I weighed in last night.  I was so afraid of going for a month now but since Monday I have had a renewed spirit.  I was not scared to go at all yesterday.  I was just going to take reality for what it was.  I can’t change it immediately, I can’t pretend it is not real, I can’t do anything rationally except take it for what it is.  So I climbed in my truck after a very tough speedwork out at the track and left for my meeting.

I walked right into the building, went to the receptionist and asked how much I had to pay.  I haven’t paid since December of 2007 so I really had no idea.  She was shocked at my asking because she knows me and just felt that I was not going to need to.  She did not want to let me.  She was in denial.  I explained to her that I KNEW I WOULD HAVE TO PAY.  I also explained that my previous meeting place took away my doctors goal weight of 210.  They said I could not have it so that would mean I would have to weigh 198 for WW goal and I weighed 208 last time I weighed. 

She changed my goal weight back to my doctors weight which was very pleasing to me.  I loved it.  I went to the scale with renewed confidence that I would not have to be a paying member anymore.  I weighed in and had a great talk with my special leader.  It was all so very encouraging.  I told the whole group exactly how I had been eating and how I had been acting.  This too was also freeing.

I WEIGHED IN AT 204.  I LOST 4 LBS.

I often wonder why it is so hard for so many of us over-eaters to take care of ourselves.  I find it odd that many times we chose to hurt ourselves rather than build ourselves up with good choices and actions.  We may know what we should do but we still jump right into the false belief that over-eating, weight gaining, emotional eating, will make us feel better, cure our problems for the moment, etc.  Of course I don’t have the answer at all!!  I don’t exactly know why I do this or you do this but I do know that we do do it.  We act contrary to what we really want.  We act contrary to who we really want to be and probably actually are on the inside. 

Filling the gap with food is pretty much a compulsive and addictive behavior.  I am very familiar with behavior like this. HAHAHAHA  How do we stop it?????????????  I guess the only way is to develop good habits AND start a healing process for our inner world.  The inner healing process is of course the trickier part of the journey.  The inner world is what brings us to using food to cope.  Feelings of low self-worth, abandonment, shame, hurt, anger, fear, codependency, hanging everything on how other people feel, caring more about how everyone else feels and stuffing our own feelings.  All this stuff triggers our hopes that food will cure it all.  That food will be there when others aren’t.  That food will not leave us.  That food will not be mad at us.

Starting a couple of weeks ago, I really started on a deeper journey of this inner world.  I find that I so much of the way I feel about myself is based on my perception of how others are feeling either good or bad.  I struggle with all of the above issues and I am taking a stand against this head on.  I want to be healthier now more than ever in both mind and body.  I will begin to take care of myself.

34 points.  That’s what I ate yesterday.  That is pretty good for me lately.  Hey, I actually know how many points I ate so that is a MAJOR step in the right direction. I have been eating some pretty good and yummy food too.  I have not been golfing lately either and this has led to way more time to prepare for my eating menu, cook a nice dinner for myself and Audrey, and allow myself plenty of healthy stuff to stay satisfied longer.

I have weight watchers tonight and like Kim said in her comment yesterday, I am scared poopless.  Scared yet relieved that I am going to go get it over with.  Pay my money for the first time since Dec. 2007 and listen to the wise words of my WW leader.  She will be kind and gracious to me I know.  I will not miss this meeting no matter what.  If I miss this meeting it would me that I died on the way there or something.  No way am I going to miss out on this opportunity to do well for myself.  To take care of myself.  I will let you all know how it goes as soon as I know.

Yesterday started out well and it also ended well.  I stayed on program just as it is intended.  It felt good.  I feel good.  My confidence has increased a little bit more.  This morning I weighed in at 208.  God dang that made me feel bad.  I wanted to just give up again but that would just be counter-productive.  Giving up would only cause more gain.  So I move on.  I am still 2 lbs under my original doctors goal but I am not at my healthy weight right now.  I need to lose 20 lbs to be in my desirable range and I need to lose 10 lbs to be in my WW lifetime range.  This will be the first time that I have to pay since reaching life time a long time ago. 

I feel ashamed.

I feel embarrased.

I feel very much loss.

I feel defeated.

