last to go, as mentioned, has been the wake-up nursing, which was a regular thing for quite awhile and has gradually lessened and spaced out.

I won't say it was always easy, and there were times Sam and I were nervous that we'd failed, that Alrik was traumatized, that this was all going to be a disaster … and then it was fine. There were moments when Alrik would cry for nummies, or cry that he hadn't gotten as much time or milk as he'd wanted, or cry that I was evidently upset by the pain, but we were able to comfort him through, and he quickly adapted. When all was said and done, both Sam and I said to each other, "Wow, that was a lot easier than we thought it would be." It's kind of like any phase of child rearing, where you build it up in your mind as something that will never get better (e.g., potty learning, separation anxiety, etc.) — and then it does, and you wonder why you were so anxious.

Do I feel bad that I chose a (relatively) early weaning for Alrik but let Mikko nurse till age five? Sometimes, I do feel a bit regretful about that. But I'm a big believer in not "playing fair" with siblings, because you have to meet each kid where he is — there's no point in sticking doggedly by some blanket decision that doesn't work for the other child or for you any longer. Plus, I know logically that nearly three years of nursing is a generous amount by pretty much any standards — since I don't fault other mamas for choosing to wean when they need to, why should I beat myself up?

So there it is — a different choice this time, and the (fortunately) good way it's worked out so far. We'll see how much longer the occasional nursing persists (it's still painful, but I'm willing to deal), and whether he's interested in tandeming for a bit, but for now, we're content where we are.

Did you breastfeed through pregnancy or tandem nurse? Did you have to wean before or during a pregnancy, or would you choose to?

What I learned from a summer of not shaving

2013-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

Some of that is hair, and some is seaweed. Adjust your monitors for the brightness of my leg skin.

A few years back, I started seriously considering stopping shaving.

I started shaving in junior high. I was on the swim team and was mortified when we were doing our warmup stretches that I was the only girl sporting armpit hair. I tried cutting them with scissors —ouch! I tried tweezing — double ouch! I finally begged my mom to let me start in with a razor. She said, Fine, but remember: Once you start, you can't stop.

She was referring to the myth that hair grows in darker and thicker once you start shaving.

I thought, Fine by me! I don't want to stop.

For me at age 12 or 13, it was a coming of age as well as a cultural distinction. I lived in Berlin, and at the time very few German women shaved. I wanted to mark myself as an American among my American peers. I was fine with my German friends choosing differently, but I wanted to be sure I wasn't confused for anything but what I identified with.

Fast forward to now, when I'm part of this larger online network as well as various local groups of crunchy, hippie, feminist, counter-cultural parents, and I've found myself wondering if I now need to NOT shave to fit in. How the wheel turns, hey?

Why to question shaving

There are good reasons not to shave. For a practical one for busy moms, it takes less time. From a green perspective, you waste less water and pour fewer chemicals down the drain. From an economic one, you don't spend money on razors, gels, or other hair removal products and techniques.

My friend Jennifer has opened my eyes to an unsavory side of WHY women shave, and why we shave what we do — armpits, legs, pubic hair — we're infantilizing our natural women's bodies and making them once more prepubescent and hairless. Pretty weird once you think of it that way.

My shaving non-ritual

Since motherhood, I've been at best an indifferent shaver. I don't bother during the winter. I don't shave my bikini line unless and until I'm going swimming. I've been known to wait till my swimsuit is on and then see exactly where the line falls...

One downside of nearsightedness cured with glasses instead of contacts is that I'm pretty much blind in the shower. And legs are sooo far away. So I just kind of do some passes as I can, when I feel like it. If I miss a patch, I get it next time. Or the time after that. Whatever. For instance, that picture at the top? That's after shaving. I think I missed a whole leg.

I used to try home waxing and depilatories and have special razors and gels. Now I'm lucky if I'm in the shower with a little soap. I've frequently shaved dry as I'm about to run out the door in shorts.

So last summer I decided, This is it. I'm going to give it a real college try and NOT shave, at all.

What not shaving was like

It was freeing. I was surprised to feel as comfortable as I did with not shaving. Maybe it's because of my hippie sisters, who are always with me in spirit, and often in person, but I just didn't feel very awkward. Or maybe it's because I've never been a person people look to for grooming tips, so I was able to fly under the radar. I felt particularly daring showing off my hairy legs in shorts and swimsuit on a trip to Massachusetts, far from my crunchy cave of comfort, among people who don't understand or appreciate my sometimes counter-cultural ideals. I felt like I was making a statement. A quiet, hairy one.

No one bothered me about it. No one talked about or questioned my newly hirsute properties, not even Sam. I'm honestly not sure anyone noticed.

I saved time and energy. Showering became even easier when the question of "to shave or not to shave" was taken from me entirely.

I don't like how hair looks on my legs and pits. I was hoping I'd get used to it enough that I'd find it pretty. I hear some people say that about their hair. I've become more and more tolerant of other people's body hair, wherever it falls and on whichever gender, but I failed to embrace my own from an aesthetic standpoint. My skin is very pale, and my hair very dark. My leg hair grows sparsely in places, and thickest around my shins, where it ends up looking sort of like patchy black leg warmers. And my armpit hair — I thought maybe growing it out well past the stubble stage and letting it become loose and flowy and soft like my husband's would make it more appealing to me, but it turned out to be the opposite. It suddenly looked very manly to me, and I really didn't like it being part of me or catching sight of it when I'd raise my arm.

The wind blowing through leg hair is kind of tickly and kind of sweet and weird at the same time.

What not shaving taught me

In the end, I realized that shaving or not really was my choice, and not something being forced on me, though certainly the culture pressures women toward shaving, and that has had its effect on me in my unfamiliarity with and distaste for my own body hair as it grew in.

I've decided this summer that I'd rather shave again, in my own lazy way. Right now, looking down at my legs, I can see I've missed several clumps of long-ish hairs from the winter. That's correct: I just did my first shave of the summer, for the low tide visit in the photo. It's kind of like sheep shearing season, only in my shower.

Now that I know why I shave, and that I can choose not to, I feel more comfortable making the choice that looks more appealing to me and more in line with my gender choices within this culture.

I'll still, however, think it's weird that our culture has evolved to expect this from women, and I'll gladly stand up for the rights of anyone to refuse to remove body hair for whatever reasons. I'll also have to wonder what I'd teach a daughter about shaving — if I'd be as hesitant as my mom at letting her start. Probably so.

Do you shave or remove various body hair? What do you think about the cultural implications of your choice?

Why I wear makeup: A crunchy, feminist perspective

2013-06-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

Face "done."

Destany of They Are All of Me had a thought-provoking post on Natural Parents Network about why she's going naked.

Naked from makeup, that is.

I posted the link on my Facebook page and got some interesting reactions, from people who've been makeup-free for years to one commenter in particular who said she's "tired of being told every single thing in my life is something else I should feel guilty about. It's exhausting."

That prompted me to go ahead and write this post that's been simmering in my mind for awhile now: a defense of makeup from a crunchy feminist.

Every so often I'll see a blogger who makes a big deal about trying out not wearing makeup for a week or whatever, and I want to give them a slow sarcasti-clap. Because nearly universally these are gorgeous, young, clear-skinned people for whom makeup is just an added flourish, like a piece of ornate crown molding on an architecturally charming house. "Oh, you're 25 with skin as smooth as porcelain, and you skipped mascara for a few days? How brave you are!" (I'm kinda snarky in real life.)

Whereas: I have acne. And I'm not pretty. (No, no, don't feel guilty and awkward hearing me say that out loud. I understand symmetry and the golden ratio and know that not meeting those standards doesn't abrogate my self-worth. I'm actually quite self-confident. I'm kind of surprised I scored this high on a symmetry test, to be honest.) Makeup? Is a friend of mine. It's the companion who puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder and tells me it's ok to go out in public or meet with other people, even if (especially if) there will be cameras present.

Makeup-less at home — still happy and comfortable with family, but shiny and spotty

When I first broke out in full-blown adult acne at age 19, I was of the set that wore only mascara and lip gloss and a dusting of powder. It took me a year to realize I could start wearing foundation and concealer — whoa! What a change. I could finally stop imagining everyone staring at the red spots and scars all over my face and switch to wondering if they were criticizing how thick my makeup was. (Well, nothing's perfect.)

When my younger brother endured his own case of acne as a teen, I felt sad for him that he wasn't allowed by cultural constraints to cover it up! (When his acne cleared by his early twenties while mine continues unabated, I stopped feeling so sorry for him…)

The more I wore makeup, the more I enjoyed it. Particularly eye makeup: There's no acne on my eyelids. There's no reason I should have to paint my lids funny, bright, shimmery colors. But, you know, it's fun! I feel like an artist, decorating my own body. It's akin to tattoos and piercings (only washable).

And from this experience, there are a few conclusions I've drawn:

It's not anyone's business whether someone else wears makeup.

Unless it's a minor and you're that person's parent (and that's a whole other discussion), you're not in charge of what someone else does with her or his face. Just as it's unacceptable to tell someone to put makeup on, I find equally insidious the backhanded compliments like, "Oh, but you look just as pretty — prettier! — without makeup!" If someone said that to me, I wouldn't stop wearing makeup; I'd just feel as self-conscious with it on as without and I'd doubt that friendship, since clearly that person isn't all that accepting of me and my choices. Sometimes I'll have people tell me they don't like the look of makeup and then express surprise when they hear I wear a full face of it; I think sometimes people associate "wearing makeup" with a very specific and extreme look. Either, however, is the wearer's choice. And just because I give acne as a justification for wearing makeup, a skin disease is not a requirement. You can wear makeup because you like how it looks, or because it's culturally suggested, or because your job requires it, or because you're in witness protection, or because you're a clown wannabe, or just because. You don't have to have a good reason, even though I think a little self-reflection like this wouldn't hurt anyone.

It's not anyone's business whether someone else doesn't wear makeup.

I'm totally fine with the bare-faced look, from men or women. If you feel comfortable and happy without makeup, then be comfortable and happy. No one has the right to tell someone else that she (it's going to be a she, right?) has to put on some lipstick or blush to be acceptable. Even if she has acne, or whatever. I don't wear makeup at home, and there are days when my skin is clear enough that I feel comfortable going out makeup-less, and it's very freeing and lovely.

Makeup is a feminist issue … but also not.

Sometimes I think we're shortsighted in our views of makeup, because we're most aware of it as it exists now and in our culture. But makeup has a storied history throughout time and various cultures. It has not been exclusive to women. It has not been used solely to feminize. It has not been used solely to prettify (as with warrior makeup, which has the opposite intent). In 1700s Europe, it was unexceptional for both men and women in the well-born set to paint their faces. In the Victorian U.S., it was taboo for anyone respectable to do so (or, at least, to admit to it). So while I agree that makeup as it now is used is primarily for women to look prettier and presumably more sexually appealing, I embrace the longer and broader tradition of its use.

I reserve the right to change my mind.

Destany changed hers because of how her daughter was viewing her use of makeup. She didn't want to influence her daughter negatively about her self-image and value. I have two sons, but that's still perfectly sufficient reason not to want them growing up thinking women aren't satisfactory without a layer of obscuring paint. Right now, my sons just like to play around with my makeup, stealing my brushes and drawing on their hands with my eyeshadow. But as they grow, as I age, and as I continue to work on holistically healing my acne, I might find I want to diminish my use of cosmetics, the better to set forth a message of equality and inclusivity.

I don't believe makeup has to be exclusive to women.

If my sons want to experiment with makeup, I'll support them in that. I suspect I'll have similar restrictions with them as I would have with a daughter — the occasion and the age will affect what's allowed. If they're older, we'll also have to discuss how wearing makeup will affect how people view them, and whether that's their intention or not. Just as I would never tell a woman to wear or not wear makeup, I would never tell a man the same; it's not up to me. I realize that the current taboo on men wearing makeup is misogynist at its core — an unwillingness for males to be associated with feminine things.

With my makeup choices, I try to be kind to the environment and my skin.

I've purged my makeup collection of most of the cosmetic brands I bought when I was younger. I put together bags and gave them away on Freecycle — a grateful mama throwing a sleepover took one, for instance. (There's a whole conversation that could be had on teaching young girls to enjoy and use makeup; that said, I have so many fond memories of playing with makeup with my best friend, who now as a nun goes bare-faced.) I try to be circumspect in how much makeup I layer on, just so I don't feel embarrassed if people notice I'm wearing it. I'd rather people see me rather than the makeup. (I don't have a problem with people who choose differently, however.) I've chosen brands that fit better with my preferences for natural products.

What I wear

If anyone's interested, here are my favorites. I have very pale, pink-toned skin, so these are the shades that work well on me. This is in the order I apply them. I have no affiliations with any of the brands; I did receive a couple of the items as giveaway wins here and there, but I entered the giveaways because I already used the brands and liked them. I've tried to find affiliate links for specific products so you can check them out if you're interested. If you purchase through my links, I'll get a few pennies to put toward future frivolities. Or groceries. Whatever.

Foundation/base: Everyday Minerals in Matte — Fair. They keep messing with the formulations here, but I'm all right with this current incarnation for coverage and lack of shine. I like my Bare Escentuals Full Coverage Kabuki Brush for swirling this on.
Blush: This is to replace the color toned down by the base; c'est la vie. I find it's better to do blush before concealer. My favorites are Everyday Minerals in Apple for a subtle pink (discontinued; might show up on eBay sometime) and BareMinerals in First Class for a brighter pop, which I won in a giveaway. I use a BareMinerals Flawless Face Brush for this.
Concealer: Everyday Minerals in Mint if I have a lot of angry red to conceal. I use it sparingly, but the light green really does work to kill the color of a fresh blemish or scar. Otherwise, I skip to Everyday Minerals Concealer in Fair and dot it on with a BareMinerals synthetic concealer brush.
Powder: I find this helps set the concealer and even out any edges. I prefer the texture and shine coverage of Everyday Minerals Finishing Dust, though in the summer I tend to use a discontinued SPF-heavy powder called Natural Reflections that contains zinc oxide.
Eyeliner/eyeshadow: I often will just line my eyes with a small amount of eyeshadow and a BareMinerals eyeshadow brush or eyeliner brush. My favorite is a dusky, shimmery, multi-hued purple-brown called Laptop by Everyday Minerals that unfortunately is discontinued. You might be able to find it on eBay at some point, though.
Lipgloss: My lips are always dry, so I love lipgloss. I'm not as big a fan of balms. Around the house, I'll use petroleum jelly or Unpetroleum Jelly. (I prefer the real deal … shh.) When I go out, I have a tube of Burt's Bees tinted lipgloss in my pocket that I apply as needed. I like that it's not too sticky and that the shades are subtle.
Extras: I don't usually bother with mascara (my eyes are always watering, so it feels too dangerous, plus I don't like not being able to rub my eyes when they're itchy), but I did win a natural brand called Jing Ai that I like. I also always comb my eyebrows into place (with one of those small black school-photographer's combs), even if I'm not wearing any other makeup. Somehow, that makes my face instantly look more put together! For fancy situations, I'll throw on whatever lipstick or darker lipgloss I can find, and I might even brave the eyelash curler. I also have some sparkly lighter eyeshadow and highlight powder that I special-occasionally throw across my cheekbones and brow bones, just for the kick of it.

I swear, my daily routine takes all of five minutes to apply. I don't slave over my face.

Probably more makeup advice than anyone feels like taking from me, but I'll also point out to other pink-skinned lovelies interested in mineral makeup that I found Everyday Minerals to work better for me than BareMinerals, which seemed more neutral- or yellow-toned. I know Everyday Minerals will let you buy a really cheap sample kit so you can easily try out a selection of bases at home. BareMinerals has stores you can go to (including Ulta and Sephora) where you can try on the shades with help to pick the right one for you. I also found eBay a great place to find cheap samples of the shades. When you get a "sample" of a blush or eyeshadow, it can potentially last you indefinitely since a little goes a looong way with mineral makeup. I like using Makeup Alley reviews to help me choose among the options. There are a lot of other mineral makeup companies to check out as well, including several smaller businesses on Etsy and eBay. I buy makeup so rarely now that I use mineral makeup that I haven't had a chance to check them all out.

By the way, I used to be unconvinced at the necessity to spend good money on brushes — until I had the opportunity to try a nicer brand vs. the kind you can get at the drugstore. They're twice as soft, and they take up and distribute the minerals much more evenly, allowing you to use less. Even my two-year-old can tell how much softer the nice brush is; he'll recoil from the drugstore brand! Early snobbery… You can get brush kits for cheaper than buying them separately, or you can score them as add-ons in sample kits from the sites or eBay. You don't have to buy all the brushes available, either: I use the same brush for my base and powder, and you can make do with just one eye brush. Many brushes say they're for some specific purpose, but you can always fudge it if that's what you have on hand and it works!

So that's my take on makeup. What's yours? Do you wear makeup? Do you not? What message do you think it sends your children if you do or don't wear it?

And stay tuned for a post on shaving!

Policing politeness

2013-06-11T03:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the June 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting in Theory vs. in Reality

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants are sharing how their ideas and methods of parenting have changed.

Here's the danger of blogging: You find yourself doing something that you know you wrote against at some point before…

As Mikko's gotten older — he just turned six — I've found my laissez-faire attitude about his (lack of) manners shifting into appointing myself instead his own private Courtesy Cop. And I had this nagging suspicion — more than a suspicion — that at some point I had written a blog post all about how I don't coach my kids to say "please" and "thank you," that I just model it. Yet here I have been, whispering to him, or saying outright, "Remember to say 'thank you'!" or "That's not a very nice way to ask; what would be a better way?"

I didn't really want to write about this subject for the carnival, because — well, gee, how embarrassing! But let's delve in, shall we?

The past

Dropping the "say 'please'" script
Various excerpts from the post in the past:

We've gotten several compliments lately about how pleasant and agreeable our three-year-old is. He politely thanks people for giving him things. He always wants to help with whatever we're doing (whether it's helpful or not!). He gives affection freely and spontaneously, leaning over with an unexpected hug and "I love you, too, too, fweetie Mama" since I responded to his earlier "I love you"s with "I love you, too, sweetie." (The cute makes your teeth ache, doesn't it?)

…

We try not to (sometimes I slip up!) tell Mikko what to say to be socially acceptable. I never appreciated as a kid having something withheld until I remembered to "use the magic word" or being prompted with a whispered "Tell Grandma you love her!" It felt false to me, like a breach of manners rather than true sociability.

My theory — and it's not just my theory — is that humans are innately social creatures. They want to fit into their social group (their tribe). To specify this with children, children are always looking for ways they can cooperate within the social structure and model the behavior they see in older children and adults. This doesn't mean that every action they make is in line with what we want from them at all times. For one thing, we often don't want our babies acting like adults (trying to operate the lighter or turn on the stove). For another thing, they often miscalculate what is expected of them (not picking up on social cues and signals) or their own abilities to follow through (like being able to pour from a heavy pitcher). What it does mean is that, overall, barring anything that keeps them from taking part in the social group, children will act like little social scientists in finding their proper behavior within the group. They will observe what their elders are doing and try things out for themselves. They will self-correct if something they try goes badly. Of course, all of this takes time and repetition and is limited by their current developmental abilities, so they don't get it correct right away or every time. (And sometimes they simply choose their own unique paths!)

When it comes to manners, I don't teach Mikko how to be polite. I model it. (I hope!) I say "please" and "thank you," "excuse me" and "I'm sorry," to him, and to others in his presence. Despite not being "taught" manners, he has them, and he knows how to use them!

I remembered that Amber Strocel had disagreed with me in the comments, based on her slightly older child. Wouldn't you know — her daughter at the time is about the same age as Mikko now!

