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When Does No Contact Start Working?

Sun, 11 Oct 2020 07:06:15 GMT

When does no contact start working? Everything you need to know about quitting your ex cold turkey…and making them run right back to you

Being broken up with by your girlfriend or boyfriend, especially when you least expect it, can feel like your life is falling apart. At best you may feel as though it’s a small tragedy that you’ll get over. At worst you may feel like your heart is breaking and you will never feel better again. The truth is, while breakups hurt, you don’t have to accept the hurt without doing anything. The no contact rule lets you take back the power over the person who broke up with you, make them miss you, and eventually force them to get back in touch. So does no contact work? And how long will it take until your ex misses you so much that they reach out? Let’s find out!

What is no contact? The 30 day rule after breakup

The no contact rule is very simple, you are essentially creating a void between you and your ex. This means you stop texting, you stop calling each other, of course you stop seeing each other in real life. It also means no emails, no interacting with their social media posts, no sending them funny pictures that you find or commenting on their friend’s picture in which they appear. At the very least, the no contact rule requires that you keep radio silence for 30 days after the breakup. Depending on your situation, that void might have to extent for a few more weeks or months.

The goal of no contact is to give you the power of silence after break up. Your ex made the decision to break up with you. They were the one with the power to choose, and to make a decision that would affect both of your lives. No contact is a way of making them go through what they did to you. It is saying “if breaking up is really what you want, then I’m going to break up with you, too”, and you do this by stopping any interaction with them cold turkey.

This will quickly make them realize that the breakup is a little different from what they expected. They might have thought you would crawl, begging for them to take you back. They may have already pictured refusing you time and again, still flattered by your attempts to make them change their mind. They certainly weren’t expecting you to be seemingly okay with the breakup, and cease all contact with a 30 day no contact rule. This plays with their expectations, leading to emotions they were not expecting, and this is where the no contact rule really works.

When does no contact start working after a breakup?

Let’s be honest, there are some cases in which no contact won’t work. If your ex left you for someone that they are madly in love with, or if you treated them so badly that their friends and family are now against you too, no contact will likely not work.

But in the overwhelming majority of cases, you will be able to get a reaction from your ex. They will start missing you. They will start recalling all the positive aspects of your relationship and wondering whether they made a mistake. They might not reach out straight away but still, the seed which you planted is there.

The great thing about no contact is that it makes you a winner whether your ex reaches out or not. In the best case scenario, your ex starts to miss you so much they beg you to take them back. You now have the upper hand in the relationship, and are free to decide whether you actually want them back. In the worst case scenario, your ex maintains radio silence. Now, while this may sound bad, is it still not better than begging for them to take you back? Not only will keeping in contact with your ex after a breakup make it harder for you to get over them, it also makes you unattractive to them and those around. Asking someone who broke up with you to take you back is an act of desperation. It sends the message: I am willing to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I am willing to settle for something less than love. And this makes you lesser in their eyes.

In conclusion, no contact usually works. And even in cases where it doesn’t work, it lets you keep the upper hand and, more importantly, your dignity. Think about it, even if your ex doesn’t beg to have you back, they will still be impressed by the aura of mystery that you create by maintaining radio silence over the period of no contact.

What is your ex like?

So will no contact work in your particular case? One thing you have to ask yourself is what your ex is like. Is she an impulsive girl? Is he a patient guy? In general, no contact works best on people who tend to act on impulse, and on those with little patience. Because the truth is, during no contact with your ex, they will start to miss you no matter what. What they do with that feeling is dependent on their personality. If you were dating an incredibly stubborn person, it might take months before your ex gives in and reaches out. With another personality type, it might be a matter of days. So get in your ex’s head: what are they like? How long are they likely to be able to delay the gratification of getting back in touch with you?

Why is my ex not texting me?

The truth is, there is no real way to know what your ex is thinking. They might not be texting you because they want to prove to themselves that they can live without you. Or because they are afraid to admit to themselves they made the wrong choice in breaking up with you. Just remember: the fact that they are not texting doesn’t mean they don’t care. Chances are, they miss you already but are just not ready to make the next step which is getting back in touch.

Does my ex miss me?

After 30 days of no contact, you may be asking yourself: “does he miss me during no contact?” Is this actually working? While you can never know for sure that your ex is missing you, there are a few signs that don’t lie. If your ex is asking about you to mutual friends, this is a first sign. If you run into them “by accident”, it may be another. Generally though, try not to obsess about whether your ex is thinking of you. That kind of thought pattern actually makes you feel weaker, and might make you more likely to break your own, self-imposed no contact rule.

What if my ex got into a new relationship?

If your ex got into a rebound relationship after your breakup, you may be thinking you’ve lost all your chances of making no contact work. Not so. A rebound relationship is, by definition, not as solid or genuine as the relationship that you and your ex shared. Chances are, they only entered that relationship to make you jealous. Now it’s your turn to play. Show that you are jealous and you will come across as a real loser. Show you don’t care by maintaining your no contact rule, and you come up on top. Eventually, your ex will get tired of the other person they started seeing. Attracted by the mystery that you’ve created around yourself by going radio silence, they will (probably) try to get in contact with you again.

Should I call my ex?

After a few weeks or months of going no contact with ex, you may feel like you’ve lost. They’ve had time to make a move and they haven’t. So should you risk it all and call them first? Well, let’s take a second and analyze the situation. If your ex is notoriously stubborn and you have only been doing no contact for a month or two, wait it out. They will probably come around. Now, if you have an impulsive ex who is not getting back in touch after 3 months or more, it’s time to act. At that point, you have nothing to lose so you might as well text them or call to ask how they are doing. Keep it casual, present yourself in a positive light, and never, NEVER beg for them to take you back. What you are trying to achieve with that phone call is to make them miss you even more, so that they’ll eventually be the one asking to see you again.

So when will no contact start working? Give it time, it’s different for everyone. The one thing that you need to remember is that refusing to contact your ex for a period of time is the best thing you can do, whether or not they reach out to you. So be patient, be strong, and be proud of yourself for acting with dignity. After all, partners come and go, but your relationship with yourself is what has to be maintained over a lifetime. You’ve got this!

