After a month of failed attempts that nearly put local sandwich shops out of business, crews at the Campbell Soup Company headquarters in Camden, New Jersey, successfully capped a gushing soup well. This is the same well that exploded 38 days ago, sending a rich, creamy, vitamin-packed tomato wave across four city blocks.

George Pepperidge, spokesman for the food giant, praised the teams who worked to stem the flow of motherly goodness in a bowl. “Our engineering department did an mmm mmm good job, working around the clock to come up with a solution that was low in added sodium.” Soup lovers monitored the lowering of the cap over the Gusher That’s Good For You on a live video feed available on the company’s web site.

Members of Campbell’s elite Emergency Soup for the Soul brigade closed the gaping meal-in-a-can using the so-called “top kill” method, dumping tons of “overstuffed” RavioliO’s-brand authentic Italian food product into the vomiting well. The operation almost ended in disaster when several cans of SpaghettiO’s and Chicken Noodle O’s were added to the mix, starting a deadly O’s-based chain reaction.

A little over five weeks ago, crews were condensing a batch of Chicken and Stars, “when the whole thing went Boom!” said Sarah Johnson, one of the on-staff moms. “It knocked me clean to the floor. All I could see were these little stars circling around my head.” The explosion ruptured a soup main, sending flavor after classic flavor through the streets and waterways of the Garden State’s ninth largest city.

In the weeks since the initial blast, over 40 million gallons of lunchtime favorites flowed like Goldilocks’ proverbial porridge through the city. The tide included traditional standbys such as Cream of Mushroom and Chicken Noodle, and even newer Oriental-themed flavors, renewing the debate over whether you can dig a hole to China. Recent weeks have seen some of the company’s older offerings, including Hot Dog Bean. “Trust me on this,” said an unnamed Search and Rescue responder. “You don’t want to be around when Hot Dog Bean comes pouring out.”

Now begins the massive cleanup, as thousands of New Jersey elementary school students are pressed into service, spoons in hand. In an attempt to counteract those upset at the potential environmental disaster, the company will use its fleet of eco-friendly vehicles to assist in the effort, prompting one district manager to hit his head and exclaim, “I should’ve had a V8.”

[Image Credits: www.signgenerator.org]

With the economy struggling and federal spending at an all time high, the Obama Administration is taking a bold step to improve the long-term economic outlook. Yesterday, officials from the State Department posted an auction for the State of Louisiana on the popular web site Ebay. Bidding for the southern state started at $0.99, although by 10:00am this morning, 23 bids had already pushed the price up to $539.20.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton approved of the sale, calling it “The right state at the right time.” When asked whether last year’s “Rhode Island / Craigslist” incident would have any bearing on the sale, Secretary Clinton assured reporters that her department “would no longer accept personal checks.”

A review of the Ebay listing found the following description: “You are bidding on the State of Louisiana, one of fifty rare American states. Although this is a used state, it has been kept in good condition, with some minor oil staining along one edge. Portions of the levy system near Big Easy region may need replacement parts; current Army Corps of Engineers warranty is not transferable. This beautiful state comes with a Certificate of Authenticity signed by Napoleon Bonaparte. Buyer must pickup the state within 14 days of purchase, and must provide transportation. PayPal accepted.”

News of the auction came as a surprise to governors in states bordering the Gulf of Mexico. “All I can say is: It’s about time,” said Rick Perry, governor of the neighboring state of Texas. “It’s about d–n time.”

Joe Biden, normally busy with his hectic Vice Presidentialing schedule, held a press conference to discuss the sale. “I personally like Louisiana. It’s one of my four dozen or so favorite states. But the fact is that it’s a money pit. Between the hurricanes and the waist-high deep pools of BP oil, it’s cheaper in the long run to just sell the thing.”

The Treasury Department hopes to get at least $11 million for the state, just about breaking even with the original purchase price for the entire Louisiana Purchase transaction. Although the bidding level is still low after just 24 hours of activity, New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu expects a few “international high rollers or FEMA executives to snipe the lower bidders during the last ten minutes.”

No matter what price is received, the Administration has already made plans for the next state on the auction block. “Three words,” said President Obama. “Dallas Arab Emirates.”

[Image Credits: United States Postal Service.]

With the economy continuing its downward spiral, Iran counting the days until its nuclear dreams come true, and a general malaise within the Democratic Party, President Barack Obama announced today that he would invoke flight, invisibility, and other Executive Superhero Powers over the next three months. Although the president had yet to decide on a name for his heroic alter ego, he has already been fitted for a dapper dark-blue stretch suit with coordinated pale blue cape.

