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I like a real conversation.

I do not like a faux conversation.

I do not like pretend conversations.

I do not like manipulative conversations.

It can be quiet around me.

What Is A Real Conversation, Anyway?

It probably sounds silly and perhaps a little whiney – but what is a real conversation?

It may be easier to talk about what it is not.

I have no trouble with people being pleasant with each other except when it becomes so rigid that real issues and problems cannot be discussed.

A real conversation talks about what is and needs to be.

When I see conversations that are stiffly pleasant, I often think people are talking to what they want life to be like rather than what is.

I don’t want conversations that feel like some sort of weird dream. I prefer a conversation that feels robust and timely. It should be present.

A real conversation is present.

A real conversation doesn’t nee to manipulate.

I have enough going on, I don’t really have the time.

A real conversation does not demand a big acting job on the part of others. There is nothing to gain or lose. There is just the getting on with it.

Real Conversation Is Slow

Real conversation is slow. It starts but does not necessarily end at the same time. I like the kind of conversations that feel like a kind of weaving of information, thoughts and feelings.

The results are not the primary concern, the exchange is.

It makes the conversation less about an agenda or result and more about groundedness.

Conversation can be a way to ground.

A real conversation does not have winners or losers.

A real conversation doesn’t have rules or authority. What is is the authority.

A Real Conversation Is Lighter

A real conversation is lighter because it doesn’t need rules, roles, poses, and agendas.

It is grounded in the present and stays there. There is no place to go. Just a place to be.

It’s also a place here anyone can be. There is no exclusion because we are all here in this present.

So a real conversation can make life easier and more enjoyable.

I also think it makes life more companionable, since there is no competition.

A real conversation is a place for friends.

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Source: Clearly Ambiguous – Flickr

Aliveness!

We all seek it and it is all around us.

As a highly sensitive person, I love just being in the natural aliveness around me.

Aliveness And Its Substitutes

I have a hard time with all the substitutes for aliveness: entertainment, overwork, war.

They jangle my nerves.

I do not like drama all that much – mostly because it does not ring true but also because it seems so escapist.

Drama is often a substitute for living. It is a great way to organize people and harness their energy for some purpose, necessary or not.

When we opt for drama we give up the precious aliveness of space.

I think it is a poor trade.

Drama As Loss

Whenever I am around drama I experience such a sense of loss.

I feel the loss of a precious home. I feel the sullying of perfect silence.

Perhaps I am simply not endowed with an effusive love of busyness because it often seems silly. Some people seem to love it.

I am not interested in false importance.

Perhaps I just miss the joy of space.

Why Do We Need To Get Ahead?

I do not understand all of the getting ahead.

Why?

When you see that we are all part of the universal energy, then what is there to get ahead of? Or perhaps who?

The minute you separate yourself from the universal energy, you essentially are operating from an adversarial mind and not embracing the whole.

Then you are definitely creating drama and missing out on simple joy.

Animals know this. That is why the animal kingdom is sometimes smarter than we are.

There is no one to get ahead of. We are all part of the universe.

I know that that idea is considered naive by some, but it is really dangerous to think otherwise because when we do we are creating the adversity that we do not like.

The human mind can be a blessing or a curse. The more we engage in comparisons the worse off we are, the more adversarial we are and the less we live in the peace of space.

So why get ahead when you can simply be in the luxurious silence of wholeness?

I Love To Just Be

I love to just be, it’s my favorite thing to do.

I have to keep reminding myself not to turn it into an aspiration, though.

Learning to just be is not easy. It has taken many years of meditation to begin to relax. Probably because I am so sensitive.

I have to remind myself that I do not have to fix everything, I do not need to be necessary or essential and then I can relax.

Sometimes I have trouble relaxing because I see so may things that need doing.

Since I am sensitive the things undone can be a source of irritation and make it hard for me to relax.

I keep at it though, because no matter how much I get done nothing makes me happier than just being in the universal silence.

Then I feel I am at home.

Technorati Tags: energy healing, meditation, stress relief

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Fuzzy boundaries?

Boundaries are one of the biggest challenges facing highly sensitive people.

They can be a source of aggravation and unhappiness.

There are many reason why boundary issues are a problem for us, some having to do with us and others having to do with the world.

It would help if we could get a handle on them.

Why Boundary Issues Are Different For Highly Sensitive People

Boundaries are personal and impersonal.

When we stop eating because we are full, we are responding to a natural boundary.

