This is actually a thing for me. I’ve had nightmares. I am not joking. If my wife even mentions the word “gas” my hand will break the sound barrier being held up in a quivering halt gesture, whereupon I will inform her that she is not allowed to continue speaking unless the conversation is about burp or fart gas, but not gas gas! Never gasoline or its “prices.” And by prices I of course mean AAAAUUURHHGHGHH!!!

Hey! You can just squeegee that look off your face right now, okay!!! Unless you’re gritting your teeth along with me, in which case you can set the squeegee down. Sloooowly. I’m already getting myself pretty f##king worked up about this!

I try to warn people, to stop them. From getting me started. I’ll desperately shout, “Don’t get me started! You would not like me if you got me started!” and then I start turning green and my clothes start tearing as my muscles begin bulging… okay maybe it’s more of blushy pink, really, and maybe it’s just a vein in my neck that’s doing the bulging.* And alright, I admit it, I’m the one who’s ripping up my clothes.

* It could be a vein in my forehead, I’ll have to check with my wife which it is. I forget.

Sure it’s possible I may have been seriously over-influenced as a child by the post-apocalyptic Mad Max movies, where gas was like gold. Whatever! The situation is insane pre-apocalyptic! You can all go build a boat out of your judgement and drown! I’M the one who’s gonna have a secret stash of gas if the world collapses and shit gets all sandy and people start dressing like they’re in a speed metal band that raided a sporting goods store! And you know what!?! YOU WILL ALL COME TO ME!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! TO ME! I’LL BE THE ONE THAT KNEW!!! …

Ehem.

I’m gauging from my hyperventilation and profuse sweating that it’s probably best for me to walk away from this conversation at this point.

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Instructional Diagrams Are 0¢ a Gallon
But this may not be the case in a post-apocolyptic situation. So check ‘em out now!
 

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Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
 

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Someone once said, “Learning to do everything is both impossible and highly suggested.”

Oh, wait. That was me. Never mind.

But in the interest of trying new things and doing the impossible, I went to Pixar in advance of the release of “Monsters University” on June 21st. Charged with learning about the animation process behind the film, I knew I was a square peg going into a talented round hole.

That sounded way dirtier than I meant it.

We started early one morning and shotgunned through five classes:

ENGLISH 101: How to Tell a Great Story
Learning about the story process and how to draw a character from Monsters University.

I sat in the very room where story editors hash out script ideas. We learned that when animators and artists get stuck, they just start drawing the person next to them. The result was a cascade of images pinned to the walls of ridiculous versions of animators at Pixar.

SOCIOLOGY 203: The Deconstruction of a Character
Learn about the design of college-age Mike & Sulley, and creation & design of new characters in the film.

How do you make Mike and Sulley look younger for Monsters University? Fatter? Thinner? Shinier? Acne? They figured it out.

ANTHROPOLOGY 152: Monsterizing the World
Learn about creating and “monsterizing” the world of MU.

How different is our world to theirs? Well, every building and feature is monsterized. The edges of architecture have claws and wings. Check it out when you see the movie.

DRAMATIC ARTS: Bringing a Character to Life
Learn how the animation process works, and view an animation demo on a linux machine.

This was insanity. Every conceivable part of a monster is movable and emotive. So, how do they use it to make it look real? They act it out in person for you…

PHYSICS 250: Global Illumination
View a presentation on the use of Global Illumination in MU and The Blue Umbrella.

Imagine you could change the whole world with a click of the mouse. Add golden light to a planet? Easy. Magically shine a flashlight, without one in possession, on someone’s face? Pixar has the tools to do it. I can’t even describe this one.

Interview with Producer, Kori Rae

I had the chance to ask some questions about the film and Pixar’s commitment to storytelling. I was not disappointed.

CHARLIE: Pixar has been so consistent about producing high quality experiences, and emotional experiences, a story-based experience, and the film industry is typically sort of up and down. What would you attribute that to? Is it personnel? Is it a dedication to a specific part of the process that allows you to do something so consistently well??

