eskyoo

Ending with Hope

2010-05-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of this year, e-skyoo [askew] was born... with no precise direction or goal. Mainly as a product of my own self-growth over the past three years, I made a decision to reach out to others who may share some of the same experiences and impairments.

I have used this blog to tell my stories, offer encouragement, provide advice and purge my soul at times. So much has occurred in my life over these last few months, and I have divulged much here. I have truly enjoyed connecting to my readers... realizing we have more in common than I ever expected. That discovery has been of great benefit to me in ways that you can not comprehend and I thank you one and all.

I have posted very little in the last couple weeks for several reasons. First I have been busy beyond my capabilities, so instead of just throwing something out there, I held tight to the belief that I would eventually have more time to write. I feel I owe the few loyal readers I have my best work.

Secondly, I have been going through a period of emotional turmoil and stress. I didn’t want to spew the depression I find myself in onto these pages. I would rather offer support and solutions.

Pain also has a way of zapping my creativity, but I know that it will not last forever. I feel selfish for thinking my problems are so big, that my suffering is insurmountable. In truth, when I am honest with myself and get out of my own crazy head, I know that I have tons to be grateful for. My petty crap is nothing in comparison to the hardship and adversity others are presently facing.

The final reason that I have been reluctant to throw myself into my writing has to do with growth... that of my blog and personally. I recently questioned myself as to what the objective of e-skyoo was to be... which direction was it heading? Using your feedback and comments from the last four months as a guide, I have come to understand that I actually might have something to share that can help others. In the right format, I could possibly facilitate change in someone else’s life by sharing my experiences--not just stories or events, but solutions that have worked and are working in my life.

Embarking upon this self-led journey over the last few years, has resulted in incredible growth and ever increasing joy. And as my happiness and fulfillment begins to flourish, I am compelled to share what has worked and what hasn’t. I no longer want to isolate myself or my issues. Keeping secrets was exhausting and lonely. Sharing has brought peace and transformation, as well as unbelievable closeness to others.

Hopefully without sounding pretentious, I think I am becoming a better person... happier, but also less self-absorbed. As the official glass-half-empty-girl, who would have thought that connecting with and helping others would have meaning for me. I certainly never imagined this path. But my journey is just begun.

With that recognized, I had to honestly evaluate e-skyoo... though it has been an amazing experience, I must leave it behind for something new. Initially, I was planning to transfer eskyoo.blogspot.com to eskyoo.com. But if my blog (and life) is to have a more distinct purpose, I realize it isn’t going to be that simple.

This is not an end, but a beginning; my blogging days are not over. I have already began formulating plans for a new blog that will have a more focused direction... but unfortunately there are technical details to be worked out. In order to get through that annoying process (as I am a technology idiot) as quickly as possible, I must put aside writing until I complete development of my new site. Then I can throw myself into writing, with the goal of offering readers the best, most useful articles that I can. I hope you will join me on this journey, discovering new levels of happiness and fulfillment.

I will keep you posted on the progress of my new blog. I also would love to hear from all of you regarding what you have liked most and/or least about e-skyoo. I welcome all feedback, as it will help me immensely in my future endeavors. Please, please, please leave comments here or on Facebook.

Thank you again for being a part of e-skyoo! Your amazing support and encouragement has given me new hope to dream and achieve the unimaginable.

Live. Breathe. It is not fear that we need to live by, but joy, hope. Inside you, in your ocean, maybe it seems barren; maybe it feels as if there is no hope, no kindness, no reason for happiness. But deep within you, undeniably, something rumbles, cries out, wants to be born. Allow the joy to come forward. Allow the hope to exist. -Maharaji

You are what you eat

2010-05-12T02:39:00.000-07:00

As a personal trainer, many of my clients come to me with a goal to lose weight... at this point all of them! Outside of the actual time they spend with me doing a weight training workout (anywhere from one to three 1/2-hour sessions per week) I do everything I can to help them achieve this goal. This includes designing a detailed cardiovascular exercise plan, tracking circumference and body fat measurements and modifying their diet.

Here is the truth about weight loss...Sssshhhh.... My clients don't want to hear this (after signing a long-term personal training contract), and my boss doesn't want me to say this (it might cut into the gym’s profits), but here it is... hope I don’t get fired. At least 70 percent of weight loss is dependent upon what we EAT! Scientific studies support this, as well as my own personal experience. And I tell this to all my clients because it is important for them to know the truth so that they can approach weight loss in a realistic manner.

That is not to say that exercise is not important... it plays an important role in enhancing our overall health, fitness and performance. Exercise improves cardiovascular health, increases bone density, enhances balance and flexibility, decreases risk of injury, provides rehabilitation, increases metabolism, improves strength and changes body appearance.

I personally love to exercise and would never consider life without it. A program combining exercise and diet is considered by doctors to be the best approach. But when it comes to weight loss, the truth is... You are what you eat!

With that said, I want to share what I consider to be my top six nuggets of advice that I regularly suggest to my clients. Most of which are probably not new to you if you have ever been on a quest to lose weight, but I consider these to have the most impact.

Changing your diet to lose weight is fine and dandy, but if that diet is unrealistic or too difficult to maintain, then you will generally end up regaining the pounds. What I suggest is an approach that helps people make healthy maintainable changes for life. And I highly suggest making changes one at a time... once you are used to the first change, then you can apply another. If we lose weight slow and steady (1 to 2 pounds per week which equals 3,500 to 7,000 deficit calories a week or 500 to 1,000 calories per day over the course of a week) it is much more likely to be kept off long-term.

1) Keep a Food Diary: This is the very first thing I ask my clients to do and they hate it, but it works! It doesn’t need to be detailed, so if my client balks at this task, I ask them to keep the diary for only a week or two so I can analyze their intake. After that they are asked to begin to make the changes suggested. If they don’t see results, I ask them to start a new diary.

You can begin by jotting down what, how much and when you eat something in a small notebook. First, this allows you to see what you are truly putting into your body... calories, fat, sugar, etc. It allows you to see patterns and determine what needs to be changed. Secondly, if you have to write it down, you often think twice before putting it your mouth.

There are free online calorie counters available like MyFoodDiary, Calorie Count or My-Calorie-Counter. These sites offer calorie counts for national brand foods and popular restaurant items. They also break down fat, carbohydrate and sugar intake. Additionally, you can record your daily exercise so you can determine your overall deficient or surplus of calories.

Even more convenient are the inexpensive cell phone applications (My-Calorie-Counter Mobile or LIVESTRONG.COM Calorie Tracker for iPhone or iTouch) that do the same thing. The bottom line: Expending more calories than you take in equals weight loss.

2) Eat five to six small meals a day: In our hectic lives it is easy to skip breakfast... grab lunch on the fly... arrive home starving, leading to the consumption of a huge dinner. I recommend three smaller meals and three snacks a day instead.

Never skip breakfast. When we start our day without any fuel, we are sabotaging our natural caloric burn. In order to keep our metabolism high, we must give it fuel. Start out with a protein rich, low fat breakfast like two scrambled egg whites, a piece of whole grain toast and fruit or non-fat yogurt mixed with fresh fruit and a small amount of whole grain cereal.

Here a few healthy snacks ideas:

Handful of nuts and fresh fruit
Unsweetened/unsalted trail mix
Cottage cheese - with fresh fruit or whole grain crackers
Fresh raw veggies or fruit
Apple with 2 tablespoons peanut butter
Cup of low-fat soup
Turkey or chicken lunchmeat, low-fat cheese and whole grain crackers.
Small spinach or Romaine salad (light on the dressing and croutons)
Whole grain pretzels
Low-fat microwave popcorn
Edamame
Beef jerky

Watch your portions and read labels, minimizing fat and sugar intake. The key is fueling your body all day, so that you can maintain a higher, healthier metabolism, which also makes it less likely that you will over eat or make an unhealthy food choice because you are famished.

3) Water, Water, Water: Most of us (yes... I am guilty too) do not drink enough water. The rule of thumb is eight 8-ounce glasses per day... just not all at once. More is necessary if you sweat a lot due to exercise or heat. The Mayo Clinic recommends “...if you drink enough fluid so that you rarely feel thirsty and produce 1.5 liters (6.3 cups) or more of colorless or slightly yellow urine a day, your fluid intake is probably adequate.”

Water helps with weight loss by flushing out the by-products of fat breakdown. Drinking a tall glass of ice cold water before meals increases our feeling of satiation or fullness, while increasing our caloric burn as our body works to warm up the water. In addition to the weight loss benefits, maintaining adequate water consumption relieves fatigue, reduces muscles cramps and headaches, helps with digestion and constipation, improves skin appearance and health, and reduces risk of cancer.

4) Replace with Fruits/Veggies and Lean Protein: What I find with most of my clients is that they are not eating enough of the good stuff. I recommend cutting out certain things... chips, doughnuts, burgers and fries and replacing them with fresh fruits and vegetables and lean protein. Now there are fruits and vegetables that contain more sugar or fat than others, but I try not to be a stickler on any of them. I recommend eight servings daily from a variety of sources with dark green, red, orange or yellow being the best choices. Fresh or frozen are usually the best nutritionally, avoiding canned or fried, though canned tomatoes are an exception.

The best lean protein sources include chicken or turkey breast, fish filets or shell fish, lean beef (top round), canned tuna (in water), egg whites, non-fat cottage cheese, soy (beans and tofu), and dried or canned beans or lentils.

Vegetables and fruits are generally low in calories, replacing high calorie foods with lower calories ones is the first step to weigh loss. Fruits and vegetables are high in fiber so they make us feel fuller than low fiber foods. In addition, the body expends more calories breaking down and converting fruits and vegetables to energy than it does on foods like fries or chips which get converted much quicker.

5) Replace with Whole Grains: This is one of the most difficult changes for my clients to make, which is why I recommend one change at a time. Eating whole grain bread isn’t too much of a stretch, but replacing pasta with whole wheat pasta or white for brown rice usually gets resistance. But these changes one at a time will contribute to weight loss and increased health over your lifetime. Whole grains, like vegetables, are high in fiber, so they quench hunger with less food, while demanding increased caloric expenditure to break down within the body.

6) Trim Sugar/Fat: Now notice that I didn’t write ‘cut’ sugar and fat, just trim back. I don’t think it is wise or necessary to remove all sugar and fat from our diets. We need to cheat once in a while, so that we don’t feel like we are being denied the total enjoyment of eating.

But take a look at this...a Small Whopper with Cheese/Coke Value Meal from Burger King has 1270 calories, 65g of fat, 67g of sugar and a Caramel Frappuccino with whipped cream from Starbucks has 490 calories, 16g of fat, 77g of sugar. Often times we aren’t even aware of how many calories we are consuming. Most restaurants have nutritional information available online... so look it up, ignorance is not bliss. As a rule, avoiding fast foods, fried foods, whole fat dairy products and surgery snacks will greatly reduce caloric intake. But if you just have to cheat, don’t blow your whole week. Cheat in small ways and restrict it to once a week.

Remember, I am not a doctor (like you ever thought I was...LOL) but these are my suggestions that have worked for myself and my clients who have chosen to use them. When you make changes, apply one change at a time. Find a weigh loss goal that is healthy for your body size that is attainable and sustainable, and take it slow. Anything too extreme most often results in failure.

30 Things Motherhood Taught Me

2010-05-09T09:56:00.001-07:00

When I look back over the years... 12 years... there are countless things I learned as a mother, things that I never would have known had it not been for my three beautiful children—Hannah, Sara and Max. Though most of the lessons were wonderful and amazing, some were not easy or pleasant or, even valuable, as far as I can tell up to this point... but they are an inseparable part of me. They have helped shape me into who I am today. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I learned...

