“Feedback is the breakfast of champions”

— Ken Blanchard

In my estimation, feedback is one of the most profound principles of life. Without feedback, life cannot progress. As human beings, we rely on feedback in every part of our being—inside and out.

In the literature on flow, feedback is one of the “big 9” concepts. If you want more flow in your life, you have to identify and utilize your feedback loops to the best of your ability. Much later in the year (Vol. 45) we will talk more specifically about using personal scorecards to gather feedback and measure progress in any game of life you are playing. However, since we are still discussing the interpersonal dynamics of flow, we’ll simplify this a bit and talk about the importance of feedback when engaging with others.

The good news is that getting and giving feedback is technically very simple. The challenge is that interpersonally it can be tricky—that is, if you don’t have a useful model to hold on to.

One of my former colleagues, Alan Fine, a brilliant coach and mentor, made an important distinction between logical and psychological/interpersonal systems.

A logical system is akin to an airplane. Perhaps it’s common knowledge that an airplane is off-course most of the time. If on autopilot, it relies on multiple sensors to keep adjusting itself. A slight dip of the nose and the computer says “heads-up”. A small change in pitch or yaw, and the computer says “straighten out”. An infinitesimal change in course and the computer says “stay on track”. All this happens in a microsecond.

Give these same commands at the same frequency to a human being and the reaction is: “Get off my back. Why are you always constantly pointing out my faults?” You get the point. There is a big difference between “getting” useful feedback and “asking” for useful feedback.

In corporate America, we often use 360° feedback tools, where your performance manager, peers, subordinates, and yourself, answer a variety of questions designed to help you identify the gaps in your performance. Is this a useful tool? Absolutely! Are there less expensive, less technical, and more personal ways to get the feedback you need? You bet. Here are a few principles and some suggested language you can use anytime you want to gather interpersonal feedback and maximize your performance with others:

Be Proactive

All too many people are reactive about feedback. They wait until they make a mistake or do something wrong or, heaven forbid, somebody finally says: “You stink!” Don’t wait for feedback to come to you. Don’t wait for your spouse or significant other to blurt out that “you are not fulfilling your end of the bargain”. Instead, beat him or her to the punch. Ask for it. Most people are willing to give it and are honored that you asked.

Suggested Language:

“Susan, I’m really interested in improving my performance in X, would you mind sharing your perceptions with me? When’s a good time?”

Logical Mindset:

Think of feedback as data, and nothing else. The more raw data you can gather, the quicker you can learn and build a plan of action. Think of yourself as an Olympic athlete looking to better your game. However, it’s important to keep a barrier between your sacred self and your performance self–between your “who-ness” vs. your “what-ness”. You have ultimate value in the eyes of your creator. Even if you are making significant personal and professional errors, keep this barrier intact and look at it as an opportunity to refine whatever it is that will help you learn and improve.

You might consider the following questions as a useful framework for getting valuable feedback from others:

“Thank you for taking some time with me. There are just a few questions I wanted to ask regarding situation X or arena Y:

1. What am I doing particularly well in X?
2. Where am I missing the mark?
3. From your perspective, what can I do differently to improve?“

This language is simple and gets to the essence of any performance feedback conversation you wish to have.

Get Multiple Points of View (but not too many)

It’s important to remember that one person’s feedback may or may not be accurate. If possible, it’s best to get multiple angles of data. If there is only one person who is relevant, then that is your data source. However, if others are available, consider getting other points of reference.

The more angles you get, the more accurate the information. You may even find that a certain source of feedback that you perceived as harsh or inaccurate, may be an outlier and not the norm. Getting other perspectives may smooth out the data. But take note: too much data can begin to cancel out important themes. Consider somewhere between 8 and 12 points of feedback.

Act on Feedback

Feedback is useless if it is not acted upon. It does you no good and it tells others that their valuable insights have been wasted. Be clear about what “specifically” you will do differently given the feedback that you have captured. Make sure their feedback is not vague or unclear. Get specific examples of the gaps in question so if you choose to make those changes, you will be able to point out your progress.

Validate Your Progress

When we get into personal score carding, this is a more complex process. However, when utilizing feedback from others, the process is simple: ask them!

Suggested Language:

“I’ve spent the last few months seeking to improve X, from your perspective am I moving in the right direction?

Interpersonal feedback does not have to get more complicated than that. So pick an arena where interpersonal feedback would be helpful and give it a go. See if the change in your behavior equates to an increase in your performance and the depth of your relationships. It’s not easy to ask others for feedback. It takes courage and an internal mandate that seeks a better self. Given that you have come this far, I believe this is you.

EXERCISE AND PRACTICE:

• Review the questions in: Embracing Feedback exercise
• Identify an arena where others play a part. Consider using the Embracing Feedback exercise sheet to gather important information about your interpersonal performance.

