So what’s been new? I’m still working out and am down 21 pounds. I’m still running outside 3x a week, having re-started Couch to 5k outside. The stupid floody rain that’s been plaguing Chattanooga for the past week drove me inside today and I had to run on the treadmill for the fist time in a month. I wasn’t sure what to expect. The last time I ran on the treadmill I barely made it running one mile. Imagine my surprise to find that I was able to run two full miles! I really took for granted how much more physically demanding running outside was, ESPECIALLY here in Chattanooga where flat surfaces are few and far between. Yay for progress!

We are getting ready to take a road trip up North to see my family. My brother is getting married in a little under four weeks so Memorial Day weekend, the three of us will be piling into the car and driving 12+ hours. Hold me? I’m not sure what to expect because I’ve only ever flown with Nellie before. Any advice for long car trips with a 3 year old are welcome.

What else? I am slightly obsessed with the show Girls and finished both seasons in like a week. I know people hate Lena Dunham (seriously. Google “I hate Lena Dunham”) but I like her. And I like the show. And I like you! And I also like beer.

Have you been watching Game of Thrones? How badass is Danaerys Targaryan?! If you don’t watch GoT, what the hell is wrong with you?

I don’t have much else to say. I’m going to do my best and keep updating here frequently but I’m investing a lot of energy into the column. If you are so inclined, swing by Nooga.com every other Tuesday and check it out!

I will leave you with this Bad Lip Reading video of The Walking Dead.

Tonight, it was the movie Brave.

I was watching it with my daughter when it got to the part where Merida has a flashback of her mother when Merida was little. There’s a thunderstorm, and Merida gets scared so she hurries to her mother. Her mother looks down at her lovingly and tells her: “I’m right here. I’ll always be right here”. The two snuggle and begin to sing softly together.

I was sitting on the couch, cuddling my own curly-headed lass during this scene and out of nowhere tears began streaming down my face and I had to choke back a sob. If you’ve lost your own mother, you may be nodding in agreement, perhaps with a lump of your own in your throat as you remember the countless times your mother comforted you.

My sadness doesn’t really come from a place of missing my mother. I think about my mom all the time and the feelings that come with it are almost never ones of longing for her. I don’t miss her. Were there times when she comforted me as a child? Times she took care of me, told me she loved me, and was a mother to me?

Yes. That’s the bitch of it. I had that once. She was that to me, once. And then the woman who gave birth to me, the woman who mended my scraped knees and calmed my fears was gone. She didn’t leave, she didn’t get in her car and drive away and never look back. But she was gone just the same. There, but forever changed. Her inner demons won the battle for her and she was no longer my mother.

I was about eleven when all of that happened and ever since, I’ve been a motherless child. I had her once upon a time; so long ago, in fact, that it feels like a dream. The memories of my childhood feel as if they happened to someone else. There have been so many times that I’ve wanted a mother’s guidance and advice but even before she died, she wasn’t available to me – not really.It wasn’t for lack of want on her part but by the time she had even remotely gotten her shit together, it was me who was no longer there.

I wonder where she is now. I am not a Christan and I do not believe in the concept of heaven and hell. I either believe in nothing, or in reincarnation… If that makes any sense at all. I don’t feel my mother – ever. I have no sense that she lingers here, that she watches over me and my family. I felt her at first. For about a month after she died, she was here, in my apartment.  I have no doubt. I’ve never really told anyone aside from my husband and best friend about this, but after mom died, I felt her here. I can’t explain how I knew she was here… She just was.   I was never comforted by the thought or the weight of her presence. I wasn’t threatened by it, exactly. It just made me feel sad and burdened.

In life, everyone  felt sad and burdened by her. It may sound harsh, but that was my mother. Anyone who knew her felt that way more often than not. I guess that’s why she didn’t hang around.
Her life was wrought with heartache and misery… I wouldn’t want to stick around a moment longer than I had to in a life like that. I still wonder where she is now. Is she whole? Did she get to leave the sick parts of her behind and begin a new life without all of that darkness on her soul?

For her sake, I hope so.

“Where are you now, where are you now? Do you ever think of me, in the quiet, in the crowd?”
-Mumford & Sons

I feel awkward now.

