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8 Early Warning Signs Of Silent Domestic Abuse

Eden Strong — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 14:30:04 GMT

As a domestic violence survivor myself who was married to an abuser for eight years, I'm going to let you in on a little secret here: If you're wondering if you're being abused, there's a good chance that you are.

Sure, I could listen to your story and give you my opinion, but the first person that's going to know if you're being abused is you. Because you will see the things that no one else sees, and surprisingly, the first warning signs of domestic abuse aren't anything you can even see at all.

They aren't the big red warning flags we are taught in school or on PSAs on TV. They come long before a hand is ever laid on you or a police report could be filed. These signs are subtle, quiet, and only known to you. These are the alarms that go off in your gut instincts, and they can only be heard by you.

Here are eight early signs of silent domestic abuse that are only apparent to you:

1. You fear your partner's reaction to a situation more than the situation itself.

I was at a local festival when I got back to my car and saw that someone had clearly backed into my bumper and then drove away. Standing there looking at the peeling paint and slightly indented corner, my first reaction was not one of frustration over the situation, but rather to fear going home and telling my husband, because I knew that he was going to flip out.

Sure enough, when I got home and he got a good look at my car, he began to scream, yell, rant and rave. It wasn't my fault, yet to him, it was always my fault, and all of his anger was directed at me.

If you spend your days in fear of how your partner is going to react to the world around them, you aren't in a place where you feel safe with your partner. If getting stuck in traffic and being late to dinner is the lesser problem than how your partner will react to it, you might be heading towards abuse.

2. It doesn't upset you to argue with your partner — it scares you.

When I argue with the man I'm dating, it upsets me. It upsets me that the person I love is either angry at me or that I'm angry with him. It upsets me because I love him and I don't like having tension in our relationship, but what it doesn't do is scare me.

I'm not scared that he might hit me in anger. I'm not scared that he's going to run off and cheat on me just because he's angry at me, or do something else that would be just as emotionally damaging. Fighting, while unpleasant, doesn't scare me. If fighting scares you, you might have something to actually be scared about.

3. When you get into a fight, you look for the nearest exit.

This may seem self-explanatory, but it's not. Many people don't even consciously realize that they are doing it. And even if they do realize it, they often try to convince themselves that they are just being irrational, because if their partner has never hit them before, then why are they on edge during an argument?

This is your gut instinct telling you that you aren't safe.

This is the warning sign that too many people miss, and the one they need to be paying attention to the most. If you find yourself getting into arguments with your partner, and in the back of your mind you're already planning your escape, don't brush it off — that little alarm bell may be warning you of a danger that you just haven't seen yet.

4. You don't trust them.

Trust is earned and easily lost. Many relationships fail because of trust issues, but what many people don't realize is that the repeated betrayal of trust is a form of abuse.

If the person you're dating is demanding your trust or making you feel guilty if you don't trust them — and hasn't given you reasons not to trust them — you may be getting manipulated or emotionally abused. No one knows how you feel about your partner except for you, and if you can't trust them then you have a problem.

5. They make you feel crazy.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where they were trying to convince you of something that you said, and you were pretty sure you did NOT say what they swore you said? Do you know how crazy that makes you feel? It's utterly maddening.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse where one person tries to manipulate the other person by bending or twisting the truth to support their viewpoint and their own agenda. It can be as blatant as them flat out lying to you, but it can be as subtle as them trying to get you to believe that you're wrong in situations where you're right.

Since outsiders can't see the inner workings of your relationship, it's up to you to realize that if you're beginning to feel like you're going crazy, it may be your partner is who is making you feel that way on purpose.

6. You feel like you always need their opinion.

When I make a big decision, I want to run it past the man I'm dating to see what he thinks of my choice. I do this because I value his opinion, and I respect it. But at the end of the day, I'm going to weigh my feelings along with his, and I'm still going to do what's best for me.

But if you're feeling like you need to get your partner's opinion on everything, because they will be angry with you if you don't, then something is wrong.

It could be as "simple" as a self-esteem issue or some co-dependency problems, but if you're basing your life choices, career options, clothing attire, and lifestyle values around what your partner expects from you or even demands from you, you're being controlled. And that control may very well turn into abuse.

7. You don't want to be around anyone BUT them.

We've all been there: you meet someone, fall madly in love, and want to spend every single second with that person. But usually, we emerge from our little love cocoon and back into the real world. Or, at least, we are supposed to.

In some cases, one person is ready to start branching out and the other person isn't ready to let them. For instance, in my situation, I wanted to hang out with my friends, but my soon-to-be husband threw such a fit about how he would miss me and "why would you leave me all alone on a Friday night?" that I didn't go.

Just as I hadn't gone out with them on Monday for dinner or Wednesday for drinks. The same as why I hadn't gone out with them the weekend before that one, or the weekend before that. And he wasn't telling me that I couldn't go, he was just making me feel so guilty that I was choosing not to go.

So it wasn't abuse, because I was making the choice, right? Wrong. That in and of itself wasn't one of the signs of domestic abuse, but it was a big hint as to what was to come.

If your partner feels secure enough in your relationship that they can respect and support you having a life outside of just them, you're good to go. But if you find yourself slowly cutting off ties to your friends and family, you need to worry that your partner is isolating you.

8. You feel guilty all the time.

This is a big missed sign for a lot of domestic violence victims, yet it's often the single most telling sign that abuse may be in the future. If you're spending the majority of your relationship feeling guilty, you may have a big problem.

The first tool an abuser often uses is to control your feelings by making their victims feel as if everything is their fault. If they are unhappy? It's the victim's fault. If life isn't going the way they want it to be going? It's the victim's fault. If they are "settling" for someone who is less than what they deserve? It's the victim's fault for not being more perfect or "good enough" for them.

Because if everything is the victim's fault, then it's never the abuser's fault. And the abuser doesn't need to feel as if they are doing anything wrong... like abusing you.

We have been taught for years that if someone hits you, you're being abused. But the problem is that by the time someone actually does hit their victim, they have been abused for so long that they are no longer able to see a clear way out.

By then, an abuser has already stolen so much of their victim's self-esteem, taken control over their lives, and separated them from the people who could have helped them, that "just leaving" is no longer as simple as "just" leaving. It's why, if we want to protect ourselves, we need to learn to see the warning signs of abuse before they ever become as visible as a black eye.

For any victims and survivors who need support, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has volunteers available to help 24/7/365.

Call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 for TTY, or if you’re unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522.

More for You on YourTango:

Eden Strong is a regular contributor to many different sites such as Lifetime Moms, XOJane, Scary Mommy, Catster, and Dogster. Follow her on her website.

Is Watching Porn Cheating? NO But It Can Make or Break Your Sex Life

Team LovePanky — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 07:31:00 GMT

What do you think, is watching porn cheating? Or, is it simply a little harmless fun that helps you get in the mood? Let’s explore a little deeper.

Let’s be honest, many men watch porn. However, many women do too. When you don’t watch it too often or use it to develop unrealistic expectations, it can form a part of a healthy sex life. However, many people ask the question, is watching porn cheating?

If you walked in on your boyfriend enjoying himself while watching a porn flick, how would you feel? Would you find it a turn-on, or would you feel somehow betrayed?

After all, if someone is watching porn, they usually don’t know the person on the screen personally, nor are they doing anything with them, are they? They’re simply turned on by the action that’s going on.

Also, if you regularly watch porn yourself, do you feel like you’re cheating on your partner? Or, do you wish that you could share your enjoyment of porn with them?

There’s so much to talk about when it comes to porn and the cheating dilemma, so let’s answer the question first, and get to the details.

[Read: Understanding what micro-cheating is and the unintentional signs you’re doing it]

Is watching porn cheating? The honest truth

Let’s answer this right away before we weigh in on both sides of the issue.

Watching porn is NOT cheating. But it is a BETRAYAL towards your partner. It will hurt your partner. And it will make them think less of themselves.

So while porn isn’t really cheating, it is something that can cause your partner’s self-esteem to plummet, and they’d always wonder if they’re good enough for you. And this, in turn, will affect your relationship negatively, and may even cause a breakup.

So there, we’ve said it. Is porn cheating? No. But can it destroy your relationship? Yes, probably, if you don’t do it right. On the contrary, can it help your relationship too? Yes! And we’ll get to more on this in a bit, so you can understand every single aspect of watching porn.

[Read: 17 of the best naughty sex ideas to spice up your sex life overnight]

Why do people watch porn?

It’s obvious, isn’t it? Whether most of us want to admit it or not, watching one, two *or sometimes more* people getting down and dirty is a bit of a turn-on. It’s that taboo of watching something you’re not supposed to and that makes it even hotter.

There are two reasons why we watch porn:

1. To see sexy naked people

Let’s be honest, when we watch porn, it’s mostly to see naked people in different states of arousal and orgasms *at least for men*. Men and women watch porn because they get aroused watching attractive people undressing and playing with themselves, or with others.

Also, if you’re wondering, is watching porn cheating, this is the biggest reason that causes a rift between two people in a relationship. If you’re watching porn because you find a particular porn star sexually arousing, and your partner knows about this, as “cool” as they are with you watching porn, it could bother them or make them feel insecure.

2. To arouse yourself while watching the scenario

While most men enjoy watching naked women *which is why you’ll see so many guys searching for nude celebrity videos*, almost all men and women do enjoy watching scenes that they have never acted out in real life – role play, threesomes, fantasies, you name it.

There’s a porn clip for every kind of dirty thought you can ever imagine, and if you can’t act it out, you can at least see someone else doing it, and use it as an escape.

It’s kind of like watching a superhero movie, you can never be one in real life, so the least you can do is watch someone else play a superhero in a movie and enoy it!

[Read: The top 50 sex ideas and fantasies that are worth trying at least once in your life]

Porn is pleasurable and fun, in moderation

There are very few people who can honestly say that watching someone have sex on screen doesn’t give them a bit of pleasurable tingle. So, that’s the main reason why people choose to watch porn. [Read: Happy sex life – What a good sex life should look like in real life]

However, it can also be that someone watches too much porn because they’ve become addicted. The thrill you get when watching porn, or the naughty secret of watching something you’re “not supposed to” can be addictive to some. If it gets to that point, for sure, there’s a problem that needs addressing.

Porn isn’t realistic. That’s something else we need to remember. In reality, sex is not as polished as you see on screen.

Porn doesn’t feature odd noises and weird sex faces. That’s why watching too much porn can lead to an unrealistic view of what real sex is like. However, if you only watch it occasionally and enjoy it, where’s the harm? [Read: How to spice up your sex life in 30 sexy ways]

When does porn prompt the same pain as cheating in a relationship?

