©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

With these economic challenges here are some creative ways to travel. The cruise lines, tour companies and resorts are stepping up to the plate with special deals and packages. Nationwide spring travel booking figures show most of the leading destinations this year are not linked to the euro. In addition, there are still countries and destinations where the U.S. dollar is strong. From the Caribbean and South America to Asia and simply staying in the U.S., there’s still hope for an affordable vacation. The top spots include Alaska, Orlando, Cancun, Honolulu, Dominican Republic and Argentina.

The cruise industry has been reaping good business from vacationers now attracted by the value of “drive time” vacations. The cruise industry projects 12.8 million people will take a cruise this year, up 200,000 from last year.

Do you remember as a child getting up in the wee hours of the morning to be piled into the family car to drive to a vacation destination? There is a surge in these “drive time” vacations again. As mentioned before, Georgia and the surrounding states have beaches, mountains, state parks and lakes to explore. From a cruising perspective, the Atlanta area is an easy drive to such ports as Mobile, Jacksonville, Tampa, Charleston, and Port Canaveral.

Here are some key things again to remember when planning your trip:

• Travel off-season. Every destination has a season that is considered a “value season”. This means lower prices and less crowds. January and September are great months to find great travel rates.

• Go where the dollar is strong. Visit or cruise to such areas as the South America, Barbados, Jamaica, or Switzerland. Passports are required for international air travel.

• Make it a surprise! This is the perfect time to plan next year’s trip and stay within budget. Also, you can present a gift certificate at the holidays and have the family help plan the actual trip.

• Book a travel package. Very often you can save money by booking package deals that include the airfare, hotel, meals, car rental etc.

• Use promotional “City Cards” to save on attractions. Cities around the world offer City Cards/Passes to tourists that promise savings through discounts on top tourist attractions and public transportation. This is especially true for Orlando.

• Be creative with the planned activities. Plan a picnic lunch, hike along a bubbling stream, fly kites on a windy day, or skip rocks across the mountain lake.

• Travel with extended family or with groups of friends. Split the car rental bill or carpool, split the room costs and take a half price vacation. Or rent a house together on the beach during off season.

• Seek the advice and services of a seasoned travel agent. Unlike a mega online travel seller, these experts not only provide invaluable and personalized service but can often times get unadvertised deals. It is nice to be able to talk to the same person when you have a question.

So plan ahead, seek advice and travel! Don’t let the economy or bad media take the place of truly enjoying time together with your family. Whether it is long weekend at the lake or a cruise to Caribbean, relax and enjoy the escape from reality. It is amazing what being away from the cell phone, television, email, and work can do to regenerate the soul!

With over 16 years of travel experience, Jenny Reed plans cruises and land vacations worldwide. Her agency does not charge a service fee. She can be reached at 678-947-5115, via email at jenny@OurCruisePlanner.com or via her website at www.OurCruisePlanner.com.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. What Wives Want In A Vacation Are you wondering what to do for your next vacation...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

The Winners of the Top Referrer Contest are:

1. Brett from Art of Manliness - 478 unique visitors referred
2. Mike from Mens News Daily - 206 unique visitors referred
3. Lin from Telling It Like It Is - 81 unique visitors referred

The Winners of the Forums Registration Contest are:

1. DC Urban Dad
2. The Rogue Parent

We also want to thank our sponsors for providing these outstanding prizes to the winners:

Top Referrer
Grand Prize - $100 gift card to use at the online family bookstore Abunga.com
Second Prize - $25 gift card to the “smart” savings company SmartyPig
Third Prize - Variety pack of Man Cards from Thoughtful Gent, Inc

Register for Forums Winner
Grand Prize - Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer
Second Prize - $10 Joe’s Crab Shack gift card

Thanks again to everyone who has subscribed to Husbands & Dads and continue to spread the word about the site! Please feel free to let us know if there is anything we can do to improve, or if there are any specific topics that you would like to see us cover in more depth.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Husbands & Dads - Refer a Friend Contest Husbands & Dads officially launched two short months ago, and...
2. Husbands & Dads Refer a Friend Contest Update Only 9 days left to enter!!! We appreciate you referring...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

I really like media. But, I also really hate all the garbage that’s so often mixed in with it. I think this is probably something that a lot of people struggle with - wanting to enjoy watching, listening and playing - but not wanting to expose ourselves or our families to, well, crap.  Mike and I have some pretty solid ideas about how we handle this conundrum, so I thought I’d just share how we do things and some resources we use that might be of use to some of you out there in the blogosphere.

