Husband Hunting 1,2,3

Timeless - Johnny Oops 11

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:10:00 +0000

Timeless is the story of Johnny Oop’s second son—a rocket scientist who flies a spaceship to a far away Planet with his inner self, Outy, and marries a bald Blue lady by the name of Ala who never ceases asking Johnny funny questions. They have a son called Johnworld who is Magenta colored, has Yellow hair and perceives his mission in life to be to propagate different races. They spend most of their lives trying to ward off the prejudice and bigotry that follows people of color.

Discriminated against back on Earth, Johnny Oops 11 sets off once again in another spaceship together with millions of Indolts—Ala’s people, and the Magentas of which Johnworld is the first. They have to shrink all their people temporarily down to their essence—in the case of the Indolts no more than the equivalent of an eighth of an once and convert each of them to bar codes laminated on to blue plastic disks one inch long by two inches in diameter. They travel through time rather than space enabling their trip to be timeless.

When they reach their destination they reconstitute the Indolts and Magentas back to normal size using giant scanners. On their new home of Neverworld they meet other races of various colors and stripes called the Fugats, the Juicers, and the Three Tribes.

Before long they form a Great Society, which is intent on not color-coding their emotions. After fighting off skeptical suicide bomber Mimon birds who don’t believe they can succeed, they discover a new reality and enter the Paradise of their dreams.

Excerpt Chapter 28

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Thu, 12 May 2011 00:02:00 +0000

With a great deal of relief I decided to continue making love to any one and everyone who suited my whim; celibacy is not the type of lifestyle I crave. This recent escapade had convinced me that I, and only I, have the word and the power and the glory that was always going to be mine. Sharing is not an Opps family virtue, and definitely not an option I wish to pursue. I feel so relieved.

I ran out to the garden, without looking around to see if anyone was watching, and started dancing around wildly shouting, “I’m the man, I’m the Prophet. I’m the one. There will never be anyone as great as me. That’s the word. I’m the Messenger. I should know. I’m the Prophet. I’m the man.”

From the kitchen of the mansion where my faithful flock was watching, listening, and preparing to party again, I could hear a collective sigh of relief as all in one voice they said, “Amen.”

Happy days were here again and all was right for this feckless group that made up the bulk of my entourage. They were so happy; they spent most of the rest of the evening cooking up a drug infused stew. It was smooth and velvety, yet heavily laced with a liberal sprinkling of canibas and the fine liquor of a pungent and thoroughly corrupt life style.

The pervading aroma of unpredictability wafted up from the stew through the open kitchen window and out into the garden where I was standing in the bright moon light, washing myself, and mimicking the stone cherub statue in the goldfish pond. I breathed in deeply, relief flooding through every pore in my body, nostrils flaring, as the unpredictable smell of the insatiable all consuming stew hit my nose.

I was getting myself ready for what was to come. I continued my prophetic crazed dance of shifting images, alternate visions of reality, and quantum language chants as I prepared to program a new beginning for my flock and myself, but who is programming me? Maybe it’s the Game Master. Maybe it’s the Almighty Maybe they are the same. Maybe all I’m missing is a little pinch of love. I wish I knew who I was.

Pure Entertainment

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 20:52:00 +0000

Johnny Oops, The Rocket Fuel Of Captivating Fiction

Available for only $0.99 on Kindle and in print on Amazon.com at $14.95

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041KL52M

Shocking Dream Excerpt From Johnny Oops

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 18:44:00 +0000

I was going through my roommate’s socks in the dark looking for his stash when the lights came on. He grabbed my arm, and spun me around shouting, “What the hell are you doing?” He didn’t tell anyone else, but when he calmed down he made me promise I would get myself straightened out. I promised I would, but I didn’t mean it. I was hooked and would do anything to get more dope. I’m pathetic and despicable. I hated myself.

Back in my room at the fraternity, after one of my meetings at Eight Ball's apartment, I lay on the bed trying to make sense of what was happening to me. I had the window shade down and didn’t know whether it was day or night, nor did I care. I figured out I’d rather be stoned than spend all my time being serious and unhappy.