While watching porn isn’t really cheating, there are some circumstances where it definitely does feel like cheating. At least, your partner would feel that way.

1. When you prefer specific actors

Watching porn isn’t cheating, but if you prefer watching the same actors to arouse yourself or to masturbate to, is it just random anymore?

You’re obviously aroused by a particular person and their naked body. So this isn’t just mindless porn anymore, it’s a sexual crush on someone *even if you probably can’t have sex with them in real life*.

2. When you pay for porn

Some people consider paying for porn to be similar to paying someone to sleep with you. When you pay for porn, it’s not the case of you just watching something casually.

When you pay for it, it becomes an integral part of your lifestyle because you probably spend at least some time everyday using porn to satisfy yourself sexually.

3. You watch people on cams

Cam girls *and guys* are a grey area. And this is extremely close to cheating as well. If you’re interacting with nude people on cams and tipping them to perform sexual actions, you’re creating a sexual interaction. It’s no more about watching someone nude, you’re talking to them and they’re performing specific actions especially for you. [Read: Danger – What to do if you’re suddenly sexually attracted to a friend?]

4. You pay for a subscription like OnlyFans

OnlyFans may be a rage now, and this is as close as porn can come to the typical girl next door from the same neighborhood fantasy, to real life.

If you’re paying to watch acquaintances and people you know personally on their OnlyFans accounts, is that not cheating? You’re obviously sexually attracted to them in real life, and if you could, you probably would meet them in real life and have sex with them as well. [Read: How to stop being attracted to a friend and feel normal again]

5. You follow the actors on social media

It’s one thing to watch porn, but if you follow these actors on social media to keep track of their lives, it isn’t just porn anymore. It’s a crush, and in all probability, you’re sexually attracted to the person and want to know everything you can about them and their lives.

Would you cheat if you could with your fantasy crush?

What’s worse about all of the above scenarios is that you’re probably hiding it from your partner. And when you do this, chances are, you’re cheating, even if only in your mind.

Let’s be honest, when you watch specific Instagram models, cam girls, or porn stars, you’re not having sex with them. But you are deeply sexually aroused by them. You’re not having sex with them, but if you could do it in real life, you’d probably jump at the chance!

If your partner knew about this, they would definitely feel betrayed, or hurt. If you know your partner felt the same way you do about some other person, and that sexy someone makes your partner incredibly horny, you’d feel betrayed as well.

So is porn cheating? Not really, even if you’re thinking of cheating, or you’re fantasizing about cheating with your favorite actors or cam girls, you’re not doing it in person. So it’s not cheating.

BUT you would cheat if you could. And that is some kind of betrayal. Because if you did have the chance to meet this sexual crush of yours in real life *because you were incredibly desirable, rich and famous* and they threw themselves at you, could you hold yourself back?

[Read: What is cheating in a relationship? The honest truth most people ignore]

Porn can bring out our deepest insecurities

Let’s assume you watch porn. And let’s assume you’re in a healthy relationship, and your partner knows you watch porn. What if your favorite kind of porn were “busty girls” or “big dicks”? And now, what if your girl had small breasts? Or what if your guy had a small penis?

You love your partner, and are probably very sexually attracted to them. But if your porn preferences were completely opposite to what your partner is endowed with in real life, chances are, your partner would feel incredibly insecure about their own bodies.

Really, if you like their small boobs, why are you looking for big boobs online? Porn is bad enough with sexy actors and their perfect nude bodies and perfectly bleached crevices, but specific preferences *that your partner isn’t endowed with in real life* can make anyone feel even more insecure about their own bodies.

So again, is watching porn cheating? No. But however subtle you are about your porn preferences, chances are, you will make your partner feel insecure about themselves. [Read: Do you have an insecure girlfriend? 30 signs and ways to help her]

How would you feel about your partner watching porn?

On one hand, you might be sad to find out your partner watches porn. On the other hand, you might be pretty pragmatic about it and understand that maybe it’s just a bit of naughty fun for them. So, is watching porn cheating?

Of course, your answer may be different from our answer, but it’s important to see the different perspectives surrounding this problem. [Read: 10 good reasons why women should watch porn]

When it comes to cheating, everyone has a pretty clear definition of what it is in real life. But how we interact with people has changed. Cheating is defined as when a person in a relationship has sex or emotionally engages with someone outside of their relationship.

It sounds pretty straightforward. But what if the “other” person is a video recording of two people having sex, or a sexy nude person on a cam? Now, this is when things get tricky. [Read: Relationship rules – The 30 must know tips to live your best love life]

Here’s the honest truth, when it comes to cheating, though we have a definition of it, it’s different for everyone. Some people feel that their partner flirting with someone else is cheating. For someone else, it’s a kiss, or it could be when their partner becomes emotionally attached to someone else.

Cheating comes in different forms. Some people can accept their partner physically having sex with someone else, but an emotional attachment crosses the line. It depends on the person’s boundaries.

Can you stop your partner from watching porn?

This is the crazy part. Unlike stopping your partner from cheating on you with your hot neighbor, it’s almost impossible to “stop” anyone from watching porn. It’s so accessible, and it’s everywhere!

You can watch it in bed, at work, on your phone when you’re taking a shower or in the loo, while waiting for the bus or sitting in a cab, literally anywhere! And all you have to do is delete your browser history. It’s that simple.

And even if your partner were to avoid porn sites in every way just to stay “mentally loyal” to you, what about social media? Are you going to ban social media from your partner’s life as well? Instagram, TikTok and other social media apps are getting really naughty as well, and you may not see a sexy person’s naughty bits on a social media feed, but it’s enough to feel like porn!

Men vs women and how they feel about their partner watching porn

Men and women usually view porn in a totally different light. Most men are completely okay if their girlfriend or wife watches porn. They may even get aroused by it, and want to join in.

On the other hand, women usually feel more insecure and are more offended when they find out their husband or boyfriend are watching porn behind their back.

And that just makes watching porn and drawing the line for cheating all the more confusing!

Remember, porn isn’t real but it can still hurt

Porn or some variation of it is here to stay. And as jealous as you may feel about it when you catch your partner pinching and zooming into some hot person’s Insta photo, it’s not real life.

When someone cheats on their partner with another person, that’s real. It physically happened. But porn isn’t real. Both male and female porn actors are paid to perform sexual acts together on screen.And the whole intention of porn is to arouse the viewer.

Porn is designed to create an over-the-top and unrealistic sexual experience for viewers, even if it’s interactive. [Read: These alternatives to porn will help you get hot and wet without it]

Watching porn isn’t cheating. Of course, if your partner awkwardly discovers you watching porn, it’ll be uncomfortable and possibly make them feel insecure, but, it’s not cheating in the traditional sense.

Your partner will probably wonder why they can’t sexually satisfy you and may think that you’re going to cheat on them in the future. But watching porn isn’t cheating as long as you haven’t actually done anything physically or engaged emotionally with the person you’re watching on screen.

But, porn can be a problem in a relationship

If you’re watching porn as a substitute for sex with your partner, then this is a huge warning of something greater happening in your future. If you prefer masturbation over real sex with your partner, that’s a cause for worry as well.

Look at why you’re going to porn for sexual satisfaction instead of choosing sexual intimacy with your partner. This doesn’t mean you’re cheating, but it’s an opening to you overstepping your boundaries in the future. [Read: 5 signs you’re addicted and 15 ways to get over porn ASAP]

Has your relationship suffered because you watch porn? Porn can become a huge problem if you keep it a secret, or if it interferes with your real sex life. Once you have kept something a secret, this creates distrust in the relationship, as your partner wonders what else you’re hiding.

It’s also important to remember that when in a relationship, we all have different sexual needs. And sometimes, our partners aren’t able to provide those needs to us.

For example, maybe you have a specific fantasy that your partner doesn’t want to engage in. Watching porn can offer you the experience without cheating on your partner.

Maybe your partner is sick or not feeling sexual, which is completely fine. But you can still have solo-sex with yourself. Porn can provide you with variety during masturbation, and spice up your solo-sex. [Read: Why do men watch porn? The answer may not be what you think]

Your partner may not see eye to eye with you on this, and that’s okay. But it’s important you sit down with them and explain why you watch porn. If you’re not open and honest with them, that’s when the problems occur.

Of course, with all the easy access we have to porn these days, even on your phone, it would be silly if you have to report to them every single time you open a porn site to pleasure yourself. And that would be an awkward conversation have as well! “Honey, I’m going to take a shower, and I’ll be watching porn for a few minutes in the loo because I’m bored!” somehow doesn’t sound very nice, does it?

Think of it like social media, you use it, your partner knows you use it, and you don’t deny using it. But there are a few things you wouldn’t dream of doing on social media at the risk of hurting your partner – like commenting something sexual to a random sexy person, flirting with someone, or trying to have an online affair, and the like.

And just as you’ve learned to behave on social media, the same rules should apply to porn as well. Don’t cross the line, and if your partner ever feels like porn is getting in the way of your real sex life, perhaps it’s time for a porn sites detox, just as you would do with social media. [Read: Social media addiction – 16 alarming symptoms and how to break out]

Don’t keep porn a secret

Don’t keep your porn a secret; let your partner know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It may help them have a better understanding of your needs.

If your partner isn’t used to watching porn, why don’t you introduce it to them? Many couples watch porn together as foreplay often.

Not to mention, it’s a great way to discover each other’s fantasy and turn-ons. Who knows, maybe you will incorporate what you see in porn into your own sex lives. [Read: Porn for couples and how it could save your relationship]

Instead of watching it alone and hiding porn as a dirty little secret, explore it together with your partner. Once you’re both comfortable with the idea of porn, and feel secure enough to not feel threatened by it, you’ll see that porn can be a really fun part of your sexual arsenal to keep you both aroused and sexually satisfied in bed, for years to come.

The last step – Decide if porn is cheating together as a couple

Porn isn’t cheating. What causes the problems is when you hide your behavior from your partner, or if porn affects your sex life negatively. That’s when feelings of insecurity and distrust arise, which leads to feelings of betrayal.

So, talk to your partner about porn and share your feelings with them. Who knows what they’ll say. Maybe they’ll want to join in with you on the fantasy. [Read: 25 very common porn myths that people still believe]

So what’s the easiest way to fix this? Watch it together. And before you type “big boobs” or “big dick” when your partner is sitting next to you, try to be empathetic. Take turns to pick specific scenarios, or if you believe your partner is particularly insecure about porn, allow them to pick something to watch together.

