A Life Uncommon

On death and dying

2012-05-21T02:23:00.002-07:00

Tonight was a holy night

We were called for days in heart to go to him. Tonight we did so. Our Uncle B. was dying. With family around the air was charged. He is in Hospice a non profit group that provides care for the dying.
Yet still I could hear him and he me for as I spoke he would respond. We sang some hymns and he responded although all but comatose. He was in that place between both realms. His shell no longer easy to response. Yet he could furrow his brow or raise a hand. He reached for me and for his daughter too when we rose.
With several of us there the love that filled that room was rich.
When at the 11th hour P.M., it was time for us to return homeward bound to tend our children. I said my gratitude of heart to him. Thanking him for the honor of the journey and telling him of the wonder and the gift of knowing an honorable man. Telling him not to be afraid or fear, kissing his cheek . Asking of him to remember Steve and I and the children when he is standing beside that thrown. I told him that I will see him on the other side.
For the only and first time of the evening...he whispered in front of three of his daughters.

"I love you.".

They heard it and saw his mouth move.I was honored to experience a special gift.

When his mother passed a special gift was also given me. It is a holy thing to touch the heart of the dying.

Our Dear Uncle B. is to the far right.

Peaceful flight dear friend.

Image take in 2004 at our Indian wedding

Myofacial Pain Syndrome

2012-05-08T16:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday the ortho surgeon expressed a possible diagnosis of a thing called myofacial pain syndrome. It differs from fibromyalgia (non inflammatory) due to the inflammation being a big factor. I will see the rhumitoligist. No surgery on shoulders. YA! He put me on steroids to temporarily dull the inflammation.

My immunologist also days pryer wants me to see a special rhumatoligist. He thought that perhaps I might be facing an issue with fibromyalga. I have an appointment with him on June 28, so until then I must do my best to endure the pains.
My Ortho doc sent me on to regular MD to manage the pains.
I saw my regular MD this morning and she started me on Lyrica a med that I had used after my knee replacement. I started the med to get the brain function to stop with the pain signals. I will need to begin therapy my left arm is now unable to lift up. It has become impinged.

The theory is that the brain is miss fire-ring and causing the muscles all over to go into spasm. That is the best I understand so far. The testing to rule out the big C will be done, but I am beginning to see relief it is a real gift. Although the joints show issues and damage the pain is out of balance as to what it should be for it. My shoulders both have non surgical issues as the wrist is still in limbo with a bone on bone issue. So after several joint appointments and MRI's this is what is deduced out of it all.

Sometimes it takes a ruling out of things. I do hope that the ruling out season is short for all of you dear hearts. That you will not suffer indignities. God is there, here in the midst of the suffering. In the midst of all.
Last year the same medication was given me under my knee surgery.It helped a lot then, perhaps it will again. Perhaps the Myofacial pain syndrome thing caused the intensity of the pain then and now.

All I have need of...

2012-05-05T21:45:00.002-07:00

As I oped the door to step out of the car my eye caught the glint of the coin. Then the penny beside the dime. The I AM, there speaking to me in our decades old way.

After we fetched Dove from her day with a friend we drove off toward our side of the city. We were along a freeway that passed old town Tempe. Casa Laveha, a building a century old houses the BEST steak house in town came to mind. Steve turned off the freeway as I was iffy about such an expense. Tomorrow is my Birthday. It was a gift to me.

As I think of that penny and dime reminding me of the wonder of God and His provision. No guilt, on.y gratitude and satiation. Staying true to my Eating for my Blood type, I took NO temptation to eat those old tasties that are so hard for my body to assimilate. Kind of empowering to walk into the discipline.

Between infusion today and the good prime rib supper I feel the strength returning to me. No potato or sour cream for me. I enjoyed a salad without dressing and asparagus. Club Soda and lime was so refreshing. After blowing out my candle Dove was given my ice cream treat. NO dairy for me. OH that horseradish was good. Everything eaten was on the list of beneficial for my type O-.

With a confrontation from my nurse I went ahead and took some of the left over pain medication from my knee. I have resisted any and at this point my left arm will not raise above my head without my other hand lifting it up and holding on to it to lower it. By taking one earlier I was able to enjoy the evening with my kids and husband. I will have on in me to try to grab a few hours sleep. I have been in a recliner/bed back and forth throughout many painful nights now. We also used benadril for the inflation. It puts me out to sleep but really seems to help.

The MRI went well on Friday. I'll be getting in as soon as I can. Dove and Dash have just ten more days of school. They are both on honor roll, I have done a real good job as coach for them and feel proud of the accomplishment. It has been hard work for all three of us. Best job in the world for me. Hard but wonderful.

CVID Not defineing who you are

2012-05-03T13:27:00.001-07:00

It was a wonderful service last weekend. A message on not being defined by diagnosis. That can be and has been a real challenge. I think I have had 18 infusions now over the last year and a half or so. It is now more normal in my life.
Facial Masking in public here in the US is not a common sight. It provokes stares. Having a 14 year old daughter is a heart breaker seeing her concern of being embarrassed.

I am not Common Variable Hypo-Immunoglobbulin, it is what I have. This road of courage to go back out into the public with such risk of illness seems to define me. It is how I respond to it perhaps better said that is my defining moment. HOW I respond to it.

My numbers are now in the safe range for three months. YA! Yet I do have the low IgA that puts me in harms way at any air borne illness, or ingested factor. NOT who I am? It is hard to have something that puts a need of special precautions.

"the girl with the mask", will that be the descriptor?

As I begin to venture out and be out in public more it falls on ME to take care of the needs and limitations of what I HAVE. It is not who I am. Who I am or will be is the woman who takes seriously the responsibilities to keep this vessel living and thriving.

It take 800 blood donations to draw off the plasma that keeps my month of infusion available to me. That is a huge debt of gratitude. The plasma is the clear stuff that floats to the top of a vial of blood. I get a 400 mg infused every four weeks. A six hour ordeal, attended to by a nurse. At the cost of $24,000 a month! My Insurance receives as per a deal and the wright off $4000. a month. This is a huge investment into LIFE, my life.

Who am I? One who is grateful. An artist, Mother, Wife, Keeper of the home and finance. I am a vivacious soul, full of life. A gardener on hold awaiting the relief from the limits of pain.

Living life with pain, it may or may not have parts effected by the CVID. Living in pain also tries to define me. It takes me to bemoan life at times. With what courage and endurance I face it...well that is WHO I am. That is who I choose to be.

I am full of life that will not be robed me! I will find ways to press on and into the truth of WHO I am. Not letting WHAT I HAVE take ME out. One way is through eating for my blood type. I am a type O- with the RH factor. So I will avoid those things my blood can not process and eat all of the things that will benefit me most through ease of assimilation. I will learn to love Kale and those foods that love me. Supplements can look like a meal, I will look at them as a starving man glad for the sustenance. Exercise will recommence once I get this next round of injections in my joins. I will not let the pain in my arms and shoulders stop me from doing what I love any longer, yet I will respect the limits imposed as to not bring on harm to mind body or soul by provoking more pain.

I will not let the enemy of my soul, heart and life lake me out! I will not through negligence comply toward my demise.

NOW THAT IS WHO I AM!

Just needed to see myself say so.

