Honey and Lance

Obama and Sarkozy Staring At Hot Chick’s Ass

Lance — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 21:48:39 +0000

Heard about this pic on Hardball and had to pull it up. It’s posted at the very top of Drudge Report:

I totally don’t have a problem with two world leaders checking out a hot chick’s ass. In fact, I would be upset if they didn’t. I’m leaving for my date an hour away in 10′.

Wish me luck phukkers!!

Lance

Lance’s First Date Checklist

Lance — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 19:54:01 +0000

Last time I checked in I mentioned how I met this cool girl at a 4th of July party. Well, we communicated over Facebook this week and set up a date for drinks this evening. Whoa!! That’s right, an actual first date with a perfectly normal girl that I met not in a bar, club, or crappy dating website. I was starting to think that wasn’t possible. Anyway, I’m pretty psyched because I think we’ll get along great and have a blast.

I was thinking about the psychology behind first dates and the right way to frame the interaction and I came up with this first-date checklist of sorts. When you think of first date checklists you’re probably thinking: bubblegum, cell phone, cash, condoms, etc. This list isn’t like that (not that I don’t have those things). This is my inner game checklist and it helps to get me in the right frame of mind for a first date.

My primary goal is to make sure we both have a good time and get to know one another a little better.
My secondary goal is to generate attraction and create sexual tension.
My baseline goal is to go for an extended makeout at the end, but I’m open to anything, including nothing.
I might grab her ass if I get the chance and/or have enough to drink.
Creating tension is another way of saying, “we have chemistry,” so I’m looking to develop chemistry.
I will exist in the present and enjoy the experience.
My timeframe for the date is 2-3 hours, but I’m open to anything happening, including it ending early.
I’m looking forward to talking about the things I’m interested in talking about.
I have conversational topics queued up: books, travel, sports (we share a primary sport), current cities we live in. I’m expecting a bunch of threads to open up.
Testing new material
One routine I want to run is my Nerd Routine. Basically, I establish that she’s a nerd/dork via teasing and then I launch us into trying to one up each other on who’s the bigger nerd. This is loads of fun. I did this a bit over Facebook earlier in the week and it worked great. Adult nerds are generally high value (intelligence, good jobs) and I’ve noticed that projecting an image of a confident, cool nerd generates strong attraction in intelligent women because of the inherit nerd vs. cool guy conflict. Conflict equals sexual tension. I haven’t field tested this fully, but I feel pretty good about running my Nerd material. Will report back next week.
I have no expectations and there is zero pressure. If she thinks I’m a douche and wants to throw a martini in my face, that’s totally fine. Actually, that would make a really funny blog post.
Getting rejected is fine.
If she flakes, which is totally possible, I’ll take it in stride and go hang with my boyz.

That’s basically it. To summarize, I want us both to have fun, there won’t be any pressure, I’m looking to develop chemistry, the convo will be good, and I want to test new material. I think with an open mind and a goal or two, you can really improve the experience of your first dates. What’s on your checklist?

Summer Lovin’…or Not

Honey — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:53:04 +0000

Sorry about the long absence, my peeps! It was due to a multitude of factors:

I went out of town for a few days for some freelance/contract work,
When I got back parking & transportation services had moved my car (I was parked on campus) and I (and the police) thought my car was stolen for a horrible, horrible 24 hours,
I caught a disgusting cold that laid me up for most of a week (stupid airports/airplanes), and
By the time I was better I’d given it to the BF (and we all know sick guys are wussier and take more caring for than sick girls do), and
Lance basically hadn’t posted in months and I decided that my responsible and regular posting was only enabling him, so I went on strike to make him post and find out what he was up to. Hey! It worked! You can send your eternal thanks to honey [at] honeyandlance.com

Every day I have said that I’ll write a post when I get home from work, but pretty much all that was happening was that I was experimenting with different varieties of homemade soup (yesterday I made watermelon gazpacho and it was amazing) so here I am writing away at work. I’m naughty that way.

