Let’s start with the possible answers: 1) SPIN is trawling for page views. 2) The collaborative effort to create this list included contributors that have their ears in niche musical styles with no regard for popular music history. 3) They are trying to out-indie Pitchfork. 4) Someone meant to use the words “Most Interesting,” “Most Unique” or perhaps “Most Underappreciated” instead of the word “Greatest.” 5) It was a really bad joke.

The Question: How could SPIN magazine (even with the article’s introductory paragraphs) as a respected music publication present such a travesty titled SPIN’s 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time and seemingly, on purpose, ignore most of the greatest names in the history of the instrument.

I’m a fan of SPIN Magazine, have a subscription, follow its Twitter feed and read it online quite often. I usually find myself in reasonable agreement with their points of view on artists and reviews of their recordings and live shows. I will further say that I am aware that I am quite probably being goaded into my ire and that answer No. 1 above is probably correct. Guess what? It’s working. It takes 11 page views to see the whole list and on each page there are hundreds of comments from readers and replies to comments (99% fiercely negative). This means readers (including myself) continue to read the list, comment about it, tell others to read it and tell their friends and then — voila! — SPIN’s metrics magically increase and Zoosk.com decides to advertise on SPIN.com.

Sometimes, however, you can realize that you are being manipulated into certain positions but cannot help responding — much like you cannot keep yourself from projectile vomiting after eating something contaminated with salmonella. This is now where I find myself — knowing SPIN is trying to get me to do exactly what I am doing and keep the debate alive by my ranting and writing this article. But this transgression is just too great.

While I have never been a guitar player, I have been a student of great players for some 30 years now — being fascinated and enthralled by the great axe men of blues, rock, jazz and country. I certainly accept the notion that opinion and subjectivity play into the idea of creating a “Greatest” list, however, there are certain givens and human “axe-i-oms” that can’t be ignored.

The first two paragraphs of the SPIN article would be tantamount to saying, “You know … that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln were great presidents and helped to shape and form the American political system, but since we are all familiar with their ‘work,’ we’re just gonna leave them off the list of Greatest Political Figures in History.”

In musical terms it’s like saying, “Oh yeah, sure, yeah, Miles and Dizzy created be-bop, but everybody knows about them so let’s don’t discuss them.”

Regardless of whether you like it or not, you cannot ignore history and how we got to where we are — and we got here on the backs and shoulders of the innovators who make the rest of the greats possible.

Playboy once, in its annual list of Best Party Schools, left out perennial winners Harvard and The University of the South. BUT they noted that the Crimson and those students of the Sewanne, TN, school were not listed as they did not feel it fair to rank amateurs with professionals. Something along that order would have been fine. But no such statement was made.

The opening two paragraphs (read ’em if you haven’t) should be enough to disavow the entire article and list. To basically relegate Robert Johnson, Clapton and Hendrix to footnotes is simple lunacy. To say of Jeff Beck that his “histrionics are tyranny” and that “the name Derek Trucks is practically alien to us” should be offensive to any music fan and revoke the author’s right even to ever comment on the subject again.

I have often pondered trying to come up with my own “Greatest Guitar Player” list but have thought better of it. I hesitate to even begin naming any players that I feel were left off as I KNOW I will somehow miss some great ones Therefore it is not my intent to name everyone I feel was left out but to examine SOME of the great players and the genre or historic groups they come from and ponder their exclusion.

One might say that this is all semantics — that I am making too much of one word in the title of an article. But if you are SPIN magazine (one of the largest music publications around), and you are going to make such a bold statement and attempt such a daunting task then you are opening yourself to defending what you have said regardless of how firmly your tongue is planted in your cheek. Seriously dudes, we’re not that dumb.
 

See more music rants and raves at Weeping Elvis.

Oh, and that lame attempt to qualify what was done with the opening two paragraphs … well, it’s just another small component of the much larger fail.

GREAT or GREATEST as defined by Merriam-Webster.com: eminent, distinguished, chief or preeminent over others. Markedly superior in quality, remarkably skilled.