... the names of all four Teletubbies--Dipsy, Tinky-Winky, Lala and Po
... holding my new born baby could be thrilling and terrifying in the same moment
... my children would repeat every ‘bad word’ I said at the worst possible moments
... washable paint doesn’t mean the same as wash-off-able or wash-out-able
... I can’t compare number two to number one; they are totally different beings
... number three was a blessing, never an oops
... doughnuts are a great bribery tool
... boys may never learn to lift the lid
... all my children had to color on the walls or in a book at least once, some more than once
... that to avoid a toddler who is utterly crestfallen, crushed, disappointed and defeated and who blames me for it all, I should have taken roses to the Wiggles concert... why did no one tell me these things
... not to EVER place a bouncy seat on an elevated surface as clearly and boldly printed on the warning label... sorry Love
... it’s ok to let her wear her Sleeping Beauty ‘dress-up’ shoes and Minnie Mouse dress to the store
... even at seven he wants his mother to scoop him up and sooth him when he gets hurt at a baseball game
... to ALWAYS bring snacks whenever, wherever I go with my kiddos
... letting a baby cry themselves to sleep is gut wrenching
... bathtub crayons are an impossible nightmare to clean off of white grout
... it is OK to use the TV babysitter
... my girls couldn’t be kept away from pink, sparkly, frilly stuff no matter how hard I resisted
... the time between her first day of kindergarten and her first day of junior high was so short
... parenting by volume is difficult to avoid at times
... Biter Biscuits are soooooo messy and that I should send what was left of the box to the babysitter’s house
... not to let my child stand up in the basket part of the shopping cart, as clearly and boldly printed on the warning label... sorry again Love

... all my children had to try cutting their own hair, some more than once
... Goodnight Moon can take 30 minutes to read
... nursemaid’s elbow (partial dislocation of the elbow) can easily and quickly be fixed at home and doesn’t necessitate a 20-minute drive to the emergency room while my child issues forth endless waves of blood-curdling screams
... meandering walks lead by a two-year-old are some of my most cherished memories
... a juice filled sippy cup left in a hot car creates a huge leaky, oozing, sticky mess
... the sound of my children’s laughter and giggles is the best therapy
... the laundry is never, and I mean NEVER done
... my children love me and forgive me even when I make mistakes, even really big huge ones

I am sure it goes without saying, this is by no means a complete and exhaustive list of what motherhood has taught me. And I know without a doubt I still have many lessons yet to learn...both joyously and painfully. I am grateful for my three little chicklets and the lessons learned, making me a better me.

I'd love to hear what motherhood (or fatherhood) has taught you?

Happy Mother’s Day

Here and Now

2010-05-07T03:20:00.000-07:00

It is said that if we practice being present in the moment, we can have clarity, focus and peace. But I will be the first to admit that I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen or how things will work out. I also tend to relive events of the past in my twisted mind which were painful or I wish I had done differently.

Finances, health concerns, relationships, regrets... so much of which is out of our control... the future is not written and the past can not be undone. When I focus undue energy on the past or future, usually because of fear or anxiety, I only manage to torture myself with the awful possibilities... creating imagined realities that may never come to pass.

Concentrating on the past, wishing it were different, serves no purpose. I can not divorce myself from the past, but instead of regret, I need to learn from my mistakes or choices and then let go of the negative emotions I associate with these memories.

Now this is certainly easier said than done... I am a perfect example. But I know it is possible... at least I know that I can be present if I remind myself to do so. And sometimes I have to remind myself over and over. Is it possible to always be present? I doubt it, but when lack of presence causes anger, fear, anxiety, worry and inaction, well I know I need to try something different.

There are times when my mind wanders, and I just can’t seem to help it. But there is no failure in this... I just need to call myself back, and back again, and back again if necessary. As often as it is necessary. When I am going through a trying time in my life, it seems I have to remind myself almost every other second.

But I have found that the more I practice living in the moment, it becomes easier. And unbelievably (for my brain loves to dwell on the crap) there are times it comes naturally, unforced.

Besides, when I am present, I am happier... the people around me who I inadvertently effect are happier. I also find that I am able to do my best work... accomplishing more with fewer mistakes, tapping into greater creativity. I tend to learn and remember better, while experiencing increased enjoyment and fulfillment. I actually hear what is said to me... see what is in front of me... perceive what is here and now.

But how do we get out of our heads and into the here and now? For starters... practice, practice, practice. For a mental case like me that means diligently monitoring and redirecting my irrational thoughts. Here are some of the tricks I use...

It's in the details: If we focus on what is around us and get out of our heads we can deter or redirect our thought patterns. Look closely at the leaves on a tree in your backyard, the pattern in the ceiling tiles above us, the sound of distant giggles, the smell of rain in the air. When we engage our senses we perceive what we often pass unnoticed. As we concentrate the unconstructive recordings in our brain are muted.

Body over mind: Focusing on what is occurring with in our own bodies can offer a host of distractions... the rhythm of our breath, the growl in our stomach, the pressure of our closed lips, the drum of our heart. We can bring about calmness in our brains and bodies by concentrating within.

Work hard, play harder: From exercising or sewing to mowing the lawn or balancing a budget... be it choice or necessity, when we engage ourselves fervently on the task at hand, we can divert our focus and attention away from obsessive thoughts. For me this means channeling my energy into an activity that is both physically challenging and mentally engaging with an element of risk, like trail running or rock climbing. Plain and simple, stay busy!

Be still: Sometimes all the activity in the world can not distract us from pain or worry. Quieting our mind or body seems impossible at best. Directed meditation can often lead to inner tranquility if practiced regularly. Initially, it is important to choose a quiet setting where we will be uninterrupted. Adding soothing music or nature sounds, using a directed meditation recording or visualization can aid in the process.

Give it to God: Prayer has the ability to quite our minds, whether on our knees in the morning before starting our day or driving home from work. If we direct our prayers away from that which plagues us by praying for others or giving thanks, we may find respite. I have also repeated the Serenity Prayer or the simple request... “God please remove these obsessive thoughts” to push away what troubles me.

Yuck it up: Laughter is a supreme stress-reducer that brings our brain front and center. Studies show that a good guffaw relaxes tense muscles, provides increased oxygen to the brain, lowers blood pressure and boosts natural endorphins. Try smiling, renting your favorite comedy, joking with friends, watching your children play or laughing at yourself.

Get chummy: For me the very best way to shut down my anxiety and get back to the present is to talk to a friend. I spew out my garbage and am refilled with solutions and encouragement that reassures me that these feelings won’t last forever. Furthermore, when I listen--actively listen--to someone else's problems, I can’t really be thinking about mine.

Plan to make a plan: Certainly there are things that bother us that we can take action to alleviate or lessen the associated anxiety. Maybe we worry we won’t have enough money to retire, but worry alone will not take this problem away... so we need to make a plan to save money. If we are not presently in a position to save, then we can make a plan to make a plan. If we a set date to revisit this issue in the future, then in theory, we can stop fretting about it for now. Focusing on a solution versus the problem lessens our stress.

Give thanks: Listing--on paper or in our minds--what we are grateful for has the incredible power to change our mood and remind us that no matter how bad we think things are, we have much to be thankful for.

Have a good cry: When we are down and out and just stuck in our own despair, we may just need a full-on body-shaking weep. Crying is one of the ways that our bodies uses to rid itself of toxins and excessive stress hormones. Pop in one of the Top Tear-Jerkers like Ghost or Where the Red Fern Grows, or better yet try reading some of the depressing tales at Your Sad Story... and let it all out.

Personally I do a lot of writing which seems to take me away from my thought loops. I also attempt to do long division in my head... like 4,583 divided by 876... this takes extreme concentration on my part, because I totally suck at math. If all else fails, I have to really get real with myself about the pointless, pathetic waste of time and energy I am investing in my misery... and just get over it.

Fear and regret can rule our lives if we allow it. Living in the moment has the power to loosen this strangle hold. We should remember the joy and lessons of the past, plan and hope for the future, but in order to enjoy life, to be at peace, we must live in the present. If you ain’t here, you ain’t nowhere.

Lifted by Friendship

2010-05-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

It feels like forever since I have had the time to sit down and write... out-of-control busy... lots of stuff going on in my life, good and bad. Not so much bad as sad and difficult and uncertain and scary. I am sure this sounds familiar to everyone. I am not unique, but it is easy to start feeling like my world is crumbling and that it will never get better. You know, wallowing in my own self-pity. I am a master at this...

Thank God I have so many good friends... I had a couple things take place this afternoon that caused me a lot of anguish, but I got right on the phone, calling, texting, spewing, crying, ranting... and believe it or not I feel so much better than I did. A weight has been lifted...

Now for me this hasn't always been easy... to reach out and ask for help or just unload the things that are going on in my life. I would go through stuff and just hold it in and before long I was downright miserable. The fear, pain and hopelessness growing the longer I kept it bottled up.

Within a two-hour span this afternoon, I cut ties with a close friend (sad but necessary) then I followed it up with a screaming match with my soon-to-be-ex-husband (who I am sure unwittingly caught the jagged edges of my mood.)

Oh the joy, joy joy. I wanted to blubber, curse, crumble and rage all at once, and I did a little of all, but I also reached out to people in my life that really care about me and my well-being. Some offered advice, others adages, while a couple just listened.

Now I don’t want you to think that every time something goes wrong in my life, I have to announce it to the world. But when one hurt stacks itself atop another in my life, I am finally realizing that it’s not always emotionally healthy or bright for me to attempt to handle it on my own. When I rely solely upon myself, thinking I know the answers... I tend to screw things up to a far greater degree. Consensus and reassurance are essential to avoid further blundering on my part.

When I reach out, I get to vent, oh yes, which is sometimes necessary in order to purge some of my negative emotions. I get comfort and compassion... a shoulder to cry on. I also get to hear the truth (if I choose to listen) about my part in the drama from people who love me enough to be rigorously honest.

Too often we don’t want to admit to others the problems we suffer. We tuck them away and agonize in private. We don’t wish to appear weak or needy. We like to pretend that everything is hunky dory... that we've got it all together, no problems, no worries.

We also wrongly assume that people don’t want to hear our woes. Now if you whine and complain all the time about every little detail of your poor sad life... well they might not. But when we are in true distress, those who love us want to help in anyway they can.

Friends make our lives better in ways that we don’t even realize. Studies show that having friends helps fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging and prolong life.

In 2006, a study of nearly 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that women without close friends were four times as likely to die from the disease as women with 10 or more friends. And notably, proximity and the amount of contact with a friend wasn’t associated with survival. Just having friends was protective... having a spouse wasn’t associated with survival.

Having friends has a strong psychological effect upon us as well. A group of students wearing weighted backpacks was lead to the base of a steep hill and asked to guess it’s steepness. Some of the individuals had friends with them, while the rest were alone. The people who had friends at their side actually gave lower estimates of the hill’s steepness!

Personally, I will never return to going it alone. I love and value my friends and I am not afraid to admit that I need my friends... each and every one of them! They offer me (as I hope I offer them) honesty, perspective, advice, knowledge, encouragement, strength, hope, companionship, loyalty, support, condolence, joy, laughter, love. I am beyond grateful.