When we are on time for an appointment we are respecting a social boundary.

When we stop our car at a stop sign we are responding to a societal boundary.

Those boundaries are fairly easy to deal with.

Then there are the others.

These are values and identity boundaries that create all sorts of problems.

An identity boundary would be the one on same sex marriage that is being challenged and overturned.

A values boundary would be one about war, or greed. Values boundaries show up in the priorities we set.

Setting boundaries is different for HSPs. Highly sensitive people often have humanitarian and compassionate values that conflict with the world around them. Their physical needs are greater and therefore they will have situational challenges in setting boundaries.

So what can we do about this?

Step 1: Know Yourself And Your Needs As A Highly Sensitive Person

This first step in creating boundaries is to make create some time to consider your needs and ideas.

You need to create a way to confidently handle boundary issues. When you have that map in your mind, you will be able to handle conflict in a way that works for you and hopefully the other person, whether they are highly sensitive or not.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. what are my most cherished and essential values? Being clear about your values helps you identify good choices which is important for HSPs. Values are the core of your boundary strategy and what you most need to honor.
2. what are my most important priorities, including the priorities you have to have because you are highly sensitive? It is easier to respond effectively to others, when you are respecting your most important priorities.
3. what is non-negotiable for me? Non-negotiable items are related to your values or conditions in your life like your health. For highly sensitive people, their need for frequent breaks to manage stress is critical.
4. what can I be flexible about?  This can be a difficult question for HSPs. When we are too flexible we run the risk of wearing ourselves out.
5. how do I typically handle trade-offs? Do they usually work for me or not? There is nothing wrong with making sacrifices, but if they are too frequent they can leave you feeling resentful and burnt out.

When considering how you want to handle boundary issues, think about all aspects of your life and your needs. Then consider your environment to create the most workable solutions for yourself and others.

Step 2: Plan Strategies For Difficult Situations

We all have challenging boundary situations.  When you are highly sensitive you different values can make boundary issues more uncomfortable. However, you can help yourself a lot if you do your homework and some planning. Here are some planning considerations:

1. identify the boundary situations that are most difficult for you.
2. notice when you feel you have no ground to stand on during a conflict. Is it because your values are different? Is it because you feel disrespected? Do you have trouble with someone else’s sense of entitlement?
3. notice when empathy is a problem for you.
4. when you start to feel manipulated? Is it when someone is unhappy? or complaining? Is it when someone makes decisions for you? or has expectations that are never discussed or explicitly agreed to? Does someone take your things without asking? Notice when you are being treated dismissively.
5. when you are uncomfortable taking action? Is it when someone is very sarcastic, dismissive, or contemptuous? Who do you have a hard time challenging?
6. do you have challenging situations that lend themselves to a direct one-on-one approach or perhaps more indirect strategy where you need to have a group on your side to effect change.
7. identify when you need to treat yourself as important as everyone else and may not.

Step 3: Develop Your Strategy

As a general rule, most people want good relatonships as much as you do. Most people are not looking for unnecessary conflicts.

If you respect others and their concerns, they will likely do the same. Therefore when you are willing to listen to the another person, it is common courtesy that do the same, and you are entitled to expect the same in return.

It also helps to be in a constructive frame of mind. When you ask questions of the other person you can then offer suggestions, alternatives or even substitutes for what is being asked of you.

If I were to create a formula for a boundary setting process it would be:

1. establish a positive intent. “I love how my blouse looks on you…”
2. state a concern.  ”That blouse was a gift and is important to me.”
3. ask questions if necessary. “We need to figure out a holiday schedule.  What is your situation and do you have any ideas?”
4. ask for what you need in a way that respects the other person.  ”I like to help when I can but I need for you to ask if you want to borrow my things.”
5. get agreement. ” Does that work for you?”

Successful problem solving is a combination of respect and creativity.  When you combine both, your chances of a positive outcome increase.

Step 4: The Tough Cases For Highly Sensitive People

When you have a difficult or stubborn situation, it can help to come up with way to change the existing dynamic. This can be challenging for highly sensitive people because we are often seeking results that are not the norm.

