{HOPESMILINGBRIGHTLY}

Mom of the Year Music Video

2012-01-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

One of my besties shot this gem during her Christmas "break". (If only mom's got a Christmas break). I love my crazy creative friends. Eden has one of my VERY FAVORITE voices of all time.

You may remember Eden from her Meet My Readers submission or her visit to PC last summer that I blogged about. Her music video is a gem--she is a gem. She has 4 kids and everything she says in this video is true...

When Your Daughter Dies

2012-01-25T14:40:00.004-07:00

Vic's sister, Joy, shared this photo in a blog post and it knocked the wind out of me. I cried over Lucy like I haven't in a long time. It scared me, but it was also healing--in a way. It made me realize that in my joyful living I am honoring her, but in my pain I feel connected to her. Which leads me to ask--which is more important? Honoring someone or connecting with them? And how can you do both at the same time? Is that why we have two sides to our brains? A body and a spirit? Memories and the present moment?

This statue is in Slovakia. It was created for all the unborn children in that country.

When your daughter dies and you think you are starting to heal -- you are. You are healing. As much as someone whose broken heart struggles to beat on the outside of their body can heal.

But when your daughter dies the pain can hit you out of the blue at anytime, for any reason. The fact that you live each day without her is reason enough.

And when your daughter dies it defines you. But you wouldn't want it not to. Sometimes the only thing I want people to know about me is that my daughter died. Nothing more.

When your daughter dies you live in a dream world. Aware that you are "doing MUCH better", thriving even, but constantly aware that she is not there.

The good times aren't so much "good" as they are triumphant. Because enjoying yourself, feeling at peace, having fun...those aren't your run-of-the mill emotions you experience easily after your daughter's death. They are hard earned rewards for having HOPE.

When your daughter dies you understand what is really important in life while not understanding life at all.

When your daughter dies you don't fear or fight getting older. You embrace it and have the ULTIMATE gift to look forward to in the next life--while simultaneously wondering and struggling with living your everyday life on earth and how you will possibly make it.

But even if your daughter doesn't die before you--life is still hard. I don't plan on ever figuring it out. But I plan on continually improving through love of learning, love of others, love of self, love of nature, and strengthening my balancing act skills so I'm able to honor and connect with my daughter in another world without falling off the tightrope.

I have no idea if any of this made sense. But a flood of emotions washed through me when I saw this photo and this was the best I could do to put them into words.

SnowDance 2012

2012-01-24T15:50:00.004-07:00

Sundance always brings with it some interesting things. Tourists who have no idea how to drive in snow, people clad entirely in black (which I love), movie stars, actor friends from out of town crashing in our basement, limos all over the place, incredible film and art--and snow. It always brings snow.

We took advantage of the beautiful downpour and tutored Peter in his first snowman building endeavour. Actually, I sit corrected, I tutored Peter AND Victor (Mr. Arizona) on how to build a REAL Idaho snowman. Start with a small ball and roll it, roll it, roll it around and watch it get fat. (Would make great rap lyrics). He confessed it was the best, most legit snowman he'd ever built. Tough Idaho girls know how to do it. (Stop thinking about the rap lyrics now).

I may or may have not helped with the entire process while in my pajamas, bra-less, and covered in my bright polka dot robe...with my superglued glasses perched on my nose...and my purple KMart snow boots we bought when we were first married. Maybe...

Is he cute or what?

Speaking of my husband being the cutest, most talented, amazing, perfect, hot, strong, intelligent man on earth...

I really want these boots for my birthday...

Just not sure which color.

Ok, now I need to finish cleaning my kitchen, make calls regarding my BENEFIT CONCERT in March, prep dinner, prep for playgroup at my home tomorrow, drink some Crystal Light (love), do my back exercises, eat some fiber so I don't have to go to the ER again (I was clogged with poop and thought I was having contractions in my back...yes I was. Vic's family clogs toilets, my family clogs bodies), and listen to Adele all the while. (Or maybe Whitney Houston because I will always love her).

The End.

Meet My Readers Monday

2012-01-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

AUDREY

My name is Audrey Wilkins.

I am currently living in The Woodlands, TX. In about two weeks I will be living abroad near Seville, Spain for my husband’s work.

My husband came upon your blog a couple of years ago. My cousin has a blog and she knows you very well, Brooke (Mendenhall) Rasmussen. She had posted around the time when your sweet angel Lucy left this earth. My husband recognized your name, he’s pretty sure he knew you at BYU. His name is Jimmy Wilkins, he was in Student Council and also worked for the newspaper on campus. He started following your blog, and one day he told me I needed to read it in private, but to take a box of Kleenex with me. So one night I braved it and read the heart wrenching story that has forever touched our lives. I’ve shared thoughts and quotes with others about your blog and story, even directed people there. I love the way you write it is always from the heart never holding back, but you also have a very creative style to your writing.

