One of the lies we tell ourselves is that if we stay busy enough, we can outrun our pain.

The pain comes from the stories inside ourselves.

You know … that voice in the back of your head that keeps saying all those mean things about you?

Busy is a way to numb and distract ourselves from that voice + those stories.

The problem … no matter how busy you are, those stories remain inside of you … and they begin to grow.

Those painful stories are like weeds. Unattended, they spread and start to take over your garden.

What to do instead?

• Stop the numbing.
• Stop the busy.
• Unpack the stories.
• Own what is true and what are more lies you tell yourself.
• No matter what … LOVE YOURSELF.

You don’t have to be perfect to be amazing.

Your flaws are your mistakes and learning experiences.

Your strengths are also your truth. Own them.

Tend to the weeds in your garden, it really doesn’t take that long when done on a frequent basis.

Own all of your stories … the ones you are proud of AND the ones that show your imperfections.

Love yourself.

Now you won’t have to use busy-ness to numb, hide away, and be exhausted.

Instead, you can enjoy your beautiful + messy life.

smiling,

P.S. Make sure you are subscribed to my podcast, How She Really Does It. While you’re at it, leave a review on Apple Podcasts! Click here.

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You think it’s your life situations that create your worthiness.

The truth is your lack of worthiness doesn’t come from:

• Your job.
• Your horrible boss.
• Your marital status.
• How much money you don’t make.
• The number on the scale.

Ready to know what creates your worthiness?

The thoughts you believe over and over about yourself determine your worthiness.

This is your moment of truth.

The moment you decide to believe that you must hustle for worthiness … or the moment you realize that you get to believe in yourself + your worthiness.

It’s up to you to decide in this moment – you are worthy.

Just because you have flaws doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. Your brain is full of thoughts like this that are wrong.

Of course you can be worthy if you accept + love all of yourself.

Of course you can be worthy if you stop thinking “there’s something wrong with me.”

The bottom line? 

Only you get to decide that “I am worthy right here, right now, all of me.”

I want to help you find what’s REALLY standing in your way. With me as your coach, you will:

• Understand where you are. You’ll learn what’s standing in your way, how to feel your feelings and move through them.
• Create your path: You’ll learn how to manage your mindset so you can believe in yourself to create the life you want and become the best version of you.

Apply to work with me here.

smiling,

The post Your moment of truth appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

My client was frustrated with her mother. 

As an adult daughter, my client viewed her mother as controlling. 

Sound familiar? Oh those mother-daughter relationships.

When she views her mother as controlling, my client gets:

• Short with her mother.
• Gives herself permission to indulge in her self-destructive behaviors.
• Has a party in her mouth with food.
• Puts up armor that creates disconnection + resentment for both of them.

To view her mother as “controlling” carries a high cost to my client.

To view her mother as “controlling” allows my client to rebel against her mother.

My client has forgotten that she is an adult and she has the power of choice.

Her mother is not the boss of her.

She can make her own decisions.

Once my client realized her mother was a strong woman, and really not controlling her, she was able to see what she was missing out on.

By viewing her mother as controlling, she’s missing out on a woman who loves her very much.

By viewing her mother as controlling, she’s missing out on having the support she needs from someone who totally has her back.

By viewing her mother as controlling, she’s missing out on receiving the love she hungers for and instead of filling herself with food.

By viewing her mother as controlling, she’s missing out on a woman who can offer her love + connection along with healthy boundaries.

By viewing her mother as controlling, she didn’t realize her mom has her own life to lead as well.

By viewing her mother as controlling, she’s missing out on someone who she actually has a really good time with.

My client viewed her mother as controlling because she didn’t know how to transition from being a child to an adult daughter.

To perceive her mother this way allowed her to justify her behavior to herself.

But it also caused my client tremendous pain and resentment. She wanted love. She wanted connection. She also wanted her own space and the ability to make her own decisions.

She’s letting go of her story that her mom is controlling.

She’s learning to have boundaries.

She’s reminding herself she is the leader of her life.

She gives herself permission that she ultimately gets to make the final decisions in her life.

She knows her mom has strong opinions and that does not mean they are facts, they are opinions.

She is practicing being vulnerable and receiving love.

She is loving her mom now and that feels way better than the resentment and pain she lived with for so long when she viewed her mother as controlling.

The next time you see someone as controlling … what if you were to let go of that story, who would you see? How would this person be a gift to you in your life?
Remember you are the leader of your life. You get to say yes and no.

smiling,

P.S. Making your own decisions and being the leader of your life requires self-trust. If you could use some help in that area, I have a comprehensive on-demand workshop on the subject. Click here to learn more and get the workshop.

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You believe you must do better.

You believe you must be better.

STOP right now.

Did you know we are hardwired to grow?

Let’s look at babies. 

They live the life of luxury.

A baby cries and gets fed.

A baby pees/poops and gets changed.

A baby gets carried and swaddled.

A baby gets constantly picked up and moved.

A baby starts to want to do things on their own…sit, crawl, stand and then walk.

We are naturally made to grow + evolve to the next version of ourselves.

Babies don’t say “I never want to walk because I love being carried around.”

NO!!! Instead they squirm and get themselves down to practice walking.

They love themselves and are glowing with pride when they learn new skills.

Be curious about your life…like a baby who is curious.

Grow and learn from a place of curiosity not a place to prove yourself.

As adults we beat ourselves into doing better + being better because we are hustling for our worthiness.

This hustle is because we are trying to outrun the shame we are feeling.

This is an exhausting way to evolve.

Instead we need to be like babies.

Be curious, loving + proud of ourselves.

You will evolve into your next version of yourself and it’s a way better way than hustling.

smiling,

P.S. Want a push towards evolving to the next version of yourself? Check out my Dare to Lead group coaching program. Click here!

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Compassion is the biggest motivator for change.

Compassion is the pathway to growth … and to blowing your mind about what’s possible for YOU.

This is counter to the culture.

We were taught to beat ourselves up. To hate on ourselves. To make ourselves small. And then, maybe, you will achieve!

That’s totally wrong. And there’s plenty of research to prove it!

Our relationship with ourselves is foundational.  There’s no need to beat yourself up because you aren’t currently being compassionate. Practicing self-compassion is something we ALL have to practice, especially in the areas where we are challenging ourselves.

Growth is painful.

It’s much easier to not be great.

• You don’t challenge your brain.
• You don’t challenge your status quo.
• You can hide.

A lot of people choose to hide in their life.

• One way to justify this is by blaming others – bosses, colleagues, spouses, family members..
• One way to justify this is to believe that all that’s impossible for oneself.
• One way to justify this is to numb with food, drugs/alcohol, relationships, netflix, phones, social media, work, etc

However deep down we know our painful truth….we want more for ourselves. And that is some scary shit!

We have forgotten how great it is when once we are on the other side … and we obtain our goal….BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD

• The path to getting there is not easy.
• The path to getting there exposes all of our clutter
• The path to getting there is filled with fallen down moments.
• The path to getting there is filled with the choices we make after those fallen down moments.
• The path to getting there is the courage we use to get back up and continue.
• The path to getting there is believing hard in ourselves.

Again it’s who you become in the process of obtaining your goals that’s so empowering.

• The relationship you have with yourself becomes transformed.
• You become someone you can rely on.
• You become someone who has your own back.
• You become someone who owns your truth about the areas in which you SUCK!
• You become someone who owns your strength.
• You become someone who loves all of you…your strengths as well as the areas in your life where you totally suck (we all do).

The thing is when you really show up in your life….You are fully alive.

Really, is there any other option?

smiling,

P.S. Ready for more? Check out my on-demand workshop, Trusting Yourself.

The post Is there any other option? appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

When I was a junior in college, I secretly pursued a HUGE GOAL for myself. I wanted to be a National Champion in the 200 yard butterfly at the Division II NCAA’s.

I told no one. Because I could not risk failure and losing “face” if it did not come true.

But that’s another discussion. Today I’d like to talk about achieving your goal … and the reaction that other people have when that happens.

Fast forward to March of my junior year, 7 months into my season after establishing my goal. I returned to my college as a National Champion.  Yay! I achieved a goal and overcame a huge limiting belief that good things can’t happen to me.

A week earlier, prior to leaving for the national championships, the guy I was spending time with, and I had made plans to have dinner upon my return. Back in the early 1990s we did not have cell phones, texts, + emails. And remember, phone calls were too expensive for college students to make when one was halfway across the country.

On returning to my apartment, I called him to let him know I was back in town.  He was a bit cold, but said he’d call back soon.

I waited.

I waited, tummy rumbling.

I waited, tummy rumbling, and anger welling up inside me.

He never called that night. In fact it took over three weeks to get connected again. That’s a long time to wait for dinner.

You see, he too was an athlete, but in a different sport.  He wanted to be a National Champion. Now, I’d become one, and his teammate/roommate had achieved this accomplishment the year before. Two people he knew were National Champions … but he was not.

He was stuck in “compare and despair.”  Instead of being inspired by our achievements, he built up walls of jealousy and bitterness between us.

I’d taken his lack of action to mean that there was something wrong with me.  He didn’t like me anymore, I was too much.

This only reinforced the messages I’d received throughout my life as a female … don’t be too much. Stay small (as a 5’11’ female w/broad swimming shoulders), don’t create problems, don’t make others feel less than, don’t stand out for others to take me down.

For those three weeks, I hurt.  Yes I did finally eat dinner late that evening by myself, but it was not the celebration I had expected.  I had believed once I achieved my success all good things would flow my way. Instead I found myself more alone than I’d ever been in college.

And it grew worse, because in the space of silence and no connection, I was alone with my mind. And each day my mind became meaner and nastier to me.

So, as a 20-year-old young woman, what did I learn from this situation?

• Others may stop liking me if I become successful
• I am not allowed to celebrate my success
• Don’t be seen
• I am taking up too much space in this world
• If I succeed, he’ll feel bad about himself

If you had asked me a year earlier, if that would be the outcome of my life after accomplishing a huge life goal, I would not have believed it. I thought once I achieved success, I’d be “popular” and finally be good enough to be liked by others.

Instead? I was even more alone.

I buried all of it deep in my heart. I didn’t talk about it with anyone else in my life, as I blamed myself for being too much and not enough … his reaction proved it! I was just filled with too much shame to share my own personal struggle with anyone.

Somehow, I found the strength to meet up with him one last time, use my voice and discuss how that night was not okay. Back then, the only thing I knew how to do was end our relationship. I did not know how to work through the mess, the shit storm.

In addition to ending it, I subconsciously made a decision to become very small in my life. I allowed a certain level of success in, but was careful about how much. I did not repeat my national title win in my senior year … instead I placed 3rd.

I called myself 80% successful.

I spent the next chapter of my life, waiting for permission to be successful, approval whoring from others that I had the right to gain access, and carefully guarded myself to not be too much.

On the outside, I looked successful, however I was not too successful.

On the inside, I had a deep hunger for more. I was frustrated with what I had achieved. I wanted more of a challenge, but was afraid my circle of people would get even smaller. I filled my hunger with food and more food.

Then I decided I had to be brave.

I started taking small steps in the direction of pursuing what I wanted.

I started making new goals, after stopping for so many years.

I stopped waiting for permission from others.

I stopped seeking approval from others.

I started pursuing my goals.

I showed up in my life.

I let myself be seen.

I let people love me.

I let people hate me.

I focused on me.

Yes, still scary.  But the cost of not showing up in my life was huge and numbing. Now I feel all those same feelings – fear, vulnerability, shame along with self-love, joy, self-compassion.

And I no longer tolerate those who don’t want to share in my successes, as well as my messes. I am no longer willing to be small in my life.

What about you? Are you ready to be seen?

smiling,

The post Why you’re holding back appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Whenever I do something completely new (something I don’t have a lot of confidence in and/or have no control over the outcome) I often notice:

• The tight shoulders.

• The pressure.

• The mental drama in my brain.

• The procrastination.

• The busyness that doesn’t accomplish anything.

• The voice in the back of my head that says you don’t know how to do it. It won’t be good enough. So stop now!!!

That list, my friend, is just the price of entry for me. Am I really willing to overcome this new thing, or will I succumb?

And I’d bet you have your own list.

STOP thinking it should be happening any other way. It’s happening exactly the way it’s supposed to.  This is merely the price of doing new things.

As Byron Katie says “when you argue with reality, you lose 100% of the time.”

So stop that! Stop putting yourself in losing situations and creating more mental drama.

Instead, remind yourself “of course I have tight shoulders + feel pressure. This is part of my process of doing new things.  With more practice, this will no longer be a new thing”

Regarding the mental drama in my brain, well it’s completely unnecessary and a way to indulge so I don’t have to overcome and be vulnerable. 

Which then leads to the procrastination and not getting anything done.  Along with the complete insane busyness that only amounts to fluttering around and then exhaustion.

See how that progression occurs, how I created it out of thin air?

Instead, know that doing new things is a challenging and uncomfortable undertaking.  But this discomfort is part of the process and your willingness to be vulnerable (uncertain, emotional exposure + risk) is the pathway to creating what your heart desires.

Go. Do new things. It will be okay. In fact, in the end, it will be fantastic. Trust me.

smiling,

The post Do new things appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Does the judgment of other people stop you in your tracks?

Are you afraid of being judged, and “stay small” in your life?

Here’s the thing … no matter what, people will judge you.

In fact, it’s not really other people’s judgment we are afraid of. It’s that their judgment could be true.

Instead of making yourself small in your life or approval whoring to try and become what others want you to be … check in with yourself to see what part of their judgment is true versus what isn’t.

After you’ve checked in with you, reach out to someone who’s on your team. They have your back, and love + support you. And most importantly, they will be honest with you.

Ask this person who has earned the right to hear your story and give you feedback, what they see as true and not true.

Now you get to decide … continue on in this manner or, if this is not an aspect of how you want to show up in your life, cultivate a new way of being.