Movies at Home
Movies are definitely my favorite kind of media. Sometimes, all I want to do is just veg on the couch and pop in a movie. But I don’t want to hear any swearing, or see any sex, nudity, or too much violence. So that eliminates almost any non G-rated movie. Our solution? “ClearPlay,” one of our very favorite inventions. ClearPlay is a company that makes a DVD player that edits out all the crap, without editing the actual movie (hence it doesn’t infringe on copyright laws and is perfectly legal). The company doesn’t edit movies, they simply produce the filters that you use with the movies you buy or rent. We have our ClearPlay DVD player, and a “Filter Stick” (which is just a USB drive). All we have to do is periodically download the latest filters from the ClearPlay website, and we can watch practically any movie we want. Not only does it mute out swears, but it actually cuts out entire scenes that are inappropriate - and we can set the filtering to the level we want. So I can watch all my chick flicks that I love - but I don’t have to watch the sex scenes. We can watch a cool action movie with substantially less violence, etc. The DVD player was $60, and you do have to subscribe to be able to download the latest filters, but it’s only a few bucks a month. We got our player at Macey’s grocery store, but you can also check out their website: Clearplay.com.

At the Movies
Of course there’s no fix like that in the movie theater, and how do you know before you go to see a movie if there’s stuff you won’t like in it? Another great website - ScreenIt.com - is a great tool we use. You can look up any movie on ScreenIt and it will tell you exactly how much and what kind of profanity, violence, sex, scary scenes, etc. are in it, including movies that were just released in theaters. Before Mike and I will go see any movie (except G-rated ones), we check the website and see what it has in it. I think it’s easy to become desensitized to what’s in movies, but because of ClearPlay, Mike and I are actually SUPER sensitive to all the crap, since we never see/hear it. Because of that, if a movie has ANY profanity/sex, etc, in it, we we usually just wait until it comes out on DVD and watch it with ClearPlay. That usually means that we don’t see any PG-13 (and even some PG) movies in the theater, but we’ve learned patience, and usually don’t mind waiting.
*Note: if you go to the screenit.com website, it will look like you have to pay for the service. You don’t. Just scroll down to the very bottom and you’ll see a little “No Thanks” button - and you’ll go on to the website. You can pay a monthly fee - but that’s only to have access to info on brand new movies as soon as they come out. However, it usually only takes a week or so before the ‘new’ movies are available to non-paying visitors.

TV
We used to have a cool thing called TV Guardian that muted out profanity on tv shows as well as movies, but for some technical reason that Mike would be able to tell you, it doesn’t work with our current setup. So for TV shows that have stuff we don’t like in them, we usually do the same thing we do with movies - wait until they come out on DVD. Here again, ClearPlay is our best friend. They also do TV series! This waiting takes A LOT more patience though, since we have to wait for the series to end, THEN for it to come out on DVD. *sigh* For instance, we love “The Office,” but we only just barely saw the third season, since it just came out on DVD. We do still watch TV, but we mostly just watch ESPN (Mike), HGTV (Mary), Discovery and The History Channel. We also are occasionally American Idol junkies. If anyone can figure out a way to buy cable a la carte, as in just buying the channels you want, sign me up! We have a million channels we never watch and it feels like such a waste!

Internet
The internet has it’s own special kind of crap - called pornography - that is especially vile. Neither Mike nor I want pornography to be available in our home - regardless of whether or not we would actually look at it. We don’t even want the possibility. Our friend here is a program/website called K9 Web Protection. K9 is a free program that you can download that will protect your family from the majority of bad internet stuff. One person in the household (usually the wife/mother) has the password (yes, Mike doesn’t know our K9 password) and holds the power. With it I can block any website I want, any keywords I want, and make it so the internet can’t be accessed past a certain time without the password. That means that if I tried to look up anything with the word ’sex’ (or a plethora of other words) in the search phrase or website address, a K9 screen will pop up (complete with barking sound) and tell me I can’t proceed. I can also see all the websites that have been visited (and they can’t be deleted by deleting history or anything else). I think this will be extra useful when we have older kids, but it also gives me a sense of security now. It’s so easy to think “That can’t happen to us” or “My husband would never do that.” Don’t give temptation the chance. That’s my theory anyway.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

10 of the most Frequently Asked Questions By Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach

Parenting in the 21^st century is challenging and confusing for most parents. Families look and are different than years ago. Dads are raising kids more and more and more and more are the primary caregivers. We have to parent differently now. What values do we want to pass on? What do we want to teach our kids? What kind of people do we want them to be? Dads need to provide an environment for their children that is nurturing and loving with clear expectations and consequences that teach but do not shame. A Parent Coach can help with these challenges.

1. Question: What are some key reasons that a dad would seek out a Parent Coach’s help?

Answer: You have a child with difficult behavior (lack of respect, anger, back-talk, interrupting, tantrums, etc), or who is acting out or not doing well in school.  Also if you are going through: divorce, remarriage, blending a family, trauma or loss, teen alcohol or drug use, or if you want to improve family communication, balance or support.

