HWBJ.ORG

What I learned on Twitter last week

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 14:01:00 +0000

@ChelseaVPeretti "A billion is bitch shit compared to a trillion"

@morgan_murphy I once got so drunk I friend requested my stalker on facebook. FACT.

@3rdand10 I just tasted an old lady's fart in a 7-Eleven. I probably won't be tweeting anymore.

@CrackUpBoom is wondering where it all went wrong when I'm seeing how many nose hairs I can pull out at one time as a form of entertainment.

@jimwindolf Grampa used to say, "The Twitter will get your money, which is bad enough. But the Facebook, oh, the Facebook will rob you of your dignity."

Conversations

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 13:27:00 +0000

Somewhere between the third and thirteenth drink something changed. She set her glass on the bar in front of her, turned sideways, looked me in the eye and said “David Duchovny has the perfect ass” Was this supposed to be a question, some kind of a scientific statement, maybe a dream, a wish, or even a kind of test. There was no way I could be sure and none of the answers I was working on were going to be safe, so I sat there waiting and smiled at her. That's when she got up and left...just as I thought things were going so well. Apparently I was never in the running, like usual.

Kitchen Table Conversation

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 15:35:00 +0000

4 year nephew: I wannna milf

me: wha?

4 year old nephew: I wan milf

me: what?

4 year old nephew: I wanna milf

me: milf?

4 year old nephew: milf

me: milf?

4 year old nephew: MILF...MILF!!!!...WHITE JUICE

me: ohhhhhhhhhhh....I could use some of that too

...and that's how the day started

Good To Be Daft

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 13:59:00 +0000

Good To Be Daft

You In Love With A Chick On The West Coast & You All The Way On The East...?
"all up in that SEPtember ass"...i like it. thanks for that. but i think "dat" would've been more appropriate, no?

you went to DASH? we were supposed to go yesterdayy but ran out of time -_- were any of the girls theree?
that was good. lmfao. poor things :( i'd brag about sex if i never got any too. although its been a while

A quantum emotic is a brief good feeling generated in the mind of a consumer upon any contact (physical/non physical) with the product.
If all else fails buy a handbag

please do not direct any of those tourists to Norwood, please.
it is dependent on context. Are you outside a bar? Are you holding a PBR

Doctor Whisky you're the devil, you're leading me astray, over hills and mountains and to Americay...
I hate dumb bitches u can have my sloppy seconds any day he's old news

i realized that once I took a closer look at you and all of your sordid tonterias....
hey, you are all wrong. Its not for you. Normally all my twifriend ask the meaning

what? You don't like my pool picture? I cropped out all the back hair.
I am seriously thinking about taking my monroe out for good. But my face will feel nakeds.

I am in love with my dog. Is this wrong
It's more than you ever deserve yet never enough!

Troll Foot looks to constructive day for all
Off to meeting. I used pringles to eat my salad, which though clever, did defeat the object of having a carb free salad! Good to be daft

only tweets 21 years old or older appear in twitterpoem

Rob Tracy 1

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 13:53:00 +0000

“Uzbekistan ?!?!”

“Really??”

“Nah...That's alright, I understand.”

“I know things are falling apart all over. I suppose it's tougher than ever in spots like that. Over there, wherever it is exactly. I know it was part of Soviet Empire or some Turkish thing, so it's gotta be over there, somewhere. But I'd have to look at a map to be sure.”

“I'm surprised you heard about it tho. Bad news travels fast, huh?”

“They need goats?”

“Goats?”

“I suppose that makes sense, you always make sense.”

“Yeah...goats are great pets. Faithful things and I read they're almost smart as pigs.”

“You mean they're not pets?”

“They must be used to provide some kind of hair or wool for yarn then. That way they can make clothes. Stay warm. That's nice”

“Not the hair?”

“Milk...you can drink goat milk, right? Can you give a baby goat milk?”

“If you can that'd be a great idea....a way to keep the kids healthy.”

“I think I saw it in the grocery store once....yeah, goat milk.”

“Not milk?”

“HUH?!”

“Dinner ?!?!

“Biryani? Goatlash? Goat kabobs?”

“Ummmm......I hear it's good for the digestion.”

“I guess.”

“Give a man a fish and he'll eat for the day but give a man a goat and he'll invite the neighbors over.”

“Why not.”