Interesting tid bit about me – I love people, I wear a size 11 shoe but I’m only 5’7”, I too am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have three wonderful children (one who’s crying right now), I’m a dental hygienist, and I’m about to embark on an adventure of a life time in Spain for a couple of years with my family.

Thoughts, I’ve dealt with death from a very young age, the hardest being a close friend of mine taking her life at the age of 12. I have been able to deal with it much easier over the years once I realized that death is a part of life. We have to go through it to continue to live. Having the Gospel in my life truly has made a difference in perspective of what is important in life and how to deal with what has been temporarily placed on the other side of the veil for us to find later on.

Some of my feelings: Having 3 beautiful children has changed my life. I absolutely love being a mother, I hope with my son he will forever hold me on a pedestal and no woman will ever be as good as I am, and for my daughters that they will always come to me whenever they meet a road block they are unsure of. I hope for all 3 of them that they will have testimonies strong enough to withstand all that is placed before them in life.

Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve during those very tender times in your life. I know you have a long way to go before you get to hold your sweet Lucy in your arms again, but until then I am happy to know that you have peace in your heart.

The Life Inside Me

2012-01-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

We had our in depth ultra sound on MLK Day (it does a body good), where we got to see the babe in more detail. I admit I was quite nervous. With the extreme basket case I was in the first trimester, I had what I thought was ample reason to worry about the development of this fetus.

My mid-wife made sure to schedule me at an internal fetal medicine clinic that specializes in strictly ultra sounds, multiple births, high-risk pregnancies, etc. I was grateful for that...but again, it made me nervous. (Since I have no history of complicated pregnancies, miscarriage, etc). But I know she wanted the best treatment for me--a paranoid bereaved mother. (And her favorite patient).

When I entered the room there was a "team" of specialists waiting for me. They asked me if I wanted to participate in a new study. (Apparently it is going to be standard procedure in the near future to have an...excuse me boys...vaginal ultra sound required at your 20 week appt. to measure the length of your cervix. They told me a short cervix can be a big sign of pre-term labor. The research team told me they are hoping to prove that this invasiveness (just made up that word) is unnecessary and will take too much time. I didn't quite understand it all but I chose to participate in the name of women's health. I was given an envelope after I signed the consent form and one of three options would be inside--measure my cervix on the outside of my body.(?) take a measurement during the actual ultra sound, or get the royal treatment with the vaginal wand. They claimed to not know which one of the three was in the envelope. You guessed it...)

Thoughts on this?

But I digress...when the doc came in to give us the full report on our little girl (yes, it was re-confirmed that "it" is still a "she"), he made small talk for quite a while. Get to the point, damn it! To make a boring story short, everything is fine. More than fine. Super healthy and great. I've got a nice long cervix, too.

When the "team" left us in the darkness of our ultrasound room, I bent down with my bulging tummy and gave Vic a squeeze. I kept telling the nurses how grateful I was for my health. I told them what this little girl means to us...about Lucy.

Something far too sweet about Peter, is that when he sees Vic and I hugging or kissing, he wants to join in on the action. Taking a break from his Prince of Egypt viewing, he walked over and put his little arms around both of us. It was so tender. I'll let you guess if Vic and I were crying.

Next, we hit up Beto's for our favorite--Carne Asada Tortas (Americans don't know enough about tortas. But I do, since I'm married to a Latin).

Then it was onto the aquarium.

It was a beautiful day together.

It feels so right to celebrate the little things and find joy in the ordinary. Because really, it is all extraordinary.

I feel two kinds of life inside me these days. That of my little girl, and my own love of life--something that has been alluding me for quite some time. For all the spark of life, I am very grateful.

Unitards--Movie Premiere Giveaway

2012-01-17T14:41:00.001-07:00

I was contacted by Excel Entertainment and asked if I'd like to attend the premiere of their new movie, "Unitards". The description of the film had me definitely interested...

UNITARDS has been honored at every film festival to which it’s been selected and has earned nine awards. This film is based on the actual experiences of Sam Featherstone—the actor playing Lewis Grady.

In the film, Lewis Grady (Sam Featherstone) just won the student-body elections at Skyline High School, and Vice Principal Spooner (Michael Buster) has big plans for the goof-off high school senior.

Charged with the difficult challenge of bringing school spirit back to Skyline, Lewis teams up with his two odd-ball friends (Jamison Featherstone and Zack Spurlock) to change the school forever. And they have the perfect way to do it: a guys-only dance team called the UNITARDS.

