Sure, it’s not April anymore, but who has any good sense of time anymore? Parents are ussually late anyways, and especially time-challenged these days.

Good parents raise good children but GREAT parents tweet about all of the not-so-great things that happen when they’re raising their children…or something like that. Raising kids isn’t an easy job but someone has to do it, which is why HowToBeADad puts together a monthlyish Twitter roundup about the pains and occasional joy of parenthood.

So take a look below for some of the funniest parent tweets we’ve found this month!

And there you have it! A somewhat comprehensive (but not really) list of the funniest parenting-related tweets this month. Looking for more? Follow HowToBeADad on Twitter!
 

Nursery rhymes. The name itself seems to recall a simpler and more innocent time. Maybe you remember chanting a nursery rhyme on the playground with your friends as a kid. Then again, maybe, you don’t. The odds are you didn’t grow up in the 1800s and spend your time singing and dancing with a bunch of chimney sweeps (many of whom developed cancer of the ball sack because of the work they performed).

Even if you don’t happen to be a chimney sweep the chances are that you probably know a few nursery rhymes. You may not, however, know just what they were about. It turns out that a lot of nursery rhymes aren’t exactly kid-friendly and some aren’t even that adult-friendly either. So let’s go find out what’s happening to London Bridge and Ring Around the Rosie and a few of these other old-timey earworms… if you dare.
 

London Bridge Is Falling Down
 

The real question here is “why is London Bridge falling down?” in the nursery rhyme. It could be due to regular old wear and tear or even a Viking attack that took down the bridge in the early 1000’s.

The most disturbing theory holds that London bridge was falling down because the builders didn’t appease the Gods with a sacrifice. According to legend, it wasn’t uncommon to bury children… errrr candy… in a bridge’s foundations to keep it upright. Case solved. London Bridge was falling down because the workers didn’t bury candy… alive… in its foundations.

Mary Mary Quite Contrary
 

At first, this nursery rhyme sounds like a bit of gardening advice.

Person: Hey Mary? How does your garden grow?
Mary: With silver bells and cockleshells….and pretty maids all in a row.

Wait what? What are maids doing in a garden? Why are they in a row? Spoiler alert. This isn’t a garden at all. It’s a graveyard and the Mary in the nursery rhyme is Queen Mary I, who was known as Bloody Mary.

Was she called Bloody Mary because she liked her steaks really rare? Maybe. More likely, however, she got her nickname for executing hundreds of her subjects for choosing a Catholicism-free brand of religion. It turns out that those silver bells and cockleshells aren’t all that innocent either. Instead of being pretty little trinkets to plop into a garden bed, they were actually instruments of torture.

Three Blind Mice
 

It’s safe to say that if you’re nicknamed Bloody Mary you’re going to get some bad press, and Mary must have really pissed off ye olde nursery rhyme makers back in the day.

The three blind mice in this rhyme are actually a group of Protestant bishops who attempted to overthrow the Queen and were burned at the stake as a reward. The most likely reason the mice are blind is probably a reference to how “blind” they were in thinking that they could try to overthrow someone called Bloody Mary and live. After all, it’s not like she was called “Have a Fruit Basket Mary.”

Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush
 

What’s so bad about walking around a bit of shrubbery? But also, what’s so great about it. Sure, people in the mid-1800s didn’t have the internet or fidget spinners, but this seems excessively mundane.

Then again maybe you’re forced to walk around the mulberry bush for exercise like the female prison inmates in this nursery rhyme. This was typically done by the light of the moon. Such fun.

Ring Around the Rosie
 

A common theory about this little ditty is that it refers back to the bubonic plague that ravaged London. One common feature of the cheerily-named Black Plague was a ringed rash or “rosie” that could erupt in buboes. What’s a bubo? Imagine a giant lump of flesh that finally bursts into a weeping sore. Then again don’t. Too late? Sorry.

In addition to being painful, buboes didn’t smell all that great which is why posies or other flowers were used to mask their scent and to ward off infectious “vapors.”

Whether or not they worked as an old-timey deodorant, posies weren’t that effective as an air sanitizer for the dreaded disease, which ultimately struck down as much as 30% of Europe. “Ashes ashes, we all fall down” comes either from the cremation of millions of diseased cadavers or it’s a reference to “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

Unfortunately, some buzzkill historian has come up with a more likely interpretation of this nursery rhyme and claims that it’s really about a religious ban on dancing. So apparently instead of singing about a dreaded disease, kids who chant “ring around the rosie” are really protesting a ban on dancing like the movie “Footloose,” but way more OG.

