How Is Bradley?

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News...

2009-12-09T18:38:00.000-08:00

Doctor #1: When I was having seizures regularly, life was so good. I only had to deal with one doctor (neurologist). The Doc I had put me through a series of tests, including an MRI.

Doctor #2: Time went by and suddenly I had two doctors. Through LA county I was assigned a doctor to examine my mood disorders. I enjoyed time with Dr Jenny. She was both my psychologist and my therapist (which does not happen very often) as a result we met together every week for one full hour. With some time Jenny diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder.
I am familiar with bipolar, so I wasn't freaked out, but also new that I was going to be taking a large amount of drugs, which I wasn't too thrilled about. There is not one treatment for those with bipolar. A drug that works for one person may not help another person. If the first set of drugs don't work, then we tried a different combination, and then another combination and another, etc. It took awhile, but we finally found a cocktail of drugs that worked for me. Unfortunately, it had no effect on my anxiety, which has been in high gear.

Doctor #3: Sadly Doctor Jenny (Doctor #2) finished her residency and moved away. It didn't take them much time to find me a new one, Doctor Marcus (Doctor . I went to my first appointment and and he was one of those 10 minute psychiatrists. When I asked if I could have a therapist also he just looked down and shook his head. When I asked if it was because of budget cuts and he said yes. (Thank you very much, Mr. Schwarzenegger )

Doctor #4: I began therapy with Doctor #4 (Doctor Halverson) I had been his patient awhile back and was really looking forward to being his patient again. He is not the kind of Dr. that tries to get a patient find their inner-child. He worked with me to resolved the problem rather than deal with it. I'm looking forward to working with him again.

Doctor #5: Yesterday I met with Doctor Freeman (#5). He is my GP and a good enough guy.
He did comment on how my weight must of been a reaction to some of the drugs and I agreed.
We didn't discuss what I need to do about it, but didn't discuss any solutions. For solutions I need to ask my new psychologist (Dr. Maria) and make sure I'm taken all the weight enhancement drugs.

So far this week I've been to a doctor 3 times. And I've had appointments made for me. The appointments include a dermatologist, a series of blood tests done, and will have to do an overnight sleep study. I will also be taking another MRI (my 4th time this year) so far the MRI's have shown no problems at all with my brain so they still don't know why I have had the seizures. The best guess I've been given has been that my seizures must have been a chemical reaction.

So there you have it. The joys of living with a mood disorder. To get serious here I want to add that 1 in 5 bipolar patients end up successfully committing suicide.
I feel it's important to add that in since many people scoff at mental illness. My point in this blog is to make people more aware of what it is like and that we aren't all wearing straight jackets in some rotting mental facility. Truth be told, Many (probably most) are able to find the correct combination's for their disease.

There you have it. Fortunately most people with bipolar disorder live normal lives once they get their medications under control. I hope I'm one of them when all this madness is done.

Blessed Be

Reverend Bradley?????

2009-11-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

Over the years I've taken many job assessments and have always come up with the same catagories; such as taxi driver, office manager, funeral director and minister.

The jobs I've taken over the years have fallen into these catagories. Most notable was working in a large incoming call center. I had 250 employees. Later after getting sober I began working at a specialized grocery store, and then became manager of a coffee shop. Did I enjoy these damn jobs? Hell no, but changing jobs seemed at lot less scary and very comfortable. Every one of these jobs fell within the results the guidelines from my assessments.

The assessments were lengthy but they all came up with the same list. One item that was always listed, was for me to become a minister. We laughed about it in high school when we had career assessments done. I chuckled at the idea over the years when time after time “minister” would rate highly. The humor was that I was an atheist/agnostic for most of those years. What in hell kind of church would want an atheistic minister? So I would just ignore the idea and move on to the rest of the recommended positions. Some were good and some where bad, but in all situations that I did work just never made me feel I was doing anything important. I needed something more.

I have finally chosen the ministry.

So now I’m starting to finally get my undergraduate degree and then go to seminary school. Yep, all those chuckles I’ve done over the years were frequently to hide the fact that I liked the idea. Finally I’ve broken down and I’m in school to receive my to BA degree and then go off to seminary for four more years to receive my masters degree and become a minister.