I think that pretty much says it all. I think virtuosity is implied in this definition. Perhaps what is not in this definition, as it pertains to music are the words “innovative” and a “emotional.” That is, the fastest shred solo in the world means nothing if there is no feeling or spark of artistry and creativity behind it. You could also add “changes the way or style in which the instrument is played” and/or “the instrument evolves or has evolved due to their artistry and body of work.”

But it wasn’t all bad. Before we pick apart the good and the ugly, let’s see what SPIN got right.

To see wonderful artists from the alternative music world who provide rhythmic ideas, tonal textures and identifiable sounds (if not lightning-fast solos) is refreshing. Doug Martsch of Built to Spill, Bob Mould, Stephen Malkmus, Ian MacKaye and Guy Picciotto of Fugazi, Bernard Sumner of Joy Division and New Order, Ron Asheton of the Stooges and Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead are all great players who add or added a cohesive greatness to all of their groups music and contributed greatly to the art and scope of guitar playing.

Seeing some great yet lesser known R & B players such as Shuggie Otis, Tony Maiden of Rufus and the late great Eddie Hazel of Parliament get their due was personally VERY pleasing.

Ben Weinman from Dillinger Escape Plan and Greg Ginn of Black Flag are great choices, as I don’t think musicians like Weinman and their frenetic style of mathcore/hardcore get near enough credit for how good they are and Black Flag is ALWAYS listed as a major influence from these sorts of hardcore acts.

As more and more women are appearing as front-“men” and leaders of great bands, SPIN did list some fantastic feminine pickers. Carrie Brownstein of Sleater-Kinney and Wild Flag, PJ Harvey and fantastic newcomer Annie Clark, a.k.a. St. Vincent, are all great choices. But what about blues babe Bonnie Raitt and Ritzy Bryan of the Joy Formidable. The Joy Formidable are a hot new alternative act and she’s a great player in the style of many on SPIN’s list and her exclusion, to me, picks away at this lists credibility, even using its own formula.

To see some world music players, especially those from Africa, get some juice is a good thing. The more rhythmic, syncopated style of African players may take some additional listening to wrap your head around but Nigerian King Sunny Adé and Northwestern African players such as Ali Farka Toure, and Ibrahim Ag Alhabib of Tinariwen are fantastically unique and wonderfully talented players.

Now for the bad and, most definitely, the ugly.

One only has to read the No. 100 entrant on SPIN‘s list to realize that it’s tainted. Skrillex? …the electronic mixmaster and king of dubstep? Yeah, I know he was in a hardcore screamo band (as a singer) but the reason he is on this list along with No. 10 Jam Master Jay (yes, No. 10 I say with stunned disbelief) was because of their use of guitar samples or recordings. SPIN freely admits that Skrillex has “never held a guitar.” So by their definition, I, as a non-player, can take a great sample or digital recording of a guitar and manipulate it a bit and that will make me a great guitar player? Wow have I been missing out. And Jam Master Jay of Run-DMC was using vinyl discs to simply PLAY the analog recordings of various guitar riffs. So because Run-DMC covered “Walk This Way” and JMJ sampled (with no manipulation other than possibly tempo) Joe Perry’s famous riff, he is considered the No. 10 Greatest Guitar Player of all time???? Gimme a break. (Oh, by the way, Joe Perry did not make the list.)

Seeing Living Colour’s Vernon Reid at No. 78 made me happy, as I have always been a fan. But read the full paragraph on him. They reference Hendrix, Eddie Van Halen and Santana as players that influenced Reid and made him great yet neither of those three names make the list. Mr. Spock’s head would explode at the use of this logic.

I LOVE Sonic Youth and what its members bring to guitar-playing and music in general, but to have Lee Ranaldo and Thurston Moore as co-No. 1s ?!? … Well, I better move on before I break something.

Again, I am hesitant to say more as I know I will leave other great players out, but my point is not to create my own Greatest 100 Guitar Players list. It’s simply to point to some of the genres and musicians who I feel have been ignored.