Humpty Dumpty
 

Some people think that the Humpty was just an average town drunk. After all what’s more appropriate than small child chanting a rhyme about a drunk who falls off of a wall and then breaks his skull?

Another theory holds that Humpty is actually King Richard III. The “Humpty” part refers to the belief that Richard had a humpback, though it was actually scoliosis. The King did not, however, inspire the early-90s hip hop sensation “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground.

The great fall that Humpty took was really a tumble that Richard took off of his horse which was, unfortunately for the king, during a battle. After finding himself on the ground, Richard was quickly chopped to bits by his enemies, and all the kings’ men couldn’t put him back together again.

Whether it’s about a town drunk or a humpbacked king there’s no interpretation of this nursery rhyme that feels all that child-friendly.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
 

Georgie Porgie is thought to be George Villiers (1592–1628), a man with a big appetite for pudding and pie…and sex. According to history, George was stunningly attractive and used his good looks to hump his way through a large part of England.

In addition to being the rumored lover of King James I, George also “had relations” with a lot of women as well. Unfortunately for Georgie many of those women were married and their husbands weren’t all that excited about them being “Porgied” which is probably why he ran away when the boys came out to “play.”

—

Let’s take a look at what a nursery rhyme might look like today:

So yeah. That was a nursery rhyme about Jeffrey Dahmer.

Now that you know the secret history of these olden tunes, a little piece of your childhood is probably dead, or buried alive in a bridge. Sorry about that but, on a lighter note, Cardi B singing about WAP doesn’t seem all that bad now, does it?
 

 
Congratulations! You’re having a baby! Actually, to be technical about it, your wife is having a baby. Other than going to prenatal classes, late-night emergency food craving grocery runs, and letting her crush your hand into a box of broken crayons during labor, comparatively, you’re just along for the ride. That doesn’t mean you can’t be supportive in other ways.

One of the hallmark times a would-be father can share in the miracle of life is during the first sonogram, so it’s important to really show up strong. Below are a few helpful tips to make the most out of the experience for your wife, your unborn child, and you.

Keep it Light
 

Your soon-to-be-baby’s first sonogram is typically a wonderful experience that you’ll cherish for the rest of your life. As magical as the event can be, however, it’s often filled with anxiety.

This is the first time you’ll be hearing your child’s heartbeat and, until that happens, the mood can be a little tense. Best to lighten things up with a little humor. Try an icebreaker like “I didn’t think it was going to be that kind of a get-together” when the tech rubs lube over your wife’s belly, or if you can see the baby, “looks we’re having a xerox copy of a root vegetable!”

You can even get physical and make a balloon sculpture of the fetus! See what happens when you fart on the sonogram wand, it’s bound to be entertaining!

The jokes you make are sure to be appreciated by all in attendance. And if not, grab the transducer probe (the “wand”), tap it like a standup comedian and ask,”Is this thing on?”

Be Useful
 

Everyone could use a little help from time to time, and doctors and sonogram techs are no different. Sure, you could sit back and simply observe this special moment, but fatherhood isn’t a spectator sport. Good dads are DOERS! So get in there, champ!

You can try giving the sonogram technician a shoulder rub to help loosen them up for the task. Gently dab their forehead and whisper soft words of encouragement in their ear while they try to locate and listen for your soon-to-be bundle of joy.

Feel free to fiddle with the dials and knobs on the ultrasound machine so they’re operating at peak performance. Check the outlets and wires to make sure they’re organized to your satisfaction, get to work if they are not.

If your instrument and wiring adjustments have slowed the process down, a motivating comment like “are you sure you’re using that thing right?” or “think you could break the world record for fastest sonogram, eh eh?” might do wonders for speeding the process along.

Provide Helpful Instructions
 

The eager anticipation can make waiting to see your baby for the first time seem like an eternity in slow-mo, on sleeping pills.

Searching the dark, murky depths of the womb can be difficult. You can ask to hold the sonogram wand to demonstrate potential improvements in their angle and motions. Or simply ask to have a go at it yourself!

You can also suggest a search pattern like a good game of Battleship, to zero in on your little fetal submarine. Draw a grid on her bulging bump (use a sharpie so the belly lube doesn’t smear it). Then shout your commands, “Scan sector B-5!”

If that fails and your baby still remains undiscovered, or you’re asked to leave the room, let her know that it’s probably not because she’s going to be a bad parent. You could also maybe mention that at the 6-8 week mark the baby is so tiny it’d likely lose a fight with a tadpole.