What changed? I discovered that I am a Unitarian Universalist (UU). As a UU minister I can be an atheist and be a minister, I can be catholic and be a minister, I can be Christian and be a minister, I can be a Mystic, Wiccan, Quaker, Jew and more and can still be a minister. Unitarians don't claim to have all the answers so it's up to each congregant to work and develop their spirituality For UU's, the path I take in my spiritual life may be completely different than some/many of our congregants. UU’s don’t claim to have the answers, but as UU’s we embrace each other’s ideas so we can help guide them on their journey. The only thing a Unitarian Universalist does not tolerate is intolerance.

As much as this sounds like a New Age type of fly by night religion. Unitarians have been around for 500 years. We don't proselytize so that makes it difficult to have a large following through the world. If you've never heard of us, you, don't be surprisedent. We're pretty low key. After all the chuckles over the career assessments, I have finally found the one that I think will make a huge difference in my life. The minister. What that means for now is that I have to take 4 years of college to receive my BA, and then another 4 years at a seminary near Berkley0 Classes begin around February and I'm very excited. The two ministers at my church have given me their support as well as many congregants who have heard the news. So, that's the tale of my long road to the ministry. I wish I had heard the calling when I was in my twenties, but I guess it wasn't in the cards for me then. Instead, I didn't hear the calling after the new millennium. But I wouldn't haven't been ready then. Today, I know I am exactly where I should be.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

Gobble Gobble

OMG, My Weight. I must hang my head shame

2009-11-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

I joined weight watchers several months ago, Friends kept telling me that it's a great program. Yeah, Weight Watchers is the one that you have to track the number of points in a day.

I thought, "this will be easy. I'm happy I can eat whatever I want, I just have to measure the ingredients which will give me the points value of any food.

Have I lost weight? FUCK NO! I gained more than when I started. I now weigh exactly 300 pounds. That's double what I should weigh. I talked with my pdoc to see if any of the drugs I have cause weight gain. (It was a problem in the past). I never got an answer from him. I think he got distracted.

So...what am I going to do? First, I'm going to continue to walk to a 12 step meeting every morning at 6:00 am. There and back is 2 miles. Not great really, but it's a start. The other thing I'm going to do is live strictly by the points. (sigh). I lost a good bit of food while counting points and was dropped a few pounds. If I don't stick with the plan then maybe I'll quit for now, but I hope not. I'll continue to keep all of posted.

I had another anxiety attack while shopping at IKEA yesterday (IKEA is a huge furniture that always stays packed with shoppers. People were talking, children were yelling, etc. etc. It reached the point that I had before. I was afraid to touch anything. I wasn't really there. If I reached down to pick up an item, then it melt in my hands. I was afraid to touch the walls because I feared they would turn into goo that will cling on my arms when I pull them out.

When these kind of attacks occur, it's best to have Maurice help me. He grabs my hands and talks to me to calm me down and he also walks me to something so that I can see that it's really solid. I'm grateful to have him as my husband. If Maurice isn't around I just have to deal with it the best I can. I'll walk very slowly and won't touch anything. Finally when I find a wall or other objects, I can feel them. It's not fun at all. You feel like you don't belong there or anywhere. It feels like I'm in an isolated world. I'm in a bubble. I can hear people talking but I don't respond back as much because I'm in this bubble. Anyway, it's been a long while since this occured.

The Unsinkable Taste of Cheerio's

2009-11-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

I've never been fond of cereal for breakfast. I didn't dislike it, I just never craved it...that is until two months ago when I started eating Honey Nut Cheerios. Who created this? If I wasn't already married, I'd marry whoever made the final decision to stock the shelves with the stuff. When I eat it I'm constantly amazed at how incredibly delicious it is. Those sweet little O's pack plenty for your taste buds.

I've posted before about my love of peanut butter. I refuse to have any in the house because in one seating I would finish off the entire jar. I'm afraid to say that I am now craving Cheerios all day long to the point that I haven't given peanut butter much thought.

For breakfast I have 2 bowls. I finish the 1st bowl but leave plenty of milk for a 2nd bowl. After the 2nd bowl I finish off the milk.

For lunch do exactly the same as breakfast

For a mid afternoon snack I know I should grab some fruit, but instead it's another 2 bowls.

