tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65379032024-03-08T10:34:37.059+05:30Humor 4 SudhirHumor stuff that I come across / read. <br>
Some of the contents may not be suitable for the easily offended or minors (as per whatever age limits your country's legal system imposes on you).Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comBlogger806125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-66152466623108598892012-11-22T17:08:00.001+05:302012-11-22T17:08:29.999+05:302012-11-22<p dir=ltr>The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.</p>
Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-25790549191105678352011-02-16T19:56:00.000+05:302011-02-16T19:56:57.913+05:30Laws worth readingLaw of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. <br />
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, ur nose will begin to itch. <br />
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Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. <br />
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Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. <br />
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Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. <br />
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LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. <br />
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LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! <br />
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LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. <br />
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THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.<br />
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Law of Nails - You feel the need of using nails the day you trim them.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-63815710039389448242011-02-16T19:54:00.000+05:302011-02-16T19:54:12.658+05:30Who is dumber?There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth." <br />
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The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot." <br />
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The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner." <br />
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The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off. <br />
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The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave." <br />
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Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing. <br />
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Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it." <br />
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Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-60618396174384280522011-02-16T19:44:00.000+05:302011-02-16T19:44:46.830+05:30Better late than neverA recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs as a parting gift by his former co-workers. <br />
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He had never golfed before. <br />
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Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons and explained to him that he knew nothing whatever of the game.<br />
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The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." <br />
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The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.<br />
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"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. <br />
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"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, once he was able to speak again. <br />
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"Oh great!" the beginner replied, "and you tell me NOW!!!!"<br />
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The pro fainted.<br />
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Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. <br />
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"I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.<br />
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The lawyer was aghast. <br />
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When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. <br />
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What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"<br />
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Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. <br />
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She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."<br />
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Shizo Kanakuri has been celebrated as "Father of marathon" in Japan.<br />
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He is best known for disappearing during the marathon race in the 1912 Summer Olympics.<br />
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He lost his consciousness during the race due to the heat and was cared for by a farming family. <br />
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He returned to Japan without notifying race officials. <br />
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Swedish authorities considered him missing for 50 years before discovering that he was living in Japan and had competed in intervening Olympic marathons. <br />
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In 1966 he was contacted by Swedish Television and offered to complete his run. <br />
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He accepted and completed the Marathon in 54 years, 8 months, 6 days, 8 hours, 32 minutes and 20.3 seconds.<br />
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Surely a record that will last forever!<br />
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*****************************Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-39672689202938192642010-11-30T18:47:00.000+05:302010-11-30T18:47:21.341+05:30Some Hilarious One Liners1. I say no to alcohol, It just doesn't listen.<br />
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.<br />
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.<br />
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.<br />
5. When everything comes in your way You're in the wrong lane.<br />
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..<br />
7. Born free, Taxed to death.<br />
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film..<br />
9. Life is unsure; Always eat your dessert first.<br />
10. Smile, It makes people wonder what you are thinking.<br />
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.<br />
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere.<br />
13. I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.<br />
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.<br />
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.<br />
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.<br />
17. In a country of free speech, Why are there phone bills?<br />
18. If you cannot change your mind, Are you sure you have one?<br />
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, Leave work at noon!<br />
20. If you can't convince them, Confuse them.<br />
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.<br />
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, So, I made your horn louder!<br />
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.<br />
24. The cigarette does the smoking, You are just the sucker.<br />
25. Someday is not a day of the week.<br />
26. Whenever I find the key to success, Someone changes the lock.<br />
27. To Err is human, To forgive is not a company policy.<br />
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.<br />
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, But, if you think again, neither does milk.<br />
30. In order to get a loan, You first need to prove that you don't need it.<br />
And my favorite ...<br />
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-24654336624492428732010-07-06T13:25:00.000+05:302010-07-06T13:26:45.641+05:30Classroom humorLittle Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.<br /><br />"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.<br /><br />A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.<br /><br />"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.<br /><br />Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.<br /><br />This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"<br /><br />... the teacher fainted!Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-35324558281951564132010-07-06T13:23:00.000+05:302010-07-06T13:24:46.074+05:30Thinking on your feetA man walked into the produce section of a Florida Publix supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. <br /><br />Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**@#$*e wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he....added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." <br /><br />The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " <br /><br />Kentucky , sir." the boy replied. <br /><br />"Well, why did you leave Kentucky ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and basketball players up there." <br /><br />"Really?" said the manager, "My wife is from Kentucky ." <br /><br />"No kidding?", replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-57904239052452428612010-07-06T13:21:00.001+05:302010-07-06T13:22:42.968+05:30Alternate DefinitionsADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.<br /><br />BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.<br /><br />CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.<br /><br />CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.<br /><br />COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.<br /><br />DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.<br /><br />EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.<br /><br />HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.<br /><br />INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.