Things have been pretty stressful lately at casa de Honey, mostly because the BF is still horribly overworked…see, he picked up a bunch of extra projects when he thought they might have layoffs because he was trying to make himself indispensible. Well, they’re not laying anyone off but now he promised to do all this shit and everyone else apparently felt secure enough in their jobs to go on vacation so there’s no one to give the work to until some folks come back.

He did say that one guy who needs some projects comes back into town next week and he’s also going to go into work on Saturday and Sunday while I am gone (I’m going to Colorado for 5 days to visit a friend and see her new baby) so hopefully by the end of next week things will have settled down a little. He’s been miserable enough lately to contemplate quitting, which with new car payment coming due for the first time soon, would not be a good thing.

But in awesome news (at least I think it’s awesome, because I am a personal finance dork) the BF finally agreed that he needed a budget!!! It turns out his previous strategy was make so much money you never need to track anything because you always have more than enough, but after 2 full years on the job where he either came up short or just under the wire every single paycheck, it clearly wasn’t working. So he asked me for the Excel file that I designed for myself and we’ll see where that goes.

Next I’d love to get him using the snowball method to pay off his credit cards, but we’ll see how the whole budget thing works before I get too crazy (I frequently think about almost everyone I know, if you’d just let me manage your life for 6 months you’d be so much further ahead, but a) most people aren’t into that and b) I don’t really have the time, so I have to rein it in pretty constantly). I am on track to have all my credit card debt paid off in under a year, which I am very excited about (considering less than a year ago I had about $20K), and I’d love to see him make quicker progress too.

Oh, and this isn’t a Save the Date card or anything, but we did decide on a wedding date: May 12, 2012. We have long loved our anniversary because we have been exclusive since the day we met, and he had mentioned several times that he’d like to get married on that day. So we looked it up online and it turns out that the next time it falls on a weekend is in 2012, which will be our six-year anniversary. This is a nice date to shoot for anyway because we can save up enough money to do it right!

We have also decided that the wedding favors are going to be M&Ms with our initials because when we started dating I referred to him by his first initial on my personal blog to anonymize him, and the nickname stuck with all my friends, who have never called him anything else. We constantly refer to ourselves by our first initials. Also, after reading this article about wedding cake that Dadshouse linked to, I have officially delegated that task to the BF. Okay, it could also be because I hate cake and can’t imagine eating a whole piece of it, let alone tasting a bunch of different ones to figure out which I hated least. He can be in charge of the whole outside and as long as the external frosting matches the wedding colors, we’re good. Actually, as long as I get exactly the ring I want, I’m sure I’ll be fine

And boy am I glad that we talked about it, however casually! It turns out the BF’s wedding strategy was going to be insist on being in charge of whatever is easy or sounds interesting and have Honey do the rest. Um, no. I actually told him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable making a single decision without his input – just to make him sweat a little.

How do you feel about weddings? Leave a comment below and then enjoy these other fine posts:

A Perfectly Normal Girl At A Fourth Of July Party

Lance — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:39:44 +0000

Totally unexpectedly, I met and attracted a perfectly normal girl at a 4th of July backyard party over the weekend. You read that right, no drunken hookup, no bar makeup, no same-night-lay, and thank the maker NO Match.com chicks. I was beginning to wonder if it was even possible to meet a normal gal the “old fashionded” way, that is to say, via friends at a social event.

To make a long story short, I went to a friend’s house for a party where my primary social circle was in attendance. Almost immediately, I noticed a cute gal approximately my age who I had never seen before, which was unusual, because I was certain I knew all the friends of the people in my circle. It turns out she used to be a regular at this athletic club I belong to, had taken a job and moved an hour away, and only occasionally came back to town when our mutual friends invited her to a particularly large event, such as a party. Within 10′ I had homed in on her, opened and locked in for some solid introductory convo.

If anyone is interested, my opener was a literal introduction (”Hi, my name is Lance, what’s your name?”) and a handshake followed by asking her how she knew everyone at the party. Nothing exciting, but it was all that was needed.

