Today’s message is a short one.  I have been working as a supervisor for over twenty years.  I have been a mom for almost ten years.  In all this time, I have tried to encourage the people around me by providing lots of feedback, both positive and constructive.  I’d like to think that has been fairly successful over the years.

Yesterday, I came across an article that changed my approach in a wonderful way.

I read Six Words You Should Say Today by Rachel Macy Stafford.  It is worth every second it takes to read.  In it, she describes how children who play sports said the thing they most want to hear from their parents is “I love to watch you play.”  She then details her story of how she put that into play with her own family and the amazing results.

It sounded too good to be true.

After all, I am a mom of kids who are very active in sports.  Right now, my son is playing select baseball and my daughter is involved in gymnastics.  I always cheer them on from the stands.  I make signs with their names and number on them.  I have bags for every sport with their names/ numbers on the bags.  I take pictures, say encouraging things when they are performing and when they are through.  I realize I say too much.  I give too much detail.  ”Great hit in the 3rd inning.”  ”Way to call that catch.”

They smile.

When I really think about it though, they don’t really say anything after the games.

It was time to try the new approach.  My son had a baseball game last night.  I still cheered when he came up to bat, when he got a hit or made a good catch.  My change came after the game.

He game to me all dusty and sweaty in that great way that little boys look and smell after playing.  He tipped his head up as the sunlight streamed under the brim of his ball cap.

“Hi Momma.  We won.”

I paused.

“Hi hon.  You sure did.  You know what?  I love to watch you play.”

Then I stopped.  I did not say anything specific about his performance.  That’s when something amazing happened.  His face relaxed and he grinned up at me.  ”Mommy, I love when you encourage me.”  He hugged me.  Hard.  Really hard.  And then he was running off with his friends.  Smiling.

It was amazing.

I learned that sometimes parents, and even bosses, make giving praise too hard.  We over analyze and think we have to give a million specifics.  We don’t. 

So today, think about this story.  And say those six little words to someone.

I love to watch you play.

How do you define bullying?

When I think of behaviors that are described as bullying today, I think back to my childhood when those same behaviors may have been called “normal” coming-of-age teasing.  I also think that people like me may be desensitized to the level of stress that those behaviors can cause, whether that be in school or in the workplace.  Jennifer Hancock, author of The Bully Vaccine,  is doing great work to bring sensitivity and knowledge of the subject to the masses.

Jennifer defines bullying as:  One person dominating another to get their own way.  It is intentional.

Bullying is a way for the aggressor to dehumanize the other person.  They do this repeatedly and in front of other people so that no one will feel compelled to help them.  With such relentless consistency, the only way to change the bully’s negative behavior is with consistent pro-social behavior.  Variable reinforcement only strengthens the bully’s negative behavior.

How can you stop a bully?

You’ll have to read the book (which is worth it for both kids and adults) to get all the suggestions.  Here are a few that Jenniferdiscussed on the show:

• Remove the reward through passionate non-compliance.  When being bullied or seeing a bully in action, we tend to get angry.  You have to start viewing the bully through a compassionate lens.  Compassion gives the victim the power; not the bully.  
• Create a “norm” in the group or on your team of KEY people using positive behaviors.  The key people are those people in the group that others look up to- regardless of title.

Have you been bullied in the workplace?  Be sure to share your stories in the comments.  AND…..listen to the HR Happy Hour episode here.

HR Happy Hour: The Bully Vaccine

The HRevolution- sponsored by our premier partner, Sum Total- is coming to Las Vegas on October 6, 2013 and you’re invited!

HRevolution is an industry-changing conference in the US for the human resource industry.  It began as a single tweet on Twitter as a way to bring HR professionals, recruiters, CEOs, and other industry leaders together to discuss the current state of human resources and where the industry is headed.

HRevolution has produced five highly successful events and we are excited to bring HRevolution 6 to a whole new level by refining the focus of the event while expanding the reach to increasingly more high-level HR professionals.  The HRevolution team (Ben Eubanks, Steve Boese, Matt Stollak and Trish McFarlane) work hard all year to bring this great event to you!

Why HRevolution?

What is the ingredient that makes HRevolution different from all other events?  It’s YOU.

You will bring your knowledge, your questions, your fears, your ambition, ideas, and all those things that make you unique.  Then, instead of just sitting quietly in your chair as speakers feed information to you, YOU become part of the sessions.

We pull in some of the most talented thought leaders in the space to guide and challenge us.  You take an active role in the session.  It’s all about the dialog and networking.  If you go home having made some life-changing contacts, we’ll view the event as a success!

We’re  different in that we have generous sponsors who cover much of the cost typically paid by the attendees.  With the help of Sum Total and The HR Technology Conference, HRevolution comes to you at the lowest rate of ANY conference out there!