2. Question: What should I look for in a Parent Coach?

Answer: An expert in the areas of child development and family dynamics.  They should be non-judgemental, good at building rapport, creative (they tailor plans to your family’s needs), patient, and a good teacher and mentor.

3. Question: What if I have already read parenting books and taken my child to a therapist and I am still struggling?

Answer: That’s okay and it means that you are searching for answers. Parent coaching can help because the coach works with you to tailor a parenting plan for your family.

4. Question: I have a special needs child and/or my child has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, Conduct Disorder or Bipolar Disorder. Can a parent coach help us?

Answer: Absolutely, most children/teens will respond to a behavioral plan if the plan is designed for their developmental stage and age.

5. Question: Is waiting until your child is a teenager too late to change their behavioral patterns?

Answer: It is best to start as early as possible. But, even if they are 16 or 17 years old you can still turn that behavior around fairly quickly with the right plan.

6. Question: What is the biggest challenge that dads face in today’s world?

Answer: That has to be a combination of disrespect from their children and parent guilt. They go hand in hand. “If I discipline my child for being inappropriate he won’t like me but then I feel guilty because I know that I am not setting limits and this isn’t good for him.” A dad may feel guilty because he is stretched thin and overwhelmed. This is especially difficult with divorce where the kids are going back and forth between two homes. If dad doesn’t want to be “the bad guy” he might let behaviors go that need to be addressed.

7. Question: What are some of the biggest fears that dads have?

Answer: Dads believe that if they yell and scream at their kids that they will damage their children for life. They are also told that if they spank their kids that Child Protection Services will be knocking on the door.  Some dads are afraid to utilize their power and feel as if their hands are tied and they don’t know what to do.

8. Question: How does parent coaching take place?

Answer: Weekly parent telephone sessions and email, group parent telephone sessions, in-home sessions, and coaching products like books, DVDs and audio CDs.

9. Question: What if I am interested in hiring a parent coach but not sure?

Answer: Most parent coaches will provide a free consultation to see if you can work together.

10. Question: How long would I work with my parent coach and what are the costs?

Answer: Every coach has their own recommendations based on the family situation. Minimum is usually 3 months up until 12 months. Sometimes after a period of time weekly calls aren’t as necessary and the appointments can be shorter and less frequent.

Cost varies depending on your coach’s experience and expertise. Expect to pay

$500 -$1200/month for individual coaching. On paper it seems like a lot of money but most parents will tell you it was well worth the cost since the alternative of doing nothing could cost 10 to 20 times that amount. (Residential schools, therapies and medications, attorneys).

Group coaching is less expensive because you are sharing time with other parents. But, this can also be beneficial, knowing you are not alone!

Respect begins at home. When children don’t respect parents, they rarely respect their teachers and if they don’t respect their teachers this transfers to other authority figures such as neighbors, coaches and law enforcement. As young adults they have difficulty holding a job because they lack the social skills and respect that is necessary to make it in society.

Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach, works with parents whose children and adolescents are unmanageable. Susan graduated from the University of California at Berkeley School of Social Welfare.  She is a licensed clinical social worker in Connecticut and Rhode Island and also completed training with the Coaches Training Institute. Susan has written and published two parenting books, “The Take Back Your Parenting Powers System” and “Are You Tired of Nagging?” An expert in the areas of family dynamics, parenting and child development, Susan will uncover and unleash your parenting power. Get your free special report on how to get well behaved kids now at: www.ParentingPowers.com

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Only Fathers Can Prevent Teenage Pregnancy Despite alarmist sentiment that they are running out of control,...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

A Family First Entrepreneur is someone with an entrepreneurial mindset who keeps his or her family first.  As we look deeper into this definition, we must acknowledge that when business people put their families first, those two elements—business and family—affect one another in profound ways.  For example, when I want time with my kids, that choice relates to and has a direct effect on the time I spend on business and other endeavors.  Family First Entrepreneurs make business choices based on the potential impact they will have on their families first, and on business profitability second.

Another impact that people who align with this principle realize is that their families’ ability to function properly can also affect business.  There is nothing like family trauma to make a day at work both unbearable and unproductive.  They realize they need a healthy marriage and family life to be their best while producing a living.  You can see that one affects the other in profound ways, so Family First Entrepreneurs need a healthy work-life balance.

Lastly, Family First Entrepreneurs have an attitude about wealth creation which puts the goal of building wealth for the enhancement of their family first, and for “material possessions” second.  Things like time with family are bought before the Ferrari.

Whether you’re an empty nester, a single person, or have chosen to not have children, you still have a “family.”  If you are someone who puts your family first, who wants work-life balance, and who would enjoy creating wealth entrepreneurially…I welcome you to the club.

