Marta Daniels ( http://www.howrc.com ) explains that servers are not psychic, and therefore cannot get you what you want unless you tell them what that is.

Servers are not psychics.  If we were, we’d have a $20 a minute 900 number telling people to make careful financial decisions in the coming year or a television show where we would convince old women we connected to the spirit of  their dead husbands who are telling them…(wait for it)… the other set of keys are in the couch cushion.  But we do not possess those abilities.

So instead we wait tables, relying on our guests to tell us what they want and need. If you tell me you want your steak medium and I say “that will be a deep pink all the way through, is that okay?” and you say “yeah, yeah, okay” and then your steak arrives and you say “Take this back and have them cook it all the way, I can’t stand the sight of pink!” See, I’m not psychic, so I didn’t know you weren’t actually listening to me; I assume all people listen to the person handling their food. I personally listen to anything a person has to tell me about the food I’m going to eat, whether its a server, my husband, whoever. I also didn’t realize you had no idea what you were doing when it comes to ordering a steak, hazards of serving without ESP I suppose.

When you order a pasta that contains mushrooms, and then it arrives with said mushrooms inside, and you indignantly exclaim that you hate mushrooms and can’t possibly be expected to eat this, well, again.  I’m not psychic, so I didn’t know that you didn’t read your menu.  Again,I read anything that has anything to do with some food I’m about to eat very carefully, but maybe that’s just me.

If there is a problem with your meal, don’t sit there looking pouty.  I’m not a mind reader, and I will probably assume you are having a fight with your significant other. I’m a server, not a marital counselor, so I’ll probably steer a little clear of your table, and give y’all the space you need to work it out and get through this.  If we’re really busy, I won’t even notice that you’re pouty!  What does this mean? It means that I’m not going to see that you look unhappy and try to suss out the problem you’re having.  And since I’m not psychic, I won’t automatically know what the problem is.  If you have a problem with your meal, tell me! And for goodness sakes, tell me before the end of the meal if you hope for any resolution to the problem.

Look, servers are astute, intelligent people and we want you to have a pleasant experience. But we don’t have crystal balls, we don’t use tarot cards to execute our jobs.  You have to tell us exactly what you want and don’t want, and you have to tell us when you’re unhappy, and why. We’re not psychic,we’re not psychiatrists, and we’re not your husband, we’re the server.  I’m just saying.

RCs gripe about automatic gratuities all the time.  Like at my restaurant. We add 18% to parties of 8 or more.  Period.  Parties are a LOT of work and if a server isn’t tipped appropriately the party can actually cost the server money.  How is that possible, Marta? I hear you asking, and I’ll tell you. Most restaurants have a tip share policy wherein the server contributes 3% of all sales to a pool that is redistributed to other front of the house/non-server employees.  This would be the bussers, the host staff, the bartender, etc.  Simply put, if you come in with a group of 20 and spend $500, I’m giving my restaurant $15 for the privilege of waiting on you.  That’s $15 if you give me a $100 (20%) tip, and that’s $15 if you run me ragged, then decide to nitpick about one stupid little thing like not getting enough hot fudge on one person’s sundae so you can justify leaving me $10 (which is 2% and you might as well have kept that) even after I got you more hot fudge.  Automatic gratuity insures that it does not cost me money to wait on you, because trust me, I’d rather spend my money on something else, like my bills.  Gratuity on large parties is there, its not going anywhere.  So Rule #1 is: Call ahead of time and determine whether the restaurant you plan to have your party at charges an automatic gratuity.  If it does, be prepared to pay up, or find another restaurant to celebrate Uncle Larry’s 50th at.

Some people seem to think the time they made the reservation for is arbitrary.  Like, “I know we made the reservation for 7, but I’m sure that means we’ll be there by 7:30, definitely before 8, I mean we’ll be there 7ish…” Let me explain something here. When you make a reservation for 20 people at 7PM, we reserve four or five tables at about 6:30, quarter to 7.  We also reserve one or two servers at that time.  Here’s what I mean by reserve. We don’t seat anyone at those tables, no matter how busy we get, and we don’t have that server(s) take any tables, no matter how busy things get.

So when you show up at quarter to 8 with 12 people, we’ve got a problem.  We’ve actually got a bunch of problems.  First of all, we had other people who were forced to wait, even though they saw perfectly good tables sitting idly by, unused for the better part of an hour. Those people could have sat, eaten, and been finishing up dessert by the time you and your posse arrived.  The server(s) made $2.65 an hour for that time and that’s it, when they could have easily fit in a few tables during the wait.