Do you need help with your ex? Contact us for one-on-one coaching or check out this online course The No Contact Contract.

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The No Contact Rule After A Breakup: Everything Explained

Wed, 09 Sep 2020 11:56:36 GMT

The no contact rule is something you can follow after a breakup to get your ex back OR move on with your life. When you do not call, text, or see your ex after breaking up, you are following the rules of no contact.

Popular opinion is clear: After a breakup, use the no contact rule. That way, you prepare yourself well for either:

Giving yourself a strong position to get back together, or
Moving on with your life

Today I’m going to speak about #1. And after ten years of helping heartbroken men and women regain control of their breakup? I tell my clients to use this rule-of-thumb —with caveats— 80% of the time.

The devil then, is in the details…

Blindly following *any* rule can ruin your future chance of reconciliation.

Luckily for you, reading this article ensures you’ll be ready to make better decisions when your situation calls for it.

Let’s begin!

The no contact rule is the practice of abstaining from all communication with your ex boyfriend/girlfriend. Usually for a predetermined period (e.g., 30 days.)

No communication means no interaction with your ex:

No talking;
No texting;
No instant messaging;
No calling or phoning;
No visiting your ex in person;
No reaching out on social media;

Yes, all forms of communication are off the table. Simple texts, posting on social media, Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. And so on. Even “liking” status updates.

Further, I recommend not commenting about the breakup online. Instead, post about other things you are doing. Not what you think or feel about the breakup itself. Better still, share happy, upbeat updates rather than grief or problems on your mind.

By avoiding contact, as far as your ex is concerned, you will have “disappeared” for a while, off the radar.

It is hard to ignore the one you love. You will desperately yearn to reach out and talk. Until recently, this was your significant other, your boyfriend or girlfriend. It won’t be easy. As such, you should remember why you are doing it.

So…

Why Follow It?

Here are three reasons to get you started:

The no contact rule gives you time to gather your thoughts, process your emotions, see where things went wrong, and rebuild yourself;
Taking a break gives your ex what they want: Space from you. They broke up with you because they want out of the relationship. If you do not give your ex what they want, you will make matters worse for you. Pursue them, and they will push you away even harder. You also risk saying or doing something you will later regret;
If you give your ex what they want (see my 2nd point above, i.e., space from you), they will have the opportunity to MISS YOU. This outcome can only happen once your loved one has fully experienced the consequences of their decision. Which you achieve by following this rule. Related: How long does it take for an ex to miss you with no contact?

There are other reasons, but the above are the main ones. Pay particular attention to #1 above all others (time to heal.)

Is It Right for Me?

The no contact rule is not always possible to follow. The first step is to find out if your situation will work with this rule.

The following situations are not compatible with the NC approach:

You have kids together
You work with your ex
You study or go to school with your ex
You live together
You have an ongoing commitment with your ex that must be maintained

If any of the above describe your situation, you must not completely avoid your ex. Instead of blanking them, reduce the frequency of conversation. And when you do communicate, remain diplomatic and practical.

Some people call this limited no contact.

OK. If the silent approach is applicable for you, your next decision is to work out how long it should run for.

How Long Should It Last? Is It a 30-Day Rule?

Well, a few days of no contact would be too short for most situations. Whereas a few months would be too long (with exceptions.)

But, a few weeks? That’s more like it.

As a general rule:

4 weeks is the standard recommended no contact duration. A month gives plenty of time for both to regroup. And most experts recommend the 30 day no contact rule as a general preference.
At least 21 days / 3-weeks is best for most people and is the safe minimum for longer-term relationships.
About 2 weeks is OK for less dramatic breakups and when the relationship is under one year old.
10 days is enough for shorter relationships, up to one year.
If your relationship is fresh (under three months,) then 7 days of radio-silence can work.

The thing is, I’ve seen many give a specific duration of time to follow: exactly 30 days of no contact!

I guess if I had to give a one-size-fits-all answer, I’d say the same.

The bottom line is anything between one week and a month is enough for most breakups.

No Contact Timeline.

Note: I made a no contact calculator to figure out the duration. It’s called the SUMO tool (Shut Up, Make Opportunity.) Answer three questions, follow the steps, and it’ll tell you how long to stay silent with your partner.

Without using my tool to calculate how long to follow the no contact plan for, I can say this:

It would help if you did this long enough to give the both of you ample space. A few days is not enough! And one week is too short as well, except for specific cases (remember, breakups are unpleasant, so you must wait for the dust to settle).

Think about it. One week means one Monday, one Friday, and one weekend.

Not enough for most cases.

One month, however? That’s more like it.

So while I won’t give a definitive timeframe backed up with statistics, the hope is you can see how a few days is too short while a few months is too long!

(When couples reunite years later, they are not getting back together because a marathon of silence worked. That’s a different thing altogether!)

Consider this: After the breakup, your ex will be thinking more about the bad times you had. But, with enough breathing room, they will also remember the good times.

What’s the Success Rate?

In ~80% of cases, those who got their ex back followed the no contact rule.

This is why most of the success stories you read mention the pivotal role NC played in helping their lover to reconsider the decision to separate.

In ~20% of cases, not following the no contact method was more effective. These cases use a less strict version of the rule, more so than “not at all.”

So, does no contact work every time? No. Yet the benefits go beyond whether or not you get back together. As such, it does work in at least one way for everyone. And as I hint above, you can tweak the rules to improve the chances of winning your ex back.

One way or another, treat this as a prerequisite step for what follows the breakup, whether you want to reconnect with your ex or not.

Click Here a Second… 👀

Can I Still Speak to My Ex’s Friends and Family?

After a breakup, it is a good idea to lay low around your ex’s friends and family.

This way, your former partner will not hear from you directly or indirectly, through the proxy of someone else, including friends and family.

Psst:

Radio-silence is as much for YOUR benefit as it is for helping your ex to miss you (we’ll get to that.) Therefore staying in touch with their friends and family is generally not done.

The fewer signals your ex picks up on you, the better.

Can I Spy on My Ex?

While you could keep tabs on your ex without them knowing, don’t do it.

Don’t be a stalker!

