It’s Monday, so you’re probably thinking about eating something very rabbit-esque, like lettuce or carrots or maybe even some slightly seasoned baked salmon. No beer, no wine, nothing with flavor and certainly nothing with cheese. Because it’s Monday. And if you can’t get your health together on Monday? Well, it might not ever happen. Like never. Right?

Oh and to complicate matters even more, you ate like 16 bajillion calories yesterday including 34 scoops of [insert extremely decadent name here] dip. And then you came home and polished off an entire box of Trader Joe’s ice cream bon bons.

Oh wait. That was me. I got us confused for a second. My apologies. [P.S. they're really good and you should buy ten boxes next time you're there.]

Back to dinner. You want to “start the week off right!” so you’re planning a lovely feast of romaine and possibly some tuna from a pouch of and then some sort of vegetable that you bought even though it’s highly out of season, cost you $3 and is already a mushed and molded mess. But it’s a vegetable. And it’s Monday. So you’ll eat it. And starve.

Hi, it’s me. I’m inside your mind!

But that’s boring. Because I said so. And I don’t believe in such torturous practices because, well… you’re awesome. I like you. And you’re deserving of something delicious.

This shrimp doesn’t seem like much, but would you look at it?! Super simple and piled with tons upon tons of flavor.

I think you’ll like it. Make Monday happy.

Spicy Parmesan Shrimp Skillet

serves 2-4

1 pound raw peeled and deveined shrimp

1/3 cup olive oil

1/4 cup parmesan cheese

4 garlic cloves, minced

2 teaspoons brown sugar

2 teaspoons soy sauce

1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes

2 cups uncooked whole wheat penne

In a bowl, whisk olive oil, parmesan, brown sugar, soy sauce, garlic and red pepper flakes together. Add shrimp to a large ziplock bag, pour marinade over top, then seal bag and shake to coat. Place in the fridge to marinate for 30 minutes… or 2-4 hours… or overnight if desired!

When ready to eat, bring water to boil in a large pot and cook penne according to directions. While pasta is cooking, heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add shrimp and marinade (just dump the entire contents of the bag into the skillet), then cook shrimp until pink – about 2 minutes per side. Be careful not to overcook! As soon as shrimp is finished, add penne into the skillet and toss to coat completely. Top with additional parmesan cheese and sliced green onions, then serve.

And you can, uh… toss some vegetables or something in there too if you want. As usual… if you’re into that baloney.

This COULD be your dinner. Or a snack. Or maybe… breakfast?

You wouldn’t want to tick it off or anything.

Because um… look at it.

Yeah.

A few years ago I made a somewhat healthified version of one of my favorite appetizers. Ever since then I’ve been dreaming of other things to stick inside there. Soooooo…

The BBQ flavor combo is just one of many things I have a crush on, including chocolate peanut butter, a stack full of magazines, new mascara and the cold side of the pillow.

And when I say BBQ combo, I’m talking BBQ sauce smothered chicken, sweet caramelized onions, melty sharp cheddar cheese and… bacon. Oh baby!

So sure, this could be the perfect snack on Sunday, or it could just be the perfect snack… whenever. Like now.

I mean, let’s be honest. The only reason I’m gonna cheer for any team to win the game is highly dependent on the attractiveness of their quarterback.* Other than that, it’s all about the food and an excellent reason to consume massive amounts of margaritas.

BBQ Chicken Stuffed Sweet Potato Skins

makes 12 sweet potato skins, is easily multiplied

6 medium sweet potatoes (I find the ones that are more fat + round work best)

3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cooked and shredded

1/2-3/4 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce

1 cup freshly grated sharp cheddar cheese

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1 medium red onion, thinly sliced

2 teaspoons olive oil + more for brushing

2 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled

fresh cilantro for topping

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Cut sweet potatoes in half lengthwise, then lay them cute side down on a foil-lined baking sheet. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until soft. One finished, let cool until you can touch them.

While potatoes are baking, heat a skillet over medium-low heat and add olive oil. Add sliced onions and 1/4 teaspoons salt, then cook until caramelized, stirring occasionally, for 15-20 minutes. Add shredded chicken to a bowl and mix with 1/3 cup BBQ sauce. Set aside.