Now, you show up with two tables less worth of people, but you’ll probably try to keep the five tables and spread your stuff all over them thinking hey, they’re reserved for us, right? Wrong! They were reserved for you AND 8 OTHER PEOPLE, and all of you were supposed to be here almost an hour ago! Or, on the flip side, you walk in with 30 people and expect us to magically come up with two or three more empty tables, next to the ones we held for you, and at least one other server to assist you. Nuh-Uh.  Rule #2: Arrive on time to your reservation with the people who were originally coming with you, no more, no less.

I understand that things do come up, emergencies happen, unforeseen circumstances, yada, yada, yada.  But there is this marvelous little invention called the telephone? You push buttons with numbers on them and get connected to people and places, like restaurants where you have reservations.  In fact, I believe you originally secured this reservation with one of these miraculous devices! So Rule #3: If you will be late to your reservation, if you will have a number that is greater than or less than 2 away from the original number of people you quoted to us (if you booked a party of 20 and there will be less than 18 or more than 22 people with you in actuality) THEN CALL AND LET US KNOW IN A REASONABLE (an hour before your reservation at the very least) AMOUNT OF TIME so we can make the necessary arrangements.

Bottom line is this.  Restaurants make more money seating and re-seating smaller (six or less) tables than they do on large parties.  Sometimes, when all the hoopla of Uncle Larry’s 50th is said and done,  you cost  more money in food, labor, and inconvenience to other guests than you make for the restaurant. So realize that restaurants are bending over backwards to accommodate you, and have the decency to show up at the time you told us you wanted to come, with the number of people you said you wanted to bring, call us if anything has changed, and pay the gratuity we charge all parties of your size (the gratuity that is clearly stated on the front of the menu).  Thank you in advance.

Ken went from social worker to cafe and restaurant owner and then to
 consultant, trainer and founder of the popular industry website
http://www.profitablehospitality.com/ . The site features a wide range of
management resources and cost-control systems for restaurants, cafes,
 hotels and bars. Based in Sydney, Australia, he visits the US each year for the NRA Restaurant Show in Chicago during May, and tries to add a side trip to other US or European cities. His favourite big cities in the world: Paris, Prague and Chicago.

Ken says: ‘In a bookshop I head for the business, food or crime sections. If there’s a choice of films, I go for the European. On TV, British crime and comedy is always first choice, although The Wire and The Shield have been recent favourites on DVD. Weekends will find me at nearby Bondi Beach if possible and for a casual meal I prefer Thai or Indian. Now that I’m out of restaurants, I’ve changed from night owl to morning person, so by 6am I’m usually walking around the local park, listening to podcasts. I like finding new software and online services to use on my mac, and enjoy updating my Twitter posts @kenburgin. I love order and systems (that’s what my business is about!) but usually have an untidy desk…nothing seems to fix it!’

Thanks Ken!! You’re clearly a renaissance man, and How to Be a Better Restaurant Customer is a huge fan of yours!!

Those of you who want to know more about Ken can keep up with him through his business website of on Twitter.

Web: http://www.profitablehospitality.com/

Twitter: http://twitter.com/KenBurgin/

Ladies, ladies, ladies! Why, as a demographic, are we such difficult restaurant customers? I’m not trying to say that there aren’t prima donna diva male RCs, because there are! Trust me there are.  Its just that 75% of all difficult customers are female, and this is a fact.  Ask any server you know, male or female.  In fact, some wait staff might put that at an even higher percentage than I did!

I’m all about sisterhood and solidarity, but here’s the thing: ladies, the attitude problems are not cute! Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.  I came to a table of men and women to take an order.  When I got to one of the women, she told me to hold on a moment.  Then she turned to the rest of her group and informed them that she “never eats anything off of the menu at a restaurant.  I always have to create my own thing, I don’t want to eat things other people eat.  I’m unique, and I deserve to eat unique things!” And she proceeded to make my life miserable by giving me the most difficult order she could think of.  Men don’t insist on doing things like that, because they are not that insecure!