Stats: Teri, age 29, athletic-slender, brunette, dorky engineer type who had discovered her inner sex kitten later in life, which combined with her innate dorkiness to create a really attractive and fun vibe. I guess this is what guys mean when they say they like nerdy girls. Likes Star Wars and Star Trek. Sarcastic sense of humor. Best feature is legs.

By the end of the party I had had several good conversations with her, played a couple of games of Cornhole where we partnered up, and I ended up giving her a shoulder and back massage while the party wound down and fireworks popped across the horizon. It was totally cool.

By the end of the weekend we were Facebook friends and firing off witty, teasing emails to each other. I’m cautious, but I think this one has a bit of potential. What’s a good sign is that our sense of humors are highly complimentary and she reacts to my teasing perfectly.

My reservation, which isn’t huge at the moment but could get big in the future, is that she lives an hour away. Not convienent, but certainly not a crushing blow. Question: would you date someone an hour away?

If things go well over email the next day or so, I’ll try to set up a meetup for drinks in her town. This is a solid lead and I’m kind of psyched about it.

If you’ve recently meet an attractive person the old fashioned way, you might like these posts also:

Lance Revealed!

Lance — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 22:15:37 +0000

My favorite little vlog hottie, Jackie, aka the Girlwithnoname, was dying to know what I looked like, so I figured screw it it’s time to take the mask off. Ladies, please try to contain yourselves for when you see the glory that is Lance. See below the jump for recent pics, guaranteed to get your juices flowing. Be sure to send your undying love in electronic form to lance at honeyandlance dot com.

XOXO,

Lance

I Got A World Beating Hummer and Then Pulled A Muscle To My Right Nut

Lance — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 02:18:07 +0000

In this post I’m going to talk about getting the best blowjob of my life, so if you’re not into that, you might want to read this blog instead. It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything personal and extra-dirty and it’s high time I got back to it. Plus, I was inspired by this post about a dirty city girl finally getting laid.

Okay, so here was the situation. I’ve been officially broken up with my ex-girlfriend, Megan, for several months now, and in the interim we were doing this quasi-dating-fuck-buddy thing. That ended about two weeks ago, or at least I thought it had, until I invited her to meet me out for dinner to catch up. Yeeeah, you know where this is headed.

We went to dinner, had a great time, drank a bunch of mojitas, and then magically appeared back at her place. I think I needed to pick up a book or something (full disclosure: I borrowed book 1 of the Twilight series and did in fact need to borrow book 2). We were clearly still attracted to each other and there was plenty of sexual tension throughout dinner. I knew I was going to make some kind of move, didn’t know what it would be, and I also knew the evening could only end in severe disappointment or totally awesomely, nothing in-between.

At her place. I waited for an opportune moment, came up behind her, put my arms around her waist, and started kissing her ears and neck. It’s worth noting that I didn’t know if she would go for it, afterall we were broken up, and the move could have easily backfired, but I figured fuck it and I was in. Then I ran my hands up and down her body and gave her ass a few little squeezes. There was monster sexual tension and I had a hard-on that I could have smashed a cinder block with. She moaned quietly with her eyes closed.

Still standing, I reached under her dress and pulled her panties down to her ankles. I kissed my way down her body and made my way between her legs. I started lapping at her pussy. It was delicious. She moaned and shuddered. I thought she was going to come right then and there. While she was still standing, my head between her legs, I licked her until she came. Then I moved her to the couch and set her on her back. She took her dress off en route. I went down on her again, this time seriously getting into it, doing some crazy shit with my tongue and fingers. She orgasmed twice more, at least, each one building in intensity. I wasn’t done though, I kept at it, starting slowly and then building again, this time putting my tongue directly in her pussy and rubbing her clit with one hand. She came again like a hand grenade blowing up. It was friggin hot, and I have to admit I loved going down on her.

I was going to lead her into the bedroom and give her the Lance business, but she had other ideas. She set me up on the couch and took my cock into her mouth. She got totally into it, sucking away. In her living room, by candlelight, with her sucking my cock, it was gorgeous. People, I’ve had plenty of great blowjobs, but this was far and away the best of the lot. Seriously, the combination of sexual tension, familiarity, naughtiness like we weren’t supposed to be together again, and time away from each other amped it up to the max.

