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The Top 4 Reasons People Cheat on Their Partners

Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D — Mon, 27 Sep 2021 13:53:53 GMT

Source: Edward Eyer/Pexels

There is (almost) nothing worse than discovering that your partner has cheated on you. A good romantic relationship builds on mutual trust, respect, admiration, and attraction.

When a loved one commits an act of infidelity, the bond of trust has been broken. You probably no longer feel respected or admired. Worst of all, you may no longer feel that your significant other is attracted to you.

Despite these potentially devastating consequences, we often cheat on our partners. Surveys suggest that more than 60 percent of people have cheated on their long-term romantic partner or spouse at least once (Brogaard, 2015, ch. 8).

Why are so many of us unfaithful? Here are the top four reasons:

We cheat because we crave excitement and unpredictability.

Most of us think that the "honeymoon phase" of relationships is what romantic love is supposed to be like all the time. We fail to see that the early stages of romantic relationships are not what healthy romantic love is like.

These stages of romantic relationships resemble the chemical profile of psychological disorders like generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) (Brogaard, 2015, ch. 2). Like GAD and OCD, the early stages of romantic love are characterized by low brain levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin and high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine.

Serotonin is correlated with well-being, satiation, and certainty. So, low levels of this brain chemical can elicit feelings of unpredictability and butterflies. Dopamine is associated with extreme pleasure and high levels of motivation. So, high levels of dopamine can induce feelings of ecstasy and energy.

Because the honeymoon phase of romantic relationships often generates low brain levels of serotonin and high levels of dopamine, this phase often induces feelings of extreme pleasure and high energy, combined with feelings of unpredictability and uncertainty. Although this emotional cocktail reflects an unhealthy brain state, it can be addictive.

Once the ecstasy, excitement, and unpredictability of the honeymoon phase of our romantic relationship are gone, we may crave these emotions. Their absence can make it seem like something is wrong with the relationship.

Even though relationships may be more healthy after some time has passed, the lack of constant ecstasy and unpredictability can cause us to believe that our love for the other person has ended.

Cheating is secretive and potentially dangerous, and it can feel exciting and give us a boost of adrenaline. Owing to these attributes, an act of infidelity can give us a fix of the addictive love ingredients we feel are lacking in our long-term romantic relationship.

It is easier than ever to meet people we may get attracted to.

Another reason we cheat is because we can. Prior to the early 1970s, it was far more common for women to be stay-at-home moms and men breadwinners.

These oppressive social structures provided women with very few opportunities to cheat. While men were less restricted, most would have been less likely to meet "eligible" people to cheat with—without intentionally seeking them out.

Back then, it was also typically more difficult to hide a romantic fling or love affair from a long-term romantic partner. With less time away from each other, and no cell phone or internet, most people would need to be quite determined to sustain a romantic love affair—although brief flings perhaps were more common.

Today, we commonly spend significant stretches of time apart from our romantic partners. Most of us work outside the home, and many of us travel for work. We furthermore often go out without our significant others, and we each have our own independent circles of friends. Even when we are together with our partner, other people are only a text message away.

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Setting aside the temporary limitations that were (or still are) imposed by the COVID-19 pandemic, modern culture thus gives us plenty of opportunities to meet people we may get attracted to while also making it relatively easy to hide a romantic fling or love affair.

Cheating can signal that something is wrong.

Sometimes infidelity is a sign that something is wrong in your long-term relationship (Brogaard, 2020, ch. 2).

If you and your significant other stay together merely for economic reasons, for the sake of the children, because of shared possessions, or out of convenience, you may end up resenting each other.

If you are unhappy in your romantic relationship, you may be more likely to seek intimacy, admiration, satisfaction, and respect elsewhere.

Occasionally cheating just sort of happens.

Occasionally, cheating can be something that just sort of happens. At a company holiday party, you may get rather tipsy and suddenly find yourself kissing your co-worker in the hallway without ever intending to do it.

While all cheating betrays our partner's trust, an unintended kiss in a hallway after one too many glasses of spiced wine can be relatively innocent.

If, however, you and your co-worker end up going home together or carrying on after the party, that is far from innocent. Unlike a single, quick kiss that just sort of happened, voluntarily going to someone's house requires making an intentional decision to do so.

The same goes for repeat offenses. If you keep finding yourself kissing co-workers in hallways at company parties, you are probably intentionally doing it, even if you are not fully aware of the "intent" at the time.

Facebook image: Vadym_Hunko/Shutterstock

Why Don’t We Avoid Abusive Love Like the Plague?

Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D — Sun, 26 Sep 2021 20:18:14 GMT

Source: Karolina Grabowska/Pexels

Abusive love forgoes the rules of rational love, as American feminist writer Leslie Morgan Steiner’s love of Connor did. When we are madly in love, we close our eyes to the truth or edit it carefully before taking it in.