Any action which can be described as spying or stalking is to be avoided for best results.

I even recommend you avoid checking their Facebook profile, etc. regardless of whether they’ll find out about it.

If you knew for sure they’d never know or find out, it would still not be a good idea. Why? Because it spoils the benefits you stand to gain when you pursue such activities.

Once you understand how leaving your ex alone is more for your benefit, you will appreciate the value of tending to your own life. Spying will lose its appeal.

What to Do During No Contact?

Use every moment to close the gap between where you stand and your potential. Even though you may not feel like doing anything, you should make the most of the additional time you gain from exiting a relationship.

Most people screw this part up.

How?

By not working on themselves.

This is a huge mistake!

If you leave dirty dishes in the sink, they’re still dirty 30 days later.

People mess up by doing NOTHING.

They sit, moping, putting their lives on pause.

You may feel depressed after a breakup and want to stay home. If true, I urge you to consider getting help.

But whatever the case, your life isn’t getting better by waiting. This is not a “no action” time.

Being passive is a big mistake. Please do not wait around watching the clock. Be active. Don’t be obsessed with your ex. Be obsessed with improving your health, your appearance, and your mindset.

You want to get to the place where you are thriving in at least one area of your life. Single or not. After all, you owe yourself to live your life.

Listen:

The top reason to go no contact with an ex is the time and space it gives you to reflect on what happened. And why? So you can work on becoming a better and stronger version of who you are.

The goal is to put the drama of the breakup behind you, so you can:

Find relief and rebuild your confidence;
Use the time to get a plan together;
Deal with your heartbreak and any anger you have in your own time…
Rally your friends and family to support you and keep you on the straight and narrow (it’s normal to act out of character when you feel desperate…)

It’s like taking a personal or mental health day from work. Yes, it would help if you got away from things for a bit. But you wouldn’t be allowed to take weeks off just doing nothing.

So I urge you to use this time to get active and look back over your relationships, behaviour, and habits so you may identify what you could do better next time.

Then do it. Force yourself if you have to…

This kind of questioning is not easy. It is hard to sit on your butt and think deeply like this. Yet as with all worthwhile things, the hard work pays off.

What could you change or improve that would be better for you regardless of the outcome after no contact?

What would be better for your ex AND positive for you, too?

Do precisely those things during this retreat. Actions speak louder than words…

Use every moment to close the gap between where you stand and your potential. Think growth. It is possible to come out of this a winner, regardless of what happens with your relationship.

Try new experiences, develop healthy habits, exercise, and kick at least one bad one to the curb.

Use the NC days and weeks to become a better you. That’s the most important thing you can do with this time. If you don’t, you miss out.

Do not sit around and do nothing!

Make a special effort during this critical phase of your life, and you will be rewarded one way or another.

You can’t lose when you take that approach.

Do all of this for your benefit, and you’ll get coincidental benefits, too…

Some of these just happen to help your ex find new reasons to consider giving you both —the couple— another chance.

Or to reignite what they liked, loved, and was attracted to in the first place.

That way, when you meet up later, you won’t be the same (or worse) person they broke up with.

No Contact Rule FAQ ↓

At first, it looks like a simple rule: Stay away from your ex!

And yet today more than ever, it is anything but simple keeping away from a significant other.

So let’s look at a bunch of frequently asked questions in no particular order:

Should You Tell Your Ex You Are Doing No Contact?

No. Don’t tell your ex you’re “going NC.” Just do it. It’s not a trick you’re performing. You’re just retreating from the relationship to tend to yourself.

My ten years of experience has shown me it’s more effective to just do it than talk about it.

When you signal what you are doing, you remove power from your actions.

What if You Bump Into Your Ex During No Contact?

If you accidentally bump into your ex during the no-contact phase, the next best thing is to be polite. For example, if you can’t avoid each other because you work or live together, be polite and to the point. Be professional and put aside the feelings and history you share with this person, just for now.

One of my clients started the no contact rule 2 weeks ago and told me about his encounter:

Crazy thing happened! I met my ex in public by accident. A true chance-meeting kind of thing (argh!) and I nearly went to pieces. But then I remembered your advice to just be diplomatic and polite…

I said hello with a smile. Nice and simple. And she definitely looked a bit uncomfortable… yet she stopped and returned the gesture. We then spoke for less than a minute, completely amicable and fine.

I think she was surprised I didn’t try to make anything of it, and I feel sure she will be more open to having a chat with me in the future as a result. All in all, what could have been terrible ended up a success! I said goodbye and then continued on with my day!

If you come face-to-face with each other you don’t have to perform miracles or say something amazing. This needn’t be complicated! Just keep the conversation simple, and move on with your day.

How Long Before No Contact Starts Working?

It’s difficult to pinpoint a time frame for how long it takes to get results. It depends on your ex and also on the reason for the breakup. In most cases, we can estimate 3-4 weeks to be plenty enough time for your ex to miss you.

But, also remember that taking a break from your ex is also a great way of regaining your power in a breakup. It will make you feel better and more confident about yourself, which will cause your ex to notice changes in you and approach you again. You should give yourself 3+ weeks to begin feeling the effects, providing you use the time productively. That way, you will not have gone through all this trouble for nothing.

Can You Do No Contact When You Have Kids Together?

No question about it: put your parental duties first.

If your partner has left you, the care of your children is more important than following a rule perfectly.

Adapt accordingly…

Be diplomatic and practical when discussing the kids. Their health and their physical and emotional wellbeing are far more important than sticking to a rule.

But outside of that, you can remain distant…

This means taking care of your shared-duties (as parents) for your children’s sake. And minimalising conversations outside of that.

Is No Contact a Gimmick or Trick?

No! The concept of staying silent is not a “trick” or “tactic.” It is a key step in the journey and is more about giving both the space to reflect and process emotions.

The confusion comes from some experts framing it as a magic bullet or something. Did you notice that? Relatedly…

Is the No Contact Rule a Scam?

Only when sold as a lie, e.g., “ignoring your sweetheart guarantees you’ll reunite.”

Some information sounds too good to be true. And generally is.