Director, writer and producer Scott Featherstone broke almost every rule of filmmaking in UNITARDS —he self-funded the project, used “real” kids rather than actors, went into production just as the economy turned downward and shot a film requiring nearly fifty tracks of music. More than 90% of the cast was selected from an open audition at Skyline High School.

*******************

Maybe it is just the former class officer geek inside of me, or the dancer, but I thought the film looked cute. It is something I would approve of my teenage daughter seeing. In fact, I might take a few of my teenage girlfriends from Park City with me to the premier. They'd love it. Wouldn't your daughters like it? Probably so.

If you'd like to win two free tickets to the movie premiere on Wednesday, January 25th at Jordan Commons, please leave a comment telling me your geekiest attribute. (Mine is currently wearing old glasses held together with superglue--when I take out my contacts at night to read or first thing in the morning. Sweet. I dream of getting Lasik one day).

Giveaway will close this Thursday, January 19th, and the winner announced Friday, January 20th. Hope to see you there!

Husband Caught on Camera

2012-01-15T22:13:00.002-07:00

In case you were wondering what our weekend consisted of, here is a small sample of what I caught Vic doing in our room on Saturday.

Yes, those are "dinosaur Christmas Carols" from some book he picked up at the library. I mean...really? Are you laughing too? Yes, Peter is in his room settling down for a nap and Vic is enjoying the book all by himself. I can't stop laughing. (Vic may have just seen this and said, "Just wait, all the ladies are going to be in love. ") Nothing like a little dinosaur serenade to make you swoon.

ROTFL.

Shamed

2012-01-10T14:52:00.002-07:00

SPEAK* LISTEN * HEAL

Do you remember the wonderful documentary that was done about our family a little while back? I have come to know and love many of the crew that worked on that piece. Some of them I have known for years, others are new friends. They are super cool and professional. The kind of people you'd want to be friends with. Creative, kind, talented...good folks. A good friend from L.A. who I absolutely love is involved in the P.R. side of this project as well. (Anyone out there know Lincoln Hubbard? I love that Brit).

One of the gals I met (technically, I RE-meet her, since we crossed paths briefly in college) is producing this fabulous and MUCH NEEDED film about pornography addiction and the associated shame that goes along with it. This is something I feel very passionately about. It is a huge issue that I don't think most of us have a grasp on how to deal with.

Shamed, a documentary feature, will look at how to remove the debilitating personal and group shame that exists around pornography and sexuality in conservative Christian communities. Those of us who would preach a balanced life of fidelity and healthy sexual relations are being drowned out by the pervasive messaging of an over-sexualized world. Our best protection is open, honest, healthy communication on pornography and sexual addiction, empowering the people we love to "SPEAK, LISTEN, and HEAL."

This is a project I would absolutely LOVE to see come to full fruition. This film is needed. But it can only happen if it reaches its minimum backing of $40,000 by February. (My birth month. Donate a small amount as a birthday gift to me?? Every little bit helps. $5! Skip that fast food meal and get me a birthday gift and help open this important dialogue. Please?)

Watch the snippet below and see what you think.

Shamed Teaser - V2 from Girl with a Curl on Vimeo.

To make a donation and learn more about this important project, please click HERE.

Please.

We often think "other" people will be the ones to donate and make important things happen--today I am going to be one of the "others" and make a donation. Will you join me?

Has this issue affected your life? Will it affect your children? It is our modern-day epidemic.

SPEAK* LISTEN * HEAL

Lest anyone make assumptions, this is not an addiction Vic or I have had to deal with in our marriage. But it is something that has affected my family directly.

What I Never Imagined

2012-01-09T14:09:00.003-07:00

I never imagined that after becoming a mother I would lose my child in a sudden, shocking, soul crushing accident.

I never imagined being able to emotionally handle having another child. Let alone, an adventurous, daring, physically aggressive little boy.

I never imagined the strangers I would meet and come to love.

I never imagined the out pouring of kindness I would experience and the softening of my soul.

I never imagined I'd feel pain and anguish like I have.

I never imagined the battle it would be to keep my marriage alive, happy, and thriving. (We're winning the battle very well).

I never imagined I'd be raising money to pay for the headstones of other children who pass away.

I never imagined partaking of the beautiful words of strangers who have found comfort and identity in my struggle.

I never imagined the heartbreaking beauty amidst the backdrop of a sometimes very ugly life.

I never imagined I would feel 80 yrs. old on the inside when I'm in my 30's.

I never imagined how intensely I'd feel the love of God and see His hand in my life so poignantly.

I never imagined I'd be driving home from my ultra sound appointment singing, "Don't stop believing...hold onto that fee ee ee ling." While simultaneously laughing and crying and feeling a whisper that says, "This is my gift to you. It means something and I am in charge and very aware."