You can read more of Marc’s blogs and learn about his new book “ONO, Options not Obligations” at www.MarcWarnke.com.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Are You A Porn Addict? This is a guest post from Chris Diggins, professional counselor...
2. The Good Husband’s Game Plan - 4 Legal Action Steps Once you get married, you are (hopefully!) part of a...
3. Steve Jobs Talks About Education and Family ...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

It’s at this very point, when mention of Christmas shopping starts, that husbands everywhere start to feel a little bit of panic. Don’t worry, you’ve still got 57 days until Christmas morning. Plenty of time to prepare. To spur your thinking and get your creative juices flowing, here are some ideas for some of the most popular ideas for gifts:

Jewelry. While women like shiny things, you don’t have to go really expensive. If you’re like most men, you’re hoping to find something that won’t break the bank. Next month we will showcase some of the best inexpensive handmade jewelry that your wife could ever hope to receive. She’ll be over the moon with gratitude.

Services. Spa treatments, massages, facials, self-spa kits, acupuncture, or get a maid to clean the house…for a month! It’s the gift that keeps on giving, as each time she gets a little special treatment she thinks of you.

Experiences. Glass blowing classes, a museum membership, season tickets to the theatre, pottery classes - any of these things will be a big hit with the one you love!

Things. Don’t just give a thing. Put some thought into your wife. What does she keep wishing she had? For example, my wife keeps wishing that she had a Kitchen Aid Mixer. She hasn’t gotten one yet because they’re $400, but it’s something that would mean a lot to her.

Time. The thing that makes vacations special for your wife and kids is not so much what you do, but the time you get to spend together as a family. Most of us can look back and remember some time spent with family that wasn’t doing any special thing, but that still carries a lot of positive emotional impact. Take your family on a trip for Christmas, or just give them the gift of you being there for them. Don’t forget that grandparents want to see your kids as well, and you can make Christmas extra special just by having all three generations together.

Look for upcoming guides to each of these categories - how to provide each of these things at Holiday time.

What about you? What gifts have you given your wife or kids that was really special? Ladies, what gifts have you received that have been really special?

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

We appreciate you referring friends and family men to Husbands & Dads!  Make sure to get your easy entry by joining out Forums!

Here are the details of entry:

Husbands & Dads has teamed up with some exciting partners in order to create our first ever contest geared towards rewarding you for referring your friends to the site. The contest will have 2 parts - one will reward the Top Referring blog/personal site and the other will reward registered members of the Forums.

Husbands & Dads Refer A Friend Contest

Top Referrer

Grand Prize - $100 gift card to use at the online family bookstore Abunga.com

Second Prize - $25 gift card to the “smart” savings company SmartyPig

Third Prize - Variety pack of Man Cards from Thoughtful Gent, Inc.

Register for Forums Winner

Grand Prize - Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer

Second Prize - $10 Joe’s Crab Shack gift card

Rules:

Top Referrer - the top referring blog or personal website from Monday, October 6, 2008, through Friday, October 31, 2008, will win the Grand Prize. The second highest referrer will win the Second Prize. Referrals will be measured in unique visits to HusbandsandDads.com. You may want to write a blog post recommending the site to your readers, include a link in your blogroll or come up with a unique way to refer people. You may also want to grab one of our badges from below and use them as well!

Register for Forums - we will select 2 random members who are registered for the Husbands & Dads Forums. You must be an active member, which means that you need to have at least one post/reply during the month. Pretty easy, huh!?! Register for the Forums now to enter.

Here are a few Husbands & Dads badges for you to grab and use on your site to get referrals:

Thanks again to everyone for helping make the launch of Husbands & Dads such a great success! We also hope that you will refer the site to a friend and encourage him to subscribe and register for the Forums! Good luck to everyone!

Make sure to visit Abunga.com for your favorite family books!

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Husbands & Dads - Refer a Friend Contest Winners Thanks to everyone who participated in the Husbands & Dads...
2. Husbands & Dads - Refer a Friend Contest Husbands & Dads officially launched two short months ago, and...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

An essay recently released by the National Marriage Project, a research group based out of Rutgers University, seems to indicate that feminism may actually be helping marriage.

The essay, titled The Future of Marriage in America, talks about how there is a growing “marriage gap” between college educated women and those women who never went to college.  Since most women learn about the roots of feminism and gain their indoctrination during their college years, it would stand to reason that going to college and being exposed to feminism has somehow helped marriage’s cause.

Of women marriage in the 1990’s, only 16 percent of college educated women had been divorced within a ten year period.  Compare that with a 46 percent divorce rate for those with less than a full high school diploma.  What’s more, the data shows that the divorce rate is continuing to decline among the highly educated, and continuing to increase among the poorly educated.