But if you make this change, it has to be in alignment with who you want to be, not who others want you to be … and to do it, you must be rooted in love not self-hatred.

smiling,

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Yes, I know you’ve heard it before … you’re worthy as you are, right now, right here.

But you don’t believe it.

In fact you don’t believe you’re worthy of love + belonging just as you are.

You’ve been living by made up rules that promise worthiness:

•     you must be accomplished
•     you must be a certain size
•     you must be beautiful (damn wrinkles and gray hair) 
•     you must be the ultimate step-mom
•     you must be the perfect date
•     you must make $$$
•     you must have the perfect job
•     you must look perfect 
•     you must look to have everything under control
•     you must be perfect so you can be worthy

But those rules never deliver on their promise, do they?

Instead, the shame inside of you festers and continues to grow driving you further and further away from your own worthiness.

So, what do you do with all this unworthiness?

Eat ice cream!

Eat three bowls like I used to. Why not, it’s the first step to beating the hell out of yourself.

Numb out on your Instagram feed, looking at all those people who do have worthy lives.

Okay that only makes you feel worse.

Get really, really busy overworking so you can feel “accomplished.”

Except you are now exhausted and loathing yourself even more.

I get it, you tried to distract yourself from feeling unworthy.  But as you can see it doesn’t work.

What can you do instead?

• Dump your worthy rules. They’re only creating pain + unnecessary suffering.
• Remind yourself this quest for perfection is not working. How do you know this? Check in with yourself. Do you feel worthy on your quest for perfection?
• Tell yourself 10 x a day “I am worthy of love + belonging.” It’s time to fill your mind up with this phrase and take space over the voices of those self-hating stories you fill your brain up with daily.

If you want to feel worthy you, must stop with the list of never measuring up and instead remind yourself over and over and over and over again you are worthy right here, right now.

You will be astonished at the change you see in yourself.

smiling,

P.S. Besides shame, there are 2 other obstacles that get in your way of worthiness. Grab this DIY digital workshop to find out what they are and how to overcome those obstacles.  It’s totally doable. CLICK HERE

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One of my clients had a belief … that her partner must be 100% honest (100% of the time) to be in a loving + connected relationship.

As you can imagine, this belief led to difficult and short relationships … until she realized that she herself couldn’t live up to her own demands.

Another client believed she either had to work towards building her own business, OR work full-time for a company that was an incredible opportunity.

This belief paralyzed her. While she was searching for the “perfect” answer, she was being completely blind to this new world of work, that she could work for a company four days a week and then for herself on the fifth.

They both suffered from all or nothing thinking.

This kind of thinking puts you in a corner where you can only be right or wrong. And none of us ever want to be wrong. It limits curiosity and places what is actually possible for you inside the prison walls.

The truth is that there are many ways to do something. I call this the “space in between.”

All or nothing is often correlated to black and white thinking. I invite you to live in the grey.

In one sense, all or nothing is an easier way to live, it becomes easier to distinguish what’s ok and what’s not. But it also comes with the painful cost of living inside those prison walls.

Remember “Marco Polo,” the game you played as a kid in the pool? It was about getting warmer (or colder) as you swam toward or away from the ball.

Use your memory of that simple game to practice living in the grey areas of your life. Are you getting warmer or colder?

Is your partner able to have courageous conversations with you (warmer)? Do you enjoy working for the company 4 days a week and one day a week for yourself (warmer)?

Continue heading in the “warmer” grey area. You’ll enjoy this so much more than an “all or nothing” mindset that’s keeping you locked up.

smiling,

P.S. Unlock your potential, change the structure of your professional and personal life, and start living – join my upcoming group coaching program, Dare to Lead. 

The post All, or nothing at all appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

You can’t act with confidence when you hate yourself. That would not be confidence, it would be a lie.

Let’s look at the definition of confidence:

• the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
• a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
• the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.

When you hate yourself, you are not cultivating appreciation of your abilities.

When you hate yourself, but try to act with confidence you are living a lie instead of your truth.

To act with confidence you have to stop hating yourself.

It’s time to make a list of all the things you appreciate about you.  Ready, set, go…

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

I appreciate ___________________ about myself.

Yes we’re starting with ten.

It’s okay if it’s hard. You have some old hardwiring that we need to change.

But this, my friend, is how you act with confidence.

You stop the war with yourself and YOU start appreciating you!

Isn’t it time you began tapping into your true power?

smiling,

The post How to act with confidence when you hate yourself appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Shit storms is one of my favorite phrases.

I live an amazing life. Truly I do. But I also acknowledge there are many shit storms throughout my day/week.

By acknowledging these shit storms, I am able to own my story and have less pain from my reality. If I believed these situations should not be happening, that would cause me pain and suffering.

My recent shit storms were:

• Owning my voice in a community forum and standing my ground even when the other party tried to silence me through shame and authority
• Receiving an angry email from an AquaMonsters parent
• Being uninvited to an event I was looking forward to

My old way of being would be to argue (inside of my head) that this should not be happening. That only creates more suffering for me.

Instead I remind myself this is a shit storm and this is exactly where I am supposed to be because this is where I am right now. I also remind myself that all storms pass and the sun will shine again. This allows me to remember my current shit storm will not be my forever situation. I will be able to move through it.

Next time you go through a shit storm, stop arguing that it should not be happening. Remind yourself there will be beauty after the storm for you to discover.

smiling,

P.S. Have you used the Shit Storm Workbook yet? It’s full of exercises and resources that will bolster your resilience for that next shit storm.

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Years ago, I interviewed Peter Walsh and he told me the key to his success:

Commit 100%, totally commit. Be absolutely all-in.

Wow. 100% commitment means no room for wobble or self-doubt.

Peter then shared his second key to success: Re-evaluate in 6 months. This isn’t for the rest of your life. The 6 months is a container to support you. This 6 month period gives you the space to commit to your goal 100% absolutely.  And then you know there will be an opportunity to re-evaluate to check-in:

Is this working for you?

What are you learning?

How does this commitment feel now that you have been doing it for six months?

Does this commitment need to end or be tweaked in order to work for you?

You get to decide. We are often afraid to commit because we have a belief that we are forever locked into this commitment. But you are the leader of your life. Once you have given 100% commitment and six months, you will have a great amount of information to clarify what is next for you.

Pick a commitment.  It could be going to bed by 10pm. It could be journaling every morning for 10 minutes to declutter your brain. It could be creating your next job in corporate america. It could be pursuing online dating. Pick ONE commitment, dive into it wholeheartedly and commit with absoluteness for 6 months. Be a compassionate observer in your life as you watch without judgment or drama. Indulging in the drama in your head and second guessing yourself is not allowed for six months.

Mark your calendar for the 6 months date because you know it will be here sooner than you realize.  On that day, ask the above questions. Then make a new commitment for 6 months.

I am so excited for you.

smiling,

P.S. Need something to commit to? Take a look at Dare to Lead, my upcoming group coaching program. You really can do this …

The post Where will you be in six months? appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Movies, songs, tv shows, books, magazines. They’re filled with evidence of the unending quest to find love. The quest for connection.

Does your current “state of love” look anything like this artwork by Alexander Milliav?

It takes courage to LOVE.

It’s so easy to turn our backs on those we love, while at the same time, our insides are deeply trying to reach out and connect.

Be brave.

Turn around.

Face each other.

Let it be messy.

Give yourself permission to love the other.

Give yourself permission to love as the other struggles and turns their back on you. 

Keep turning and facing this person.

Show up with love.

Stop turning away.

Face the person with the love you have inside of you.

Stay forward looking no matter how tempting it is to turn away.

This is the most courageous thing you will ever do.

Love with your full heart.

smiling,

The post LOVE appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Bring it on.

If you are going to mess with me, I’ll fuck with you.

Sound familiar?  That’s the first step to going gladiator.  

Going gladiator is when someone comes at you and you puff up. But really, it’s a way to disconnect from that awful feeling of shame (the voice of you are not enough and who the hell do you think you are).  Going gladiator is a shield to shame, but it comes at a high cost.

My client was negotiating salary with a C-level employee.  He wanted more and started to puff up with demands, which triggered my client’s shame of if I hold my ground, I’ll be a bitch. But instead of hearing that shame gremlin, my client became defensive. She got angry. She puffed up.

It may feel momentarily powerful to take a defensive stand, but the cost is quite high. For my client, it meant an unresolved contract.  A leadership struggle, and a loss of trust. She is mad, angry and spending a lot of energy indulging in the drama of what has been said.

If this sounds familiar, don’t fret. I’m right there with you. Going gladiator is still my top strategy. Why? Because my knee jerk reaction is to protect myself from a threat.

Awareness is the key to making changes. Start here.

Feel your shame, instead of disconnecting from it. Understand the stories in the back of your brain that are fueling it.

Now when you walk into the meeting, you are aware of your shame and your shame stories. This awareness allows you to be more grounded as you negotiate your salary.

smiling,

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As a young female leader, I made a decision about how I would lead.

I could be “nice.”

If I did that, I would be walked all over, while also being responsible for bringing cupcakes for my employee’s birthdays.

Or, I could be a “bitch.” 

Then I would not have to be responsible for bringing cupcakes or birthday acknowledgments, while also hindering the possibility of being walked over by my staff.

I chose “bitch.”

Thank goodness. No cupcake making here!

The consequence was less connection and more fear from those around me.

The consequence was lots of my personal energy to put up this armor of “bitch.”

But I didn’t know a better way as a young female leader + I didn’t want to be perceived as soft or nice.

My answer was the all too familiar “all or nothing” and “black and white” mindset.

I was missing the space in between “nice” and “bitch.”

The “space in between” is the space of compassion.

There are many shades of compassion.

I can be compassionate and loving.

I can be compassionate and soothing.

I can be compassionate and understanding.

I can be compassionate and say “no.”

I can be compassionate and be fierce.

And the best news…I can be compassionate and still not make cupcakes for my staff’s birthday!

As an older female leader…I now choose to be compassionate.

From this place of compassion I’m much more confident, strong and powerful.  

Not powerful from a “I have power over you” place…but “I can do hard things, I can work through the messes leaders must face.” Power from a place of inner strength even though I might want to hide…I’m willing to show up and be brave.

There are many shades of compassion. 

You can choose where on the continuum you will lead from…it does not need to be one or the other.

smiling,

P.S. Does this sound like something YOU need to practice? Finding that place of compassion? This — among many other things — is something I talk about quite often on my podcast. Click here to subscribe on your podcast player of choice.

The post Does “nice” mean cupcakes??? appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Stop waiting. This life is not a practice run. This is real.

Don’t ask for permission. Instead, give yourself your own permission.

Manage risk, then go after what you want.

Here’s what this looks like …

One of my clients wants a new career path.  She’s a highly skilled and respected executive. She has a client commitment for the next two years which will provide enough money for her business and family.  Now, she’s being brave as she spends time serving her client and part of her time working on her next career path. Instead of filling her time with more work she no longer wants to do, she’s using newly created white space to cultivate work in an entirely new field that she’s interested in.

Another client has a successful business that still gives him time to be with his kids. He takes them to school + all their activities. He also has time during the day to work out and have time for himself …  all while his business continues to grow. He seems to have it all, but there’s a rumbling on the inside. He’s being pulled by the desire to grow his business even further, while not wanting to give up his great lifestyle. He’s working on his limiting beliefs about what the next chapter could look like without disrupting all the good he currently has in his life.

One of my former AquaMonster coaches has his own thriving business. He has worked hard at building it over the past 10 years. Now he’s opening a second location. He told me, “It’s not about the money, it’s about the challenge of seeing what we can build.”

These people are being brave as they blow their own minds by going after what they want in this one precious life. It seems easy to stay in the “this is good enough” space. To not want more, to not pursue what your heart is craving is not easy … it can be a painful place to live. To stay there you’d have to numb yourself.

To pursue challenges while managing risks as you blow your own mind is one of the most amazing experiences you can give yourself.

Unlock your potential, change the structure of your professional and personal life, and start living – join my upcoming group coaching program, Dare to Lead. 

smiling,

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I used to hate money.

I used to be afraid of money.

I believed that money did not come to people like me – the loser from loser street.

Here’s the thing, money is neutral. 

Money doesn’t cause pain or suffering. In fact, money doesn’t cause happiness either.

It’s the commonly accepted stories about money that caused my pain and suffering …

• Money is scarce.
• There is not enough money in the world, grasp what you can.
• I’m not good enough to make money. 
• I don’t deserve money.
• Money is hard to get.

Wowzer, those are definitely some limiting beliefs around money.

So, of course, I went gladiator around money and hated it. I hated people who had it. I made up stories that people who had money were evil. I chose to live poor to show money I did not need it.

Until one day, I stopped indulging in my overly dramatic stories around money and realized that money is merely an exchange we use in our culture, and there are simple tools you can use to build wealth.

Money does not correlate with my worthiness.

That’s correct: Money doesn’t correlate with your worthiness.

• Today? I love money. I have new stories about money …
• There are plenty of ways to make money.
• Money is a math problem. 
• Money is fun to make.
• I love spending money on things I value, like a fantastic cup of coffee.

If you don’t love money take a small step like I did decades ago.

Appreciate your money. Be amazed by your money. Respect your money. Value your money. Do this now. Don’t wait. It’s not about the big amounts.

It is about changing your relationship with money so you can cultivate more money in your life.

When I started rewriting my stories about money, I began to get excited when I took just $20 out of the ATM machine. This was my money. It was money I made. I was proud. I loved the $20. I got to choose how I spent it.

And today, I still get excited. It can be a penny I find on the ground, or the amount of money I make today in my business. I appreciate it all and I stopped the internal violence of hatred I had towards money.

I love money … want to join in on this money love with me? Start with just a small step of appreciation for what you have right now, then cultivate that small step day by day, toward where you want to go.

smiling,

If you want even more about this kind of mindset shift, how it can affect your relationship with money, and every other aspect of your life, listen to this podcast episode today (then pass it on to a friend that might need it). 

The post I Love Money appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

A couple of years ago I found myself in a group email thread where a male swim coach was trying to stop me from using my voice.