Get Involved!
  

This is your time to show your deep investment as a father! She’s bound to appreciate all of your active interest in the process.

Once you’ve got a visual on the elusive jelly bean, you can contribute to the process by bringing a tape measure to double-check the measurements the tech is taking down. Bring your own clipboard, medical professionals will love that.

When they whip out the doppler and you hear your love nugget’s heartbeat, start beatboxing some wicked dubstep along with the fast, surging techno “whoosh whooshing” sound. Bring some glowsticks to add to the good time.

Be curious and ask questions like, “Is that heart rate normal? Just checking because it seems really fast,” or, “How long before we can see what kind of junk it has?”

You can really join in the jamboree by taking off your shirt and asking to be sonogrammed yourself to see how that burrito you had for breakfast is doing. Heck! Give the technician and turn and compare food babies!

–

Your wife’s first sonogram can be fraught with emotional peaks and valleys, but never fear! With the right attitude and these helpful tips you’ll give your wife an experience she will remember and remind you of for the rest of your life.

Good parents raise good children but GREAT parents tweet about all of the not-so-great things that happen when they’re raising their children…or something like that. Raising kids isn’t an easy job but someone has to do it which is why HowToBeADad puts together a monthlyish Twitter roundup about the pains and occasional joy of parenthood.

So take a look below for some of the funniest parent tweets we’ve found this month!
 

And there you have it! A somewhat comprehensive (but not really) list of the funniest parenting related tweets this month. Looking for more? Follow How To Be A Dad on Twitter!

There are bad birthday presents and then there are BAD birthday presents. And then there are the birthday presents that leave you scratching your head and wondering “what in the hell were they thinking?” The answer? They probably weren’t. However they came to be, these toys are out there lurking in darkest corners of the internet just waiting to destroy some poor child’s emotional stability and, perhaps, the very fabric of society itself. So please avoid these legendarily awful presents when planning your kid’s next birthday party…unless of course you really, really, really don’t like your child.

Fugglers – The Toys with Fake Human Teeth!

Starting off at the top of the list are Fugglers, the plush toys with teeth. Some things are meant to be together. Chocolate and peanut butter are a great combination. Kale and a garbage can pair nicely. Plush toys and teeth do not go well together unless, of course, you’re the kind of parent who wants to keep your kid in a constant and trembling state of anxiety for hours at a time. Concerned that Fugglers aren’t creepy enough? Worry no more! In addition to a full (and sometimes more than full) set of fake human teeth, some Fugglers have buttons for eyes. After all, nothing is more off-putting than a doll with buttons for eyes unless, of course, it’s a doll with teeth AND very realistic looking glass eyes. Every Fuggler comes with a complimentary visit from a priest schooled in the art of exorcism… at least it should.
 

You Can Shave the Baby – The Doll You Can Shave?

How many times have you looked at a doll and thought “Damn I’ll bet that infant could use a shave?” Never? Then you’re in good company…unless you’re the company that came up with very descriptive but less than catchy name for the next product on our list. Meet “You Can Shave the Baby” the doll you can…well…presumably shave if you wanted to. With its lush orange mane and thickets of ankle hair you might actually want to shave the baby but you can’t. The doll was originally created by the artist Zbigniew Libera as a “piercingly subversive play with stereotypes of contemporary culture” so unless you’ve got a hankering for unusual art and a pocketful of disposable income this toy is off the market. For a cheaper alternative consider picking up some hair trimmings at your local salon and supergluing them to a doll of your choice. Or not.
 

Erwin the Little Patient – The Plush Toy for the Curious Young Sociopath

Introducing Erwin the Little Patient, the plush toy with a chest cavity you can unzip like a suitcase! Erwin’s innards are filled with stuffed versions of all of your favorite internal organs including a heart, two lungs, a liver, a stomach, and much, much more! There’s even a full set of kidneys! Every organ is carefully constructed from plush fabric so your little sociopath in training doesn’t hurt his tiny wittle finners on a sharp edge or use the toy to bludgeon the family pet. When asked by their parole officers which toy they loved the most three out of four of Hannibal Lector’s kids agreed that it was Erwin the Little Patient!
 

Pole Dancer – The Little Stripper that Could

There are many different qualities parents look for in toys for their kids.

Music? Good.

Style? OK.

Flash? Errrrrr what?

These are all words used to describe the Pole Dance doll. In addition to music, style and whatever “flash” might be the tiny pole dancer also comes with a miniature stage and a disco ball and her parents’ dissappointment. The only things missing are a bouncer and a cover fee! Buy just one or collect the whole set for the young entrepreneur looking to manage a crew to dance the night away.
 

Baby’s First Baby – The Biological Wonder

Some people have an idea and ask “why?” Other people have an idea and ask “why not?” And then there are the people who didn’t question much of anything and sprang Baby’s First Baby upon an unsuspecting public. Baby’s First Baby is…well pretty self explanatory and appears to be specifically designed to confuse the hell out of inquisitive young minds. Is your little tyke curious about where baby’s come from? Instead of having an awkward conversation just give them Baby’s First Baby and let them try to figure it out (spoiler alert if they figure it out then please have them contact us because we’d really like to know too). And just in case Baby’s First Baby wasn’t enough of a head scratcher, Baby’s First Baby ALSO HAS A BABY. It’s like a biologically impossible set of Russian nesting dolls but only slightly less off putting.

The Thing with No Name and Teeth in Its Butthole

The words “gaping butthole with teeth” aren’t often used to describe a toy because THEY SHOULD NEVER EVER BE USED TO DESCRIBE A CHILD’S TOY!!! As such this toy which will be referred to as “The Thing with No Name and Teeth in Its Butthole” which, it turns out, is not exactly meant to be a child’s toy. Instead it’s a creation from the troubled mind of Joshua Ben Longo and developed as an artistic statement about…well something. Some time ago Longo wondered, as many of us have, “what would plush animals would look like with teeth…in their buttholes?” because art is in the anus of the beholder. Unfortunately Longo went a step further than just noodling about the idea and began creating them because, apparently, children these days need another reason to go into therapy. Yikes.

And there you have it. The top six toys that make you go “huh?” Thanks so much for joining us today and please be sure to grab a handful of mind bleach on the way out.
 

Something strange happens to the English language when men get married. Like a cute little caterpillar that slowly turns into Mothra, the language you’ve understood for most of your life can take on a different, and often confusing, meaning.

Suddenly a misused word or phrase can have horrible consequences and the next thing you know you’re sleeping on your sister’s couch in Terra Haute, and not the nice part of Terra Haute, or even the good couch. More often than not, your new living arrangements were caused by a few simple verbal misunderstandings. So let’s unlock the language of marriage and translate it into something that everyone can easily understand.
 

Pronoun Problems

Beware the pronoun and its ability to cause problems in even the best of marriages. Typically pronoun problems involve the incorrect use of the word “we” instead of the word “you”. So be sure to use the right pronoun. Your marriage might just depend on it.

What she says: We really need to wash the dog.

What she means: You really need to wash the dog.

What men hear: At some point one of us should really wash the dog.

The Question That Isn’t

The Question That Isn’t often appears to be an actual question which can be the cause of most of the confusion. Upon closer inspection, however, the question being asked is really more of a polite suggestion. You can easily identify these non-questions as they usually start with the phrase “Do you think.” which of course most of us haven’t. If we’d have taken the time to think about it we’d probably already be doing what our spouse was “asking” about in the first place.

What she says: Do you think you’ll be warm enough outside with just a t-shirt?

What she means: Maybe you should put on something warmer like a coat over your t-shirt.

What men hear: That’s an ugly t-shirt. I’ve never liked it and I wish you’d put something over it.

The Call for Help

Whether it’s a call to a plumber to unclog a toilet or to a wildlife rescue service to get a badger out of the closet men view the Call For Help as a judgement on their handiness and overall masculinity. Often however it’s just a call to take care of an unpleasant task and not necessarily an unspoken statement about his ability to…ummm…perform.

What she says: I’m calling someone to fix the toilet.

What she means: I’m calling someone to fix the toilet.

What men hear: You’re incompetent and I’m leaving you for a plumber.

The Observation

The Observation is the flip side of The Question that Isn’t but with similar and devastating effects. The Observation is really meant to be a question but, instead, is usually understood to be a really dull way to start a conversation.

What she says: The grass is getting pretty tall.

What she means: You need to mow the grass before we lose one of the kids in the lawn.

What men hear: The grass is pretty tall.   

The “Not Fine”

“I’m fine” is typically used to answer a question about how a person is doing but requires some careful attention. Was it followed with more words to indicate how really “fine” the person was or simply dropped like a dead rat in response to the question? If it’s just the two words followed by a cold and complete silence then trouble is on the horizon.

What she says: I’m fine.

What she means: I’m super pissed off because you forgot our anniversary.

What men hear: I’m super pissed off at you for not fixing the toilet.

The Trap

In case you missed the heading of this section THIS IS A TRAP. There is no hard and fast correct answer to The Trap because it requires some thoughtful consideration. Best to strap on a parachute and jump out of the nearest window.

What she says: How does this look?

What she means: Let me know how this outfit really looks and don’t just say “you look great.”

What men hear: Tell me I look fantastic in this outfit even if I’m wearing a Chewbacca suit.

Communication is the key to any successful relationship. With just a little forethought and some patience, these pitfalls can be avoided and, instead of heading to Splitsville, the two of you might be headed to Poundtown in no time. Or at least remain in the same zip code.

Welp. It’s all fun and games until that hair-raising shrill background music starts playing. Justin Bryant created these horror film reimaginings for us to laugh and cringe at. Maybe don’t show these to your young kids, though. Chutes and Ladders may never be the same again.

(Affiliate links have been added to all the games for your convenience and so HowToBeADad can make a buck or two. Gotta make that coin, yo.)
 

1) Hungry Hippos

Everything is quiet, a hush of anticipation seems to weigh thick in the air. Then, suddenly, all hell breaks loose as the violent feeding frenzy begins. And that’s just the game, not the movie. The clattering roar sounds like someone threw a bag of ball bearing into a dryer’s spin cycle. Good times!

Shop Hungry Hippos on Amazon

2) Operation

The idea of surgery is scary by itself, but imagine a movie where unqualified and unlicensed contestants compete to try to perform several operations on a conscious person, using an electrified pair of tweezers. Seems pretty durned horror-movie worthy.

Shop Operation on Amazon

3) Chutes and Ladders

This game does a subtle job of preparing kids for the brutal ups and downs in life. However, this film poster ironically says “Choose wisely” as if there were any choice about plummeting down the chutes we often encounter in life.

Shop Chutes and Ladders on Amazon

4) Don’t Wake Daddy

This game is great for people who like the fun and excitement of Russian Roulette without the risk of death. You move on the board and take turns pressing the button to see if dear ol’ sleeping dad jump-scarily sits bolt upright. The cinematic terror of a sleep-deprived abusive father is easy to imagine.

Shop Don’t Wake Daddy on Amazon

5) Candyland

The game Candyland always seemed so bright and cheery. Even when you’re losing you’re surrounded by lollipops and ice cream. But this reimagining looks like Tim Burton was hired to remake Willy Wonka but read The Lord of the Rings on acid during the entire production.

Shop Candyland on Amazon

6) Don’t Break the Ice

The horrifying anticipation of plunging into the freezing death of the deep dark sea will have you on the edge of your seat, but it really needs a giant monster to really round things out in Hollywood.

Shop Don’t Break the Ice on Amazon

7) Uno

It’s not hard to imagine a connection between a game of Uno and demonic murder. When someone drops a +4 on you when you’re holding your last card, blood can boil a bit and the screeching howls can be deafening.

Shop Uno on Amazon

8) Mouse Trap

Like a film in the Saw series, as players, you’re basically assembling the game as if you were constructing a complex, Rube-Goldbergian prison grave for your friends or yourself. Thrilling!

Shop Mousetrap on Amazon

9) Guess Who

The process of elimination gets very dark when the elimination is literal and it involves a swan dive into a meat grinder as the penalty for an incorrect guess.

Shop Guess Who on Amazon

What’s better (or worse) than one dad joke?
A THOUSAND DAD JOKES!!!

The Dad Joke Hall of Shame book has been created to irritate your friends, amuse your coworkers and possibly even drive your spouse mad with desire. Then again maybe not so much that last part. All for only $12.99!

Despite the name, dad jokes are for everyone; young or old, male or female. You don’t even need to have kids to enjoy the Dad Joke Hall of Shame, just an appreciation of the unique genre of dad jokes and a desire to inflict one-line groaners upon an unsuspecting audience.

The book is chock full of the dadliest dad jokes available and covers several topics. Including fashion:

…and diet…

…even culture!

Nine out of ten unaccredited doctors agree that laughter is the best medicine. By purchasing this book you’ll not only be giving yourself and loved ones a chuckle, you’ll be contributing to the health and wellness of society itself.

For only $12.99, that makes it just over a penny per joke! Such a deal!

So be a hero and pre-order Dad Joke Hall of Shame book right now! Your family and friends might even thank you. Or sigh and roll their eyes.