Anyway. Nothing too exciting here, just a rundown of some things that have been going on in my life. The first and biggest is that I re-started Couch to 5k after having some major issues running outside versus a treadmill. I had my fourth run today. The first three were really difficult. I was having some major IT band pain, shin splints (which I haven’t had since about week 3 of C25k the first time), side stitches, etc.

I’m not sure about where you live but where I live there are almost no roads/trails/paths that don’t have some kind of incline. It is very hilly here, and my body was just not prepared for that. At all. I about died the first time I tried to full-on run and that’s what made me decide to re-start C25k.

Today was the first time I didn’t have any pain when running. Yay! I was concerned and tried to rest appropriately while not totally losing my motivation. After today’s run I can safely say I’m back in love with running – even more now that I’ve taken it outdoors. It’s so much more challenging and interesting to run outside and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to get back on a treadmill unless I absolutely have to.

I hit my second major weight loss milestone: this weekend I weighed in and I have officially lost 20 pounds. WHEE SIRENS BELLS WHISTLES CLOWNS – wait nevermind. Fuck clowns. THERAPY LLAMAS INSTEAD. 20 pounds is HUGE but it’s only the beginning. I have least 20 more to lose – ideally, I’d like to lose another 30.

Last week, Josh and I had a genuine, bonafide adult date night. ….. Not in that sense, you sicko. Jesus. Seriously? Take your smutty mind elsewhere. This is a FAMILY BLOG. I mean we got to go out to eat (we chose local friend-favorite Taco Mamacita. I loved it, Josh did not.) AND to a concert. After dinner, we headed to Track 29 to check out Marc Broussard.

If you are unfamiliar with Marc’s music, here is perhaps his most popular song, and he did play it the night we saw him.

It was a great show. The opening act was good, Marc was awesome, I drank a little too much but we had a hell of a time. While we were leaving I kept insisting that we come back in June to see the Dropkick Murphys, but Josh kept insisting that I couldn’t handle the mosh pit that would probably end up happening. I totally could. Mosh pits forever.

So that’s what has been going on lately! It’s been a good few weeks especially since the weather has finally warmed up here!

What’s new with you?

Today was the day of my first 5k! I got up bright and early and headed downtown with my teammates to the Color Me Rad 5k!

I wasn’t sure what to expect. Last week I took my run outside for the first time and it was ridiculously hard, and I ended up not being able to run as much as I had been able to on a treadmill. I decided I would just play it by ear and do my best.

Long story short – I did not jog the entire way but I DID jog more than I walked! I ended with a time of about 44 minutes, which comes out to about a 14-ish minute mile. I am not unhappy with my time at all and the most important thing is that I had SO MUCH FUN. So much fun, in fact, that once it was over I immediately wanted to do it again.

Here are some photos from the day!

I have decided to re-start C25k but run outside only. I’m thinking about downloading a zombie training app – one that’s kind of like a game, and you run from zombies, and can hear them chasing you and stuff. Because who WOULDN’T run from that? It’s also appropriate considering my goal of running the Run For Your Lives race in September!

If you are thinking about doing a color 5k but aren’t sure – DO. IT. You DON’T have to run the whole thing. You don’t have to run ANY of it. But I promise – you will have SO MUCH FUN.

Instagram is an interesting social media platform. It’s where you can go to feel better about the photos you take, thanks to the handy filters they let you apply to the photos. Does that selfie you just took of yourself make it look like you haven’t slept in a week (because you have children and YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK?) no worries – Earlybird is here to the rescue. Do you need to make that beer bottle look extra cool and edgy? Slap a little Lo-Fi on it and you’re good to go.

Anyway, Instagram is awesome but there are those out there who just don’t seem to get it. Here are the easiest ways to get yourself ditched from my feed forever.

Be a Selfie Whore. I get it. You like your face. And your hair. And your makeup. And taking shots of half your face to show your inner angst, or what the fuck ever. If 75% of your Instagram photos are OF YOUR FACE, I will fucking unfollow you. I KNOW what you look like by now, because every third picture I scroll past IS OF YOU. Post a picture of that cool building you saw on your walk, that angry duck you thought about feeding but didn’t for fear of your life, or a cute shot of your kid running from the duck as it got angry at the lack of bread – but for fuck’s sake, don’t post four pictures of you before, during, and after said walk. UNFOLLOW.