You need to remember that the biggest cause of feeling betrayed while watching porn is INSECURITY. If you make your partner feel insecure when you watch porn, either by watching something that triggers their insecurity *looking at specific body types they don’t have* or if you can’t have sex with your partner because you’ve had an orgasm watching porn already and just can’t get it up for round two, those are the scenarios when porn can seriously affect your relationship.

So talk about it, watch porn together, and explore sex as a couple. The more your partner learns to trust you, and the more you help them feel secure when you watch porn, the happier both of you will be.

And porn, that’ll just be one more funny, naughty thing you both indulge in, that doesn’t affect your relationship negatively in any way!

[Read: The 15 best female friendly pron sites that are tingingly exciting]

So is watching porn cheating? It’s a tricky situation, but it’s not really classed as cheating. As long as you remember the suggestions on betrayal and insecurity, why not just have a conversation about it with your partner and explore it together?

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Why Your Boyfriend Won't Say 'I Love You' — And What To Do About It

Charly Emery — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 00:30:00 GMT

The feeling of falling in love is like nothing else. Being in love with someone is exciting, intoxicating, uplifting, and heartwarming.

And the next best thing to experiencing true love is declaring those feelings out loud to the man you've fallen for, right?

Well, not always ...

If you say I love you too soon, especially if it's sooner than he’s willing to say those three words in return, his silence can feel insufferable.

In a flash, that easy, comfortable feeling you had in your relationship goes running out the door, while vulnerability, discomfort, and anxiety come rushing inside.

His lack of verbal reciprocation may even cause you to reconsider the value of your relationship altogether.

In truth, a man clearly shows his level of commitment to you when he dates you exclusively, shares himself with you intimately, and does things like consulting with you while planning his schedule.

And yet, there’s a tendency to judge the validity of a relationship, as well as a man’s intention, by his willingness, or lack thereof, to say those three words.

The problem is that doing so can unnecessarily sabotage an otherwise promising new romance, which is why it’s valuable to first understand what may be going on for him on a deeper level.

Here are 3 possible reasons your boyfriend won't say "I love you" that you may not have considered before.

1. He associates saying "I love you" with expectations he isn't ready to fulfill.

Expectations are one of the most deadly threats to relationships because they replace open communication with unspoken presumptions.

Many men associate saying I love you with the onset of new expectations they know they aren't ready to fulfill. Others are simply afraid of what those expectations might be, thus they choose to keep everything moving along pressure-free.

Does that mean your man isn’t willing to give you everything you want? No. In fact, he may already be giving you more than you imagined.

The key is to clarify where he’s at and what his intentions are. Just as some men side-step a boyfriend label while simultaneously being the best boyfriend you’ve ever had, the fear of expectation can inspire a man to express love through action rather than words.

2. He doesn't feel like he can live up to his definition of what saying "I love you" means.

Everyone associates different things with being in love. Your man may associate saying I love you with actions he’s not ready to take, or other conditions he’s not yet experienced yet.

The more honorable your man is, the more important it will be for him to feel like he can live up to his definition of what saying I love you means.

Thus, instead of prematurely pulling out of the emotional investment necessary to yield those three words, find out what professing love means to him specifically.

3. He's genuinely not in love with you.

Just as you can love someone without being in love, fabulous times, passionate kisses and intimate lovemaking don't necessarily equal being in love.

It’s easy to assume that the man who bears his soul to you on a regular basis without wanting anyone else must be in love with you. But as crazy as it sounds, it’s possible for a man to share virtually every aspect of his life with you without being in love with you.

As much as he cares about you, it is possible he's just not in love with you.

While the truth may hurt, it’s important to discern whether he’s closed off to loving you or simply a late bloomer in the falling in love department.

So what should you do if your man won't say I love you?

First, remember that all men and women experience and define love in all different ways. It’s critical for you to refrain from making assumptions when he refrains from saying I love you.

Second, make it a point to learn what your man associates with saying I love you, along with what he believes will be expected of him. Then you’ll have a better understanding of what saying those words mean to him.

Third, check-in with yourself and be sure that you aren’t placing greater emphasis on words than what you’re actually experiencing in your relationship.

While it’s easy to harp on why he won’t say I love you, it’s equally important to understand why you’re placing so much value on him doing so.

More for You on YourTango:

Charly Emery has helped countless men and women boost their satisfaction and well being in life and love, with remarkable speed and clarity. Find out more on her website.

Sexless Relationship: Why Sex Matters & How to Spark Passion Again

Team LovePanky — Wed, 27 Oct 2021 11:04:00 GMT

Do you believe a sexless relationship is possible? We’re always told that sex is important, but is it as important as love and trust?

We can probably all agree that sex is great. It’s probably the one thing that means your relationship is at a serious level. You wait that certain amount of time before finally getting intimate with the one person you trust more than anyone else. You hope that when it happens, it’s going to be mind-blowing.

We all take the moment of sex as the defining point in our relationships. After we’ve had sex with someone, we consider them really important to us. And we consider the relationship confirmed and solidified.

It might not run the full course, and maybe you’ll part ways, but for that time, you’re close and connected as people. [Read: 15 real reasons why your man doesn’t want to have sex]

Why do we think that sex is important?

Because it is! But, it’s not the be-all and end-all. It’s entirely possible to have a relationship without sex and be perfectly happy. It just comes down to the individual and what they want and expect from the relationship.

It could be that you’re asexual and in that case, sex just isn’t something you want to engage in. Finding a partner who understands and accepts that may be difficult but once you do, you can concentrate on building a connection beyond the physical.

So yes, sex is important in a relationship. It helps to bond you together as a couple and it allows you to explore intimacy in a different way. Of course, it’s also important if you choose to have children.

Do we NEED sex? No. But do we want it? Most people do. [Read: How important is sex in a relationship? The truth revealed]

Perhaps we think that sex is extremely important because we’re told it is. There are reasons why sex is great, and we’ll talk about those shortly, but it’s really vital that you pinpoint it for yourself personally.

If you find yourself in a sexless relationship, you first need to ask yourself how you feel about it. Is it fine with you? How about your partner, do they feel fine about it? Communicate and work out where you both stand on the subject. If you’re both happy focusing on quality time together then maybe that’s just how your relationship is going to be.

However, if you find yourself in a relationship without sex and it does bother you, that’s when you need to make some changes. [Read: 15 signs you’re asexual and don’t like getting laid as much as others]

What is a sexless relationship?

It’s easy to define this – A sexless relationship is one where the two partners don’t engage in sexual activities with each other. But as easy as the definition is, it only gets more complicated because we’re all human and different.

There are two kinds of sexless relationships. One, where both partners voluntarily choose to avoid having sex, and are perfectly happy with each other. Take for example, asexuals, who would much rather prefer a romance that’s based on romantic attraction and compatibility than anything else.

On the other hand, we have a sexless relationship where both partners did enjoy having sex with each other, to begin with. But somewhere along the way, one or both of them just stopped enjoying sex with the other person. It could be voluntary or totally unintentional. But with this second kind of sexless relationship, chances are, one or both partners would start to feel sexually dissatisfied, and frustrated with the relationship as a whole. [Read: 20 sexual problems you can easy avoid in a relationship and feel happy again]

Why would two people refrain from sex in a relationship?

There are a lot of reasons two people would decide not to have sex in their relationship. Some may wait until they’re married before they do it. Some may avoid it because they’re asexual and just don’t want to.

Others may get into arguments and decide that they’ll stay together, but without the sex in general. All of these are reasons people choose not to have sex, but will their relationship suffer if they choose to live like this? [Read: Tips on how to survive a sexless marriage]

Overall, each relationship is different, and it depends on what YOU think of sex in a relationship that determines whether or not it can last.

If you think you could be happy without having sex with each other, that’s totally fine. But there are benefits to having sex that you should know about before we go further, so you can understand where a relationship without sex could go wrong in the long run.

1. Sex brings you closer

There’s a bond that is unlike anything else when you have sex. You can spend as much time as you want going to the movies and cuddling with someone, but it will never amount to how beneficial sex is.

When you’re in a relationship, you have to be really close to your partner. You have to know them better than anyone else because that is what makes your relationship last a long time. And sex is a HUGE part of making that happen. [Read: Sex in a relationship – What it means to a woman]

2. It makes you empathtic toward the other person

When you get intimate in a way that involves sex, it’s really difficult not to feel what the other person is feeling when it comes to your emotions. Therefore, having sex can make you more empathetic toward your partner.

Not only does this make you feel connected to them, but it also can prevent arguments and hurting each other. When you are sexually active with someone, it makes it really difficult to hurt them in any way – which can make your relationship much stronger. [Read: Sexless marriage – how erotica saved my life]

3. It reduces stress and tension

We all know how much stress and tension can add to the downfall of a relationship. Stress leads to outbursts that may cause harm to the other person’s feelings, and that can get bottled up until they no longer want to be with you.

When you have sex with them, you’re reducing that stress and tension and allowing yourself to relax with them. This is extremely beneficial to making a relationship last. However, there are other ways of reducing stress that doesn’t always involve sex. [Read: 14 incredible benefits of sex that’ll make you want more]

4. It can increase your self-esteem

Having confidence and high self-esteem in a relationship is an extremely vital part of making a relationship last, because it stops the jealousy and accusations.

When you have sex with your partner, it makes you feel loved, good about yourself, and you feel as if they really care about you.

Feeling all of those things from your partner is what makes a relationship last for a long time. Without it, you may start to wonder how they feel. [Read: When your partner isn’t interested in sex anymore]

5. It creates affection

How long do you think a relationship can last without affection? When your partner doesn’t walk up to you, give you a hug or a kiss on the forehead, or tell you how much you mean to them, the relationship is likely to fizzle out pretty quickly.

Sex can make that affection happen. When you sleep with someone, you automatically feel affectionate toward them.

Many couples that are struggling with affection are told to have more sex, because it is such a big part of being affectionate toward each other! [Read: Emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy – The chicken or the egg?]

6. But, know that sex isn’t love

Having sex with someone doesn’t translate to you loving them. You can be completely in love with someone and never even touch them in a sexual way.

Therefore, you can definitely have a relationship based entirely on love if you both have the mindset where sex isn’t something you even want to do to show your love. That is one case when a sexless relationship may work. [Read: Panromantic asexual – What it is and what it isn’t]

7. Not having sex can make you question their feelings

If you don’t have sex with your partner, it can be hard to remember how passionately they feel about you. There’s really nothing that’s reinforcing the fact that they find you attractive, sexy, or even that they like you.