Because I never imagined..

That I would be due with a baby girl on the same day as Lucy's birthday.

Vic is scared. I am thrilled. Peter doesn't get it. God is in charge. Lucy is watching over.

Baby girl Jackson--

{Although one of the photos above says "Kate", we are not naming her that. Though it is a wonderful and lovely name. These are nursery photos that inspire me. Click on photos to see websites}.

Due June 11. 2012

I wore the appropriate color. And my Lucy necklace to comfort me.

{I also never imagined my big pregnant boobs could look so saggy in a photo when they are fabulous in real life}.

I never imagined. And it is above and beyond all that I deserve. My deepest thanks to my creator, my daughter, my loyal and patient husband, my son--my sunshine, my soon-to-be daughter, my family, my blog readers, my friends who are too beautiful for words, my fellow angel families, my ward, the very air I breathe. Thank you.

Life is beautiful. Don't stop believing. You can never imagine what life has in store.

As my mom just said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away..."

Things That Make me Go... "Wow, I'm Happy."

2012-01-05T15:17:00.002-07:00

There are a few changes I've made in my life recently which have WiLDLY added to my happiness. Some are simple, some are big, all are significant. I'm going to tell you about them.

First up. I accidentally started doing something that has changed my life. --I don't wash my face before bed-- Are your ears turned up? Did you hear that? I used to suffer from severe going to bed routine denial and hatred. It just took way too long! Due to my first trimester insanity, I just couldn't muster the energy to take out my contacts, brush my teeth, wash my face, put on moisturizer, eye cream, say my prayers, put Vaseline in my nose (ummm...ya, it's really dry here. I've done this since I was 14. No more bloody noses for me. And don't ever ask to borrow my tub of Vaseline when you come over), get in my jammies, take off my bra, blah, blah, blahlistgoeson.

So I just stopped. Yes, I take out my contacts and brush my teeth, and then I'm done. I even keep my mascara on. AND I LOVE IT. It's changed my life. Being too dramatic about this? Not really. Vic doesn't have to wait 4 years for me to get into bed anymore. And the most surprising thing is that my skin has not suffered one bit. In fact, it feels and looks even better. My sister always tells me the best thing to do for our bad Bice skin is to be gentle and consistent. So I consistently don't wash it at night. What could be more gentle than that? Hmmm....?

Number two, Covergirl & Olay makeup. What's it called? I don't know. You know, with the white swirlys in it? The point is that I love it. My friend, Rachael, turned me onto it and its a dream. I put on a very small amount (sometimes only in certain areas, almost like a concealer) and use a light amount of my BareMinerals on top. Amazeballs. I've avoided liquidy type foundation for years, but this stuff is a dream. My skin felt a little dry with BareMinerals alone.

Up next, Peter's crib tent. OH, ya. (said like "Vector" from Despicable Me--a must see).

Fourthly, (wow, that really is a word. And why wouldn't it be? I don't know, you just don't hear it often), Vic gave me a mudroom for Christmas. Building permit, contracted it out, the works. It's already half-way done. (Luckily we had the perfect space in our garage for such a project). No more bags, shoes, coats, or crap in the entry way of my kitchen. Happiness! And bonusly (not a word), our coat closet will be turned into a pantry.

Numero cinco--People, it has been WELL INTO THE 50's in Park City for over a week. I'm not talking about someones age or an era of time involving poodle skirts. I'm talking scientifical farenheit warm stuff. We have no snow! The sun has been shining everyday and the skies are blue. Stop the insanity! It makes me wonder about the ski resorts and the economy (Sundance Film Festival starts in a week or so)...but I'm thrilled beyond thrillage.

Number six (times seven!)--Peter started pre-school today. Peter started gymnastics yesterday. This mommy has a calendar on her fridge and has a schedule. Who am I?? I love it. It has been so much better for me than my usual fly by the seat of my pants modus operandi.

NYC "Showtime" mascara from the Wal-Mart for $3. A few people on the blog and in real life have asked me about my eyelashes. That's one thing I've been blessed with--they are long and real and curly (but not dark). I love this mascara. Works like a charm.

And lastly--the 2nd trimester. Thank you, sweet mercy from heaven above. Oh, and my adjustment to the Zoloft. Oh, and I'm getting more sleep. Oh, and the 12-14 yr. old girls I teach at church. Oh, and our regular babysitter, Kara, who is a dreamboat.

I'm so thankful for this respite! Trying to live in the moment and aware of the present moment. Not dwell on the past, not live in the future. Brighten someone's day each day, because what else is there, really?

Oh, and I'm happy I just finished my 30 Days of Thanks.

