Without having a long drawn out diatribe like I like to type, we’re abandoning the previous format of “The Line” and replacing it with “Are you smarter than a video game,” where I’ll be doing the picks along with my trusty Madden 09.  Lets get on with it,  game broadcasts start in two hours.

Cincy (-2) at Baltimore
flohtingPoint: Cincy (I dont trust Joe)
Madden09: Game went to OT, Ravens won 13-10

NY Jets (-3) at Miami
flohtingPoint: Jets.  I really want to say Miami though…
Madden09: Dolphins won in OT, 23-15

New England (-16) vs KC Chiefs
flohtingPoint: New England.
Madden09:New England won 15-3, so looks like Madden is picking the Chiefs.

Steelers (-6.5) vs Houston
flohtingPoint: Pittsburgh
Madden09:  Pitt won 13-0.

Jacksonville (-3) at Titans
flohtingPoint: Jacksonville.  If anything, this line should be bigger.
Madden09 :Titans won 31-7.

Detroit (-3) at Atlanta
flohtingPoint: Detroit
Madden09: Detroit won 15-3

Buffalo (-1) vs Seattle
flohtingPoint: Seattle
Madden09:Seattle wins 38-13

New Orleans (-3) vs Tampa
flohtingPoint: New Orleans
Madden09: Saints won 30-23

Philly (-8.5) vs Rams
flohtingPoint: Philly
Madden09: St Louis wins 35-21

Dallas (-6) at Browns
flohtingpoint: Dallas
Madden09: Dallas won 30-14

San Diego (-9) vs Carolina
flohtingPoint: I’m going with Carolina.  I know Smith is out but something tells me that the Chargers cant cover a 9 point spread.
Madden09: San Diego wins 27-14

Arizona (-2.5) at San Fran
flohtingPoint: Should I go with trends, I should pick the 9ers, as my Cards have struggled with them for quite some time, but hey, Im dumb, go Cards.
Madden09: Arizona wins 22-20, winning by a safety win OT.  Madden picks San Fran.

Indy (-9.5) vs Chicago
flohtingPoint: Indy, even if Sorgi tosses the rock
Madden09:Indy wins 15-0

Green Bay (-2) vs Vikings
flohtingPoint: I dont even know how GB is a fav here… Vikings.
Madden09: GB wins 20-10.

Denver (-3) at Oakland
flohtingPoint: Denver
Madden09: Oakland wins 16-6.

Ok, 10:15 am, time to go have a cig, drink a brew and get ready for football.

Next week: two BIWMB’s to make up for last Friday.

Passing of the Patriot Act:  Shitty idea.

Spitting into the wind: Not smart.

Hitting on a relative at a family reunion:  Dumb, even if you’ve had a shitload to drink.

In the hall of dumbfuck choices, choosing Sarah “Hockey Mom” Palin as a VP candidate is easily a 10.  This stupid bitch has so much going wrong with her, she makes John Belushi look professional.  Dick “Shotgun” Cheney and all the scandal surrounding him is a fucking GOD SEND compared to Palin.

Since, technically, we are a sports site, lets take a look at Palin’s stats.

Sarah Palin
PG, Wasilla High School
Minutes Played:10
Field Goal Percentage: 60% (5 kids, one retard and one whore)
Assists: 1 (Bridge to Nowhere)
Turnovers: 1 (Bridge to Nowhere, the flip-flop version)
Blocks: At least 20 per game (cock blocks, religious blocks, abortion blocks, common sense blocks, etc)

 
I’m pro-life, even in cases of rape or incest, but
I’ll shoot the fuck out of a caribou.

Two years ago, this shithead was a mayor of a shit-town in Alaska that had a smaller population than my high school.  My class president governed over more people.  One year ago she was busy procreating a retard, and regardless of our advances in amniocentesis, she gave the big thumbs up to birthing a kid who will probably hate himself his whole life and will be the subject of ridicule by everyone.   Last Month it was made public that she is under investigation for abuse of power when she shitcanned her Public Safety Commissioner because he didn’t fire a state trooper who divorced her sister (that alone is a fucking soap opera).  One day ago she was proclaiming that sending troops to Iraq is a “task that is from God” Obviously she’s a winner in the choice department!