It built until I exploded. This was the most intense, most insane, hardest orgasm I’ve ever had, ever, and it was so intense it was painful. I had to physically make her stop doing stuff while I writhed around in pleasure/pain. Major sensory overload.

Afterwards, we spent the night together. Here’s the fucked up thing. In the morning, I woke up and had this horrible pain in my groin. I figured I must have pulled a muscle. The pain extended all the way to my right nut, though, and I couldn’t quite figure out what I had done to myself. Walking around and sitting was annoyingly painful. I ended up talking to a pal of mine about the world beating blowjob and he said I likely pulled a cremaster muscle, which is the muscle that attaches to the back of the testicle and moves it around when your nuts get hot or cold. Not making this up, this muscle actually exists. The nut muscle.

So there it is. A blowjob so intensely powerful that I pulled my nut muscle. I’m sitting here writing this blog post and my nut is a little bit sore right now. Can you believe it?

If you’ve ever pulled a nut muscle, you might also like these posts:

Get Fit and Improve Your Dating Prospects

Lance — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 19:06:03 +0000

This is a guest post from Jackie, aka The Girl With No Name. Jackie is a popular video blogger based in Vancouver, Canada, and she specializes in fitness and achieving fitness at home. She’s also a fantastic Twitterer and her stream was so popular that she won the 2009 Shorty Award for best sports Tweets–beating out @lancearmstrong! I’ve been communicating with Jackie over Twitter and email for a couple of months now and I finally managed to pry a guest post out of her. True to form, this is a vlog that reviews some awesome tips for working out at home and why getting in fantastic shape will help you improve your dating prospects. Enjoy.

So you date. Do you date at the level you’d like to date? And by that I mean are the people showing interest in you as hot as you’d like? If not, well I know one very solid way to raise your game. Get fit!! Seriously kids, it raises your confidence level as well as your physical appearance. And are hot guys and hot babes ever attracted to confident, fit people.

Ok, so you say “Oh, but I hate the gym. I can’t afford the gym… blah blah blah…” Well sorry, your excuses suck!! And here’s why. I hate going to the gym too. I mean really hate it. Big muscle-heads powering me out of their way, smelly guys who haven’t bathed in days sweating it out, equipment that is never free when I need it, friends who only want to yak their heads off making my workout twice as long listening to their incessant chatter? Right. Hate it. So, I don’t go. I’m fit. As a matter of fact, I’m VERY fit. And I got this way without ever stepping foot in a gym.

Take a look at the video. I show you how you can get fit at home, even if your space is extremely small (like mine is).

So listen kids, get the hell off your couch and get rocking with the weight stack. You won’t regret it, trust me. And next time that hot guy or hot babe looks your way and smiles you’ll even thank me!!

Working hard at keepin’ it real
Girlwithnoname

If you enjoyed watching Jackie work out, you might also like these fine posts:

Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?

Honey — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 21:54:02 +0000

Apparently the universe is apologizing for my terrible weekend. First, the BF was able to verify with his supervisor that a) his company isn’t going to do any layoffs, and b) even if they were, his position wouldn’t be in jeopardy. Awesome! So he’s going to try for a little work/life balance and we’ll see how that goes.

Second, remember how I’d been trying to decide whether I should go back to school or take on some freelance work? Well, in this post I mention that I’d decided to go for the school thing, since (as DD tells me repeatedly) it’s a) a kickass opportunity to try something new and different, that is b) also super-cheap. I applied last week (after the pleasant surprise that employees don’t have to pay application fees) and am admitted – as soon as I can find the time for my previous university to send over my proof of MMR then I’m good to go!

Side note: it’s okay for me to WORK here, directly with the students, with no proof of MMR, but when it comes to taking classes – whoa! Somebody better make sure that girl had her shots! Um, what?