KORI: I think it’s both. I think it’s personnel. I think we do have incredibly talented people here. John Lassiter kind of brought in Andrew and Pete to begin with, and, and have, has, have continued to bring in really talented people. But I do think it’s also a lot about the process, and the fact that we are willing, the directors and the filmmakers, are willing to put something out, have it torn down completely, go back to the drawing board, put it back up, have it torn down, and that’s the thing you have to be willing to do.

You have to, in my mind, especially with story, you have to be willing to let go. You have to be willing to throw stuff away, and not get too attached to it. And you have to do that over and over again in order to get to the right place. I think it’s the willingness of the directors to do that, and the collaboration, and the fact that it’s done in a collaborative spirit.

CHARLIE: But everybody’s so passionate, and I’m sure at some point they’ll fight for their ideas, and things like that.
KORI: The directors, and the filmmakers have to kind of make those choices when it comes down to that. Because, you have to. It’s really about putting the best thing up on that screen.

Several times, I handed her various versions of my resumé and offered to work there. I could tell they really needed my help. I’m still waiting for their call.

By the end, I knew I wasn’t going to animate something, lacking anything resembling artistic talent. But I knew that the brilliance in Pixar’s animation wasn’t by accident, that the emotional connection we feel with characters made simply of sound and light were the result of dedication to detail.

The monster is in the details.

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Sometimes, you get invited to do things or go places and it reminds you what a different person you have become. How much more cleaned up you are…

Clorox invited me to hang out with them at a truck on a street corner one day. I know that sounds dirty. It was the opposite of dirty. They’re Clorox. They don’t do dirty.

I arrived at Union Square in San Francisco one morning and immediately saw a large truck playing music. It was like an urban circus. The truck had glass walls and surrounding it were activities you could participate in.

But it seemed like a mirage.

The last time I stood in that square I was a wide-eyed teenager with a skateboard and bad hygiene. I was chased by the cops for “defacing property” with my board. But I stood there in the same spot I had as a teen realizing how much time had passed. I didn’t smell that bad. I didn’t have a skateboard. Still a bit of acne and awkwardness.

I wasn’t a child, but had one. How weird is that?

Passersby came and checked out the fun at the truck. There was a word game, and a local radio station had a little wheel people spun to win prizes. They gave away our book (I MEAN WHAT?) and people took pictures with me, even though they had no idea who I was. It was hilarious and surreal.

Thanks to the Clorox team for everything. It was a blast. If I had had a crystal ball as a kid, I don’t think I could’ve predicted I what I did that day, almost 15 years later.

Also, a special shout-out to Mike Adamick and Jen of Our Urban Playground for coming out to visit me at the event. You guys made me feel like I was back at home.

PS: Clorox has a rad contest ending tomorrow, Sunday, that you should enter:

Take a picture of your own decade-themed moments and upload them to Instagram using #clorox100 OR tweet @Clorox using #clorox100. After the 19th, they’ll pick 11 winners who will win amazing decade-themed prizes!

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Disclosure: Like two robots that combine into one super rad giant robot, we joined forces with Clorox to bring you this sponsored message. They paid for my travel and attendance at this event. I told them I’d write this post because San Francisco is my hometown and it was just so surreal to be up there as a personality. Weird, right? I never get hired to do live events. Maybe it’s because of my nudism hobby?

If you think your kid is not a liar and has never lied, then let me be the first to inform you that you have a very, very crafty liar on your hands. Or you may be really dumb. Hey! Don’t be upset, lots and lots of people are dumb these days, bazillions of ‘em actually, and have been all throughout history.

All kids, to one degree or another, are liars. At one time or another always. These are tips about detecting lies, not at all about why kids lie. Really it could be to hide something bad or because they felt like their lips needed a good workout.

Let me outline some of the most common indications that your kid is lying through their teeth. Even if it’s just their first tooth they’re lying through.
 