Spam My Feed. I follow about 200 people on Instagram but sometimes, you wouldn’t know it, because there are a few folks who will post about ten photos IN A ROW. Photo 1: selfie. Photo 2: selfie, different angle. Photo 3: daughter. Photo 4: daughter, different angle, duck face (DIE), and peace sign fingers. Photo 5: screencap of text with best friend. Photo 6: blurry Facetime screencap with daughter with duckface (DIE) and peace sign fingers. ONE RIGHT AFTER THE OTHER. OH, MY, GOD. SERIOUSLY. STOP WITH THE PHOTOS! This is NOT what Instagram is for! Give other people the chance to post pictures on my feed for crying out loud. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MY FRIENDS ARE EATING, AND YOUR DUCKFACES ARE CLOGGING EVERYTHING UP. UNFOLLOW.

Post Photos You Didn’t Take. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Instagram for sharing photos that you took with your own camera? I don’t need to see that meme of Grumpy Cate with the Mayfair filter applied to it. HE’S STILL GRUMPY. If you want to share memes, use Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Pinterest. NOT INSTAGRAM. Instagram is for posting photos and then feeling absolutely horrible about yourself & your creative abilities if you get less than 15 likes. UNFOLLOW.

Make Your Life Seem Like You Eat Rainbows for Breakfast and Have a Pet Unicorn that Gives You Unlimited Luck and Fortune. I am all for positivity. I love happy pictures, cute kids, running puppies, and all that jazz. But if every single one of your photos is cutesy and saccharine and accompanied by “LUV THIS KID” or “SO BLESSED!” captions to the point where it makes me want to vomit uncontrollably into a plastic bag, UNFOLLOW. No one’s life is that perfect and happy – NO ONE. Not saying you have to air dirty laundry in public, gripe about your life, or anything like that but come on. Show me something real. Not something fake because you’re afraid of being judged for having like, three glasses of wine after your 3 year old dumps shampoo on your EVERYTHING. No judgments here – I am drinking a glass of wine right now.  UNFOLLOW.

Post Nothing But Pictures of Your Child/Dog/Cat/Hair/Necklaces/Feet/Eyeballs. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. Do you want to eat plain oatmeal every day? NO YOU FUCKING DON’T. Neither do I. Throw some cinnamon in that oatmeal and by oatmeal, I mean your Instagram feed. Take a photo of that cool ass flower you saw! Snap a picture of your froyo. Catch your kid on camera doing something cute. But for the love of God, stop posting the same shit over and over again. No one cares that much about your shoes or eyeballs except for you. I don’t follow you so I can look at picture after picture of your necklaces and feet. I follow you because I’m a fucking crazy person who likes to look into the lives of other people and so far, your life is your cat, a necklace, an eyeball and YOUR GODDAMN TOES. You are the most boring person to stalk ever and I’m going to go hide in someone else’s bushes now.

Post Phots of Gross Things. I will unfollow you on Instagram if you post pictures of: Dead pets. Chicken feet. Open wounds. Infected shit. Animal tongues that you’re planning on eating. Your teeth. Your toenails (unless they’re painted and cute). Dog slobber. A closeup of your sweaty-ass face. Spiders of ANY KIND.
SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE. ALL OF THAT SHIT IS GROSS. Instagram your food AFTER it’s cooked. Take pictures of your pets WHILE THEY ARE STILL BREATHING. I don’t need to see that time you chopped your damn finger off and had to get eleventy million stitches. And your teeth? I HAVE TEETH. THEY LIVE IN MY HEAD,  AND THAT MEANS I  DON’T NEED TO SEE YOURS.
By the way, all of the items mentioned above are actual photos I have seen in my Instagram feed. UNFOLLOW.

Do you have an Instagram? What are your biggest pet peeves?

Last week I had to run 20 straight minutes. I’m not gonna lie – it was hard. I failed the first time. The second time I did it, but only by decreasing my pace pretty much the entire time. I have been jogging at 4.8 MPH for a few weeks now. I ran the first 8 minutes at my usual speed and then turned it down to 4.4 for the rest of the time. I’m not very happy with that, but everything I have read about running says not to focus on your speed but your ability to finish and keep going, that you can focus on speed later. So, I’ve been trying to remember not to run myself too hard and listen to my body.