“Americans need not fear the future,” said President Obama in a press conference in the White House’s underground PrezCave. “Instead, they can have hope that my administration’s policies and my heat-ray vision will reduce the unemployment rate.” The president’s new sidekick, a masked government official with “Bidenmite” emblazoned across his chest, stood nearby as the crusader-in-chief spoke. “Together, we will fight for truth, justice, and the Sociali…I mean, the American way.”

Conservatives called the increase in presidential authority over nature “a typical left-wing ploy to deflect criticism of failed economic policies.” Newt “The Green Budget Machete” Gingrich, former congressional superhero (Republican universe) / supervillain (Democrat universe), laughed maniacally from his Fortress of American Contracts. “The President has taken a bold step today. But I promise you, this is a fight he will never win!” said Gingrich, along with other catchy super-mottos. A masked government official with “Lieber-man” emblazoned across his chest, stood by as the former House speaker, uh, spoke.

Highly classified, the constitutionally-protected superpowers have been the topic of much speculation since they were first codified by President Woodrow Wilson following an attack on the United States by mutant 30-foot ants near the close of World War I. Wilson’s use of cannon-blast fists and super speed brought about an American victory, but led to the subsequent election of Warren G. Harding. Ever since, the Department of Nemesis Defense has advised presidents against using the available powers.

Despite the warnings, Mr. Obama is confident his new abilities will put America on the right track. “Mild mannered approaches are not working,” said the president after leaping the 2010 budget in a single bound. “I promise to be bitten by as many radioactive spiders as it takes to defeat the combined evils of AIG, George Bush, Fox News, and the army of BP-trained zombies that are bringing our economy down.”

[Image Credits: Official White House photo.]

In an alarming trend that has deceased environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief, a heatwave across Hell has pushed temperatures into record territory. The calefaction in some regions of the already arid Hades plain has been so severe that several weather stations have combusted spontaneously in flashes of white-hot brimstone. Exclamations of “cool” by incorrigible children at seeing the explosions only serve to mock the air-conditionless atmosphere.

“I can’t recall it ever being this hot before,” said Nero, a long-time resident and a fire marshal in Hell’s Latin Quarter. “It’s summers like this that make one pine for younger days. Even my annual vacation to the Lake of Fire offers no relief.”

Underworld temperatures, which normally hover around ten million degrees, have been holding steady near twelve million. The exact reason for the change remains unclear, but the crisis is of such concern that the local Democratic-Republican Party has added a “Spiritual Revival on Earth” plank to their platform in an attempt to offset the heating effects of rampant sin.

Despite a cooling trend over the past decade, climatologists at the Eternal Weather Service said that the sudden uptick in hellish temperatures represented “a disturbing trend.” One demonic minion, who spoke on the laughable condition of anonymity, accused Heaven of driving up temperatures. “It’s their refusal to switch to energy-efficient lighting. If you are going to be the Light of Life, at least do so in a responsible manner. I swear, sometimes Heaven is just plain evil.”

Despite both emotions and environmental conditions reaching the boiling point, some residents of perdition called the claims of pending high-temp doom overblown. Adolf Hitler, a consultant with the Citizens for a Better Underworld, chuckled when asked about the long-term devastation. “Temperatures go up; temperatures go down. It’s one hundred percent natural. Those who believe in conspiracies about man-made eternal warming are no different from those who tout Holocaust theories.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]

The end of July 2010 marks the first anniversary of Humorality.com. To celebrate the event, Tim Patrick will take a much-deserved break for a few weeks. He promises to be nothing but serious during that time, saving up all of his actual humor for this site. But that doesn’t mean you need to be without a smile on your face. Click the Archive link to see articles you might have missed from the past year.

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]

In what is being called both a medical miracle and a miracle miracle, a team of doctors and chaplains has successfully completed the world’s first full-faith transplant. The operation holds much promise for the millions of people worldwide who suffer from faith-related diseases, including atheism, a debilitating and often fatal disorder known in the medical literature as “Acquired Faith Deficiency Syndrome.”

The transplant was performed at St. Joseph’s Medical Center in Minneapolis, a town known as “The Holy Land” by its predominantly Lutheran population. Lars Iverson, chief of Adult Fideliology at “Saint Joey’s,” moved to the Twin Cities nearly two decades ago with a dream of bringing medically-induced faith to its citizens. “People call this the Midwest Mecca, but the fact is that the spiritually disaffected wander the streets, hopeless, faithless, in need of urgent biblical care. I just hope today’s procedure can become the norm.”

The technology needed to transplant faiths has been around for more than ten years, but finding compatible donors has proved difficult. “Humans are born with an innate sense of faith that normally grows and develops well into their adult years,” said Mary Nelson, a member of the transplant team. “But since about the 1960′s, through a combination of poor spiritual eating habits and new diseases that target the faith centers of the body, we’ve seen a dramatic decrease in supernatural health. It’s something you just don’t expect in a land of plenty.”