We overlook obvious faults of character and personality. We leave our children, max out our credit cards, and throw away friends, family, and career.

We put up with bad manners, rude behavior, verbal and emotional abuse, even physical violence.

Alas, knowing just how costly abusive love can be doesn’t deter it from digging its claws deeper into our flesh.

Why Do We Strive So Hard to Fall Madly in Love?

Why don’t we avoid abusive love like the plague? Why do we, in fact, strive to fall so madly in love?

The answer turns on our pesky brain chemicals: all-consuming love, even when abusive, is coupled with a brain chemistry similar to that of people addicted to cocaine or methamphetamine. Taking the drug (e.g., realizing your crush has a crush on you, or spending an intimate afternoon with your sweetheart) leads to a hyper-activation of the brain’s dopamine system.

But when your beloved is acting unpredictably, creating uncertainty about where you stand, the brain’s levels of dopamine plummet, and your stabbing pangs of longing numb your critical faculties and urge you to take desperate measures to restore "balance," even when restoring balance means abuse.

This is the mindset of an addict, a mindset that is hijacked by brain chemicals and is unyielding to reason, someone who will take pain and bruises before quitting the drug.

When Idyllic Relationships Turn Nightmarish

Not long after meeting Conor, Steiner started exhibiting the thoughts and behaviors of an addict. "It’s like jet fuel, being with him. It’s like we’re one person … I have never felt like this … I feel like the luckiest girl in the world."

And at first, Conor seemed like a dream come true. Not only was he handsome and smart, he was a real gentleman, projecting an image of unbending integrity: "He never reached over to pat my thigh or arm, as so many men did way too early."

Conor even quit alcohol altogether when he found out that Steiner didn’t drink. Whereas her friends and coworkers "bemoaned their boyfriends’ fear of commitment," Conor gave her a key to his apartment only months into their relationship. How masterfully he manipulates her. How quickly the idyllic relationship turned nightmarish.

Holding Onto Abusive Love Is Like Standing on Splintered Glass

There has been a major pushback against the idea of subjecting love to rational evaluation. The American philosopher Laurence Thomas, for example, has argued in his essay "Reasons for Loving" (1991) that: "There are no rational considerations whereby anyone can lay claim to another’s love or insist that an individual’s love for another is irrational."

This view of love as a-rational (not irrational) is encapsulated in received wisdom in the form of sayings such as "Love is blind," "Love has no reason," and "Love is temporary insanity." We cannot lay claim to another’s love because, according to Thomas: "There is no irrationality involved in ceasing to love a person whom one once loved immensely, although the person has not changed."

Is this widespread opinion correct? Is it irrational to stop loving a person "just because," and not because the person has changed? Should we stay with people we once loved but love no more?

Surely not. You shouldn’t stick around in a relationship with someone you don’t love, even if there’s no good reason not to love them.

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But likewise, love alone is not always a good reason to stay in a relationship. Rationality concerns your interests, not the interests of others. If your partner abuses you, it is—all things being equal—in your best interest to end the relationship, regardless of how much you love them and hope they will change.

Do abusers ever change? Deep down, you already know the answer. No, they don't change. Their abuse is grounded in narcissism or psychopathy, and narcissists and psychopaths do not seek out help, and rarely change even if they receive help. Aging narcissists and psychopaths may occasionally change after many years of therapy, far removed from their victims.

Narcissistic and psychopathic abusers may temporarily pretend to have undergone change, if the pretense can benefit them. But in the long run, they usually will not even be able to keep up the pretense.

For these reasons, leaving an abusive relationship, leaving your narcissistic or psychopathic partner, is always the logical thing to do.

While we have rational obligations to protect ourselves, we do not necessarily have any duties to others. What duties we have to others is a question of morality, not rationality. We don’t have any default moral duties to love anyone romantically.

But promises, agreements, contracts, and laws do sometimes bring into existence duties to love, and once you have an antecedent obligation to love another person, they can rightfully lay claim to your love. For example, you have a duty to take care of the basic needs of children in your custody, and love is a basic need.

Similarly, if you marry someone, you enter into a contract that brings certain duties into existence, for instance, a duty to love, as articulated in the wedding vow that has taken root in American popular culture:

I, Gigi, take you, Lilly, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

So, if you enter into a marriage contract with another person, they can rightfully lay claim to your love. The marriage gives them a claims right, and if you fail to deliver, you are in breach of contract, and might end up as a defendant in a civil lawsuit. Be careful what you promise.

If your all-consuming love of your abuser compels you to put them on a pedestal, turn a deaf ear to reason, and put up with verbal and emotional abuse, and perhaps even physical violence, then you are in the grip of crazy, irrational love—love that could destroy you for good.