Once potatoes are cool enough to handle, scoop out sweet potato flesh, leaving just the slightest bit in the skin. Set aside about half of the sweet potato flesh, saving it for later use. Take the other half and mash it with 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, 1/4 teaspoon salt and pepper. Take the potato skins and place them bake on a baking sheet cut-side down, then brush or spray the skin with olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper if desired. Cook for 10 minutes, then flip and cook for 3-4 minutes more.

Remove skin from the oven and fill each with about 1-2 tablespoons of the cheddar sweet potato mash, some BBQ chicken, bacon and caramelized red onions (I didn’t measure anything, just used my hands to stuff the stuff in each potato. You can’t go wrong here!). Top with additional cheddar and place on the baking sheet, repeating with remaining potatoes. Bake for 4-5 minutes more, then serve hot and top with cilantro.

Note: you can prep these ahead of time and they will still be delicious, the only downside is that the skins may not be quite as crispy.

*I clearly hide nothing from you.

And! Let’s take a moment thank the heavens above that I do or else… nary a vegetable would cross my lips.

And in order to continue this… fondness… I have for the little green chunks o’ love, I gotta make sure they don’t overstay their welcome. Ever.

Because I can’t get sick of the one plant type thing I’ve got going on. !! Duh.

Now now… I realize I’m eliminating a majority of the population here with coconut AND brussels sprouts. I mean… most normal people ahbor tiny cabbages. A ton of other people think coconut should be eliminated from planet Earth. Frankly, I think they should be eliminated and leave me some alone time with my coconut. I’m possessive, needy and insecure.

For some of you (like ummmm, my husband), this is your ultimate worst nightmare. I could not combine anything more disgusting, right? Well… go sit over there in the corner and leave me be, because I’m hungry.

I pan-roasted the heck out of the brussels until caramely, added some coconut to toast, drizzled on some lite coconut milk and then ate them like there was no tomorrow. Delicious. We  (and I really just mean I) served them with those maple-glazed pork chops and pesto mac and cheese… then fell into food comas for four days. My kinda sleep.

Coconut Toasted Brussels

serves 2-4

1 pound brussels sprouts, stems removed and quartered

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

pinch of nutmeg

1 1/2 tablespoons coconut oil, melted

2 tablespoons lite coconut milk

2-3 tablespoons toasted, shredded coconut

Add quartered brussels to a bowl and sprinkle with salt, pepper and nutmeg. Drizzle with coconut oil and toss to coat.

Heat a skillet oven medium-high heat and once hot, add brussels. Cook for 6-8 minutes, stirring occasionally until toasted and charred. Reduce heat to low and stir in coconut milk. Stir in 2 tablespoons toasted coconut, then transfer to a bowl to serve. Top with remaining toasted coconut.

I’ll totally make this up to you tomorrow.

And we learn that possesses has a heck of a lot of s’s.

It’s not that I don’t LIKE it. I do. It’s just not the first thing I think of when I’m all OMGIneedfoodnow. I’m simply not a bread person and can easily pass up the dinner basket unless I’m starvvvving. Which yeah… feels like all the time.

But still, I prefer to think of bread as a vehicle for something much more delicious. Like smashed avocado with sea salt and lime. Or a plate full of olive oil sprinkled with parmesan cheese and minced garlic. Or really creamy peanut butter with a layer of melted chocolate chips. Or melty brie topped with macerated strawberries. Or even… cut into little cubes and mixed with bacon and other delicious bites then doused with gravy on that thing we call Thanksgiving.

That’s what I think of bready stuff. And believe me, I thank my lucky stars that I don’t have the bread addiction like so many others, but I MORE than make up for it with a cheesecake, cookie, pizza and mac and cheese addiction. Pick your poison.

Now the kicker: things like buttermilk biscuits, cornbread and banana bread don’t really fall under those specifications because, well… they are buttermilk biscuits, cornbread and banana bread.

And bagels too. I love bagels as much as the next guy (but really, who IS that even?), however they gotta meet these three conditions:

They must be fresh.