I decided to start taking progress photos. I took my first set the other day. I am down 17 pounds in this picture, which kind of makes me cringe because clearly, I have a lot of work to do. That just means I was really heavy. I’m kind of glad I don’t have any starting pictures. When I began tracking my calories on December 17th, 2012 I weighed 209 pounds. This is me on March 18th, 2013 at 192.

Like I said, I have a long way to go but I am happy with my progress so far. I am down 17 pounds in 13 weeks, and that’s pretty awesome. 7 weeks ago, when I began C25k, I could barely run for a full minute and now I’m up to 20. That is also pretty awesome.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is Jenny’s memoir of her unusual experiences so far in her life. She writes about growing up poor in the beautiful city of Wall, Texas (where’s Wall?), her taxidermist father who often brought home truckfuls of bloody animal pelts, the time she was stabbed in the face by a serial killer, and her pet raccoon, Rambo.

This book is laugh-out-loud funny. It is also a very honest look into the ways Jenny has had to deal with issues with social anxiety, depression, feeling like a misfit, multiple miscarriages, and other things that aren’t so light-hearted in nature. She writes with an honesty that I admire so much.

One of the things I love most about her is her openness and willingness to talk about things that not everyone wants to talk about. She is one of the reasons I am also so open here on my blog. Jenny has always made me feel like less of a misfit because she shows me that there ARE other people out there who are socially awkward, who have the same sense of humor that I do, and who swear and are still successful writers (this book was a New York Times #1 Bestseller, y’all.)

If you haven’t read Jenny’s blog, do it now and go ahead and just buy a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened – you won’t regret that you did.

DISCLOSURE: I received both monetary compensation plus a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened for this post as part of the BlogHer Book Club. You can read more about this book or join the discussion by visiting the BlogHer Book Club’s discussion of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I really do read The Bloggess and she is truly my funny lady writing idol.  These thoughts and words are 100% authentic, and 100% my own.

Still here? Okay, good. This post is about things that will get you unfriended by me on Facebook. Now I KNOW that Facebook posts are a two-way street. I know that not everything I post is a favorite of every single person I am friends with. I know that people probably get tired of me posting about my runs, Barack Obama, vodka, and Downton Abbey. That’s fine. If they don’t like it, THEY can unfriend ME. I don’t give a damn. So before you go getting all “I CAN POST WHAT I WANT ON MAH FACEBOOK WALL IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT DON’T LOOK”, I am just saying: if you would like to remain my friend on Facebook, refrain from doing any of the following things:

Post Animal Abuse Pictures. HOLY FUCK, Y’ALL. If I see one more damn picture of an emaciated dog, or sobbing cat, or guinea pig with half a body and the rest of its body attached to some kind of tiny guinea pig wheelchair (… actually that might be kind of awesome. That’s like the Professor Xavier of guinea pigs) I’m going to scream. And then drive to the house of the person who posted the picture of Scruffy the Ribcage Dog and scream obscenities at them. And then I will unfriend them. Because seriously, folks. I know animals get abused. It sucks. It makes me sad. But for crying out loud: I DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT SHIT. And I know that some activists would argue, “But you don’t really GET IT, man, unless you see it”. WRONG. I get it. AND I STILL DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT SHIT. Post all you want about your Schmoopsy Poo cat, or that lost dog in Texas – that’s fine. But stop it with the abuse pictures. Really.

Repeatedly Post Memes/Images that Are Grammatically Incorrect or Have Ridiculous Misspellings. I don’t care how much I agree with something. There could be a meme going around that is a picture of gay men getting married while riding unicorns to Barack Obama’s house and then Mumford & Sons is in the background playing the new husband & husband a song. If it’s got big blocky letters on it that says: “CELEBRATE THERE MARRIAGE” I will fucking scream and throw something across the room. And NOT SHARE THAT AWESOME PICTURE. So if you repeatedly share pictures with stupid spelling errors on them, UNFRIEND. Bad grammar makes me hurt in the brain.

Excessive Amounts of Republican Propaganda. I have Republican friends. Really, I do.  I get that not everyone sees eye-to-eye. But I am a Liberal. My heart gets more and more bloody the older I get. I believe in equality for all, help for those who need it, that everyone should pay their fair share, and in affordable health care. If someone consistently posts sentiments that vehemently oppose everything I believe in, I will unfriend. And you know what? I completely understand if someone wants to do that to me. Really.

