WWW.GEEK-SAUCE.COM

…I think it’s only fair that I give this thing a quick and painless death. This blog has been up for well over two years (in one form or another) but between my novel-writing aspirations, making the webcomic twice a week, and my daily freelance writing work, I’m simply spreading myself too thin. I’ve got fond memories of silly writings in this place, and it makes me joyful to know that, for a brief period, I had dedicated readers who liked what I wrote here and were much kinder than I deserved.

On the off chance that I feel like posting something here, I’m going to keep paying the hosting, but no updates are forthcoming. If I’ve got anything to say, it’ll be in comic form or in the Geek Sauce blog area.

Tootle, pip.

-Chris

Playing around in GIMP with brushes and opacity and MY NEW BIRTHDAY PRESENT: A WACOM BAMBOO TABLET PEN TABLET!!! Inspired by something I found on Reddit (of course).

I love this effing thing. Aside from the cool-factor of just being new and shiny and black and having that new-electronics smell, it’s helping me greatly in my drawing, sketching, and faux-painting. The pen tool feels good in my hand, while the smaller size tablet area keeps me from having to swing my arm in huge arcs. There’s a learning curve involved with using the pen tool and I still need my mouse at times for quick zooming in/out. I’ve been slowly learning all the Illustrator keyboard shortcuts and that’s increasing my productivity. In short, I’m still learning how to work with this thing.

The one issue I had was that installing the driver was a pain that involved re-installing my USB drivers and then multiple installs of the newest Wacom tablet drivers from the Wacom site (the one’s on the CD were outdated, but it was my computer’s fault, not Wacom’s. Still having a problem with Inkscape not recognizing the tablet, but it works great in GIMP and Adobe Illustrator CS4.

Expect more art in the future on HokeBlarg, but I think I’ll be posting some good writing stuff shortly.

-Chris

But we must soldier on. I consider this a fresh start, a new beginning. Oh, and in case you missed the most recent post that I lost, here’s the image I drew after being inspired by a Redditor who requested a picture of him (he posted a photo) planting a Canadian flag in a huge pile of dead zombies, wielding a chainsaw. I decided to give him a chainsaw hand, ala Ash from the Evil Dead series, because, hey, why not?

So, last week I started picking things and drawing them, letting my imagination run wild. My first few attempts sucked. They sucked so hard that they became little black holes of suckitude which swallowed some nearby files. But then my brain started linking up some old memories, rerouting power to long-abandoned booze-flooded power stations, and suddenly things started clicking.

As strange as it may sound, I sort of forgot that I could draw for the last few years. I’m pretty sure that the crazy years following high school have something to do with it. (Note to the kids: The drink known as the “Mind Eraser” makes a titular claim that it intends to back up.) I’m no Picasso, but I surprised myself with how well some of my most recent stuff turned out. Here’s my new avatar that I’m posting everywhere.

I drew some other stuff (a whale, a bass guitar, the wife), but can’t seem to find where I saved those files. Anyway, I got so excited with my drawing that I decided to make some fan art. I chose to pay homage to one of my favorite webcomics out there, Hijinks Ensue. The inspiration comes from the character Josh’s love of bacon and this infamous picture from collegehumor.com (warning: contains two clothed chicks kissing on a pile of beer kegs). Here it is. (Clicking it gives you a gargantuan version you can use as a desktop wallpaper if you like. Yes, you have my permission.)

As I draw more stuff, I’ll upload it here. I’d appreciate your feedback and/or drawing tips and if you have any art you’ve created, I’d be happy to link to it. I’ll also be incorporating some *actual* artwork into my webcomic, Geek Sauce, in the future, so be sure to check in there every Tuesday and Friday.

www.geek-sauce.com

We’ve already covered such deep and meaningful topics as the Incredible Hulk’s genitals and… err… Han Solo’s genitals. An unintentional theme, I assure you.

Just remember, for better or worse, the Geek Sauce webcomic wouldn’t be possible without your support. Thanks for clicking!

And then she found the hat section. Disappointingly for me, there were only women’s hats. She tried on a few and asked me to take a few pictures with her camera phone. So I did.

Then she informed me that it was my turn. I told her to forget about it, that I wasn’t going to embarrass myself by trying on what were clearly women’s hats, and that IF I tried on ONE hat for her pleasure (sicko) and she took a picture? Well, that the picture would never ever make it online, no way, no how, not in a million years. I shall NOT be made a fool in front of the Internets!

That was, of course, before I saw how the picture came out. I don’t usually like how I look in photographs, but this one? Weapons-Grade Hawtness. Seriously. Yellow is the new R-Pattz.

After that fun, we went over to the cinemas and saw Avatar in 3D. After all the hoopla and what with the phrase “game-changer” being thrown around so much, I was disappointed that it didn’t completely change my life, make my hair grow in thicker, and give me clear, beautiful skin. It was pretty damn good though and I think the wife may have summed it up best when she turned to me as we walked out of the theater and said, “I want to be a blue cougar-person! ME! I WANT THAT! ME ME ME!”