In any case, I’ve identified some potential courses for the fall and my backup (a women’s studies course in the same area as my diss) seems like it will work if none of the interesting communications courses open up. Then, lo and behold, I get an e-mail from a former sorority sister that works at a publishing house.

Apparently, this company that sometimes contracts work through them was looking for someone to develop an online course, and they were under a time crunch and coming up empty on someone with the necessary qualifications (a PhD in English/writing, experience taking & teaching online courses, experience working with adult learners). Well, in a fit of desperation he was looking through LinkedIn and came across my profile (I’m friends with 2 or 3 other folks who also work there, and I used to do contract work for them when I was getting my Master’s, so he saw my name come up multiple times).

She e-mailed me, I e-mailed him, and $2500 later, I am going to be flown to the East Coast for two days next week (all expenses paid in addition to the flat fee for the work). And he assures me that 2/3 of the work is going to take place while I’m there in person, with minimal follow-up before and after. SWEET!!!! Plus my name’s out there if any of the three publishing/educational companies that are involved with this project need anything else done.

Now the only question is whether to put it all toward my credit card or do something like a credit card payment of $1000, put $500 in savings (since taxes won’t be taken out), and do something utterly fantastic with the other $1000, like get myself a year’s membership to a yoga gym. What an absolutely delicious pickle, and all without having to choose between school and freelance work! I do think that since I’m out about $1200 for the year because of furlough, this windfall won’t affect the bottom line of my taxes too much, but it never hurts to be sure.

Networking/Game Lessons: put your name out there as many ways as you can, keep in touch with everyone, and be open to possibilities!

What would you do with the $$? I have about $4600 in savings, about $5800 in credit card debt, and no room in my regular monthly budget for anything that’s not a necessary expense. Leave your advice below, and then check out these also-upbeat posts:

Being Tall vs. Great Game? Take the Game.

Lance — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 02:36:00 +0000

Penelope Trunk wrote a provocative post today, about how tall people are generally more successful at work and make more money. In her post, she begins by arguing that good looking people do better in life than not-good-looking people. No doubt. You can’t refute that. Midway through her post, though, she switches gears and says that tall people are the folks who are more successful. She is equating tall people to good looking people. Okay, I guess P-Trunk likes tall dudes.

Of all the tall people I’ve meet through work and other avenues, the tall ones are ALWAYS the awkward, gangly types. I’m talking 95% here. Yes, I’ve bumped into a few tall VP’s and CEO’s who are decent leaders, but they weren’t the leaders I would follow to hell and back. In fact, I generally find white, male (tall) management types soft and unattractive. The men and women who are TRUE leaders are always the medium sized, highly intelligent, highly socialized, often times physically attractive folks (but not always).

I draw my conclusions from being a professional sports coach, where I’ve coached well over 1000 athletes, and also from working in various tech businesses. Overwhelmingly, the people who are “tall” are not the leaders. The leaders, the ones who are really compelling, are the medium sized peeps. These leaders have traits in common, and here they are:

1. Excellent articulation: True leaders have an excellent capacity to express themselves and put thoughts into words. Not only do they communicate well, but they know what to say and when to say it. They also know when to shut up and let their people talk. In social artistry, we call this calibration. Good leaders are well calibrated.

2. Excellent Empathy: You vibe with your people on an emotional level and have compassion. More than anything, having empathy will bring you followers. This is always combined with #1 above.

3. Excellent body language: Every social artist knows that body language can make up for nearly every physical “deficit” he might have. Only 5′4?No problem. Don’t fidget. Don’t slouch. Stand up straight and project like you’re the fucking man. Great BL will blow away a tall sloucher any day of the week. See my personal example below.

4. Attitude: You’re confident, occasionally cocky, and project an attractive attitude. You’re also cool as a cucumber.

5. Presentation: Not as important in a sports environment, but critical in business. Dress well and sport a great haircut and you’re halfway there. Seriously, simply outdressing everyone gives you a huge edge. Also, don’t just dress well, but dress uniquely.

6. Walk the walk: No question, you have to be talented in your niche and produce the goods when needed. Don’t think for a second you can bullshit your way to success. If you’re a pretender, everyone will know it.