Maurice usually comes home and cooks dinner, so there's no Cheerios at that time, but before I go to bed I frequently have another bowl. Add those up and you get 6-7 bowls a day.

Unlike peanut butter, I've made no attempt at all to curb my appetite so that I don't eat so much of the Cheerio's. Peanut butter, as everyone knows, is loaded with fat. More than Cheerios. In addition, Cheerios advertises that they may reduce you're cholesterol. So it can't be that bad for me, could it? My cholesterol levels always come out fine when they are tested, but good or not, I would never be able to pull myself away from them.

As most of you know, I attend AA because of my drug and alcohol problems. I've been sober for 6 years. I'm concerned, however, about this new addition to cheerios. There's no alcohol in them, and I certainly haven't added any drugs to the cereal. You'll never see me spreading white powder on my cereal. Is this intense craving dangerous. I'm sure it's put on a few pounds, which I'll know for sure after my next weigh in at Weight Watchers.

I have plenty more to add, however, Maurice and I need to go to the grocery store. We have no food in the house at all. Of course, I will be buying more of my Honey Nut cereal.

Depression, Depression, Depression

2009-11-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

I apologize for starting the blog back up and then left one post alone for the entire week. As many of you know, I love to blog, but it is extremely difficult when I'm having a very low depression for a couple of weeks.

My goal has always been to post every day except for Saturday or Sunday. Since I only made one post, I'm setting a goal of posting two days next week, and so on and so on...

Hopefully when the funk clears that I don't go into a mega manic state. It may feel better, but it's a bit too crazy for me.

Where'd the Corn Man Go?

2009-11-04T22:42:00.000-08:00

I've been down a bit lately. Not depressed, just sad. Why? The Corn Man is gone. When he was around I know I took him for granted. I probably only bought from him about one night each week, but it was a pleasure to hear him every day.

He arrived at our apartment complex at different times each day, but if you were home, there was no missing him. He would stand out behind the apartment building and holler that he was there. He always yelled in Spanish so I have no clue what he was saying, His voice was always hoarse so it probably was hard to understand Spanish speaking or not. Despite not understanding what he said, his voice was as comfortable as curling up under an afghan on a cold winter night.

The days I did choose to buy from him it was exciting to run down to the first floor to find him parked out back. There was no missing his rusted red, beat up truck. He had plenty of items to sell. Toys and trinkets hung down inside his truck. Mexican treats were available too. But, I didn't care at all about any of that junk. All I ever wanted was some of his corn. Hmmmm, his yummy decadent corn.

It was fun to watch him fix my corn. He'd reach into his cooler and grab a warm piece of corn on a stick. He then would spoon some kind of concoction all over every bit of the corn. Sometimes a little would splatter on me, I couldn't imagine complaining ,though, afterall he was making me one of his beautiful masterpieces. I have no idea what the first thing he was smearing on my corn. Someone once told me that it was mayonaise with a bunch of other flavors added to it. I'm not sure if that was true. It didn't taste like mayo at all. Probably only the Corn Man really knew.

Now it was time for the butter. He would lather the corn completely in a melted delightful buttery mess. The final thing he did before handing the corn over was to sprinkle just a smidgen of ground peppers on it. He would ask me twice each time I told him I'd like the peppers on it. My guess is it probably was too much for most gringos, but to me it was the icing on the cake.

I never knew how much he would charge me. That was part of the excitement. One day he would charge me $5.50 and the next day it would be $2.00. I don't know why there were such fluctuating prices. I guessed it probably had a lot to do with how much gas he needed to get home that evening.

Finally, the best part. After paying for it, he would hand the corn over and immediately butter would start sliding off the corn onto my hand. The only way to make it back to your apartment without leaving piles of butter trailed behind you was to lick some off the top of your hand and then run like crazy to the kitchen. This was not a product that you'd consider eating on good furniture or over carpeting. It had to be eaten while standing up in the kitchen.

Oh it was so delicious. Half the butter would slide down into my beard as I ate it, but I didn't care. It was impossible to put down. It only took minutes to eat it, and that always made me hunger for more but he'd be gone. Off to another apartment complex yelling his gibberish to let the tenants who lived there know it was their turn to buy some corn.

I don't know what ever happened to the Corn Man. Did the health department finally catch up with his truck? Did he slip on butter and has been in a coma ever since. I like to think more positively about it. Maybe he earned enough to get a home in Beverly Hills or Bel Aire.