Passive-Aggressive/Vague/Constantly Negative/Partner-Bashing Posts. “Feeling so sad and depressed right now but I don’t want to talk about it so don’t ask”.
Really? REALLY. Okay, seriously. Why do people do this? I understand wanting to reach out for help, I understand feeling sad and lonely. But if you don’t want to talk about it… DON’T TALK ABOUT IT. The passive-aggressive and vague posts drive me insane.The negative ones are another one. And before you think I’m heartless, I am obviously not referring to times of tragedy and hardships. But if every other post is griping about how awful your day was, how much your life sucks, how hard you’ve got it… Come on. Post a rainbow once in a while. And the partner-bashing? That is some high school shit. Please don’t air your dirty laundry and bash your significant other on FACEBOOK. Wait until they come home and scream in their face like a normal person. Stop putting it out there for all of your friends to see. We are not 16 years old, y’all. Unless you are 16. And then, you still shouldn’t do that. It’s not nice. GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Posting Spoilers. Listen, y’all. I love TV Shows and movies. And I love to be surprised by the twists and turns that the plots throw my way. I deliberately DON’T TRY AND FIGURE SHIT OUT because I want to be surprised. So when I log on to Facebook early in the morning and one of the first things I see in my feed is a big, fat, Downton Abbey spoiler? I KIND OF WANT TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR FACE. I understand that season 3 is over and has been for a few weeks, but there are some of us without cable. Some of us can only watch it via Amazon. This one, as shallow as it may seem, is the FASTEST way for me to unfriend you. Because if you will post one spoiler, you will post more.

Okay so now my rant is over and you all probably think I’m a crazy and irritable bitch, but in case you don’t, what are the quickest ways to get you to unfriend someone on Facebook?

I made Nellie a Spotify playlist a few weeks ago and loaded it with her favorite Disney songs from Tangled, The Princess and the Frog, The Lion King, and a few other movies. She loved it so much, and it made me feel so happy to see her singing along each morning on the way to daycare.

And then I heard “When Will My Life Begin?” one too many times and wanted to dig my eardrums out with a bobby pin. So I got to thinking: how can I get my child to like cool music – the music I like? I decided I’d give the songs names that would appeal to her. Here are a few of Nellie’s favorite songs from my playlists, along with the “fun names” I gave them:

1. Little Lion Man A.K.A. “The Lion Song”. Okay, so this might not be the most appropriate song for her to listen to (“I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?” being one of the lyrics), but it was one of the first songs I introduced her to that wasn’t sung by a chirpy-ass princess.
2. Wake Up, Little Susie A.K.A “Wake Up Little Kitty”. Nellie is obsessed with cats. OBSESSED. She has this small stuffed cat I brought her from Chicago. One morning, she came to me and said, “Mama, tell this baby kitty to WAKE UP!” I started singing “Wake up, little kitty, wake up!”. Once we got to the car, I turned that song on and sang it like I just had and now it’s her favorite song to sing.
3. These Boots Are Made For Walking A.K.A “A Song About Boots”. I told her it was a song about boots and started laughing hysterically at how silly that was. It worked.
4. The Age of Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In A.K.A “The Moon Song”. “When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter lines with Mars” is the first line. So I told her it was a song about the moon. I also told her that her zodiac sign is Aquarius and that the song was pretty much all about her. Which might be a lie. It’s really about hippies and probably LSD.
5. Brand New Key A.K.A “The Rollerskate Song” Told her it was a song about rollerskates. I’m not sure she even knows what rollerskates are, but she loves this song. It is kind of awkward, though, because all I can think of when I hear this song is that one scene in Boogie Nights. I’m also relatively sure that “I’ve got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you’ve got a brand new key, I think that we should get together and try them out, you see” isn’t REALLY talking about rollerskates and the key that goes with it. AMIRIGHT?
6. Radioactive A.K.A “The Toothless Song” This one might be my most creative. Radioactive is a song by Imagine Dragons. Nellie loves “How to Train Your Dragon”, specifically the dragon Toothless. So I told her the song was about Toothless.
   I am a liar. The song isn’t about Toothless at all.
7. Cocaine Habit This one has no alternate name.  She just started singing it one day. Again, not the most appropriate song but Josh and I love some Old Crow Medicine Show, sooooo…… Plus, you have to admit, there is something funny about hearing a three-year-old sing “sign on the door that says ‘no more dope’!”. Or is that just me? Just me? Awesome.