References:

Parker-Pope, Tara. "What Are Friends For? A Longer Life" The New York Times (online). 20 April 2009. 5 May 2010. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html?_r=1

Schnall, Simone, Harber, Kent D., Stefanucci, Jeanine K., Proffitt, Dennis R. “Social support and the perception of geographical slant.” Journal of Experimental Pschology. 11 May 2008. 5 May 2010. http://www.psy.plymouth.ac.uk/research/ece/publications/pdf/Social-Support-and-Slant.pdf

Thank God Music Teachers Can't Spell

2010-04-29T03:31:00.000-07:00

Ok... so I didn't get home until midnight... late meeting... then I still have to make two Teacher Appreciation door signs that need to be hung tomorrow... I guess that would be today, this afternoon. But of course I had to mess around on Facebook for an hour first.

I already knew what I was going to put on each sign, had all my letters cut out... from the school's handy dandy die cut thingamajig. For my children’s music teacher, I used a Cole Porter song, You're the Top as a theme. Printed out a bunch of hats, including a top hat, glued them all on, and viola, the first one is done.

That was the easiest teacher appreciation sign I have ever made. No hot glue necessary this year or stuffed animals or moving parts. Kept it simple. I should have knocked on wood...

So I am assembling the second one for our PE teacher... laying it all out and then I realize I am missing an E and oh yeah by the way it is 3:00 AM. Time for bed... way past. I can glue it together tomorrow.... but first I have to put it all away, because my insanely smart mutts will be all over it in the morning if I don't.

All cleaned up, scarps recycled, glue put away, scissors stored... admiring my work on the first sign. And well here is a reality, my brain doesn't work on next-to-no-sleep and that is what I am going on this week which is a carry over from the previous week and the week before that.

By this time in the morning, I begin to feel drunk even though I haven't had a drop. My speech seems slurred, my reactions slow, and come 6:45 there will be hell to pay... I will be a total crab ass through the entire morning routine... guaranteed.

So back to admiring my handy work... when I see it... look close. Really?!?! Did I actually mix up the letters?!?! Yes I did....

So tired.... I go to bed now.... rip it off and re-glue it in the morning... Doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t think music teachers can spell... they just sing... right? You know I'm kidding. Oh and please don't ask me why I had to blog right now... my brane if vary fuzzzy...

A Life with Purpose

2010-04-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

Today I experienced one of those weeeeeoooooooo right-time-right-place moments... Some may call it fortuitous, happy accident, serendipitous, dumb luck, random chance, good fortune, coincidence. But I don’t believe in luck or coincidence. I believe that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment.

Each moment of our lives is important, to be treasured... we will never get it back. The weeeeeoooooooo moment I refer to from today made my heart race and stirred something inside of me deeply. I know without a doubt that God lead me there so that I could help someone in great need.

By great I don’t mean that I pulled anyone from a burning building or such... just every day life stuff. But stuff I know about personally that can profoundly influence our happiness if we don’t eventually deal with it.

Now the details are not necessary, I am not a hero... I just had the tools that someone else desperately needed. I had an answer to their burning question. Through my experience I could offer hope. I cannot know the future, but I was able to help them see what they could do today... where they could go from here... how to perhaps begin anew.

And that was no accident. I felt God’s presence with me in a way that I haven’t felt in many many years. Although He has always been with me, I went through a period in my life when I chose not to see, not to feel, not to believe. Today, in a brief moment, I felt the power of my faith ... flowing from me to another.

Now will this person’s life be changed forever? I am not that powerful or full of myself. I only gave them a thought, a direction, a possibility. The rest will be up to them. But being able to help someone else and give them hope, that was the real miracle for ME... Not what may or may not happen in the future... for this I can not control.

Striving to help others, abandoning my pursuit of things, letting go of my selfish behaviors... Service. Could service be the purpose of my life, my course to follow? This was certainly the path shown to me today.

No matter where you are, no matter when... you are where you are supposed to be. Every thought and action we have has the power to effect someone else. What will you choose to do with that power?

"Your time on this earth is a gift to be used wisely. Don't squander your words or your thoughts. Consider that even the simplest actions you take for your lives matter beyond measure...and they matter forever." Andy Andrews, The Noticer

A Hoppy Ending

2010-04-26T01:31:00.000-07:00

As an individual full of faults, flaws and shortcomings, in the past I have often done the same (not so smart) thing over and over, getting the same results without realizing the pattern. And even when I identify and accept a behavior defect about myself that is none too flattering, I find I am still prone to repeating it. When I sidestep a fear or weakness, it tends to sidle back in and bite me.

I was recently smacked in the face with one such unpleasant penchant of mine. I don’t like to admit out loud to anyone that I suffer from this affliction... but since my marriage is dissolving, I must begrudgingly concede that it is high time I address this tendency.

I am a Hopper. I am sure you are wondering what the heck is a hopper? It doesn’t identify someone who is good at hopscotch or a hop-picking machine or a green leaf-eating insect. It is a little pet name adopted by myself and a fellow hopper.

It means I hop from one relationship with a man to another. As soon as I am done with one, I move almost immediately on to the next... no downtime, sometimes they even overlap. During my entire adult life, I have never been alone... except for one brief period of a few months when I was miserably lonely and constantly on the look out for someone to fill my void.

Until recently I had classified my being a hopper as nothing more than a genetic idiosyncrasy, but not necessarily detrimental. I now realize my habitual behavior borders on unhealthy and destructive. OK... it more than borders, IT IS unhealthy and destructive.

Even when I thought I had got lucky and hopped into a healthy relationship, eventually I was faced with the truth of yet another unhappy end. Not because the men I chose were always terrible human beings, but because they weren’t necessarily right for me and I never took the time to determine this between hops.

Moreover, if I happened to be in a bad spot in my life when I hopped (which is generally the case for me... no relationship = despair) well it doesn’t matter who I hopped to saint or psycho. If God had put the perfect man in front of me, I would have screwed it up, because I was screwed up.

In all honesty I am still fairly screwed up. I am just now learning how to love myself without someone else feeding my ego... telling me I am wonderful or smart or beautiful. Till now I had never been outside of a relationship without being depressed and lonely... and day to day I still get down about my single situation.

In my past relationships, I most often played the subservient role, dependent and acquiescent. But I have also taken a turn at being domineering and controlling. Because I hop so quickly, I often choose individuals who don’t share many of my values and interests. Additionally, I find myself altering my persona simply to please my partner or believing falsely that I can change them.

Sadly, I have preferred an unsatisfying and unhealthy existence, over being alone for all too long. And in my present state, I would very nearly forgo my isolation to any other form of havoc that a relationship could provide. But for the first time in my life, I am given pause for three very important reasons, my children. Without a doubt my suffering will be theirs if I do not think before I hop.

I know my hopping stems from fear and low self-esteem. For many years, I held the false belief that I was less capable or valuable than others. For me and many who suffer from esteem issues, it is a remnant of childhood experiences, such as abandonment, abuse, feeling unloved or being criticized.

When low self-esteem rules our lives, we focus on our faults and consider our ideas unworthy, while failing to trust our own abilities. It becomes a vicious cycle, manifesting into further self-defeating negativity. I could only escape this self-defeat through the praise of another person.

And without intending to sling mud at the men of my past, I know that like attracts like. What I attracted in the past, is a reflection of where I was at that time in my life. If I was weak in my convictions, vague with my principles, uncertain upon my beliefs, or indecisive of my path, I ended up with someone who shared my insecurities or willing bulldozed over my shaky identity. Love can truly be blind.

So how do I make sure that I don’t hop again? That I avoid a relationship that doesn’t respect who I am? That I attract a partnership based on love, fairness and unselfishness? That I seek a relationship that doesn't dominate (or give into) what is important to me?

I believe a healthy, mature, loving relationship should be with someone who respects us and loves us for who we are, not what we can do for them. The beliefs and interests of both individuals should coalesce. Their differences should present an opportunity for new experience and knowledge, not define a completely new way of life for one person to blend into.

Over the last couple of years, my self-esteem has grown tremendously, but I have far to go. I have gained genuine perspective and optimism through counseling, exercise, reading, writing, medication and volunteer service. By practicing rigorous honesty, meditation and the principles of a 12-step program, I find it possible to live in the present with hope and joy. I will continue working diligently everyday to be positive and surround myself with others who share my beliefs. Most profoundly, I have recaptured my spirituality and reconnected with my God.

And with utmost trepidation, I faced my fears of rejection by admitting honestly to others who I am. From my ADD to my alcoholism, I have let go of what I feared the most would isolate me. Instead of being judged or rebuffed as I had worried, I have been shown kindness, acceptance and love. I have been given thanks for sharing what others dreaded to reveal of themselves and for helping them realize that they are normal... just like all the rest of us, full of faults, flaws and shortcomings.

So where do I go from here... I’m going to keep doing what I am doing... keep doing the next right thing. What I will NOT do is get involved in anything beyond friendship for the next year. I will put my children and their emotional well-being first and foremost, above my own. And I will try to remember even though there is always room for improvement within myself, my thoughts and actions have value and importance.

Eventually I hope to genuinely know and love myself. Only at that point can I attract a healthy, loving relationship based upon unselfishness and mutual respect, remember like attracts like. Only then will I gratefully be a hopper no more.

Girl Power!

2010-04-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

Did you know a female fetus develops ovaries around eight weeks gestation which contain nearly seven million eggs?!?!?! By the time a baby girl is born this number is reduced to one million and by puberty only about 400 eggs remain. Now that alone demonstrates to me a higher power... my very existence was certainly chosen if I could beat those odds!

But I also ponder the physic-spiritual-chemical-body-soul-universe link that women have with their children, especially girls... as our daughter’s carry on this link to the next generation. OK... I’ll speak clearly or at least try...

Shortly after my mother was conceived (eight weeks or so) the ONE egg which was to become 50 percent of MY own unique genetic code was there within her. This ONE egg (half of me) was carried with her for over 20 years, undergoing and experiencing the changes of her body’s internal environment.

When she had feelings of joy and sadness, anger and peace, stress, fatigue and restfulness... her body reacted chemically with each. When she learned to walk, talk, do algebra, drive a car, again there were chemical reactions occurring in her brain that developed new neural links. But the things she learned also influenced her feelings and actions, which effected her entire being. When she ate nutritiously as a small child, chose potato chips for dinner as an adolescent, or got drunk for the first time... the whole of her mind and body were effected... often in undetectable ways.

All that was her was shared with me, her hopes, her dreams, her loves, her disappointments, her fears. I was with her when she took her first tumble on wobbly toddler legs. I was there when she said her first prayer to God asking him to watch over her. I was there when her first crush flushed her cheeks. And I was there through the anguish of losing her first child to a miscarriage.

Though I have no cognizant memory of these things, perhaps I share a faint impression of my mother's insights, a share consciousness. All our actions and reactions (even our untamed thoughts) have an effect on our whole. Big or small, there is an ongoing and inseparable connection of the mind and body. Such as when I am stressed or low on energy... I chose to eat more chocolate.... LOTS more chocolate. And then pretty soon my face is covered with lovely reminders of my indulgence. Will I never outgrow zits?!?!?

Think about when we fall in love... yes our brain obsesses about that certain someone both morning and night, but we often lose our appetite, our heart beats faster at the mention of this special person’s name, our palms grow sweaty in their presence and our stomach hurts if our affections are not returned.

My point is that a part of me was with my mother, experiencing her life, until I was born... And remember the first nine months of my existence, while my mother was pregnant with me, I had already developed the eggs that would become my children. The eggs that would become my daughters were carried with me for over 30 years. And when my daughters were conceived, they began to carry (and influence, sustain, nourish, impress, affect, touch, impact, protect, love) what will someday become their children, their daughters. The girls of the future, the mothers to come.