Yet, it can be hard to leave someone we love, even when they keep hurting us. We naturally crave the thrills and dangers of irrational, crazy, abusive love, and choose the "highs," even when that means living with fear and bruises.

But keep in mind that the longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the longer you postpone reclaiming your life and starting the healing process.

In fact, if you stay with your abuser for too long, if you just keep taking the mental and physical beatings, you may reach a point of no return—a point beyond which you can never once again become whole.

As the old saying goes, holding onto abusive love is like standing on splintered glass. If you stay, you will keep hurting. If you walk, you will hurt, but eventually you will heal.

This post was also published in Psyche.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Your Love Is Destroying You, but You're Unable to Leave

Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 14:35:30 GMT

Source: Karolina Grabowska/Pexels

In her memoir Crazy Love (2009), the American feminist writer Leslie Morgan Steiner details the domestic violence she suffered during her four-year relationship with her ex-husband Conor.

He choked her, punched her, banged her against a wall, knocked her down the stairs, broke glass over her face, held a gun to her head, took the keys out of the ignition on the highway.

There were clear warning signs early on in their relationship.

While having sex, five days prior to their wedding, Conor choked her until she almost passed out: "His hands tightened around my throat … My eyes began to water. My body began to writhe involuntarily. Panic spread across my chest."

"I own you," Connor told her just before he came.

Although she knew that she was about to marry a dangerous man, Steiner didn’t call off the wedding. She was in love.

As the title of the memoir makes plain, Steiner’s love is deeply irrational, verging on madness. Victims of domestic violence sometimes stay with their abuser out of fear of repercussions and backlash if they leave. This makes sense.

But Steiner didn’t stay out of fear. Not initially, at least. When Conor broke a glass frame over her head, slitting open her face, her only thoughts were: "Don’t let this happen. I do still love him. He is my family."

Mad Love Impairs Your Capacity for Rational Decision-Making

Staying with your abuser out of love, as Steiner did, is irrational because it vitiates prudential – or "self-regarding" – concerns, which are one of the hallmarks of practical rationality.

When Steiner’s memoir was first released, various commenters aired their objections to critical assessments of Steiner’s decision to stay with her abuser on the grounds that we shouldn’t blame the victim.

Even when a victim worships her abuser for reasons of love, they argued, only the batterer is accountable for the harm inflicted.

The critics are right, of course. Steiner clearly isn’t responsible for the abuse she suffered. But her delirious love for Conor impaired her ability to make rational decisions. This is the dark side of love.

As I have argued in my book On Romantic Love (2015), rational love – love that is sane, sound and sensible – is reason-responsive, grounded in reality, and consonant with your overall mindset. These are lofty ideals but not unachievable goals.

Rational Love is Reason-Responsive

For love to be reason-responsive it must yield to reasons against it – reasons that your love is inimical to your interests. Your interests are those states of affairs that further your overall flourishing, or wellbeing. Performing an unpleasant activity might be in your best interest if it promotes your overall wellbeing. Think pelvic exams, colonoscopies and root canals – or breaking up with someone you are madly in love with.

Despite knowing that Conor presented a threat to her safety and wellbeing, Steiner didn’t get out until she had suffered four years of domestic abuse. Instead, she rationalized the beatings and hid her bruises. Her love was immune to reason.

Rational Love is Grounded in Reality

For love to be grounded in reality it must be based on an accurate perception of the beloved, not fantasy, reverie or illusion. Love fueled by a projection of a saint-like idealization on to the beloved is bound to dwindle once the image of unbending perfection disintegrates and the real person, with her unsaintly flaws, is left in its place.

Sustained only by fantasy and illusion, love that idealizes the beloved is void of rationality. Steiner’s perception of Conor is fantastical in its nature. Even after years of battery, she puts him on a pedestal, emphasizing how brilliant, funny and fascinating he is, convinced in her naivety that he is her "soul mate."

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Rational Love is Consonant With Your Overall Mindset

To be consonant with your overall mindset, love must cohere with your beliefs, desires and emotions and not breed internal inconsistency. The love part of love-hate relationships is a paradigm example of love that vitiates this ideal.

To love someone is to have a strong desire to promote their interests. But when you hate someone, you don’t want to promote their interests, and probably want to impede them.

Simultaneously loving and hating someone thus breeds internal inconsistency, or what is also known as "cognitive dissonance." It’s a kind of defense mechanism, where you often suppress your hatred to avoid the uncomfortable realization that your relationship is dysfunctional.

During her four-year relationship with Conor, Steiner’s rationalizations of his egregious behavior become increasingly riven with internal contradictions and efforts to suppress her own anger and hatred.

This post was first published in Psyche.

"Learning to love myself is..."

Marita Hutson — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 06:20:35 GMT

#RelationshipsWeek is back for 2021 and is taking place on 5-11 July.

The theme this year is #LoveYourself - building self-esteem to get by, grow and thrive in relationships and life.