He did not like that I was asking hard questions, that I was willing to use my voice to speak to our governing body.

Have you ever found yourself having a straightforward, or even difficult email conversation with a few people (one you thought was a private thread) … only to find out it had been forwarded to other people without your permission?

Yep, that’s how this began for me.

Next thing I knew, this guy had removed the leadership people, added his staff, some of his colleagues, AND my husband. WHAT????

I informed him that putting my husband (who is the co-director of the AquaMonsters) was not appropriate as my opinions were my own and this was my issue. He disagreed stating that my husband should be a part of the conversation, that he should know what was going on.

We never agreed. I continued to set a boundary, informing him that this was not appropriate.

I gave myself permission to place my boundaries with or without his agreement.

When you courageously stand up in your life and use your voice, make sure you give yourself permission that appropriate isn’t something we all have to agree on. Also, it’s not something that someone else gets to set the rules for you.

Instead, listen to the voice inside of you.

• What’s your gut saying to you?
• What’s aligned with your integrity + values?

Have your own back.

Good luck!

smiling,

P.S. Need help being courageous in your life? Check out TRUSTING YOURSELF.

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You need to stop believing that making mistakes makes you a failure.

I realize we have been taught that mistakes equal an “F” in school … however, my friend, this is life, not the rules of school.

Mistakes are lessons learned … and we all go through them (and even need them). Yes, all of us.

Mistakes can make us wake up from our unconscious living.

It isn’t mistakes that make you a failure, it’s giving up that creates the failure in your life.

Failure = not getting the results you want when you stop trying.

This past weekend, I was at a swim meet and parents + other coaches did not want their kids to be given disqualification (DQ) slips, since this meet was the season opener. For these parents + coaches, they were concerned the swimmers would then view themselves as failures from the start, for making a mistake in their first race.

The intention is to protect the swimmers from failure.

Wrong.

Instead, if the swimmer does get a DQ slip later in the season, she wants to give up on the race (or even the sport) instead of overcoming this relatively small technical error by trying again.

These DQ slips can be a powerful learning opportunity. Instead of swimmers, parents, and coaches viewing it as a failure, it’s an opportunity to build resilience and cultivate confidence in oneself.

To become successful one must allow for the mistakes to occur, look at it from a place of curiosity and determination that one will learn and improve with commitment and practice.

It’s not the mistakes that make us failures, it’s the fixed mindset, along with the feeling of shame (I’m bad) that allows us to give up on ourselves. Then we truly fail as we can not create the result we truly want when we give up …

Don’t give up, your mistakes are actually a blessing.

smiling,

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In my swimming world, I am faced with a lot of obstacles surrounding “the story of swim meets.”

Years ago, Dan Pink and I had a discussion about swim meets. He did not like them, “you spent all day and if you weren’t paying attention, could miss your child’s 14 second race.”

Unfortunately, while Dan is an extremely smart man who studies organizations and has written several New York Times bestselling books, he had blindspots about his kids’ swim meets due to the stories he was telling himself.

First, swim meets are a “GIANT playdate and your house stays clean.”

Second, what Dan was missing was the learning that occurs prior to the meet, and during the meet … outside of that 14 second race.

At swim meets kids learn to:

1. overcome their anxiety.
2. practice being brave as they stand on the blocks believing the whole world is watching them … in reality, no one is watching, except maybe their coach and hopefully their parent!
3. connect with other humans (kids, adults, coaches, volunteers). In this digital age, swim meets are an excellent time to play cards, run around the pool together, pull out the legos and build something as a group of kids, and cultivate patience as they wait for their race.
4. practice developing a growth mindset. This of course would be Dan Pink approved. It’s tough being a kid these days. They aren’t allowed to fail. If they do that in school, their academic options may alter dramatically. Kids don’t have much recess or play time to discover how to work things out.  At a swim meet, they can fail and it won’t be costly (outside of getting disqualified and not earning a ribbon or a qualifying time).
5. engage their brain before, during and after a race. Prior to the race, their coach will give them directions on what to focus on while they race. During the race, the child will have the opportunity to execute what they are supposed to do. After the race they can discuss what worked and what did not work.
6. receive feedback – both what went well and what sucked. This allows the child to cultivate resilience and experience the truth that they don’t have to be perfect to be amazing.

Over time, my MONSTER parents have changed their stories about these swim meets.

When they begin to see beyond the old stories about how horrendous the meets are, they are able to see the beauty of swim meets and the value it brings to their family, as well as their child’s development.

I bet I even changed your story about swim meets with my reframe above …

What stories are getting in your way and creating huge blind spots. Isn’t it time to rewrite that story?

smiling,

P.S. This tool will take you through the four steps to changing your thoughts and stories. Get it here: THE MINDSET JOURNAL

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I had it all wrong.

I thought I had to be better than I could possibly be.

I thought I had to achieve great success.

I thought I had to be perfect.

Then, if I could achieve all of these things, I’d be loved.

I would finally be worthy of love + belonging. The thing my heart ached for.

The problem with this theory is that these rules are unattainable because the bar is not defined, and yet so high.

Instead of trying to go outside for love, it’s about loving from within first.

Love from within, regardless of your mistakes and “fallen down” moments.

Love from within, regardless of what you achieve.

Love from within, without having to be perfect (hint: there’s no such thing).

You see my friend, love is the answer you’ve been searching for your entire life. And the fantastic news is that it is already inside of you. 

Let go of the rules + the impossible standards and start loving yourself now, exactly where you are, it’s the answer you’ve been searching for your entire life.

smiling,

P.S. Still searching? Click here to check out these on-demand workshops.

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You think you’re a fraud.

You don’t know how to show up in your life because of this story.

• So you hide away. 
• You don’t show up. 
• You don’t speak out. 
• You don’t create what you want in your life.

Let’s take a look at the definition of fraud:

“A person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.”

Now, looking at that definition, do you still think you’re a fraud?

Are you intending to deceive others?

Are you claiming accomplishments that you did not achieve?

Answer YES or NO.

My hunch is the answer is NO to all of these questions.

Sure you may not know how to do something right now, but you can learn.

To show up in your life, you must start telling yourself the truth about YOU.

Instead of believing you’re a fraud …

…tell yourself right now “I don’t have certain skill sets to do X.”

…give yourself permission to be YOU.

…be all of you, your great strengths as well as the messy parts of you.

…own all of your accomplishments and failures (we all have them)

Now, from this place of telling yourself the truth about what you can really do (as well as understanding your limitations), go step out into your life.

When you tell yourself the truth about you … the lie of being a fraud lets go of it’s tightness around you.

Keep telling yourself your truths. This will reduce room for your old lies.

Embrace all parts of you … your strengths and your flaws. This will allow you to accept your truths and own your abilities.

smiling,

P.S.  Stop living the lie of believing you’re a fraud and instead let’s get you to believe in yourself. Learn the 4 steps to managing your mind.

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ALERT: You are an adult.

You no longer need someone else’s permission.

You can give yourself permission.

Stop waiting for someone else to give you permission to DO, to BE, to HAVE what you want.

As an adult you get to do that.

Give yourself permission to:

• Ask for what you want.
• Make a mistake.
• Spell incorrectly.
• Have messy handwriting.
• Have a nice space for yourself.
• Have clean counters.
• Enjoy who you are.
• Have what you really, really want.
• Enjoy your accomplishments.
• Be proud of what you do.
• Love making money.
• Not make your bed.
• Leave your dishes in your sink.
• Feel what your body is feeling.

Let go of the rules from your childhood.

You no longer need to ask for permission from others.

You can give yourself permission.

START HERE

1. Write down a list of the permissions you’ve been waiting to receive from others.
2. Who are the people you are waiting for permission from?
3. Now, cross off their name.
4. Write your name in that space.
5. Next give yourself permission.
6. Remind yourself of your permission.

THIS IS ONE OF MOST FREEING gifts you will give yourself.

You are no longer waiting for others.

You are creating for you.

I’m so excited for you.

You’ve got this!!!

smiling,

P.S. Are you ready to FINALLY give yourself permission… Give yourself the gift of Grounded Confidence.

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We are story making creatures.

Our brain is neuro-biologically wired for stories.

In the white space of not knowing … our brain creates a story.

Usually the stories we tell ourselves create prison walls + keep us away from the possibilities for our lives.

My client Natalie had one of those stories.

She works in Bio Tech.

When she came to me she was upset with her job.

The story she told herself was that she could not advance further in her career.

Unlike many of her colleagues who had PhDs, she only had a bachelors degree.

She believed this limited her ability to move up in her career.

Since she couldn’t move up in her career she fantasized about moving to France and becoming an artist.

This was her way of fleeing from her problem.

This was her way of creating a dream for herself.

It was also a way for her to create another prison wall  to show her .. . “see you can’t really have what you want.”

I challenged her on that belief – if it was true?

I asked her what she really wanted.

She really wanted:

• To stay in her field.
• More leadership opportunities.

Then she started to 

• Own what she was good at + the value that created for her company.
• Believe in herself regardless of the letters after her name. 
• Explore other companies.

She found an opening at a rival company.

She was so excited.

She was a good fit. 

She applied.

SCREECH!!!

An obstacle showed up as it does when one pursues their goals.

The other company has an agreement with her company to not “poach” employees.

She was out.

She was no longer a candidate.

She was devastated.

I challenged this company policy with her.

Were there really “no exceptions?”

As it later turned out the two CEOs met on the matter of hiring her.  

Her current company did not have a spot for her to move up and continue to grow.

The new company needed her skillset and the CEO was a former employee of her current company.

They agreed to an exception so she could be hired.

Since then she’s been promoted and earned a couple of raises.

It started with stories she told herself.

Often those stories are lies told honestly.

Natalie really believed them.

She had to really look at them and question their truth.

She had to let go of those stories.

She was then able to fully show up at work.

She was able to pursue her goals.

She was able to exceed her dreams.

She now travels to Europe on a frequent basis for work and has extended her work trips to include some fun.

smiling,

P.S. Ready to stop telling yourself lies… click here to apply for coaching with me.

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My client used busy as a status symbol for happiness.

If she was busy, she thought, she could prove to others she was worthy … and therefore would be happy.

Sure, busy fills up that vulnerable white space we covet, but are so afraid of because we are then alone with ourselves.

If you don’t like yourself …white space isn’t a pleasant space to be in.

It’s much “easier” to fill the space with busy so you don’t feel or have to manage your mindset.

If you’ve been taught you must be busy in order to be worthy, you will create an insane schedule to hustle for your worthiness.

I used to do both…These days I don’t use busy to measure happiness.

I like being with myself.

I enjoy my company.

I realize I need down time.

I’m comfortable doing nothing.

I appreciate the space to think, reflect and feel my feelings.

Instead of being busy…I prefer to be a deliberate creator of my life, to choose where I spend my energy and focus.

Instead of being busy…I feel happy because I have the space to actually feel my feelings.

Stop using “busy” to measure your happiness.  
Instead, just be happy.

smiling,

P.S. if you have trouble stepping away from being busy, try upping your confidence. Click here to get my new course, Grounded Confidence.

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A couple of obstacles parents have told me about recently …

“My daughter didn’t want to put on her new suit for swim practice.”

“My teen wasn’t happy about getting out of bed for the swim meet.”

What causes people pain is the belief that obstacles shouldn’t be happening.

While the parent of a teen is thinking, “look, I’m sacrificing my Saturday to take you to your meet, you should at least appreciate it!”

Instead, of course, the teen would rather sleep in and spend the day on social media.

The little girl who’s not so sure about swimming with the new team makes the new suit the obstacle. Because maybe she can win a victory over her parents and stay home.

Parents often walk up to me frustrated, flustered, and some even become unsure of themselves and their parenting.

There is a gap between what the parent thought was going to happen and what was actually occurring. This gap is what causes pain, suffering, and obstacles.

Byron Katie says, “when you argue with reality you lose 100% of the time.”

The next time you notice things are not going the way you think they’re supposed to be going, don’t argue with reality. Instead, say “of course this is happening.”

You will feel so much better and you’ll stop the shame storm of you thinking you’re a bad parent, spouse, daughter, employee, boss, or friend.

Instead of being in a place of shame, you’ll be rooted in your own worthiness and can overcome the obstacles.

By the way, that little girl got in the pool. Afterwards, she said she really liked her swim practice and coach.  She never mentioned anything about the suit.

And the teen who did not want to wake up was very pleasant at the meet, hanging out with his friends, scoring points for the team and challenging himself.

Of course there are obstacles, it’s our opportunity to overcome them.

smiling,

P.S. What is the key to managing the obstacles in your life? Your mindset. Get my mindset course, Grounded Confidence, right here.

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You’re not sure.

Whether to stay in your marriage, to stay in your job, rebuild that connection in your family, or to finally lose weight after so many failed attempts.

Sure, you can quit. That would be fine.

Get a divorce.

Find a new job.

Put up walls with your family and call them all crazy.

Just eat whatever the heck you want.

But before you quit …

I’d love to see you commit to the best case scenario.

You’re so worried that if you commit, maybe it still won’t work out.

But that’s not committing to the best case scenario. That’s dress rehearsing tragedy.  

Instead commit to the best case scenario.

Commit to your marriage from a growth mindset.

When things don’t work, circle back with the intention of committing to your marriage and creating one filled with love and belonging.

Before you quit your job, commit to the job you have right now.

What is it you want and what do you currently have? Do your best right now, regardless of others at your work. Notice what you love about your job. Notice what you’re good at … and keep doing it. Focus and commit to your strengths and NOT to the toxicity of your workplace culture.

For your family. What is your intention, connection?

Do all of you puff up and gladiate on each other? But when you all feel safe you can connect? Focus on connecting with each other, always with appropriate boundaries.

Commit to losing weight and being at your natural weight.

Notice what you believe about your ability to lose weight. Clean up your thinking (Ha! You thought I was going to say “eating”) and start believing you can lose weight as you learn what foods fuel your body, and what foods make your body tired.