When you don’t have sex, it can be really easy to forget how someone feels about you – especially if they’re not good at showing their feelings in the first place. Many sexless relationships don’t last simply because they no longer think their partner has feelings for them.

8. Sex makes you feel like a unit

One of the most important things regarding making a relationship last is acting as though you’re a unit. You have to be connected with someone in a way that feels like you’re just one complete package.

When you have sex, you get that feeling. It’s like you’re just one complete unit and no one can split you apart. When you have a sexless relationship, you can become too separate, and that can drive a rift between the two of you. [Read: How to create sexual chemistry and make it stay]

9. Not having sex also gets rid of the pressure

There is a good part about not having sex, though, that can make a sexless relationship worth a try. When you don’t have sex, you get rid of all that pressure to perform well, please your partner sexually, and even groom yourself to look good for their liking.

You get to relax and be who you are, and you don’t have to be self-conscious about those different things when you’re in a sexless relationship.

But is that enough to make a sexless relationship last a lifetime? [Read: 10 reasons why passionate love can be the strongest love of all]

What if you’re in a sexless relationship and you’re not happy?

Some couples find themselves stuck in a sexual rut. That can lead to sex simply, well, stopping. So, what should you do if you and your partner have just stopped having sex. Or, maybe one partner just doesn’t want it as much as the other and the frequency dwindles?

This is a time when communication is vital.

It could be that you’re totally misunderstanding each other on a key subject and it’s causing one or both of you to hold back. Talk about how you feel but make sure that you embark upon the conversation in a blame-free, loving way.

Use statements such as “I feel …”, rather than “you make me”, or “ you never want to have sex anymore”. [Read: How to have a difficult conversation without losing your nerve]

It could also be that you simply need to focus on making sex a little more exciting. When you’ve been together for a long time, it’s easy to get stuck in a sexual rut and end up following the same tried and tested routine. It becomes boring!

Try new things, talk about your fantasies, and give them a go! Introduce toys into the bedroom, or try dirty talk. There are countless things you can do to spice up your sex life, you simply need to break out of the same routine. Use any of these 50 unique ways to experiment with sex and reignite the passion slowly, without trying too many of these things all at once.

But most importantly, even before you try anything at all, talk to each other. When you feel comfortable talking about your issues, problems, and your sex life as well, everything will start to feel different and your sexless marriage will slowly blossom into one that’s sexually exciting and passionate as well.

[Read: How to get your partner to talk about sex and feel horny as they do it]

Could a sexless situation mean the end of your union?

If none of that works and you’re unhappy with the fact that you’re in a sexless relationship, you have to sit down and do some soul-searching.

How important is sex in a relationship to you? If your partner isn’t willing to compromise or even acknowledge your feelings, then it may be that the two of you are no longer compatible. Again, communication is key here but you should also zone in on how the relationship is making you feel.

[Read: 30 innocent-sounding but very naughty questions to ask your partner and get the sexual sparks flying]

All in all, whether or not a sexless relationship can last is completely up to the couple and what they value in a relationship. However, you can’t ignore the benefits of having sex in your relationship.

Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.

How to Be a Sugar Daddy: What a Girl Expects & What You Should Know

Team LovePanky — Wed, 27 Oct 2021 10:06:00 GMT

Learning how to be a sugar daddy isn’t as simple as just deciding to be one. You need to know the rules, the basics, and what to expect from it.

The world is full of different versions of normal. What is normal anyway? As long as two *or more people* people are happy with their situation and nobody is being hurt, the law isn’t being broken, then where’s the harm in doing things a little differently? If you want to learn how to be a sugar daddy, you’re simply embarking upon a less conventional type of relationship, that’s all.

The so-called “regular relationships” don’t fit for everyone. Not everyone feels comfortable in a relationship that would be considered mainstream. Why force yourself into something that just doesn’t work for you?

But, that doesn’t mean you should enter into any arrangement without doing your research first. You need to know what you’re getting into. You need to know the reality behind it all. When you do that, you can be sure that you’re going for an option that’s right for you.

[Read: How to spot girls who are gold diggers so you know what to do]

Wait, what is a sugar daddy?

The typical explanation of a sugar daddy may not flatter many, but it’s really about how you interpret it. in popular culture, a sugar daddy is an older man who gives money and gifts to a much younger woman. In return, the woman keeps him company and, in many cases, sleeps with him too. Not always, but often.

Many women fall in love with their sugar daddy, but others don’t. It really depends upon the two people involved in the arrangement as to how far they’ll allow it to go.

A sugar daddy can be any type of guy. It can be a businessman who just doesn’t have the time to have a dedicated relationship. So instead, he has a sugar baby, the name given to the younger woman, to offer companionship and anything else that they decide to do together, consensually.

[Read: Being a sugar baby – The 13 sugar rules to follow to be the sugariest]

Things to know before learning how to be sugar daddy

Before we get into the technicalities of how to be a sugar daddy, you need to learn the basics.

1. Understand that this is an agreement

When you’re in a sugar relationship, it isn’t a committed relationship. We’re not saying feelings cannot develop, but generally, this is something that develops within the sugar relationship.

In the beginning, you and your sugar baby may go for coffee or dinner where you test the chemistry. Then, talk about an arrangement.

Understand from the beginning that you don’t own your sugar baby nor are they committed to you outside of the arrangement. [Read: 19 unrealistic expectations that can ruin your love life]

2. Know what you want

When making the arrangement, tell your potential sugar baby everything that you want from the relationship. Do you want it to be a sexual relationship?

If so, how far would you like it to go? This needs to be extremely clear when you’re talking to your sugar baby. They need to clearly state what they’re willing and unwilling to do. You can decide if you want to proceed or not. [Read: Dating a younger woman? 10 things an older man should know]

3. What are you going to offer?

You also need to know what you’re going to offer your potential sugar baby. What are you able to provide them? It can be cash, shoes, clothing, trips.

Be clear with yourself on what you can provide and then clear with the sugar baby on what you’re able to offer. Don’t present yourself as something you’re not.

Make sure your offerings fit in your budget – you don’t want to promise her a monthly trip on a fancy yacht, if you can’t afford it. It’ll just leave both of you with a bitter experience.

4. Always be honest

If you lie, you’re going to get yourself into a boatload of trouble. If you want to know how to be a sugar daddy and do it right, you need to be 100% honest when negotiating with your sugar baby.

This is a relationship based on fulfilling each other’s needs, so, you have to be completely open and honest with what you’re able to provide and what you’re wanting to receive.

5. Take it slowly

When you’re a first-time sugar daddy, it can be really exciting, and you probably want to jump into bed right away. Don’t do it.

If you want to be a successful sugar daddy, you need your sugar baby to become comfortable around you. You don’t know who they are on a first date and vice versa, so, take your time and go on a couple of dates before making a move. [Read: 13 lusty signs of sexual attraction you need to keep an eye on]

6. Keep the boundaries

Remember when we spoke about being honest and expressing your needs when making the arrangement? Good, you were paying attention. The arrangement you made, that boundary needs to be firmly in place.

It’s best if you have in writing the expectations of the relationship, that way, you both know where the boundaries are. If both of you want to change the boundaries, then you both need to agree on it. [Read: Understand boundaries in dating and how far is too far]

7. Put in an effort

When you’re on a date with your sugar baby, you need to put in effort. Naturally, there needs to be an emotional and physical connection between you and your sugar baby which means you get to know them on a personal level.

If you want to have a fulfilling relationship, you need to work on making the other person happy and vice versa. So, why not have her actually like you? The same goes for the other way around as well.

8. Be respectful

You need to be respectful with your sugar baby. Some people feel that they’re buying time, and thus, can treat their sugar baby however they want, but it doesn’t work like that.

Yes, a sugar relationship isn’t necessarily a traditional relationship, and she’s probably in it for the money, but that’s not the point. This isn’t just a business transaction, this is a relationship with another human being. [Read: How to show respect in a relationship and love each other better]

9. It’s not all about the money

You may feel like you need to “get your money’s worth,” but that’s not how you should view the relationship. At the end of the day, it’s a relationship. Of course, you have money and the sugar baby has the sexy goods, but it shouldn’t feel like a transaction.

This relationship is about fulfilling each other’s needs; don’t think of it as much different from buying your girlfriend lingerie once a month.

10. Be patient

Finding the right sugar baby for you isn’t going to be as easy as you think. You want someone that you connect with, so, this may take a couple of dates with a couple of different sugar babies.

What you need to do is be patient. The right sugar baby will come! One that likes the arrangement and feels a connection with you. [Read: How to forge an emotional connection by being more empathetic]

11. Remember, you don’t own them

It’s really important to emphasize this – just because you have a sugar relationship doesn’t mean you own your sugar baby. They can cut the arrangement any time they like, or you can cut it as well. You are your own person and so is your sugar baby. So, if you want your name to have a good rep, then remember this the next time you go on a date.

The specifics of how to be a sugar daddy

So, now you know the general guidelines of being a sugar daddy and what it’s all about, let’s delve into some of the specifics you probably want to learn about. You want to know how to be a sugar daddy, so let’s talk about the important subjects. [Read: Your inside guide to what having a sugar mommy really means]

1. How old is a typical sugar daddy?

There is no actual age range, but the majority of sugar daddies are anywhere between 45 to 60. Obviously, they will have sugar babies who are much younger, typically in their mid-20s. However, these are just averages and you will find sugar relationships that vary in age. The only accepted idea is that the guy is quite a bit older than the woman.

Of course, you can also find sugar relationships that aren’t between men and women – some are two men, two women, there are no gender rules or definitions to sugar relationships. Just whatever feels right and what both agree to.

2. How rich does a sugar daddy need to be?

There are no numbers to offer here. You simply need to put forth what you’re willing to offer and make sure that you can commit to it and afford it.

If your sugar baby agrees and it’s affordable for you, that’s all you need to know. It also depends on how often you’re going to see your sugar baby and how you’re going to pay them, e.g. a monthly retainer or for individual visits. [Read: When does age difference in relationships matter?]

3. How do sugar daddies normally pay their sugar babies?

Again, this comes down to what you want and what your sugar baby is happy with. You need to agree together on the terms.

You can either pay monthly, e.g. a retainer, or you can pay for every time you see them. Whichever option you’re agreeing to, make sure you stick to the terms and that you have it written down in some kind of contract.

4. How can you find a sugar baby?

Most prospective sugar daddies head online to find their sugar baby. There are dedicated sites that work to pair up sugar relationship partners and it could be that you need to meet up with several, online and in person, before you find the right one.