Here are some possibilities:

1. change the other person’s perception of your value. Most HSPs are devalued so you may need to develop some skill in promoting your interesting ideas.
2. change the social dynamic. Sometime you can ignore someone who is being difficult. I some situations you may ned to insist that someone become more reasonable.You can also use humor to loosen people up when they have dug in their heels. Laughter works wonders.
3. you may need to throw in the towel. Perhaps you have heard the story about the villagers who caught a monkey by putting peanuts inside a coconut shell. The monkey found and grabbed the peanuts in the shell. He wanted to hold onto the peanuts but could not run away from the villagers at the same time. All he had to do was let go and he would have escaped. Sometime letting go is best. It creates space for new ideas to develop and head to cool.

Step 6: The Key To Boundary Happiness

I believe that the key to boundaries and good relationships lies in being in a constructive frame of mind. When the people around feel valued and appreciated, they will be in a positive frame of mind when working with you.

It also helps to have a sense of humor and to be creative.

Highly sensitive people can have a tough time with boundaries. Our empathy can make us too helpful, and stress and fatigue can overtake us easily. We have to take our nature’s in to account but we also can be afraid that we will then be rejected. Sometime we have to stick our toe in the water a little at a time to find arrangements that work for us.

When you are willing to do so, you are not just taking from others, but you are enabling yourself to be at your best which is a way of giving to others. Hopefully thinking that way will make the risk seem worth it.

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Freedom is an important subject.

It is something that we all yearn for and seek in someway.

Freedom is also the subject of idealogical and political mischievousness.

We can easily get bogged down and messed up on this subject.

What Is Freedom?

According to Dictionary, freedom is:

• the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.
• exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
• the power to determine action without restraint.
• political or national independence.
• personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery: a slave who bought his freedom.

Notice how often freedom is presented as freedom from. Only one item on the list the third is freedom to.

Many people think they are the same thing but actually they are not.

Understanding Freedom From

Freedom from, which means freedom from restraint, has been the most sought freedom of the human race.

Slavery has been used for centuries to harness the energy of people to serve the social and economic agendas of ruling classes.

Slavery often became socially sanctioned when people, either individuals or groups, were conveniently labeled as bad or deficient.

Slavery treats people as children to be controlled, contained and used. It has the additional effect of shifting the investment of social and economic resources to some and not others.

It usually prevents social and economic mobility. No one want to be on the short end of oppression.

What Is Freedom To?

Freedom to is the forward looking freedom.

It is the freedom to make our dreams come true. Freedom to is freedom of choice and freedom of expression.

It includes the freedom to invest our time where we think best and the freedom to be fully committed to what we are doing. When we feel free to, we feel whole and alive.

It is a wonderful feeling.

Freedom to is the adult freedom. It puts us in charge of our destinies. It is the freedom being discussed when people talk about life without limits.

Freedom to has some requirements. It demands the investment of time and resources of all kinds into the personal development of an individual.

Important Differences In Freedom From And Freedom To

Freedom from activates in us a desire to escape.

When we are primarily oriented toward freedom from we may develop an escapist way of life.

Although freedom from oppression is wonderful, that freedom does not automatically translate to a life we want to live. That desired life requires skills and effort. Freedom to requires the investment of time, energy and resources but also requires wisdom, patience and determination.

Those necessary personal attributes may not necessarily be apparent when suffering from restriction. Not realizing the personal demands of the freedom to life can lead people to disappointment when freedom does not provide instant rewards.

Social Impact Of Different Freedoms

When some people benefit from the investments to live a life of freedom to, then resentment will naturally occur in those who are not as supported.

However, there is a dark side to these freedoms:

• freedom to can come at the expense of someone else.
• lack of any restraint has negative implications. Being unrestricted can turn into greed.
• freedom purchased on someone else’s back is not freedom but a sophisticated form of oppression.

Resolving The Difference Between The Two Freedoms

Oppression can only exist if some do the work of others. To resolve the difference between the two freedoms we need to:

• acknowledge all the work that needs to be done in order to sustain us
• acknowledge the support that each person needs in order to grow into their best self.

Only when we are totally honest about what we need to live and thrive can we create a cultural life that is fully life affirming for each person.

I think it would be a great idea!

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Many people think the creative process is some sort of magical inspirational event.

Actually the creative process is a wonderful process of engagement.

It can be enormously helpful for sensitives who want more control over their lives.

What Is The Creative Process?

The creative process is simply a process that lets us create something that did not exist before we created it.

If you research the creative process you will find many different answers about what the creative process is and how many steps there are in creating.

Most people believe that the creative process starts with an idea.

Not so fast, according to creativity expert, Robert Fritz, who has written The Path Of Least Resistance and Creating Your Own Life.