Keep your focus on committing to the best case scenario, before you allow yourself to quit. You might just blow your mind at what you create from this place.

smiling,

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I’m blown away at the life I’ve created for myself.

If you don’t know my story, I was a girl who once believed “she was a loser born on loser street.”

I grew up poor in an alcoholic home.

My parents really loved us … however there was just a lot, a whole lot, of shame + pain.

Shame is highly contagious so we were all in constant shame storms.

My survival mechanism was to run.

I was a “flee-er.”

No I didn’t run away from home.

I hid inside of myself, disconnecting from my own self and beliefs.

I hid from my own emotions with food. It’s one hell of a numbing device.

When I made mistakes with friends, I’d be in tremendous shame, as I truly believed it was because of me and that I was the “bad” one.

I was in deep shame.

So I’d quit that friendship.

Disappear.

End things without a discussion.

As an adult, the running stopped working.

I was tired of running, heck I don’t even like to run athletically and I craved continuity + stability.

I tried to run away from my husband. Thank goodness he wouldn’t let the marriage end.

I tried to run away from my town. Thank goodness my husband wanted to stay and now I love where I live. (Best town in the USA!)

You see the problems weren’t my husband or my town.

The problem was I was living in so much shame.

I would make a mistake.

I would believe I was bad, broken and it was all my fault.

I believed the only solution was to start new.

The problem was where ever I would go; there would be me and my shame.

Facing my shame to find myself.

I had to do my work and it was an inside job.

I had to stop waiting for my husband to figure out what I wanted and instead ask him for what I wanted.

I had to stop worrying about what other people in town thought about me and start getting to know what I believed about myself.

I had to stop running and instead face myself.

I had to recognize all of me.

I had to give myself credit for the beauty inside of me.

I am fierce, strong, loyal, smart, and capable with a big old heart that I kept hidden.

I am also filled with flaws that aren’t socially acceptable.

I state my mind.

I have strong opinions.

I talk a lot.

I forget birthdays.

I can be judgmental. I’ve been working on letting this one go over the last five years.

Today my work is to love all of me.

My strengths.

My flaws.

The more I love all of me, the more I can let go of the things I use to protect my heart.

By allowing my heart out, I am able to connect with those I love.

By allowing my heart out, I am able to fully show up in both my personal + professional lives.

Because of my love for me, I want the life I have now instead of running away to start a new life somewhere else.

smiling,

P.S. I realize you’re saying, “Koren but how do I love all of me?” I’ve got you covered … Apply for coaching with me, it’s the place for you to do this work on believing in yourself.

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I help my clients stop pursuing living a perfect life and instead live the life they want on their terms.

Here’s the problem… perfection is the birthplace of shame.

You know that awful feeling inside that tells you:

• You are bad!

• You are not enough!

• There’s something wrong with you!

• You don’t belong here!

• This isn’t possible for you!

Yes, that is the voice of shame.

And perfectionism is the cause of this feeling.

It’s the belief that if I do everything perfectly, I’ll be safe and finally belong.

And I can finally live the Cinderella dream of living Happily Ever After …

But that’s not what happens when you do everything perfectly.

Perfectionism is a great way to cultivate personal self-hatred.

A standard where you verbally beat yourself up daily, without anyone ever knowing.

A relationship you eventually grow to hate because it’s so painful you numb yourself with food, alcohol, social media or just plain old busyness.

There’s a gap between what perfection promises and what it actually delivers.

In the end, the quest for living perfectly delivers great pain + suffering.

The personal self-hatred is high.

The need to numb and move away from the pain creates more problems and further disconnection.

Let’s stop trying to be perfect and instead be you.

Be all of you.

Those parts of you that are amazing.

Those parts of you that are irritating.

Those parts of you that have so much love to give to others.

Those parts of you that struggle with doubt + uncertainty.

Be all of you.

Avoid the perfectionism gap and the pain that comes with it.

Being you gives you so much freedom.

You can make mistakes and learn.

Being you requires less energy … because you don’t have to be something else.

You be YOU.  

Being you brings you JOY!

You don’t have to be perfect to be amazing.

You already are – the entire YOU!

smiling,

P.S. It’s time to let go of perfection and be YOU … apply for coaching here.

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Do you overindulge in the drama of your life?

When a friend calls, do you start the conversation with what’s not going well?

Most people live in the swampland of shame, because they don’t know any better.

Instead of focusing on where they want to go, they talk about how horrible it is to live in the swampland. Over and over and over again.

And when that friend gets tired of listening, they’ll find someone else willing to indulge in the drama with them.

They feel “safe” in this swampland. While they may be miserable, at least they know what to expect. They understand the pitfalls. They’re actually comfortable in the suckiness.

Imagine living a life where you aren’t weighed down by shame.

A life of liking and respecting yourself. A life of loving relationships. A life filled with joy, laughter, and love. A life where you love your work.

Imagine a life where you feel good about yourself, and this one precious moment you’re living in.

Yes, that’s possible. Take that first step, then the next, then the next out of the swampland. There is joy, laughter and love out there beyond … come check it out.

smiling,

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It’s a lie to believe you can somehow set up a life free of shit storms.

The storm is coming … are you prepared?

Shit storms are where growth occurs and transformation can happen.

Your brain tells you to play it safe … “No shit storms allowed.”

However, without them you’d stagnate, and you don’t want that.

You want growth, evolution, and transformation.

Instead of playing it safe and hiding from shit storms, prepare yourself.

7 ways to prepare yourself for a shit storm:

• Develop an ongoing relationship with yourself, one that’s kind and empathetic.
• Create self-awareness so you know your own stories – all of them. The ones that support you, as well as the ones that take you down. Know your triggers.
• Choose to LOVE yourself no matter what.  Self-hatred is not allowed, nor are the silent beatings you’re so good at giving yourself. Instead, talk to yourself the way you talk to those you are most kind with.
• Cultivate relationships with people who are on your team and will walk with you when you fall down. They will cheer on both your successes as well as giving you a hand in those “fallen down” moments. They’ll shower you with love and compassion. They’ll call you out on the lies you fondle that only keep you in the swamp land. They’ll walk out of the swampland with you and with the fiercest love on this planet.
• Practice feeling your feelings.  Feel these feelings in your body.  Learn to identify a specific word with each feeling. Understand which story is creating this feeling.  Listen to the message of that feeling. Lean into the feeling so you can move through it, instead of running from it.
• Take care of yourself. This isn’t the self-care of spas and baths.  This is about sleeping so your body is rested and ready to head into the shit storm. It’s not about perfect sleep, it’s about getting sleep so you can function through the storm and your potential lack of sleep. Also, fuel your body with food that gives to you, not depletes you with brain fog and exhaustion. These are two important things to do before any shit storm even comes into sight – sleep well and eat well.
• Choose stories that help you move through the shit storms. Remind yourself that we all go through shit storms … and it’s okay because you’ll move through it. And my favorite is “of course this is happening and it will be okay.”

These seven elements will prepare you for any shit storm, help you to move through it and get on the other side so you can grow, evolve + transform.

smiling,

I recently created The Shit Storm Workbook. It will walk you through the steps in this list and give you bunch of additional resources for getting through your next shit storm. Get it here!

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Parenting is one of the bravest things we do.

It’s hard. We are vulnerable and no matter how hard we try to protect ourselves, we are guaranteed to face uncertainty, emotional exposure and risk.

While I was “sure” at 20 that I would never expose myself to the vulnerability of raising kids, life had other plans for me. In my 20s I met the love of my life who also happened to have not one, but two kids.

Through their youth, I thought being a good person would protect me from the heartache of parenting teens.  If I could just do it all perfectly, I would be safe and worthy of their love and belonging.

This soon evolved into, why not have a couple more kids? I’ve got this.

As a bonus mom of two kids and a birth mom of two more, my first pathway to raising teens was a complete ass-kicking. The voices of others (in my head) were in constant judgement of me …

You’re doing it wrong.

If only you were a better person.

How come you can’t do it?

Carol Brady did it so well.

Yes, you remember the tv show from the 1970s … THE BRADY BUNCH.  

I spent many years in “compare and despair” mode about the gap between how I parented/bonus parented and how Carol Brady did it on TV with her blended family.

That judgement and shame did not create a feeling of worthiness.

I did not become a better parent. In fact, I tended to offload my pain onto those I loved at home. Instead of seeking support, I hid from my friends and community. I pretended everything was great in public, while I was in so much pain inside myself and with my family.

One day I realized I was comparing my parenting with a television show where the house was always clean, Mike Brady was often home, they had Alice the housekeeper, the ex spouses were never around, and the biggest issue was Marsha Brady getting a football thrown at her nose.

WAIT!!!

That is perfection and my life was far from it.

I had to stop comparing my real life with this fictionalized story from other people.

I had to stop believing this was the way I was supposed to live my life … and I was doing it wrong.

The writers of THE BRADY BUNCH were not life’s rule makers. Nor were they the grader’s of my life.

This personal pain lead me to the creation of my podcast HOW SHE REALLY DOES IT: the place where inspiration + possibility meet.

I figured there was a better way to live and after looking around for it for a while, I ended up creating what I craved.

I am going through my second round of parenting teens and yes it is still an ass-kicking. We all love each other so much and yet it’s the hardest thing I do.

But this time:

• I don’t beat myself up.
• I reach out for support.
• I stop pretending.
• I own my truth, my mess, and my mistakes.
• I circle back.
• I let go of perfection.
• I am willing to be vulnerable + brave.
• I love myself with my whole heart. And this, my friend, is one of the bravest things I do.

As you go through your parenting journey:

• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Stop beating yourself up.
• Own your mistakes.
• Know there will be messes. We all walk through them.
• Love yourself fully.
• And get up and do it all again tomorrow.

At 20, I knew parenting would be hard and uncertain. What I did not know is the strength it would give me and the ability to love myself. I am grateful for being a bonus as well as a birth parent. It has been a challenging but beautiful journey.

And of course, it was always supposed to happen this way, because it did!

If you’re looking for a better way to live, including as a parent, check out my podcast. It’s been running since 2006, and I’m just getting started! See you over there?

https://howshereallydoesit.com/podcast/

smiling,

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I want someone to feel sorry for me.

So someone will rescue me.

I want the white knight to come and fix my problem.

So I don’t have to be vulnerable (uncertainty, emotional exposure + risk).

I want the imaginary white knight because then I can bet on “him” instead of me.

So I don’t have to bet on myself and fail.

In this moment I’m 8 years old and still believe in the fairy godmother, Prince Charming + happily ever after.

Now my 46 year-old-self doesn’t want to be rescued. And I definitely don’t want to be 8.

What I really want?

Confidence in myself.

Believing in myself.

My problems solved.

What does this really look like? 

Using my brilliant + resourceful brain to figure out a solution.

The willingness to make mistakes, get back up and continue as I solve the problem.

Being my own best friend.

I don’t need a fairy godmother or Prince Charming. 

I need me.

I need to be brave.

I need to be supportive.

I need to be willing to make mistakes and continue forward in pursuit of overcoming my problem.

I can do this. So can you, will you join me?

smiling,

Join me for a live deep-dive into a life changing tool at my upcoming Mindset Workshop.

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Let’s say you have a friend who’s fierce. She is strong and capable.

Do you ever reach out to her to see how she’s really doing? Might be a tough thing to do. Since she’s strong and capable, she may not be used to letting you in.

But here’s the thing, we all need to go there. We can’t always be fierce.

Your friend is strong, fierce, and capable, but remember … she is also the broken hearted. She is strong because of the scars in her heart.

Her strength came from her broken heart.

Her strength came from the scars she developed through her pain.

Her strength came from the belief she must do it alone and always depend on herself.

Her strength can be the very thing getting in the way of what she really needs … connection with you.

Reach out to this friend, because my hunch is she’s doing it alone.

Reach out to this friend, because no matter how strong one is, we all need someone.

Reach out to this friend, because she is fighting a hard battle inside.

Reach out to this friend, because she needs you.

smiling,

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I just got off the phone with a client.  She was in so much pain.

Her 18 year old daughter, a senior in high school, had told her, “You make me feel like I’m never enough!!!”

This really works for her daughter, because my client then gets small in their relationship.

My client doesn’t want her daughter to struggle with her own worthiness. She got small in their relationship because she believed that she was creating this lack of worthiness in her daughter.

The problem with my client’s assumption? She forgot that …

• Our feelings come from our beliefs.
• Our feelings do NOT come from other people.
• No one can make you feel anything.  

You see, my client doesn’t have the power to make her daughter feel not enough. Instead, it’s her daughter who has interpreted the look, the questions, + the advice from her mom to mean “you aren’t enough.”

My client’s daughter has her own belief about not being enough. She then uses her mom’s actions as evidence to prove her own unworthiness to both of them.

As Eleanor Roosevelt says “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

The next time someone tries to blame YOU for how THEY are feeling, remind yourself that you are NOT responsible for their feelings. Feelings come from what they believe about themselves.

smiling,

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What do you want?

One of the biggest problems that my new clients struggle with is that they have no idea what they want.

Or they make the answer to that question above too vague.

• I want to make as much money as possible.
• I want to be living the dream.
• I want to be at my ideal weight.

What do those things actually mean?

How will you know if you got what you wanted if you can’t clearly define it?

I don’t walk into my favorite coffee shop and say I want the best coffee ever.  What does that even mean to the barista? And my opinion will certainly be different than their opinion.

Instead, you have to get extremely specific on what you want.

Commit to it.

Commit to it for a certain length of time. 3 weeks. 3 months. 6 months. A year. Enough time for you to gather information, practice, make a ton of mistakes, and get back up and evaluate.

Go out and test it out. It’s an experiment. It’s not a life sentence. (BTW – Always remember to manage risk).

You won’t know what you want until you experience and live it.

Let go of doing it perfectly.

Let go of making the “right” decision.

Those are just obstacles we create that allow us to say “we really can’t have what we want anyways.”