“No, no, that's alright...I can wait for the $145 you owe me...no problem. If we can reduce the agida in Uzbekistan I'm all for it. There must a charity or something I can send a donation to. I'd like to see everyone with his own new goat. That'd be cool”

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 15:56:00 +0000

Beautiful video shot by Katie West while on a trip to Japan in May 2010.

What I Learned On Twitter last Week

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 17:33:00 +0000

@bradmantv twilight is like soccer, they run around for two hours, nobody scores, and the billion fans who watch it insist you just dont understand

@cjanecrowell just cleaned out closet and was mildly amused to find Margaret Thatcher under my stack of sweatpants.

@dooce What do you do if you're on an all protein diet and you have to take the sacrament? Pretend it really is "the body"?

@SarahKSilverman Tampon strings should be waterproof. 1 pre-flight pee &I have to sit on a tiny wet rope for 5 hours? Boo.

@3rdand10 Sean Hannity looks like a youth minister that's really into scat videos and amputee porn.

get in the game dude

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 14:03:00 +0000

Get in the game dude
Oh its my reflection. I am not 16 again after all
I'm 32, that's reasonably young, and I know what a 45 is
Will it grow any bigger than this?

Still paranoid today. Y'all get away from my window.
Pretty much lost the ability to talk, construct sentences & generally make any sense whatsoever today.. Quite good a starting into space tho
My brain is not working any more, I have to postpone the solution for the current problem by at least a day.

people never feel the need to prove anything to me and in that case is there any wonder that I feel like I'm worth shit ?
I don't think it's codependent at all....more like parasitic
What better way to let someone know there is an error worth fixing than giving the "what the fuck" hands?

Just saw a dude ridin up a hill on a bike w/ a trombone on his back . . . Lord help him
Get in the game dude, or get out!
I like to think he has a sense of humour inside his ego somewhere and takes it all in the spirit it is meant,

The storm is rollin in. Im about to take a pic for yall.
Just about all sabotage is self-sabotage
It was just a myth until last night: air trombone

For, surely, having strangers want to murder you is not on the Utopian agenda
How long do I have to pretend to be listening?How long do I have to pretend to be listening?
thinks today is just fan-FUCKING-tastic! Can things get any worse? Let's watch!

no tweets were harmed while cutting & pasting actual tweets together for this

What I Learned Twiiter Last Week

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 15:10:00 +0000

@dooce Someone at the doctor's office just pulled a cell phone from between her cleavage. Never before have I wanted a boob job more than I do now.

@AllieBrosh Bought some bacon-flavored toothpaste for my dog. I'm curious, but no... I shouldn't...

@JennyMcCarthy Is anyone else having a problem with their vagina today? I can't get service in certain parts of my house.

@denisleary People who love jazz have 30% more sex than jazz haters. And 50% longer solos.

@aimeemann 1 Across...you're long, but you're not so hard! So 1 down should be...no...hm...how about 2 down...let's move on to 3 down...OH FUCK YOU!!

Change You Can Believe In

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 13:56:00 +0000

Spellcheck Ridin

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 19:45:00 +0000

Spellcheck Ridin
I was dreamin like all damn night last night.
I have a last name. You can call me "Ms. Mylastname".
I would be hood as shit like that bitch in the Bentley with him. My ass be all over the place outside the door ghostriding like shit
I did a piece of the cutie run on a guy that I see eve… — do not leave the note on the truck.
the more u push someone away the more they try! I mean are u trying cuz ur a: Beat b: really fucking persistent or c: can't take rejection
I'm just sick of white, black, red, yellow… we're all just people. We're pigeon-holed by people who take advantage of dividing us
If y'all girls was comfy in ya skin u wouldn't pay mad bread to cake batter ya face and cover ya REAL hair extend ya eye lashes n nails
Although they won't admit it, women fart as much as men.
You all know I am a multi dimensional individual my children have been motivated now Momma got to get the men stimulated

yea your cute n all but...cannot fade somebody havin the name "Cookie Btwerk'n Daddie"
ghostridin' huh. Very nyycce. U out there doing hoodrat stuff ay lol. Hate hate hate hate
"Grown men with self given nicknames are usually assmunches"
Naw... Women take THEIR SAUCE and put it in THEIR SAUCE to make men go nuts!
I'm hunqryy , but don't feel like fixxinq anythinq
damnit! hiccups again! have had them on and off all day today! -_- do hiccups hurt anyone else or just me?
Fuk u Chris Hansen!!! I only wanted sum lemonade!
Dreamed of a woman who'd had half her toes chopped off. There's got to be some off-the-rack Jungian interpretation of that.
*shrugs* 2 days . and when not i´´ll delete. fuck of this all here

made from 100% organic tweets

What I Learned On Twitter Last Week

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:23:00 +0000

@SarahThyre Intelligence is related to whether one is midget-distractable? My kids are morons.