Even accounting for later marriage age and a better income among those who are educated, it would seem that exposure to the intellectual ideas of feminism are almost a certainty, and almost certainly help improve their attitudes toward marriage.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. The Divorce Rate is Not As High As You Think Here’s an interesting snapshot of the actual divorce statistics, according...
2. The Cohabitation Effect on Marriage Traditional wisdom says that cohabitating before marriage results in a...
3. The Cohabitation Effect on Marriage Part 2 Many people today are seeing cohabitation as an acceptable...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Teenage sexual activity is down from 53% in 1991 to just under 47% in 2005, and teenage pregnancy has decreased from 117 in 1000 to 72 in 1000 in the same time frame. National efforts to raise awareness about the problem of teenage pregnancy seems to be effective.

With all that said, fathers are still the best line of defense for stopping their daughters from having sex, getting into abusive relationships, and from getting pregnant once they are sexually active. The following chart from a 2007 survey by the National Project for the Prevention of Teenage and Unplanned pregnancy shows that while many parents think that media and their kids’ friends sway their teenagers’ attitudes about sex, the teenagers themselves say that their parents are much more likely to be a stronger guide in their choices and attitudes regarding sex.

The question that was asked was, “When it comes to your/teens’ decisions about sex, who is most influential? Is it…?” You can click on the image to enlarge it.

Fathers can help their daughters avoid teenage pregnancy in the following ways:

Have the talk. You know, that one. Have it early, have it often. I know many of you fathers go into a murderous rage or melt into a incoherent puddle when you think about some boy touching your daughter, but the fact is that your daughter needs to understand that she can talk about this with you, and that she can ask questions if she wants. Don’t allow your daughter to find out how sex works by overhearing other girls’ conversations in aerobics class. By the way, the survey cited above

Encourage teenagers to seek out positive entertainment and entertainers. The super popular Jonas Brothers have all taken vows of chastity until marriage, as has American Idol and current radio darling Jordin Sparks. Virginity is becoming as retro and cool as bell bottom jeans, tube socks, and plaid sweaters.

Be open and available to talk to your daughter. Teenagers don’t talk when you want to listen, and they don’t listen when you want to talk. They do it on their own time. Anyone with a teenager can tell you that. You have to be open to the signals. If your child wants to talk, you might only have a small window to instill a little bit of parental wisdom.

Treat your wife with respect and dignity. In case after case, girls marry men who remind them of their fathers, and children pattern their marriages after the ones that they saw growing up. If your daughter sees you treating your wife with respect, she will expect the same thing in her own relationships.

Take your daughter on a Daddy Daughter Date. One daughter shared a story about how when she was 14 years old, her father invited her on a date for the following Friday. He showed up at the front door at the time of their appointed date in a suit, with a flower for her. He escorted her to her car, opened her door, and drove her to a nice dinner at a local restaurant. The entire night, he treated her as he wanted a young man to treat her on a date. He pulled out her chair, stood when she got up from the table, and gave her his full attention (no Blackberry, no texting). Towards the end of the evening, he gave his daughter a special gift. He gave her a ring that he told her represented her chastity. He told her that he trusted her and that he only asked that when she lost her virginity she return the ring to him. The daughter held onto the ring until after her wedding and then gave it to her father, letting him know that she had stayed chaste until her wedding night.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. 10 Easy Ways to Bond With Your Teenager The teenage years are tough.  Whether you have a boy...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Here are 5 Speeches to Help Inspire Fathers:

1.  The Sermon on the Mount - Matthew 5 - 7 from the Holy Bible.  You don’t have to be incredibly religious to gain insights and inspiration from this speech by Jesus of Nazareth, in which he said, “Ye are the light of the world.  A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

2.  The Famous Patton Speech by General George S. Patton, Jr.  Patton was a legendary general.  His words are not only relevant to troops of soldiers, but also dads who want to be good leaders within their families.  He said, “The real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared…a real man will never let his fear of death overpower his honour, his sense of duty to his country and his innate manhood.”

3.  Inaugural Address of John F. Kennedy.  JFK’s speech speaks to the possibilities in life, and it encourages you to take action to positively affect the world around you.  Dads want their kids to change the world for the better, and Kennedy’s words can help motivate and inspire both father and child.  “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

4.  I Have a Dream by Martin Luther King, Jr.  King’s words stir the soul and move the spirit.  This speech will make you want to talk to you kids about living a good and moral life, as well as appreciating all of the blessings in your family has today.  Dr. King said, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed:  We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.”

5.  Strength and Decency by Theodore Roosevelt.  “Teddy” Roosevelt was a hard-nosed and courageous leader, and as the speech title suggests, his words inspire strength, decency and more.  He advocated leading by example, “It is peculiarly incumbent upon you who have strength to set a right example to others….You must feel that the most effective way in which you can preach is by your practice.”