Here's her comment:

I don't require politeness with me, or with family members. And often, my kids come out with it and it's all sweetness and love and all that. But for my 5 1/2-year-old, in public, I sometimes ask her to say 'please' or 'thank you'. For example, if we take advantage of the free cookies at the store I ask her to say thank you to the person who gives it to her. Is it sincere? I don't know. But also, I'm not sure I particularly care.

She is beginning to reach an age where she's having her own social interactions with others, and I explain to her that saying certain things smooths the way. I don't withhold or make a big deal out of it. If she's feeling shy I'll say it for her. But she needs to understand how to operate, and sometimes that means that I explain it to her.

I wouldn't do the same thing with my 2-year-old, and I didn't do it with my daughter until she was old enough to feel comfortable talking to other adults in public. But I think it's all right to occasionally remind your kid what the polite thing to do would be - it makes others feel good, and it helps them to navigate the world. I don't think that every 'please', 'thank you' or 'sorry' I give is sincere, and so I'm OK with teaching some level of manners without complete heartfelt sincerity behind them.

And my response:

I agree, and I don't. Here's where I totally agree: I don't need every interaction to be from the heart. Plenty of times I say "thanks" when I'm handed a bill. Am I really thankful in such moments? Ha. I also agree that we need to help our kids navigate the world and the social scene around them. All I'm coming from is that as a child there was a lot of prompting that made me feel small and ashamed (even if unintended). Now that I'm a parent, I can see my parents just didn't want to be left hanging themselves and be thought impolite or that they were bad parents. But as a kid, I just thought, Oh, I screwed up again and forgot to say thanks to the cookie lady. OR, I was GOING to say thanks, and my mom beat me to the punch. You know? Whereas, if you as the mother just said, "Thanks so much!" to the cookie lady, smiling at her and your daughter in turn, that might be all the prompting she needs to remember her own thank you.

But, I can see where outright teaching would come in handy, too. When I was in junior high, I visited a family that ate much more formally than ours did. I could have used a crash course right there in proper table manners! As it was, I did my best to observe and mimic, but I'm thinking maybe it wouldn't be amiss to do a little manners clinic with slightly older children. Like, your 5-year-old might enjoy a fancy-schmancy dress-up party with her friends, where you all practice saying, "Please pass the tea, Mrs. Crumplebottom."

Maybe another thought for a child who needs some help in social situations would be to lean down and whisper in her ear, "I bet Grandma would like it if you said 'please' first" or "It looks like Grandpa needs a hug if you have one for him." Then no one else is hearing the teaching, which limits the shaming effect.

So there I sit, not being dogmatic about it but leaning more toward modeling vs. suggesting/prompting, even though I do it myself when I forget. :)

The present

So. Yeah. Anyway, I do this all the time now. And I haven't been feeling particularly bad about it, either. (Gasp.)

What happened to me seems to be what happened with Amber. My sweet little three-year-old whom adults could barely understand in any case, and for whom they made tons of allowances because he was so wee (well, relatively…), turned into a six-year-old who loves to take charge when we're out (and we're out a lot): at restaurants, in stores, at museums. He wants to be the one who orders the hot dog at the Costco counter (he'll shoo me away if I get too close); he wants to be the one to ask for a takeout box for our leftovers; he wants to pay for the stamps at the post office; he begs random shopkeepers for balloons and brochures.

Now, the upside for him is that he lives in a cuteness bubble.

So people are willing to kowtow to him a lot. They nod along as he talks up Club Penguin (his favorite online game). They offer him stickers (UPS is great for this, for instance). They add freebies onto his meal or into his shopping bag. As an example, we went to Krispy Kreme (I know! So healthy! So what!) for National Doughnut Day, because — free donuts! — and the woman behind the counter noticed him carrying his birthday balloons and asked about recent birthdays. She ended up giving both boys a free ice cream with Oreos on top, along with their free donuts. (Can we say sugar shock!) This sort of thing happens to Mikko all the time. That photo at the top? That's my suave dude being all casual about how everyone throws stuff at his feet.

And so…I want him to be polite about it. I want him to say "please" and ask nicely when he requests something reasonable or un-. I want him to say "thank you" and smile and act appropriately grateful when strangers strew him with their largesse.

I want him to because it's right, because it would hurt their feelings (I believe) if they go out of their way for him and he seems indifferent or, worse, irritable (this does happen, as when they give him the wrong color balloon, or not enough stickers). And since he sometimes asks nicely, and he sometimes says his thanks, but he sometimes does not, I as the parent mediator feel the deep-seated need to jump into the breach. When Mikko was younger, I felt OK speaking for him. As he gets older and sometimes doesn't just say nothing but says the wrong thing, I feel more of a desire for the right phrases to be coming out of his mouth as well as mine.

The future

Rereading my older article and thinking through this whole topic has brought me back around to my rather meandering response to Amber: that I agree and don't agree — with myself, both past and present.

I think, as Amber was saying, that there does come a point when children might need some coaching on how to get along more smoothly in situations — such as I desired for table manners. I think a little practicing and some playacting wouldn't come amiss. Maybe Mikko and I can have that formal tea party. I do find myself offering him scripts if he's going to approach a counter or employee on his own, making the manners just part of the overall message: "All right, wait until she's not busy and then say, 'Excuse me, I'd like a straw, please,' and then say 'thank you' when she hands it to you."

However, I've also been reconsidering how often I prompt for specific phrases, and how I'm going about it. Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy told me her family uses sign language — easy for the kids to understand, less obtrusive to others. I could also use German. I like the reminder I gave myself (ha) to whisper to the kids to make it less of a performance. Sometimes I feel like I'm saying, "Remember to say 'thank you'!" really obviously for the sole benefit of the other adult — so that person can hear what a proper grown-up I am, and what a good parent. That strikes me as pretty stupid. If the interaction is truly between my son and these other people, then I need to back out of it and let them have their connection. Or, if it's involving me, too, then I need to own it and just say my own thank-yous and leave Mikko to manage his own.

I have a sense I'm not done with thinking this through, so I'd love your perspectives as well. Do you prompt your children to be polite? Do you teach manners intentionally or let it develop — or not — organically?

P.S. Golly, I used to get a lot of discussion on posts! I miss those days. Although, to be fair, half the comments on that older post were from me. So I guess I can still do that: ramble on in my own comments. Have conversations just like this one with myself…

P.P.S. Mikko at three is a cutie.

P.P.P.S. In the same post, I write about how he helps willingly around the house and volunteers for chores. Um…yeah. Subject for a future take-back post?? The good news is, I also wrote that he was freely affectionate even though we never cajoled him to hug or kiss us — all of that is still true. Phew!

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

My little gastronomes — "I'll never cook a separate meal for my children," Maud at Awfully Chipper vowed before she had children; but things didn't turn out quite as she'd imagined.
Know Better, Do Better. Except When I Don't. — Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy was able to settle in her parenting choices before her children arrived, but that doesn't mean she always lives up to them.
Judgments Made Before Motherhood — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks back on her views of parents she came in contact with before she became a mother and how much her worldview of parenting has changed!
A Bend in The Road — Lyndsay at ourfeministplayschool writes about how her visions of homeschooling her son during the elementary school years have changed drastically in the last year - because HE wants to go to school.
I Wish Children Came with Instruction Manuals — While Dionna at Code Name: Mama loves reading about parenting, she's not found any one book that counts as an instruction manual. Every child is different, every family is different, every dynamic is different. No single parenting method or style is the be-all end-all. Still, wouldn't it be nice if parenting were like troubleshooting?
The Mistakes I've Made — Kate at Here Now Brown Cow laments the choices she made with her first child and explains how ditching her preconceived ideas on parenting is helping her to grow a happy family.
I Only Expected to Love... — Kellie at Our Mindful Life went into parenting expecting to not have all the answers. It turns out, she was right!
They See Me Wearin', They Hatin' — Erin Yuki at And Now, for Something Completely Different contemplates putting her babywearing aspirations into practice, and discussed how she deals with "babywearing haters."
Parenting Human Beings — Erika Gebhardt lists her parenting "mistakes," and the one concept that has revolutionized her parenting.
Doing it right: what I knew before I had kids... — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud, guest posting at Natural Parents Network realises that the number one game in town, when it comes to parenting, is judgement about doing it right. But "doing it right" looks different to everybody.
A synopsis of our reality as first time parents — Amanda at My Life in a Nut Shell summarizes the struggles she went through to get pregnant, and how her daughter's high needs paved the way for her and her husband to become natural parents.
Theory to Reality? — Jorje compares her original pre-kid ideas (some from her own childhood) to her personal parenting realities on MommaJorje.com.
The Princess Paradigm — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen had planned to raise her daughter in a sparkly, princess-free home, but in turn has found herself embracing the glitz.
Healthy Eating With Kids: Ideal vs. Real — Christy at Eco Journey In The Burbs had definite ideas about what healthy eating was going to look like in her family before she had kids. Little did she realize that her kids would have something to say about it.

How to deal with unwanted parenting advice — Tat at Mum in Search thought that dealing with unwanted parenting advice would be a breeze. It turned out to be one of her biggest challenges as a new mum.
How I trained my 43 month old in 89 days! — Becky at Old New Legacy used to mock sticker charts, until they became her best friend in the process of potty training.
My Double Life: Scheduling with Twins — Mercedes at Project Procrastinot was banging her head against the wall trying to keep up with the plan she made during pregnancy, until she let her babies lead the way.
Parenting in the land of compromise — As a holistic health geek trying to take care of her health issues naturally, Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama regrets that her needs sometimes get in the way of her children's needs.
Practice Makes Good, Not Perfect — Rachael at The Variegated Life comes to see that through practice, she just might already be the parent she wants to be.
3 Dangerous Myths about Parenting and Partnering: How to Free Yourself and Your Family — Sheila Pai at A Living Family shares in theory (blog) and reality (video) how she frees herself from 3 Dangerous Myths about Parenting and Partnering that can damage the connection, peace and love she seeks to nurture in her relationships with family and others.
5 Things I Thought MY Children Would Never Do — Luschka at Diary of a First Child largely laughs at herself and her previous misconceptions about things her children would or wouldn't do, or be allowed to do.
Policing politeness — Lauren at Hobo Mama rethinks a conviction she had about modeling vs. teaching her children about courtesy.
The Before and The After: Learning about Parenting — Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work reminisces about the perspective she held as a young adult working with children (and parents) . . . before she became a mother.
Parenting Beliefs: Becoming the Parent You Want to Be — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how we can make a mindful decision to become the parent we want to be. Decisions we make affect who we will become.
The Great Breastfeeding Debacle — In Lisa at The Squishable Baby's mind, breastfeeding would be easy.
What my daughter taught me about being a parent — Mrs Green asks, "Is it ever ok to lock your child in their bedroom?"
Sensory Box Fail! — Megan at The Boho Mama discovers that thoughtful sensory activities can sometimes lead to pasta in your bra and beans up your nose.
Montessori and My Children – Theory vs. Reality — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares her experiences with Montessori parenting and describes the results she sees in her now-adult children.
I Like The Mother I Am Now More Than The Mother I Intended To Be — Darcel at The Mahogany Way thought she would just give her kids the look and they would immediately fall in line.
How I Ended Up Like My Tiger Mom With Peaceful Parenting — Theek at The Laotian Commotion somehow ended up like her Tiger Mom, even though she purposely tried for the complete opposite as a peaceful parent.

On what parenting means

2013-06-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

We visited my family last fall, and while it was a good trip overall, there was one incident that really upset me.

We were heading downtown, so we drove to the train station. We had to take two cars because my parents had sold their minivan, but my parents drove both cars. (I don't know why that's significant; it just made me feel that little bit more powerless not to have control over my own transportation.)

Mikko does this thing on walks where he likes to bring random toys and other goodies, swearing up and down that, yes, he will carry them … and within minutes, guess what happens. He's slipping one thing into our pocket, suggesting another might go better into our backpack, or just blissfully and shamelessly asking us to please hold all his stuff so he can run ahead.

Today it was shoes. He emerged from Nana's backseat with one pair of Crocs on his feet, and another pair on his hands. This is actually true.

I was feeling short-tempered. "One pair of shoes," I ordered. "Please put the other shoes back into the car. We have to catch the train."

My mom was watching this and chimed in. "One pair of shoes," she echoed. "Your uncle is waiting for us." We were meeting my little brother downtown, though the timing was flexible.

Sam the peacemaker said, "Who cares? I'll carry them."

But I was feeling stubborn. "No. He always does this. We're going to be downtown all day, and I don't want to carry random crap." To Mikko, and feeling aggravated: "Put the extra shoes back in the car!"

Sam started to reason and negotiate with him. Usually, this would work and take just a few extra minutes.

But my mom stepped in. "1 - 2 - 3," she counted (as if Mikko knew what counting means in disciplinary terms!). She snatched the Crocs off his hands, opened the car door and threw them in, locked it with the key fob, and marched away without looking back. "There."

Mikko started wailing. My parents walked away from us toward the train. I looked back and forth from my son to my mother, trying to fathom what exactly had just happened.

We followed my parents toward the station, meeting up with them near the ticket kiosks. Mikko was dejected and still crying. I was … mad. I held a hurried whispered conversation with Sam about where my mom got off taking over the situation like that. We'd had incidents like this happen before where I hadn't said anything and regretted it, so I told Sam, "I need to say something." And I screwed up my courage and did.

"Mom," I said, trying to keep my stupid voice from breaking, "we were handling the situation. I don't appreciate it when you step in and take over like that. We're his parents, not you."

My mother gave this hardly a beat before she came back with her response: "Well, you sure don't act like the parent."

Well.

At this point, I was crying. I'm a crybaby. It is what it is. I couldn't trust myself to say anything more since I'd just be blubbering it, though I had plenty more to say.

We sat on the train platform in an awkward silence broken only by my hiccuping attempts to stem the tears and my mom's targeted complaining that we'd missed the train we wanted by about ten seconds. True enough, but since no one had looked at a schedule, it's not like we knew that at any point during the Crocs Incident.

I messaged some friends from Natural Parents Network, since I can type through tears even though I can't speak. They helped talk me down, and I knew Sam was supporting me.

But here's what I took away from that confrontation, in no particular order:

My mom doesn't like Mikko.
This one hits me the hardest. And it's perhaps too baldly stated to be entirely true. But I get this sense that he infuriates and frustrates her more than delights, and that saddens me. In my mind, there's nothing wrong with Mikko; he's just being a kid. She's the one who's missing out.

We disagree on what being a parent means.
To her, being a parent means being … well, I was going to use a bad word here, but let's just call it The Warden. Whereas I think being a parent means curbing that particular tendency. See, I was standing there during the Crocs deal not blameless and serene — I was pissy. I was ready to get into a shouting match with a five-year-old, and how stupid, over something so meaningless as a kid wanting to wear Crocs on his hands! Who cares! I should have just let it go. I look at moments like that to teach me to be less of a jerk and more laid-back, to stop counting the seconds till we miss a train and start enjoying the minutes we have to push elevator buttons with Croc-hands while we wait for the next one. My mom sees being a parent as being the person to be more the bad cop, to practice harder to lay down arbitrary rules (like, "No Crocs on hands in Boston!"). So while I am actually quite near her in practice, she wants me to be even more like that, and in spirit, too. I just can't agree with her on that one.

My mom thinks I'm a bad parent.
See above. This one stings as well. She won't talk with me about it openly, because that's not our way. Our family never talks about things openly. We're more the fester-and-maybe-forget sort. But I'll now know it's always in the back of her mind, how she thinks I suck at this parenting gig. I'm not sure how much I care about her opinion, but it does make me sad that she doesn't see the joy and connection in our family and concentrates instead on our perceived failings as disciplinarians.

When we got downtown, I delivered an abbreviated version of events to my brother and asked him if he'd really been waiting impatiently for us. "Um … no," he said. "It's just a few minutes for me to get here. I got here after you did." All the implied hurry was imaginary. I'd even realized after we drove from the house that I'd left the mei tai at home — how was Alrik going to nap without it? But we couldn't (!) turn around to go back for it, of course, which meant he spent the day in an unfamiliar borrowed stroller getting more and more tired but refusing to sleep until finally he crashed in my dad's arms, and Papa carried him home that way. So I had already been feeling stressed and rushed when we got to the train station. (Though I have to say it was cute watching them once Alrik zonked out.)

I had moments during the rest of this trip where I told myself, Well, that's it, then. I'm never visiting again. Of course, I won't stick to that. My parents are my parents, and we were all in the heat of the moment. Since we won't actually talk things out, I don't know if my mom was equally upset by the exchange, or just had her pride wounded that I called her on overstepping her grandparent bounds. I don't even know if she'll hold back in the future or keep on trying her best to salvage my wretched "parenting" with her own disciplinary tactics. All I know is I still feel crappy about the whole thing.

But there is one shining light through it all: I stood up for my son and for myself. Can I get a "heck, yeah"? Even though it worked out awfully between my mom and me, even though there was no resolution or meeting of the minds, I said my piece and she knows where I stand — or, at least, knows that where I stand is somewhere other than where she does. And I showed Mikko that I'll vouch for him, that I like him, even when I'm being a crab, and that I won't let other people boss him around.

I've considered for a long time whether to share this story, and this has sat in drafts for months. It was a pivotal parenting experience for me, but the older my parents and I get (and the less time I realize we have with each other), the more I wish and hope I could just enjoy them for who they are, and who I am in relationship with them — to be more fully honest without letting the confrontations sour the good experiences. Stuff like this really pains me, but at the same time, I know the way I look at it is just my one side, and I can be overly sensitive. My parents are good people, and I had a happy childhood, so why do they push all my buttons now? I think I still have a lot to unpack regarding myself, and that's why encounters like this feel so critical in shaping my own parenting. All this to say that this story might be more about my interpretations than my mom's intentions, but … I stand by my conclusions about the point of parenting, and I needed to write this out to finish processing.

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Roughhousing for wimps: 17 ideas for gentle physical play

2013-06-04T05:00:00.002-07:00

Play is essential for our children — it is their language. And rough play serves a purpose in releasing energy, reconnecting with caregivers, testing limits both physical and psychological, acting out scary scenarios in a safe way, and seizing some mastery in a world that frequently makes children feel out of control.

But what if you as the parent are not a roughhouser? What if physical and aggressive play turns you off? What if you worry that rough play will make one or more participants scared or that the roughhousing will go too far and turn into crying or injuries (perhaps from experience)?

Then what you need is some gentle rough play — that is, play that is still physical and active but feels manageable to you, with limits you're able to set and maintain.

So you know whereof I speak … I'm a wuss. I had an older brother who would have loved to play rough with me, but my response whenever I was even tapped by him was to scream and run to my parents. I flinched from balls that were thrown into my vicinity; I never took any kind of martial arts; the idea of ever ending up in a fist fight still fills me with horror. (Even in the best-case scenario, my knuckles would hurt so much!)

So you can understand how I felt when I was gifted with two boys who love to play drump. (Side note: When Mikko was little, he heard the phrase "play rough" in a song during an episode of Ni Hao, Kai-Lan {affiliate link of the actual episode} and sang it as "play drump," and we still love that word. He has no idea what we're talking about anymore, of course, but that doesn't dampen my enthusiasm. I like using it in the lyrics to "Somebody That I Used to Know": "And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so drump.")

Ahem … where was I? Oh, yes. I have two kids (and their dad) who have no problem with — and in fact have a great affinity for — roughhousing. What's a wimpy girl to do?

What I do is find easier, lighter ways to make the kids be really active that don't end up hurting me (or them). It still lets them get their antsies out and be assertive, but it feels better to me.

Here are seventeen ideas that work for us!

Safety message: As with any physical play, check out the surroundings and be aware of your own physical limitations. These games are intended for children — toddlers on up — old enough to have very good head and neck control and some measure of coordination. Try to keep acrobatic moves over soft surfaces and away from sharp, pointy objects. Follow your child's cues: Laughter is a good response; actual screaming is not. You know — use common sense!