Gathering of Women

2012-05-03T12:54:00.001-07:00

Taking responsibility for our hearts and the heath of our souls can take courage. Knowing when it is time to reach out and risk fellowship can save us. When living in seclusion find you suffering, holding all of the stress within it can only last for a season. Constraining in courage holding on takes a tole on strength and endurance.

Reach out ask for fellowship, support or friendship tenaciously. Empower your soul as others hear the heart and share the burden lightening the load.

Standing in the place of love, being in the presence of the Divine love can build courage up. There in that presence fear can take flight as confidence replaces it. In that place we can gather, regardless of any effect toward judgement. Looking at that reflection of love, seeing as we are seen in the divine removes the threat.

Then we can sit together, seeing into other hearts peacefully.

There sat I last evening, today refreshed. No insecurity, for seeing my true reflection is all that matters. Hoping to be seen by others well that is the desire of every heart.

a pup will find a den to go hide in and lick it's wounds

2012-05-02T11:23:00.001-07:00

Good Morning'
Life is so full of opportunity. Some of them we would rather not have. There are always folks that have it worse off than we do. That is the thought that I often lean into to console myself. It is better than the alternatives of pain medications, drugs, booze or shop-aholism. It sure beats the idea of terminating the problem in a finality that leaves wake of the loved ones in our life being ruined. It is however as easily a fix to avoid the stress of living in pain.

To avoid speaking of the pains of these bodies we hold it in afraid that if we speak that we will sound like someone judged. Judged as everything other than just some soul in pain of body.

Speaking is important however, as I have recently had impressed upon me.
Last night I spoke, just saying it as it is to a safe friend. I feel lighter. My nurse confronted me that my voice has become strained with the frustrations created through the pursuit of getting the pain issues resolved. She encouraged me to speak about it. Holding in the effects, thoughts and loneliness of chronic pain is a real energy zapper right when one needs all the strength they can find.

She reminded me of the blog. How it helped to have others to speak things out too. This is the last topic. One that actually stopped my blogging. No one want to hear about the frustrations or pains of others.

My left arm is almost out of commission. An MRI will be scheduled on it now. The injections in my shoulders of three months back are fading. The injection on the left one never took because when he gave it he hit bone. It has been so many many months of pain. The injection helped my right shoulder. A Partially torn rotators cuff, well as the doc explained it the bone is crushing the tendon that goes over the top of my shoulder.

My left wrist was to be cared for but after all the work and wait to get in, three visits, a run of steroids, then two injections it is little better. The P.A. will not let me get through to the specialist. I am going to another hand specialist, starting at ground level again! At least I have the MRI on it showing the issue. Three things, a hole in the cartilage, inflammation of tendons and bone on bone on the back of my hand. That may need to be fused.
This is a cascading issue with my low back, and foot also in pain.
Sounds like whining! I am in PAIN. No whine just an exhalation of a constrained breadth. As I hold my breadth in pain.

Woke up without the searing pain, rather stiff and moderate pain, but better than it was in my shoulder.
Thanks to Steve and the kids putting the reclining chair in our bedroom. It really helped me through the night.
It has been a busy morning here. The Pharmacy called for the order regarding the infusion, then after two intense emails from Becca's teacher she called. Spoke at length with her and settled stuff amicably. (no stress here:) ha!
So 9:30 and we are on a role.
Dove could still get honor roll with B's. So the plan for her for the rest of the year is set. Dash is set as well. They will both graduate honor roll.

Thought I would try my hand at some interest today, there are so many dishes and tasks begging attention too. Better pull up the muster and begin.
I think of you I have walked away from in all of this. It is me not you.
I think of how a pup will find a den to go hide in and lick it's wounds.
Loving you so, Donetta

watching the times for simplicity

2012-04-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

These are the best days of my life. Each morning my son greets me. The school days this week are short and the lessons are no self directed on line. They are so independent compared to years past. We have worked until eleven each morning then rested and finished up chores until we leave for the civic center to do the A.I.M. standardized testings. The children are both confident each day and show no test anxiety all all! Dove is in a special small group setting that I set up with the school under her 504 or special needs contract. That is working out wonderfully. The first day was a challenge but all that melted away and she is so happy to have the special setting.

The day is simple, sitting around for several hours awaiting the completion each day. Each hour the school year wines down and the days of sleeping in or playing all day get closer. Our chores are light for we have worked well to lighten our loads. Household chores are so much easier now. We have spent the last year removing extras that were just shifted from place to place. Donations to charity have lifted our daily work load. Less to take care of is a wonderful thing. We have the life, chickens, rabbits (2 babies) and our dear dog.
Our garden is not heavily planted right now just a few tomato plants, blueberries that is about it.

We all spend time with art, writing and just relaxing. We have found a new church and so with the beginnings of new relationships we are devoting time to family. My children will be grown in the flash of a star. Walks in the evening listening to Doves heart is the wealth of the ages. We are home bodies, just loving each others company. It is our home that we are equipping to be our refuge and fortress, our safe place in the times of the coming storms. It is our relationships that we are investing every ounce of heart, mind and soul in. These are the simply riches the priceless treasure that nothing can replace. My husband and I are trying to escape together each week to just rest without interruption. Even a short trip to the store or a ride in the car any opportunity we get.

I am looking into getting a few things like yard games for the summer at home. Public pools or day trips are other options. We will make efforts to save up for those.

It is with a struggle and efforts of heart mind and soul that my physical being is tended too. I falter in this but weight loss and strength gaining is a greet gain in my sights.I still stress overeat, but my mind is fixed to learn and practice better tools. My health is priceless as is the health of my family. This is important to us that we work on health for all of us. Dietary needs and physical needs are at focus. Making sure we are all healthy and staying healthy through good nutritional care. That has been my other big focus in my parenting of self and children as well.

I am happy, our children are happy. My dear husband has daily frustrations with a horrid software program at his work, but other than that his heart is happy and content. We are in love and loving each other.

Watching the signs of the changing times

2012-04-18T11:15:00.002-07:00

A moment WOW! Few of them these days.

Over the last few months my efforts are split between home school and the economy.

We have been on a long term financial goal. This spring we have entered into the next phase of it with successful results. Maybe this just might inspire others to watch out and get out of the way of the changes coming to our nation.

We sold the camper this spring and were able to enter into phase one. Getting rid of property that is a liability. It is a liability in that the time will come when you will not be able to sell. No one will be able to buy much cash will be strapped so tight. For us we owned it free and clear but the cost of travel and the efforts of doing camp trips had become an issue. With our forest being fuel for fire season the thought of the selling was at issue. With decidedly open palms I let go of my cabin on wheels. I spent the day detailing it and even putting new elastic in the valences to make it look prettier than it ever had.

It was a choice with benefits.

We met the most wonderful little family who now have the camper and will use it well.

We used the funds to purchase a little Saturn car. It gets 23 miles per gallon.

Here it is...

a 1996! Yes 1996!

We woke up at 4a.m. and drove 50 miles away to a retirement community to get it. We had been searching for a Honda Accord or a Civic. The Honda cars on Creigs list were being flipped, purchased on day and resold the next. Over and over we were there to buy a car and it was sold out from under us.

We knew somewhere inside that it was for our good, but it was very frustrating.