It could be that you know someone with who you would like to propose a sugar relationship. That could be a difficult conversation to have if you’re not sure if they’d be agreeable to it.

The only advice, in that case, is to be honest. Talk about what you’re looking for and ask openly whether they’d be interested. Explain that you won’t be offended or upset if they aren’t interested because they need to be 100% onboard if you’re going to move ahead.

Because of the difficulty in finding a serious sugar baby in regular life, many sugar daddies do tend to stick to websites that are dedicated to these types of relationships. [Read: Dating someone younger than you – 12 ways to make it easier]

Is the sugar daddy lifestyle for you?

Now you know how to be a sugar daddy, how do you feel about it? Is it something you’d like to move forward with and try for yourself? Before you even attempt anything, make sure that you know for sure what you want and what you’re willing to offer. You need to be completely honest with yourself and not make promises that you know you can’t keep.

Your sugar relationship needs to begin on the right footing and that means open and honest communication. Once you find someone who you feel fits well as your sugar baby, you may just find that this is an arrangement that benefits the both of you and brings great happiness.

[Read: 16 things that make a girl a good sugar baby]

Now that you know how to be a sugar daddy, what are you thinking? Going to try your hand at it? Or let someone else test it out?

Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.

How To Be Happy Single And Thrive In 12 Simple Steps

Adam Lodolce — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 14:00:55 GMT

Are you struggling to be happy as a single woman?

Whether you just came out of a long-term relationship or you’ve been single for the majority of your life, being a single woman can have some negative connotations. Your family might be convincing you that you’re running out of time to start a family. Movies might make you believe that your happiness depends on being in a relationship. Maybe you’re the kind of woman who has always struggled with being on your own.

But learning how to be single and happy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.

Why?

Because your happiness should not depend on your relationship status.

And if you’re not enjoying the single life, chances are it’s because you don’t yet realize how liberating and beautiful it can be.

So, are you ready to discover how to be happy being single?

Firstly, remind yourself of the benefits of being single

I could tell you about the joys of being single until the end of time. Looking for facts to back up my claims? I’ve got plenty of those for you.

Studies show that single people are likely to be fitter and healthier and have lower stress levels, and being in a bad relationship can lead to you becoming physically unhealthy. Single people tend to be thinner while being in a relationship leads to people gaining an average of 14 extra pounds. You also sleep better when you’re single, and single women reportedly have better mental health than married women.

My take on these stats? Being in an unhealthy relationship can cause major health issues, and sadly, a large percentage of people are just in bad relationships.

You can do whatever you want when you want

Relationships are all about compromising and ensuring each other’s needs are met. But when you’re single, you have no one to think about apart from YOURSELF. Many women think it’s wrong to be selfish sometimes, but you must make yourself a priority in your life. You should ALWAYS come first, and being single allows you to practice this.

If you want to order pizza at 2 AM, you can. If you want to drop everything and book a last-minute vacation to Hawaii, you can. And if you want to move towns, cities, or even continents, you can.

You get to know yourself on a deeper level

Have you ever taken the time to figure out who you truly are and what you want from life?

And if you have, when was the last time you checked in with yourself?

We are changing and evolving every second of every day. The woman you are today is different from the woman you were yesterday. If you put all your focus on your partner or your kids, it can stunt your growth. And it’s easy for the lines to blur and not know where you start and the other person begins.

But being single forces you to meet yourself on a deeper level—there’s no one to hide behind.

You have time and space to figure out what you want in a partner

Do you even know what you want from a relationship?

When was the last time you sat down and got clear on the kind of man you want to attract into your life?

Step #2 of my Little Love Steps centers on creating your love vision and reflecting deeply on the man and relationship compatible with your future.

You can work on enriching all the other areas of your life

Being single allows you to put your energy into all the other parts of your life that often get ignored when you’re coupled up. Your work, hobbies, interests, friends, and family. There’s a tendency for people to make out like relationships are EVERYTHING. But having a romantic relationship is just one part of life.

When you’re single, you have so much more time and energy to devote to all the other parts. This is how you become a happier, more fulfilled, and inspiring woman.

Being single encourages you to evolve

Being in a relationship is often more comfortable for people than being alone.

Why?

Because your partner becomes your excuse for not facing or addressing your own thoughts, beliefs, dreams, and fears.

But when you’re single, you have no choice but to face and meet yourself. This will lead to you taking better care of yourself on all levels: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

And if being on your own makes you uncomfortable, embracing this discomfort will lead to inner growth and confidence.

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How to be happy single when all your friends are in relationships

One of the most challenging parts of being single is when EVERYONE around you is coupled up and seemingly smitten with their SOs. Every week, it seems like someone in your life finds their soulmate, gets married or has a baby. Meanwhile, you’re still a single pringle. And this can leave you feeling like you’re somehow failing at life. You start wondering why everyone else has found someone, and you haven’t. Maybe you begin to feel undesirable or unloveable. And perhaps it feels like you’re missing out on this amazing thing that everyone else is getting to experience.

But here’s what I want you to know:

You are desirable.

You are loveable.

And you are on your own journey here.

If your friends are all settling down, be happy for them. But also recognize and accept that you are not them. You are on a different path, and the ultimate destination is not a relationship. So quit comparing yourself to everyone else.

The next most important piece of advice I have for you is to start spending time with more single people. I don’t mean you have to ditch ALL your non-single friends instantly, but make sure you’re surrounding yourself with people who are in a similar place in life to you and can relate to your experiences.

Here’s my advice on how to be single

1. Firstly, figure out why being single bothers you

If every part of your body HATES being single, it’s time to figure out WHY being alone bothers you so much.

Are you afraid of being alone with your thoughts?

Do you use relationships as a security blanket?

Are you placing your happiness on someone else?

Do you feel like you’re not enough on your own?

When you’re not in a relationship, do you feel lonely?

Make a list of everything that you dislike about being single.

When you’re done, go through each line you wrote and think about why you feel this way. Where does this thought or belief originate? And is it true?

Next, write a list of why being single is AWESOME (because it is).

2. Schedule in regular alone time

If you don’t enjoy being on your own, you might tend to fill the void of a relationship with anything and everything else. But one of the best ways to learn how to be happy single and alone is to force yourself to spend quality time with yourself.

So be sure to schedule in regular alone time. Get to know yourself intimately—even if it scares you.

3. Be happy single by practicing gratitude

The only way to draw more opportunities, abundance, and love into your world is to appreciate everything you already have. What you appreciate grows.

So, what do you have to be grateful for today?

Start with the fact that you’re here right now reading this. That’s more than a lot of people could wish for.

Even if you don’t have the relationship you desire, recognize that you have plenty to be thankful for.

4. Remember that you are in control of your happiness

“The belief that your happiness hinges on an external circumstance that you can’t control (i.e., meeting a romantic partner) not only makes it harder to find love, but it also sets you up for unhappiness. Letting go of the maddening myth that happiness comes from coupling up is the first step to freedom. Stressing out about meeting someone will not help you meet that person any faster. The healthiest way to increase your chances of finding love is to increase your happiness, right now.”

―Jenny Taitz, author of How to Be Single and Happy.

I want you to know that nobody out there can make you happy. That’s on you. It always has been, and it always will be. So think about what YOU can do today to feel happier within.

I’m famous for telling the women in my mastermind program that the moment you become truly happy being single is the exact moment an amazing man will pop into your life and make you UNsingle. It’s always the way!

5. Make peace with your past

If you’re wondering how to be happy single after a breakup, it’s all about making peace with past relationships and letting go of anger, hurt, or resentment towards your exes.

Accept what happened, learn what you can from the lessons, and walk into new experiences as the woman you are today. Not yesterday. Not last month. TODAY.

If you’re struggling with this step, explore working with a therapist or dating coach.

6. Avoid putting your life on hold while you wait for Mr. Right to show up

If you were in a relationship tomorrow with the man of your dreams, how would you live your life differently?

Would you feel sexier?

Would you travel more and see the world?

Maybe you’d start a family.

Whatever it is that you’re waiting to do, start working on it NOW. The family one might sound wild, but you have options as a woman today if you’re worried about running out of time to have kids.

7. Do some soul searching

Do you know who you are and what you want?

When was the last time you asked yourself that question?

Figure out what you need to do to be happy today. Take the time to connect with your intuition, discover what you truly want from life, what your love and attachment styles are, and how you communicate. The more you follow your most authentic path, the more likely you will meet people who align with the kind of future you want to build.

8. How to be happy single: love yourself first

The number one thing I teach all the women I work with is to focus on themselves before looking for love.

Why?

Because YOU are the most important relationship, you will EVER have. Love yourself the way you’d love someone you deeply care about. Practice self-compassion. Take care of yourself. Appreciate your body. Explore your sensuality. Treat yourself to a beautiful bouquet of your favorite flowers. Take yourself on a date.

9. Cultivate real independence

Too many people jump from one relationship straight into the next one. When their relationship ends, they feel so lost because they’ve become completely attached to that person or even codependent. They’ve forgotten who they are as an individual.

So now is the time to cultivate independence. Do things on your own that you usually wouldn’t (like go to a festival). Figure something out that you’d usually ask for help with (like changing a tire on your car). Create a rich, vibrant life that makes you feel sovereign and empowered.

Do this, and you’ll go into new relationships purely because you want to, not because you think you need to.

10. Try new things

You have more free time to play with when you’re single because you don’t have to work around someone else’s schedule. So make the most of this while you can. Take classes in the evenings. Try new hobbies at the weekend. Wake up early and hit the gym. Explore that side hustle that has been on your mind forever. Travel more. Do something you always loved doing as a child.

This is a brilliant opportunity to finally try all those things on your bucket list. And who knows who you’ll meet on your way?

11. Enjoy your freedom

I cannot stress this one enough. The best way to learn how to be happy single is to ENJOY the freedom you have to do precisely what you want when you want, and with whoever you want.

I see too many people complaining about their single status when they should be cherishing it.

EARTH TO SINGLE WOMEN EVERYWHERE: You’re not sick, you’re SINGLE!

12. How to be happy single when you want a relationship: start meeting new people

Is it possible to learn how to be happy single when you deeply crave a relationship?

Yes.

Do everything on this list to reach a place where you feel comfortable and confident being on your own but are still open to love.

Once you’re there, take control of your love life and put yourself out there. In my Love Accelerator program, I encourage every woman to set a weekly social score for herself. Each week, you commit to going to a set number of events, meetups, or dates. If you want something in life, you need to take action and pursue it. Love is no exception.