But I am returning.  When shopping for my food this Sunday, I had a harsh revelation of reality regarding my weight gain.  I realized that the 20-30 lbs that I would love to lose is actually going to take a long time to lose.  It is going to be a journey AGAIN.  Oh what the heck though.  I am human. Even though I have gained, I am still Jason, I am still and ultra-marathoner, I am still a runner, and I am going to make it just fine.  In the big picture of things, it really is no big deal.  This weight that I saw this morning is just feed back regarding my behaviour over the last 6 months.  There is no denying it.  There is no lying to myself about it.  I can’t trick myself into believing that it’s not real.  It is real and I must move on without guilt.  Without shame.  If I am to prove myself victorious once again.

Damn that was hard to put my weight into this post.  Good thing you people are nice. HAHAHA

Wow!  I am all worked up over this slow marathoner debate.  I know that this has been a debate for a long time and it is even creeping into the ultra realm as well.  Although in the ultra realm most people are more of a serious soul type inside so it is a little different.  Ultra runners seem not to be desiring so much being a part of running a marathon but taking part in a deeper part of themselves.  Anyway, back to what I came here for.

Did I graduate if it took me one year longer?

Did I get born if I am younger or older than you?

Did I make it to work if I am 5 minutes early even if you were 10 minutes early?

Do I have to be you to be me?

Do you have to be me to be you?

Do I have a successful career if I make less than you?

These are all questions that are based on the same argument that slow runners are not real runners.  It is a matter of definition.  I chose to define running as well, “moving along faster than my normal walk”.  HAHAHAHA  You don’t get to define my experience and I don’t get to define yours. Ringmaster made a point when she talked about  staying to the end of a marathon and watching the last finisher.  Dang that gave me chills.  This is serious business.  The last finisher gets to partake in the equisite joys of accomplishing something they were not exactly sure they could.  They wanted to be able to from the start, but at that final moment they leaped from fear, doubt, and maybe-ness right on into belief, wonder, thankfulness, and reality.  THEY DID IT.

My gosh, I am sure that I have felt like I was better than someone else in many ways, but this argument has really helped me to appreciate each person’s achievement.  It is their achievement, they own it, nobody can take it away.  It is sad that another person would try and take it away with cutting words.  I mean heck, most people never run a marthon and this includes most elite athletes.  Does this mean that they are not runners.  Does this mean that their efforts for betterment are wasteful.  Oh no sir!!!  This means they are running the way they want to run.  The way they need to run.  The way that makes their life better.

Running is an opportunity for someone to make better in life.  To feel better in life.  To enjoy better in life.  Running of course is just one way, but it is a way to improve many areas.  Of course I find Jesus as the main way, but running has helped me tremendously and I have actually had to counter the horrible thoughts that some of these people send my way about running.  People telling me that if you walk during a run i’m are not a runner.  Hey man, you try running for 4 hours by yourself in the rain after your ipod battery dies, walking feels good at that time. It probably added like 5 minutes to the whole experience.  You don’t have to hate running to be a real runner.  You don’t have to put yourself through major pain to be a runner.  All you have to do is partake of its goodness.  That is it.  If you want to be a marathoner, partake of its uniqueness.  You may never want to run one again or you may want to run them all the time. 

It’s up to you.  This is the beauty of running AND marathoning.  It is all up to you.  You can decide when to go, where to go, why to go, and how to go.  You can get a coach, you can read a book, you can run lots or you can run little.  My wife runs about three times a week for three miles each time.  This babe is a runner.  She has been more consistantly then me over our marriage.  She gets out there and that makes her a runner.

What makes a runner a “marathoner”?  All it takes is the partaking of it.  Drinkers drink.  Dopers dope.  Workers work.  Lovers love.  Eaters eat.  Speakers speak.  Marathoners marathon.

To all of you who worry about those purists who say that you aren’t a real runner or a true marathoner, DON”T WORRY.  These people are not the majority.  These people would do this type of cutting in other arenas of life too.  YOU are not their problem, THEY are their problem.  They are chosing to let someone else ruin there little glory.  You don’t have too.  Get on your feet.  Get moving.  Get to the finish line.  There will be someone there happy as hell for you and if there is not, you always have you to be proud of. Keep it up ya’ll.

