I was working out with a friend a couple of months ago who had a fancy watch on that was connected to a strap around his chest. When we were side-by-side on the treadmill, the machine picked up his heart rate and read it to me. He explained that he could keep better track of his progress in and out of the gym if he could record his heart rate.

As I paid more attention to my workout regime and progress, I started thinking about how useful this data would be to me and for my birthday I asked friends and family to give me money instead of gifts so I could put it towards one of these fancy watches. This weekend I finally bought a really nice heart rate monitor watch:

And started to record…well…everything. At first it was a rollerblading journey, but then I got curious. Why was my average heart rate at 154 when I didn’t feel very out of breath or tired? I recall my friends’ being at 128 or so and he was sweating pretty good. So I ran it during preparing dinner. Average 91 bpm. Seems a little high, but not ridiculous for a relaxing activity. So I tested my levels and found out that my heart rate rises super quickly. And I don’t get out of breath, either. It just goes from about 85/90 to 125/130 to 150/155 in a matter of a minute just from moving around a bit (taking stairs, doing pushups/situps, etc) and then drops just as fast when I stop. I also found out that I don’t actually start breathing heavy until about 170 or so.

This has prompted me to go get that long overdue checkup next week. Something that I have been putting off for way too long. I have been working out steadily now for about 4 months. Taking care of myself. Eating better. Feeling great. But the heart rate is not normal. And I have noticed that I require more sleep than average over the past few years and the exercise hasn’t made it better.

The point here isn’t that I’m concerned about my health, but that I wouldn’t know there is anything to be concerned about if I didn’t have the data that the Polar heart rate monitor has given me. Which made me start thinking about how little data we have on our own bodies and how little we have to compare it against (if it wasn’t for my fitness-buff friend, I wouldn’t know that 155 is a really high mid-range heart rate). Is there anyone out there that has their health records back to the time they were born? Hell, I don’t even have health records back to when my son was born. *Gulp* I may not even have health records back to the last doctor’s visit I had. Now where was that?

Of course we’ve seen the sci-fi movies like Minority Report where this data in the wrong hands is a dangerous thing…and, well, there are multiple commercial entities trying to gather our health records together, but what about you and I? And where is our mechanism to start gathering this information without worrying about how it’s being paid for? My heart rate monitor is a good start, but what about other biometrics? The cost of testing is coming down. It really is. I have my latest eye testing results. That was $50. I joined 23 and Me a couple of years back. A little steeper at $399, but I’m sure it will come down as more people join. Now where to store it? Analyze it? Is there an SMS alert I can set up if something seems out of place?

Frankly, the thought of having this additional information about my body is kind of exciting. Something I’m willing to pay for. To monitor. If I knew the effects of that poutine I had at 3 am a couple of weeks ago were in real time, I would probably watch what I put in my body. I would walk more. I wouldn’t have that extra drink. I would definitely never bum a cigarette when drinking. But right now it’s invisible and even though I kind of get the effects of my personal abuse, I keep abusing.

I wonder how much more effective self-monitoring would be in disease prevention? Cancer? Obesity? Heart disease? Would we start to become numb to the information or would it actually make us healthier? I think it’s the latter. The more I can look inside of my body, the less I want to abuse it. The new gaming becomes how to achieve the perfect score on health. Better than any badges, getting an all-time high score on the state of my lungs would be something to tweet about.

We are just at the beginning of how important data is going to become in our lives. From our bodies to what we spend to our location to our relationships and beyond. We are just starting to realize how us being aware of, owning and controlling our data is going to be the most powerful part of our future.

When I owned my own house and my hot water heater died, I had to get it replaced. Broken things added up over time, but I always thought to myself, “That’s okay. It’s an investment in my own property.” So the time and money spent on it felt like an investment in my future.

Now, I understand that hosting my own blog has similar benefits. I’m hosting my own data and have complete freedom with it and that is very future focused of me. But I understand the importance of data in the future and not everyone does.

This conversation is going on right now over on the Project VRM Mailing list. I’m explaining why the fact that blog maintenance being a pain in the ass outweighs most people’s perceived benefits to hosting one’s own data. That Facebook or Google owning our data doesn’t seem pressing compared to the type of work we’d have to put into the maintenance of it ourselves. Plus, there is that convenient way that they connect so many of us by making it so easy.

