Having seen both sides of a fertility clinic now, as a patient and as an employee, I have a few suggestions of things to look for to help you answer this for yourself. I’ve categorized them below:

• Experience: The clinic should have a team of experienced fertility physicians who are double board-certified (or double-board eligible) in reproductive endocrinology and infertility (REI). The clinic should also have a good track record of success in helping patients achieve pregnancy.

• Success rates: The clinic should be able to provide you with their success rates for the specific fertility treatments you are interested in. You can find this information on the clinic's website, by asking the clinic directly, or by reviewing the clinic’s SART scores. (Keep in mind that SART can be manipulated so read the details on how the scores are reported and shared carefully.)

• Cost: Fertility treatments can be expensive, so it is important to find a clinic that fits your budget and/or takes your insurance. The clinic should be able to provide you with a detailed estimate of the costs of the treatments you are interested in. Most clinics will be able to provide pricing details on their services only, though, so expect additional costs for medication and other specialized services (e.g. PGT).

• Location: The clinic should be located in a convenient location for you. You will need to make frequent visits to the clinic for appointments and procedures, so it is important to choose a clinic that is close to your home or work, with hours that you can accommodate.

• Attitude: The clinic should have a positive and supportive attitude. You will be going through a lot during your fertility journey, so it is important to feel comfortable with the clinic staff and feel like they are on your side.

Once you schedule your initial consultation with the clinic, be prepared to ask questions to get a better idea of how they operate and what you can expect from the experience with them. Some example questions include:

• How often will I see and interact with the physician vs. the nurse or a PA?

• What are your success rates?

• What are your hours of operation? When and where do you schedule monitoring appointments? What about procedures like egg retrieval or frozen embryo transfers (FET)?

• How quickly can I start a treatment cycle? Is there a wait list for any of your procedures?

• Do you offer telehealth appointments and, if so, under what circumstances?

• What happens if there is a cancelled cycle?

• What are your patient satisfaction rates?

• What are your success rates for my specific situation?

• How and when do you determine a particular diagnosis for my situation? How will you communicate that to me?

• Based on the full picture of my family building goals (e.g. how many children you would like to have and over what period of time), what treatment plan would you recommend?

• Do you offer resources for emotional support through the clinic?

• Do you offer financial assistance for your services?

Some important details like the physician’s background and credentials, patient feedback, and locations can be found online on the clinic website and online reviews. Reviewing these resources before your appointment can also spark some additional questions.

I’d love to know what you think of these & what you’d add to this list - share in the comments below!

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]]>What To Look For When Choosing A Fertility ClinicErin McDanielWed, 19 Feb 2020 15:52:04 +0000https://myfertilitycoach.com/blog/2020/2/18/tips-for-getting-out-of-a-fertility-funk59308d44e4fcb5becc62e5eb:59d3fa476f4ca3d6f3dacce4:5e4c6b94eac30c2eb00e80bcWe’ve all been there. When everything seems heavy. And hard. Things we used to love to do don’t bring joy - or are on the “not advised during TTC” list. Maybe there are thoughts swirling and contradicting and sucking all the positivity we can muster.

Sound familiar?

A fertility struggle is no joke. And there is no short-term “fix” to sudden carefree happiness.

I do believe that we can develop strategies for living WITH a fertility struggle rather than letting the fertility struggle run our lives. Part of this includes having a go to list of ways to turn the “fertility funk” around.

To be clear - there is a lot on this journey that is true loss. You are entitled to grieving these losses. That sadness is real, deep, and OK to sit with for awhile. Processing the grief that comes with a fertility struggle takes time and a lot more intense work than what I’m outlining below.

When I talk about the “fertility funk”, I’m referring to the daily haze that can cover every part of our lives - no matter what may or may not actually be going on in our TTC journey at that moment.

So when you notice the “fertility funk” impacting your daily life - robbing your joy, encroaching on your thoughts, and stealing from your present (which may not be all that bad in reality), here are some suggestions you can try in 5 minutes or less:

1. Move! Get up, take a walk, dance a silly dance, do some yoga poses, challenge yourself to push ups - whatever. Move your body. It doesn’t need to be a full workout, just get your blood flowing.

2. Laugh. The Mayo Clinic shares that laughter can release stress and reduce tension short term - and the act of laughing has many long term benefits as well. Need something funny? Try listening to a podcast, watching a TV show, going out of your way to hear a good Dad Joke, follow a funny account on Instagram (two of my faves right now are @beigecardigan and @garyjanetti). Ask friends and coworkers for their thoughts. Pull together a list of a few “go tos” that almost never fail to make you smile. Then, turn to those when you need a pick me up.

3. Listen to a great song. Or songs. Make a playlist. Listening to music releases dopamine, the “feel good” hormone in our brains. Prepare a few songs that transport you to great memories, make you want to dance, and make you feel loved and joyful.

4. Accomplish a small task. Sometimes, the act of accomplishing something - however small - gives us a sense of control we may be craving. Make a list of a few things that can be done in the next 24 hours and start crossing them off. Want more? Broaden your list to things that can be started today and completed in the next few days, week, or more.

5. Dress up. What makes you feel most confident in your appearance? Are you wearing that? This is not about impressing anyone but yourself…and its not about changes that take time. This is a swipe of lipstick, a spray of perfume, a pretty piece of jewelry, a change of clothes (to dress up or get comfy). Do this for YOU and remind yourself how gorgeous you really are.

6. Express gratitude. Stop and write down 5 things you’re grateful for. Allow yourself to really think about these things and what life would be like without them. Let the feeling of thankfulness give you a boost.

7. Smile. The act of smiling releases the “feel good” neurotransmitters, reducing stress, relaxing your body, and lifting your mood. Smile at the next 3 people you see. Not feeling it? If you’re just a bit down, its ok to fake it. You may be surprised to find that by the third person, that smile feels a bit more genuine.

I’d love to know what you think of these & what you’d add to this list - share in the comments below!

It felt awful.

And it reminded me of the same feelings I had when we were struggling to conceive. Whenever someone else would have a pregnancy announcement, a baby shower, complain about her pregnancy or baby or toddler. Whenever there was a fuss over her, her symptoms, or a cute baby outfit. I was right back in that place - and it ached.

In this most recent experience of jealousy, I found myself quickly thinking nasty thoughts - about my friend and about myself. It wasn’t a good look.

I could feel myself slipping into anger, sadness, and self-pity. I couldn’t focus and was rude in my interactions with co-workers and family.

Does this sound familiar?

If so, I wanted to share the steps I took to turn this around:

1. Acknowledge the emotion. So often we want to stop uncomfortable emotions and repress them so they go away. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Instead, they often come back bigger and badder. So acknowledge the way you’re feeling. I was jealous. I wasn’t proud of it and I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I knew in my mind and my heart that I was feeling jealous. So I acknowledged it.

2. Identify the message the emotion is trying to convey. Our emotions are messengers - effectively neutral signals that tell us something important - and can be helpful motivators to change our behavior. When we have a difficult emotion - fear, envy, anger, sadness, guilt, and the like - we can sometimes get stuck in that feeling without understanding what it's actually trying to tell us. Fear is usually a signal that there’s perceived danger. Sadness can tell us we’re passionate about something we don’t have, but want. Jealousy can be a similar message - that we desire what another person has for our own lives and that it is achievable for us. I love the way this article from Positive Psychology talks about the benefit of jealousy.

3. Act and release. When I recognized that the jealousy I felt was about me wanting to achieve the same goals that my friend did, I could see it as a valid and reasonable emotion. And, taking it a step further, I began to think proactively about what it would take for me to accomplish the same. In this particular case, I would need to make considerable changes to my work philosophy, habits, mindset, and family life. For someone who is struggling to conceive, it may not be so straightforward as something to “do”...it may be more about finding acceptance and trust in your current path. 

   In my own example, when I started to think about what I would need to do to accomplish the same goal, I started to feel genuine delight and joy for my friend’s success. I was reminded of all of the effort she’d put into achieving this goal. This was no overnight success or accident. I reviewed my current philosophy, habits, mindset, and schedule and realized I was actually pretty confident that I was on track to meet MY goals. Not her goals. You see, her success will never be mine, nor does her success ever take away from mine. 

   Similarly, when TTC, you may find you are less jealous of people who struggled to conceive and then did so - because it can be easier to get to that place of hope and sense of achievability for your own life. Even in the cases of those “surprise” pregnancies, though, I would still argue a lot has to go RIGHT for this to ever happen. (I’m sure you’ve learned enough by now about human reproduction to agree that it's pretty remarkable any of us is here.)