<br /><br />MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.<br /><br />RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.<br /><br />SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.<br /><br />SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.<br /><br />TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.<br /><br />TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.<br /><br />YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.<br /><br />WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-30082423874386714932009-09-18T16:17:00.001+05:302009-09-18T16:20:32.531+05:30WHY INDIANS GET ATTACKED ABROAD?It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.<br /><br />The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"<br /><br />She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.<br /><br />'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''<br /><br />Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.<br /><br />The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'<br /><br />She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'<br /><br />'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'<br /><br />At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'<br /><br />The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'<br /><br />Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'<br /><br />Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'<br /><br />Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'<br /><br />Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' <br /><br />Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'<br /><br />The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' <br /><br />And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th,<br />2008".(recession)Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-55036111893606867502009-09-16T16:17:00.000+05:302009-09-16T16:18:25.790+05:30The Shortest StoryA college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:<br /><br /> (1) Religion<br /> (2) Sexuality<br /> (3) Mystery<br /><br />Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class. <br /><br />"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-86688846681073770252009-09-16T16:03:00.002+05:302009-09-16T16:17:36.983+05:30And that's how the fight started ...One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot<br /> As a Christmas gift..<br /> The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.<br /> When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the Gift I bought you last year!"<br /> And that's how the fight started.....<br /><br /> *********************************************************************<br /><br /> I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'<br /> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.<br /> 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.<br /> So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'<br /> And that's when the fight started....<br /><br /> *********************************************************************<br /><br /> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we<br /> were In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to ?'<br /> 'No,' she answered.<br /> I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'<br /> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'<br /> So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'<br /> And that's when the fight started....<br /><br /> *********************************************************************<br /><br /> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.<br /> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the<br /> beer Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.<br /> And that's when the fight started......<br /><br /> *********************************************************************<br /><br /> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first..<br /> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'<br /> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'<br /> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'<br /> And that's when the fight started.....<br /><br /> *********************************************************************<br /><br /> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping<br /> The channels.<br /> She asked, 'What's on TV?'<br /> I said, 'Dust.'<br /> And then the fight started...<br /><br /> ======================================================================<br /> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary.<br /> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to<br /> 200 in about 3 seconds.'<br /> I bought her a scale.<br /> And then the fight started...<br /><br /> ==========================================================<br /><br /> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school<br /> Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his<br /> drink as He sat alone at a nearby table.<br /> I asked her , 'Do you know him?'<br /> 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...<br /> I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many<br /> Years Ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'<br /> 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a<br /> Person could go on celebrating that long?'<br /> And then the fight started....<br /><br /> ===========================================================<br /><br /> I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were<br /> Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.<br /> You Know How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just<br /> seem Funny?<br /> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!<br /> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,<br /> 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'<br /> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'<br /> And then the fight started...<br /><br /> =====================================================================<br /><br /> THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER<br /> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife<br /> Kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.<br /> But, somehow I always had something else to take care of<br /> First, the truck, the car, playing golf '<br /> Always something more important to me.<br /> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When<br /> I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,<br /> Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.<br /> I watched silently for a short time and then went into the<br /> House. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed<br /> Her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,<br /> You might as well sweep the driveway.'<br /> The doctors said I might walk again, but I will always have a limpSudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-73995520058110435742009-06-09T17:27:00.000+05:302009-06-09T17:28:02.511+05:30Male & Female Perspectives Of EvolutionA little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' <br /><br />The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' <br /><br />Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. <br /><br />The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' <br /><br />The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' <br /><br />The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his..'Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-30722959023177533332009-06-08T18:22:00.002+05:302009-06-08T18:23:26.367+05:30LotteryA woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. <br /><br />She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" <br /><br />The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" <br /><br />"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-64941485644762974122009-06-08T18:22:00.001+05:302009-06-08T18:22:40.915+05:30GolfingOne day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-85569786951781180462009-06-08T18:21:00.000+05:302009-06-08T18:22:12.608+05:30AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.<br /><br />2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.<br /><br />3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.<br /><br />4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.<br /><br />5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.<br /><br />6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.<br /><br />7. IF YOU CAN' T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">DAILY THOUGHT:</span><br /><br />SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-64651343503642723152009-06-08T18:19:00.001+05:302009-06-08T18:20:11.621+05:30GolfMoses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up first, and hit a pretty good one right down the middle, but it comes up short of the stream in front of the green and looks like it's going to roll into the water. Of course, the waters part, and the ball rolls up on the green, 1 foot from the hole.<br /><br />Jesus is next, and he smacks a pretty good one right down the middle, as well. It's only got a little more on it than Moses' shot, though, and it's heading right for the stream. It lands on the stream, and bounces and rolls on the top of the water, right up on the green and only 6 inches from the cup.<br /><br />The old man's turn is next, and he swings a mighty swing, but the ball begins to slice to the right almost immediately. It hits a tree on the far right, and just as it hits the ground underneath, a squirrel runs up and grabs the ball in his mouth, and proceeds to take off across the fairway. Just then, an eagle spots the rodent from the sky above, and dives down and grabs the squirrel in it's talons. It begins to fly away, gaining altitude, but right out of the lone cloud in the sky comes a bolt of lightening that zaps that poor bird right in the tail feathers, promptly causing him to drop the squirrel from his clutches.<br /><br />The squirrel falls to the ground next to the stream, and as he hits, the ball pops out of his mouth, bounces off a turtle's shell sunning by the stream, and rolls up onto the green and right into the cup.<br /><br />Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, dad!"Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-61280067949495421182009-06-08T18:15:00.000+05:302009-06-08T18:16:15.520+05:30Not your typical blonde jokeA beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.<br /><br />She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'<br /><br />With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'<br /><br />As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'<br /><br />She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.<br /><br />The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.<br /><br />Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'<br /><br />The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">MORAL OF THE STORY</span><br /><br />Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are menSudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-40307234381608254912009-06-08T18:13:00.000+05:302009-06-08T18:14:39.133+05:30A farmer in loveA guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,<br />"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."<br /> <br />The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,<br />"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."<br /><br />The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b**ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-58546407978247740832009-06-08T18:12:00.001+05:302009-06-08T18:12:36.683+05:30A little known fact ...A little known fact....<br /><br />The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974.<br /><br />It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-8636473505119939682009-06-08T18:11:00.000+05:302009-06-08T18:12:00.271+05:30Wisdom of older womenAfter being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’<br /><br />My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.<br /><br />Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-53068629451624706262009-06-08T18:08:00.001+05:302009-06-08T18:11:02.419+05:30Funny Church "Sayings"<span style="font-style:italic;">These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:<br /></span><br /> <br />The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' <br />The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.<br />-------------------------------------------------<br />A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.<br />-------------------------------------------------<br />At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered .<br />------------------------------------------------<br />The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.<br />------------------------------------------ ----<br />Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.<br />-----------------------------------------------<br />The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.<br />-----------------------------------------------<br />This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Ladie's Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.<br />------------------------------------------------<br />The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.<br />---------------------------------------------------<br />Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.<br />---------------------------------------------------<br />The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan, "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-48149028798509268912009-02-27T08:57:00.001+05:302009-02-27T08:57:25.434+05:30And then the fight startedMy wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.<p>She asked, 'What's on TV?'<p>I said, 'Dust.'<p>And then the fight started...<p>*************************************************************************************<br>My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. <br>She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 <br>seconds.'<p>I bought her a weighing scale.<p>And then the fight started...<p>*************************************************************************************<br>When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace <br>expensive...<p>So, I took her to a gas station..<p>And then the fight started...<p>*************************************************************************************<br>My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my <br>wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at <br>a nearby table.<p>I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'<p>'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to <br>drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he <br>hasn't been sober since.'<p>'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on <br>celebrating that long?'<p>And then the fight started...<p>*************************************************************************************<br>I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my <br>order first.<p>"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."<p>He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"<p>"Naaah, she can order for herself."<p>And then the fight started...<p>*************************************************************************************<br>A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy <br>with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look <br>old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'<p>The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'<p>And then the fight started..... .<p>*************************************************************************************<br>I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Kingfisher for $14.95.<p>Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.<p>I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.<p>And then the fight started....<p>*************************************************************************************<br>I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"<p>It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. <br>"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.<p>So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"<p>And that's when the fight started....<p>*************************************************************************************<br>When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me <br>that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had something else to <br>take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always <br>something more important to me.<p>Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.<p>When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, <br>busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched <br>silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only <br>a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When <br>you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the <br>driveway.'<p>And then the fight started...<p>*************************************************************************************Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-12167672332327554212009-02-27T08:53:00.001+05:302009-02-27T08:53:38.223+05:30$20 goes a long way...Just keep your mouth shutOn their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and <br>asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly <br>aroused state, her husband readily agreed.<p>This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 <br>years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new <br>clothes and other incidentals that she needed.<p>Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband <br>in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that <br>his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and <br>he had been let go.<p>It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.<p>Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty <br>years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million.<p>Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which <br>were worth over $2 million.<p>She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the <br>results of her savings and investments.<p>The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found <br>his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I <br>would have had sex only with you.'<p>That's when she shot him.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-4304307300458476392009-02-27T08:49:00.000+05:302009-02-27T08:50:00.997+05:30A trip to the fortunetellerA man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a <br>fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went <br>inside and sat down.<p>"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you <br>are the father of two children."<p>"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man scornfully. <br>"I'm the father of *three* children." <p>The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think..."Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6537903.post-84293906673172959302009-02-27T08:48:00.001+05:302009-02-27T08:48:27.206+05:30Need a day off? Here are some excuses you can use...If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices <br>told me to clean all the guns today. <br> <br>When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I <br>can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. <p>I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back <br>an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum <br>loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit <br>the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly <br>e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the <br>snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.<p>My stigmata's acting up. <p>I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, <br>who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of <br>48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.<p>I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart. <p>Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, <br>how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help <br>you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.<p>Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.Sudhirhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07617227228550332396noreply@blogger.com