***************

Playing at the park with Mommy in the amazing January weather! (Look at me, I'm getting old. I'd like an eye lift, straighter teeth, and a nose job. I would).

First day of gymnastics! (He was nuts).

First school lunch that mommy has ever packed. I felt like a real mom! It was crazy. I loved it. And it made me ache for Lucy.

First day of pre-school! (He'll be going one day a week).

Must remember when the hard times hit again that "This too shall pass."

AND I FORGOT TO MENTION THE BEST THING OF ALL! I celebrated Peter's first day of pre-school by going on a 3 mile run with my old running partner, Becca, who is in town from Pittsburgh. It was wonderful!! I love running. I really, really do. I'll post pregnancy pics soon. I'm almost halfway.

From Peter's Perspective

2012-01-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Peter's World View:

Morning Mother. (That's not a greeting, it's a label).

My WONDERFUL visiting teacher who cleans my house once a month. This woman is a rockstar! (She'll get her own post soon).

I love this little stinker. He melts my heart and makes me laugh. He is talking up a storm and growing up right before my eyes. Tomorrow is his first day of gymnastics. Bring it on!

Scenes from the Season

2011-12-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

Christmas Morning

...opening gifts after church.

A lot of train gifts were involved this year.

Peter amazed me this year. He was so patient and attentive with all his gifts. And he was interested in all of them. It was so much fun.

The aftermath.

The Muppet Movie

Playing with the nativity scene...while naked.

Father Christmas at This is the Place Heritage Park. Love!

Santa's Reindeer

I looked hot.

The North Pole Express!

And now we're off to an ugly sweater party to make gingerbread houses and gorge ourselves. I REALLY hope someone brings a big pot of meatballs. It's all I can think about.

Peace That Passeth all Understanding

2011-12-28T16:40:00.001-07:00

I had a quiet moment to myself this afternoon and I didn't know what to do. Clean? Try to nap? Read a book? Make phone calls and return emails? Sew something? Organize my closet? Make myself famous?

I sat down with a bowl of creamy roasted red pepper tomato soup and flipped open the Engisn. The Ensign is the monthly magazine my church publishes. I opened directly to an article entitled, "What Happy Couples Do." It was simple and direct and had great advice. I feel happily married. I want Vic to feel happily married. I was glad I read it. I always need to be reminded and I always, always need to improve.

But what really caught my eye was a small quote on the side of the article by one of our past prophets, Spencer W. Kimball. I don't remember the details of what he said, (something about peaceful marriages), but I remember that he quoted part of the scripture in Phillipians that speaks of "the peace which passeth all understanding."

I read and re-read that short phrase five times.

The peace which passeth all understanding.

You guys--this is the exact opposite phrase and sentiment I have been feeling about the pain since Lucy died. It is a PAIN and agony that passeth all understanding. And I know you know that it has haunted and bewildered me. The battles which have raged in my mind and the thought patterns I have held onto with an unrelenting grip...they are staggering.

And to read that phrase, "The peace which passeth all understanding"... I cried. Something told me clear as day that my mind doesn't have to be wrapped up in the indescribeable pain, but can be freed and joyful because of the indescribeable peace. It hit me hard. Very hard.

This happened 5 minutes ago.

I had to write it down. I had to share it. I'm sure you have found yourself thinking, "If I lost a child I couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it. How are you living?" You could. You can. It is because of the peace that passeth all understanding. It is the love and kindness and service that exceeds my mortal understanding. That is how.

I googled this phrase to learn more about it and find more scriptures relating to it, etc. I stumbled upon this article and I absolutely love it. I'm not sure who this woman is or what her background is (sounds like she might be Catholic?) but her words are wonderful. You really should read it.

CLICK HERE to read it. Let me know what you think.

Also, I might be feeling especially grateful for the peace because Peter has been napping in his cage for almost 3 hours. No, it couldn't be that.

Best Invention Ever--{Not just a Figure of Speech}

2011-12-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

30 Days of Thanks--#22

The crib tent.

Let me say it again in case you didn't hear.

CRIB. TENT.

Hallelujah. Amen and Amen.

Praise be unto the most high.

Here's to schedules, organization, structure, boundaries, and a well-rested child! (And Craigslist for the great find. I wanted to reply to Jennie's comment when she offered to send her crib tent to me but when I try to reply via email to a blog comment it won't let me. Is this due to my settings? It would be great to reply by email to some of your comments).

Peter actually likes the tent. Who knew?

Serenity Now!

Thank you to those who made Christmas donations to A Good Grief. What a wonderful gift you gave a family in need! My goodness. Now that Peter will be locked in his cage, I mean, napping again, I will be better at updating my blog and website.