The seven-hour procedure was performed on a 45-year-old male whose name has not yet been released pending a follow-up baptism. The donor was 78-year-old Estelle Halverson, a life-long Catholic who had been involved in a serious potluck-related injury at her church earlier that day. “She came in repeating ‘Hail Mary’ over and over again,” said Ms. Nelson. “When I saw the leather-bound King James in her casserole-encrusted hands, I knew we had a match.”

Despite the success of the surgery, it could be months, or even years, before the patient finds a church that is able to help him go through the full healing process. “Until then, we’ll need to keep him loaded up on anti-rejection medications,” said Sven Olafson, the transplant recipient’s primary care physician. “If the transplant takes hold, his body will generate antibodies on its own, defenses strong enough to withstand even arguments over the First Amendment’s religion clauses.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart.]

In a move meant to stabilize the current unease within the legislative industry, federal regulators seized the assets of seven underperforming senators at the US Capital. The names of the elected officials were not made available, but several senators were seen being forcefully carried out of their office by members of the ATF, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Congressmen, and Explosives.

“It was like a scene out of a movie,” said Sarah Watson, the front office secretary for Senator Al Franken (D-MN). “And I’m not talking about one of those cute Pixar movies, or those comedy romances that I like to watch with my boyfriend. To be honest, I think he’d rather watch some Vin Diesel action something or other, which is exactly the type of movie I was referring to.”

George Parcheesi, a long-time staffer to Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), said he just stood by with his mouth open as both the junior and senior senators from his state were carried away in shackles. “It makes you stop and wonder about what is happening in this nation when your own boss could be underperforming. You tend not to notice these things when you have YouTube up.”

The Justice Department, which coordinated the early morning raid, initially targeted nine senate offices for closure. “But then we found out that the reduced activities of Senators Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd might be justified due to their recent deaths,” said Attorney General Eric Holder at a press conference in front of the capital building. “We’ll continue our investigation, and exhume their bodies if it turns out they are just being lazy.”

Other underperforming senators rounded up in the coordinated action include Republicans Judd Gregg of New Hampshire and Johnny Isakson from Georgia. Other senators who were found milling around the Senate chambers didn’t seem to recognize either of those names, so the takedowns in those two cases seemed to be justified. The last two captures had yet to be identified, possibly due to their long-term inability to shock the nation with hypocrisy or scandal.

Today’s operation is the first time in nearly a decade that officials had raided the capital. In early 2001, Former North Carolina Senator John Edwards (D) was briefly detained for failing to cast several key votes. But when further investigation revealed that he was mulling a run for the presidency and that he was elected mainly due to his handsome features, he was released on his own recognizance. Senator John Kerry (D-MA) didn’t return calls about the incident, citing “ongoing anger issues.”

It is unclear how the removal of nearly ten percent of the upper chamber will impact the balance of power on The Hill, or how it will play out in the upcoming midterm elections. Harry Reid, the incumbent senior senator from Nevada and current Majority Leader, perhaps summed it up best: “Put me down! Put me down! You haven’t heard the last of me!”

[Image Credits: Capital image from official US Senate web site. Closed Sign image from Microsoft Office clipart.]

The USS Enterprise, the United Federation of Planet’s flagship vessel, reached a grim milestone today as it announced the death of its 1,000th red-shirted security officer. The news came on what was an otherwise uneventful day in its ongoing mission, apart from simultaneous attacks by the Romulans, the Klingons, a cargo bay filled with Tribbles, and the cookie brigade from Girl Scout Troupe number 34923402.

“Our goal is to seek out new life, and regrettably that is going to involve new deaths,” said James Kirk, captain of the warp-capable starship. “The sacrifices of these brave crewmen will be remembered always, although their names have already slipped my mind, if they even had names to begin with.”

According to Federation sources, the 3,342,767,129,652-horsepower cruiser suffered its 1,000th security death five days ago when a red-clothed ensign, a recent graduate of the Space Security Program at the University of Phoenix, was instantly vaporized by malevolent, non-corporeal, trans-dimensional, energy-based life forms on a previously uncharted planet. The ship’s sensors identified the planet as “one more in a long string of idyllic, lush, and safe Class M planets, with a less than one percent chance of harboring danger or peril.”

Amnesty Universal, a non-governmental group that likes to keep track of things like this, said that the death was certainly avoidable. “It’s not like these were casualties of the ongoing Below-Zero Cold War with the Romulans. This ship was on a mission of exploration and peace. ‘Pieces’ is more like it. Do they even have an exit strategy to get us out of the galaxy once and for all?”

Science officer Spock, the Enterprise’s second in command, called Amnesty Universal’s statements “illogical.” “We have no choice but to send these personnel into harm’s way. As every citizen of the Federation knows, our advanced firepower and minimal understanding of the cultures we encounter are sufficient to guard against needless tragedy. The people of Earth and other like-minded planets can sit back and relax, knowing that their comfort and lives of ease are supported by our efforts.”