Then we saw the add for this one. The owner had just passed away and the heir was in town to sell and close out the estate. We met him just before sunrise.

This car had been garaged, use very little. Reported to be a good investment in all the research I had done. It was said to be right up there with the Honda Accord except not as lush inside.

Our Accord is a nicer car for long trips. The Saturn is more of a basic car. So easy to park compared to the Pick up truck.

Now look at this! 50,000! original miles, remember it is a 1996! It cost $35. to register for 2 years. The insurance is less than half of the truck. No longer is the trailer costing us the $50 a year to insure and $40 a year to register. We got the Saturn for $3600. The left over change from the camper registered it, insured it for a year and took us all out to dinner. It also purchased me some much needed new clothing.

Next up on the list.

The Silverado was sold to a wonderful young man who with the help of his father earned and purchased his first vehicle. It was a wonderful experience. The mom knowing that her son was wrapped in a tank of a truck felt so happy to see him get it.

The truck had grown hard for me to drive for the rotators cuff issues and my wrist. It is a relief not to have to fill that tank anymore. Thus $$$ big savings in fuel. Big savings in INSURANCE, REGISTRATION cost as well. No more vehicles in the driveway either. The Saturn is now garaged, cool for us to get into.

With the proceeds of the truck we replaced our 25 year old refrigerator with this high end, best rated by consumer reports unit. I love it! It is so much easier for me to use. No more pain in my back from having to bend at the hip (remember the total knee replacement).

It has 2 ice makers, a special Loyalls exclusive.

We have never had an ice maker before what a wonderful new tool!

The other old one from the garage was picked up and we were sent a $30 check in the mail. My other kitchen one replaced the side by side in the garage.

We moved the shelving and freezer down. Now the garage is next up. With the camper out of it we will be fixing it up for a shop for Steve and a place for a future men's group perhaps. The only down side is the loss of a truck. We decided we could always rent one or even borrow if need be. It is the first time in our married life we do not have a four wheel drive truck. We will be fixing up the other side of the garage, continuing to sell or give away excess possessions. The little Saturn fits nicely.

Letting go we were able:

to cut our auto insurance in half
cut our auto registration by 2/3
save and set aside one months income
reduce our fuel budget by over $100 a month
replace our old refrigerator for a low energy use unit that is 5 cubic feet larger than the old one
open up our space for a useable work shop
gain peace in the goal one step closer to it
a garaged vehicle come 100*+ summer
easier to drive car
two ice makers! :) We use a lot of ice here. Every day we would fill the trays. It was the topic of much annoyance for the Daddy man.

Our 30th Wedding Aniversary Trip

2012-03-26T15:47:00.001-07:00

The children spent the night over at the homes of friends so we woke loaded and drove. Stopping for breakfast at Jomba Juice for a healthy start. We arrived at the Verde River Valley Railroad Depot just in time to sign in and get refreshed before boarding.

We waited in the warm sun with many others. This trip we splurged for 1st class seats. This included our lunch and water. Our tab was covered in part as a gift from our steward. She wished us happy Anniversary.

It was a wonderful day for the trip. Warm and pleasant. IT was just so nice to be on our own a while.

After the two hour ride into the canyon lands we are taken back via the engine shifting track and then going to the end of the line of cars to pull us back.

We saw one bald eagle in flight and a few blue herons. VERY little wild life.

We enjoyed the tunnel as do most folks. We traveled back to the depot and then drove on into Sedona proper an hour away. We got our hotel room up on the plateau where the airport is. The next morning early am we were picked up at the hotel by the pilot and off we went to get the other passengers. The tall woman in pale pink was a wonderful gal named Mae. She taught special needs adults, and the pilot ad adopted so to speak a 50 year old relative after her caregiver died. Our kind of folks.
We all pitched in and even though our group was delayed by the little family we were first up.

We held up the fabric as the air filled it. Then the air was heated.

IT was so exciting and wonderful the share this time together. The roar of the fire was load.

We had a Champagne toast with OJ, bear claw pastry and strawberries with cream. Fun to watch these rough men serve.

After a nice nap and breakfast at the airport we were set for a nice mile hike into the West fork of the canyon. I did great! My new knee served me well. It finally gave a gripe after several times across the creek. We stopped at that point and turned around but I did it!

This bridge was built a few years back. They put in a parking lot and charge ya now. Years back it was so much sweeter to find wilderness on our own terms.

This is part of the old estate that was there in the 1920's. There is an old apple orchard and several out buildings.

This cave we think was for food storage. Used to be local folks came here and hung out . Mostly kids.

Well there was still a little snow deep into the canyon. The end of the trip was Saturday we had a wonderful supper of Chinese Egg Fu Yong. We were delighted to find quality supper. My kids are just finishing school at the moment.

It was so wonderful to have a rest together. Time to take each other in arm and just stop for two days all the stress and high pressure. It was so good for us.

We sold the camper and purchased a Saturn for good gas millage. We have our truck up for sale right now with two coming tonight to see it. We hope it sells. With the 1996 Saturn having only 50,000 original miles on it we feel so happy. IT looks like a 2006 in condition it was garaged. We awoke at 4a.m to drive a 100 mile round trip to Sun City West ( a retirement community). We drove off with it at 6 am for $3600.! It will only cost 35. to register for two years and the insurance on it is exceedingly low. IT is said to get 30-40mpg. Our living cost will continue to be influenced. That is our goal to live as inexpensively as possible. We have been really accomplishing a lot with a sound budget.

Thus we were able to have enough saved for our wonderful trip together. Memories and adventure.

The good news of the day is NO surgery on my right shoulder. A partial rotater cuff tear that will get managed with exerciser and shots every three months. No news yet on my wrist. The MRI on it is tomorrow. IT showed a need for fusion of a bone in my hand and the soft tissue will show up on the MRI.

These last few months.

2012-03-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

In the Yard and Garden:

Planting of 4 trees

Blueberry bushes

Tomatos

Bell peppers

Cucumbers

It is a far harder thing to do with the shoulder issues so few gardening projects for me, just enough to cushion the grocery budget through summer.

The wildflower bed in the front is very pretty with lots of bachelor buttons.

On Education:

Third Quarter grades

Five to six days a week at least 5 hours a day and my dream of giving an education to the children has been hard won. Dash will continue next year and want to attend Jr High, Dove wants to return to Jr. High next year.
My hopes for a firmer foundation are being met.

I have been earning a new skill in my beading now I am able to better knot and string.

Around the house:

LAUNDRY

Letting go of clutter and passing it on gives space to the bikes.

Just trying to keep up

Parenting:

My days are full of school, fixing three meals a day from scratch and being available to the kids and my husband.

Adoption day 14 for Dove

Dash had his 11^th birthday yesterday.

It was a different more mature day. All these many years of making a party and spending a budget on that was changed to all of the budget onto one item. His desire an Itouch, not a phone but a tool for filming and correspondence/media.

Happy Child. The sweet Grandparents took the children out to lunch yesterday and I dashed up to the grocery and purchased a small cake. Due to my arms making one was not doable. The injections the afternoon before left me far too tender.

Big sister get to share her knowledge for she had one given to her last year for Christmas. All I do mean all kids these days have phones. Mine DO NOT. We much prefer to have the control over contacts and do without incurring monthly bills. I do not even have a cell. We really hate any bills except what must be to have utility and mortgage, insurance.

Daddy Man set up the new tool

It was hard to allow such an expensive item but we kept to the limits. It was wonderful to see Dash so happy and not begrudge his choice to forgo a party (I had to buy a small cake :)

Boundaries have been a huge focus in the training of the last 3 months. My desire is well able young adults, functioning as successful independent people. We are really focusing on responsibility and reality thinking. When you throw a ball up it will come down and one must consider what they will do about catching it or letting it get away to be lost.

The things of the spirit:

For the last several months my spirit has been healing the wrongs done me during the knee replacement. Those feelings left me in a real struggle filled with anger and pain. I really felt that God had abandoned me, or had asked just too much of me. Endurance is a hard thing. One day I will understand when comforting another where only those experienced intimately could. I think that perhaps the pain medication might of actually been stolen by employees. It is a common issue in nursing homes.

Health and self care:

Shots in each shoulder two days ago allow me to sit here and type a while. Although still tender the level of pain has resided significantly. Avoidance of any further surgery left me all but lame in both arms so pain was insistent and tasks stacking up. I was under the false understanding that no further cortisone injections were available that my limit had set me up to have corrective surgery as the next step. So for several months unwilling to go there I have been in pain unable to do much that required me upper body strength. The surgeon has ordered an MRI and surgery will occur on my right shoulder eventually, but today my pain is greatly improved! Bless GOD!

Creative outlets:

Sun catcher

Mixed media, those are beads (of course) for the back ground. Sorta starry night image. I have yet to do the highlight in the eyes.

My heart is my offering.

I have been working on a painting for our anniversary as a gift to my husband.

This is so fun for Dash and his buddy. Imagine two 5th grade boys loving pix-elation the precursor of pointillism.

Keeps the iron hot every day.

Relationships:

Our 30^th anniversary is in two weeks and we will get to go on holiday.

The children have sleep over’s every other weekend. My house is most often full of children making U tube videos’. They have such fun writing scripts and filming each other.
All of you have been so neglected as has my writing been. Just dealing with the levels of daily pain , slowed by it, I have all I can do to tend to each day. Now that my shoulders feel a lot better due to the injections I have been able to type! However I should stop soon.

Last night Dove and I spoke until well after midnight. She opened her heart up. Best hours spent listening.

Finance and Budgets:

We much prefer to have the control over contacts and do without incurring monthly bills. I do not even have a cell. We really hate any bills except what must be to have utility and mortgage, insurance.

Taxes are done! YA!!!!

We have been saving for our two day stay in Sedona AZ, a Hot Air balloon ride over the red rocks. We were able to match a goal for Dash and gave him a gift that excluded any party. The amounts spent in times past were not too different. We are now partially retired, well at least the checks will come monthly on our years past employer. It really will help us to have a little ease raising the kids into the teen years.

Goals ahead:
In May we hope to have enough saved up for a new refrigerator. My current one is 25 years old! Still works but it is hard on my back to bend now that my knee is now able to be knelt on. We hope to get one with the freezer on the bottom.

Mariage Monday:

2012-02-19T22:19:00.000-08:00

Husbands love your wives, likewise wives honor your husbands sums it up.

It is the OFFICE of husband/wife we are to submit too not the person. Those offices hold high duty and due diligence to responsibility.

When a husband loves as we ought be loved,
submission that is religiously or legalistically based has NO place in a holy union.

Love as defined in deferring to one another becomes rule without those sharp edges and corners.
We are covered under his LOVE, submitted to HIS protective kindness. A loving man will want all of the beauty and strength a righteous wife has to offer. He desires her empowerment as his helpmate. When a 'man' is unrighteous this then can become a tool to harm he wants some slave, or subjective subservient girl.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

A husband must be worthy of respect to obtain it. To me the command to the husband is, to be respectable.

It is far more desirable to live able to respect our mates, it is then that deferring to them is compelled through trusting in them.

Please join us for Marriage Monday on Feb. 20, 2012. Here's your chance to tell us what you’ve learned about submission in Christian marriage.

I know that for some women, this is a particularly challenging topic. If you're uncomfortable with this one, no worries. Feel free to take a pass this time around.

However, if you’re ready to dive right in—but stumped as to how to begin—you might consider selecting one of the following writing prompts.

1. Define the Greek word for submission, "hupotasso" [hoop-ot-as-so].
2. Tell us a story. Show how your submissive attitude blessed your husband on a specific occasion.
3. Expound this biblical passage: Ephesians 5:22-33.
4. Discuss what the Bible has to say about submission outside of marriage e.g. to bosses, political leaders, and other authorities.

Or, you can cover this topic from whatever angle the Spirit leads.

See you at Chrysalis on Monday!

Blessings,

e-Mom ღ
http://chrysaliscafe.com

This and that

2012-02-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

The three of us (four if you count the dog) are cozy this morning doing school. The lessons of vocabulary, spelling and literature filled the last hour. We normally break at 11 for time to be physical and silly before lunch.

This weekend the garden had a makeover to accommodate the cop being used to block the hens from the garden area. It is coming time to plant for the spring crop. The four of us worked together to make it happen. The side yard also was cleaned even though the kids gave a strong effort it is not perfect but much better than it was.

Infusion was Saturday and the kids both had sleep overs. My dear nurse gifted us a female canary for our dear Steward. Her name will be Stella. She also was so generous and gifted me a platter for the hutch. Really pretty one with inscription of Flowers. It felt like Christmas.

This morning fatigue is really hitting me. I feel as if I could close my eyes and sleep would descend post haste. While teaching all stimulants are avoided. It causes frustrations to come into tempers. Best to be sleepy and hang in there.

Have a wonderful day

Another week of online school

2012-02-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

We are getting the swing of things here. The independence is beautiful! They are growing in so many many abilities. We had one very hard day where I was almost ready to throw in the towel but like any good mom I endured the test. Oh boy was I tested.
With a kid that has so many lingering special needs Dash pushed me to the point that on Tuesday after the dentist ( a new $$$ crown) I did not want to even come home for a few hours. I stayed out and grocery shopped and walked around a book store for a long calming while.
When I returned it was all honeymoon with him and has been ever since. We ended the week on a good note.

Infusion tomorrow so I am dragging some. Sleep eluded me until after 3 a.m. last night.

Dove has her first dance tonight or rather this afternoon at the Jr High. In just an hour and a half she needs to be dressed and out the door. Dash has a probable sleep over tonight. So it will just be Steve and I in the morning when my nurse Ashley arrives. She is bringing my sweet Steward the canary a mate for free. Ashley's Mother has a few extra females. This may endear Stewey to us for he can rip the flesh off your eardrum if given a chance.

God Provides

the principle said Dove could attend
a bird perhaps we will call her Stella
grapefruit, lemons, tangelos
a 35 pound bag of dog food, note that the bags have now become 29pounds at the same price.
flowers in the yard
endurance
Buy one get one shoe pair half off. A child got a new pair of shoes and was startled that she could get them. This was a friend of Dove's. Her face when I said I would cover her...priceless. Two 14 yr old with new shoes, best friends receiving at the same time. It felt so good to be able to do it.

Boundry Training of Children

2012-02-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

Greetings to you with hopes that you are enjoying a pleasant day.

Days here are full of many lessons. When you teach your children it is often you who learn the lessons. The kids are kids with hearts needful to be taught where they begin and end. I am reading and implementing Boundaries For Kids by Cloud. It is a core character development study. With boundaries we can thrive to become quality adults full of love in action. I was raised with few examples of boundary. When they were taught often it was a imposed rigidity that was way too far over to the swing of abuse.
Without boundaries a life is left with these types of difficulties;

Inability to say no to hurtful people or set limits on hurtful behavior from others
Inability to say no to their own destructive impulses
Inability to hear no from others and respect their limits
Inability to delay gratifications and accomplish goals and tasks
Struggles with intimacy and maintaining closeness with others
Inability to be honest with those they are close to
Inability to confront others and resolve conflicts productively
Experiencing life as a victim instead of living it purposefully with a feeling of self-control
Addictions and compulsions
Disorganization and lack of follow through

As you can imagine it is a time that love has to be pulled up from my toes. Patience is stretched so far as to make every effort to overcome my lack of training. I must teach myself boundaries as I implement them into my children's lives. Parenting must be intentional if we are to change.
These questions must be asked

How do I teach boundaries to children
How do I enforce my own boundaries with my children in appropriate ways?
How can I ensure that my children will not have the problems with boundaries that I have had?

This is the beginning of my study on intentionally teaching my kids to have sound boundaries. A foundation has been poured many stones set as our kids are partly grown now the building not only needs repair, it needs major improvements.

What better gift to the world than to offer children intentionally raised to be healthy adults able to practice where they begin and end.

Inherited Common Variable Immunodeficiency CVID and suffering

2012-01-26T09:36:00.000-08:00

A comment was left on my post "Inherited Common variable immunodeficiency (CVID)":

my 22 year old cousin died recently from his cvid complications, Yes I am sad for this loss but I am also confused, Why him and not me. This bit by bit dying, tumors being removed spinal surgeries, nasal procedures, and all the drugs,,,, enough is enough I wish I had the balls to end this horrific life,

This was a no-reply comment so not being able to email you my hope is to reach out.

Not knowing if you might read this or not my heart is for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin. I am so sorry for your suffering. The pains of surgeries and nasal wounds to heal. All the side effects of the drugs having challenges of personality changes that can just leave you in tears. A shell of yourself, the real you left hiding inside often in shame. It is a shame that is undeserved.

All of you who have been reading here brace yourself for truth. Yep, I suffer daily and have so for many years. Waking this morning and reading my guest note on the weight of it had a strange effect. You see although the suffering be a part of my life at times it seems it has 'become my life'

it is life however. .

I asked for life.
A couple of weeks before before my diagnosis standing in the shower I knew I was dying. With pneumonia and bronchitis not responding to medications. My strength slipping from me I knew that my days were numbered. For 40+years I had endured the humiliating of testing and suspicion that follow undiagnosed CVID . That was in addition to all the illness and pains. Life limited by odd issues that gave to me a cloud of hypochondria. Even those closest to me began to wonder. That was a great suffering of indignity.
CVID is all about suffering yes, it is a pain covering our soul, spirit and body.
Diagnosis is at the very least a chance to gain out of all of this lifetime of physical and emotional loss a bit of dignity.

I wish and pray for the courage to live this life. Just last night I had shared how I was tempted to feel the way my commenter had expressed. It is courage to live that I need. I am glad that the 'balls' to end it have eluded me. My shoulder is almost frozen up now and it has to be faced. Surgery is inevitable and I need the courage to face it. Then I need courage to face more physical therapy. In 2008 at the Neuro hospital they said that IF I have MS it is in its mildest form. Well now everyday getting up out of a chair often accompanied by a whimper that can slip out before I can stop it. My kids see me in pain, my kids know me in pain, but my kids know me.
Reading that statement about wishing the courage to 'end it all', helps me to remember it is courage to live through it all that I must pray for.
My total knee replacement has been so VERY painful that I even forgot how bad it was before surgery. I have to trust that my shoulder will recover surgery and my heart will meet that challenge too. This year has been new for last year was long and hard. I'll see if this painful movement issue is just Fibromylasia or perhaps a side effect of high counts. Joints get attacked with CVID and so it is.
I think of the woman of 50 who is out there young and vibrant full of activity and I admire her. What is must be like to have energy and strength. Mine was amazing for a season. Missing the ability to garden or do heavy activities without measuring and budgeting what must get done against a wish list of things that need to get done. Independence became asking a lot for help, that too takes courage.

Dear Nancy I now that 'wishing for the guts to end it all' is a thought in the mist of the suffering, I have had it or thoughts like it from time to time. I think dear lady it is the guts to live through it that we have to be begging for. This is hard and you are hurting the losses around you. My own sister died undiagnosed and that is how I came to my own diagnosis after so many years. I miss her and am angry and hurt over her suffering into her end. Grieving this condition daily faced with blows of illness and pain never lets it ease. Don't let us give in and give over into the exhaustion of it all. Perhaps being there to comfort others helps us. There is the Primary Immune Foundation to reach too as well. I have done little of reaching out but after attending the conference I felt so much less alone in it.
I know it is hard, you understand that? Yet lets fight for the 'balls' to live through it with our dignity. CVID can not be allowed to take that away from us. I need you to fight for the courage to LIVE remember we need each other. You strengthen me by reminding me to ask for the courage to live. I thank you for that today.

I pray for my family and husband who has to help me more and watch me suffer. I pray for my friends who have lost me into the vortex. It is as though this has left me holding strings to manage and so few of them.
LIVING with CVID

Marriage Monday

2012-01-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

Please Complete These Sentences

I am…..and it is wonderful to be
I want…..this day and the one that follows
I have…..life, purpose, love
I wish…..for more life to delight in the beauty of those faces that surrounding me
I hate…..to hate, rather I desire understanding and tolerance
I miss…..those who have gone on before me
I fear…..inappropriate fear and its destructive force.
I feel…..content, exhilarated
I hear…..click and clack of my Labradors’ paws on wood floor
I smell…..hope, fresh sweet promise of a clean home
I crave…..a cup of coffee and a slice of toast
I search…..for knowledge wanting to gain understanding hoping to respond to life with wisdom.
I wonder…..how many years I’ll have
I regret…..years of self distain where compassion would much better of served me
I love…..the freedom of forgiveness being able to place the heart before the actions
I ache…..over the suffering we have endured throughout our lifetime
I care…..and that makes me who I am
I always…..think the best of and am for and not against others
I am not…..a waste of breath
I believe…..I am loved by God
I dance…..when I remember to love being in love with my maker
I sing…..like the trees dance
I cry…..like the wells of earth, deeply and mainly when I am feeling loved
I don’t always…..look like who I really am
I fight…..for my heart
I write…..for my posterity
I never….wanted to be so hindered as to hinder others
I listen…..when I remember who I am
I need…..to remember
I am happy…..being

Morning home schooling

2012-01-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

We have a routine. Finally it begins to press out. Lots of wrinkles with computer issues and book errors. Today is a new day. The first where it is more like it will be each day. Kids up at 8-8:30 dishwasher emptied, chickens fed, dog fed and computers on warming before 9 a.m. Kids fed as in actually making it with me getting the ingredients out for themselves. All is well this morning and no fuss.
This is a process and it is now becoming smooth.
Dove is doing great as is Dash. The last semester ended with Dash on honor roll. Dove has tested out at an 11th grade reading level. With the higher levels of seventh grade algebra being a math of reading; she will show good improvement now we trust.

As a bouncing ball I am at a beck and call to each child. Dove in in the office so walking has increased substantially for me. It is a good thing for my knee is needing the activity, however it gets to be a long afternoon and a tired evening hour. Like a young woman it is a labor of love, it may perhaps even keep me young longer.
Many changes have been made to accommodate the lifestyle. This lifestyle however has also made many wonderful opportunities. The children and I were able to take Monday off to attend a K12 sledding event in the high country. After a long four hour drive we arrived in Pinetop, AZ.

We stopped here to put on a layer of clothing of socks for the temp had come down below 30*

I was very hesitant to drive up the cinder pit road so I walked it with cane in hand first. Dash was poorly behaved and took off up the road without us. After walking up to the cinder pit I was given a lift back to the truck. The snow was almost to the axle, powder snow. There were only three vehicles up there and one back at the road a real low turn out of folks. Only one other family from the valley. Not too surprising given the economy and fuel costs. I had saved up in the budget to give the kids a chance to see the snow. It was a real disappointment for within 45 minutes we had to be packed back up to leave. The event ended at 3p.m., but this was not told to me. All I knew was it started at 1p.m.. Due to a bad turn that left me backing up 1/4 of mile on a snow packed tree lined path we arrived at 2:10p.m.. Being alone without a cell phone staying was not an option. I offered up some hot cocoa to the folks for the camp stove came along with us. So the other family stayed until the hot coco was heated on my tail gait. My kids each had only four runs down the hill. They were covered in powder snow, fresh fallen just the day before. Then they waited while the kids got back into our truck. We all pulled out at 3:33p.m.. The sun set was due at 5:30, in the high country it chills fast. When we left it had dropped to 17*in a hurry.

My two kids saw this courageous woman drive 4-5 hours one way up into the Northern mountains of Arizona almost to New Mexico. It was fun to spend long hours with the children sharing knowledge. I had been reading about Native American Wisdom. This I spoke of for hours with them.Then a 5 hour drive home.

As you can see the snow was pristine.

The truck is parked down on the road here the drive into the cinder pit is to the right behind the yellow sign. Snow had fallen the day before. 18 inches of powder that I had no intention of being on alone.

On the way down we saw a sunset on the Moggioon Rim. White snow with black shadowed trees against a vivid rose/orange sky. IT was so beautiful. We stopped in Overgaurd for a restroom break and down the mountains platou we drove. At one point two cars were stopped on the road ahead of us. Two elk were just off the side of the road, as we slowed to a standstill the other cars were driving off. We saw the elk with the full fur on the neck. They were so beautiful. Of course it was all eyes to the sides of the road all the way through that section. Sunset is the crossing time for elk.

Now today we work and tomorrow we work on school, tasks and such.

It is a wonderful life.

When you have need...ask

2012-01-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

Daddy man came home with a load of lemons today. He had taken the children (plus one) over to a nearby empty dirt lot to film and shoot the air soft guns. A woman spoke over her back yard wall and offered lemons to him. He delighted that "his wife loves lemons" and picked what she offered.
Now just the day before yesterday I saw them for 3/$1 and they were small. I was shopping and stopped in thought at the shopping list and asked God for some.

Simple syrup is a staple in my refer. So within 5 minutes lemon aide for the family. They all were amazed at the fast offering. So after an hour or so we had another batch of simple syrup, lemon juice for recipes, lemon zest to freeze and more drink for the afternoon.

...and yes, a sink yet full of beautiful pesticide free lemons. To zest a store bought lemon is a no no for the wax and such is a rich poison of sorts concentrated in the rind.
After washing, air dry, zest and let the lemon rest to dry a little and it will be much less slippery to juice.

Use this for pie, curd and also recipes for chicken or fish.

The lemon juice is in a spray catchup re-purposed container and the zest is in a dispenser made from an infant/toddlers snack container. A pinch at a time is easy. When frozen the zest will be a dryer texture. Do not press it into the container and it is easy to pinch.

The last several weeks have been full of these wonderful offering.

A book I needed was on shelf with the invoice accidentally left inside. The manager gave it to me from the online site, used her id and it came to me at 2/3 costs. Again I had prior asked for the very book.

We needed some binders and such for the kids home school. When at the Jr High withdrawing Dove I was able to purchase at a greatly reduced cost and support the school at the same time.

We were also blessed at years end with a wonderful Christmas. It would have been a much different type of holiday had I not opened up to be willing to ask the Jr High if we qualified for reduced lunches. The $20 a week was too rich. Although we did not qualify we were called and sponsored a bit. IT was strange and humbling to accept. Being the one who receives is much different than giving.

Ask for your needs
Your Father knows what you have need of. Asking humbles us and Lifts HIM up. We all need to be needed even God

Good Morning

2012-01-05T07:09:00.000-08:00

Well hi there
Happy New Year!
Everything is awesome here just really crazy. Dove has come home to do on line school so it is a time of huge transition. She is doing all the prep testing. With paperwork to in roll and like wise withdraw every moment is well used up. We are also setting up the ymca k12 time it is a 12 hour attendance a week with at most 9 to 1 ratio at the Tempe y just 5 miles away. This is free to the kids as it will give time with other kids and me work out time for my membership will be at a reduced cost.
I have been speaking to a lawyer and I do not qualify for the disability. One must work for 5 out of the last 10 years. It is an issue at 65 that I will fall under Steve's s.s .
Teaching will be a good 6 hours or so work for me with prep time and such. We are so happy the kids are doing so well. School started on Tuesday.
Allergy shots went well on Monday now that I got off of the meds for my back. I can not do both. My back is better so that is good too.

Doing this with sleeping issues he must not have woke me.

We moved the freezer out to the garage and got rid of the other refer. I LOVE having my window back it was a huge task. Still have a tree to get down.

We start our day at 8-8:30 and school from 9-2 or so. The lunch break is watching science or history documentary

On line home school, virtual corriculum

2011-12-31T10:48:00.000-08:00

This was a wonderful morning to start a day with. Maple brown sugar muffins for all.

With the start of a new year comes a start of a new semester. Last semester Dash was here with me doing his online K12 5th grade. He passed with HONOR ROLL! Dove was at the Jr High her grades were good too. A's and B's mostly with one C. That one A in math was very hard won with a promise of being able to do an elective this next semester. She however was still not allowed to do one and has once again two math classes assigned. This is a class with another student tutoring her.

Dove came to me asking once again about K12. Once before we all but had the registration complete and her girl friend talked her out of it. This time she is VERY serious. Dove will get some sound testing next week to get a proper base point to her math abilities. This will be so good to give her a nice strong foundation she does not have at this time. I showed her all about her duty and responsibilities if she stays home and she wants to do it. She was accepted and will begin on the second. To my amazement I am so HAPPY! We will be doing full time school the three of us at a good 5 hours a day. I will have added duty but added freedoms as well. We will look into the YWCA membership as we become able. This giving opportunity for extra alternative classes and exercise for all of us.

Once again I will be full time homeschooling both of my children. This thrills me. It is a lot of hard work and takes great patience to do. The added curriculum right at hand, books delivered gives a wonderful ease to it. The best of both worlds for us. We will have the AIMS testing off site in the late spring.
Even with the hardships of the knee replacement we finished out this semester well. Now that I understand the process and know how to do all the tasks required for attendance and daily plans it will be a lot easier. I am so startled at how VERY happy I am.

december update

2011-12-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

;

The year has filled up and finished out with best friends in Jr High for Dove. Semester finals for both kids. Dash with his K12 home school distance computer classes we worked real hard. I say we for it is a good 5 hour job for me each day and then some. I suppose it need not be but we take education very seriously around here. They both finished off well, Dash had an extra three days of winter break.

This is my favorite coffee creamer and coffee gets me through may a long mornings around here. Insomnia is a mainstay with all the medications that are detoxed within four months four medication one was done twice. Pain a way of recovery for my knew knee and back issues. Naproxin in my 4th week now to avoid injections in my spine. The steroids are not good for my immunity.

Decorations were few this year for exhaustion have really left Steve and I as minimalist.

Alas you know we must all get ready for that fat red man who brings us free stuff and steals all of our cookies. That is Doves description her humor is sweet but stands corrected with the heart of what Santa was all about.

We had Dash's Adoption day number 10 on the 13th. It was a huge splurge but his heart to go out to a Carl's Jr fast food. Good grief what a rip off of ones cash. We just watched and rejoiced in his celebration. His heart mattered more.

A wreath at the door was all the welcome for the lights were too much this year. I know it is only four months out from my new leg but it seams an eternity. We are regaining strength. This break from teaching Dash is a refreshment to me.

Christmas Eve this dear one opened her home up till almost midnight with the laughter and conversations that covered the months apart. Our nieces spent time with our kids and the four of them were just delightful to behold. Our kids almost a whole generation younger were mesmerized by the evening with cousins.
Oh it was so so wonderful an evening!

A photo shop game

Dash slept on the sofa and morning came soon.
Once Willy had his bone we began our exchange. We were so grateful to the divine and human generosity of our provision.

My darlin gave me a set of head phones that are cordless so as to be able to have music during the day while Dash is doing school. Oh the silence my son demands to concentrate. This is really sweet. I hope that the difference will keep me going on chores during the day. The lethargy has left my tasks so needy.

This sweet man and I will be taking a partial early retirement to add to our income in March. We will work no less but it will be on his former employer of 27 years. It is really going to set us to a lower stress. Raising kids is expensive, us retiring on paper only years fly in life.

Steve's brother took us all out to Christmas dinner. What a wonderful weekend is being had by all. Getting too tired to write more. Just needed to say...

Merry Christmas to one and all.

I stand amazed at the kindness that came and made this season turn around for us. It has strengthened our faith and built our humility and willingness to receive. We are refreshed.

On my IVIG my numbers are doing well, the infusions are working to keep me infection free. He will renew my strength one day I just know it.

Good for a laugh

2011-12-16T08:11:00.000-08:00

Oh my my
This one just has to be shared. I know many of you would wish I shared more. Dash has now finished his mid term testing and I have two weeks off from teaching. Teaching is actually a good 5 hours a day.
Dove has three more days of school next week.

Returning from taking her to school this morning Dash spoke up

"I know what I wish I could get for Christmas..." he said. So my ears perk up to listen as my mind slows. Turning onto my street he continues.

" I'd wish I could get a pooper scooper, but I'll wish for it for my birthday"

Laughing with great control as to not just bust out in a roar. He continues that it would be so much easier than the shovel.

Dash is very VERY sensitive to laughter so I am holding it in even now.

Mom I wish I had a pooper scooper

It has been a real intense time of teaching and healing of Dash's heart. He is learning study skills that help overcome all of the lies of the enemy of his soul. With Dove at 14 she is in constant need of all of me that is left over. These are very busy years for us. To sit here while the bread soaks for french toast is a treat for me in itself. We are well all of us that is a joy! I have deliveries this morning. Infusion is on the morrow they are a bit late delivering due to the season no doubt.
A sweet way has been made for our Christmas to be a bit brighter for the kids. My heart is lifted being able to get them a couple of extra things. It is a wonderful thing to live with a grateful heart. Steve and I have been on a mission to renew our minds and one way is to speak of all that we are grateful for . If I were to wrap up all the things we have to find gratitude in we could not fit it all under even the White Houses' Christmas tree.

We are in love and that is the richest of treasures. Thirty years in March, that is just stunning to think how fast the years fly. Like a vapor, a sweet savor of all the spices life offers. Raising our kids and seeing them mature into young people with minds spirit and souls of their own. Oh we falter so but trust and pray and hope all the more.
I have to go make breakfast. With Dash home 24/7 I cook all three meals a day. He is a full time fullness of every moment save so very few. He is really coming along so well though and it leaves me humble and exhausted. The charter k12 is working out wonderfully.

Last night I took Dove and her best friend to the concert at the Jr High. It was a band concert. The jazz band is the only Arizona state one! They are going to Washington D.C.. They were great. The girls had a chaperoned escort, I hid out so as not to be present :). I really enjoy going to the school musicals. Poor mans symphony gives me a bit of culture. It is so good to have the exposure to the arts.

Well better get to cooking.
Enjoy your morning and be careful what you wish for. You might just end up cleaning the dung up.

Memoir

2011-12-07T12:31:00.000-08:00

A Tin of old beads

Life was mundane back then for a child of nine or ten. I can smell the fuel as it wafted through the sliding glass door. After school and in the summer time my hours were filled with that smell of gasoline. I recall that it seamed everything smelled of it. There were times that it would even fascinate me to pick up the stock of candy bars and intermingled with the wonder of the chocolate was the diesel pungent a poison of memory. He is still in my mind sometimes standing above me like the character Poppy the Sailor Man, elbows skinny against the massive forearms that threatened me daily. That worn tired face of a man aged to be burdened with such daily labor. “Mucking the stalls’ of the car wash out back he would lift those massive grates and grasps the two handles of the post digger, those scoops of goo.

He wore coveralls that are what the jump suits were called back then. He was naked underneath them except his ‘skivvies’ he called them. He was not a man to have pants and a shirt like other fathers. This man was my step dad. He adopted us three my sister brother and I when was only 6 years old. He was an old merchant mariner retired. They lost everything though in the move from Washington State to Utah. At least it seamed so. Mom got the job with the Flying J gas station. So early to rise and daily to the grind the two of them ran the service station on one of the main drags in Ogden Utah. That is where this story began.

Each day the one or the other or most days both would be found there. Mother and Father absent the home, or rather the home exchanged to the smell of the service station. I remember the house but the days at the station seamed more. It was my sitter, my nanny as it were. Filling the soda in the cooler and counting the penny candy. For a dime one could have a bit of a field day. Candy bars were a quarter not much more and yet fewer choices then the penny candy. It was dusty cause it was kept at the bottom of the display where the children like me could sit on the dirty linoleum floor to count out the booty. Tootsie rolls, bit o’ honey those were some of my favorite. There were the tubes of candy coated cocoa all colors like jewels. I could just sit for hours and look at it. Often I did. For inventory would have to be held. I wonder even now if mom was just finding a way to keep me occupied, however I do recall the inventory late nights. I would be cold and tired. They had to keep me there until one or the other would ‘relieve’ the other to go home and fix supper. Then a plate would be left to warm. Very few meals had them both together. Sometimes the warm plate would be taken to the stall and we would sit and visit while the ‘on duty’ parent would eat a bite or two between customers.