I don't know where you are Mr. Corn Man, but I hope to hear you yelling gibberish again. You will always have a special place in my heart. I will always hope that one day you will return.

Another Interview

2009-10-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog, about a year ago, I interviewed myself as an introduction to my blog. Now that I'm restarting it, I figure I should do the same. So, here we go:

What is your favorite color: green or blue, it depends on the lighting.

When was the last time you had a drink: As a member of AA, I've been completely clean and sober for almost 6 years.

Gay or Straight? Gay and out of the closet and loving the life I have.

Married or Single: Maurice and I exchanged our vows two years ago. "Official" state law says we aren't married, but fuck them. Our minister conducted the ceremony. It was small but very moving.

If you could go back in time, where would you go? I'd go back to the time of Christ to see what really happened.

Do you have any children?Yes, I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter who lives in the midwest with her mom.

When were you diagnosed as bipolar: For years I'd been diagnosed as chronic depressive, but last year I was finally diagnosed as being bipolar. My meds are working tremendously

Do you have any siblings: Yes, we had 7 children in my house. I'm was the youngest . Both of my parents and one brother are now deceased.

Where do you work? I've been on disability for 3 years. It started because I was having

seizures. Checking for those, it was determined I'm bipolar. It was no surprise to me.

What are you life plans: In January I'll begin college and will be trained as a Drug and Alcohol counselor, once that happens I'll go to seminary to become a Unitarian Universalist Minister Total college ahead of me is about 8 years (sigh) My goal is to become a minister, however, if I find I really enjoy counseling, then I may continue that instead.

What is a Unitarian Universalist: If you really want to know, then follow this link: http://www.uua.org/ We were considered Heathens by the churches 500 years ago. Today some still consider us heathens. Many of us take pride in that.

Where all have you lived: Niles Michigan; Greensburg PA; High Point NC: Omaha Ne: Scottsdale, AZ; Las Vegas, NV; Northern California and now Southern California (Los Angeles)

What's your favorite thing to do? I'm stuck at home most of the time so I'll say surfing the net. Outdoors my favorite activity is to go to the beach.

What's your biggest fear: Clowns scare the shit out of me.

What's your favorite tv show: I watch very little tv, but Law & Order SVU has me under it's spell. I also love Lost.

That's it for now. As I've said, I've made a commitment to myself and now I'm making it to you - that I'll be posting at least 3 - 5 days each week.

Look It's Really Me again

2009-09-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

Wow, I didn't realize how damn long it's been since I actually wrote something for this blog. I apologize for the couple of times I said I was coming back, but didn't. It's because I was playing around in other online games, such as Second Life. I've had fun, but I've now grown weary of them. During this entire time I missed blogging more and more every day. I have no excuses other than taking the time to search the net to learn what else I can do.

I have no idea where to begin since it's been so long, Here's a quick rundown. Currently I'm having pretty severe loss of memory, but I'll try and get as much down as I can:

Change of pdoc. As I've said time and time again, I loved my pdoc. Unfortunately she has filled her resident status and moved away. She is replaced by a grumbly older guy. He's nice but has made an appointment for next month. My old pdoc saw me once a week. This makes me a little nervous. I'm hoping he takes good care of me with the meds but assigns me to a good person for therapy
Recently we've seen:
XMen Origins: Woverine: Transformers 2: Terminator Salvation; Up; Monster vs Aliens ; 9, and The Day the Earth Stood Still.

I get surprised to hear I had already seen these movies, I can't remember the story line, the actors. Hell, I don't even remember being in the theaters,

I have no concept of date and time. for instance, I thought for sure today was Monday, only to be corrected that's it's Friday. Doesnt sound like much, however, I have to ask these type of questions all day

I've started seeing cats and dogs. I'll see our cat run under the kitchen table to hide. I've also felt the cat cuddling up with me in bed. The dog doesn't really do much. He causes no trouble, he just runs around the house. There is one huge problem here: We do not have a cat or dog. When I see these animals and look at them from the corner of my eye they just kind of whisp away kinda like the demons.