I self-host my blog. I get to personalize the theme and have the ability to export my data in an instant. Nobody puts ads on here except for me. You sign up for alerts? I maintain that database. It’s my content, my community and my artwork. All mine. But it’s also a huge time suck. I get bugs, hacked, lose things, have the possibility of having my host explode and lose everything not backed up. When my template breaks with an update, I have to figure out why. I recently lost my Whuffie Factor website altogether (content is still on my server), and it’ll take me a while to track down this issue. My blog was compromised again for, like, the 6th or 7th time in 10 months just this week. I needed to research what was going on and how to fix it, then figure out where things were at, what my passwords were (I always seem to be changing them) and wade through folders looking for files that look out of place (I have no clue, really). Luckily I have stellar friends that helped me out.

It’s frustrating and inconvenient. And even for me, a big believer in owning my own data, I wonder on days like these if it’s worth it. I want to “set and forget”. I’ll deal with the data issue later so I don’t have to deal with the maintenance issues now. So I posted this dilemma to the list and got back a bunch of responses with all sorts of links on how I can make my blog more secure. It’s not that security isn’t important. It’s very important. I get that. But I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want answers. I want convenience.

And I really think that is the basis for “regular people” not fighting against Facebook or any other companies that own a good amount of our data (still growing at an incredible rate even if there are protests in the geek ranks). They make everything really convenient. People don’t want to learn more about security so they can host their own conversations and relationships, but if you provided people with a solution that is 100% user-friendly PLUS you gave people the ability to export/move data/relationships/etc, you would be a clear choice.

People aren’t lazy or stupid, but we ARE busy and will find anything to simplify our lives so we have more times for the things that really matter (i.e. not reading how to make our blogs more secure). It’s not about education, it’s about understanding that. So if you are in the business of changing the world or offering a solution for people that is empowering or a ‘better alternative’, don’t educate people on the benefits of using your service. Instead, offer the very very best user experience in the universe. Help people not think about the stuff that doesn’t matter and do all of the heavy lifting in the background so that they can just reap the benefits of your platform. If you can deliver both freedom AND convenience, you’ll be the clear winner.

Him: “When are you available to go out?”
Me (checks schedule): “I’m free Saturday night.”
Him: “Cool. What would you like to do?”
Me: “I’m open. You pick.”
Him: “Oh, that’s a lot of pressure. Do you want to eat or…?”
Me (getting frustrated): “Sounds good.”
Him: “Okay…what kind of food do you like?”
Me: “I’m open.”
Him: “Do you like Italian?”
Me (biting my tongue): “I’m open. So sure.”
Him: “What time were you thinking?…”

At about this point I want to say, “Forget it. I’m busy,” or, like I’ve done in the past just step in and pick a place, time and take charge. And the frustrating thing is that, over the 19 years of adulthood dating I’ve participated in, this is more the rule than the exception. I can count on one hand where I was asked out, plans were made and I just enjoyed being out. And each of those times I had the time of my life. Not all of them were fancy (sometimes it’s just a walk in the park, a drink on a patio or a dinner), but the fact that I didn’t have to take charge made me feel like a princess.

I had a boyfriend years ago that I took ballroom dancing lessons with. We were awful. At one point the instructor came up and asked, “What’s going on here? Show me the steps.” We stumbled through them and then my boyfriend blurted out, “It’s because she keeps trying to lead!” The instructor took one look at him and replied, “Of course she does, silly, SOMEBODY has to!” The relationship didn’t last much past that point. To me, that moment was a metaphor for that entire relationship. I’ve spend most of my life taking charge (mostly because as a single mom who had nobody else to rely on, I have to), so I am more than happy to just let someone else take charge when possible. To be in a relationship where I’m leading all of the time is exhausting!

But what came first: men who got complacent or women who started taking charge?