They must be PERFECTLY toasted. Like, perfectly.

They must be blanketed by a spread or sandwich-like things.

If right about now you are thinking “wow, this chick is seriously high maintenance and I feel bad for those within a 16 mile radius of her”… then you are certainly right.

I am.

[And if you know anyone else that posts pictures of their very dirty home appliances on the internet, you should probably send them my way. I clearly need friends.]

Last week I stopped by my parents’ house and on the counter I spied a BAG full of asiago bagels. After I checked the fridge… of course. That’s always the very first thing I do. Obviously.

But wait… why do parents always have the best food? Why do things taste like five kajillion times better at their house?

Why do I want to consume food that I normally don’t even care about when I visit, like gumdrops and buttered rum muffins and two-week old cold pizza and stale-but-buttery Ritz crackers?

Whyyyyyyyy?

If I love bagels, I love asiago cheese bagels like sixty times more. If I found it feasible to waste a day’s worth of calories on bread alone, I would trek to Panera every single freaking day.

Oh but wait. I don’t have to. Because I MADE MY OWN. And they are easy. Promise. Super promise. It only took me four or five tries, which yeah, was a massive pain, but now? I have asiago cheese bagels for life.

Homemade Asiago Cheese Bagels

[adapted from both foodnetwork and king arthur flour]

makes 12-15 bagels

10-12 ounces freshly grated asiago cheese

2 cups warm water

2 packets active dry yeast

2 tablespoons honey

3 cups all-purpose flour

2 1/2 cups bread flour

1 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon brown sugar (for the water bath)

vegetable oil for brushing

In the bowl of your electric mixer fitted with a dough hook, combine water, yeast and honey, stir to combine, then let sit until foamy, about 10-15 minutes. Once foamy, gradually add in 2 cups of all-purpose flour and 2 cups of bread flour with the mixer on low speed. After 5 minutes or so, if the dough is still sticky, add the remaining bread flour and 1/2 cup all-purpose flour and mix until combined. Remove the dough from the bowl (it should be thick and stiffer than most yeast breads) and knead a few times with your hands, forming it into a ball. Add the remaining all purpose flour if the dough is still sticky.

Brush a large bowl with oil and place the dough inside, turning to coat. Cover and let rise in a warm place (I turn on my oven and set it on top) until it’s double in size – about 1 hour.

Once doubled, punch down the dough and place it on your counter, using a little more flour if needed to prevent it from sticking. Divide the dough into 12 pieces (I actually got 15) that are 2.5-3 ounces each. Using your kitchen scale here is priceless! Rolls the dough into balls, then places on an oiled baking sheet, cover and let rise for 30 minutes. At this time, grate your cheese and place it in a large bowl.

After 30 minutes, fill a large pot with water and add brown sugar, letting it come to a boil. While the water is heating up, take each round of dough and poke a hole straight through the middle, twirling it gently on your finger to create the bagel “look.” Place back down on the baking sheet and let rest for 10-15 minutes, while the water comes to a rolling boil.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. If needed/desired, grease another baking sheet. I did this as I found it was easier to place the bagels on.

Once boiling, add 3-4 bagels at a time. Let cook for 2 minutes on one side, then using the end of a wooden spoon, flip the bagel and cook for another 30 seconds. Remove bagels one at a time and place in the bowl of asiago cheese, turning to coat and lightly pressing to adhere. Transfer to the greased baking sheet for final baking and repeat. Once all the bagels (or as many that can fit on your sheet) are finished, place in the oven and bake for 28-35 minutes. I began checking mine after 20 minutes just to ensure that they cheese wasn’t burning. It never burnt, but it did get golden and delicious!

Let bagels cool completely before serving, then toast or eat as desired.

[Note: I did try making the "starter" as noted in the king arthur recipe three times, and all three times I did not like the result of my bagels. This basic recipe without a starter or sponge is what worked best for me.]

Still trying to figure out if this is a wonderful or terrifying thing. Halllllp me.

1. Yesterday I… “stumbled” upon an old old old OLD school episode of 90210 (like maybe one of the first?) and while I couldn’t even get over how horrific the acting was (except for you Dylan, I’m still love you) all I really thought was… I want to wear Kelly Taylor’s brown suede jacket that has 6 pounds of fringe hanging from it.

2. Thursday night I made us copycat Chipotle bowls inspired by Mara, which made my entire week worth living.

3. I’d like to tell you to do the same, or even that I can’t wait to do it again… however the entire prep took me nearly 2 hours and made me want to yank my hair out and while it was super super super delicious, I think I’ll stick to driving to the nearest location and spending $10.

4. Ooooh but then I can’t have bottomless blue corn chips. Rats. Decisions decisions.

5. We’ve moved on from Dexter (since uh, someone watched 72 hours of it in like 2 weeks) and now have watched Homeland, which we really love… but but but – before you recommend all these crazy smart people shows, I must tell you that this type of stuff is soooo not my kind of TV. I mean, I read only chick lit and am obsessed with glitter and see no problem in buying $500 shoes and should own stock in Sephora. However, I definitely had 2 dreams this week that I’m being interrogated by the CIA. What does this all MEAN?!

6. Maybe I’m growing up?

7. Probably not. At all.

8. Know what I currently can’t get enough of? Grapefruit. Well… brownies. But also… grapefruit. I’ve loved them since I was a kid and go through huge grapefruit binges every winter, until sometime in April when I pick one up and it tastes like vinegar and acid swished together, to which I dramatically spit it out and claim “I’M NEVER EATING GRAPEFRUIT AGAIN!!!”

9. But I’m really not dramatic at all.

10. Our weather today is so gorgeous that I want to eat it. Like literally swallow it up. After chewing of course.

11. OHMYGOSH don’t you just want to smash your face into this picture of Bella? I can’t even stand it.

I spent 21 minutes contemplating the idea that if I licked this whisk and it’s three accompanying spatulas completely clean, I mean like COMPLETELY CLEAN… just exactly how sick could I get? Would the sickness be worth it? If I took my last breath slurping fluffy meringue and choked on raw egg whites, vanilla and sugar, would it be my IDEAL – like, total ideal – way to go?

Because there is a fine line between consuming batter and feeling like garbage (or uhhh… dying?), and I often cross it.

Actually… I always cross it. Repeatedly. Forever. Evermore.

Anyhoo.

I did that batter justice.

Really, in all my 20-something years on this Earth, if I have survived using six-years expired shaker Parmesan cheese from Mother Lovett’s fridge, if my mom has baked a cake in 2012 with Duncan Hines mix that was good through March of ’08 and I ate seven bajillion slices, if I lived after taking a swig of Dawn dish soap thinking it was my water bottle, if I consumed… well, let’s be honest here – inhaled – a piece of coconut cream pie that I found in the back of the fridge behind some congealed substance that had basically grown legs and was waiting to walk away, well then…

… I don’t think the base of an angel food cake is gonna kill me.

Oh! And especially not… because it’s called ANGEL food cake, so there has to be like, angels involved somewhere. Watching over me. As in my guardian angel, which obviously has to have some involvement with cake somewhere.

If not, it’s like they don’t even… know me. And well, that’s just not safe.

Besides one of my life goals being for George Clooney to prank me, another one is to make a mean-ass angel food cake. Mother Lovett used to make one and then top it with some glaze, and it was gooooood. Not my favorite, but every once in a while it was cool to bite down into a spongy layer of vanilla. Oh, but this was before I knew that angel food cake was basically a HEALTH FOOD. After learning that, I just wanted to eat brownies.

Everyfreakingday.

I made my first angel food cake a few years ago and assumed it would be soooosoo easy. Like, embarrassingly easy. I mean, it normally just looks like a plain, fluffy, fat life-size donut. It doesn’t taste like tiramisu layered cheesecake with chocolate mouse filling and graham cracker crust and mascarpone frosting and fresh truffles on top of a bed of creme brulee and… and… yeah. Angel food cake is simple and light and people eat it so they can feel better about themselves ingesting cake. I didn’t expect it to be all “beat the egg whites! watch for stiff peaks! sift the sugar! sift the sugar again! don’t stir the egg whites! fold the stuff in! no, FOLD the stuff in! don’t mix it in circles!” and stuff. I’m much more of a mix-all-this-junk-in-a-bowl-and-who-cares-when-you-add-the-dry-ingredients-and-oh-cracked-two-entire-eggs-plus-their-shells-in-the-batter?-just-scoop-it-out-with-your-fingers-and-move-on kind of person.

Needless to say, I was much more prepared for this angel food experience.

Still, I complicated things a little more and made some cupcakes instead, which ummm… might just be the best thing ever because you can pop them in your mouth like candy. They are everything that angel food cake is, but cuter.

Angel Food Cupcakes

[lightly adapted from mother lovett's recipe and gourmet]

makes 36 cupcakes

12 large egg whites (1 1/2 cups)

1 1/2 teaspoons cream of tarter

3/4 cup granulated sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 3/4 cups sifted powdered sugar (sift before measuring)

1 1/8 cups sifted cake flour (sift before measuring)

1/4 teaspoon salt

Let egg whites sit at room temperature for about one hour before beginning. While eggs are resting, measure out powdered sugar and flour, then sift powdered sugar, flour and salt together. Set aside. Line a cupcake tin (or two) with cupcake liners.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F and place rack in the bottom third of oven.

Using an electric mixer, beat egg whites until frothy. Once frothy, add in cream of tarter, then beat at medium speed until soft peaks form. This took me about 5-6 minutes. Gradually add granulated sugar with the mixer still on medium speed, continuing to beat until egg whites thicken a bit more with opaque, soft, droopy peaks. Once there, beat in vanilla extract.

Remove the bowl from the mixer and sprinkle 1/4 of the dry ingredients over the egg whites. Fold gently with a spatula until combined completely. Continue with the rest of the dry ingredients – I did this in three increments.

Once batter is smooth, use a 1/4 cup measure to pour heaping scoops of batter into each liner. Bake for 18-19 minutes, or until tops are golden brown. Let cool completely, then frost as desired. I frosted mine with a simple fresh vanilla whipped cream, using 1 pint of whipping cream, 2 tablespoons of sugar, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, and beating until thickened.

Much cuter.

The GOOD kind.

I mean, there’s just so much to be said about these short little sliders. !!!

…their crispy crab midsections.

…their tiny toasted buns.

…the cascading juicy fruits cubes.

…their adorable general plumpness.

Because if there’s one thing I love, it’s a sandwich packed so fat that you can barely get your mouth around it.

And I’m willing to do anything just so you’ll make them and join in the mush fest with me.

Well, that’s only three quarters true.

Anything including video cameras or broccoli is strictly prohibited.

Back around the time when I wore silk shirts blanketed by paisley vests, leggings with lace squares on the bottoms, my fair share of skorts and bowed down every Sunday at the temple known as Limited Too, I sort of thought crab cakes sucked.

Like… why would I want to eat a cake made of crustaceans when I really just want to eat a cake made of sugar? And why would I order crab cakes when the only seafood I ever think about is that lobster romano that my mom brings home half of in a styrofoam container nearly every.single.week.? That I hurry up and eat when no one’s looking then blame it on my brother? And why am I finding, like… thick chunks of stale bread in my crab[less] cakes and not any actual crabs?

And seriously… why is my hair permed?

I’m so glad that phase is behind me. All of them.

Crab Cake Sliders

[from my simple & light crab cakes]

makes 8-10 sliders, depending on bun size

1 pound lump crabmeat

8 saltine crackers, crushed (I used multigrain)

1 large egg

1 tablespoon dijon mustard

1 tablespoon plain greek yogurt or mayo

pinch of cayenne pepper

salt & pepper to taste

1 tablespoon olive oil

8-10 whole grain slider buns or dinner rolls

Combine all ingredients except for olive oil in a bowl and stir until thoroughly combined. Heat a skillet on medium heat and add olive oil. While it’s heating, form the crab mixture into small patties that will fit the size of bun you’ve purchased. Place them in the skillet and cook until lightly golden brown, about 3-4 minutes on each side.

Spicy Lime Yogurt Spread

1/4 cup plain greek yogurt

1 teaspoon sriracha sauce (or more if desired)

zest of half of a lime

juice of half a lime

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix until smooth and combined.