The Architechs: Robert Johnson (even though he is “disavowed” in the first paragraph), Les Paul (’member him? He was the formidable player who said “hey let’s make this thing electric and see what happens), Andres Segovia (a classical virtuoso whose techniques and innovations literally changed the way the guitar was played … right down to the kinds of strings used).

The Designers (we do it this way today because of how they did it then): Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Clapton, Carlos Santana, Eddie Van Halen, Keith Richards, George Harrison, Brian May and don’t forget southern rockers Duane Allman, Gary Rossington (Skynyrd) and Dickey Betts … the exclusion of all of these names boggles the mind.

The Bluesmen Robert Johnson begat: B.B. King, Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker and, to a certain extent, Stevie Ray Vaughn. How do you ignore the genre that in large part gave birth to rock? If your goal is to find newer players that are not on the traditional list that SPIN seems to be trying so hard to avoid (avoid like we should avoid Steve Miller) then where the hell is the love child of Hendrix/Clapton/Stevie Ray, the amazing Gary Clark Jr.? If you pay attention AT ALL to what’s going on out there with regard to great new artists, you would have to literally avoid all music publications and festivals to miss him. So the fail gets more epic as they seem to miss on their own concept.

The Modern Masters and Metal Gods: Randy Rhoads, Zakk Wylde, Kirk Hammett, John Petrucci, Joe Satriani and my own personal No. 1 Steve Vai. At least they had the good sense to have Tony Iommi (Sabbath) and Dimebag Darrell (Pantera) but of course they were too far down the list.

The Jazzers and Fusionists (who had just a LITTLE influence on rock): Django Reinhardt, Wes Montgomery, Pat Metheny, John Abercrombie, Bill Frissell, Jeff Beck, Al Di Melola, Alan Holdsworth and Mike Stern.

The Country Gentlemen (SPIN seems to think that there are no great players from this genre): Chet Atkins (he created a completely new style of playing), Vince Gill, Brad Paisley and Glen Campbell (yeah, I said Glen effin’ Campbell, as he was one of the top call country/pop studio musicians and even in his current state can STILL pick circles around many on this list).

I could go on and on as I am sure many of you reading this could, but I shall leave it at this and leave it to you all to read the article/list and fill the comment areas with your own favorites that did not make SPIN’s cut. Yeah, I’m sure we are giving them exactly what they want, but sometimes as a music fan you have to be shout out and be heard.

I say to SPIN magazine that I understand you are very fond of lists. I read them and even agree with many but the next time you are creating a list of musicians or songs or favorite foods of musicians, PLEASE, I beg you in the name of all that is holy to check the title of your article and adjectives used to be sure the words are appropriate to the information contained therein. We, the music fans of the world are a lot smarter and musically knowledgeable than you might think … we DO know the difference between jam and jive.
 

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A woman named Cathy, who cannot speak and is paralyzed from the neck down, was implanted with a BrainGate neural interface, which uses hair-thin electrodes to track her motor cortex. With thought alone, she has the arm serve her coffee.

According to BoingBoing, the technology has been in development for nearly 15 years. It was previously used to control computer cursors, and its lead researcher, neuroscientist Leigh Hochberg, hopes to find a way to send brain signals straight to the patients’ own muscles.

From science journal Nature:

(via BoingBoing)

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For anyone who hasn’t worked in the restaurant industry, this might seem like a lateral move involving more alcohol (but is that really a lateral move?). However, it’s actually a promotion.

Hungry people are irritable and demand constant attention. People who want to get drunk are desperate to please the tap gods so they may once again have their cup refilled before the last buzz wears off. They sidle up to the bar and hold their money out at you (we’ve all done it), and look longingly until you give them their alcoholic nectar. And then you don’t have to deal with them. Need ketchup? Not for your beer! I’ve given you a small cocktail napkin for any spills; now be on your way.