Where the hell did I leave my stash? I don’t even know what I’m doing – some genius. Maybe I’m not real. Maybe my whole life is a fantasy. Maybe some Game Master is playing with my head. I can’t go on like this.

The truth is that except when I’m having sex, I feel like crap—emotionally impotent. I’m oversexed. When I’m having sex, I’m in control. I’m a big man. My Dialectic Spiritualism Religion is a load of crap. I’m a load of crap. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now because I’m depressed and feel so damn sorry for myself, and no one else cares. No one gives a shit about me.

This is ridiculous. I’ll smoke some more weed or snort some cocaine so I don’t have to have these thoughts any more. I have a little stashed away from Sunday’s football game, or was that last week. I don’t remember. I only have a little money left from my winnings and can’t afford to buy any more coke, or get caught trying to steel someone else’s stash again. Now where did I put that stuff? I remember wrapping it up and putting my precious parcel in the dresser, or did I put it in the closet? My God, I hope I didn’t leave my stash in someone else’s room by mistake.

Why am I lying on this damn bed shaking and sweating? I stink and I need a shower, but I haven’t got the energy to drag my sorry ass down the hall to the bathroom. I can’t find my stash. I won’t be able to function. Everyone is laughing at me. My nose is running.

Finally, I feel sleep coming on. I’m so tired. I think I’m dreaming. I’m a fly caught in a web of shredded marijuana leaves. I want to get away, but my wings are entangled. The only way to get loose is to break my wings as I struggle to get free, but then I will lose the part of me that can climb higher and higher and feel great.

What should I do? My Quanta, the sub atomic particles of my essence, are colliding with the little that is left of my senses. I’m shrinking. I’m stuck in a rut of my own making. Slowly, I lift one foot off the bed to the floor and try to stabilize myself, but that isn’t helping. I must be having some kind of drug-induced reaction, or am I in a trance. Who’s that whispering? I can hear you. I know you’re talking about me.

Oh God, I hope I remember where I put my stash.

Hi, I’m Arthur Levine the author of the novel Johnny Oops. To find out more about Johnny please join us at http://johnnyoops.blogspot.com or

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041KL52M

Hold The Presses, Johnny Oops Thoughts Are Running Off the Page

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 11:24:00 +0000

New York, NY—Johnny Oops, the principal character in the novel by the same name has such a vivid imagination that it’s hard to contain his thoughts to the printed page.

Unlike you or I, Johnny is not in the least inhibited. He is used to saying what he thinks and meaning what he says. How he comes up with wild story after wild story that baffles the good intentions of the author is beyond contemplation. Let’s just say that it’s hard for the author to keep up as Johnny jumps from one world to another and from one reality to the next.

Join Johnny Oops as he charges across the country acting as if he were a prophet, sinning like a charlatan, and in his own way attempting to spread the word of God by touching other people. Travel with him as he survives a plane crash in Venezuela, drowning in France, and a stabbing at his home in California. Enjoy yourself with Johnny as he discovers his inner self—a one-foot tall albino with pink eyes dressed in a Boy Scout uniform. Suffer with him as his scandalous affairs are revealed. Have fun trying to predict what Johnny will do and say next in his self appointed role as a guru. Question with Johnny whether everything that is happening is real.

And if that isn’t enough, with Johnny there is always more. Watch as Johnny reaches out to touch other people in the privacy of their inner souls.

What does, womanizer, sex maniac, prophet, charlatan, and genius have in common? They all aptly describe Johnny Oops. Johnny spends his time veering from one reality to another as he travels different worlds and experiences numerous second comings, and tries to fathom whether he is being controlled by a game master in a virtual reality game or is actually in the service of God.

Johnny Oops, The Rocket Fuel Of Captivating Fiction

Available for only $0.99 on Kindle and in print on Amazon.com at $14.95

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041KL52M

Who Are You With For thanksgiving?