Attack hug!

1. Tackling

This is a fun one to do as a surprise. If your child's sitting in a safe place, say on the edge of a bed or angled on a couch, yell "Tackle!" and then bowl your loved one over. You'll likely then have to repeat it, of course, and then be the one tackled — which is totally fine.

Sam does a variation on the beach where he's the bowling pins, and the boys are the balls. The sand cushions his fall.

2. Horsie rides

Get down on your hands and knees and give one or more kids an old-fashioned pony ride. This is easier on you if you're on carpet or grass. Let the kids direct you the way they would an actual horse, and make the appropriate horsey sounds for verisimilitude.

3. Upside-down

We play a game here called Upside-Down Boy, which is, as it sounds, when one of our boys is hung upside-down. I'll turn one of them over by their ankles or around their waist (whatever feels most secure at the mo) and say to Sam, "Have you seen [Name of Child]? All I see is this upside-down boy." Cue merry laughter from Upside-Down Boy as Sam and I futilely search for our missing son, all the while he's dangling from my arms.

4. Flips

Alrik's been honing his acrobatic moves. He's been very interested in somersaults on his own. I decided to give him a little help with a full-fledged flip. He sits in my lap, facing me. I hold his hands and flip him backwards, upside down and over, till he lands on his feet. Be cautious with the twisting motion of the arms and make sure you keep the movement controlled. But this is a fun little circus number!

5. Piggyback rides

Similar to horsie rides, but you get to stand up! Make sure there's lots of bouncing involved, and add to the fun by swerving or going up and down stairs. You can let your child lead you again, pretending you're a horse to command. Shoulder rides also work if you're outside or have high-enough ceilings.

6. Swinging around

I hear you're not supposed to swing your child around in a circle by the hands. Something about pulling their arms out of their sockets. Huh. Don't tell my kids; they don't know. But, ok, you can also do it holding them under the arms. Kids love it either way. Make sure you have a clear circumference.

7. Jumping up and down

Here's another one where you can take them by the hands or wrists or under their arms. Fly them up high, yelling, "Jump!" and then land them gently. They'll likely figure out quickly to bend their legs as if they're jumping, but you can remind them if not. This is a somewhat safer version of tossing a kid in the air, since you never let go, but it gives them the same stomach-dropping high. This one will wear you out, depending on how heavy your kid is, but it's a fun one. It's also a good way to get a recalcitrant child to go up stairs: "Jump!" a few steps at a time, and they'll forget why they didn't want you to carry them up. And the way to get them to come down the stairs? You guessed it: Let them jump into your arms from a higher step! "Flying" them down also works, where you wrap an arm around their waist and hold them in a Superman position. Go ahead: Ask me if I have a two-year-old who usually has to go up and down the multitude of stairs we have around here himself but takes for.ev.er. Yes. Yes, I do.

8. Obstacle course

Set up or designate a bunch of climbing activities in your home: stacks of couch cushions, back of an armchair, over a table, under a bed. Time your kids to see how fast they can make a circuit, or tell them the floor is hot lava and they have to stay up high, or just go free-form in using furniture completely inappropriately.

9. Dancing

Put on an up-tempo song, pop some dancing hats on (does your family not have dancing hats? Alrik started the tradition here), and boogie.

10. Foot dancing

For a variation to bring you closer, have your kids place their feet on top of yours as you dance around, or have one kid sit on each foot and grab around your calves as you try to drag them around the house like cute and heavy ankle weights.

11. Mountain climber

I used to love doing this with my own dad! While you're both standing facing each other, take a good hold of your kid's hands and let your little climber scale up your legs and stomach as if you're the mountain. Finish with a flip for extra credit.

12. Catch

Balls are great for physical play, and don't rule them out just because you're indoors. Particularly with younger toddlers and softer, smaller balls, you can usually get away with a gentle game of catch. This teaches hand-eye coordination, planning, and cooperation. But, also, it's fun, and kind of soothing. If pitches are getting wild, try rolling or kicking a ball instead.

13. Soft sword fights

One of the best things we inadvertently bought were these {affiliate link} inflatable swords as props for a pirate birthday party. Because they don't hurt, and they're light, and kids can really whack them around. They make for safe sword fighting, though since I still don't relish being beaned on the head repeatedly regardless of how light the object is, I generally have the kids whale on something that doesn't mind: like the bed or a chair. They can really take out their aggressive impulses, then, with no one crying at the end of it. We also have some foam swords that are similar (but a bit more damaging). Water balloons or shooters or a garden hose outdoors in the summer would also be a good use of safe weaponry if everyone's appropriately (un)attired.

Alrik showing us "Punch punch punch!"

14. Karate practice

Mikko's dying to take a karate class. In the meantime, he amuses us all with being the sensei and showing us moves in his own private dojo. I really, really want to get them all on video before he learns actual karate moves. We have a rule when practicing karate at home that we practice hits and kicks in the air or we hit something like a couch cushion that won't mind. We do also let the kids punch our open hands, like a boxing coach, when we're prepared for it.

15. Too heavy

This is the game where you pretend to be a terribly unreliable parent. You're holding your child on your hip and all of a sudden, "Oh, dear! You're just … too … heavy. My arms … are giving … out!" and you start to drop your precious cargo, then catch it again just in time. Then drop again, then catch. You can do it in a series of bounces to the floor: bounce, catch, bounce, catch, bounce, set down. Or you can drop your kid above a couch or bed and let go completely.

16. Squeezing

Jessica Cary has a game she and her daughter play where they squeeeeze each other tightly. This is a full-contact but low-impact way to release some physical and emotional energy.

17. Hug sandwiches

Along the same lines, Sam and I can't hug in our kids' presence anymore without having them join us for a hug sandwich. Name each child a different condiment, have you and you partner be the bread, and smoosh them all up.

To make a smooth transition out of rougher play if the kids are losing control of their bodies or emotions, it might help to taper down by going into something equally boisterous but not as physical: hide & seek, peekaboo, jumping out around corners, Simon Says, dance party. Then you can end the new game a little more easily. The key, I think, is to "Yes—and!" your kids as you wean them off the roughhousing. Be cheerful about the new opportunities you're offering: "Let's see how fast everyone can get undressed and into the bath!" or "Everyone pile on my lap while we read this new book from the library!" Or toss them into a piggyback ride to travel the new activity, like dumping them safely but goofily to bounce on the bed.

If it's not late in the day, you could move the silliness outdoors where they can continue to run and jump till they're nicely worn out. If you want to transition to something quieter like bedtime, continue to be silly while doing tasks like putting on jammies (try putting them on yourself first with comical grunting noises about how they don't fit) and brushing teeth (do it wrong a few times: "It goes in your ear, right? No? On your knee?"). Give lots of hugs and snuggles (and nursing, if you've got that in your toolbelt) as you continue the process of winding them down so that the physical contact is still there even as you slow down the pace and the noise.

I hope some of these ideas help you as you seek to be a more playful parent! I know my kids are teaching me daily how to let go and take myself a little less seriously!

What are your go-to ideas for pain-free roughhousing?

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If you'd like other ideas on bringing playfulness and creativity to your parenting, the Mindful Parenting eBundle has five resources specifically on the subject of creative play, as well as 17 other gentle parenting resources. For the incredible price of $24.95, each e-book is only $1.13 apiece!

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Freestyle paleo chocolate chip cookie dough dip

2013-03-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Festival of Food Carnival. In celebration of the tradition of Easter chocolates, we're sharing recipe ideas for healthier alternatives - sweets and treats featuring real cocoa. Hosted by Diary of a First Child and Hybrid Rasta Mama, you're welcome to join us next time, or if you have a previously published recipe you'd like to share, add it to the linky below.

You want to feel like a real cooking whiz? It's time to freestyle a recipe, and I'll show you just how with a simple and decadent dessert … that just happens to be relatively healthful as well!

For a naughty but non-guilty treat, I've been seesawing back and forth between two recipes: "Paleo Cookie Dough Bars" from Making the World Cuter and "Paleo-ized Monster Cookie Dough Dip" from Paleo Parents. I liked the ingredients and texture of the bars but the ease of eating it straight out of a bowl (what?). I began experimenting with different ingredients, additions, and subtractions, in a quest to find The One chocolate chip cookie dough recipe that could safely and deliciously be eaten raw. I also needed it to stay (as those recipes are) grain-free, dairy-free, and refined sugar-free. (Well, at one point I did experiment with butter, but it didn't make as much of an impact as I thought it might.)

Here's the thing: I've found my sweet spot. And I wanted to share it with you. Only …

I have no idea what any of the amounts are. I only know how I put it together to make it awesome-yumtastic. And — get ready for this — I dirty only one regular bowl and one regular soup spoon. Which I call a dishwashing win!

I decided that teaching you the free-flying way I assemble this dip is just as good — no, better! it's better! — than just a recipe. With measurements. And preciseness. Forget that! This is so much more: It's easy. And fast. And perfect for ~~lazy people~~ very special people with much more important things to do than something measly like reading the lines on a measuring cup. Pfft. (Those important things may or may not include shoveling cookie dough into their pieholes. And when I say "may not," I mean "definitely does.")

Let's get cooking, you rebels! Who's with me?

Ingredients

You'll want to just gather these to have on hand. Note: I will not be providing measurements, because we don't play that game. Fight the man!

Coconut oil
Raw honey
Vanilla extract
Coconut flour (optional)
Baking soda
Sea salt (optional)
Flaxseed meal (optional)
Chia seeds (optional)
Almond flour
Chocolate chips (I love the mini dairy-free Enjoy Life ones)
Walnuts or other yummy nuggets (optional)

Equipment needed

Soup bowl (microwave-safe)
Soup spoon

Woot! Fewer dishes to wash! I do realize that spoons and bowls can vary in size. Ours are what I like to call "normal." I use the bigger of our two meal spoon sizes, the ones intended for eating soup. I think you'll do fine even if your spoon's a little bigger or smaller as long as you keep all your "spoonfuls" the same relative size.

Allergy notes

Grain-free, gluten-free, refined sugar-free, dairy-free, egg-free, fish-free. (Well, I don't know: Did you want to know if this dip had seafood in it? Well, it doesn't.) Contains nuts for sure. Vegetarian, vegan.

Directions

Ready? Ok.

1. Scoop three heaping spoonfuls out of your coconut oil into the bowl. This is approximately 1/3 cup; I decided to determine how many spoonfuls 1/3 cup was for my spoon so I didn't have to wash the cup measure every time I wanted to make this recipe. I'm a lazy genius like that.

2. Push the remnants of the coconut oil off the spoon with your finger, and then rub it into your hands as a moisturizer. (Did I mention to wash your hands before starting this recipe? Sorry.)

3. Scoop two heaping spoonfuls of honey into the bowl. This is likely something like 1/4 cup. No guarantees.

4. Unless it's hot where you are, the coconut oil and honey will be solid at room temperature. So: Pop the bowl in the microwave for 11 seconds. If you're not a microwave user (weirdo) (just joking) then you can get a pot dirty (sob) and heat it on the stove, or warm it in a larger bowl of hot water. (As in, the way you'd gently warm a bottle of breastmilk.) The oil and honey don't have to be liquid, just liquid-er. You want them viscous enough to stir together. There can be some lumps.

5. Dribble some vanilla into the liquid-ish-ness and mix that in, too. What's a dribble, you ask? Well, definitely at least 2 teaspoons. But I love vanilla, so I do more like 1 Tablespoon.

6. Sprinkle some coconut flour on top. How much is "some"? Wow, you have a lot of questions. It's about 1 and 1/2 Tablespoons. If you don't have coconut flour, you can skip this step. I have it, and I love adding more coconut goodness.

7. Shake sea salt on top. I love salt, so I shake until I see shining little crystals on every part of the surface. If you don't love it so much, use less or skip it altogether. You can also use kosher salt, or whatever salt. I won't check.

8. Add a dash o' baking soda — no, you're not baking this, but it adds a little zing. You'll want approximately a teaspoon. Mix it all in.

9. If I'm feeling like some extra texture and nutrition, I'll also shake a little flaxseed meal or chia seeds into the mixture. This is your call.

10. Now the real fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants part! Start shaking almond flour into the goopy mess. It will likely end up being something like 1 1/2 cups total, but do a little at a time until it's the consistency you want. Plus, that makes it easier to stir without flinging flour over the sides of the bowl. Shake; stir. Shake; stir. You know you're done when it's the color and consistency of regular chocolate chip cookie dough. (And if you don't know what that's supposed to look like … um … guess?) You want to aim toward drying it out, because it will mush back together. Once you've got it where you want it, stop! And there's really no way to do this wrong. All of these ingredients, stirred together? It's foolproof yum.

11. Shake as many mini chocolate chips on top as you think you want. Stir them in. Add a few more. Because you can never have too much chocolate.

12. Stir in any walnuts or other add-ins. I'm rather a purist and like it best with just the chocolate chips, but options to add include walnuts, cashews, macadamia nuts, candies, raisins, dates, and so on.

To serve, you can either spread the mixture onto a baking sheet and chill, and then cut into bars. I do like it that way as well. But: That gets a baking sheet, and a knife, and ultimately a plate dirty. So I often just serve it as a dip.

And what I dip into it is the spoon. Which I then dip into my mouth.

Repeat.

Any amount you don't eat, refrigerate covered. Keep the spoon handy, though, so you can nibble as you need to. Ours last at most a couple days with two and a half people having at it — that's Sam, me, and Alrik if he spots its presence. (Yes, we tend to share a spoon. But you're allowed to get another spoon and/or bowl dirty if you'd feel more comfortable with that.)

Look at that! You made a whole dessert without measuring a thing the proper way! Julia Child would be so proud. Or scandalized. One of those. I'm going with proud.

Now go eat up your chocolatey-doughy goodness!

Please take a moment to visit the blogs of our other Festival of Food participants. The links in this list will be live by the end of the day, as participants are all in different time zones.

Got children who won't eat their fruit? On a healthy eating plan and yearning for something decadent? Mrs. Green's decadent avocado smoothie recipe ticks ALL the boxes! You can also find Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog.
Lindy at Poppy Soap Co. shares Delectable, Grain Free Chocolate Cookie Bites, a simple, savory cookie that you will not be able to resist. You can also find Lindy on Facebook.
Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares her favourite vegan chocolate cake recipe, perfect for when you've run out of eggs. Add some coconut oil for a taste extravaganza. You can also find Luschka on Facebook.
Sarah at Why Food Works shares Chocolate on Your Face (a mug cake, revisited), a recipe that yields batter you can use as a facial — or bake up into a healthier-than-normal mug cake, right in your microwave. You can also find Sarah on Facebook.
Angela at EarthMamas World shares one of her families favorite desserts, chocolate chia pudding. It is as easy as it is delicious! You can also find Angela on Facebook.
Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares the Easiest, Tastiest 5-Ingredient Chocolate Cake! This recipe literally takes minutes to throw together and is Gluten, Grain, and Dairy Free. You can also find Jennifer on Facebook.
Lauren at Hobo Mama has a simple cheater's way to make this decadent-tasting but guilt-free Freestyle Paleo Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and it dirties only one bowl and one spoon! You can also find Hobo Mama on Facebook.

Stay connected! Be sure to "Like" the Festival of Food Carnival Facebook page.

How to make wool dryer balls

2012-12-21T05:00:00.000-08:00

Wool dryer balls are some amazing balls of wool. For your dryer. Hence the name.

They take the place of dryer sheets or fabric softeners, and they do a really good job softening up clothes and cloth diapers safely and gently. If you play your cards right (i.e., scent your dryer balls with essential oils), they can even make your laundry smell pretty — and not chemical-y.

I've heard tell they can also cut drying time and reduce static. I haven't officially tested the drying time deal, and synthetics or overdried clothes will still spark a bit — but any static dissipates quickly, which is good enough for me. Some people complain that having balls romp around in your dryer is rather loud, but I seriously never notice any extra ruckus. Plus, these balls can be reused indefinitely, making them a green and frugal choice for any laundry-doer.

The great news? You can make wool dryer balls, tout de suite. And you can make them look and smell lovely, which means they make an awesome, easy, super-fast holiday gift for most any grown-up on your list.

I read a selection of tutorials before making my dryer balls, and my go-to tute is Anktangle's, but then I honed my craft and put my own little decorative spin on the idea, so I'll present my how-to here as well.

Materials

Wool yarn (100% wool; see caption below) — I recommend a cheaper plain yarn for the cores, and then decorative colors and textures for the outside
Essential oils (optional)
Socks
Washer & dryer (you can felt in a sink, but I don't recommend it)

Look for wool that says 100% wool and tells you to hand wash.
If the label says it's a special wool blend ("wool-ease") that can be machine washed,
your balls won't felt together. Sounds convenient for other projects, but not dryer balls.
Forget that noise.

You can also use wool roving or felting wool.
It comes either in clumps or as a yarn; I used the yarn kind.
Roving gives a softer look to the finished dryer balls
and can be a nice choice for combining colors
or mixing roving with regular yarn for textural interest.

Step by step

Wind a small core, about half the size of your finished balls (which will be approximately tennis-ball sized).

As I mentioned above, I recommend choosing a cheaper wool yarn for the cores. It doesn't matter what color it is, since the second half will cover it completely. I bought a jumbo skein of plain gray Fishermen's Wool and used it for all my cores.

When you get the core ball to the size you want,
wrap over the yarn end several times to secure.

Pop your little wool ball into a baby or toddler sock. I found that a little sock held the ball nice and snug, particularly if there's enough sock length to tie a knot above the ball. If that's not an option, fasten it closed tight to the ball using some cotton string.

Felt the cores.

It's easiest to felt in the washing machine and dryer, so that's how I'll explain it. Basically, you want to do everything you're not supposed to do to wool: Wash the balls in hot water, with regular detergent and plenty of agitation, and then dry them on high.

(To make sure your balls are really securely felted, you might want to put them through a couple wash and dry cycles, particularly when making the outer layer. But in the interests of saving resources, you can feel free to send them through with other laundry you're already washing — maybe one hot cycle alone or with diapers, and one warm with regular clothing.)

Felting in socks can leave lint on your balls.
(There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.)
For the cores, who cares? For the outers,
simply pick it off — or choose socks that match your balls!
(There's another sentence I didn't know was in me.)

Add essential oils (optional).

I found out through regular use that I don't care if my dryer balls are scentless — my laundry smells clean even if it doesn't smell anymore. But since I was giving a load of these balls as gifts to people who'd never used green laundry tools before, I wanted to make them as appealing as possible, but still safe and natural. So I got some essential oils in light and pleasing scents: grapefruit, sweet orange, and ylang ylang. I experimented and found they worked smashingly together: a few drops of each. The citrus scents gave a fresh splash of fragrance, and the ylang ylang added a gentle depth to the combination. Yes, I'm willing to pass on my secret recipe to you. You're welcome.

I decided to add essential oils both to the core and on top of the finished dryer balls — that way, I figured the scent might last longer. You'll want to tell any recipients that the scent will fade eventually but can easily be refreshed with essential oils of their choosing.

Wind the outer part of your ball around your core.

When you get to the size you want — a little bigger than a tennis ball — tuck or wrap the end up as tightly as you can, or thread a yarn needle and pull the end through some layers if needed.

This is where you can ask a young elf to help you.

Until he gets bored.

Give your wool dryer balls visual interest with colors and patterns (optional).

Using two strands of different colors adds stripy visual interest
and can give you another opportunity to use more expensive,
decorative yarns sparingly while filling out the bulk
with a cheaper plain yarn.

This technique I'm even more proud of.
I'm sure this started out of laziness, but I got the idea to wrap in discrete sections,
to give a criss-cross effect. I loved it so much I did the rest of my
dryer balls this way, and they turned out beautifully.
To accomplish this, wrap in one direction for awhile, then
switch to an entirely new direction, then switch again, and repeat.