Mr. Fritz, a composer and film maker, consults with many organizations on the creative process.

He identifies the start of the creative process as the time when you decide on something that you want to create. You might have an idea for world peace, for instance, but that does not neessarily mean that you want to create world peace.

Once you know what you want, then you have to discover your current situation before you can begin to develop the steps you need to bring what you want into being. If you want to write a symphony and do not know what the scale is, then you have to educate yourself before you can begin. Your skills are an important factor in what you want to create.

So many people who want to create something become bogged down and give up. Often it is because they do not fully engage with their desire and where they are in order to determine how to proceed. Then they bump into limitations that deter them and give up. It is better to embrace the reality of a learning curve and resource limitations so that you can deal with them effectively.

The Creative Process Can Keep You Grounded

When you know what you want to do and where you are at the current moment, then you are always in touch with reality, which gives you more control over your life.

It not only helps you to focus on your next steps but also keeps you out of pie in the sky daydreaming that gets you nowhere and can even cause you to become depressed.

The creative process is a great tool to keepvyou moving forward.

It keeps you focused on where you are and the next step you need to take. one of the beauties of it is that you do not need anyone else’s approval or permission to create whatever you want.

The Special Advantage Of The Creative Process For HSPs

Highly sensitive people often have difficulty maintaining control over their own lives, because they have different priorities from non-HSPs which means that they often have little say over work and social agendas because highly sensitive people are usually outnumbered. Therefore in work and social situations we often get preempted which is very uncomfortable.

However, HSPs are often creative. In embracing the creative process we can start to regain control over our agenda.

The creative process is about setting your own agenda and following it through to completion. When you take back your life using the creative process you start to create freedom for yourself not only by choosing what you want but by becoming so in tune with what is needed to make your goals happen that you start to use that skill in all areas of your life.

You acquire an understanding of what is necessary and what is possible, that no one can take away from you. It helps you in managing not only your time but also your boundaries.

The Creative Process Creates Empowerment

Rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty to make something happen is a wonderful way to grow, learn and get control over your own life. Making something happen provides you with knowledge based on experience. It enables you to notice when the demands and expectations of others are inappropriate. It puts you in charge of what is possible and makes it easier not to be subject to the whims of others.

HSPs have too often found it difficult to protect their boundaries and well-being because their values and priorities are different. However, without enough experience and knowledge, HSPs have no way of defending themselves.

The creative process provides highly sensitive people with a way to their own authority so that they do not have to be subject to the authority of others as much.

It is therefore a wonderful way for the highly sensitive to create a meaningful and healthy life for themselves.

Sounds good, doesn’t it?

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So many defenses.

I feel like my life is often about bumping into defenses of one kind or another.

Dealing with defenses feels like walking through a field of hay.  With each step you meet  a new stalk(defense) that obscures your vision and parts as you walk only to reveal a new defense.

Often the defenses I bump into are the defenses of other people.

I dislike bumping into them because in doing so the relationships changes – often not for the better.

When defenses show themselves, the relationship door usually closes even if only for a moment and we realize we are not welcome.

That happens to highly sensitive people a lot.

Of course, sometime defenses are our own because we get hurt and our healing is not easy.

What Are Defense Mechanisms?

According to Dictionary, a defense mechanism is:

an unconscious process, as denial, that protects an individual from unacceptable or painful ideas or impulses.

Defenses are a way for us to like ourselves in painful circumstances. They are a way for us to make sense of something that does not work for us.

They are a way of taking care of ourselves.

Denial is an important word here because defenses are often meant to protect us from a shock to our systems, and sense of self that we are unable to process and handle.

Defenses Can Create A Healing Space

I respect defenses even if I consider them to be toxic sometimes.

I understand that they have a purpose.

In the case of people who have suffered a serious trauma they can be life saving by creating a space for the healing process. I don’t think anyone should be denied their healing space.

We highly sensitive people are often harmed, sometimes seriously. Our ranks have many who have suffered serious child abuse. We can have defenses as a way of protecting ourselves from further harm.

Often however, we know that our healing takes a lot of time and the world has little patience with our healing needs. So our defenses can protect us from intolerance that only makes our pain greater.

At least that has been my experience.

Sometimes Defenses Do Not Help

Sometimes our defenses may create a healing space for us but not necessarily help us heal. It could be that in spite of ourselves we are reinjuring.