Embrace the single life

There’s a reason why you’re single right now. You’re on a journey of self-discovery, healing, and evolution. Your job right now is to do the inner work to become the woman you’re meant to be. And when you do, you’ll find your way to Mr. Right.

Relationships are incredible, but they are no replacement for your own love and acceptance. If you’re single, you owe it to yourself to use this time to deepen your relationship with yourself.

What’s the thing you struggle with most about being single? Let me know in the comments below.

PS. If you’re ready to start making men pursue you for love, then join me on this free webinar to discover the 3 steps to building emotional attraction – Register here to get started (it’s 100% free).

Dating A Man With Kids? 17 Things You Need To Know Before Committing

Adam Lodolce — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 14:00:45 GMT

Are you considering dating a man with kids? A 2015 study found that 12% of women would not date a guy who has kids, which means the overwhelming majority would be open to it.

Most of us grow up with a rigid belief of what the perfect relationship should look like: the whirlwind romance, a fairytale wedding, followed by an angelic set of kids (ideally a boy and a girl). But more often than not, life doesn’t mirror our lofty expectations. Life is messy, it’s unpredictable, and it’s unique for all of us.

When you were younger, you might have learned that dating someone with kids is no-go territory. But as you get older, the chances of meeting a man you’re attracted to who already has kids increases, and you may begin to question your original beliefs.

“So he has kids… what’s the big deal?”

“This is a great sign because at least I know he likes kids!”

“He already has kids, which is fabulous because I don’t want to have any of my own.”

“I’ve already got kids, and there’s plenty of room in my heart to love a couple more.”

But other people will have things to say about it too. Your family and friends might tell you you’re crazy for taking on this kind of responsibility, while other stepmoms and dads rush to give you their advice.

If you’ve never dated a man with kids before, this will be a wildly different experience that requires a lot of adjustment. And even though they’re not your kids, they will affect every part of your relationship with this man.

Will it be a learning curve?

Yes.

Will it be complicated?

Yes.

But will it be worth it?

Only you can make that decision.

Pros of dating a man with kids

He is used to having kids (which is perfect if you want kids in the future or already have your own).
He is committed to his kids, which means he’s not a stranger to commitment.
He won’t be interested in wasting time—if he can’t see a future with you, he’ll be open about it and move on.
If he loves his kids fiercely, then he’s likely to love you just as deeply.
He’ll probably want to take things slow and not rush into anything.

Cons of dating a man with kids

His kids will always come first.
You’ll have to work around his and the kids’ schedules.
You’ll likely have to deal with the kids’ mom (his ex) your entire relationship.
Everything will be loud, messy, and chaotic (welcome to having kids)!
You’ll have to learn how to parent while also recognizing you’re not their mom.

I’ve created this article so you can walk into this situation (or run away from it) with your eyes WIDE open. There are many pros and cons, but you know who you are better than anyone else does, so only you will know whether dating a man with kids is right for you.

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Here are 17 things to expect when dating a man with kids

1. The kids have a mom who is NOT you

Chances are this guy has an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend who is the mother of his kids. And whether you like this woman or not, she will be in your life as long as this man is.

The way she parents will affect you and the way you co-parent. And you will never be a replacement for the kid’s real mom.

This is what people mean when they talk about the “baggage” of dating a man with kids. You’re not just getting him; you’re getting his kids, his ex, and everything that comes along with that unit.

2. A lot will be out of your control

There will be a custody schedule that you have to fit into, along with school runs, homework, extra-curricular activities, loud temper tantrums, and more. Your evenings, weekends, and vacation times will all be dictated by the kids’ existing schedules.

No more dropping everything and booking a spontaneous, romantic weekend getaway. No more two-week vacations outside of school holidays. No more doing what you want, whenever you want to.

This is what dating a man who is busy with kids will look like. This won’t be a negative thing for some women, especially if you have kids. But it’s important to know what you’ll be sacrificing.

“If you are someone who wants to travel and never live in the same place, but the person you’re thinking of dating wants to be close-by for his kids, that’s something to consider,” says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D.—sex and relationship expert.

3. Your friends and family may disapprove

Be prepared for EVERYONE to have a strong opinion on why you shouldn’t be dating a man with kids.

No matter what anyone says, there is still a stigma around dating a man who already has kids—particularly if you don’t have kids of your own. Relationships are hard enough but throw in objections and comments from others, and things rapidly become more complex.

If you’re already debating whether you should date a man with kids, disapproval from others may sway your decision. But if you can see a future with this man and have room in your heart to accommodate his kids, then don’t let anyone else stand in the way of that. Trust your intuition.

4. You’ll need to be patient

There will be times when he has to cancel plans with you or can’t answer a phone call or text you back promptly. There will be moments when he isn’t able to be there for you when you need him because his kids need him at that moment too. And this can lead to a lot of disappointment or even resentment.

Dating a man with kids requires patience and a TON of it.

If you’re a single parent too, it’s essential to think about whether you’ll have time for each other along with being there for both sets of kids.

5. He may be rusty at romance

Depending on how recent his breakup was, you might be the first woman this man has dated in a long time. And that means he might be a little out of the romance game.

For example, he may struggle to express his feelings, say “I love you,” or be affectionate. He may have forgotten what you need and want as a woman. His house might be a total bachelor’s pad!

If you ever feel a little unappreciated, sit down and talk to him about it. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll want to do better for you.

6. His kids will ALWAYS come first

You may have heard this before, but I want you to really digest this.

The most significant difficulty dating a man with kids is that his kids will always be his number one priority. And they should be. This is the sign of a great dad, and why would you want to date a guy who’s a bad dad?

This doesn’t mean that you won’t mean a lot to him or that he won’t care about you, but his kids come first. If you’re a parent, you’ll already understand this. You will be a priority to this man, but you won’t be his top priority.

I’m not saying you should let him treat you poorly or let this be an excuse for him not pulling his weight in your relationship, but there will be times he won’t be able to do what you want him to do. And you need to be okay with that.

7. Don’t meet the kids unless things are serious

If you decide to date a man with kids, remember that meeting his kids is a BIG deal and not something you should rush into. Unless you see a future with this guy and are happy where things are headed, hold off on being introduced. The kids have already witnessed the breakdown of their parents’ relationship—you don’t want to put them through that for a second time. It’s easy for kids to become attached to people, so only walk into their lives if you’re planning on sticking around for the long haul.

Some people swear by waiting until the six-month mark, while others stay away until they’re engaged (WHAT?!). Truth be told, there’s no perfect time—just make sure you feel comfortable. We recommend waiting until you’re at least in Little Love Step #7 before meeting his children.

8. Let the kids trust you in their own time

While we’re on this subject, his kids need to be ready to meet you too. Have your partner talk to them about meeting you beforehand, so they’re not shocked. Take their feelings into consideration.

How well are they coping with their parent’s divorce? How long ago was the separation? Are they ready to have someone new in their life? Dating a recently divorced man with kids will be tough.

This isn’t just a big deal for you; it’s a massive deal for them too.

Regardless of where their heads are at, let them open up to you in their own time. Don’t force or rush anything. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or go into meeting them for the first time with sky-high expectations. The first time you meet them could be wonderful, but it could also be a disaster. Be prepared for both.

9. Don’t try to be their mother

If you’re dating a man with kids, you have to remember that these kids already have a mother, which means they’re not looking for another one. So don’t try to be another mom to them. Avoid slipping into the role of a strict disciplinarian and equally avoid the other extreme where you let them walk all over you. Find a comfortable spot somewhere in the middle and stay authentic to who you are.

10. But you have to build a relationship with his children eventually

If your relationship with this man progresses the way you want it to, then you’ll need to be prepared to build a relationship with his kids eventually. They will automatically become a part of your life. So don’t shy away from this. Make an effort to communicate with them and gradually forge a connection.

11. He needs to set some boundaries

If you’re dating a man with kids, it’s important that he sets boundaries with his kids. It’s normal for them to act out and try and get away with everything using the excuse that “you’re not our mom.” As they get older, girls, in particular, may feel threatened by having another woman around.

But if his kids are ever disrespectful to you, it’s important he calls them out and makes it clear this is not okay. He needs to set the right tone from the start, so you both know what is and is not acceptable. There should be a mutual level of respect.

12. Let him handle all parenting matters with his ex

Whatever you do, DON’T get involved between this man and his ex, whether it’s to do with a custody battle, parenting styles, schedules, or anything else. Let him take care of his own business and save yourself the headaches! They are both grown adults and are more than capable of sorting things out between themselves.

13. Have an honest conversation about money

When you’re dating a man with kids (or any man really), it’s essential to have a conversation about money. I’m famous for saying you should NEVER date a guy who doesn’t have money, and this is no exception. But if he has kids, you might need to have this conversation sooner than usual, so you can get a clear idea of where his finances are.

Is he paying child support, and how much? Does he have any outstanding debts to lawyers etc.? Even if he has a great job, he might still be in a financial pickle. And you need to think about how this will affect you and the life you want to live with him.

14. Talk about marriage and kids sooner rather than later

Do you want those things?

Does he want to do those things again?

Are you on the same page when it comes to these big lifestyle choices and values?

Because if you’re not, it’s better to call it quits now rather than build a relationship with his kids only to walk away in the not-so-distant future.

15. It will be harder than you imagine

When you’re on the outside looking in, it’s easy to plan and strategize and figure out how you’ll address all the potential issues that could arise.

But guess what?

Real life isn’t as black and white as that.

When you’re actually in the moment and living through something, your emotions will also come into play, along with other people’s emotions. This complicates things pretty quickly!

Every woman I’ve spoken to who has dated a man with kids is transparent that it has been harder than they expected it would be.

16. There will be times you feel like you have no clue what you’re doing

If you’ve never dated a man with kids before, then it’s normal to feel like you don’t know what you’re sometimes doing! When have you ever been great at something the first time you did it, right?

That rarely happens.

So get comfortable being a little uncomfortable in this new situation. Give yourself permission to get things wrong, to fail, and to find your rhythm in your own sweet time. Trust that this transition period will eventually pass, and things will get better.

17. Lean in fully to the challenge

Dating a man with kids could easily be up there with the most challenging things you’ll ever do in your life. But women who have embraced the challenge will also tell you it’s one of the most rewarding experiences out there. Maybe dating or marrying a guy with two kids wasn’t in your five-year life plan, but how often does life pan out the way you expect it to?

If you’re prepared to fully embrace this man and these kids and integrate them into your life, then this could be one of the best decisions you ever make.