Tickets/ Registration

HR thought leaders and practitioners from around the globe will be converging for 24 hours+ of mind-bending, trend-setting discussions, yet space is limited, so sign up today HERE!!  Early bird pricing for the first 50 registrants will be $120.  General registration is $200.  Where else can you have access to top industry professionals for that low price?  Nowhere!

Partnering with The HR Technology Conference

This year’s event is co-located with our partner, The HR Technology Conference, the premier global tech event of the year.  With their partnership, you will not only have the opportunity to attend HRevolution on October 6th, you’ll also receive one of the largest discounts possible for The HR Technology Conference ($600 off the regular conference rate)!

Accommodations

You have access to use the room block for The HR Technology Conference at the following hotel:

If you have interest in helping to support HRevolution in any capacity, check out the HRevolution site or email me at TrishaM89@gmail.com.  We are looking for greeters, people to man the registration table, and people to help promote the event on social media sites.

Thanks to our partner The HR Technology Conference and premier sponsor, Sum Total, for your generous support.

Now….. go buy that ticket!

There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it.  ~Alfred Hitchcock
When I anticipate something, I am immediately struck by strong feelings. It could be strong positive thoughts when I am anticipating something wonderful, or it could remind me of a time when my anticipation about an event filled me with dread. Either way, the very act of spending time thinking about things in advance and trying to guess how it will all turn out is a universal experience.

Thinking about this from a workplace perspective, I wonder if our employees are spending more time anticipating success and greatness or if they are anticipating doom and gloom. My guess is it’s the latter.
As leaders, we are influential in setting the tone and providing the environment that encourages tighter focus on anticipating successful outcomes so that the anticipatory fear does not drive our team to failure. By virtue of reaching a leadership level, staff place a level of trust in us that we have faced some of these challenges and come out victorious, thus the expectation of our being able to teach and coach them.

3 Techniques to Reduce Fears and Promote Success at Work

1. Recognize the bad habits- This is key because without this step, you cannot begin to help yourself improve your work situation. Notice how you feel when you are heading to work. Do you feel anxious? Would you rather not go? Are you filled with dread when you walk into the company? These are all strong warning indicators that you need to rethink what you’re doing and your approach. You may have more subtle clues like reaction to one person or fear of certain types of projects. Make note so that you can move toward successful resolution.
2. Take charge of organizing and learning- Sometimes anticipating bad outcomes comes when we are overwhelmed. That is made worse when our workspace or work schedule is out of control. Make a conscious choice to add time into your schedule where people cannot book your time. Use only that time to answer email, calls and to work on projects. You can also make sure your workspace is set up so that you can do your best. Get organized. It ultimately helps you prioritize your workload. Next, seek out courses, free webinars, presentations or books on areas you are weak in skill. This will empower you so that you take more control over your future success.
3. Take care of YOU- This is the most important. When you notice your fear associated with anticipating how something will turn out negatively, do something to take your mind off of the situation. Get up and moving. Take a walk, go to a private place (even your car) for 10 minutes of meditation, eat something healthy. Any of these things can help divert negative thoughts and help you visualize how you can have a successful result instead.

We all have fears and that can be good. It can keep us on our toes and also help us realize when we do push through them to success. Don’t let anticipation of bad outcomes paralyze you.

From the dusty archives…

Have you heard the expression you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole?

Well, you can.  You can get creative and smash it in there or fill up the edges with other items.  In other words, you can make it work temporarily.  But, what if you are that square peg?  What does that mean for you?  What does it mean if you are the leader and notice a strong employee not fitting into the department they are part of?

As a human resources professional, I’ve had my share of discussions with employees and leaders about not fitting in.  What we don’t talk enough about is our mutual ability to positively impact retention and how we can avoid the high cost of unnecessary turnover. According  to a study by AARP, “replacing an experienced worker at any age can cost 50 percent or more of the individual’s annual salary in turnover-related costs, with increased costs for jobs requiring specialized skills, advanced training or extensive experience.”  That reason alone should compel organizational leaders to look across the company and determine who the strong players are and how best to collectively retain them.

As leaders:

• Why do we let good employees go just because they are not a fit with one supervisor?
• Why do we let that historical knowledge walk out the door?
• Why don’t we do more to find a fit internally for that individual?

Recognize a square peg

Most articles on leadership and management focus on developing your own team or your skills and ability to manage and lead.  My challenge for you today is to look at another team in the organization and see if you find a square peg.  Is there someone who may be in the wrong role and struggling in fitting in there who would be a shining star in another part of the organization?

As leaders, it’s our duty to work toward what is best for the organization and part of that is ensuring we keep the best employees.  Retaining top people is a group effort and if you know that there is someone your organization is at risk of losing, look deeper.  Reach out. You may just save someone from leaving an organization where they could excel and push things forward.