   In thinking through how you can act upon the message jealousy is presenting to you, make your plan, and then release the emotion. Let it move through you like a wave. Seek ways to turn your focus toward joy, love, gratitude - the aspects of your life that ARE working, that ARE on track, that ARE better than you ever imagined they could be. I love this 10-minute guided meditation from JFK Yoga to help release jealous emotions.

I hope my experience and example is helpful for you.

These steps are intended to be simple, but the work behind them isn’t necessarily so. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that the longer you’ve been on this journey, the potential to accumulate more and more difficult emotions is increased. Be patient and be kind to yourself.

My understanding of emotions as messengers and how to interpret their signals comes from my work as a Freedom Fertility Formula Specialist. To learn more about this particular method for overcoming the “downward cycle of despair” on your fertility journey, click here.

The talk inspired me to share some of my own. So, here are the My Fertility Coach Top 10 Fertility Tips for 2020:

1. Eat for health, not just fertility. Fertility is an extension of our health. There are no magic foods that will spontaneously allow you to conceive. Knowing this, I hope you feel a sense of freedom from the lists of “shoulds” or “don’ts”. In 2019 we learned of the “fertility diet” which encourages a focus on organic, “real” & fresh foods. You may want to consider eliminating or reducing common inflammatory foods such as gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, refined carbs, processed foods, and alcohol. More and more research is showing the importance of a healthy gut on our overall health, so for that reason, make sure you’re getting pre and probiotics in both food and supplements. In my opinion, focusing on what you CAN have (the list is so long) vs. what you “can’t” or “shouldn’t” have can help avoid a sense of deprivation and help you stick with nutritional changes. These habits can help improve your health overall during this TTC season and throughout the rest of your life.

2. Warm up your foods & your feet. Warm and cooked foods (especially those particularly fibrous vegetables) are easier to digest. Traditional Chinese Medicine believes that digestion is closely linked to our fertility. When digestion works smoothly, our reproductive system is more likely to follow suit. In a similar temperature vein, Chinese Medicine believes that some of our reproductive medians that connect to our uterus begin in our feet. Keeping our feet warm can help avoid a “cold uterus” (and feels better than cold feet anyway!). 

3. Remove plastic from your kitchen. If you haven’t yet, switch to stainless steel or glass water bottles and glass food containers. Studies have shown that higher levels of BPA in our urine is associated with lower estrogen levels, lower egg yield, lower fertilization rates, lower blastocyst formation rate, and implantation rate. (Erlich et al Human Reproduction 2012)

4. Change out your beauty and hygiene products - for both you and your partner. Phthalates are known endocrine disruptors and have shown to be associated with low testosterone levels (Mendiola 2012) and poor sperm parameters (Pan 2011) and higher risk of miscarriage (Toft Environ Health 2012). These changes can feel overwhelming if you try to make them all at once, so start by switching out one thing at a time as you run out. To find new products, the ThinkDirty app is great for in-store barcode scanning, the Environmental Working Group has lists of all types of products, or find a local green or natural beauty store. For more information on this topic, check out my video with Jenny Duranski, founder of Lena Rose, a green spa and beauty boutique in Chicago.

5. Commit to movement every day. It can often feel like we can’t exercise at all when we’re struggling to get pregnant - especially when we’re in the midst of a treatment cycle for IUI or IVF. This is a myth, though. The WAY in which you exercise may need to change, though, from high impact and “super sweaty” (here’s looking at you, hot yoga) activities to low impact, gentle, strength, or restorative movement. Walking, yoga (restorative or, even better, fertility-specific is best), swimming, light weight training, or time on the elliptical machine are all great ways to keep your body moving. Exercise is also a fantastic way to connect with your body - in addition to the details of reproduction - to feel strong and take notice of all that is “working” right now. More on exercise and fertility here. Bonus points for prioritizing outside movement for extra boost for your mental health from nature. As with any exercise program, check with your doctor to confirm what will be best for you and your goals. 

6. Make intimacy a priority. Yep, have sex for fun. Or, if intercourse isn’t on the table right now, seek out ways to be intimate with your partner that don’t require sex. Without intimacy, some needs you and your partner have - physically and emotionally - could be going unmet for both of you. This can leave you both feeling unmoored and alone which no one needs more of on this journey.

7. Develop a habit that helps you get present every day. So often we live in the past or imagine the future and, in both cases, we can bring on stress and downward spiral thinking that harms our mental health and maybe our fertility. Try simple breathing exercises, meditation, visualization, or one of these other ideas to get present. Set a timer and aim for daily consistency rather than perfection. You’ll probably be surprised at how much more calm you feel by recognizing when you drift and then bringing yourself back to the present moment.

8. Find ways to connect with others who know this journey. There are so many terrific resources available to support you in your fertility experience. If you’re looking for a mentor or a support group, check out FruitfulFertility, Resolve, or Shine Fertility (in Chicago). Instagram can be great for connections as well through hashtags like #infertilityawareness or #ttccommunity. I also love listening to podcasts to hear a range of fertility stories - there are so many conditions, situations, diagnoses, treatment plans, paths to parenthood, and outcomes contained in these individual stories - and so much hope as well. Some of my favorites are Your Fertility Hub, InfertileAF, and Beat Infertility.

9. Put down the screen. Seriously - have you ever felt better after an extended session with Dr. Google or scrolling through the lives of others? There’s a place for research - information is power - and connecting online with others in a similar situation can feel comforting. But, there are limits. Check in with yourself and make sure you feel good during and after your screen time. If not, start to think of ways to reduce the time you spend scrolling, staring, or reading and, instead, spend that time doing something that leaves you feeling empowered, energized, and joyful. (Such as tip #10 below…)

10. Prioritize sleep. You’ve heard this before because it’s true. Sleep is time for our body to rest, repair, and rebalance. That includes our hormones that regulate all of our functions, in particular, ovulation and for our male partners, sperm maturation. Give yourself permission to get the rest you need. Create a delightful, cozy, and appealing bedtime routine you look forward to. Schedule your day - not just your evening - with the ideal “unwind” time in mind so you aren’t trying to squeeze in getting more done at a time when you really intend to be relaxing and heading off to dreamland.

My sincerest hope is that this new year brings you peace, joy, and love. And, yes, may it be the year that you meet your sweet baby as well. Happy 2020!

What do you think of the list? What would you add?

For those who are struggling with life looking different than they’d hoped or expected at this time of year, the ability to participate in a festive celebration may just not be there.

How do I know that you're probably struggling in this season? And how do I know that you'll one day feel like yourself again and be celebrating this season, albeit maybe in a different way than you expect?

I know because I've been in your shoes and I can recall the dread of the fake smile, the white lie about when I'll have kids, make my mom a grandma, or why I opted out of sugar/gluten/coffee/wine. I know the frantic timing to give a quick hug to the cousin who just shared her pregnancy news and scramble to the bathroom before my tears became obvious.

I know the stress of wondering if anyone will notice that I’m not drinking alcohol at the company party and, worse, if they’ll give a “knowing” look assuming I’m pregnant.

I know the tears that come from remembering this time last year when I was so, so, so certain by this time next year our baby would be here or, at least, I’d be pregnant.

If this is where you are today and this season - please hear this: You will not be here forever. Even one year can make a BIG difference.

In the meantime, here are some ideas of how you can take care of YOU this season:

1. Share your struggle in some way that releases the stress and helps you feel supported. Tell a friend, family member, connect with a fertility mentor, join an online community, or find a support group. You aren’t alone in this.

2. Create a "safe word" with your partner that clearly - but covertly - communicates "GET ME THE HECK OUT OF HERE!". Use this in any scenario where you’ll be together, with other people, and may need a quick exit from a conversation or the entire event. Use this one liberally.

3. Prepare some ready responses to the inevitable questions about your family plans. Share as much as you like, be as flip or snarky as you feel comfortable. You don’t owe anyone the details of your life if you aren’t comfortable sharing them. Some of my favorite responses were the really vague, “Oh, you know…sometime…<change the subject>” or “We’re working on it”, or “We’ll see.” All of these felt natural to me and answered the question while not ever divulging particulars. More ideas on how to respond to questions about when you’ll have kids are here from VeryWell Family.

4. Before big events, think through your likely pitfalls and arm yourself with a plan to handle them the way you WANT to. This preplan will help you feel in control during those tender moments.

5. Practice gratitude. Gratitude can change our perspective from lack to abundance. During this season of all seasons, it may help to focus on what you do have, what is working, the parts of your personality that make you awesome, and the little luxuries you have that make your days special or easier. Try starting your day noticing 5 things you're grateful for and end with 5 different ones. See what happens. (And if you want a deeper dive into a gratitude practice, sign up for my free 21-Day Gratitude Challenge.)