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 16:24:00 +0000

I hope you are with someone special for Thanksgiving.

Arthur

CHAPTER 13 Excerpt Johnny Oops

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 13:41:00 +0000

Sometimes I don’t engage my brain. Only when we were about to leave for Egypt did the thought strike me that there probably weren’t going to be many good-looking babes amongst the mummies. My God, what have I gotten myself into: a whole summer of celibate philosophizing in a foreign country, dust storms and death in the heat of the desert? This is not exactly what I had in mind.

To make matters worse, I found out the Professor’s wife wasn’t going to join us on the trip. Who was going to cook for us? I guess flat biscuits weren’t her thing. No wonder God parted the Red Sea so the Jews could exit from Egypt during Pharaoh’s time around 1570 B.C. Who wants to hang around with a bunch of dumb dead mummies whose idea of music probably revolved around a rock band called the Walking Deadbeats, banging a bunch of pots and pans? Oh, I forgot they didn’t have pans in those days. I guess that’s why Mrs. Armstrong didn’t want to come along. She wasn’t going to be able to make her delicious biscuits. I think the heat is getting to me and I haven’t even left the country yet.

Before we got on our charter flight from San Diego International to Cairo—the good professor had booked us on this special flight with a bunch of other college groups to save money, Security took a special interest in us, making us remove not only our shoes, but also our socks, in an examination that took the better part of two hours. They made us strip down to our shorts searching for whatever, and would have done worse if we didn’t complain.

I personally think it was because the two security guards were female, but the good professor said it was probably because we were going to Egypt. Thank God I didn’t keep my parents gift of steel spiked boots. They probably wouldn’t have let me on the plane.

The woman security guard who was conducting our search said, “Okay, now take the rest off and bend over.”

I said, “No Miss, I will not.” What the hell is going on here? I’m not a prisoner on the way to jail. I thought we were supposed to be searched by men. I want to see the head of security.

“What’s the matter, big boy, you shy? You’re blushing,” said the female security guard who must have weighed three hundred pounds. Her skinny, pimple faced friend laughed from a corner of the glass-enclosed cubicle, holding her hands in front of her eyes in mock embarrassment at my nakedness. The room, part of a maze of inspection rooms, was bare except for a small metal table and one desk type chair.

“Not anymore, lady. I’ve got nothing left to hide, and stop poking me with that electronic wand. You’re supposed to use that to see if I’m carrying any hidden weapons. Do I look like I’m carrying a hidden weapon?”

“Take your underpants off, big boy, and I’ll let you know.”

Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 13:25:00 +0000

Hi everyone, please take a look at the interview about me and my novel Johnny Oops by Soooz from Goodreads.com

Arthur

http://sooozsaysstuff.blogspot.com/

Is Your Sexuality Inhibiting You

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 17:58:00 +0000

Johnny is always testing life’s borders. Join him and discover how far you are willing to press your own vision of reality. Is God really a Game Master? Are we all bit players in a giant virtual reality game? Is your sexuality inhibiting you?

Good Place To Meet

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 20:49:00 +0000

A good place to meet the man of your dreams young lady is at the Dry Cleaners. At least if he is there he is taking care of that ring around the collar and may just be the right one to give you another kind of ring.

Start spending a lot of time there. You can let the tailor take down the hem on your skirts which are too damn short. You do wear skirts, don't you? Whle you are at it get rid of those smelly jeans. they are too tight anyway.

Excerpt - Husband Hunting - CHAPTER 40 – PASSION

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 23:07:00 +0000

Passion is a requirement for finding a suitable mate.

… “No, I am not talking about sex. We have to have a passion for life in order to find a proper soul mate.”

Passion is the nineteenth key to a successful hunt.

We have to desperately and passionately want to be with Mr. Right. OK. So I am talking about sex. What’s wrong with sex anyway? It’s a natural act, isn’t it? It’s the kind of thing that makes life interesting, isn’t it? It’s what the birds and the bees and tigers do, don’t they?

… “What’s that darling, I’m all sexed up? So what, I have a right to be passionate if I want.”

I guess I better give you young ladies some passion rules while I’m at it. I’m in such trouble with my wife now that it really won’t make a difference.

1.Always use protection – that goes for him too.

2.Don’t have sex with more than one man at a time

3.DNA tests are a good thing

4. Don’t be promiscuous. There’s that P word again. In this case it means don’t sleep around.

5.Don’t be frigid. Men don’t like that

6. Act like this is the best sex you ever had.

7. Try and get him to say he loves you. Men will say anything when they are passionate and having sex.

8. Try not to grunt or moan to loudly. It’s a turn off and may disturb the neighbors next door.

9. There is no such thing as kinky sex, is there?

10. Keep your eyes open.

11. Under no circumstances yell out Geronimo.

12. Tell your lover he’s the best.

13. Don’t laugh in his face.

14. Size counts, but it isn’t everything. It is like placing a television advertisement. Frequency and Reach are important too.

… “What’s that darling, I am losing my mind? I am an oversexed idiot? Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

… “Yes young lady, this is the short form set of rules for having sex. I haven’t got the stomach for the long form, do you?”

…”What’s that young lady, his p---s is too small? If it doesn’t fit don’t commit. That’s the long and short of it. Oh boy I am getting myself in such trouble can’t any one get me out of this?

… You don’t have the other young ladies problem? You could go on forever? Your man is so great. Give a guy a break, will you? I am talking about the man you are hunting. He can’t go on forever. He needs a rest.”

You have to think about what the man wants. You have to care about him. I don’t want to hear you have to feel satisfied. You have to be complete. You want more. Remember that half a loaf is better than a lazy loafer. Give your guy a break. He needs to relax and have some fun too.

… “You are trying to relieve your stress? How, by putting him under stress? This is not sex on demand of the pay per act type. This is supposed to be true love.”

Have a little compassion for your lover. He will last longer that way.

… “That is not what I meant young lady. Boy have you got a lot to learn. Sex isn’t everything you know? It’s the passion you bring to the table that counts.”

… “No I am not suggesting you do it on the kitchen table. What’s wrong with you?”

… “What’s that young lady, you are tired of listening to my lectures? I don’t lecture people, do I?”

… OK so I do, so what. I will lecture, cajole, insult, and even lower myself to giving instructions in order to help make you successful in your hunt.
… “You don’t want to hear any more lectures from me?”

… “From now on you are going to listen only to the terrific tiger you have fallen in love with? How do you think you caught him?”

… “Yes darling I know I talk too much. I am trying to avoid having to listen to another one of your lectures.”

… “What do you mean what if you stop cooking me dinner; will that make me pay attention and listen to you? What if I stopped eating at home, will that make you pay attention and listen to me? When was the last time you cooked anyway?”

… “OK darling, I will stop with the what ifs if you will.”

HUNTING FORM - Excerpt from Husband Hunting 123

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:08:00 +0000

You wouldn’t go hunting a lion wearing a bathing suit and armed with a fishing rod would you? This may not apply to you personally, but if any of it does don’t get insulted. Get your act together and get prepared to hunt down a husband.

… “No it is not proper form young lady to hunt down someone else's husband. You have got to find one of your own. Now lets get started.”

Your fork is not a spear and your knife wasn’t meant to stab something with. Try and exhibit some decent table manners. If you don’t know what they are go read about them in an etiquette book. Remember that anyone’s gross behavior except for his own can easily turn off the animal you are hunting.

Your tiger also has a keen sense of smell. Tobacco mouth and body odor may send him running in the other direction. This is his den and he is the only one that is allowed to smell bad at least for now. You can change that after you catch him. But be careful, you don’t want an angry tiger in your tank do you?

Don’t have a dirty mouth in public. It might embarrass him. What you do in the bedroom is your business. What ever turns him and you on is the proper procedure when you get to that stage in your relationship. For now let him do all the cursing and swearing. It probably makes him feel like a big man. You don’t want him thinking you’re a big man too, do you?