There certainly was a lot of blue skin in that movie. And there were flying raptors. With so many reviews out there and the fact that it’s already come and gone from the public eye, there’s not much else to say. Was it worth seeing? Definitely. Were the effects really that great? Heck yes, they were amazing, the best I’ve ever seen. Was the story epic? Eh, no. It was predictable. Were the female Na’vi sexy? Disturbingly so!

A good time was had by all. The spirit of adventure that night was not only followed; it was captured, skinned, and is now a decorative throw-rug in the bathroom. After five years, I’m still totally gay for my wife. Marriage, dear Internets, is a helluva drug.

We’ve been together a long time, right? How long has it been, eh? 3 years? Maybe 4? Yeah, I remember when I first saw you. I walked into the house that the wife and I were totally going to rent regardless of how it looked inside because the landlord told us he didn’t need a deposit and there you were: standing there in the kitchen, empty of food and drinks, but so full of love to give. So full of hope and promise and shelving.

“Retro! Sweet!” I said, noting your mustard-yellow/sort-of-avocado-green exterior. I remember marveling at your separate little egg compartments, your roomy cheese compartment, and your little butter compartment that actually said “Margarine”.  I almost kissed the landlord when he said that you came with the place, free of charge. My very own fridge, I thought, how cool is that! I’m gonna put SO much beer in you! You’d like that, huh? Oh yes you would!

But time has passed, buddy, and, well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think it’s time for you to leave. Every time I walk into the kitchen, there you are: lurking, looming at me as I try to make a sandwich. You’ve become distant and cold, my old companion, and not cold in the way you were before (which was the good kind of cold) but cold like my 9th-grade English teacher’s heart.

Also, you smell. I’m your friend and friends tell each other the truth, so take this to heart, err, motor. It’s awful. It’s the stench of a thousand pounds of bologna gone bad. It’s an odor that, I’m guessing, rivals Rush Limbaugh’s taint. It’s funky, brosef, and not like Kool and the Gang.

Clearly you can see that both the wife and I have moved on. That beautiful, spacious, non-leaking white box next to you ain’t a curio cabinet, my old friend. That’s your replacement. He’s just… well… better than you are. He’s got removable shelves that you can actually remove and put anywhere you want! He’s even got a water and ice dispenser on his front and… I don’t even have that hooked up yet, but damn that’s cool. I have always wanted one, since I was a little kid.

Plus he doesn’t leak. I can’t stress this plus enough. Many a morning have I stood before you looking for  the orange juice and realized that your fridge-whizz is slowly soaking through the bottom of my slippers. WTF, dude.

Sure, I’ll always remember the good times we’ve had. I’d stick something room-temperature into you and then, later, much later, you’d have chilled it nicely.  Sometimes you froze it completely solid, like that carton of eggs I bought a just before Christmas, but, hey, you know what? We all make mistakes. You remember that time I accidentally left that head of cauliflower in your crisper for, like, 27 weeks? Hahaha! Hey, maybe that’s why you smell so much…? Anyway, I digress.

The point is that lately you’ve begun to cast an oppressive shadow over the rest of the kitchen appliances. I can see by its demeanor that you’ve been taking out some of your foul mood on the microwave. It used to nuke up a burrito or a honey-dipped turkey-corndog with nary a whisper, but now it groans and pops with displeasure whenever I get near it. Heaven forbid I should touch the built-in popcorn setting and set off a Chernobyl-like meltdown. And I think the less said about the effects of your passive-agressiveness on the toaster, the better.

Maybe I’m to blame for your depression. Maybe it’s because I’ve been stacking pizza boxes on you lately, instead of putting pizza inside of you? Perhaps it’s the fact that I keep asking people if they need a fridge, right in front of you? Well, whatever it is, let’s try not to dwell on it. Let us not quibble over these things now. Not here, at the end.

In a little while, some crackhead from Craigslist is going to come and take you away because I told him I’d give him a case of Pabst. He’s promised me that he’ll give you a good home on his, uh, farm. You’ll be free to run around (What, your refrigerator doesn’t run? Well then get it fixed! LOLZ. THNX. I’ll be here all night!) and futiley attempt to chill things and he’s got a malfunctioning sub-zero freezer you can frolick with… it’ll be better for you. I promise. Would I lie to you, buddy? Huh? Who’s my brave little fridge, huh? Who’s my brave little fridge? YOU ARE! That’s right! YOU ARE!

In conclusion, try not to fuck up the paint on the door jam on your way out, and always remember that I’ll forever have a place for you in my heart. Just not in my kitchen. Or anywhere around my home.

Attached you’ll find some photos I took while you were sleeping.

Love and kisses,

Chris

P.S.: I’m gonna need that box of baking soda I left in you back, for the new fridge. I know, I know, I stuck it in you to try to fight your stench, but let’s be honest here: it’s not doing any good. You’re not fooling anyone: It’s just too powerful an odor. It’s some kind of super-stench that was engineered in a government lab somewhere and was smuggled into you at night. Jesus, my nose hairs are curling just thinking about it.

P.P.S.: And what the hell did you do to the linoleum!?!?!? Fuck me, that’s disgusting.

[tags]refrigerator, letter, craigslist, laura bush’s cold heart, rush limbaugh’s taint, horrible smell[/tags]