I still suffer from dissassociation. When that happens I am terrified to do anything. I'm afraid to touch the walls or counters, or pretty much anything in the house. I'm frightened that I'll find just a gooey substance that my hands would go right through anything in the room. For instance, if I put my ass down on the bed I fear I would sink right down in it. It's an awful feeling and frightening. Fortunately the episodes don't last long. Usually I reach out to a wall and feel safer. If Maurice is around, he'll grab my hands and walk with me around a bit.

Despite all of this, I'm grateful for how far I've come. All the items listed above have been going on for nearly 3 years and most have subsided finally. The only ones I'm dealing with regularly is the disassociation and my spooky cat and dog.

It's Friday and I normally don't post on the weekends. I hope to see you all then.

The Spirit Moves Me

2009-08-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

I really miss blogging, but took time off to play on Second Life Again. After about a week I was bored with it and the things we did.

I'm not going to promise that I'm coming back and will work on my blog. But those are my plans. I really love blogging and reading what many of you, my virtual friends, have written

OK, So I Lied

2009-07-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hi all. Last week I said would be back that week. I did not purposely deceive anyone. I've just become a damn sleeping zombie. I crawl out of bed in the morning and quickly take my pills and then I go back to bed. I wake up again about 2pm and have lunch and then it's back to bed again where I sleep til breakfast and then do all of the above all over again.

So, I'll work with my pdoc to determine what is going on here and hopefully get back on track.

For those of you that have been emailing me to resume my Blog. I finally have. It's a slow state out of the barn right now, but soon she back in order. Any one not familiar with my blog you can check it out at www.howisbradley.com

I'm Coming Back

2009-06-27T14:58:00.001-07:00

I have a promise. Sometime this week I'll back and will continue to write about this crazy life of mine. I appreciate all the comments and emails that were sent. You will see me but there is a slight chance that I will be on Jury Duty. I'll know Monday if that's going to happen. Hugs to all of you.

What Do You Believe?

2009-01-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite websites is Belief.net It's a treasure trove of information about all the major worlds religions. It's an especially good place to go if one is searching for others who may fall within their same belief system.

My favorite part of Belief.net is the Belief-O-Matic. It's a fun test to take in which you answer a series of questions about your beliefs. Once done, the Belief-O-Matic will provide a list of approx 25 religions or belief systems and will give you a percentage which shows how closely your beliefs are in line with those. Here's the top five that were on my list:

1.	Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2.	Liberal Quakers (94%)
3.	Unitarian Universalism (92%)
4.	Taoism (90%)
5.	Theravada Buddhism (90%)

As you can see, Belief.net also provides links to each all the religions you match so you can read and understand what their belief system is. My results aren't surprising because I am a Unitarian Universalist who practices Buddhism and I've always had a huge respect for the Quakers.

Here's a link to Belief-O-Matic.

Go ahead and check it out. It's fun. If you feel up to it, please post your top five list here in the comments. It'd be fun to see the difference we all may or may not have.

Dancin' with Myself

2009-01-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

I woke up to the blues this morning. It doesn't happen to me as often these days, but this was a morning where depression hit me again. As in the past I resigned myself to accept it and wait until it passed over, but then something changed about noon.

Just before lunch I was still feeling depressed but I had a sudden burst of energy. This 284 pound man was shaking his booty as he prepared tuna salad for lunch. Guess what? Suddenly I found myself feeling a little better.

After lunch I didn't feel like going out for a walk but I still had some energy in me. I had talked with my pdoc about dancing to lose weight but hadn't really done it much, but this time I put on some old disco music and proceeded to knock all the plaster off the ceiling of my downstairs neighbors.

It was fun, good exercise and I feel much better now. In fact, if it continues I'd rate myself as having a damn good day.

Everyone gets the blues. The difference is that it's easy for people like me to allow the blues to take hold and drag you down into major depression. It's one of the more difficult things to deal with when suffering from depression or bipolar. How do you determine that you have the blues and it's ok as compared to major depression. I now believe one of the differences is whether you can dance with yourself around the apartment or not.

I've decided this will be the way I will monitor my feelings in the future. If I start to feel down I'll get up off my ass and shake my thing and hopefully bring myself up again. If I can't get my ass up or just can't get into it then I probably am in the pits of depression. Still I can try and dance then anyway, but that's easy to say today when I'm feeling up already.