To get clear on what you want. You must make a decision, be specific, commit for a period of time, and go do it. Then you will know.

smiling,

P.S. If your thoughts are all over the place, let me help you get clear. Use my four-step mindset practice. Get it here.

The post Get clear on what you want. Right now. appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

I feel guilty.

Why?

Because I am a bad daughter.

Why?

Because I don’t play by my dad’s rules for our relationship.

Is that your belief? That you must play by your dad’s rules to be a good daughter?

It’s what I learned from my dad.

Now that you are an adult woman, do you believe you must play by his rules to be a good daughter?

That’s where most people pause.

How often are you accepting beliefs that aren’t yours? How often are you living your life by someone else’s belief system?

Notice the next time you feel guilty. PAUSE. What is creating the feeling of guilt? (hint: it is a belief).  Now check in, is this your belief or someone else’s belief? Is this belief true for you?

If the belief is your belief, you might be out of alignment with your best self. Time to re-align with self-love and self-compassion.

If the belief is not your belief and not true for you, give yourself permission to let it go and free yourself from the feeling of guilt.

The key is to choose what you believe and live in alignment.

smiling,

P.S. Choosing what you believe sounds like one of those things that’s easier said than done. But, it’s not! I have a four-step process laid out in the Mindset Journal that will teach you how to identify your feelings and beliefs and choose what to believe in a matter of minutes. Get your copy here.

The post Does that belief belong to you? appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Do you remember the 1997 movie As Good as It Gets? Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt playing people who were settling for a good-enough life.

I hated that movie.  Because it was my life and I didn’t want to accept it.

Even back then, I knew I was climbing the wrong career ladder. I was a tenured college professor and swim coach. Job security and financial stability. On paper, my job looked great.  It had flexible hours. 164 contracted days a year. Benefits and pension. I was also the head swim coach – the big cheese.

This is what golden handcuffs look like. Good on paper, unhappy in real life. For years, I wanted to leave but I told myself my life was as good as it was going to get.

Lots of tears, lots of despair.  I was living in the swampland with my pitched tent and campfire continuously burning. I hated my job, but I stayed. I was exhausted. My friends were exhausted. Some even ran out of the swampland, never to return. Some stayed and we continued our pity parties, around the campfire.

There was a little voice inside of me. The voice said there is something more, go. But how could I replace my income? I would hurt my family by leaving. What if what I had was as good as it gets?

The voice grew louder. The pain of living in golden handcuffs got worse. Eventually, I had to take them off and walk away. It was terrifying. Many of my peers did not understand why I would leave something so good. For a long time, I didn’t understand either. Finally, I realized that my values didn’t align with where I was working. It wasn’t a bad job, and I wasn’t bad at it. It just wasn’t my job. That’s the nature of golden handcuffs. They look good, but they don’t feel good.

If you are hearing a voice that says: There is something more for you, followed by a voice that says: This is as good as it gets, you are wearing golden handcuffs.

That doesn’t mean you have to leave your job to take off the golden handcuffs. But it does mean that it’s time to listen inward to you and take small steps towards creating what you want. It could be in your current job or it could be moving towards a new one.

Remember small hinges can move big doors. You don’t need to leap and hope that a net appears. You don’t need to settle for as good as it gets. There is a lot of opportunities in between staying and leaving. Go out and discover!

smiling,

P.S. Do you have your Mindset Journal yet?

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There’s an internal rumbling.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s painful.

All you want to do is get rid of it.

You do that by complaining.

You find short-term relief by letting it out.

By complaining, you’re offloading your pain onto someone else.

It feels good  … kind of like throwing up after a big ole’ tummy ache.

But afterwards  … after throwing up, you feel exhausted.

Same thing with complaining  …

At first you may think there’s a benefit to complaining, you get rid of the pain.

But there’s a huge cost to complaining.

You bring draining energy to your relationships whether at work or at home.

You indulge in all the negatives + are focused on what you don’t want.

You don’t create change.

You don’t get the results you want.

You begin to use all of this as evidence that you really can’t have what you want.

 You are so focused on your complaining you don’t ever solve your problem.

Eventually those around you get tired of your complaining + stop listening.

Your people stop trying to help you.

Complaining is focused on what you don’t want.

It’s not solutions oriented.

It keeps you stuck.

Is that where you want to be, stuck, miserable and exhausted?

Instead look at the problem as an obstacle.

Remind yourself that you are made to overcome obstacles.

Yes you are, even as a baby you learned to walk by overcoming a lot of obstacles.

Overcoming your obstacles

Focus on the solution you are working towards.

You will fall down.

You will face tremendous struggles.

You will want to complain, as that’s the easy thing to do.

You will stop yourself and regain focus on the solution you are working towards.

You will remind yourself that through discomfort comes huge growth.

And just as a baby learns to walk, you’ll create a solution to your obstacle.

And just like when a baby beams with pride by overcoming and learning, you will too!

It’s worth it to stop complaining and instead focus on where you are going.

smiling,

Being able to overcome obstacles starts with your mindset. The Mindset Workshop is happening this week, join us.

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If I say no, people will think I am mean.

Only mean people say no.

If you believe no = meanness, then you will have a hard time saying no.  Your guilt will override your logic and your desires.

In order to be able to say no to things you don’t want to do and really stick to it, you must change your beliefs. Saying no does not make you a mean person. Repeat it with me, saying no does not make you a mean person.

Speak your truth without guilt, but compassion.  Remember compassionate people have boundaries and no is a boundary.

Start here. Why do you want to say no? Get quiet and really listen in to your body.  Are you rebelling or is this something you really don’t desire and want to say no to? Trust yourself and say no with lots of loving kindness to the asker and yourself.

Remember, no is a complete sentence.

smiling,

P.S. For more, check out this podcast episode: It’s an Invitation, Not an Obligation

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This is what TRY looks like:

I’m trying to figure out the foods that fuel my body
I’m trying to lose weight
I’m trying to date
I’m trying to be compassionate with myself
I’m trying to lead my team at work.

These are some of the things I hear from my clients.  I ask, why not DO?

Do does not mean a done deal.

Do does not mean perfect.

This is what DO looks like:

I’m experimenting with foods to see what best fuels my body
I’m no longer numbing with food
I’m going on coffee dates with people I meet online
I’m treating myself with kindness (and forgiving myself when I screw it up)
I’m leading my team. It’s messy and powerful at the same time

When we say we are trying, we are hiding from ourselves.

When we say we are trying, we are not standing in our own power.

Trying is not DOING.

Go DO in your life.

smiling,

P.S. Ready to DO in your life? Try out this mindset practice, which can help you overcome your obstacles and make more progress.

The post Trying vs. Doing appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

You don’t like mess. You don’t like things to be messy. I am not talking about your physical space. I am talking about your relationships, communication, your work, families and friendships.

Maybe you’re afraid to have a difficult conversation with your friend because you’re worried it will end the friendship.

Maybe your marriage doesn’t look as loving or blissful as you had imagined. Or your relationship with your parents. Or your kids. Or your body. Or your bank account.

The mess is part of the journey and there is so much beauty that can grow out of messes if we allow for the messy and look for the beauty.

When we are willing to show up, authentically and wholeheartedly with an open heart, we can allow it to be messy as we know there will be growth. That is what the beauty in the mess is all about.

Now you don’t need to create a bunch of messes. No need to go looking for them. They will be there. Just stop believing that messes shouldn’t happen. That is a painful belief. Instead look for the beauty in the mess. Remember this is part of the journey as you evolve to the next level of yourself. You can even say thank you as you are in the mess.

smiling,

P.S. For more, check out this podcast episode: The Fairy Tale of Life Balance

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The idea of honoring commitments to yourself probably sounds brilliant, or completely ridiculous.

Brilliant because when you honor commitments to yourself, you are taking care of yourself. You are getting stuff done. You are proud of yourself.

Ridiculous because if you suck at honoring commitments to yourself you have a long list of reasons how this is NOT possible. There are just so many obstacles in your way. Demanding boss, family priorities, and your own belief that taking care of yourself is selfish.

That used to be me. I used to believe I was selfish to take care of myself. I was never on my own schedule. I let the demands of other people – boss, kids, husband, friends, those damn emails – be more important than any commitment I had for myself.  After many years of waiting for someone to give me permission for my turn, I realized it was time to honor commitments to myself NOW and stop waiting.

I started with small steps:

• Doing my workout first thing in the morning before anyone else could place demands on me.
• Giving myself permission to NOT answer emails in the evening when I would get home from coaching swim team. This was time to be with my family or be with myself at the end of my day.
• Creating white space to get personal stuff done or to schlump around and get nothing done.
• Reading books for my own pleasure or personal growth.
• Blocking out creative time on my calendar during work hours instead of doing those projects late at night or on the weekends.
• Blocking out time on the weekends for NO work.

While I have developed a practice of honoring commitments to myself now, I am not perfect at always following through. I can easily distract myself with emails when the time comes to do creative work. I can choose to stay in bed and not go workout. But over the years, the amount of times that I stick to it has increased dramatically.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that when I honor commitments to myself, I am able to honor my commitments to other people so much more! Funny how that works. We believe that honoring commitments to ourselves is selfish and makes us unavailable to others. Yet it has the exact opposite effect. Only when we honor commitments to ourselves we have the ability to truly honor commitments to other people.

Do you believe honoring commitments to yourself is a fantastic way of living your life? Or do you believe it is ridiculous.  Comment below and let me know.

smiling,

P.S. Need structure to honor commitments to yourself? Try this journal resource: The Mindset Journal

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You want to do work you love.

You want to enjoy your life outside of work, but your work is taking over your life.

Did you know all jobs have delightful attributes as well as obstacles to overcome?

Yes, there are obstacles.

Yes, your job is to overcome them, not flee from them to another job.

Here’s the thing my friend. The obstacles will show up at another job.

The people you can’t stand, they’ll be at the next job, just with a different face + name.

Do the obstacles below sound familiar?

• There’s not enough time.

• There’s too much to do.

• Your colleagues don’t respect your boundaries.

The obstacles + people are your teachers.

They are your learning opportunity on how to become less reactionary and create boundaries so you can do your best work.

You can lose focus, and complain about the problems.

You can hate on the people.

Or, you can learn to overcome the obstacles + the difficult people.

You choose to allow where your time is spent, really you do.

By focusing on the complaining and what you don’t like, you are eating up a bunch of your time.

By believing your colleagues need to be different than they are, you are indulging in “what is not” instead of focusing on the work you do and want to get done.

Stop letting work take over your life.

Manage what you focus on … the problems or the solutions.

Create boundaries that support you and allow you the space to do excellent work.

Allow people to be themselves. You don’t have any control over them, only how you let them affect your mindset and therefore your energy.

Enforce your boundaries, by teaching people how to treat you.

These seemingly small steps are big influences for you to take back your life + do work that matters to you!

smiling,

Subscribe to How She Really Does It for more conversations and ideas about work, relationships, and more.

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Last week I ran a training session for one of my private clients. 

We did the Dare to Lead training workshop based on the work of Brené Brown.  

My client owns her business with 3 other partners. 

She often explains to me that she is not the leader, they are all equal partners.

But what she realized over the course of the two day training course … is that believing she isn’t a leader gets in her way of being an effective partner.

When difficult issues come up in her business … she gets small + she does not speak up.

Then she beats herself up and her inner critic tells her “that her partners are so much smarter and way more valuable than her.”

This is nonsense because she realizes those stories are NOT true.

The big problem is … she truly believes she has some good ideas to share to help solve the problems their business is currently facing.

But as long as she is not being the LEADER of her life, she is not showing up for her business partners.

Because of the work we have done together she was able to own her story and love herself during the Dare to Lead training.

She didn’t judge herself.

Owning her story

She noticed the patterns she created in the course scenarios and the way she hid … again and again in each of them.

She realized this is what was driving the resentment she felt after a conference call with her partners earlier in the week.

She was filled with judgement of them and resentful.

She did not like how she was feeling or BEing.

 The Dare to Lead training session later that week helped her unpack more of what’s really going on.

Now she realizes that:

• To not speak up, to stay small is too costly for her.
• She has so much to offer.
• Her partners are supportive.
• She brings value to her partners and their business.
• Each partner has different skills that allow them to be more successful together.

She is clear about what is true for her.

She is clear about how to have courageous conversations with her partners..

Instead of being resentful, she will provide engaged feedback.

She will lead by sharing her values + integrity.

She will offer up her ideas.

She left the training excited about how her business will evolve.

She knows she can do hard things … we’ve already done a lot of other work in her life.

She knows she can make mistakes.

She knows she doesn’t have to know all the answers. They can figure it out together.

smiling,

P.S. If your business or group needs help coming together, let’s talk about a Dare to Lead training session for you. Get in touch by sending an email to hello@howshereallydoesit.com.

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What is success?

What do you know for sure?

What are your values?

What are your priorities?

My friend … it’s your job to answer these questions.

I realize this may be news to you.

You’ve let others define it for you.

Your parents.

Your friends.

Your mentors.

Your school.

No one gets to write your story.

It’s your job to write it and live it.

The alternative sucks – you let others write your story and you live it.

When you live by other people’s rules … you are creating prison walls for yourself + it’s suffocating.

Your are imprisoned by:

• What others think success should be for you.
• What others think they know for sure.
• Other people’s values.
• Other people’s priorities.

When you live inside these rules you are not living your life. You are living someone else’s version of life.

Instead, it’s time for you to become the writer of your story.

Answer these questions:

• What is success?
• What do you know for sure?
• What are your values?
• What are your priorities?

There is NOT a right answer.

Give yourself permission to learn and make mistakes.

Test out the answers in your life.

Tweak them.

Rewrite them.

Adjust them so you can eventually live in alignment with what’s inside of you.

Remember no one gets to write your story.

Writing your story is your job!

Now go do it.

smiling,

P.S. Need help writing your story? Use the 4-step process in the Mindset Journal. Click here to order your copy.

The post You define your own life. No one gets to write your story. appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

I was in the middle of a text conversation with someone I care about.