“There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important”

— Dale Carnegie

In speaking with high performers who emphasize the power of relationships to generate flow, both support for others and support from others (questions 9 and 10 in the 720° Sweep Assessment) remain a key to establishing effective relationships and synergy.

Consider your thoughts and feelings about the people who surround you in your performance arenas. Are these thoughts and feelings positive and supportive or critical and negative? Do you look at your colleagues through the lens of possibility or the lens of tolerance?

Individuals who find flow with others begin with a positive intention about them. These internal beliefs and attitudes are the seeds that sprout positive behaviors towards your colleagues, friends, and family.

Whether you know it or not, your internal beliefs and attitudes about others are conveyed through your verbal and non-verbal behavior. That is why building effective relationships, synergy, and ultimately alliances, begin with you and your beliefs, thoughts, and feelings towards others.

This is an inside-out job. It begins by looking for the positive in others and actively marking these observations in your mind. As you look for the positive in others, you are now in a position to overtly support their best stuff.

Think about the people you work with or others whom you perform with in some way. Can you think of a few simple yet small ways that they demonstrate high value? Can you identify positive behaviors—even qualities or virtues? If so, perhaps you could go so far as to point this out to them. Instead of looking for ways to be critical, look for ways to point out the little or big things that make a positive difference. In the world of organizational effectiveness (OE) this is known as “appreciative inquiry”. It is a mindset that seeks solutions instead of problems, excellence instead of mistakes, and wellness instead of sickness.

Think of the relationships and environments you can influence with an appreciative inquiry mindset. People might see you as understanding, empathetic, caring, trustworthy, a positive influence, and a leader they see as their advocate.

This is not a one-way proposition. Sparking this interpersonal system compels others to treat you with equal care and respect. As your relationships build on a common foundation of mutual understanding and support, natural alliances are forged and each of you becomes mutually committed to the success of the other. This is the beginning of synergy—which creates a successful environment for everyone within the arena.

As you forge this inner mindset, perhaps being more explicit is in order. You might consider asking your colleagues how you can support them in their good work specifically. I’ve never heard of anybody who did not want to answer that question. Once answered, you can reciprocate with your own requests.

Towards the end of the Finding Your Flow workshop, after helping individuals discover their “one thing”, I often ask the group to complete a final exercise called: My Best/My Worst. Its purpose is to help participants share important information about themselves to their colleagues so that they can be supported in their desire to find flow with and through others. The questions include:

• I am at my very best when my environment includes…
• My performance tends to struggle when these things are absent from my environment…
• I’ve learned that I perform best when I…
• I’ve learned that I perform worst when I…
• If I’ve learned anything about Flow and Peak Performance it’s that…

These questions help people discuss the elements of their best work, where they struggle most, and what others can do to support a high-performance environment.

As you consider building your relationships, these support strategies will help you grow supportive relationships, forge positive alliances, and help you find more interpersonal flow so you can play your best game.

EXERCISE AND PRACTICE:

• Review the questions in: MyBest/MyWorst exercise sheet (attached).
• Practice #1: Consider the players in your field and make a short-list of their positive qualities, traits, or contributions. Practice “marking” these qualities, traits or contributions in your mind first. Begin pointing out their best work and/or qualities as you see it. Notice how they respond.
• Practice #2: Print out two copies of the MyBest/MyWorst exercise sheet and share your answers with a colleague. Then ask the other person to do the same. What can you do to support their good work?

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation”

— Dr. Wayne Dyer

China is one of my favorite places on Earth. There are few business and political cultures that are more intriguing at this time in history. In my mind, Chinese culture and philosophy express the power of dualistic thinking—holding opposing truths that need one another to be fully expressed. One of my favorite symbolic pairings —

— symbolizes the dual notion of crisis and opportunity.

For many of us, conflict takes the form of interpersonal crisis. Like any crisis, most of us do not invite it into our lives, but few can avoid it. So, how can this inevitable circumstance be put to good use?

If approached properly, most conflicts are a great opportunity to take our relationships to the next level of understanding or de-escalate them so they are more functional. So, without overly complex models or processes to memorize, let’s focus on a handful of principles that can help you find more flow as a by-product of “doing conflict well.”

Once again, we start with the Mindset:

In her groundbreaking book, Mindset, Dr. Carol Dweck describes the difference between a “fixed” and a “growth” mindset. Through her years of research, she discovered that some people see themselves and others as genetically “fixed”. To them, if you are “fixed” there is little you can do to get smarter or evolve. In this case, your genes rule. Your potential is fixed. So why bother trying to change.