Did the sexual liberation of women lead to men taking a step back and stop trying so hard? Or did men stop trying so hard lead to more women stepping up? I’ve had this conversation with too many others (both men and women) to think it only happens to me. And to be fair, men shouldn’t be the only ones making decisions and leading, either. Both parties should continue working to make the other one happy. Relationships where one person is putting in more work than the other are draining. But if the woman focusing more on how to make a relationship work is a generalization and a stereotype, I’d love to experience the example that disrupts it. Especially now when we are leading more in the workplace. That’s a double-day and the studies show that women are growing more tired and stressed because of this.

But then I ask myself…is it me? Am I doing this? Do I come across as too “take charge”? Do I not give any space for someone to take care of my needs? Am I not vulnerable enough? I have heard myself uttering the following phrase too many times, “I don’t *need* anyone” (and had a good friend tell me I repeat that phrase more often than anything else). All my life I’ve been told that a woman shouldn’t be needy. Any time I’ve uttered the words, “I’m lonely”, I have dozens of people instructing me that I should be perfectly happy with my own company and that nobody will love me until I can love myself. Since I was a little girl I was taught to stand on my own two feet, be myself, not need anyone, be 100% self-sufficient, fill my own needs, get over my need for external validation, never make a decision based on another person, be emotionally secure and never admit I’m lonely. And ironically I’m standing on my own two feet and all of the above, but what I want most in the world is for a strong man to come along and organize a goddamned date and sweep me off of my feet. I want to let go and be vulnerable and just be taken care of by someone else.

My point is this…I know that I shouldn’t be needy, but I don’t want to be 100% independent either. And I think we give people (men AND women) the wrong messages growing up about this stuff. We aren’t rocks. We aren’t islands. We *do* need other people. And there are times we should take and times we should give in order to maintain the balance in human relationships. A woman being vulnerable isn’t a setback to an ancient time, it is reality. It doesn’t mean that we are always vulnerable or more vulnerable than men. Being loved is awesome. And being loved requires a certain level of vulnerability. In order to accept it, you must take a risk with your heart.

So…if someone can give me a clue as to how I can be vulnerable without coming across as needy, would you let me know? And if you run across a man who can make a decision and take charge feel free to introduce me.

The context of our conversation was the following: I’ve been asked out at a fairly normal, even healthy rate, by men I meet while out and about, but as soon as they ‘friend’ me on Facebook, there seems to be an extreme amount of vanishing going on. According to my male friend, my level of disclosure is too much for most men to stomach (in his words, men want “mystery” or at least to think that there is a challenge to getting a girl’s number and information). Of course, my reaction was that any man that couldn’t handle a few foursquare check-ins and posts about my son and life on FB wouldn’t be man enough to deal with me anyway, so good riddance. However I wondered in the back of my mind if removing my phone number and tightening up the privacy settings just a wee bit wouldn’t hurt anyway.

As I did this it occurred to me that there was a new ‘class’ of women emerging in the world. When I open up FB, most of the posts talking about personal lives, posting whereabouts and having deep discussions about sex and modern love are by the women I have as friends on FB. Many of them single. Most of them list their contact information, including phone number. The number of posts by women seem to be far greater than those by men – and I have more male ‘friends’ than female by far (it’s the circles I run in). And this seems consistent with some of the most recent research about who is participating on social networks (more women). Only a few years back, though, it seemed to be the opposite.

Only 3 years ago, it seemed that women were more closed in their use of social web tools:

Women were keeping their Twitter accounts private, their Facebook accounts only open to close friends and they certainly weren’t joining the social networks that broadcast location at a major rate. I’m not sure what the percentage is, but it does appear that women are dropping the “women need to be private for safety” line in exchange for the “women need to be public for success” line. At least in my circles.

Recently, this article came out proclaiming that, well, we as women don’t really “need” men anymore as we are earning more money, more educated and have the majority of the buying power now. Hell, we don’t really even need them to make babies thanks to modern science. My favorite line in the entire article is:

Guys, one senior remarked … “are the new ball and chain.”

Still, as I remarked to my friend (who thought I repeated the line “I don’t *need* a man” too many times to be a neutral statement), I would like to have a healthy, long term relationship with a man, so I’m trying to get to the bottom of the vanishing problem (and vanishing before I can even have an IRL date). As he put it, “You probably don’t want to be dating normal men anyway.”