That’s basically it. Forget plastic surgery and lifts to get yourself over six-foot. If you can deliver the goods and cover the items above, it won’t matter how tall you are, and to a certain extant, how good you look. Almost every great leader I’ve ever met was neither tall nor good looking; he or she simply knew what they wanted and fucking OWNED it.

Interesting Personal Example: This happened to me after I wrote the post. I met with a potential freelance client for dinner. He was 6′5 and weighed probably 240 lbs. A big dude. He was also out of shape and had terrible body language. I rocked up with my alpha body language, projected cool, spoke with authority, and blew the guy away. Seriously, my vibe was so alpha that he couldn’t look me in the eye until midway through dinner and he keep playing with his hands. I made in-roads over dinner and by the end he was my BFF. By no stretch of the imagination am I a tall dude.

P-Trunk, I still think you’re hot even though you’re tall and gangly. Don’t get a nosejob, that would be super gay.

Crummy Weekend

Honey — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:16:11 +0000

So the weekend actually turned out kind of crummy. On Friday, the BF completely forgot that he was going to come home early and cook me dinner, so he came home after 9 p.m. I’d finally given up and had a bowl of sweet pea soup around 8:45 but ended up going to bed hungry. The BF promised that he’d make the fish for lunch the next day.

Well he woke up with a list of errands that he wanted to run…he didn’t get out of bed until after noon, so I asked whether we were still having lunch. Then there was a disagreement about how to cook the fish…he did end up doing it on the grill (which was my preference) but between that and the fact that making lunch didn’t give him enough time to get one of the most important errands (having some dress shirts tailored) done and also we got to the car dealership to pick up our floor mats and wheel covers 20 minutes before they said they would close…and they were closed.

So he was crabby all day – then a friend of his wanted to go out for drinks that night. He’d been avoiding calling her because he hoped she’d forget, but she remembered so we set it up. He went to take a nap and asked me to wake him up around 8:45 (we were meeting her at 9)…well I fell asleep in front of the TV and didn’t wake up until 9:30. Somehow this was my fault and he hadn’t shaken his crummy ‘tude from earlier in the day, but off we went to the bar.

Where he was negative all night and picked a fight with me over nothing important and didn’t apologize until Monday, despite the fact that he got too drunk to drive his new car home so I was the DD and walked his dog after we got back (at 2 a.m.). I realize now that he just woke up that way and I should’ve a) not said anything about the fish, and b) not accompanied him on his errands or to the bar. I have a tendency to want to be around him when he is like that to make sure that he’s okay, but it never does any good. I need to be stronger about leaving him alone until he’s over whatever’s bothering him.

We don’t have days like this often but when we do it is really disheartening. I know that I have taken things out on him before when he had nothing to do with why I was cranky, but…

Fortunately he heard that his work is not going to have any layoffs after all…he heard this from someone at his level and so is going to try and verify this with his supervisor. Hopefully it is true, in which case he can stop killing himself and get a little work/life balance again. Then maybe he’ll act like a human being.

In other news, while I won’t be blogging about it as much as DD, but I have gotten on the Weight Watchers bandwagon. I am 5′3″ and currently 147 lbs (size 8). My goal is 120, which is where I look and feel the best. Wish me luck! I am also thinking about joining a yoga gym and getting a corporate massage membership through work…I have had the same crick in my neck for over a month. It is time to start taking care of myself!

Oh, and I got copies of my dissertation in the mail yesterday! The BF was flipping through a copy and, pointing to the “acknowledgments” page, said, “where did you acknowledge ME?” I told him to flip the page and there it was…I dedicated the whole thing to him. He was thrilled - he had no idea I’d done that. He was a beaming, giggly mess for at least 15 minutes and said, “well I guess we have to stay together forever, or else that dedication will be kind of awkward” (especially since I didn’t dedicate it to him by name, but using an ooshy-gooshy nickname…).

How was your weekend? Let me know below, and then procrastinate whatever you should be doing by reading these posts instead: