{HOPESMILINGBRIGHTLY}

Luz Y Amor {Light and Love}

2012-02-24T11:14:00.002-07:00

*photo taken by heatherhamer.com in Santa Maria, CA at the LDS Stake Valentine Dance.

We have a family "motto", or theme, if you will.

Luz Y Amor

It is inscribed on the inside of Vic's wedding ring, we used it on the giant banner of Lucy displayed at a Memorial 5K in Park City, and it is above our front door (gifted from a wonderful blog reader).

For those of you who don't speak Spanish it is pronounced (more or less)-- Loose Eee Amor. Or I guess you could say--Lucy Amor. It would sound about the same. Though, technically, it is not a hard "S" like loose or Lucy. More like LOSE. (Which, by the way, is a huge grammatical pet peeve of mine. LOOSE is to loosen something, like the belt around your jeans. LOSE is to lose something, like your wallet or your mind....or your daughter).

But I digress...

As you've guessed, it means, "Light and Love".

I really hope I am creating an environment of LIGHT and LOVE in our home for my husband and children. I really do buy into the saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Or the flipside--"If mom is happy, everyone is happy."

I have done a better job at remembering to do certain small things that aid in my overall happiness. Like always having a great book to read. Makes a HUGE difference in my life. Getting outside no matter how cold it is. Having dinner on the table every night (I'm very proud about this!), and engaging with people I love either on the phone or taking the time in real-life to see them, no matter how tired I feel or how much hard work it may SEEM with Peter involved. It is always worth it in the end.

Which is why I'm thrilled to announce I'm heading out the door 26 weeks pregnant to hit the slopes on this fine Park City bluebird day!! I'm giddy as a school girl!! (Peter is at his Grandparent's house for 2 1/2 days and the fun and projects are just beginning).

Want to weigh in on my facebook quandering? I'd love to hear from you. If you'd like to friend me on facebook, be sure to say "blog reader" in the little message space when you add me. Just so I know from whence you came.

On Being a Small Person

2012-02-23T09:34:00.001-07:00

My hands are so small that I can't keep bangles on my wrists. Someone should make child-size bangles. It's not so much the size of my wrists, as it is my hands. They just aren't wide enough to keep those darling, diverse, wonderful staple of a wardrobe item on my arm. They literally slide right off.

I have to sit so close to the steering wheel when I drive in order to reach the pedals, that the steering wheel rubs up against my belly when I make turns. Something akin to rope burn.

We have at least three step stools in our house. Kitchen, my closet, and a free floater for every other room.

Vic bought me a collapsable and more portable stool to take to places such as the movie theatre (would it be appropriate to take to the temple?), concerts, etc. I sometimes stack hymn books under my feet at church.

Even sitting on an airplane, my feet dangle in the air and my back can never get a rest!

Reaching to the backseat of the car to help Peter with something is sheer torture. I just can't reach. He's gotten pretty good at catching things and I don't think I've ever hit him in the face while throwing back a sippy or snack. Knock on wood. (Not to mention it just isn't safe and I shouldn't be doing it anyway, unless I have pulled to the side of the road).

In all seriousness, I asked the Motherhood Maternity store if they had a "kids section". Everything is too long. It took me a moment to realize what I had said. The look on the clerk's face was priceless.

I can't reach my babies/children when they are in their cribs. I should have Vic take a photo of me from behind while trying to reach down and pick up this new little girl (once she arrives)--I am more or less upside down with my feet dangling in the air.

Do I burn more calories when I run because of how many more steps/rotations I have to make in order to go the same distance as a taller person?

Most people who read my blog and meet me in real life comment on my size.

All 7 of the Beehive girls (ages 12-14) whom I teach at church are taller than me and wear a bigger sized shoe.

Peter is over half my height.

I once searched the entire outlet mall in Park City for a white button up shirt and a pair of heels and couldn't find anything in my size. THE WHOLE MALL! One employee suggested GAP Kids but they weren't carrying white button-ups at the time.

80% of my clothes are hand-me-downs or garage sales. No joke. The accidental shrinkage factor that happens when clothes are dried has proven to be a great blessing in my life. "This shrunk and no longer fits me, I thought it would be perfect for you..." I LOVE and LIVE for hand-me-downs. (And stores with petite sections).

My just-turned 8 yr. old niece loves to wear my shoes when we're together. She inherited a pair from me. (That I inherited from my sister. Again--hand-me-downs).

This makes me wonder two things: Will I be this small again after little girl is born? And how old will Peter be when he surpasses me in size? Seven years old?

While being "small" is nice in so many ways, people don't realize how frustrating it can be when it comes to clothing, doing everyday chores, and random other things. Maybe that's why I love my super tall friends--we can relate on opposite ends of the spectrum. And for some reason, women in Park City are super tall.

What challenges do you face being the size that you are? It is strange for me to even call myself "small" (especially while pregnant...when I'm clearly NOT), because of my past history with eating disorders--which I want to blog more about soon.

Why Blogs are The Bomb

2012-02-22T15:42:00.002-07:00

A huge THANK YOU to all of your for your WONDERFUL advice! My goodness. So many good resources, so many wonderful parents, so many crazy kids! :)

The past few days have been much better, but that doesn't mean we don't need to have a PLAN and stick to it, have him tested, read helpful books, etc. It just means I've been happier the past few days and had a bit more control. I can't thank you enough!

Isn't it great to know you are not alone?

Speaking of not being alone, I hope you will all join me at my benefit concert this year for A Good Grief! I get the poster design tomorrow and would love to have you help me spread the word.

Thursday, March 29th @ 7:30 p.m. Historic Murray Theatre-SLC. But we'll talk more about that later when I announce who is performing and some of the families we are helping.

I'm off to call early intervention.

Meet My Readers Monday

2012-02-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

WENDY

I have known Molly since junior high at least. She's a year younger than I am so we didn't hang out too much, but we probably slept over at Kym Mann's house together on several occasions, doing all those fun slumber party games where we tried to make each other faint or pretended to be hypnotized. I do remember one particular time in high school where Molly and I were talking to a couple of boys about a dance coming up that weekend. Neither of them were going, and neither Molly or I had been asked. I remember thinking, "Hello? Two cute girls right here!" Come to think of it, they probably both asked Molly.

Also, can I just say--Molly can SING. For such a small person, she has a seriously hefty set of pipes. I was lucky enough to hear her perform several times in high school and got chills every. time. If she puts on another Good Grief concert and you are within a 300-mile radius you should absolutely, positively go and hear her. I will do the same.

I lost track of all sorts of people after high school. Molly was no exception to this. When blogging started to take off, it took me awhile to get on the bandwagon. Once I did, though, I was hooked. I blog-surfed into Molly's blog and was delighted to see she was still the cute, spunky, amazing Molly she had been in high school. I debated about leaving a comment. I almost did, but I wasn't sure she would remember me. So I chickened out.

It was probably only about a month later when I saw on a mutual friend's sidebar a picture of Molly and Vic and Lucy with the admonition to pray because Lucy was in the hospital. I was in shock. It had only been a short time before when I had read and laughed about Lucy saying, "I need some more gas."

There is a natural order to life, expectations that we have. One of those expectations is that children are not supposed to die before their parents. It simply isn't supposed to happen. As a mother, I ached for Molly. I had no idea what she was going through, but I could imagine. And while my imagination is vivid and strong and ripped at my heart, I was also well-aware that in my imaginings I had hardly tipped the iceberg. I regretted so much not re-connecting with Molly before. For not letting her know she had another friend (you know, if she remembered who I was). I sent a card and I prayed for months. I read this blog and I wept many times. I held my own children closer, longer, and tried not to take for granted their happy smiles and laughter. I tried to be less-irritated when they were cranky and more loving when they were disobedient.

Several months after, I started going through my own tragedy. My twelve-year marriage was in serious jeopardy. I spent my own dark period of grief when I realized that my own expectations of being married forever to my best friend were being completely altered. I continued reading Molly's blog and marveled at her strength. I now knew the worst pain of my life. I wasn't sure how I could ever escape the tripwire I seemed to continually run into--that this was my life and it wasn't anything like I thought it would be.

When Molly had Peter, I was so happy for her. So happy to see her joy and her healing. And yet, I still appreciated that she didn't sugar-coat or varnish her grief into anything it wasn't. When I made the painful decision to get divorced, I hoped it would help with my own healing. It has, and I have received a measure of peace that I didn't have before. However, I still have times when the pain reaches out from behind and tears through me unexpectedly. Where I have to stop a moment and catch my breath and say a prayer to get me through the next moment. And I still cry, though not nearly as much as I used to.

Molly and I reconnected via Facebook and I was so glad we did. (She did, after all, remember who I was.) I was able to let her know--without feeling too much like a crazy stalker--how amazing I think she is.

Thanks, Molly, for teaching me about grief, about what a terrible, wonderful, life-changing thing it can be. I am a better person for knowing you, and I'm thankful you have shared your soul with so many.

HER BLOG: earwaxtasteslikecrayons

*Editor's note: Wendy was one of my favorite people in high school and I always wanted to be closer to her. We were both short, petite, fun girls and I admired her. I remember being at her house once and seeing the "weights" she used to lift to stay so buff. They were plastic milk gallons filled with water, maybe? I will never forget that. Wendy's life journey with her children and former husband is something I think few can comprehend.

Maybe This Post Will Help me Feel Better...

2012-02-20T10:17:00.001-07:00

You guys know that Peter is a very high energy kid. VERY. Not just an "above average" 3 yr. old (3 in April). He's far and above an "above average" high-energy 3 yr. old. He is INTENSE. He is VERY purposeful and demanding and KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. He often hits other children, screams in my face, runs or takes off on his bike in any direction that he wants, doesn't budge on any sort of compromise or offer or suggestion. It's his way--or the highway. And its exhausting. I can't even begin to paint a picture of him at his worst. It is very ugly.

He's always had this "thing" about my glasses that I have on first thing in the morning before I put my contacts in. He hates them and for over a year has ripped them off my face when he sees me and puts them back on my night stand. I keep telling him, "Mommy needs to be able to SEE." And I will often "sneak" them back on my face when he's not looking and hope he forgets about them. This often does not work.

Not only does he want to control the eye wear on my face, he wants to control EVERY LITTLE THING. I couldn't even pour myself a glass of juice this morning because apparently that isn't what Peter wanted and he and grabbed it from me and wanted to pour it down the sink. Once I got him settled (and had to hide my juice drinking from him) and poured him a bowl of cereal, he began to claw the inside of my mouth out when he saw me take one tiny bran flake from the box and try to eat it. I can't breathe, I can't SEE, I can't eat, I can't drink, I can't sit on the pot, I can't do ANYTHING unless its what Peter thinks I should do. It's LUDICROUS! And he makes it known with such brutal physical force and ear-piercing screams.

Of course I put him in a full body lock and stomped up to his bedroom and put him in time out in his crib tent. I am now sitting on my bed sobbing while listening to him scream in his room. He is a BEAST. Why does he do this??? He is the roughest kid in his gymnastics class and its exhausting for me to take him these days. I often leave completely embarrassed about his behavior and exhausted to the core.

Oppositional defiant disorder? ADD? Bad parenting? We do 1-2-3 Magic technique with him rather consistently--quite consistently (you count to three and give them time out, basically). We teach him "yes" and "no" and "thank you" and "please" and how to share and read to him at night and have him on a good sleep schedule and bathe him and feed him and spend every waking second with him by our side (he doesn't play well by himself so I am literally 4 inches from him at all times). He sets the table for dinner every night and likes to "help me" cook.

But I'm telling you--he is a TYRANT. What 3 yr. old cares about the fact that his mother is drinking juice? It wasn't because he wanted any...he just wanted me to pour it down the sink, and for me take my glasses off, and for me to NOT eat anything for breakfast, and for me to sit directly next to him at the breakfast bar. It's like the word "NO" comes out of his mouth before I even ask him anything.

His behavior is maddening. MADDENING-- and scares me so much because it causes impulses to erupt that make me want to down right abuse the kid. I just can't take it. I have no idea what I'll do when the new baby comes.

Heaven help me.

P.S. He is not like this ALL the time, but morning's are especially horrific. Thankfully, he was quite well behaved on our vacation last week. Other than ferociously fighting with his cousin, Thaacker. I tell you what--raising kids is not a joke.

The Schizophrentic Vacation

2012-02-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hot and Sunny

Cold and Rainy

Happy and Rested

Exhausted and Grumpy

FOOD POISONING and THE RUNS

Mouth-watering Thai food and happiness

Smooth flight

Bumpy flight

Incredible behavior

Tantrum 2012

Seeing old friends

Meeting new ones

....and so much more.

Many thanks to Cathy for hosting us, as always, and Paul and Kristyn for the fun double-date dance night, putting up with Peter and showing us the sights of San Louis Obispo.

Overall, it was WONDERFUL!

Highlights: -Santa Monica Pier on my birthday. It was truly a magical day. Peter loved it! The rides, the arcade, playing in the ocean for over an hour in his diaper. He was enthralled. It was one of those perfect days that will go down in the books.

-Thai food at my fav place in Malibu. PREGNANT CRAVING DREAM COME TRUE!

-Braving Disneyland in the cold and wet the day after throwing up ALL DAY (and all night for Vic). We did it! And we enjoyed it despite being dehydrated and still recovering from a NASTY bug.

-Deciding to pack Peter's bike in our big suitcase and seeing him ride it on the boardwalk and around West L.A.

-Trader Joe's

-Seeing Vic's brother and his wife and watching the boy cousins duke it out.

-Taking our crib tent with us and putting it over the pack n play. Best sleep we've ever had on vacation!

-Meeting Abbey, a FABULOUS, lovable, adorable, wise blog reader who brought me lunch and took us to the airport. (Plus, she's Jewish so I automatically was in love. I've said before, I have a thing for Jewish people). She could use any and all support and love, if you feel so inclined to click on her blog. She is a lovely, lovely soul.

-The tacky Madonna Inn. Loved it.

-Gumball Alley

-Seeing the same steel drummer on the pier who was playing music during THIS VIDEO of Lucy. People must wonder what is wrong with me and Vic when we are smiling at each other and crying at the same time at the most random moments. Like walking into Disneyland and on the Peter Pan ride...

-Valentine's Dance and getting to hear Lea Cabrera Hubbard sing and see her cuteness!

Photo Shoot Giveaway Weiner

2012-02-11T16:44:00.002-07:00

One of my faithful commenters, Robin, is the winner of the photo shoot giveaway! You guys, I hate picking a winner. I made my sister-in-law, Kristyn type the numbers into Random.org because it stresses me out that you all can't win.

Email me at mollymjackson@gmail.com and I'll connect you with Heather to schedule the photo shoot.

And for those of you who'd like to hire Heather and receive 20% off, tell her you found her through me. And don't forget that part of the proceeds from your photo shoot go to benefit A Good Grief to pay for the headstone of a devastated family who's lost a child.

Robin said...

I would love to be able to surprise my son and his sweet wife with professional photos of their family. My son has worked so hard to get himself through school. He graduated from BYU, then went on to graduate school in Idaho. I feel so ashamed that I was not able to acknowledge his success in a proper manor. My life changed when the economy changed so financially I was unable to give him a graduation gift I felt adequatly expressed how proud I am of his accomplishments. He has such a sweet little family, and I would love to give them the gift that photography offers - visual memories. Thank You.

It's my Birthday and I'll Blog if I Want To

2012-02-10T09:44:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Molly Jackson! I'm so proud of how far you've come. I'm so grateful for all the enriching relationships you have in your life--because that's what life is really all about. I'm glad you decided to start Zoloft a few months ago. I've really seen a change in you. I'm anxious and nervous and excited to see another little girl come into your family. Thank you for being patient with me as I learn and struggle through life. I love you!

Love,

Molly Jackson

...and I'm glad you decided to pull up your boot straps and travel to California with a crazy toddler. Exhausting but fun! Have a great 6 days in the sun and wear comfortable shoes to Disneyland.

Photo Session Giveaway

2012-02-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

A sweet blog reader of mine has offered to do a FREE family photo session in Utah Valley, including a disc of 20+ images for one of my lucky blog readers. (You can live anywhere, but will need to travel to Utah Valley for the photo shoot).

Wouldn't this be a great Valentine gift? Are you an actor who needs new headshots? So many possibilities.

Check out heatherellisphotography.com to view more of her work. Thanks, Heather!

To enter: Leave a comment telling me what you'd do with the photo. (Give it to grandparents, frame it in your house, give as a birthday gift, etc.) Winner will be chosen at random this Friday and announced on the blog as well as via email.

P.S. If you don't win, you can still receive 20% off your photo session if you tell her I sent you. AND, she will donate a portion of the proceeds from the sales to A Good Grief. It's a win-win!

Meet My Readers Monday

2012-02-06T14:02:00.001-07:00

VANESSA

My name is Vanessa Pollard and I am a wife and mother. Those two words define the whole reason I exist. Me, my husband Steven, and 19 month old daughter Layla live in Sandy, Utah where we love every last bit of where we live and the people we surround ourselves with. I came across your blog through another blog of an angel mom. Your emotions and your words coincide with everything I feel in regards to loss. I have found a kindred spirit in the way you talk to your sweet Lucy.

My husband and I married and started trying for a family a year into our marriage. We found out pretty soon in that we were going to be climbing an uphill infertility battle. After both being diagnosed with fertility issues, 2 miscarriages and the premature birth and death of our son due to a cervical issue we were devastated. Some women may say their faith helped them through. That was a large part of my desire to continue to battle the powers keeping me from being an earthly mother, but honestly I think the majority of it was my stubbornness. I wasn't going to let death win. We were pleased to find out we were expecting twin girls, but after 22 weeks (4 in the hospital on strict bed rest) our daughters were born a day apart and both lived 2 hours. How could this happen? Why does my body not want to be a mother? Why am I even more alone than I was before? I felt like the cup that had my spirit in it was being drained every time I was grieving another loss. I don't know if I can say I gave grief an appropriate time to come and go sufficiently, however I wanted, desired and had to be pregnant. I had to beat the statistics. December 4th, 2009 a beautiful baby girl named Layla Mae was born a month early, but perfect in every way. Blonde hair, blue eyes and tiny tiny tiny. I was always a mother, but not like this. Not like what she made me. What that passage through heaven and my body into this world did for my spirit. It filled my cup.

We are now in a stage of life when we are deciding how to incorporate Adam, Cayla and Marley into Layla's life. How do we teach her about the sacrifices her older brother and sisters made so she could be here with out making her worry about death? I would love to hear how you have kept Lucy in your home while raising a very active little boy.

I love your blog. I love the charitable work you are doing with the headstones for families. I just love the Jackson family and the sacrifices you are making to make the grief process a topic that is more freely discussed. Thank You.

*Bottom photo courtesy of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

February Films

2012-02-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

In years past, I've done a little thing I called "February Films". Each Friday in February (or whenever I feel like it), I post a little ditty of our family. I'm not sure how many people out there would really care about these, but I know Peter's cousins will appreciate them, as will his Grandparents.

First up: A Peter Parade.

This boy loves to be in charge. At our recent dance parties, he insists on us following him in a marching Lost Boys pattern akin to "We're Following the Leader". And we have to be in a certain order. Vic following Peter, and Mommy at the tail.

Toys for Moms

2012-02-02T16:45:00.002-07:00

We finally purchased what some might consider the greatest mom toy out there--a nice camera. I still have no idea how to use it to its full potential, but I'm having fun messing around with it. Maybe now I will be classified as a real blogger.

I met two blog readers last weekend who approached me at The Gateway Mall. (Hi, Ashley and Jessica!--please bless I am remembering your names right). Ashley got the pleasure of running into me face to face while I was walking out of a bathroom stall at the IMAX theatre with a putrefied look on my face due to the fact that 5 out of the 6 stalls were clogged and disgusting! She had no problem recognizing me whilst making such facial contortions, which led me to believe I don't look too far from that in my day to day life. Take note Molly: tone down your facial expressions. It's the big features and dramatical personality that get me into trouble. Plus, I enjoy making ugly faces. I thought Ashley was a college student--HOWEVER, she informed me she has a 13 yr. old. She didn't need to tell me the part about having amazing genes.

As for Jessica, she practically assaulted me while I was trying desperately to get some frozen yogurt. I couldn't get her to shut up. She was telling me some story about being a health food/fitness blogger and one of her blog readers catching her red-handed at Costco with a cart full of candy bars and a milkshake in her hand. (I may be getting some details wrong, but that's the general picture). Was she hinting at something? It reminded me of the time I told my friend Traci that her blog is hilarious but she isn't as funny in real life. Our friend Dave quickly replied, "Kind of like you aren't as profound as your blog."

After embarrassing herself and being dragged away by her family, I finally got to enjoy my Asian Tart goodness and Red Velvet heaven. JUST KIDDING, Jessica. You were a delight and I hope you assault me again. Vic was quite taken with you as well, but I'll leave it at that.

I guess what I'm saying is that now that I have a real camera, I will now consider myself a real blogger and therefore, a "Utah Star" and if you dare approach me in public I hope you bring a pen and paper for my autograph. And some tissue--because I cry every time I meet a blog reader.

So really, nothing is changing except better photos (hopefully).

Thank you for supporting and loving me and my little family. I have grown so much since Lucy's death and I owe much of it to this strange outlet called blogging.

Here are the mess-arounds:

Dirty Car (first practice photo with camera while deciding to purchase or not).

Spontaneous flower delivery from Vic. Bless his soul, they brightened our entire home for a week.

We celebrated Chinese New Year with the Hales on Sunday. I'm the year of the Horse. The Zodiac description describes me to a T.

Is he not delectable? I just can't stop squeezing him and kissing him. (If I'm not wiping his bum or putting him in time out or forcing him into his car seat, etc).

The Eagle Has Landed

2012-02-01T05:00:00.001-07:00

It is the cutest thing to see your child with a best buddy. Peter has a handful (Liam, Eagle, and Stinky)--but the one he sees most often is "Eagle". This little dude's real name is Soren, but his older brother's insisted that if he was named Soren, they'd call him Eagle. (Soarin' Eagle...do I really need to explain?)

They are two peas in a pod. They fight like cats and dogs at times and then when I ask Eagle who is best friend is (mid-punch) he looks at me unquestionably and says, "Peter." Eagle already knows how to ski and has quite the athletic history behind him with his family, so I'm hoping his skills on the ski hill will rub off on Peter.

The neat thing for me, is that Eagle's mom, Sherri, is one of my heroes. You may have seen her in my recent post about our 5 month 5K, as well as a post soon after Lucy died where she kidnapped me and took me wakeboarding. You know those JJCole Bundle Me things? She invented those and kept the business from sinking when she was 5 months pregnant with her 3rd child and her husband died in a car accident.

She is a step-mother, mother, cook extraordinaire, hardcore athelete, positive person. Eagle is the son of her mixed marriage (her current husband lost his wife to cancer). Eagle has brought both sides of her family together and brought a lot of healing and joy (and hard work). As has Peter, obviously. It is a special thing for me to see these two earth angels playing together and loving each other.

The Power of Kindness

2012-01-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to document what a great morning I've had.

I dropped Peter off at a play group run by a sassy woman in our ward (we often commiserate at church about how difficult it is to be so sassy and mischievous), who speaks Spanish for the entire 3 hours the kids are there. I love this sassy El Salvadorian woman.

Next up was my workout at the Rec Center. They let me in for free just because they all know me and like me. I didn't have to use one of Vic's punch passes. Thank you! That was so nice and it made me feel special. It's fun to be the only pregnant woman in the weight room.

After my workout, I made some quick stops at a few shops in search of a cute wreath for my front door. Anyone have suggestions or links to something? I was also on the hunt for cute Valentine's Day decor. I have none and have been wanting some for years. It's such a great little holiday and so close to my birthday. It seems only right to decorate.

Then I received a call telling me our new blinds (plantation shutters) have arrived and will be installed this weekend. Oh, I'm so excited. I have hope the new blinds will motivate us to get more house projects finished. It sent a burst of positive energy into my veins.

I then stopped at Great Harvest with the sole purpose of getting a free sample. The woman behind the counter was extremely friendly and sent me home with a free loaf of bread! (She must have felt sorry for the short, disheveled pregnant woman in workout clothes coming into the store asking for a free sample). How kind!

When I got in my car, George Michael was playing on the radio. This is where I proudly confess that I love him with all my heart and soul. Always have, always will. My love for his music runs mighty deep.

As I happily listened to Georgey and sang along, I thought of how many acts of kindness were bestowed upon me in the few short hours since I've been awake. I find it miraculous. What a powerful way to influence the world. This kindness will trickle down to Peter and Vic today, which will make them happy, and who knows how many more people Vic and Peter will be kind to because of my enabled kindness from friends and strangers.

What a lovely gift.

Have you ever Stolen from your In-Laws?

2012-01-30T12:52:00.001-07:00

My sister-in-law, Kristyn (married to Vic's brother) is a talented runner and inspiration to me. As a couple, they are excellent at doing two things (among others) that are key to happiness:

Working hard and having fun.

This is the couple who, for the ward trunk or treat, brought an actual DOOR with a working doorbell to the church parking lot. Needless to say, they won the prize for best trunk or treat.

So I'm not ashamed to say that I completely, entirely, unabashedly, whole-heartedly STOLE their idea to do a 5 month 5K. (Kristyn is due a few weeks before me--also with a girl).

I invited a handful of friends and 4 of them showed up in winter running gear to brave the 3.2 mile run in the bitter cold. It was 4 degrees when I woke up Saturday morning. By 10 a.m. it had warmed up to 12 and when the race started at 11 I think it was around 20 degrees. Park City folk are used to this. And we're tough.

Vic and I mapped out the route the night before, complete with chalk on the paved trail to signal the turn-around point and short phrases of encouragement. We had water bottles, fruit, and granola bars at the finish line, and of course a ribbon to break.

I was proud of my time, considering I'm 5 months pregnant, the trail was covered partly in ice, the altitude up here is no joke, and it was freezing outside. (I say this to make myself feel better about how insanely BETTER Kristyn's time was than mine. They live in California--come on! And my tummy is way bigger than hers. Baby has nowhere to go in this little body of mine).

Ok, done justifying .

It was so fun to run with Vic and my supportive and fun friends! Thanks to Vic for staying up late the night before to make the t-shirts. (I may have snuck away telling him I was too exhausted and watched an episode of Downton Abbey).

Sherri and Jane--in their 40's and 50's, respectively, leading the pack the entire race. I'm telling you--tough.

My fellow Rexburger (grew up in the same ward, took piano from her mother, sang in choir together), Cherie Call Hall, consenting to let me go ahead so I wasn't the last one to cross the finish line.

9 month 9K anyone?

Mom of the Year Music Video

2012-01-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

One of my besties shot this gem during her Christmas "break". (If only mom's got a Christmas break). I love my crazy creative friends. Eden has one of my VERY FAVORITE voices of all time.

You may remember Eden from her Meet My Readers submission or her visit to PC last summer that I blogged about. Her music video is a gem--she is a gem. She has 4 kids and everything she says in this video is true...

When Your Daughter Dies

2012-01-25T14:40:00.004-07:00

Vic's sister, Joy, shared this photo in a blog post and it knocked the wind out of me. I cried over Lucy like I haven't in a long time. It scared me, but it was also healing--in a way. It made me realize that in my joyful living I am honoring her, but in my pain I feel connected to her. Which leads me to ask--which is more important? Honoring someone or connecting with them? And how can you do both at the same time? Is that why we have two sides to our brains? A body and a spirit? Memories and the present moment?

This statue is in Slovakia. It was created for all the unborn children in that country.

When your daughter dies and you think you are starting to heal -- you are. You are healing. As much as someone whose broken heart struggles to beat on the outside of their body can heal.

But when your daughter dies the pain can hit you out of the blue at anytime, for any reason. The fact that you live each day without her is reason enough.

And when your daughter dies it defines you. But you wouldn't want it not to. Sometimes the only thing I want people to know about me is that my daughter died. Nothing more.

When your daughter dies you live in a dream world. Aware that you are "doing MUCH better", thriving even, but constantly aware that she is not there.

The good times aren't so much "good" as they are triumphant. Because enjoying yourself, feeling at peace, having fun...those aren't your run-of-the mill emotions you experience easily after your daughter's death. They are hard earned rewards for having HOPE.

When your daughter dies you understand what is really important in life while not understanding life at all.

When your daughter dies you don't fear or fight getting older. You embrace it and have the ULTIMATE gift to look forward to in the next life--while simultaneously wondering and struggling with living your everyday life on earth and how you will possibly make it.

But even if your daughter doesn't die before you--life is still hard. I don't plan on ever figuring it out. But I plan on continually improving through love of learning, love of others, love of self, love of nature, and strengthening my balancing act skills so I'm able to honor and connect with my daughter in another world without falling off the tightrope.

I have no idea if any of this made sense. But a flood of emotions washed through me when I saw this photo and this was the best I could do to put them into words.

SnowDance 2012

2012-01-24T15:50:00.004-07:00

Sundance always brings with it some interesting things. Tourists who have no idea how to drive in snow, people clad entirely in black (which I love), movie stars, actor friends from out of town crashing in our basement, limos all over the place, incredible film and art--and snow. It always brings snow.

We took advantage of the beautiful downpour and tutored Peter in his first snowman building endeavour. Actually, I sit corrected, I tutored Peter AND Victor (Mr. Arizona) on how to build a REAL Idaho snowman. Start with a small ball and roll it, roll it, roll it around and watch it get fat. (Would make great rap lyrics). He confessed it was the best, most legit snowman he'd ever built. Tough Idaho girls know how to do it. (Stop thinking about the rap lyrics now).

I may or may have not helped with the entire process while in my pajamas, bra-less, and covered in my bright polka dot robe...with my superglued glasses perched on my nose...and my purple KMart snow boots we bought when we were first married. Maybe...

Is he cute or what?

Speaking of my husband being the cutest, most talented, amazing, perfect, hot, strong, intelligent man on earth...

I really want these boots for my birthday...

Just not sure which color.

Ok, now I need to finish cleaning my kitchen, make calls regarding my BENEFIT CONCERT in March, prep dinner, prep for playgroup at my home tomorrow, drink some Crystal Light (love), do my back exercises, eat some fiber so I don't have to go to the ER again (I was clogged with poop and thought I was having contractions in my back...yes I was. Vic's family clogs toilets, my family clogs bodies), and listen to Adele all the while. (Or maybe Whitney Houston because I will always love her).

The End.

Meet My Readers Monday

2012-01-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

AUDREY

My name is Audrey Wilkins.

I am currently living in The Woodlands, TX. In about two weeks I will be living abroad near Seville, Spain for my husband’s work.

My husband came upon your blog a couple of years ago. My cousin has a blog and she knows you very well, Brooke (Mendenhall) Rasmussen. She had posted around the time when your sweet angel Lucy left this earth. My husband recognized your name, he’s pretty sure he knew you at BYU. His name is Jimmy Wilkins, he was in Student Council and also worked for the newspaper on campus. He started following your blog, and one day he told me I needed to read it in private, but to take a box of Kleenex with me. So one night I braved it and read the heart wrenching story that has forever touched our lives. I’ve shared thoughts and quotes with others about your blog and story, even directed people there. I love the way you write it is always from the heart never holding back, but you also have a very creative style to your writing.

Interesting tid bit about me – I love people, I wear a size 11 shoe but I’m only 5’7”, I too am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have three wonderful children (one who’s crying right now), I’m a dental hygienist, and I’m about to embark on an adventure of a life time in Spain for a couple of years with my family.

Thoughts, I’ve dealt with death from a very young age, the hardest being a close friend of mine taking her life at the age of 12. I have been able to deal with it much easier over the years once I realized that death is a part of life. We have to go through it to continue to live. Having the Gospel in my life truly has made a difference in perspective of what is important in life and how to deal with what has been temporarily placed on the other side of the veil for us to find later on.

Some of my feelings: Having 3 beautiful children has changed my life. I absolutely love being a mother, I hope with my son he will forever hold me on a pedestal and no woman will ever be as good as I am, and for my daughters that they will always come to me whenever they meet a road block they are unsure of. I hope for all 3 of them that they will have testimonies strong enough to withstand all that is placed before them in life.

Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve during those very tender times in your life. I know you have a long way to go before you get to hold your sweet Lucy in your arms again, but until then I am happy to know that you have peace in your heart.

The Life Inside Me

2012-01-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

We had our in depth ultra sound on MLK Day (it does a body good), where we got to see the babe in more detail. I admit I was quite nervous. With the extreme basket case I was in the first trimester, I had what I thought was ample reason to worry about the development of this fetus.

My mid-wife made sure to schedule me at an internal fetal medicine clinic that specializes in strictly ultra sounds, multiple births, high-risk pregnancies, etc. I was grateful for that...but again, it made me nervous. (Since I have no history of complicated pregnancies, miscarriage, etc). But I know she wanted the best treatment for me--a paranoid bereaved mother. (And her favorite patient).

When I entered the room there was a "team" of specialists waiting for me. They asked me if I wanted to participate in a new study. (Apparently it is going to be standard procedure in the near future to have an...excuse me boys...vaginal ultra sound required at your 20 week appt. to measure the length of your cervix. They told me a short cervix can be a big sign of pre-term labor. The research team told me they are hoping to prove that this invasiveness (just made up that word) is unnecessary and will take too much time. I didn't quite understand it all but I chose to participate in the name of women's health. I was given an envelope after I signed the consent form and one of three options would be inside--measure my cervix on the outside of my body.(?) take a measurement during the actual ultra sound, or get the royal treatment with the vaginal wand. They claimed to not know which one of the three was in the envelope. You guessed it...)

Thoughts on this?

But I digress...when the doc came in to give us the full report on our little girl (yes, it was re-confirmed that "it" is still a "she"), he made small talk for quite a while. Get to the point, damn it! To make a boring story short, everything is fine. More than fine. Super healthy and great. I've got a nice long cervix, too.

When the "team" left us in the darkness of our ultrasound room, I bent down with my bulging tummy and gave Vic a squeeze. I kept telling the nurses how grateful I was for my health. I told them what this little girl means to us...about Lucy.

Something far too sweet about Peter, is that when he sees Vic and I hugging or kissing, he wants to join in on the action. Taking a break from his Prince of Egypt viewing, he walked over and put his little arms around both of us. It was so tender. I'll let you guess if Vic and I were crying.

Next, we hit up Beto's for our favorite--Carne Asada Tortas (Americans don't know enough about tortas. But I do, since I'm married to a Latin).

Then it was onto the aquarium.

It was a beautiful day together.

It feels so right to celebrate the little things and find joy in the ordinary. Because really, it is all extraordinary.