Are there any great speeches throughout history that inspire you to be a better father?  How about a better man?  Please share them with us.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

With so many adoptions happening each year, why are so many men afraid of adoption?  Well, according to a new study released by the Federal Government, they aren’t.

Wait, what?

The traditional stereotype has been that men want to continue their lineage with biological children of their own and are reluctant to adopt.  The new study shows, however, that men adopt almost twice as much as women do.

A large portion (more than half) of these adoptions are men adopting stepchildren from new marriages.  Another portion is single men, straight and gay, adopting.  Many married men are also becoming more comfortable with the idea of adoption.

Here are a few stories of men who have chosen to adopt.  Their stories are varied and interesting, at times heartwarming and difficult.

Charles Rathman, a marketing analyst from Wisconsin, and his wife adopted an ethnic child.  Went through a Lutheran adoption agency and had an uncommonly quick experience.

After completing the necessary paperwork, background checks, and home study, Charles and his wife Carla felt like they were ready to adopt.  Having heard stories about adoptions taking months, sometimes years, Charles and his wife felt like they were prepared for the wait.  They didn’t understand why their adoption caseworker was so insistent that they finish up the last few loose ends so quickly, but they soon found out.

It turns out that the agency already had a child under care that they were looking to adopt as soon as possible, and the agency wanted Charles and his wife to take this child.  Within weeks of finishing their paperwork, they had a child placed in their home.

There are a ton of couples who have chosen to share their stories of adoption on the internet.  Many of these couples share their stories using free blogging software like Blogger.com or Wordpress.com.  To read a few, try clicking here for Charles & Carla’s story, or here for Mary & Mike’s story.

John Smith and his wife adopted a child from Korea.  John said that concerns about bonding were never a problem, but that he and his wife were hampered by their family feeling that adoption was wrong, that if they were going to have children, that God would make them get pregnant.  It took 2 years for them to arrange their adoption because of international laws.  John and his wife used a non-religious international non-profit organization that has been in operation for over 30 years.  They are planning on bringing home their child by january.

Don, from Portland, Oregon, had a negative experience with adoption.  Of all of the stories that were sent to me, this one was the only negative.  He reported that while the child he and his wife adopted was fine initially, after several years the child began having behavioral problems that tests later showed were related to fetal alcohol syndrome.  He faults the adoption for his wife leaving and says that he no longer has contact with his adopted daughter.  Don reported that he and several other individuals were part of a support network that helped people deal with adoptions gone wrong.

Chris Nolte, from Iowa, related his story about adopting their now 16 year old daughter. Chris and his wife also used a Lutheran adoption ministry to find a child to adopt.  In 1992, just three months after receiving approval to adopt, Chris and his wife received a phone call telling them that they had been selected for an adoption and that they needed to arrive at the hospital to pick up their new infant the next morning.  Chris also reported never having a problem bonding with his child, and says that fatherhood is “the greatest job in the world.”

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Michael Kimmel is a professor of gender studies, specializing in men’s issues.  His new book, Guyland, explores the emergence of a new developmental stage in men’s lives.

Cory: Tell me about your work and how you decided to write Guyland.

MK: I started writing Guyland because there was something going in this new developmental stage between adolescence.  People are getting married 6 or 7 years later than they were 50 years ago.  So, what are people doing in that time?

I began to talk to my students.  They seemed to be drifting.  They seemed to be delaying the ability to have a plan for their lives, to know what they were going to be like.  How they were planning to be the husbands and fathers they were trying to be.  I wrote this book to try to explain this world they live in, why Guyland has emerged…and how to navigate this world and be the kind of adult that [they] say [they] want to be.

Cory:  So you’re saying you’re hoping to create a dialogue among guys about how to use this time to prepare?

MK: Right, how to navigate this developmental stage more consciously and more ethically.

Cory: You’re not advocating getting rid of this developmental stage or going back to a time when people got married earlier?

MK: Absolutely not.  This developmental stage is here to stay.  Many guys that I talked to are saying things like, “What’s the rush?  Why do I have to commit to a relationship and then be married to someone for 70 years?  Give me a break!”  Other guys are saying, “That world where you retire at age 65 and you get a gold watch, that world is gone.  Corporations aren’t nearly so loyal.”  What happens is that guys are taking more time to commit to careers, more time to commit to relationships.  I don’t put any value judgement on that.  What I think is that’s the world we live in, so are we going to make that a time of drift, or are we going to make it a time when people engage ethically in these issues at this time in their lives?

Cory: So, what led you to be interested in this subject in the first place?