Though the implications are difficult for me to sometimes wrap my black & white brain around, I do believe as we carry our children, our daughters, we give them a part of ourselves through our experience without ever saying a word. And it reminds me of the important influence we have in our children’s lives, and the even greater responsibility.

By the way, my little sister Jen just found out she is having a girl! Her four-year old daughter (my niece Ada) literally prayed that this baby would be a sister. Now that’s true Girl Power!

Wandering from Home - Part 2

2010-04-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we begin a journey expecting an outcome so different than what we actually experience. Part of this gap can be accounted for through a lack of preparation (guilty) or chalked up to the fact that it is a totally novel adventure (guilty again). But sometimes we gain something far greater than any of our expectations and we are changed forever.

Day 2 - Saturday, April 10, 2010

As suggested by my brother, Wendy and I should have gotten up and left for the canyon by 4:00 AM; it was a two hour drive to the trailhead from Kingman. Well it just so happens that my brother wasn't with us and wasn't going on the hike with us, so we didn't heed his advice... na na na na naaaaa

We awoke after 6:00, didn't get on the road till nearly 7:00 and finally made it to the Hualapai Hilltop parking lot around 9:00. Another wonderful day of setting our very own schedule... no deadlines, no urgencies, no have-to-be-somewhere-right-now, and NO ONE complaining because we were late. This alone brought a freedom and peace that was unknown to both of us. Perhaps we should have just turned around and headed back home at that point... I mean why mess with something so perfect?

Upon stepping from the car, I got my first glance at the awe inspiring magnificence of the Grand Canyon. It was sooooo big, sooooo deep.... sooooo woooooweeee wow wow!

Then I noticed the switchback, stair-stepped trail creeping down the canyon wall... Holy Crap-oly! It seemed to never end... and look at those people way down there where the trail finally starts to flatten out and head off into the distance, they look sooooo small and far away! And they were!!! We looked at one another and wondered what the H-E-Double Toothpicks had we got ourselves into?!?!

At some point either the night before or on the drive up, my sister-in-law and I discussed the option of having our supplies--65 pounds of crap--taken down for us by mule. Instead of struggling to carry it on our backs for 12 miles, we would let the donkeys do the work for us and we could just hike.

Though the parking lot was full of cars, there were no people. A few mules were tied to a post near a stack of bags that were possibly awaiting transport to the bottom, but no human beings. The sign nearby reading "Reservations Must be Made in Advance for Pack Mule Baggage Transportation" worried us that we were too late.

At 9:40 we decided that if a mule train did not return by 10:00, we would head out on our own wearing our packs as originally planned. To kill time, we took a few pictures and watched the helicopter come and go three or four times about a quarter of a mile east of us.

Eventually we did find a local, who we pressed for more information. Avoiding direct eye contact with us, he mulled it over and again, finally telling us that it was about $85. (Turns out it was actually $93.50 for up to four bags... one way!) Didn't matter either way, at 10:00 no mule train had come back to the hilltop, so we decided we needed to get started.

Now the reality is that I was freaking out a bit. Even though I consider myself to be in fairly descent shape, and the way in was all downhill... those damn backpacks was F-ing heavy! Heavy to the point that once you put it on, it took you where it wanted.

Right after we began our descent, I actually wobbled trying to gain my balance amid the rocky trail. I was a bit too close to the edge, and I really thought the weight of the pack was going to take me over with it. It felt as if I was just barely able to shift my weight back in time before teetering over.

Wendy was freaking out as she watched this happen... because I heard here suck the air out of the universe behind me. It's probably a good thing she was not within arms reach to try and grab onto me, or I might have taken both of us over the edge. She begged me to walk in the middle of the path... I shakily and willingly complied.

And what an edge it was.... the trail was carved right into the side of the canyon wall... when you looked down, you were right on top of the next switchback. If you did topple, you might manage to avoid bone-breaking jagged boulders assuming you were the luckiest person alive. But missing a ruff and tumble smack down with the rocks, meant you would have to go up against some mean looking prickly pears. Ooooouuuucccchhhh... no matter how you looked at it.

Now please note that on our way to the bottom of the canyon, not one, not two, not three, but FOUR mule trains came up the trail. Timing is everything i guess. And if you don't get the heck out of the way, well being driven into the ground by 40 pounding hooves then kicked into the sharp boulders and prickly pear... NOT pretty.

When we finally made it to the floor of the canyon an hour later, we were feeling pretty proud of ourselves. It went something like this... “That was the hardest part.” “Yeah, if we can do that, we can handle the rest of the hike.” “That wasn’t so bad.” “My pack doesn’t even really seem that heavy.”

Now did we believe the lies we were exchanging? At the time, I guess we did or at least we wanted to. But I will tell you that the worst was yet to come and it was still way out in front of us. We had suffered nothing to this point, but we would. Such naive silly girls.

There was a clue that we should have picked up on right away...but we were slow. Every time we came upon another hiker (usually stopped having a snack or water break) two things occurred. First, 90 percent of the other hikers were only carrying small day packs with water and snacks; not their tent, sleeping bag, clothes, food... not 35 pounds of crap.

Secondly, these other hikers were amazed that we were packing in all our own stuff. They praised us for being so strong and dedicated. They were in awe of our commitment and physical abilities. I am sure as soon as we passed, they were actually taking bets on whether we were going to make it...

The rest of the trail was constantly changing from packed dirt or riverbed gravel to boulders or fine sandy silt. Generally the grade was not steep, and we took a few breaks along the way to take pictures, climb the rocks and explore. I had left my iPod in the car (not discovered until it was too late to hike back) which turned out to be a blessing because we were able chat the hike away, as only girls can do and enjoy.

After four hours of hiking, we were starting to feel the wear and tear. My knees were feeling it with every step and Wendy’s feet were aching. Truthfully, Wendy’s feet had been bothering her for almost the entire hike... but by the forth hour, her description of the pain was quite vivid, “Each step is like stomping barefoot on broken glass.”

Though I offered to stop so she could rest, Wendy was a trooper, claiming it hurt more to stop and start again. You know what they say, 'everything hurts' and so she just pushed through and tried to ignore her ever growing blisters.

Now since this was our first time in Havasu Canyon, it was difficult for us to gage our progress. After the first few hours when we passed hikers heading to the top, we asked them about much further we had to go until reaching Supai... in miles or time.

That turned out to be an embittering experience that lead to our distrust of the entire deceitful human race. Why?!?!?... Well because everyone we passed from that point kept telling us that, you don’t have far to go, the end is close now, it is only a couple more miles, you are almost there...

What a line of total crap! Finally we realized that this was some form of morbid torture unbeknownst to us. Perhaps a sickness that had run ramped in the camp before our arrival... a toxin in the water...

We weren’t close.... NOT even! Because after six hours of hiking, we had yet to reach the village. And we knew the campground was two miles past that. Every bend we went around, every hill we descended just brought us to another, and another and yet another.

We vowed that the next person who told us we were almost there was going to suffer a death of a thousand sharp teeth. We stopped asking any questions, instead we glared into the eyes of by passers, daring them to give us a reason to end their existence... Our pain and exhaustion was putting a little cramp on our happy.

Around 3:00 we FINALLY arrived in the small Indian settlement of Supai where we picked up our camping permit. We didn’t dawdle along the dirt path leading through town or among the slight houses. Primarily because we just wanted to get to camp and be done. But there was also an unwelcome-ness about the village. The division was made clear between those who lived there and those who were just passing through... and we knew without explanation where we stood.

It felt like we had stepped into another country. Unconsciously we started applying our western-capitalist slant on things, before we reminded ourselves that this was a world apart, where they took what they wanted from ours, leaving the rest, including the need to be all chummy with the tourists.

Only two miles left but it was beginning to feel like an eternal treadmill... we were aching at every joint and sooooo dead-dog tired. Thank goodness the final stretch of the walk gave us our first glimpse of the amazing waterfalls in the canyon. A mile down the trail, we spied the New Navajo Falls, which were created during the flood in 2008.

And right before we got to the camp ground we discovered Havasu Falls, magnificent, breathtaking, like nothing I had ever witnessed... but that was to be topped.

Mooney Falls, one mile past the campground turned out to be even taller and more spectacular. The best part of Mooney Falls though (this is the thrill-seeker in me coming out) was how you got to the base of the falls.

A series of dark Claustrophobic tunnels and moisture slickened steps carved into the canyon wall had to be traversed by carefully clinging to a succession of chains anchored into the rock. The final descent to the ground was achieved by cautiously clambering down a slippery metal ladder bolted into the stone wall. But it was all worth it.

A pool of crystal blue at the base drew me in, where I waded toward the roaring mist of the tumbling falls; as I got closer, the force of rushing water and air pushed me back. I must have taken a hundred pictures from every angle possible... I fell head over heals in love.

The hike to and from Mooney Falls rejuvenated us and relieved some of the aches and pains of our day, but left us utterly famished. After setting up our tent, we eat a freeze dried dinner of lasagna, chicken and rice and raspberry crumble. They are these really light weight plastic bags that you just add hot water to and then let them set. Viola!

Believe it or not, they were actually really yummy! But some how we only manage to bring one spoon, so I ate with a stick that I wiped off. The wipe-off was a superfluous act that took place only because I had to wait while the food was prepared. I assure you a little dirt was of no consequence to my ravenously appetite.

As soon as we had stuffed ourselves, we collapsed into our sleeping bags and snuggled our beaten bodies up to the hard ground. Before being lulled to sleep by the sounds of Havasu Creek, I realized that Wendy wasn't my sister-in-law anymore, she was my Sister. There was absolutely no one I would have rather made this miraculous journey with.

To be continued...

Wandering from Home - Part 1

Tuesday that feels like Monday

2010-04-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

Even though today was Tuesday, on many levels it felt like Monday. Maybe because it was my first day back to work this week or because I was ooooh soooo tired which I am sure heightened my sensitivity to everything around me. I found myself feeling critical of others, but I also felt justified at times... which I am sure is not a good combination and will lead nowhere good...

In general, I really do try to be kind to other people, to not throw out my judgments or participate in idle or cruel gossip. I know that I wasn't always like that... When I was younger, and full of my own extreme insecurities, I could be quick to cut someone else down behind their back. I do try not to be so catty now... but have you ever come into contact with someone who just rubs you the wrong way and you can't help harboring ill thoughts about them?

At the gym where I work, there are a lot of affluent members. Most don't flaunt it but once in a while you witness someone looking down their nose. They can't quite treat you as they would a friend of equal status, because you work at the gym versus being a member. They hold themselves just above you, conveying their superiority whenever your paths do cross.

I find that with these type of people, I either kill them with kindness... making them feel like crap for being so smug. Or I go out of my way to hold myself above them by not making eye contact, ignoring their presence, or the-real-kicker by being in better shape than they are... he he he.

In the end though, I know they act the way they do because they are insecure and afraid. They puff themselves up to accentuate what they have that I don’t, only to conceal what they don’t have, which is confidence and a love for themselves.

Now there is another type of person that just sends me over the edge... or at least it did today. They are insincere know-it-alls who always have to have something to say about EVERY topic at hand. They drone on and on with their oh-woe-is-me pity party thinly veiled as advice for someone else. They make up stories about what they have done or where they have been, just so they can draw upon the sympathies of others.

And as soon as they open their mouth, I feel myself cringing, because it is immediately evident they just want to talk about themselves. And the lies and exaggerations they spew make my head shake in disbelief, because it seems like it was just a few days ago when they regurgitated a contradictory load of crap.

If I tried to keep from rolling my eyes, I’d probably develop a tick. If I happen to have a friend near me who shares my opinion, we exchange glances while trying not to smirk or laugh at the little blood-and-energy-sucking tick who desperately needs to be squashed, releasing the truth for all to see!

Now I am taking a really deep breath... didn't realize that was all bothering me so much...

Again, I know this type of person does what they do because they are insecure and fearful. They are terrified of being ordinary like the rest of us. They are afraid no one will listen to or care about them if they don’t offer an opinion or experience that tops everyone else. But instead of endearing themselves, they grate so deeply upon the rest of us with their dishonesty that they end up further isolating themselves, all the while blaming the world for all that is wrong in their life.

Now I have to wonder, do I exasperate others with my personality? Maybe on certain Thursdays that feel like Fridays, there are particular individuals who can’t stand my hyper, smiley, sarcastic, optimistic, hopeful and sometimes honest to a fault combination of character traits. Do they recognize my imperfect, insecure humanity for what it is? Do they have more tolerance for me on Saturdays?

Truth is I don’t honestly care. I feel kind of rotten for bad-mouthing others, but I’m not perfect. I do try to understand why people are the way they are and put myself in their shoes, but that doesn’t mean I have to like them or their stinking shoes. And if being true to myself is like nails-on-a-chalkboard to someone else, well that sucks, but I won’t be a chameleon for the sake of another person’s comfort.

I will continue my own growth by striving to feel greater compassion and acceptance of others... and in the interim they should count themselves lucky that I haven’t fully exposed them here... as I surely could... if I felt so inclined... just because it is a Tuesday that feels like Monday.

Wandering from Home - Part 1

2010-04-13T01:58:00.000-07:00

I was thrilled when my sister-in-law Wendy invited me on a trip to the Grand Canyon. Sure, sure, sure... I will hike it with you... No problem!! But what started out as a girl's weekend away, turned out incredibly different. We embarked upon a bona fide adventure, that challenged us more than expected with quite a few lessons learned. Some of these lessons came the hard way, but I wouldn't trade any of them. The obstacles we overcame, revealed a part of ourselves we had not known before.

Day 1 - Friday, April 9, 2010

With my kiddos off to school, I packed up my gear and headed off. I was supposed to leave home around 11:00 AM, but being the girl I am, I didn't manage to set off until 1:30. But I had no real deadline, so it felt good for once to not have to worry about being anywhere at any set time or screaming and cursing at someone because I was late yet again.

My first destination was Kingman, Arizona, where my brother and sister-in-law live with their three children. Now ironically, my brother was traveling to my house with his kiddos AS I traveled to his home. So all six wild-and-out-of-control cousins and three hyper dogs would be at my house with the two husbands for the weekend, and I would be with my sister-in-law, just the two of us, existing in perfect harmony and peace. Sometimes the planets just align...

Needless to say, I was floating on a cloud as I headed out of Phoenix through Wickenburg, so much so that I began to nod off as I was driving. I knew that I was extremely sleep deprived... I hadn’t managed to get more than fours hours of sleep in a given night over the last three weeks. Now I could have pulled over and rested, but I would have had to sleep for at least eight hours on the side of the road in order to not be in a state of dozing off... so I pushed on.

I sent out a few texts hoping for some company on the road. I heard back from my sister Jen, who reminded me to be careful texting while driving... Which I know to be dangerous, and irresponsible, and bad, and wrong, but I do it anyway sometimes... sorry, but at least I am honest... and I don’t do it with my kids in the car... scout’s honor. That way I could turn up my music really loud, put the AC on high, set the cruise control and still carry on a conversation. I believed all of these components were necessary to stay awake.

So what is the first thing my sister texts??? “Stop and get a big fat iced coffee.” Well yes Love I would, if I weren’t in the middle of NOWHERE!! I was 58 miles from the next services. But two text messages later, the world as I knew it came to an end... I LOST PHONE SERVICE... and now I was utterly alone.

So the music gets turned up louder, AC set even colder, petal to the metal and onward I went. Face slapping and yelling helped somewhat, but thank God for Alice in Chains and the Violent Femmes.

As I drove through the desert, I watched the Joshua trees faded in to the Saguaro cactus as the elevation increased. When I reached Wikieup, I hesitated too long and before I realized it, I had passed through the entire reservation town. Thankfully Luchia’s Restaurant appeared like a mirage just outside of town, where they poured me a much needed cup of coffee, getting me back on track with only 46 miles to Kingman.

Once I arrived, my sister-in-law and I ran around buying the last odds and ends for our trip, and began to load up our packs. First, we laid everything out including food, water, clothes, first aid, extra shoes, coats, tent, sleeping bags, sleeping mats, miniature camp stove, cooking pot, camp mugs, dehydrated meals, cameras, books, sunscreen, bug spray, TP, hats... the pile was massive. We began stuffing and tying and strapping and cramming... Try as we might, well, it just wouldn’t all fit... so we honed it down as much as possible.

And when we had stuffed our packs from top to bottom we realized we had in no way shape or form anticipated how heavy our packs would be. We pulled out Wendy’s bathroom scale to weigh them... first ourselves, then with the packs on. Her pack weighed 35 pounds and mine 40!

Just the very act of picking up the packs and getting them on our backs was colossal. So we lessened our loads even more... parting with anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary like a towel, cribbage board, deck of cards, a few bottles of water and some food. I mean who needs food and water anyway? With about five pounds removed from each, the godforsaken backpacks still felt heavy beyond belief.

In attempting to pull them on and strap into them, we found it difficult to maintain balance, decorum or restraint as we broke into uncontrollable laughter. The kind of belly laughter that brings you to the floor, takes your breath away, leaves your sides aching, cheeks burning and eyes watering.

We vowed that our next trip together would be to a spa. We even toyed with the idea of heading to Laughlin, or better yet Vegas, in the morning, taking a few pictures of ourselves in our packs in front of a cactus, hoping no one would be the wiser.

When finally we recovered, doubt had unwittingly began to seep in. Doubt in our ability to do what we had set out to do--hike 12 miles down into the Grand Canyon to Havasu Falls, camp overnight and hike out the next day. Until now there had never been a reservation or misgiving shared between us. But reality was heavy... 65 pounds of overwhelming uncertainty. And we both found it difficult to fall asleep that night, worrying and wondering if we would be able realize our dream.

To be continued...

Wandering from Home - Part 2

Lesson of the Week

2010-04-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

What I learned this week... Well even though I keep hearing it, I keep experiencing it, I keep hurting because of it (for years now).... I was unable to believe it. Once I begrudgingly resigned myself to accept it though... my pain, fear and emotional turmoil was lightened (No no no... not entirely removed, that would be asking too much, but close enough and I am grateful for that.)

Here IT is.... There is NO human being that I know or will ever know that can fulfill me, make me happy or meet my needs. The more I think and believe that another person can do these things for me, the more I am discontented with myself and my relationships. When I accept that the only way for me to have peace, happiness, fulfillment is to give my life over to God and let him lead. He is the ONLY certainty that I can ever completely count on. He will always love me unconditionally, even with my countless and ever emerging flaws.

Off and on all week, I was thrown a curve here or there by people in my life. My reactions ranged from anger and sadness to anxiety and disappointment. But I was actually able to curtail those emotions from developing into full blown tantrums, cuss outs or target practice.

I recognized my feelings, acknowledged that they were valid (at least somewhat), and allowed myself to feel them. Then I remembered that I didn’t need to go over the edge, because I have a power much greater than myself that will give me peace and solutions. I have a power that will put all right with the world. Just by knowing and remembering that things would work out, that I would be loved no matter the outcome, I was able to let go of my emotional baggage. I do not have to feel let down, lonely or worried when I put my faith in God.

Now putting too much faith in a human being, well that is an entirely different story... a trap we all fall into from time to time. Certainly we should and do believe in each other, but if we base our self-worth and happiness on another person, then we are likely to be miserable, if not immediately, it will eventually happen. Lets face it... nobody is even close to perfect and nobody wants exactly what we want. So even when I felt wronged, I was able to know that it would work out, that I need not feel destroyed, despondent or hopeless. Instead I felt assured and peaceful; I smiled from the inside out.

Oh and let me not forget to share lesson #2... when you drive away too fast in a blue minivan, turns out you don’t look all I-gotta-need-for-speed. Whoever happens to be watching your display of raw V6 power, just thinks you are mad... Go figure? I have to laugh at myself for that one... I’m such a dork!

Walking on the Edge

2010-04-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

I scan the surface of the grey-blue face, seeking the longest most challenging path to the top. My first grip doesn’t hold as I attempt to heft myself up with one foot jammed into a crevasse. Running my fingers along the ridges of the rock, I hope to find a lip that will provide more leverage for my next attempt.

Pulling and pushing at once, I lift off the ground, pressing my cheek against the smooth, cool stone. Ever scanning for my next hand hold, I know I cannot remain in one position too long. Already I feel my left toe slipping, loosing its grasp. My mind focuses, exploring the possibilities, thrill surging my pulse.

Moving on without hesitation, maintaining three points of contact, I quickly scale the 15 feet to the first landing. Balancing on one foot and then the other, I feel my breath catch with excitement as I teeter on the edge and then move on to the next and highest ledge.

Looking out over the pool that awaits, fear seeps in. Excitement, rushes through my veins, reflexively turning up the corners of my mouth. To calm myself, I chatter on to onlookers, to myself. What do I fear most? The distance, the impact? No... the cold, definitely the cold.

In mid-sentence, I step off the edge, surprising the witnesses... myself. I hear a scream of joy, of fear, of ecstasy, echoing off the cliff, my scream. As I plummet into the icy water, my knees pull up into a ball, my arms pull down to slow my descent. Enveloped by the clear emerald waters, the suns rays pierce the surface, illuminating the four feet of water above my head. It is like gazing up through a massive green marble.

A succession of resolute and furious kicks send me bursting through the river’s surface. My lungs gasp, not so much for air but in reaction to the crushing cold. Half way to the bank my chest seizes to the chill, I can not breath. My too-often-taken-for-granted arms and legs do not fail, but carry me to the bank. With unexpected effort, I crawl from the water. Falling upon the beach in exhaustion, I wrap myself in the warmth of the sand, struggling for breath, laughing for joy, beaming from ear to ear, gratefully knowing I am alive.

This past weekend while camping I had the thrill of being able to jump from the rocky river cliffs into freezing water. Some people probably think I’m crazy, but for me it was exhilarating, a blast.

But yesterday with my feet back on solid ground, I found myself longing. It was one of those days when I could just care less about the consequences, an eat-directly-out-of-the-peanut-butter-jar-with-a-really-big-spoon day. Sure I can run off the calories later, but its more than that... I was feeling a bit stir crazy, confused, needing to listen to thrashing rock music well above safe limits, while weaving in and out of traffic too fast.

Reckless is how a friend of mine once described my behavior. I thought it was a phase of my youth, but when I look at myself today, I recognize that it still exists in one form or another. And it shows up in unmistakable ways when my life begin to spin out of control.

The reason I used to drink was to feel that reckless abandon wash over me. But being an alcoholic is but a tiny piece of the puzzle. Throughout my life I have craved the rush, the high, the standing-too-near-the-edge feeling that reminds me I am alive. I require a dose of whatever makes my heart beat faster and puts me in control of my own destruction. I often do whatever I do simply because I can.