We asked our supporters what 'learning to love yourself...' actually means to them and here's what they said...

#relationshipsweek #loveyourself

Let's talk the joy of later life sex - campaign video

Marita Hutson — Sat, 24 Apr 2021 20:37:27 GMT

We’ve teamed up with renowned British photographer, Rankin, to shine the spotlight on the unseen – sex and intimacy in our later years, in the campaign: Let’s Talk The Joy of Later Life Sex

The campaign features photographs of five older couples and one older woman in their most intimate settings.

We set out to show what sex and intimacy can mean in later life in a way that’s never been done before.

Ask Ammanda: My wife has been using dating apps and now I can't trust her

Marita Hutson — Thu, 25 Feb 2021 08:00:00 GMT

Six months ago, whilst using the laptop my wife and I share, I came across a notification for a dating app. When I looked into it, I found downloads for various (at least seven) different dating apps that were linked to my wife’s phone. I could see that she had been downloading and deleting dating apps every month or two going back for at least two years - sometimes multiple times a day.

We've been married for four years and when I first found out I was completely shocked, panicked and in pure disbelief.

When I found this out, she was on her way to visit her family who live 200 miles away so I rang her to talk about it. She denied it initially until I showed her a screenshot of what I was looking at. Then she got angry with me and didn’t want to talk about it. I was desperate to talk to get answers so I decided to drive to her the next day to talk face to face.

I drove for three hours to speak with her and ask her why she'd done it. Her reason was that she wanted to make friends as she felt lonely and she wanted to check to see if I was on dating sites too. I obviously was not, as I’m very committed and loyal. I asked to see the apps but she said she had deleted them and that she hadn’t chatted to anyone at all on any of the different sites. At the time she was incredibly embarrassed, guilty, and for some reason I felt sorry for her!

She then gave me an ultimatum to either forgive her and not talk about it anymore or breakup, on the day. Because I felt rushed, I chose to forgive her when in hindsight I shouldn’t have decided so quick.

Fast forward six months and this is now absolutely eating me up inside! I am looking for answers, reassurance, and as much as I’ve tried to forgive her, I can’t help feeling so hurt, betrayed and insecure. I keep wondering if she told the truth at all. I don’t think the reasons she gave me are even plausible, but I was in shock at the time.

When I’ve tried to talk to her about it or tell her I’m upset, she either shuts me down or gives me the same ultimatum of chosing between forgiveness or separation. It’s making me feel like going on her phone to check, but I’m resisting as I feel that’s not going to help unless she’s actually cheating and I’m scared to find that out.

I don’t want to feel like this forever, I want to move on and trust her again. But I also can’t do it on my own.

I’m torn and don’t know what more I can do?

Ammanda says...

No, you can't do this on your own.

Finding out something like this out is inevitably devastating. From what you say, I’m not surprised it feels so difficult to understand let alone move on from – but ultimately that’s what you will both have to do if you want this marriage to endure. It's just how you get there that’s the tricky bit.

First and foremost, I strongly suggest that you continue to resist looking though her phone. It’s an unfortunate consequence of feeling betrayed that the search for proof one way or another feels so important. I can assure you though that constant phone checking and demands for the truth are likely to get you nowhere and may ultimately be experienced as harassing and potentially abusive – so don’t go there!

What has happened in your relationship with all the heartache and feeling eaten up inside is one of the most common reasons people seek counselling. I think that probably, this is most likely the right route for both of you too. Now, that might seem like a bit of a reach given that your wife has told you to stop going on about everything or leave. That too is very difficult to hear when all you want is reassurance about three things: These are usually that 1) it didn’t ‘mean’ anything 2) it won't ever happen again, and of course 3) why it happened in the first place.

There are many schools of thought about why partners do stuff like this. One, is that there was a problem in the relationship that either couldn’t be talked about or resolved – so solace or distraction was sought elsewhere. Another, is simply boredom - the ‘greyness’ of everyday life coupled with the opportunity, and let's face it - we’re surrounded by online opportunities to ‘have a look’ and a third is that it ‘just happened’ for no reason at all.

On top of these possibilities is all the ‘invisible’ stuff in the relationship. Things like roles, communication, belief systems, early childhood experiences and growing. These all play a part in how partners ‘construct’ meaning to what they do in relationships. I can't tell you the number of times I’ve worked with a couple where one of them is beyond devasted at what they’ve ‘discovered’, whilst their partner can't see what the problem is because what they’ve done doesn’t have the same meaning for them as their partner. It can be complicated.

I think your best bet here is to do two things:

First, stop doing what you’re currently doing because it isn’t working. The more you push for answers and reassurance, the less you will get. I can imagine and understand that most of the conversations start with you asking for explanations, reasons and reassurance from her so in essence, requiring her to do something to make you feel a bit better, validated and certainly ‘heard’. I can also imagine that you perhaps blame her for spoiling what you thought you had together – and therein lies the rub.

