p.s. I’m also bringing this shit back, in case you’re one of the people who found it funny: ~~ http://destroyhotaction.com/

Ho, ho, ho!

Hot Action will never die. But I’ve come to the conclusion that the Internet is like a house party full of douchebags and all I really want to do is get you alone.

I can’t flirt properly while we’re being scoped out by a bunch of dudes who do not wish us well. Anyway, that’s how the scene feels right now.

So I’m going to take you somewhere else. To a different party. I know a place that’s a little more exclusive.

I was out to the club last night with a couple of good-looking ladies and a couple friends. As per usual whenever hot people go to a dance club there was lots of USA going on (Unwanted Sexual Attention). And there are those people who seem to use drugs and alcohol as tools to help them achieve their maximum potential for being super annoying. Have you ever noticed, one of the weird things a dude will do in a bar is hit on a girl by saying “I’m not trying to hit on you”? Anyway I am not even a sexygirl and still I found myself on the receiving end of some too-talky dudes who were oblivious to the most basic concepts of social skill.

“‘DJ Eviction,’ what kind of a name is that, I mean, ‘eviction,’ that’s not very inviting, it’s like you’re evicting people from the dance floor when you should be trying to invite people like inviting them to come and dance, yeah like ‘DJ Housewarming,’ haha right that’s funny, but eviction that just makes me think of the end of the month like when it’s the end of the month and I’m running out of money and I have to go out on the street and give blowjobs for five bucks to make money yeah those were dark times anyway just ignore everything I say, I try not to talk about those times too much back when I was out on the street giving blowjobs for five bucks, just ignore me I talk too much.”

Meanwhile I’m starting to back away from this dude and I’m looking around for all my friends while trying to think the words “help me” out loud.

So I got together with my crew and we came up with a secret signal. We’ve had some amazing results with it so I wanted to share it with all of you. It’s the “Rescue Needed” signal and it’s for use anytime you are desperate to get away from someone. The signal consists of placing two fingers of your left hand against your temple while opening your eyes wide and making eye contact with one your friends, like this:

You might read the Internet and think “Well if someone is being a total boor, way don’t you just walk away from them” and of course I agree but in reality there are a lot of people, I think women especially, who find it difficult and stressful to have to be rude to someone like that. Sometimes you don’t want to be cruel to someone, you just want to escape from them; and anyway I find that everybody appreciates it when a third party swoops in and offers a quick escape from a socially awkward or uncomfortable situation.

We wound up putting this signal into practice at least four times last night and it always brings about a little celebration. There’s a certain euphoria that seems to accompany any successful getaway. Victory over sketchy dudes in bars!

You have to make an agreement with all of your friends that you will step in immediately whenever you spot one of them giving the two-finger signal. There’s no real trick to whisking someone away; all it takes is a bit of energy. My advice is just run up to your friend exactly the way you would if her car were on fire. Do not even acknowledge the sketchy guy who’s saying all the weird shit to her. Grab her by the arm while talking a bunch of urgent nonsense. “Ohmygod I need you to comewithmeRIGHTAWAY this is insane youhavetocomewithme NOW” while pulling her off until you get far enough away from the obstacle that she can give you a big hug and say, “Thank you SO. MUCH.”

I used to have to rely on body language in deciding when to pull off a daring rescue. But body language is ambiguous sometimes and the last thing I would ever want to do is pull a lady away from a conversation she is actually enjoying because that would make me nothing better than a low-down dirty cockblocker. Whereas now, the signal makes everything certain.

Two fingers to the temple was not chosen as an arbitrary gesture, by the way. As soon as I’m done building a porn laser I’m going to perfect a Bore Destroyer that sits in the frontal lobe of your brain and shoots a beam of light out of your eyes to vaporize all the annoying people at a party. So watch out for that.

“But what if all the douchebags read your site and learn to recognise the secret signal?” a lady wanted to know.

“Douchebags don’t read Hot Action,” I said. “Or maybe they do. But they don’t understand it.”

soundtrack:
Toxic Avenger – Escape! (Bloody Beetroots remix)

The server crashed at my webhost and Hot Action was out of commission for a while. While the site was down I realized how much I missed it.

So finally when everything came back online I fancied things up a bit, upgraded the WordPress and tweaked the template. In spite of all the warnings I didn’t bother to back up the website first. I was tempting fate. Maybe I was hoping all of the archives would disappear and I would have to start over. I would not be heartbroken about this.

If all my archives were deleted tonight I would start over tomorrow from scratch. I suppose the worst that could happen is that I would have to track down all the women I banged in 2002 and 2003, and bang them all over again.

Maybe it is time for a Hot Action reunion. Sometimes I wonder what all those ladies are up to now.

A bunch of you remain lovers and close friends to this day. Some of you moved far away, or got married, had children, fell off the radar. And a few of you I will never ever see again. Sic transit gloria mundi.

The arrow of time only points in one direction.

Troubleshooting a website over dialup is a real pain in the ass, and lousy internet access out here in the woods has been the number one cause of my reduced web presence. Fortunately I have some new technology in the works that’s going to overcome all these limitations.

I’m building a long-distance porn laser that’s going to beam all the sex directly to you, directly to your mind. I will penetrate your head and enter your consciousness by way of the pineal gland deep inside your brain. And from then on, all I will have to do to make women come is kiss them right between the eyes.

You will be able to spot Hot Action readers in public, on the bus, surreptitiously rubbing the middle of their cute little foreheads.

That’s how we say hello.

Go ahead, try it right now. Rub the middle of your forehead with the tips of two of your fingers. Can you feel it? That warm tingle?

~ soundtrack: caspa – born to do it
myspace.com/caspadubstep

I want you to take a walk–if you haven’t already–and visit our secret place at the end of the street.

How different, how innocent does it look in the daytime, when the curtain of darkness has been lifted? Look at the tall bushes on either side, the buildings and the houses, the cars and pedestrians that pass by, scandalously close.

At night everything changes. It is rare and special to find such a spot in this city–someplace public, yet secluded–where secret encounters can take place while the neighbourhood sleeps.

This little cul-de-sac belongs to you now. Revisit this place anytime you wish to revisit a secret. Come here and be recharged. Come here and relive the feeling of being sprawled across the seat.

Hear my words in your ear and feel my hand coming down hard on your ass.

Stick a pin in this place in the map of your mind. It has been marked by magic in the night.

Wire – Map Ref. 41°N 93°W. [5MB mp3]

“The view is so beautiful,” she said. “You have the best washing-dishes view. This is the washing-dishes view that everyone wants to have.”

“I have the best washing-dishes view of all,” I said. “I’m watching you washing my dishes.”

Bebop Deluxe – Maid In Heaven [3.3MB mp3]

i just mowed the lawn.

look what sprouted up: a tryst

i could not resist

soundtrack: XTC – Grass [3MB mp3]

Tonight, however, I’m taking time out to embark on a social experiment of sorts. My mischievous friends have conspired to set me up on a date with Lavalife’s Indie Girl.

Will this be a meeting of the minds, or a clash of the archetypes?

I’m not just being completely flippant about this. I respect Sarah’s goals, even if I don’t share them. She needs to be at the top of her game if she’s going to bag her Atlantic dream man, and I think I can help her.

I might be too busy to write this weekend but check out Sarah’s site tomorrow and find out how it all went down. See you at Evolve.