MK: Observing college kids.  Having a 9 year old son, watching him at the very beginning start to think about what masculinity means, what it means to be a guy, what guys are like and the differences between guys and girls.  Most of my scholarship has been on the evolving and changing definitions of masculinity in America, in response, in part to the changes in women’s lives.  And I think that the most important component to this.  In the past 30 - 40 years women’s lives have changed so dramatically that it has left a lot of men confused about their own world.  If women are our equals on the athletic field, in the corporate boardroom, in the operating room in the hospital, what’s distinctive, what is there that makes us feel like men?

Cory: You’re saying that because of women’s rights coming to the forefront, men are becoming confused about their own role in society?

MK: I think some are confused.  I think some have become angry, defensive.  I think there is an edge to a lot of Guyland.  I get a lot of, where can a guy go to just be a jerk? We can’t say disgusting things about girls anymore.  Y’know, where can a guy go to just be a guy?  To just be alone with other guys and just be as jerky as he wants to be?  They feel like there’s no place any longer that’s just for them.

Cory: Would you say that guys in Guyland are happy?

MK:  I wouldn’t.   They spend a lot of time being drunk and sloppy and proclaiming how happy they are.  If guys are truly honest about it, they are not thrilled about all the sorts of things that go on and that they have to participate in - all the drunken revels, the binging, the hazing, the hooking up.  I mean, it leaves you feeling kind’ve empty the next morning.  How does a guy get a map to leave this place of being so excitedly entertained all the time with every new video game, CD, movie, all the entertainment that is constantly swirling around?  How do you navigate your world, your way through this place, and that’s why I wrote the book.

Cory: If you could sum up how a guy gets a map out of Guyland, what would say that is?

MK: Most guys drift out.  Five or six guys from the same fraternity will rent a house.  Eventually around 27 or 28 they will start to drift away.  One guy will get a job where he has to get up at 7:00 in the morning, so he can’t go out binge drinking every night.  Another guy will get serious with his girlfriend, they’ll move in together.  Another guy will say he’s going to go back to law school so he has to study real hard.  Gradually they drift away.  Most guys eventually get through this, but they don’t get through it unscarred and they don’t really develop a good life plan for their careers or for being the good fathers we want them to be.

They want to be good fathers, by the way.

The second part is, they do it with some help.  They need the support network.  One of the things I talk about in this book is how to develop the really good male friend.  Finding one other guy with whom you can share your feelings without the sort of mask and bravado that you always have to have out in public.  Remembering your parents, keeping them involved in your lives.  Remembering to maintain those relationships.

The final thing, and I think this is really important, is to listen to their own hearts.  In the name of masculinity, we guys are often asked to go along with really stupid stuff.  Guys who are making cat calls on the street and we are sort of shuffling off, hoping she doesn’t see you, all the kind of stupid stuff that we are asked to put up with all the time.  You know you don’t’ feel very comfortable with it, you laughed when I said it.

The other night I was reading the very first Harry Potter book to my 9 year old son and at the very end of that book Professor Dumbledore says it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies.  It takes even more to stand up to your friends.  That’s what I think guys need to do as well, and they need to look inside themselves at their own sense of right and wrong and stop being bystanders because it’s just easier because they’ll pick on you instead, and do the right thing.

Cory: Who inspired you to go into this kind of work and research?

MK: Feminist women.  That’s the easiest answer.  I started my graduate work doing 17^th century French history and I got turned around to thinking about male/female relationship.  At the time in graduate school feminism was exploding all around me.  Women in my life kept saying you’ve got to write about this, think about this in your own life.  I changed the course of my life and eventually taught the very first course in the state of New Jersey on men and masculinity.  I’ve started, with other people, a sub-field of gender studies on masculinity, and that’s been the subject I’ve become an expert on the past 20 years or so.

Cory: I took a gender studies course in college.  One professor talked about male issues and it was really interesting.

MK: Was that professor male or female?

Cory: Female

MK: Most of the people who are interested in gender are women.

Cory: Most sociologists who study gender are women?

MK: Most people who think about gender are women.  Most people who think about race are black people.  White people don’t spend a whole lot of time, unless they’re white supremacists, thinking about how white they are.

Cory: So a lot of the guys who are wrapped up in this lifestyle aren’t thinking about it.

MK:  Right.  There’s a lot of confusion, a lot of reluctant bystanding, because they feel like they don’t have a choice.  My students to a man tell me they want to be good fathers.  They don’t have a clue.  They’ve done no preparation, no practice.  They’ve never diapered a baby, they’ve no idea how to cook, clean, anything that you’ll have to do if you’re a parent.  You know, for them, being a father is like this mystical state of being.  Suddenly when the baby emerges they think they will know all the things they need to know and of course they won’t.  So one of the things I’m interested in is helping them develop those skills.