Well, it turns out, that after I reviewed my running schedule after yesterday’s run that I was supposed to only do a 10 miler.  Dang.  No wonder it was so hard.  I got out there though and I got a WHOLE LOT OF THINKING DONE.  That is one of the best things about a longer run.  Whatever is longer for you, you just get more time to think things through rationally and creatively.  I had some good revelations during this run and I wrote them down in my new moleskine journal.  I am just writing away in this thing.

So the run started out good and I was running with Audrey.  I love to run with her and try to weekly.  My 8 and 15 mile route is the same out-and-back that I always use for them.  I take a left out of my road, run for 1.5 miles, turn right and run for another 6 where I come back home.  Coming back home is a lot of uphill so that makes it harder for me.  Going to the turn around I am always thinking, “man, I got this.  I feel great.  I can go faster than this.”  Then I turn around and start thinking, “man, can I do this?  Am I going to have to walk up the last part of this 2 mile hill?”  I made it home in one piece though and I was proud of the run.  My mental toughness is not where I would like it to be because I have been under a tremendous amount of mental stress and fatigue now for months.  So any run that I can finish the way I was supposed to finish it always makes me feel great about myself.  I also got a new jacket to run in that does not move around as much because it fits right.  Now I can have my ipod in my pocket and it doesn’t fly around the whole time.

I finished the 15 miles with an average pace of 7:37 per mile.  Even with the hills.  That is pretty good for me.

I am right on with my eating today too.  Just thought I would through that in.  I still have the “at home hours” but I think I will screech through victorious.

Drawing another line in the sand with my eating today.  Got my journal in hand, newish enthusiasm, and lots of good healthy food that I stocked up on for the week.  I have gained significant weight since my last weigh-in but I shall go and face the music nonetheless on Wednesday.  One can never try again/start over to many times but one can definately give up to many times.

Here I am somewhere in the middle of running 42.2 miles back in May.  During this race I ran, jogged, walked, hobbled, limped, etc.  I PR’d this race but still finished hours behind the leaders and the “real” competitors.  Did this simple fact nullify my effort???

HELL NO!

Neither does the fact that 1000’s may finish in front of you in a marathon.  A blogger dear to my little old heart recently posted on the topic of being a “plodder” or “back of the pack” runner in a marathon. There is heated debate on this topic because many  ”purists” feel that finishing a marathon beyond 5 hrs is not really running a marathon and some would even say that you are not really finishing a marathon if you finish that slow because you are not giving it your all.  Here is what I have to say on this topic.  I am so glad for ringmasters post because this is a topic that is highly meaningful for most people who aspire to running a marathon.

You see, it is somewhat of a recent trend that non-competitive runners and/or people would even attempt to run 26.2 miles.  Prior to these present times, marathoners were a fringe group of crazy people who were mostly competitive runners that wanted to test their (“their” is the key word here) limits and abilities. Since they were of a competitive nature they were also very interested in how they measured up to other runners partaking in the magical distance.  These people were well versed in shorter distances and wanted to move on to longer ones.  Now, however, people from all walks of life and from a vast array of athletic backgrounds desire to tackle the marathon. WHY?!!!  The reasons are the same!!!  This new group of people want to test their (“their” is the key word here) limits and abilities.  These are people who for whatever reason, had a light bulb experience, that lead them to believe that they too could push themselves beyond their current comfort zones.  They believe that by pushing, even if it is just once, beyond what they think they are capable of, that life will somehow be better.  They will be better.  They will believe in themselves just a little more.  They want to grow just like the “original” fringe group.

Here is my answer to the criticism of the “back of the packers”