Blame, whilst the most understandable and powerful of responses to someone who we feel has messed up, caused pain or destroyed something we’ve believed in, is actually usually very counterproductive because it creates additional shame for the person to whom its directed. Whilst that might feel very satisfying to the person who’s dishing it out, in fact, it often closes down what hope there might have been for understanding what’s happened and what to do about it together.

So, to conclude, sharing how you feel with your wife is a normal thing to want to do, but by owning those feelings without expectation of response or explanation can lower the inevitable tensions I’ve described above. I think you could do a lot worse than explaining how sad and upset you feel and that you need, in as far as you can, to process what’s happened in counselling.

Most of all, explain that you would really value the chance to talk through and understand her feelings about the relationship as well as your own and to that end you’d like her to consider joining you. My hope would be that a counsellor will be able to help each of you to feel heard and understood by the other so that together you can start to carve out what needs to happen now either to support both of you to rebuild the trust or to go your separate ways.

I very much hope that you both take the opportunity to co-create a new conversation where you both feel heard and understood. It’s amazing what a difference this can make.

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If you’re in a romantic relationship where one partner exhibits demanding behavior while the other partner withdraws and avoids, you may be experiencing attachment panic.

Do you feel a sense of panic when you argue with your partner or can’t reach them on the phone? Attachment panic may be the reason.

From infancy, we are hardwired to attach to a loving and responsive caregiver.

Later on in life, this primal instinct drives us to seek a partner who can be a safe haven in this world. When our chosen partner becomes emotionally unresponsive, we feel isolated, insecure, and fearful.

This causes a “fear alarm” to go off in our brain. This is what psychologists refer to as attachment panic.

Attachment panic can be a symptom of panic disorder or attachment anxiety.

In her book “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” psychologist Sue Johnson says attachment panic is at the core of all conflicts in romantic relationships.

So what is attachment panic, exactly? It’s not an official disorder. It’s a nervous system reaction that happens when you suspect that your partner is no longer a safe haven.

Attachment panic is a primal response. It’s the sense that you’re in grave danger when you don’t have the safety of a loved one that you can count on.

When people feel this fear, they often have one of two responses:

They may try to force their partner to act in a way that makes them feel safe.
They might shut down and withdraw emotionally.

Both of these behaviors can send a signal of rejection to the partner and further intensify relationship distress.

Attachment panic can be a symptom of panic disorder.

If you have panic disorder, you likely experience panic attacks. These overwhelming feelings of fear and stress can come on suddenly and may happen frequently.

Panic attacks usually last a few minutes and may have physical and psychological symptoms, including:

pounding heart
feeling out of breath
sweating
tingling or numb hands
feeling frightened or out of control

If you’re experiencing attachment anxiety, you may feel like someone you care about will abandon you, according to experts.

For example, you might fear that someone you love will reject you, not respond to you, or be unavailable for you when you need them.

Attachment panic tends to manifest in one of two behaviors.

You may either become argumentative and make demands of your partner, like requesting they pay attention to you or stay in your presence. On the other hand, you might completely withdraw to protect yourself — similar to the fight-or-flight reflex you feel during imminent danger.

Often, one partner exhibits demanding behavior while the other partner is avoidant. This relational pattern is called “demand-withdrawal.”

Research from 2017 shows that the demand-withdrawal pattern is one of the most destructive types of communication in relationships.

In this dynamic, the more one person withdraws, the more the other person goes into attack mode in an effort to get a different response from their partner. This can turn into a cycle of resentment, hypervigilance, and detachment.

Couples caught in this pattern may find themselves starving for emotional connection and yearning to get it back. Yet, at the same time, they continue to relate in ways that put them further away from their real goal of closeness.

Characteristics of people with demanding behavior may include:

being argumentative or demanding
obsessing and overanalyzing
nagging
feeling like they need to stay in close proximity to their partner
having rapid mood changes
believing that relationship turbulence equals passion

Characteristics of people who tend to withdraw may include:

pulling away
stopping communication
leaving the house for hours or even days
blocking their partner on social media
accusing their partner of being overly emotional or clingy
feeling discomfort with physical closeness

While anyone can experience attachment panic, people with avoidant or anxious attachment styles tend to be more vulnerable.

Your attachment style formed during infancy with your primary caregiver. These early interactions shape how we understand and behave in relationships. The effects of these bonding experiences — later influenced by other important relationships in our life — carry forward into adulthood.

Our attachment system “activates” when we experience fear, anxiety, or related forms of distress. Experts maintain that our attachment style affects how we think, feel, and behave in close relationships throughout life.