Conclusion: dating a man with kids is different for every woman

Be wary of taking advice from any woman you know who has dated a man with kids or become a stepmom. You might hear stories of it being a summer’s-day stroll in the park and how the kids accepted her as if she were their real mom. The danger of this is that you then expect things to pan out similarly for you. And if they don’t, you could end up with a heavy dose of reality.

Dating a man with kids requires you to go into it with ZERO expectations. This is the only way you’ll avoid disappointment.

If you’ve dated a man with kids or are thinking of dating a man with kids, I’d love to hear from you. What was your #1 lesson learned? What turned out differently than you expected?

Or what are you most apprehensive about? What are you most looking forward to?

Tell me all in the comments below.

If You Want to Have Sex, Listen

John Gorman — Wed, 30 Jun 2021 17:24:30 GMT

You want to know what the perfect partnership is? The perfect partnership mostly makes us feel safe, but sometimes thrills us. People enjoy feeling safe most of the time, and thrilled some of the time — yet only if we’re ready for it and wanting it.

I can expand on this further for you if you like, yet, since I’m the kind of long-winded prick who dropped a 327-minute read last week, of course I’ll continue.

The perfect partnership is actually four things:

Two people who really, really enjoy hanging out with each other.
Two people who like each other the same amount.
Two people who express their love for each other in the way the other prefers to receive it.
Two people who enjoy fucking each other immensely.

That’s all we’re all looking for. Maybe that didn’t take. Let me frame it in something else we all crave besides, and even more than, sex: let’s use food as an example.

Imagine the perfect dish. It contains a flavor profile: Savory, salt, sweet, bright (sour, citrus), spice.

Two people who enjoy hanging out with each other? Well, you’d want to savor your time with them, no?

Ever over-salt a dish and it makes you recoil in disgust? That recoil is avoidant attachment. Ever under-salt a dish and wish it could be more than what it is? That’s anxious attachment. Secure lies in between … perfectly salted.

Ever express your love for someone in a way they prefer to receive it? Wow, that’s mighty sweet of you. Ever receive love from someone who expressed it in the way you wanted it? That’ll brighten your day. Sweet-and-sour.

Great sex? Guess what … that’s the spice.

That’s what we’re all after. That delicious, nutritious, satisfying recipe that you can make, and eat, over and over again — day after fucking day. And whether you’re a man, woman, transgender, intersex, queer, straight, bi, pan or really, really into Nickelback … that’s what we all want.

Only straight white males seem to have the audacity to write certain scrolls denying certain flavors to women (and, also, to men … since we don’t seem all that interested in securing a safe, loving partnership — at least on the Internet)— that’s not to say misogynoir isn’t a very real thing, or that there isn’t an epidemic of South Asian men committing domestic violence, but it’s not my place to speak on these, because if there’s only one cardinal rule for men like me, it’s to never punch down on the bullshit Colonial hierarchy of personhood. I acknowledge it, but, let’s be real: I’ve never read a seduction article written by anything other than by a white dude. And, yes, I’ve seen Hitch, but, let’s be real again: That’s not an actual how-to guide, I wasn’t taking notes, and that movie’s forgettable as fuck — all due to respect to Will Smith.

The Joy of a Daily Partnership

Harry Hogg — Wed, 30 Jun 2021 15:39:25 GMT

I write about love, not really knowing what it is, and hardly an expert in giving. If certain experiences I write about seem born of pain, they surely were, but the reward — not always apparent at the time, disregards the sorrow and self-pity. The truth is I have never loved and not learned something valuable. It seems, looking back, I always came away with more than I gave. Even when I was sure I’d given everything.

I’ll call up one day and she may wonder who I am. If my mind serves me well, she is the one who smelled like violets. Or the one who left me at the café, turning back long enough to say, don’t call me until after ten o’clock, my mother goes to bed quite early.

When I decided to write a journal that covered fifty years of loving, I had a thousand scraps of paper, names scribbled on business cards, letters stuffed in shoeboxes, dresser drawers, matchboxes, beer mats. I never had the courage to throw them away, hoping there was a chance they’d remember me.

No one’s hurt is the same as someone else. Still, it’s not nice to tell lies but sometimes it’s difficult straddling the fence between love and loving. For instance, an old acquaintance, twenty-three years since, sent me word that she would appear in a new play in Covent Garden, sending tickets for the opening. That evening, when the curtain fell, I headed backstage to see her. While waiting outside her dressing room door with other well-wishers, I managed not to look at any of them in the eye. It’s not that her performance was bad or that middle age is perhaps a tad old for an actress to be playing a teenager, it was more what I might say while still saying nothing, when suddenly she was holding her arms out toward me.

Amazing, absolutely amazing, I said, I cried during that last scene.

You. You. You, my dear Harry, are incredible. I couldn’t wait to know if you came, she said, how long is it, you rogue.

I can’t say enough. Wonderful, I said. A sentiment which was particularly good since I’d managed to say nothing whatsoever, allowing me time to recall when it was we last met. It was 1989, the Grammy Awards, Bette had the record of the year, Wind Beneath My Wings, I think.

You think? You’re such a prick, Harry. Are you not sure?

I remember the party around town when The Grammy’s were finally over. Instead of going back to the hotel and getting indigestion over the whole thing, it kind of made more sense to make the party round, gulp down a few drinks, eat ridiculous food, and hope to keep out of trouble.

My lips have always been sealed, Harry. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings — not to their face anyway, I knew you were loving me, I was glad for that. I wasn’t in love with you. I remember you wore dark glasses. I asked why. You said you were dead and didn’t want anyone to notice. I understood, even though I’d never loved someone that hard. The following morning, your bite mark was still on my shoulder blade. That was the last time I saw you, Harry.

I didn’t want to recall what she had recalled. Shame, maybe. I said, simply, I remember when music was really music.

Don’t kid me; you’re not that old, she said. Then, after a pause, seeing regret on my face, she went on, of all the women who ever loved you during those years, my name would surely be down the list. I wouldn’t be surprised. But I’ve never held anything in my heart for you but love, Harry.

What does a lover give to a lover that has not already been offered or been given back?

I gave her a list of my troubles. She listened and gave me comfort. I always imagined I could run ahead of myself and smooth out the rough spots before I got there.

When love had pinned me to the wall and left me dying, trampled with heartache, she was one who revived me. I didn’t make love to her, but I loved her. My gift to her was to make sure she didn’t love me a day more.

Some find at midnight the hope of every dawn. Love, or what it stands in for, is spit out in the time between. Head to head, heart to heart and otherwise, I have not found the perfect fifty years of loving, instead building up something to live for that might end beautifully, because that, in the end, is found in the joy of a daily partnership.

I’m Sorry

Laura Culberg- Welcoming Opposites — Wed, 30 Jun 2021 15:25:01 GMT

Parenting in a time of global despair

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

“The lake feels like lotion!” the little boy shouted to his friends, treading water at the base of the ladder. “So smooth and refreshing!”

I lay on the other side of the dock, my head propped up with a life jacket, reading my book, Love Becomes Us by Amy Bloom. It was hot, hotter than it had ever been in the Pacific Northwest where I live.

My family had been lucky. We escaped to this mountain lake on a planned trip with my brother-in-law and his kids. Instead of 108 degrees, it was only 99 and we could hang out in this cold glacial lake all day long.

The little boy shouting was eight or nine years old, skinny and tan, happy and energized. He jumped off the dock over and over, laughing with pleasure every time. I remember the days when my daughter had that kind of ease, that kind of access to simple pleasures.

These days are complicated. The world feels like it is ending. There was the pandemic, over a year of lockdown seeped with fear and longing. And now this heat, record-breaking, devastating — to people, animals, and nature. This heat is preparing our region for fires that will destroy more land, more humans and wildlife, more homes, more trees. Like last summer, we will be stuffed into our homes, windows sealed, hiding from the smoke outside.

When I was eight or nine I didn’t think about the earth. We never talked about it. I remember waiting in line for gas at the Shell station on 54th street with my mom. I remember her explaining that Jimmy Carter was rationing gas because there was an oil crisis. I lived a life, essentially into my twenties with the ignorant luxury of not worrying about our dying planet. Back then we didn’t talk about climate change or global warming. I wish we had. Maybe if we had things would be different now. The planet I am leaving my daughter wouldn’t be so hot and angry and scary.

My daughter is sixteen now. When she was eight she knew things about the earth. In third grade, she raised money to support people who lost everything in the Japanese Tsunami. She’s always known how to recycle and compost. She grew up with Hybrid cars and conversations about red meat at dinner. She is keenly aware of the crisis our Earth is experiencing.

And, she is becoming an adult during this crisis. Like Elizabeth, the protagonist in Bloom’s, Love Becomes Us, my daughter is traversing the complicated emotional landscape that comes with adolescence. Elizabeth is wise beyond her years. She can see the hypocrisy of her parents and the other adults around her. Like most teens, Elizabeth is struggling in her own way to just get through the painful, confusing adolescent years.

As I read my book, I can remember what that felt like, how my emotions moved through me when I was that age. I have glimpses, flashes of memory. I remember when I was seventeen and all I did was cry. I cried on the road trip I took with my family. I cried in my room at night. I cried over gifts I got at Christmas. I cried and cried and I didn’t really understand why.

Yesterday I told my daughter that I was tired of her speaking to me like she was mad at me all the time. “I’m sorry,” she replied, “I do feel angry all the time.”

She said it so matter-of-factly, with such certainty that my vision blurred for a split-second. I scanned my brain for something to say but there was nothing. “Noooooo,” I cried to myself, “I don’t want this for her.”

I’ve been here before. It’s the heartbreak of motherhood, the moment when I know clearly that there is nothing I can do, no balm I can smooth over a scraped knee, no lullaby I can sing, no goodnight story I can tell to make everything feel better.

I think about the Earth all the time. I am terrified about where we’ve been in the last year, afraid of what is coming. When I talk about my worries, sometimes my daughter will say, “Please Mom. Please stop. I can’t hear this right now.” And I know she is frightened too. Unlike me at sixteen, she is aware. She knows things.

While my daughter is living the emotional thunderstorm of hormonal adolescence, there is a blanket of disaster overlaying everything. How will she manage this? How will she find her way?

The path we are on, the too-late feeling I have about our planet, is often too much for me so how do teenagers who are just waiting to get to the next phase manage it? What do they think when the next phase is filled with 108 degree days, fires in the rain forest, and global droughts?

There are good times too, like yesterday when my daughter and her cousin sunbathed together for hours, took the kayak out, and loudly sang songs on the deck that echoed across the lake. I know that along with being angry, my daughter is happy too. Like all teenagers, her landscape is complicated and unpredictable.