But as the death toll continues to mount, ordinary people are standing up to moan and complain. “What happened to the Prime Directive?” asked Gertrude Stargazer, no one of any significant importance beyond this brief interview. “If other worlds want to rise up and kill us, why should we interfere with their internal affairs? It’s not like I wear red.”

[Image Credits: Unknown]

The United States Supreme Court today issued a ruling in a contentious Kansas-state case that has pro-choice advocates up in arms against their pro-battery-life counterparts. In a 5-4 decision, the court affirmed that states may impose restrictions on cell phone users who wish to abort their two-year contracts during the final eight months. States could already impose such limitations during the first two trimesters, although only seven states had the backbone to do so.

Chief Justice John Roberts read the majority opinion in State of Kansas v. Planned Phonehood of the Midwest, which was enjoined by the court’s other conservative-leaning members. “Although we fully understand the rhetoric of ‘a caller’s right to choose,’ the state also has a compelling interest in protecting the rights of cell phone service contracts, certainly among our nation’s most vulnerable business documents.” Justice Stephen Breyer, a Bill Clinton appointee who frequently votes with the liberal wing of the high court, spontaneously combusted as the opinion was read from the dais.

Tim Dobson, founder of Focus on the Cell Phone and host of a popular radio program, praised the ruling. “America cannot be known as a country that allows its un-renewed contracts to be murdered in the name of convenience,” said the electronics psychologist on his daily program. “Today’s decision restores the founder’s vision of life, liberty, and the right to enforce one-sided contracts.”

The crux of the case was whether businesses like Verizon and T-Mobile could offer early contract terminations to its customers during the final trimester of service, those months when such contracts have the best chance of being birthed anew for another two years. In the days leading up to the ruling, protesters had frequently gathered outside of big-box stores such as Best Buy and Starbucks Club, carrying signs with statements of “Contract Killer” and “Cell No, We Won’t Go.”

A clerk at an AT&T Wireless shop in Hollywood, California, didn’t seem to even know what the Supreme Court was. But a manager at another AT&T store, this one actually in Kansas, felt sympathy for the protesters. “These are people who have had to face some of the biggest challenges in their lives, living for nearly two years with our spotty service. If they want to pay ridiculous early termination fees for what is a perfectly legal procedure, I say let them do it.”

Despite the controversy, Sam Brownback, the senior US senator from Kansas, sees the court’s move as the right decision. “All we are asking for is a little sanity on this understandably divisive topic. Remember, every early termination stops a beating smart phone.”

[Image Credits: Microsoft Office clipart]

President Obama took some time out from his busy deficit-spending activities to sign an immigration-related order that some are calling “executive.” The order enacts a new set of rules for the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) that bring it in line with the same “opt out” policies currently applied to internet users, medical patients, and various endangered species.

Under the new guidelines, all those in the United States who were formerly classified as illegal aliens will now be known as citizens, unless they check the appropriate opt-out box on the new ICE Form A4832-4GS3 Revision 6.2010. The form will also need to be signed, notarized, affirmed by a witness, stamped by a postal service employee, and blessed by an ordained priest, pastor, rabbi, imam, shaman, witch doctor, or any senator over 65 years of age.

“Simplicity,” said Barack Obama at the signing ceremony. “It’s all about simplicity. For decades our leaders in government have been bogged down in partisan bickering over issues as silly as what defines a citizen of the United States of America. It’s time to put our differences aside.” At the same event, the President signed a second order that provides scholarships and student loans for the Electoral College.

Immigrant rights groups praised the change in national policy. “¡Viva los Estados Unidos de América!” said Carlos Smith, one of nearly eleven million new citizens. “My familia when through mucho hardships trying to get to this country. But now those hardships are gone. If I had one thing to say about my new country, it’s that it is easy.”

Not everyone was joining in the celebration. Ron Paul, who tried to win the Republican primary during the 2008 presidential race with his controversial “good cop, bad cop” election strategy, rejected the new immigration standards. “Switching from an opt-in to an opt-out citizenship focus is a scandal. It’s nothing more than a way for government-run-amuck to bring unwanted intrusions into the homes of hundreds of millions of residents, intrusions such as lowered produce costs, Juan Valdez look-alike contests, and unsolicited phone calls from Nancy Pelosi. We need more than an opt-out policy. We need a National Do Not Immigrate Registry.”

Immigration and Customs Enforcement promises a smooth transition, despite not having any of the new canary yellow forms available for at least twelve to eighteen months. “We are asking new immigrants to please bear with us while we address these changes,” said John Morton, the head of ICE and an all-around nice guy. “Until we have everything set up, we ask that you come in and make yourselves at home.”

[Image Credits: Unknown]