6. Indulge yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself to little (or big - why not!?) luxuries throughout the season. Carve out quiet time, fun time, retail therapy, laughter, and other delights that bring you joy and remind you of the big, abundant life you live.

For more tips on handling the holidays while struggling with a fertility journey, check out these lists from Resolve, VeryWell, and FertilityIQ.

What would you add to this list? What tips do you have for handling the holidays with grace while you struggle to build your family?

At my lowest point - after years of disappointments, a miscarriage, failed IUIs, and two failed IVF cycles, my worldview had gotten very narrow and dark. I felt that everything was unfair. I read about gratitude and its power to improve our perspective so I decided to give it a try. I didn’t really think it would work, but in the spirit of “trying everything”, decided to do it anyway.

And - wow - was I pleasantly surprised! I experienced a huge shift in my mindset.

I began to see reasons to be thankful all around me. And, I even began to be genuinely grateful for aspects of our fertility journey. Grateful to live at a time and in a country where IVF was an option. Thankful to have insurance coverage to ease the financial burden. Glad to have a husband who could find the humor in most circumstances.

I don’t believe it is a simple equation that practicing gratitude equals pregnancy. I do believe, though, there is a type of “magic” that comes from a gratitude practice in both improving the fertility journey experience AND increasing overall health and well being.

Studies have shown that a gratitude practice can create more joy, happiness, resilience, and self-esteem. This video offers a great overview of the transformative effect practicing gratitude can have on our social and emotional well-being.

Most of us forget all the everyday things in our lives that make us happy. We can often take them for granted. Especially during a fertility struggle, we can begin to fixate on what we don’t have (e.g. Baby) while ignoring all we DO have from small luxuries, to basic needs, to health and mobility and ways our body IS working…and the list can go on. Gratitude can help us shift to a place of abundance and hope rather than remaining stuck in a place of lack.

I’ve created a simple 21-day challenge to help you learn more about gratitude - its benefits, how to stretch your lens to see your own abundance, and with the intention of helping you create a positive habit that will serve you on your fertility journey and throughout your life.

So, won’t you join me in this year’s 21-Day Gratitude Challenge?

The premise is simple: for 21 days commit to spending at least 5 minutes each day recording what you are grateful for.

I’ll help you stay on track with a daily email including more information about the benefits of a gratitude practice and a prompt to help you get started that day.

You can share your thoughts, observations, roadblocks, and successes with me on Instagram (use #fertilegratitude), Facebook, or as a comment on this blog post.

When you complete the challenge, you will have a new life-long habit that could help you have a stronger immune system, sleep better, experience more joy, pleasure, and pleasant emotions, and feel less lonely and isolated (Source).

But don’t just take my word for it, here are a few testimonials from past challenge-takers:

[One of the key takeaways from the challenge was] you must *make* the time to think about what you are grateful for (otherwise the daily grind will distract you). There's a lot more to be thankful for than one might think on the surface.

[The 21-Day Gratitude Challenge has] been really helpful, especially the parts about scientific studies about gratitude getting in the way of toxic emotions. That is really resonating with me right now! You've really put some great things in place here, and I'm so thankful.

I'm all caught up on the gratitude challenge, and I can't tell you what a difference it is making for me. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!

The daily quotes of inspiration were motivating.

I am looking forward to getting started. If you have any questions, just ask me.

Can’t wait to hear how it goes for you.

But, why?

Gratitude can sometimes feel like a trendy word or hashtag to throw around. Similar to the #blessed of a few years ago, it can seem like a humble brag or an empty phrase to post on social media.

It is SO. MUCH. MORE. than that.

Gratitude is THE biggest mind shift tool in my toolbox.

Not just during my fertility struggle, but every day since.

Practicing gratitude has proven benefits of stress relief and has shown to create more joy, happiness, resilience, and self-esteem.

I’ve seen it first-hand. During our fertility struggle, seeking things to be grateful for helped me shift from the ugly “why me?” mindset to thankfulness I had the opportunity to receive treatment and to physically experience improvements from diet and lifestyle changes (that still serve me today). In the early days of parenting when the nights got long and sleep was short, I found gratitude in my baby’s actual presence, in his (loud) healthy cries, and when sleep would finally come to him. As our family has grown and our house resembles a circus, my husband and I snap back to what’s important with the phrase, “We worked hard for this,” said with gratitude.

So the next time you find yourself in a rut, stuck in the fear and uncertainty of a fertility struggle - try gratitude.

To really get the most of the perspective, aim to write down a few things you’re grateful for every day. Go ahead and poke the bear…challenge yourself to seek something to be grateful for in your current circumstances. Think about the people you’re surrounded by or have met, your environment, your workplace, your body, and similar aspects of your journey that may provide a lesson learned, a source of support, a continued working or show of resilience that you are grateful for. Allow yourself to explore these paths.

Can’t find something to be grateful for? Then seek out a lesson learned, an example of courage, something you’ve overcome that surprised you…and then write down what about that you are grateful for.

Sound good? Try it and let me know how it works for you. Struggling? Let me help.

And in the spirit of gratitude, thanks for reading.

This pregnancy was a surprise. Yes, I am the woman I hated who “just got pregnant” and “didn’t know how it happened.” (I don’t judge your eye roll...During my fertility struggle, my eyes would be rolling out of my head. Stick with me...I have a point.) 

There’s so much yet I want to share about my emotions during my pregnancy and how this experience has changed me as a mother, coach, and fertility advocate. I’m still formulating and processing a lot of it.

One thing I do feel ready to share: her name. 

Because it isn’t just a name (are they ever?). There’s so much wrapped up in those four little letters. 

We first came across the word, “milagros” - meaning “miracle” in Spanish, when we were on a trip not too long after our first miscarriage. It was given to a dog that had been abandoned as a puppy. Sick, hungry, and not expected to live, he did indeed survive those early days and was a healthy, mischievous, young dog when we met him. A miracle. Milagros.

The name and its meaning stuck with us. At the time, I didn’t realize how much of a miracle a child would be to us. (Of course, I now see each baby born as a miracle. But then, I was still a bit ignorant about all that has to go RIGHT for any of us to be here.)

A few years later, when we got pregnant with what would be our first baby, Milagros kept coming back to our minds. Research led us to Mila, the female derivative, and it became our “girl name”.

A baby boy, a few more rounds of IVF and another boy later, I’d pretty much given up on another baby, let alone a little girl.

So much so that I shared the name openly and flippantly with friends and family in the event they were looking for a “girl name”. 

Fast forward to earlier this year when we learned we were - despite lots of coffee, gluten, and wine and without any science, medical interventions, spirulina, or supplements - pregnant and having a baby girl.

We had a brief discussion about names. It went something like this: 

“Her name will be Mila, right?”  

“Yes.”

I don’t share this to #humblebrag or pretend that I did anything to deserve this gift. 

I share it because I now believe there was a reason we only ever had one girl name. That we learned that beautiful word at a time when we were vulnerable, sad, and still naive. That we never forgot the name or its meaning. That no one else in our circle of friends and family named their child Mila after my helpful suggestion. That this one particular miracle is - and has always been - meant to be ours, here, and now.

Perhaps there is something in your heart you are holding onto and guarding with equal reverence - but you aren’t sure why. 

Fan that flame of hope for your own thought, word, or name. For YOUR miracle.

Strange things happen in this life and on this journey to Family.

I pray yours comes soon.

Before our first IVF round, I was introduced to a yoga for fertility program at Pulling Down the Moon in Chicago. It seemed like a wonderful way to stay active in an “approved” way during that time. While I enjoyed the program, I can’t say I really “got” how powerful yoga could be for my overall journey at that time. My mind was still in a transactional state - if I do THIS, I will receive THAT (e.g. a baby).

It was only after our struggle dragged on and I became more and more discouraged that I started to seek out a yoga practice that was more about release and surrender than the mechanics of toning, exercise, and checking off “all the things”.

I started to learn what it meant to listen to and trust my body. To find wonder and strength from all parts of it. To find gentleness for the parts that felt tender. 

The practice quieted my mind enough to focus on renewed energy I felt during and after time on my mat. I began to visualize that energy as blood flow - nourishing, restoring, balancing, and bathing my organs in all they needed to function at their best.

It was slow. I pretty much never broke a sweat. I stopped thinking of yoga as exercise and, instead, looked forward to the time as a form of relaxation and healing. 

It was spiritual. Time to pray, to ask questions, to process anger, contemplate, to simply be still. Let my brain pause and take a break.

During my IVF treatment cycles, yoga was my primary physical activity. In times where I could resume normal exercise, I would find myself coming back to my yoga practice for restoration. 