@WhitneyCummings Before trying to kill a bug I yelled "I will majorly fuck up your life!" Generally speaking I think this means I've got my shit together.

@lianamaeby Blech. Preeetty sure one of the cheeses in this four-cheese pasta sauce is David Caruso.

@dooce It's Pioneer Day! Let's see if I can get some unfollows: how do you know you're from Utah? Your aunt is younger than your daughter.

@thesulk Before you go out tonight remember the Raising Arizona quints are now 24

She said no

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:19:00 +0000

She said no

He walked across the parking lot and continued along the path. Fondling it in his pocket. Turning it over and over between his fingers. Deciding.

He waited halfway across the bridge and looked out to where the creek should have been. There wasn't any water this time of year and if the truth were to be told there rarely was any water here anymore.

It wasn't what it cost or what somebody thought it might be worth. It was what it could have stood for. Wood, aluminum, china, pearl, ruby, gold, birthdays, Emma, Charlie and maybe even little David who didn't make it. The good times, the hard times, the harder times. The precious memories. Did it matter anyway?

Would it matter which direction he faced. Upstream had to mean something. Downstream something else. Was one more important than the other? Up to do battle? Down, accept and go with it? Maybe it did matter.

Without thinking he pulled it out of his pocket and not bothering to look at it, threw it as far and as high as he could. For a few seconds he followed the possibilities arcing away from him. They didn't catch any light, no flashes or sparkles that might give it away. It simply landed like things did. By itself and out of sight.

When it was time to leave he looked over both shoulders. Which way? To the left or to the right?
How to chose ? Did it matter? Was it time to move?

Twitter Poem

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 15:37:00 +0000

Workin It Out

For the record, you all offend my maleness.
His music's a joke and he laughs all the way to the bank!!!
all about dem prematured millionaires hell you talm bout
it was a little confusing in the beginning but now all the pieces and clues are coming together in the show!
Man ninjas are hilarious... But God is good... That's all that matters!!!
y'all got bougie homeless people out there??
send all your freemasons & their "jokes" this way. I carry my "sword" at all times.
its when you see life and death so close to you, you wake up and its a reality check all over again.
My friends have me doing crazy ish all the time
Not all monsters are make believe.
hey stranger....all boo'd up and don't fuck with nobody!
Don't get me wrong there are some pretty legit questions but for the most part.. it's just sus and bullshit all in there.

actual tweets pasted together with affection, confusion & too much of something

Things I Learned On Twiter Last Week

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 13:26:00 +0000

@lizzwinstead I'm starting a bucket list for my vagina

@3rdand10 Renee Zellwegger always looks like she just smelled a liqour fart.

@SarahKSilverman At first sight of a semi flaccid penis I always think, "Jew nose."

@morgan_murphy to be fair, this is America and we ALL deserve to be blown.

@Mike_Doughty_ Sometimes I see famous people and am about to say hi, and then I realize, no, they're just my Television Friends.

awww...those homey mother-daughter chats have reach the twitterverse

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 13:26:00 +0000

@cjanecrowell to @rosannecash by the way… aren’t you flying over the atlantic ocean right now? or did you misplace the truth about your travels?

@rosannecash to @cjanecrowell sure I can swing with that. It’s as plausible as tv show “I Didn’t know I was pregnant” where they have babies at burger king

@cjanecrowell i am on board as long as you believe that Jesus lived with the dinosaurs in north america and Joseph Smith unearthed the info.

@cjanecrowell to @rosannecash also, i believe hitler was mis translated and his manifesto was meant to read “mine comfy chair”

@rosannecash to @cjanecrowell she was? crazy? how could you tell, being somewhat unusual yourself?

@cjanecrowell to @rosannecash why? because my optimism in life leads me to believe in a book called “mine comfy chair?”

@cjanecrowell to @rosannecash or because jesus rode dinosaurs to spread the word faster?

@cjanecrowell to @rosannecash OH! and aliens brought corn to earth.