• The purist group says that if you don’t run the whole way and suffer, you are not “running” a marathon. To me this is like saying when you take a day off from running you are not really a runner.  If you don’t run at a 6:00 pace you are not a runner.  This is saying that if you don’t run like I do, then your running efforts lack validity. I can promise you one thing, I have finished faster than 1000’s of people in marathons who never walked a step.  I have never run a marathon without walking and this includes my fastest time of 3:33.  I actually had “non-walkers” say they wished they could finish as fast as I did.  Running is personal and you are the captain of your running ship.
• The critics say that slow back of the pack runners are just showing up. Well no duh!!!  And in fact, I find that this is actually the truest of all victories in marathoning.  Reaching the starting line is the biggest victory because just getting there means that you have experienced a transformative process on your body and mind.  That is right!!  You have been through and experienced the same process that the front runners went through to get them to the starting line.  We all walk the line of belief and doubt, time, endurance, work, family, etc. to get to the start.
• The critics say that 5+ hrs is not the “best that you can do”. My first marathon was 5:45 I think.  Was I lazy?  Was I “just showing up”?  No!  I truly did what I could do with what I had in my little box of running experience.  I could not have done better on that day and at that time.  Of course, once it is over, it is easy to say “what if…..only if…..” but you can’t change WHAT IT IS.  This is an area of big concern to me because it is SO CLOSED MINDED.  Everyone has different natural abilities.  One person said that if you are under 50 and give it your all you should finish below 5 hrs.  BWAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA!  This must be coming from someone who has forgotten or with more natural ability then they think they have. Finishing 26 miles, especially in under 5 hrs, WILL TAKE TRAINING.  You don’t just go out and do the best you can do when trying to tackle a new and longer distance especially if the gap is from 0 to 26.  Most people who are in good shape would just totally bonk out and fail if they just did they best they could do without consideration of training.  And one more thing, pushing HARD WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PUSH HARD COULD BRING ON INJURY.
• The critics say that 5+ hour people ruin the magic. I am sorry but everyone is responsible for taking and holding on to their own magic.  Not a single person nor anything in life can take the magic away from your marathon finishing time except you.  If you run marathons simply for other peoples recognition of the magic, then this is not healthy either.  If a 3 hr person is standing next to a 6 hr person and they are both talking about their experience to a non-runner, there should be no reason that 3 hr person should feel cut-down.  Sure, the non-runner may think that it is not that hard when looking at the slower person but who cares what they think.  You know what it took to get you to your time.  Non-runners didn’t do it for you.  Slower or faster runners didn’t do it for  you.  Others perception of marathoners didn’t do it for you.  You did your marathon in your time because you wanted to do it and you did it the best way you knew how.
• The critics say that 5+ people should not get a reward for their “easy” effort. This just cracks me up.  Do you know how many marathons I have done and didn’t even pick up my shirt or medal.  These are nice keepsakes but the best keepsake of all is the little increase in the “I believe I am capable to…..”  meter.  To say a slower runner should not get rewarded just says to me that the critics are mad that their “fringe” group is just not so “fringe” anymore.
• It’s all by degree……….. What if a nice person were standing there listening to a critic (I have observed this in real life).  The critic talks about each of these points of why a slow runners are not real marathoners.  Then, the listener sarcastically says, “well, I just finished my first 100 miler last month.  I don’t think any type of marathoner is a real runner. HAHAHAHA”  What about this???  This person was joking in order to make the point that running is running and running is done by degree.  What one person thinks is lazy and easy, another person thinks is out of this world difficult or impossible.  In fact, the honest truth is, that most all fast marathoners would never even dream of running beyond 26.2 miles.  Does that make them less of a runner.  Does it take away from them or add to the ultra-runner.  NO.  We are the captain of our own running ships.

My story and progression.

Since I started running, I have been in all kinds of “fringe” groups.  I have done many marathons in 5+ hours.  I have done many below 5 hrs and on down in the the 3 hr range.  I have moved on into the “fringes” of the distance running world by running ultra-marathons.  One thing I have learned along the way that is essential is that one person’s journey cannot take away from another’s.  I have had people tell me that “back of the packers” ruin the marathon only because they don’t think I am or have been one.  I have bragged about my 50 mile runs only to have a very nice and humble “old timer ultra-runner” chuckle and then tell me about there 2nd place finish at the Badwater 135 mile run in death valley.  Did this guy mock me and tell me that I was nothing.  Heck no.  YOu know what he did, he sent me a personal email telling me it was an honor to share the road with someone who had had the drive lose weight and get healthy the way I did. Now this is the right way for the fast and slow runners to react.  Running is special and running is a privilege.  Some people don’t get the opportunity to run marathons even if they wanted to.