There was some vulnerable sharing that was occuring in the texts.

The problem I have with texting … I don’t have to be fully committed to the “conversation.”

I can get distracted + stop texting.

Thereby, ghosting the other person.

This happens.  

Why, you ask?

I was doing other work when the texts came in.

I choose to respond.

More texts came in.

I was silent.  Yes that dreaded no response to a text.

I wanted to give a heartfelt response.

My capacity was limited as I was in the middle of a project and my focus was there.

That’s the first mistake I made.

I answered a text while in the middle of a project.

I created space for my friend.

But I didn’t really have much space outside of just a “hello.”

In the end … I gave silence for 5 days until I could respond with the words I wanted to support my friend + his family.

My second mistake was believing I had to have the right words, so I chose to say nothing upon receiving the text.

My third mistake was I missed my opportunity to tell my friend I have more to say and want to think about how to say it.

My friend will never say it … nor may he realize … but that day I broke our trust.

Relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman says “Trust is built in very small moments.”

My texting fails are an example of broken trust in small moments.

My younger self would have ignored this broken trust.

I would have pretended “no big deal.”

But I know better.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, “When you know better … you do better.”

I know better.

I own my story with you.

I love myself.

I rebuild trust with my friend in small steps.

NOTE TO SELF: Don’t answer texts unless fully available…

smiling,

P.S. For more on this topic, check out this podcast episode: Cultivate relationships that rise up with you

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I didn’t swim to get inducted to the Hall of Fame

I didn’t swim to swim in college.

I didn’t swim for awards.

I swam because I loved being in the pool.

I swam because it  was fun.

I swam because it felt so good.

I continued to swim, because I had a place to belong.

I continued to swim because I had a dream of what I wanted to achieve.

I continued to swim because, thank goodness, there were cute boys in Speedos.

People often seek awards + college scholarships as external validation to justify doing something.

The external validation was not worth the early morning practices, the six day a week training sessions, the 50 weeks/year seasons.

The external validation is not the WHY I swam for 15 years.

What made swimming worth it…was all that swimming taught me.

Ultimately swimming taught me to:

• Work hard.
• Persevere in difficult times.
• Overcome obstacles.
• Fail.
• Believe in myself.
• Trust myself.
• Honor commitments to myself.
• Pursue my dreams.
• Achieve my dreams.
• Be part of a team.

The truth is … swimming is a huge part of what shaped me as a human being.

Swimming was my teacher.

Swimming was my training space.

Swimming prepared me for this thing we call LIFE.

The awards, titles and Hall of Fame Induction … those were nice bonuses, but never the reason WHY.

It started because it was fun.

I stayed because I belonged.

In the end … it helped shape who I am today.

smiling,

P.S. Could you use some help finding the thing that makes you, you? Check out my Trusting Yourself workshop, where you’ll learn a step-by-step process for cultivating self trust.

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Growing up…I believed there was something wrong with me.

I was different.

I was tall….ALWAYS, even in Kindergarten. 

I was biracial.  My mom is Korean but I don’t look Asian.

I was poor. Well not me … but my family didn’t have much financially.

Most of my life I felt like the black sheep.

I believed it was because there was something wrong with ME.

I reasoned it must be because “I’m a loser.”

Being a loser would be like being contagious.

So no one would want to be around me.

That would explain the shunning from my White family. 

We weren’t the All-American family, like my cousins.

The water was my safe place.

It was a place where everyday, I was greeted with a giant smile and “Hello Koren!”

I felt so welcomed … like I belonged.

And for a shy girl who believed deep down she wasn’t good enough, I didn’t have to talk to anyone because my head was face down swimming.

To this day I know that swimming saved me. 

I’m sure you have that person, place, sport, activity that supported you + created a pivot for your own journey.

For me … it was swimming and my age group coach Gene.

He was kind.

He was compassionate.

He didn’t judge.

He had a great laugh!

He created a space where I felt like I belonged … no matter what.

All it took was a simple “Hello Koren” wrapped up in a gigantic smile.

Now I provide that safe place for others.

Everyday I’m on the pool deck … I say hello to each kid with a smile.

I want them to know … no matter what:

• They belong here.
• We are in this together.
• We will get through this.
• We will help you get back up when you fall.
• I will believe in you, even when you don’t.

My personal shame story of I’m not enough has evolved.

Today, I build communities for people to belong, here at How She Really Does It and with the AquaMonsters.

You have your own shame story. It does not have to define you. 

Like me … you can use it to help others. What can YOU create from it?

smiling,

P.S. Need help uncovering what your stories are? Use the system in my Mindset Journal to discover your stories and move through them. CLICK HERE

The post I want them to know … no matter what … they belong appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

I know better.

I don’t even use the word PERFECT in my daily vocabulary.

I notice it when other people use the word.

I remember the impossible standards I created with that word.

I let it go…..

But perfectionism is sneaky.

While I own my entire me.

While I am my authentic + messy self.

There are ways I’ve noticed perfectionism sneaking into my life.

WASTING TIME…BEING PRODUCTIVE…BEING EFFICIENT

A few weeks ago I was going to the airport to pick up my husband.  

I had timed it out so I wouldn’t waste time and could maximize my trip.

I live in a small town with a Costco in the next town that’s on the way to the airport.

MY PLAN

Work in the morning to get things out of the way.

Go to Costco to buy the cheap gas … yes this is a big value of mine.

Then run into the store to grab a few items of necessity that wouldn’t mind the additional 45 minutes in the car until we were home.

I was cutting it close.

Just one more thing I could get done at work…sound familiar?

But don’t worry, I was watching a flight tracking website and could time my airport pick up well. I am a swim coach after all and I know the importance of seconds …

As I headed out to the garage to get in my car for this carefully timed and planned trip (another way to say perfect, without using that word) I remembered the paper bags in my kitchen.

I needed to go back and get them.

Because I don’t want to be inefficient.

Also, I didn’t want to leave them on the kitchen island and be messy.

(Can you see the sneakiness of perfectionism in my brain?)

The amount of brain juice I was using over paper bags that morning was high.

And it was all because I was trying to perfectly use my time.

I just hid the word with efficient, productive + not wasting time.

Sounds good, right?

When really, I was trying to be perfect.

Upon realizing this … I gave myself permission to leave the empty grocery bags in the kitchen.

I went to Costco to get gas and let go of a stressful run into Costco for the few items.

Instead, I picked up my husband on time and together, we went to Costco and eventually home.

Not perfect … but so much better and my stress was greatly reduced.

The next time you notice perfectionism sneaking around in your brain.

Be compassionate with yourself by giving yourself permission to not do it perfectly.

Instead live your life without absolute efficiency + productivity.

After all you do get to be the LEADER OF YOUR LIFE.

smiling,

P.S. Speaking of leading your life, I recently passed a milestone in my own podcast. I’d love it if you celebrated with me by subscribing in Apple Podcasts and leaving a rating and review!

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During the summer I have a lot of new parents in the AquaMonsters (youth swim team I’m the director of) and their biggest concern is entrusting their child to my program.

They are worried their child will drown in our program.

Yes this is their fear talking.

Yes it’s irrational.

And yes it creates a lot of drama on the pool deck.

Of course, drowning is a possibility as water is dangerous and according to the CDC there are about 10 deaths per day in non-boating related drownings. 

Drownings are not allowed to happen in the AquaMonsters program.

How do I ensure this?

• I manage risk. Safety is the most important factor. I have well-trained staff with excellent swimmer-to-coach ratios.
• I’m committed to the best case scenario. We teach each child to swim. We focus on what they can do and where we are taking them, never what they can’t do.
• I give our program enough time to develop their child.  Little monsters is an 8-week program, so the kids have lots of practice opportunities.

Now let’s apply this to your life …

• Manage the risk in your situation.
• Commit to the best case scenario.
• Give yourself enough time to develop the outcome you want. It may take 8 weeks or it may be a year to 18 months.

Stop indulging in the drama. These three steps will keep you focused and help you create the results that you want.

Listen to me right now … you are not allowed to drown.

smiling,

P.S. If you feel like you are struggling to keep your head above water, I can help. Start with my workshop, Becoming ENOUGH.

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Many of my clients only want to go up to bat in their life if they are guaranteed a home run.

Sound familiar?

Instead of thinking you should hit a home run every time you step up to bat in your life.

Remind yourself that a great baseball player hits 30% of the time.

Of course they’d love to hit a home run every time they are up to bat.

But that’s not what happens. 

There’s a tremendous challenge to hitting a baseball.

Just like the challenges you have in your life.

Stop waiting for the perfect home run opportunity.

Instead, step up to bat in your life.

Take a swing.

Be willing to miss the ball.

Take another swing.

Be willing to miss again.

Learn + adjust for the next swing.

When you miss, don’t beat yourself up.

Instead, ask yourself what you can learn from your at-bat?

When it’s your time to go back up, take your swing again.

Continue taking your swings.

This is your practice.

Commit to obtaining your goal.

Let yourself fail.

Go back and take another swing.

The way you hit a home run is by taking many at-bats over your lifetime.

No need for the perfect home run opportunity.

Instead, show up in your life, step up to the plate and swing your bat.

Hit the ball or not and LEARN from it.

Keep going.

You will hit the home run over time.

You will feel proud of yourself.

You will know inside what it really took to achieve this.

There’s not a better feeling when you hit a home run in your life after many at-bats.

Just don’t wait for the perfect home run opportunity.

You must show up daily and take your swing.

smiling,

P.S. Want support at your at bats? Get my workshop, Trusting Yourself.

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One thing about being an approval whore … you are seeking out someone else to do your job.

You want others to believe in you.

Because you believe … if they approve of you … they can see how capable you are and then believe in you.

Then you don’t have to believe in you.

The problem with this …

You still aren’t believing in you.

It’s your job to believe in YOU.

For you to create the results you want, you must believe in YOU.

Besides, who are they really believing in when you are selling yourself out to get someone to like you. 

They aren’t liking you. NOPE they are liking who you think they want you to be.

Big difference.

They aren’t believing in YOU … they are believing in what they see.

Show them who you really are…

It’s time for you to believe in YOU.

I realize this is vulnerable.

And of course it is hard + challenging.

You believing in you is your full-time job.

No outsourcing it out.

Instead of trying to get others to approve and believe in you … use your energy to focus on believing in you.

Start by owning what you are good at.

Own your flaws. 

We all have flaws.

Remember … you don’t have to be perfect to believe in yourself.

It’s about knowing you can have both strengths and flaws and still create the results you want.

Now go on and believe in YOU.

It’s your big job and you can do it!

smiling,

P.S. If you’re not sure how to start believing in YOU, you’re not alone! My Becoming ENOUGH workshop is made with you in mind and it will teach you what’s getting in your way of believing in yourself and feeling like you are enough. Get it here.

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My friend, you’ve been lied to …

“Want a better life?”

“Beat the crap out of yourself and you’ll get there.”

That might ignite some better behavior from you. But then two things happen:

1. Once your adrenaline runs out, this new behavior doesn’t last.
2. Because you learn “it doesn’t really work,” next time you don’t even bother trying.

The KEY to everlasting change + you being the best version of you is compassion.

Compassion has boundaries, so you become accountable to YOU and those around you.

Compassion allows for curiosity to flourish, so you can learn and grow.

Compassion allows you to be kind to yourself, so you can also own your strengths + flaws.

Beating the crap out of yourself is a great way to blame yourself.

Blame doesn’t create accountability.

It only further ignites shame, that darn voice telling you  “you’re bad, you’re not ENOUGH.”

Instead of the “better life” this shame storm creates more misery in the long term.

Shame narrows your field of vision.

Compassion opens your field of vision.

With this compassionate field of vision: you’re able to make mistakes, learn from them, get back up and try again.

By taking these steps you cultivate resilience + perseverance so you have the strength to create the new life you want.

This is the better way to the life you want!  Go for it!

smiling,

P.S. If this resonates with you, you can benefit from learning how to practice self-compassion. Check out this podcast episode: Fierce Self-Compassion with Kristin Neff

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It’s so fascinating.

You know a lot of people.

You have a lot of friends on FB.

Yet … you still feel alone.

You want a place to belong.

You hunger for friendship.

You tell yourself stories that these women you admire, they already have a lot of friends.

You tell yourself, you won’t be able to create the same bonds as other women in town.

Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. 

It’s about who walked into your life and said “I’m here for you” and showed up for you.

How to be a good friend? 

Show up for others.

Stop telling yourself stories of how you don’t matter.

Instead, be the friend to others you would want for yourself.

Show up with love.

Show up with kindness.

Show up with support.

Don’t listen to those mean voices that keep you disconnected from others.

Instead, remember we are all hardwired for connection.

Your people want what you have to offer.

Go build your friendships by showing up and being you.

We can all use more love, kindness and support in our lives.

You matter.

When trying to cultivate new friendships, one thought I tell myself is:

“I create a safe space for belonging and connection with others.”

This allows me to show up, and be me.

While I’m not a right fit for everyone, this thought gives me courage to show up and connect with my people.

smiling,

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Growing up, I was … odd.

• I was always the tallest girl in my class.
• I was usually taller than most of the boys.
• I have dark hair.
• I have almond eyes.
• I have broad shoulders (thank you swimming).

My mother looked different than the other girls mom’s — my mom was Korean.

The cultural images I saw were of blond beauties.

Growing up, I believed the standard of beauty was being blond like Christie Brinkley or Cheryl Tiegs.

I used to watch Charlie’s Angels and there were two blondes and one brunette.

The cultural programming (yep, why do you think they call it “TV Program”) was so deep inside me as a 9-year-old girl, I didn’t believe Jaclyn Smith was beautiful. She had the wrong hair color.

So I would play my own version of Charlie’s Angels with my toy gun and sparkly purse, hunting down bad guys. I’d always pretend to be Tiffany, the blond beauty. Because she was what I’d identified as the culturally acceptable standard of beauty.