Time to put my dancing shoes back on and shake my bon bon and then get ready for an appointment with my pdoc. Here's a video you may enjoy and may get you a movin' and a shakin' too.

2009-01-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

Click Here to find out why Carrie Fisher is my new idol.

Follow the link and then click on the video in the top right corner. It's her interview with Matt Lauer on the Today show. She's amazing.

Back to the Hospital

2009-01-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

I've become way to use to emergency rooms. Last year when I was having seizures galore I became a regular. The other day I showed up again but this time it was because of chest pains.

If you ever have an opportunity to have an elephant stand on your chest, I suggest that you decline. I think I have a pretty good idea what it feels like and it ain't pleasant. Every breath was difficult to take and would cause stabbing pain throughout my chest. I refused to accept that anything was wrong so I decided that the pain was cause by Maurice sleeping on my chest all night. Nevermind that his head would have to weigh as much as a bowling ball to cause this much pain. His head on my chest for hours was my diagnosis and that is what I was sticking to. I should have called 911, but I'm a stubborn dumbass.

The pain became less intense on Thursday and Friday and started hurting on only one side of my chest. I still shouldn't have ignored it, but I decided that if it was my heart that I'd be dead already so why bother going to the emergency room. I could live with a little intense pain now and again. Besides, the pain was dissipating. Dr. Bradley determined there was nothing to worry about.

Saturday it got worse again. The pain was still on one side of my chest but was now shooting up to my neck. I didn't think that was a good thing at all, but wanted to wait awhile so that Maurice and I could enjoy a nice picnic on the beach. The beach wasn't a good place to go since the lifeguards are sparse this time of year. It'd be hard for Maurice to get help if I needed it, but a picnic seemed a helluva lot nicer than going to the emergency room. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. We nixed the picnic idea and went to the emergency room instead.

I don't know about the rest of the country, but emergency rooms in California are bursting at the seams. The large number of people who have no health insurance are forced to go to the emergency for non-emergency problems. They can't afford a regular physician. The waiting area was standing room only.

Fortunately for me, chest pains are taken very seriously, so I was immediately escorted from check-in and taken in for some tests. Yippie! I thought. No waiting for me tonight. I was wrong. Jose, the cute guy conducting the tests said that I'd be going back to the waiting area and that I should hope for a long wait. A long wait would show that I wasn't dealing with anything immediately dangerous. That was logical , but I sure didn't feel lucky. I waited for over 20 hours after having my tests done. I was given tests for a second time, including a CT scan and then was taken to the trauma center. Finally a bed and some morphine and I was able to get some sleep. Poor Maurice had to sleep in a chair next to me.

The doctor determined that I wasn't having any heart problems. My tests came back looking good. He had no idea what was causing the pain but my heart was in fit condition. It's just like my seizures. There was never any diagnosis why they occured, they just did. We discussed that it likely was pleurisy, which is a reduction of the lining/fluid around the lungs which prevents them from rubbing against other things in my chest. It can be deadly, but usually goes away after a brief period. For me, the pain was completely gone the next day.

30 hours in ER was no picnic. We should have gone to the beach afterall.

The Hardest Pound I Ever Worked Off

2009-01-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

My first week on Weight Watchers has passed. I converted the fats, fiber and calories into points. I logged every point in my tracker. I ate my veggies, ate small servings in general..and so on. I marched up to the scale at the weight watchers meeting with no fear. I was ready to boast about my tremendous weight loss. I hopped on the scale full of excitment when BAM...I was told I lost exactly one pound. ONE POUND???? What the hell? I know so many people who swear by the Weight Watchers plan and boast about how much they lost. Why did I not lose as much as I thought I would? I was told I didn't eat enough. The plan keeps me full all the time and I'm not eating enough? (sigh).

This week I have to ensure I eat all the points available to me daily. That's going to be tough to do. I get 39 points a day, which is meaningless to you if you haven't been to Weight Watchers. For those of you that aren't familiar - 1 cup of beef equals 8 points. If I only ate beef all day then I would have to eat 6 f*****g cups of beef in a day to reach my total points allowance. That's a helluva lot of beef. Imagine trying to reach that while eating mostly fruits and vegetables as expected. It aint easy.

Anyway, I'm going to try and bask in the fact that I'm one pound less and that I didn't gain any weight.