The only real reservation I have with being a bartender is my inability to make engaging small-talk. I’ve already mentioned how bad my first impressions can be. Sometimes, I just can’t seem to rein in my internal filter to produce engaging and witty banter. Or simply normal conversation. “Thank you for sharing tonight with me” is not an appropriate post-meal goodbye to your customers.

In fact, it’s downright creepy. But it happened.

Click over to Spike the Watercooler to find out the rest of this tale of tending bar. And follow @spikethecooler for more updates straight to your Twitter feed.

Image from http://www.utendbar.com

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The point of this 1940s-era article is pretty obvious: If your boy is a little too interested in making slip covers with floral fabrics, you better send him out crabbing with Pop. The question I REALLY wish they had asked is, what does it mean if you liked cutting your Barbie’s hair as well as scraping off and collecting sap deposits from pine trees?

How’d you fare? I got a 9, which is right in the middle of the man-woman continuum. Our managing editor, Cooper, who is a dude, got a 9 as well. Editor- and man-in-chief Slade’s score? A manly-ass 7.

(via PBump)

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“I’m going to have to… goodbye… We just got hit by a car,” Dean said. Listen to it here:

Dean later told OpenFile he was okay: “[CJAD’s Aaron] Rand said the taping was put on hold until Dean called him back about 20 minutes later. When asked about the crash, Dean said a taxi had hit the car but that he laughed it off. ‘He told me it was a first for him,’ Rand said.”

Surprisingly, Dean did not scream when his vehicle was struck:

“We’re gonna go get estimates from Jiffy Lube, and Maaco, and Pep Boys, and Midas … and then we’re gonna get the car detailed, yaaaaaahhhhh!,” Dean did not add.

This post originally ran on our objectively badass DC-focused site, Distriction.

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Four years ago, the Australian tattoo-shop owner was one of the first people in the world to get the rare and dangerous tat, which can cause blindness. Now the ink is still bright as ever, and he says he’s had no physical problems. Well, except for something called “mind discharge.”

My eyeball tattoo. Now over 4 years old, done by Lunacobra.net (Howie). It was the first one done in Australia, these days there are quite a more floating around – but I thought I would share this macro photo. I have had absoultly NO problems with vision, discomfort or anything after I had it done. Around a week of mind discharge and being a bit squinty, then it looked exactly the same as it does today.

We really hope he means “mild discharge,” which is more likely to follow stabbing green ink into your eye with a needle over and over. Would we recommended this tattoo? Yes, absolutely. Tattoo your eyeballs, boys and girls. It’s probably better for you than your emo haircut.

Also, pierce your Achilles tendons.

(via BME Zine)

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There is nothing a Southern transplant loves more than showing off her manners. (OK, maybe that’s just me, a lady from Wilmington, North Carolina.) But it’s National Etiquette Week, and below is a list of etiquette do’s from manners maven Patricia Fitzpatrick.

Some of these I whole-heartedly agree with. Few things are more awkward than being in the office restroom and listening to the supposed “lady” in the stall next to you yakking with her mother about her failed first date from the previous night. But with some others, I still have a hard time. I am the official queen of the sidewalk stand-off. You go, no you go, I’m going, omgeezle we’re both going and we’re going to be stuck in this sidewalk-passing dance FOREVER!!!
 

1. Do keep to the right when walking on the sidewalk, except when passing; and always leave room for other pedestrians to pass if you are walking with a group of friends.

2. Do let others exit elevators, buildings and public transportation before you attempt to enter them.

3. Do hold doors open for individuals following closely behind you or for someone who may need a little help entering a building or public transportation.

4. Do give up your seat to someone who may need it more than you—the elderly, a caregiver with small children, a woman who is pregnant—when you are taking public transportation.

5. Do be mindful of others when you are talking or texting on your cell phone when you are in public places: Save your private conversations for private locations.

6. Do be sensitive to others’ enjoyment at restaurants, movies, or any other performances or cultural events by not talking on your cell phone, keeping your voice low when you are having a conversation, and conducting yourself with a sense of decorum.

7. Do smile and take time to give tourists directions. (We want tourists to think New Yorkers are polite, friendly, and helpful.)