@rosannecash to @cjanecrowell oh right. Aliens and corn.

@rosannecash I think @cjanecrowell should expound on her alien corn/Jesus and the dinosaurs theory at length. #InAnOpera

@rosannecash If I hadn’t seen this photo I’d still be a skeptic.

The Creativity Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:32:00 +0000

The Creativity Crises

Excellent article from Newsweek...especially if you can wonder why Johnny has that glazed over look in his eyes too often and things seems to be sliding downhill.

Researchers say creativity should be taken out of the art room and put into homeroom. The argument that we can’t teach creativity because kids already have too much to learn is a false trade-off. Creativity isn’t about freedom from concrete facts. Rather, fact-finding and deep research are vital stages in the creative process. Scholars argue that current curriculum standards can still be met, if taught in a different way.

overheard at the patch

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 17:05:00 +0000

Overheard at the blueberry patch

"Louden stay with me"
"Louden stay in this row"
"Louden....Louden?"

form another direction
"who the fuck names their kid Louden"

"Louden only pick in this row"
"Louden...here"
"Louden...HERE!!"
"Louden????"
"LOUDEN STOP THAT....stop putting them up your nose"
"but mom they're sweet"

Great things about getting older

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:56:00 +0000

1. Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
4. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
5. If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time
     to hurt you.
6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
7. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
      remember them either.
8. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
9. Your eyes won't get much worse.
10. Things you buy now won't wear out.
11. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
12. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
13. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
14. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

Remember when they had careers

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 17:42:00 +0000

Drinking that wine making time in the days gone by

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

- Van Morrison Behind The Ritual

the older meeting the old

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:12:00 +0000

Fred Astaire dancing to Soul Coughing's 4 out of 5

There was an old woman

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:40:00 +0000

There was an old woman

She looked over the platter of cupcakes very carefully, obviously trying
to decide which one was the right one for her. Finally she chose the one
on the far left, sitting by itself, all alone, apparently unwanted. The
one made of rich dark chocolate, fluffy cream frosting with what looked
like sprinkles decorating the top. As she was taking little nibbles from
the edges she refused to look at any of us. You could tell from her
closed eyes and that smile on her face she was remembering past picnics,
birthdays and those times her family were together. I understand now why
she choose that one but I always wonder why she swallowed the fly.

published on SixSentences

Beat the heat

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:27:00 +0000

Chef Bill Smith's Honeysuckle Sorbet

Makes about 2 quarts

4 cups (tightly packed but not smashed) honeysuckle
flowers, leaves and stems discarded
5 1/3 cups cool water
1 1/3 cups water
2 cups sugar
Few drops of freshly squeezed lemon juice
Speck of cinnamon

Place the flowers in a nonreactive container (glass or stainless
steel) and cover with the cool water. Weight down with a plate. Let
stand on the counter overnight.

In a small saucepan, make a syrup out of the sugar and the
water by boiling it until all the sugar is dissolved and it begins to
look lustrous and slightly thick, 3-5 minutes. Add a few drops of lemon
juice to prevent the sugar from recrystallizing. Cool the syrup
completely. Strain the honeysuckle infusion, gently pressing the
blossoms so as not to waste any of your previous efforts. Combine the
two liquids and add the merest dusting of cinnamon. You don’t want to
taste it, but you can tell if it’s not there. I use the tip of a sharp
boning knife to measure it. Churn in an ice-cream maker. This does not
keep for more than a week or two

What I Learned on Twitter Last Week

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 13:57:00 +0000

@juliussharpe It's time to start worrying when someone casually asks you if it's possible to laminate a dog.

@iliza The white trash kingdom is ruled by court reporters, dental hygienists and energy drink girls

@cjanecrowell my dog experiences the front window as 'the air he can't walk through'

@denislear y Bobby Fischers body exhumed for paternity test. Chess players worldwide go nuts: proof that one of them actually got laid.

@howardkremer Every girl at Glendale Galleria looks like a Kardashian prototype that got scrapped.

Rules for being Human

noreply@blogger.com (hwbj) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 12:25:00 +0000

Rules for being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it, or hate it, but it will
be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal
school called life. Each day in this school you will have the
opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons, or think them
irrelevant or stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial
and error and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a
part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to
you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned
it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does
not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better place than "here". When your "there" has
become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again,
look better than "here".

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something
about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or
hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and
resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is
yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie
inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all of this.