Joke A Day

Merry Christmas to all of you

2010-12-17T19:17:00.000-06:00

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Women Drivers - Watch this Video

2010-12-16T06:27:00.001-06:00

Here is an amazing police pursuit video (Length - 55 sec). You've seen stuff like this before but how often does the perpetrator turn out to be a woman?

Drunken Animals in Africa - The Marula Tree

2010-12-15T17:48:00.000-06:00

This is a real video (2 min. 49 seconds) from a French documentary about Africa ... You may not understand a word, but the video is funny. There are trees that grow in Africa which, once a year, produce very juicy fruits that contain a large percentage of alcohol. The tree is known as the "Elephant Tree," because elephants
have a fondness for the fruit. Because there is a shortage of water, as soon as the fruits are ripe, animals come there to help protect themselves from the heat. What happens next, you can watch for yourselves. You can easily tell who over indulged!...

PS The tree is the Marula tree. You can buy a great liqueur named "Amarula," which is made with Marula fruit and cream.

A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM

2010-12-14T14:34:00.000-06:00

Of course I loves ya darling

You're a bloody top notch bird

And when I say yer gorgeous

I means every single word

So yer arse is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So yer belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round dere

I'm tellin ya the truth now

I never tells ya lies

I think its very sexy

Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs

I swear on me grannies grave

>From the moment that we met

I thought you was as good as

I was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the hockey's on

And get me a nudder beer.

.....Doesn’t it just bring a tear to the eye?

(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)

Irish Alzheimer's

2010-12-04T05:43:00.000-06:00

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you do it?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. Awhile back I misplaced me hat, and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine, and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat!"

Classic Golf One Liners

2010-12-02T11:44:00.000-06:00

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk... Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five... John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf... Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is... Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that... Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death... Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness... William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt... Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up... Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one... Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced... Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons... Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top... Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!... Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf... Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball... Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling... Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty... Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them... Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures and not in still waters... Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle... All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie... George Deukmejian

Finally...

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe... Lee Trevino

An Alternative Solution to Full Body Scanners at Airports

2010-11-30T15:16:00.002-06:00

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.

The explosion will be contained within the specially fortified steel booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate any long and expensive trials. This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 109 leaving for..."

Works for me!

The Good Old Days

2010-11-29T14:11:00.001-06:00

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents' home.

I'd worked overtime and scraped together enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.

Shrimp Cocktail, Lobster, Champagne , Dessert .

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a b**w job tonight."

So I asked her, "More Pie?"

10 Reasons I'd Rather Be Golfing

2010-11-27T10:09:00.000-06:00

Friends always ask me why I like golf so much. I put this post together to visually illustrate why I like golf or rather why I prefer it to other sports...

Hockey Player Breaks Ankle... ouch!

Hockey... not a pleasant site. (Photo courtesy of Buzman.org)

Bull gores bull fighter in crotch...

This speaks for itself... anyone care for Bull Fighting? (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

This football player is gonna have a sore head...

Football? No thanks, they die young but not before blowing their knees out. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

Formula One car disintegrates in mid air... what fun!

Car racing? It would be fun... once. On a track by myself. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

Rider has arm run over by motorcycle. Eeeeewwww

How many people die on motor bikes every year? (Photo courtesy of Unknown)

Oh Oh, the landing is gonna hurt.

Mountain bikers can be insane... this was not well thought out. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)


Whoa Horse! I said Whoa!

I've been thrown from a horse. Once was enough. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)


This soccer player is using the wrong end.

Admittedly soccer is pretty lame. This guy is gonna hurt - better than all the sissy girls rolling about grabbing their shins. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

I don't think the arm is meant to go that way!

Weight Lifting? Um... no thanks. I don't look good in spandex. (Photo courtesy of Strange Cosmos.com)

Golf carts are a golfers best friend.

Um... I have lost count. Was that ten? (Photo courtesy of Unknown)

Military Time

2010-11-25T12:45:00.000-06:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

From the Mouths of Babes...

2010-11-21T08:54:00.000-06:00

Keep an eye on your grand kids when you are out shopping with them or this might happen to you...

My small grandson got lost at the mall.

After accessing the situation, he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

Alarmed by this the guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big chests."

Are you from Winnipeg?