The downside to this, of course, is that once she fixates on a song she insists on playing it over and over and over. The fact that these songs are ones I enjoy make hearing them on repeat slightly more tolerable than the Disney songs, but I’ve about had it with the Everly Brothers and “Wake Up Little Susie”. LET LITTLE SUSIE SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. No more Little Susie.

What are your kids’ favorite songs?

Here are the worst things about living in an apartment, in no particular order, because I’m lazy.

1. That awkward moment when you cross paths with someone in the hallway that you’ve seen coming and going for the entire 3 years you’ve lived there but don’t know their name. “Oh hi… You…! How’s that…. Dog…cat? Child? Of yours? OK BYE”

2. Hearing the shower upstairs run at the same time that you are taking a shower. Both of you are naked right now. Eeeewww.

3. Worrying about a fire. What if those damn rock n’ roll loving heathen kids upstairs leave their bong on? EVERYONE IS INCINERATED. THANKS A LOT, CAPTAIN DOOBIE OF THE U.S.S. REEFER.

4. My goddamn upstairs neighbors and their elephant-dog. I’M SERIOUS. This thing is a magical creature. A freak of nature that shouldn’t exist. I will catch a rare glimpse of it in the mornings as it’s pissing outside. It looks like a sweet little boxer pup. Aside from this dog’s morning tinkles, it only awakens between the hours of 11 P.M. and 1 A.M. and when it does, it is suddenly an elephant. That’s tap dancing. With shoes made of lead.  And then it throws bowling balls across the floor.  HOW IS THIS DOG SO LOUD? Sometimes, I think the residents themselves start on one side of the room and run, full-speed, to the other only to crash into the wall and onto the floor. *stompstompstompstompBANGTHUD*

5. The swimming pool. I took Nellie to the swimming pool last summer and she loved it. I loved it! Fun pool times for everyone! Then I went swimming in my sister-in-law’s pool, and realized that her water doesn’t have a weird oily film on the top of it. Wait, you mean all swimming pools don’t make you itchy after you get out of them? MY SUMMER WAS MADE OF LIES.

6. Sharing physical space with someone when you are checking your mail. Those little mail areas are tiny, and I always dread having to walk into the little hallway when someone else is there. It’s even worse when their mailbox is near mine. I don’t like making small talk – it doesn’t come naturally to me – so I just give them this weird awkward creeper half-smile and avert my eyes to the ground. What the hell am I supposed to say anyway? “Ohhhh, cable bill, huh? What do you watch? Oh, really? Honey Boo Boo? Eeeerrrrr….. I left my humidifier on and I think it’s burning my apartment down.”

7. People who park thisclose to your car. All I can say about that is this: A;SLKDJF;ALDFJ;LAWUOI4UTAKJGMDN,N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Bugs. Let’s face it, even if you keep a clean place, you are sharing a building with many other people who may not be as tidy as you. Sometimes, bugs happen and sometimes, they make you piss your pants because they’re so close to the light switch when you reach around your door to turn on the light at 2 A.M., you almost touch them and their revolting little exoskeletons from hell. ….I mean ….

9. You don’t really know the “history” of your apartment. Who knows what could be hidden in the walls? Cockroaches, mold, fungus, dust, bodies – there is just no telling.

10. Drunk college people stumbling home at 2 A.M. and screaming at each other. Hey, guys. I get it. I used to be you, believe it or not. Just because I sit at home on the weekends in my oversized a capella chorus shirts and watch Downton Abbey doesn’t mean I was always lame as shit. And really, I’m not THAT lame. I love that Thrift Shop song, and I am pretty sure that makes me cool. But seriously, folks. PIPE THE FUCK DOWN IT’S 2 A.M. AND MY CHILD IS SLEEPING. IF YOU WAKE HER UP I WILL BASH YOUR KNEECAPS WITH HER TOY SWORD. LET’S SEE YOU EVACUATE THE DANCE FLOOR WITH BROKEN KNEES.

Those are my least favorite things about living in an apartment. What are yours?