After a breakup, be cautious about claims. Especially those who pander to the hope it will be as easy as “playing hard to get.”

Remember: The primary goal is to strengthen your position in preparation for moving to the next step.

Should I Go No Contact in a Long Distance Relationship?

When you are in a long-distance relationship (LDR), the no contact strategy works and applies just the same.

Withdraw from the online places you usually meet in (because it helps prevent temptation taking over.)

The upside to a long-distance relationship is you will not “accidentally” bump into each other…

Though long-distance or not, the objective remains the same: Direct your attention toward yourself, not your old relationship.

Is It Ok to Date During No Contact?

Dating during the no-contact phase can complicate things for you. In general, I do not recommend it.

If your ex has second thoughts about the breakup, and then finds out you started dating, your new “love story” may derail your chance of working things out.

Experience also shows how dating too soon distracts you from taking on the recovery work. While it feels good to be dating (though not guaranteed,) it can be a distraction in the early stages and delay your healing journey.

Last, in almost every case, the typical time frame recommended for radio silence, is too short to make dating a good idea.

In most cases, you should wait longer before dating (when you can do so from a more positive and happier place). Besides, you risk entering a rebound relationship if you act hasty, which is not a solution and will only hurt you in the long run.

What if I Break the Silence?

Accept that you did, then hit the reset button.

If you give in and contact your ex, realise you’re human and that contacting exes before we’re ready is common.

The solution? Long story short, if you broke the rules early, hit reset and start again. And implement a shorter version if you made it more than halfway through.

Again. It’s hard to go cold turkey and ignore your urges, so don’t be hard on yourself thinking you failed. Of course you wanted to speak to the one you love! And, it doesn’t mean you ruined your chances by doing so.

Take heart:

You just need more support to stay on top.

Remember to utilize your friend network and family, too. Work together to form a strategy to help keep you on track. Call one of your friends each day and have them remind you of what you are doing. Reach out! A good friend gives you the energy to stay the course.

Besides, the second time around will be easier.

Don’t be angry if you break the no contact rule. There are worse mistakes you could make in life…

Tip: Low willpower? Avoid alcohol during this time of radio-silence (or moderating your intake accordingly.) I often hear from men and women who broke their silence because they got tipsy.

Keep yourself busy and your mind on productive and wholesome tasks!

How Do I Know No Contact Is Working?

There are a few things to consider when looking for clues that no contact is working for you.

In terms of helping you get your ex back, the most obvious sign is they try to get in touch with you.

It does not get better than that.

And if you find your ex to be more responsive or less angry after a break, you have firsthand evidence of why it is so effective.

Another clue: If life gets easier to cope with day-to-day, and anxiety levels have dropped since the breakup, you know that it is working.

After 2 or 3 Weeks of No Contact Should I Give Up?

After 2 or 3 weeks you might wonder if you should give up and move on. After all, if you have not heard anything by now, surely that tells you all you need to know. And perhaps your friends have told you to stop waiting and give up hope?

Not so fast!

While it may feel hopeless, let my decade of training assure you: Not hearing from your ex for a few weeks is not a sign to quit. You literally don’t know what they want, or what your future will bring. And after two or three weeks that does not change. And so, it is too soon to take score.

Remember your job is to find out, after completing no contact, what chance you have with your ex. You are not mind reader!

Your ex may stay silent for a number of reasons. By reaching out at the appropriate time, you will find out how hot or cold your ex is by their response. This beats doing nothing and guessing.

And finally:

Breaking the Rules? Final Words (A Warning)

If your ex believes you are staying quiet because of some “trick” you read about, they may double-down on their negative opinion of you. Because no one wants to be manipulated.

Even if it’s not true, and you are not doing this as a game? Should your ex PERCEIVE it that way, it is the same result.

If they’re the slightest bit suspicious, the potential damage remains.

And so, what you gain in one area you could lose in another. And that’s a real problem.

Many guys and girls focus on tricks and games because they want to control the situation. If you apply the tips from my articles wrongly, you risk making your former lover believe you are following some prescribed method. They may think you want to manipulate them back into your arms.

You do not want that! It will damage your position.

You will only motivate your ex to stay your ex IF they sense they are being “played.” While the no contact strategy is not a trick or gimmick, it can be perceived as one.

Does that make sense?

My business is 100% about giving you the best chance. If they get wind of any funny business, I’ve failed you.

So for best results, pay close attention:

While most people recommend you do not RETURN text messages or phone calls during this time (because that’s breaking the rule!) I am one of the few who understands how this behavior can ruin your chances.

You do not want to be perceived as “petty” do you?

This is the risk when you ignore your ex.

It is not a nice feeling to be ignored or blanked. It is hurtful. The psychology of which is akin to physical pain. If your partner felt the reason they were cut off is because you decided to follow a rule you found online? Yeah… not good.

My suggestion?

Use this period as more of a “no initiating contacts” phase. Which means IF your ex contacts you, use your brain to decide whether to reply, and when. Besides, you are going to feel better during this time if you look at it this way.

That reminds me: I talk more about specifics of this in my Ex-Communication Daily newsletter (not to be missed — if interested, see below)

For now…

Please understand that while the no contact rule is useful, you still need to use your head and consider its implications.

Stay strong. Ignoring the one you love is not easy and takes real power and planning to do. But, I promise you will feel better for doing it.

No Contact Rule: How Long Should You Do It For?

Mon, 22 Jul 2019 00:01:34 GMT

Let’s cut to the chase: you’re here because you want to know how long after a breakup you should wait before contacting your ex. This is known as the No Contact Rule.

Maybe you really want him back and want to set yourself up for the best chance possible to get him back.

Maybe your broke up with him and are looking for a way of getting over the relationship and moving on.

Or maybe the truth is somewhere between wanting to rekindle an old flame and wanting to spark a new one.

more: The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know

Whatever the reason is, you’re here because you want to know how to execute the no contact rule, how long to do it for, and how to do it well.

And that’s why I’m here — to give you the details on exactly what the no contact rule is, and exactly how long no contact should last so that you’ll have the best possible chance of getting the outcome you want.

Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?

Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Can You Get Your Ex Back” Quiz right now and find out if you can get your ex back or if he’s gone for good…

What Is The No Contact Rule?