Eyes

Kids’ eyeballs are gigantic. That little baby head and… those huge eyes! Anyways, the point is a kid’s almost-fully-grown eyes are proportionately bigger in their not-so-fully-grown heads, so they can be the brightest beacons to the truth, or the opposite of it. Windows to the soul. Windows to lies.

Widened eyes, squinty ones, shifty, unblinking or fluttering eyes; whatever your kid’s eye habits are, you can quickly learn what the lie signs are AND NAIL THEM TO THE WALL OF TRUTH! Or talk it out and let it go. Chill out okay, they’re just kids.
 

Body Language

Parents are students of their kid’s body. They have to be, because if the aren’t fast learners, they’ll get an F in the form of bodily fluid stains on furniture and bedding and everywhere. Early on, a kid’s body language can be as strange and freaky as their first pronunciations of spoken language. This can make lie detection a little difficult, but by no means impossible.

They’re saying they’re telling the truth, but they’re also rapidly licking their lips beyond the help of over-the-counter chapstick. Ah ha!

When lying, some kids dance around like they’re hiding a rabid squirrel in their clothes. Maybe they twirl an innocent lock of hair round and round an angelic finger, or they may begin making a banquet of their fingers as they talk with their mouths full of fingernails and lies. They’re all different, but you’ll learn their mannerisms. Or continue the time-honored tradition of being oblivious.
 

Tone & Attitude

Be on the lookout for sudden, inexplicable changes in mood; sulking, anxiousness, snideness or even weird flight-attendant cheerfulness.

If your kid seems to be holding up their hands as if some unseen thing is about to hit them while they’re telling you something, you might want to cross examine the witness. Or maybe you’re getting a bunch of rude questions back, as if you’re now trapped in an endless automated phone system: Press 1 to say why you’re asking. Press 2 to repeat the question again. Press 3 to explain how you could even think such a thing. Press 4 to end this conversation…
 

Flattery & Fawning

When your child starts taking out the trash, cleaning up dirty dishes by way of expert smearing, and making you a gift such as a “sock flattener” constructed out of Legos, you need to determine if they’re carrying out some self-sentenced punishment for something they’re not being honest about. Of course they could simply be being helpful. And they could also be unicorns in miniature human form. Let’s go with statistical likelihoods here though, okay?

That fake smile. Those shining compliments. They can be like the wrapped present you already know from the shape of it, except this box is filled with bullsh*t. It’s fair to say, when a kid follows a statement with five big compliments in a row, possibly repeating some, that you should start digging for a fib.
 

Inconsistencies & Contradictions

Their story doesn’t add up because in the math they’re using, the plus marks are lies. Sometimes it’s really obvious, like, “I was playing outside in the kitchen…” or as subtle as “My teacher never talked to me about it…[blah blah blah]…and she said I didn’t need to give it you.”

Alibis can start to sound as warped and weird as a burrito-induced nightmare and excuses can become like riddles. But don’t sweat it, knowing is half the battle. Unfortunately, getting to the truth is the other much harder half.
 

Speech Pattern

Sometimes it’s really fast. “NowayIhaven’tevenusedthemicrowave.” Or the other way around. “The…last…time…I…used…the…microwave…it…was…like…that…already.” Or it’s a total malfunctioning, redundant mess. “My-I’m not n-no I um d-didn’t.”

It may all be whispered, or your kid may start talking to you as if you were suddenly 100 years old with a horn in your ear. “I’M GOING TO GO OUTSIDE NOW. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. DO WE HAVE A SHOVEL BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO PLAY IN THE DIRT AND NOT BURY ANYTHING OR ANYTHING MICROWAVE SHAPED.”

Basically look out for changes in the way your kid talks. Or uses sign language, if they’re deaf. When it starts to look like heavily-caffeinated Kung Fu, I imagine that’s a good clue to fibbing.
 

Blatant Confession

Every once in a while a kid will actually grow bored of the web-of-deceit weaving and throw up their hands and confess, “Ya got me! I’m full of it. Sorry. What’s my punishment? Let’s just get this over with please.”

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So there you go! I had no intention of this having been helpful, so if it was, I sincerely apologize. Or do I? Maybe I’m LYING!!! … I’ll stop now.