Like I said before, I have run marathons from 5:45 through 3:33.  I started somewhere.  I started with my first one.  I did the best that I could do with the knowledge and body that I had at that time.  What was the difference between 5:45 and 3:33.  Strategy, training, and physiology.  My strategy was different.  My training was different.  My body was different.  Did my 5+ hurt less, no not really.  Did my 3 hr make me happier, no not really.  Did my fast one make me discount the slower ones that I had run or the slower ones that people ran that day.  No, in fact, I sat and watched the slower runners come in with much emotion as they toiled within themselves to finish the last miles.  They looked just like me.  They suffered, they triumphed, the endured, they persisted, they finished.  I started out with a 2 mile run one day and ended up finishing a marathon 7 months later.  It was a life victory and nobody can ever take away from it or add to it.

ON THE FIRST WEEK OF OCTOBER 2007, I BECAME A MARATHONER IN 5 HRS AND 45 MINUTES.

Oh yes, th cocktail pep.  This is my favorite type of pepperoni.  I don’t buy it in the bag but rather from the little box at the gas station where the pieces are much much bigger.  I just wanted to show you guys one of my main weeknesses of late.

Yesterday was a good day overall.  I had an “easy” 6 miles scheduled which really wasn’t so easy at all really.  In fact, it was pretty challenging but I walked every 4 minutes for one minute which gave me a lot of breaks.  I will be doing all my easy and long runs with this strategy as it is the one I will use for the 100 miler.  There were a lot of hills on the course I did also.

Another funny little fact is that my ribs are sore as heck from my one mile time trial.  This must be from the magnitude of hardcore heavy breathing I was doing on the last two laps of the mile.  I am still sore two days later.  I finished up my run just outside of my driveway and walked in.  It was refreshing to my mind most of all. 

The weather is turning bad now where I live.  The rain is coming to stay for at least until around May or June.  I will be doing most of my runs in pouring down cold rain from hear on out until my 100 miler.

I also did good with my eating yesterday.  No pepperoni.  No candy.  Just good healthy food and I am feeling good about that.  I did eat a little bit of the secretary’s chicken strip today but only a tiny bit.  Boy was it tasty though.

World Record holder for the mile: 3:43.13

To the left is the current world record holder for the one mile distance.  Pretty amazing to go a mile in 3:43.  That is running about 16 miles per hour.  That is very fast. (This link will show you the progression of men’s and woman’s mile world records.)

Today I set my own record for the mile.  I ran a mile in 5:36.83 besting my previous record of 5:41 from only months ago.  Prior to that my PR was 6 something.  My legs turned to rubber after I finished and I still had the rest of my workout to do.  I ran 1.25 miles to the track, did my mile time trial, and then finished it off with 8X400 meters at my 5K pace (6:08).  It was a hard workout and my mental toughness was not where it normally is.  I really had to fight to keep on keeping today.  I have been going through a lot lately so mentally I am pretty damn tired.  I still did it though and I am proud of not giving up even when my lungs felt like they were on fire.  HAHAHAHAHA

Unfortunately, I had three pepperoni’s afterward.  I have been having the worst of times with my eating.  I want to do good so bad but I keep on eating junk.  I tried to draw a line in the sand like Steve said but I just haven’t been able to stay on the right side of the line.  Life is not over, the journey isn’t ending, but I have a lot of guilt and negative feelings about how I have been eating the the weight that I have gained.  I don’t like this as it is exactly the stinking thinking that I don’t want to be doing.  I don’t like.

On another note, I have been going through an intensive audit for three weeks now.  This audit is the intense scrutiny of every tiny little aspect of my job and my responsibilities there.  For 8 hours a day I am questioned, I am quizzed, I am doubted.  During the audit, I must provide scientific justification for every decision I make regarding my job.  My job is important, my job is essential, but so much of what these audit put you through is based on everything except common sense.  It is all based on the auditor covering their ass and I am trying to do the same thing while they audit me.  I argue with the auditor regarding my decisions.  Anyway, no matter what those suckers throw at me, I have the answer for them.  I have what they want.  In fact, even though the stress level is high, I am conquering.  I think today was the last day and I came out on top.  I won the battle.  Luckily, I had a nice auditor.  :)

It is time to go to bed.  I get depressed if I don’t get at least 6 hours of sleep.  So thanks for listening.  Thanks for commenting.  Thanks for caring.  You guys are great.  Each comment I read is an uplifting event that helps me maintain.