Before we dive into specifics, let’s clarify what we’re talking about. The no contact rule is a set of guidelines to follow after you break up with someone.

In essence, it’s designed to give you the time and space needed to heal your heartbreak, get perspective on the relationship, and (if you want and are ready) give you the best chance of getting your ex back.

more: How To Get Your Ex Back In 5 Steps Guaranteed

So let’s take a look at what the no contact rule exactly means:

No contact means that under no circumstances are you to talk to him or attempt contacting him.

Which we can define as:

No emailing him
No calling him
No “bumping into him on accident”
No meeting up with him to “catch up”
No talking to him
No texting him
No letters
No responding to or initiating of texts/calls/emails

All in all, the no contact rule is exactly what it sounds like: having absolutely zero contact with your ex after a breakup.

My article on the no contact rule goes really in depth on the nitty-gritty details – if you have questions about what to do in specific situations, that’s the first place you should go.

But if you’re only here to answer the question of how long before he misses me with no contact?
Well, it goes much further beyond that. The no contact rule is also about trying to do your best to not think about him and take space for yourself.

more: How To Make Your Ex Miss You After A Breakup

That is not to say that each situation is the same — what if you work with him, have a child together, or circumstantially just can’t avoid him? If there are reasons out of your control that mean you have to be in contact with him, there are still ways of following the no contact rule.

In those situations, the best thing to do is limit any communication you have with him to a bare minimum.

Keep your exchanges about exactly what you need to coordinate with him and nothing more. I repeat: nothing more. Do not talk about your personal lives, plans for the weekend, or even the weather. If you stick to being strictly professional and deal with whatever circumstances keeps you in the same environment, you will be fine.

more: What To Do About The No Contact Rule

Now that we’ve gotten the logistics out of the way, we still have the big question to answer:

How Long Should You Wait After a Break Up To Do the No Contact Rule For?

Or more specifically, how long does it take for an ex to miss you with no contact?
Some people disagree on the exact timeframe of how long to do no contact for. So let’s ask some different questions: how long does it take a man to miss you? Or how long does it take a guy to realize he misses you? And even deeper: how long after a breakup is it really over?

When I think about the answers to all of these questions, it’s generally from 3 to 8 weeks. Personally, when I’m giving advice to friends, I like to give a minimum of 4 weeks as the best possible length for the no contact rule to work. Giving yourself a solid month of no contact gives you the space you naturally need to decompress and gain perspective on the relationship. And with that, it gives you the time to start healing a little bit.

So, how long should you wait before contacting your ex? Anything shorter than 4 weeks is generally too short to really see any benefits of the no contact rule. It should be noted that if you want him back and start going longer than 4 weeks, you run the risk of him also moving on and finding someone new. But that being said, you also run the risk of you moving on and meeting someone new too.

more: How Do I Reconnect With Him After Cutting Off Contact

But how long does it take for no contact to work if you were in a really serious, long-term relationship (think more than 2 years)? In those cases, a longer contact rule is probably better for your mental health and wellbeing than a shorter one. How long no contact takes to work after the breakup depends on the amount of time you two were together. And if you were together for a really long time, consider going longer than 4 weeks.

Think about the following: how long does it take for someone to miss you, that someone being a friend, relative or casual fling? There has to be enough time so that the other person can live their life without you. When they have a taste of what their life is without you, then they can compare and contrast what it was like when you two were together.

And you might be wondering: does the no contact rule work in long distance relationships? Absolutely. In fact, it might be even more effective in relationships that lead more to the imagination. The whole point is to drive him to curiosity about what you are doing, and make him miss you.

But all that being said, you should be doing more than just not talking to him during those 4 weeks.

more: Exactly How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

To sum up: how long is the no contact rule and what is it for? 4 weeks is a good starting point to go without contact. It’s important to remember that those 4 weeks are primarily for you to heal and start feeling better. Throwing yourself into hobbies, exercise, self-care, hanging out with friends, and doing things that you like doing should be your number one priority.

Sometimes in relationships, the activities you used to do and enjoy doing fallen by the wayside. This is normal, and do not beat yourself up about it. Now is the perfect opportunity to pick up on whatever it is you have fallen behind on. Focusing on self-care and pleasure is a great way to get yourself feeling better and establish a much healthier mindset after a breakup.

Along those lines, working on yourself i.e. channeling your sadness and pain into self-improvement is a path anyone would advise to follow.

more: When No Contact Works And When It Doesn’t

Going to the gym, taking up running, or really doing anything that gets you active, out of the house, and feeling good are the best ways to fill your time during the no contact period.

Not to say that this is only a journey for healing. Not only will physical exercise make you feel physically better, but it will also make you look better and feel mentally better about yourself. What is the success rate of the no contact rule? You get as much as you put in: if you’re productive, looking good and feeling good, you’ll have a much better chance of moving on from him more quickly, or getting him back if that’s what you are looking for.

more: No Contact And The Blow Off

Remember: during no contact you shouldn’t be sending him any messages, or keeping any kind of contact with him in any way. If he messages or calls you, you should not respond. Obviously if it’s an emergency you can break the no contact rule, but only to deal with the emergency specifically. Once it’s dealt with, contact should be put off immediately.

So, to sum up: how long does it take for a guy to miss you?

If you follow these rules (and again, if you have any questions, check out my in-depth article on the topic), you will give yourself the best chance to feel better, move on, and heal from heartbreak. And in doing so, you give yourself the best chance of getting him back eventually — if you decide that’s something you want.

more: Why The No Contact Rule Is Important

5 signs the no contact rule is working?

Given that you should not be contacting him or keeping tabs on him, it’s hard to point to specific signs that it’s working on his end. But I will break down the general psychology of how it works in 5 stages.

1. Relief

Your ex will feel initial relief from the breakup in the first few days of no contact for usually about 1-2 weeks.

2. Curiosity

Then they start to wonder why you haven’t reached out to them, or what you might be doing instead. His curiosity will increase each day that you go without speaking to him.