Yoga has proven to have significant benefits for reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. (Source listing)  Additionally, it doesn’t take much of a leap to understand how the practice can benefit fertility:

• Balancing hormones by reducing the stress hormone, cortisol

• Increasing body confidence

• Increasing blood flow to the reproductive organs

• Opening up the hip and pelvic area

• Promoting relaxation and calm

A fertility-focused practice can also be beneficial by offering safe movements and poses for any time of your cycle or treatment. (More info here.)

By the time I found fertility yoga and was ready to release into it, I’d been practicing enough that I felt confident in a few poses found online that I’d do in my bedroom at home. (There was a lot of Legs Up the Wall, I’ll be honest.)

This is one way to go about adding yoga into your fertility plan. If you are looking for something a bit more structured - and probably more effective - I have two suggestions:

1. For those in the Chicagoland area, Pulling Down the Moon is a wonderful holistic health center that offers regular Yoga for Fertility class series. Not only do you get top-tier yoga instruction, but they foster community and collaboration among attendees so there’s a strong support component as well.

2. For those outside Chicago - or if your schedule or comfort level is eased with an at-home approach - I’m thrilled to recommend Fertile Hope Yoga.

Fertile Hope Yoga was developed by Erin McCollough, a holistic women’s health teacher and practitioner. Erin has been practicing and teaching yoga and other healing arts for 20 years and, for the past 10 years, teaching fertility yoga at CNY Fertility Center with Dr. Robert Kiltz. 

Fertile Hope Yoga is the first online yoga for fertility studio -- and you can try it out for FREE!

What I love about Fertile Hope Yoga is its specificity to cycle timing and goal. The program hones in on specific poses for stim, transfer, waiting periods, and natural conception. So when you’re asking “what else can I do to prepare for this next step”, consider one of these programs.

You can sign up for your FREE 14-trial of Fertile Hope Yoga here. With your free trial, you’ll get three videos:

• One quick 15-minute practice for anytime during your cycle

• A 40-minute “Restore & Balance” practice for during your period

• A 40-minute “Active Waiting” practice for the TWW/ Luteal phase

You’ll also get some additional resources to help you get started with your at-home practice including yoga prop suggestions, more information about the science behind yoga’s benefits for fertility, a meditation, and an affirmation deck to keep you grounded and hopeful throughout each day. 

No more excuses of finding a fertility-focused yoga class, scheduling, or worrying about looking “silly” in a class of “expert” yogis.

Of course, if the trial is helpful and you want to purchase a membership, you’ll get even more videos timed to more specific points in your journey. (After your trial, you’ll get all the details to upgrade to membership. The links I’m sharing are affiliate links, which means I’ll get a small fee should you choose to purchase. Honestly, though, I’d recommend this program without that incentive!)

While not a “silver bullet” to pregnancy (what is?), I wholeheartedly believe yoga was a key piece of the mindset and body confidence puzzle for me. 

Has yoga played a role in your fertility journey? How so? Was it helpful? In what ways? If you haven’t tried yet, what holds you back?

I’m pregnant. Not just a little bit or early pregnant - but 37 weeks and preparing for delivery.

I haven’t been keeping a secret as my clients, partners, and of course friends and family have known for several months. But sharing broadly without being able to tailor the news to the recipient has been something I’ve put off.

I wanted to share not just news but also a reason or an understanding of how and why.

You see, this pregnancy was unexpected. “Spontaneous” or “natural” are some of the common words (though neither really seems right to me) to describe what happened. Essentially, after 9 years of unprotected sex, a miscarriage, six rounds of IVF that resulted in two baby boys, and a 40th birthday - last fall I realized my period was late and I took a (dusty, old, leftover, found in the back of the cabinet) home pregnancy test. It was positive.

There’s a lot I can say about the emotions and the changes this little miracle has brought to our lives already. I will share in the coming months and will do my best to make sure I’m doing so in an empathetic, compassionate, and helpful way.

You may be thinking “what did you do?” or “what do you think made the difference?”. I know I would have been.

This is a large part of the reason I haven’t shared this news broadly yet...I don’t have a “formula” or a specific “thing” to point to. For my past IVF successes - my two boys - I could point to a series of actions: great care team, acupuncture, diet, lifestyle, mindset, and visualization that I think made the difference for me. In this case, a pregnancy wasn’t on the radar. Additional family building was something we had put off making serious decisions about.

There are, though, two things I can share right now as takeaways from this experience:

• Hope. When I shared the news with a dear client of mine who has had a tremendous struggle, her response surprised me and provided much clarity. She said, “That is the most hopeful thing I’ve heard all year.” And I think she’s right. There’s no human control that played a part in this baby’s existence - which may come as a relief to some of you who are struggling to control aspects of your journey that are simply uncontrollable. Even in the face of uncertainty, there’s reason to hope and trust that good things will come your way.

• Living in abundance. For the last two years, I’ve had the opportunity to follow my passion of walking with other women on their family building journey. I have immersed myself in topics that fascinate me and have met people from so many backgrounds, perspectives, and life experiences. My life will forever be enhanced as a result. While there have been challenges, frustrations, tears, and doubt - there has been much more gratitude, joy, and comfort in knowing I’m exactly where I need to be right now. While I will not pretend to say THIS is why I got pregnant, my hope is that for those of you feeling constant conflict in not having what you want yet, maybe this example can help you consider the things you already have, the abundance with which you currently approach life. Living in a place of abundance - no matter what circumstances - will be more comfortable, peaceful, and allow for clarity in a way that living from a feeling of lack never will.

I’ll be stepping back from client work for the next few months to focus on the new addition.

In the meantime, I hope to keep up with Instagram and my newsletter as there’s no shortage of information, resources, tips, and stories I want to share with you.

I’ve also posted a new page on my website listing some of my favorite resources. And, if you’re interested in working with a fertility coach in the next couple of months, please contact me for a list of some I’m glad to refer to.

I expect to be back to working with clients by the Fall.

In the meantime, I am sending you hope for your family, joy in your heart, and peace in your days.

How many times do we hear bad news and, as a result, feel overwhelmed, helpless, and despair?

We all do, over and over again.

It is what we do next that makes the difference.

A dear client of mine experienced many of these unexpected “setbacks” on her journey. She started her family building experience with IUIs; as a single mom by choice, she went through a series of these procedures each month with an attitude of positivity, hopefulness, and faith in her body and her plan.

As time went on and the pregnancy tests remained negative, her frustration grew. In one of our conversations, I asked what her thoughts on moving to IVF might be.

“Never”, she said. “Not for me.”

Too many drugs, too many shots, too many appointments - it was overwhelming.

After another negative pregnancy test and even more frustration, she felt she’d hit her limit. The first major “roadblock”.

She took some time to process her next steps and her plan. She asked questions about the process of IVF, how to find a doctor, and how she might approach injections given she found the very idea invasive and difficult to wrap her head around.

She armed herself with information, chose a doctor that aligned with her values, and decided to move forward. From “never” to openness. What had once been a roadblock in her family building plan - IVF - now became a way forward, albeit on a new path.

The beginning of her IVF experience went relatively smoothly. She managed through unexpected side effects, made adjustments to her schedule and social expectations, and learned how brave and accepting she could be in giving herself injections and advocating for herself with her medical team.

And then came the Day 5 lab results. One embryo had made it to the blastocyst stage. One.

As she put it, “I feel like I worked a 40 hour week and got paid $1.”

So much time, money, effort, mental energy, expectation, and hope had poured into this experience.

Her doctor explained that, in her situation, there was a 33% chance of a pregnancy resulting from one embryo.

She felt empty. She’d spent so much time being optimistic and hopeful, with this disappointing news, she felt she’d run out of both.

As she put it, “I feel like I’ve hit another roadblock and I’m outside the car, kicking the tires in a fit of rage.”

In this world of IVF, the numbers can play tricks on us. Higher numbers - of follicles, eggs, embryos - indicate greater chances of success. The more we have, the faster we get to baby, so it seems.

Yet that isn’t always true. Yes, statistically speaking, more embryos means better odds of conception - but - when it comes to pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby, it really does take “just” one.

It is easy to lose sight of that in the moment so seemingly “small” numbers can feel defeating and disappointing.

We talked a lot about the possibility that was evident in that one embryo. 33% is far from 0% - and so many don’t even get to that point.

We talked about the path forward should a pregnancy not result from this embryo. She was open to future IVF cycles and started to make a plan for what those might look like and how this experience could teach her and her doctor lessons that would help to fine-tune the process.

At the same time, she felt she had to have faith in the one embryo. Faith without pressure on the tiny bundle of cells. Faith that she could move forward no matter the outcome of her transfer. That this, too, was a detour rather than a roadblock.

“Just” one embryo became a possibility rather than a disappointment. “Just” one embryo became all she needed - yet she felt confident if this one wasn’t “the” one, there could be another.