Besides consuming indecent amounts of wine and all the careless choices I coupled with that, I used to have this hard-headed determination that drew me into relationships with abusive men over and again. I also found myself pushing the limits of my own health by choosing to eat too little while exercising too much.

Luckily for me I have switched out some of my more treacherous behaviors for things that are a bit less destructive... now I only manage to find myself drinking too much coffee, getting too little sleep or jogging alone in the dark. Oh and I love trail running and rock climbing because I have to keep my mind focused at all times... one false move and I could take a serious fall. But the rush of making it to the bottom or top unscathed (or even a little scathed) is addicting.

What is it that drives some of us to walk the edge... bull riding, drug abuse, hang-gliding, poker playing, bungee-jumping, unsafe sex, bank robbery? Behaviors that feed the need for an adrenalin rush... a near loss of control... recklessness? And what constitutes the sometimes fuzzy line between acceptable risk and unnecessary endangerment?

There is a scientific name for my behavior, though it is generally most prevalent in adolescent boys (let’s not even go there) called sensation-seeking. This personality trait is described as the need for varied, novel and complex sensations and experiences coupled with the willingness to take physical and social risks for the sake of these experiences.

But what I learned, that hit close to home, was that there is a strong correlation between high levels of sensation-seeking, especially associated with risky behaviors such as driving fast, high stimulus hobbies and acting without thinking and ADD. OK... those weren’t my words... but weeeeeoooooo... all three of those fit me more than I care to admit.

But WHY... I need to understand?!?!? Turns out that the prefrontal cortex of my brain, and the brains of individuals with ADD and ADHD, is under active. Perilous, commotion-driven behavior stimulates this area of the brain and releases noradrenaline and dopamine.

These special receptor chemicals are involved in brain functions which affect our ability to pay attention or concentrate. They also play a role in controlling executive functions of the brain which stop us from acting impulsively and are necessary for goal-directed behavior. Medications usually prescribed for the treatment of ADD/ADHD work by increasing the level of these two chemicals.

Another interesting fact about sensation-seeking is that it is considered to be a genetically passed trait. Twin studies show that it has a HIGH degree of heritability, around 60 percent--most traits range from 30 to 50 percent. I am now taking a deep breath... as a mother that means my job is cut out for me and I will most likely get back everything that I dealt out to own my father... that’s true karma for you.

I’ll need to be on my toes, vigilantly watching my kiddos... Not that I wouldn‘t any way, but knowing myself, and honestly recognizing the emergence of my own sensation-seeking, well I don’t have much time... Truthfully, my middle child has already shown promise in knowing how to push the boundaries... just because she can.

Even though danger-driven behaviors can lead to disaster and even death, they have played a necessary and integral role in human survival. Without the desire to search out threats, we would not have evolved as a species or continue to grow as individuals. Our drive for discovery, motivation for knowledge and quest for adventure would be extinguished if we were not compelled to take risks, to walk on the edge.

So when I get pulled over for driving like a manic, I’ll let the officer know that I was on my way to get more peanut butter... or perhaps I should just turn up my iPod and run in the dark... that choice is definitely more productive and safer for everyone.

Sources:

ADHD and High Risk Behavior by Eileen Bailey
http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/adult-adhd-251516-5.html

Factors Influencing Adolescents' Decisions to Engage in Risk-Taking Behavior
Journal article by Mary R. Rolison, Avraham Scherman; Adolescence, Vol. 37, 2002
http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst;jsessionid=L6nBfvcMLZ1c4MNtJVLtvqQph2hkZyLvTyMS2mVJxpRlk4SXvx7Q!948790962!-245495658?docId=5000656922

ADHD Treatments
http://www.addandadhd.co.uk/adhd-treatments.html

Are You a Risk Taker?
What causes people to take risks? It's not just a behavior. It's a personality.
By Marvin Zuckerman, published on November 01, 2000 - last reviewed on July 11, 2007
Psychology Today
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200011/are-you-risk-taker

Crippled by Indecision

2010-03-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

Recently someone tried to impart me with the knowledge that the most precarious place we can exist is in a state of indecision. For in this position we are not only miserable, but we are not growing or moving forward in our lives.

If we are faced with what seems like a life altering decision, having to chose A over B can be overwhelming, almost crippling. It can seem utterly impossible to decide which is the best choice? Which will result in the least negative consequences? Which will hurt more or less, to ourselves and others? In the long run which is the right and best thing to do?

Sometimes the actual state of indecision seems less painful or fraught than either of the possible choices. So we remain in this unresolved place, hoping for a solution through fate or revelation.

When I was younger, I was faced with a choice that I felt could alter my future irreparably. Though I had always planned to attend college after high school and structured my studies accordingly, I came to a point when I was unsure if that was actually what I should do.

I became involved in a relationship with a boy that was not very healthy. He was controlling and abusive, but at that time in my life, I was deeply in love. He stated in no uncertain terms that if I chose to go off to college, he couldn’t promise he would be there when I got back. His motives were not that of honesty, but of control.

But I was left with a difficult decision: Go to college and possibly lose him or stay in my hometown with him. Obviously this may seem like a no-brainer, but he was the strongest influence in my life at that time, and even though I knew my father wanted me to go to college, he didn’t attempt to influence me with much force. And even if he had, I don’t know if I would I have given it any heed?
I worried over my choice for many weeks, until it made me physically ill and I had completely run out of time. On one hand, if I left our small town to go to school, my boyfriend might break up with me and start dating someone else. At the time I loved him so much (or at least what I thought was love) that I feared I would never love anyone else as much. And even more terrifying was the concern that no one else would ever love me as much as he did and I would be alone.

On the other hand, if I decided against college, I could marry my boyfriend, but I would be relegated to what ever job I could get. I would be closing the door on my future education and growth, and on a fulfilling career.

On the morning I was to take the SAT exam, I finally decided to forgo attending a university. The following week, I altered my school schedule so that half of the school day during my senior year would be spent working as a receptionist. I considered this the best course of action in order to gain job skills so I would have some options when I graduated.

Now believe it or not, that all-important relationship did eventually come to an end... boo hoo... NOT. Though I was a few years behind some of my friends, I did get my college degree and was probably a better student because I was more mature and focused than I would have been at 18. Even though high insight tells me without a doubt, I made the absolute wrong decision, nothing was actually so life-altering that all future happiness and opportunities were removed from me.

The point is though, when we have to make a decision, how do we do so with out remaining in a constant state of uncertainty? Especially if we are worried about making the wrong choice, a choice which could possibly produce irreversible damage to our life or the lives of others?

First off, remaining undecided too long is risky, because we may lose our ability to chose. Something or someone else may decide for us or a choice may be removed or lost. But more importantly, we lose time in indecision. Day after day, often spent in stress or despair, slips away.

We hesitate because we fear pain or regret, so we try to look at each option and how it might play out in the future. Pondering the possible outcomes means we have to try and predict what will happen. Without a crystal ball, prediction is difficult and uncertain. The more we analyze, often the more ambivalent we feel.

When making these tough choices we believe the consequences are very serious to ourselves, our future, and the feelings and lives of others. We try to determine which option will be the best for all.

But the more we focus on the need to make a decision, the more we distort its importance, and in turn the more difficult it is to take action..... aaaaaarrrrrrr! It is a vicious cycle and the longer we hold off deciding, the more limited our choices become!

We often believe a choice that we make right now, could have catastrophic consequences in our life if it is the wrong choice. We mistakenly believe one decision will change everything in our life from that point forward.

What I have found is that IF I look at a difficult decision in a present-minded manner versus a cataclysmic approach, the process is much less traumatic and the possible repercussions less fearful. (That can sometimes be a very big IF for me, because I am not always present-minded... but I keep trying.)

If I look at a choice I need to make by considering only the present moment, without regard or prediction of all future events, then I find that it is much easier to make. If we can try to make a choice by looking at just how it effects our present situation, we need only consider the immediate consequences, which allows us to focus on how our decision feels: right or wrong versus the possible devastation of our entire future.

Indecision results from fear. Down deep we probably know the right choice, but sometimes we need time to muster the strength to choose. Waiting too long only obscures what we really want or need.

Hesitancy makes us feel we are giving our choice a lot of thought and consideration, but in the end it only hinders our growth. If we focus on the present, we will see the path that we have probably already chosen. Once we accept that we are strong enough to follow through, we can begin to let go of worry and uncertainty; we can stop wasting time and energy, and start living.

My Little Van Goghs

2010-03-30T02:53:00.000-07:00

In 2002, I had the honor of working with Bay Area artist Judy Gittelsohn putting paint brushes into the hands of individuals with developmental disabilities. I wrote the grant request that went on to fund a therapeutic art program led by Judy that culminated in a gallery exhibition of some truly amazing works of art--two paintings of which hang in my upstairs hallway.

I love Judy's art and how she shares her talents. Today she continues to teach and inspire individuals with special needs through the Art for Well Beings program in Palo Alto, California.

What I learned from Judy and the years I worked with adults with developmental disabilities at Kainos was that creativity is not limited by disability. Painting increases self-esteem, boosts confidence, reduces stress, improves fine motor skills, and provides an outlet for feelings, while enhancing communication and social skills.

Art therapy is used to treat multiple conditions including bipolar, posttraumatic stress and learning disorders in children and adults. In addition to helping enhance mental and emotional health, art therapy can increase self-awareness and cognitive abilities and aid in healing traumatic emotional experiences. Art therapy can also reduce pain, tension and anxiety, and is used with patients who suffer from chronic, debilitating, and terminal illnesses.

When I asked my kiddos today if anyone wanted to paint, I got a resounding YES, YES, YESSSS! My children love any opportunity to don their paint smocks and get messy. An even greater thrill filled them when they found out they would get to use the-paints-that-don‘t-wash-out-of-your-clothes... oooooooo. With brushes in hand and paints mixed, art quieted the masses. Perfecting our canvas was a cooperative effort, in both patience (mostly mine being tried) and creativity. But the results were amazing. And for a brief period, all was tranquil in our little loony bin.

The Prodigal Daughter

2010-03-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

Two Sundays ago, I loaded my kids in the car, picked up my sister and four-year old niece, and headed to church. Now this scene wouldn't generally seem strange, but I haven't personally been to church for more years than I care to state out loud, except the random wedding and well--TRUE CONFESSION: My children have NEVER been to church. Told you I was raising a bunch of heathens... cringe and judge me if you must... I am sure I deserve that.

Many moons ago, I ended a relationship with someone who was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and the Catholic church that I was a member of at the time made me feel, in no uncertain terms, that my leaving him was unacceptable... well I SPITEFULLY turned my back on my church, organized religion and God.

I spent years with a spiritual void growing ever greater inside of me. In my heart, even though I publicly denied it, I needed, wanted, craved a spiritual connection. At first my anger caused me to withdraw from what had always been a certainty in my life. Then I became openly reproachful, thinking I was smarter than or somehow above religion.

But I always felt an emptiness. This cavity grew, leaving me feeling hollow and hopeless. But I continued to feel a pull. And slowly but surely I have found my way back, in little bits and pieces. Peace is settling back into my heart, and I feel hope in a way that gives me new purpose.

So what does my 12-year old say when I asked her, “What did you think of the service?”

Mind you, this church is NOTHING like the church of my childhood. Almost everyone attending that morning was wearing jeans, including the pastor. A full rock band performed an array of couldn’t-stop-yourself-from-toe-tapping contemporary upbeat songs to a backdrop of three enormous visually graphic projection screens. And to top it off, the sermon, delivered in an optimistic, humorous, down-to-earth manner, happened to be from Luke 15: 11-32, the return of the prodigal son... weeeeeeeooooooo... really!?!?! Go figure?

My daughter’s nonchalant response was, “I believe in evolution.”

Nothing like having your own words slap you in the face in front of an entire congregation. And boy timing is everything... I really really should have waited to ask that question until we got to the car. I could literally feel the air being sucked out of the universe around me. Hopefully though, my heathens and I will be given a second chance and be allowed to come back.

Later, I tried to explain to my daughter that religion and science; creation and evolution are not exclusive of one another, at least not for me. I could see the doubt in her eyes, but I realized that I saw questions too. I admitted to her that I had taught her only one side of the story, but I had failed to show her the other side.

My intent now is to share the complete story and have her witness for herself what spirituality can offer. She can take it or leave it of her own free will. She is cautiously curious about the change in me and that is all I can expect at this point. I am HOPEful that my example, as the prodigal daughter, will speak greater than anything else.

It’s tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath

2010-03-25T01:53:00.000-07:00

I just want to check and see if it is OK if I openly hate all men this week? Sorry guys... I just need to embrace my anger and go with it. Nothing personal really. It's not ALL men, just the one's I have managed to come in contact with this week. Self-centered, arrogant, clueless, BS...

I have been going to AA meetings since January, and it has been a great source of peace and spirituality for me. It is amazing how you can share the most intimate details of your life with a room full of complete strangers just because you are all drunks. As someone put it so eloquently, "I wouldn't drink with most of you people, but I'll get sober with you."

So I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching and sometimes crying at these meetings over the last couple months. I have disclosed vague details of the demise of my male relationships that has occurred recently. And when I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and whining at every meeting, well I shifted into a rage. And that is how I am feeling now.... pissed. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs, pound on the walls, pissed.

And to top off the ‘I hate MEN’ week that I’m having... tonight this guy who I’ve seen in the past at meetings, asks me for my phone number right in the middle of the meeting... He starts to explain that he too has just gone through a rough relationship break up and for him the thing that helped most was to talk to people, so he thought maybe I wanted to talk sometime or get some coffee and discuss what I 'm going through... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? REALLY?? Do I look like I just fell off a dumb truck...??

But in lue of anger or pain, pounding and screaming, tears and hatred, and utter head-shaking disbelief, I am choosing to be grateful. Grateful for all the men in my life that are wonderful and truly keep me sane.

I am grateful for my father who is one of the kindest men I know. I am thankful for my oldest brother for believing that Life is but a Dream, my middle brother who I love to go camping with, and my baby brother who felt my pain as deeply as I did.

I am truly appreciative of my children’s father (even when he was on my hit list at times this week) for being a great dad, for my brother-in-law for looking out for me, and for my guy friends who love me for me and never expect more. And I am ever grateful for my grandpa Max, who I named my son after, for buying me my first BB gun, teaching me how to fish, telling me stories, and always making me smile. Miss you Grandpa...

I actually feel much better now. It’s a bit tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath. And it is impossible to hate ALL men. Honestly I don’t really hate anyone... sorry I even thought that out loud. I just don’t like hurting and weeping and fuming, so I am choosing to let that tornado of emotions go... I cried, I raged, I forgave. Now I’m moving on.

Two-week and One-day Stay at the Lunatic Lodge

2010-03-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

For one week now, the three little people in my life have brawled and squawked, screamed and grumbled on and on about one another. The oldest baits the youngest, the middle child wails, someone pushes, another shoves. They scratch, taunt and glare as I beg them to get along... and the beat goes on. We are blessed with a two-week plus one extra day spring break here in Chandler. Oh joy...

Not a moment’s peace... one week was manageable, I filled the time with my limited budget, but two weeks and a day... are they insane? And the week they return, they have Monday off, go back for three days and are off again on Friday.

Even if I had a limitless budget, I couldn’t possibly keep them busy enough. My children honestly spend more time and effort combating each other than they do on any other pursuit. This morning it was the wrongful accusation of a stolen doll, tattle-tailing about un-brushed teeth, and, “It’s not fair, they won’t let me be the caboose! I want to play choo-choo too!”

Our afternoon frolic to the park, was rained out... and as I write I can hear pounding feet on the second floor and the high pitched squeal of my son... delight or rage? That is yet to be determined... I better go check.

After checking, it turns out that it was my younger daughter who was screaming. When I inquired what the problem was, she started sniveling that, “They were laughing at me.”

“Well, isn’t that better than them throwing things at you,” I say trying to make light of the situation, salvaging what had been a 1-hour long stint with negligible fighting.

“They were throwing things... at my doll’s house,” she complained, as my son melts down into laughter in the hall. “Then he stuck my play phone down his pants.”

“Eeeeewww, for Pete’s sake Max... Why?” I ask. Is that a boy thing?

“I can’t touch my phone noooooow. Please wash it moooooommmmmy. It‘s covered with gross pee-pee germs,” Sara moans.

“Sara was trying to kick me,” he sputters a made up story to validate his actions between uncontrollable giggles.

I shake my head and begin walking away. Not too bad considering, right? First, no one was bleeding. Second, I was almost able to ignore the completely chaotic state of the four upstairs bedrooms. As my face contorts, in recognition of the utter disaster they have created, Sara looks at me, tilts her head and smiles, “We made a resort.”

Do they toss Barbie heads at you when you stay at a resort? Throw all the bedding onto the floor? Remove hundreds of books from the shelves to make a highway? I obviously haven’t stayed at the right ones.

Would resort staff bellow my name, “Moooooooommmm, moooooooommmmm,” over and over from the top of the stairs? Would they threaten to choke each other if I didn’t comply with their requests? Or boot-kick my favorite stuffy over the banister?

Hmmmmm??? I’m thinking that it is quite a blessing I can’t afford a resort stay at this time... I have about as much relaxation and comfort as I can handle right here in my own lunatic lodge.

Finding myself Single

2010-03-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

A few days ago as I was writing a blog post and roaming the Internet until 3:00 in the morning, I noticed that my husband had changed his 'Relationship Status' on Facebook to Single.

He only did this a couple weeks ago, but I started wondering who else had seen this. And not that it mattered who has seen it, but it is kind of strange that I didn't notice it for days. But if it's out on Facebook, well then it is fair game Hon and I can write about it here on my blog... I promise to be nice :-)

I wasn’t going to write about it directly. I wanted to keep it private for now and just skirt around it. But anyone who knows me and has seen any of my recent articles, may have read between the lines and wondered what was going on anyway...

In October, we will have been married for 15 years. We have known each other for over 18 years... and we have three wonderful children. When you get a divorce (yes... that’s right we are getting a divorce) it is your children you worry about the most. You stay together and keep trying long after you should have thrown in the towel and stopped making each other miserable... because of the children.

At least I know that my husband and I will remain partners for life in raising and supporting our children even after our divorce. My oldest daughter already knows, and seems to be handling it ok. When we told her it was almost as if she already knew and was somewhat relieved. Kids aren‘t fooled by our idiotic attempts to pretend something is what it isn’t. We have both talked with her, making sure she can say or ask whatever she needs without ever blaming herself for our failure.

My two youngest don’t know yet, because we are all still living under one roof... due to financial constraints that are still being worked out. We decided to wait to tell them until we had a more definite timeline. We didn’t want to create confusion or anxiety with the present living arrangement, giving them the false belief that daddy and mommy were staying married.

I worry that it will be emotionally difficult for them, but we will cross that bridge when we get there and do what we need to do to help them through it... ongoing reassurances and love, spending family time together with my husband and I, not being openly hostile to one another, not speaking negatively about each other, continuing to make and support decisions about each child together, and participating in family or individual therapy if needed.

For years my husband and I kept trying to make things work. We went to marriage counselors, relationship seminars and read a lot of self-help books. We always ended up back in the same spot... But I can honestly say that we gave it our all and it is time to let go and move on with our lives.

At a certain point when you are unhappy within a marriage, I don’t think you are doing your children any good by staying together if the only reason you are doing it is for them. And what does that teach them? That it is better to suffer and cause suffering to those around you instead of making a change that will in the end make everyone happier...

According to Dr. Robert Emery, Ph.D., in his article Parenting Through Divorce,

Children can emerge from divorce emotionally healthy and resilient, but it takes a conscientious effort - sometimes a heroic one - on the part of parents to manage the personal and legal business of divorce in a responsible, adult manner. Protecting their children demands that parents deal with their own anger, hurt, grief, fear, and longing on a schedule dictated by their children's needs, not their own.

I believe my children will benefit much more from seeing the two of us happy each day, making the most of our lives for ourselves. I want to teach my children that happiness is not fleeting, something that blows in and out of your life, dependent upon another person. We choose to be content and fulfilled. If our circumstances are not making us happy, then we can choose to change them.

My husband and I are choosing to separate our paths, for the sake of happiness. That which continues to join us will always remain one of our greatest priorities and joys, our children.

Setting a Goal for Health and Happiness

2010-03-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I successfully completed my first triathlon!! In all truth, if you had asked me even just a year ago, I would have found the idea of finishing this sort of race laughable. But somewhere half way through the cycle portion of the competition, I found myself smiling ear to ear. I was in awe of my accomplishment and felt completely blessed to have the ability to push myself to ever greater limits.

I didn't used to think it was possible because, I am not really the completive type when it comes to sports... I have always caught balls with my face. Secondly, I love to exercise, but I haven't ever focused on a training program for myself that included a timeframe and specific performance goals. Honestly, for me it seemed to be too much pressure and chance of failure. And frankly, there was a time in the not so past, that I didn’t actually think I was cable of such a feat. I didn’t consider myself in the same caste as people who participated in fitness competitions or organized sports.

Turns out I was wrong about all of that (big surprise), but more importantly I came to an important realization... I think everyone should use a definable and measurable goal for health and fitness. Not just a goal of losing X number of pounds or that you want to look hot for your high school reunion, but an objective that keeps you focused while having FUN.

Several months ago I signed up for the triathlon with a friend/client. We picked a date, paid our entrance fees and began training. I worked some of her training into her sessions, while applying the same principles to my own workouts. We compared our present performance levels with past competitor scores to determine specific goal parameters for each segment of our race.

We worked out together, exchanged ideas and articles about increasing performance and even discussed our iPod playlist strategies. Having a friend to go through the process with me made me accountable... definitely less likely to cheat on my training. But most importantly I had a great time during the entire experience and we are already planning at least two more triathlons together this year!

Your goal doesn’t have to be a triathlon or even a competition, there are innumerable ways to individually formulate a goal that can be just as effective. The first step is developing a goal that is quantifiable, attainable yet challenging and tied to a particular completion date. But in order to stay on track and provide motivation beyond the typical limits, your goal must be enjoyable... throughout the process, not just with an eye on the end result.

Make your goal something you like to do, with people you love spending time with. Break it down into smaller targets if needed. You may just be surprised how much you take away from the experience, and how eager you are to set your sights on your next aspiration.

In the end, I think you will find that exercise doesn’t have to be a burden, but can provide long lasting benefits for your health and happiness. It is an extraordinary blessing when getting fit doesn’t feel like a chore, but increases the joy in your life. Achieving a fitness goal will also help you appreciate your body and increase your confidence. This new found self-assurance may lead you to try things you never imagined possible, as it did with me.