What I Did on my Winter Vacation

2009-01-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

It was a good break away from the blog for the last couple of months, but now I'm back.

Somehow during my vacation I lost almost 10 pounds. I can't figure out how. I sure as hell wasn't trying. But, now I'm down to 284 pounds. I've joined Weight Watchers to keep the trend going. It's kind of a pain in the ass tracking points for the food I eat, but I've heard nothing but good feedback from friends of mine who joined. Now I get myself weighed each week and sit in a meeting with a group of women.

Balanced, balanced, balanced. That's how my mental state has been. I've had no wild roller coaster rides with my emotions. No large highs followed by deep lows in awhile. It feels good to feel good. I do still suffer from large anxiety that keeps my body shaking virtually all the time, but at least I'm not suffering crazy manic or depressed stages and major anxiety too.

Thanksgiving was spent with friends, Christmas with Maurice's family and for New Years we celebrated at our church.

Sorry for the uneventful writing but I'm still working on the final tweaks on a website and I need to get back to it now. I should be done this week though.

Vacation is Over

2009-01-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to all three of you who realize I'm finally back and are reading this post. I popped on to say nothing fancy, nothing funny, just a little note to say thank you for staying with me during my absence. I'll now be posting regularly again. Check up on me tomorrow.

I Haven't Forgotten All of You

2008-12-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

I'm still around, just busy still. I decided that my "official" return date will be right after the new year. I may start back sooner, however, if the spirit moves. Enjoy your vacation from my nonsensical rantings until I return.

Hiatus

2008-11-18T09:47:00.001-08:00

I'm going on hiatus for awhile and am taking it easy. Basically a vacation from my blog. I hope to be back at it in a few weeks or so.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

2008-11-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

This blog has been a blessing to me. When my bipolar disorder was sending me as high as a rocket or made me want to crawl under a rock, I found writing in the blog to be extremely cathartic.

In addition to helping myself, I created this blog to teach others about living with a mood disorder. Based on the feedback I've received I feel that mission was accomplished for many.

So now my life is balanced and I'm at a crossroads. My meds are working great so I'm not having the high peaks or low valleys in my mood. In the process I seem to have lost my creative edge. I've heard from others in my support groups that this is not uncommon.

So now I have to decide what to do with my blog. Is it time to just say "mission accomplished" and move on? Sure I could continue updates on how Bradley is doing, but it would be routine stuff. Not much exciting. I had planned to switch to focusing on my diet and weight loss, but I don't have a huge interest in writing "today I ate healthy" or "I should have exercised today".

Based on all of the above I'm considering shutting the blog down. It's a difficult decision to make because I still have a strong love for it and don't want to let it go.

I'm seeking advice... Have you ever been at this crossroads? If you continued blogging, how did you become motivated again? Should I change the format? If so, to what? I've asked these questions in an older post, but now the situation is getting more grim, so I thought I'd give it another shot.

I've Been Tagged Again

2008-11-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

My good friend, BigD at gaviotacoastline has tagged me with a few questions. Here they go:

1. My favorite Saying: There are no bad days, just bad attitudes. While I don't believe this is always true, it's probably true 90% of the time.

2. What part of your personality do you wish not to pass on to your child? I'm a chronic worrier and I hope she does not turn out the same. So far it's looking like she is.

3. While driving, what’s your biggest pet peeve? People who don't understand that the right lanes are for slow driving and the left lanes are for faster driving. When someone is driving in the left lanes slowly it should not only be my right, but my duty, to run them off the road.

4. If you could change your name, what would it be? Adam has always been my favorite name. Marcus is a close second.

5. What’s the best excuse you’ve ever heard? A kid who missed baseball practice and then claimed in all seriousness that he missed because he had hoof and mouth disease.

At this point I'm suppose to tag others, but I typically skip that part. If you'd like to consider yourself tagged, then be my guest.

Another Cartoon Repeat

2008-11-12T10:28:00.000-08:00

Since my brain is still not functioning the way it should, I'm still having difficulty writing. My scanner is now working, but I'm having the same problem with cartooning. For now, I'll re-post another of my favorites that I've done.

Keith Olbermann Speaks Out

2008-11-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

There's nothing I can say to add to this video. Olbermann says it all: