The softies banned a man from Xbox Live for listing his town as “Fort Gay, WV”.  Despite the fact that Fort Gay is a real town with a real zip code (25514) and everything.

Microsoft refused to even Google the town (or, ahem, Bing the town) because hey, they don’t have to actually do things–they’re Microsoft!  Rules are rules man, you can’t be from FORT GAY, that’s wrong!

Ban first, ask questions later.  That’s the Microsoft way!

I’m not sure what’s worse, though.  That the company tried to fire him for “stealing” 1.8 cents worth of electricty (I “steal” more than that every day charging my cell phone in a company outlet), that they waited twelve days to do it, or that the guy actually owns a stupid Segway.

In 1976, Canadian stuntman Kenny Carter decided he was going to jump the St Lawrence Seaway in a Lincoln Continental.  The jump would cover a distance of more than a mile, so he wasn’t going to use just any old Lincoln Continental.  He was gonna soup that bitch up with some sweet fins and some mofo rockets.

The jump proved more complicated than anticipated, as jumping a mile across a river apparently isn’t something you can do just on the spur of the moment.  Several backers of the jump came and went, until finally in 1979 Kenny was ready.  Or at least, he thought he was.  Mechanical failures caused him to abort an attempt at the jump just five seconds before takeoff.

The film crew who was then funding the jump decided Kenny was just a big chicken, and called him to a “meeting” in Ottawa just to get him out of the way while they brought in another stuntman, American Kenny Powers.  Because as everybody knows, if a Canadian isn’t dumb enough to risk his life on something stupid, the only answer is to call in an American!

Well, if you watched the video above, you know what happened.  Or, hey, if you just thought about it for a few seconds, you probably figured out what happened.  The car rocketed off the huge ramp, and… freaking disintegrated in mid-air.  The chutes deployed early, and American Kenny plunged into the river, far short of the other bank.  Kenny Powers lived, thankfully, although he broke 8 vertebrae.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don’t attempt a stunt even Evel Knievel thinks is a bad idea.

The police are currently holding the aggressor on ‘suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon’.  Presumably, they have to test to find out just how deadly a 5 pound cast iron pan is before they can officially charge him with that.  I’d hate to be among the test subjects.  Anyhow, any civilized person knows there’s only one rational way to solve this dispute.

Thunderdome cage match.  Two men enter.  One man leaves.  Oh, you want first crack at that dirty toaster and that broken AM radio?  You best be prepared to pay the price!  And I ain’t talking about the price on the tag, SUCKA!

Apparently somebody shot him in the damn head one New Year’s Eve and the dude was so plastered, he didn’t notice for several years!  Seriously, he just went about his business like nothing happened.  That is just about the most hardcore thing I’ve ever heard.  Several years later, the dude goes to the doctor to have a “cyst” removed, and oh hey?  What’s this?  A .22 caliber bullet?  Listen to how to dude describes getting shot:

Presented with the 5.6mm projectile, the man recalled he had received a blow to the head around midnight at a New Year’s party “in 2004 or 2005,”

A “blow to the head”.  That’s how he describes getting shot.  Just as if that happens to him every once in awhile, you know?  “Oh yeah, I remember now.  I felt a little sting up there last year–oh, you mean I was shot?  Hell, that explains it then!”

When asked for an animal with a three letter name, the first guy says “frog”.   Frog?  Well, ok.  He’s at least close!  Four letters is just one more than three.  The answer the second guy comes up with is indescribably awful, though–prompting Dawson to ask “You don’t use narcotics, do you Bob?”

Quick, name something that comes with a summer storm!  I bet nobody comes up with the answer Bob #1 blurts out.

Between the two of them, they’re so bad that Dawson allows the answer Bob #2 gave for the final question to be counted even though he answered long after the buzzer, because there was no chance they were winning the big money anyhow.

Man, I love game shows!