Here are some ideas if you need help getting started...
Hike a mountain trail
Complete a family bike ride of a specific length
Form a relay team and do one segment of a triathlon
Rollerblade to the mall with a friend
Snorkel and swim in a tropical destination
Walk the full course instead of riding a cart when you golf
Play Frisbee with your dog for 1 hour
Join a local basketball/baseball/volleyball/soccer league
Lead a nature hike for your church's youth group
Learn ballroom or hip-hop dancing
Run a 5K race or marathon for your favorite charity
Play doubles tennis each week
Plan a white water rafting trip
Take a yoga class to attain a flexibility goal
Take horseback riding lessons
Walk to dinner and a movie
Sign up for a Hula Hoop contest
Become a member of a rock climbing club
Go camping with your tent, sleeping bag and supplies on your back
Learn to do a handstand or pull up
Help coach your child’s sports team
Attend three aerobic or water fitness classes each week

Remember to...
Decide on a specific goal
Pick a goal date
Write it down and track the details
Work with a friend, family member or personal trainer
Break it into small targets
Incorporate other interests (photography, family-time, bird watching, your dogs, sight-seeing, volunteering)
Keep it simple
Have FUN!

Stupid Silly Girl

2010-03-18T02:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever put yourself into a situation that you knew most likely from the onset wasn't going to turn out well. Your sixth sense tried to warn you, but you pushed on without regard, because you had ulterior motives, or more often than not, in my case... lacked sound judgment.

Like that blind date I agreed to go on with a friend of a friend. I didn’t find him attractive, his car reeked of the early 80’s and three glasses of wine later he wasn’t any more charming. I guess I went out with him because I was bored and didn’t at the time have any better prospects... stupid, silly girl. As he drove me home at 185/mph (literally) with my nails dug into the arm rest, I just kept thinking please God don't let me die next to this moron.

And my little known secret of the time I decided to tie the knot in Las Vegas in the middle of the night... in a black dress. That should have been a clear omen right there... Definitely not well thought out, but we are all allowed at least one major lapse, aren’t we?

Then there was that time I went to an audition at a small artsy-fartsy theatre company in the Haight-Ashbury district. I nervously read cold from a script written by the company’s producer-director-playwright who was a too-full-of-himself ass, but I smiled and sucked up, hoping for a bit part. His lovely assistant though was literally my doppelganger... which must have given me false comfort.

I was hopeful that being kept so long engaged in uninteresting chit-chat (2-1/2 hours) meant I had impressed him with my acting abilities.... again, I was a stupid, silly girl.

At the end of my audition, he asked if I would be willing to pose nude for him... really... unbelievable, the nerve of this guy!?! He wanted to sketch me side-by-side with his assistant. Fine, whatever... as long as I got paid. I was a starving college student, who thought herself above the trappings of conventional modesty or clothing. Or at least I was trying to convince myself of that. Whatever the case, I really couldn’t afford principles that month so I agreed.

I returned a week later, by myself. (Now what was I thinking!?!?! I promise to teach my own daughters better than that.) And there was no lovely assistant this time... go figure? Just me and Mr. he-thinks-way-too-much-of-himself... alone together.

No windows were evident in the warehouse studio, no one could probably hear my screams through the brick walls, I didn‘t know where the phone was, none of my friends knew exactly where I was... (I’m shaking my head now in disbelief as I remember my stupidity... wondering what was going through my mind?? Very little obviously...) But at the time I was only slightly uneasy, and being a complete an idiot, I convinced myself all would be fine.

Mr. he-thinks-himself-a-big-shot asked if I was ready, feeling comfortable? I lied and said yes. He pointed out a small stage where I was to pose, which was strewn with pillows and blankets... a bit brothel-esk. I noticed that the stage was surrounded by three video cameras that he was fiddling with. Panic started kicking in.

I asked him if he was still planning to sketch me. Without looking at me, he asked if we had agreed upon $100 and I said yes... He stated that he wouldn’t pay anyone that amount to just sketch them. He only offered that much for video, so I must have misunderstood. I was going numb on the spot, legs locked in place... he kept fiddling with the cameras.

Finally, he showed me to a small restroom where I could undress. He offered me a robe. I closed the door behind me, and realized there was no lock. The walls didn’t even extend to the ceiling... it was just a cubicle of sorts. I kept trying to tell myself that I could do this... it was no big deal... I was way too uptight and everything was going to be fine.

Ultimately, something in me snapped back to reality, when he knocked on the door. I had the overwhelming feeling that I had to get out of there and quick. As my finger tips reached for the knob, he called out to me, asking if everything was ok. I lied again, saying yes.

After a few minutes of holding my breath, I warily opened the door and peaked out, his back was to me as he fiddled away with the cameras. Without hesitation, I walked quickly and as silently as I could toward the front door. Thankfully he didn’t look up from his work. I muttered almost incoherently that I had changed my mind and had to leave.

I didn’t look back or wait for a response. I hit the pavement running, digging through my purse for my car keys, hoping he didn’t pursue me. Two blocks away I fumbled my car door open, threw myself inside and frantically locked the door, breathing a deep sigh of relief. I didn‘t see him, but I wasn’t going to wait for him to appear. As I jammed the keys into the ignition and speed away, I cursed myself for being such a ninny.

Thinking you are invincible can sometimes be truly perilous. Having the attitude that ‘you can and should be able to do anything’ may drive your ambitions, but it can also cloud your reasoning. No fear coupled with no common sense... not a good combo, at least for me. In the past, I always seemed to land myself in situations that teetered on the edge of absolute recklessness.

Somehow I managed to survive, but not without scars. I’d like to think I have out grown all of this. That I actually think before I act, but I can’t be sure. Intellectually, I’ve got more street smarts, but emotionally maybe it’s the drama I crave when life gets mundane. Or maybe I let my feelings take over and rule my brain.

I do not see myself merely as a stupid, silly girl. I know that I am capable of making sound decisions on most occasions. Yet at times I still find myself abandoning reason for emotion and cringing at the consequences afterwards. At least the stupid, silly girl in me has learned how to laugh at herself, not taking it too seriously, especially when I live to tell about it. Invincible or not, I’ve managed to get through, so I suppose I can handle what ever else may come my way. Right? Right! Oh.... ever the stupid, silly girl...

12 Short Months

2010-03-15T02:41:00.000-07:00

I always carry a journal or notebook... to jot down nightly dreams, songs I want to put on my iPod, to-do lists, inspirations, goals, books I want to read, writing ideas... I just can't organized and hang on to all the thoughts in my brain, so a journal gets me off the hook.

BUT what happens when you lose your diary... hope the wrong person doesn't find it... definitely! Usually though, I know it is under or behind something, somewhere and I will eventually find it... or because I have more than one going at a time... I don't even realize it is missing... that's a bit scary...

I actually found a journal that I started about a year ago. It only had five entries in it and I don't remember not having it or looking for it. But when I reread it, I couldn't believe it had only been a year. I know I started it in January 2009 because I actually dated all the entries... clever girl.

The things I was writing about seemed to have happened a lot longer than a year ago. Why, because I am just so far from that point now... in terms of what I am doing, my goals, and how I feel and act each day. I am absolutely amazed at what can happen, change, resolve, dissolve... in 12 short months!

In the past, I spent way too much time wondering when things might be different.... waiting for something to happen. But over the past year, my life has transformed ... weird but wonderful. AND I like the differences, even if they are a bit scary and uncertain at times... I am proud of myself.... go figure?

I am definitely in a better place and I couldn’t have imagined all that has taken place since those entries. I guess perhaps that is the POINT... like Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe...

The BIG THING rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn’t even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee.

So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they’re going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.

Won’t be long, The Universe

Was I chilling for the last year... Doubtful! Being patient....me? Yeah right!! But I have opened my mind and heart, dropped my guard, and focused my positive thoughts, allowing my life to be what it was meant to be... even if I couldn’t foresee it.

I am where I am supposed to be... And who knows where I could be a year from now? The possibilities are wonderfully mind-boggling. So I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride... and buy a new journal.

Pursuing Happiness

2010-03-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

I am sure that you have heard me say it before, but if we aren't honest about who we are... to ourselves and others... if we live a facade... we can NEVER attain lasting fulfillment and happiness.

Fear is the principal motivator for our masquerades. We pretend to be something that we are not or we fail to reveal what is really in our hearts because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of judgement, fear we will not be forgiven, fear of anger or hostility, fear we will not be accepted or loved for who we really are.

Letting fear dictate our lives becomes habitual, a vicious circle that will only lead to resentment if we are found out. And we can expect nothing less than discontent in all aspects of our lives, if we cannot be honest with ourselves. Our relationships will continue to we superficial and unsatisfying, our ambitions will leave us empty, our dreams will remain out of reach...

Is that what any of us wants from our life? Living a life that only allows us to be half of what we are... substituting things for feelings, seeking approval instead of substance, grasping for accomplishment, instead of living fully, wholly, here and now...

I know that I don’t want a fragment or fraction of life. I don‘t want an existence that denies a portion of myself!

I want to experience the complete delight, bliss, elation life has to offer each day... even if it is coupled with pain at times. I am willing to accept offending others, if being true to myself brings unparalleled satisfaction and enjoyment. That is not to say I seek to purposefully hurt anyone, but I know from experience that anything less than the truth will not bring me joy. And in the long run, deception only results in more damage, hurt and distrust.

Over the last couple of months, my life has been turned on its head. It had been a work in progress, but it came full tilt in the last week. I was faced with the option of continuing to misinform someone very close to me or disclose the truth. I knew my admission would cause great pain and anger, possibly resulting in retribution and withdrawal.

In the end, I decided to divulge all. And it did cause deep pain, anger, moments of retaliation and a lot of withdrawal. I never set about to cause such anguish, but I made a decision not to deny what was most important to my present and future happiness in order to preserve the comfort of another person. And in all honesty, this ‘comfort’ was in and of itself a facade.... that had produced little joy for either of us over the last few years.

My confession removed a great weight from my shoulders. We are still working through the repercussions, but are actually closer than we have been in a long time. And he admitted to me that he admired my strength and respected the courage it took to be completely honest.

As I disclose my choice further to my family and friends, I know that I will be greeted with a certain amount of disappointment, anger and disbelief, and I accept this. For the most part though, I am sure the people who really know and love me will be accept my decision, and perhaps wish they too could take such a chance.

Even if I do not find what I believe awaits me, it will be a risk well worth taking. Not matter the outcome, I will not have failed. For the first time in my life, I am not living life in pieces. I am finally leaving fear behind to peruse happiness. Living fully, wholly, here and now.

The Power of Gratitude

2010-03-07T21:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we can find ourselves in a funk, where it is easy to look at the negative side of things, to focus on what we don’t have or what is wrong with our lives. This pattern of thinking, though, only holds us in this depressing spot and attracts more of what we are dwelling upon.

I find gratitude to be a powerful force to disperse with this mindset. Counting my blessings... Grateful thoughts help me focus on what is successful in my life, which in turn draws the positive energy of others me to and opens me to affirming experiences.

We each define our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs. If we see our life as not working, miserable, unhappy, THIS IS THE TRUTH. But if we believe we are abundantly blessed, we are. Expressing gratitude for our blessings reminds us of how lucky we are, actualizing our blessings even further, multiplying them, expanding them to all areas of your life.

I wanted to share ten things I love and am abundantly grateful for...

... my ability to love and be loved
... having such a wonderful family
... having so many terrific friends
... my health and fitness
... the fact that I get to take long walks and runs outside
... having such a fulfilling job as a personal trainer that allows me to help others
... the recent spring rain storms
... my home
... my Blog and Blog readers
... being creative and being able to write

I am truly grateful for all of this and more. I am blessed beyond measure.

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