I feel two kinds of life inside me these days. That of my little girl, and my own love of life--something that has been alluding me for quite some time. For all the spark of life, I am very grateful.

Unitards--Movie Premiere Giveaway

2012-01-17T14:41:00.001-07:00

I was contacted by Excel Entertainment and asked if I'd like to attend the premiere of their new movie, "Unitards". The description of the film had me definitely interested...

UNITARDS has been honored at every film festival to which it’s been selected and has earned nine awards. This film is based on the actual experiences of Sam Featherstone—the actor playing Lewis Grady.

In the film, Lewis Grady (Sam Featherstone) just won the student-body elections at Skyline High School, and Vice Principal Spooner (Michael Buster) has big plans for the goof-off high school senior.

Charged with the difficult challenge of bringing school spirit back to Skyline, Lewis teams up with his two odd-ball friends (Jamison Featherstone and Zack Spurlock) to change the school forever. And they have the perfect way to do it: a guys-only dance team called the UNITARDS.

Director, writer and producer Scott Featherstone broke almost every rule of filmmaking in UNITARDS —he self-funded the project, used “real” kids rather than actors, went into production just as the economy turned downward and shot a film requiring nearly fifty tracks of music. More than 90% of the cast was selected from an open audition at Skyline High School.

*******************

Maybe it is just the former class officer geek inside of me, or the dancer, but I thought the film looked cute. It is something I would approve of my teenage daughter seeing. In fact, I might take a few of my teenage girlfriends from Park City with me to the premier. They'd love it. Wouldn't your daughters like it? Probably so.

If you'd like to win two free tickets to the movie premiere on Wednesday, January 25th at Jordan Commons, please leave a comment telling me your geekiest attribute. (Mine is currently wearing old glasses held together with superglue--when I take out my contacts at night to read or first thing in the morning. Sweet. I dream of getting Lasik one day).

Giveaway will close this Thursday, January 19th, and the winner announced Friday, January 20th. Hope to see you there!

Husband Caught on Camera

2012-01-15T22:13:00.002-07:00

In case you were wondering what our weekend consisted of, here is a small sample of what I caught Vic doing in our room on Saturday.

Yes, those are "dinosaur Christmas Carols" from some book he picked up at the library. I mean...really? Are you laughing too? Yes, Peter is in his room settling down for a nap and Vic is enjoying the book all by himself. I can't stop laughing. (Vic may have just seen this and said, "Just wait, all the ladies are going to be in love. ") Nothing like a little dinosaur serenade to make you swoon.

ROTFL.

Shamed

2012-01-10T14:52:00.002-07:00

SPEAK* LISTEN * HEAL

Do you remember the wonderful documentary that was done about our family a little while back? I have come to know and love many of the crew that worked on that piece. Some of them I have known for years, others are new friends. They are super cool and professional. The kind of people you'd want to be friends with. Creative, kind, talented...good folks. A good friend from L.A. who I absolutely love is involved in the P.R. side of this project as well. (Anyone out there know Lincoln Hubbard? I love that Brit).

One of the gals I met (technically, I RE-meet her, since we crossed paths briefly in college) is producing this fabulous and MUCH NEEDED film about pornography addiction and the associated shame that goes along with it. This is something I feel very passionately about. It is a huge issue that I don't think most of us have a grasp on how to deal with.

Shamed, a documentary feature, will look at how to remove the debilitating personal and group shame that exists around pornography and sexuality in conservative Christian communities. Those of us who would preach a balanced life of fidelity and healthy sexual relations are being drowned out by the pervasive messaging of an over-sexualized world. Our best protection is open, honest, healthy communication on pornography and sexual addiction, empowering the people we love to "SPEAK, LISTEN, and HEAL."

This is a project I would absolutely LOVE to see come to full fruition. This film is needed. But it can only happen if it reaches its minimum backing of $40,000 by February. (My birth month. Donate a small amount as a birthday gift to me?? Every little bit helps. $5! Skip that fast food meal and get me a birthday gift and help open this important dialogue. Please?)

Watch the snippet below and see what you think.

Shamed Teaser - V2 from Girl with a Curl on Vimeo.

To make a donation and learn more about this important project, please click HERE.

Please.

We often think "other" people will be the ones to donate and make important things happen--today I am going to be one of the "others" and make a donation. Will you join me?

Has this issue affected your life? Will it affect your children? It is our modern-day epidemic.

SPEAK* LISTEN * HEAL

Lest anyone make assumptions, this is not an addiction Vic or I have had to deal with in our marriage. But it is something that has affected my family directly.

What I Never Imagined

2012-01-09T14:09:00.003-07:00

I never imagined that after becoming a mother I would lose my child in a sudden, shocking, soul crushing accident.

I never imagined being able to emotionally handle having another child. Let alone, an adventurous, daring, physically aggressive little boy.

I never imagined the strangers I would meet and come to love.

I never imagined the out pouring of kindness I would experience and the softening of my soul.

I never imagined I'd feel pain and anguish like I have.

I never imagined the battle it would be to keep my marriage alive, happy, and thriving. (We're winning the battle very well).

I never imagined I'd be raising money to pay for the headstones of other children who pass away.

I never imagined partaking of the beautiful words of strangers who have found comfort and identity in my struggle.

I never imagined the heartbreaking beauty amidst the backdrop of a sometimes very ugly life.

I never imagined I would feel 80 yrs. old on the inside when I'm in my 30's.

I never imagined how intensely I'd feel the love of God and see His hand in my life so poignantly.

I never imagined I'd be driving home from my ultra sound appointment singing, "Don't stop believing...hold onto that fee ee ee ling." While simultaneously laughing and crying and feeling a whisper that says, "This is my gift to you. It means something and I am in charge and very aware."

Because I never imagined..

That I would be due with a baby girl on the same day as Lucy's birthday.

Vic is scared. I am thrilled. Peter doesn't get it. God is in charge. Lucy is watching over.