Felt the balls again.

I found that women's socks worked perfectly to stabilize the full-sized balls (and you can see the baby/toddler socks holding additional cores). I tied knots as snug to the balls as I could. I had some qualms that the socks would stretch out or otherwise be harmed by the process, but besides losing a little interior lint (see above), all was well and they went back to normal afterward. Obviously, do not use wool socks for the felting, unless you want your socks to be part of the final product!

As a refresher on the felting: Wash on hot with detergent, and dry on high (still in the socks). Try to have some laundry to do (we're moms, right? "try" to have some laundry?) so you can throw them in with the laundry as well, so they all get an extra cycle or two to really clump up solidly. Then cross your fingers and remove the socks …

Admire your smooth finished dryer balls. Add another round of essential oils if desired.

A finished single-color ball.

These were some sloppy ones I made my first go.
I show this just to say that if your sock slips and you get a lump in the yarn,
just trim it off. The felting will hold the shape,
and no one will know. But, I found that using my
knotted sock technique prevented any lumps.
These crappy ones are still working fine, by the way,
but the ones I made as gifts are much prettier.

A finished woven-pattern ball.
I wish the photograph would show it more clearly.
It is a subtle effect since the felting softens the edges,
but the pattern is still much clearer in real life than in the photograph,
and it's really quite lovely.

Two-color balls with two strands of wool roving yarn.
You can see the texture is even more subtle with wool roving,
since it softens even more upon felting,
but the dual colors make the pattern show through the criss-cross stripes.
I was able to buy a larger bulk of the off-white roving
and add interest (and my recipients' favorite colors) with the colored roving.

Wool dryer balls for gift giving

I suggest giving your recipient three wool dryer balls of approximately tennis ball size, which is a good starter set. I chose a favorite color of each recipient plus a plain color (gray or off-white, and all the cores were gray, as mentioned). Then I made one ball the favorite color, one the plain color, and one a mix of both — voilà! — a coordinated set.

If your recipient is likely to be unfamiliar with wool dryer balls, include a note of instructions and enthusiasm, such as:

"I love wool dryer balls for my laundry! These are safe to be tossed into the dryer with any load and take the place of fabric softener or dryer sheets, saving you money and using fewer chemicals. The balls soften clothes and reduce static and drying time. (To reduce static further, toss in a ball of aluminum foil.) I've scented them with natural essential oils, and you can refresh them with the essential oils of your choice when the scent fades. I hope you enjoy wool dryer balls as much as I do!"

Wool dryer ball maintenance

To answer a few questions about the care and keeping of wool dryer balls, here goes:

Properly felted wool balls last a long, long time. Frankly, even sloppily wound ones do, as I discovered from my first attempts. I've had all mine for almost two years now, and they still look just as pretty. They get a bit fuzzier over time, and if that bothers you, you could always give them a shave and a haircut.
It's ok if a wool dryer ball sneaks into your washer. Felted balls — even very colorful ones — will not have their dyes run, and felted wool can't be harmed any more than it already has been (I say "harmed," but of course it was in a good cause!). They're also safe to use in the dryer on high or with whites, for the same reason.
Babies love 'em. Also pets. And it's safe to let your little ones play with them, so feel free to make a couple extra as stocking stuffers.
You can refresh the scent by dabbing another few drops of essential oils onto the balls and letting them sink in. Just to avoid potential oil transfer, I'd give it a day to soak into the yarn before using with laundry.
Are wool dryer balls actually that awesome? Yes. I was skeptical, but they truly are. I can't go back. I love seeing my beautiful balls staring at me when I open my dryer door. (And yet another unique sentence for me! I love writing about wool dryer balls.)

As a shout-out to my girl Amy, if you don't want to make dryer balls, why not buy them? Anktangle Creations has a selection on Etsy, and Amy can do custom orders if you crave a particular color. (I know, because I had her scout out yellow for Grandma; the yellow balls in the group shot at the top are from her.)

Do you use wool dryer balls? Do you have any tips for making them?

How to make your own baby leg warmers

2012-12-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

Amazon links are affiliate links.
Making your own baby leg warmers is fun and easy! It also can be super cheap yet customized to the tot's or parents' preferences, so baby leggings can make for a sweet homemade holiday gift.

All you need is a pair of women's knee socks (the bolder the pattern, the better, in my opinion!), a bit of thread and sewing know-how (but seriously not much at all!), and about ten minutes.

Why baby leg warmers?

Well, because they're awesome.

Need more specific reasons?

Cover those bared shins when pants hike up through babywearing or baby carrying.
Protect your crawler's little knees.
Streamline elimination communication and diaper changes by wearing just baby leggings and a shirt.
Punch up your baby's wardrobe with bright colors and fun patterns.
Use them as seasonal transitions to add a light layer under shorts or short sleeves.
Speaking of which, they work great as arm warmers, too, even for older kids and adults!

Materials

Women's knee socks. Men's are fine, too, though women's styles are usually more fun. I've made lovely baby legs from my old worn-out socks, since they tend to wear out in the pieces you'll be cutting off anyway (toes and heels). You can also find thrillingly cheap knee socks in department and discount stores, often themed for whatever holiday or season is upon us (and on clearance just after the fact, if you want to snap up some a year in advance). Thrift stores are another place to peek. I've made Alrik stripey orange-and-black leg warmers for Halloween and have a pair of googly-eyed reindeer socks with his name on it!
Thread

That's it! Oh, my!

Instructions

Here's the simple step-by-step!

Cut off the toes and heels. Save the rest of the foot portion for the bottom cuff.

The original top cuffs and length of the knee socks stay put.

If your socks have a strong pattern like stripes, try to cut evenly along them.

These were a pair of my favorite socks. I bought them in Cornwall, and the tag promised me they were "The Most Stripy Socks Ever!!" I was sold, and apparently loved them too much. I'm glad to give them second life!

Turn the foot portion into a cuff, right sides out (wrong sides together). Some socks don't have a strong inside and outside, but be sure the outsides are showing if yours do.

Pin the cuff around the bottom of the leg warmer. Make sure the raw edges line up along the top and right sides are still together and showing. (In other words, can you see the right sides out on the outside of the cuff and the legging itself?) Note that the top you're seeing is actually going to be inside the leg warmer. You might first hold it in place with your fingers and experimentally flip the cuff into place so you can see what the end product will look like — make sure stripes and patterns are lined up, and you're seeing what you want to see, on both leg warmers. It's a pain to take out stretch stitches if you goof! (Ask me how I know this…)

Sew a stretch stitch through the layers. Here's a no-duh, but I'll say it anyway: don't sew the legging closed! Sew around the outside in a circle, just below the edges. (It helps to take the extension off the arm of your sewing machine when sewing these little things.)

If your sewing machine doesn't have a stretch stitch, use a zigzag.

Zigzag the raw edges. I don't consider this mandatory, but I think it makes the interior neater and helps keep the sewing stronger through wash and wear.

Turn it right side out. Tug it all into shape and see what you think.

Try them on!

Here are my Halloween stylings on Alrik as a toddler.

Here are my old stripeys on Alrik at 6 months.
Aw! Remember when he had zero hair?

Buy some!

Not feeling crafty? Not to worry.

You can always purchase adorable styles as well! My favorite place to shop? The original BabyLegs, which I cannot stop collecting. They're addictive!

Do your little ones wear baby leg warmers? Have you made any yourself?

Activity-a-day Advent calendar for kids

2012-11-30T05:21:00.003-08:00

We've been inspired to create an action-based Advent calendar this year to count down the days to Christmas. I've made a list of (at least) 24 activities that would be fun little activities throughout the season, and Mikko will get to open one each day to find out what today's adventure is.

Choosing simple and fun connection activities each day has many benefits that more traditional calendars don't always possess:

Counting down "sleeps" to an important day like Christmas helps little ones manage the wait — and even learn numbers!

Choosing an activity can be a healthier treat for young kids than something sugary, and it doesn't clutter up your home the way 24 days of small toys or gifts would.

You can customize your activity calendar to match your family's preferences and schedules, including parties and events you already have planned.

Kids don't need the activity to be anything fancy: Snuggling with you to read a special book or toasting marshmallows over the fireplace can be just as special as a trip to meet Santa or going ice skating.

You can adapt the activities to fit particular ages and multiple kids.

The calendar

First your kids need something to open each day. There are so many options for calendars!

For the discount DIYers among you, you don't need to get super fancy. You could use a wide-mouthed jar filled with 24 scraps of paper; your kids reach in each day, pull out an activity, and hey presto! This does mean the activities will be sorted randomly, however, and I wanted to make sure some events fell on specific days, and that I could rearrange activities to suit my energy level, without Mikko cottoning on. You could even just have a simple stack of notecards that your kids turn over each day, or place each one inside a little envelope sealed with a holiday sticker.

Other options are 24 small gift boxes (perhaps even festively wrapped!), 24 little bags (paper lunch bags, thrift shop bags, plastic baggies, whatever you've got), or 24 other teensy containers. You could set up a display and number them, or do the randomizing thing by setting them all in a box or basket to be pulled out one by one.

You can also buy or make something much fancier and longer-lasting. If you want to decorate, you can buy an unfinished wood Advent tree with 24 doors, a cardboard calendar with drawers, or an MDF Advent calendar with a wide middle section for creating a scene.

If you want something ready-made or further craft inspiration, I was considering these options at Etsy, for instance (I've chosen to link to my pins in case the listings are removed so you can hopefully still see the images; the pins do link to the current listings): magnetic tins (love these!) to stick to the fridge or a baking sheet, mini cardboard boxes labeled with the days and hung as a set, clothespin tree for clipping notecards or envelopes, decorative cotton or simple muslin bags clipped onto clothespins and strung on a jute line across the mantel or shelf, decorated paper bags, or a wall hanging with pockets for each day.

But here's what we did, because we're like that. We went to Target and got this adorableness:

Fair Isle Wooden Advent Calendar
Yeah, I'm not proud of its provenance or entirely convinced of its longevity, but isn't it cuuuute?

I like that the numbers are nice and clear for little eyes, that the doors are easy to open, and that there's plenty of room inside each compartment for multiple treats if we decide to use it a different way in another year. We could cram in a little daily surprise for every member of our family!

The activities

Next mission: Come up with a few more than 24 things to do this holiday season! (That leaves extras in case an event gets canceled or life gets in the way of one or more ideas.)

Here's my list, subject to revision as necessary:

See the reindeer at a local plant nursery
Walk along the Green Lake luminaria
See the gingerbread houses in the hotel downtown
Hear the caroling Christmas Ships on the beach
Put out our boots for St. Nicholas on December 5 for Nikolaustag
Make our painted ornament craft (I have a little kit; Truth in the Tinsel offers a $3.99 download of printable ornaments to decorate and hang)
Shop for presents for Sam and Alrik (Mikko has very specific ideas of what they absolutely need this year, and I won't spoil the surprise by spilling it here yet!)
Make presents for the grandparents (Every year we make an easy art coaster for Granddad, and this year Grandma's getting a bead necklace in her favorite color — yellow. I'm sure we can come up with something for Nana and Papa, too, and could expand this to separate days.)
Wrap presents
Buy presents for a giving tree
Shop for donations to give the local food pantry and WestSide Baby
Read a winter or holiday book (I'll make this more specific as we check some good ones out of the library and find the holiday-themed ones we have on our shelf right now; this also can cover several days' worth of activities and is a good, low-key task for stay-at-home days. Obviously it will include How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and the hedgehog-themed board book The Hat, by Jan Brett, for Alrik, and Very, Very Fine has prompted us to check When Winter Comes out of the library already.)
Build a fire in the fireplace. Roasting marshmallows optional but encouraged!
Watch The Muppet Christmas Carol (our hands-down favorite family Christmas movie; other DVD/streaming options we'll consider are Elf and Rifftrax: Live Christmas Shorts-Stravaganza!, which has sarcastic enough voiceovers to tickle Sam's and my funnybone while having wholesome, innocent 1940s-1950s short films that Mikko enjoys at face value)
Conduct the model train downtown (for a donation fee, kids can help steer; if I'm feeling cheap, we'll just enjoy the bus trip there to view it)
Walk to Tully's for hot chocolate
Read the Christmas story in our Storybook Bible
Get our pictures taken with Santa (He visits a children's store in our neighborhood business district, and you can take photos with your own camera for a suggested donation to a local charity.)
Put up the Christmas decorations
Buy and decorate a Christmas tree (this could cover two days depending on timing)
Make adorable handprint snowmen ornaments to keep and give away
Bake cookies or other holiday treats
Bake bread wreaths and leave them outside our neighbors' doors in our building with handwritten notes
Build and decorate gingerbread houses
Make Christmas cards for our loved ones (or at least a few of them!)
Sing and play "Jingle Bells," "Frosty the Snowman," and other favorite songs (I'll take the keyboard accompaniment, and the boys can go wild on our percussion instruments)
Attend The Nutcracker ballet (we're going with a group; I'll prepare by watching the Prima Princessa DVD with Mikko again beforehand)
Celebrate the first day of Hanukkah
Attend a Polar Express Party
Go ice skating downtown
Head into the mountains for some snow and sledding (if I get brave enough to deal with chains on our tires!)
Commemorate the Winter Solstice (Light LED candles and a warm fire plus learn a little about the solar system.)
Go to a church Christmas potluck
Write a holiday message and draw handmade cards for our sponsored children (through World Vision)
Buy a toy or stuffed animal for a toy drive (Ikea has a bin for Toys for Tots, and I know many other shops have similar collections this time of year)

I plan to write them all out on little pieces of paper, place the ones that are pre-planned into the days where they belong, and reserve the others in a secret hidey-hole known only to me. Then each night I'll peek at what activities are left and choose a doable one for the next day. Many of these I can save to reuse next year as we continue our traditions.

Here's hoping we all have a fun-filled, adventurous, inspirational, and connection-centric Christmas season!

More inspirations for Advent calendars:

"Kid-friendly Advent calendar ideas" — my post last year with a host of other suggestions for ways to count down the days!
Truth in the Tinsel — Advent ebook with an ornament craft and Christmas story reading for each day. {Use code HOBO for 20% off!}
"Advent Calendar Day 7" — Example of an activity at Run DMT, one of my original inspirations for an activity calendar
"30+ Ideas for Activities Advent Calendars" — More inspiration courtesy of Code Name: Mama
"Advent Adventure Calendar" — Monkey Butt Junction's plan this year, my most recent kick in the pants to try out this idea!
"A Season of Connection" — Tired of an Elf on the Shelf reporting spying on naughty things? True Confessions of a Real Mommy has a connection Grinch instead! Plus, she offers a calendar of how to celebrate all the holidays. Wonderful ways to grow closer all season.

What do you do to count down the sleeps to your holidays? Have you tried an activity-a-day calendar before? What are your ideas for activities?

Tweet It!

Maternal ambivalence … and why it's ok

2012-11-27T05:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Taboo Carnival. Our topic this Fall is I LOVE YOU BUT I DON’T ALWAYS LIKE YOU!

This post was written for inclusion in the quarterly Taboo Carnival hosted by Momma Jorje and Hybrid Rasta Mama. This month our participants reflect on the concept of loving versus liking our children and their behaviors. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Ever want to sing a lullaby like this to soothe your kids to sleep?

Naughty Baby

Baby, baby, naughty baby,
Hush, you squalling thing, I say.
Peace this moment, peace, or maybe
Bonaparte will pass this way.

Baby, baby, he's a giant,
Tall and black as Rouen steeple,
And he breakfasts, dines, rely on't,
Every day on naughty people.

Baby, baby, if he hears you
As he gallops past the house,
Limb from limb at once he'll tear you,
Just as pussy tears a mouse.

And he'll beat you, beat you, beat you,
And he'll beat you into pap,
And he'll eat you, eat you, eat you,
Every morsel snap, snap, snap.

— From The Annotated Mother Goose

Night-night, kids!

Just after Alrik's birth, I read a weighty book called Mother Nature: Maternal Instincts and How They Shape the Human Species, by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, an anthropologist who goes through the experience of motherhood as witnessed across the world and various cultures, across history and a variety of time periods, and even across species. (Some species are much more what we would term "maternal" than are humans — and some are shockingly not. At least you've never tried to eat your babies, right?)

It was an interesting book to have chosen during my postpartum period, because the text is often dark and disturbing — an unflinching look at how mothers don't always live up to what we've decided (as modern Western humans) is their "nature."

That is, we as mothers are not always — stop me if you disagree — self-sacrificial, nurturing, long-suffering, pure, and single-minded in the care of our young. We are much, much more nuanced than that — and we have to include the dark parts of ourselves (or, simply, the human parts — and animal parts!) when discussing what motherhood truly looks like.

San Bushmen: mother & child

Mother Nature gives a more balanced view of motherhood as practiced in reality in many environments. The !Kung people — bushmen or hunter-gatherers who have exhibited a high level of attachment parenting (babywearing, long-term breastfeeding for three or so years, cosleeping, unassisted birth, etc.) and whom I discussed in my review of Our Babies, Ourselves — might be the "ideal" for how to raise babies, but they are not the only option for how human mothers have historically or presently cared for children.

While we might aspire to have the perfect maternal nature (we might; we might not), we have to acknowledge this salient truth: What babies need and what mothers need or want can be in conflict. Mothers don't always live up to the ideals of "maternal nature."

Here are my takeaway lessons from the book as it relates to my mothering:

Babies expect attachment parenting.

This isn't debatable. Biologically and historically, human babies have been programmed to expect long periods of attachment to nurturing caregivers. Human infants are weak, with big heads and helpless bodies; they have voracious appetites and little in the way of communicating distress besides screaming. They do best when kept close to caregivers, particularly and regularly a lactating one.

It's not always feasible or desirable to practice attachment parenting at every second.

It just isn't. There are times when I need (or want, or selfishly choose) to go to the bathroom to relieve a bursting bladder despite the fact that my baby would rather I stay put and continue to nurse. There are times when my back or my hips ache too much for babywearing, and I pop out the stroller or hand the baby over to dad. There are moments when my kid's screaming makes me want to scream in return, and so I either do, or I leave the room. And that's not even factoring in the challenges of parenting if you or your kids need extra assistance for health or other reasons. We do only what we can, with what strength and support we have.

Our culture is not set up for attachment parenting.

The !Kung have a whole tribe of people expecting and encouraging attachment practices. They even have the advantage of not wearing a lot of clothes and therefore not having to seek out specialized nursing wear! We have a lot set up against us from the start, with little outside support in terms of co-parents and alloparents and a lot of cultural weight against breastfeeding and cosleeping and babywearing and gentle discipline.

So when we fail to be the perfect mother? Well, yeah. Who could be?

And that's ok. Being the mother you are is ok.

Most of us are not teetering on the edge of doing gross harm or negligence to our babies (as some babies have unfortunately experienced); most of us deeply love our children and want to do right by them — but are regularly frazzled and lonely and tested and trying our best to hold it together and give our kids a good childhood despite the obstacles. That kind of mothering — even with your feelings of guilt, regret, annoyance, and, yes, ambivalence — does not mark any of us as some sort of unfeeling monster. It marks you as human.

When Mikko was a baby, he was what is termed "high-needs." Or, as we knew it, "screams-a-lot." We couldn't put him down. He breastfed constantly. He cried about anything and everything.

We loved him, but it was exhausting.

There were moments when I thought we'd ruined our lives by bringing this baby into our house.

Fast forward to Alrik, a much calmer infant. And yet, I saw how he affected the dynamic between us and our older child. I saw how he brought renewed stress to our family life. I had the same thoughts again: Had we ruined everything by adding this new baby?

And as our children grow, there are moments when Mikko makes me so mad I feel entirely irrational. How can he be so frustrating? How can I want to kiss him and kill him in the same day?