On the other hand, people who have a “growth” mindset see themselves, their lives, and their situations as opportunities to express, learn, grow and evolve over time. With this mindset, individuals exhibit greater capacities for growth, change, and development. People no longer have to see themselves as “stupid” or “without talent”. These things can grow; our relationships can grow.

This growth mindset is an important mental tool to take with you as you consider an interpersonal conflict. With a growth mindset, each time you decide to work through your conflict you are taking your relationships to a new and often better place.

To get you thinking about how to apply this and other principles, consider the language below and see if it might help the next time you face conflict. Know that this is “best practice” language and not easily copied, so consider it a guideline as you approach your personal situation.

Suggested Language: “I’d like to connect with you on an issue that I know we both have been struggling with. I think we can both grow from the conversation. Can we set up a time to talk about it?”

Separate the Person from the Conflict

A line is all too quickly crossed when people ignore this principle. Even when core values, beliefs, ideals, etc. are at the center of conflict, one’s innate value and respect must not be comprised. Violate this rule and progress halts.

Healthy conflict begins with this separation. It allows the engaging parties to place the conflict on the table objectively, look at the issue piece by piece, and seek to find mutual agreement or even to agree not to agree. In both cases, there is closure.

Remember — inside all of these principles you will be confronted by emotions: yours and theirs. Do your best to acknowledge them, label them, and move forward despite them. If your emotions get the best of you or them, the game is over—at least temporarily.

Suggested Language: “Our relationship is important to me and I value you as a person. Might we share our perceptions—even emotions with one another and see what we can jointly agree upon (or agree to disagree) while honoring our long-term relationship?”

Use Data Not Assumptions

I’m amazed how much conflict is not conflict at all, but a lack of information and understanding. The culprit: lazy thinking. Think for a minute how easy it is to put people and issues in quick and tight boxes without checking the facts. Much of the time, conflict is either simpler or more complex than we currently know. To model effective conflict management skills, you must be committed to a more rigorous process of data gathering while expecting others to do the same.

To make the most out of conflict, agree up front to stick with the facts. On both sides, make it a rule to challenge perceptions and create a shared understanding that you both can agree on. Remember to acknowledge your emotions through this process but stick to the facts.

Suggested Language: “I know that each of us has our ‘perceptions and opinions’ about this issue. Let’s agree to put our perceptions, emotions, and assumptions on the table and agree to work from the facts we both know.”

Be First to Listen

The first rule of negotiation is: “make the other person go first”. The opposite is true when in conflict. From my experience, the one who listens and seeks to understand first, sets the standard for the entire conversation.

Dr. Covey has it right: By “seeking to understand, then to be understood” you are proactively making deposits within the “emotional bank account” for which you can make withdrawals when needed and appropriate. Many physicians should take note of this principle, as the current research shows that after making substantive mistakes, physicians who listen and seek understanding, minimize their chances of a lawsuit.

Suggested Language: “My goal is to limit the conflict we are both experiencing. I’d like to understand what you see as the problem, and when you feel that I’ve understood you completely, I’d like you to do the same for me. Are you in?”

Agree on Mutual Wins

Out of any conflict, both can leave with something of value. If you truly want to alleviate the conflict, you need to be as interested in the other person’s success as your own (this can be tough given your history with this person.). It takes maturity and you need to muster it.

Don’t feel that by taking a mature position that you will lose your ground. Instead, think of it as a way to set the stage for getting what you need and want from the situation.

Suggested Language: “While we may not agree on X, I want to remove or limit our conflict so that both you and I walk away as satisfied as possible. Let’s start with you, then discuss what I need. Let’s create something we can both live with.”

Learn from Every Conflict

Every conflict is just another “Moment of Performance” (MOP). It’s a concrete time to create an outcome that advances the issue and the relationship. While it may be tough, there are lessons to draw from each one so don’t miss it.

Whatever the outcome: win/lose/draw—even if you agree to disagree on all counts, each conflict can teach you something important that you can apply the next time around.

Before closing out an argument (long or short) consider a final step for the benefit of you both:

Suggested Language: “For the benefit of both of us, I’d like to debrief our struggle. I’d like to know: 1. Did we make progress? 2. What made this conversation work—or not work? 3. What can we do next time to deal with conflict more effectively?”

Of course, there are many principles at play in the conflict, but these above may prove useful the next time that conflict strikes. Remember, finding more flow with others doesn’t mean no conflict; it means useful conflict.

The next time you consider conflict as a mini-crisis to be avoided, consider the opportunity at hand and look for ways to take your relationships to the next level.

EXERCISE AND PRACTICE:

• Review the questions in: Embracing Conflict exercise sheet

“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”

— Rollo May

“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

— Williams James

“Learn as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever “

— Mahatma Gandhi

“If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on the solution, I would spend the first 55 minutes determining the proper question to ask, for once I know the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than five minutes.”

― Albert Einstein