There are three basic attachment styles for adults:

Secure attachment. A person with secure attachment has a positive self-image and a positive view of others. They believe that other people are generally accepting and responsive.
Dismissive-avoidant attachment. A person with dismissive-avoidant attachment has a positive self-image but a negative view of others. They tend to avoid intimate relationships in order to stay independent and avoid being vulnerable. They may downplay the importance of relationships and view others as untrustworthy.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment. A person with preoccupied attachment is “preoccupied” with whether their relationship is secure. They tend to have a negative self-image but a positive opinion of others. A person with preoccupied attachment may attempt to gain self-acceptance by seeking approval from others.

In general, these adult attachment styles correspond with three romantic attachment styles:

Secure lover. Tends to have longer romantic relationships and describes the bond as happy and trusting.
Avoidant lover. Tends to have a fear of intimacy, gets jealous easily, and has frequent emotional highs and lows. They’re often unsure of their feelings toward their partner. They may have difficulty falling in love and believe romantic relationships don’t last long.
Ambivalent lover. Believes their most important romantic relationship is the one characterized by obsession, emotional highs and lows, and extreme sexual attraction. They may find it easy to fall in love but believe that lasting love is hard to find.

If you have anxious attachment behaviors and you’re with a person who withdraws, consider trying these tips:

Recognize that your partner’s quiet behavior doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you.
Remember that pulling away may simply be your partner’s way of coping. They may have been doing this since childhood.
Recognize that your aggressive stance may be triggering your partner’s withdrawing behaviors.
Try not to demand closeness too fast, too soon.

On the other hand, if you’re someone who tends to withdraw, and your partner is anxiously attached, these tips may help:

Notice how you become emotionally distant during a heated communication with your partner, especially when they are trying to offer closeness.
Observe how you may be bringing childhood coping mechanisms into the present.
Recognize that your partner wants to be with you — that’s why they may be so upset. Understand that your partner is trying to gain closeness through these behaviors.
Try to look beyond what you perceive as nagging behaviors and see their underlying goodwill.
Give loving reassurance and gently explain why you pull away.

If you recognize some of these behaviors in yourself or your partner, that’s a good first step.

The good news is that attachment styles are not set in stone. With some work, you can change behaviors that are hurting your relationship. The next time you and your partner experience attachment panic, try to recognize what’s going on in the moment and try not to be as reactive with one another.

When it does happen, you can come back to this article for a refresher or watch one of the many videos on attachment styles online, including this one.

How to Deal with a Partner’s Fear of Intimacy

Can you get close to someone with intimacy issues? There are several strategies to try if you know someone who avoids forming emotional connections.

Intimacy is at the heart of human connection. Families, friends, and couples share a closeness that enriches relationships and strengthens bonds.

But if you have someone in your life that has issues with intimacy, you may wish things could be different — and wonder if there’s anything you can do to help.

People who are afraid of intimacy (sometimes called intimacy phobia) don’t mean to create distance. They want connections just as much as you do, but experience intense anxiety from intimate encounters.

Although their anxiety may not make sense to you, learning more about why they might fear intimacy can help you understand your loved one and how you might help.

People living with intimacy phobia benefit if their loved ones help them feel safe. Just keep in mind that their self-imposed isolation stems from anxiety.

You can address their anxiety with patience and support. If you handle your interactions sensitively, it can help you build an emotionally safe relationship.

Consider these strategies for developing closeness:

Communication

Communicate your thoughts and feelings in a way that’s non-confrontational. When communicating:

If you’re under stress, make sure they know it’s not their fault. You can specifically state the source of your mood, such as fatigue or frustration caused by work.
If they find the courage to share their thoughts and feelings, resist the urge to react with correction, criticism, or judgment. Instead, find common ground to join the conversation.

Empathy

When you’re empathetic, you understand or sense another person’s perspective. This can help them feel seen.

Some ways you can practice empathy include:

Listen actively.
Avoid withdrawing when they put up a wall. Instead, be present without infringing on their personal space.
Remember that their challenges with intimacy are not your fault, so don’t take it personally or act defensively.
Refrain from using manipulation strategies, no matter how well-intentioned.
Pay attention to whether you’re pressuring them, and if so, adjust your approach.

Therapy

You may want to consider raising the topic of therapy with the person who has intimacy anxiety.

They may not be ready to take this step, so you’ll want to make the suggestion without pressure. Offer to participate in couples therapy if it’s your partner. If you’re supporting a parent, sibling, or child, you can try family therapy.

The goal of therapy is to identify the root of anxiety, then figure out coping strategies. Sometimes, intimacy issues stem from complicated factors that take time for a therapist to decipher.

Labeling emotions is a tool mental health professionals teach to people living with anxiety. Rather than trying to suppress or ignore the fear, facing and identifying it can reduce its power.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can also help ease anxiety and phobias. Meditation is one way you can practice mindfulness.

