humorzo

"Google Still Struggles To Explain Why Real People Should Care About Google+"

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:50:14 -0700

“Google Still Struggles To Explain Why Real People Should Care About Google+”

- no, not borowitz, forbes!

"From the moment that Aisha took to the stage, for Latvia, in the first semifinal, with a..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 01:12:37 -0700

“

From the moment that Aisha took to the stage, for Latvia, in the first semifinal, with a hostage-to-fortune special called “What For?,” I settled down to enjoy a vintage year:

I’ve asked my Uncle Joe
But he can’t speak
Why does the wind still blow?
And blood still leaks?
So many questions now
With no reply
What for do people live until they die?

That is a good question. And even better was Aisha’s answer:

Only Mr. God knows why
(But) His phone today is out of range.

”

- anthony lane loves him some eurovision

"Google fans seem to eat this kumbaya stuff up, to really believe it. —Daring Fireball"

Thu, 16 May 2013 01:02:04 -0700

“

Google fans seem to eat this kumbaya stuff up, to really believe it.

—Daring Fireball

”

- google, of course, being the least kumbaya place on earth.

"T]he only thing these new options share is that Netflix’s customers loathe them"

Mon, 13 May 2013 13:29:48 -0700

“T]he only thing these new options share is that Netflix’s customers loathe them”

- reed just has that magic touch.

"… Richwine had written a Harvard University dissertation in 2009 that said immigrants’..."

Fri, 10 May 2013 14:34:50 -0700

“… Richwine had written a Harvard University dissertation in 2009 that said immigrants’ intelligence quotient scores were “substantially lower” than those of white Americans and that the difference “is likely to persist over several generations.””

- ah, the heritage foundation. lots of thinking in that think tank.

"A popular move is to slap the victim in the back of the head,” said Edward Santos Jr., a San..."

Thu, 09 May 2013 21:44:24 -0700

““A popular move is to slap the victim in the back of the head,” said Edward Santos Jr., a San Francisco police lieutenant. “The phone goes flying up in the air and many of these guys have gotten so good they’ll catch the phone in midair.””

- no comment needed.

"There was a huge outcry when Google announced the imminent death of Reader — but you might not..."

Thu, 09 May 2013 20:54:59 -0700

“There was a huge outcry when Google announced the imminent death of Reader — but you might not immediately understand why. Google Reader is notoriously ugly …”

- what google page is not.

"I have considerable confidence that the current generation of students at Berkeley will not again..."

Thu, 09 May 2013 20:52:22 -0700

“I have considerable confidence that the current generation of students at Berkeley will not again engage in such activities.”

- clark kerr, chancellor, uc berkeley, spring riots of 1956

"… so Agee immediately went to Tennessee on assignment, interviewed some poor people, and began..."

Thu, 09 May 2013 20:13:34 -0700

“… so Agee immediately went to Tennessee on assignment, interviewed some poor people, and began writing a story about them. This was routine in those days, it was basically one of the twelve steps.”

- alex carnevale is so damn good

"I think we can walk the narrow razor of white trash only so long."

Wed, 08 May 2013 17:26:59 -0700

“I think we can walk the narrow razor of white trash only so long.”

- cher.

"Home transforms Facebook from just a social network into something akin to a neurological disorder."

Wed, 08 May 2013 15:36:22 -0700

““Home transforms Facebook from just a social network into something akin to a neurological disorder.””

- borowitz quoting zuckerberg

"She needs everything. She’s, uh, she’s is in a panic. I guess she’s been kidnapped, so you know, put..."

Wed, 08 May 2013 15:34:19 -0700

“

She needs everything. She’s, uh, she’s is in a panic. I guess she’s been kidnapped, so you know, put yourself in her shoes.

—Charles Ramsey

”

- put yourself in her shoes

"Stephanopoulos asked Ramsey if he had noticed any signs that his neighbor could be capable of the..."

Wed, 08 May 2013 15:29:51 -0700

“

Stephanopoulos asked Ramsey if he had noticed any signs that his neighbor could be capable of the crimes he is accused of.

“No,” he said. “Isn’t that scary? Either I’m that stupid or his kind are that good.”

”

- smart & observant

"In America, liars are always made to feel bad about ourselves, as if what we’re doing is wrong"

Wed, 08 May 2013 15:21:34 -0700

“In America, liars are always made to feel bad about ourselves, as if what we’re doing is wrong””

- okay, it’s borowitz

"The turnout rate of black voters surpassed the rate for whites for the first time on record in 2012"

Wed, 08 May 2013 14:53:01 -0700

“The turnout rate of black voters surpassed the rate for whites for the first time on record in 2012”

- historic moment, dudes.

"The former Enron chief executive, now known as inmate #29296-179 …"

Wed, 08 May 2013 14:41:48 -0700

“The former Enron chief executive, now known as inmate #29296-179 …”

- has a certain ring to it.

my god, that could be helen mirren

Tue, 07 May 2013 18:32:00 -0700

my god, that could be helen mirren

"… the Pentagon released a study estimating that 26,000 people in the military were sexually..."

Tue, 07 May 2013 16:43:28 -0700

“… the Pentagon released a study estimating that 26,000 people in the military were sexually assaulted in the 2012 fiscal year”

- people. hmm. of what gender?

old cemetery, tennessee

Tue, 07 May 2013 15:52:55 -0700

old cemetery, tennessee

"The police say the colonel approached a woman in a parking lot in Arlington near the Pentagon and..."

Tue, 07 May 2013 15:39:01 -0700

“The police say the colonel approached a woman in a parking lot in Arlington near the Pentagon and grabbed her breasts and buttocks before she fended him off and called 911.”

- you gotta wonder about … the male. i know i do.