It could be that we have been and are subjected to the wound of prejudice and it does not heal.

It could be that our injuries are so serious and grave that we need a lot of time for healing. Then we need to be kind to ourselves.

It could be that we are in a situation that causes us ongoing pain. Perhaps for some reason we are unable to make a change that will make the situation better.

Sometimes we have to accept the world as it is – with all its faults, let go of it, and make the life we deserve.

What Our Defenses Are Missing

Sometimes our defenses miss a lot.

They can miss our deservingness.

They can miss the generosity we receive.

They can miss our creative gifts.

Sometimes our defenses want something that is not there and will not be. As long as we seek what we are missing we will not have a better life that we can create.

I admit it is hard to let go.

Handling Your Defenses

Defenses deserve to be taken seriously.

We can use them as clues that we are missing something and often not what we think.

We can use them to be good detectives for our well being and the well being of those around us.

We can get that denial out on the table and ask it to help us see what needs to be seen.

We can appreciate ourselves for caring about ourselves and each other.

We can let our defenses lead us to something better, kinder, and more rewarding.

But first we have to open the door and go wading in the field of our pain to hear what it is telling us.

When we do we will be greeted by a breeze of relief, and healing.

Technorati Tags: emotional abuse, energy healing, negativity

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Do you sometimes take the easy way out?

We all do.

Have you ever wondered why that is?

Have you ever wondered what to do about it?

Why Do We Take The Easy Way Out

So here’s the deal.

We humans all like pleasure. There is nothing wrong with that.

When we take the easy way out, it is to feel good.

That’s it.

When we are taking the easy way out, it means that we are usually harming ourselves in order to get the good feeling we are seeking.

The example of someone who has a bad experience and then gets drunk or overeats are classic examples of this.

But taking the easy way out does not necessarily have to be this obvious.

When Feeling Good Is Taking The Easy Way Out

There is nothing wrong with feeling good. There are some important positives to feeling good. One positive is that it can be an indication that we are healthy.

Feeling good can tell us when we are doing good work.

However, feeling good has a downside: we are conditioned to seek pleasure outside of ourselves.

We live in a world of rewards and punishments that engage us even if we do not want them. We have to interact with the world and its existing structure just by being alive.

For highly sensitive people, dealing with the challenge around the rewards and punishments we live with can be daunting because they were not designed for us. One of the observable differences between HSPs and non-HSPs is how HSPs have a more internal locus of control whereas non-HSPs are more apt to seek outside rewards.

This situation makes feeling good and interacting with the cultural rewards structure difficult for HSPs.

When HSPs Take The Easy Way Out

Even if we are not seeking a lot of external rewards, we HSPs may still take the easy way out sometimes. We are human after all, and life is hard.

Some days, we are like everyone else, we just don’t feel like doing what we need to do. Like exercise.

But I think it is a complicated issue for highly sensitive people and a hard issue to navigate socially.

We need more rest and more frequent rest, so we may feel that we are copping out when we are only taking care of ourselves.

We may overextend ourselves in order to do our jobs to pay our bills which may cause us to neglect ourselves because we are exhausted.

It may seem that no matter what we do we feel that we are taking the easy way out somehow.

And we may be perceived that way by others which doesn’t help.

The Conflict Between Survival And Excellence

For highly sensitive people, excellence is more attractive than survival as a motivation. Excellence is less adversarial.

However, the world we live in is more survival oriented.

Many of the rewards and punishments in our culture relate to our survival (real or imagined). They require an aggression that runs contrary to the nature of highly sensitive people. Our gentler natures make it appear that we are abdicating our responsibility to others when we are not.

A survival oriented world often treats people as resources to be used to serve survival. HSPs do not do well in survival schemes. We tend to be slower and more conscientious. War is not our thing and often seems like taking the easy way out anyway.

As a result, not only do we not respond to the external rewards we are surrounded by but we are also unlikely to perform when we need to be highly aggressive rather than highly conscientious.

Coming To Terms With It

We HSPs have to come to terms with our different natures and a cultural system that often will not reward us. The way to do that is to create a way of life that is designed to meet our needs and talents.

We need to take up the challenge of finding work that provides us with satisfaction, enough rest, and enough financial support.

We need to recognize our greater need for health care and make sure that we get what we need.

We need to make sure we are around people who support our well being rather than drag us down.

When we do these these will will have found a way to be in the world that lets us function well so that we do not have to take the easy way out.