Bingo. “The normals” is a term I’ve heard come up more and more lately. At one point it was used to describe non-early-adopter types that you want to attract to your startup. At some point, it became people who don’t ‘get’ our crazy social web lifestyle. The lifestyle where we are recording every moment, happening, thought and occasion in some sort of digital form and quite often broadcasting it to everyone. It is quite addictive, really, especially when it is so full of every day rewards: increasing your friend base (geographically as well as numerically), getting you hired to teach others to do this stuff, small bits of fame here and there and interesting moments every day. Broadcasting and connecting with other broadcasters becomes a way for life to get super interesting quickly. It isn’t trivial, either. The knowledge I accumulate through my random conversations daily has made me dangerous at a cocktail party. Who needs to read the paper anymore when we pass around articles before they are published and dissect them as a collective?

“The Normals” who are part of those conversations are left in our opinionated dust. In our crazy social web world, we gain one another’s respect by our deep analysis of social issues. In the ‘normal’ world, we are seen as complete airbags. But there is nothing wrong with our neverending quest for knowledge or desire to share every bit of that knowledge accumulated (being the awesome knowledge brokers we are), it’s just, well, a little abnormal…for ‘normal’ people.

And it’s worse for women. A man who knows lots of stuff, shares it and gets excited by this knowledge is seen by most as industrious, ambitious and smart. Not all women, but many women see this man as attractive and someone with great earning potential. A woman who exhibits a keen desire to share knowledge (for instance, to talk about data, the future of economics and the changing socio-cultural climate) on the other hand is really ONLY seen as attractive by men who are excited by those conversations. For male “Normals”, this woman is emasculating at best.

It’s a stereotype stuck in another era, really. As the presence of women as the leaders in the workforce grows, it will be more an more crucial for women to be knowledgeable and ready to share and strut that knowledge. And not only will it be necessary for our professional lives, but, hell, it will become apparent that knowledge is freakin awesome, so we will want to pursue more of it. At some point, “The Normals” will occupy the minority, too, because survival will be directly tied to our knowledge and ability to share it…but that’s a whole other post.

I knew there was a reason that I’ve found nerds sexier than jocks and rockstars as I’ve grown older (and wiser). They seem to understand that holding her own in a debate on the future of nuclear energy or whether China is the next superpower is the sexiest thing a woman can do and that a woman who blogs, posts her geo-location and scours the web for interesting articles to post on her FB profile is just being smart about her data. The mystery that turns nerds on is in figuring out how to read between the lines of her Twitter stream, how to decode the latest Blip.fm playlist to find out how she really feels about you and looking at her Flickr favorites to understand how she wants to see the world around her. Love is knowing that she shares what is happening with thousands of people, but her innermost fears with only you.

So I maintain that a man who asks for my number but cannot handle my level of disclosure is not the man for this modern woman. And I’m afraid it’s his dating pool, not mine, that is getting smaller.

Last night, as I was getting ready to head out I started to look for excuses to just stay in. I was feeling sorry for myself. I had tried to recruit others to join me out dancing to no avail. The week had been a series of missed connections and frustrating cancellations. I had more will to lay on the sofa sulking than get my coat on and head out the door.

But I did it. I headed out the door and went all by myself to hear a friend spin at a club. And I had an amazing time. I danced to great music and discovered a fantastic local band. I met interesting people. I got to know a new friend a little better and enjoyed a fun conversation. I found out about more events I need to head out to in the near future. I collected some business cards. I learnt a trick with limes. I flirted. I laughed. I ended up at home at 5:00 am.

And I think of the opposite scenario: “What did you end up doing last night?” “Nothing. Fell asleep staring at my ceiling again.” No thanks.

Why am I talking about this? Why should you care about my night out dancing? Well…because it relates to everything else. Without pushing ourselves to do something uncomfortable like going out alone, walking up to someone to introduce ourselves at a networking event, starting a new business, talking to that person who looks interesting or trying a new cultural experience, we don’t open ourselves up to new opportunities. What is it that Wayne Gretzky said? “I miss 100% of the shots I never take.” Sure staying at home would have been more comfortable for me, staying at the dead end job (and not taking a risk with a business idea) would be more stable and not talking to that person I find interesting would save me from potential rejection, but in all cases, I’ve created a scenario for failure 100% of the time. When i go out, I potentially meet people, get some exercise and learn something new. When I become an entrepreneur, I can potentially grow to places impossible for me to grow to as an employee of an organization. When I talk to a stranger, I could meet my future mate, business partner or best friend. I’ll never know by staying at home and staying safe.

A while back I wrote about luck and success, in which one of the characteristics of lucky people is that they get out of their regular routines/situations and try new things. They leave their comfort zones. They strike up conversations with new people. Most lately, I’ve been settling in pretty hard and forgetting that. This is reminding me to get out more and explore and meet new people. I’m pretty sure my ‘settling’ and my feeling like I’m in a stand-still rut are related.

So, from now on, I’m promising myself to do at least one small act of getting out of my comfort zone a day (talk to an interesting stranger or the like) and one bigger act of getting out of my comfort zone a week (joining a book club, going dancing by myself, reading a book that isn’t part of my usual interest, etc.) and get out of my rut.

Now…if you’ll excuse me, I need to get ready to head out to do some swing dancing.

I’ve been ruminating on it ever since he gave it. I went through all sorts of emotions when I watched it. Some anger and dismissal, but also some a-ha moments. His argument is, basically, there is a right and wrong morality (and some grey areas) and that science, not religion, can help us determine. And the determination is to maximize the human condition. His talk is worth watching and discussing and Chris Anderson asks some compelling questions at the end.

Ironically, it is the recent debates in the US over healthcare and the subsequent BP Oil Spill (both failures of science) that has got me thinking about this talk again. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t think it’s healthy for us to be tolerant of values that infringe on the lives of others for personal gain. And I don’t know if science is the answer, but I’m willing to support the pursuit of finding out what maximizing the human condition means and how we can get there.

Just this morning Christopher Carfi pointed a most excellent post on the Blogher Blog entitled, “Manifesto: I am not a brand.” For those of you who have seen my live rants (aka speaking gigs), you know that one of the zinger one-liners I have delivered from time to time is: “Instead of a personal brand, why not just get a personality?” So I ran off to read Maureen Johnson‘s most excellent post (and wonderful rant – I so identify with her on the half-sized water bottles) right away.

I’ll make you go and read it yourself, but I do want to clip a portion or two of the manifesto that struck me as “OMG yes! WTF?!! Exactly!” moments:

We can, if we group together, fight off the weenuses and hosebags who want to turn the Internet into a giant commercial.

and

Make stuff for the Internet that matters to you, even if it seems stupid. Do it because it’s good and feels important.

Not only does her language pull on my heartstrings (totally using the word ‘weenuses’ from now on), but her general outlook. And the thing about her general outlook is that it is gorgeously utopic like mine. That neverending, undying even if the crap is kicked out of it faith in the core goodness of humankind and the possibility that things CAN be made better and more people just have to believe in it and get behind it and the world will transform into a better place for all of us…cause what we are doing right now just ain’t working. I mean, it looks like it’s working for some and then we are promised we can all have that if we’d just get off our lazy asses and work a little harder and step on a few people to get there. And when I say “that to which we are promised”, I mean some sort of luxurious life complete with high end handbags with big logos and more legroom on flights. But somebody has to sit in cattle class, eh?

Let me back up a bit here. I had a bit of a tipsy debate with a very smart person I know (who, in any case, one should never argue with sober OR tipsy, but I gave it a go) and afterwards he said the sweetest thing to me, which made me realize I was right all along:

“I enjoy your un-ending optimism..”

Because I argued that, much like Maureen, I believe there is a better way to approach the world. Why have we structured everything around ourselves to be about the almighty dollar? And why is the almighty dollar pretty consistently the reward for weenusism? For hustle? And stepping on other people? In the end, there is only so much of the almighty dollar to go around, so as I said earlier somebody has got to sit in cattle class and it isn’t always the lazy arses. Quite often it’s those people who are “making stuff that matters, even if it seems stupid because it feels good and important.” You know, people like artists, writers, teachers, inventors (before they sell to 3M), academics, activisits, non-profit workers, small business entrepreneurs, volunteers, musicians (before they sell to Disney), open source coders, the people who serve you your triple shot latte extra hot, students, dancers, actors, yoga instructors, mechanics, etc.

Not that those of us that sit in cattle class don’t want to make gobs of the almighty dollar, it’s just not at the top of the priority list. And thank god for that! Because if everyone was focused on the hustle of making the almighty dollar at any cost, this world would be a lonely cesspool none of us would be particularly fond of living in. We need the people who don’t prioritize the almighty dollar. Too bad we don’t value them.

I’ve been luckier than most. I’ve sat in the parts of the plane with lots of legroom, been served by an in-flight sommelier, laid flat to sleep and gotten the high quality free socks on the overseas flight. It’s an awesome feeling. Mostly because I know that it’s rare and tomorrow I’ll be flying in cattle class again and treated like a number. And I’m not saying that cattle class needs to go away or that we’d be living in a better world where we didn’t have to struggle at some level. But I do wonder why the hell having an in-flight sommelier is more important than making sure nobody in the world goes to bed hungry. And I wonder where the hell the venture capital is that will fund the projects “that matter, even if they seem stupid because they are good and important”.

I spent four years in SF Bay area watching all sorts of hustlers and weenuses get funded for their projects that didn’t really matter, were going to be the next Google and were certainly not good or important. Many of those projects are long gone along with the VC money. I also watched as really good people working on really great projects that were good and mattered struggled to find funding. Some are still working (on the side) on those projects. Some have been hired by companies like Google and Microsoft (and believed they can incorporate their good and important ideas into the big machines). Some have seen awesome community traction and found homes to support them (like and VRM). And though there is a fund for social enterprise in existence, it can’t handle all things that are good and important.

Our priorities are seriously off in this world. And I know that a good number of people agree with me. I would venture to say that there are enough people that agree with me that, as Maureen says, can “group together, fight off the weenuses and hosebags who want to turn the Internet into a giant commercial.” The voice is growing, we just need more examples. Look, I don’t have money. I’m still trying to figure out how to pay my rent next month. But there are people who do. And I believe strongly that social enterprise…or the “stuff that is good and important” is and can be profitable, too. It’s just more equitable, that’s all. And if it fails monetarily, well, at least there is a net gain for the world (not just a bunch of auctionable foosball tables and aeron chairs) just for the sheer existence of that project, which contributes to fighting off the lonely cesspool world we don’t want to live in.

Now…only if we could find that benefactor for our startup that is about being “good and important” while I’m at it.

“…faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.” the bible

“All you need is love.” John Lennon

etc.

Throughout time artists, philosophers, poets and everyone else who has ever published anything about human relationships has come to the conclusion that the very fundamental drive in our lives is love. We do it all for love…greatness included.

The problem – and I’m pretty sure this has been my core driver – is that love also can become such an enormous disappointment that we tell ourselves all sorts of stories about not needing it. Not wanting it. Being above it. Whatever we can possibly tell ourselves that will dull the aching need to have it. Psychology Today had a brilliant little piece this month about the worst advice we’ve been given. I think that the worst advice I ever got was that “you couldn’t love anyone else until you love yourself.” Why? It seems so sound, right? Well sure. Self-esteem is important and, for most people, is a long road and ongoing process. The world is full of self-doubt and people who will let you know you won’t make the grade. But I think better advice is that you can’t receive external validation for something that is lacking internally…but denying yourself love until you get there isn’t positive either. And truly, how does one even know what one is missing unless one experiences it?

Sure, Lady Gaga’s recent quote in Cosmo made me jump for joy:

Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.

Because it captured that ennui I had been feeling for so long regarding love. Something so fundamental to our lives had become an utter disappointment for me so I wanted to reject it outright and embrace something that I could actually control. But it doesn’t work that way. It’s like being hungry. You can only ignore the stomache pains for so long, but then there are more adverse effects on your body. Love is like hunger. It’s essential to living.

I think I read it in Goleman’s Social Intelligence, but there is actual research on how heartbreak DOES lead to death. It’s slow and it works in tandem with a weakened overall system, but a human being without love will eventually die. That’s why you see widows and widowers pass away shortly after the death of their partner. Our bodies work better when we have love.

Now sure, I always have love. I have my son, my dog, my family, my friends and my worldwide community of amazing interweb friends who show me uber amounts of love. Therefore, I’m in no threat of keeling over from lack of human connection. But having a taste of someone I can build a deeper, more intimate, more meaningful relationship with made me realize that mentally, I could really use the occasional ‘rock’ to lean on to help me grow. The problem has been that, to date, my ‘rocks’ have been rocky and the results of that in my life have left me mentally more anguished than satisfied. In my case, my heartbreaks didn’t lead to physical death, but they definitely led to metaphorical illnesses – where each one scarred me a little more emotionally.

And the biggest issue is me, of course. I’m the common denominator here who can’t just fall in love a little. I’m a jump in with both feet kind of girl, often leaping far before I’ve decided to look which has led to some really bad decisions. Decisions that were bound to leave me disappointed. And so here I am after taking several years now to avoid love and focus on greatness feeling like I’m missing something that I know I’ve been terrible at identifying in the past anyway.

But I’m rethinking it. I’m recognizing it. And even though I haven’t changed as a person (still can’t seem to fall in love slowly), I think I’m a little more aware of who I am and what I need. And guess what? I need love. Because that is, at the end of each day, the meaning of life.

This being said, I’m not about to dive in head first without looking like I used to. No more bad decisions. And I’m also going to try and balance the two – love and greatness – which means the love will have to be a net positive in my life and the greatness can’t be obsessive. So for all of you who, on the original post, told me I was being too narrow about this…you were right. Because it’s not about choosing between one or the other, but recognizing that both are complicated and hard to accomplish, but cannot exist isolated from one or the other.

So yeah. I choose both. And even though that scares the bejeebus out of me, I’m kind of excited to see where this new direction leads.

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Egad, it’s been WAY too long since I’ve had a regular fitness regime. I hate to admit it, but it’s been just over 2 years since I’ve made going to the gym a regular activity. At that time, I had a goal in mind (wanted to lose 25 lbs) and I had achieved it, but then got into some bad habits and started traveling more. I lost my momentum and, though I didn’t gain the 25 back (only about 5-10 depending on the day), I got terribly out of shape again.

I’ve actually been blessed with a very athletic body base. Sports and endurance came easy for me when I was younger (except for distance running – have always hated it). I could get away with very little exercise to stay in pretty decent shape. Saying that, I’ve never been a beanpole…not even as a child or a tween. I was born with strong, sturdy thighs (my brother called me ‘thunder thighs’ from the age of 6), tall and big-boned. A couple of years back, I had my bone density measured and I’m off the charts. Just recently I had my body composition analyzed and I have over 125lbs of muscle and bones alone! Which means I’ll never be a Kate Moss…even if I wanted to. Personally, I’m more into being a Venus Williams anyway.

Ever since I moved to Montreal, I’ve been talking about getting back into that routine, but between travel and all the exhaustion that comes with it, that routine has been a big #FAIL. That was, until I met Jonas and David, behind the impending startup TrainingMobs, at a StartupDrinks in Montreal about 6 weeks back. We made a deal…we support one another in our startup woes/victories, I help them with community and they help me get in shape!

Not to mention it was about the time that I fell in love with P!nk’s new tattoo and the thighs that go with them:

Workout

So…here is my schedule thusfar (except I’ve mainly stuck with just getting to the gym whenever I can every day, there are some classes that I’ve fallen in love with):

If you can’t join me at the classes, it’s pretty simple: 45min-1hr/day/4-5x per week in cardio (getting the heart rate up) that is at fat-burning levels (65%). The rates on the machines are bullocks, I’ve found, because they make generalizations. So I found a really great calculation where you can actually figure out your target levels:

Target heart rate calculation:

220 – Your Age = __A___

A – Your Resting Heart Rate = ___B___


B * 65% = __C__ (low end of heart rate)
B * 85% = __D___ (high end)


C + Your Resting heart rate = ___E___ (fat-burning zone)
D + Resting heart rate = ____F____ (cardio zone)


The target heart rate zone would be E to F.