There are times when gentle discipline seems so out of reach that I simply have to walk away. (Stomp away, more like.)

I wish I could be perfect. I wish I could be this fully idealized Mother.

Eh … maybe not. She sounds kind of snooty and boring.

Reading books like Mother Nature, which give me a glimpse into how much worse motherhood can be (as well as, collectively, how much better), don't give me an excuse to behave badly or ignore my children's needs — but they do give me a bit of grace as I reach toward more respectful parenting, and yet forgive myself for the ways I daily fall short.

We're not raising ideal children, after all — we're humans raising humans, some of whom one day will also raise children. The best we can do is keep giving what model we can of respectful parenting — and being honest with the ways our own wants and needs interfere, and the choices we need to make. We model circling back again and again to loving our children, even at those times we might not like them.

And if you need to blow off some steam? Sing that lullaby to them!

Yeah, I'll keep 'em.
Here's hoping they keep me, hey?

Photo Credit: Bushman - mother & child - Ghanzi, Botswana, by Petr Kosina, on Flickr

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Visit Momma Jorje and Hybrid Rasta Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Taboo Carnival! Enjoy the posts from this month’s Carnival participants!

Love vs Like: How to Deal With Not Liking Your Kid — Amy at Presence Parenting explores an approach to loving what we dislike the most about our kids.
Maternal ambivalence … and why it's ok — Lauren at Hobo Mama discusses how we can't live up to the "maternal ideal" as much as we — and our babies — might want us to.
Miracles into Monsters and Back Again — Amy W at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work processes the pain and hidden beauty of a gentle mother's greatest weakness - when little miracles act like little monsters!
When Mothers Love But Don’t Like Their Children — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama muses on the deeper meaning behind loving but not liking one's child. She argues that a mother never stops loving or liking her child. In fact, the dislike is rooted in the behavior and not the person.

Learning to Like and Love — JeninCanada at Fat and Not Afraid divulges the long journey it's been to learn to love, then like, her son.
How Do You Like Yourself? — Destany at They Are All of Me writes about teaching her children likability.
You Can Love Someone and Not Like What They Do — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children reminds herself, just as she reminds her children, that unconditional love is not dependent on liking what a person does.
I hated my three year old — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about how much trouble she had dealing with her 3 year old.
I love her, but... GRR — Jorje of Momma Jorje vents a bit about annoying behavior, but loves her children... even when they drive her nuts!

Your body is beautiful now

2012-10-26T05:00:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the October edition of Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Body Awareness.

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting. This month our participants are sharing how they actively influence their children's body awareness and how they experience their own! Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

Your body is beautiful now.

Yes, that body in the mirror — the body under the eyes that scan these lines.

The body you feel weighted in your chair or clicking the mouse or holding your phone.

That body with the marks of babies gestated or born or breastfed, with the signs of the years you've spent on this planet, with the pounds you've collected or dispersed, that body with scars from falling down — and getting back up.

That body is beautiful now.

Not yesterday or a decade ago … when you looked a certain way, when your hair was a certain length, when your boobs were perky, when your waist was a boastable circumference, before time or disability took a toll, before stretchmarks gave you a story to tell.

Not tomorrow or a decade from now … when you'll theoretically change your shape, when you'll lose the pregnancy weight, when you'll get your hair and nails done, when you'll have surgery to correct something wrong only you see.

No, today. Your body is beautiful now.

Your skin (no matter the texture or tone), your hair (on any hair day), your belly (round or flat or bumpy), your thighs (yes!), your feet (big or small). Your body, all of you, is lovely.

It sways in its invisible wind of grandeur. It grounds with invisible roots to the earth. It reaches with invisible rays of "I am human — I am here — I am worthy" to all who see your smile.

You are beautiful now.

You deserve to be dressed with care and respect. You deserve to flash yourself a thumbs up when you pass your reflection. You deserve to take care of who you are, to eat the food that nourishes you, to move your body in ways that feel good to you, to lick your lips as you devour a treat, to sashay your hips in an outfit that reveals … YOU.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who honor you, who see your beauty — not the hidden beauty, not the potential beauty — the beauty now, right here, staring them in the face and stunning them with its radiance.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to love yourself.

Your body is beautiful now. You are beautiful, inside and out.

Visit Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Skin Color and the Mixed Race Child - As a mother of a mixed race child whose skin tone falls between her mother and father’s, Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama tackles the tough question of “is my skin light or dark mama?” You can also find Hybrid Rasta Mama on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Know Your Body - Momma Jorje shares one way she encourages body awareness and autonomy in her children. You can also follow Momma Jorje on Facebook.

Fat is Just a Word - Laura tries to actively debunk the negative connotations of the word 'fat' after a shocking discovery, on Authentic Parenting. You can also find Authentic Parenting on Facebook and Twitter.

Your Body is Beautiful Now - Lauren at Hobo Mama offers your body a love poem. You can also find Hobo Mama on Facebook and Twitter.

Does Your Daughter Feel Beautiful - DeAnna L’am of Red Moon School of Empowerment for Women and Girls writes about how Moms can model self acceptance and a strong body image for their daughters.

6 Ways for Children to Learn about Their Body - Ariadne is sharing calming yoga games, art activities and other wonderful ways for children to learn about their body over at the Positive Parenting Connection. You can also find more peaceful, positive parenting ideas and resources on the Positive Parenting Connection community Facebook page.

Photo Credit: Upside Down Frown by Bruce W Martin II, on Flickr

No-chafing options for skirts: The pettipants search begins

2012-09-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

[Updated 2016 with most current listings and what I have tried and loved.]

I want to buy pettipants or bloomers or pantaloons or something similar: like divided slips or long-legged underwear. I feel like I've entered the nineteenth century admitting such.

You see, I have this problem where I want to throw on a light skirt or summery dress … but then my inner thighs rub together when I walk. I know I'm not the only one with this problem, but it's hard to find a solution!

Some ideas I've heard to halt the chafe:

Let me just get this unhelpful one out of the way: Lose weight. Even assuming this was possible or sustainable, it's not a viable solution, because no matter what weight I've been as an adult, my thighs are just built to touch! I honestly didn't realize for many years that some women had thighs that didn't touch when they walked; it didn't seem anatomically possible to me. Secondly, I never think it's a useful idea to dress a body you don't have (even in your mind), when there's a perfectly good body you have that you could dress instead! Everyone deserves to have comfortable, appealing, and functional clothing, regardless of size or body shape.
Wear pantyhose or tights. This is what I usually resort to, but (a) this is unpleasant and should be unnecessary in warm weather, (b) I have trouble finding tights and hose that fit my height plus weight (they often droop in the crotch, which doesn't help the problem at all!), (c) this does not make me want to wear skirts and dresses (quite the contrary).
Wear pantyhose with the legs cut off. This was my go-to solution for years, but I still had to wear a slip because otherwise my skirts catch and ride up on the hose fabric, which means the idea of "throwing on" a skirt is nil since I now have a required four layers (counting undies). And as I've said, I've lately had trouble finding hose that fit. All the larger sizes seem to think you want to be as stuffed as a sausage in casing. Control top can go and die a fiery death.
Wear bike shorts. This also requires wearing a slip over but is an option if you can find some that fit. I used to have a comfortable cotton pair and am not sure where they got to — though they probably don't fit anymore, anyway.
Wear regular shorts. Too bulky.
Wear boy-cut panties or boxers. I haven't found any women's styles that don't ride up, rendering them useless for chafing purposes.
Wear men's boxers or boxer briefs if you can find a size that fits snugly on you. (If you were really petite, you could even try boys' sizes.) I might try this at some point by purloining a pair of Sam's. Men's undies tend to be cheaper than anything specialized I could buy, so there's a plus!
Wear footless leggings. I endorse this for those who can carry it off. However, in the summer leggings are still hot, and my skirts catch and ride up on them. In the winter, I have to wear shoes (not sandals), and that means I have to wear substantial socks, for I have wuss feet. I don't think that really works with leggings. I can pull off the look with boots (and knee-highs) over leggings, but sometimes I want to wear shoes. UPDATED: Tara adds the idea of shortening a pair of footless leggings for summer wear.
Wear a thigh-length girdle. I can't stand control-top pantyhose. I think a girdle is out. UPDATED: Organic Patchwork says Spanx are bearable.
Wear a running skirt (which is actually a skort) underneath. Running skirts (which can serve a double purpose, obviously) are super cute and are a short skirt attached over a pair of tight-fitting bike shorts. I even found one in my closet that I forgot I bought because I figured it wouldn't fit, and I tried it on and it does fit — woo! So I wore it running and was so excited that it would become my clear solution to the chafing-under-skirts problem. Only: no. Because the inseam is short enough that the legs ride up, still, and I was tugging at them the whole run. I've determined if I wear shorts of whatever kind that they need to reach longer than the widest part of my thigh, or there's no way they won't just ride up as I walk or run. (Wait, don't Miss America contestants glue their swimsuits in place to prevent wedgies? Maybe that's what I need!) UPDATED: Anna recommends Skirt Sports and the Happy Girl Skirt ($70) in particular. I actually had been looking at this company a couple months ago and debating whether to order one of their skirts — they look wonderful.
Rub antiperspirant on your inner thighs. Helps a little because of moisture control but doesn't eliminate the problem. Also troublesome to rub chemically laden product near sensitive areas.
Use powder. Doesn't last. Also troublesome near lady parts, depending what it's made of. UPDATED: Shae recommends corn flour. Sounds nice and natural! Laura recommends Gold Bond Powder. I've heard good things about that brand in particular.
Use diaper cream. Works to heal the irritation but not prevent it. UPDATED: Kara in the comments suggests trying lanolin or Aquaphor over adding layers in hot climates.
Vaseline. Tried this. Ineffective and messy! If anything, it made the stickiness worse.
Use a commercial anti-chafe product, such as hard-core cyclists and runners use. Haven't tried this but can't buy it this month! Not convinced they'll work as well for thighs, since most of the reviews mention feet (blister prevention) and nipples (for male runners; I just use a bra, yo), and since I had a bad experience with the Vaseline. I worry also about questionable ingredients and that it will rub off on and ruin my clothes. UPDATED: Anna recommends Bodyglide and says she loves it.
Wear Chafe Shield Anti-Chafing Underwear — bwa ha ha ha ha! I seriously can't imagine how uncomfortable and embarrassing I would find these. [Edited: Apparently, everyone agreed, because I can't find them any longer!]
Then someone online suggested: Try pettipants! And bloomers! So I've been wanting to try some, but I can't decide (a) what fabric to get (slippery nylon? breathable cotton? a mix? and what can I find, anyway?), (b) what length I should choose (my skirts vary in length and include knee-length options, so I'd rather have shorter if possible, but not at the expense of having them ride up and allow continued chafing), and (c) which brand (the reviews of the commercial ones are all over the map, and not everyone is buying them for anti-chafing purposes, which means I have to read the reviews carefully).

The other problem is, I also wear some skorts (scooters?) in the summer months where I'm having the same problem. I guess the inner legs of the shorts are too gappy/flappy or just too short an inseam. I don't know if there's anything I could wear under those that wouldn't show? Or any way I could alter the shorts legs to be more form-fitting?

Since I'm not spending money on the above possibilities, anyone who wants to test drive a solution, go for it and then send me in your report for a follow-up post!

Some options for pettipants I was considering buying:

Ilusion Cotton/Polyester Lace Pettipant Slip: These ones are a cotton/polyester blend, which might be a good compromise of breathability but slipperiness. These aren't very expensive. They look long, so shorter skirts would be out unless I hemmed a pair. Sizing goes from S through XXL.

Under Moments Women's Cotton Pettipants Pant Slip: These ones are cotton, which should be breathable, though some reviews say the ones they got were a 50/50 blend. These are affordable. They look knee length in the picture, but reviews said they were shorter in real life so could work even with short skirts. Sizing is a generous S through XXXXL (3X).

Velrose Snip-it Pettipants (3362): These are nylon, which means at least they should act like a slip under a skirt and not stick to it. Unfortunately, they might ride up on my thighs. I like the snip-it feature where you can cut it to the length you prefer. Plus sizes available (S up to 6X).

Underworks Woven Cotton Culotte Slips Pettipants 3-Pack: My biggest concern with these is feeling like I belong to a fundamentalist cult. Ok, not really. But they don't scream sexy, huh? And they'd peek out beneath shorter skirts, so hemming would be involved. The description says these are 100% cotton; a review says 97% cotton with 3% spandex. Either way, far more cotton than most other offerings, which should be nice and breathable and could be worn as underpants as well. (With nylon or similar, I'd wear cotton undies underneath.) There's a small lace trim, and many reviews said the (cheap) lace trim on a lot of these was scratchy. What I like the least is they're available in 3-packs for $55, which means I'd really have to commit to them, before even trying them on. Sizing S to 6X.

Underworks Pettipants Nylon Culotte Slip Bloomers Split Skirt 4-inch Inseam: Nylon. Kind of cute and sassy for once, like something from the Flapper era. I like that the short length would be undetectable under all skirt and might even work under skorts! However, the short length also means they're likely to ride up during wear and therefore expose the parts I'm trying to keep covered. This might be a short-skirt-only buy, with a longer version for other skirts. Inexpensive. Sizing S to XXXX-large.

Underworks Womens 100% Cotton Cuff Leg Bloomers 3-Pack: These look like they'd be perfect — combed cotton knit, discreet, comfy-looking — but reviews say the inseam is too short and the fabric rides up. I'd love to find something like this, though, that's more snug-fitting than the pettipants. Sizing S to 9X.

Malco Modes N21 Ruffled Lace Pettipant Bloomers Polyester/Cotton Mid-Thigh Length: Ok, these? Just totally made me laugh, but in a good way. I just love the thought of pretending I'm Scarlett O'Hara underneath it all. I have concerns it would be bulky, however, and that Sam might think I've flipped. 65% poly/35% cotton isn't ideal but is doable. Sizing S to XL only, so I'd have to check the size chart.

Wickers Performance Underwear - Women's Boxer: Polyester, which is odd, because they look like they should be cotton. However, reviewers claim the synthetic helps wick away sweat, which I could understand from my running wear. I'd still wear cotton undies underneath. Made in the USA. I think this is my favorite commercial option right now, because they look like they'd fit a variety of skirt lengths and be discreet if my skirt flipped up (whereas with the ruffled ones…). A little pricey for one pair of undies but not terrible. Sizing S to XXL. [Edited: I bought these & was pretty happy with them. I don't know why, but both their site and their Amazon listings seem to be currently down for maintenance, but I'll keep this up for when they come back online. I didn't like the tighter band around the bottom and the very unsexy balloon-butt look, and the price was a bit high, but I wore the heck out of them until they wore out then switched to the Danskin shorts and Bandelettes as mentioned below.]

Skimmies Slipshort: 85% Nylon Microfiber / 12% Spandex / 3% cotton. "A cotton gusset runs down inner thighs to help alleviate chafing and maintain breathability." The reviews sound like this one's perfect, except for one person who says her clothes stick to it like hook-and-loop tape. If that's so, then it's back to slips. I'd like to try it, because otherwise it looks great, except for that review and the price of $20. Sizing S to XXL.

Danskin Now - Women's Bike Shorts, 2 pack: On the one hand: bike shorts. On the other hand, I've heard good things about the comfort of these since they're cotton jersey. And the price is right, at 2 for $13. Cheapest at Walmart but available at Amazon as well. Sizing S to XXL, and plus sizes also available. [Edited: I bought these & lurve them! The price is definitely right, and in basic black, they're not embarrassing to look at. They don't constrict my rolls, but they do offer a basic smoothing, and I find the cotton jersey breathable enough even in summer weather. And, most importantly, my thighs are happy!]

Calida Comfort Stretch Cotton Long Leg Panties (26024): These look like pretty much exactly what I want (for longer skirts, at least, and a reviewer says they have a shorter length as well): 95% cotton with what looks like a cotton crotch. But the sizing runs only S through L, and they're $32.

I'm not even going into whether the cotton and other materials are sustainably produced (I highly doubt it) or if the items are manufactured under fair labor conditions (likewise for many, though one at least said it was made in New Hampshire).

Handmade pettipants and bloomers

In that vein, here are some handmade Etsy options, though many are more expensive. (Some are absolutely breathtaking, though!) I've avoided listing any here that are one-of-a-kind in a certain size and am concentrating on items that can be custom sized, because I don't want anyone (including me) to be disappointed.

victorian edwardian women's cotton bloomers — early bloomers: These are precious and would definitely make me feel like I had on something special underneath. Made of sustainable cotton and vintage lace, and custom sewn, so props for all that. The price tag is an ouchy $100. [Edited: Appears the shop is now offline.]

linen bloomer pant with scalloped ruffle in sand with roses — linenclothing: This looks looser and longer than I'd need, but it sounds like you can convo with the shop owner to customize it. I like the idea of washable linen as a natural, breathable fabric, and they look comfy. You could wear them as lounge pants or out-and-about pants. $110.

Saloon Bloomers — Folk: These I LOVE. I might really have to order these once I can spend money. They're only $32 (I say "only," because the value of handmade clothing is undoubtedly higher), and aren't they fabulous? I love them, love them, love them. They wouldn't hide under short skirts, but I think they'd be adorable peeping out as well! Cotton muslin. [Edited: Appears the shop is now offline.]

Bloomers — Scoundrelle's Keep: I like the idea of these ones, too, because they'd look cute on the outside as well. They come in fun prints and colors. Plus, they're only $25! My one concern is that they might be too short (and possibly loose) in the inseam to do any good, chafing-wise. (P.S. I like that top, too.)

Ladies Cream Ruffled Bloomers — mimirob: I like the simplicity of these cotton bloomers, and they're only $25 as well. Does it look like the crotch is too long, or do you think it's fine once it's on? I wish there were a view on a model.

Yoga Bloomers — Moonseats: These comfortable-looking $25 yoga bloomers look like something I'd never want to take off. I like the cuffs that would keep them a little trimmer on the leg, though I worry the roll-over waistband might be too bulky under a skirt, and the length could be too long. Maybe that can be solved in a custom order, though?

CUSTOM Victorian Gothic Pantaloons or Bloomers — Joyful by Design: I haven't looked through everything in this store yet, but it looks like she'll custom-make either pantaloons (hanging straight down) or bloomers (drawstring gathers at the cuffs) in black or white cottons, in regular and plus sizes, and with various lengths available. $27.99-$34.99 (this model). A nice touch is her offering of Frugal Frills bloomers with elastic and without lace in sizes S to XL for only $21.99.

Women's Custom sized Ruffled leg Bloomers/Pantaloons — Peanut's Boutique: These look like a great option, too, at $30 for S to 3X (larger sizes available at an additional cost). The cotton comes in a range of vibrant colors. [Edited: Appears the shop is now offline.]

cream linen bloomers — bloomersandbows: Pretty, 100% linen, $65. "One size fits most" always makes me wary, though. [Edited: Shop is on an extended vacation.]

Chocolate Brown Bloomers with teal Ruffles and Lace — AuraMatic : Adorbs at $30, and knee-length styles are available for $36.

Organic cotton bloomers with hip buttons, embroidery and lace detail — THREADBEAThandmade: At $85, these do look really well made. Custom sizes, delightful details, and different dyes available.

Bloomers Pantaloons Ruffles Capri Black Double Ruffle Knickers — StrumpetsDelight: Available to be made in any fabric or with contrasting ruffles. The size is adjustable. $45. [Edited: The shop is on a break.]

short white cotton bloomers — Vilicious Clothing: Lots of styles, sizes, and COLORS available! All very steampunk. Made to order in your exact size for $29.50.

elastic waist bloomers, made to order in your choice of colors — littlemisscrow: I like the pretty and the color selection. The price is steep: $88 for XS-XL, with plus sizes at additional cost of fabric. [Edited: There seem to be no bloomers left in the shop.]