Thank goodness we are shifting the cultural standards of beauty. Dove has had several campaigns for Real Beauty.

Still there’s more work to be done. 

And for you, it’s the work inside of your brain.

It’s time to change your internal beliefs of beauty. 

There isn’t ONE standard of beauty.

There is beauty everywhere in each person, including YOU!

It’s time for you to own your beauty, see it, + appreciate it.

smiling,

P.S. Are you ready to FINALLY let go of what your cultural programming has told you about beauty standards? Check out my Becoming ENOUGH workshop.

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You set a goal.

You’re excited, at least for a few minutes.

Then you get scared out of your mind …

What if it doesn’t happen?

What if you aren’t good enough to achieve it?

Besides, you aren’t someone who ever really gets what she wants.

And that’s why you don’t believe you can achieve your goal.

You stop caring. You tell yourself I don’t care.

TRUTH: you care so much it hurts.

So you hide.

You numb yourself with food, work, busy-ness, NETFLIX, or other people’s problems.

Your self-hatred grows from your lack of belief in yourself + lack of achieving your goal.

Your lack of belief in yourself gets bigger.

You hide because of the lie. The lie you told yourself about not caring whether or not you actually achieved your goal.

You believe this will cause you less disappointment + suffering.

TRUTH: hiding creates even more pain because your self-hatred festers.

My friend, stop hiding. 

Set your goal.

Get excited.

Yes, soon the nerves + doubt will show up. That’s normal.

Commit to your goal. NO MATTER WHAT.

Commit.

Go all in.

Everyday, commit to the best case scenario.

Commit to believing in yourself.

Mean self-talk is not allowed here, it’s a distraction.

Commit to the actions you need to take to achieve your goal.

Sure, you’ll make mistakes on the journey to achieving your goal.

Sure, you’ll hit roadblocks.

And yes … you will want to quit.

Again, not allowed.

Circle back and recommit to your goal.

You will be blown away … because one day you’ll lift up your head and realize you’ve achieved your goal. 

smiling,

P.S. I promise you, the best version of you is waiting underneath all that hiding and all the lies you tell yourself. Need help with a little digging? Try this tool that I use every day with my clients.

The post Stop hiding appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

I actually call it approval whoring.

I have a very specific reason for this.

People pleasing is misleading and sounds like a NICE thing to do for others.

Whore vs. Please.

Whore = not acceptable in society.

Please = how we, especially as women, are culturally programmed to BE in our lives.

Now let’s take a look at people pleasing.

My client Ray is often filled with resentment.

She has been taught to believe to be accepted she must please others over herself.

Isn’t that the way to show she’s not selfish + self-centered?

There are  problems with this hypothesis:

• She is filled with resentment for putting other people’s needs + wants ahead of hers.
• She is pleasing others, while selling herself out to fit in.  And this feels hollow. What she really wants is to belong so she can feel connected.
• She is telling herself, what she wants is NOT important.
• She hates it when other people people please her. It feels slimy + uncomfortable.

The truth about people pleasing …. it isn’t NICE.

It seems NICE, but it’s inauthentic.

Notice how you feel when you are in the company of someone else who is being inauthentic.

Next time you think you should people please, remember how you feel when others do it to you.

It’s not worth it.

It’s not nice.

And you don’t want to end up feeling resentful.

smiling,

P.S. Learn more about this topic here: How to stop approval whoring [Deep Dive]

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Sometimes, you yell at your kids.

Sometimes, you lose your cool.

Sometimes, you screw up as a parent.

My friend, let me assure you, you aren’t the only one.

We know what we’re NOT supposed to do …yell at others, lose our cool, and definitely not screw up.

But we are all human.

Stop beating yourself up. That will not stop this behavior.

Instead, acknowledge what you do, so you can figure out what you would like to change. 

First, do this with yourself. This is the first step toward owning your story.

Then, find a safe person to share your story with. Your second step.

REQUIREMENT: The person in step two above MUST be someone who is safe + will not judge you. This person understands the difficulty of parenting. And this person knows how this behavior doesn’t lead to creating the relationships we want with our kids over the long-term. They will support you and keep you accountable as the parent you want to be.

Sharing your story with a safe person is a vital step, because when you own your story and share it with someone else, the shame can no longer exist. We aren’t meant to parent alone. And no one parents perfectly.

No matter how good their Instagram account looks.

smiling,

P.S. Let me teach you how to follow step one and own your story. Click here to get the tool that I use every day with my clients.

The post What if they find out? appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

My clients work hard.

They consider themselves high-achievers.

In fact, they take that high achieving and over do it when they don’t believe they are worthy.

Worthy of what you ask?

• Worthy of love.
• Worthy of belonging.
• Worthy of simply being enough.

This is when my clients dial up this awful feeling of shame and step into being an overachiever as they desperately try to feel better.

What they really want is to feel love.

They want to be able to give themselves permission to be worthy of loving themselves.

Instead of loving themselves as they are right now they:

• Work harder.
• Do more.
• Over do.
• Beat themselves up.
• Look to others to love them to fill themselves up.
• Look to others to get the love they so hunger for.

Instead they need to work on the love that must come from within.

Instead of trying to feel love inside by doing and over achieving it’s about loving oneself right here, right now.

Loving yourself is the first step.

If you don’t you will stay in the same cycle of shame.

You cannot move forward unless you find a way to love yourself.

To do this you must give yourself permission.

You get to acknowledge that you:

• Are a worthy person
• Have qualities that you appreciate about yourself
• Deserve to be loved

When you accomplish this you can then move forward from a place of love which will allow you to be more successful because you already know you are worthy.

DOING

Taking action comes after loving yourself.

Because when you TAKE ACTION from a place of love…you will be more successful and will enjoy the process a lot more.

smiling,

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On my podcast you may have heard me say … Be the LEADER of your life.

This is one of my main messages for my clients, the listeners of How She Really Does It and you here reading this.

Being the leader of your life is part of what I call “adulting.”

When we were kids, we looked forward to when:

• We were the boss of ourselves.
• We could make the decisions that would impact our lives.
• Other people couldn’t tell us what to do, when to go to sleep or what to eat.

Now my friend, you’ve arrived at that day … but you’re still waiting for other people’s permission.

You’ve forgotten, you are the leader of your life.

I can already see the emails in my inbox but Koren:

• I don’t have a leadership title.
• I’m just a mom.
• Other people don’t respect or value me because I’m a teacher [insert any profession, really].

STOP that right now!

You don’t need to have a title to be a leader.

You already are the leader.

You’re the leader of your life.

Right there, that is enough.

Being a leader does not mean that it’s you over everyone else.

In fact, in the Dare to Lead training that I facilitate with clients, we cover the definition of a leader:

“Anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes and who has the courage to develop that potential.”

~ Brené Brown

Being a part of this community: reading the Sunday Love emails, listening to the How She Really Does It podcast, or if I’m so lucky to work with you as a client, you are devoted to finding the potential in people + processes. Developing potential is courageous work. 

And the first place we start is with your potential.

In order to lead others effectively and sustainably … you must lead yourself.

Right now … own your leadership title.

You are the LEADER OF YOUR LIFE.

smiling,

P.S. If you need help taking control of your life, use this tool to learn how to manage your mind: The Mindset Journal

The post Everybody is a leader appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

You have high standards.

You want to excel.

You believe the pathway to excellence is to beat yourself up.

You believe that if you are critical of yourself … you’ll finally shape up and be better.

How’s it working for you?

Keep your high standards.

It’s awesome that you want to excel … we are made to continue to grow and stretch our abilities.

But, stop the self-beatings.

Stop the self-criticism.

What you are doing is dialing up the feeling of SHAME.

That feeling that means I am not ___________ENOUGH.

Shame is not the pathway to LOVE.

More shame does not equal more love.

In fact …more shame leads to more self-hatred.

But you want more LOVE, right?

Start with LOVE.

This means starting with yourself.

If you don’t love and value yourself … who will?

The only way to get more love is to share the love you have.

If you don’t love yourself you don’t have any love to share.

Loving yourself lets you love other people.

Loving other people let’s them  love you back.

Love leads to more LOVE.

smiling,

P.S. What’s next to come for you?  Having trouble being true to yourself? I can help you with that. Click here to get my on-demand workshop, Trusting Yourself.

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You don’t want to feel it.

You’ve tried to outrun it.

You’ve tried to numb it.

My friend, the thing you don’t want to feel is a painful feeling of anxiety (or replace anxiety with your painful feeling – FEAR, SHAME, SADNESS, etc) …

Yes, it’s uncomfortable.

But there is a way out that is way better than not feeling, running from it or numbing it.

The way out of this anxiety is to feel your feelings.

I realize that’s not what you wanted to learn.

You want the feeling to go away.

My friend, the pathway to reduce anxiety (or any painful feeling) is to:

1. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.
2. Acknowledge what you are feeling right now (trust me, it won’t be here forever).
3. Then own the story that’s dialing up the feeling.
4. Reflect on the story by asking if it’s absolutely true?
5. When the answer is NO, realize that you’ve been lying to yourself.
6. Stop telling yourself lies about whatever tragedy your brain is fantastic at telling you. 
7. Start telling yourself the truth.

What these 7 steps look like in real life:

The cause of my anxiety is the stories my brain immediately creates about all the worst case scenarios.

STORY #1 My fear of pool contracts.

I view any failure of the pool contract as a direct reflection of my own personal worthiness.

Is it absolutely true any failure of the pool contract is a direct reflection of my own personal worthiness?

NO.

The truth is, there can be difficulties with the pool contract and it’s not correlated to my own personal worthiness.

The next truth is, I am capable of figuring out how to overcome any obstacles with pool contracts.  

The final truth is, overcoming obstacles is part of leadership’s role in organizations.

When I remember these three truths, my anxiety lessens and my confidence rises.

STORY #2 The team goes down.

I have a big story filled with fear that this team will go down on my watch.

Oh, I’m so damn good at dress rehearsing tragedy.

Is it absolutely true this team will go down on my watch?

NO

The truth is there are obstacles to running a swim team.

The truth is all teams have obstacles, pool contracts tend to be our obstacle.

The truth is, I am part of an entire organization, it’s not only me.

With these truths I am able to move through the anxiety of doomsday and feel empowered to  use my resourceful brain.

Now it’s your turn.

Give yourself permission to feel the painful feeling.

Name it.

Next, move through it by uncovering the stories that create this feeling. 

Then tell yourself the truth.

Feel a better feeling.

smiling,

P.S. Click here for a step-by-step guide on how to implement the concepts in this post.

The post How to move through anxiety appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

You hear their voices.

You worry about what other people think.

You let others stop you from doing what you want.

You don’t speak up, because you’re afraid of what others will think.

It’s time to let go of other people’s opinions.

While you may mistakenly believe this allows you to be safe, you’ve allowed other people’s opinions to build a prison wall around you.

You behave according to what others believe is okay.

You don’t allow others to get to know the REAL you.

Behind these prison walls of other people’s opinions is the best version of you.

Be you.

If they can’t handle it, it’s okay.

They aren’t your people.

You being the best version of YOU allows you to connect with people who love the REAL you.

And the best news, you get to love + enjoy yourself, instead of constantly selling yourself out for other people.

smiling,

P.S. Do you need help finding the real you? Try Mindset Journaling.

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Remember Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?

She was in search of the Wizard to solve her problems.

Much like my inner child wants the “white knight to rescue me.”

Dorothy had so many obstacles to overcome on her path down that yellow brick road.

She also had others join her on her journey and give her the support she needed, as we aren’t meant to go it alone.

But when she arrived in Oz and saw behind the green curtain…she was disappointed.

The Wizard wasn’t what she thought he was.

He wouldn’t solve her problems for her.

Sound familiar???

You are Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

Your answers have always been inside of you …

• Stop waiting for external validation.
• Stop waiting for others to give you permission to pursue your dreams.
• Stop waiting for outside circumstances to determine you are ENOUGH.

Instead, go inside of you and believe that you’re ENOUGH.

Trust yourself.

Start today, everything you need really is inside of YOU.

smiling,

P.S. Get in touch with what’s inside YOU: use the Mindset Journal as a guide.

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On the outside…you look like you have it all.

On the outside…you look like you know what you are doing.

On the outside…you appear to be so nice.

That is to everyone else but YOU.

Instead you beat yourself up.

Internally, you demand that you BE better.

You demand that you DO better.

STOP IT, RIGHT NOW.

Stop being better and start being you.

You are ENOUGH, right here, as you are in this moment.

You know ENOUGH, you do ENOUGH, you are ENOUGH.

Be YOU.

Your people need you. 

The one who has love inside of her.

The one who is amazing and also sucks at things too.

The one who is both beautiful and imperfect.

BE YOU!

smiling,

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I’m an idiot.

I’m dumb.

I’m such a loser.

I’m sure you can add to the list of critical thoughts you tell yourself over and over and over again, every hour of every day.

What’s your intention with these mean things you’re saying to yourself? A better YOU?

We’ve been culturally programmed to believe criticism is the path to becoming the human you want to be.

HA!

We’ve been culturally programmed to think shame is the way to change your behavior.

HA!

I’ll let you in on a little secret my friend. 

Neither of these are the path to becoming the human you want to be or the way for you to change your behavior.

In fact, this cultural programming allows self-hatred to flourish and is keeping you stuck in your life.

Please stop this self-criticism. 

I don’t care if this is how your girlfriends, colleagues, and/or family members do it.

There’s a better way.

Instead, be compassionate.

Decide on one area you want to improve on:

• Increase one of your strengths.
• Improve one of your flaws.

This, my friend, will lead you down the path to changing your behavior + becoming the human you want to be.

smiling,

P.S. Are you following my podcast, How She Really Does It? Click here!

The post Cultural Programming 101 appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

One night I was staring up at the ceiling while lying in bed.

I was scared out of my mind.

I was unsure that life could be better.

I wanted certainty.

I wanted security.

I wanted to have enough money and then I would be safe.

I was 11 years old and heard my parents fight over money … well, the lack of it.