Cory: How would you go about trying to get your students interested in seeking out information [on being] good husbands and fathers, like you’re talking about.  Why don’t they seek out the information?

MK: Most guys are not egalitarian parents because their wives do it.  They don’t do it because they don’t have to, no one forces them to do it.  My wife wanted me to clean a lot more than I normally do so I tried cleaning up the living room, I vacuumed, and she came in and said, “this is a mess.”  Then she re-did it for me.  I can’t do it right, she’s always going to re-do it for me, so I stopped.  So, I say to these guys, if you were working at your job and your boss came in and said this is all wrong, would you stop?  Would you say, “That’s okay, I can learn to do it better?”  Why is it that when it comes to house work, guys just “stop?”  Why not say, “I can learn to do it better?  Show me what to do.”  I think that a lot of guys don’t have a plan for this and don’t know they need one.  In my experience, obviously there are a ton of mommy bloggers out there, obviously they have a lot of free time, talking about being a good enough mother.  A lot of working mothers feel guilty that they’re not being the kind of mother that they want to be, that they’re not baking home-made chocolate chip cookies from scratch every day.  The reason they’re feeling so guilty is that so often they are comparing themselves to their own mothers who did do that sort of stuff.  They’re comparing themselves to their mothers and they don’t match up because they have careers.

The thing about dads though, is that instead of feeling guilty, we compare ourselves to our own fathers and we feel pretty damn self-congratulatory.  If we do one dish, fix one meal, make the bed once, do the laundry once, we’re doing light years better than our fathers did.  We’re out there patting ourselves on the back, so we don’t need to read a blog about it.

Cory: Anything else you would tell me [and our audience]?

MK: There are two things I would say to your audience.  I speak to your audience as young men thinking about being husbands and fathers, but a lot of the men you connect with are probably also themselves the fathers of young men.  It is essential that both mothers and fathers stay involved in their sons lives.  We have this model of helicopter parenting early in their lives, we micromanage them and completely over-schedule them, and they go off to college and we go, “Okay, bye, see you later.”  Then they go off into this vacuum where there’s no adult supervision at all.  I think both parts are wrong.  At a young age parents need to back off a little bit, and we also have to stay connected to our sons when they do leave home and go to college.  Instead of being helicopter parents, I call it being power strip parents.  You help your kids stay connected, you provide grounding for them, and if it gets to overload you run interference.

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

If you noticed, we recently exceeded 300 subscribers and about 10 percent of you have also signed up for the forums.  While this is a good number, we believe that the articles posted here and topics started in the forums are more exciting when there are lots of comments and replies.

In short, the more people who come to the site, subscribe, leave a comment, join the Forums and participate in both, the more valuable this experience becomes to everyone involved. Husbands & Dads website and forums are both places where “it’s cool to be a family man,” but we need more men (and women) to participate in both venues, and we’re asking for your help!

Husbands & Dads has teamed up with some exciting partners in order to create our first ever contest geared towards rewarding you for referring your friends to the site.  The contest will have 2 parts - one will reward the Top Referring blog/personal site and the other will reward registered members of the Forums.

Husbands & Dads Refer A Friend Contest

Top Referrer

Grand Prize - $100 gift card to use at the online family bookstore Abunga.com

Second Prize - $25 gift card to the “smart” savings company SmartyPig

Third Prize - Variety pack of Man Cards from Thoughtful Gent, Inc.

Register for Forums Winner

Grand Prize - Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer

Second Prize - $10 Joe’s Crab Shack gift card

Rules:

Top Referrer - the top referring blog or personal website from Monday, October 6, 2008, through Friday, October 31, 2008, will win the Grand Prize.  The second highest referrer will win the Second Prize.  Referrals will be measured in unique visits to HusbandsandDads.com.  You may want to write a blog post recommending the site to your readers, include a link in your blogroll or come up with a unique way to refer people.  You may also want to grab one of our badges from below and use them as well!

Register for Forums - we will select 2 random members who are registered for the Husbands & Dads Forums.  You must be an active member, which means that you need to have at least one post/reply during the month.  Pretty easy, huh!?!  Register for the Forums now to enter.

Here are a few Husbands & Dads badges for you to grab and use on your site to get referrals:

Thanks again to everyone for helping make the launch of Husbands & Dads such a great success!  We also hope that you will refer the site to a friend and encourage him to subscribe and register for the Forums!  Good luck to everyone!

Make sure to visit Abunga.com for your favorite family books!

©2009 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Husbands & Dads - Refer a Friend Contest Winners Thanks to everyone who participated in the Husbands & Dads...
2. Husbands & Dads Refer a Friend Contest Update Only 9 days left to enter!!! We appreciate you referring...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.