8. Do eat in restaurants or other appropriate places, such as the park—not on buses, the subway, or walking down the street.

9. Do show respect for our city streets and public places: Throw your trash in trash cans instead of littering.

10. Do be polite and use the magic words: Say “Please” and “Thank You” to the waitstaff in restaurants, salespeople in stores, and whenever or wherever the situation calls for a “Please” or “Thank You.”
 

What say you, readers? Any manners or habits you try to maintain to help create a more polite New York City? Get at me. I mean, get at me, please.

(via Gothamist)

After spending five years as a hedge-fund assistant, Katie Ligon has a wealth of time on her hands after being gracefully let go. She lives in Brooklyn.
 

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A week ago I discussed Fifty Shades of Grey and why the book skeeves me out so much. But now, with the possible evidence of the first pornographic images in history, I’m seeing Fifty Shades in a whole new light. E.L. James’ masterpiece, it seems, is the culmination of a 37,000-year tradition of crude depictions of human sexuality.

If the image to the right actually is a prehistoric cave carving of a lady’s vagina, then I think it’s safe to assume that our progenitors’ spines weren’t the only erect body parts around. So if Christian and Ana were getting their swerve on back in the days of Fred and Wilma, how would it differ from the scenes we read in the book? Let’s discuss, with a list!
 

1. Christian’s helicopter, Charlie Tango, would be replaced with this sweet ride:

2. All of that spanking and bondage taking place in the ‘Red Room of Pain’ is a lot less comfy when the California king is replaced with bedrock.

3. Getting dragged around by your hair is pretty much the same, no matter what era.

4. If Caveman Christian Grey looked like this, would you do him?

5. And, because I just can’t let this scene go: 37,000 years ago, those smooth, silver, orifice-stuffing Ben Wa balls would be replaced with these. (Ouch.)

After spending five years as a hedge-fund assistant, Katie Ligon has a wealth of time on her hands after being gracefully let go. She lives in Brooklyn.
 

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Mac Lethal, an Internet-famous nerdy white dude who can rap better and faster than just about anyone out there, is here to tell you why your grammar sucks. Would it help get the message across if his rap-lecture sampled Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know?” Because it does.

PREVIOUSLY FROM MAC LETHAL:

• Mac Lethal Humbles Other MCs Over Chris Brown Beat
• Tri-Winning: Two Musical Odes to Charlie Sheen
• Internet Winner: Mac Lethal’s Dazed & Confused in 120 Seconds

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And on the other end, we have this first pitch of a game in South Korea, thrown by Jessica of the K-pop group SNSD. For all this winding up, you’d think she has a trick slider in her arsenal. She might — but it looks like it’d only work if she were 100 feet in the air.

It does not need to be said that only one of these plays is by a professional baseball player. In the spirit of fairness, we think Jessica and Chris ought to switch for a day: have Nunn sing the first line of a SNSD song and see if he bombs as monumentally as Jessica did on the mound. Hell, maybe he has a beautiful singing voice. We wouldn’t be surprised. Just watch that catch again.

(via The Awesomer, The Aggregate)

Surprisingly, that’s not the whitest thing ever do the Dougie. Take it away, Wolf Blitzer:

If that Wolf Blitzer clip was too hot for you, cool down with the Dougie stylings of Kate Upton:

(bird via The Daily What)

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Rita Wilson’s film career spans over 40 years, and yet she is best known for her marriage to beloved film star — and the guy everyone would choose to be their celebrity dad (or maybe that’s just me) — Tom Hanks. With the recent release of her first album, AM/FM, I am here to say it is high time for Rita’s moment in the spotlight.

I suggest you take a moment to check out the album of the better half of one of America’s Favorite Hollywood Couples. And you should take my advice very seriously, because Rita has held a special place in my heart for years. She is always the “person” I use first when playing everyone’s favorite game to pass the time while waiting for your food to arrive at Olive Garden, 20 Questions. It used to be a sort of inside joke between me, myself and I: Rita Wilson, yes, THAT’S who I’ll pick! This game could take all night!