2010-11-20T22:20:00.000-06:00

Forget Rednecks...

Canada

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Winnipegers from Canada:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If 'vacation' means going anywhere South of Brandon for the weekend, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km... you're going 95... and everybody is passing you, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with ice & snow, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Winnipeg, Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your friends, you definitely are a proud Canadian from Winnipeg.

Puns for the High Brows

2010-11-17T06:30:00.000-06:00

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

My Old Man

2010-11-16T05:28:00.000-06:00

Ever listen to your Grandfather recalling the good old days...

"When I was a boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1. I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 3 Bottles of milk, 2 loaves of bread, a box of tea, a hunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays...

Too many bloody security cameras!"

The Irish Farmer

2010-11-15T13:38:00.000-06:00

A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer

2010-11-11T18:57:00.000-06:00

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. 'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
Answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl.

'What about you? '

'I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,'

Replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way

So they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'

Replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull

Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.

'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!!!

Amazing Painted Hands

2010-11-05T16:22:00.000-05:00

AT&T is a cell phone carrier that knows how to promote locally and internationally. Take a look at these great posters. Using just hands and a phone, they have created painting hands that depict each country promoted.

Aztec Art - Mexico

Australian Boomerangs

Brazilian Dancers

Buckingham Palace Guards - England

Cheetahs - South Africa

The Great Wall - China

A Chinese Dragon

Pharaohs - Egypt

The Eiffel Tower - France

Elephants - India

An Iguana - Paraguay

Roman Colosseum - Italy

Japanese Geisha's

Russian Minarets

A Moose - Canada

Palm Trees - Morocco

Red Peppers - Mexico

Stonehenge - England

Toucan - Costa Rico

Angel Fish - Bahamas

Tulips - Netherlands

Siamese Fighting Fish - Japan

Viking Long Boat - Norway

What a Woman Really Means...

2010-11-04T07:38:00.000-05:00

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine…

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

The Mercedes Maybach - Ultimate Luxury

2010-11-04T07:29:00.000-05:00

The car pictured below is a Mercedes Maybach.
Note the 'recliner' rear seats, and the electrostatic' sunroof. It turns from opaque to crystal clear depending on the passengers preference. The car even has a bar tucked into the seat console.

Amazing Pumpkin Sculptures by Ray Villafane

2010-11-03T04:34:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately we didn't come across these amazing Pumpkin Sculptures in time for Halloween but better late than never...

The Artist: Ray Villafane

Ray began carving pumpkins on a lark for his art students in a small rural school district in Michigan. The hobby changed his life as he gained a viral following online and unlocked his genuine love of sculpting. Here are images of pumpkin carvings Villafane created over the past five years.

Google's Mountain View Home

2010-11-02T09:53:00.002-05:00

Can you think of a better company to work for than Google?

Check out these photos of Google's Mountain View California Home Office...

Relax in the Aquarium Room

A Typical Google Lunch... Free

Slides for Quick Access to Other Floors

The Free Cafeteria

Care for a Cookie?

For Stress Relief

Google's Solar Array

Relax in the Library

Need a Massage?

Who Parked the Plane in the Lobby?

Take a break - Play Pool or Video Games

Private Cabins for Personal Affairs

Swim in Place Wave Pool

The Tech Support Bar

Interesting Couch?

Google's Zooglers hard at Work

Baseball Pictograph Puzzle

2010-11-02T07:05:00.000-05:00

So you think you know Baseball, see if you can figure out this puzzle.

What is the score ?

Scroll down, Rookie!

It's 5 to 4, bottom of the fifth, one out and nobody on.

A Good Golf Story

2010-10-18T09:56:00.001-05:00

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

Golf Made Easy Video

2010-10-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

Get yourself a pen and write down what this golf pro has to say about playing golf.

It can't get any simpler...

How did he do that....

Extreme Mountain Bike Photos

2010-10-17T09:46:00.001-05:00

Every so often you come across something stunning - we have no opinion regarding the intelligence of the people partaking in the following Mountain bike photos but you can't argue that the shots aren't as spectacular as they are scary.
Photo credit: Victor Lucas

Absolutely amazing...

But we have one question...

Can someone explain why they are wearing helmets? Wouldn't parachutes make more sense?