This guy apparently kept bears at his house, and people actually paid him to be allowed to wrestle with them.  Seriously, people actually paid money to be mauled by a bear, apparently.  I don’t get it either.

The craziest part of the article is this, though:

“A rescue squad took him [the bear owner] from the scene Thursday with an unspecified medical problem.”

An unspecified medical problem!  Is that what we’re calling “getting your head torn off by a big mean bear” these days?

You’ll notice, the story is about a tragic shooting near a college in Texas.  And yet, that picture…

That is, if I’m not mistaken, Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez.  Who, near as I can tell, hasn’t shot or been accused of shooting anybody.  He sure did punch some old dude in the face recently, and he’s getting a well deserved ration of shit for that, but shooting?  No, not as far as I can tell.

Google News often randomly mixes stories and pictures that have nothing to do with each other, but I find this one rather hilarious because anybody who follows baseball knows what a mess the Mets are–and anything that makes the Mets look worse than they actually are is pretty hilarious.

Fought on October 25, 1415, near the three quarter mark of the 116 year long Hundred Years War, The Battle of Agincourt featured an army of French nobles getting their asses kicked by a much smaller English army that consisted mainly of peasants.

It is debatable just how badly the English were outnumbered in the battle.  Some estimates range as high as 30 to 1, or as low as 4-3.  The accepted consensus puts the numbers  around 6,000 men for the English and between 20,000 and 30,000 for the French, putting the French advantage between 3 and 5 to 1.

The battle was fought on a narrow strip of land between two heavily wooded areas.  The English King Henry V was attempting to move his army to Calais after a long but successful siege of the French port of Harfleur.  The French had hounded the English all the way, and finally forced the English into a stand-up fight.  The English army was starving and sick, the French fresh and convinced of their impending victory.

As was the way of things back in the day, the two armies lined up at opposite ends of a field and had at it.  The English assumed a defensive posture with their formidable longbowmen on the flanks behind defensive stakes, and men-at-arms in the middle.  The field was muddy from recent rains.

The French had the English trapped, and refused to open the battle as they were waiting for more troops.  The English knew they could not wait, and so they actually dug up their stakes and moved forward to within bowshot of the French.  Amazingly, the French still did not attack–had the French cavalry hit the English while they were in the process of digging back in, it is likely the battle would have turned out rather differently.

After digging back in, the English opened the battle with a volley of arrows.  Finally, the French decided they couldn’t wait any longer, and the cavalry charged.  However, some of the French cavalry had apparently gotten bored and wandered away while waiting for the fighting to start, because the charge was not as large as it should have been.  The French Knights were not able to outflank the longbowmen, nor get through their defensive stakes.  The cavalry retreated in disarray, with riderless horses running amok through the advancing French lines.

The cavalry charge did little more than to churn up the ground over which the French men-at-arms would now have to walk to reach the English, all while taking volley after volley from the English archers.  They were exhausted when they reached the English lines, and because the confines of the narrow field made it impossible for them to bring their superior numbers fully to bear, the English were able to force a retreat after three hours of hard fighting.

The French had the advantage of superior numbers, of overall health and condition of the men, and they had numerous cavalry that the English lacked.  However, at the end of the day, they were decisively beaten.

Is anybody surprised?

So somebody stole more than 100 garden gnomes from the front lawn of an Arvada, CO woman.  Here’s the crazy part.  She still has plenty left.  More than one hundred gnomes were stolen, but she still has like fifty left!

“You can’t have anything nice anymore,” the woman said.  I think she’s implying garden gnomes are nice.  Here’s a hint, ma’am:  Your neighbors got tired of those freaky-ass eyesores and paid some kids to go chuck them in the river.  It even says in the story that “none of her neighbors saw a thing.”  Of course they didn’t!  The were all conveniently looking the other way.

What is it about tacky-ass shit like garden gnomes?  Why are some people totally into them?  Man, they creep me the hell out.  I’d not want to live next to that lady, for sure.