My Example:

220 – 36 (my age) = 184

184 – 110 (my resting heart rate – it’s high!) = 74


74 * 65% = 48.1 (low end of heart rate)
74 * 85% = 62.9 (high end)


48.1 + 110 = 158 (fat-burning zone)
62.9 + 110 = 173 (cardio zone)

My target heart rate zone is 158 to 173…WAY higher than most machines tell me.

So no matter what machine I’m on, I’m trying to stick to the 158-162 level of heart rate in order to burn fat (machines tell me 128 – which puts me in sleep zone). I also plan to get myself a heart rate monitor for my classes to make sure I’m sticking with that target.

And working out is boring for me, so I try to switch it up a lot. I move between classes and machines. I even found Dance Dance Revolution at my gym! As it gets nicer, I’ll move some of my workouts outside – get a bike and hit various trails, hiking, rollerblading, etc. As long as I get in that hour of cardio 4-5x per week, it doesn’t matter what I’m doing. Finding friends to share it with is also optimal to keep you interested and motivated.

A great workout mix is also helpful. Here is an example of mine:

1. Obsessed – Mariah Carey
2. According to You – Orianthi
3. Jumpin Jumpin – Destiny’s Child
4. Telephone – Lady Gaga
5. I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas
6. Tik Tok – Kei$ha
7. Bulletproof – La Roux
8. Evacuate the Dancefloor – Cascada
9. Faster Kill Pussycat – Oakenfold
10. Me and My Imagination – Sophie Ellis Bextor

I am also finding it useful to aim for body part goals based on bodies I admire. I showed you P!nk’s legs/butt, but I’m also shooting for Michelle Obama’s arms (perfectly sculpted, strong, but still feminine):

And Gwen Stefani’s abs (they are more pronounced in this photo, but I do want to reveal a stomach that is shockingly six-packed for a woman – I used to have it and I think I can again):

But the biggest driver for me is my 37th birthday is coming up and I plan to be in Vegas with all of my friends hanging poolside at Mandalay Bay and I am bound and determined to have a bikini-ready body. So, set a date, some body goals, grab a few friends and have fun.

Diet

My diet is simple: Stay under 1500 calories/day and stay away from processed sugars, wheat or anything that is difficult for my body to process. Snack on fruit (I bought a load of unsweetened dried fruit like apricots, apples and berries), peppers, carrots and other veggies that can be munched on raw. No pasta, bread or big starchy bases at meals. Keep meals light and focus on snacks. Stick with fish and chicken breast. No beer right now or drinks with sugar (fancy martinis). Limit to Gin or Vodka and soda water with lime (but keep that to a minimum). Wine is the only thing I’m allowing a little slack to, but only 1x per week (cheat day?).

My body burns about 1600 kcal/day without getting out of bed, so it’s pretty efficient (as per my body assessment). Many diets say to eat around 1200 calories/day for weight loss when you aren’t regularly active and 1500 calories/day if you are working out regularly. That doesn’t give you much room. I hate counting numbers on boxes, so I try to stick to the rule of thumb that if the food is natural and unprocessed, my body is more likely to use it as energy rather than store it as fat. I don’t count every red pepper and dried apricot.

Basically, eat when I’m hungry, but only food that is unprocessed, non-starchy and only has natural sugars. Drink loads of water. Don’t starve myself. Don’t binge. Instead of three round meals/day, I graze.

Conclusion

Know your body. I’ve never really jived with personal trainers because they use general principles on me. Over the years, I’ve gotten to know what my body responds to the best. What I’m doing above may not work for you at all. Maybe you need to do more weights (my muscle mass is quite big for a woman, so I have to stay away from weight training) and less cardio. Maybe you would be better off in a higher cardio zone. Perhaps you can’t survive without at least 3 steaks/week. Figure out what your body responds to through trial and error and go for it. Maybe the gym doesn’t work at all for you. A friend of mine lost significant weight by engaging in activities he loved like indoor climbing and dancing, but never hit a gym. To this day, he has a smokin physique.

But I do think what David and Jonas are working on at TrainingMobs is key for me anyways – having a fun, flexible, social routine works the best. In July I plan to post my ‘after’ photos (I guess I should take some before even though I’m a bit into it?) and be their first guinea pig. And I hope some of you join me.