Religious zealots like her scare the fuck out of me.  In other nations, extremists with religious intent are called terrorists, here, they’re called Christians.  Now believe me, I’m not anti-god or anti-religion at all, I’m actually a man of faith (contrary to my language or, er, general conduct), but when you attempt to force it upon people, especially through the use of govermental power, thats disturbing (let alone unconstitutional, separation of church and state anyone?).  If this God-fearing cunt had it her way, we wouldn’t have any sex-ed in schools, creation would be taught nationwide, abortion would be illegal in all cases that dont involve a direct threat on the mothers life and the list goes on.  She’s a walking contradiction to everything the 1st Amendment represents.

I dont have time to touch on the “riots” at the RNC, as I’m typing this on my lunch break, but perhaps I’ll get to it next week if it’s still fresh in my mind.

Tomorrow: The rest of this weeks picks and the BIWMB

This season, Horsetoothed.com will attempt to do something we haven’t done before, and that’s provide predictions on the games, week by week against the betting line.  Should anyone actually put any money on teams based on the predictions given here, I predict complete monatary failure of said individual, as I probably blow at predicting games with points involved.  Today we’ll tackle just Thursday’s game, as I have some bullshit to take care of, but Friday (when this column will normally be run), we’ll have the rest of this weeks picks.

-Thursday, 04SEPT08, Washington at NY Giants (-4)

Key Injuries Washington

• Jason Taylor, DE (questionable)
• Antwaan Randle El, WR (probable)

Key Injuries Giants

• Osi Unmenyiora, DE (out)

The Giants host the Washington Manifest Denstiny’s with the Thursday kickoff game for this NFL season.  The way they kicked the shit out of Cleveland alone has me thinking that this four points Washington is spotted is not enough.  Look for the Big Blue Wrecking Crew to come out and make their most famous fan (Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) proud.

Horsetoothed’s pick: New York Giants

Tomorrow: How fucked the Republicans are with the dumb bitch they picked as McCain’s running mate and the “riots” at the Republican National Convention.

Before I get started, I suppose I should kick this off by saying that Kevin Craft fucking sucks.  The first quarter of this game isn’t even finished and he’s already thrown two picks that a Pop-Warner quarterback wouldn’t have tossed.  Norm Chow must be shitting a chicken right now, knowing that he’s going to have to deal with this fuck at least until October.  Anyway, on with the column.

The Morning After is a column I’ll be doing this season on the first major work day of the week, highlighting the games I watched this weekend, both NFL and NCAA.  Not to doddle around (because I have a fresh stack of Gianna porn downloaded), here are this weeks games (I will be interrupting intermittently to toss in side notes about the UCLA game):

-LSU (7) vs Appalachian State

Retards across the nation thought that this game had—

Hold the fuck up, allow me to doddle for a second.  Anyone notice that Gianna’s titties are getting floppier and floppier?  She’s going to have to do something about this as I’m finding some of her recent stuff slightly disturbing, the way those semi-filled sacks of flesh are flying around like a grandmother’s under-arm skin.

UCLA just blocked a punt on one of the worst examples of special teams
blocking I’ve seen.  Bill Gramatica thinks Tennessee are morons.

On with the chlorophyll….  As I was saying, retards across the nation thought this game had upset written all over it.  These are probably the same dumbfucks that thought the Bills had a chance in the Super Bowl after Thurman Thomas forgot his helmet.  Seriously, you couldn’t even get someone with Parkinson’s to convulse in a motion that would show them giving an upset the nod.  The only thing I found slightly puzzling about this game is why App State didn’t pull their QB after a quarter or two…

LSU won 8 zillion to -2, or something like that, I turned it off half way through the third because I was falling asleep.

-Bowling Green at Pittsburgh (25)

At least we wont be hearing about how shitty Pac-10 officials are this season (like we did all season a few years back after the Oregon/Oklahoma debacle).  No, this time the serious snafu came  from the faggots in the Big East and luckily for us, it didn’t cost the penalized team the game.  Robbing Kenny Lewis of his fumble recovery for a touchdown didn’t change the fact that Wannstedt still sucks.