When you meditate, you pay attention to the present moment and input from your senses. You might close your eyes and focus on your breath. As thoughts arise, let them pass. Return your focus to what you can hear, feel, and smell.

You could suggest mindfulness to your loved one as an activity you do together.

Fear of intimacy can significantly affect a person’s quality of life. After all, philosopher Aristotle described humans as “social animals,” a statement that recognized our need for connection.

Emotional connection is so powerful that its presence or absence can cause physical changes.

Research in 2018 found that touch — such as hand holding between people who share emotional intimacy — can reduce physical pain.

On the other hand, people who are isolated are more vulnerable to the health effects of the stress hormone, cortisol. High cortisol levels can lead to chronic disease, altered immunity, and disrupted sleep.

When someone has intimacy phobia, stress can occur from isolation and loneliness, interfering with socializing and forming friendships.

Intimacy fears affect couples the most because of the impact on multiple areas of intimacy — such as emotional, physical, and sexual. Sometimes, the fear of emotional closeness can expand to include a reluctance toward sexual intimacy.

It helps to know whether your relationship has stalled because of general incompatibility or a true intimacy phobia.

Here are some potential signs that intimacy anxiety is the culprit:

relationship sabotage
an unstable relationship history
a tendency to be a “workaholic”
fear of abandonment
avoidance of physical contact
a reluctance to discuss emotions or feelings
issues with emotional regulation
a lack of trust
self-imposed social isolation
challenges self-advocating
extra sensitivity to criticism

While these signs might make sense, there are some others that you might not typically consider.

For example, perfectionists may not feel deserving of intimacy if they fail to live up to their own high standards. Meanwhile, excessively positive people avoid opportunities to bond over hardship and instead remain forcefully cheerful.

There are less well-known, hidden characteristics often shared by people who fear intimacy. Many things exist beneath the surface of the behaviors you can easily see.

Those who experience intimacy phobia sometimes:

react to what they assume you’re thinking because they have too much anxiety to effectively communicate
fear judgment if they share their thoughts and opinions
are unable to trust themselves
criticize themselves enough to lower their self-esteem
fear losing themselves if they open up
worry that feelings they share will be used against them
anticipate rejection
have previous trauma that damaged trust, such as abuse or the death or separation of a parent

The more you learn about intimacy issues, the easier it is to cope and come up with helpful strategies.

You could try a new shared hobby, or regularly scheduled one-on-one time to forge a connection. If it’s your partner, suggest a regular date night with no agenda other than to simply have fun.

Learn how to help them by investigating and reaching out — not only to mental health professionals, but also to people living with intimacy issues, if they’re able to share. You can connect with support groups, read blogs, and listen to podcasts.

Having intimacy phobia, or being in a relationship with someone who does, does not have to mean that you’ll never have a close relationship. It may take patience, time, and sensitivity on your part, but in the end, you might find the connection that works for you and your loved one.

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Healthline Mental Health

How to Be Alone: The Art of Being Your Own Best Friend

How Long Should No Contact Last

Can’t Stop Breaking No Contact?: Get My Private Method Here

Going through a bad breakup? I know it’s tough to get through this difficult situation. You’re lonely and confused, trying to get back on your feet while your heart is broken into a million pieces. You’ve probably heard that the No Contact Rule is the most effective way to help you get over a breakup and move on.

For the record, the No Contact Rule can be a lifesaver if you implement it the right way.

But how long should No Contact last?

You’ve probably heard of the 30 Day Rule, or even longer periods of 60 or 90 days. Some people even take more extended time periods to heal and get on with their lives.

Here’s my answer to how long the No Contact Ruleshould last.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have some alone time and selfishly used this time period to rebuild your self-esteem and re-discover your life purpose. Usually, it takes a dumpee (who got dumped) around 30 days to terms with their breakup and rebuilds their well-being. After a few weeks of dealing with their emotional pain, the second phase of the No Contact period is to rebuild their lives and focus on their own life goals.

Rather than seeking an intimate relationship with someone else, use the No Contact period to build a personal relationshipwith yourself.

One of the biggest misconception people have about the No-Contact Rule is that they expect something magical to happen after 30 days. Perhaps their ex will magically appear at their footstep on Day 30, or they are completely healed while they run down the clock. One of the biggest No Contact Rule mistakes is people thinking they are ready to initiate contact with their ex-boyfriends and want to get back together.

Their mindset is stuck on going back to a broken relationship.

This is why the No Contact Rule success rate is low and why most people break their silent treatment too soon. They have the wrong idea about the NC Rule.

If you use this time period to focus on yourself selfishly, you will quickly see some positive effects in your life. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when your mind and heart are cravings for your ex.

It takes a lot of discipline, reflection, tons of distractions to get you through breakup grief and into a new chapter of your life.

How Long Is Too Long For No Contact?