Keep your hair off your face. He might think you were trying to hide something otherwise. No body piercing or tattoos please. Mr. Perfect might find them a turn on, but not in someone he would consider marrying. Remember that at this stage he probably isn’t considering anything except getting you in bed. Leave the hardware at home, and be sure it’s well hidden from view or don’t invite him over.

Don’t wear cloths that are too tight, too revealing, or too manly – no pinstriped business suits. Leave something to his imagination. If he doesn’t have any imagination then you’re barking up the wrong tree and chasing after the wrong dog. Cut the bastard loose and find someone else. You have to find someone who at least holds the promise of being alive.

Don’t try and tell jokes. Most men hate women who tell jokes. They think that’s a man thing. You have to pretend he’s funny. He won’t know your faking it. It’s OK to laugh a lot at his jokes. Even if they are not funny, you can laugh and laugh. I never told you this finding a husband thing was going to be easy. If you want to get the prize you have to make a real effort.

Making an effort is key to success number three.

You just can’t lay back and wait for Mr. Right to come along. By the time you get into action, he may have come and gone. You are going to have to become proactive.

… “What’s that young lady, you like to do it with your eyes open? That’s none of my business. This is not a sex clinic.”

I almost forgot to tell you. Don’t under any circumstances arm wrestle with him. You don’t want him to think you are one of the boys, do you? And under no condition try and out drink him. If you succeed, he will think he has lost his virility and blame you for being frigid. Remember, husband’s to be are totally irrational creatures. Otherwise why would they allow you to manipulate them and get them to commit to marriage?

… “What’s that young lady, you don’t do any of the things I just told you not to do, and you still haven’t found a husband? This is only the beginning. We have lots more to cover. Don’t get discouraged. We have only just begun to hunt.”

… “Hunt what, why your man of course? You do want a mate, don’t you? You are willing to try new things aren’t you? You do know what you want, don’t you?”

… “Don’t worry young lady, I know what you want. You want a husband. Are you willing to compete for him?”

Now that we have gotten through some of the basics let’s go on to the heavy lifting. Oh, remember to let him do the heavy lifting.

For more information go to http://husbandhunting123.blogspot.com

No More Black

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:01:00 +0000

Black is out young ladies. How is a prospective near sighted tiger supposed to spot you if you are wearing a black coat, black pants, and a black Mickey Mouse tee shirt? It is time to start wearing some bright colors so that you will get noticed. The only thing that should be colorless is your gum. Stop chewing bubble gum in public. There are subtler ways to get more of a bang for your buck.

More advice later.

.... I can't help it if I am making you mad. Someone has to shake things up around here. Get rid of the gum.

New Years Reality Check

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 01:01:00 +0000

Do you know if the tiger you are hunting is real? Go to http://johnnyoops.blogspot.com to find out.

Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 12:16:00 +0000

Happy New Year. Let's continue the hunt.

Regards,

Arthur

CHAPTER 13 – EMERGENCY - Excerpt Husband Hunting

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:51:00 +0000

… “What do you mean you’ve been going with the same guy for five years and he’s having a crisis? It’s not a midlife crisis is it? You two can’t be that old, can you?”

… “OK I’ll stop asking questions right after this next one. What the hell are you two lovebirds waiting for? If you have been roosting with this soon to be old rooster for this long, it is time for crisis intervention.”

… “I don’t care if he’s seeing someone else.”

… “I don’t care if he says he loves you, but he never wants to get married. You have wasted your life with this bastard. Tell him you are going to sue him for half his assets as his common law wife if he doesn’t marry you. That should shake the old man up. Tell him it’s now or never. Either he makes an honest woman out of you or you are moving on to greener pastures. Give him a grand total of one day to make up his mind. Do not see him during this period of time. Do not take his calls. If after one day he doesn’t propose then dump him. The crotchety old bastard isn’t worth it. Stop fooling yourself.”