I hope you enjoyed Christmas this year. I felt a lot of peace and gratitude. It was wonderful.

Holiday Romp

2011-12-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

Why was I genuinely surprised when Peter took to Mr. and Mrs. Claus at our church Christmas party? I shouldn't have been. Not when you have a kid as social and fearless as Peter. He was handing out hugs like candy at a parade. I secretly think he was the favorite of Kris Kringle. Just sayin.

We've been romping around on so many Holiday adventures. It's been so nice to be home with just the three of us! I owe all the fun to Vic, who has been planning and executing said adventures. They have been magical. If it were up to me this year, I'd be home in my jammies cleaning all day and not able to figure out why I'm so depressed. Vic has been wearing me ragged with trips to Primary Children's, the Heber Creeper Polar Express, The Muppet Movie (Amy Adams and I need to have a serious talk about how I was supposed to have her career but something got mixed up and out of sorts. Must rectify this situation asap. The word rectify always makes me chuckle and cringe a little inside). Ok, so we've also been to This is the Place Heritage Park to see the live reindeer, live nativity, Father Christmas and the post card come to life! (I could go on and on about how much I love this place! THIS IS THE PLACE!)

Honestly, Vic has truly made this a wonderful Christmas so far. I'm starting to get fat and its wonderful. I'm feeling so much better. Don't expect roses and gravy from here on out, but the fact that I ran a mile the other day and lifted weights, have been putting on makeup and getting out of the house is a true sign.

Did I mention my parents flew in from Russia for the holidays??? You can do that when you are on a mission?? Yes, if you happen to need knee surgery on Dec. 22nd. Speedy recovery, Papa!

Weiner Revealed!

2011-12-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

We have a weiner for my Christmas Thank You Giveaway!

You guys, I was so nervous. I don't know why. I wrote each of your names (the appropriate number of times) on a piece of paper and cut them into individual strips. After placing them in a bag, I shook and stirred them a million times. (Not really a million).

Here's what happened:

Dang it! I wanted all of you to win! It's killing me. At least you can blame it on Peter.

Thank you to all who entered and helped spread the word. Thank you to all those who contributed to the giveaway. If you have a product or service you'd like me to host as a giveaway, let me know. I'd love to have you.

And as for Julie...JACKPOT! Email me and I'll give you the deets.

Also, I can't stop singing, "Pleeeease...celebrate me home. Give me a number..." What does that even mean? It's too good. My sister and I love songs like this. And this:

30 Days of Thanks#21--My Magical Powers

2011-12-12T19:19:00.001-07:00

A few months ago I said I wished I was pregnant. Then I got pregnant. (Seriously, what was I thinking?) Then I bragged/thanked about Peter taking long naps and not climbing out of his crib.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That was so funny.

Who hasn't taken a nap in about three weeks? My little shit. He's insane. You know that's why I'm doing my giveaway, don't you? To get more readers and get sponsors so I can make some money to pay for pre-school. Right? The very cheapest pre-school in Park City is $25/day. (Morning) Doesn't sound horrible, until you think about it. Like with your math brain. Someone suggested I put a "donate to my sanity" button on my blog. It's a pretty good idea. I think people assume that because we live in Park City and my husband is an attorney that we have "money."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

( I really do have a machine gun laugh in real life. Really.)

So Vic suggested I blog about how he can't grow hair and needs to make more money. (But wait, I've blogged for years about how I can't sleep and that hasn't changed). But anyway, I have the uncanny and powerful ability to mention something (complain/whine/brag/beg) on my blog and the situation will change.

So here goes:

Vic just can't seem to stop balding! What's up with that?

Anyone know of a great job for a Spanish speaking attorney specializing in immigration/adoption/and criminal law who would rather not be an attorney? Loves history, reading, teaching, kids, politics, and religion.

Peter just doesn't nap and I can't seem to convince him he needs quiet time alone.
My mid-wife told me today I need to gain more weight. I KNOW that one will change which leads me to believe my theory about my magical powers.

Let's hope my magical powers work.

I feel like this blog didn't make very much sense.

I Don't Care How You Get Hair, Just Get Hair if You Can...

2011-12-12T15:28:00.002-07:00

So I guess it's going to take me until the New Year to finish my 30 Days of Thanks. Ah, well. For my 20th Day of Thanks I'd like to give a shout out to my hairdresser, Brooke Jenkins in Murray. Her husband, Charley Jenkins, is a good friend of mine from college. We had some incredible times performing together. His wife is a gorgeous beast who does a great job on my hair for an amazing price! THANK YOU, BROOKE! My haircut has given me super powers this week! I feel like a new person.