How Long Should No Contact Last

There is no timeframe for whether you’re implementing No Contact for too long. It’s not a race to see how fast you can recover and move on. It’s about using the No Contact Rule to create a personal buffer for yourself to rebuild your self-confidence and become a better person.

How long it takes for you to bring back your sassy confidence depends on you. Trust me, once you start to get on with your life, you won’t even notice that you’re still in the No Contact zone.

Usually, it’s recommended to go on a hard lockdown of 30 days and restrict yourself from any contact with your ex. No phone calls, texts, social media stalking, or anything that reminds you of your former flame. The key is to give yourself a relationship detox and let all the emotional pain and weight out of your system.

So focus on having a personal relationship with yourself. Re-discover your life goals and start ticking off things on your bucket list. In a positive way, breakups can be a blessing in disguise where you are single and free without any relational strings tying you down to achieve success.

For the time being, stop thinking about romantic relationships. It’ll come again when the time is right? Don’t rush yourself into an intimate situation again until you have fully healed and ready to make another commitment.

Will he move on during no contact?

One of the goals during the No Contact period is to move on. This is the only way to get over your breakup and look past your broken relationship. You can assume that your ex will move on during No Contact because he needs to get on with his life.

It would make matters worse for both of you if you’re waiting for your ex to reach out after 30 days and let him run more relationship games on you. If that’s the case, you’re likely to be breaking and repeating the No Contact Rule with poor results.

What your ex does during No Contact should not matter to you. The more you think about him, the longer it will take for you to achieve good results for yourself. Rest assured that your ex will move on during No Contact. So will you.

What goes through his mind during no contact?

There are a lot of things that go through the male mind during No Contact. If your ex-boyfriend is the dumper, here are two things that he is going through during No Contact.

1. He’s wondering how you are doing.

Believe it or not, your ex has already checked out the relationship long before the night of the breakup. He planned it a long time ago. What he’s going to say, how he’s going to break it to you, and when he’s going to do it.

What’s worst is he’s already dealt through his cycle of emotions, and making the breakup official may feel like a big weight is lifted off his shoulders.

And it’s unfair for you. You’re caught by surprise. Your dreams were destroyed overnight. And you’re left embarrassed, confused, and alone.

Now, your ex is most likely going to care about how you’re doing. Even though he’s caused the pain, he will feel a sense of regret and sympathy for putting you through the pain. After all, you two were once best friends and shared deep secrets. You two shared great moments in your relationship.

It’s human nature for your ex to care still and check up on you. How you want to react to his sympathy is up to you.

2. He’s planning his next move.

Now that your ex-boyfriend got what he wants, he’s planning how he’s going to capitalize on his newfound freedom. Maybe he has new life goals, and he wants to chase success. Perhaps he feels stuck in his past relationship and needs a breath from relationships.

Whatever your ex is planning, it should be irrelevant to you. He’s focusing on his life, and you should be rebuilding yours too.

It’s hard to respect your ex when he’s the one that called off the relationship. But relationships are a two-way street which means that it’s not all your ex’s fault. The relationship was long broken, and someone just had to initiate the breakup before things get worse.

How Long Does It Take For An Ex To Miss You With No Contact?

How Long Should No Contact Last

Like I mentioned earlier, your ex will go through a phase where he’s missing you in the first few weeks. Even though he’s had a head start in the breakup to deal with his emotions, your ex is only beginning to live his life without you after the separation. So he’s going to feel dumper’s remorse and regret letting you go.

He’s going to miss the great timesyou two had together. Now that’s he’s single, your ex will also start to realize what he’s lost as he adjusts his lifestyle. In some cases, an ex may miss the relationship so bad that they want to get back together. But in most cases, the feeling of losing and missing someone during No Contact is temporary.

Here’s the thing, your ex will likely miss you during No Contact. He wants to relieve his feelings by reaching out to you. If you wish to respond and open up to your ex is up to you.

I would give your ex the silent treatment. I would not let his needs interrupt your healing process, as giving in may put you back in square one and keep you confused.

Be selfish when you’re going through No Contact. It’s time to stop letting your ex live rent-free in your brain. And just because he’s having a hard time forgetting about you doesn’t mean he has the right to call you anytime you want.

Set up your personal barrier and do what’s best for you.

Is it too late to go no contact after begging?

No, it’s never too late to go No Contact after begging your ex. You can always restart the No Contact Rule. But if you have the habit of begging or giving into your ex during radio silence, then you need new strategies to contain yourself.

For the record, begging your ex to get back together is never the right solution. I understand that people have different reasons to want their ex back. But by begging your ex, you’ll never have the upper hand.

You’ll never get the respect.

Moving on sounds scary. Being alone is tough. But it would help if you considered what is best for you in your future. If your ex-boyfriend is a toxic person, then you’ll never be able to be happy and get what you want from the relationship.

Wait, Do You Still Have A Chance?

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