A lot of you ladies out there are thinking, hey, I’m not like that! I don’t go to extremes like that, I’m not that high maintenance! And maybe you’re not- that high maintenance.  But you’ve got to admit that you always alter at least one thing you order from the menu, wherever you go. I guarantee you that 90% of the women out there have never eaten a meal at a restaurant exactly as it is described on the menu, no alterations whatsoever.  And that small group of you who have? Your a waitress, or you used to be.  Guaranteed.

Another irritating thing about women? The separate checks. Ladies, you will come in a group of seven. Each of you will get a diet coke, a cup of soup or a salad, and a baked potato.  That’s it.  You will insist upon separate checks.  You will all pay your $6.47 check with a $20, and you will all want your change in a variety of denominations with plenty of ones included- in a hurry, because you’re always in a hurry to leave after you ask me to do a twenty minute cash transaction.

But, and here’s the kicker! You will not be prepared to pay the check for AGES! You’ll be in a hurry once you’re ready for the check, but that won’t be for hours!  In the meantime, you will all ask for dozens of diet coke and free bread refills, you will push minuscule shreds of lettuce around the salad bowl, and talk and talk and talk and laugh and laugh and laugh.  This wouldn’t be a problem, except the seven of you insisted on taking up 15 chairs because you each need a chair for your coat and purse.  Also, you will demand separate checks eventually as outlined above, but you will each leave me $1.50, which is not worth the laps I had to run refilling your free refills a million times, nor is it worth the hours of table rent, because that’s what has happened here ladies, you have CAMPED OUT!

On the flip side of the gender coin.  Men will come in a group of four max, they don’t do the huge numbers.  They will order wings and cheese fry apps, beers and Jack and cokes, steaks, potatoes, salads (exactly how the menu describes them) and sides of fried shrimp.  They will stay for the length of time it takes to eat the meal, perhaps one round of drinks after they’re done eating, and that’s it! They are done hanging out, there is no more catching up to do, even if they haven’t seen each other in YEARS!! So the bill comes, and instead of demanding separate checks because “we all have twenties, or we all have debit cards, or we all just feel like being difficult” they spend about forty-five seconds arguing over who’s got it.  They settle on who’s got it, or they calculate how much they each owe and throw the cash in, or one guy puts it on his credit card and the other three owe him thirty five bucks apiece.  SO EASY! They leave me an awesome tip, and they’re out.

Ladies, lets try and take a page from the men, shall we? Lets stop being nitpicky witchy campers, and start being easy-going, drama free, considerate customers.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1_0d3ARFec

And maybe this is just me. Maybe this makes sense to everyone else but me, but how does this sound? Six young guys come in, all about 16-19 years of age.  Two of them order a burger, fries, and a coke.  The third guy orders fries and a water.  The fourth guy orders a lemonade, and the two remaining guys order nothing.  And I mean, nothing.  Like, clearly embarassed to ask me for a water even.

Guys three, four, five and six devour the complimentary bread like a pack of starving wolves or something and cheerfully send me back for eight more loaves.  Why? Because they are HUNGRY! When the food comes for the first two guys (oh, and lets not forget Guy Number Three’s side order of french fries!) the remaining guys descend upon their plates like vultures, eating up all their fries.  And of course, they ask for, you guessed it, several more loaves of bread.  And why not? I mean, lets face it, teenage boys are always hungry!

Here’s my question.  Why did they come to my casual dining restaurant, where the average guest check is about $12 per person at lunch, $18 per person at dinner? Clearly two-thirds of the group did not have the funds necessary to eat at my restaurant.  Not only that, two-thirds of the group (ironically the boys without any money) don’t have the manners necessary to eat at my restaurant.  And, as I find out at the end of the meal, 100% of them do not have the funds and/or sense to leave a decent tip at my restaurant.  This is clear by the $30.00 left on the $29.64 tab.  And, are you kidding me? One of the lads actually asks me for the 36 cents before they rough-house their way out of my restaurant.  Unbelievable.

Here’s the thing.  As a teenager, I was what you would consider poor.  Six kids on my dad’s janitor salary- well, you do the math.  I sure didn’t have an allowance.  But if I was hanging out with a group of my friends, I would have been way too embarassed to sit at an actual restaurant and guzzle water and inhale bread for an hour.  That’s what the Dollar Menu was invented for! That third kid who ordered fries that come to $2.65 with tax? For 53 more cents he could have had a drink, a fry, and a burger at Mickey D’s, no tip required.  It’s not rocket science, it’s common sense.  I’m just saying.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbCXTql37IU