To continue her analogy, she got back in the car, took the detour and kept going.

As it turns out, that detour was the last one for her. That one little embryo implanted and grew into a healthy baby girl who arrived this spring.

I share this story to illustrate how setbacks in our fertility journey can be viewed as detours rather than roadblocks. So often, we get to the “roadblock” and think our way forward is closed. There’s no more to do, nothing left to give, no remaining hope.

This is a natural response. This is sitting outside the car kicking the tires or lying in the mud thinking we might never get up again.

It is when we choose to get up, get back in the car, to look for the detour sign or forge a new path forward, that the opportunities for what comes next will appear.

What roadblocks have you seen in your journey? What detours have you chosen to take?

Lessons of education, self-advocacy, allowing time for grief and rest.

Lessons of acceptance.

Of belief.

Of the importance of support and community.

Lessons around how sharing our stories are incredibly powerful - helping ease loneliness, reduce the stress of this journey, increase awareness of infertility as a medical condition, and extend our access to resources and information.

Lessons on how to manage the upheaval that fertility treatment brings to our lives.

And, most of all, how to live life while struggling to build a family rather than letting that struggle take over our lives.

I hope my story can help you or someone you know. You can listen to the full podcast here.

What lessons have you learned in your fertility journey? Please share in the comments below.

1. Write down or draw a picture of you with your baggage at the beginning of your cycle. Name each and every bag as specifically as you can. (And no combining bags - this isn't the TSA.)

2. Then ask yourself - how is this working for me? Maybe its just fine. Or maybe not so great.

   • If its just fine - terrific. Run confidently into your cycle knowing you have the best possible plan in place for you, right now. 

   • If it isn't working - ask yourself a second question, "What can I change that will improve my EXPERIENCE of this cycle?" Focus on things that can impact your confidence, feelings of health or strength, and bring more peace to your schedule.

In the spirit of new beginnings, download my free Peaceful Fertility Conversation Ideas, Thought Starters, or Journal Prompts for Times of Blooming. This free gift includes a question for each day of the month to get you thinking of ways to shift perspective, improve your mindset, and renew your spirit during this phase of your fertility journey.

I remember feeling frustrated when I tried to share my fears and worries with my husband as we were going through our family building journey. He seemed to jump straight to the “fix” - solving a problem I wasn’t sure I had nor did I think could really be solved in that moment. He’d get frustrated if I wasn’t taking his advice. It would usually end with us in separate rooms and stony silence.

One of my clients recently shared that she was just worn out. There was nothing left for her to give to her husband. She knew he wanted more time together, more date nights, more conversations about ANYTHING other than family building - and while she wanted it too, she didn’t feel she had the energy to make the plans, handle the logistics, and then show up ready for “date mode.”

I’ve had more than one client share with me they don’t feel their spouse is involved or connected to the process at all. They feel lonely and alone in the struggle - taking all the tests, doing all the shots, going to all the appointments. “He shows up to ‘provide the sperm’ and then he’s done,” is a (slightly edited) phrase I hear a lot.

And in the midst of these emotional struggles, oftentimes one of the most intimate and personal ways we connect with our partner - sex - has changed, too. When we’re struggling to conceive, sex can become perfunctory, tedious, and even discouraging. We tend to focus on having intercourse at specific points in the month and feel disconnected and disappointed if it “doesn’t work” - which reduces sex to merely a vehicle for procreation when it is usually so much more.

These feelings of disconnection, exhaustion, annoyance and - yes - sometimes even anger are not uncommon. I’ve shared information on this subject before (see here and here) because I believe the connection you have with your primary partner during the family building process is CRITICAL. You need to feel you are part of a team, that you have a strong foundation, and that you’re both emotionally invested in the process (and the struggle).

This person you love enough to want to have a family with means so much to you - his opinion impacts your thoughts and actions, her presence makes you feel seen and safe, and his support and comfort can let you know you’re on the same team.

And you provide the same for him (or her).

So when that connection is off or broken, you both probably feel pretty crappy. Which makes a difficult situation even worse. While the previous thinking that infertility causes increased rates of divorce has since been disproven, for many couples, the experience is still one of the biggest challenges their relationship has ever faced.

If all of this is sounding familiar, here’s something to try: a lovingkindness and compassion exercise.

It may sound hokey but it works. My friend and mindfulness expert, Hillary Johnson of Calm Chicago, shared this in our most recent Fertility & Mindfulness Seminar. (Full video below.)

Next time you feel annoyed, angry, or hurt by your partner, try these four simple steps:

1. Pause to breathe. Allow your breath to go through your entire body and focus on exhaling the old air within.

2. Offer yourself love and compassion first. Try saying this as you breathe: “May I be Safe…May I be Happy…May I be Strong…May I Live With Ease.”

3. Next, offer the same love and compassion to your partner. Recognize that he has been hurt and is responding to that in his own way. Bring her to your minds eye and, while breathing, offer the same set of intentions: “May he be Safe…May he be Happy…May he be Strong…May he Live With Ease.”

4. Remember and recognize that you love each other - and let this be a starting point. Maybe you do this by touching or seeing a physical object or reflecting on a positive memory or moment together.

5. Finally, come back together and ask what happened, what he or she is thinking or feeling, or any other open-ended question that gets the conversation started. Listen to the answer with your whole brain and whole heart - resisting the urge to plan a response, retort, or even how you will share how the words make you feel. After he shares, let it be your turn to do the same and ask that he gives you the same gift of intentional listening. Hear what comes up for both of you without the need to respond immediately.

Hillary explains this exercise in greater detail in our seminar on “How Mindfulness Can Improve Your Relationship.” Watch the full seminar below:

Posted by My Fertility Coach on Thursday, February 14, 2019

A fertility struggle isn’t a full struggle without the unexpected, and often unwanted, delays. They seem to be par for the course - and they can really frustrate and discourage us.

I talk with women all the time who have faced one timing setback or another - a period that doesn’t start when expected; a test result that comes back awry, requiring a new specialist and treatment to correct; a cyst that forces a cycle cancellation; a clinic that operates on a schedule that is full for the next two months; a doctor who would definitely be able to help you - but has a 6 month waiting list. The list goes on and on and can compile into feelings of helplessness and despair.

Each month of a delay can feel like our chances literally slipping away. Especially as doctors, friends, and the media seems to be pounding an incessant drum of “every minute counts” when it comes to our fertility.

Women tend to refer to these delays as “lost time”.

But, what if, we could reframe delays into rest periods? What if, instead of a time for frustration, despair, and discouragement where we feel we are beating our hands and heads against a brick wall - we could turn this time into an opportunity for meaningful recovery, reset, and rejuvenation?

Most of the time, these breaks or “setbacks” are short in the grand scheme of things. Often, they are necessary to correct a critical hormonal balance or identify a new piece of your fertility puzzle. At the very least, they can provide space to breathe, step back, and re-energize for the next chapter.

All of nature operates in a cycle with periods of activity and periods of rest. Our own bodies have lots of examples of rest and activity: sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, sleep and wake, and exertion and recovery, to name a few. So why wouldn’t our fertility - a natural process and extension of our health - be the same?

Maybe we need time off to refuel, recover, and repair in order to move forward most effectively?

If you’re faced with an unwelcome delay in your fertility treatment, here are some ways to shift your thinking of a waiting period as an opportunity for rejuvenation and possibility:

• Focus on egg health. Our eggs take 90 days to prepare for ovulation. This means, if you have a 3 month (or more) window before your next treatment cycle, use this time to prepare your body and your eggs to be the best possible quality. Nutrition, blood flow, hormone balancing, reducing environmental toxins, and lowering stress (both mental and physical) can all contribute to egg quality. A great resource for improving egg quality is the book “It Starts With the Egg”.

• Get moving. So often, when fertility treatment begins, our exercise routines end. This is typically due to doctor’s orders - fertility stimulation medication can cause ovaries to increase to a size where pressure and movement from typical exercise could be harmful to them and to you. Also, extreme exercise can be stressful on our bodies and negatively impact our fertility even when we’re not in treatment.

  One way to energize yourself during a waiting time is to commit to a, fertility-friendly, way to move and connect to the strength within your body. Fertility yoga is a great option; you may have a local yoga studio or even your fertility clinic that offers this or you can check out Pulling Down the Moon in the Chicagoland area. Still no luck or just want to try something on your own? Check out this online session to get started.

  One thing I love about yoga during a fertility struggle is its ability to help us connect our minds and bodies, rebuilding trust and helping us recognize the physical strength we already have. If yoga isn’t your thing, try walking, swimming, or if you’re not currently in a stimulation cycle - a few miles running on the treadmill or the elliptical machine is probably fine (always check with your doctor). Just don’t overdo the exertion. As my acupuncturist once told me, “don’t sweat out all the hard work we’re putting into your body.”

• Nutrition. A waiting period can be an ideal time to focus on your nutrition. It is a built-in “sprint” - meaning there’s a set period of time you can focus on one key priority. If dietary changes feel empowering to you, allow this focus to literally fuel you through your rest time. Just like the egg quality process mentioned above, dietary changes will take time (at least 30 days of true commitment) for you to notice any changes. Keep a nutrition log if you like to track the changes - or just enjoy the exploration of new foods that make you feel overall healthier.

  The Mediterranean Diet is one that has been proven to have positive impacts on fertility. If you’ve been told by a doctor - or just want to experiment - with reducing or eliminating common inflammatory or non-fertility friendly substances like gluten, dairy, sugar, caffeine, or alcohol, give it a try. (Maybe or maybe not all at once…Again, try for a month and evaluate how you feel with and without these foods. If you feel great - keep it up. If not, move on to the next thing and slowly reintroduce the food group. Again, pay attention to how you feel and adjust accordingly.)

  This isn’t about restricting yourself, it is about exploring and rejuvenating your body. Nutrition can also be a great way to get a partner involved - especially males - as there are specific dietary changes that have been proven to impact sperm quality. Foods such as seafood, poultry, nuts, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables can all positively affect sperm health. (Source). For a list of 10 Fertility Foods, check out this free downloadable from Liz Shaw of Bumps to Baby. Or, if you’re ready to dive in, try the Fertility Foods Cookbook from Liz and her co-author Sara Haas.

• Try out a new hobby. Are you curious about meditation, cooking, crafting, or learning more about a topic of interest? Maybe it is something that could improve your fertility that you’d be up for trying - and maybe it isn’t. (Remember, this is a time of renewal and rejuvenation - not homework.) Use this break to commit to fully exploring and scheduling it into your life.

  Need some thought starters? Try a gratitude practice, meditation, exploring green beauty products, mindfulness, knitting, fantasy baseball, the history of your city or town, get involved in politics or volunteering…I am sure you get the idea. Ask yourself - what fills me up and leaves me energized? Then, start from the answers that come up.

• Get back to you. What have you stopped doing or given up due to your fertility journey? What impact does missing these things have on your life now?

  Often, when I ask women this question the answers I hear center around friendships, activities, quality time with a partner or spouse, reading for fun, travel, and the like. Most of these things can be added back into your life during a treatment break without a negative impact on your fertility - they may even have a positive impact by reducing stress, opening your heart and mind to new possibilities, and shifting perspective.

  Rather than immediately assuming you can’t do something because of your fertility struggle - ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen? And then ask yourself - what’s the best? Weigh the options and trust your instincts on how you choose to move forward. Of course, don’t do anything that would undo the hard work you’ve already put in toward building your family - but chances are, most of the things you will think of would only enhance your efforts.

• Set new goals. In many ways, having a baby and a healthy pregnancy can become our only goal - but so much of achieving this goal is out of our control. Realizing this can help set you free to broaden your activities and focus to encompass goals that are wholly within your control, especially when you are on a break from fertility treatment.

  Aim for small wins (I like to follow the SMART system) where you can fully control your path toward achievement. Things like: starting a visualization or meditation practice (Circle + Bloom has several options and free trials to get started + get 20% off through this link); establishing a morning or evening routine that sets you up for a great day or helps you wind down; diving into a reading list that thrills and stimulates your brain; developing healthy sleep habits and a delightful bedtime routine; starting a new project at work; setting or revisiting career goals; or identifying organization or home improvement projects. The list can go on and on. Whatever they are - make them fun and energizing and enjoy the rush of accomplishment.

• Focus on your relationship. If you are in a partnered relationship, you may have felt it strain under the pressure of your fertility struggle. This is completely normal. Conversations are dominated by fertility talk. Sex and intimacy are timed or restricted based on your cycle. Time together can seem to be focused only on this one thing - getting pregnant - yet that one thing seems to go unfulfilled month after month.

  This time off of treatment can be used to intentionally focus on broadening and deepening your relationship. Set aside time for fertility conversations - once a week or less if you can - and stick to that. The rest of the time is then free to reconnect, explore new topics of conversation, or try out new activities and hobbies together. Consider - gasp - having sex for fun again (some tips on intimacy during infertility here). If you feel you don’t really know or understand your partner’s perspective on your family building journey, use some of your “fertility time” for intentional listening to each other. (A great explanation of this is explained in this podcast from my friend and fellow coach, Karenna of Your Fertility Hub.)

Waiting is never easy and delays are frustrating. I hope this list is a helpful reminder of the number of ways you could reframe a frustrating waiting period into, instead, an opportunity that will bring you closer to your baby. If you need some guidance, to find motivation, or help staying accountable in getting started on this process for your journey, reach out and set up some time for us to chat. I’d be glad to help.

Some links in this post are affiliate links meaning if you choose to make a purchase through them, My Fertility Coach will receive a referral fee.

She had a plan. She had a new doctor, a terrific acupuncturist, and she had more information about her body and fertility than ever. She knew nearly the hour at which she would ovulate and had been assured by her new doctor that no major medical interventions were required.

So when she called me a few weeks later and cautiously whispered, “I’m pregnant!” I was not surprised. She was, understandably, anxious and fearful that the pregnancy would not continue and so we focused on staying present and giving herself space to breathe and relax which was her form of daily self care.

That pregnancy did not continue, unfortunately, and it was heartbreaking. For both of us.

She was able to move forward, though, with remarkable grace and confidence unlike earlier times after a miscarriage. Fear no longer controlled her path and could not keep her in a state of despair. A few months later, the hour of ovulation arrived and with a bit of progesterone and some additional monitoring with her doctor, the pregnancy continued to move forward - eventually passing beyond any of her prior pregnancies.

I got a 20-week ultrasound picture about a month ago. Baby is “healthy and perfect.” It looks like the world will get to meet her sometime this spring.

This story brings tears to my eyes and motivates me to work harder to spread messages of confidence, empowerment, hope, and acceptance.

It is this last one - acceptance - I want to pause on today. Acceptance is a funny one because it can often be confused with approval. As in, “accepting my fertility journey means I’m OK with it...that somehow it is a “good” thing.”

That’s not what I’m asking, nor is it something I believe.

Acceptance is defined as, “the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered”. It is only saying OK to what’s been dealt your way. To not denying that you are on a path you have not chosen. To letting go of the anger, guilt, or regret that you are on this path.

I believe acceptance is something we can do for ourselves. To stop resisting the path gives us the freedom to then choose how we will approach it.

And that’s what my client did. She chose to approach her path with persistence. She armed herself with information that gave her confidence she was doing all she could to become pregnant. She chose to keep going in spite of setbacks that previously had crippled her for months.

And, she leaned into the tiny voice of assurance that said she would be a mom - while pushing aside the other voice that shouted “but when!”.

There was no way of knowing last year what our conversation would be this year.

As she enjoys new milestones of announcing her pregnancy, healthy ultrasound reports, and soon-to-come birth and breastfeeding classes, my thought keeps going to “what a difference a year makes.”

I understand that for some, this year may not feel all that different from last, or even the year prior. And that is frustrating and difficult. While we may not understand why we are on this particular path - we can choose to accept, persist, and rise above to improve our experience along the way.

So, to you I ask - how can this next year be different for you? What can you approach with acceptance and, in doing so, give yourself the freedom to make choices that improve your path to baby?

To be clear, I don’t believe that practicing gratitude was something magical that resulted in my two healthy babies after years of effort and medical procedures. Nor am I promising that to you.

What I do think, though, is that a gratitude practice can create more joy, happiness, resilience, and self-esteem in your life. I believe it can be a lifelong habit that will improve your outlook and perspective for your family building journey and the challenges and joys that will follow. And, I’ve learned, it can have an important and positive impact on your overall health and well being.

So, won’t you join me in this year’s 21-Day Gratitude Challenge?

The premise is simple: for 21 days - enough to make a habit - commit to spending at least 5 minutes each day recording what you are grateful for.

The challenge runs officially from November 10 - November 30, 2018.

I’ll help you stay on track with a daily email including more information about the benefits of a gratitude practice and a prompt to help you get started that day.

You can share your thoughts, observations, roadblocks, and successes with me on Instagram (use #fertilegratitude), Facebook, or as a comment on this blog post.

When you complete the challenge, you will have a new life-long habit that could help you have a stronger immune system, sleep better, experience more joy, pleasure, and pleasant emotions, and feel less lonely and isolated (Source).

And, because giving gifts is one of my love languages, I’m offering a few incentives:

• Everyone who signs up to join the challenge before November 8, 2018 will receive a set of gratitude cards to inspire and keep you motivated throughout the program;

• Anyone who joins the challenge has access to me for a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation about what mindset shifts might be most helpful for your fertility journey (you’ll get a link to sign up in your email);

• All who complete EACH DAY of the 21-Day Challenge will be entered to win one of two great prizes: a beautiful “This Grateful Now” Gratitude Journal (my absolute favorite gratitude journal) or the Circle + Bloom “Positive Thinking & Mindfulness” Meditation Program (one of the best resources for guided meditations and visualizations). (See giveaway Official Rules.)

But don’t just take my word about the benefits of a gratitude practice. This 4-minute video of Dr. Robert Emmons, Ph.D. the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude is particularly motivating when I think about embarking on a gratitude practice:

I am looking forward to getting started. If you have any questions, just ask me.

Can’t wait to hear how it goes for you.

So I wanted to share some of my suggestions for how to cope with these (unfortunately, nearly inevitable) low points along the family building experience. I share them with love and hope that they may provide a little lift and a little ease during this season.

Allow yourself to feel - and learn from - your emotions

Our emotions exist to send us messages. The are meant to teach us to know when something brings us enjoyment or comfort or when something is uncomfortable and needs to be changed. 

There are no "good" or "bad" emotions. They are all simply messages to hear and learn from. 

So start with some emotional acceptance. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions you have...acknowledge them and thank them for what they may be trying to tell you. Maybe sit with some of them for awhile - even some of those "negative" ones like sadness, grief, disappointment, guilt, and fear. 

Do not try to avoid them...you will only set yourself up to have the messages compounded and begin to emerge in more uncomfortable ways. How you interpret the circumstance is where you begin to make "sense" of or appraise the situation - whether it is good or bad and the degree to which.

Allow yourself to feel the emotions and acknowledge them. Ask yourself, "how else can I think about this?" or "how can I change my response to this situation?", This practice can help you be more aware of the depth and range of your emotions which will allow you to cope, build resilience, and shift perspective. 

Read more about this here, here, and here.

Seek ways to infuse gratitude

There are several emotions we can feel and enjoy and science has shown that more of these moments can help us open our minds, be more present, and build resilience for challenging times. When I look at this list of common positive emotions - including joy, hope, and gratitude, among many others - one that stands out to me as maybe more readily accessible than others during a fertility struggle is gratitude.

Because we are often fixated on one outcome - healthy baby - in our fertility struggle it can seem difficult to say we feel "relief", "contentment", or "serenity" regularly. (Though I commend you for trying and am always happy to work with you to make these more present in your life.)

But, I do believe gratitude is readily available. It is an emotion that, with focus and practice, can start small and quickly grow.

A gratitude practice - consistent recognition of the aspects of our life we are grateful for - has been proven to have a positive impact on our relationships, health, happiness, capacity for empathy, sleep, self-esteem, and resilience. (Forbes). 

I encourage a daily gratitude practice. I encourage you to push yourself to find aspects of your journey you are truly grateful for. And when your fertility journey seems to be at a standstill or in a valley, I encourage you to focus on finding gratitude in other aspects of your life as a way to help you pull yourself back up.

As an example, during my journey, I realized that even though I couldn't be grateful for my struggle, I was grateful that I lived in a time and in a country where IVF was an accessible option for family building. I was grateful to have an employer who was supportive in the time off I needed for treatment. I was grateful that I overcame my fear of giving myself injections.

And in the down times, I was grateful for two feet that allowed me to run miles, a supportive husband who hugged me while I cried, friends who prayed for and with me, and hobbies and distractions that reminded me of life's little delights. 

If you'd like to try to start (or re-start) a gratitude practice, check out my free 21-Day Gratitude Challenge.

Move your body

Sometimes, the mental exercises become too much. Our thoughts seem to be churning and spinning and we're exhausted just from the mental gymnastics of the "what ifs" and the "should haves."

When these moments hit, try movement. Do what you can in the physical state you are in - if you have been told by a doctor to restrict your movement, please follow her instructions. But, more often than not, gentle movement like walking, restorative yoga, even swimming or push ups are allowed. Dance in the living room, slow dance with a partner. Move and breathe deeply. If you are at a point where exertion won't harm, go all out. Box, run, spin. Sweat, rage, and cry.

Send the oxygen and the blood all through your body and just dare some endorphins to be released.

Meditate

The benefits of meditation are many and varied. (See 20 of them explained here.)

Not the least of which include reduced stress and inflammation while increasing happiness.

Don't worry about doing it right or wrong. There's no such thing. Instead, give yourself the gift of quiet time to allow your tangled thoughts to unravel. Notice how you feel afterward.

Try apps like Calm, Headspace or for fertility-specific meditation, FertiCalm. 

Remember: This, too, shall pass.

My Grandma's words of wisdom, passed to my Mom, passed to me. "This too shall pass," is one of those mantras that surrounded my childhood and helped shift perspective on many situations from friend and relationship issues, to sports injuries, stressful classes and - yes - my fertility struggle. 

Nothing lasts forever in this life. Whether good or bad, our circumstances will change. 

Permanence is one of the 3 "P"s of developing resilience and it refers to thinking a horrible situation will last forever. In this case, that you will always be struggling with fertility. 

This is simply not true.

Shifting your perspective on Permanence - that your fertility struggle and season will end - can help bring some calm to the swirling mess of thinking we can find ourselves in. This helps build resilience to continue to walk through the mess. I wrote more on shifting perspective and the other two "P"s of developing resilience earlier this year.

In all of these suggestions, the common theme is to rest, take care of yourself, and show yourself love and kindness. It is OK to retreat for a bit, to regroup and allow space for healing.

These are just a few ways to cope during the bad or down times of a fertility journey. Let me know what you think - and what you’d add to this list - in the comments.

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]]>5 Ways To Cope With Bad News In Your Fertility JourneyErin McDanielFri, 15 Jun 2018 02:11:35 +0000https://myfertilitycoach.com/blog/2018/6/14/working-with-infertility-talking-with-your-boss-and-balancing-work-during-fertility-treatment59308d44e4fcb5becc62e5eb:59d3fa476f4ca3d6f3dacce4:5b230c608a922dca386ca5a1The questions that surround when and if to tell our employer we are going through fertility treatment is a standard part of the infertility process.

For some, it may be whether to accept a promotion or new responsibilities, knowing we are in the midst of building a family. Can we meet new demands while managing our treatment process?

For others, it is more about the stress of the workplace and workload. Does that somehow negatively impact our efforts to conceive?

And for most, there’s an element of stress associated with privately juggling doctors appointments, timed medication, travel, procedures that require days off of work but can’t be scheduled in advance, and need for confidential phone calls throughout the work day.

In all of these questions, there is the emotional part of infertility that cannot be discounted. As you well know, fertility treatments can cause distraction, moodiness, and perhaps a little less cheerfulness or flexibility than usual (#understatement).

Chances are, you’ve wrestled with each of these aspects of balancing work and your fertility journey at one point or another. Read on for some suggestions and shared experiences from me and some lovely members of the Instagram TTC Community (#ttccommunity). Check out the original post and all contributions here.

When to tell your workplace you’re struggling with infertility

The short answer here is - when the process of fertility treatment moves into your work time.

The stress of juggling all of this without providing your boss any context as to why can make it seem worse.

Today, most of us think about “work/life balance” as pretty fluid. There are times when we may pick up work during “off hours” and times when we handle something personal - an errand, a phone call, a quick email - when we’re “at work.” We probably don’t even think about them; they are all just part of the modern workplace.

It feels different, though, - and more stressful - when multiple doctor or monitoring appointments occur during the time we would normally be at the office. Or if we travel for work, have an open office floor plan, or aren’t able to schedule or take a personal day for procedures, the need to work around these factors can feel overwhelming.

The stress of juggling all of this without providing your boss any context as to why can make it seem worse. You may worry about her questioning your commitment or productivity if your schedule starts to seem erratic, you are missing more work than usual, or you consistently step outside to take a private call. You may struggle to maintain all of your commitments at work while not knowing exactly what day you’ll be out of the office for your egg retrieval.

When this occurs, it is time to speak up. You will likely be surprised at the receptivity, compassion, and flexibility your workplace can offer. And, you’ll probably feel a great sense of relief in no longer hiding the reason for your schedule, behavior, or mood changes.

For some, it is more comfortable to just be upfront from the beginning and avoid a “stress point” that often tips people into sharing with their workplace. Trust your instincts here and do what makes you feel most comfortable, soonest.