I was literally the only 12-year-old around familiar enough with Rita’s filmography that her name was constantly fresh on my mind. I loved her in Sleepless in Seattle. Her shy, homebody character, Chrissy DeWitt, in Now and Then totally resonated with me.

But after 20 years as an avid 20 Questions player and Rita Wilson fan, I was bothered that my friends and family weren’t guessing her within 10 to 15 questions of the game. She isn’t THAT abstract, and also DO YOU PEOPLE NOT KNOW ME AT ALL? It’s been my goal for some time to spread the good word about Mrs. Wilson. And she is making it really easy for me by releasing this album.

AM/FM consists of covers of primarily soft rock hits from the ’60s and ’70s. I was initially nervous and unsure of what to expect. How many actresses-turned-singers have really had that much success? My ears are still aching from Scarlett Johansson’s turn at the mic. But Rita’s soft, steady voice is a eminently tolerable. She totally brings her A game.

My personal fave: Her rendition of We Five’s hit “You Were on My Mind.”

The pair debuted this short at Tuesday’s New Jersey Press Association’s Legislative Correspondents Club Show, and it’s live on Gov. Christie’s much-heralded YouTube page. The premise? Hero Cory Booker keeps one-upping the governor, who then repeatedly delivers a Seinfeldian “Booker!”

Does Christie get the last laugh? (Well, do either of them get any laughs?)

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Turns out the cast of A.A. Milne’s classic Winnie-the-Pooh series had their share of problems, too. Redditor extravirginoil says he found this graphic, titled “Multiaxial diagnosis of conditions demonstrated by the inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood,” in a textbook.

Pooh Bear demonstrates symptoms of ADHD and OCD and suffers from a poor diet, obesity and binge eating. The chart also cites Rabbit’s narcissistic personality disorder and even Christopher Robin’s gender identity disorder of childhood. Eeyore’s dysthymia (excessive depression) is likely exacerbated by his “traumatic amputation of tail.” Roo is force-fed malt.

What’s important to remember is this: While reading Winnie-the-Pooh to kids at night, interrupt the story every few minutes to interject with your own armchair diagnoses. Discuss with your child piglet’s “failure to thrive.” Comment on the cruel, Hobbesian nature of the Wood. Analyze the merits and limitations of single parenthood, as exemplified by Kanga. Kids love this stuff.

So what to prescribe them? No worries, they’re all hopped up on pills already.

For the best in hilarious textbook finds, click here!

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Legendary soapbox preacher Aaron Sorkin won an Oscar for essentially humanizing the petulant manchild who created a coded platform for scorned lover’s to pine over the ones that got away.

Sorkin’s adapted screenplay for The Social Network did more to simplify Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg than any magazine profile ever could. Walter Isaacson already managed to complete that same feat for Apple co-founder Steve Jobs in his best-selling 2011 biography, “Steve Jobs,” which sold more than 2 million copies. But Sorkin will now be charged with adapting that story for the pictures anyway.

Sony Pictures Entertainment on Tuesday announced the “West Wing” scribe will bring “Steve Jobs” to life on the silver screen. Scott Rudin, Mark Gordon and Guymon Casady will produce the film, which will compete with the $5-million Ashton Kutcher indie version of Jobs’ life.

Zukerberg, Jobs … what tech visionaries and platforms will receive the Sorkin Treatment next? Here’s a list of five more potential films you may see from Sorkin in the near future:

Pinterest: The Bored Housewives of The Internet

Tagline: “A world where your wife is still planning your 2004 wedding”

Tumblr: Meme Girls

Tagline: “This movie will violate your copyrighted face”

Twitter: #notanotherfuckingsorkintechmovie

Tagline: “RT this if you like holier-than-thou dialogue”

Instagram: Unfiltered

Tagline: “You just got served … my dinner pics, yo”

Foursquare: Dunston Checks In (Part II)

Tagline: “Let’s get some fuckin’ Franch Toast”

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