Bitchin' Bloomers — Xochiquetzal Clothing: The photo's from a Flickr user, and it looks like the company doesn't sell bloomers quite as often anymore. Still, they're pretty cute! $28 for the linked Etsy pair in a size S.
UPDATED: Thighsavers — TAV Creations: This came to me via Twitter and looks ideal. Made by Halyma from quick drying stretch nylon, with a mesh crotch and thigh area to keep the thighs from chafing. $20, fits sizes 12-28 and can be custom adjusted for different body shapes. [Edited: I no longer see these on the site.]

UPDATED:

Another option is Bandelettes, and I did a review of these thigh-high chafe-reducing bands. Conclusion: Sultry & comfy, and good for even short skirts & shorts! Available at their site or Amazon.

UPDATED:

Please see the comments for lots of other great ideas & reviews!

If you can find me something perfect and affordable elsewhere, please link!

Making do or making my own

However, since it's a continuing Low-Spend Time for me, I can't buy any of the above just yet. So…my options for the month include:

Find the least binding pair of hose I have and cut off the legs and suck it up with wearing a slip.
Continue wearing pants instead. This would be the cheapest and easiest route, though don't you think it would be cool if I could design my own pettipants or bloomers out of material I already have? I have some old sheets that I think would be workable…
Sew my own pettipants from a pattern. For not a lot of moolah I could buy one like these:
- UPDATED from Katie: Bloomers Pattern — Antipope: Free and customizable to YOU.
- Bloomers - 3 Versions — Modest Handmaidens: Pattern includes sizing from a child's small to a women's XL, and it's on sale for $7.37! [Edited: Appears to be out of the catalog.]
- Tights & Leggings — Modest Handmaidens: I could design my own shorter length leggings from this pattern for $12 and some stretchy fabric. (Despite the name of the site, it truly does specify that shortening is okie-dokie: "Can also be made knee or mid-calf for use instead of bloomers." See?) [Edited: Appears to be out of the catalog.]
- Civil War reenactment costume pattern undergarments Simplicity 9769: I have no idea how authentic this is, but who cares if no one will see mine! $10 here, and I wonder if I can still find it or something like it in fabric stores. ~~— BAM! Here it is, $3.99.~~
- Butterick 6884 Camisole Pantaloons and Hoop Petticoat Pattern: This doesn't include my size, but it's another pattern option to look for. Besides, who doesn't need another pattern for a hoop skirt? Rather pricey since it's OOP.
- Misses' Early American Costume by McCall's as adapted by knitting iris: $10.17 for an even more old-school-looking pattern. Also includes sunbonnet!
- Misses Drawers, Chemise and Corset — Simplicity: $3.99 and a pretty pattern to have around. I can make a corset if I get ambitious!

Do you have the all-annoying chafing issue? What have you tried to get around it?

Remember, if you can spend a teensy bit (or heaping lot) of money this month or have some items already around the home, I'd love to hear a report of any of the above solutions you try out for a follow-up post!

Please pin me!

Main photo credit: Pantaloons! by Lily Monster, CC.
All other photos are linked to their copyright owners
and credited within the text.

Low-spend month: The start of a cheapskate adventure

2012-08-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

Update: I've decided to rename this Low-Spend Month instead of No-Spend Month, as I think that's more accurate and requires less backpedaling! :)

Sam and I have started a ~~no-spend month~~ low-spend month, from August 15 to September 15.

It's already a combination of adventure and chore.

I'd invite you along, and I do, but I figure you'd have to have a compelling reason to want to join in. For us, it's that we have taxes due at the beginning of October and need to save up as much as possible before then. We decided it was best not to trust ourselves to "cut down" on spending and just nix it entirely.

And that's sort of not true, because we're still spending in some respects. I know some people might think of these exemptions as cheating, but it's our no-spend month, so we can set the standards.

No-spend Low-spend rules

Here are our guidelines for what we can spend:

We can pay non-negotiables (mortgage, health insurance, etc.).
We can pay off previously spent, billed purchases (credit card bills, diaper service, etc.).
We can spend the minimum amount of money necessary to honor previous commitments, such as important outings with friends planned before low-spend month, gifts for a birthday party we promised to attend, or our upcoming trip to visit my parents. (The tickets are already purchased, but there might be travel incidentals.)
We don't have to count gas or public transportation as costs. I can't bear to be stuck at home for a month in the summer! With no air-conditioning! This doesn't mean we'll just drive around aimlessly, but that we can go places we need to. I understand a lot of people wouldn't make such a sweeping allowance, but we are.
We get $100 a week to spend on all food and necessary household purchases (like the floss we ran out of immediately after declaring low-spend month). This includes groceries and eating out and comes to about $14 a day. As people who haven't budgeted for food for a decade or so, this has been the most interesting part so far. Again, I realize other people are stricter about spending nothing, but we didn't think that was feasible. (See floss example above.)
Mikko can still spend his allowance as he wishes.
Everything else is off limits. I know that seemed like a long list of exceptions, but I guarantee there's plenty we would buy if these limits weren't in place. We're putting off larger purchases that we'd been considering, cutting out smaller purchases and impulse buys, considering free ways to amuse ourselves, and curtailing treats.

Our budget vs. yours

I know that all discussions of finances are fraught with issues of privilege. Our spending habits and income levels and budgets are going to be different from anyone else's, and I don't mean to make this some declaration of how virtuous we're being. This is just our choice to stop spending so much for one wee month (and then reevaluate), because we're privileged enough to make this choice, and I don't judge or compare myself to anyone else for spending less or more or having no choice but to do a no-spend month because they have nothing to spend. We all live in different locations, with different jobs or no jobs, and having made different choices as well as having non-chosen forces at work in our lives that have helped to put us where we are.

If you're in a category where you could spend less and want to join us in this experiment, feel free. If you want to be stricter or less restrictive, feel free as well. If this isn't an option or a desire of yours, you can just follow along and give us tips for budgeting if you have them!

I know from asking on Facebook that our "reduced" food budget of $100 a week for four people is a lot of people's norm; we sort of pulled that number out of a hat since we haven't budgeted or really inspected our spending for years, so part of this month is testing if it's a sustainable one for us or not.

Thoughts so far

The good: I like that we're doing something concrete to help our financial situation. I don't really want to go into the particulars, because it's complicated and kind of stupid, but it relates to the fact that we have to pay taxes on inventory and our inventory was very high last year. Meaning, we earned what should have been plenty, but we don't actually have that money in liquid cash. No one needs to feel sorry for us financially, but I hope no one feels derisive toward us, either. We're simply trying to keep taking responsibility for our finances, and this month (and perhaps future months like it) will help us beef up our savings and curb any mindless spending.

I've never enjoyed shopping and always feel guilty when I spend money, so for me, taking a dedicated break from having to decide what things to buy is kind of like a vacation. It's an excuse not to have to shop!

I like that we're reassessing all the fun things we know to do that cost little or no money. Just a short list off the top of my head: digging on the beach, playing on the playground, board games and card games, family movie night with a DVD from our collection or the library, reading library books, playing with toys and play dough, creating our own desserts and other fun treats, visiting public places where we have memberships or free entry (child-friendly museums and the like; we got a family coupon to one museum through the summer reading program at our library, for instance), visiting different parks and wading pools.

I like that we're using up food that was languishing in our cupboards and freezer. I like that we're less likely to let perishables go bad. I like that my garden harvests are being put to good use! And I love Sam's cooking, so that's a good thing right there.

The bad: It's really hot for Seattle right now, and I keep wanting to go places with A/C. Unfortunately, good places to go with A/C hereabouts include the mall and bigger chain restaurants, both of which are places you would naturally spend money. That's just one example of how it's inconvenient. Even places we have memberships aren't always that air-conditioned; when Seattle-ites use A/C, they tend to use it begrudgingly and sparingly. I was in the children's museum recently and knew they had some A/C on but was sweating like a pig. (I was heard to moan and wipe my brow several times, for I am a weenie in such matters.)

Another effect of the weather is that we're thirsty when we're out and thirsty when we're working hard (we've been moving stuff to storage), and we'd loooove an ice cold drink, but we have to stick within our $14 daily budget if we buy one. We've been doling these out very stingily as a result. (Oh, I know most of you would just drink water. Did I mention I hate water? I hate water. I'm drinking more of it, but that doesn't make me like it.)

We often have gone out with the boys on excursions — with Sam and me taking turns so the other person can work. Now that we can't eat meals or even buy snacks while we're out, that makes it harder to kill time or necessitates bringing food along and finding appropriate places to eat it.

I keep thinking of things I would buy if I could. Things I'd been planning to buy but had been putting off. And now I have to put them off more. Which is both good and bad (see above).

We've kept finding reasons not to do a no-spend month. This month is a good example of a month that doesn't seem like a good bet — we do have those previous commitments we mentioned, including a friend's visit and our travel to family. Plus, it's hot, and we're irritated by that. But we find good reasons to delay this every month, so we're just going for it and making do as we go along.

The effect on children

Mikko's been a little befuddled by the changes, so we've just been explaining it to him as straightforwardly as we can. We've told him we're trying not to spend very much money for a month so we can save up for taxes. We've told him that taxes are money we pay to the government to spend on things like roads and the fire department and libraries, and to help people who need money more than we do. We've told him our budget of $14 a day for food to help explain why we're buying certain things when we go shopping but not others.

It's actually been a good continuing lesson in math and finances, building off the lessons he's learned so far from having an allowance. An allowance has sort of taught him that we have to budget for fun stuff, but showing him that we have a limited amount of money for everything has been even more enlightening, I think. A lot of times, parents keep budgeting behind the curtain (my parents did, at least, and refused to talk about money with me), so that as kids we grow up thinking that adults can buy anything they want to — after all, they have a house! and a car! and lots of food! and look at those twenties in their wallets that came out of the machine! — but that they just refuse to buy the kids certain things out of pique or something. (Like, why oh why did my parents never buy me a battery-operated ride-in car? Or a horse? Or a battery-operated ride-on horse?) Letting kids in on the fact that you do indeed have limited amounts of money and have to choose what to spend it on, from housing to transportation to food to other non-negotiables and then whatever fun stuff might fit in the leftovers gives a clearer picture of what adult finances look like.

I'm not suggesting Mikko's grasped all of this as yet, just that it's been a positive side-effect to have started anew these discussions.

On the other hand, he's been cranky that we won't buy as many treats as we were wont to previously. For instance, if before when we were out, we'd get all of us a drink, or an ice cream, but now we're trying to tighten up on our $14 allotment, he doesn't necessarily want to pay for a treat out of his allowance instead. Last night we splurged with our final two dollars and all shared an ice cream cone for dessert — but had to keep reminding him we were sharing!

Alrik doesn't care yet. That's my summary of his reaction.

What I wish I could buy

Just to get this out of my system, since I'm researching but can't pull the trigger, here's what is on my shopping list right now. You don't at all need to read this; I'm just letting it out.

We lost our camera's remote control, so we can't take family photos without a photographer. This comes in handy about twice a year, but it really comes in handy at those times. Without the remote, we've been resorting to (and I swear this is true) taking multiple photos with one adult (playing photographer) missing at a time and then Photoshopping together the best resulting images. It's doable, but a remote would be easier. I know Mikko at one point buried the remote in the sand (this is true), but I do believe we rescued it that time, even though we haven't seen it since the rescue. Where is it? Finding it would cut this item off my to-spend list.

Related to this, our tripod is also broken (it's now a bipod). Maybe I could find one on Freecycle, but I don't suppose I'll bother till we have a remote.

My cellphone is wonky. It's two years old, and it bothers me that electronics don't last past two years without going stupid, but such is modern life. It won't tell me if I have a text or voicemail (two essential elements of a cellphone, yes?), and it keeps force quitting all applications, including its internal ones. It has some error message that makes it believe all its memory and storage are full when that is just not so. Our carrier (T-Mobile) didn't seem all that interested in helping us get it fixed or replaced, so I was considering just buying a new one but stymied by what to get. I'd like to switch our plan to a $30 prepaid one offered through T-Mobile and Walmart (100 minutes talk, unlimited texting & data), but it's confusing exactly how to sign up and whether the coverage is reliable, so I'd been putting it off. It would also mean buying whatever phone I decide on for full price, or finding a decent used one. Now that we're in low-spend month, I think (a) I'll do a factory reset again on my phone, even though it was really annoying, because it did make it start working again temporarily, and (b) campaign harder with T-Mobile to fix or replace the darn thing since I was duped into the handset replacement warranty charge.

Pettipants for summer skirts! I wrote so much about this topic it became its own post. I know — exciting! You'll have to hold out.

All right, that's all for now!

Have you done a no-spend or low-spend month before? Any tips? Want to join us in not spending till September 15? ~~Misery~~ Frugality loves company!

The no-soap, water-only washing experiment

2012-07-09T14:02:00.005-07:00

Back in October, I thought I'd try a no-'poo experiment but do it one further: no cleansers at all. No conditioners. No products, natural or otherwise. Just water.

I wanted to see if water alone could keep my face, body, and hair clean. Here are the results of my two-month experiment.

In crunchy parlance, no-'poo refers to forgoing shampoo and conditioner to cleanse one's hair and instead using natural concoctions of baking soda, apple cider vinegar, coconut oil, and the like. I'd already been doing no-'poo or low-'poo for years in Curly Girl terms, which means, literally, no shampoo but still plenty of conditioner (known as co-washing).

I was happy with my current hair regimen, but I was curious to try the crunchier methods. I sort of figured that since I hadn't used harsh shampoos in my hair for years that I already had a good oil level in my hair, and I was skeptical that any other no-'poo routine would serve me better than the conditioner routine I already had set up. But I do love me an experiment (and potentially making myself miserable). And since I was going to experiment, I thought I'd start first with water-only, since that intrigued me even more. Nothing crunchier than plain water, right?

How to cleanse with water only

Here's the thing: Soap and detergent have a purpose. Soap acts as an emulsifier, and detergent breaks the surface tension of water, both of which, essentially, allow water and oil to mix, and thereby let the dirty greasiness on your body be washed away. Or, as Beakman's World helpfully and catchily taught me, soap makes water wetter.

I point this out just to show that: (a) I don't have anything against cleaning agents. They do a job, and they make life easier. Because: (b) If you don't use soap or detergent, you'll want to use some other method of making the water get rid of the things you're trying to clean off your body. Namely: friction.

Here was my routine for water-only washing in the shower:

Stand under warm water spray and get hair and body wet.
Scrub scalp with pads of fingertips.
Use wide-tooth comb to get off any extra dead skin and help pull scalp oils through hair.
Use washcloth to scrub body, paying close attention to scrubbing and rinsing traditionally smell-prone areas (armpits, crotch, feet, yum) and anywhere dead skin tends to build up and get itchy (legs, for instance).
For my face, I usually just rinsed. Honestly, I've been doing water-only washing of my face for a couple years now, so I already knew that worked fine. Sometimes I do a little oil cleansing, but I skipped it for this experiment. I have acne, and I'd already found that less is more when it comes to cleansing my face.
For shaving … well, I'm fine with water-only shaving, actually. I usually do that, or shave dry. And by "often," I mean, I don't shave that frequently. And particularly not in the winter when I was doing this experiment. You'll have to decide what you're comfortable with there.
Rinse well.

(I will point out that I continued to use whatever soap was available to wash my hands throughout the day. I know water-only plus friction can work to kill bacteria, but frankly, I didn't want to risk it.)

Pros of water-only cleansing

There was a freedom in stepping into the shower with absolutely no need for products. It felt almost gleeful, this complete divorce from our culture's obsession with Products to Make You Clean. I could scoff at all the commercials, because I had something no one had to sell me: water. Just tap water and elbow grease.

It alerted me to the possibilities for travel and camping. If you ever forget your toiletry bag or the airline loses your luggage, no worries. If you're out in the wilderness and don't want to pollute the stream, then don't. Just scrub, rinse, done. (Now, when you're traveling, you might actually care how you look, who's going to see you, and what pictures are being taken, so that could limit your insouciance about water-only cleansing unless it's a short trip.)

Water-only washing is very gentle on your skin and scalp. I didn't need any sort of moisturizing, because my natural oils were allowed to stay put.

My body and hair were clean. I want to add some sort of qualifier to "clean," like "technically" or "pretty much." More on that later, but here I'll just say that the basic standards of hygiene were being met. I had no visible dirt, my hair looked like hair (albeit a bit limper), I didn't get sick, I didn't get an invasion of fleas or anything. I was hygienically acceptable. Clean (ish).

I already knew it was theoretically possible to be clean with water-only washing, because it's how we've washed our kids. Mikko and Alrik are both water-only washers for their bodies, and though I had to graduate Mikko early on to conditioner-washing with his mop o' hair, Alrik's hair (such as it is) still just gets a rinse in the tub. They're both clean (right after a bath, anyway!) and non-smelly (barring obvious reasons they might periodically become smelly again). Their skin is soft and healthy. We never need to put moisturizer or other creams on them, and they never complain of itchiness or the like. In short, I already had a great experiment in them to show me that water-only washing is a win … for those of us who have not hit puberty and/or don't care what their hair looks like.

Those last two points were the rub, and why I eventually stopped.

Downsides, and why I stopped

As for puberty, even though, as I've said, Mikko and Alrik are never smelly despite a weekly or so water-only bath, I found that I was. Not just after I showered, but soon thereafter. I'm not used to smelling body odor on myself and my clothes, so I'm guessing that usually soap holds that at bay for me. Water-only washing was just not as effective at long-term cleanliness — or, I guess, technically, long-term unsmelliness.

Presentable, but not inspiring.

My hair was clean enough, but it was never great. The oils weren't overwhelming, but they were present, weighing down my locks, and seriously, my hair doesn't need help being limp. It pulled out the wave and any volume. I don't know that anyone else would have noticed the difference, but I could see the subtle sheen of oils near the scalp, and it just wasn't my favorite look. Second-day (or further-day) hair was a big miss and needed to just be pulled back or up after using a natural-bristle brush to try to move some of the oils down the hair length. By the end of the experiment, I was feeling quite discouraged with how I looked, and it was messing with my self-confidence about going out in public. (That's when I knew it was time to move on.)

The biggest blow to water-only washing was how ungreen it was. I know — that was the big reason I wanted to try it! And my conclusions were that it was worse for the environment (for me). I typically shower every 3-4 days, and my showers last presumably a short to normal amount of time. I have my routine down pretty well, and I have people waiting for me, so I don't dally. With conditioner washing my hair and using organic soap to wash my body, taking brief showers twice a week or so is perfect for me. I'm clean, my hair is manageable, I'm unsmelly.

With water-only, I found myself getting antsy to shower again after just a day. After all, I smelled. My hair was limp. My legs were itchy. And when I'd get in the shower, I'd stay in much longer than you'd think necessary for water-only ablutions, trying to make sure I scrubbed and rinsed as much of the grease, smell, and dead skin away as I could to make the shower's effects last longer. I couldn't help but realize I was using much more water than before, and how could using several times more water be better for the environment than using dabs of organic conditioner and shampoo?

I'll point out, too, that if you've been using conventional shampoos and switch cold turkey to water-only, you'll likely have a detox-type period where your scalp will be pumping out oils (as it's been taught to by the harsh shampoos, to replenish what they've been stripping), and only several weeks in will the production level out.

I'm guessing everyone's experience of water-only washing will be different. I've read from people with thick or unruly hair that they like the extra weight the grease gives. I'd imagine that a short haircut such as on a typical Western male might do just fine, or likewise, very long and thick hair, whereas with my hair, being of a normal weight and at a middling length, it simply pulled out the wave and made it look pretty blah.