Adolescence is a global disaster in itself. It is an earthquake, tornado, tsunami, and hurricane wrapped into an eight to ten-year period. I know my daughter will get through this period. And as she ages, she will figure out how to move through all of the disasters in front of her. She will find moments of joy and celebration and excitement along the way. But I feel for her. I feel for all of the teenagers right now. Their burden is profound, beyond any that I could have imagined at that young age.

There’s no balm, no simple fix for this. When the conversation about the environment comes up, as it so often does these days, all I can do is look at my daughter, and say, “I’m sorry” because I am.

I really, really am.

How Long Should No Contact Last

Can’t Stop Breaking No Contact?: Get My Private Method Here

Going through a bad breakup? I know it’s tough to get through this difficult situation. You’re lonely and confused, trying to get back on your feet while your heart is broken into a million pieces. You’ve probably heard that the No Contact Rule is the most effective way to help you get over a breakup and move on.

For the record, the No Contact Rule can be a lifesaver if you implement it the right way.

But how long should No Contact last?

You’ve probably heard of the 30 Day Rule, or even longer periods of 60 or 90 days. Some people even take more extended time periods to heal and get on with their lives.

Here’s my answer to how long the No Contact Ruleshould last.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have some alone time and selfishly used this time period to rebuild your self-esteem and re-discover your life purpose. Usually, it takes a dumpee (who got dumped) around 30 days to terms with their breakup and rebuilds their well-being. After a few weeks of dealing with their emotional pain, the second phase of the No Contact period is to rebuild their lives and focus on their own life goals.

Rather than seeking an intimate relationship with someone else, use the No Contact period to build a personal relationshipwith yourself.

One of the biggest misconception people have about the No-Contact Rule is that they expect something magical to happen after 30 days. Perhaps their ex will magically appear at their footstep on Day 30, or they are completely healed while they run down the clock. One of the biggest No Contact Rule mistakes is people thinking they are ready to initiate contact with their ex-boyfriends and want to get back together.

Their mindset is stuck on going back to a broken relationship.

This is why the No Contact Rule success rate is low and why most people break their silent treatment too soon. They have the wrong idea about the NC Rule.

If you use this time period to focus on yourself selfishly, you will quickly see some positive effects in your life. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when your mind and heart are cravings for your ex.

It takes a lot of discipline, reflection, tons of distractions to get you through breakup grief and into a new chapter of your life.

How Long Is Too Long For No Contact?

How Long Should No Contact Last

There is no timeframe for whether you’re implementing No Contact for too long. It’s not a race to see how fast you can recover and move on. It’s about using the No Contact Rule to create a personal buffer for yourself to rebuild your self-confidence and become a better person.

How long it takes for you to bring back your sassy confidence depends on you. Trust me, once you start to get on with your life, you won’t even notice that you’re still in the No Contact zone.

Usually, it’s recommended to go on a hard lockdown of 30 days and restrict yourself from any contact with your ex. No phone calls, texts, social media stalking, or anything that reminds you of your former flame. The key is to give yourself a relationship detox and let all the emotional pain and weight out of your system.

So focus on having a personal relationship with yourself. Re-discover your life goals and start ticking off things on your bucket list. In a positive way, breakups can be a blessing in disguise where you are single and free without any relational strings tying you down to achieve success.

For the time being, stop thinking about romantic relationships. It’ll come again when the time is right? Don’t rush yourself into an intimate situation again until you have fully healed and ready to make another commitment.

Will he move on during no contact?

One of the goals during the No Contact period is to move on. This is the only way to get over your breakup and look past your broken relationship. You can assume that your ex will move on during No Contact because he needs to get on with his life.

It would make matters worse for both of you if you’re waiting for your ex to reach out after 30 days and let him run more relationship games on you. If that’s the case, you’re likely to be breaking and repeating the No Contact Rule with poor results.

What your ex does during No Contact should not matter to you. The more you think about him, the longer it will take for you to achieve good results for yourself. Rest assured that your ex will move on during No Contact. So will you.

What goes through his mind during no contact?

There are a lot of things that go through the male mind during No Contact. If your ex-boyfriend is the dumper, here are two things that he is going through during No Contact.

1. He’s wondering how you are doing.

Believe it or not, your ex has already checked out the relationship long before the night of the breakup. He planned it a long time ago. What he’s going to say, how he’s going to break it to you, and when he’s going to do it.

What’s worst is he’s already dealt through his cycle of emotions, and making the breakup official may feel like a big weight is lifted off his shoulders.

And it’s unfair for you. You’re caught by surprise. Your dreams were destroyed overnight. And you’re left embarrassed, confused, and alone.

Now, your ex is most likely going to care about how you’re doing. Even though he’s caused the pain, he will feel a sense of regret and sympathy for putting you through the pain. After all, you two were once best friends and shared deep secrets. You two shared great moments in your relationship.

It’s human nature for your ex to care still and check up on you. How you want to react to his sympathy is up to you.

2. He’s planning his next move.

Now that your ex-boyfriend got what he wants, he’s planning how he’s going to capitalize on his newfound freedom. Maybe he has new life goals, and he wants to chase success. Perhaps he feels stuck in his past relationship and needs a breath from relationships.

Whatever your ex is planning, it should be irrelevant to you. He’s focusing on his life, and you should be rebuilding yours too.

It’s hard to respect your ex when he’s the one that called off the relationship. But relationships are a two-way street which means that it’s not all your ex’s fault. The relationship was long broken, and someone just had to initiate the breakup before things get worse.

How Long Does It Take For An Ex To Miss You With No Contact?

How Long Should No Contact Last

Like I mentioned earlier, your ex will go through a phase where he’s missing you in the first few weeks. Even though he’s had a head start in the breakup to deal with his emotions, your ex is only beginning to live his life without you after the separation. So he’s going to feel dumper’s remorse and regret letting you go.

He’s going to miss the great timesyou two had together. Now that’s he’s single, your ex will also start to realize what he’s lost as he adjusts his lifestyle. In some cases, an ex may miss the relationship so bad that they want to get back together. But in most cases, the feeling of losing and missing someone during No Contact is temporary.

Here’s the thing, your ex will likely miss you during No Contact. He wants to relieve his feelings by reaching out to you. If you wish to respond and open up to your ex is up to you.

I would give your ex the silent treatment. I would not let his needs interrupt your healing process, as giving in may put you back in square one and keep you confused.

Be selfish when you’re going through No Contact. It’s time to stop letting your ex live rent-free in your brain. And just because he’s having a hard time forgetting about you doesn’t mean he has the right to call you anytime you want.

Set up your personal barrier and do what’s best for you.

Is it too late to go no contact after begging?

No, it’s never too late to go No Contact after begging your ex. You can always restart the No Contact Rule. But if you have the habit of begging or giving into your ex during radio silence, then you need new strategies to contain yourself.

For the record, begging your ex to get back together is never the right solution. I understand that people have different reasons to want their ex back. But by begging your ex, you’ll never have the upper hand.

You’ll never get the respect.

Moving on sounds scary. Being alone is tough. But it would help if you considered what is best for you in your future. If your ex-boyfriend is a toxic person, then you’ll never be able to be happy and get what you want from the relationship.

Wait, Do You Still Have A Chance?

Find out what your chances are of getting your ex back with
this 2 minute quiz.

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8 Early Warning Signs Of Silent Domestic Abuse

Here are eight early signs of silent domestic abuse that are only apparent to you:

1. You fear your partner's reaction to a situation more than the situation itself.

2. It doesn't upset you to argue with your partner — it scares you.

3. When you get into a fight, you look for the nearest exit.

4. You don't trust them.

5. They make you feel crazy.

6. You feel like you always need their opinion.

7. You don't want to be around anyone BUT them.

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8. You feel guilty all the time.

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Is Watching Porn Cheating? NO But It Can Make or Break Your Sex Life

What do you think, is watching porn cheating? Or, is it simply a little harmless fun that helps you get in the mood? Let’s explore a little deeper.

Is watching porn cheating? The honest truth

Why do people watch porn?

1. To see sexy naked people

2. To arouse yourself while watching the scenario

Porn is pleasurable and fun, in moderation

When does porn prompt the same pain as cheating in a relationship?

1. When you prefer specific actors

2. When you pay for porn

3. You watch people on cams

4. You pay for a subscription like OnlyFans

5. You follow the actors on social media

Would you cheat if you could with your fantasy crush?

Porn can bring out our deepest insecurities

How would you feel about your partner watching porn?

Can you stop your partner from watching porn?

Men vs women and how they feel about their partner watching porn

Remember, porn isn’t real but it can still hurt

But, porn can be a problem in a relationship

Don’t keep porn a secret

The last step – Decide if porn is cheating together as a couple

Why Your Boyfriend Won't Say 'I Love You' — And What To Do About It

Here are 3 possible reasons your boyfriend won't say "I love you" that you may not have considered before.

1. He associates saying "I love you" with expectations he isn't ready to fulfill.

2. He doesn't feel like he can live up to his definition of what saying "I love you" means.

3. He's genuinely not in love with you.

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So what should you do if your man won't say I love you?

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Sexless Relationship: Why Sex Matters & How to Spark Passion Again

Do you believe a sexless relationship is possible? We’re always told that sex is important, but is it as important as love and trust?

Why do we think that sex is important?

What is a sexless relationship?

Why would two people refrain from sex in a relationship?

1. Sex brings you closer

2. It makes you empathtic toward the other person

3. It reduces stress and tension

4. It can increase your self-esteem

5. It creates affection

6. But, know that sex isn’t love

7. Not having sex can make you question their feelings

8. Sex makes you feel like a unit

9. Not having sex also gets rid of the pressure

What if you’re in a sexless relationship and you’re not happy?

Could a sexless situation mean the end of your union?

How to Be a Sugar Daddy: What a Girl Expects & What You Should Know

Learning how to be a sugar daddy isn’t as simple as just deciding to be one. You need to know the rules, the basics, and what to expect from it.

Wait, what is a sugar daddy?

Things to know before learning how to be sugar daddy

1. Understand that this is an agreement

2. Know what you want

3. What are you going to offer?

4. Always be honest

5. Take it slowly

6. Keep the boundaries

7. Put in an effort

8. Be respectful

9. It’s not all about the money

10. Be patient

11. Remember, you don’t own them

The specifics of how to be a sugar daddy

1. How old is a typical sugar daddy?

2. How rich does a sugar daddy need to be?

3. How do sugar daddies normally pay their sugar babies?

4. How can you find a sugar baby?

Is the sugar daddy lifestyle for you?