… What’s the big rush young lady? So you met this handsome dude and he has swept you off your feet. He tells you he loves you and has to have you. Tell him he can have you after he has made a commitment.”

… “Yes I know that’s old fashioned. Tell him you are an old fashioned type of girl. Tell him you still believe in marriage and having children. Tell him if he really loves you he will do the right thing. If that doesn’t work, you know the routine, move on to number ten, eleven etcetera.”

… “I am sorry to hear you caught your intended in a bar last night with a beautiful blonde. I thought you were a beautiful blonde. Are you sure he wasn’t with you? Don’t get so uptight. Men are philanderers you know. What do you expect from Mr. Sleazy? By the way, what were you doing in that bar? Who were you with?”

… “Sure, sure, I know. You were out with the girls because lover boy said he had to work late. My advice to you is to stay out of bars young lady.”

… “My dear young woman, you have to understand that with most men sports and being with the guys comes first. That’s the way it is going to be until you teach him otherwise. This takes time and patience. I do not consider this to be an emergency, just a normal part of life. By the way, are those season tickets to the football game on the fifty-yard line? Do you think I could borrow them sometime?”

… “Yes darling I know I have to stay home with you. I just thought I could go see a game when you go to visit your mother.”

… “She is coming here? What have I done to deserve this?”

… OK I’ll forget the football game. You and your mother are more important.”

… “She is coming to give me some expert advice?”

Excerpt from the how to book Husband Hunting 1A

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:12:00 +0000

CHAPTER 6 – WHERE TO MEET MR. FANTASTIC

… “What’s that young lady? I’m sorry to hear you are disappointed. It’s not my fault that the drunken dreamboat you met last night gave you the wrong telephone number.”

… “It just keeps giving you a busy signal when you call? What do you expect from some bum you met at a raunchy bar at 2 AM? That is not the proper hunting ground for you to find your mate. While you’re at it, stop calling that number. It’s the IRS hotline. You don’t have those kinds of problems too, do you? Sometimes life has more questions than answers. You have to learn to go with the flow.”

Try finding your mate for life in a decent place. That way you might find someone decent. How about going to a church social for singles.

… “Yes young lady, there are men who want to meet a nice girl.”

… “No, not every man that goes to a church social is a loser or a wimp. The only losers are the young ladies who don’t try and find a decent guy.”

… “OK, so you’re not so young. There are plenty of guys who are not so young either. Get in there and mix it up. You and Mr. Potential are not getting any younger you know. At least at your age you are both probably trying to find each other. See we have a meeting of the minds and common objectives. That means there’s hope. Get to work. Time is running out.”

Having hope is key to success number five.

Sorry young ladies, I don’t have a list of places for you to go to stalk your intended right now. Make up your own list. If you spent more time researching your options and opportunities, this might go a lot easier. But be careful of trying to find your future love on the Internet. You can run into a lot of weirdoes there. If you do use the Internet try a dating service. The better ones prescreen their applicants. You might try the library. You do remember where the library is, don’t you? Maybe Mr. Right is doing some research at the library. You could stalk him in the stacks and get to see how he stacks up.

If you do try to find Mr. Unbelievable through the Internet, or the classified section of a magazine, here is a super special trick to make sure he hasn’t tricked you with the picture of himself that he sends you. Agree to meet him at a busy hotel for a drink. Tell him you will be wearing a black dress with a white carnation, and find out what he is going to wear. Then don’t wear the black dress wear something pink or blue and no carnation.

If you gave him your photo, change your hairstyle and wear sunglasses. That way since you know what he is wearing and he doesn’t know what you are wearing or look like, you can check him out without wearing yourself out.

Boy, I am getting worn out from all this dressing and undressing. Anyway, if you don’t see some man wearing what he is supposed to be wearing that can only mean that he is trying to play the same trick on you, is a no show, or gave you a phony photo. Wait twenty minutes and head for the bar. By this time you will probably need a drink.