3. Anger

This is not always the case and depends on the person specifically. But this is the stage where, if curiosity has built up in your ex’s head, he’ll start to wonder if you might be with another person. Jealousy may come up. This is usually where rebound relationships occur in the stage of a breakup.

4. Preoccupation

Your ex has let his imagination run wild about what you could be doing to the point where he is totally preoccupied with you. Even if he’s in a rebound relationship, this is where the bubble might burst for him and he sees this new person as something that’s unrealistic – and potentially a nuisance.

5. Fear

This is the final stage that determines any course of action. Your ex is afraid that he has lost you forever. Between breaking up with someone and being broken up with, this is the stage that the initiator starts to feel the way that you felt in the beginning.

60 day no contact rule?

Usually, it’s best to go 4 weeks with no contact, but this depends on how long you were in a relationship to begin with. If you were in one for anything under 2 years, you might run the risk of both parties moving on going longer than 30 days with no contact. How long does no contact last for a serious, long-term relationship over 2 years? 60 days might be best.

Is it safe to say the no contact rule works every time?

The answer to this question is tricky. Do exes come back after no contact? Not necessarily. But that does not mean the no contact rule is not and has not been working. The no contact rule is designed to establish a healthy mentality for you, which also happens to be the best way of getting an ex back. If you were broken up with, the chances of him realizing he made a mistake are dependent on whether or not you show him what he’s missing. And even then, you might wonder, “How long before he misses me?” Even if you don’t hear from him, the no contact rule is a sure-fire way of making your ex curious about you. And curiosity almost always leads to longing.

Why is the no contact rule so effective?

The no contact rule is so effective in that it gives both parties enough space to be objective without losing sentimental value on the relationship. What would the point be of breaking up, only to be inundated with a barrage of calls and texts asking to get back together? As hard as it is, try to think back on the time when you and your ex first started dating. So much magic and excitement came from what was unknown about each other. And also, it’s important to remember that the no contact rule isn’t about how long before he calls after a break up — it’s about what you do with yourself in those 4 weeks, about taking space to improve yourself and give much needed clarity and perspective.

Is there a no contact rule success rate?

Something crucial for you to take away from this article is that the no contact rule can be working without you being aware. Your ex could be thinking about you nonstop, but they haven’t reached out to you yet. How long will it take him to miss me? He could regret his decision to end the relationship in the first place, wondering what you are doing, and thinking about reaching out. That would mean that the no contact rule is strongly working. But how would you have a way of measuring its success?

When does no contact not work?

If your ex doesn’t contact you, it’s usually because of the 5th stage I talked about earlier — fear. During no contact, it’s common for an ex — no matter how strong his feelings might be about wanting you back — to fear rejection. It sounds counterintuitive, but maybe he realized he made a mistake and feels ashamed about it. Worst-case scenario, let’s say he blocks you or refuses to talk to you. Even then, that’s still a sign that the no contact rule has worked because your silence has driven him towards extreme action. Hate isn’t the opposite of love, but indifference is. Besides, if spend the no contact period just wondering how long before he comes back, you won’t be using the time effectively.

No contact rule male in psychology?

Men, as a general rule, have strong egos. We all pride ourselves on being the best friends, lovers, boyfriends, husbands, etc. Whether we like to admit it or not, we thrive on validation.

So, what happens when your throw silence into the equation of male validation? A blow to his ego. So, how long does it take for a man to miss a woman after a break up? Not long, so long as you give him space to miss you in the first place. In the case of no contact, it’s really about how silence works towards your advantage in spinning his imagination. And in keeping your silence, how long does it take for him to miss you? As stated earlier, the standard course is anywhere from 3-8 weeks. Which brings me to my next point below…

What to do after the 30-day-no-contact rule?

If you have stood by the 30 needed days of no contact, this is the stage where, for some people and in many cases, he will reach out to “check in” or see how you’re doing. If you haven’t heard from him in this time period, I would recommend waiting at least 3 months before taking initiative to reach out on your own. Obviously it would be best-case scenario if he reached out himself, but if you are certain that you want to get back together with him after 3 months, reaching out would make the most sense.

Whatever you do, just remember — 4 weeks minimum is the best of time for the no contact rule to work. Good luck out there!

I hope this helped you understand exactly how long to do the no contact rule for. Before you decide what to do next, there’s one more thing to remember – even if you can get him back it’s very difficult to keep him… unless you know how to make him want to be with you and only you forever. You need this secret formula to get your ex back in your arms for good. It will reveal how to get him to see you as “the one” and desperately crave you by his side forever. If you don’t read this now you might miss your chance to get him back forever so don’t wait: Do You Want Your Ex Back? Use This To Get Them Back…

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No Contact Rule: How Long To Do It - a new mode

Mon, 05 Mar 2018 14:00:59 GMT

Let’s talk about the no contact rule, which is pretty much the most essential thing you can do in order to get your ex back. It is also the most essential thing to do if you want to get over your ex and heal from the breakup. So basically, it’s a win-win. You either get him back, or you fully get over him and are free to move on.

The no contact rule can sound brutal, and strangely permanent. But it’s not. It’s a temporary state that will hopefully lead you to a long-term solution. It is a means to gain clarity, and that clarity may reveal that you and your ex are meant to be and you may finally see the things that prevented you from making it work in the first place, or that clarity might make you realize that he’s not the right guy for you at all.

MORE: The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know

The most common question is: how long should I do the no contact rule for?

Let’s break it down and look at the ideal amount of time to go without contacting your ex, and why that will get you maximum results.

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What Is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is as it sounds. After a breakup, you do not contact your ex for a certain period of time.

MORE: How to Get Your Ex Back in 5 Steps Guaranteed (With Testimonials)

The purpose of this rule is to give you a chance to emotionally detox from the relationship and get yourself back to a strong and healthy place. It’s a chance for you to get back to yourself, to gain perspective and clarity, to learn you can live without him (even though that may feel impossible), and it is the best chance you have to get your ex back and keep him this time.