How to tell your workplace your facing fertility treatment

In my experience, having a brief, direct, and honest discussion with at least one person who can impact your day to day work life - be it a boss, manager, HR representative, or teammate - can provide a huge relief.

If we aren’t comfortable sharing our infertility journey with our good friends, it can seem too big of a leap to share with our boss.

Keep it simple and share at a level that makes you comfortable. Your employer doesn’t need to know all of the details and you could certainly share only that you have a “medical condition”.

As @coffeed.princess puts it, “[I] just outright [told my workplace] and too bad if they didn’t like it. Plenty of laws in place to protect us.” She’s right in that employees are protected from discrimination or invasion of privacy when it comes to medical conditions. If you’re truly concerned about either of these risks, do some research into your state’s laws to ensure you fully know your rights before you embark on the discussion.

In most cases, though, the risk of discrimination or privacy infringement isn’t actually the concern. It seems to be more about a desire to keep the experience private. If we aren’t comfortable sharing our infertility journey with our good friends, it can seem too big of a leap to share with our boss.

@Coffeed.princess goes on to share that even with IVF coverage and an open office atmosphere, she was still scared at first to share, but that she feels lucky for the support she received.  

Once you’ve decided to disclose, explain the anticipated impact fertility treatment may have on your schedule or productivity. Try - as best you can - to keep the emotions out of it. Offer alternative suggestions to scheduling, project timelines, or workload balancing. Present this as a situation that you have given a great deal of thought to and, very importantly, suggest a solution.

Here’s an example of the conversation I had with my my manager:

I need to let you know I’m currently trying to have a baby through IVF. It requires a lot of morning appointments. I may be later than usual on these days. The nurses call me with test results which is why I need to step out for private phone calls. Sometime next week, I’ll be out unexpectedly for a procedure [egg retrieval] and then a few days later, again for a follow up procedure [transfer]. Unfortunately, I don’t have control over these dates.

I’ve taken a look at what is going on in my schedule and here’s the plan I’ve come up with to make sure everything is accounted for...here’s what I think will need to get pushed back...and here’s my back up plan for the scheduled meetings in the event I can’t be there...

It was awkward. But he was kind, respectful, and intent on being as helpful as possible. There were no follow up questions (I’m sure he was afraid of prying) and I could tell he appreciated knowing what was going on; the changes in my schedule and mood had not gone unnoticed.

An enormous weight - bigger than I even knew I was carrying - was lifted. Instead of coming up with yet another excuse for work disruptions, I could simply say I had a doctors appointment or a procedure.

You will likely be surprised at the receptivity, compassion, and flexibility your workplace can offer. And, you’ll probably feel a great sense of relief in no longer hiding the reason for your schedule, behavior, or mood changes.

Another example from @heyfertility demonstrates how well these conversations can go - in ways we may not even expect. She shares, “I just blurted it out one day. I was so nervous. She was super understanding as she went through the same thing and ended up giving us her leftover Gonal and saving us $1000. I feel very lucky.”

One helpful tip comes from @preparing_for_our_lil1. She suggests, “I think you have to "know your audience", just like with any of this TTC stuff. My boss is a woman and a Christian, so I felt comfortable letting her know I was going to have appointments during the month of our retrieval and after that. It was scary and took a lot to step out and tell her but I'm glad I did. We hadn't told a lot of people at that point but I trusted that I could tell her and I would get the support I needed. When I had my miscarriage and needed to take time off, she was amazing and so supportive then, too, letting me know she and her husband pray for our journey. I am so lucky to have a compassionate manager and I know not everyone does or is able to talk with their boss the way I have been able to through all of this.”

It certainly helps if you have a close relationship with your boss already. @teebee85 shared her story as, "I am fortunate that I’m extremely close with my boss and share an office with her. I just closed the door one day and explained what was going on. She has been very supportive and understanding if I arrive a little late or need to take a half day. I even told her when I started my hormones in case I started acting crazy(I didn’t)."

Knowing your audience can also mean knowing your workplace. As @essie_holmes explains, “I work in early childhood education. So I feel like there is more compassion and understanding. I told my boss partly due to possible health risks (breakouts of chickenpox, risk of CMV etc). But mostly because in my sector we all obviously love and care about children, but also love and support each other. My boss gives me time off for appointments and treatments and such.”

You may not even need to tell your boss what’s going on, if you feel you can lessen the stress of balancing your workload and treatment with your teammates. One story from @michelle.daughenbaugh illustrates this:

I am a high school band director. I never told my principal but I did tell the other 2 directors I work with since we all share an office and work practically side by side each other. I was hesitant at first because they are men (I know sounds sexist) and I just didn’t know how they would react to me having to go get an ultrasound every few days when there wasn’t a baby. They never had to go through this with their wives so how would they truly understand? Fortunately they have been extremely supportive throughout this whole process. And! We are 14w with triplets!

This option to share with a teammate or manager rather than a boss is echoed in @mjj60660’s experience. She shares, “I didn't [tell my boss]. The manager I worked with knew and was supportive during the process.”

If these stories demonstrate anything, it is that there is no one right way to go about disclosing your fertility treatment to your workplace. But, I think most co-workers, managers, and bosses are understanding that their teammate or employees may face medical conditions and treatments. They are often willing to, minimally, accommodate your needs. And, you may even be pleasantly surprised by the amount of support you receive from them.

When to adjust your workload or schedule:

I hear a lot about stressful workloads, schedules, and workplaces. There’s often a concern that the stress of work will negatively impact the outcome of a fertility treatment. (It will not.)

Reducing stress from all outlets as much as possible during infertility, however, can only improve the process.

If you can, schedule or prioritize projects you can become immersed in during the waiting times. For the active times, look for ways to reduce unknowns, stressful situations, and deadlines.

I recommend finding a work balance that will work for you at this time. This probably will take some thought and a pen and paper. On a calendar, map out your fertility treatment timeline and then layer in your work commitments for the same time period. Your treatment timeline is (relatively) short-term. How can you shift work so that it fits with the treatment timeline and is part of a regular flow rather than a harsh interruptor? Writing it down, looking at a calendar, and making a plan can help us see opportunities and anticipate potential stress points.

If you can, schedule or prioritize projects you can become immersed in during the waiting times. For the active times, look for ways to reduce unknowns, stressful situations, and deadlines.

If you have personal time off available, try to anticipate what - if any - usage of it will help you feel confident that you gave this cycle your best effort. Maybe it is an afternoon or day, or a series of afternoons or days, off for self care. Maybe you have a good guess of your procedure timing and can schedule days out of the office in advance. Maybe you can negotiate a reduced-hour work week for a short time period to allow for you to feel less rushed getting to the office in the mornings.

One thing I’m often asked about my thoughts on taking extended time off of work - a few weeks or a month - for fertility treatment. My general advice is to think carefully about what you expect to gain by doing so. If the answer here is only “baby” - you may be setting yourself up for larger disappointment. As we all know, family planning is very rarely on our timeframe and even under the most “perfect” of circumstances we can still end up with a negative. If your goal for time off includes other, achievable, outcomes that are solidly within your control - then yes, maybe the time off will be well spent. Make sure you have goals that will leave you feeling accomplished and more confident at the end of the time off - with or without a pregnancy.

In sum, you will feel a sense of relief by sharing at least a minimal part of your struggle with your employer. You can take back some control of the process by managing and getting in front of potential work stressors when it comes to fertility treatment. And, you’re not alone in having these questions or balancing work and family building.

What about you? Have you shared your fertility treatment process with your workplace? How did you manage the conversation? If not, are these suggestions helpful? What is holding you back?

Additional reading:

• How to talk about infertility with your boss and not make it uncomfortable

• Three women on how infertility impacted their careers

How different would your life be if you had insurance coverage for the treatment you need to build your family? How different do you want this experience to be for those who will come behind you?

This is so far from a "done deal" and will not just happen. At this point, the bill is not much more than a nice press release and talking point. To make insurance coverage for infertility treatment a reality, the advocates who have stepped forward need our help. Government works by and for the people - that's us, friends.

If you agree that insurance coverage for infertility - a recognized medical condition - is important, then please make your voice heard. Our Misconception, two of these advocates who were in DC on Advocacy Day, wrote a terrific summary about their experience and how to help make this bill a reality. Please read and share.

Even if you aren't public with your journey, asking just the individuals you do share with to call, email, or write a letter will make a difference. And what a great response to offer for those "what can I do to help?" questions. Just pass along this link with all the details.

It breaks my heart when I hear from women how the cost prevents or delays necessary treatment to build their family. And, up until recently, it seemed a foregone conclusion that this was just another sucky part of the process. Here's a light, friends. Grab onto it and walk that way.

I'm joining the fight and will be spreading the word. Are you with me?