I made a decision … I would grow up and become a lawyer.

Laughable now, but that was the only option my 11 year-old brain could come up with.

The interesting thing, in my twenties I got exactly what I wanted, minus being a lawyer.

Certainty. Security. Money.

I landed a job teaching + coaching full-time at a local community college. 

Those in the know of higher ed, understand that these are plum jobs. Teaching, no research. Plenty of days off (we were contracted to work 164 days a year). Tenure (meant I never had to worry about getting another job or losing my job). Pension. Medical + dental benefits. And really good pay.

My 11 year-old self had gotten everything she’d wanted.

Well, almost … I never felt safe during my tenure.

Back then, I didn’t understand the power of one’s mindset and how it’s not the circumstances that create our feelings but the stories we tell ourselves that create our feelings.

While my adult circumstances were much different than my 11 year-old’s circumstances, my lack of feeling safe was still with me as an adult with a good paycheck.

I’ve learned to change that feeling and I’ll share with you how …

Today, as an entrepreneur who is self-employed, I don’t have a contract with generous days off and holiday pay, I don’t have guaranteed employment, salary, pension, or medical + dental benefits.

Today I feel SAFE.

Instead of being that scared little 11 year-old girl who was afraid and believed the only way out of fear was through a traditional, grueling job, I have become someone who believes in herself. 

I’ve persevered. 

I’ve become vulnerable, as I put myself out there on my podcast, in these emails to you, + with my clients.

I’ve taken a lot of action. 

And of course, along the way, I’ve fallen down a LOT!

Sure, I still get scared.

But today I’m truly safe without all those guarantees I believed would make me feel SAFE.

Today, I manage my mind by telling myself true stories about me + my abilities.

I believe in myself. 

I bet on myself. 

I know I’m capable of taking care of myself and my family. 

I fall down and I get back up. 

I’ve cultivated a growth mindset of one who is curious and willing to learn + make mistakes.

Today I’m resilient, strong, + capable.

Managing your mindset will free you. 

I’ve done it, now it’s your turn …

Change your mindset and transform your life.

smiling,

The post The night I made a decision to no longer be poor appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

You want the guaranteed outcome.

We all do.

Then you can eliminate risk.

You will be productive + efficient.

You will know you made the right choice.

You won’t lose face and have to deal with that awful feeling of SHAME.

Sounds lovely.

My friend, it’s a big fat lie.

There is NO guaranteed outcome.

It’s through the journey of mistakes, risk, letting go, uncertainty, and overcoming your emotions that you have the chance to create the results you want.

I realize this isn’t what you wanted to hear.

You wanted the pathway of being perfect, no mistakes, no emotions, and the guarantee of your time and energy not being wasted. 

That, my friend, is a straight jacket that actually limits you.

The growth, learning opportunities, and beauty START with those messy + fallen down moments … it STARTS with you coming out of them.

Without any guarantee that you will be able to create it, be committed to the best case scenario that can cultivate what you want:

• A loving relationship with yourself 
• Loving connection with the people who matter to you
• Meaningful work and purpose 

The pathway to all these things is vulnerability (uncertainty, emotional exposure + risk).

While uncomfortable, those who are willing to be vulnerable and get on the other side of the pain + discomfort of living in a straight jacket become free to cultivate loving relationships and meaningful work.

smiling,

P.S. Ready to practice vulnerability? Click here to learn how you can work with me.

The post The Myth of “The Guaranteed Outcome” appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

When someone asks you how you’re doing?

• Do you tell them all the shitty things that are going on?
• Do you tell them all the amazing things in your life?

As you go through your day, do you:

• Focus on what’s not working?
• Focus on what is working in your life, job, family?

When you wake up on Monday morning, do you think:

• “oh no there’s so much to do...Friday evening can’t come fast enough.”
• Yippee, skippee another great day filled with lots of learning!

As you go through your week, do you:

• Focus on what you don’t want.
• Focus on what you do want.

My friend where you focus is IMPORTANT.

It will set up your day, your week, your life.

Most of us focus on what’s not working, what we don’t want, and all the shitty things going on.

How do you feel when your focus is here?

Let me guess:

SAD. FRUSTRATED. SHAME (not worthy). DISCONNECTED. ANGRY.

I used to believe focusing on what’s not working and what I didn’t want was being authentic.

But actually, it was just me living in a shit storm + not making foward progress.

Instead be AWARE of what’s not working and:

• FOCUS on what you already have. Sound familiar … this is gratitude.
• FOCUS on the amazing things that are already in your life.
• FOCUS on the great day/week in front of you. You get to create your experience.
• FOCUS on what you do want.

This will allow you to FOCUS on where you want to go!

Your FOCUS can:

• Inspire you.
• Empower you.

Your FOCUS will 

• Shape your day.
• Create your life.

You’ve got one precious life.

Enjoy the hell out of it.

Sure shitty things will happen.

That’s part of the journey.

But never forget to FOCUS on all the good in your life + where you are going!

smiling,

P.S. If you’re looking for a better way to live, including how to focus, check out my podcast. It’s been running since 2006, and I’m just getting started! See you soon!

http://howshereallydoesit.com/podcast/

The post Where is your focus? appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

No people pleasers here.  

My preferred term is approval whore. 

You know, someone who says or does what they think others want instead of what they want. 

However, you may not recognize yourself as an approval whore.

So, I’ll rephrase my term to people pleasers

While you’ve been taught that it’s “nice” to people please, my friend you’ve been lied to. 

Here’s how it goes when I talk with people about people pleasing. 

It first starts with their own self pressure to people please. 

They believe they are doing a “good thing” by PEOPLE PLEASING.

Then I turn it around and ask:

Do you like it when others “people please” you?

How do you feel when others are focused on PEOPLE PLEASING you instead of being who they actually are (hint: that would be authentic)?

The conversation then changes to: “I hate it when others “PEOPLE PLEASE” me.

• “It feels slimy.”
• “It feels inauthentic.”

They start to realize that while they have imposed this rule on themselves, it’s good to “PEOPLE PLEASE” … they hate being “PEOPLE PLEASED.”

I have a new rule for me. 

In my personal life NO PEOPLE PLEASERS ALLOWED. 

I want you to fully show up as you. 

I want to know the real you, not the one you think you’re supposed to be. 

I want to be uncomfortable together and totally be okay with our differences. Because I love you . 

I want to do hard things together and we can only do that if we both show up as ourselves. 

I want to know what you love + dislike so I can know more about  you and have a better understanding of you. 

If you were PEOPLE PLEASING, you would show up as what you think I want from you. 

I want you as your brilliant and messy self. 

All of you. 

We will have so much more fun together. 

Yes, it will be uncomfortable. 

But all good things go through discomfort to reach the beauty. 

Let’s do this. 

You show up as you.

I’ll show up as me.

Together we will be.

smiling,

P.S. Need help not being a people pleaser? Check out this podcast episode.

The post No people pleasers allowed appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

I understand. 

You get busy …

You didn’t realize …

That your relationships with your girlfriends are created by the little things.

But, you’ve discounted the little things.

Instead you listen to the voice in the back of your head:

• “It doesn’t matter.”
• “No one will notice.”
• “She won’t care.”
• “It’s really not that big of a deal.”

But do you know if any one of those beliefs are really true? Have you:

• Paid attention?
• Listened to what your friend has asked for?
• Heard what she wants?

Do you pay attention to the little things that delight her?

My hunch is you know the answers to these questions …

But, then you disregard what she wants, asks for, + mentions …

It could be as simple:

• As an occasional phone call to check in.
• An invitation to coffee instead of her being the one to always arrange it.
• A quick text on her birthday.
• A “Yippee skippee” on her Instagram or Facebook post.
• A like or .

Some of these little things take a fraction of a second.

While other little things may take two hours tops.

Yet, you don’t do it.

Now let me be clear.

I’m in no way suggesting you people please or approval whore yourself to your friend.

NO!

I’m saying how do you let your friend know that she matters to you?

I imagine you two have common ground in what she likes + what you like.

Use that to show her that she matters to you.

Pick something that is meaningful + comfortable for both of you.

For instance, you know how much she loves being invited to coffee and you enjoy coffee talk time with her.

Go call or text her now and get a date on the calendar.

Or, on her birthday,  even though you can’t stand the social media shout outs – send her a quick text.

It really is the little things.

Do it with what is aligned with who you are.

She will appreciate you.

You will feel more connected with her.

smiling,

P.S. Find the little things that matter for you. Check out this podcast episode about self-care. You’ll learn how to figure out what does and doesn’t work for you.

The post It’s the little things … appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

A friend of mine was so excited.

She had a big dream to travel.

This was one of those bucket list trips.

One that a few years ago was not something she even believed was possible for her.

This trip was far from her reality.

Until now.

She was sitting in this breathtaking place and WOWed by her experience.

However, there was an internal rumbling.

You see back home there were some family issues going on.

A family member was in deep pain and the ripple effect was affecting more members of the family.

My friend was told that she should not be “living it up” on social media because this would be too painful back home.

How often has someone told you how to edit your story + dim your light so others don’t feel bad about their own life?

My hunch is too often.

In our connections with those we love, we can be having an amazing experience while someone else can be going through trauma.

We all have a story that would break your heart. 

On that day, my friend was having an amazing experience and living her dream.

Yes, she’s also had plenty of heart broken moments throughout her life and will have more in her future.

This does not mean that you must stop your amazing experience or tone it down and dim your light.

Don’t let others edit your story.

Write your own story.

Edit your own story with what you are comfortable sharing as that, my friend, is you living in your personal integrity.

What did my friend do?

She fully showed up.

She enjoyed every moment of her dream trip.

She checked in with loved ones back at home.

She shared on social media all the joy she was having.

She filled herself with joy + love.

And you know what?

She returned home filled up and was able to help support those she loved through the difficult time.

Had she dimmed her light and not allowed herself to enjoy her dream trip, she would have returned back home filled with resentment.

This resentment would have been toxic for the family.

Next time someone tries to edit your story, REMEMBER, you are the writer of your story and the editor.

No one gets to EDIT your story! That is your job!

smiling,

P.S. Create the space/commitment to write and edit your story. Use my Mindset Journal for a proven roadmap that I use every day with my clients!

The post You edit your story appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

Stop being confused.

This is a distraction.

Confusion gives you permission to not do anything.

You get to remain exactly where you are.

It seems innocent … yet it’s toxic.

Toxic…because you: 

• Don’t make  any forward movement.
• Are still in the same place.
• Make this lack of progress about you not being good enough.
• Don’t do anything.
• Now have evidence that you can’t do anything and are stuck.

Toxic … because it makes your belief in you wither away.

Stop being confused.

Instead make a decision.

It does not have to be the perfect decision.

In fact, you won’t know until you test it out.

But, make a decision and then take action:

• Learn.
• Challenge yourself.
• Do something
• Believe in yourself

You will grow.

It’s okay if you realize this is not the direction you want to go in.

With that new info you can make a new decision and continue on your forward moving journey.

You can create the life you want if you stop being confused and make a decision.

Confusion is a distraction.

Instead make an imperfect decision and enjoy your life moving forward.

smiling,

P.S. Need help understanding what “confused” is? I can help you recognize confusion and start to deal with it. Click here to learn how you can work with me.

The post Stop being confused appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

My clients are high achievers. 

They are smart, intelligent, hard workers.

Here’s the thing … many wouldn’t even use those words to identify themselves.

They usually come to me and say they aren’t disciplined. 

They may want to be perceived as smart, but they aren’t confident that  that’s really the case because they are so fantastic at comparing themselves to other people.

The thing my clients know how to do … dial up their achiever-ness and work really, really, really hard.

They take their high achiever and become an overachiever.

They maximize productivity. Not one minute is wasted. Every minute is scheduled.

BUT …

They are exhausted.

They aren’t enjoying their life.

And no matter how productive and efficient, it’s just never ENOUGH!

There’s always more work to do.

There are always more people to support.

The problem is, by the end of any given day, there isn’t anything left inside of my client. They are literally maxed out, their calendar is totally filled!

On a recent day off, one of my clients gave herself permission to sit by the fire and read what she called a “bullshit” thriller (what some refer to as a “trashy novel”). All day.

Here’s the thing. It’s not a “bullshit” thriller. It’s her PLAY. She’s freeing up her brain juice by playing in this way … and this will allow her to go back to work on Monday, refreshed and ready to solve the endless problems waiting for her.

Not every minute in your day needs to be productive.

In fact, we use the word productive as a cover word for “perfection.”

Productive = nothing is wasted.

Reading a thriller book on your day off is not wasted. 

It is you filling yourself up and freeing your brain, so when you do return to work you have a fresh perspective.

smiling,

P.S. Does this kind of play sound like something you need to practice? I’ll guide you. Apply for coaching with me.

The post Trashy novels appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.

I love this quote by Dolly Parton …

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” 

Our biggest fear is if someone really gets to know us, they’ll realize we aren’t really good enough + they won’t like us.

So the easy thing is to become who you think other people want you to be.

But … how’s that working for you?

When I tried to BE who others wanted me to be, I couldn’t trust myself. 

How could I trust myself when I thought there was something deeply wrong with me?

My lack of self-trust slowly led to hating myself. 

You can see the downward spiral this path takes.

Instead take Dolly’s advice: “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”

Get to know yourself. 

Know and own all parts of you.

I guarantee you that YOUR people will connect with your flaws and actually see your beauty in it.

When I really get to know people — ALL parts of them — I love them more, and it’s usually because of their flaws, not their so-called perfections. 

When people only are who they think I want them to be, I don’t trust them because they don’t trust themselves, so there’s distrust in the air.

When people let me into their struggles I see their humanness and know we all have struggles.

Be YOU and BE YOU on PURPOSE!

smiling,

P.S. Want a little help getting to know yourself? Take a look at The Mindset Journal, a tool I use with my clients every day to help them get to know their thoughts and feelings. You really can do this…

The post How to finally find out who you are appeared first on howshereallydoesit.com.