During the period of no contact, you have zero contact with him. That means:

No calls
No texts
No emails
No showing places where you think he’ll be to “accidentally” run into him
No letters
No talking on social media- that also means no liking or commenting on his posts
No responding if he reaches out to you
No stalking him on social media (this doesn’t really count as “contact” but it’s in your best interest and will get you the best results)
(I actually wrote an article on everything you need to know about the no contact rule where I go into all the details about exactly what to do, and how to handle specific situations that may come up, so be sure to read that article as well.)

What if you work with him or have a child with him or some other reason why you’ll be forced to see him? You can still follow the no contact rule, you just have to really limit how much you speak to him. Keep it strictly business or strictly logistical. And do not speak to him outside of the specific context that you need to deal with him.

But moving on…

How long should you do the no contact rule for?

I generally say you should go a minimum of four weeks without contact. This may not be enough for some people, especially if it was a very long-term and serious relationship, so I would say 4-8 weeks is standard. Definitely, do not do it for less than four weeks. Anything beyond that, you’ll just have to use your judgment. You’ll have to be honest with yourself and see how you feel and if you’re ready to open the gates of communication.

Some women prefer to wait until the guy reaches out to them. This can definitely work but sometimes can take a few months rather than a few weeks. But if you can be patient and if you truly work on getting yourself to the best place possible in the meantime, then you really set yourself up for success.

MORE: Why the No Contact Rule Always Works

If you use your period of no contact wisely and do all the things you’re supposed to do, then going for a period of one month with no contact should suffice. If you spend that month crying into your pillow and obsessing over him endlessly and counting the minutes until you can contact him again, well you need a lot more time! You’re doing a lot more during the no-contact period than not contacting him, you’re rebuilding yourself.

Yeshiva University neuroscientist Lucy Brown and her research team did a study on heartbroken individuals. They found that the brains of their subjects looked a lot like drug addicts fiending for a fix. And what to addicts do to recover? They go to rehab for at least 30 days to completely detox from drugs. The no contact rule is your rehab.

MORE: Hidden Signs Your Ex Still Loves You (Even If He Says He Doesn’t)

Brown and her team also found that “signs of lack of emotion control” happened for weeks or months after the initial breakup, including “inappropriate phoning, writing or e-mailing, pleading for reconciliation, sobbing for hours, drinking too much, and/or making dramatic entrances and exits into the rejecter’s home, place of work or social space to express anger, despair or passionate love.”

Basically, immediately following a breakup you can’t help but commit behavior that you will definitely regret. The no contact rule cuts you off from making those mistakes so you don’t end up pushing your ex even further away, and making him feel even more confident in his decision to end the relationship with you.

MORE: How to Do the No Contact Rule

This is a good checklist to follow to know if you’re ready to reach out to him again:

You haven’t contacted him for at least four full weeks.
You have spent this time working on yourself and feeling good- you exercise, take care of your self, have fun with your friends, and do things you enjoy.
You’ve put time and effort into making positive changes in your life.
You’re emotionally in a good place and know you will be OK if you and your ex don’t end up getting back together.
You have identified the real reasons you and your him broke up and know how to fix what didn’t work the first time.
You have opened yourself up to the possibility of dating other guys, and maybe even have gone on a date or two.
You have recovered from the breakup and are no longer feeling broken, empty, and devastated.
You want to get back with your ex for the right reasons, not because your lonely and need the validation. You genuinely believe you and him are right for one another.

If you can yes to most of the items on this list then you are ready to initiate contact with him, assuming he hasn’t already reached out to you. But remember, do not respond to him unless it’s been at least four weeks. If you don’t want to flat out ignore him, you can send a quick polite text saying, “I just need some time to myself right now and would appreciate it if you wouldn’t contact me during this time” and then just leave it at that.

MORE: Why The No Contact Rule Is Important

A lot of women look at the no contact rule as a ploy to get him back. They use it as a means to an end. But getting him back isn’t the goal here, it’s the byproduct. The goal is to get yourself back to an emotionally healthy, happy, and stable place.

Missing someone isn’t enough to make a relationship work. You can’t just miss him. If things are going to be different this time around then something has to change. Change doesn’t magically happen, you have to put in the work and give it some time. You need to identify what went wrong the first time and figure out if the problems can be solved.

One concept we talk about over and over again here on A New Mode is the importance of loving yourself. That is essentially what lays the groundwork for a healthy, happy relationship.

MORE: Does the No Contact Rule Work?

The best thing you can do during the period of no contact is to focus on re-building that love for yourself, rather than on re-igniting his love for you. Do the things you enjoy, the things that make you feel alive and charged. Channel your pain into a means for bettering yourself and being a stronger, more confident version of who you were.

If you follow these guidelines, you significantly increase your chances for success and for having the love you’ve always wanted.

And remember, four weeks of no contact is a minimum. Be real and honest with yourself.

MORE: The Rules and Benefits of the No Contact Rule

Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?

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Why Cutting Off All Contact With An Ex Is The Only Way To Move On

Tue, 07 Mar 2017 10:41:00 GMT

The vast majority of people use love as a drug. They get "high" from an external source—another person's presence and approval. The withdrawal from that feeling that comes with heartbreak after a relationship ends (and the fear that they may not know how to be happy on their own) can be terrifying.

Have faith. You will feel sad. You will grieve. But by using the no-contact rule, you will also regain strength, self-esteem, confidence, and empowerment. You also differentiate "wanting" a partner from "needing" one.

Practice a lot of self-care after your breakup, and make an effort to avoid even seeing your ex on social media, which will make the healing process even harder. (Blocking your ex completely on social media may be necessary for making no contact really work.)

Share this journey with someone who "gets" it. This might not necessarily be your best friend, mind you. A strong teammate will fortify your flagging spirits when the struggle is real. A bad teammate will add to your headaches and problems.

How Long Should No Contact Last

Can’t Stop Breaking No Contact?: Get My Private Method Here

Going through a bad breakup? I know it’s tough to get through this difficult situation. You’re lonely and confused, trying to get back on your feet while your heart is broken into a million pieces. You’ve probably heard that the No Contact Rule is the most effective way to help you get over a breakup and move on.

For the record, the No Contact Rule can be a lifesaver if you implement it the right way.

But how long should No Contact last?

You’ve probably heard of the 30 Day Rule, or even longer periods of 60 or 90 days. Some people even take more extended time periods to heal and get on with their lives.