 Kevin Craft just got ripped for a fourth time, this time it was a pick-6.  I can’t wait to hear Lou Holtz and his stroke-like speech impediment break down how shitty Craft is.

Bowling Green won in straight sets, dropping only two games.

 -USC (3) at Virginia

Side note, did anyone know the La Bamba kid was either Asian or a Pacific islander?  Not Richie Valens, but the guy who played him.  A voting commercial features him, Margaret Cho and Harold from Harold and Kumar, preaching to folks of their nationality to post a ballot this year.  Honestly, I’m sure the viewing populous of the UCLA/Tenn game is about 99% male.  I think they’d be better off featuring Miko Lee, Kianna Dior and Minka in a voting ad.

 
“Vote and I’ll fuck the shit out of you,” works a lot better
than getting told to participate in the election by a fat headded Marge Cho.

Right, USC and Virginia.  Apparently that preseason injury that Mark Sanchez suffered isn’t hampering him anymore.  Completing 74% of his passes and 3 TD strikes, he looked in good form.  With this in mind, I’m going to re-add the Jeff Gillooly hit on him to my Amazon.com wishlist.

USC came out of the gates hard and didn’t look back.  Leading 24 to 7 in the first half, USC continued their tradition of running up the score, concluding the game 52 to 7.  Normally I’d take any shot I can at USC, because, well, they’re fuckwads, but one cannot blame them for putting up four more touchdowns in the second half of this game.  The squad that Virginia put on the field reminded me of the NFL teams that Pete Carroll coached…

USC, to not get too far ahead of myself, is looking very vicious this year.   Anything could happen week to week, but at this point, it’s looking like this years matchup between them and Stanford will be around the 600-3 range, followed by the big, faggoty, horse mounted “Man of Troy” chopping down the Stanford Tree and feasting on the blood of his enemies.

-Alabama (24) at Clemson (9) and Illinois (20) at Missouri (6)

 I’m smashing both of these together because I was already at the bar, slamming down beers and remember only bits and pieces of these contests.  Quick touches on these…

• C.J. Spiller is stupid fast.  While returning a kick for a TD, he was grabbed and slowed, but his acceleration was just amazing.  His ability to change gears at a moments notice alone will make me want to take in more Clemson games this season.
• Juice Williams is stupid good.  If someone was to tell me he’d pass for 450 yards, 5  td’s and still lose, I’d tell them to-, well I’d tell them nothing actually, as Sam Keller destroyed LSU for 460 yards but the Sun Devils were robbed as the refs gave LSU a pity score, calling the incomplete pass to Early Doucet a touchdown.
• The polls are stupid.  Clemson ninth ranked?  Get the fuck out of here.  The Tigers made John Parker Wilson look like Peyton Manning, and Ingram and Coffee look like Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams.
• I might be stupid.  I still don’t buy Mizzou as a real team.  Illinois is fresh off a bowl butt-fuck from USC, let’s see if Mizzou can finally beat Oklahoma before we crown that ass.

And the UCLA game just gets interesting… On the exact same play that Craft tossed a pick-6 on, he now made the throw of the game, followed by a UCLA TD run to put them up.   Later on, Craft leads them on a last minute drive to to put them up.  Talk about night and day between the two halves…

Tomorrow: NFL picks for this week

horseToothed.com, your source for hot man on man action…

Anyone else watch the Democratic National Convention?

Bueller?  Bueller?  Bueller?

Yea,  me neither.  I’m flipping between the Stanford game, the Cawks game and the US Open.  Good job fuckheads, pick the one day when meaningful football returns and try to run head to head with it.  After months of the United States having to put up with the futile sport that is baseball, you have your political party circle-jerk on the kickoff of college football.  A huge, sincere thumbs up.  My ass may just vote for McCain now.

In a complete display of how pathetic most folks are, apparently there are some iPhones in circulation that have pictures of some fat-headed homely looking bitch on them that is causing quite a commotion.  iDouchebags across the globe are going nuts over this shit. Acclamations of “OMG CUTE” are being iShouted on blogs, boards and webpages by losers whose only photos of girls on their phones before this were from the one’s they’ve been stalking.  Honestly, if I got a phone with shit like this on it, I’d just be happy if I could delete them (I have like 17 photos on my shitty phone that came default that are undeletable).

 
Hopefully she’ll be iShitcanned soon before the infection spreads.

 In non-fugly related news, it’s been a long time coming, on to this weeks BIWMB (Blogger I Wouldn’t Mind Banging).

 This week I’m sorta cheating, as this blog is more of an advertisement ploy than an actual blog.  There is very little, if any, pertinent information in this blog, but then again most of my previous ones were all from Sweden, scribed in unintelligible gibberish, so it’s not like we’re missing out on anything.

This weeks BIWMB is Taylor Stevens (NSFW).  According to one of my favorite sites, Boobpedia (which is like Wikipedia, cept for porn stars, NSFW!!!!), Taylor was born in Toronto, Canada and is of Middle Eastern decent.  Her blog is used to plug her webcam which she uses to make a living by sitting at home and jiggling her breasts (which if you ask me, is a totally respectable way of life).

 
Taylor used to be fucking enormous, but as I’ve
always said, God bless bitches that use science to create
things I want to put my dick in.

Last time, on 24, our hero got shit canned from his job and his financial status was in peril…

The following takes place between 09:44 and 10:44 on the morning of the college football season opener.

To play catchup, my company’s contract in St. Louis (actually Scott AFB) got bought out and I was jobless.  One week later, my bitch of a girlfriend breaks up with me.  So, without getting too emo and asking Stained to come out on stage and sing me one of their shitty songs, let’s just say I blew town.

Now residing in the DC area (Virginia side yo), I have the perfect job for sports blogging one could ask.  I have no office, my job is 100% travel and my hours are whenever I feel like working.  Yea, for the last few months I probably could have done daily entries, but fuck, I had no inspiration.  My best goes out to all my fellow writers out there, as I honestly had jack shit to talk about when both football and basketball’s (he said “balls”) season are done and there is nothing on TV aside from fuckass baseball (well there’s F1 and Tennis but nobody actually gives a shit about them aside from me).

Anyway, enough is enough and we’re I’m back (as Amaysing has been AWOL for, fuck ever, haven’t even talked to him in like three weeks, dude must be wicked busy or something).

Yesterday I was checking out Yahoo.com for the upcoming college football games (cause ESPN.com is way too sluggish and Yahoo.com has some type of hatred for Reggie Bush that I find hilarious anyway), when I came across an article about Robert Downey Jr. finding Batman too complicated.  And I quote:

“I get it.  This is so high brow and [expletive] smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie”

Robert, it’s Bat fucking Man.  Retards and 10 year olds can follow this but you’re carrying on like you’re watching 12 Monkeys or some shit.  Jesus, I know you did a lot of blow but so did Belushi and he had no problems with Animal House and The Blues Brothers (both of which are on the same level, intellectually, as Batman).

-Rubix cubes?  Complicated.

-Bush getting re-elected?  Baffling.

-Those cryptic patterns of symbols the Zodiac Killer kept sending to the police?  Mind boggling.

-Batman? You’re a dumbshit.

The only thing I found confusing about The Dark Knight was why everyone deems it necessary to give Heath Ledger sloppy blowjobs just because he’s dead.  Honestly, fuck him.  Just like Sean Taylor, there will be no posthumus handjobs here.  RIP?  Sure.  Oscar worthy? Fuck off.

For those of you who have not seen this dumbass comic book movie but are hellbent on wasting 3 hours of your life on it, first watch a bunch of Lewis Black.  Heath constantly rips off Lewis’ body language the whole film, to the point of outright plagiarism.

Enough with Robert the Retard and Heath the Corpse, college football kicks off today.  Finally we will have something else to see on SportsCenter aside from MLB and Brett Favre sightings.  Games to watch?  Aside from Random ShitSchool vs Other Random ShitSchool, we have Stanford vs Oregon State and NC State vs the South Carolina Cawks.  I dont know about you folks but I’m definitely ditching work early to get obliterated before these games.

Tomorrow: More curse words with sports topics tossed in intermittently and also the BIWMB (been a long time coming).