Pineapple Kiwi Salsa

1 kiwi, peeled and chopped

1/2 jalapeno, chopped

2 pineapple rings, chopped

2 tablespoons chopped red onion

3 tablespoons chopped cilantro

the juice of half a lime

salt and pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and stir to mix. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Monday is better with these.

Creamy Feta Dip with Jalapenos

Beer Mac and Cheese

Cheesy Roasted Red Pepper Dip

Southwest Chicken Chili

Layered Buffalo Chicken Nachos

Pierogi Pizza

BBQ Portobello Sliders

Buffalo Chicken Dip

Bacon Cheddar Bubble Bread

Toasted Almond Parmesan Dip

Brown Sugar Popcorn

Cheesy Jalapeno Poppers

Buffalo Chicken Burgers

Baked Buffalo Chicken Pasta

Cheesy Stuffed Meatball Sliders

Pretzel Rolls

Queso Dip

Hearty Chili

Baby Chimichangas

Crockpot BBQ Beer Chicken

Blueberry Lime Salsa

Chocolate Dipped Clementines

Cilantro Lime White Bean Hummus

Everything Flatbread Crackers

Beer Marshmallow S’mores

I know. I say that all the time. BUT.

I really mean it. Really really.

I’d have to say this is in the top ten of things I’ve ever made. Yeah. For serious. Which is like… the top ten in a million things. Big deal.

And it totally took me by surprise. Gave me a big, fat punch of bewilderment square in the face.

I mean, I expected it to taste good. Obviously. But like… not THAT good.

My grandma always loved this little swiss almond cheese spread that came in a plastic container, and my mom still often buys it to serve with snacks and appetizers. It’s delicious smeared on crackers, but I decided it would be more delicious if someone combined a ton of toasted almonds with a few plentiful thousand handfuls of cheese.

I was right.

Happy happy joy joy.

I mean, just look at that hot, melty mess down there. I can’t even tell you how freaking good this is.

NOW MAKE IT FOR THE SUPER BOWL! Orrrr… just because you are awesome.

Toasted Almond Parmesan Dip

makes about 1 1/2 cups of dip

6 ounces cream cheese

2 ounces mascarpone cheese

1 cup freshly grated parmesan cheese

3/4 cup sliced toasted almonds

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

1/8 teaspoon nutmeg

pinch of salt

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

In a bowl, combine cream cheese, mascarpone, parmesan and 1/2 cup almonds. Mix with a spoon to combine, then press into a baking dish. Bake for 25-30 minutes. Remove from oven and top with remaining almonds. Serve with crackers and pita chips!

Note: you can use low-fat cream cheese since the mascarpone has fat in it; not sure about using fat-free.

You are awesome, right?

This blood orange smoothie.

This TJ’s tricolor quinoa.

We’ve loved quinoa for years, but this makes it 800 times more fun to eat.

The pinto beans and bacon bubbling away on my stove. OMG.

This chicken. !!!

This chocolate that has magic powers since it somehow jumped into my grocery cart.

Not as good as my fave Lindt sea salt chocolate, but still fab.

Avocado toasts. They will never, ever, ever get old. Ever ever.

The way I’m still wasting my life away on Pinterest.

This face scrub.

I’ve used Yes to Carrots daily moisturizer as my daytime face :stuff: for years, but just recently picked up the scrub. It is so gentle yet really cleansing at the same time. Lovey dovey.

My spur-of-the-moment lunch today.

When Bella sits pretty.

This.

Obviously.

This raw chocolate milk.

The fact that I’m almost through Dexter which means I can finally regain my productive life back.

This blog. As usual.

Anything that Rachel writes. Really. Anything.

These.

I wasn’t joking when I said earlier in the week that I literally thought my lips were going to fall off. I was three steps away from Urgent Care when my screwy combo of Neosporin cream topped with Aquaphor 8 times a day started to kick in. These are the only things that have been soothing when I don’t have that combo.

Annnnnd the fact that tonight’s dinner basically REQUIRES me to have a margarita. Or at least a tequila shot.