This was my inspiration. It actually looks almost identical to this in real life, color and all, minus the bang length. My camera phone photo taken in a Barnes and Noble restroom doesn't quite do it justice. I just made myself look fifty times uglier by posting this gorgeous woman under my photo, but so it is.

Don't forget to enter and share the incredible giveaway on the post below! Deadline is tonight.

Christmas Thank You Giveaway!

2011-12-08T15:36:00.003-07:00

In an attempt to say THANK YOU to my totally tubular, awesome, gnarly, rad, supportive blog readers, I'm hosting this here giveaway just in time for Christmas.

In order to enter you must be a follower of my blog. It's the blog you are on right now. It's called HOPE*SMILING*BRIGHTLY

In case you forgot where you were.

In addition, I run a non-profit organization that is an online support group for loss which also raises money for headstones for children. It's called A GOOD GRIEF.

I blog about the death of my daughter. My work toward hope. My good days and bad. My honest feelings. My extremely active son. Running. Performing. Life in Park City. Marriage. And trying to live my life the best I can. And I wouldn't have made it this far without my blog readers. That's the truth.

So become a follower and spread the good word about the possible winnings and why you read my blog. Post about it on facebook. Blog about it on your own blog. Tweet about it. (That's 1, 2, 3, 4 chances of winning for you or someone you love who could really use it).

*NEXT TO YOUR COMMENT, PLEASE WRITE THE NUMBER OF ENTRIES YOU FULFILLED. (For example, if you are already a follower and just left a comment it will say:

Jenny-1. If you became a new follower, posted about it on facebook, and blogged about it, it will look like this: Emma-3...and then your comment).

Thank you for your love and support.

Here is what is included in the giveaway:

Your very own customized chart from i (chart) you. YO DIGGIDY! (I'm fun, remember?)

Two customized t-shirts from ooshirts.com

You can print whatever you want on them! Logos, sayings, designs, whatevs!

A $25 Target gift card. Who doesn't love Target? I've had my eye on several skinny belts here!

And a handmade toddler boy messenger/book bag from Mingon's shop!

I love it all! Isn't it great?

Thanks for the years of listening to me ramble about my crazy self. As far as I can tell, the well of craziness is bottomless so this blog isn't going anywhere for a while.

Come and stay a while and share your stories with me.

XOXO

HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY FRIENDS!!

Giveaway ends Monday night at midnight.

30 Days of Thanks #19-Unexpected Motivation

2011-12-07T20:53:00.002-07:00

(Nerd bowling a few months ago).

Did I say I was doing a giveaway yesterday? That was funny. I meant to say I am doing a giveaway THIS WEEK. I didn't mean yesterday. Sorry for the confusion and/or disappointment. Look for it tomorrow. I promdress.

Speaking of disappointment, Vic told me yesterday that I'm boring. BORING! It was a shock to my soul. The ultimate offense to a performer. I told him it was like telling an attorney he has a great personality. It just doesn't ring true. Call me dramatic, call me needy, call me high maintenance, but don't call me boring!

He was laughing so hard at my reaction that surfaced and re-surfaced for hours. It really struck a chord with me and I realized he is right. Since I've been pregnant I've been a bump on a log. Worse than a bump on a log. I also realized I need to prove him wrong. Not for his sake, but for mine.

So there it is folks, time to step up my game. Time to stop moaning and start living my life again. Label me anything but boring.

(Peter has been at Vic's parent's house for two days and I've been SO MUCH FUN! Not that I'm asking Vic to notice or comment on it or anything. I'm just so much fun I can't help it! Right, honey? Didn't you love shopping with me yesterday during your lunch break AND last night at the outlet mall? Wasn't I so much fun on the phone today when I told you about my new haircut and Barnes and Noble and meeting one of my blog readers who I love for Red Mango? I was so FUN! Can you handle it???)

30 Days of Thanks--I WILL FINISH YOU!

2011-12-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

So Peter and I have strep throat. Awesome in a half shell.

But for my 18th thanks I'd like to say THANK YOU to my blog readers. I mean, who has blog readers like I do? Seriously. The support and advice and love you give me makes me cry as much as my pain because of its beauty. And please don't ever feel like any of your comments or emails are considered crazy. Have you not learned how crazy I am by now? Nothing seems crazy to me. (Except maybe the time I got an email from someone scolding me for releasing balloons on Lucy's death day because it is killing "the animals". That was a good one).

How do I say "Thanks"? I've tried before and it's never worked because I still feel the gratitude for your awesomeness burning inside of me. So I know it hasn't gotten out. Or maybe it has and it just doubles when I let it out? Is that how it works?

Either way, I'm announcing a big giveaway on my blog tomorrow and want you to win it for Christmas. Because you deserve it.