I'd imagine other people have different tolerance levels, too, for (a) how often they shower (if you already shower every day, you'd probably not notice much of a difference switching to water-only) and (b) how much they smell (I was surprised that I smelled as much as I did, though Sam said he didn't notice it; I was too embarrassed to ask anyone else!).

Conclusions and recommendations

Ok, these are my opinions, based on my experience with the experiment.

For kids, absolutely give water-only washing a go. It makes things easy and keeps their skin healthy and soft. It works perfectly well, for now, for our kiddos. Mikko does sometimes luxuriate in a bubble bath now, just because he discovered the fun of bubbles, but I appreciate that their skin isn't regularly being stripped of harmless oils at their age. Depending on your kids' hair type (thickness, cut, style), you can try water-only there as well, or you could do some gentle conditioner washing.

For face, definitely try a gentle water-only wash, particularly if you're acne-prone or have other skin conditions. Despite having greasy skin, I find not using cleansers doesn't increase the grease level — quite the opposite. If you use makeup, try to switch to all-natural brands that won't clog pores or hurt your skin if it doesn't all get rinsed off, such as a natural mineral makeup. (I like Everyday Minerals.)

For hair, I next tried the crunchy no-'poo of baking soda and vinegar, which I hope to write about. But (spoiler alert), I still prefer my conditioner-washing method or using Jessicurl's curl-friendly shampoo and other products (giveaway coming soon, I swear; I love this line!).

For body, well, there's a reason soap was invented! I'm back to cleansing with actual cleansers, and I no longer smell. Woo!

Have you ever experimented with water-only washing or other alternative cleansing methods? What do you recommend?

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The post is unrelated.
See my full disclosure policy here.

Pros and cons of tandem breastfeeding

2012-05-29T05:00:00.051-07:00

Welcome to the Carnival of Tandem Nursing

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Tandem Nursing hosted by Mommying My Way. Our participants have shared their personal stories of the highs, the lows, and information on what to expect if tandeming is in your future. Please read to the end of each post to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

I was always intrigued by the idea of tandem breastfeeding but never thought I'd participate in it myself. We were going to have a large spacing between our children, after all — I figured the older one would naturally have weaned by the time we decided to get pregnant again.

I didn't count on my older son's tenacity!

My younger son was conceived when Mikko was three and born when Mikko was four. Mikko continued to nurse through the pregnancy, despite a lack of milk, and they've now been tandem breastfeeding for a year. Alrik is one, and Mikko is almost five.

Here are some of the upsides and downsides to nursing through pregnancy and going on to tandem feed, as I've experienced them. Remember that everyone's experiences are different, though, which is why I'm glad there's a whole carnival on this topic!

Tandem breastfeeding allows you to meet the older and younger children's needs.

When we were considering pregnancy, Mikko was still breastfeeding several times a day, to sleep for bedtime, and occasionally during the night. Younger nurslings would have even more nutritional, health, and comfort needs. I know a huge part of the reason I didn't want to wean Mikko before or during the pregnancy was to give him the chance to continue receiving the nurturance and nutrition he'd come to expect from breastfeeding.

Nursing multiple children requires some balancing.

When Alrik was a newborn, I made sure he always got to eat first. I still make sure he gets the lion's share of time at the breast. Other than that, supply and demand, and your kids' individual demands, usually even everything out. You might want to figure out who eats first and whether you want to feed more than one child simultaneously. I personally don't relish that (I prefer having them take turns), but other people like how efficient it can be.

Tandem breastfeeding can exacerbate any nursing aversions.

This is what's happened for me, and has been the worst part of tandem nursing. I've had an extreme aversion to nursing Mikko (fortunately, not Alrik) — I get the creepy crawlies when he wants to nurse. I've been able to deal with this to some degree through positive thinking, but I'm definitely working toward weaning Mikko at this point. In the early stages, when Alrik was on me nearly all day and Mikko was giddy about the newly refreshed milk supply, nursing two kids was making me feel touched out. And prior to that, due to hormones, nursing through pregnancy had been quite painful for me. It's all right to set limits, particularly with older nurslings, to make nursing through pregnancy and tandem nursing work for everybody. We used the pregnancy as a time to cut down and eventually stop night nursing for Mikko so I would have just one baby to wake up for, and I've determined places, durations, and times I'm willing to nurse Mikko, which are gradually getting cut down further.

Tandem nursing can demand a lot of your body.

I'm ravenous when breastfeeding a newborn. Add in a preschooler and pumping to donate, and I could eat a horse as an appetizer. I also needed to be drinking constantly as my milk supply and my thirst levels regulated. Obviously, all that breastfeeding can take a lot of your time as well. So try to take care of yourself — or, better yet, get someone to help take care of you!

Tandem nursing can help your body.

This is the good side of that coin. All that suckling can definitely help your uterus get back into shape faster. The more vigorous latch of an older nursling can bring your milk in pronto after the birth — mine came in within a day this time around.

Tandem nursing can help smooth the arrival of a new sibling.

I didn't want Mikko's weaning to be related to his new brother's arrival, as if he'd been supplanted. I know of other families who've handled weaning during pregnancy or shortly after birth with gentleness and made it work; since Mikko's interest in nursing was still so high, as was his interest in the coming baby, I didn't want to connect weaning plus baby in his mind. I've appreciated how little rivalry he's so far had for his younger sibling. I'm sure more conflicts will arise in time, but I'm enjoying how they seem to adore each other and giggle whenever they see the other one nursing.

Tandem breastfeeding is completely normal.

I don't know that this is a pro or a con, more like a neutral. I just want to point out that, globally and historically, it's entirely unexceptionable to choose to feed more than one child at a time. Some families might decide it doesn't work well for them, and that's fine, too. But if you want it to work out for you and your little ones, you can find a way!

What have your experiences been with tandem nursing or breastfeeding through a pregnancy? Would you ever consider nursing multiple littles?

Please visit the other participants. (Links will be live by the afternoon of May 29.)

My Tandem Nursing Journey: Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy is sharing her tandem nursing journey so far...
Built for Two: No matter how much you read and plan, things may not always go as you expect. A few things that Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy wished she knew when she was planning to tandem feed her toddler and newborn.
Tandem Nursing - Magic Cure?: Jorje of Momma Jorje had high expectations of tandem nursing easing her toddler daughter's transition from being the baby to being a big sister.
Mutually Desirable - Navigating a Tandem Nursing Experience: Amy Willa at www.amywilla.com talks about limit setting and meditations that help her navigate an intense tandem nursing experience.
My Adventure in Tandem Nursing: Alicia at Lactation Narration tells her story of nursing her daughter through pregnancy and then tandem nursing.
4 months in: the good/hard: Becca at Exile Fertility writes about the joys and struggles of having two nurslings 17 months apart.
Tandem Nursing: One at a Time: When tandem nursing resulted in a nursing aversion, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children looked for ways to meet everyone's needs.
Why Nurse a 4 Year Old?: One of the questions Dionna at Code Name: Mama keeps getting is, "but why breastfeed a four year old? What are the benefits?" Today she answers that question.
My Hurt Feelings: Shannon at The Artful Mama shares how her first son reacted to nursing after the birth of his brother and the gift she received the last time he nursed.
Carnival of Tandem Nursing: A Letter To Myself 7 Years Ago: Dulce de leche shares the advice and reassurance that she would have given to herself if she could go back in time.
Nursing Both My Babies: Cassie at There’s a Pickle in my Lifeshares her experience with nursing and transitioning into tandem nursing. She also gives tips for struggles.
Our Tandem Nursing Journey: Kim at Life-is-Learning describes her journey into tandem nursing and why it is important to her.
Based on her own experience, Lauren at Hobo Mama dishes about the benefits and downsides to nursing multiple children.

Attachment parenting is about respect

2012-05-28T05:00:00.004-07:00

Welcome to the I Am Mom! Enough! Carnival hosted by Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama and Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children.

This Carnival is dedicated to empowering ALL parents who practice and promote and peaceful, loving, attachment parenting philosophy. We have asked other parents to help us show the critics and the naysayers that attachment parenting is beautiful, uplifting, and unbelievably beneficial and NORMAL!

In addition to the Carnival, Joni from Tales of a Kitchen Witch and Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy are co-hosting a Linky Party. Please stop by either blog to share any of your posts on the topic.

Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. Post topics are wide and varied, and every one is worth a read.

I have to admit to some confusion when people bash attachment parenting, as in some of the public comments during the recent TIME magazine outcry. To me, being attached to my children means treating them with respect, and what is there to bash about that?

I breastfeed my babies because I can, because I choose to, and because it's what's best for my kids. (I put it that way, because some parents cannot or choose not to breastfeed, and that's what works for their families.) I respect my babies' needs for nutrition and comfort and respond as I am able. I continue to breastfeed as long as it's mutually desirable for us, because I respect my growing children's continued needs for feeding, health, and connection.

I respond to my babies when they cry, because I respect that crying is a signal of communication. Particularly as they grow, I can't always respond immediately or stop every pain or discomfort, but I can try to be there and work through it with them. This isn't being on my children's leash; it's acknowledging my role as one of the people they feel comfortable with to share their intense feelings.

I sleep near my children because we choose to, because it works for us as a family, and because my children sleep best with company. I fully understand this, since the same is true for me. I respect other people's right to arrange their family sleep the way they want, and I respect my children's needs to feel secure at night.

I carry my babies with me when I can, because I know that being less than a couple feet high means you can't see much otherwise. I also know that babies appreciate the motion and warmth of being cuddled in a familiar caregiver's arms, and I use baby carriers that allow me range of motion while respecting my baby's desires. It ends up being easier for me, because the baby is content, and I can still continue my day. As my kids grow older, I rely on hugs, roughhousing, back scratches, hair rubs, and eye contact to continue our physical connection, because we never outgrow our need for loving touch.

I practice gentle discipline because I consider it my responsibility as the more mature party to act my age and mediate any conflicts my children and I have with each other or other people. I believe that even though my children are young, they are still worthy of having their voices and emotions respected, and they need help in conveying what they need. I am not some magically patient saint (boy, howdy, I am not), but Sam and I try to foster a family environment where all our needs are taken into consideration, and where the adults don't win every argument just because we could if we wanted to. I'd rather have all of us feel heard and respected, and see my children grow up as the independent, creative thinkers they already are, rather than command instant obedience at the cost of their sense of self-worth and connection with their father and me. Because of how much that threatens the dominant paradigm, I understand why that's subversive in our culture and leads to accusations of being doormats raising spoiled kids, but … I just don't see it that way. Because I respect my kids, and I wouldn't want it any other way than to have all of us have a voice in this family.

I don't consider attachment parenting some sort of talisman against any suboptimal outcomes in life. My kids are still free to choose their own paths as they grow — and they might choose ones I wouldn't. That's the cost of allowing freedom, I suppose — though I'll also say I have examples from families I know whose children weren't raised with freedom who still chose unfortunate paths to travel down.

I also don't see attachment parenting as consigning myself to some sort of martyrdom. Most of what attachment parenting does is make life easier for me as a parent by telling me clearly what babies evolutionarily have come to expect as human primates, and what I can do to meet those needs while still finding balance for myself. It certainly helps that I attachment parent with a full-time co-parent — my supportive partner, Sam — and with other parents and parents-to-be in community alongside us. Attachment parenting, as with any parenting, works best in a village, and can be hard when attempted in isolation. That's not a mark against the parenting style, though, only a downside of the predominant culture, which doesn't match up closely with what children or parents need.

When people suggest that attachment parenting is a fad, or something to be taken or left, or too complicated, or too wishy-washy, or too "extreme," I ask: How can anyone argue against offering our children respect? In what universe could it ever be wrong to honor the needs of our most vulnerable family members and try to meet them in ways that work for our family? Keep in mind that this respect applies to us as parents as well: We respect ourselves, seeking balance, support, and compromise where necessary. And by respecting ourselves, our co-parents, and our children, we lead our children to respect us in turn. That respect then turns outwards, as we all navigate our relationships with others outside the family, and the basis for respectful interactions is already in place.

I also don't see attachment parenting as all that outside the cultural norms nowadays, in some ways at least. Sometimes people treat their children with respect and lots of connection but don't call their style of parenting attachment parenting because they don't cosleep, or because they didn't breastfeed past six months, or for whatever reason, and yet I would find plenty of common ground with their responsive parenting style. And on the flip side, some people who subscribe to some of the attachment parenting checklist still fall prey to the (previously much more) dominant thinking that children come into the world as uncivilized beasts, to be firmly molded into decent human beings. I feel like attachment parenting needs that basis of respect to be truly attached parenting.

In the end, I really don't see anything to argue against when it comes to attachment parenting. I'm an attachment parent. I respect my children, myself, my family, and those around us, and I am raising my children with a secure enough base to offer that same respect to themselves and others.

As the carnival says: I am Mom. Enough!

Thank you for visiting the I Am Mom! Enough! Carnival hosted by hosted by Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama and Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants and check out previous posts at the linky party hosted by Joni from Tales of a Kitchen Witch and Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy:

Good Enough? — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy writes about how Good Enough is not Good Enough, if you use it as an excuse to stop trying.
The High Cost of High Expectations JeninCanada at Fat and Not Afraid shares what it's like to NOT feel 'mom enough' and wanting to always do better for herself and family.
TIME to Be You! — Becky at Old New Legacy encourages everyone to be true to themselves and live their core values.
I am mom and I have had ENOUGH — A mother had had ENOUGH of the mommy wars.
Motherhood vs. Feminism — Doula Julia at juliamannes.com encourages feminists to embrace the real needs and cycles and strengths of women.
There Is No Universal Truth When It Comes To Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how parenting looks around the world and why there is no universal parenting philosophy.
Attachment Parenting Assumptions — ANonyMous at Radical Ramblings argues that attachment parenting is not just for the affluent middle-classes, and that as parents we all need to stop worrying about our differences and start supporting each other.
Thoughts on Time Magazine, Supporting ALL Mamas, and Advocating for the Motherless — Time Magazine led That Mama Gretchen to think about her calling as a mother and how adoption will play an important role in growing her family.
Attachment Parenting: the Renewed Face of Feminism — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children embraces her inner feminist as she examines how the principles of attachment parenting support the equal treatment of all.
What a Mom Wants! — Clancy Harrison from Healthy Baby Beans writes about how women need to support each other in their different paths to get to the same destination.
Attachment Parenting: What One Family Wants You To Know — Jennifer, Kris, 4 year old Owen and 2 year old Sydney share the realities of attachment parenting, and how very different it looks than the media's portrayal.
We ALL Are Mom Enough — Amy W. of Amy Willa: Me, Mothering, and Making It All Work thinks that all mothers should walk together through parenthood and explores her feelings in prose.
A Typical Day Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment shares what a typical day with her attached family looks like...all in the hopes to shed light on what Attachment Parenting is, what it's not and that it's unique within each family!
The Proof is in the (organic, all-natural) Pudding — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about how, contrary to what the critics say, the proof that attachment parenting works in visible in the children who are parented that way.
I am mom and I have had ENOUGH A mother had had ENOUGH of the mommy wars.
Time Magazine & Mommy Wars: Enough! What Really Matters? — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter encourages moms to stop fighting with each other, and start alongside each other.
Attachment parenting is about respect — Lauren at Hobo Mama breaks down what attachment parenting means to her to its simplest level.
I am an AP mom, regardless... — Jorje ponders how she has been an Attachment Parenting mom regardless of outside circumstances at Momma Jorje.
The first rule of Attachment Parenting is: You Do Not Talk about Attachment Parenting — Emily discusses, with tongue aqnd cheek, how tapping into our more primal selves actually brings us closer to who we are rather than who we think we should be.
Mom, I am. — Amy at Anktangle discusses how Attachment Parenting is a natural extension of who she is, and she explains the ways her parenting approach follows the "live and let live" philosophy, similar to her beliefs about many other areas of life.
I Breastfeed My Toddler for the Nutritional Benefits — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares why 'extended' breastfeeding is not extreme and how she is still nursing her toddler for the nutritional benefits.
I Am Dad Enough! — Attachment parenting does not only have to be about moms; their partners are just as important. In Code Name: Mama's family, Dionna's husband, Tom, is papa enough for lots of things.

Prelude to weaning

2012-05-21T05:00:00.062-07:00

Welcome to the Carnival of Weaning: Weaning - Your Stories

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Code Name: Mama and Aha! Parenting. Our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles about the end of the breastfeeding relationship.

My view.

My older nursling is turning five next month. I haven't been writing much about our tandem breastfeeding (mis)adventures lately for a few reasons.

One is that it was going relatively poorly, sorry to say: major nursing aversion. And I felt bad about that.

One is that I had this external sense that Mikko really should wean. I happened upon a discussion of people talking about me behind my back, and that was the consensus. I know — you never hear good things when you're eavesdropping, right? It stuck with me, and made me feel sheepish and low. I kept telling myself, What do I care what other people think? But I do…obviously.

Just look at the recent hubbub over the TIME cover. That kid's a three-year-old. Mine's almost five. I know there's hate out there.

I felt bad that I was feeling this external pressure to stop nursing, and bad that the internal pressure due to the nursing aversion was exacerbating and emphasizing it.

I wanted the end of our nursing relationship to be one of gentleness, peace, and mutual respect — a wistful bittersweetness with more sweet than bitter. I didn't want an abrupt end with me screeching, "I can't take it anymore!" and forcing him away from me.

Calming the nursing aversion

I read a couple articles that Amy Phoenix wrote as guest posts for Code Name: Mama about nursing aversion. I had tried techniques before (calming techniques, hypnosis techniques, deep breathing and relaxation, distraction), but nothing had made the toe-curling sensation go away. If nails-on-a-chalkboard had a feeling, nursing aversion was it. But this time, when I read Amy's articles (this was a couple months ago now, I think), I concentrated on this item: "I am choosing to breastfeed."

It was so simple, and it worked. It felt magical that first time, and I was scared it would disappear. It wasn't magical, because I would still feel nursing aversion from time to time afterward, but it was amazingly helpful, because it was much abated from those earlier levels.

I also participated in a private conversation with Amy (where I doubt she knew she'd have this much effect on me), where she said something about how she wished we lived in an environment where nursing pairs could continue as long as they wanted without any inappropriately placed shame. That and seeking out other mothers of older nurslings took a huge weight off me and reassured me on this most basic level: My kid and I are doing something that's totally normal and fine. I realized it had been the aversion that had caused a lot of my psychological discomfort, because it made every nursing session feel so off to me.

I now felt able, since I wasn't dreading each nursing session or feeling guilty about breastfeeding an older nursling, to contemplate weaning on a more logical, loving level.

I use the term "nursing" intentionally here. I tend to favor "breastfeeding" in general, because I feel it's a source of less confusion (there's a profession for nursing, after all, and you can practice bottle nursing) and because it seems more technically appropriate and encouraging of a frank discussion of just what the feeding is. But when it comes to a four-year-old, the feeding isn't really the point anymore. I mean, Mikko is getting milk; he tells me so, and will knead the breast or switch sides if he can't get any out. (I've had to curb his kneading, because it triggers my aversion.) But he nurses for literally several seconds on each side, and then he's done, so his calorie intake is low.

Setting limits

We've got it down to twice a day, at my own behest: once in the morning, once at night. Sometimes he forgets and skips one or the other (and I don't remind him), but not often. Sometimes I put him off, and then he falls asleep, but not often with that, either. He used to insist on nursing twice in the morning — upstairs (in our bedroom) and downstairs (in the living room) — and the same at bedtime. But I've put the kibosh on that obsessive behavior and told him one session is enough, and he can choose where it happens.

