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Hell on Earth

2010-10-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

These days, there is no pick up. There's doom and despair hanging over my head like a blanket of thick, angry clouds, waiting to strike me with another lightning bolt. There's a knife to my throat, telling me that there's nowhere I can possibly run to. I'm already in a kind of hell. I'm experiencing life.

2010-06-17T12:39:00.001-07:00

REDIRECT TO TUMBLR.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!!

2010-06-06T19:36:00.001-07:00

Dearest Mum,

Have the very best birthday. I hope you are having an awesome time at Sui Goh's house with everybody and that you're really taking the break you deserve. I looooveeee youuuuuuuu!!!!

XOXO

2010-04-26T20:55:00.001-07:00

After days of anticipation, Chichi finally gave birth this morning to 7 pups. But they're all dead. May their pink little bodies rest in peace forever. And, may her next litter survive. 7 pups is a huge litter. Too bad the mortality rate was 100%.

Check tumblr for some picture awesomeness!

2010-04-11T22:28:00.001-07:00

You heard it!

YOU'RE the suckiest girlfriend ever!

2010-04-11T22:22:00.002-07:00

Ivan: What's wrong with your family! All don't have licenses!
Bean starts to fume
Bean: What's wrong with YOUR family! All big heads and small bodies! HAHAHAHAHA
Ivan: (with a scared look) No it's just me.. YOU SUCK!! You're saying I'm like a by-product!!! You're the suckiest girlfriend ever!
Bean: YOU'RE the suckiest girlfriend ever!

And Now We're Being Honest

2010-04-11T16:57:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I have to try really hard not to get sucked into the vortex of violence. I know that one instance where I feel like I want to pierce my eardrum really hard or pound my feet with weights and break a bone will just keep me in the vortex for the rest of my life and it's always a hard decision whether or not to go with it.

Glub

2010-03-22T13:43:00.001-07:00

I'm back to feeling like I'm drowning. Is it a hump or is it life? I can try to go running to get things off my mind, but I know I won't make it around the block. And I am struggling to keep my head above the water already, running can only make things worse (both literally and figuratively). I must persevere.

Nightmares again. I'm so sick of having nightmares. So sick.

2010-03-20T16:45:00.002-07:00

It's like being stuck in a loveless marriage with yourself. Everything you do is not correct, and it cannot be corrected. There seems to be a solution but in the long term evwerything falls to pieces. What then? Why try to solve something that's just going to keep happening? I find myself asking the same questions because I don't see a better future than this. What I had, which was horrible in its own way, was only a little patch of oblivion to what the world really is and how my life will really be like. I would much rather be alone where there's no possible way I can hurt other people's feelings while mastering my own.

Happy Birthday Ivan!!

2010-03-20T16:19:00.002-07:00

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of my "friends", I'm tired of everything. I just want to be by myself right now and for long while. This is probably the worst time for this to happen.

Happy Birthday Ivan!! Hope you'll like the cake tonight. :)

Happy Birthday Yeeyee!!!!

2010-03-20T16:07:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday to my dearest, most beloved Yeeyee! It is now officially your birthday, unlike yesterday when I called, and I LOVE YOU! I will call you later in the day when you will be awake!!!!!!!!!!

R.I.P

2010-03-16T14:07:00.002-07:00

You were a great hamster. You never fussed, never fought, never made a mess. You were kind and loving to your brother, and you loved your mealworms. I'm sorry you left us so soon, I should have been more careful with what the vet gave you. I hope you're in a better place now and I miss you so much already. All those wood sticks and the ladder that I got just for you, well, now nobody will use them because they were only ever yours. To Oreo, the most docile hamster there ever was, and yet curious and loving.

High five for rehab!

2010-03-05T00:55:00.003-08:00

Wooooh, it's time to feel alive! I'm starting to understand that well, yes, it helped for a long time, but the now requires me to start living my own life. But first, let me find a way to get rid of my eyebags. They are about to jump off my face and start their own colony. The weird thing is that I'm still sleeping about 10 hours a day. Gah... I can't sleep 12 hours anymore! I miss ALL the sunshine that way. It's extremely unhealthy to live like this. Must. Stop. Drinking. Coke.

Rachael Flatt

2010-02-23T20:44:00.001-08:00

Just watched her performance at the Winter Olympics, GOODNESS, you can see that she's just having the time of her life, and it shows in the way her performance shines!

Tragedy

2010-02-12T22:24:00.002-08:00

It's extremely tragic for the family of Nodar Kumaritashvili. Imagine having sent your son/brother/family member off in glory to the Olympics in order to have him pass away in an accident that probably could have been avoided or perhaps not been fatal, before the games even begin. I do not know what the engineers could have been thinking, leaving steel poles unpadded right at the turn of a hard curve on a luge track. Maybe it's hindsight, but that was quite an obvious danger that I think could have saved this young man's life. It's just a tragic loss, and they should close the track entirely. When someone's life has been lost, there's no room for compromise.

of course UBC!

2010-02-08T16:14:00.001-08:00

Ivan: To Vera Hello! How are you feeling? Oh, you feel like puking ah? Then of course puke at UBC la! Why do you want to puke at home??

The Male's Here

2010-02-08T13:21:00.001-08:00

Bean: Hey, can you check if the mail is here?
Ivan: I'm here. I'm the only male you need.