Baby girl Jackson--

{Although one of the photos above says "Kate", we are not naming her that. Though it is a wonderful and lovely name. These are nursery photos that inspire me. Click on photos to see websites}.

Due June 11. 2012

I wore the appropriate color. And my Lucy necklace to comfort me.

{I also never imagined my big pregnant boobs could look so saggy in a photo when they are fabulous in real life}.

I never imagined. And it is above and beyond all that I deserve. My deepest thanks to my creator, my daughter, my loyal and patient husband, my son--my sunshine, my soon-to-be daughter, my family, my blog readers, my friends who are too beautiful for words, my fellow angel families, my ward, the very air I breathe. Thank you.

Life is beautiful. Don't stop believing. You can never imagine what life has in store.

As my mom just said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away..."

Things That Make me Go... "Wow, I'm Happy."

2012-01-05T15:17:00.002-07:00

There are a few changes I've made in my life recently which have WiLDLY added to my happiness. Some are simple, some are big, all are significant. I'm going to tell you about them.

First up. I accidentally started doing something that has changed my life. --I don't wash my face before bed-- Are your ears turned up? Did you hear that? I used to suffer from severe going to bed routine denial and hatred. It just took way too long! Due to my first trimester insanity, I just couldn't muster the energy to take out my contacts, brush my teeth, wash my face, put on moisturizer, eye cream, say my prayers, put Vaseline in my nose (ummm...ya, it's really dry here. I've done this since I was 14. No more bloody noses for me. And don't ever ask to borrow my tub of Vaseline when you come over), get in my jammies, take off my bra, blah, blah, blahlistgoeson.

So I just stopped. Yes, I take out my contacts and brush my teeth, and then I'm done. I even keep my mascara on. AND I LOVE IT. It's changed my life. Being too dramatic about this? Not really. Vic doesn't have to wait 4 years for me to get into bed anymore. And the most surprising thing is that my skin has not suffered one bit. In fact, it feels and looks even better. My sister always tells me the best thing to do for our bad Bice skin is to be gentle and consistent. So I consistently don't wash it at night. What could be more gentle than that? Hmmm....?

Number two, Covergirl & Olay makeup. What's it called? I don't know. You know, with the white swirlys in it? The point is that I love it. My friend, Rachael, turned me onto it and its a dream. I put on a very small amount (sometimes only in certain areas, almost like a concealer) and use a light amount of my BareMinerals on top. Amazeballs. I've avoided liquidy type foundation for years, but this stuff is a dream. My skin felt a little dry with BareMinerals alone.

Simply Ageless--That's it!

Up next, Peter's crib tent. OH, ya. (said like "Vector" from Despicable Me--a must see).

Fourthly, (wow, that really is a word. And why wouldn't it be? I don't know, you just don't hear it often), Vic gave me a mudroom for Christmas. Building permit, contracted it out, the works. It's already half-way done. (Luckily we had the perfect space in our garage for such a project). No more bags, shoes, coats, or crap in the entry way of my kitchen. Happiness! And bonusly (not a word), our coat closet will be turned into a pantry.

Numero cinco--People, it has been WELL INTO THE 50's in Park City for over a week. I'm not talking about someones age or an era of time involving poodle skirts. I'm talking scientifical farenheit warm stuff. We have no snow! The sun has been shining everyday and the skies are blue. Stop the insanity! It makes me wonder about the ski resorts and the economy (Sundance Film Festival starts in a week or so)...but I'm thrilled beyond thrillage.

Number six (times seven!)--Peter started pre-school today. Peter started gymnastics yesterday. This mommy has a calendar on her fridge and has a schedule. Who am I?? I love it. It has been so much better for me than my usual fly by the seat of my pants modus operandi.

NYC "Showtime" mascara from the Wal-Mart for $3. A few people on the blog and in real life have asked me about my eyelashes. That's one thing I've been blessed with--they are long and real and curly (but not dark). I love this mascara. Works like a charm.

And lastly--the 2nd trimester. Thank you, sweet mercy from heaven above. Oh, and my adjustment to the Zoloft. Oh, and I'm getting more sleep. Oh, and the 12-14 yr. old girls I teach at church. Oh, and our regular babysitter, Kara, who is a dreamboat.

I'm so thankful for this respite! Trying to live in the moment and aware of the present moment. Not dwell on the past, not live in the future. Brighten someone's day each day, because what else is there, really?

Oh, and I'm happy I just finished my 30 Days of Thanks.

***************

Playing at the park with Mommy in the amazing January weather! (Look at me, I'm getting old. I'd like an eye lift, straighter teeth, and a nose job. I would).

First day of gymnastics! (He was nuts).

First school lunch that mommy has ever packed. I felt like a real mom! It was crazy. I loved it. And it made me ache for Lucy.

First day of pre-school! (He'll be going one day a week).

Must remember when the hard times hit again that "This too shall pass."

AND I FORGOT TO MENTION THE BEST THING OF ALL! I celebrated Peter's first day of pre-school by going on a 3 mile run with my old running partner, Becca, who is in town from Pittsburgh. It was wonderful!! I love running. I really, really do. I'll post pregnancy pics soon. I'm almost halfway.

{HOPE*SMILING*BRIGHTLY}

Luz Y Amor {Light and Love}

On Being a Small Person

Why Blogs are The Bomb

Meet My Readers Monday

Maybe This Post Will Help me Feel Better...

The Schizophrentic Vacation

Photo Shoot Giveaway Weiner

It's my Birthday and I'll Blog if I Want To

Photo Session Giveaway

Meet My Readers Monday

February Films

Toys for Moms

The Eagle Has Landed

The Power of Kindness

Have you ever Stolen from your In-Laws?

Mom of the Year Music Video

When Your Daughter Dies

SnowDance 2012

Meet My Readers Monday

The Life Inside Me

Unitards--Movie Premiere Giveaway

Husband Caught on Camera

Shamed

What I Never Imagined

Things That Make me Go... "Wow, I'm Happy."

{HOPESMILINGBRIGHTLY}