Just in general, I've felt more comfortable about setting a lot of limits with him at this age. I limit how often, where, for how long, and, at some points, whether. I don't feel this is unfair to him at this point, since he's old enough to do without if he needs to, and he'll often snuggle next to me or ask for back scratches to replace any perceived cuddle deficit. While he's nursing, I can simply say, "Ok," and give him a little pat on the side, and he knows to come off immediately. (During the worst of my nursing aversion, I had the hardest time not turning that "little pat" into something more forceful, and the "Ok" came out between clenched teeth, which is why I'm so glad the worst of the aversion has dissipated. It took nearly a year.)

I also still can't stand nursing both boys simultaneously, so that happens only very rarely, when I seem to be out of other good options. If Mikko's nursing and Alrik's awake, Alrik starts giggling happily and lunges onto whichever breast is free. However adorable that is, this is why I try not to nurse Mikko when Alrik's conscious of what's happening. (When they are both nursing, I have this recurring thought: "They're milk brothers!" And then I remind myself, "No — they're just called brothers in this instance.")

Steps toward weaning

So … weaning. I've begun speaking with Mikko about the idea of weaning, which to me was the first step, and one I resisted. I loved the idea that he would gradually stop nursing on his own. Do I think it would happen, eventually? Oh, sure. But I've finally admitted to myself I'm not willing to wait forever. Most extended nurslings I know of stopped at 2, 3, maybe 4. When I hear of a 5-year-old, I feel safe for a little longer. I heard of a 6-year-old the other day (from a reasonable, respectable person) and felt another little burst of relief. That said, all the mothers say the same thing about those kids: They're nursing occasionally, once every few days, not still on this highly regular schedule Mikko's on, where he would gladly nurse more if I would let him.

I think he needs a push. And I've finally gotten past the guilt and, yes, grief that I have to give him one. I really, really was hoping this could all be of his own volition. Even saying here "I want him to wean" breaks my heart a little. I don't know quite how to explain that to anyone who doesn't believe in child-led weaning. I do believe in it philosophically as an option, and had hoped to practice it, which is why it's so upsetting that I'm abandoning my plans. I'm now ready to try for a mix of mother-directed and child-approved. I'm hoping for something gentle and that's honorable of our nursing relationship so far.

So back to my tentative plans: I've mentioned to Mikko, and Sam has chimed in for me, that everyone stops nursing eventually. His dad and I are not having nummies anymore, we told him. Neither is his (beloved) cousin, or most of his friends. Eventually everyone gets big enough that they don't need them anymore, and they stop.

That's been step one.

Step two has been planting suggestions of when to stop. I said, Maybe five years old. Mikko countered with "Maybe seven!" I guess we'll come to a compromise.

I'd rather not do a weaning party or other abrupt cutoff date, at least not at this point. For one thing, my maudlin sensibilities don't feel like celebrating the end of our nursing relationship. I know, I know, it's gone on for five years. Of course, on the one hand, I'll be glad to have it naturally phased out. But on the other hand, it's gone on for five years! It's all I've known with him! And I'm already feeling a little bereft at the thought of forging a new connection with him.

Instead I'm thinking further negotiation will be necessary. I'll suggest dropping one of the daily sessions, either morning or night. I'd like to drop night, because I'm usually putting both kids to bed alone, and it's a challenge, as mentioned above, to feed both of them. But I wonder if that's Mikko's favorite session, in which case we might need to drop morning instead.

I haven't broached this one yet, since I just thought of it … oh … yesterday. But that's step three.

Beyond that, I'd really like to get something special to remember our nursing relationship by. Maybe a weaning necklace or other keepsake for us to share.

I'd also like to continue our new, connecting traditions of back scratches (he'll even scratch mine occasionally! Score!) and lots of hugs. I think those will ease the transition into being a big kid who doesn't need nummies anymore to continue feeling loved and secure.

Here's another factor when I think of weaning Mikko: Sam and I have discussed having a third baby (so! fun!), in which case I know, for suresies, that I do not wish to nurse through pregnancy and tandem feed again. It was really painful on my nipples through pregnancy; my milk dried up, which was a bummer; and tandem nursing has been more burden than bliss. However, I say "do not wish" rather than "absolutely will not," because if we decide to have a child sooner rather than later (or if the universe decides for us), I don't want to cut Alrik off before he's had his share of the nummie goodness. I will say that it's been lovely to have tandem nursing to smooth over the sibling newness. I do think it's helped reduce rivalry, so yea for that. But, one way or another, I don't think triandeming is in the books for me. I really hope not!

So those are the first three steps of my plan, and we'll see how it goes from there.

What I believe

Here are truths I affirm:

It is totally legitimate to nurse a child until he wants to stop.
All children will eventually stop nursing.
Sometimes the weaning timing works out perfectly, but not always. Some children stop nursing before the parent is ready, and some parents want or need the nursing to stop before the child is ready.
It's totally legitimate for a breastfeeding parent to decide when to wean. (I've believed this for other parents, but giving permission to myself has been harder.)
Ideally, the weaning process, whether child- or parent-led (or a mix of both), will be gentle and respectful, though that doesn't mean the participants can't be sad or have strong emotional responses to the process.
Breastfeeding your child for any length of time is a gift, and those of us who practice long-term breastfeeding have done something good for our children that cannot be undone by weaning.

All right, that's my long-winded story of where we've been and where we're at. I'd appreciate any perspectives on what you would do (or did do) with an extended nursling who kept … on … extending the nursing. What are gentle ways to encourage weaning that preserve the relationship of trust you've built?

Thank you for visiting the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Dionna at Code Name: Mama and Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (and many thanks to Joni Rae of Tales of a Kitchen Witch for designing our lovely button):

(This list will be live amind updated by afternoon May 21 with all the carnival links.)

On Breastfeeding, Weaning, and One Mother’s Identity — Jessica at Natural Parents Network has been nursing one or more of her children since 1993 - breastfeeding is wrapped up in her concept of mothering and herself. She shares her thoughts on weaning.
two tales of weaning — Aspen at Aspen Mama writes about their countdown to wean.
Wean Me Gently — Tam at Please Send Parenting Books shares a beautiful weaning ceremony.
You say potato, I say bleeeuuuuch... — Anelie at Mindcradle had read the books and knew just how to introduce her baby son to solids—unfortunately, he had other ideas.
A Post Called Weaning — (Not) Maud at Awfully Chipper writes about how weaning her son took longer than she expected.
On Weaning, Pregnancy and Emotion — Shannon at The Artful Mama talks about her mixed emotions as she allows her son, Little Man, to guide her through his weaning process.
half of her life — Staci at Springpatch Jam looks back on her nursing relationship with her first born.
Is it just this After Forty Mom or is it harder to wean when its your last? — Amanda of After Forty Mom shares her emotional journey towards the impending self-weaning of her toddler daughter.
Nursing Limits — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares how she has weaned her toddler down to minimal nursing and her guilt about the decision to do so.
Weaning Video Series #1: Preparation for the Weaning Process — Why is weaning such a taboo topic? Dionna at Code Name: Mama got mamas from across the blogosphere to start talking about weaning - on video. Come check out the first video in a series of five that she'll be posting this week.
Weaning due to anxiety — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about how she had to wean to preserve her mental health.
When Will I Wean? A Guest Post — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama hosts a guest post from a mama who contemplates when her breastfeeding relationship will end.
On His Own Terms — Momeeezen shares her heartbreak from when her son weaned much earlier than she anticipated.
Our Weaning Story - Sudden, Surprised, and Embracing a New Season — Weaning doesn't always go how we imagine. That Mama Gretchen shares the story of her daughter's sudden weaning and how she has embraced this new season of motherhood.
A Tale of Two Weanings — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares the similarities and differences of how her nursing relationships with her now six-year-old and four-year-old daughters came to a close.
She Doesn't Remember — Alicia at Lactation Narration finds that her 6 year old no longer remembers nursing, only one year after weaning.
It's The End of the World As We Know It — A story about the end of a tandem nursing relationship on Never Mind The Rain: A toddler moves on to a new phase in her life before mom is fully ready.
A Natural End To Our Breastfeeding Relationship — With two self-weaning children, Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots does not know when the end will come, but that it will be natural and without regrets.
Child-Led weaning: It's Not Extreme; It's Biological — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children explains why child-led weaning is based on biology rather than social constraints.
6 Years of Natural Weaning in 5 Steps — Jess at miniMum shares how and why she let her first child stop when he was good and ready.

Is This Weaning?: A Tandem Nursing Update — Sheila at A Living Family bares all her tandem nursing hopes and fears during what feels like the beginning of the end for her toddler nursing relationship.
Memories of Weaning: Unique and Gentle — Cynthia at The Hippie Housewife shares her weaning experiences with her two sons, each one unique in how it happened and yet equally gentle in its approach.
Weaning Aversion' — Gentle Mama Moon shares her experience of nursing and unplanned weaning due to pregnancy-induced 'feeding aversion'.
Three Months Post-Mup: An Evolution of Thoughts On Weaning — cd at FidgetFace describes a brief look at her planned (but accelerated) weaning, as well as one mamma's evolution on weaning (and extended nursing)
Weaning my Tandem Nursed Toddler — After tandem nursing for a year, Melissa at Permission to Live felt like weaning her older child would be impossible, but now she shares how gentle weaning worked for her 2 1/2 year old.
Every Journey Begins with One Step — As Hannabert begins the weaning process, Hannah at Hannah and Horn's super power is diminishing.
Reflections on Weaning - Love Changes Form — Amy from Presence Parenting (guest posting at Dulce de Leche) shares her experience and approach of embracing weaning as a continual process in parenting, not just breastfeeding.
Weaning Gently: Three Special Ideas for Success — MudpieMama shares three ideas that help make weaning a gentle and special journey.
Guest Post: Carnival of Weaning — Emily shares her first weaning experience and her hopes for her second nursling in a guest post on Farmer's Daughter.
12 Tips for Gentle Weaning — Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting describes the process of gentle weaning and gives specific tips to make weaning an organic, joyful ripening.
Quiz: Should You Wean for Fertility Treatments? — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries talks about the key issues in the difficult decision to wean for infertility treatments.
I thought about weaning... — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World shares her story of how she thought about weaning several times, yet it still happened on its own timeline.
Celebrating Weaning — Amy at Anktangle reflects on her thoughts and feelings about weaning, and she shares a quick tutorial for one of the ways she celebrated this transition with her son: through a story book with photographs!
Naturally Weaning Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses the gradual path to weaning she has taken with her preschool-aged twins.
Gentle Weaning Means Knowing When to Stop — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl writes about knowing when your child is not ready to wean and taking their feelings into account in the process.
Weaning, UnWeaning, and ReWeaning — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy discovers non-mutal weaning doesn't have to be the end. You can have a do-over.
Prelude to weaning — Lauren at Hobo Mama talks about a tough tandem nursing period and what path she would like to encourage her older nursling to take.
Demands of a Nursing Kind — Amy Willa at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work shares her conflicted feelings about nursing limits and explores different ways to achieve comfort, peace, and bodily integrity as a nursing mother.
Breastfeeding: If there's one thing I know for sure... — Wendy at ABCs and Garden Peas explores the question: How do you know when it's time to wean?
Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Two, Three? — Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses going from 3 nurslings down to 1 and what might happen when her twins arrive.

Daily toy bins: A storage & play solution

2012-05-18T03:43:00.003-07:00

We were stumped by how to organize and disseminate the ever-growing collection of toys: Mikko's preschool playthings, and Alrik's baby amusements. But mostly Mikko's. That kid gathers toys to himself like black cat hair to a white sweater.

We have that iconic IKEA Expedit bookshelf with cubbies in our small play area that was formerly a dining nook. We tried placing some toys artfully on the shelves, one or two to a cubby, in a sort of Montessorian tableau. But that worked only for bigger toys, and was better when he was younger. Now that he's four and three-quarters and has umpteen teensy plastic whatsits, it's hard to contain the chaos.

So we started dumping everything into bins that fit into the cubbies. Only, then it was impossible to find what he needed on any particular day. ("No, the purple truck! With the lightning bolt!") Plus, like things didn't always end up together, so you'd have a naked doll but no handy doll clothes.

Next, I tried sorting things by purpose: one bin for action figures, one for vehicles, one for dolls, and so on, which made cleanup easier. But when I looked at how Mikko actually played, it was through an incredible, inspiring mishmash. A doll would be pulling a vehicle by a shoelace, and a dinosaur would come over with a screwdriver to help. Separating toys by likes cramped his style.

Enter: Bin a day.

Prepare for binning

This was Sam's idea, and it's worked a treat.

We picked out seven bins, and Sam left me to start organizing with my own special system.

First, of course, there was purging. That's always the first (also middle and last) step in any sorting project: decluttering. We let go of anything broken, missing important pieces, needlessly duplicated, or unfavored. What was left supplied each bin without stuffing any of them, leaving room for new items that would need a home.

Next was grouping like items together — but in multiple piles. I used a lot of plastic food-storage bags for the little things, the kind with the zipper so they're easy for Mikko to open and close by himself. (If anyone has a more sustainable idea for see-through storage, let me know.) So, considering we have, oh, a decabazillion tiny metal vehicles, I made seven separate baggies of them, and tried to toss an assortment in each one.

For things that aren't as plentiful, like our Mr. Potato Head family, I placed all the parts into a single bag.

I made seven bags of miscellaneous small items as well: animal figurines, action figures, super bouncy balls, spinning tops, wind-up robots, and the like.

I also gathered activity bags, magazines, activity books, medium-size balls, and other solo- and group-play supplies.

Bigger items that would still fit in the bins were set aside to be parceled out: his larger fire trucks, for instance.

Things that belonged in a logical grouping were arranged in a single bin together: a cash register with a wallet, play money, a shopping bag, and items to buy. For items too large for a baggy but that needed to stay together, I used larger bags (whatever I had on hand). The downside is they're not see-through, but needs must.

Filling the bins

I set out the empty bins and began filling them one at a time with a varied selection. So here's a sample bin for my four-year-old boy:

Zipper gallon-size baggy of vehicles
Baggy of action and animal figures and other small items
Baseball and glove
Jump rope
Larger tow truck
Toy computer (a gift from grandpa)
Card-lacing activity
High Five and Puzzle Buzz magazines
Magnetic white board with marker and magnets
Magnet fishing pole and magnetic fish
Woodworking project with tools
Video game controller (we have a few of these that hook into the TV and play discrete video games — like Pac-Man!)
Small puzzle in its own baggy

Here's another:

(Click picture to enlarge.)
Clockwise from top left:

Toy food is an example of a logical grouping; you wouldn't want to play with just one carrot — you want several themed pieces plus utensils. But if you have a lot of toy food, for example, you could include several pieces in a couple bins.
Sensory play: dried colorful lentils and scoops in a mesh produce bag. Just add pans. You know, I think I answered my question from earlier about better bags to use, because these produce bags are see-through and reusable, and have an easy drawstring opening.
Activity bag: in this case, a magnifying glass plus an assortment of tiny objects to study
Activity books: origami book with paper, sticker book, High Five magazine
Medium toys and balls: a few for each bin, as they fit
Craft play: PlayFoam, a squishy and sticky bead foam that makes for a mix between artsy sculpting play and no-mess sensory exploration
Cars, planes, trucks: I try to make sure there are a variety of vehicles and at least a few Transformers
Small toys: Finger puppets, yo-yo, wind-up kangaroo, and other miscellaneous buffoonery

Outside the bins

In addition to the daily bins, we have a few theme bins or separate stashes that can come out when the mood strikes:

Babies like emptying bins the best. Here Alrik chews on a find from the craft bin.

Decorations — that means "arts and crafts" for those of you not versed in Mikko-speak: markers, construction paper, stickers, paints, other art supplies
Dolls and dollhouse — I could see dolls and assorted clothing being split up into multiple bins and considered it, but Mikko likes to play with all his dolls at once and, if in a doll-playing phase, will make us find any that are missing. He has three favorite dolls, you see, and one is the father, one the mother, and one the baby, even though they all look almost entirely alike. He doesn't play with them the way I did as a girl (as imitation babies or clothes models), but it's fun to see what he does find for them to do.
Dress-up clothes — this ended up being a small Apa toy box (from IKEA — can you tell we live near an IKEA?), because hats and capes are rather bulky
Games and puzzles — most are too big to fit into a bin
Play dough and trains — this doesn't make a lot of sense to go together, but it happens that our train items and play dough items fit nicely into a single bin
Musical instruments — since these are rather pretty, they're in and near a basket, as mentioned before

Bins even fit children.

How it works, day to day

On any given day, we can pull out that day's bin and set it next to Mikko. Does the whole thing get dumped? Oh, yes. That's a disadvantage of any opaque storage system. But fortunately, it's just one bin, so we can (theoretically) clean it back up before bedtime. We are not perfect about this by any means and could all use more lessons in picking up after ourselves. But it's a more manageable start. I think to make things even easier on us, we should label each baggy with a permanent marker, with the contents and the day ("Monday: Vehicles").

Mikko has a range of toys to choose from for the day, and he sees each selection only once every seven days, so there's less chance of boredom. I've long loved the idea of toy rotation but found it hard to implement in a small space with limited storage. We don't have a garage or basement or even extra closet space to keep toys out of sight. This isn't quite as long-term a rotation as I'd choose in an ideal world, but we live in an actual one, and it's working well for now.

Mikko's taken to the system with relatively little fuss. We set up a rule of one bin at a time, and he's content to stick with it. If he wants a new bin, we have to clean up the one that's out first.

We're not draconian when it comes to enforcing which bin he plays with each day, either. If he really wants to play with the big police car that's in Wednesday's bin but it's Monday, we put Monday's bin away and pull out Wednesday instead. The day system is more of a gentle guidance, to ensure a variety of toys and a helpful routine. Usually he's plenty interested in what bin is today's.

Independence-wise, we do have to lift the bins up and down for him, both because they're heavy and because the bookshelf is rather tall for him. In a small space, we have to use vertical storage rather than spread out. However, once the bin's out for the day, he can operate it himself and choose what he wants to play with from the options inside.

Sam labeled the bins in English and German (I wrote out the days of the week for him for the German), which means that Mikko's getting a dose of education with each toy retrieval: time, reading, and language.

For Alrik for now, we have a single bin: Baby Toys. Of course, he doesn't stick with just his own kind, and frequently and gleefully latches on to Big Brother's exciting selections. We might have to reconfigure the system as the kids grow, depending on how well their play needs mesh with each other, considering they're four years apart in age.

Another potential downside is that Mikko loves to take his toys along for the ride: on walks, in the car, upstairs to bed. So finding them and returning them to their appropriate bins can be a challenge. I won't pretend that the bins haven't gotten more mixed up over time, but since they were mixed up to begin with, it's not much of a problem.

So far, we really are digging our bins. I like being able to find all pieces to a particular activity. I like that Mikko will play independently for longer when it's easy for him to find toys and make up his own scenarios. I like that he gets excited about the group-play options within the bins, such as a puzzle or project we could do together. I like that a plea to watch TV usually fades away once a bin is placed beside him. I like that putting toys away is more straightforward. I like that our play area is contained and neat.

So that's how we've binned our toys. How do you organize toys and playtime?

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We're all mom enough at BlogHer

2012-05-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've posted my response to the TIME Magazine attachment parenting cover story controversy at BlogHer.

Dionna of Code Name: Mama and my cofounder at Natural Parents Network is luminous model #3 in the TIME story (that's her behind the scenes at right). I was up for being one of the extended breastfeeding families photographed for TIME, and I'm alternately jealous and relieved I wasn't chosen, because — hoo, boy, what a firestorm the media like to create.

I comment on the narrow focus (thin, white women) and sensationalistic slant of the article and advocate for a call to community:

My general take on The Mommy Wars, the beautiful AP families who modeled for the magazine, the unfortunate slant of the TIME article, and the horrific comments some people have made on various sites is this: We're all parenting the best we know how. We're doing what works for us and our families. We don't need to set up barriers that don't exist between parents who are all doing what we can to raise healthy, happy children.