Oh the hours, the family extended became the regular customers. It was the way then that the customer was always right, this until they would walk away and we would speak of the annoyance. Many a day someone would be rubbing the top of my head kindly. Looking up to those warm smiles often were highlights that made me feel that I belonged to a greater circle of life. Some folks were downright creepy, but they were few. This was during the 1970’s when gas was less than fifty cents a gallon and that seemed high. Names like Nixon and words about war would buzz around my head. Current events were hashed and rehashed (spoken of over and over) all day long. This is I think where my interest in the world around me began. Wanting to be included in those conversations, wanting to understand what the fuss was all about.

I was born in 1961, the last of a quiver full of kids mostly by different fathers. One even had a different mother. One of the eldest had a different biological mother and father. So the mix of mutts so we were called left me always a lesser citizen than most. So it seemed to me when the crisp suits came in. Those were the men who just pulled in to use the urinal and a fast “fill er’ up’ would ya? Those who had fine dresses and fancy hair in ribbons were like China dolls to be admired. My hair was a mess, cut of as to ease of care for a mother who had no time to care even for her own self. Mother who wore what was a weight of care upon her bones as a suit of obesity. Now there were others like me who knew that air of superiority. They were the Native Americans, mostly spoken ill of and expected to be intoxicated as if that were their lot. They were poor often as a white man might see it poor, but even I as a child saw a sort of wealth lost and over looked. I never saw color as a bad thing. I saw it in the eye. It was where I took stock of a person. Did they look me in my eye as a lesser? Did I see a pity that was not disdain, which is often how my dad looked at me? The best was when they were distracted but when they looked at me a natural smile would come over them as they liked what they saw in me. It made me feel beautiful they became beautiful too. That was the way the elder woman looked at me that day.

I was sitting on the floor counting the penny candy. It was warm as I remember and the cool floor felt grimy but somehow refreshing on my legs. She was there her presence like a tangible kindness. I think I was admiring the colored balls of candy in the plastic wrapped tubes. Maybe it was the beads on her soft shoes and the tassels of leather that fringed the ankles but she saw my eye catch the colors. I smiled. A natural smile as when one finds deep pleasure and the depth of beauty becomes a pool. I just dove in unashamed and reached out to touch them. No words or few. Just soul to soul appreciation. It is not a memory of words spoken as it was of hearts melting in a flash an instant of time. Even now the memory is one of an Ora not so much actual recollection. I wanted to see her again. As it was with all of the customers a pattern emerges. On a particular day at a regular time almost expectantly they would return to fulfill the appointed lot. So one day she would return.

”I have something for you” her voice came to my ear, reaching out to me was her aged hand. It was so skilled hours were written upon it in ages of day. These were hands of use and purpose. Not like the China dolls hands they were for luxury. I wish I knew her name. It would be one like Mina or May. She was as a woman of sage, wise and knowing kind gentle even quit present within her own eyes to me. When she would look at mother or others she was sheltered withdrawal behind those walls of safety from the storm the onslaught of demeaning nuances left by slanted smirked judging faces. In her hand was an old tin can. Black painted worn with a lid that lifted off a good quarter of the way. Now it was only five inches tall perhaps two and a half inches around. It shook as a rattle muffled but musical in a way unlike any sound I knew of. The old tin was cool to the touch and a little heavy for its size. Eagerly I watched as she showed me how to pull up the sliding lid. It might have once been full of baking powder when it was new. Once those containers really were made out of tin, not like the cardboard with plastic lids one finds now days. She must have painted it black or all the letters had long worn off. It showed the use I had that old tin for 40 years or more, now I think it gone forever.

In that tin was found treasure. To a child yet even this woman the treasure served for a life love of beading. It contained her long life of beading, for it was her scrap bead tin. Once before this generation that tosses everything into the trash bin, folks saved. We saved everything for ours were the parents who lived or better said survived the great depression. They learned hard lessons on the waste of the land and the effects there of. She had saved every one. Now these were very tiny beads called seed beads for just reason. The colors were as endless as the variety. These beads became the story of my life. Tossed away by others but never by a true artist a creator of beauty saved everyone. She saw the value in me as well for to me this Elder gifted such a treasure. Given to me with a knowing a soft face tanned with time into softness. Suede that made rough those weathered raw hides worn by my parents and most other people in my life. It was then that I hoped my face might stay soft as to my countenance. Time makes it hard to stay so. Trials often make lines look unkind.

Childhood in a flash a young lady

2011-12-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

It is a wonderful cloudy day .

Along with the sunshine hiding behind the clouds is the passing of the summer desert heat. It will be a long time coming and with much delight brisk air will kiss my cheeks every morning as I drive Dove to Jr High. She is so beautiful now. Donning high heals for the first time my little girl begins her journey into becoming woman. Lady I tell her for any girl can become a woman but to become a lady is the goal.

Today she has these shoes on, the black color block ones. They fit her! Well almost with a little wedge at the heal and a pad under her toes. The years a flash and a blur and after you wipe the fog from you eyes she is grown into a beautiful young lady.

Sometimes being a lady in a world of men and women is a hard thing. Boys and girls will make it a challenge too. Lady is a term of character to me. It is a supreme complement to a girl young or old. Seasons pass and the little girl in heals becomes a "lady" in training. Training began so long ago when toys and mommy's shoes were play things.

Thanksgiving Day

Mid Terms at 50!

2011-11-30T15:36:00.000-08:00

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? I am wondering about how smart one must be. Dash is at Mid Terms and is doing great! I have learned or learned again so many things that I had forgotten. It takes a good 5 full hours of my day to see to Dash with his K12 on line public school. We are a pair doing well together after a very rocky start. Now that the road is smother it is a real pleasure. Math is the only subject posing a problem for now. Steve spends a good hour or so EVERY night doing the daily math lesson with him. He has real learning disabilities that are so challenging. It seems to be stress like related amnesia. At least I wonder about that. He forgets every thing he did the day before and every day it has to be retaught. Steve is a saint to do it.
Dove needs help too and she gets a lot less of it unfortunately. We are working hard to get her to speak up and ask. Balance is a real obvious effort each day. Dash may finish the first semester a few days early. With extra time earned he will get between one and four days extra off. We will see how the next two weeks go.

I am well, spent most days with little left to blog. Our design for the studio is wonderful. I love it! It is helping me to reconnect with my own heart. Been sorta wondering and just walking in a fog now for so long. Friday I will see the spine surgeon. The very thought of facing it is so overwhelming. The pain is so unbearable without the nerve and inflammation medications that they are now a must. I hope that it will be a non-surgical fix. I have just really emotionally gone flat line, too much to even think of. I love my new knee, due to my back I am not even able to walk around the block! Ooo that just makes me mad. I'll just keep my heart alive and focus on beauty in all that is around me and within me. I know I am blessed beyond measure. I think once the unknown clears as to my back, life will enter into direction. What ever the future holds knowing will help.