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Do you think passion is important?

Do you think that creativity requires passion?

These are important questions because many people think that creativity requires passion and that without passion, creativity is impossible.

Does Passion Help Creativity

Many people think that passion is necessary for creativity to occur.

However, we need to reconsider this idea.

Say you bump into an animal that you have never seen before. In your mind you start to invent stories about what kind of animal you are seeing and why you have not seen it before.

These stories are creations of your mind.

Did you need passion to create them?

Creating, then, is a natural to us as breathing since we are always engaging with and trying to make sense of the world around us.

Is Passion The Same As Motivation?

When you are motivated, does it come from passion?

When you are hungry your motivation to eat comes from necessity.

When you treat someone else well, your motivation can come from love, respect, or if you are dealing with a bully from self preservation.

So motivation can be all over the map. If you tie your creativity to your motivation, you will have trouble creating since your motivation will change and fluctuate.

What Is Passion Anyway!

Passion is most often called a powerful feeling.

The Free Dictionary‘s definition of passion describes 4 basic categories for passion:

I think that we recognize that passion can be a powerful emotion, but there are many powerful emotions. What distinguishes passion is enthusiasm. When we have passion, we feel an enthusiasm for what we are passionate about.

This is another interesting definition of passion from Mapmaker:

Passion is the energy that comes from bringing more of YOU into what you do.

Simply put, it’s being who you are and doing what comes naturally. When what you do is in alignment with who you are, you get energy from doing it. It’s like water flowing along its natural riverbed. It actually gains energy from the path it’s taking (compare that to what most people experience in their work, which is more like trying to force it up and over a mountain).

So passion comes from a sense of connection between ourselves and what we are doing. Passion happens because there is some relationship between us and the work. In fact you could say that passion occurs because the work is us.

Passion And Creativity Are Not The Same

Creativity is not passion. It is a skill.

Passion comes from us. Our enthusiasm for something says something about who we are and what we have to give the world.

Passion is about something that attracts us; creating is about bringing something into existence.

Passion is a love of chocolate, creating is make an unusual chocolate cake.

Passion is a love of roses, creating is making a new hybrid tea rose.

Passion is a love of color, creating is making your own painting.

You Need Both

Passion tells you something about yourself. Creating is something you do as a result of your passion.

I personally think you need both.

It is a good idea to know yourself and where your enthusiasms lie.

It is also a good idea to master the self discipline necessary to create something.

Creativity and passion can reinforce and accentuate each other.

When they do you harness the best of yourself and your skills.

That means you can offer some serious contribution to the world, which is a wonderful way to live.

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Independence and autonomy are cherished goals in many people’s lives.

I am all for standing on one’s own two feet.

However, I notice more and more how autonomy and independence can become distorted.

Is Independence Real?

Here in the US we are all about independence. So much so that we have little in the way of safety nets for the inevitable down side of life.

Independence is virtually a mandate, a matter of character rather than development.

Independence can also have many meanings. It can interpreted as independence from want, the realities of life, aging, mistakes and failures. Independence often suggests an idyllic experience of life, free from pain or any other concern.

Under the character definition of independence. the more pain in your life, the greater your failure.

It is personal, you know.

But it is not a real independence.

None of can escape mistakes, aging, ups and downs that are always a part of life.

Why is it a sign of personal failure if we cannot?

The Failure Of The Independence Model

Independence can become an obsession.

If any dependency is a fault, then revealing that you are not entirely self-contained can be a serious exposure of yourself and to yourself.

In a world where perception has consequences, being perceived as needy or needing can cost you the respect of others.

It is one thing, however, to challenge excessive neediness and the lack of independence underneath it and another to base ideas about independence on false ideas about what it is.

Yes, There Are Limits

Our Western view of independence suggests that limits do not apply to us and that they should not.

I guess limits are for other people.

Perhaps for highly sensitive ones.

The denial of limits has serious consequences that actually limit our independence.

When we deny reality we limit our choices which results in our making decisions that can have ramifications. An easy way to see this is by looking at the example of denying our need for sleep because it is a limitation that we should have to put up with. If we do that enough, we can make serious mistakes, perhaps get into an accident, or become ill from the physical neglect. In essence we have created new limitations because of the ones we denied.

It is a little like kicking the limitation can down the road. Except that often other people are harmed as a result.

The Effect Of Independence On Compassion

When we deny limits and the realities of life, we become less compassionate toward ourselves and others.