Cheek Obsession

2010-02-08T13:20:00.001-08:00

Ivan: Bean ah, can I ask you a question?
Bean: What?
Ivan: Wait, look up first, like face up. Then use your eyes to look down at me. Are your cheeks blocking the way?
Bean: PENGSAN!!!

嫉妒

2010-02-08T00:57:00.002-08:00

While talking about guys that were dancing up to me while we were in Fabric..

Me: So were you 嫉妒?
Ivan: No I was not 嫉妒 I was upset!!
Me: Were they good looking?
Ivan: Immediately NO!
Me: Did they go away?
Ivan: Of course! I glared at them!

Talk about territorial. Heehee!

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

2010-02-03T23:12:00.003-08:00

I've been having a lot of dreams, and I've been very good at remembering them when I wake up, but it's just that I always have to rush off to do something when I wake up, so by the time I get home and sit in front of my computer to type them out, I just can't be bothered anymore. They're so long.. and action packed.. and having to describe every little detail might drive me nuts, even though I simply do without them. So, I usually take the easiest way out and just decide not to write them down. I really should though.. having a dream diary is an interesting way to introspect.

There's been a whole bunch about the end of the world, and me having to save citizens of the world, and other crazy things like fighting on the top of a gravity-free building that's been designated to be a part of the new world in order to prevent the demolition of the old one.. and other weird things like that. I'm constantly jumping, shooting, flying, swimming with mythical creatures or something else entirely trippy. Sometimes I feel like if I could record my dreams with a video camera, I could probably sell them as movies. They really do take you for a ride.

Right, I was up till 5 am last night puking my guts out because I got food poisoning. My stomach seems to be having a lot of trouble lately. Grrrruble.

Is this for real?

2010-01-26T23:30:00.002-08:00

I've been weighing in at 47-48 kgs everyday and it's making me a bit concerned. I do feel a bit fat, but it's probably because I'm just not used to feeling so heavy or having that little tummy flabbing about above my pants. And yet I'm still hungry. I want beef steak soup with potatoes, and I want it now. And on top of that I want kit kat. I feel disgusting, overweight, oily, ugly, ARGH. This is not a good day, and to top it all off, I'm pretty sure I don't have pms right now.

Enough with the complaints. Ivan's been asking me all along if I like him with or without glasses and I told him very very honestly that I loved his glasses, and I do! It makes his head look smaller, for one thing, and he looks very very cute in them! Buuuuut, he doesn't believe me. It's nice to have your opinions treasured.

On another downside, I've been having horrible nightmares about Crescent lately. I dream every night that it's the last day before exams and that I've the whole semester's worth of work to study for the exam. Which of course is not happening, but since it is my last semester I seem to have some extreme stress factor, and it's actually been getting me very down lately. I'm crankier than usual and extremely irritable. I've cut down my food because of a lack of appetite and have been sleeping a lot and now I'm just going on and on about goodness knows what. I have to get back into some kind of normal person routine, and I think that next year I will have to move out into an actual apartment with windows.

At the moment, life is such a nightmare I wish it would go away. I don't want this!! I want a life that's fulfilling and exciting and memorable, not one made up of nightmares.

Pandan Valley

2010-01-19T22:32:00.003-08:00

I love Pandan Valley, but everytime I have bad dreams, it's in that place. Just like last night, to which I woke up with a full blown scream. Screaming! Enough is enough. Something's wrong with Pandan Valley in my subconcious, and I really want to know what it is. Growing up there had something to do with it, I suppose. It's frightening, really.

My Cream Cheese Danish Theory

2010-01-14T23:37:00.003-08:00

I've tried so many times to look mature, or pretty, or interesting and model-like. Bird-like, bone structure, I've thought about it all. I've thought about my thighs, my midriff and my arms. I've thought about my shoulders, the shape of my face and most of all, my legs and butt. But it's no good. No matter how much I try to look sophisticated and like a working woman, it just doesn't catch on! I look clumsy, like a kid in mummy's clothes.Unshapely, round, pear-like. I can't get my butt to perk in high waisted, A-lines, can't get my shoulders to round nicely into banana boats, v-necks or cashmere sweaters. There are so many things I cannot wear, the biggest bane I have is with tube tops and strapless bras. I look too fat, too skinny, too young. I've figured that no matter how much money I spend on the fitting or the make, or the material, it's just never going to happen. I think I'll just have to stick to looking like a happy kid, or a mod.

Sometimes, you have to have all the cream cheese danishes you want before you realised that it was ever so good because you only had one.

Are you sure you're well read?!

2010-01-14T20:32:00.003-08:00

America's First Legal Male Prostitute

I hate to say it, but to even compare himself to Rosa Parks... and the fact that it makes NO sense at all..

It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back. She was proclaiming her rights as a disadvantaged, African-American older woman. And I'm doing the same. I'm actually standing up now, and hopefully I can be supported by the male community and be understood as a person.

Are you keeding me?! What are you standing up for? Your rights as a male American to have sex for money? Ummm.. alright, quite the same as standing up against racial discrimination I suppose.

Women don't pay for sex, they pay for experience. And luckily for me, I don't have that much experience with sex, but I have the mentality and the emotion and gumption to make them feel the way they want to feel.

Okay, so you want people to pay to have sex with you, but you don't have much experience with sex. How does this work again?

2010-01-11T22:46:00.002-08:00

Ohhhh, this bean's got troubles floating over her head. Don't like feeling left out.