When you walk in look around. The three hundred-pound guy at the end of the bar with the warts on his nose is probably your blind date. Go directly to the bathroom, and then leave through the back door. This is definitely not Mr. Wonderful. I hope you are not worn out by now, but it is better to be wary than worn out trying to make small talk to some short fat slob you wish you never agreed to meet in the first place.

Am I getting too chatty? Are you following all this? It is confusing, isn’t it? But then when you try to trick someone you may end up fooling yourself.

Have you thought about asking some of your married girlfriends to fix you up? This might be an easier tact to take. Their husbands probably have male friends still hanging around to watch football that your girlfriends would like to get out of the house. Tell them this way everyone wins. It’s worth a shot. What have you got to lose? You have got to make an effort. Stop wasting time. Pretty soon all your girlfriend’s husband’s male friends will be so glued to the couch watching football on TV that nothing will move them.

I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t you submit your best idea about where to find a husband on my blog – http://husbandhunting123.blogspot.com? We could have a contest to see whose ideas are best. I mean besides mine of course. I will print the ten best ideas in a second printing of my book. You could become famous, but of course remain anonymous if you want. We could do the same thing if you have a great question and need some of my terrific advice. Isn’t that marvelous? Aren’t I brilliant? Isn’t life wonderful? The most important rule to the contest is that your idea or question has to relate to at least two keys to successfully hunting down your man.

… “I know you don’t know all the keys to a successful hunt yet young lady – keep reading. I am going to give you all the answers. I am going to give you all the keys to a successful hunt. I am going to tell you what to do and what not to do. Isn’t that wonderful?”

You Don't Have To Be Alone

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:23:00 +0000

Did you spend the July 4th weekend with your girlfriends or family because you don't have a man you really like who wants to spend all his holidays with you? Don't be upset young lady. You have come to the right place for advice on how to find your one and only. Together we will figure out how you can hunt down your husband.Just leave your questions in the comment section.

Your new friend,

Arthur

How To Find A Husband

noreply@blogger.com (Arthur Levine) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 16:22:00 +0000

No one said this was going to be easy, but if you follow the twenty-four keys to finding a husband I am going to tell you about, you can be successful.

Look at this as a tiger hunt. You wouldn’t go hunting a tiger without the right equipment, would you?

Think of the man you are hunting for as your tiger, and be sure you are properly equipped to hunt him down.

Men and tigers by nature don’ really like to be held prisoner to your or any one else’s desires, but you have to make him believe that this is something he really wants to do, needs to do, and that he cannot live without you.

Believe me I am a husband, and I have first hand knowledge of how an animal feels to be tracked and captured and made to believe that he really likes it. That’s what makes me an expert on husband hunting. I’ve lived through the experience.

I know you are frustrated. There is no question that it is a jungle out there. The truth is that the are too few men for too many women. It is going to be our job, working together, to equalize the odds, and even change the odds in your favor.

Don’t worry if you don’t know what to do. You can always come to me for advice. That’s my job. I am here to answer your questions. M y wife tells me I ask too many questions myself, but how can I know what is bothering you if I don’t ask you. Believe me, some of your questions bother me even more than the answers I have, but that’s my job.

I told you at the beginning of this article that there are twenty-four keys to successfully hunting down your man. I am not going to reveal them all to you right now, but I will give your three.

How you dress, how you act, and how much you really care about yourself and the man you are trying to get as a husband are three keys to success.

That’s right young lady. You have to care about yourself before you can expect the right man to care enough about you to want to marry you, so start caring.

Oh, in case I forgot to mention it. This is going to be the tough love version of husband hunting, so don’t expect me to show you any mercy. My job is to help you find your husband. I leave it to Mr. Marvelous to make you feel good assuming you take my advice and end up finding him.

P.S. If you want a career instead of a husband, or if you are hell bent on being a single mom, this is not the place for you, but if deep down in your heart you really want to end up happily married with Mr. Dreamboat – Welcome.