Whether the tales your kid tells are white lies or the darker meat on the steaming roast of dishonesty, remember, honesty can’t be pounded into any personality. They’ll probably learn by example, it’s what they do best. They’re kids.*

Yes, they can actually see fairies so just nod and bob your head when they say so, you suspicious cynical monster!

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Instructional Diagrams Are LIES!
Let’s just call these “imaginative reinterpretations.” The word “lies” has so unimpressively few letters in it.
 

 
For being such a hypochondriac every so often, my wife can sometimes be a real Mombro. Except without the Stallone slur. Thank goodness.

P.S. I did not “stitch her up.”
 

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Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
What do you think you look like when you’re sleeping?
 

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We have been talking about books so much lately that we finally realized: there are an insane amount of great books out there! Not the boring, frumpy kind of books. THE BUTT-KICKING AWESOME KIND! So, we decided to start sharing them with you.

Today’s book is by a gentleman who deserves both praise and a gentle butt-patting.

Meet Mike Adamick. Writer, father and triathlete, Mike has a knack for being an übermegagenius and getting people to agree with that title. An at-home dad who writes for the San Francisco Chronicle, KQED radio and a column on Jezebel.com, Mike has also appeared on MSBNC, NPR and a ton of other outlets. The dude obviously needs more hobbies.

Well, in his infinite wisdom, Mike wrote THE book of crafts for dads for the year 2013 and beyond. Crafts for dads, you say? Damn right. Let’s party.

Dads need to take playtime to the next level and these projects do just that. This is the perfect gift for Father’s Day, you know, besides our book.

I’m not particularly crafty but I have been known to follow directions every once in a while. Adamick lays out projects like:

-Afternoon Crafts
-Weekend Projects
-School Break Projects

I mean where else will you find how-to’s on creating a flying shirt with wings, making your own bows and arrows or making comic book shoes? This book has it all. Dads aren’t the dumb nincompoops we’ve been made out to be. This manual puts dads back in the driver’s seat.

WANNA BUY THIS BOOK NOW? GO HERE!

BUT WAIT, IT GETS EVEN COOLER! We’re doing a live interview with the author using “The Google” right here on the blog with giveaways! And you know how we do with interviews. We don’t believe in normal questions so anything goes.

Live Chat with Mike Adamick!

When: Friday, May 17th, 2013 at 10am-11am PST / 1-2pm EST
Where: Right here, dudes! Come back to this post!
How: To participate, just do whatever we tell you when we tell you on Friday. If you’re on Google plus, go here!
PRIZES: It’s a surprise!

Got questions for Mike? Post them here in the comments. We may read them with credit to you, of course, during the live chat!

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Who wants to get kicked right in the feels? Pucker up…

While I’m not certain everyone would agree that being a friend is the same thing as being a dad, and believe me there is a semantic, overly-worded debate there that will never end — I love the subtlety of the moments in this video. You get the sense of something happening that you can’t quite put your finger on and then BLAMMO you are reduced to a human tear duct from onion-cutting ninjas.

There’s no better sensation in your early life than that of being understood by and conspiratorial with your dad.

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“Thomas da Twain
has a penis!”
-Lucas (2013, 3.5 years old)
 

Mommies have a not-penis (aka bajina). Daddies have a penis (aka a not-jina). And twains ::ehem:: trains apparently do, too?

Listening to a young child explain who’s got what or who doesn’t is pretty much the best reality TV show that will never and probably should never be made. It’s a rare and exquisite kind of hilarity.

We can only draw from this, as I see it, that genders and the opposite sex are a subject that start off complex and only become more so with age.
 

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Previous My Kid Just Said
Fiwemen wescue people. But they can’t save Andy’s heart from his son’s cuteness.

Related My Kid Just Said
Charlie’s son, Finn, is learning about what boys have and what girls have. And it’s precious. Like a gem.

My Kid Just Said Facebook Page
This is where YOU can post YOUR kid’s quotes. Go for it!