Here’s my answer to how long the No Contact Ruleshould last.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have some alone time and selfishly used this time period to rebuild your self-esteem and re-discover your life purpose. Usually, it takes a dumpee (who got dumped) around 30 days to terms with their breakup and rebuilds their well-being. After a few weeks of dealing with their emotional pain, the second phase of the No Contact period is to rebuild their lives and focus on their own life goals.

Rather than seeking an intimate relationship with someone else, use the No Contact period to build a personal relationshipwith yourself.

One of the biggest misconception people have about the No-Contact Rule is that they expect something magical to happen after 30 days. Perhaps their ex will magically appear at their footstep on Day 30, or they are completely healed while they run down the clock. One of the biggest No Contact Rule mistakes is people thinking they are ready to initiate contact with their ex-boyfriends and want to get back together.

Their mindset is stuck on going back to a broken relationship.

This is why the No Contact Rule success rate is low and why most people break their silent treatment too soon. They have the wrong idea about the NC Rule.

If you use this time period to focus on yourself selfishly, you will quickly see some positive effects in your life. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when your mind and heart are cravings for your ex.

It takes a lot of discipline, reflection, tons of distractions to get you through breakup grief and into a new chapter of your life.

How Long Is Too Long For No Contact?

How Long Should No Contact Last

There is no timeframe for whether you’re implementing No Contact for too long. It’s not a race to see how fast you can recover and move on. It’s about using the No Contact Rule to create a personal buffer for yourself to rebuild your self-confidence and become a better person.

How long it takes for you to bring back your sassy confidence depends on you. Trust me, once you start to get on with your life, you won’t even notice that you’re still in the No Contact zone.

Usually, it’s recommended to go on a hard lockdown of 30 days and restrict yourself from any contact with your ex. No phone calls, texts, social media stalking, or anything that reminds you of your former flame. The key is to give yourself a relationship detox and let all the emotional pain and weight out of your system.

So focus on having a personal relationship with yourself. Re-discover your life goals and start ticking off things on your bucket list. In a positive way, breakups can be a blessing in disguise where you are single and free without any relational strings tying you down to achieve success.

For the time being, stop thinking about romantic relationships. It’ll come again when the time is right? Don’t rush yourself into an intimate situation again until you have fully healed and ready to make another commitment.

Will he move on during no contact?

One of the goals during the No Contact period is to move on. This is the only way to get over your breakup and look past your broken relationship. You can assume that your ex will move on during No Contact because he needs to get on with his life.

It would make matters worse for both of you if you’re waiting for your ex to reach out after 30 days and let him run more relationship games on you. If that’s the case, you’re likely to be breaking and repeating the No Contact Rule with poor results.

What your ex does during No Contact should not matter to you. The more you think about him, the longer it will take for you to achieve good results for yourself. Rest assured that your ex will move on during No Contact. So will you.

What goes through his mind during no contact?

There are a lot of things that go through the male mind during No Contact. If your ex-boyfriend is the dumper, here are two things that he is going through during No Contact.

1. He’s wondering how you are doing.

Believe it or not, your ex has already checked out the relationship long before the night of the breakup. He planned it a long time ago. What he’s going to say, how he’s going to break it to you, and when he’s going to do it.

What’s worst is he’s already dealt through his cycle of emotions, and making the breakup official may feel like a big weight is lifted off his shoulders.

And it’s unfair for you. You’re caught by surprise. Your dreams were destroyed overnight. And you’re left embarrassed, confused, and alone.

Now, your ex is most likely going to care about how you’re doing. Even though he’s caused the pain, he will feel a sense of regret and sympathy for putting you through the pain. After all, you two were once best friends and shared deep secrets. You two shared great moments in your relationship.

It’s human nature for your ex to care still and check up on you. How you want to react to his sympathy is up to you.

2. He’s planning his next move.

Now that your ex-boyfriend got what he wants, he’s planning how he’s going to capitalize on his newfound freedom. Maybe he has new life goals, and he wants to chase success. Perhaps he feels stuck in his past relationship and needs a breath from relationships.

Whatever your ex is planning, it should be irrelevant to you. He’s focusing on his life, and you should be rebuilding yours too.

It’s hard to respect your ex when he’s the one that called off the relationship. But relationships are a two-way street which means that it’s not all your ex’s fault. The relationship was long broken, and someone just had to initiate the breakup before things get worse.

How Long Does It Take For An Ex To Miss You With No Contact?

How Long Should No Contact Last

Like I mentioned earlier, your ex will go through a phase where he’s missing you in the first few weeks. Even though he’s had a head start in the breakup to deal with his emotions, your ex is only beginning to live his life without you after the separation. So he’s going to feel dumper’s remorse and regret letting you go.

He’s going to miss the great timesyou two had together. Now that’s he’s single, your ex will also start to realize what he’s lost as he adjusts his lifestyle. In some cases, an ex may miss the relationship so bad that they want to get back together. But in most cases, the feeling of losing and missing someone during No Contact is temporary.

Here’s the thing, your ex will likely miss you during No Contact. He wants to relieve his feelings by reaching out to you. If you wish to respond and open up to your ex is up to you.

I would give your ex the silent treatment. I would not let his needs interrupt your healing process, as giving in may put you back in square one and keep you confused.

Be selfish when you’re going through No Contact. It’s time to stop letting your ex live rent-free in your brain. And just because he’s having a hard time forgetting about you doesn’t mean he has the right to call you anytime you want.

Set up your personal barrier and do what’s best for you.

Is it too late to go no contact after begging?

No, it’s never too late to go No Contact after begging your ex. You can always restart the No Contact Rule. But if you have the habit of begging or giving into your ex during radio silence, then you need new strategies to contain yourself.

For the record, begging your ex to get back together is never the right solution. I understand that people have different reasons to want their ex back. But by begging your ex, you’ll never have the upper hand.

You’ll never get the respect.

Moving on sounds scary. Being alone is tough. But it would help if you considered what is best for you in your future. If your ex-boyfriend is a toxic person, then you’ll never be able to be happy and get what you want from the relationship.

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