And in case you've been wondering what I've been up to:

My boots don't look very big on him.

I guess I should start taking pictures of myself this pregnancy. I've had a hard time putting on weight and have felt much more crazy (there's that word again) than pregnant. I'm sure this will change soon enough and I'll be singing a different tune.

30 Days of Thanks #17-Books (and a tangent)

2011-11-30T18:59:00.004-07:00

I know it sounds dramatical, but my life is probably 38% better when I am involved in a great book. I just finished "Sister of My Heart" which I highly recommend. I'm half way through "A Hundred Secret Senses" right now and am really enjoying it.

As a tangent to what I'm thankful for, can I just say how much I'm still struggling? I'm doing better than I was at the beginning of my pregnancy. I'm not NEARLY as nauseous and I have my appetite back. I can't remember if I told you part of the reason I was going so crazy in the beginning was because I went cold turkey off of my Ambien. But that didn't last. The panic attacks and insomnia were too severe and I got permission to go back on it. I feel more addicted to it now than ever and it is scaring me.

Addiction amongst Post Traumatic Stress/Tragedy survivors is very high. The interesting thing is, people assume I started Ambien after Lucy died. It was actually after she was born. The way a newborn throws your sleep patterns off is no joke. I developed what they call "self induced insomnia" where my brain was unable to relax, knowing Lucy would wake up crying soon anyway. At that point, Ambien really saved my life. I don't remember exactly, but I must have started it when she was a few months old and starting to wake only once a night or so.

And I weaned myself 3 weeks before she passed away. I was so proud. Then she died. I went back on it. But within weeks I was pregnant and was able to wean myself again. Then Peter was born...and the cycle started all over again. And the anxiety. And the grief. And here I am 2 1/2 years later (5 years counting Lucy's birth, minus the few breaks in between) and I feel at a loss.

I've also started Zoloft, which seems to be really helping. Or so I thought. Now I'm seeing some side-effects (make believe? or real?). I just want to feel 'normal' and healthy. I have no extra energy for anything. My house is a mess. I don't workout (who am I?). Peter is super needy and I'm constantly worried I'm going to have a heart attack, panic attack, stroke, faint, or go into a coma (from lack of sleep or too many drugs).

I'd love to go to a detox center of some sort (they say three months is the most effective). But who will take care of Peter? This isn't the most serious situation, but serious enough. I only take it at night, but it's been years! And I'm the mother of young children. And I can't nap without it. Which means I don't nap. EVER. It is pure torture.

So I guess that's why I'm so thankful for books. They get me out of my own head. They send me into another world where I don't have to think about cleaning my house, chasing after Peter, that my daughter died, or how healthy my baby is going to be and how I'll take care of it.

So what do I do?

30 Days of Thanks #16--Target Robe

2011-11-29T11:25:00.001-07:00

I know, I'm way behind. Is tomorrow really the last day of November? I better crank these out.

I just want you to know how thankful I am for my very bright polka-doted plush and soft robe with heart-shaped pockets from the little girls section at Target. I have no idea how I ever lived without it.

30 Days of Thanks #15--Christmas Gifts!

2011-11-21T15:16:00.002-07:00

I (CHART) YOU

I love planning and plotting Christmas gifts for my loved ones. {Have I purchased a single thing this year? No. But I will. Sometime, somehow}.

My good friend's sister in NYC designs these INCREDIBLE and so ORIGINAL family history charts/artwork. Do you not LOVE? I really want one!

They come in all sorts of color schemes. Is this not a perfect gift? I'm really excited about these. Click on her Etsy shop to see more!! I (chart) you.

30 Days of Thanks #14-Very Part Time Job

2011-11-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

Every Thursday I head to Park City Main Street {one of my favorite spots in PC, not visited often by locals, but when you go, you remember more reasons its fun to live here} to teach dance for 2 hours. I'm actually choreographing Guys and Dolls for the Youtheatre Program at the Egyptian Theatre.

I love it. I've choreographed and taught for them for years, but I especially appreciate this go-around because it helps me get out of the house and use my mad skillz. I get to be creative, work in a theatre, interact with super talented teens, and move my body. There really isn't a lot of money in theatre, but there is so much satisfaction. {Sounds like my marriage--just kidding}.

I love getting to know different people in this community. There are so many cool cats that live here. I mean, I teach Eric Heiden's daughter, for Pete's sake. {You know who he is, don't you? A speed skating icon and the most successful Winter Olympian from any Winter Olympics}. And I think the kids like me. And I love teaching. And it just feels good to have moments where you aren't "just a mom". I'm in my element when I'm at the theatre.

I'm really thankful for my super part-time job.

{HOPE*SMILING*BRIGHTLY}