Back in the good old days a parent could shove a pork chop or two in their kids’ winter coat pockets, send them out to play with the local wildlife until suppertime and no one batted an eye. Unfortunately, times have changed and those days have gone the way of lawn jarts and child-sized chainsaws.

Whether you’re a work-at-home parent or a stay-at-homer, it’s tough to keep your kids from dying rather loudly from boredom. But! With just a little imagination and even less effort, you can keep your kids occupied for hours at a time! So what are you waiting for? The only time you’ll waste will be your kids’.
 

Escape!!!

From the time they escape from the womb, all kids are like little Houdinis. First, they’re escaping from their diapers and cribs and the next thing you know they’re unbuckling their seatbelts and trying to get out of a moving car. Instead of hampering your little escape artists, give them something they’re supposed to get out of… like an escape room!

Over the course of an afternoon (or two), your kids will enjoy puzzling over vaguely worded clues as they sleuth their way to freedom. Is the key in the floorboards? An AC vent? Maybe it’s behind the drywall! Maybe the key was within themselves all along. Who knows? After spending hours arguing engaging in a spirited debate about how to find their freedom, they won’t care once they’re out, at which point you’ll have escaped to a different part of the house.

The Quiet Olympics

The Summer and Winter Olympics only happen every four years but the Quiet Olympics can happen whenever you want! Have your kids test the limits of their patience in the Hide and Stay Hidden event. Engage their sleep-anywhere nature in a Long Duration Napping competition. Put your children’s all-around silenceability on display at the Silentcathalon. Whether your kids win the Gold chocolate coin of excellence or the shameful sock full of copper pennies, you’ll become a Champion of peace and quiet.

Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em

Looking for an educational and fun way to keep your kids busy for hours while introducing them to a financially rewarding career? Look no further than the exciting world of high-stakes poker! In addition to learning about risk versus reward, this classic game also introduces your youngsters to important real-world scenarios like crushing debt and overwhelming interest payments. So whether it’s No-Limit Texas Holdem or Five Card Stud —heck, you can even bet on Go Fish—your kids can gamble away the day, their allowance, and maybe even all of their toys in hours of self-guided fun!

Writing Complaints

Kids have an inexhaustible capacity for whining and complaining, so why not put it to good use? Turn their ability to kvetch and snark about everything on God’s green earth to your advantage and have them write their gripes down in the form of a letter!

Are your kids mad at Common Core? Their teacher would love to receive a letter on the subject. Is your little tyke angry because peppermints are so “spicy”? A large candy manufacturer would be happy to provide an apologetic reply to your kid’s passionate letter…maybe. In addition to doing wonders for their writing skills, having your kids crank out a series of gripes will keep them from complaining to you for hours on end!

Trick Shot Champion

It’s hard not to be just a little concerned as you watch your kid blow an hour or two or even five mindlessly flicking away at a fidget spinner. Kids can be easily entertained by some of the most mundane tasks…as long as they’re not useful things like putting their dirty socks in the hamper or flushing a freshly used toilet.

So, try getting them obsessed over the marginally interesting pastimes of bottle flipping, impossible tosses, ninja-star flicking playing cards, and ping pong ball trick shots. They’ll spend hours calculating angles and cross winds as they learn practical lessons in geometry and physics instead of begging you for screen time like Golem whining for his Precious. So set up that bouncetacle course and get those cameras rolling. If it takes off, your kiddo could depressingly become a financially-independent YouTube star overnight!

Data Entry

No one likes watching their children blow countless hours and a few million brain cells in unproductive screen time. So, turn screen time into grind time! Whether they’re mining the Matrix for Bitcoins (if that’s still a thing) or filling out surveys for valuable cash-like prizes, their keyboard-jockeying is just a wifi connection away.

In addition to possibly being more useful than watching unboxing videos, with the chance of making a few bucks, these activities will give your children the skills they need for a dull and soulless life as a corporate drone!

Thunderdome 

Are you tired of breaking up your kids’ constant arguments? Then stop even trying to referee them and have them settle their score on the glorious field, or basement, of combat! Arm those little tykes with a few cardboard tubes, give them a pillow as a shield and let them whack away at each other, preferably in a room as far away from you as possible. As a caring parent, put a pair of underwear stuffed with a t-shirt on their heads for a makeshift helmet for extra protection and hilarity.

Remember, in Thunderdome, two children enter but only one child leaves…to be exiled to the bathroom with a piece of toast for the rest of the evening or something.

So kick back and relax as you watch your little ones duke it out in the basement or train for the Quiet Olympics. Active kids make for happy kids but they also make for even happier, and well-rested, parents.