We treat reality as a fault, as a mistake, or an imposition.

We treat others in an adversarial manner as encroaching on our independence. It is a very rejecting attitude.

We also deny ourselves and others the necessary care that we need.

Often we end up accumulating serious problems because of the neglect we inflict on ourselves and others.

Without an acknowledgement of limits we cannot really manage our own lives. In effect, we give up real independence for an illusion of independence.

Without the acknowledgement of real limits we cannot have a conversation with anyone that is real.

Without the acknowledgement of limits, we canot really solve a problem. Real problem solving requires that we deal with reality.

What Is Real Independence?

I think real independence is freedom of choice based on reality.

It is the ability to take in all of the facts about present circumstances and take the course of action that makes the best sense to us.

it is the ability to act in our best interests based on real information.

It is the ability to be fully human warts and all.

It is the ability to work toward our goals in a way that provides with the real opportunity to realize them based on reality.

It is the ability to have real conversations, about real issues and work with others in a real way.

Being real is such a wonderful antidote to the “faux” world we live in today, divorced from nature and the reality of life. So much of the time, we are in a prison of illusions about what life “should” be like that we lose all contact with life. Whatever benefit we think our illusory life provides comes at the expense of real satisfaction.

Is it worth it?

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Being useless feels awful.

Being useful feels good does’t it?

It is nice to feel valued and know we are valued. It helps us to feel secure.

It means we are supported to others. It means we are welcome in the world.

Is There A Stigma For Being Useless?

As a highly sensitive person, I suspect that the highly sensitive suffer more from being perceived as useless:

• we need more rest and frequent breaks
• we are not handy for dramas and emergencies since we operate more slowly
• we question a lot of things including others view of what is useful – like I am doing now!

Busyness often seems like much ado about nothing.

The Problem With Being Useful

We live in a very strange time. People are expected to be highly productive. However, in spite of it we are often replaced by machines.

We are filling up the planet with huge amounts of garbage – the residue of our productivity.

We are becoming sicker and sicker from our efforts to survive in a system that makes us obsolete.

Being productive does not mean taking good care of ourselves.

It does not mean developing greater self reliance.

It means participating in the consumption business: supporting it, making it work and reaping rewards from it.

In other words, being dependent on it.

This is one of the observations that highly sensitive people will make about our current system and the idea of being useful: we are really making ourselves dependent.

Busyness Is NOT A Sign Of Intelligence

Busyness has a fatal flaw. It keeps us engaged tactically and removes us from considering the big picture.

As a highly sensitive person, I notice when the big picture and present activities are at odds. In fact, I notice whan anything is at odds. Busyness is what we expect from subordinates, the foot soldiers of modern life, the Hans Brinkers of our increasingly decaying commercial system.

Bustyness does not make us masters of our fate. Just the opposite.

Busyness does not seem like such a great deal.

It is worth asking ourselves why we are doing all this.

Why are we?

Are You Engaged?

Many people think of being busy as the same thing as being engaged.

Often we are made to think that slowing down is a kind of disengagement, even an abandonment of our responsibilities.

But engagement demands a lot of presence. Busyness does not.

So when we are being very busy in many we ways we are increasing our disengagement with life.

We stop asking important questions about what we are doing and why.

Why Being Useless Improves Engagement

When we are being useless we are open to whatever comes our way. Whatever information that needs to shape our perception comes when we are that moment of rest and open to it.

When we are useless, we are open to a different agenda. It could be the voice of our innermost self speaking to us. It could be an awareness of the big picture that shows itself to us.

Nothing can reach us if we are not receptive.

So being useless is a way of being receptive to inputs from any and all sources. When we are receptive, then we engage in a different way, in a more informed way, in a more complete way.

It shows up in our work. We do work that is more on point. we waste less time on that which is irrelevant or unimportant and we know the difference.

We rise to the level of creator and steward which gives us and others a greater experience of satisfaction.

Sensitivity And Being Useless

One of the challenges of being sensitive is that it is hard to fool ourselves.

We know when busyness is hollow, counterproductive or destructive. We can feel it.

However, we need to work and want to work in a way that suits us. Adopting the openness of being useless lets us sidestep busyness for a form of engagement that is rewarding to us.

It is a good idea for each HSP to spend some time each day not just resting but being useless and open to the voice and wisdom of our true selves.

Our receptivity will reward us with greater enjoyment and fulfillment.

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